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munchflix · 1 year

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MUNCHFLIX - CASINO ROYALE

IMDB BLURB: After earning 00 status and a license to kill, secret agent James Bond sets out on his first mission as 007. Bond must defeat a private banker funding terrorists in a high-stakes game of poker at Casino Royale, Montenegro.

WARNINGS: Violence (sorta), terrorism, nudity, CBT. No...really.

RATING: One randomly bleeding, asthmatic, chess prodigy Albanian with Mad poker skills.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: All reviews are done solely for humor and should not be taken seriously ever. If you cannot handle cursing, crude humor and probably some offensive things, pls do not read this.

Munch: I get to go in blind again! I've never seen this because I don't really fuckin' enjoy Bond movies.

Biscuits: Me either, but we're watching one. Why are we doing this again?

M: Because you've got the hots for Mads Mikkelsen, I assume. This is only pg-13, why are we bothering?

B: I was gonna comment on that. It's not even really an action movie, it's just a movie where a guy goes to a poker game.

M: That's not very Bond, is it? Isn't he supposed to be like banging tons of women and blowing things up?

B: He does have sex with women for no reason, and I guess he does some other stuff. Mostly he seems like a chode who's incompetent at everything.

M: Movie starts all NOIR. I don't know what's happening. Bond is here and some other guy and I guess other guy is selling secrets. Wait, he's not even 007 yet??? What's the point??

B: He's about to get promoted. This is a flashback scene. Bond is played by Daniel Craig, who is a guy. Is he good looking? No. Is he a good actor? Eh...

M: I like Daniel Craig, just not really as James Bond. Would've made a great gay James Bond.

B: Listen, Bond HAS to be a straight white British guy or the world will fall apart. He should have been gay Bond. We have to face so much injustice in this world. I do really like the Bond credit sequence.

M: Oh Eva Green is in this? She's hot. The opening credits always look cool.

B: This movie isn't good but it's heavy on the aesthetic.

M: Is this Soundgarden? I hate soundgarden. Aesthetic can redeem a movie tho. See Coppola's Dracula. It's not great but it's DRIPPING with aesthetic.

B: Also I know this based on the novel of the same name. I don't care.

M: I didn't know they wrote novels! Do all Bond movies have novels??

B: Let's get the jokes out of the way! Bames Nond's having a stronk, call the Bondulance! And when I find the guy who James Bond burgered my sister! There, now I don't have to make them. If you want us to watch other Bond movies, fuck you.

M: I don't wanna watch other Bond movies, they're not really good. So now we're in....fucking somewhere....there's a war going on or something in Africa. There's a lot of people with guns. And like three white dudes and one of them is Mads, so who cares about the others.

B: For this movie, instead of making the villian some Russian super agent who kills people, Le Chiffre is a financier, so we gotta set up this whole complex process of him taking money from people and doing terrorism for...stonks? Why not just a bad guy who kills people?

M: Because! Capitalism is the most evil. Bottom text. He's got a cool eye scar thing going on. I love the evil stock market thing.

B: Evil stonks! That's his whole thing, and Bond has to defeat this guy by beating him at a poker game!

M: That's...impressively lame. I guess we're in Madagascar now with some other dudes who are doing secret agent things but not very well because they just got caught. Bond is just standing there while this other white dude is doing all the work. Is he training him?

B: They're going after this bomb maker guy. Secret agent stuff, dude.

M: How silly of me. A rousing chase scene ensues. Bond suddenly has a fucking industrial plow but this guy knows PARKOUR and he is scaling the building frame in record time. Bond also knows parkour. Now something exploded.

B: I think Bond gets this guy killed.

M: Three other dudes have already died falling off the trellis.

B: That's what I'm saying! He's not a very good secret agent! Why isn't Bond chasing this guy, why is his friend Virgil or whoever chasing him. I don't know if that's his name, I literally just made it up.

M: It is now! Bond is here now and he's gonna chase this guy off a ten mile high building rig cos that's how secret agents do. Isn't this kind of high profile violence for a secret agent? Oh parkour guy is fine, he knows how to tuck and roll. Ow. Bond is definitely not okay but really he is. YOU CAN'T JUST DO A FUCKING 40 FOOT DROP AND BE FINE.

B: Bond has broken like every bone in his body by now and he just busted through a piece of DRYWALL.

M: Aren't they getting tired? This has been like 10 minutes of constant fighting and running and parkour.

B: Uganda's first action movie! Parkour guy set off an alarm and now there's bad guys everywhere and guns.

M: Bond gets hit by exactly zero of the 900000 bullets being fired by the 50 assault rifles. Now he's holding Parkour guy hostage but not really. He lets him go as a fake and then BLOWS UP 30 PEOPLE.

B: James Bond's war crimes, the movie. You could make an entire movie of those.

M: Why do they have 80 year old Nokia phones?

B: This film came out in 2006 so....

M: Back to the Bad guy! French Mads is having dinner with some randos.

B: Blood comes out of his eyeball sometimes.

M: WHY

B: To make him look cooler and more evil. He's really good at math, that's his evil superpower. Statistics.

M: British agent kills unarmed prisoner reads headline. AND 30 OTHER PEOPLE.

B: Mads is looking at this like - this guy sucks at his job. Oh yeah Judi Dench is here.

M: I don’t know how.

B: She was in some bad movies, okay. She was in CATS.

M: Don't make me remember that. She deserves better. Bond is doing some secret agent shit with some fucking computers that seem way too advanced for a world with the old brick Nokias.

Hacking photosynthesis.

B: Geolocating, triangulating. You think the government would have this kind of technology? They can't even afford printers. If there's one lesson life has taught me, it's that the government is incompetent.

M: H ( who is actually M being played by Judi Dench but Munch is dumb ) is kinda pissed about the rampage of death. Bond is awfully sassy for someone who sucks this much at his job.

B: H tells Bond that he's arrogant and shitty and shouldn't be so egotistical, and he never learns this lesson. He's still arrogant at the end of the movie!

M: That's like the whole Bond thing tho, that he's this verr macho macho man who doesn't need oversight because he's so BADASS except this Bond sucks at being a secret agent.

B: Bond is doing something, he's very cool. He's got GPS.

M: Where the fuck is Q? Doesn't Bond need gadgets and shit??

B: Later. Did I tell you this movie is really boring?

M: No. Bond is tying his shoes and getting the lay the of the land for a long time, which does not at all look suspicious.

B: He's also bad at parking a car. He might have done that on purpose.

M: Just to be an asshole?

B: That guy thought he was the valet.

M: So he destroys his car?

B: You saw what he did to other shit! Bond immediately begins snooping.

M: What even is his mission right now? Watch dvds?

B: He's...secret....I don't know...looking to find some clue? Hang the fuck on, I just got a fucking email from 8TRACKS telling me someone liked my playlist!??! What the hell???

M: Who the hell has an 8tracks account in this year of our lord, 2023???

B: I forgot I did!

James Bond on his Nokia liking my 8tracks Fallout playlist I made in 2014.

M: You and this one other guy apparently. Bond is doing really boring shit. I don't even care. He's getting a hotel room. Whoo. Later we shall bang, beautiful blonde woman at the counter. Bond goes swimming. This is so dull. A woman I assume to be Eva Green rides by on a white horse. No it is not Eva Green. Nevermind. Bond has hacked into H's account to look up criminal profiles on facebook. Le Chiffre, banker...accountant. EVIL GENIUS.

B: Some dudes are playing poker or something. Bond is gonna play. That's important. A hot woman appears. She is the woman from the horse earlier. Her boyfriend is a dick.

M: Bond is gonna gamble away all of H's retirement.

B: Bond is good at poker, but not really.

M: He's probably cheating. And eyeing up the girlfriend. He hasn't banged anyone yet so we gotta get that 13 into the pg-13 rating. Mr Bond is EXTREMELY forward. Hey I know you don't wanna piss off your boyfriend so how about coming back to my place with a man you just met for alcohol?? Biscuits has fucked off and left me. They're just gonna bang on the FLOOR?

B: Sex! James Bond is so cool. Why is she like giving him her life story? By the way this character only exists so Bond have sex with her. I guess he's trying to get information out of her?

M: With his penis?

B: This is spy business!

M: It's penis business, she's going down on him ffs. Or not, cue phone ringing. It's the husband/boyfriend. He's leaving so they can bang all night on the hard floor. Are we sure Bond's not gay? He seems really uninterested in this woman who is crawling all over him.

Hi honey, your voice sounds way deeper over the phone!

B: No he likes banging women, he's a cool guy.

M: When does the next fight scene happen? I'm bored. And out of booze. There's so many scenes of just...nothing happening. More poker is happening and Bond is getting caught by the husbando and they're having a very very boring knife fight where neither one really moves. And husband is stabbed but it's fine, nobody will notice.

B: He just stabs a guy in a museum because he's cool agent guy. Someone has taken the important evidence he was trying to get? But he figures it out by calling the cell phone.

M: How did he have this guy's number? From his wife? Now there's an airport. *yawns* A lot of walking around looking at things. Trying to find the guy who took his stuff. So he calls H and tells her he'll call her back. There might be a bomb.

B: *sits in silence for 10 minutes of these guys walking around doing nothing* Oh yeah...terrorism I guess? That should be the movie summary.

M: Accurate. It's very slow paced terrorism but how exciting can you make evil stonks??

B: They're gonna blow up a plane to tank the stonks and Bond's gotta stop it but he DOESN'T because spoiler alert, he's bad at his job!

M: *sits in silence for another 10 minutes of nothing really exciting happening while Bond doesn't do his job* I guess if I found like...car chases really thrilling...

B: I don't dislike action movie per se, I've discovered, there's some I actually like!

M: There's nothing wrong with some good cheesy action but this is taking itself waaaaaaay too seriously. It's so fucking overwrought. Like....move the fuck on with your action sequence. We all have lives to get back to.

B: The virgin Jame Bond vs the chad John Wick. What's happening? Oh yeah...epic action. SUPA ACTION!

ON IS THE MOVIE!

M: I'd rather be watching Who Killed Captain Alex.

B: That's a masterpiece of cinema so it's not really fair to compare this movie to it.

M: That's true. I like Daniel Craig but baby doll....you can do so much better than this. Let some other boneheaded guy play Bond. Oh I guess Bond's getting arrested.

B: They think he just did terrorism.

M: Meanwhile the other bad guy is blowing up the plane....and himself because Bond...planted a thing on him??

