#it's past one am and i was high key procrastinating homework while writing this but i also kind of love it

[pan-fangirl-345]

Fluffy, 58/71 & 66, with tsukki! In the bedroom for longing

Prompts: Nervous kiss, sudden kiss, and desperate kiss

A/N: You're my first event ask anon! And I love the way your brain works. I'm just now realizing that this sounds kind of like the game Clue. Also, no pronouns were mentioned, so it's gender neutral!

Sorry for any errors, it's late where I am and this kind of got away from me, but I hope you like it!

"Are you almost done?" Kei asked, turning in his chair to look at you.

"Yeah, I just have one more quote and a paragraph to write," you replied, typing furiously on your laptop, glancing back at the book for the correct wording.

He hummed his acknowledgement, watching you work quietly.

You were sprawled across his bed, papers and your textbook spread out around you haphazardly, your hair in your face, and your lip between your teeth as you worked your way through a discussion question for one of your history classes.

The rush of fondness for the scene wasn't new, but it wasn't something Kei had noticed until recently.

He had been realizing a lot of things recently, with the end of his high school years coming up quickly and life decisions that he needed to make.

And, he had realized this stupidly late, that you were making the same decisions, and that they might take you far away from him.

You had never been far from him. You, Tadashi, and Kei had all gone to middle school together, you had gone to high school together, but now you were parting ways.

Kei wasn't worried about the distance, they had train systems for a reason, but he was worried about the work load. You had a tendency to work yourself into a panic, and you procrastinated for as long as possible if he let you.

He was worried that you would get buried and forget about him.

It had been a strange thing to realize; that he didn't want you to forget about him. He had always counted you among the people he could tolerate for more than two hours at a time, but he had never thought of anything past that.

He regretted that now.

Because he couldn't place the feeling in his chest every time he thought about you not calling him every night when you should've been sleeping.

He couldn't place the feeling of knowing that you would be on another campus dealing with university by yourself. Sure, he and Tadashi were only one phone call away, but life happened sometimes.

He wasn't worried about you making friends, some poor extrovert would adopt you, or you would end up adopting some introvert you found in one of your classes, but that didn't mean that he wasn't worried about you in general.

"Kei?" you asked, drawing him out of his thoughts. "What's with the face? You're making the face you made when Noya pulled those moldy pea pods out of his locker at school."

Kei's face twisted at the memory and he shuddered unconsciously.

You laughed as you cleaned up his bed, smoothing out the covers and putting your stuff back in your bag.

"Okay, well, I finished what I needed to, so I'll be headed out."

"But-"

Kei clamped his mouth shut, wondering where the protest had come from. He had been doing that a lot lately, blurting out random things that had you giving him a concerned look.

"Unless you want me to stay a little while longer," you said, sinking back down onto his bed. "Kei, what's that matter? You've been acting weird lately and you're kind of scaring me."

"We're graduating this year," he muttered, moving to sit next to you.

"Yeah, it makes me nauseous just thinking about it," you agreed, turning to get a better look at his face. "Are you just now realizing this?"

"No, but I think it's just starting to sink in. We won't be together anymore."

"Come on Kei, you know you can't get rid of me and Tadashi that easily."

"I know that," he assured you. "But . . . I won't be there to make sure you aren't wrecking yourself. I won't be a physical presence making sure that you're eating and doing your fucking homework."

Kei winced at how cheesy he sounded, but he had been trying to get better at showing his actual emotions around his friends.

"I think that might be a good thing," you whispered, suddenly toying with your hands in your lap.

Kei whipped his head around to look you directly in the eye.

"Don't take that the wrong way Kei," you said, fidgeting. "I just . . . I've always sort of relied on you to keep me in check. To make sure that I was taking care of myself but . . . I need to be able to do it myself. I think that not having you around is going to make me more responsible for myself. I think this is going to be a good experience for all of us."

Kei mulled over that for a moment before he sighed.

"You're right, but that doesn't mean that I won't be worried about you."

"Tadashi and I will be worried about you too, Kei, it's what friends do."

Kei winced at the word friends, but you either didn't notice or ignored it.

"Kei, short of some weird 'your partner doesn't like me and you choose them over us' thing I don't think even death could make Tadashi and I stop being friends with you. So we might not see each other as much, but we'll make it work," you promised, taking his hand in yours for a moment. "Okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, okay," he said, squeezing your hand.

"Good. I'm still gonna head out though," you told him, taking your hand back and standing from the bed.

He watched as you walked towards the door, and then everything seemed to happen in slow motion.

He was leaping up from the bed and catching you by the wrist.

What am I doing? he thought vaguely to himself, especially when you turned with a baffled look on your face.

Between one blink and the next, his lips are on yours, and he's pushing you back against the wall, and arm around your waist to keep you steady and a hand braced against your head so you didn't bang it against the wall.

What am I doing? he thought harshly, tilting his head so he could kiss you better, harder.

You dropped your bag to the floor with a small thud, and he leaned back, the sound breaking him out of whatever spell he had just been put under.

