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canmom · 1 month

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the Spirited Away theatrical adaptation

today I went with @birdfriender to see the stage production of Spirited Away, produced by Toho, currently on tour in London.

and like. holy shit??

you might say how the hell could you adapt a film like spirited away to stage. the answer is: incredibly inventive stagecraft, puppetry, costumes and especially choreography.

I was completely blown away by how this play flowed across the stage. set transitions were masked with lighting to direct attention, with the descending screen, with the rotating central platform that managed to function as nearly every part of the bathhouse. stairs, rotating bridges, creative use of size to indicate perspective (like the tiny train that circles the stage), and just the way the crew would move the props with a flourish -

but also the puppetry, like man! the way characters like Kamaji, Yubaba's giant head (used only at moments of intense emotion), and No Face would be operated by entire teams of puppeteers - it was extraordinary. the puppetry director was Toby Olié who's worked on a million different things including War Horse and you can really see them applying all these tricks accumulated over the years...

the show is remarkably faithful to the film; a few scenes are slightly abridged but every sequence I remembered was there and deliver with style. where it does need to pause and breathe, like in the famous train scene, it does. and like... it is fascinating to see an adaptation from animation to theatre. seeing how Mone Kamishiraishi (Chihiro) would stumble and bumb into walls just as she would under the pen of Shinya Ohira. or how a memorable sequence in the film could be represented symbolically: a collapsing pipe as a string of segments pulled on a string, a flower garden by dancers in flower outfits.

some of my fave sequences involved wooden panels carried by dancers, choreographed so the characters would weave between them, or they'd rotate to represent elevators on different floors. it was also fascinating to see how they'd symbolically represent things it would be impossible to stage, often representing fluids with fabric sheets. a transformation could be shown with actors swapping places with a flourish. at other times, it feels like stage magic tricks are in use, like a flash of light drawing your attention to a rope that was there all along. sometimes the puppeteers will be on stage, wearing simple beige outfits that mark them as not being 'present' as they manipulate the soot sprites and frogs and so on.

they also made effective, sparing use of a large projector screen, which descended at certain points, primarily for the driving scene at the beginning and the train scene. this actually didn't use scenes from the movie, but more of a soft, painterly style applied over... probably animated video? hard to say with the blurring, could be live footage. it reminded me of the use of similar screens in the later YoRHa plays, although it was a minor element here.

we weren't allowed to take photos (i took this one during the final bow anyway) and I would have been too busy watching to take them anyway, but this teaser shows briefly a number of the coolest setups. still, it's so much more when you see the whole thing flowing along without interruption.

youtube

and it was very interesting to me looking at this kind of show - big stage, directly homaging an animated film - from the eyes of someone who knows a lot more about film and animation than I do about theatre.

compared to film, you simply do not have closeups; the closest thing is when the puppeteers bring out the segments of Yubaba's giant floating head, but this is used sparingly. so everything is basically a long shot. however, because the acuity of a human eye is much greater than that of a camera, even from near the back of the theatre you can make out a lot of details that you wouldn't be able to make out with an equivalent camera shot. this allows compositions where there is loads going on at stage at once, with the eye being drawn to different areas by lighting and movement.

I do feel like there are definitely things to learn for animators from this kind of stage choreography. so many times I thought like, wow, that's so clever. like how chihiro riding haku was shown by splitting the dragon puppet into segments and putting her on the shoulders of one of the puppeteers.

and everything was done with such style too. if something shuffles off stage, you know it will be done with a wiggle and a flourish. small things but they add so much.

presumably because this seems like an incredibly involved show, there are multiple performers for each major character: four Chihiros, and three Hakus, Yubabas, Kamajis and so on. I'm not sure the exact lineup tonight beyond Chihiro. the exception is Kaonashi (No Face), who is played only by Hikaru Yamano, who gives an incredible performance, sidling and flexing around the stage in all sorts of strange ways that really get across the character's whole deal despite literally performing under a white mask and concealing robe. it's kinda amazing.

another fantastic casting is fundoshi dancer Yuya Igarashi as Kashira (the stack of three big heads that serve Yubaba, and speak only in wordless grunts). he basically has his real head as one of the three, and he has two more heads on his hands, and moves them around in incredibly energetic and funny ways. it's a brilliant way to interpret this, somehow feeling perfectly appropriate to have a buff guy in a red loincloth moving them around.

Yubaba's actress tonight would have been either Mari Natsuki or Hitomi Harukaze; either way she did an incredible job, it was really cool seeing a more human-proportioned version of the character and she brought a lot of energy and authority to the role.

the whole cast did a fucking amazing job honestly. I wish I knew more about theatre acting so I could comment more specifically on the tricks they were doing, but you definitely felt Chihiro's emotions

the production is in Japanese; English subtitles were shown on two screens on either side of the stage. the translation was on the 'honorifics included' end of that scale, but absolutely clear and idiomatic. the format worked - it was generally not hard to follow the action and glance at the subtitles, even though they were further away than they would be in film - and it definitely filled the theatre. I really hope this leads to more Japanese theatrical productions going on tour like this. wish i'd been able to see the Totoro one a few months ago.

definitely this kind of theatre must depend on a fairly obscene budget of the kind that only comes to biiiiig properties like, say, an adaptation of a beloved Studio Ghibli movie (one family turned up in cosplay) - there's a lot to be said for less extravagant staging. at the same time... this really was something.

i gotta go to the theatre more

#spirited away #studio ghibli #theatre #Youtube

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carmenized-onions · 16 days

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hi! this isn't related to chicago's kindest (which is amazing btw, can't wait to read ch. 6) but i saw that you're in film/tv and i'm wondering how that's going for you!! i've always been passionate about film but i'm not currently pursuing it in school, so i wanted to know what you're currently doing with that (if you're comfortable sharing) or if you can give any insight to people looking into going to school for that industry!!

Oh my lovely lovely summer child.

I'm gonna tell you a bunch of shit. And you're gonna do me a favour, you're gonna listen to none of it. You're going to completely ignore any advice anyone gives you, and you're gonna do what the fuck YOU wanna do. Not everything has panned out perfect for me, but I will never ever ever regret pursuing film, and I have every intention of coming back to it on an actual career stand point.

Right now, I'm not in film or tv (career wise. I stay fuckin' writing my scripts tho, it's vv important to do that on the side). Alas. Such is life. I do admin. Cute lil' desk job. I like it. The people are nice, as are the hours, as is the idea of consistent cash flow.

Film for a lot of people is either gig based or teetering on being laid off if you've got a permanent position or a union job that, if you're being honest with yourself, you are scared it's gonna become dead end. That's right out of school, at least. That's probably gonna be like, the first 5-10 years. I'm only on year 2. It's fucking hell. It goes by slow and you feel like everyone is succeeding more than you. I want you to know, they're not. You're not falling behind-- My mentor, a prolific director/writer (like worked with Netflix and shit) said so, so it's not just me saying so.

We're amid strikes and union busting and revolutions-- It's so complicated, rn. And honestly, I got my degree in the pandemic-- The entire industry is absolutely still feeling the effects of that. I'd also add here, while I think my information is vague enough to go for all of North America-- I am Canadian. So if you live in a major U.S city like Chicagooooo or New York or Los Angeles-- You're going to have a radically different experience than I am in Toronto.

If you feel comfy DMing me, we can chat more about your interests! I love film, I love to write-- I love to direct. That's what I did in school, and I'll be damned if I don't do that shit again. But those things do take time to be allowed to do professionally.

The best advice I can give you: When you're in school-- Socialize. Do your best on student films, because if you beef it it goes around FAST. I had a fantastic reputation in Film College ngl, and it served me extremely well. Keep up your connections.

Get a good consistent job that gives you a schedule you can work with, then work on your own film shit on the side. Get weird. Stay learning. I'm gonna start going to local improv because that's what all the writer's i've known do. And they have careers now. So. Yknow.

Things I wish I did different:

I fucking hate applying to festivals, but you have to do it, i'm so sorry.

Every. Summer. Apply for an internship. Any internship. Any film internship, rather.

You will be okay if you study a little bit less and spend time with your peers a little bit more. That didn't neccessarily impact where I am now-- But it's just something that looking back i'm like... I didn't need to take these notes... I shoulda went to that party my friends begged me to join.

And if you want bluntness? My classmates who took production management/producer courses? They're all the ones with consistent film jobs now. But like. Again. Do what the fuck YOU want. Don't follow the money, it won't end up feeding you.

This was a lot, but again, feel free to DM me if you want even more deranged ramblings. I'm happy to go into more personal detail-- It's honestly vv important that you go to a film school that's actually fuckin' WORTH SOMETHING-- Because a lot of them are snake oil. I love/hate my College tho. Love them because I learned more than I would anywhere else. Hate them because that was psychological torture everyday I think I had a panic attack like 3 times a week.

LOVE YOU HOPE THIS WAS USEFUL GOOD LUCK BABY!!!

#yapping #anon ask #talking about film for no reason #actively at work rn

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spacejammie-eimmajecaps · 2 years

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You gotta share your writing process, you get things out so quick, I have a hard time just with the first draft

I never leave my apartment and I write all day without eating or drinking or doing anything else, so that's how it goes so quick.

Haha jk (kind of). The only upside of chronic illness is lots of free time. That's probably why writing goes so fast for me. There's nothing else for me to do all day.

Uhhhhhhmmmm but on a serious note, do you want a long and detailed explanation? Let's go with that (idk how to he concise)

So, for a fic like the one I'm working on right now, my first step is to make an outline. Generally speaking, this can be as vague or detailed as you prefer. And there's a few different ways to do it.

Outline option 1: use a poster board (or just a sheet of paper) and make a bunch of bubbles, write the main goal of each chapter in the bubbles

(Visual aid :D)

Outline option 2: make a numerical list with what you want to happen in each chapter (just the "main thing" is fine, or you can add more detail. But leaving it vague makes it easier to adjust as needed when writing the first draft. Trying to follow the outline too closely can feel restrictive for me at times. Its good to have a plan, but it's also good to let the story flow naturally while drafting it. Don't be afraid to veer off course)

(Visual aid :D)

After the outline is done, it's time to move on to characterization! I will show two examples (one that is the template I now use, and one example from my 20k word outline I wrote last summer for a jurassic park au that I may never get around to writing, because its going to take a very long time to do it, maybe an entire year. And ugh to that.). Ideally, characterization should be done for each character, even the minor ones. Just helps visualize the world and all that.

(Here is the general template, I usually put name and age above appearance)

(Here is an example from my jurassic park au outline, though it's not quite consistent with how I do it now, and it needs to be revised anyway)

Once the characterization is done for each character, I like to break the outline down into bite-sized pieces. What I mean by that is I copy whatever I've written for each chapter and paste it into a word document. One chapter per document. I really candle handle having an entire work in one document—that overwhelms me (the only exception is when the work is just one chapter. One doc per chapter is how I like to write). If I break it into chapters, and just focus on one chapter at a time, it feels much more manageable. I keep all of the word docs open in one window, going in order. Make sure to put the chapter number and whatever you're referring to the fic as in the title.

(Visual aid :D)

Now, if you appreciate having visual aids and have an idea of what settings you'll be using, that will be the next step. You can draw the layout of buildings, you can make maps of a town, etc.

(Here are some examples from my current project. Please ignore my messy handwriting. I was planning in making it easier to read if I was going to share it, but oh well)

(Examples from past project)

(The draft world map for my jurassic park au. Some of my siblings were staying at my apartment when I was working on this last summer, and they gave me so much shit for it haha) (and yes this is a huge presentation board lmfao the folding cardboard kind)

Now, you may find that you don't know the setting that well yet before you start writing. And that's totally fine. If you are drafting and find you need a visual aid to keep track of the scene, you can always stop to make one at that time.

I'm losing track of stuff here, and I've got an appointment with my new cardiologist in 30 minutes, so I need to wrap this up.

Let's see.... make the outline, characterization, visual aids... ah, right!

Okay, so next you should make a playlist (that is, if you like to listen to music for inspiration in between or during your drafting process). For me, I like to find at least 10 songs to start with for a fic that's as long as the one I'm currently doing (35 chapters). But right now, my playlist is at 64 songs for this fic. Not all of them actually fit the vibe, so I'd say I am only listening to about 30 of them. (Generally speaking, I listen to songs while driving, or while cleaning etc. That's when I find it easiest to imagine scenes while listening to music).

Outline, characterization, visual aids, music.

At this point, the drafting process can begin! I find it's best to write as much as possible in one sitting and really go with the flow. And if possible, don't go back over the chapters you've already drafted unless you get completely stuck. (I do find that it's best to go back over them every 8-10 chapters, but that's only cause I have a bad memory. I need to remind myself of what I've already written).

If you get stuck while drafting, another thing you can do is leave your missing parts in brackets. For example:

[More dialogue here]

[Change X to Y]

[Somehow, they get from that place to this place]

Doing that let's you keep going with the flow of writing without stopping to worry about details. Something that's important to remember: the first draft should be vague and messy. It's just for getting the idea out.

If you're too caught up on the first draft being "readable" or "good", then it'll really slow you down. There may be awkward dialogue, almost no setting or body language, plot holes, etc. That's fine. You can fix all of that during later drafts.

If you want to know more about drafting, I can explain it in another ask. Just let me know.

After the first draft is done, there's a couple different options.

Option 1: finish each chapter one by one, posting each as you finish. This can be a bit easier (especially with adhd) because you get dopamine from any comments and you have that weight of the expectations of others to make you keep writing. For me, these are motivational factors. For others, it might be stressful.

Option 2: do an entire second draft (and third and even fourth), where you're adding more setting and details etc. Then start posting it when you're done. I'd prefer to do it this way, but it can be hard to do so much of a project without posting any of it. I do think that doing this helps catch plot holes though.

For each chapter, whether posting one at a time or finishing the whole fic first, I generally do first draft (very vague), second draft (add setting, details), third draft (more setting, body language, inner dialogue for the character etc), fourth draft (mainly focusing on dialogue to make it more natural).

Then, before posting each one, I try to read the dialogue out loud, and I also like to listen to the whole thing with text-to-speech while doing a final read through. This helps me catch minor mistakes (my brain fixes many typos automatically, so hearing everything out loud helps me catch what I would have otherwise missed. Also I tend to skim when reading, even when I'm trying to focus really hard. So listening to it while I read helps with that)

Shiiiiiiit I've only got 15 minutes until my appointment. Uh, sorry about any typos or things that don't make sense in this reply, there's no time to go back through it. Please feel free to ask for more details about any of the things I mentioned, or about anything I didn't mention that you're curious about.

#hope this helps!#writing advice

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tmnt-brave-new-world · 3 years

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Interaction guidelines- The Rules RPs are currently open, please read the rules before interacting

The Rules

- Please Read the rules before interacting

-This is an Ask and RP blog. Rps will be taken under consideration, on a case by case basis

- Absolutely No one under 18, preferably 21+. I’m not planning to censor anything on this blog. If you are not of age, do not follow or interact. You will be reported and blocked

- Patience is a virtue. The Mun works an incredibly difficult and stressful job, that, because it pays the bills, takes priority. This blog is a platform for fun and interaction but can’t take precedence over the real world. Sometimes I’m super busy and it could be awhile before I respond to a post, or an RP. If you aren’t capable of patience don’t interact.

- Please be respectful. The level of respect you show this blog and others is important to the Mun. if you aren’t capable of acting in a mature fashion, you will be blocked. BE NICE…

- Absolutely no popup RPs in ask, without having discussed or plotted a story with the Mun.

- If you would like to RP please dm me with a story idea.

- This is not a tcest site. I’m sorry I don’t know how to write tcest, and don’t have a desire to do so. I feel that I would not be a decent or supportive rp partner if I’m not able to give it my best, and thus do not wish to mistreat or neglect those in the community who enjoy this type of RP

- No randomly appearing in the lair without being invited. Donnie has gone above and beyond to give them safety in their sanctuary. If you weren’t invited, you are not welcome in their home, as is the case with any stranger.

On to the boys!

- The boys are 2014/2016 Bayverse turtles but are mature adult men. Human age wise they are around 50, but maturity and body wise, somewhere in their 30’s respectively. They do not age the same as humans due to the properties of mutagen and their turtle mutant base type

- This is an AU set several decades into the future- please read the prologue to help understand a little more about the world they live in

- They live in a skyrise, penthouse. With state of the art- Donnie certified level protections put into place. Nothing gets in or out, without his knowing. He does not take the safety of himself or his brothers lightly

- The Boys do not belong to anybody and will not belong to anybody. They are free to interact with whomever they would like, in any way that has been discussed and planned between the two muns.

- They don’t know your muse, nor have had any previous interactions with your muse, and thus are not in love with your muse, or have an established relationship with your muse.

- If you want their love and attention you will have to earn it, just like you would in any other type of interaction

- Absolutely no god-modding. Example: its your 3rd time to respond and you’re attempting to have Leo princess carry your character to bed. This is not a natural flow to the story, and not going to happen.

- The boys may like certain features, or admire certain characteristics, however they are open to all body types, shapes and beings, so long as they feel a connection.

A quick explanation as to what the boys do with their free time in a world that knows they exist.

Leo: “We each found our interests and talents opened up a several viable options that had lead us each to a “unique” position.” Leo led as he gathered his thoughts. “Keep in mind after we managed to stop Krang and those who worked closely with him, the world was vulnerable. As far as my brothers and I were concerned, we had fought too hard and for too long for someone to simply slip into the power vacuum we had created and to continue to harsh reality Krang had created for Earth’s inhabitants. Due to this we each chose to do what we knew how to do and could most easily adapt as challenges presented themselves.”