B: Le Chiffre uses an inhaler. I'm really scared of this old accountant with an inhaler. This is your bad guy. This is the guy your government is going after. And that girl Bond was fuckin' is fuckin' dead now.

M: Why is she like...dead on H's lawn???

B: They’re at the hotel I think. H is like...this is all your fault.

M: It IS tho. Le Chiffre is an Albanian chess prodigy accountant to terrorists and he has asthma. He is already like 100 times more interesting than Bond. I wanna know more about this fucking guy. H and Bond have a rousing discussion about stonks.

B: Le Chiffre's biggest crime...insider trading. Btw, you gotta go beat this guy in a poker game to stop terrorism.

M: How...exactly is that gonna stop him?

B: H just explained it, when he loses all his money he's gonna be scared because the guys whose money he has are gonna come after him and then the government is gonna take him in because he knows stuff.

M: Why would Le Chiffre bet ALL HIS MONEY in a poker game???

B: He's...super arrogant. This is Vesper Lynd, our Bond girl.

M: Eva Green is so beautiful and she deserves better than this. So I guess they're just gonna get Bond into this poker game and he's gonna win because uh...he's secret agent guy.

B: Bond has to do some back and forth biting flirtation with her.

M: Bond is apparently also an armchair psychologist. Women love being psychoanalyzed. Gets them so hot.

B: She's right, he is a bastard. She's a good character because she keeps telling him no and he needs to hear that more. He's reckless, he's a danger to everyone around him and he sucks at his job. And half of this movie is just people playing poker. Cool, high energy spy shit.

M: It's not even that interesting when they do the spy shit.

B: He never stops trying to fuck her.

M: Bond apparently only likes married women.

B: Like I said, he's kind of a chode.

M: How did they arrange this game if Le Chiffre knows who Bond is? They were just like, hey we're gonna try and entrap you, you mind?

B: It was already going on and they inserted Bond into it.

M: But if Le Chiffre KNOWS who he is and where he's from then.....

B: Look...the plot makes perfect sense. It just does.

M: WE AREN'T EVEN HALFWAY THROUGH. What the fuck else is gonna build the action for another hour??? We're leading up to a poker game!

B: There is no action. Only poker. Oh yeah Mathis is a character, he's not that important. Bond tells Vesper she needs to look hot for spy reasons so she can distract the other players. Bond assumes MI6 doesn't know his measurements, even though they have a tracking chip in his arm.

M: Seems like a shitty decision for a secret agent to allow a tracking chip....but that's just me. Are you serious about the poker game going on for an hour?? Oh my god. Oh Le Chiffre knows everything. So...okay.

B: This is important, this whole password thing. Sort of.

M: They get to make a password so they can wire the money anywhere in the world or some shit but...

B: It's just so they have an excuse for Le Chiffre not to kill Bond immediately later.

M: But no spoilers.

B: This is where Mads spends a lot of time smouldering.

M: Well...he's good at it. He's the most interesting thing in this movie anyway.

B: Sorry your back is tired from carrying this whole movie, king.

M: The last Craig Bond movie I saw was that one with Javier Bardem as the villian and he carried the entire movie too. They should just make Bond villian movies.

B: Bond was too busy looking at boobies to make a bet.

M: I too, have been distracted by Eva Green's boobs, and unfortunately for you, I guess we do not get to see Mads’ boobies.

B: We do not.

M: Meester Bohnd.

B: This shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but the dealer keeps taking the player's cards and mixing them back in with the cards on the table, which like?? Why would you do that, don’t do that.

M: No cheating here.

B: They assume the audience doesn't know anything about poker, which they probably don't, but...

M: We gotta take a break so Bond can assault Lynn as some way of pretending he knows that Le Chiffre is bluffing but he's wrong.

Just...something happen! Please!

B: He doesn't know shit, he doesn't know that Le Chiffre is bluffing and Matthus's entire role is to tell the audience things and I hate him. I just want two hours of Mads sitting at a poker table in a beautiful building looking angry. Bond plants a tracking mechanism in Le Chiffre's INHALER which is a little ableist, I gotta tell you.

M: It's kinda fucked up. But then....I don't know why they don't just...kill him and instead decided to risk everything on some dumb high stakes poker game.

B: We gotta take this scene now to show these guys who are attacking Le Chiffre for not having their money but he should have the money! He just won like 4 billion on stock terrorism!

M: How the fuck is this guy in the hole to all these people when he's doing all this fucking underground evil money making?!

B: How do they even know where he is?

Yeah these guys are basically just a plot device, what can ya do.

M: They also put a tracker in his inhaler.

B: He takes the medication thing out and it's just full of tracking bugs. He also doesn't care if you hack his girlfriend into pieces.

M: Is Bond gonna fucking rescue the bad guy? Who is not actually that bad of a guy after all?

B: No but he's gonna kill people for no reason. Saving Le Chiffre would've been a very interesting plot twist!

M: They don't have the balls to do anything that interesting.

B: These guys are gonna shoot at him for...overhearing I guess and they're gonna fight in a stairwell because that's cool. (Editor’s note: Isn’t Bond killing the guys who want money from Le Chiffre kinda antithetical to their whole mission...?)(Editor’s editor note: Yes, but as you pointed out earlier, the plot makes perfect sense, it just does.)

M: He's gonna look really beat up when he gets back to the table.

B: Damn, what happened to you?? Oh I had sex with my wife so hard all this blood came out of my face because I'm so cool.

M: Bond is like...Vesper...go tell Matthus to get rid of all these bodies. What the fuck.

B: We gotta be reminded that Daniel Craig is buff and has abs. He's not really my type but he does have big titties.

M: He's old enough....

B: I'm not gonna respond to that.

M: You don't need to. Your old man thirst is well documented on this blog.

B: Le Chiffre is also fine after his horrific incident of terror.

M: I hope this doesn't affect his poker playing!

B: We're taking a break from the poker now because Vesper is traumatized and is sitting in a shower in her evening gown. This is like the one nice moment where Bond is trying to like...comfort her and maybe he's not a complete douchebag. But then he goes right back to being a douche.

Buck up, little camper.

M: He's sucking on her fingers so....yeah.

B: Just kidding, he was being horny the whole time. This your man?

M: Is there a point to that scene? Are we supposed to think he's a kinder gentler Bond....why has this game paused for the entire night???

B: It's like a tournament that goes on for several days...I think. Matthus just frames some rando for the murders in the stairwell.

M: That's fucked up. Mads stares deeply out a window.

B: Absolutely serving cunt.

M: The worst part is...the poker game is more interesting to me than anything else that's happened in this entire movie.

B: Bames Nond is gonna up the stakes because he thinks he knows when Le Chiffre is bluffing.

M: They're playing it up by making it look like Le Chiffre has all these tells by touching his temples and shit but come on. This guy is a chess prodigy.

B: And then Le Chiffre goes ALL IN so that Bond has to go all in to match him. And now we're gonna have to pause for a minute so I can rant.

M: Four of a kind beats a full house motherfucker. Okay rant away.

B: Bond bet all his money so now he's broke and he's like, hey Vesper you and the accountant people need to give me more money! And they're like no, which is the correct response, because all he's done is LOSE! He's just demonstrated that he's really bad at poker! But then THIS OTHER GUY who was there at the poker table, who has not been important yet at all, is like "Hey I'm from the CIA and I'll buy you back into the game" - like WHAT. MY MAN. Also ensuring that James Bond receives ABSOLUTELY NO CONSEQUENCES for his fucking failure!

M: Also, Bond just decides he's gonna kill Le Chiffre - with a fucking kitchen knife. But CIA guy stops him.

B: 007, Consequences. That doesn't sound like a very good movie, does it? But then Le Chiffre's girlfriend who kinda looks like Britney Spears poisons Bond's martini.

M: But why, he already lost all his money and he didn't actually attack Le Chiffre so....

B: He unlost tho so....she decided to give him consequences. It was just a drop of consequence poisoning.

M: Bond runs to the bathroom to barf and sweat and then go to his car in the middle of the game, which seems like it would also have consequences but that's where all his cool gadgets are so he can be like oh no I've been poisoned.

When will you learn?? When will you learn that your actions have CONSEQUENCES??

B: I don't wanna have to say it again but...Bames Nond is having a stronk....call the Bondulance. They’re like...defibrillate yourself.

M: Why don't they just fucking call an AMBULANCE. Or a BONDULANCE. How do they know it's digitalis???

B: The chip that monitors his blood can tell that but he didn't plug in the defibrillator because he's bad at his job! Eva shows up and she somehow knows what's going on and how to plug in the defibrillator and save him.

M: Bond, poisoned about 20 seconds ago is fine now. That's not how poison works.

B: When you die, it removes status effects! Come on!

M: You don't suddenly like...have a heart attack and then be like, oh poison gone.

B: Le Chiffre makes a great ‘how are you not dead’ face.

M: Back to poker. Stop trying to kill everyone and just fucking play. Two aces on the table so that's big. Everyone is going all in. If Le Chiffre is not fucking STUPID he won't do it but he's gonna because he's a bad guy. Bond goes all in.

B: As we clarified, he's bad at poker, but he's trying to force Le Chiffre to do it too.

M: He has to lose because otherwise they'll stare at each other longingly for all eternity. What would happen if one of these other dudes had four of a kind? A royal flush?

B: But Bond wins the poker game with a straight flush and Le Chiffre is mad now.

M: Why is the CIA playing in a high stakes game anyway? Bond needs to get some grub. Which is fair.

B: He just wants to hit on Vesper.

M: There's still like...half an hour left.

B: The climax happens and then the falling action just goes on for like...half an hour.

M: That was the climax???

B: No that's the point that's coming up. That's when I climaxed at least. Vesper is like, don't you even care that you murdered two people?

M: And Bond is like, I've killed way more people than that. Oh shit....Matthus. He might be in danger!

B: Actually he was a double agent! He was working for the bad guy the whole time! And Bond runs after a moving car. He's gotta get in his cooler car.

M: Is this gonna be another 20 minute long chase scene? I'm sorry but there's NO WAY he somehow swerved to miss hitting Vesper tied up in the middle of the road also how did they get here there that fast?

Bond is definitely very alive after this, trust us.

B: Bond wrecks the ever loving shit out of his car and he is now dead. They have Bond now and they gotta get the tracking chip out of his arm. I guess they knew about it because of Matthus. Time for your ball flattening.

M: *dies laughing* Ouch.

B: I'm not kidding!

M: Oh this is a real thing?!

B: Dude this is the cock and ball torture scene!