His cheeks were hot, and now doubt a deep red, but he found he didn't really regret kissing you.

You were looking dazed, baffled, and a little breathless, though Kei suspected that he didn't look any better.

Kei was about to apologize, because there was some hurt emotion in your eyes, but you wrapped an arm around his neck, pulling him down so you could kiss him.

Kei's had been sudden, then when he'd realized what he was doing, a little nervous.

Your kiss was just desperate, like you were trying to force your body into his through sheer willpower.

You were open to him like he had said the magic words.

There was that hurt, sad emotion left though, peeking through in your movements.

"Hey," he croaked, pulling away enough that he could talk. He spoke his next words against your lips, despite how much he feared your answer. "What's the matter?"

Instead of answering him, you pressed your lips against his, angling it differently this time, and Kei couldn't help but melt into you, arm tight around your waist, one hand in your hair.

Kei pulled away first again, leaning his forehead against yours as you both panted, trying to catch your breaths.

"I . . . I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that," you whispered. "It's not fair to either of us."

"What are you talking about?" he asked, brushing his nose against yours.

"We're about to graduate, I don't have any of my shit together, and you don't even care about me like that," you said, and Kei could already tell that you were ready to give him a fifteen point presentation if he didn't stop you.

He kissed you before you could keep talking, noting that- despite what you had just said- you didn't pull away from him or push him away.

"How do you know?" he asked. "How do you know that I don't care about you like that?"

"You've never even given me a hint, Kei," you told him, looking embarrassed and ashamed. "And I overthink literally everything."

"Maybe I just figured it out," he countered.

"Or maybe you're full of shit and had small psychotic break in which you kissed me like a man about to disappear."

Kei gave you an unimpressed look and you pinched his arm lightly.

"Shut up. I just got kissed by a guy that I've had a crush on forever, my brain shut down for a second."

Your eyes widened after a moment, as your brain processed what you had said, and you groaned, attempting to slide down the wall to hide.

"Nope," he grunted, propping you completely against the wall so you couldn't hide from what you had just said. "You said it, no taking it back now babe."

"Don't make fun of me, jackass, it just slipped out. I never would've said it otherwise," you muttered, looking away from him.

"Hey," he said softly, taking your chin in his hand, trying to get you to look at him. "Hey," he repeated, a little harsher this time, taking your entire face in his hands.

He pressed his lips to yours again for a moment, before he pulled back and said, "I do care about you like that, (Y/F/N). And what we feel for each other is so much more than a crush and you know it."

You were looking confused again, and he gave you a few moments to process what he was saying.

"R-Really?" you asked hesitantly.

"Moron, of course," he mused affectionately, stroking his thumbs over your cheeks.

"You're serious? This isn't something you're going to regret in the morning?"

"I doubt I'll ever regret kissing you, (Y/F/N)," he affirmed.

You blinked, once, then broke out into a smile that could rival the sun.

You threw your arms around him, laughing.

He chuckled, wrapping his arms around your waist, burying his face in your neck.

"I love you," he whispered, clutching to you.

"I love you too," you told him.

Things may have been changing, and things might have been shifting, but nothing in the world could keep him away from you.

#tsukishima x reader #kei tsukishima #kei tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei x reader #tsukishima fluff #kei fluff #kei x reader #haikyuu tsukishima #haikyuu x reader #hq x reader

[riotgrlpossum]

*hands you motivation in a jar and pokes you to go write* Your writing is amazing and I can't wait to read more! I don't really know what prompts you're looking for but I'm always a sucker for Murphy siblings content :D Or dancing!Connor

this was going to be fluffy and then it like ultra was not. upside, i might continue it though and give it a happy ending later. also there’s dancing connor and murphy siblings soooo

(An Attempt To) Grab A Scoop

Connor Murphy x Evan Hansen (implied/set up), Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy being platonic best friends

Rating: T (swearing, angst)

Word Count: 1725

In the moments before he was murdered by Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen took a minute to exam all the mistakes that had lead him to this point. 

He could blame Zoe Murphy, for inviting him out with her after the Jazz Band concert. He’d had to interview Zoe after the concert for the school newspaper, and she’d invited him out for celebratory ice cream. He could blame Jared Kleinman, for being the reason he was at the Jazz Band concert in the first place. Evan wasn’t technically a reporter for the school newspaper, he wrote think pieces and occasionally helped out on the advice column. Jared was supposed to report on the Jazz Band concert, but he’d gotten sick and forced Evan to go. He could blame Alana Beck, for convincing him to join the school newspaper in the first place. He’d made the mistake of saying how his mom wanted him to join an extracurricular around Alana. She’d all but dragged him to the English classroom that served as the newspaper headquarters. He could blame his therapist, for telling his mom that he needed to join an extracurricular. He could blame his mom, for making him go to therapy. 

Or, he could blame himself, for being such a colossal fuck up that he worried his poor mother to the point that she needed to pay for him to go to therapy, even though she already was tight on money because she had to raise him all on her own, because his dad had left because Evan was just too much of burden, so really, this whole thing was Evan’s fault, and he’d been leading up to being killed by Connor Murphy since the day he was born. 