He paused for a moment as he thought about the hardships, they had each faced and managed to overcome as they slowly helped right the world and returned her to standing on her own. A shimmering blue jewel among the galaxy and other worlds that had become familiar with the planet and its amenities.

“During our years in the resistance we managed to acquire wealth and assets. We were able to accumulate quite the little nest egg using those. Along with our acquired influence it opened many a door which in the old world would have remained not only closed but permanently locked to us.”

“I became a strategic investor. Buying the remnants of properties, businesses and services and either helping them to return to what they once were or repurposing to better suit the needs of this new era and turn a profit. It proved to be very profitable and allowed for me to continue to churn out profits which allowed for me to seek other properties and businesses to invest in or connect the right individuals with each other in away that led to my ability to offer the initial capital for a small percentage of the quarterly earnings. It helped people to create jobs and led to a lot of normalcy for those who desperately needed.

One hand washes the other, and this in its essence has lead to my own sector of the Tartaruga brothers incorporated. I have a multi-billion dollar operation on Earth and several branches operating throughout the universe currently.”

Donnie: “As Leo has said,” Donnie commented calmy, “our time resisting and fighting lead us each to our own talents. I spent a lot of time wearing many hats, which included, chemists, doctor, surgeon, agronomist, engineer, electrician, etc. to put it simply I spent a lot of time learning how to save lives, human and otherwise, and the best way to stretch our available resources in a way which led to people surviving. I also had to learn how to create medications which were so commonplace that many died without having them available. Most antibiotics don’t have a very long shelf life and when those ran out initially, we were in constant jeopardy of losing lives to the simplest of bacterial infections. My knowledge, and subsequent research lead to significant improvements and branching into many other factors, and shall we say break throughs.

Needless to say, the value of others wants, lead to my ability to fund the needs of the many. In my sector, I have several leadings areas including pharmacy, medical research, agrarian development, as well as generalized research and development in multiple fields from domestic to military. For obvious reasons, more detailed information is strictly classified.”

Raph: Raph chuckled as Donnie glossed over his closely guarded research. He was willing to kill to protect his research and continue to control the aspects that allowed him to fund the bulk of his interests and common welfare of those he blanketed with his programs. “They ain’t lying. After the world came back from going to shit, it took awhile to get it back up and going. Additionally, there were a lot of people, generally those not from this world that were way too determined to make sure we failed. This led to a lot of infighting and groups struggling for control. That tends to lead to a lot of shady business if you know what I mean, and it wasn’t like we had any type of social services such as police, fire fighting, or anything else. I initially took charge in areas like these.

I took a lot of care to train groups so that they worked together and were prepared to handle whatever problems came. It took a lot of time to cultivate proper training programs and help prepare people on how to help a traumatized world get back to functioning in a healthy way. I still help do this on planets and areas that are in recovery.”

“That being said however, my primary interest and “job” if you want to call it that, is training mixed martial artist prize fighters for the world federation galaxy league. Simply put we aren’t the only species that likes to watch trained athletes test their skills against one another within their respective brackets, or on specially contracted prized fights. I used to fight for the league and earned a lot of titles and prestige. I won most fights and was often the favorite to win after a while. I’m semi-retired and only occasionally enter the ring now days. However, I take and train promising talents for the league and other groups. I have also trained personal bodyguards for a variety of individuals. Different specialties come with different specifics and contracts as well as costs. It takes a specific might set for each, and a lot of time to drill into a thick skull.”

Mikey: Mikey laughed at the turtle in red, “Oh yeah, and you were the king of thick skulled back when we were young, and dumb.” He barely dodged the throw pillow that was chucked at his head. “Let’s see for me personally,” Mikey flashed a big grin, “I happen to be a master of many trades. During our days in the resistance, I learned a lot of different tricks to help make the food rations we had on hand not only palatable but nutritionally sound while feeding a literal army of people! So when it was possible I spent a large amount of time learning how to take fancy old world recipes and revamped them with food sources that were still available or recreated them with off world goodies. I also still paint, and love to collaborate with others to create amazing new concepts!”

His face darkened for a moment as he thought back to the early days of the resistance. “There were so many people who in the blink of an eye had lost everything, and unfortunately it was insanely common to find kids who had either been separated from their families or were the only survivor. In a lot of instances they were traumatized and it took a lot of creative thinking to coax them out of their shells and help to reteach them on how to live. This happened fairly frequently with adults as well. Because of this and what seemed like a never ending shortage of textiles, I had to learn and create new ways to make things and often times help find things that brought the sparkle back to peoples eyes. Because of this however, I have a multimedia conglomerate that allows me to work in a wide area of creative outlets. The fashion world is a flippant mistress, but there are a lot of ways in which one can compete and stand out. It’s led to a lot of lucrative contracts with those who are “starving” for the next amazing piece of creatively, or at least that’s what they tell me. The great thing about taking high end contracts and commissions is that a lot like my brothers, the revenue lets me continue to reach out to others. I fund a program that includes shelters called “Uncle Mikey’s” for those who are missing, exploited, or just need help. I also teach cooking, and practical skills for those who need them, and they are streamed to community centers such as local libraries, after school programs, and the like, to try and continue to help those who never received a chance to learn to do things due to the world kind of going through an apocalypse level event.

#tmnt au brave new world #tmnt au the beginning #TMNT au blog #tmnt leonardo #tmnt raphael #tmnt donatello #tmnt michelangelo

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i-am-just-a-kiddo · 3 years

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Fic Writer Interview Meme

tagged by dear @vishcount 💕 am sending you a lot of love because you are doing amazing, even if it doesn’t feel like it. don’t be so harsh on yourself. and thank you for the tag, I did my best.

tagging @cortue, @intyalote, @the-cloud-whisperer, @not-saying-revolution-but and every writer that sees this and wants to do it!

I was rambling again so there’s the usual cut

name: here just kiddo please - iamjustakiddo on ao3

fandoms: just for shits and giggles am gonna try and list all the fandoms i’ve written for? roughly chronologically speaking, my first fic was for Kuroshitsuji and the we go to Harry Potter, SKAM, Narnia, Sherlock Holmes (unpublished), Peter Pan (unpublished) - I don’t write for any of these anymore? except for Narnia which I might return to when the mood hits. I’ve written a ton for BTS and The Untamed, and still wish to write more for Nirvana in Fire. I’ve also written for Winter Begonia, Hwarang and YYY: The Series. Current WIPs are Word Of Honor, The Sleuth of Ming Dynasty, Original Sin - none of those will probably see the light of day. I’ve also had thoughts of writing for Killer and Healer, Strangers from Hell and Avatar: The Last Airbender.

two-shot: hmm I guess my two oneshots for YYY could count as a two shot? am not sure, but I simply had different ideas and seperated them instead of writing one coherent oneshot.

most popular multi-chapter fic: my BTS Mafia AU Take Me Into Your Skin. I’m quite proud of this one because it was my first ever multichaptered story back when I wrote it in 2018 and it turned out to be over 160k words long, which is just wild? I guess I cringe at it a lot and I would change a lot about it now, but am still proud of it because I had a lot of fun and am still fond of the story. (Statistics - Subscriptions: 144 / Hits: 18319 / Kudos: 519 / Comment Threads: 83 / Bookmarks: 295)

actual worst part of writing: everything currently. I feel a little bit like an imposter doing these games right now, cause I haven’t written anything that I’m truly proud of recently (or like, this past year I guess). This slump is very hard to get out of. Under normal circumstances, the worst part of writing is when I know what I wanna write but it doesn’t come out? and when every sentence just sounds horrible and not at all how I imagined. Also the physical act of writing is difficult because I get tired so easily and when I don’t manage to get into hyperfocus and a nice flow, it’s just exhausting.

also coming up with summaries, fuck that.

how you choose your titles: i’m very basic and usually use some quotes or lyrics, but recently I’ve been trying to be more creative with my titles? I need to exercise that because I truly wanna learn how to come up with my own titles that sound nice. I suck at them so much

do you outline: absolutely. my memory sucks badly so I always try to keep an overview in my notebooks because I can’t trust my brain to remember all the important details I come up with. Working with notes is also so freeing because I’m free to do anything I want and don’t need to worry about actually writing it? I like having visuals for my stories so it feels like an anchor I can hold on to when I’m lost.

ideas you probably won’t get around to, but wouldn’t it be nice: oh boy this is difficult, because I don’t have specifics for any of these ideas and that’s why I never get around to do them? I guess bringing my Wen Kexing and Wang Zhi character studies into shape is the most doable project rn. I would also love to finish my Original Sin fic because I really want to write a proper case-fic with actual plot but am just so stuck on that and too stupid for my own criminal cases so currently I’ve put that on hold.

An idea that I’ve had for years now is a Sokka/Suki/Toph future fic? I would ignore what happens in LOK and for some reason I’m stuck on the thought that I want to explore this OT3? I want to explore how in their adult lives, they would fit together and especially how Toph could work as addition to the relationship Sokka und Suki have? I would love to explore the individual relationships they have with each other but I’m also very nervous about it because I’ve never written for ATLA and I don’t know if I can explore this properly.

another idea that’s been on my mind ever since Singularity dropped is a taegi Dorian Gray AU? I’ve already done a little bit of research about 19th century Korea and Korean portrait paintings because of course, I would wanna make it as historically accurate as I can manage but honestly, I feel this project is quite hopeless. I think I also have very conflicting ideas about how I should do this and if it’s even a good idea to realise.

Recently I’ve been thinking about writing a slow-burn enemies to lovers adventure story because I have Cravings. I don’t know if this would be an original project or some type of AU for some fandom, but I just really want to write about two people on opposite sides clashing together and having to work together, forming a reluctant bond and just. exploring the progress of that? Maybe there would be horses, probably historical, or maybe fantasy? I have no idea, I just wish I could write something like this some day.

callouts @ me: stop being pretentious. not everything needs to be existential dread. don’t project all your issues into every character you write. not every sentence you write needs to be a Masterpiece and sometimes less is more. bring more structure to your stories instead of just aimlessly drifting. learn grammar for god’s sake.

best writing traits: i have no idea sorry. maybe that I heavily rely on my empathy? but i truly do not know.

spicy tangential opinion: I don’t have any spicy opinions I think? Just do what you enjoy. Write what you want, you can worry about what to with it after. If you want to get rid of thoughts just do it. Don’t think about how it looks to other people, because unless you show it someone, it’s your art. It’s okay if it takes time, even if it’s frustrating. Pressure doesn’t help with creating art so maybe allow it to grow organically. is this spicy enough yet? don’t let people tell you you are less of a writer because you do things differently. there are methods, ideas, guides, advice - but there shouldn’t be rules to what makes you writer. everyone works differently. and to everyone who struggles - i know it sucks but as long as you find joy in writing, it’s not hopeless. sometimes things need a break or sometimes it needs a different shape and that’s okay ❤ did I reach the level of spiciness required here?

summing up, I just wanna send strength to all writers out there because oh boy do we need it! and sending a lot of gratitude to all the fic-writers out there that have made my nights and days more enjoyable by sharing their passion.

#thank you dear #i know we are both frustrated lately but we will get there #i believe in you #and i try to believe in myself too #it's fine #and doing things like these might be motivating?#or bring things into perspective #anyway #here i go #tag game #personal #writing

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harringtonstudios · 4 years

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vegas run. (I)

plot: it’s the annual las vegas run. let’s see what kinda trouble you get into this year!

A/N: this is an ongoing series! the first part is fairly long sorry. i currently have about 4k written so i’m excited for what’s to come. hope yall like <3 shoutout to ellie for letting me ramble abt this

masterlist!

Being invited to the annual Las Vegas run with the boys was something you had gotten used to. As Baze’s best friend from back home, you’d been to more events than you could even remember after he’d joined Machine Gun Kelly. It’d taken a couple years for them to blow up, but Baze would always ask you to fly out to Cleveland for the little things, release parties, New Years Eve, even Kells’ birthday once you’d gotten familiar with the other guys.

The Las Vegas tradition had started as an accident. You’d been with the band on their tour for a couple of cities, staying in the small tour bus that they were using this time around. It was kinda cramped with all the band, the constants slew of guests, and the little after-show parties every day. After the Vegas show, you guys had decided to party outside instead. There’d been an all-night rager in different casinos, clubs flashing their lights only to entice your friends in. Then, the bus had broken down, and it had started storming, and before you knew it, the next few shows were rescheduled, and you were stuck in Las Vegas.

It had been a week of straight craziness, constant drunkness, and chasing after Kells who had suddenly decided to mix alcohol and mushrooms. But it had been a great week, and you’d gotten closer to all the boys, learning more about them with every single incident gone wrong.

After that, Colson had decided to schedule a week-long break on those dates, marking it down as a tradition every year. He made sure you were always invited, and kept it as close to the people that were there the first time around as he could.

You’d forgotten about the Las Vegas run this year around. Things had been so hectic recently, with you opening up your own business and dealing with customers day in and out. At first, you’d started online with just a couple of orders, but after a mean deal done with one of the biggest designer companies, you’d landed your own well-deserved store with customers aplently.

The phone call came around 4pm, phone lighting up with the words Machine Gun Kelly. You hesitated for a second, wondering why he would be calling you on a random Thursday, but decided to pick up after looking around to make sure any customer was being attended to.

“Y/N!” Colson’s voice came through loud across your phone speakers.

“Hey man! What’s up, how have you been?” you questioned, pulling the phone back from your ear just a little.

“I’m good, just finished up the tour for this summer and we’re back in LA right now,” he answered, and you smiled, knowing all of this already since Baze had shown up to your store the day before with his lovely girlfriend, proud of everything you’d accomplished.

“I heard,” you started before he cut you off suddenly.

“Sorry, I know you’re working and all right now. I don’t wanna take up time, but I was hoping you’re still coming to the Vegas run?” he rambled out, and you rolled your lip into your mouth, suddenly remembering.

“Oh fuck, yeah it’s next week right?” you asked, fingers tapping on the desk as you already tried to come up with a way to get your assistant manager to cover the store for the week.

“Yeah. Baze was telling me you have the shop and all, but I wanted to ask you anyway. Wouldn’t be a Vegas run without you,” he murmured and you relished in the last few words before clearing your throat.

“I’ll try and work something out. Text me the details?” you spoke back, seeing your sales assistant walking towards you.

“Yeah of course,” he replied before you exchanged byes and shut off the phone.

It took a lot of bargaining, but soon you were clear for the next week. You had to come in on Saturday to finish up tasks and stay late a couple nights this week to sort out products, but other than that, your assistant manager was prepared to take over.

Taking a quick break for lunch, you stepped out, eager to soak in the sun as much as you could before staying in late tonight. Walking to the corner of the block, you decided to treat yourself with one of the special milkshakes from Luca’s Diner. It was a hotspot for the locals, sugary goodness & crunchy cereal sprinkled into every shake they made.

That’s when you spotted a familiar Aston Martin, violet purple standing out amongst the wave of other cars. Parked on the curb, the car seemed to be empty and you stepped into the diner, eager to find the owner.

The diner was flowing with people, chatter lighting up the air as you tried to spend a minute looking for Colson’s figure somewhere. Eventually giving up, you walked toward the counter, already smiling at the idea of having a sugar rush.

“Hi! Welcome to Luca’s. What can I get for you?” the cashier asked, fingers tapping away at the screen.

“Hey, can I get a Cinnamon Crunch Delight with extra whipped cream?” you answered, hands going into your pockets to pull out your card.

“And a basket of fries!” came a voice behind you, and suddenly there was a hand dropping around your shoulders.

You turned up to look at Colson standing there, grinning down at you as he said, “What Y/N? C’mon I’m paying.”

You smiled back at him, before gesturing to the cashier, who looked a little star-struck.

“Fries. Uhm, got it. Anything else?”

“I think we’re good,” he answered, moving his arm off you to grab his wallet. You sidestepped as he paid, waiting by the milkshake machine.

You hadn’t seen Colson in almost six months, both of you busy with different things. The last time you’d hung out was during his New Year’s Eve party and honestly, half of that night was its own blur.

“How’ve you been pretty lady?” he asked, walking over to you.

You looked up at him, taking in the drastically different look he was sporting. His hair was fluffier than you’d ever seen it, poofing up at the tops. As he tucked his wallet back in, you spotted the designs done on his nails & smiled a little.

“Busy! It feels like the phone never stops ringing,” you laughed out, fingers sliding on the counter.

For some reason, you felt the inkling of something fluttering in your stomach. You didn’t know what it was, but the concept of having a crush on your best friend’s brother figure didn’t sound good to you. So you willed yourself out of it before speaking again, “How bout you rockstar?”

“Can’t complain here,” he moved both his hands up, waving them around in jazz hands, “Touring just ended so I’m gonna probably go crash in bed for the next few days.”

“I caught your Miami show that day!” you exclaimed as his face suddenly became puzzled.

“You were in Miami and you didn’t tell us?” he asked, voice pitching higher as the question fell out of his mouth.

“No,” you laughed again, waving him off, “my assistant went and she eagerly sent me a few hundred videos of you guys doing your thing.”

He smiled at that, hand running through the messy hair before turning towards the counter, grabbing his fries. A second later, your milkshake came out and you picked it up, eyes catching the clock on the wall. You should’ve been back in the office a couple of minutes ago.

“Hey, do you wanna come around to the store? If you’re free that is,” you offered, as he walked ahead of you to a table.

“Oh dude yeah! That’d be dope, I wanna see your genius creations,” he gushed, plopping onto a seat.

You hesitated at the table before deciding it would just be easier to eat here anyway, less of a mess to clean up later. You knew that Sarah, your assistant, would be blowing up your phone soon, but you sat down anyway.