M: You didn't say anything about a fucking CBT scene!!!

B: I thought everyone knew that happened!

M: NO. We're gonna have to put a CBT warning. I don't wanna see this! Oh god. Bond is naked and strapped to a chair with the base cut out and Le Chiffre is carrying a big rope and uh....

B: Le Chiffre has to sensually tell Bond he's taken good care of his body. All of Bond's villians are gay coded, they have been for ages, it's fine, nobody’s mad.

M: Hannibal training. I really don't need to see this happening. Is this where the pg13 rating comes in?

B: Is this an inappropriate time to say God I wish that were me?

M: YES. He just whacked Bond in the nuts with a huge rope.

B: Thank you daddy, may I have another? I wanna be whoever had to spray Mads to make him that greasy. Man is fucking lubricated.

M: Bond is screaming though, as anyone would be. But he's trying to be cool about having his balls decimated. Le Chiffre has a point tho.....even if he kills Bond, MI6 would still welcome him because he knows too much stuff. Much better terrorist tactic, threaten Vesper.

B: Is little mister Bond gonna tell Daddy the password, or is he gonna keep being a naughty boy?

Man, 50 Shades of Grey looking better than I remember

M: I don't know you.

B: Just in time to save Bond's balls, it's some guy! With a gun! Honestly it would’ve been a very bold move to make it canon that Bond loses his balls. But that doesn't happen. The world wasn't ready for gay, ball-less, villian rescuing James Bond.

M: They weren't even ready for a black Bond, do you remember the hate toward Idris Elba??? They would never let us remove Bond's Balls. Oh yeah....Le Chiffre is dead.

B: Matthus is actually like...a triple agent? He was working for them but now he's not really? Or maybe he is. He's just a plot device.

M: I have no idea. They just tased him.

B: I stopped watching after this point the first time because Mads was dead and all I wanted was him sitting there looking mad at a poker table.

M: Vesper is here and she's gonna make Bond feel all better, and I wanna know how he thinks he's gonna bone her when his balls are the size of grapefruits.

B: This man's testicles are wrecked right now. But because of trauma bonding, they're totally into each other right now. Speaking of people who don't have balls...it's my cat!

M: Hi kitty. They should have Bond sitting there with a giant ice pack on his lap. Vesper suddenly is like, I love you even without your balls. WHY.

B: Dude....

M: Bond is like, I have no armor. You must love me now. I love you. I have no balls. This is the fucking movie, friends. Are we really supposed to believe Names Bond is gonna settle down???

B: Sex mode activated!

M: He's pretty motivated for a dude with a hospital bed in his room.

B: We must be reminded that Daniel Craig is buff. Every Bond actor is like someone your mom thinks is hot.

So you’re a buff guy, like it really rough guy, just can’t get enough guy

M: My mom definitely thinks Daniel Craig is hot. He's okay.

B: I think Vesper double crosses him actually.

M: Good. He's got it coming.

B: I'm ready to quit my job and travel the world with you, woman I've known for two days. He's acting like he's gonna quit because being a secret agent is so hard on him emotionally. He's resigning, but not really.

M: I think he's just afraid for his balls. Which is fair. Why isn't this over yet? The bad guy is dead.

B: We gotta set up for the next movie. He always looks like such a goober when he's not in his sleek spy suit. Why would his employer want him to come back?? He failed at everything.

M: He didn't even take out the bad guy. Le Chiffre is dead but that's not what they wanted, they wanted him alive.

B: Everything went wrong except that Bond is cool now and he gets to fuck a woman half his age.

M: Ooooh H wants to know where the monies are, and Bond is like...oshit...is Vesper stealing all the money?? Uh oh. Now MI6 is gonna kick your ass. To be fair, if I was Vesper...I would've done the same thing. Fuck this guy.

B: She's being manipulated by some secret organization because she couldn't have done this of her own free will because woman.

M: That's way less interesting.

B: I thought it was gonna turn out the person she'd been in love with was Le Chiffre but no. He doesn't like women that much.

M: I like my version better where she's just like, you know what Bond, you're a lying sack of shit with huge swollen balls and I'm taking your monies.

B: We gotta have one more action scene because otherwise the board would be like no we need more shoot gun explosion action.

M: Boo. This should have ended like an hour ago.

B: The falling action goes on forever. They had to set up the next movie instead of being like hey Bond your next mission is to go to Costa Rica and fuck some dudes in the ass! Except more British.

M: He's gotta cause enough property damage to negate all the money MI6 would've gotten back.

Listen, blowing up that building was just a goof!

B: This might be more than that. He's levelling buildings. Daniel Craig does have extremely blue eyes. They are very pretty. Nice titties and very blue eyes.

M: The bar is so low. He's like...perpetually doing duckface tho as his natural expression. I don't even know what's happening, stuff is just exploding. Vesper might be drowning, there's a lot of dust and gunfire. I assume Bond will come out on top. Oh he's gonna rescue Vesper? Or not. She's gonna commit aliven't??

B: Secret agent stuff? I guess? Some kind of thing.

M: This makes no sense.

B: That's implying the rest of the movie did make sense. No, don't try to save me. I love you, let me drown to death. She just exhaled so much, she would be drowning already, so would he.

M: She does tho and he's fine, despite all of his exhalation.

B: He might not be good at his job but he's got the lung capacity of a seal.

M: Somehow he got her out of the water and now he's doing the sexiest version of rescue breathing I've ever seen, wherein he doesn't even exhale and just makes out with her corpse.

B: We don't really feel bad for him tho because as we've clarified, he's kind of an asshole, and we don't feel bad for her because she mostly existed for him to bang.

M: And now M has to explain that Vesper had a boyfriend but they kidnapped him and were threatening to kill him so...that's kinda fucked up. Bond is like, NO I DON'T CARE ANYMORE SHE WAS A BITCH.

B: He's acting like a 10 year old. Now we'll never know who was behind all this because you fucked it all up, Bond. Don't worry, he'll fall in love with a different woman in the next movie.

M: I'm literally just waiting for this fucking movie to end. It won't end. They keep adding random shit that means nothing. There's another criminal fucking organization behind everything and we donut care at all. Some other guy just got shot by Bond. BLARG. I don't really have any closing thoughts uh....Bond really sucks now. Like...either stick to your guns and make him this utterly dehumanizing super macho bullshit strong dude or don't. But don't fucking go back and forth with it the whole movie. It's annoying as hell. The villian was 10000 times more interesting.

B: James Bond? More like LAMES BOND.

M: Parfait.

Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

#james bond #names bond #007 #munchflix #casino royale #review #humor #mads mikkleson #mads mikkelsen #eva green #judi dench #daniel craig

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desperatecheesecubes · 2 months

Text

Now that we’re into March here’s my reading wrap up for February! (Part 1 because I read too many things for Tumblr)

Interesting facts About Space By Emily Austen

Dates Read: February 1-2.

Review: 5 stars

Thoughts: I loved this as much as I loved Everyone In This Room Will Someday Be Dead. I was a little apprehensive in the beginning about how I would like this writing style over a full length novel but I needn’t have worried.

Things You May Find In My Ear: Poems from Gaza by Mosab Abu Toha

Dates Read: February 2-3

Review: Four Stars

Thoughts: I don’t think I can speak articulately about what is happening, and has been happening, in Palestine. This collection was painful to read and very important I think.

The Splendid City by Karen Heuler

Dates Read: January 29-February 4

Review: 2 stars

Thoughts: have you ever thought you had important things to say, sat down and thought real hard about how to articulate them, but then realized you sounded like an idiot? Yeah that’s this whole book. It’s BAD. It’s a fucking mess. I do not recommend it to anyone,

Green Lantern (2023) issues 7-8

Dates Read: February 7 and February 18

Review: 3 stars and 3 stars

Thoughts: im really enjoying this run so far! It’s got everything I like! Hal’s dysfunctional relationship with Carol, Kyle being definitely totally mentally well FOR SURE, and Guy ready to fuck shit up immediately! I have not been reading the back ups because, and this is true, I could not care less about this son of Sinestro that’s been shoehorned into being. Sinestro already had a daughter who was complex and fleshed out. And if they wanted to keep writing Supersons they shouldn’t have aged up Jon 🤷‍♀️. And can you fucking believe they’re ignoring Chris Kent again?! Everyday I be seething.

Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See

Dates Read: February 4-8

Review: 4 stars

Thoughts: Lisa See knows how to write books that destroy me and I hope she never stops. The scene where they were trapped on a mountain and debating which son to let die?? Holy shit. The movie was bad though lol.

Batman the Cult issues 1-4

Dates Read: February 9, February 10, February 12, February 18

Review: 3 stars

Thoughts: Started this miniseries because I was sad the Robin in Infinity Inc wasn’t Jason lmao. Over all this was an interesting story I guess but it’s no longer a unique one in the way it might have been when published. Batman gets beaten by his villians mentally kind of a lot now. I’d also heard this was a great story for Jason and I… don’t really agree? He never really did anything lol.

Infinity Inc: the Generations Saga Vol 1

Dates Read: February 7-9

Review: 3 stars

Thoughts: I was so fucking confused going into this because I forgot it takes place on Earth 2, and ALSO because I didn’t realize the first few issues happen during World War II. But it was a fun set up. Can’t believe Dick went out like a bitch in this timeline tho. Homie does not have a good record.

Superman Lost issues 8-10

Dates Read: February 18

Review: 3 stars (miniseries gets a 4 over all)

Thoughts: I wish the pacing had been just a little different (I would have loved to explore Lois dealing with her impending death more, Clark mourning the loss of a child more etc etc. also Lois getting instacured wasn’t my favorite thing) but I really enjoyed what this mini did. I’ll probably have to reread the whole thing to figure it out but I gave it 4 stars over all.

Spidergwen: Smash! Issue 3

Dates Read: February 18

Review: 3 stars

Thoughts: I just think they should make Gwen and Em-Jay kiss

Adventures of Superman issues 511-512

Dates Read: February 18, February 22

Review: 3 stars, 3 stars

Thoughts: This arc was fine until Superman started swelling up a whole bunch….

#mine #literature #monthly wrap up

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southieparkie · 2 years

Text

SPOILER WARNING: SP POST COVIDE: RETURN OF COVID!!!!!!!

Okay soooo there’s a lot to unpack here.

- First of all, the four boys chanting “Let’s go Nuggets” at the beginning made my heart so happy omg.