After she’d convinced Evan to get ice cream with her, Zoe had confessed that she’d needed to pick up her brother first. Connor had apparently texted her, saying he’d been working late and needed a ride. Zoe assured Evan that it wouldn’t be a big deal, and that she would just drop him off at their house, he didn’t have to actually come out with them, and please Evan, don’t let my brother ruin this, and Evan thought for a second that maybe, perfect, shining, talented Zoe Murphy was almost as lonely as he was; but then when they’d pulled into the parking lot, she’d gotten a phone call from her mother and sighed, mumbling that this would take a while, and will you please just run in and grab Connor? 

Evan, who had the inability to say no, nodded slightly and with shaking legs, exited Zoe’s tiny yellow bug, facing the frigid November air. He glanced across the dark parking lot to lay eyes on the building where Connor worked. 

“Ms. Marya’s Dance Academy.” 

Of all the places Evan had expected Connor to work, a dance studio had not even entered the realm of possibility. He walked slowly towards the flickering neon light, the outline of a petite girl in a bun and tutu accompanying the pink lettering. He pulled open the door to the studio, ringing a faint bell. There was no one at the reception counter, or in the waiting room. At the end of the hall, he heard the faint sounds of music. Evan walked towards the sounds, careful not to make any noise. He shivered at the sight of all of the darkened dance studios. The whole atmosphere was creepy, like something out of a low budget Youtube horror film. The hallway ended with an open door, leading to a brightly lit studio. 

Connor Murphy stood in the studio, dressed in a skin tight black leotard with his hair pulled into a tight bun. Pink pointe shoes wrapped up his legs. Vivaldi blasted from the speakers. His eyes were closed as he gracefully leaped off the ground, landing in an artful crouch that drew far too much attention to his long, graceful legs. Evan’s heart beat at an unexpectedly fast rate. He had never seen Connor so content. He had never realized how nimble and elegant he was. He was beautiful. 

Then his eyes snapped open and filled with his ten times his usual rage. He lunged at Evan, slamming him up against the wall, hand pulled back about to punch him. 

“Who the fuck are you? What the fuck are you doing here! I’ll fucking kill you!” It was in this moment that Evan realized everything in his life had been leading up to being murdered by Connor, and that it was all his own fault. If only he could be a normal fucking person, he wouldn’t be on the verge of brutalization via a stunningly attractive sociopath. 

“CONNOR!” Zoe’s voice bounced off the walls, angry and commanding. “What the fuck!?” 

Connor’s grip relaxed slightly, but his voice remained steely. “Who is this kid? Is he with you? Is this your idea of a fucking date night, Zoe. To bring your little boyfriend out to laugh at your crazy faggot brother who works at a dance studio?”

“No!” Zoe said. She sounded offended, and maybe a little bit sad, that her brother would think of her like that. Evan remembered how lonely she looked when she realized he was the only one who’d come to see her after her Jazz Band performance. 

“Then what the fuck are you doing here!?” 

Zoe was on the verge of tears. “You… you asked me to come pick you up,” She said, her voice shattered and broken. 

“I didn’t say you could bring a fucking date!” 

“He’s not my boyfriend! He’s my friend! I’m allowed to have friends, Connor! Maybe you’d be more used to it if you didn’t scare them all off!” 

Connor released Evan. “Fuck you,” He said to Zoe, though his voice lacked its usual vitriol. Evan scurried away from Connor. He met Zoe in the doorway. Her shoulders were slumped and her eyes were glassy. 

“I can take you home if you want,” She said, defeated. 

“No!” Evan said, even though all he wanted to do was go home. “We’re getting ice cream! To celebrate your performance!” 

Connor met up with them, a bag slung over his shoulder and a towel around his neck. His hair was down and his arms were crossed. He stared sullenly at his shoes, which were now heavy combat boots. “What performance?” He asked.

Zoe shoved her hands in her pockets. “I had a Jazz Band concert tonight…” She said, trying to sound casual. Connor stopped. He looked up, something undefinable in his eyes. 

“Oh,” He said. “What… what did Larry and Cynthia think?”

Zoe looked down. “They weren’t there.”

“Oh… Zoe I -”

“You don’t have to pretend you care, Connor. You weren’t there either.”

Sadness flickered across Connor’s profile, but before it could take any sort of hold, he shut his eyes and let his face harden. 

The three of them walked back to Zoe’s car in silence. Evan wondered if everyone else could hear his heart beating. He wished Zoe hadn’t parked so far away from the studio. It felt like the trek to her bug would take hours. 

Once they reached the car, Zoe silently slid into the front seat, slamming the door shut. Evan reached for the passenger seat door handle, but Connor grabbed his elbow and yanked it away, twisting Evan so that the two of them were uncomfortably close. Through the cold air, Evan could feel Connor’s body radiate heat. 

“I’m sorry,” Connor said, spitting the words out like they were made of acid. 

“Wha… um… what?” 

“I’m sorry for earlier. I was… I just… I’m not going to fucking say it again, Hansen.”