You’d missed him you realized suddenly as he rambled on about a tour story. One you’d probably end up hearing again from Baze anyway. It was weird, missing Colson when you guys weren’t that close anyways.

You’d been there for the big moments, but always as Baze’s friend first, and you wondered when that’d turned into being Colson’s friend too.

Flashing back to the last tour, you remembered sneaking out with Kells right before shows, getting high in bathrooms together, even making smoothies at 3am, waking up the rest of the guys as you blended away different mixtures. Maybe that’s when the scale had tipped, and why he seemed so at ease around you, legs stretched out, foot kicking against your ankles.

“Y/N, dude your phone!!” he emphasized, hand knocking at your arm as you clicked back into action.

“Oh shit,” you mumbled before picking it off the tabletop.

There were 2 missed calls and four very angry texts and you stood up, not wanting to lose the week off you had leveraged with Sarah. You were the manager, but she was much more organized and often kept you on track.

“That’s my assistant. C’mon we can finish your story at the store,” you uttered, grabbing your untouched milkshake as you left the crowded diner.

“Yo can I leave my car here?” he asked, stumbling behind you.

You nodded, knowing that his car wouldn’t get towed anytime soon as you sped past the few stores to get into your own.

He matched your pace, and soon you both were stepping in, his eyes lighting up at your outfits lining up the front.

“Woah,” he breathed out as you spotted Sarah in the office.

“Sorry, sorry I got caught up. What’s up?” you ran over to her, making sure to place your milkshake on the table away from your company computer.

“Finally! The fabric company’s on the line, something about the lace you ordered? I didn’t get what outfit they were talking about,” she uttered, handing over the phone as she moved out of the way.

“Oh fuck, the off-white one?” you asked as she nodded, and you groaned before picking up the phone.

“Hi Mr.Hand, So sorry to keep you waiting. What’s the situation looking like,” you started, grabbing your chair before you settled into your desk.

As the company started describing statistics, your eyes wandered, seeing Colson walk around the little store you had. He was peering at every outfit, the shirts put out, and you stopped yourself from grinning as he ran his hands over the chained pants you’d created this morning.

Within a second, Sarah was on him, and you stifled a laugh as she fell quiet, staring at him. He smiled, introducing himself with a handshake and you saw her physically shake off the nerves as she went on her sales pitch.

Within ten minutes, you’d fixed the issue, bringing up the idea of another distributor sneakily in order to sweeten the deal. Dropping the phone back, you pushed off your seat, picking up your shake.

Sipping at it, you groaned a little at the taste of it all, relieved that it was still good after waiting. Colson was sitting near the counters, swiveling around on the seats as Sarah fiddled behind it.

“Sorry bout that, things are kinda insane now,” you offered, walking up to where he was. He swirled around once more, before planting his feet, looking up at you.

“Nah, you’re all good. This is really fucking cool,” he praised and you smiled at his words, trying not to revel in them too much.

“I see you’ve met Sarah,” you motioned and she looked up awkwardly, giving you eyes before smiling at him.

“Yeah, hope Y/N hasn’t been driving you too crazy,” he said, knowing that you guys had just opened.

“Other than not letting us come in hungover, she’s been good,” Sarah scoffed, regret immediately flowing on her face as she caught your eye.

You laughed, letting her know that it was okay and she eased up a little as Colson continued, “Hungover? I’ve seen her much worse, believe me, the rule’s kept for a good reason.”

You shoved his shoulder and he moved a little, chair still swiveling around. Getting up, he moved back over to the pants you’d laid out this morning and Sarah took the opportunity to lean over, whispering, “Machine Gun Kelly just comes waltzing into our store?”

You scrunched up your face before whispering back, “Yeah total accident. I didn’t even know he was in the area.”

You both looked over at him as he picked up the pants, viewing them closer before he moved over to the full-length mirror standing in the side of the store.

“I can take things over for tonight, you know? Like if you wanna go hang with him?” Sarah offered, taking in the way your gaze lingered on him for a half a second more.

“No, it’s okay. I already have you working all day next week. I don’t wanna add more into it,” you murmured, watching Colson pose, hands gripping onto the pants out of the corner of your eye.

“Oh shut up Y/N. You’re still young, go enjoy your 20s bitch,” Sarah uttered back, trying not to laugh at the way your eyes widened.

“You sure?” you asked, trying not to let the happiness take over your face.

“Yeah. I mean it, go hang,” she smiled, and you grabbed her face, smacking a kiss on her cheek.

“I owe you everything,”’ you whispered and she blushed it off, clearing her throat as Colson walked back over.

“I kinda wanna buy these,” he said, holding the chained pants up, and you raised an eyebrow.

Within minutes, Sarah had completed the purchase and eagerly hinted at you being free until you had thrown a look, begging her to stop.

“So I’m guessing you’re free for the rest of the day?” he had asked, laughing as you rolled your eyes.

“I guess I am. You got anything in mind?” you mumbled, packing in your purse.

“You wanna come over? I know the guys been missing you,” he said, and you licked your lips, deciding to test the waters.

“Just the guys? I thought I was special Colson,” you mockingly stated, hand clutching at your heart.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve missed you too loser,” he spoke, and you grinned as he led the way out back to his car.

Walking into the house, you were immediately hit with the smell of something baking. You couldn’t quite place it but as Colson closed the door behind him, he mumbled out, “Dub’s making baked mac,” with such a fondness in his tone that you laughed.

It took five minutes, and then you were grilling up turkey burgers with Rook, laughing as Slim offered you another shot of Patron. It felt oddly like coming home, and you soaked it in, knowing that your own house was empty and cold.

Baze was gone when you got there, and you chalked it up to the fact that he wanted to spend time with his girl. Another girl wandered around the house, easily slipping into the chaos and you felt the nerves start to build back up. Colson tracked you watching her and then he swooped in right behind you again as you flipped over a patty.

“That’s Olivia, my assistant,” he murmured into your ear, and you brushed him away, feeling way too close.

“Who said I was asking hotshot,” you whipped out at him, as he leaned against the countertop, red Solo cup in hand.

“Saw you looking,” he replied, taking a sip, smirk showing in his eyes.

“Oh yeah? What else was I looking at,” you asked, voice tilting up at him.

“That’s for me to know,” he murmured, and you scoffed as he stuck his tongue out at you, lips still wet from the drink.

Then, Baze strolled into the house, Ellie right behind him and you dropped the spatula, running over to give them both bear hugs. You could hear Colson’s laugh echoing behind you.

After dinner, you attempted to head out before realizing your car was still at work. It was a dumb move on your part and you wondered if it was worth an Uber ride or if you should just ask one of the guys to drop you off.

“Whatcha thinkin?” Rook shouted, scrolling on his phone as the music blasted through the speakers.

“If I should order an Uber!” you shouted back, cupping your hands around your mouth to get the words across. He didn’t seem to hear you, shaking his head and you sighed it off, pulling out your phone to download the app.

A second later, Kells showed up, pulling your phone out of your hands, going, “I’ll drive you back.”

You throw him a little glare, but soften up as he hands you back your phone. Following him back into his Aston, you smiled up at him grateful for the ride. Next week was going to be a mess.

taglist: @iamdorka @no-shxt-sherl @bakerkells @findingmyths @rosegoldrichie @mayaslifeinabox @itjustkindahappenedreally @hnbtx @backoftheroomandnotbelonging @nowhereiswhereibelong

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humanemotionssuck · 3 years

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Hello 2021

January 2, 2021

I should’ve put these thoughts into words on the first day of the year but then again, I felt so lazy given this bed weather we are currently having. By far, I think I experienced the coldest temperature here in my hometown (21 degrees baby) and I’m sure not liking it as I prefer warm days.

I actually do not know how to start. I feel it’s necessary to check on how I am doing lately. Write the things I experienced last year and reflect on the lessons it taught me.

I could probably kick things off by remembering how 2020 started for me. I have a bad memory but I’ll try my best to recall them.

January

Broke up with J (yes this is probably one of the major and heartbreaking events happened to me). To sum it up, I realized that the relationship does not have growth anymore, and I am slowly drifting to follow my own path, which is to focus on the plans I want. I haven’t thought deeply the lessons I learned in my past relationship yet but one thing is for sure, I changed and I want to explore more of what I can do or what I’m missing out in life. Which brings me to attend seminars on how to work/study abroad. I attended a couple (e.g Fortrust Makati) and I also realized how costly it will be and I’m probably not yet ready esp. on the financial aspect.

February – March

Highlight on these months was I got back to dating apps again. I know it was a complete dick move. I haven’t moved on yet and here I am in the pool again. I met 2 guys from this app, Coffee Meets Bagel (which btw I uninstalled few months after). The first guy was the introvert but funny type and also VERY sexual. I got along with it, tried to do the deed but failed cause the guy hasn’t moved on from the ex yet. (Sucks right). And so I met this second guy and he is decent but we really had completely different personality. I believe this guy is also rich (he came from a Chinese family and I went to his house and saw the maid and his stuff). Can you also believe he already introduced me to his mom (no dad cause broken family), uncle and grandma. Pressured si ate gurl syempre cause it was really too early to do that step since we’re just dating but March was the most difficult month because…

START OF LOCKDOWN. PH was in state of panic after the government announced a nationwide lockdown due to increased COVID-19 transmission. I immediately went on a bus to the province fearing to get stuck in Manila.

April

Nah this was just a typical month. Summer vibes all over but since we cannot go to the beach we just setup an inflatable pool in the house to get soaked. I finally posted a pic wearing a swimsuit again. My stagnant IG feed came to life lmao

May

Oh boy. This month sucks so much. I got typhoid fever. Which I thought was COVID already cause my fever just won’t stop. My mom didn’t want me to get admitted in the hospital in the fear of being infected so I was hooked in the IV here in the house. I felt I was dying. I was in huge pain both physically and mentally. Which forced me to end any communication means with the second guy. He was not there when I was sick. I didn’t feel his concern even if we’re miles apart and I felt I was begging for his attention. It just won’t work. He blocked me in his socials (which is a first for me, usually I am the one who blocks lol) but given the current state I have now, I learned to accept it and chose to move forward.

June

Explored options on work/study program abroad. We got a new car (Xpander) which my father was able to purchase after borrowing money from us. That money could’ve been used for my Japan trip on December (plot twist it was cancelled due to fucking corona) but it’s okay I guess I’ll save another again.

I also got my student permit (yes I learned how to drive months after hehe)

July

THIS WAS MY BIGGEST DOWNFALL FOR THIS YEAR. There were some modifications in the quarantine and so my employer required and FORCED us to report on site in Makati despite of high number of positive cases. All I can say is SCREW THEM and I hope karma will do its thing on their business. The management.. the bosses.. they are all inconsiderate fucks for not allowing me to work at home instead. The situation forced me to resign but they chose to terminate me instead. The unemployment took its toll on my mental health, it caused me great depression and anxiety which forced me to look for distractions.. anything that will ease my mind.

Oh and btw, I bought my first laptop from hard earned money. Oh boy, it was satisfying to give myself the things my parents couldn’t afford that time I was still in school. It’s a gaming laptop and the one I’m using to type now. I absolutely love it and I used it to find online jobs later on..

I read Looking for Alaska by John Green again after watching the TV series on Hulu. Geez, this has to be my favorite book so far. The seeking of great perhaps.. which was very timely on my mood while having nothing else to do.

Lastly, TAYLOR SWIFT RELEASED A NEW ALBUM CALLED FOLKLORE. In the middle pandemic? Awesome right and this album kept me sane during this crazy and miserable month. Oh and on December, she released folklore’s sister album.. Evermore. Miss Swift saved me again with her music. This will definitely be one of the albums I will play when I’m old and gray knitting sweaters and wearing cardigan.

August

I started and finished my driving lesson in manual. JFC, I realized driving gives me a huge anxiety. One thing is for sure, I will prefer to drive automatic. Not driving that shit again.

I was still hooked with Looking for Alaska. Also purchased Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck on the time I bought LFA.

On the other hand, I was also actively looking for new jobs this time.

September

ON SEPT. 30 I GOT HIRED! I was super happy to start on a new job. It gave me hope once again to continue on this journey called life. After almost 3 months, we are def back to business!

I also got the chance to get this Thyroid issue checked. Unfortunately, there was no major stuff going on with my thyroid. Basically, I’m perfectly healthy. What sucks is that the doctor invalidated my previous condition and said I only have ~anxiety which is the cause of my symptoms (excessive sweating and palpitations). I will seek professional help on this anxiety stuff anytime in the future.

Lastly, I played Grand Chase again and met someone in the game. Well technically we haven’t met yet but since then, I got used to talking with this guy and he is part of my daily routine now. I won’t spoil much details but as soon as this is all over, I can’t wait to meet this person :)

*cue Grand Chase soundtrack*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VoK0bAjsHoo

October

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEE! It was a typical birthday. I don’t have much realizations. If I had one, I need to think thoroughly again lol.

Busy with training on the new job and this has been the most challenging training I ever had since I started working.

NOVEMBER

WORK WORK WORK. Super stressed and my anxiety was on the roof. I thought of giving up already but then again it was too early to quit. I haven’t seen my full potential on this job yet and so I chose to keep on fighting.

I also finally got braces. Let’s get these smiles fixed.

December

WORK WORK WORK AGAIN. My work caused me a huge anxiety cause I was given high priority cases -.-But overall, I can say the holidays went great. I finally got to spend time with the family outside. Don’t worry cause we still practiced precautions and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to go out once in a while to have some fresh air. We went to the beach and pretty much that’s the highlight of this month.

Things are getting serious with this guy I’m talking about.. Seriously, he makes me happy every single day.

I also won in Christmas raffle. Oppo phone. (I have the odds in my favor when it comes to raffles lol)

Feels weird to celebrate this holiday too thinking a lot of hardships were experienced in the last few months of quarantine. I was thinking about all the lives lost by covid and hoping they are in the peaceful place now..

JANUARY (NOW)

After everything that happened, oddly the start of the year gives me a sense of hope. Sure I am still carrying the trauma 2020 gave me but I am slowly leaving all of them behind. I want a fresh start and I want to let go of the things that gave me pain. I don’t have solid resolutions just like in my teenage years. Guess I’m too old for that. Not saying it’s okay to not have plans for the future and just go with the flow but I promise to not be too hard on myself and to not pressure myself on the goals I haven’t achieved yet. It’s really a struggle to plan things ahead given the situation but as always, I will do my best. I will stop comparing my progress to somebody else’s cause everyone has their own timeline.

I will listen to my heart and my mind to determine the things I really want. I promise to reevaluate the decisions I am making each day. I will not be afraid of making mistakes because that’s how I learn.

I am embracing my anxiety of uncertainty. It’s okay to feel afraid because I am always trying on how to overcome my fear. I strive each day because I am more than just a ball of anxiety. The palpitations.. the sweating.. they don’t define me. I have the power to control them and they won’t stop me from being the better version of myself.

#quaranthings #just quarantine thoughts #2020 #bye2020 #new year

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pavcrti · 4 years

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chicago’s very own pavarti kumari has been spotted on madison avenue driving a rose gold model x , welcome ! your resemblance to mishti rahman is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty fifth birthday bash . your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re fiery , but being eloquent might help you . i think being a pieces explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be fresh fields of lavender that expand into a cotton candy sky , the reflection of the sun caught in the glimmer of a crystal , rhyming couplets professing deep - seeded emotion . ( i ghost write songs for artists who like to claim they write their own work . ) & ( cis female + she / her ) + ( emily , 25 , sher / her , pst )

holy shit , it’s ya girl . i’m back after needing a bit of a break from being in a group . and bc i honestly adored this place sm and i made so many great friends here i am back . . . 👀 i expect plots with each and every one of u btw so u best deliver . i desperately wanna get this finished before i pass the fuck out . i’ll be joining the server in the morning , but in the meantime if u wanna be my friend 👀 👀 titsiana praises satan#7989

biography .

name : pavarti kumari

age : twenty five

gender : cisfemale

zodiac : pieces

sexuality : bisexual

profession : singer / songwriter

hair color : black

eye color : brown

piercings : both lobes , nose

tattoos : none

voice claim : jhene aiko

released albums : sail out ( ep ) , trip

miss pavarti was born in bangladesh . her parents are both 100% bangladeshi and immigrated to chicago when pavarti was four years old . she had an older brother who was five years older than her . his name was siva .her family traveled back every summer so she is very immersed in the culture of her homeland and is a very spiritual person as a result . from a young age , pavarti had a fascination with the english language . not only was it so complex , but there was so much that could be done with it as well . she loved poetry and different types of prose . she also developed an absolute adoration for hip hop as a result . she’s been able to work several of her lyrical inspirations in her albums , something she would’ve never anticipated growing up as an immigrant child . when she entered middle school , she joined the school choir as an extra curricular activity which is what inspired her love for music and introduced her to her vocal talents . within time , she began combining her inclination for poetry with her voice . she wrote her first song at thirteen and began to freestyle for her friends . unfortunately , she was never taken too seriously by her peers . she was a female , hardly the usual suspect for the rnb , soul vibe that her voice conveys . before she graduated high school , her brother siva was killed in a car crash . the unexpected death of her best friend and protector sent pavarti into a spiral . this begun her tendency to alter her reality to escape from her pain with the help of drugs . she frequently writes about her brother in her music . when she was eighteen , she was discovered , ironically , by a manager of a local rapper at a poetry slam she was performing at . she impressed him and he introduced her to his client . this is how pavarti entered the hip hop scene , albeit , in secret . in hip hop , it’s very custom for performers to write the tracks that they put out themselves . pavarti learned that she could learn the skills of the trade whilst making her own connections and making pretty good cash , as well . as the years progressed , the notoriety of her clients rose . she’s written bars for multiple big names and by harvesting these friendships , she was able to get signed to a record label and put out her first ep at age twenty one . it was well received by critics and pavarti was thrilled to be taken seriously as an artist doing what she loves . she kept working , kept her nose in her business and released her first full album , trip , just last year . she feels like she is constantly growing artistically and finds herself inspired everywhere she turns . she’s currently working on her second full album and just dropped a new single , p*$$y fairy . other than that , there’s not too much else to note in her history . she did not grow up rich , rather she’s only recently come into wealth . her money is very new and she’s not too skilled at spending it wisely .