- OMFG STAN BURN FARM AND SHELLY FUNERAL WE SAW IT ALL YOU GUYS HHHHHHHH (SHARON’S VA ATE THAT FUNERAL SCENE UP THE REALISM HAD ME CRYINGGGG)

- the fight scene with token was so random and unexpected but i stg it may have been the second greatest thing in this special lmao

- tweek standing up and saying that he’ll do whatever he can to help stop covid just…it’s great. like, yes nervous blond man, you go find that tin foil with ur husband

- the whole anne frank reference they did with menorah was okay ig

- the scene where craig n those guys realize they need tin foil and connecting the dots as to who victor chaos really is was fucking brilliant. we as an audience already figured out that vic is actually butters wayy before this special even aired, the beauty of it all is that the audience knows, but the characters dont. so seeing them put the pieces together and letting the mystery reveal itself was not only satisfying to watch but also really clever. like, wendy and token and all those guys didn’t say what they were thinking, but we KNEW what they were thinking. (i suck at analyzing things dont come for me pls i just think its neat :( )

- BUTERS!’dnsjskxkw

- wait no VIC

- butters being an NFT salesman is the LAST thing i predicted for this special but ykw? i’m nOT mad at it

- BUTTERS CALLED KENNY “KEN” DID YOU GUYS HEAR HIM.

- why did we have to see his penis tho

- and we saw kenny’s dead penis in the last special like omg stop i can’t keep defending u guys, matt n trey

- CRAIG N TWEEK GOT KNOCKED TF OUT PLEASEEEEEEE

- Tweek pointing and screaming when Craig got his shit rocked is so him

- kyle having an alexa and being scared shitless from said alexa going bonkers was a good laugh

- clyde’s villian origin story was definitely something

- the scene where stan is comforting wendy with the wet rag after the whole NFT attack thingy butters did was so wholesome i was smiling through the whole thing

- THE PART WHERE KYLE STARTED WIPING TOKEN’S PHONE WITH THE RAG TOOK ME OUT

- speaking of that cartman taking butters to the lab KNOWING that butters’ NFT shtick can cause major chaos (see what i did there) was pretty smart

- IKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- let’s talk about the fight between eric and kyle cause y’all already know that kyman shippers will use the clip of eric rocking kyle’s shit to prove that kyle is indeed a submissive uwu boy and cartman is a big dom. maybe im over exaggerating, but there are people out there who think like this still and its dumb

- we’ll save that convo for another day. anyways, the two alexas kicking butters’ ass in the pews made me snort

- eric’s baby is a little shit

- clyde’s dramatic walk he does when he’s about to k-word kyle in the past is freaking hilarious to me.

- WHY DID CLYDE HAVE TO D!3 WTH IS WRONG WITH YALL LET HIM LIVE

- stan, kyle, ken, and eric on the jumbotron at the nuggets game is probably the exact moment in which the south park fandom’s hope for the broship/future episodes was restored

- the letter stan wrote to randy made me SOBBB. HE SAID I LOVE U HNNNNNN

- okay so about the ending

- IKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- STAN IS AN ASTRONAUT OR SOMETHING IM NOT RLLY SURE WHAT HE IS BUT HE ISNT AN ALSCHOHOLIC YES

- uhh….so uh……we all agree that kyle and stan have adopted kids together and that they call him uncle stan just cause they’re confused, yes?? stan and kyle are together and they have children?? do they not?????

- no?? k

- STENDY. WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO ON NEW YEARS?????? MAKE OUT PERHAPS???????????

- if they accidentally reproduce that night and sam marsh becoms canon im gonna drag my teeth against hot concrete

- kenny didn’t get any speaking lines what the fuck matt & trey u had one job

- yall was tweek drinking wine?? material gworl????

- TIMMY OH MY GOD

- TIMMY MY BOY THERE HE GO ON THE SCREEN

- rating: 9.5/10

- bring on the NFT butters/Mad Scientist kenny fanart cowards idc if you suck at rendering or whatever

- AND fanfics don’t forget the fanfics

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hetaliatxtpostz · 3 years

Note

and Finally an actor au. (Sorry for spamming the Ask box!)

YES! No, no, don’t be sorry, I asked you to. Okay, this AU is one I’m so excited about.

I think this actor AU could be very, very fun if they were acting in Hetalia as a live-action show like I’ve seen @cereal-miilk do. But that might just be why they were all together. This is just how I would do them as actors in general.

Here’s my ;) cast:

Feliciano Vargas: Feli does exclusively indie horror/thriller productions as the villian. He has played some incredibly disturbing roles. His ability to convey a truly terrifying (many times inhuman) antagonist has landed him a cult following, tho he refuses to do any projects that would win him real fame, as he prefers the freedom of indie projects to convey truly dark themes. The people who have seen his acting are startled to find he’s a delightful and bubbly person outside of his roles.

Lovino Vargas: Also plays only villains, but he plays high-class types of villains. He plays opposite to action stars. He does a lot of popular movies. He’s great at accent work. His career is much more well known than his brother’s, although the people who know them both do say Feliciano is better for the sheer inhumanness of his performances... And there is a bit of mixup sometimes between them.

Romulus Vargas: Played a lot of famous roles of sexy action heros. Now does mostly cameos that reference himself. (Think Harrison Ford, but if he leaned heavily into his own hype.) Is very interested in sons careers: he’d like for Feliciano to take any role in any other type of movie. He thinks that Lovino should try playing a hero.

Wang Yao: The most famous actor in this lineup, especially in Asia (tho Romulus is more popular in America, Yao is more popular by the numbers). He has starred in a number of dramas. He has a lot more range to his acting than Romulus does. He refuses to tell people how old he is, but also is very insistent that he has more experience than anyone else he works with, and knows better. He has won so many awards and so much critical acclaim. The moves he makes are art.

Honda Kiku: He works mostly in j-dramas. He has a very private life outside of tv shows, and he doesn’t really have much interest in acting in movies.

Arthur Kirkland: Arthur Kirkland exclusively does two things: voice overs for documentaries, and period dramas. He works for the BBC, and he’s content with these two things, and that’s it.

Francis Bonnefoy: Does the cheesiest hallmark type rom-coms. He adores the rom-com. His goal in life is to start in as many rom-coms as possible. He loves over-acting. He doesn’t really do subtlety.

Antonio Fernandez Carriedo: He’s an actor that either plays action roles or like wholesome family type roles and nothing in between. He definitely has a lot of buzz presswise that’s stuff like “got into a bar fight” or “crashed a convertible.” But he’s still nice to his fans.

Ivan Braginski: Is a character actor who plays henchmen or the muscle for any show, but is really a very sweet guy who’s knitting backstage.

Matthew Williams: Does mostly comedies when he does movies. When he’s in TV shows he tends to be a one-off character actor which is something like “a guy who lives in the woods.”

Alfred F. Jones: He started off as Matthew’s stuntman, but when MAtthew found him reading off Matthew lines, he decided that Alfred was good enough to also be an actor and started securing roles for him. Alfred has a lot of range in acting. He does his own stunts. His dream is to play a superhero.

Ludwig Beilschmidt: Like a b-list actor, he tends to do only terrible movies you would find on like the sci-fi channel. Tho his being so handsome has won him a bit of a following, and there are serval memes going about regarding this hot actor.

Gilbert Beilschmidt: Was a popular vlogger before anyone cast him, and his casting was a surprise to people. Not considered a “real” actor. He is good at acting, and he works hard to be taken seriously, especially with his online image.

Extra Stuff

Okay so these are just my ideas for if they did do a live-action version of Hetalia where they all worked together.

Feliciano & Lovino working together and they have some tension that bleeds over into their acting (along with their villian energy that they have to work to tone down):

Feliciano: you need to stop telling the people I’m flirting with that I'm a slut. Lovino: you need to not pretend to be me and then say I do cocaine in interviews. Ludwig: .... What? You didn't actually do that did you? Feliciano: UGH ONE TIME!

Feliciano *brushing a strand of hair from his face, flirting, kinda softly*: I'm not that annoying in real life, you know-- Lovino *from the background*: BEG TO DIFFER!!!!

Also like, Matthew being like “you were my stuntman, then I started your career. So like, I kinda own your career?” And then he’s dedicated to just annoying Alfred-- peak sibling energy.

Matthew: "Alfred wants to play his younger self too." or “Should Canada just murder America in this episode, ‘cause--” Alfred: "Working with you is a nightmare"

The cast is surprised by the sheer volume that Matt can yell "ALFRED" across the set bc he's always whispering in character. (To which Alfred will shout back just as loud.)

Francis & Arthur are married outside of their roles, and they have to tone down being sweet and married in the show, bc they know they’re supposed to be fighting. But also:

Arthur *watching Francis play France*: You’re never like that with me at home." Francis You want me to be... Annoying? At home?

Romulus roped Yao into doing this project, and that’s the only reason such a talented and famous actor is in the show:

The rumor mill is like "are famous actors Romulus and Yao dating???!!" Based on this stupid show, and Yao sends Romulus that headline like "every day I work on this project my life is measurably worse and it's your fault."

Alfred is also in awe of Romulus’ action roles, and he’s like “wow can you sign my face??”

Other random details I would include:

Gilbird isn't part of the script Gilbert just loves his bird that much and asked if he could have him.

Lovino and Feliciano are also trying to make a crossover project where they’re two different types of villians having it out: it’s a movie.

I think it would be funny if Ludwig was actually American with German parents, and Alfred is actually Canadian like Matthew but can do an American so well.

Everyone on this set is having so much fun.

#hetalia #au ask game #actor au #I'm very enamoured with this AU #especially italy as an indie horror actor #i would ditch everything else for italy doing indie horror movies its so good

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jess-the-vampire · 3 years

Note

Sooooo whatya think of the new episodeee?

Oh it’s definitely my favorite episode of the series so far, i was having such a good time at every turn. I’m glad i went out of my way to avoid spoilers, cause i was glad to actually be surprised by some elements on first watch.

I think this had by far the best opening for an episode so far, we finally get back to the villians, we meet the coven heads, we get insight on belos’s plans-

and then belos gets constipated, which starts getting into the more character driven lore, which is the best part. You instantly can tell GG and Kiki have some bit of tension between them to be Belo’s favorite, though granted i wonder if hunter is the only one to know belos is cursed and actually just always insists to help belos with his fits to prevent others from seeing them.

Including kiki.

It’s honestly unclear how aware anyone is that belos is cursed, like him eating pailsmans is apparently not something he hides, but like....i feel him being cursed is something that people would know universally if it got out...so i’m left wondering if anyone knows besides hunter.