“H-How… you um… y-you know m-my name?” 

Connor’s scowl deepened. “Jesus Christ. Look, let’s just be done with this conversation. It is way too fucking cold out here for all of your… just… for you.” 

He released Evan, causing him to stumble back a bit. He needed to take a second to get his bearings. Connor had apologized. Connor knew his name. Connor’s eyes were two different colors. 

“And… Hansen?” Connor said, with his hand on the car door. His voice was quiet and bitter. “Thank you. For showing up. For her.”  

Evan opened his mouth to say something, but Connor quickly climbed in the car. Evan followed suit. 

The silence during the car ride to the Murphy house was heavy. Zoe pulled up in front of their obnoxiously large estate, and Connor climbed out wordlessly, slamming the door shut behind him. 

“I… Ice c-cream?” Evan asked weakly once he had gone. Zoe stared at him, and then burst into tears, resting her head on the steering wheel. 

“No one… no one came. My mom didn’t even… she called asking why I was out so late… I told them! I told them all over and over again but they were too busy screaming at him or about him to hear.” She sat up, and slammed her hand against the dashboard. “And he’s such a fucking asshole!” Her face was a mess of partially frozen tears and snot. “He asked me… I was just trying to be a good sister! I never miss his fucking dance recitals. Even if no one else comes, even when one of them was on the same night as homecoming… I don’t understand.” A fresh stream of tears fell down her face. “Why does he hate me so much?” 

There was so much that Evan wanted to say. He wanted to tell her that Connor didn’t hate her. He wanted to tell her what he’d said out in front of the dance studio. He wanted to tell her that she was so kind and so loving and no one in her shitty family deserved her, but instead he just sat there and watched her cry. After far too long of doing nothing, he reached over and wrapped his arms around her. She relaxed into his body, sighing at the touch. 

“I’m sorry…” She said, her voice garbled from crying. “I’m just gonna… I’m just gonna take you home. We’ll get ice cream soon though, alright? I promise.”

“O-Okay, Zoe,” Evan said, rubbing her back. “Soon.” He stared at the dark and imposing house, wondering what could go on behind its walls that it could produce two utterly different yet completely broken children.

#dear evan hansen #convan #tree bros #connor murphy #zoe murphy #evan hansen #my writing #it's past one am and i was high key procrastinating homework while writing this but i also kind of love it #kath speaks #kath shut up

[ddaengjo]

love me like you do ┊ hwang hyunjin

genre: best friends to lovers au, fluff, angst

pairing: reader x hyunjin

warnings: cursing, drinking, infinity war spoilers

summary: you had been best friends with hwang hyunjin since grade school. you both knew each other like the back of your hand, and you shared everything with one another. in fact, all your friends joked that you’d eventually get married, settle down, and have five kids. of course, the both of you just saw that as funny, since you were both currently dating other people. but that was before everything became a complete mess.

author’s note: this is my first fic! i hope you all like it, because i definitely enjoyed writing it. (p.s. ― i use all lowercase when not writing formally, but in all my writing pieces i make sure to capitalize and use proper grammar!)

You're the light, you’re the night You’re the color of my blood You’re the cure, you’re the pain You’re the only thing I wanna touch Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

It was the sound of your phone buzzing loudly that woke you up at 2:30 a.m., groggy and angry and ready to fight the world. You groped around your bedside table, trusting your fingers rather than your sleep-blurred eyesight ― considering you were already myopic to the point that you could barely see something three feet away without your glasses on, you could trade eyesight with a bat and still be better off at this early hour. After a long while of uncomfortable straining,  you finally sighed in victorious relief, your fingers closing around the smooth case of your phone. Dropping it onto your pillow beside you, you squinted at the bright screen, trying to adjust to the sudden burst of light in the dark room. You swiped your finger across the screen, unlocking it, and opened your texts to find new messages from your best friend, Hyunjin.

[2:30 a.m.]  Y/N Y/N Y/N

You groaned, rolling your eyes and falling back against the pillows, debating on whether to answer his text or just leave him on read. Your innate sense of compassion (Hyunjin always swore that you were nothing but Satan, while everyone else who WASN’T your best friend since grade school and DIDN’T clown you for a living always called you a sweetheart) won the battle, and you ended up answering. But that didn’t mean you were going to play nice.

[2:33 a.m.]  hwang hyunjin you better have a good reason for this because if i weren’t so fucking tired i’d punch you in your perfect teeth.

[2:38 a.m.]  aw good morning to you too 💖💖💖 i’ve been up all night trying to make a head or tail of this history project and it just makes NO SENSE UGH Y/N I NEED YOUR GENIUS INTELLECT RIGHT NOW AND RIGHT HERE

[2:42 a.m.]  i absolutely hate you and your procrastinating ass.