personality .

okay , so this will probably just be a long winded explanation that no one really asked for / needed but here we go ! first and foremost . . . pavarti is a dreamer in every sense of the word . she’s whimsical , she’s connected to the earth around her . she drifts off into elaborate day dreams and tells herself stories in her head as she falls to sleep . she is very spiritual . she meditates twice a day . her house always smells of incense . she has an affinity for weed and hallucinogenics . she really enjoys writing under the influence . her album trip is literally inspired by several drug experiences she had that had a profound impact in her life . pavarti’s general demeanor is borderline wall - flower . you wouldn’t expect her to be so shy , but she is . she’s the giggly girl who’ll hang back and let someone else come to her first . in the meantime , she’s taking in every single detail . she’s incredibly observant . sometimes she thinks in poetry . she realizes that she isn’t the typical visual for a female hip hop , rnb artist but it’s truly her passion in life and her art flows through her . she says more in her songs than she does to the people she needs to and that can definitely be problematic . with that said , pavarti is very well spoken . girl knows how to sweet talk her way through just about anything . but she also has the temper of a devil . she does not tolerate being fucked around with . she has that attitude about her where she will go and key your car if you hurt her or one of her best friends . people typically wouldn’t expect such an explosion from someone so outwardly sanguine and easy going but she’s the type to scratch someone’s eyes out if she has to . her music is her spouse . this fucks her up relationship wise a lot because she tends to let chances pass her by because she would rather stay undistracted . she has an ego , but not really in the outward way that one would anticipate when ego is involved . she knows she’s talented . she knows she’s attractive . but she also knows that she’s fucking lucky to be where she is and she’s grateful . pavarti is the type who wakes up with a smile because she has another twenty four hours to be alive . she doesn’t take things for granted --- she used to , until she lost her older brother and she realized just how quickly things can change . pavarti is a fiercely loyal individual to her friends . she will stand up for them , no matter what . the thing is , she expects it back . she is very much aware of her self worth and does not react kindly to a one sided vibe .

plots .

ok , ok , ok . . . so how i am going to do this is offer up some songs / song pairings for songs that i believe pavarti has written for specific people with certain plots in mind for at least her side of things . and then i will also list some basic plots that aren’t based on anything in particular , but are still plots that i would like very much to have ! the links go to lyrics ! all plots are gender neutral , so ignore any pronouns that are in the songs .

bed peace / stay ready / while we’re young --- fwbs with feelings : pavarti and your muse have been friends for a while . somewhere along the line things crossed the line and they began hooking up . it’s obvious that they feel something intense for each other but something is always in the way of them being together --- plus , neither are really sure if the friendship could withstand a romantic relationship crashing and burning . so here they are , stuck in this awkward limbo . they hook up , hang out , awkwardly third wheel when the other is dating someone else . it’s an interesting dynamic and pavarti wouldn’t deal with drama with anyone else but your muse . they have a really compelling bond and neither can think of life without the other but things have been like this for a long time and there is only so long a relationship as complicated as this one could actually function .

the worst / comfort inn ending / moments / when we love --- exes that ended badly with lingering feelings : this was . . . just a crazy hot and cold relationship . when it was hot , it was fucking hot . when it was cold ? damn . hell itself could freeze over . they probably have done and said a lot of nasty , nasty shit to each other . at the same time , they could’ve been literally planning their wedding at some point because they both were incredibly serious about each other . in comfort inn ending , pavarti suggests their relationship was a result of her cheating on another boyfriend to be with your muse and your muse ultimately cheated on her as well . we can discuss that but i would high key kill for the extra drama . around the time pavarti was writing her first full album , they had a rekindling that inspired her to write moments and when we love . i don’t envision this relationship having ended in a decent way from there , though . more cheating ? fighting ? they were definitely toxic . she’s definitely planning on dragging their ass some more in her tracks .

lsd / sativa --- platonic soulmates : omg so this plot is . . . so fucking cute . but these two would basically die for each other . there is zero sexual attraction , just genuine , pure love . they do everything together . but what really sealed their bond ? well . . . many different intense acid trips , of course ! they love to get high together and forget about the world . they both feel like they can trust the other because they have been present for so many life - changing moments . they rarely go a day without seeing each other and absolutely never go a day without talking in some capacity . sometimes they fight like siblings . but pavarti would honestly kill for your muse . there is nothing she wouldn’t do for them .

new balance / newer balance / you are here / clear my mind --- the romantic bad influence : this plot is another messy piece of trash . from the beginning , when they first met , pavarti always thought your muse was too good to be true . they reminded her so much of her brother . she felt this sense of peace with your muse . she fell in love quickly but at the same time , felt like there was something looming over their relationship . like it wasn’t permanent . like it’s all just a dream . the bad influence part isn’t portrayed too much in the lyrics other than stressing pavarti’s fear that your muse isn’t exactly who they say they are and this relationship is doomed to fail somehow . she knows that when this explodes in her face that it’s going to destroy her . i see your muse bringing out edgier sides of pavarti’s personality . they party a lot , they influence pavarti to do crazy things with them and she does and she feels so alive with your muse . that is , until , it all crumbles . the facade is destroyed and whatever it was that your muse wasn’t being upfront about shatters the way she feels for your muse entirely . she feels betrayed . clear my mind is pavarti’s way of trying to hype herself up to be stronger than she really is .

never call me / --- best friends turned enemies : this is my last long one i promise , wtf , why did i decide to do this . anyways --- this plot is again , a shit ton of angst so enjoy that . your muse and pavarti used to be the best of friends . inseparable . that is until things went south . fast . we can discuss what it was that happened between our muses but it was something huge and preferably something where they both could stubbornly blame each other . pavarti feels slighted because she thinks that your muse should be the one who reaches out and perhaps your muses could be thinking the same about her .

romantic plots : crushes , unrequited love , hateship , party hookup , friends with benefits , secret fling , summer romance

platonic plots : give me close friends ! and tons of them please ! thanks . roommates , drug buddies , confidants , unlikely friendship , travel friends , only friends in the dms , enemies turned friend

#wealthyhq:intro #tw death #tw drugs #um um this got so fucking lONG i prOFUSELY APOLOGIZE #i need 2 pass tf out now baiiiiiiiii

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bakusoftie · 5 years

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I was just listening to creepypasta and got an idea. Could you do hcs for Bakugo and Kirishima’s reactions to seeing a scary fucking demon/ghost or whatever while they’re hanging out with their crush in some creepy place? Or really, just any situation where they’re hanging with their crush and some scary paranormal shit starts happening. I’m in a big mood for some horror. This would make my LIFE thank you 🙌🏻

I’m such a huge horror fan so this made me uwu so hard (also i hope you don’t mind but I made separate scenarios for them but if you wanted poly I could do that 🥺👉👈)

Warnings: Gory Descriptions!!! + Ouija Boards + Kaminari being a dumbass

Kiricutie + Bakubabe experiencing some scary shit with their s/o

🦈 kiricutie 🦈

It was all Denki’s fault

That living enbodiment of a phone charger was the one who dared the entirety of the bakusquad to go to this “haunted” house

Bakugou, of course, said he had better things to do but,,,

Kirishima (being the manliest man he is) just had to be there to protect his s/o from all the bad spirits and creatures of the night

But the thing is- Kirishima is fucking terrified.

You, on the other hand, are so excited maybe a bit nervous and he wants to be one to protect you and be your man

Kaminari, Mina and Sero get too far ahead of themselves and rush off into different parts of the attraction so it's just you and the sharp-toothed cutie,,,all alone,,,in a dark, supposedly haunted house. Oof.

At first,It isn’t as bad as Kirishima thought. Plus, he gets to spend time with you and whenever you’d hear a scream you would unconsciously brush your hand against his and suddenly he doesn’t even realize that he was anxious in the first place. That is until you get to this bloody door that explicitly says ‘Do Not Enter’.

“Oh well, I guess we’ll just have to move on then, s/o”

Being the dumbass you are,,,You grabbed Kirishima’s hand and busted through the door (all that you could think of was ‘I need to see some ghost cheeks 👻’)

The room was dark and had a overwhelming stench to it. So, you ran your hand over the wall to find a light switch

all the while, kiri is begging that you two meet up with everyone else but 👏them👏ghost👏 cheeks👏

when you did find the strangely wet lightswitch, you turned it on to discover the fresh blood dripping down your hands and wondering why kirishima was so silent, you turned around.

He was in some state of shock, his once bright and tanned skin is now a sickly pale. He moves in front of you when you tried to follow his eyesight, desperately trying to protect you from the horrendous sight but you managed to take a look from over his shoulder

The entire room had dark crimson sludge splattered on the walls and the ground they currently stood on.

But that wasn’t even the worst of it.

It was the various amounts of flesh and guts scattered over a steel, rusted autopsy table where a body laid still as a rock. The body was mutilated and had several markings on it

The two of you weren't sure if it was real or just very detailed decorations but you both shared a look that told each other that they needed to leave and get help.

You moved quickly through the house to find your friends, still joining hands with Kirishima.

When you found Kaminari, Mina and Sero roasting a Pennywise cosplayer, you and Eijirou let out a breath of relief and pleaded them to come with you so you could show them the fucking mess y'all witnessed but when you got to the cursed hallway that you swore had a row of doors along it-

The door was fucking gone?!?

Everyone except you and Eijirou, who were both shocked and sick to their stomachs, was laughing and playing it off as a joke but

Whatever the fuck you both experienced together sure as hell bonded you for life.

💥bakubaby💥

Bakugou doesn't scare easy. This bitch used to watch horror movies when he was 3 years old and had hardcore death metal as his lullaby.

He a tough boi

But when it comes to you, he's so fucking soft and full of warmth 🥰

He fucking loves you even tho you can be kinda stupid sometimes all the time

Like right now, You and Bakubae were at a party that Hagakure was throwing and normally Bakugou would be like ‘fuck no I rather stick a cactus up my ass than hang out with a bunch of extras’ but when you looked so sad that he didn’t want to come with you and said ‘oh,,,that’s fine I guess,,,I’ll just ask Todoroki to come with me’

YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS BITCH DID NOT HESITATE TO LET YOU KNOW YOUR ASS IS HIS

and vice versa (“that bakubooty is MINE NOW,THOTS” - S/O declares from the roof of U.A)

The party was lame and the only thing interesting so far was seeing Iida get drunk and dance to Old Time Road.

Until you ask Momo to whip out an Ouija board from her titties.

Now, Bakugou doesn't really believe in ghosts or shit like that but for some reason, he just has this weird feeling about all of this

But he doesn't want to be seen as a weakling because of a stupid board with the alphabet on it.

You call over Deku and Icy-hot to join you in conjuring some motherfucking ghOSTs

You deadass had to pick all the people he absolutely hates, didn’t you?

Anyway, Bakugou couldn’t let these weak extras show him up so he grabs the planchette and asks you how the fuck this shitty toy works.

when you put your hand on his, he uwus so hard omg

but then dEKU and pRinCe zUkO had to ruin everything by putting their hands on the piece of wood too.

bruh shouto better watch tf out because if he sees y’alls pinkies brush against each other one more fucking time he’s going to go FERAL

The shitty wood chip started to pull their hands toward the ‘HELLO’ side of the board and bakugou went *surprised pikachu face*

HE WASNT SCARED HES JUST TAKEN ABACK FUCKING STUPID DEKU I BET HIS WEAK ASS MOVED IT

“Now we’re supposed to ask it questions.”

”U-um are you here to hurt us?”

”SHUT IT ICYHOT AND STUPID DEKU!,,,I got shit to ask this little dead bitch!!”

Bakudumbass, you should never insult a spirit wtf.

After his rude remark, the candles that you had lit around the four of you suddenly went out. I mean it wasn’t a big deal because shouto could easily light them back up but it definitely shook the lot of you to your core.

When the candles were relit, you couldn’t but help to notice that Izuku was missing from the circle

Oh shit

Bakugou thinks that this is all some stupid fucking scheme to get back at him and he swears when he finds Deku, he will break his bones worse than one for all ever could.

But he shuts that thought down the moment that he senses the burning feeling of eyes staring right into his soul. He looks behind him at the dark shadowy figure that seems to be using the freckled, green-haired hero as it's vessel.

Izuku’s once emerald-green eyes are now a shade of glowing crimson and his once warm, friendly smile now a gruesomely wide smirk as his body now dangles from the air.

Ŷ̵̝̌̂o̴̳͖̼̐͜͝u̷̧̠͙̫̭͖͍͋̍͠ ̵͉̮̲̌̓ň̶͔͊̎͘͝͝ĕ̸̬̜͔̑e̶̤̞̹̜̮̗͂̈́͂͜d̷̡̨̙͎̩̭̭̱̜̟̎̒ ̴̧̬̯̠̼͈̹̽̋͒t̵͓̖͙͍̯̜̣̲̅̀o̸̪͈͓̤͍̖̘͔͎͓͋̂̑ ̴̢̢͙̙͎̠̘̳̳̄̈̉̋ͅl̶̗̭̮͑̃̃͌é̷̜͓̫͚́̐͗̅̃̑á̶̜̲̪̟͙͕͍̹̀̓͋͆͐̉̔ř̴͓͈̥̜̜͆̌̑̓̊͝͠ṋ̷̜͍̲̈͘ ̸̞̘̱̥̞̬̣̫̾h̵͎̻͔̼̻̜̓́͋͘͘o̵̳̭̬͙̠̹̪͇̮͊̈̏̊̕͜w̷̭̟͙̱͔͕̃͋̈́̇̕̚͘͘ ̵̦͎̳͋̀͝͝t̵̢̨̗͖͖͇̺͔͖̾̄͌͗̓̾̀ö̴̲́̀ ̸͇͔̱̟̹̫͓̙̀̏̐̌̆͛̋͑͊ṯ̴̡̭͕̮̯̭̘̌̇̽̉͂̾̓̚͜r̷̪͙͎̱̩͚̻͛̾̓̉̉̓̐̿̀͘ȩ̴̧̣͈͚̗͓̯͚͂̀̈̽̚a̷̛̛̠͙̬͖̾͂t̶̡́̕ ̴̨̡̠̰̮͕͍̘̩͎͌ò̸͖̈̏͜t̶͎̼̑͒̿̔̓̈̕͝͠h̷̨͎̲͔̭̖̗̼̘̅̂͂͗͐̍è̷̝̥̠̬̮͈̮̟̔r̸͍͔̳͕̼͛s̷̨̫̼̙̠͉͓̰̽̊̊̔̀͊̃ ̷̛̰̞̳̖̻͕͕̘̝̹̀̎̕k̷͍̳̥̊̋̂̎͒͑̉̽̈́͌ͅḯ̴̩̹̥̤͉̭̘ņ̸̟͎͕̜̞̥̩̬̝͑̋̊̈́̑̏̀̆͐͘ď̸̜̬͇̙̫͉̬̔̏̀̓͊͋l̸̺̲̤̦̼̓̐̀͒̆ẏ̸̖̟͕̣͔̦̳͜,̶̥͇̝͙͔͎̬͌͐̌” ̵̡̻̺̟̻͓͊B̶͖͇̣̲̙͛̊̆̃͑̈́̾̃̕a̶̧͂̍̐̌ķ̶̨̬͇͙̦͓̝̰̩͗͐̿̈͊̏̀̏̕u̴̢̨͕͍͆̆́̏̓͒̉̂̇͝ģ̷̗̱̟̼͉̱̣̐̌̉̒̓́͆͑͒͠ô̵̡͚̻̬̓͒̀͋̔u̵̡̗̻̝̙̓̿͒͆͐̕͝ͅ ̷͖͖̥̭̳͈̑͐̎̐͒K̴̡̡̯͖̹͍̺̟͉̰̆a̴̡̠̘̫̰̖͚͈̲͘t̷͎͈͉͓̩̋̽̿͌ş̷̙͔͎̰̪̜̫̾̌͜͝u̷͉̝̠͚̣͖̿̈́̀͂k̸̜͎̍͠i̴̬̯͇̻̼̹̦̱̋́”

(”you need to learn how to treat others kindly, bakugou katsuki”)

Bakugou is ready for this weird ass shadow man to attack him, he’s got his palms already sparking for the opportunity to blow his ass away back to whatever hell it came from

That doesn’t exactly go as planned

The monster doesn’t come at him but instead, he uses his black matter tendrils to pin you and shouto to the floor as the vine-like shadows slither around your body and constricts your lungs from breathing properly.

It isn’t long until you and todoroki pass out from the lack of air flow and

Bakugou goes into a rage as he sees your unmoving body displayed across the floor as he was too slow to protect you from this fate

The monster discards Deku’s body across the room like a ragdoll and slides its venom-looking ass next to Bakugou’s face and as soon as his crimson eyes meet then eyeless sockets of complete void, Katsuki’s head is smashed into the floorboard as the demonic energy escapes through the window to wreak havoc on the world.