Regardless, belos turns into a goop monster with an angry side, and i guess his mask doesn’t transform with him compared to the rest of his body so he breaks it again because i guess he goes though masks like crazy.

Hunter turns away in this scene from his outburst and even though he’s masked here i can already tell he’s most likely pained in these scenes. Like he’s probably seen this happen so many times, and i can’t imagine it gets any easier for him, it’s probably awful to watch belos suffer like this for him (Regardless of the abuse)

And to be honest, it seems pretty painful for him, i think this ep seems to at least confirm whatever this thing is that takes over belos’s body.....belos never actually wanted it in the first place.

Yeah so after Hunter tells belos there’s not enough trees to medicate him anymore, we’re hit with the “UNCLE”. Which, when i first watched it i needed a second to even process the fact they confirmed their relation.

and i was like “CLOSE ENOUGH”, not his kid but uncle still works just fine for me, i’m just happy my assumption they were related actually came to ahead.

And i rewatched this episode a few times, and on second watch i realized more what happened in this scene. Hunter was talking about his interest in wild magic, and making more pailsman to help belos, and some method that could heal him and as soon as belos looked at him he instantly shut down.

He was clearly rambling about wild magic cures for belos because of his interest in it, and then suddenly remembered his uncle hates wild magic and felt super awkward.

It seems highly likely his interest in wild magic came from trying to cure belos and spending a lot of time reading up on the stuff.

And then we get hit with the whole “Our family is dead because of wild magic” line, which.....i’m curious to know what happened there. But it does at least explain why belos feels how he does, if wild magic both killed his family beside hunter AND cursed him in the first place. We’re just gonna need more info on what exactly happened.

Also while Belos is def abusive and does not treat hunter how he should, this scene actually does read off to me like belos does care about hunter to some degree. If belos is cursed and his curse works in similar ways to how Eda’s curse works, then it’s worth reminding ppl that eda mentions early this season how stress can amplify the curse even more.

And sure enough, belos goes goopy on hunter’s shoulder all of a sudden when he grasps him. Which could be considered a sign of stress and that the idea of hunter dying or being in danger actually does stress him.

You could very much also assume this is just due to his curse not being fully handled and just getting worse, or that belos only cares about hunter for selfish reasons....but i’m not taking anything off the table here.

Belos can still be a shitty uncle, and still care about hunter, these aren’t mutually exclusive traits. But we need more episodes for now on this.

But anyways he asks hunter if he can rely on him, kiki is pissed......and we move on.

So i’m glad luz’s impulsiveness is addressed a ton in this episode, they actually bring up a lot of good points. That luz has no plan, that the time she’s spending here might render moot if she goes back to earth, ect ect.

Hunter even calls her out a lot later for not thinking things through, it’s a whole deal in this episode. I’m glad it was brought up cause it’s actually worth asking a lot of these things.

the set up here works, they actually made a good reason for why a pailsman didn’t bond with her. Speaking of which the adoption thing is cute and i love it, it’s a great idea. The designs are all very cute and fun.

Bump face reveal was a lot for me to process, but i find the idea of his pailsman being a pet that can help with his disabilities a good idea.

Also like, i did find it odd that they got staffs so early because we’ve never seen kids their ages with them before, but i guess it’s a new tradition? Does everyone at hexside now have one?

Honesty not sure why batqueen left the nest there overnight, i meant i guess she assumed they were safe with that shield but in context i dunno why she didn’t take them home after the school day was over.

but whatever, luz stays there overnight hoping a pailsman will bond with her and GG just kidnapps them cause of pure luck on his part a bunch of pailsman were in a vulnerable spot tonight.

So GG continues to be charming, by whistling the theme song and then being blasted off his ship hilariously, before cockily teleporting himself right back on it seconds later. Like he and luz have great banter, he’s so extra like this it’s so funny, and god he’s so FAST with that staff it’s scary but so awesome.

Yeah so then hand dragon crashes them and i was so excited cause it meant face reveal. Poor dude looked so in pain and then we find out kiki tried to effing murder him because of course she did. But like, i think killing your boss’s nephew is the WORST way to get a promotion tbh.

(Also i got confused for a bit cause his mask has always been drawn as a mask, but now it’s a helmet in this scene for whatever reason but-)

Anyways, face reveal, Like honestly ppl weren’t too far off with their guesses, really the only thing people didn’t get was the tooth gap (That was fair tho, we couldn’t have guessed that). But it did make him even cuter.

like the banter is funny, he licks her hand, she slaps him, he looks SO pissed at her for this mess.

and i guess that outfit is his under armor apparently.

He’s lucky she didn’t run away immediately and followed him, but maybe he assumed she would since she had no where else to go.

Also his expressions in this ep are glorious, these had to be fun to draw.

Also we find out that the coven team members have never seen his face i guess? They just assume he’s a silly kid and are awful to him, so i guess he’s not only the youngest member of the coven but he never really shows his face much.

(”Call your parents”, ha ha.....whose gonna tell them who his uncle is?)

He is however, REALLY good at parkour and he’s fast even without his staff, so he’s well trained alright.

And then they reveal he’s not magical and i was SO happy cause i was so sure something was up when he wasn’t doing magic like the other witches despite his pointy ears. So they outright confirmed what i thought.

Hunter is pretty smart tho, like he can tell luz wouldn’t hurt him and wouldn’t flee so he knows he has the high ground here. Like he might be being a bit of a dick, but to be fair luz has been nothing but a dick to him throughout the whole episode (Everyone in this episode has been a dick to him tbh)

They team up and i get excited cause i love this kinda stuff and it gets more wholesome because hunter is super interested in her magic, he thinks it’s cool and you can tell how much he actually loves wild magic but then again...shuts himself down because of belos making him fear the stuff.

An then because luz asks, he tells her his backstory.

honestly with how this world treats people who aren’t magically powerful, living and growing up in a world that would find you useless sounds....awful. Hunter must be an anomaly around here, human blood or not.

Luz coming here to learn is different then growing up in a world and being the only one with no abilities and no future without them. Belos provides him with magic and a future, it’s no wonder he stays with him despite everything.

the whole “Found me” thing is weird, cause belos implies they’re blood related and hunter makes it sound like belos semi-adopted him. Which....if he did i dunno why “Uncle” and not “Adopted dad”, but ok....guess that’s for later.

Apparently hunter is important for something tho with the “Titan has big plans for me” thing, not sure what, but-

But yeah as soon as Hunter talked about wanting to make his own future and Rascal tried to land on him i knew EXACTLY where this was going, it was so cuteeeeee. The lil birb wanted to be with hunter, that’s so wholesome.

And he’s so terrified because of belos and what wild magic did to him, the poor bab.

But yeah, luz then trusts him with his staff back, because again....impulsive. But hunter does actually ask if she’s sure, so he might as well be asking if she trusts him.

The plan goes ahead, and hunter nearly betrays her.

though granted, hunter never promised her he’d stop and let her take them away, the truce was supposed to last till kiki was stopped and they were gonna fight out who got the pailsman. But it does bother luz cause she was hopeful he was better then this.

But just like he did before, she calls him out and he doesn’t betray her, because he’s ALSO too nice to do it, just like he said she was. He says his name (Which also took a moment to process), and then beats the crap out of kiki while letting luz get away and protecting her like a badass.

He might not have magic, but he’s good at fighting

like he can easily teleport to luz and take the pailsman, but he doesn’t, he lets them get away and luz knows this. Even though she also knows hunter has to go back to the emperor too and they have to separate.

It’s only slightly bitter terms, because in the end he came through for her and she knows it.

honestly, the worst part is i can’t even be mad at hunter for it, i’m sure he was terrified to fail belos. Both because he loves him and doesn’t want him to suffer....but also because of well...being punished. Really says something when his near betrayal doesn’t even make me mad at him, and i can understand why he nearly did it.

He let her go, knowing he’d be in SERIOUS trouble and that it would hurt someone he actually loves, so....ouch.

so yeah at this point i knew rascal wanted him so it was only of matter of what happened next.

Which was, luz getting the wood, which i like more anyway. Eda and King doing this offscreen and coming home like this is actually very funny, and honestly i appreciate the message of it being ok to wait.....means a lot to me.

yeah so belos is like...being an ass, like the kid tried his hardest, you don’t need to hit him with the “Is this the thanks i get?”. He’s a kid and he’s trying to cure you you dick, give him a break he doesn’t remotely have to help you like this.

Also apparently belos has not even told hunter HOW this happened, like...dude. Hunter is trying to be entirely reasonable here and belos spikes at him, which does imply some physical abuse though the only reason hunter doesn’t get a new scar is because he moves.

but how he reacts implies this has happened before, he is bracing for impact and he flinches. It’s pretty sad tbh, especially since hunter loves him and belos’s respect means something to him.

Belos is such an idiot, like c’mon dude, hunter is trying to help you and you don’t listen to him you dick. Kid shouldn’t have to say sorry for anything he did nothing wrong, he was just trying to help.

Anyways, he gloats at kiki (So at the very least she knows what he looks like under the mask), which he deserves a chance to do anyway. So i guess he didn’t rat her out for trying to kill him, personally my guess why is blackmail.....he was gonna hold it over her head to keep her from doing it again and threaten to tell belos.

But kiki quickly tells he LET the pailsman get away since he was the one to fight her (Curse his cute loose hair strand). So i guess now they have dirt on each other, so that’s fun.

His room is adorable, though the med kit by the bed is concerning.

Rascal comes for him and it;s so cute....though you can tell hunter nearly hurts him on instinct because of force of habit, but it’s so cute how he cares and how the birb loves him and is his new staff.

it was well hinted to as well, it’s so subtle, but the bird being cheery, curious, and his constant habit of escaping boundaries was perfect for hunter. He represents what hunter wants to be and why they got matched is done so well, all without explaining anything.