[2:43 a.m.]  says the queen of procrastinating herself 💀💀

[2:45 a.m.]  YOU WOKE ME UP AT 2:30 AM YOU ASSHOLE SO STOP CLOWNING ME OR I’M MUTING YOUR NOTIFS AND LEAVING YOU ON READ 💀💀

[2:47 a.m.]  FINE FINE JUST COME HELP ME

[2:48 a.m.]  i’m too lazy to get out of bed so i’m just gonna skype you. but dw, you’ll still feel the salt coming off me when i talk 😘😘

[2:50 a.m.]  y/n you beautiful wonderful human being i love you so much i’d throw myself under a truck for you.

[2:53 a.m.]  lmao don’t let minjoo hear you say that unless you want her to actually throw ME under a truck buddy 😉

You couldn’t help smiling; it was impossible for you to stay angry at someone as goofy and vibrant as Hyunjin, especially because you knew him so well and for so long. You didn’t really care that you were wearing just a strap-sleeved tank top and shorts, or that you had a bedhead; Hyunjin had seen you in far worse states, like when you were in the fourth grade and had the stomach flu for a month. That was bad. You closed your texts, opening Skype instead, and clicked the very first contact, waiting for Hyunjin to pick up your video call. He picked up right on the second ring, grinning ear to ear; he was wearing his  “I ❤️ NY” shirt, his favorite gray hoodie, and khaki shorts, not to mention the goofy smile he always wore when talking to you.

“How’s Satan doing today?” he joked immediately, his face lighting up at the sight of you. His eyes twinkled with mischief as you rolled your eyes.

“Just fine, thanks,” you grumbled. “As great as one could be at almost 3 o’clock in the morning, when even the BIRDS aren’t awake.”

“For all it counts, I think your hair seems to be doing great at almost 3 o’clock in the morning,” Hyunjin said sagely, nodding his head. “I mean, it’s hiding your devil’s horns really well, and it also doesn’t look like a mama bat had a mental breakdown while making her nest!”

“I hate you.”

Hyunjin pretended to clutch his heart, wounded, despite the grin still playing on his lips. “Aww, Y/N, now you’re just being cruel. You know you don’t mean that.”

As much as you hated to admit it, you knew he was right. And he knew, too, judging by his little smirk. Had you been sitting next to him in person, you’d have thrown a pillow at him by this time.

“All right, what is it you don’t understand?” you asked, rolling your eyes yet again.

“Everything!”

You swallowed the urge to groan loudly. This was going to be one long, long night.

You're the fear, I don't care 'Cause I've never been so high Follow me to the dark Let me take you past our satellites You can see the world you brought to life, to life

You managed to get three hours of sleep that night, thanks to your dumbass of a best friend. He owed you big-time, you thought, sipping your coffee through pursed lips while glaring balefully out the window as you waited for him to show up at your house. You both had walked to school together since you were eight and he was nine; you weren’t planning on stopping that even when you were in college, since you were both hoping to major in some form of art ― he in photography, you in writing ― and attend the same university.

It was 7:30 a.m. when Hyunjin came jogging breathlessly up your driveway and let himself in using the spare key you’d given him. You had half an hour to kill before your bus arrived, so you’d not only made yourself coffee, you’d set a mug on the table for Hyunjin as well. He took it gratefully, crossing the kitchen in a few large strides ― he was a literal ten inches taller than you, with his 5’10” towering over your 5’0” ― to join you by the counter, where he wrapped an arm around your shoulders. To anyone else, it seemed as if you were both dating, but it to you both, it was merely just a gesture of affection between two old friends.

“So, Bigfoot, you took your sweet time getting here,” you commented dryly, looking him up and down with a wry little smirk. Your smile fading, you sipped your slowly cooling coffee and added, “All jokes aside, though, you look God-awful.”

“Thanks.”

“Your dark circles make it look as if you got punched in the eyes by an angry jack-in-the-box, and you’re looking pretty pale in the face,” you said bluntly, shaking your head. “Hyunjinnie, you’re driving yourself crazy. When you’re not staying up late for music lessons and photography projects, you’re staying up late doing your homework. You have to get more sleep.”

“Yeah, about that…” He ran a hand through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck absently as his eyes met yours. He guided you over to the couch, sinking into the seat next to you as he continued. “I’m sorry about last night. I know you didn't get much sleep because of me. So, to make it up to you, I called Minjoo and Yongwoon up, and we’re doing a movie night double date at my place. My treat.”

Hyunjin was so considerate. That was one thing that made you love him so much ― he didn’t just throw some fake apology at you and forget about it; he tried to make it up to you in full. He was like that with you, with his girlfriend, with your boyfriend, everyone.

As soon as the wall clock read that it was 8:00, you grabbed Hyunjin’s hand, practically hauling him out of the house as he chuckled, trying to keep pace with you. “Relax, Y/N, the bus is never early!”

“I know, but Yongwoon is!” you panted, skidding to a halt at your bus stop, where your boyfriend was waiting as usual, one hand in his tousled black hair. “Hey, Yong!”

“Y/N! You’re early!” He exclaimed; you caught sight of the odd expression that flitted across his face and realized that you were still holding Hyunjin’s hand. You let go of your best friend’s hand, seeing his girlfriend, Minjoo, standing a little distance away; Hyunjin fist-bumped you as he passed you, greeting his girlfriend with a brief peck on the lips. You turned to your own significant other, who pressed his lips to yours for a moment before asking, a little edgily, “Why were you holding Hyunjin’s hand? Y/N… do you like him?”