Kaminari decides to check up on the four that ventured off by themselves and when he enter the room and saw them all laying on the floor huddled together, surrounded by candles all he could think to say was...

”🥺 they didn't invite me to the orgy”

#bakugou x reader #kirishima eijiro x reader #kirishima x reader #bakugou #bakugou katsuki #bnha #bnha x reader #horror #mha #boko no hero academia #bnha imagines #bakugokatsuki

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hobohumanitarian6 · 4 years

Text

This is a long post so please be warned!!! I need to get some things off my chest....

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING POSSIBLE⚠️

Feedback to this post is open-ended. You cannot offend me and will not be blocked.

⭐ So here's the thing: one of my late grandmother's friends just posted that her 29 year old son died in his sleep with seemingly no explanation. This really shook me I guess. For one, I used to hang out with this kid during the summers a lot. My specific memories are very vague, but deep in my consciousness I know that I have called him friend in the past. For another, many things lately have been prompting me to ask the difficult questions ie

Why in the fuck am I here?

What's the meaning of it all?

When is my life going to get better?

How do I prepare myself for better things?

Am I blocking me or is something else blocking me?

What am I doing wrong that the universe doesn't think I'm ready for a new chapter?

Am I really with the right person?

What about the afterlife?

Am I going to be silenced or speak out?

What if I can't do some of things I want/dreamed of?

What is going to satisfy me if my future doesn't go as planned?

⭐ I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching through all of this, established the framework of the person I want to be and

BAM! 🧱 💥 🏃🏻‍♀️

Straight into a fucking. Brick. Wall.

⭐ I am in one of the worst continental states in the US (by even statistic) and before all of the shutdown and pandemic began, I had plans to be relocated with my new job, a place to call home & reunited with family by June 1st. Clearly that didn't happen....

⭐ I am spending $900 a month for a 250 ft² motel room just so I am not out on the streets.

Homelessness. Can we talk about that for a second? People getting arrested for being out past curfew because they don't have a place to go, put in jail because they're in the way, not tested or treated for the virus because they generally have no insurance, giving people loads of food stamps so the emergency assistance funding is broke-

600 dollars of groceries is a lot if you have a fridge, freezer, microwave, oven, toaster, etc not if you have to buy your food from overpriced convenience stores and gas stations and fresh food from grocery stores that 70% of the price is for the packaging it comes with!!

Soup kitchens closing because they don't want to risk contamination. Who's feeding those without a hot meal? Do they realize malnourishment is the quickest way to get sick with any pathogen!?

Shelters closed because of overpopulation. Domestic violence homes turning battered women and children away because there's too scarce of resources and funding. Yet people care about big corporations going bankrupt? Please tell me what the difference is between a goddamn human fucking life and a couple lawsuits because you didn't know how to prepare for an ever-changing economy.

Thank the universe i am sheltered with minimal resources to take care of myself and I have a steady job due to an enormous company's "chance on a down-in-the-dumps contractor." This job I have held steadily for a year despite chronic health issues has been the best thing to happen to me by far in a long time. I am definitely not by any means complaining about my job or that I even have life necessities right now. Several million don't have that.

⭐ The problem with this state is there are no resources for a person who's struggling to make an honest living. I lost my apartment two years ago because I had to take a medical leave of absence at my job then, got behind on rent and was evicted without a chance to catch up. The power was cut three nights before I had to leave, and I owe a deposit on the electric company to get any type of service back in my name. The realty company who owns the apartment complex will not allow a payment plan without a fraction of the principle paid down, so therefore I cannot apply for private or realty housing and I have been on the waiting list for federal housing assistance for 3 years without a single word. I also had my bank card stolen with my ID when I was trying to catch a bus to work a few weeks after that so whoever it was made small purchases that my bank applied interest and late charges to so that is also standing in debt. Thank universe my current employer allows direct deposit to a savings account at a bad credit institution or I'd be royally fucked.

⭐ Before I made the hard decision to doll out almost a G a month just for a room, I tried sleeping in my pickup. I even took the effort to pallet it for a platform bed & make benches to live in free campgrounds, cemeteries, truck stops, boonie dead ends, and behind abandoned buildings. I had a 12V converter that I connected to a rice cooker and made a tin can stove to grill small portions of meat on a single-egg mini skillet. I kept getting chased off by rangers, cops, annoying people trying to do crack and not get their lives better, and eventually violently detained for "suspicious activity" - I was thrown on the ground, put in handcuffs, patted down by a male officer with no female present, searched my vehicle without consent & written a citation: this was 2 am, I had a campsite reservation, I was clearly sleeping & my vehicle was current. The officers did not give me their name or numbers so I could not make a report.

⭐ I have chronic health issues - hip dysplasia & hyper mobility (not severe enough to be EDS), anemia, rexhia (NOT PRO ANYTHING), pre diabetes, H.S, BPD, PTSD, endometriosis & chronic migraines. I have filed time and time and time again for medical assistance but have always been denied. Every time I try to see a doctor, they claim I have this-or-that infection caused by this-or-that disorder, sent to an overpriced pharmacy with illness-irritating antibiotics that just keep me in an unending cycle of flares and barely-managable pain. Do not let anyone privileged or wealthy confuse you - you are not treated the same if you don't have coverage. Sorry to say but it is indeed a fact.

⭐ With this job I work 40-50 hours a week, eat as healthy as I can on a dime sized budget, and cover all my expenses. Yet I cannot move forward in this state on to better things. I want so badly to have a family, to go to college, etc but I cannot do this with living month to month someplace that isn't even my own.

⭐ The emotional affect this has had on me is tremendous. I am embarrassed of my situation, and never allow any guests in fear they'd judge me. I never take any photographs, which is heartbreaking because it has been one of my long-time hobbies. I am extremely guarded and I lie about small details to protect myself. I have severe trust issues and I always hold a dagger at my waist because I have to assume any minute you'll pull out a Glock.

⭐ Naturally I am an empath and this has brought me more compassion and understanding than I ever thought possible. The police brutality against people of color and racism in socio-economic programs truly breaks my heart because as a white female and all the struggles and discrimination I've endured, I can only begin to understand it's 1000x harder for people of color especially. I stand behind your protests 100%. I beseech you, go fight for what you deserve! I will be begging higher powers for your protection indefinitely!

⭐ I have gained a new perspective on non-profit organizations and volunteer work. Some are truly amazing and their stories move people to tears; others are truly wicked stealing from the poor, embezzling cash flow for their own vanities. Please please please research the charity you are interested in thoroughly before getting involved. Volunteer work will always be appreciated- and will teach you many invaluable lessons. If you help these organizations and need help yourself: respect yourself, hold yourself high, and ask for the assistance. They will generally be more inclined to help. If you are turned away, try not to be bitter. Administrators only do as they see fit.

⭐ That's another thing - bitterness. This has been the most vile and roughest character default I've ever had to battle with myself. When you've been through the shit and you can't see the sewer (sts) it's so easy to stay in the dumps. It's so easy to feel entitled because you've clawed your way to the top. It's easy to feel angry with everyone because it's you vs the system. It's so fucking easy to give up completely and stop trying and just lay down and die. It's easy to step in front of a two ton bus, oncoming freight train, taking the entire package of extra strength Excedrin not because you have a migraine, but just not to feel a thing, go completely numb for one single second. It's easy to go down to the head shop and get a nickel bag of weed to chill and get a 5$ pizza and forget you have responsibilities.

IT'S SO FUCKING TOUGH MAN

⭐ Growing up strictly religious, I tend to shy away from Christianity or other "preachy religion" now. I hate having Jesus shoved down my throat at a service before a hot meal on a Tuesday night and the "speaker" automatically assuming I need to stop smoking crack and going to jail and get my life back on track and God will bless me when I'm in the 46% who has never been to county and hold a job while trying to get back on my feet.

ADDICTION IS NOT POVERTY GUYS

I still support people who go to church and speak in tongues if that satisfies them. I still support people who are strictly vegetarian and make a pilgrimage to the mecca if that satisfies them. I still support people who have 7 two week long feasts a year for something that happened 4000 years ago if that satisfies them. I still support people who believe in baptisms for the dead and not drinking coffee if that satisfies them. I still support people who call Jesus the Nazarene and believe that Lucifer the Dark Lord will prevail if that satisfies them. I still support people who call down the power of the moon into their plant babies and give thanks to the triple goddess if that satisfies them. I support religion or practices of all kinds.

I believe I was meant to be tolerant and be good to others. That this life will give back what you put in. That there is a higher power that governs all and it is up to you to determine just what that is to you. Not to tell people what is wrong with their lives just based on your personal story.

⭐ During this pandemic, I have done a lot of soul searching. Journaling, listening to podcasts, listening to seminars on values I'd never know existed, trying to discover who I am. This journey has included empathy training, reiki, yoga, somatic movement, feldenkrais methods, and astral meditation. I just have a list of these questions I'd like answered or given suggestions to:

What do you believe is the meaning of life? Is there any philosophers, speakers, teachers, theologians, writers, musicians etc that can help answer this?

What is your definition of religion in it's rawest form?

Do you know of any resources I may not have thought of?

Is there any criticism you can give good or bad?

Am I focused on one thing and neglecting another?

Do you have any further opinions on the topics listed above?

Do you have a suggestion of the next right step?

Do you have ideas on how I can help with the aforementioned problems?

How do I stop feeling like I'm wasting my time?

How do I find contentment in everything should I die tomorrow?

What is your opinion of the afterlife?

How do you find happiness in the midst of bullshit?

What did a friend/relative/mentor tell you when you were going through an existential crisis?

Have you felt trapped too? Due to the covid or otherwise?

Any curse words, songs, books, movies, etc of use?

🌸🌸I sincerely appreciate any feedback 🌸🌸

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aeliem · 4 years

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My AUs and shit

Since I can’t find neither the time or motivation to draw characters from my AUs, I will describe them right now so I don’t forget. Of course I will draw references and post more detailed descriptions of what is gonna happen in those AUs but not right now because I’m tired as fuck.

When I started this blog, I wanted to make some Undertale content and it’s still what I wanna do but in the end I did one thing Undertale related and that’s not really how I whant things to go. In this post, I will describes my AUs and the timeline/stories that I’ve made with already existing AUs. If you don’t get what I’m saying don’t worry it doesn’t really matter bc I’m probably gonna make something more detailed later. Also if I speak in broken english it’s normal because I’m french and I started writing this at 1 in the morning or somethin. Also the stories aren’t in a specific order at least for most of them I just write them as I remember them. There’s some plot twist that I don’t really wanna talk about here so it’s why some things will be resumed or voluntarely ovelooked. Also, the stuff in brackets is the tag that I use for stuff about timelines with super long names (like for example you write fnaf not Five Nights At Freddy’s). More under the cut because oh boy it’s gonna be long.

Killertale After The Fall (KtATF) Linked to the multiverse Killertale (by @rahafwabas) Timeline This timeline covers what happens in between the moment when Chara leave Sans and Nightmare comes to recruit him. This will be one of my first comics since it is simple (or at least I hope it will be) and it will also train myself to draw the Undertale characters. Don’t expect anything rendered correctly in this one. It will also help me seeing how much time I take to draw pages of a comic.

Killertale For Creator’s Sake (KtFCS) Linked to the multiverse Killertale (by @rahafwabas ) Timeline This timeline is pretty much the same than the one up but it ends up differently and leads to more multiverse shit.

Watchertale Happening in the multiverse Group of characters This is a groupe of 4 characters in charge of protecting the multiverse. They’re named after shapes that are related to their powers. Circ (Circle), Sans, he/him, has a heavy sense of duty and is frienemies with Arr (friends until she screws up really badly or do some stupid pranks that end up in catastrophy), is at least as arrogant as Crow exept that he’s stonger than him thanks to his Sans powers. Arr (Arrow), Undyne, genderfluid (currently she/her), doesn’t take anything seriously and never gets angry about anything, likes to tease Circ even though sometimes he takes it too seriously, doesn’t really take the time to fix her mistakes because it doesn’t matter anyway. Crow (Crown), Asgore, he/him, arrogant and eager for knowlege, takes his position very seriously, thinks he’s better than the others because he’s the king of monsters, calls everyone by their shape instead of their names (but still insist that people call him Crow), too curious for his own good, hates Circ because he’s always saying that he’s better than him because he’s a Sans. Flow (Flower), Papyrus, they/them, are calm and often seem emotionless, realise that their job is inportant to the multiverse and the consequences that an interferance might have, do what their boss tells them to do without asking questions (most of the time).

Sentrytale Linked to the multiverse Undertale Timeline that happens to know the multiverse exists Because of Flow (see above), this timeline is aware that the multiverse exist and that it is highly dangerous because people like Nightmare can just come in a timeline and kill everyone so they are protecting the universe with the help of the group from Watchertale. They are managing the MultiNet and made it better for asking questions and detecting potentially dangerous Sanses. They also raised awareness in a lot of other timelines thanks to a show hosted by Mettaton presenting several Alternative Universes to other AUs through the MultiNet. Toriel is still in the Ruins and has no clue what is happening Frisk doesn’t exist Flowey works with Alphys and everyone knows he’s Asriel Sans also works with Alphys and everyone knows that he used to be Alphys’ lab assistant Undyne is the captain of the Royal Guard Papyrus is the sub-captain of the Royal Guard and is less innocent than classic Papyrus Alphys is moderating the MultiNet and categorizes AUs and timelines Mettaton is hosting a show presenting different AUs and timelines and got even more popular, also no one can control what he’s showing Asgore is still the king and organizes expeditions to other timelines when they detect a problem in one.

Dusttale Redemption (DtR) Linked to the multiverse Dusttale (by @ask-dusttale) Timeline I’ve always been a fan of Dusttale so it was only a matter of time before I made my own story. I want to make a comic with this story but I don’t know when I’ll start it so I will just do it when I want (I still want it to be one of the first comics I draw because I tend to lose interest in doing stuff if it’s alrady fleshed out). This timeline was originally supposed to be about Dust finding some sort of redemption (hence the title) but it’s more how Sans came to the idea of killing everyone and what happens once he succeded in doing this.

Undertale Void (UtV) Linked to the multiverse Undertale Timeline Tell the story of Undertale characters from different timelines who all fell into the Core, some instead of Gaster, and some after him. In order of fall into the Core: Gaster, Sans, Alphys, Papyrus, Undyne, then another Sans. They all have specific powers thanks to the Void that they all live in. They can travel to other timelines but Gaster forbids it because it can have major consequences on said timeline. I have no idea how I want this to end and it’s kinda old compared to the other stuff so I have no idea if I will post the story here.

Undertale Horror (UtH) Cut from the multiverse Undertale and Horrortale (by @sour-apple-studios) Timeline The only Undertale story of mine (or at least I think) that has OCs in it (not alternate Frisks or other Undertale characters, original characters). It tells the story of Frisk who left the underground after a neutral run, which, as everyone knows, is the beginning of Horrortale. Liliana (first OC), falls into the underground and, with the help of Gwen (second OC), manages to make a Reset and convinces Frisk to do a pacifist run. So everyone starts to live happily at the surface, but things gets worse when some people start to remember what happened before the Reset. This is one of the stories that I like the most and that I’m the most enthusiastic about even though I have no idea how this is gonna end. I know that I will make it into a comic but I want to do KtATF and DtR before and I hope I will make it before I lose that enthusiasm because that would kinda suck.

Undertale timeline 2737 (Utt2737) Cut from the multiverse Undertale Timeline This is my take on the characters origin and their evolution (especially Sans’ (in case you didn’t know or haven’t noticed most of my AUs are Sans centric even though I often try to balance it out with other characters) but the evolution is for pretty much every characters). I think it will also cover what happens after Frisk leaves the underground (neutral timeline with random actions). I think I will stop with Frisk’s arrival but I’m not sure so I’ll keep writing shit.

Cardtale Background AU Already existing concept (aka Cardtale) remaster The concept of “taking Undertale characters and turning them into cards” already exist, same for the name. I just thought that it would be fun to make my own version of it. I wrote this AU like a game, which means that there is no special story about it, but I might use it in my multiverse story as a random AU getting attacked (hence the name background AU). Each character of the game is linked to a specific card, and I might draw some of those cards if I don’t know what else to do.

Starvingtale Cut from the multiverse/Background AU AU inspired by Horrortale (by @sour-apple-studios) and partially by Monstertale (by @shnowbilicat) (also this is the name I originally wanted to take) In this AU, monsters don’t have magic but instead have more... monstrous traits. They need more food than humans and, as they were trapped in the underground, food started to run out. A lot of monsters have died and, since they don’t turn to dust, the weakest would be eaten by the strongests. Sans and Papyrus’ designs were heavily inspired by True Xans from Undervirus (by @jeyawue), so they have cat-like skeleton legs and tails. Toriel and Asgore have more goat characteristics and are massive (they litterally look like big squares when I draw them). Undyne also has more shark-like features. I haven’t choose a design for Alphys yet. This AU might be used as a background AU just like Cardtale but I might also tell a story with it once I’m done with the others.

Spirittale Cut from the multiverse I forgot if I was inspired by something when I made this one It’s mostly a concept and I have no real story to go with it. Monsters are called spirits (monster is an insult). Every spirit has one or several elements that influences their powers and sometimes personnality. Those elements are fire, water, ice, plants, poison, darkness, light, space, earth, metal and electricity. It is possible for humans, animals and objects to become a spirit under the exposure of one or several elements. Spirits can also gain elements that way. It is common for a spirit to have an appearance that isn’t directly linked to their element(s). Spirits of metal, darkness, light and poison are the rarest elements since they were consised the most dangerous of spirits and were almost eradicated. It is also more difficult to gain those elements. Spirits with only one element, also called pure spirits, are extremely rare, same for free spirits. Free spirits are spirits who often have only one element and can possess pretty much any item. The main cast’s elements (if most of them are missing it’s because I forgot they existed): Toriel: fire and earth Napstablook: darkness, free spirit Sans: ice, poison and space Papyrus: earth, light and space Undyne: water, metal and light Alphys: electricity and fire Mettaton: electricity, free spirit Riverperson: darkness and space For now, this AU’s just a concept (just like Underfell or Underswap), and I have no idea if I will tell something with it.