Hunter indirectly stated his deepest wish, to make his own choices, and rascal resonated with that.

can’t wait to see where this goes.

great ending shot, love me some conflicted shots looking out of windows like trapped birds.

also this title was a pun the whole time i can’t-

#the owl house #toh #toh spoilers #golden guard #toh golden guard #the owl house golden guard #the golden guard #the owl house luz #emperor belos #kikimora

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tiny-pun · 3 years

Text

Evil lairs/lovers nest

Same difference, am I right ? Cause every villian needs an evil lair. But who builds it ? Thats right: An Architect. Here are some prompts for that:

The Villian is evil

Aka if the architect is just a regular person

The villain tries to cover up their "evil intentions"

Nontheless the architect is both intriuged and scared by this mysterious person, even if they are scared for their and others saftey ...but they just can´t bear to leave this amazing and/or horrifying project to someone else, now can they?

the villian fails to do so... buuut is both relieved and surprised to see the hero believing them anyway ( this could become either angsty “ I had hoped i was wrong “ or hilarious “ Oh, I knew from the beginning but i didn´t want to scare you/ you were so cute and flustred how could i pass on this? “ )

The Architect doesn’t realise what they're building

cause the villian comes up with good cover ups

they´re too focused on not swooning at everything the villian says or does

cause they're just that oblivious

cause they actively don't think about what their creations can be used for, cause they know in most cases it won't be what they intended it to be.. e.g. a private “doctor´s office” so what's an evil lair on top of that right ? Aka self protecting ignorance .. which kinda makes them a villian too...

They literally don't give a fuck and just want to create something

Villian AND Architect are evil

Or are doing this for evil reasons

The architect is a former villian/ former second hand to the biggest villian out there . But now since they're dead ... well they needed a new villian to be along side

The architect is a regular architect but has an evil side, the villian (un)consciously brings out of them and before the building is finished, they've become partners without realising it

Evil lairs are their expertise, aka they're an infamous star architect among villians world wide so this armature project.. it's literally just "another project" to them ... until it's not

The architect is sent by the hero to figure out the villians plan.

The architect is sent by the villian to figure out the heros plan.

The Architect is evil

Aka if the other one is actually a hero

The hero doesn´t realise it but they worded their request in a way, the Architect thought they were a villian asking for an evil lair: their speciality

The Architect agrees so they can built in secret passages etc. to have easy acess later on aka they´re playing the long game.

The architect sees the hero as a villian, maybe even met before hand aka enemies to lovers but the hero doesn´t know the architect hates them at the beginning

The Architect constantly tries to convince the hero of buy/building sth. “evil” and the hero is always “ hmmm that´s not a bad idea but i don´t think i would need it” or “ hmm this doesn´t go with the aesthetic tho.. “ or “ i don´t know but doesn´t this seem kinda mean ? even against my arch nemesis i wouldn´t you it..”

The hero praises the Architect all the time for their good ideas etc. and they just cannot deal with it... like .. why are they suddenly a blushing stuttering mess constantly?

Of course in all of these they fall in love with one another !

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sxfik · 3 years

Note

I've been watched a lot of dramas but I've never been so emotionally engaged like in Vincenzo. I think after final I will have strong post drama syndrome.

hiiiii, thank you for sending an ask in!!

and same anon, i have been watching kdramas for around 4 years now but this is the first where ive gotten so emotionally invested that ive actually posted and written fics and "analysis." vincenzo is going to leave a void in my chest after it ends this week (still hasn't hit me tho) i am really going to miss these characters and this world thats gotten to be a comfort for me. i also have gotten to interact with so many people over this on tumblr and on twitter and clowning with everyone here has been the highlight of this year for me.

not to mention how ATTACHED i am to the characters, even the villains. hong cha-young is the love of my life, and ive actually fallen in love with her character and her development. she is so relatable to me and her stubborness, her self motivation and her bright attitude is SO REFRESHING. not to mention, the "side" characters who feel like main characters because they're written with so much depth. to write good main characters is one thing but to write a world where all the characters are interesting people who have different personalities and stories and threading that world together in a way where you are invested in all their stories is a skill of it's own. i also love my boy han seo so much, he's best boy and i feel so much for him. he's so bright despite the pain he's faced and it shows how with the right group of people and given love and forgiveness, even "villains" can change their direction in life. zumba snake choi is one of the BEST FEMALE VILLIANS EVER. i have never seen a female villain who is just pure evil lmao. like she's literally just awful and its so refreshing. she also doesn't have her arc attached to any male character (honestly id argue that she's the one who makes han seok even more evil) and she's just selfish, and evil for herself and her greed.

anyways, sorry that was kinda a tangent but im in the same boat, i have so much love for this show and the memory of these character, shows and mutuals ive gotten to interact and bond with will never be lost.

#mine #vincenzo #vincenzo cassano #chayenzo #hong cha young #song joong ki #tvn vincenzo #jeon yeo been #vincenzo x cha young #ask #jang han seok #jang han seo #choi myung hee #ok taecyeon #kwak dong yeon #kim yeo jin

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quirkless-and-proud · 3 years

Text

Vigilante Au

Mido finds aizawa in the middle of a fight in an alley and then there’s a gunshot and eraser is down and the villains escape,

when mido approaches him he assumes he’s another vigilante and cuts his hand on the approach, a sign from one vigilante to another that they are not pros, (willing to make one’s self vulnerable to gain trust from someone already hurt and bring yourself to that level)

when he gets close enough, he sees the goggles and realizes this is a pro, and before eraser passes out he grabs him by the arm and says he can’t be taken to a hospital - there is a mole in the police force

when eraser next wakes up he’s in an apartment, completely bare with dressings on his gunshot wound as well as the other damage he sustained

now that he’s more lucid, eraser realizes he’s hooked up to an iv and he can’t feel the gunshot as well as he’d be able to if he wasn’t on some sort of pain meds

conversation is stilted and mido asks what is going to happen next, since he won’t be on his feet for another 2 weeks without quirk healing

eraser asks about the bullet and the kid shrugs and says it’s not the first time he’s had to deal with one and as for the medical equipment, he has some friends who are willing to supply medium grade med supplies on the down low

eraser wants to ask where they are, where the kids parents are and a multitude of other things but realizes that he’s going to have to rely on this kid until he’s on his feet

over the course of those two weeks eraser notices two distinct things, one, that other vigilantes drop in with information, food, money, or a multitude of other things and receive medical care in return

and two, that children or other random adults with serious injuries turn up for medical care as well, the children usually crying and the adults not, they all wear the same shoes as mido tho, so he wonders how they’re all connected

essentially, the sludge villian incident was at the end of mido’s 2nd year of middle school and he was told off by all might, then over the summer he decided to become a vigilante, taking summer courses at a dojo that helped quirk less kids, his mom died at the beginning of the last year of middle school and between her life insurance and his dad’s payments for the apt, mido realized that he could keep the apt to himself so long as someone signed for him, so one of the vigilantes registered as his big brother and the two of them lived together until 2 months before eraser turned up because he died (way more emotional and spontaneous)

this was decided by a meeting of the vigilante “council” which is 15 different people who showed up at mido’s house after he took over for the brother that died before he met eraser it’s similar to pirates of the caribbean where it’s passed down verbally and with a token from the original 15

aizawa doesn’t want him putting himself in danger and mido flaps him off as best he can but also points out that he needs his help, he doesn’t have many choices and he is getting everyone personally

3 members of the council approach eraser w/out mido and tell eraser in no uncertain terms that if mido is hurt in any way he will be held personally responsible and that vigilantes rely on him for intel/analysis of villains and hero’s alike to avoid/help/capture and he has saved their lives both with the hospital and also with his mind. building up a network of safety took time and eraser has to realize how many lives he will put in danger if he tries to dismantle the network.

one of the 3 stays back and tells eraser she was mido’s brother’s first contact and longest friend, and that he asked her to watch after mido. she tells eraser she thinks mido could be a pro, that he might be the key to ending vigilantism but that he could revolutionize pro-hero work. the kid is wicked smart but she doesn’t want to see him become bitter and jaded.

this is something eraser has been thinking about non stop the whole time he’s been holed up here.

eraser asks her for a knife. it is the single request all vigilantes must obey, a sign of trust.

he cuts his palm and says he swears to try his best to take care of mido, as much as the boy will let him and that he will do everything in his power not to jeopardize or hurt him. “a vigilante adoption if you will”

and mido, this whole time. well. he’s still mido and there’s a lot of hero worship of eraser who fights essentially quirkless and has been respectful and kind to the quirkless kids and who has relied on and trusted him

and so 5 of the 15 vigilante council, including mido are to do a recon op of the police station and try to incriminate the mole based on plans eraser helped them lay out

it goes alright except mido breaks 2 ribs fighting someone and when he gets back eraser is able to stand and takes over his care as best he can and mido tells him he can go back to the police, the mole has been caught

eraser asks mido why he isn’t trying to become a pro

mido laughs and makes a broken noise and says a very reliable source told him he couldn’t be

and eraser says whoever it was was out of their goddamned mind, that they must have been blind and deaf to miss what was in front of their faces, he points out the illogic and that he fights quirkless and he points to everything mido had done in a little over a year, how fast and capable he is and the connections he has already and just, if eraser knew the kids from his classes would be half as good as mido eraser could retire because crime wouldn’t be a problem

and mido is crying and eraser asks him if he would go to ua, if he would let eraser work out a deal for him and recommend him

and mido says his money must go to the hospital, he can’t leave this place and he doesn’t have money to really go to school and his grades aren’t great (half on purpose lol)

and eraser says what he does with his money is his business as long as eraser can’t prove it and that getting a hero license would help him protect vigilantes and there would be some rules, like he wouldn’t be able to live on his own like this, but there are places eraser is willing to look away in the short term until they can figure out a real long term plan

and mido says he wouldn’t have anywhere to live that isn’t the hospital and eraser says kid if you think i’d do this for just a student, i mean i’d be a hell of a teacher but i’m only a decent one, that i already declared a vigilante adoption in front of that girl, unprompted, and that his husband and he had always considered fostering/adopting

and mido blurts out something that means he knows it’s present mic despite no formal paperwork saying that anywhere and eraser just fucking loses it and starts laughing like a madman because of course mido figured it out the kid is a genius

and yes, hizashi and i would fucking love you kid, like you deserve and you wouldn’t have to do all of this alone, and you wouldn’t have all this responsibility, you could give it to me and then, slowly as you become an adult we add it back without overwhelming you

and mido says to let him go to ground for 2 weeks - that eraser has to give him time to sort a few things out, largely to protect everyone at the hospital and get word out to the quirkless kids and eraser says okay

and in 2 weeks eraser has talked to nezu and they have a plan and a police deal and mido walks up to the gates of ua all by himself with a backpack that has notebooks and clothes but nothing else (he ran everyone to ground, moved the hospital and sorted out the money problem with that girl) and now he’s standing in front of eraserhead turning himself in

my name is midoriya izuku, you know me as mido and i am here to turn myself in

nezu regards him with a glint in his eyes and eraser just rolls his eyes and hugs the kid telling him he has done a good job and that he’ll take it from here

———

this is a really lost outline for a fic that i would love if someone else wrote lol

sorry about caps and stuff, this is really just for the notes section on my phone so hope you like it

#bnha #bnha fanfiction #bnha au #midoriya izuku #aizawa #shoto aizawa #aizawa x yamada #bakugo #all might #yagi toshinori #my hero academia #quirkless midoriya izuku #vigilante midoriya #vigilante au #bnha vigilantes

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ancienttragedies · 3 years

Note

Who are the most believable characters on Wentworth, to you? And most unbelievable? Taking into consideration acting, whether or not they’re compelling, how fleshy/real they feel to you?