There was a long breath of silence after his words. Finally, you began to laugh ― not at him, but because you found his question funny. “Sorry ― sorry, Yong, that was just really funny. Babe, Hyunjin and I are just really good friends. We’ve known each other since our sandbox days! Things like holding hands and hanging out a lot are just… things we’ve been doing for a really, really long time. But it doesn’t change anything for us. We’ve been doing this for over a year, and I love you just the same, see?” You kissed him again, and this time he had no complaints.

As soon as the bus arrived, you scrambled to reserve the back row for yourself, Yongwoon, Hyunjin, and Minjoo; you’d all sat there as a group since freshman year. As usual, you slid into your window seat, with Hyunjin dropping into the one next to yours, as Minjoo and Yongwoon dropped into the seat across the aisle. You didn’t see the look that passed between his girlfriend and your boyfriend because you were too busy looking over Hyunjin’s paper and making small revisions, which were mainly just grammatical errors, since the majority of your cramming session had been last night.

“I think this is good,” you said finally, as the school came into view. The smile Hyunjin gave you was definitely worth all the grumblings and lost sleep; you loved the way his eyes sparkled and crinkled at the corners when he smiled, the way his dimples deepened, and it had been your personal goal since day one of your friendship, when he’d fallen in the sandbox and you’d helped him up, to never let him lose that smile. You were the one who was a year younger than him, but you were also the more protective one in the friendship. It was something people often teased you about, calling you a mother hen, but you wore the title proudly. You were indeed a mother hen when it came to your best friend.

Your first class was history, which you and Hyunjin had together; Yongwoon had psychology, while Minjoo had English, so you waved goodbye, promising to save them seats at lunch. Hyunjin blew an exaggerated kiss at Minjoo, who giggled as you punched him in the shoulder, pretending to gag. “Ugh, look who decided to become Romeo all of a sudden! Come on, lover boy, or we’re gonna be late for class, and I’ll get my first detention because of you.”

“I don’t want to spend the rest of my days in purgatory, if you please, ma’am, so on we go,” Hyunjin said very seriously, earning himself another punch from you. “Ow! You’re short, but you punch like a sumo wrestler! What, did you absorb the soul of a wrestler you reaped, Satan?”

“Ha ha ha, very funny,” you grumbled, sinking into your seat at the back table, across from Hyunjin, right as the bell rang. “I’ll reap your soul if you don’t shut up.”

Even as the lesson went on, you spent the class passing notes and doodling all over each other’s papers, sometimes laughing so hard your teacher, a well-dressed brunette in her early thirties, had to frown in your direction, her finger pressed against her lips in a signal of silence.

That was how every day was, with you both ― it was just you and him. You were the planets; everyone else was just a satellite. You were a technicolor movie; they were just the audience. You and Hyunjin were the world; they were just outer space.

So love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do What are you waiting for?

It was on the bus home that you succumbed to the sleep that had been haunting your eyelids since the morning’s coffee had worn off mid-math class. One minute you were arguing with Hyunjin over whether milk or cereal came first (you argued milk, having gotten that habit from your parents, while Hyunjin argued that it was cereal), the next you had nodded off, your petite head on his broad shoulder.

When you came to, it was in a familiar room with soft blue walls and GOT7 posters all over the wall. You sat up, squinting slightly at the pale, watery orange sunlight streaming through the window; the translucent chartreuse curtains were slightly open, showing a rapidly darkening sunset sky in the prettiest pastel shades of blue, pink, and purple. You yawned, stretching your arms, and glanced down; you were still wearing your school clothes, which were now a bit rumpled because you’d slept in them.

“Sleep well, Sleeping Beauty?” You turned your head to see Hyunjin smiling at you from where he sat working at his desk, which was a sea of scattered papers. His glasses reflected a bit of the screen of his laptop and a bit of the sunset, which didn’t seem like a beautiful combination, but somehow, he made it work. He only wore his glasses at home unless he was out of contacts to use, in which case you’d see him wear his glasses to school for about a week before going back to wearing contacts; you stuck with your glasses at all times, mainly because for one, you were terrified of putting something in your eye, and for two, you had awful bags under your eyes, which your glasses did a good job hiding ― or at least keeping anyone from noticing.

You stretched again, comfortable after a few hours of rest. “You bet I did. Like a baby, in fact. How long was I out?”

“It’s 6:05 ― you can do the math.” You could hear the smile in his voice as you took a moment to decipher his words. Then your eyes widened. “I SLEPT FOR THREE HOURS?”

“Don’t worry, you haven’t missed movie night,” Hyunjin promised. “We still have an hour till Minjoo and Yongwoon are supposed to arrive. Do you want to get changed? Maybe take a shower to freshen up?”

“Yeah ― yeah, sounds great,” you said, stretching one last time before swinging your legs out from under the covers, so that you were now sitting on the edge of his bed. “All my stuff is next door, though.”