Infectiontale Cut from the multiverse Inspired by every zombie story ever In this AU, there’s a sickness that decomposes the body of people who are infected by it. Since people thought more monsters had it compared to humans, they locked down every monster and every few infected humans they found. There is no actual cure for this but the king of monster is determined to find one. Sides effects include general hunger at first stages, hunger for meat in middle stages and for humans and monsters at advanced stages. It also slowly decomposes body pieces, separates the skin from the bones and makes infected people bleeding almost constantly. From middle to advanced stages, the infected person may have a hard time remembering who they are and keeping control of their body and instincs. It is also at that time that the sickness can be transmitted through any corporal fluid, most common being blood and saliva. I don’t know if I will make a story out of it but I have some ideas that I might developp later.

Underfantasy Cut from the multiverse Inspired by diverse mythologies Monsters are replaced by different fantastic creatures. Unlike Undertale, there was two wars inter-species: the war in between angels and demons wich made angels lose their powers and dissapear and almost killed all the demons, and the war in between humans and monster wich ended with monsters trapped under a giant dome and humans trapped underground. Both monsters and humans suffered heavy losses during the war, in consequence there is about 5000 humans and 7500 monsters left (those numbers are random and will certainly change for plot convenience). The Dreemurr family are centaurs, the skeletons are demons, Undyne is a mermaid, Alphys is a small dragon and Flowey is a blood flower. Those are the characters that I currently chose a specie for. I’m as enthusiastic for this AU than for UtH and I think there is more story for this AU than any other AU I’ve made (at least for now).

Bloodlusttale Linked to the multiverse Inspired by Lusttale (by @nsfwshamecave) The story is pretty much like Lusttale’s exept monster didn’t have a problem with reproduction, but with combativity. The first human to fell in the underground had a soul with the bloodlust trait that was later injected in every monster to increase their strength. This AU shows similarities with Underfell exept monsters don’t fight to kill but rather to prove their strenght or humiliate their opponent (also for sadistic pleasure). Only adult monsters are injected with Bloodlust but most parents already had Bloodlust in their veins before their made kids, so this trait got transmitted to most children as well. Having scars is considered as a weakness because it shows that you lost a fight, so the more scars someone has, the weaker they’re seen by the other even though it might not be true. Mettaton is hosting a show in wich monsters fight each other, sometimes almost to death, and so monsters can satisfy their thirst for blood by watching TV instead of by constantly engaging fights with their neighbours. Even though most monsters come to fight on this show for fame, bloodlust or the prizes (mostly Gold), some are kidnapped by Mettaton’s employees when they refuse to come fight in the arena (it happens with strong monsters or those who are said to be strong so that it brings more spectators and participants on the show).

Underlight Background AU/Linked to the multiverse Inspired by nothing I guess In this AU monsters are very similars to robot (exept they have emotions and need food just like humans) and cannot die with age. They also need Light to live, wich is produced by “living beings” such as humans, animals and plants. Since monsters don’t produces Light, they aren’t considered as living beings by most people. Golden flowers are the main source of Light and light and are used in lanterns. They are also one of the only plants in the underground since some expeditions have been made to the surface to bring living beings who produces light. This AU is very medieval-like, by that I mean that they don’t have access to a lot of technology and most monsters grow their own food. This is a background AU for a multiverse timeline about my own version of Empireverse in wich an Undyne and a Sans go out of their timeline to fight with the Sun and Moon empires.

Underfeel Cut from the multiverse Inspired by... Ink and his emotion vials? (honestly idk for this one) Underfeel is an AU that is extremely similar to Undertale exept that soul traits are replaced by emotions and that the colors of what I plan to be a comic matches those emotions. Also, emotions can give you powers if you’re in a magic environment or have magic at your disposition. Frisk’s main emotion, or at least the one that they always use, is hope, and grant them wings. Each feeling is associated with a color, and color schemes follow those (or at least that’s what I want to do). For now, this AU’s just a concept, just like most of my AUs.

Underrain Cut from the multiverse Inspired by the song Can’t stand the rain by The Rescues In this AU, monsters are entirely made of water and live in an area surrounded in high freezing mountains and were it’s always raining. Not a lot of people believe that there are monsters there because no one bothers to go and try to explore this area, since it’s highly dangerous and would take way too long. Also, you can’t see anything from the sky because of the clouds. Every monster wears a mask which is like their family name. For example, monsters from the same family will wear the same type of masks, and married couples can choose to take the same mask as their partner or to take a new mask type. The most expensive masks are those who can perfectly replicate the wearer’s facial expressions and change their appearance to fit perfectly their look. For example, Asriel’s mask allows him to look almost like the one from Undertale and almost doesn’t show any watery part. One of the worst things that can happen to a monster is degeneration, wich means that monsters can have too much or not enough water, and that can lead to their death. They can also start to fuse with other monsters, soak everything around them, evaporate when there isn’t enough rain or simply “melt” when in contact with water. For now, it’s only a concept AU, and I don’t have any satisfying idea of a story I want to go with.

Underelements Background AU Inspired by Spirittale and Underrain (yes I got inspired by my own AUs WAT YOU GONNA DO BITCH) In this AU, monsters are spirits, just like in Spirittale. There’s three kinds of spirits: water, fire and wind spirits. There’s also earth spirits, but they call themselves humans. Earth spirits are also the only one who call other spirits “monsters”. The differences in between the different kinds of spirits are their colors (skin, eyes, hair, etc.), their mindset and culture, even thought those are generalities and don’t apply to every single spirit of said type. When two spirits from different types have a child, this child might be one type or a combination of their parents’, same for their powers. They will still be labelled as one type according to their personnality even though their appearance might be a mix of their parents’. Frisk is an earth spirit, Toriel is a fire spirit, Napstablook is a water spirit, Sans a wind spirit, Papyrus a fire spirit, Undyne a water spirit, Alphys a fire spirit, Mettaton a wind spirit, Muffet a wind spirit, Asgoreis a fire spirit, Chara an earth spirit and Asriel a fire spirit. Fire spirits’ colors tend to be red, sometimes purple or cyan, wind spirits’ are light cyan and blue, sometimes pink, water spirits’ are blue and dark cyan, sometimes green or turquoise, earth spirits’ are yellow and brown, sometimes red. Of course, it’s more detailed than that, but I’m not sure about precise colors so here’s an overview. I have no story to tell with this AU so it’s just a cool concept I like and the opportunity to create new species.

Admintale Cut from the multiverse Inspired by Sans’ capacities to use debug commands in the original Undertale game Monsters are humans that have developped powers that allows them to hack reality and laws of physics, and they call themselves “admins”. Most of them change their appearance to go to places frequented by other admins, and change tyhemselves into the original Undertale characters, hence the name “monsters”. At first, they were tolerated by everyone because no one knew they existed, but then people started to be aware of their existence and to distrust them. Slowly, the government started to vote laws against them, until being an admin became a crime punishable by the death penalty, or at least that’s how I want the story to go (if I ever write it). Every character’s real appearance is pretty much their Humantale/Overtale form, and their “monster” form is the one from Undertale. Every admin has different powers that they can train to gain new ones.

I have other AUs on my computer but or I don’t like them or they’re too old for me to remember the details or they’re too small to do something about it or they’re just old and cringy.

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buzzworddotie · 4 years

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A little (not quite) Anxiety Ramble

Do something! Do SOMETHING! Don’t stop doing something!

Welcome to 2020.

It won’t stop, my brain will not shut off. We’ve been in lockdown for… to be honest off the top of my head I can’t even get dates right but I’ve been in isolation mode, working from home for about 4 weeks now maybe?

On week 2, I became more lethargic than I ever have in my life, I withdrew from any contact with other people, my brain was in a fog, I couldn’t focus. My muscles were tired and refusing to function and my energy was entirely zapped.

I managed to pull myself out of that by attempting to not guilt myself for eating that bowl of carb loaded cereal or allowing myself to rationalise that it’s OK to just watch a movie.

But here I find myself in that cloudy little place again. My anxiety is in such a way that my brain refuses to shut down and my motivation is becoming a precious commodity that I’m unsure of how exactly to keep it in a steady flow.

When the anxiety kicks in like this for me, I stress and worry about every and any thing. Things entirely out of my control, other people, how I am perceived, why I am not now or have ever been good enough for anything or anyone.

My rational brain packs its bags and heads for the door as I stare in the mirror and hate everything I see looking back. My doubts, my insecurities, my shame - every dark little voice that can be mustered up gets louder and louder.

And so I overthink every action I make, I try too hard to impress a version of myself on people. I try too hard to force anyone who might give a shit that I am in fact OK! And you know there’s nothing saner than someone screaming “I’M OK!!” directly into another person's face manically.

Sleeping is the worst, or in my case not sleeping. It doesn’t matter how tired I may or may not be, I can be assured that as soon as I lay my head down that anxiety demon comes alive.

I cannot remember the last time I slept for a solid 7 - 8 hours. I can recall what it feels like to be at complete odds and ends at 4am because it’s happening every goddamn night!

Is this a symptom of what is happening in the world right now or is it just an exemplification of how screwed up I might actually be? These are the beautiful thoughts which haunt my brain in between scrolling through Twitter or Reddit, telling myself to not scroll through Twitter or Reddit and then, you know, casually reminding myself that I will never be good enough for whatever the fuck I think I should be good enough for!

I’ve always been a bit of an introverted extrovert, or am I an extroverted introvert? I’m not sure, the point is I’ve never had a problem being a bit “isolated”. I’m quite happy in my own company and just pondering about, in my own little world doing whatever silly things I decide to do with myself. However, that world of mine was always interrupted with everyday interactions - people I work with, the ability to visit someone and general activities which we just take for granted.

I’m starting to even question if I am as introverted as I liked to think I was at all! I told myself that being locked down wasn’t a big deal for me, not a massive shift in my life. I’m single, I live alone… Just a real wholesome and healthy picture there! “I’m OK!!!”

First World Problems.

One thing about me I’ve known since childhood is that I love my independence. I was told by my parents growing up I was the most independent of all my siblings. There is a sense of freedom that comes with independence and I think losing that is throwing me for a bit of a loop.

The freedom and independence to just make a decision to do something in the moment and being able to just do it. Even the smallest, stupidest of things like going for a browse in a shop. Such a boring and mundane activity but an activity that clearly ticked some kind of box for my mind.

Of course, I am wary of banging on about this word “freedom” but allow me to state, I do not mean freedom with the gusto of some hardcore, right wing, gun toting Murican (Or the Irish lady, she whom shall not be named… We all know).

No, I’m not trying to suggest my first world concept of freedom is being threatened on some conspiracy level, I accept the merit in the fact that for a period of time we have to do what’s best for the greater good. But jaysus, it’s not easy at times is it?

Without the fundamental freedoms which I take for granted as everyday life it’s as if my brain is being withheld vital nutrients for it to operate full steam ahead. Don’t get me wrong, this anxiety trip isn’t a new phenomenon for me, I know the bitch well, but I had such a great grip on things and I think the hardest part for a minute there was trying to figure out how I was allowing it all to spiral so ferociously when I know I have the tools to not do that.

It also bothers me because I am, by nature, incredibly laid back and positive. I flip between Energizer Bunny, Everything is Awesome and easily passing for a hippie stoner on my good days. So seeing myself behave erratically at times now makes me not recognise or like the person I am having to live with during this lockdown! Her neediness and desire to please is very, very off putting to me.

But maybe I just need to let her be a little bit, maybe I just need to let her know that it is fine. It is fine if a momentary lapse in the mind causes a mini freak out which embodies itself as wanting to just shut down, it is fine if she does just go a bit OTT at times with people to overly compensate for how weak and low she is feeling. It’s fine.

It is fine. Once you recognise that that’s all it is, it does not lessen your worth to behave in a way you might later regret and it does not lessen your value if you allow your insecurities or vulnerabilities to sneak through every now and then. You just have to hope that whoever is lucky enough to get the brunt of your vulnerability can appreciate the value in getting a taste of it at all. Because that right there, that vulnerability, that is a precious thing which is not afforded to many, if any at all.

It is the most beautiful aspect of humanity, to be vulnerable. And it is really fucking hard to let go of. Vulnerability takes an incredible amount of strength, it’s a feather that keeps on floating through regardless of how much dirt and debris gets attached to weigh it down. It is delicate and strong all at the same time.

And for me, it is terrifying to let that wall down. It feels frightening to think for a moment I let someone see weakness or gave a hint that I, with all my positivity and strength and being there for other people, could have a moment of weakness. It cracks the veneer of who I want to pretend I am.

Meet my friend, Anxiety.

Anxiety has been an under current which has existed within me since my childhood but something I only recognised as I began to get older and, yes, get help. Speaking to a professional allowed me the opportunity to begin to understand myself and learn about myself, gain self awareness.

Where I am now compared to where I was back then are completely opposed. At its worst, I was consumed by my anxiety and all the other little niggly things which tortured my brain. It all manifested in self-hate usually, maybe hate is a strong word but certainly a really strong dislike of myself! I would allow that to spin in circles in my mind until I was lost in it and trying to fix a million and one things about myself and others which really, was all very surface or non-existent.

The difference today is that I can, at last, recognise it. I can see the signs, at times I am deep within them and it takes a step back to shake it off and see it but at least I can find it within myself to rationalise and take that step back.

It doesn’t make it easy, there is nothing easy about managing mental health in the same sense there is nothing easy about managing physical health. If I want that toned stomach I will have to feel the burn and it has to work the same for mental health too!

Jesus, it is not easy at times. I will always remember an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race in which the contestant Katya suffered severely from debilitating anxiety. During a walk through Ru asked the Queen if she was, in fact, addicted to the anxiety. This registered with Katya and as time has gone by and that interaction replays in my own mind, I realise it often registers for me too.

When it is all you know, you can easily become all consumed by the anxiety, the worry, the stress and you can get sucked right down into it. And you can find a level of comfort within that discomfort, it’s recognisable and it can feel easier to submit yourself to it than seek out the light and pull yourself back from it.

When I break it down I can see the various triggers for my anxiety:

Opening up and being vulnerable = Opening myself up for rejection.

Feeling like I cannot help = Opening myself up for failure.

Failure, rejection = Not good enough.

Attempting to improve and increase my self worth is really something that I never understood was such an issue for me, mostly because the concept of “self worth” was never something that even showed up on my radar. But guess what? It’s a thing!

Self love is not about having an over inflated and delirious ego, it is about recognising that you do have worth as a human being. Recognise yourself as a human being.

Oh god, she’s going to talk about her childhood...

So, why is it that I may not have always recognised myself as a human being, worthy of care and love? Well, I will refrain from the details that will cause my very being to quiver but I was raised in a home in which I received a lot of love, but it was unstable. Arguments, raised voices, depression and a lack of seeing love between my parents. A tumultuous family backstory which, while I was not in existence for much of it, carried a heavy cloud over all proceedings. I was in existence for difficult times with siblings and parents who butted heads constantly.

I was a witness, I was shielded from being on the receiving end for the most part but I still stayed awake at night waiting for things to take a turn for the worse. I jumped at nothing and everything, like a scared little mouse. I was reserved and private with friends, I held the problems into myself and did not expose anyone to it.

As well as this, I faced a level of mental, physical and, like so many other girls and women out there, sexual abuse. I won’t delve into all the details but it seems like some sick, twisted joke that once you are forced to be subjected to this as a child, you do not recognise the issue with it which leaves you vulnerable for it again as you mature into an adult and set off on your own.

This is because your self worth has been destroyed. So when you see ladies coming to the fore as part of #MeToo or another movement, or no movement at all, don’t be so quick to judge. These ladies have likely held their tongue because their self worth has been so low that until they became exposed to others discussing it they didn’t even realise what had happened to them.

I won’t dwell too long on that, I could spend a long time dissecting it but it isn’t for now.

I will note, neither of my parents were responsible for that abuse. However, what my beautiful, kind and lovely parents were responsible for was me and as much as it absolutely kills me to have to admit, there were failings. Aside from generally being exposed to an unhappy home, as a child I was used to bridge the gap. Something which ran into my adulthood.

If my father was angry, upset or, as I now reflect and realise, in a spiral of depression it was my responsibility to pick him out of it. From a young age, I was the fixer - a tool to try to make things better.

Until I actually discussed this with a professional I never saw the problem here, everything was normalised to me, but apparently not great! It’s a lot of pressure to put on a child!

Add into that a complex / chip on my shoulder of never being as good as an older sibling, whom I perceived as the ‘golden child’, feeling like I had to keep things hurting me hidden for fear of disrupting an already disruptive home for which I felt responsible for keeping the peace or holding together and well, you get yourself a nice little stew that is a recipe for absolute fucked up adulthood!

Honest Reflection.

How could I ever expect to grow into a well developed individual? The balance of genuine love I did receive from my parents is what I believe kept me from falling down an even more desperate track, a track which I pondered along on many occasions. A dark road with flickering lights where the allure of escape was often far too real.

However, my internal commentary of having to be responsible for others actually kept me from ending it on many occasions as I could not release the feeling of not wanting to let anyone down.