This is a really good question!

(My answer was so Long I'm going to put this under a cut)

I think a lot of the characters are a bit too much too be compared to like real people if that makes sense? Like the show puts drama over realism, and I think a lot of the characters are exaggerated a lot. Not saying that its a bad thing, it makes it really fun to watch.

Erica was really realistic to me. I like her struggle between how she was raised and the life she wants to live. Her charm and manipulation seemed reasonable, and her writing was really good imo. The bdsm stuff might have been a bit much but other than that she seemed quite real.

Bea is a really life-like character in my opinion. I think that was the shows intention, to bring in a normal woman and show how one crime can spiral into many and destroy a life so quickly. Also her growth from her introduction to her death seemed really natural and unforced.

To me I think the most realistic character is Franky. The self sabotage and genuine desire for redemption was really good to watch, and though a prison break isn't exactly the most realistic thing in the world, I think other than that her story was really good and believable.

Allie was also really good from 4-7, she kind of went off the rails after that (Not that I don't still like her but its more dramatized than I think what a real person would do in that situation.) Seeing all her traumatic experiences build up and her finally getting revenge in the siege somewhat reminds me of Beas arc. Kate is a really good actress too. In 8 and 9 she was a little to much, with the waterboarding and the nitrous oxide, but from a narrative point of view it displayed her desperation really well.

Though I dislike Marie Winter I think Susie Porter is a really good actress, and she's a very compelling Villian. I would totally have loved her if she wasn't a pimp and didn't fuck Allie over. I like how she's driven by grief, and though she's smart she's too impulsive which leads to her demise. She's less horror movie Villian than Joan and more like a real world evil power hungry person. Her redemption is quite compelling to watch, it shows she's complex, but like we can still see she's never going to be 100% reformed. She can be a bit too insane at times (For example mother)

I think Pamela plays Joan really well, but she just doesn't seem like a real person who would exist. She's far too like sinister and needlessly violent, but her character is definitely very entertaining, just not very real.

Jess was a freak, I hated her. Like I think she was a little too insane, and the creepy exterior seemed really forced and over the top. She lacked any redeeming qualities.

Juice (and the rest of the boys) just seemed like a negative stereotype of butch lesbians. Again, no positive character traits other than I guess humor which made her quite one dimensional imo. She stereotypes that butch lesbians are sexual predators which I really disliked.

I could probably go on but I feel like this is already way too long. Thanks for the question tho I really liked writing this x

#ask #wentworth #This is so long sorry #but thank u sm x

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thatwitchrevan · 3 years

Text

I watched all the Marvel 'What If' episodes so far, here are some thoughts:

- Peggy is so hot as Captain Britain. Her and Steve are even cuter when she's a towering super soldier and he's her supportive bf. Steve's endless heart and optimism is always amazing but I also appreciated that moment of commiserating between him and Peggy acknowledging that she as a woman and he as a disabled man have both struggled with being ignored and belittled. Peggy overall was just awesome, loved her enthusiasm and joy and selfless courage. Bucky was fucking hilarious.

- Hank Pym murdering everyone was kinda weird but kinda cool? This episode was a bit weak but I did love Natasha and Fury's interactions and Loki's 'Trickster God. Hello!' moment. Also very funny how Tony just flopped over and died.

- T'Challa as Starlord is genius. He really went and made the whole galaxy better and everyone loves him for it... It's what he deserves! He forgave Yondu too easily tho, very fucked up to keep him from his family and culture like that. Gamora was amazing especially with that triple cross. T'Challa/Gamora is fucking cute too. The only thing i didn't like about this one is that Thanos was way too cheesy.

- I do not care about Stephen Strange. Watching him suffer in a time loop was kinda interesting though.

- Tony is blatantly bisexual. The moment he sees Erik he begins a prolonged gay crisis. Killmonger is the best as always but did he have to kill Rhodey AND T'Challa? And frankly if Marvel wasn't so racist and shit he would've actually become Prince of Wakanda and changed the world without killing his own family or at least would've made an impact instead of being villianized to this degree. Justice for Killmonger next time. Pepper has the only braincell in Stark Industries.

- marvel zombies was more fun than I thought. Making Peter the heart of the survivor team was the best decision. The whole team was awesome, especially Bucky and Hope. Vision and Wanda breaking my heart again. I'm gonna break Vision's head though for feeding T'Challa to his zombie wife. I can excuse kidnapping an entire town but I draw the line at cannibalizing the King of Wakanda. And! And! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE KILLING OKOYE. I AM COMING FOR YOUR HEAD MARVEL WHAT WAS THAT. Also the disrespect to Sam... Having him show up for two seconds to be bisected, I did not appreciate. Also I do not understand why the zombie apocalypse is happening during the Thanos apocalypse. Also also the way the zombie outbreak started made no fucking sense AND it didn't follow the series rule of the divergence hinging on one choice by one person.

Overall, these are pretty decent. They're funny and the animation mostly looks good, and I love aus. I feel like a lot of the prominent Black characters are still not getting much respect, though, and in a way it's worse than usual because so many characters are getting killed off. Rhodey, Sam, T'Challa, and Okoye each get killed off at least once and sometimes with much less dignity than the other characters and it just doesn't sit right with me.

I'm enjoying the humor and some of the good character moments (Okoye's running jokes about Americans are great and her screentime in general is awesome, and she plays off so many characters so well) but Marvel isn't magically putting out better and more thoughtful tv just because it's in an animated format and breaking continuity. They still have plotholes and they still don't respect many of their characters.

#griffin watches things #what if spoilers #marvel

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alexthedrummerboy · 3 years

Note

Historical AU

Superhero/ Villian AU

Movie/ Tv Show setting AU

oooo these are all so good omg

historical au

i've read a few good ones (specifically.......klaine ones.......but you would know about that jaz fjdkls) but they aren't my favourite genre especially when they dip too much into historical angst?? if that makes sense?? if they're done well and fun to read then they're golden tho!

superhero/villain au

I'm on the fence about this one!! i think i generally prefer superhero/civilian who finds out their identity rather than shipping them with the villain but i do love a superhero story!

movie/tv show setting

i wasn't entirely sure what this means so the way i'm taking it is like an AU based off another movie/tv show

we all know i'm a slut for an au :)

send me a trope to rate!

#britney plays games

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towerofgodscreamblogwink · 3 years

Text

me reading too many chapters at once so we got catboy, evankhell & the twink, people laying flat, carl, worms on string, shoes with drip, siu continues to be horny for khun and he even drawn him small fang in one panel i can’t

me: tries to take tog seriously

siu:

KARAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i mean kark

i mean carl

his shoes got style

did karaka just wowed

i was gonna say hey bam looks like a snack but mayhaps it is not the best timing

e v a n k h e l l

& t w i n k

i should do a breathy khun compilation one day, but also, rip khun

and now let the imagination fill the rest

SMH ALMOST FORGOT TO ADD THIS

o k a y s i u lets pretend you’re NOT horny

*nom*

bam: oops karaka i’ve ate the reader

khun:

khun: hi. this is me.

khun: you’re probably wondering how did i end up in such fucked up situation.

siu: man i wonder how much of a femboy i can make khun to be

also he even added the small fang i

w o w

khun: who khun me no no im no khun, seniorita, nono

man

how to not love khun

just my boy being happy

also big fights were happening so i wasn’t commenting much, and i’ll b prolly commenting less and less the more plot kicks in

when he’s a villian but a good father

“ah shit he transformed into fairy.”

reminds me of that one meme.. that i don’t remember well enough to quote

ooooooooooooooooooooh

WOAH???

oi i didn’t think rachel team was actually targeting him

khun calls michael lunatic tho

so are they *not* working with rachel? or for rachel? i mean i know they’re with fug now apperantly but

might need to reread

._. i was right at this panel when vocaloid from a song went “aaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaAAAH”

WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE

he lowkey looks like he’s dancin

it’s just a nice colour palette

... i thought these were worm strings

c-cat.

i love cats.

god.

i love cats

they fluff

uwu

i love nuzzling my head into cats fur

why all tog characters just lay down so awkwardly -

AWBHDGFDFGBDFGN

this hit feels

o-oh... yes i would like to see some cats, thank you...

*sobs* look at this fluffball ....

no offence do you know how hard is to maintain such long thick hair

#tower of god #tog #catboy #khun aguero agnes #bam #idk #cats #worm on strings #nesreads

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rachelbethhines · 4 years

Text

Tangled Salt Marathon - The Brothers Hook

It’s time to say goodbye to Hook Foot. He won’t be missed.

Summary: Rapunzel takes everyone to see Hook Hand in concert. However, this brings back bad memories in Hook Foot, as he was always overshadowed and looked down on by his elder brother. Hook Hand is revealed to be employed by the self-centered King Trevor who wants Hook Hand to play at the ceremony of the marriage between the Seal of Equis and his female mate. When Hook Foot sabotages his brother’s performance at the wedding he must face King Trevor in a dance off to save Hook hand’s career.

The Episode Placement Is Indeed Wrong

I talked about this last episode, but the ordering of episodes is confusing.

The Brother’s Hook does come after Rapunzel: Day One in terms of production order and is placed after it on the Disney Plus, but it supposedly aired before Rapunzel: Day One originally and the events make more sense in that aired order. As they’re traveling on foot here because they lost the caravan, and they’re all stressed out and fighting in the first scene of this episode. Also it world explain Hook Foot’s absence in Rapunzel Day One.

Yet why would they order things that way? Why hold off on resolving the Raps and Cass argument if you’re not going to even hint at it here? Why not place this earlier in the season so that you wouldn’t be dragging Hook Foot along in the Great Tree for no reason?

It just goes to show how rushed and poorly planned out season two actually was.

This is Another Pointless Parallel

So Hook Foot is suppose to represent Cassandra here and Hook Hand is supposed to be Rapunzel in this scenario but like that doesn’t work for several reasons.