“You can grab some clothes from my closet,” he offered, smiling in your direction. “Just like when we were kids and your parents were out.”

You got up, shaking out your legs to get some feeling back into them, and opened his closet, choosing a purple tie-dye t-shirt. “I’m wearing shorts under my skirt, anyway, so I’ll just wear this over those,” you explained, and Hyunjin nodded.

The warm water felt like a liquid hug; you spent twenty minutes under the shower before deciding you didn’t want to turn into a living prune. You found, upon wearing it, that Hyunjin’s shirt went to your knees, but what did it matter? It was cozy. You blow-dried your hair, which took another twenty minutes, before pulling it into a loose bun and glancing at the time in your watch ― 6:50 p.m., which meant Minjoo and Yongwoon would be here soon. You noticed that the light in Hyunjin’s room was now off; he must be downstairs, you realized, so you descended the stairs, knowing from the rising aroma of hot chocolate that you’d find him in the kitchen. He glanced up at the sound of your footsteps, his face lighting up with a smile as his eyes fell on you. “You look adorable. Purple is definitely your color.”

“And you look suspicious. Who are you and what have you done with Hwang Hyunjin?” you snorted, amused. “I was expecting you to clown me for how big this shirt looks on me.”

He chuckled, turning back to the stove for a moment before placing a snowflake-printed mug on the counter in front of you. “Hot cocoa?”

“Thanks!” You took the mug gratefully, blowing on the steaming liquid for a few minutes before taking a sip, appreciating the feeling of the chocolatey, sugary sweetness, mixed with a hint of cinnamon and the creaminess of whipped cream, sliding down your throat. You had just taken another sip when the doorbell rang, prompting you to move towards the door, the hot cocoa mug still in your hand. You opened it to find Yongwoon, holding a bouquet of red roses.

“Hey! You’re…” You glanced at your watch, which read that it was 6:55 p.m. “...Five minutes early! Oh my gosh, are those for me?”

“Yes, they are!” He handed you the bouquet, grinning ear to ear, until his eyes took in what you were wearing. His smile faded slightly as he added, “Is that one of Hyunjin’s, Y/N?”

“Wha ― oh, yeah ― yeah, it is,” you said, a little surprised by the question.

“She fell asleep on the bus,” Hyunjin explained, “and since she lost sleep because of me, I felt bad waking her up. So I just carried her here and let her rest up in my room while I did my homework. When she woke up, she wanted to shower, and we realized she didn’t have a change of clothes, so I let her borrow one of my shirts.”

“I see.” Yongwoon’s lips had tightened considerably at this, but he didn’t say anything. In fact, he didn’t say anything till Minjoo arrived, about fifteen minutes after him; it was just you and Hyunjin chattering away over your hot cocoa until that time.

By the time she’d arrived, Hyunjin had gotten a huge bucket of buttered popcorn ready. He had four cushions ready on the ground for everyone, but you didn’t need your cushion; you just sat down in front of Hyunjin, your head in his lap, as you grabbed a handful of popcorn, munching contentedly as your boyfriend and his girlfriend came to join you on either side. Yongwoon imitated you, grabbing his own handful of the buttery, salty popcorn, while Minjoo was more refined, choosing to take the occasional two pieces of popcorn from time to time.

“What do you guys want to watch?” Hyunjin asked, wrapping an arm around your shoulders as he leaned back, propping himself up with one elbow.

“American Horror Story,” Yongwoon volunteered immediately, earning himself identical protests from you, Hyunjin, and Minjoo. He conceded defeat, grumbling to himself before falling silent and waiting for one of you to make a choice.

“Titanic?” Minjoo suggested, earning herself a loud yawn from Yongwoon and an identical groan of rejection from yourself and Hyunjin. Her expression became a sulky one, which made all three of you laugh.

“Avengers: Infinity War?” you suggested. Hyunjin nodded enthusiastically; you two were pretty much the biggest Marvel nerds around.

“Are you sure you’re not going to soak my sleeve in tears again?” Hyunjin asked teasingly. “Remember last time, when you were bawling so hard I was afraid I’d have to pull a Noah and ark my way outta there?”

You turned and sat up to glare at him, indignant. “You were crying, too!”

He blushed, ducking his head in embarrassment. “Okay, okay, fair point. Any objections?”

Minjoo was too sulky to say anything, while Yongwoon was just too whipped for you to say a word against your wishes.

“All right! Infinity War it is,” Hyunjin declared, pulling you more closely into his lap before positioning himself comfortably, half sitting and half lying against his cushion as he tossed some more popcorn into his mouth, searching through Amazon Prime Video till he found it. Then he hit play, wrapped one arm around you, and sat back to enjoy the movie.

Fading in, fading out On the edge of paradise Every inch of your skin is a holy gray I've got to find Only you can set my heart on fire, on fire Yeah, I'll let you set the pace 'Cause I'm not thinking straight My head spinning around I can't see clear no more What are you waiting for?