Jesus, unpack this shit and it’s an absolute shit show! But I don’t claim to be special or unique, the sad reality is how many people went through a similar journey or worse and are now in their early to mid adulthood and attempting to get to grips with it all. And that’s only if they managed to find the tools and resources to recognise it in the first place.

Recognise that 1. You are not mental and 2. You are not a terrible human being.

I can’t speak to anyone else but clearly I have lacked the tools to manage or cope with my emotions. Anything outside of my control freaks me out and I lose the absolute run of myself! I panic, I seek out approval and validation and often in unhealthy ways. I have had eating disorders which I have been in denial about, I have drank too much, gone off the rails and slept with far too many people!

What now? What triggered my writing, which has evidently turned into an unintentional essay about myself (fair play if you’ve made it this far, you’re a better person than me).

I recognised irrational behaviour and a deep dip in my mood as well as an increase of self critical behaviours. That was when I began writing, this is now the future, or present, or wait, is this inception? I’ve incepted myself, just know as you read now a couple of days have passed.

And it took those couple of days for the lightbulb to click on but better late than never!

Let there be Light!

I began writing this aimlessly as a means to just put my thoughts down and that was a step in the direction of realising I had to do something. I am now slowly picking myself back up from it all.

First step, I went to the chemist and I just asked what can you give me for anxiety, I am not sleeping, I have not had a proper night sleep in close to two weeks or more - I asked for…… Help!

Gulp, scary, try it sometime.

The Pharmacist gave me a product called “Avena Sativa” (check it out). I added 20-30 drops to a little bit of water and it immediately relaxed and eased my mind. I took more before bed and baby, when I say I slept! Pure, deep, joyful sleep - all the z’s.

But wait, there’s more! Thinking I might as well hit this from all angles, I also grabbed some Vitamin D supplements and began retaking my B-12. I don’t know if one or all of these things did the trick but I can certainly feel the easing effects.

So that’s the taking stuff, but that isn’t all I did - Oh no, that would be too short for me!

I knew I really needed to hit this hard if I wanted to pull myself out of the hole I could eventually be down deep within. I’m a fan of meditation, I get that some skeptical people might huff it off as new age hippie nonsense or whatever, but it can work. Youtube has a host of wonderful meditation videos and for me, switching off from the world and onto one of those helps me massively.

Additionally, I stopped hanging out of my phone, for the best part at least. I have a bit of anxiety with my phone (of course I do). I went through a period of time where my phone was a bearer of bad news, any phone call could have been bad news and eventually, it was. I realised I find it hard to let go of that, the idea that if I do not have my phone on me and with sound on 24/7 I risk not getting an important piece of news, I risk letting someone down or not being there as I should be.

Should = dangerous word. Don’t let ‘should’ govern your life or mind. Every ‘should’ is an expectation and additional level of stress you are putting on yourself. Best advice I received was to replace ‘I should’ with ‘I want to’ and see what the end result becomes.

Let’s wrap this up.

All in all, this is a time that can lead those susceptible to anxiety, and even those who are not typically, to find themselves in the mental trenches. It’s imperative to look at yourself from the outside and attempt to recognise what might be the deep rooted cause of what is effing you up. Do you really hate your body right now or is your self worth a bit low because of some other reason that deserves to be addressed?

Maybe consider going a bit easy on yourself? Don’t beat yourself up over that response or message that you regret. Don’t assume you can control others, just be yourself. Speak your truth at any given time and allow yourself that beautiful release of scary, scary vulnerability.

Don’t run from it or beat yourself up over every and any little interaction or negative thought, give yourself a break and pull yourself out of the addiction of dark thoughts. Seek out help, ask for help - even if you are just asking yourself. Make healthy choices that will have a knock on effect of making you feel good about yourself or happy in your decision.

It is far from easy, but again, nothing worth having in this life is ever easy. But then the end result, when you push through and put in that effort - it is so, so very worth it to be able to have that moment of that day when you actually don’t doubt yourself or hate yourself.

I will keep motoring along with my own work and efforts and I ask that you do the same, if you find yourself in that dark place. Push through and don’t give up on yourself, you’re all you’ve got and that’s a pretty amazing thing to have.

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slytherin-puffskein · 5 years

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A Happily Ever After Tale

@hphm-rarepair-week | Bill Weasley x Rowan Khanna

My only entry for this lovely event! Please enjoy~

Summary: Who would have thought a single letter was able to give Rowan Khanna such emotional turmoil? As he is offered a choice to make, memories surge through him, ones that he isn’t that willing to revisit.

Warnings: Mild angst

Notes: / / / symbols followed by italicized text represent flashbacks. Features my MC, Laurent King.

The clock moving on, it drags me along with feet buried in the ground

Road going home is dark and alone, but I’ll make it out alive somehow

Flicks in the night, a lamp giving light, my long shadow left behind

I’m on my own, aren’t I?

One scene is based on @theevildoc‘s wonderful art

Rowan Khanna is the sort of person who likes to plan everything until the last detail. Nothing is skipped, nor forgotten. As usual, he had planned his day, and it was supposed to go down like this: waking up, eating breakfast, hanging with Lau and have lunch with him at some Muggle restaurant, and then relax once he is back at home. Not a super busy day, right? Nothing that’ll exhaust him too much. Maybe he’ll even have time to start reading a new book… but for that, he would need to finish the one he is currently reading. Only a hundred pages left, so it might take him… an hour or so to finish. Yes, he will definitely have time to read another book.

He had planned everything, even his outfit, because just like everyone else he liked looking somewhat good. His style was one that could be classified as “nerdy”. To Rowan, despite people’s narrow-mindedness, it was simply amazing, and if he liked it then it was all that mattered.

Having been nervously sitting on the edge of his seat for an hour, pondering over how uncomfortable that chair was, the silence was suddenly broken by three distinct knocks on the door. One. Two. Bang. One, then two again. That can only be Laurent King, who had the weird habit to make up little tunes whenever he had the opportunity to hit a hard surface. Quickly enough, the door swung open, and the two friends were soon in each other’s arms. After all, it has been months since they last saw each other, due to them being both extremely busy with work.

“Laurent! I missed you so much! Talking about new stories I’ve read isn’t as fun when it’s not with you!”

Laurent chuckled softly, and softly patted Rowan’s hair. During his first year at Hogwarts, he wasn’t exactly… a fan of the guy. Not at all, in fact. He had considered Rowan as too nerdy, too clingy, too… too much. But in the end, he had realized one thing: they were both extremely, terribly curious as well as intuitive, and Rowan quickly saw himself becoming Laurent’s friend and accompanying him through his multiple shenanigans.

“I missed you too, Ro. What’s up?”

Two glasses of wine were filled, and instead of following the planned routine they had agreed upon, Rowan’s impulsiveness surged forward. Before he could notice it, his eagerness to talk to his friend controlled his actions and pushed him to stray from their original plans. My new neighbour’s got a cat that keeps yelling. Farm work is doing extremely great! I started reading a new book, and it is wondrous… topics flowed out of his mouth, one after the other, and he came to realize one thing: how much he loved talking to Laurent King. Usually, a lot of people would order him to shut up at once… but not Lau. Never Lau. He would always listen, a smile on his face and a glint in his eyes. It was truly wonderful, to know that someone was interested in what he talked of… but still, sometimes he had to force himself to shut up in order to let Lau speak at once. He couldn’t be the center of attention at all times, after all !

When it finally was Laurent’s turn to speak, Rowan found himself entirely raptured by his words. Granted, he was a great talker, but he was also a great listener. He didn’t miss a single detail, fact, random trivia or opinion said by his dear friend. He could have sat there for hours, just listening to Lau’s musical voice. Soon enough, he was fully updated about all the things that Laurent have been up to, and vice versa.

As Rowan was about to talk about how he was considering to get a Crup, a letter suddenly appeared between Laurent’s fingers. Blue, sort of frilly, with a heart shaped wax seal that was broken. What could it possibly be?

“Sooo… have you got the invitation, Khanna?”

Rowan’s eyebrows knitted together. “What invitation?”

“Don’t you know? Our man is getting married! And I heard the girl is pretty cool. She’s french, like me!”

Our man. How in the world was Rowan supposed to figure out who Lau was talking about ? Sometimes, that guy was impossible. He sighed, giving Lau his most disappointed stare.

“Which man, Lau? Andre? Ben? Jae?”

Jae isn’t the type of guy to marry, though. At least, to Rowan’s eyes. The closest thing he had to a love story was whatever he had going on with Chiara, and it had been… fairly awkward for all involved. Laurent shook his head at last, loose hair strands that had managed to free themselves from his ponytail flicking left and right.

“Nope. Bill. Bill Weasley is getting married, can you believe!?”

And all kinds of different feelings surged through Rowan Khanna: joy, jealousy, excitement, sadness, enthusiasm, anger. He forced a smile.

“I… haven’t got my invitation, yet”

“You’ll surely get it. You’re a friend of his, after all”

At this point, it was as if barbed wire had suddenly popped inside of Rowan’s throat, and gathering the strength to talk was almost too much.

“Yeah… I’ll get it… surely”

/ / /

Hogwarts’ Library was definitely Rowan’s go-to place to relax. Not even study, just relax and contemplate life. And there was a lot to contemplate. His classes, his friends, his family, his future, his past… and yet, nothing came to his mind as he was sitting at his favourite spot, fact that left a bitter taste in Rowan’s mouth. Never before he had found himself like this, with nothing to ponder over. However, the gears inside of his brain kept on grinding in an attempt to provide him things to have deep reflexions over. This time, maybe he could try and figure out why– suddenly, he froze. A knot formed itself in his stomach, and his palms were quick to sweat abundantly. A few steps away, checking the bookshelves, was William, or Bill was he was known, Weasley.

He was looking absolutely beautiful with his shoulder length almost orange hair and sharp, yet friendly eyes. Immediately, Rowan’s imagination started running, seeing himself confidently standing up and talking to him, maybe even flirting with him… but imaginary Rowan was much more different than the real Rowan, who was still frozen on his seat and staring helplessly at the young man.

Come on, Khanna, it’s not that hard! He is a friend. Just stand up, walk to him, and talk! But about what? What is a good conversation topic? Trees? Yeah, trees sound good! But what about trees? Cats. Cats often climb trees. Should I talk about that? Try to figure out why cats love trees so much? No, that’s ridiculous! Get a grip, Rowan! Talk about… books! No, not books!

In the end, he gave up, and pulled out of his bag a book to read.

/ / /

“What? What do you mean, you’re not coming!?”

Rowan’s invitation, received just a few hours ago, was now ripped into tiny little pieces and buried deep into the wizard’s trashcan. Said wizard was now looking at Lau, face expressionless and arms folded over his chest, looking as decided as ever: he was not going to this wedding, no matter how hard Lau was going to try and convince him. It was his decision, and it was 100% final.

“Because I’m just not! Do you remember the Celestial Ball, Lau? I didn’t want to go, and you forced me to tag along. This time, I’m not coming! Will make me save a lot of money too, no need to buy fancy outfits or whatever…”

He mumbled something else, something unintelligible, before flicking his gaze right back to his friend who looked absolutely scandalized. Why would he not come to Bill’s wedding? This was about their friend! Their friend that they loved very much! Rowan… Rowan considers Bill as a friend, right? Lau mentally slapped himself after thinking that. Of course he considers him as a friend, or else he wouldn’t have let me approach him, the protective little shit he is. Setting himself the objective to convince his friend, he took a step forward, scanning his face as if he could possibly find the reason why he didn’t want to come. Rowan sighed, immediately turning away.

“I-I just don’t wanna go, Lau! That’s all!”

To Lau, however, it looked as if his friend was lying. Completely lying. Why? Simple: he looked stressed, anxious, even desperate. As if he was hiding something from his friend. Something he never wanted to be revealed.

Instead of mentioning that, however, his impulsiveness took over, and it started speaking through him:

“That’s all? Yeah, that’s all a load of stinking bullshit. You’re Bill’s friend, and you know it. He sent you that invitation, he wants you there!” the redhead paused briefly, rubbing his temples. “Do you really want him to be sad during his wedding? During what might be the best day of his life? Because you simply don’t want to come?”

Without meaning it, his tone had sounded as if he was blaming him for trying to ruin Bill’s happiness… and unfortunately Rowan took Lau’s words that way, twirling around and facing him with a thundering gaze.

“Get. Out!”

Please stay. I’m so, so lost, Lau.

“What? No! I’m not getting out until I convince you t-”

“OUT!”

But once again, Rowan’s thoughts pleaded his friend to stay, to understand that he wasn’t himself at that moment. However, no matter how much Lau claimed he knew Rowan, he didn’t know him enough to see that he was truly upset and in need of help.

So instead of sitting down and trying to reason him, he took his things and left.

/ / /

“Bill…?”

The Gryffindor, who has been focused on his Transfiguration homework, quickly raised his head and smiled as he recognized Rowan Khanna. Despite the fact he had an exam coming in the next few days, he closed his book and slipped it into his bag.

“Rowan! What can I do for you?”

Because he immediately noticed one thing: he looked worried. Nervous. Desperate, even. But for what…? Gently, Rowan leaned down, his cheeks reddening.

“Can we… uh, can we talk? Both of us? Together? You and me?”

Ugh, shut up, I think he gets that you want to talk to him alone! He was quick to mentally give himself a punch, and focused back on Bill who was, thank Merlin, nodding. “Sure. Let’s move somewhere else, though, I don’t think that the Library is the best place for conversations…”

He quickly shot a glance in Pince’s direction, and Rowan had to hold back a giggle. Together, they made their way outside of the library, and as soon as Bill closed the door behind him words started flowing out of Rowan’s lips, without him being able to control it:

“Is there anywhere you wanna go? We can go the Clocktower Courtyard, the East Tower, the Common Room- well, wait, we’re not in the same House, true, er…”

This is getting worse and worse. Bill, however, chuckled softly and even placed his hand on Rowan’s shoulder as a comforting gesture. Shivers ran through his entire body, electrifying him, and as Bill started smiling he knew one thing: he was a complete mess for that boy. With hope, Weasley appreciated messes.

“We can just do this here in this hallway. Unless it’s important…? You look kind of pale, Rowan. Did Lau pull a prank on you again?”

That was sufficient to make him laugh.

“No, no pranks… just…”

His heart was hammering against his chest, threatening to burst out at any moment. Quite a gory thing to picture, honestly.

“Just what, Rowan ? You really look weird…”

Just go for it. Take a deep breath, and go for it.

“Would you… like to go out with me?”

/ / /

This is a bad idea.

No, this is a terrible idea.

This is a horrendous idea.

Rowan’s mind was spinning to the point that he was starting to feel sort of dizzy, and he had to stop mid-step in order to press himself against a tree, taking a couple deep breaths. Why did I even accept? Oh yeah, because Lau gave me his cute Puffskein eyed-look. Curse you, Laurent! He felt a hand land on his shoulder, and jumped in surprise until he realized that it was Lau’s.

Of course it was Lau’s, they were going to this… thing together. A smile was etched on his friend’s features, and for a second Rowan envied how relaxed he looked. If only I could be as calm…

But there is no way this will happen.

* * *

He looked beautiful.

Exactly as Rowan feared. He thought his scars might have made him look uglier, and that as a result Rowan might turn out to be less attracted to him… but the opposite happened. He looked strong. He looked badass. He looked ethereal.

Just like his wife, who was dancing with him, a smile on her soft features. Pretty people marry pretty people, I suppose. Wasn’t I pretty enough for him…? He scanned the crowd around him. Everyone was happy, clapping their hands and cheering for the newlywed couple. Rowan tried to imitate them, to plaster a smile on his face, but he found himself unable to do so. He could only stare at the two lovers, and notice the way they looked at each other. With pure, unfiltered love. Will I ever know this kind of love…?

He could still remember their conversation, right outside of the library. Don’t think of it, don’t think of it, you won’t handle it if you think of it while looking at them. Don’t ruin this wedding. It’s as Lau said: I can’t make him upset during his happiest d–

Their gazes met.

And Rowan’s heart crushed.

/ / /

He had said no.

Rowan, I like you a lot, you’re a great friend… let’s stay this way.

He said no, and he has been so kind. So caring. So careful to not offend him.

Why was he so perfect? Why was he so unattainable? Why was this so unfair? Gritting his teeth and holding back tears, Rowan stormed inside of his dorm and threw himself on his bed, sinking into the pillows as if he was trying to choke himself on them.

Invisible barbed wire grated at his throat, making it impossible for him to cry without pain. But he did it anyway. Because what is love, without a bit of pain?

For a moment, he considered giving up, but he quickly remembered something his mom would always tell him:

“Never give up, my boy”

He won’t give up on Bill. Not entirely.

Hope will stay. And linger. And tug at him occasionally.

And he will keep it as his dear companion. Upon thinking that, a smile curled Rowan’s lips.

Maybe we will get in a relationship after all.

And marry

And live happy ever after, without any threat falling on us.

/ / /

“The ministry has fallen. Scrimgeour is dead. They are coming.”

#my writing #hphm rarepair week 2019 #rowan khanna #bill weasley #rowan khanna x bill weasley #hphm #hogwarts mystery #thanks to caustic-curses for beta reading <3

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the-desolated-quill · 5 years

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Absent Friends - Watchmen blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. if you haven’t read this comic yet, you may want to before reading this review)

At Midnight, All The Agents managed to set the tone with its cynical and biting critique of superheroes, presenting them as being violent felons or worthless failures indulging in power fantasies. The second issue, Absent Friends, sinks its teeth even deeper as we take a look at the Comedian’s past via flashbacks whilst the other characters attend his funeral and pay their respects.

So lets talk about the Comedian.