For one, Rapunzel never discouraged Cassandra’s dreams. Cassandra herself just never opened up to tell her what those dreams were, and indeed even the audience don’t know what Cass’s dreams are now that she’s already achieved her goal of becoming a guard back in the first season. I don’t think even Cassandra knows what she wants.

Second, Rapunzel and Cassandra’s conflict isn’t actually about ‘dreams’, it’s about control. Each wants to control the other, to be in charge, because they think themselves always right. Both equate ‘being right’ and a lack of criticism as validation and to them, and this show in general, validation is equated with ‘love and compassion’ and is the ultimate end all and be all goal for everyone. Even though that’s not how validation works and a it’s a very unhealthy mindset to promote.

Third, no one owes you anything. Yeah, Hook Hand is a jerk here, but at the end of the day giving up on his dreams was Hook Foot’s choice. You are in charge of your own choices, and at some point you need to decide if you’re going to listen to rest of the world telling you no or have some self respect and do what you want because you want it. You don’t actually need anyone’s approval but your own. By making ‘validation’ the end all and be all of the narrative, it undermines characters agency and fails to teach people about self respect and accountability.

Same goes for Cassandra, even more so in fact. She needs to be the one to get off her ass and try for what she wants. No one is going to hand it to her and Raps doesn’t owe her a damn thing. Cassandra is the only thing getting the way of Cassandra because time and time again the series gives her chances that she refuses to take for ill defined reasons. There’s nothing at stake for her to lose if she just left.

Last off, no one learns anything from this. Cass gets nothing out of it despite being right there the whole time, and Rapunzel is too hypocritical and self centred to see that she is very bit the bully same as Hook Hand. Not because she crushes Cassandra’s dreams like the narrative wants you to think, but because she tries to insert herself and her views on to everyone.

Bullshit

Once again, may I remind you that there is over twenty villians in this show and only four of them get redemptions. Four! And one of those four was Eugene’s doing not Rapunzel’s.

The narrative does not support the ideas that it wants to push. If you want me to believe that Rapunzel does sincerely believe in second chances then you need to show her giving that chance to everybody equally. And no, not everyone has to take it, not everyone needs to be redeemed, but she needs to at least try. Especially if they’re a recurring baddie with a tragic backstory like Lady Caine’s.

Oh, and may I also remind you that currently a 15 year old orphan is rotting away in a jail cell because of the corrupt government and Rapunzel does not give a crap!

The Song Is Sounds Good But It Adds Nothing

It doesn’t add anything to the overall narrative and it fails to add anything to the episode itself because it gives us no new information.

This is extremely wasteful. Not only because Alan Menken and Glenn Slater are highly respected artists who are wasting their talents on crap like this, but also for pure budgetary reasons. Tangled has a limited budget for songs that is worked into the contract. Each season is suppose to get eight original songs and two reprises. (tho season three trades out one of those songs for an extra reprise)

In an arc heavy series like this, with such a limited number of songs to convey information, then you need to choose where those songs go wisely. The writers did not choose wisely in this instance.

Rapunzel You Are Not In A Position To Give Advice Here

This episode is foreshadowing for what season three would become. Which is a complete formula switch up that undermines the narrative’s goals.

This is suppose to be a coming of age tale. That’s in its mission statement. It’s what the writers supposedly wanted to achieve according to interviews and the very pilot episode itself.

That requires Rapunzel learning and growing. She can’t be in the mentor role. She can’t be the one to give out sage advice if she is the one who is meant to grow the most. She not there yet. She’s not experienced enough to fulfill that place in the narrative.

Season one may have been repetitive in it’s lessons but it at least tried to show Rapunzel owning up to mistakes and changing as a person, but here and in season three they toss that out the window and have Rapunzel teaching other people lessons instead. People who ultimately don’t matter to the overall narrative.

Instead of showing her growing as a person and coming to fit in that role over time due to experience, it has the opposite effect of showing Rapunzel as being patronizing, selfish, and unworthy to rule. Because she has no grounds for having an opinion, no basis for her advice to go off of, no experience to back up what she says, and zero claims for being in charge except for being born in a classist feudal system.

Had the narrative actually bothered to call out this instead of just having Cass pitch a hissy fit over nothing, then we could have gotten a really complex character and unique moral to the show, but that’s not what actually happens.

King Trevor Is the Saving Grace of This Episode

I don’t think the writers realize that Trevor isn’t the hateable douche that they believe him to be.

Oh sure he’s not nice, he’s essentially the equivalent of an annoying ‘I want to speak to the manager!’ type customer. But there is a huge, huge difference between being a Karen and being a fascist dictator. One’s irritating and the other is actively malicious and a danger to people's lives.

Frederic might be outwardly more pleasant but he’s still a person who abuses his power in order to harm poor people. Trevor is just a mother-of-bridezilla here and a perfectionist. Like big deal.

And to be honest Rapunzel isn’t that much better.

Like you are a bully Raps. You’re every bit a pushy and demanding as Trevor is, particularly in season three.

While she’s not actively malicious like Frederic, she’s still a danger to people because she refuses to acknowledge that the power she wields has an impact on others lives and that that impact can indeed be negative.

There’s something called the banality of evil. That being simply mean to others isn’t how true evil spreads. It’s people refusing to challenge the system, and if you are a part of that system then you are a part of the evil it spreads no matter how nice you are outwardly.

Rapunzel and the show at large, does not understand the difference between being nice and being kind. It introduces the concept of flawed government and systems but then does nothing to actually challenge it. It forgoes the actual work it takes to make change happen by focusing on easy outs and proformative progressivism.

Trevor does more than either Frederic or Rapunzel here with this one line alone than they do in three full seasons.

Eugene did indeed commit a violent crime, no matter how much the show tried to present such a crime as ‘funny’. Trevor is in his legal rights to prosecute the person who tried to kidnap his child/pet and assaulted his personage.

Yet he’s actually granting mercy here. More than that, he’s inviting them to his child’s/pet’s wedding. He’s offering friendship when he could have had them killed. Because Tevor, for all his faults, recognizes the power the that he wields and then makes the conscious decision not to abuse that power.

Moreover over he acknowledges the difference between what is a personal offense and not a an attack on his kingdom as a whole. What Eugene and Frederic did could have been considered an act of war and Trevor never even considered that an option.

It’s sign of bad writing when the person we’re supposed to consider a jerk and a recurring antagonist is more compassionate than the main heroine herself. Even as he jeers and makes an arse of himself.

This is the Point Where Rapunzel’s Characterization Buckles and Breaks

At first glance this seems like growth. She’s now assertive and taking charge, and Hook Hand did indeed had this coming, but in context of the greater narrative and how Rapunzel’s character develops past this episode, this is the point where the wheels start to come off.

Rapunzel is a hypocrite. We’ve established this as a fundamental part of her characterization back in season one and it’s the driving force behind all of the main conflicts with her in the first two seasons. But before now, her hypocrisy at least had consequences. It caused enough problems that if you were paying attention you could see it for the flaw that it was.

But here her hypocrisy is presented as being right. She looks over Hook Hand even as she tells him not to look down on others. She dictates to him how his relationship with his own brother should go, when she has zero context for said relationship. She’s heard only one side of the story and only a piece of it. She doesn’t know what actually went down between them while they were growing up nor does she honestly care why Hook Hand does what he does. Even as she asks him why.

Yet she is rewarded for this behavior. She’s never called out as wrong. The narrative bends over backwards to accommodate her and reinforces her views. Without direct consequences a character’s flaws are rendered meaningless, and so the character will only frustrate the audience rather than endear themselves to us.

That is the opposite of what you want to achieve in a story. You want to the audience to like you’re main characters, or at least find them entertaining in their awfulness. Making them right all of the time, even when they’re wrong sabotages this goal.

Trevor’s Still the Better Person Here

Like it may not have been Hook Hands fault, but at the end of the day he did screw up at his job and a paying customer has the right to be upset and refuse to work with you again or even demand their money back. That’s what being self-employed means. It’s part of the risk you take as being a contractor.

Trevor’s not being unreasonable here just because he raised his voice and wants Hook Hand to leave the wedding premises. Yeah the insults are uncalled for, I’ll give you, but remember that Frederic locked a tailor in a stockade for accidently ripping a robe; that he has the ability to fix if he wasn’t locked up.

And he resolves conflicts and personal insults with a dance off!

What happened when someone called Frederic out for being a poor leader and endangering lives, oh yeah they wound up in jail!

Also This Episode’s Big Climax is a Fucking Dance Off

Out of all the low stakes conflicts in this show this is the lowest.

And it’s coming right off The Great Tree and the big Cassandra vs Rapunzel fight. This shouldn’t be here. It’s throws off the pacing the tone.

Well I Guess Trevor Kept HIs Word, Which Is More Than What Frederic Would Do

Like Trevor is defeated and he does indeed complain about losing, but everyone is apparently free to leave afterwards and Hook Hand still has a career so I guess Trevor kept his side of the bargain. Even though he has no reason to and no one to hold him to account for it. He just has a code of honor I guess.

Meanwhile, Frederic throws a teenager in a dungeon after promising to help him and completely ignores his supposed friend Quirin being encased in amber.

So What Was the Point In Bringing Hook Foot Along Again?

What did Hook Foot add? What did he bring to the story that no other character out there could bring? What does writing him out of the story now achieve, and why couldn’t he have been left out of the narrative all together?

If your answer to all of those question is ‘Nothing!’, then congratulations you have more sense than the showrunners.

I have seen a few people get angry and suggest that Lance should have been the one to go because getting rid of Hook Foot meant getting rid of the shows main disabled rep, but that’s ignoring that getting rid of Lance would mean getting rid of the shows only real black representation as well. Because tokenism isn’t real representation.

Yet for all of how poorly handled Lance’s character was, he still has more reason to be there than Hook Foot. He has a unique connection to one of the main characters that, once introduced, would be hard to ignore. There’s nothing connecting Hook Foot to the plot or the main characters, and that’s why he shouldn’t have been in the show at all. Regardless of how much you may have liked him.

Destiny Isn’t a Goal!!!

How many times do I have to say this!?

A goal needs to be specific. It needs to have logical motivation behind it. It needs a clear obstacle to be overcome for the character to achieve it.

A vague ‘destiny’ has none of those things.

Conclusion

Meh. That’s the word that best describes this episode and the majority of season two. It’s not the worst thing ever if you just want to shut your brain off for 30 minutes, but it’s not actually good either, and if you stop to think about any of it for more than two seconds it falls apart.

#tangled #anti-tangled #hook foot #anti-rapunzel #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventure

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