Aside from the accusations of rape, the first issue didn’t go into too much detail about Edward Blake, other than that no one besides Rorschach seemed to like him very much. This issue goes into much more detail as we see the Comedian at four major points in his history.

The first flashback is that of the Minutemen back in 1940, where we see Eddie try to rape Sally Jupiter, the first Silk Spectre. It’s a very shocking and disturbing scene, not just because of the fact that he’s supposed to be a superhero, but also because of the sheer brutality of the attack. Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons don’t hold back in depicting Comedian’s sickening behaviour, but they also don’t become too indulgent with it. They clearly take no pleasure from depicting this type of sexual violence and there is a legitimate artistic reason why it’s there. Prior to the flashback, we see the two Silk Spectres discuss the Comedian. Laurie is disgusted that Sally would have anything positive to say about Eddie after what he did, but what I find most interesting is a moment during the conversation where Sally shows Laurie a porno comic of her. This, to me, reveals what Moore and Gibbons are getting at here. Namely the role of women in superhero comics.

Female superheroes have always been something of a paradox. They need to be strong and independent, but not too strong and independent. We can’t have Wonder Woman upstaging Superman, now can we? Oh and of course they need to look sexy. Long hair flowing. Plenty of bare flesh showing. Tight leather outfits. High heels. Makeup. Never mind the fact that this getup is not remotely practical or appropriate to fight crime in.

While this sexist attitude is slowly and thankfully fading away from modern comics, historically there has always been this kind of seediness to how women are presented in comics. They’re not there to empower women. They’re there to appeal to the male gaze. Sexy athletic women with massive boobs beating the shit out of baddies. They are, for lack of a better term, sex objects. Watchmen takes this to its extreme, presenting both Silk Spectres as being incredibly sexualised to the point where some characters, like the Comedian and the pornographer who made the comic, perceive them as being little more than sex objects. Not only that, but Sally and Laurie’s different perspectives on this sexualisation reflects the changing attitudes about women in comics at the time. Sally accepts the porno comics and the attempted rape as par for the course. The reality of being a woman. She even chose her costume herself in order to draw attention to herself in the hopes of jump-starting a modelling career. Laurie meanwhile didn’t choose the sexualised image that has been thrust onto her and is very vocal in her distaste toward how she’s perceived and how her mother is willing to brush it aside. People often have a tendency to write off Silk Spectre as being the weak link, but I don’t think that’s fair. There’s a lot going on with this character and in our current age of MeToo and social media empowering women to open up about their experiences, she’s a character that has become more and more relevant as time goes on.

The second flashback depicts Captain Metropolis trying to recruit the main characters into ‘the Crime Busters,’ only for the Comedian to ruin it with his nihilistic attitude. This mainly serves as a takedown of superhero crossovers like Justice League and the Avengers. Rorschach even comments on it, saying it feels more like a publicity stunt. It also serves as subtle foreshadowing for Ozymandias’ plan, but we’ll come to that in a future blog. But most importantly, it displays the Comedian’s changing attitude towards crime fighting. When he was with the Minutemen, he was happy to indulge in his own violent fantasies by beating up criminals, but now he’s become aware of how pointless it all is due to the Cold War. Capes and masks are useless against the nukes.

The next flashback depicts the Comedian and Doctor Manhattan fighting (and winning) the Vietnam War. This is probably my least favourite of the flashbacks and it’s because of Eddie killing a Vietnamese woman he had impregnated months earlier. Whereas the attempted rape of Sally felt thematically justified, the murder of a pregnant woman just felt like shock for the sake of shock and doesn’t really serve a purpose other than to reinforce the fact that the Comedian is a horrible human being. But it does raise an important issue. Superheroes and patriotism.

America has a few superheroes associated with it. Superman. Spider-Man. Captain America. But very rarely do comics explore the impact a superhero would have on a country’s political standing in the world. Having a superhuman associated with your country could tip the scales greatly in your favour, which is exactly what happens in Watchmen. Thanks to Doctor Manhattan and the Comedian, America is able to win the Vietnam War, turning it into the fifty first state. The United States is much more powerful than any country on Earth thanks to the likes of Manhattan, which is what has escalated the Cold War because the Russians are running scared of the threat America poses.

Morally speaking, any superhero who truly believes in justice and heroism should ideally be completely impartial. Siding with one country over another could seriously compromise the hero. But how, you might be tempted to ask. A superhero serving his country doesn’t sound so bad, right? Except there’s a world of difference between fighting for moral good and fighting for your country. This isn’t the same as stopping a mugger and giving an old lady her purse back. In war, good and evil isn’t so clearly defined. So by sending a superhero into a war zone, you’re effectively demonising a whole nation of people. Because the side with the hero must be good and the side fighting the hero must be bad, right? It imposes a black and white mentality onto a situation that is, to put it mildly, incredibly messy.

Another problem with having superheroes in the army (or any form of law enforcement) is that superheroes are a law unto themselves. They exist outside the chain of command. While, yes, the police and the military are both deeply flawed institutions, there are laws and safeguards that (in theory) prevent officers from abusing their power. Superheroes don’t have that. So with no one holding them to account, there’s nothing to stop them from going too far, as we see the Comedian do many times.

Which brings us to the fourth flashback. The police strike of 1977 where we see the Comedian and Nite Owl try to stop the riots and we hear about congress pushing through the Keene Act to outlaw superheroes.

Like Rorschach, the Comedian is also based on a Charlton Comics character. The Peacemaker. A militaristic superhero who believes heavily in pacifism and wishes to bring peace to the world.... through violence.

Yeah, I don’t get it either. But honestly, it feels like Moore and Gibbons are using the Comedian to take the piss out of Peacemaker. He’s a ‘superhero’ and yet we see him fire rubber bullets and tear gas at a crowd of people, murder a pregnant woman and try to rape someone. It’s as if they’re saying that it’s impossible to be both a hero and violent. We have a romanticised view of superheroes fighting crime, but where do we draw the line? Why is the rape of a woman unacceptable, but the beating of a criminal okay? Is it because the criminal is quote/unquote ‘evil?’ So are we saying that a criminal’s life is worthless the minute they break the law? If that’s the case, then the conversation has turned away from superheroes and toward fascism.

Many people describe the Comedian as a nihilist, which is true, but what a lot of people fail to recognise is that all the characters are technically nihilists. They all believe the world has no morality or meaning, but whereas the other characters of Watchmen impose their own personal morality onto the world, the Comedian does the opposite. He embraces the chaos and amorality of the world around him and uses his superhero identity to indulge in sex and violence. It’s what makes the smiley face logo so appropriate for the Comedian. Like the smiley face, superheroes are supposed to represent all that is good and just about this world. But just as the blood stain taints the smiley face, violence and corruption taints the image of the superhero.

The issue ends with Rorschach breaking into the cemetery to pay his respects and his final monologue I think perfectly sums up the despicable, but fascinating nature of the Comedian. In his journal, he tells the joke about Pagliacci, a clown whose act is recommended by a therapist as a cure for a patient’s depression. Except the patient in question is Pagliacci.

What hope does America have when the superhero that’s meant to save them is just as corrupt and amoral as them?

#absent friends #watchmen #alan moore #dave gibbons #dc comics #review #spoilers

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my-add-chronicles · 5 years

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when half-assed is still a great choice: task management for us race cars

Half-assed is always a good choice. In fact, I’m of the opinion that for us it’s actually the ideal choice.

For me, I deal with a lot of black and white thinking.

The way I experience and plan my day, the way I try to coordinate time, the way I approach tasks. Habitually I find my default is to use an all-or-nothing approach. It’s just what feels comfortable.

But that comes with a lot of weaknesses and limitations. I tend to try to finish things all at once to fully utilize my limited, finicky attention span and emotional energy. I don’t trust or even know if I can handle doing something tomorrow, so if I do something today I want to finish it ALL today.

Because lord knows about all those half-finished projects am I right? Not to mention out of sight out of mind. Sometimes I find something a week later like ‘shit. I was going to do that’

So knocking off a task completely so it can’t be delayed or forgotten is always my instinct.

Another factor I find is, I tend to be attracted to finishing a project in a single sitting or a single evening because... then I don’t have to do it longer. The romance in procrastinating a paper until 6 hours before it is due is- you only have to work on the stupid thing for 6 hours. And when your default mode is perfectionism, and when you have limited emotional energy, sometimes knowing there’s a hard limit of how long you have to suffer through something is the only thing that allows you to get something done.

Unfortunately, for a lot of tasks that’s not healthy or realistic. While I embrace my natural approach to tasks, it’s good to operate within some boundaries, i.e. knowing when to give up (avoid losing sleep!) and making a conscious effort to remember to eat and drink water and so on.

But there are some tasks that are literally impossible to knock off the priority list in a single go because either they are a task you’ve been avoiding that has piled up, due to other more pressing priorities or life factors (i.e. my current mountain of clean laundry)... or they just never were things that were realistically possible to finish in a single sitting or a single day.

What’s my default instinct when I can’t finish a task in a single sitting? .... avoid it! Avoid and avoid and avoid some more. Unless they become an immediate barrier to immediate needs or have a negative impact on others, the task drops to the bottom of my priority list.

The irony is, a task that could have been done easily over a short amount of time but requires a little strategizing or just -looks- like something that can’t be done in a single sitting tends to be avoided and then ultimately absolutely becomes something that -definitely- can’t be done in a single day just because the task was avoided, (making the task even less attractive!). Not the best cycle.

For one maybe it actually could have been done in two hours but you didn’t know exactly how you wanted to approach it, or had a perfectionistic idea of how to work on it, or wanted to find a way for it to be fully done in one sitting before even being willing to start it... trouble is, time and time again, I find myself in that loop. Basically, while I am absolutely most efficient doing something in one sitting, doing things that take more than that is outside my comfort zone, which leads me to be pessimistic about the possible outcome/time required by default, when really maybe it wouldn’t be all that bad. Basically, making things harder for yourself.

After all, people with ADD are very momentum-based people. It makes plenty of sense.

It is EASIER and HAS LESS ENERGY COST to do things in one go than it is to repeatedly return to something over time. Why? Because our brains have trouble with transitions. Transitions drain us. Meaning, the act of transitioning itself is a conscious effort that costs more energy than it does for a neurotypical person.

A really ungraceful metaphor is.. we ADD folks are like race cars and neurotypical people are like regular cars. Race cars are designed for going fast. Race cars use a round track, ok? Those are designed for race cars- beautiful! Smooth sailing. We are cars that go real fast are good at soft turns, sudden lane changes, those quick small directional shifts... momentum! Zoom zoom! Regular cars are designed for normal streets.. they’re designed for slowing down with ease, for making a full stop in not much time at all, for making that 90 degree turn at the corner. ....We ADD peeps just kind of suck at brakes. We’re not built for that! Sure, we can turn at the corner like normal cars. But we default to normal race car speed so we would have to slam the breaks like SCREEEEEEEE—- and finally make a full stop before making that turn. And, we finish that turn and have to reaccelerate back to that race car speed, and since we slowed to a stop we have to use a ton of energy to reaccelerate back to normal speed. This is a pretty good explanation for how transitioning between activities or tasks or categories feels for someone with ADD. (Or maybe we’re like.. those manual transition cars, where they stall if you do it wrong? Lol I don’t know. I don’t even know how to drive I have no business making car metaphors)

I can’t speak on ADHD folks because they are the same yet there are some differences in detail for some. For instance, my mom has ADHD. She didn’t use that word before, but my younger sibling had severe ADHD as a little kid and I identified my own ADD at age 25 or so (harder to spot as a kid when you’re daydreaming instead of squirming in your seat). So my mom now has the vocabulary and it’s strongly apparent that both my mom and my mom’s father (my grandfather) have ADHD..

.. so for my mom who has ADHD, she is absolutely a race car. But almost more in the literal sense too. She is a high speed creature. The irony of ADD is that.. ADD/ADHD people LIKE doing a lot of different things. They get distracted easily. But honestly I wouldn’t even use the word distracted. We are ATTRACTED easily. We quickly spot and are drawn to many different things. We spot something and then have to re-evaluate our original course of action to decide if we should prioritize the new exciting thing instead.

The thing about my ADHD mom is, she can transition WELL! She lives like a race car but she can make those sharp turns! She can reaccelerate fast! It doesn’t even cost energy! I swear! That damned H serves her well. She is hyper. She is energetic. (I have a limited understanding of how much this varies between ADHD folks but that is my experience observing myself next to the way my mom experiences ADHD, and my younger sibling as well to a degree). My mom is seamless at transitions.

So it’s funny because it took a long time for my ADHD mom to understand me, her ADD daughter. Because for her, she operates like I do, but... for me, I’m sluggish. Transitions are hard. It takes me a long time to speed back up after slowing down. Once I switch to a new task, it’s like I have to start my speed from 0 again and rebuild the momentum. My mom can switch from one task to another and only lose a few miles per hour in the process of deciding what she’s doing next. She can jump right in with very little delay or mental energy cost.

Granted, she is a bad listener, and scatterbrained as fuck. What she lacks in attention she makes up for in her fast transitions. Yeah maybe she’ll forget what she was doing or what is being said or will suddenly change subject without realizing you weren’t done, but ultimately it doesn’t matter because she easily and quickly can change right back to your subject, or will remember what she was doing and return back to it after a short detour- and can do so without any strain. And that is how she is different from me, and why I needed medication and she got away with not being medicated for her ADHD itself. (Some of this is also age and experience, I know school was hard but like many of us, she didn’t realize she had ADHD and that medication was out there. And now she’s reached the point where it just isn’t needed).

So now maybe you understand why you approach tasks the way you do but.. what the hell is one to do?

Something I’m finding beneficial is:

Accept and love the way you naturally approach tasks. Don’t shame yourself for wanting to do things in one sitting. Don’t shame yourself for marathoning things. Like many human quirks, it’s a skill. It can be extremely beneficial, not to mention satisfying as hell. There are ways our brains work and maybe they will shift with time but so long as you are not being destructive and are still attempting to operate within healthy boundaries (remember to eat!), why the hell not do things in the way that comes easiest?

A favorite metaphor I like to use for this is: flow around the rocks, not against them.

Sure you can slam yourself against a task by forcing yourself to segment it or spread it out or multitask like a neurotypical person could. But it’s going to take you a lot fucking longer than if you just relaxed and did it your own way.

But the kicker is, of course.. sometimes it isn’t the best way. As mentioned, it has limitations, we have weaknesses. We are prone to black and white thinking, which translates to perfectionism. Which turns into avoidance.

So how do we compliment and lift up those weak aspects of ourselves?

My input is the principle that: half-assing is not only a great choice, but is the best choice

Then you go ‘What? Pfft, easy for you to say. I’m a perfectionist not just out of habit- stuff is important to me! I’m not going to half-ass things!’ ..bear with me.

If you remember, in your head, as a baseline principle, that half-assing things is not only a great choice but is the best choice... you can make wonderful progress at side-stepping your default habit of avoidance entirely.

Flow around the rocks not against the rocks!

You see, this is something neurotypical people even know the truth in.

There’s a higher probability for you to meditate for 10 minutes a day more consistently if you commit to meditating 1 minute a day as opposed to if you commit to meditating 10 minutes no matter what... what I mean is.. Ultimately, you will spend more days in a month actually meditating for 10 minute sessions if you commit to 1 minute meditations minimum (allowing yourself that flexibility) than if you were to be rigid and force yourself to meditate for 10 minutes every day and eventually burn out.

We people with ADD are attracted to black and white thinking. That also means we’re really attracted to all-or-nothing. Which means we are attracted to and romanticize rigidity. Because in an abstract sense, rigidity highlights some of our natural skills. But in the bigger picture, it becomes like the meditation principle. Yeah sure maybe your success will look better when you meditate for 10 minutes every single day, but in the end you are actually losing more in the bigger picture. Especially for people with ADD, rigidity is attractive but has never been sustainable or realistic with consideration for human nature. Yes, we love clean-cut results. But ironically having a clean-cut or a rigid approach rarely brings clean-cut success in the bigger picture.

So we have to do things in a way that feels sort of like doing things backwards

You want to have perfect results in your life? To be reliable? To not disappoint people? To function well? To finish things? To do things well.

Half. Ass. Them.

Half-ass them. HALF-ASS THEM!

..Ok here’s a catch-phrase that will help you both remember this principle and find the concept more palatable in making it clear how it actually will be beneficial:

HALF-ASS IS BETTER THAN NO ASS

Bonus: half-ass always leads to full-ass!

In this case we want the ass. (...I better not go further with this metaphor).

Use this principle with great strength and enthusiasm towards areas of life that habitually end in avoidance. Don’t skimp! Give that task a nice big dash of half-assing it.

If you create and embrace this attitude- this really warm attitude towards yourself, an attitude of approaching your life that says... hey..! I’m not going to stress about the outcome or about the most efficient way to go about this, I’ve already said I love myself enough to half-ass this..! I’m just going to dive in! ...then you foster a life where you can become more reliable, more practiced, and more happy and functional and yet still super ADD. Happy functional ADD life skills! Instead of forcing yourself to change, learning how to work with yourself!

It goes without saying- rigidity is the enemy. Or at the very least the barrier in which we should become skilled at flowing around. Get good at dancing, get good at the dodge. Learn your natural habits and flow around the rocks. This is a method of that.

I hope this helps! Best wishes and don’t be too hard on yourself. Your life trajectory may look different than other people’s, but ultimately you end up thriving and succeeding just as much as anyone else. Allow yourself the room and the permission to do this your own way.

#add #adhd #mental health #organization tips #organization skills #task management #life skills #advice #life tips #life hacks #actuallyadd

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