Two hours and forty minutes later, you and Hyunjin were clinging to each other and sobbing your eyes out, your shoulders a mess of each other’s tears, snot, and drool. It would have been disgusting if this weren’t your usual movie-watching ritual ― you two were the sensitive ones, and if anything remotely sad were to happen in a movie, the room would be flooded within the next five minutes as you clung to each other and wept as if your hearts would break.

“I thought you said you’d be okay this time,” Hyunjin sobbed, wiping his eyes on the hem of his sleeve as he crushed you in a hug.

“I’m never emotionally prepared enough for that movie,” you sobbed back, mimicking him and wiping your eyes on the edge of your sleeve ― or at least trying to as best you could through his bone-crushingly tight embrace.

On your left, Minjoo was just staring blankly at the screen as if not sure of what to do in terms of a reaction, while Yongwoon, on your right, had his lips pursed and his fists clenched. “Damned Marvel,” he growled, shaking his fist. “Killing off Black Panther like that… that’s not fair.”

“Groot had such a bright future ahead of him,” Hyunjin hiccuped miserably, reaching for the popcorn, which was running dangerously low.

“I agree,” you sniffled. “Man, Bucky never deserves the shit he gets. He was captured by the Nazis, fell off a mountain, lost an arm, got frozen and experimented on by HYDRA, became their brainwashed puppet, killed a bunch of people, accidentally tore apart the Avengers, got frozen over again, and then right when he was spending a peaceful time in Wakanda he got drawn into the fighting and then h-he just goes ‘Steve…’ and fades away and just...” You broke down again, prompting a wince from Yongwoon and an eye roll from Minjoo.

“I know,” Hyunjin lamented, patting your back reassuringly. “Well… that was fun, right?”

“Right,” Yongwoon said unconvincingly, his eyes narrowing slightly at the sight of Hyunjin’s strong arms drawing you more tightly into an embrace. You two had been nothing but skinship since the beginning of the evening ― or, if you counted the hand-holding in the morning, since the beginning of the day ― and he was beginning to feel a bit threatened by the boy you called your closest friend. He felt threatened, jealous, every time your fingers tangled together, every time your eyes met, every time you laughed at something he said, every time you gazed at him as if he was the only boy in the world. It was getting harder and harder for him to believe you every time you declared yourself and Hyunjin “just friends”.

He didn’t like it at all.

Minjoo smiled thinly, her smile not quite meeting her movie-star eyes with their perfectly done makeup. “It was lovely.”

She, too, felt a surge of wicked jealousy every time you and Hyunjin were together. It hadn’t bothered her as much at first, but now, it was almost all she thought about. The way he smiled at you, as if there was nothing and no one more important. The way he always jumped to choose you anytime anything ― a game, a project, anything at all ― involved a partner. The way he didn’t seem to care when you saw him in his glasses, but almost always avoided wearing them around her. The way he always chose yours whenever he needed a shoulder to cry into.

The way he felt so distant from her, even if he was next to her, and yet so close to you, even when you were apart.

And she hated it.

As Yongwoon left, he turned to press his lips against yours for a long moment, the intensity almost double that of any normal kiss of yours. He stole a glance at Hyunjin, who simply smiled a bright smile at him before brushing Minjoo’s lips with his and waving goodbye as she left. “I love you, Y/N,” he whispered, stepping out into the night.

“Hey, Y/N, want to stay over for the night?” Hyunjin asked. You smiled apologetically. “Nah, I wish I could, but Mom and Dad are going to video call to check in with me in about half an hour. I have to make dinner before getting started on my homework.”

“I could join you,” Hyunjin offered, his eyes lighting up. “And, to make up for last night, I can help you with homework today!”

“Hwang Hyunjin, you legend, you’re so amazing that I could 10/10 kiss you,” you declared.

He laughed, rumpling your hair gently. “You already did once, remember? Spin the bottle, seventh grade. You were my first kiss, Y/N!”

“Oh, yeah! That girl from the classroom next door, the one who kept ogling at you, looked like she was ready to pee herself!” you snickered, choking on your own laughter and erupting in a fit of coughing that left tears in your eyes; Hyunjin rubbed circles on your back soothingly, hoping to ease the coughs. Once he deemed it safe to leave your side, he hurried back into the kitchen to grab you a glass of water, which you took and gulped down gratefully. “Thanks, Hyunjinnie.”

“Don’t worry about it. And be more careful,” he scolded, earning an amused eye roll from you.

“See you tomorrow? Noon at that bubble tea place down the block?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Good night, Hyunjinnie.”

As you left, he watched you, his fingers tingling where yours had been resting against them just a moment earlier, realizing how much you’d grown up… and wondering how he’d grown lucky enough to have you by his side during all these years.

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do What are you waiting for?

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (like you do) Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (yeah) Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do What are you waiting for?

He didn’t fail to meet you the next day ― in fact, he was early, waiting for you at an outdoor table as you arrived, wearing a mint-green hoodie and black yoga pants, your hair tied back in a neat ponytail.

“Hey, Sasquatch,” you called jokingly, and his glance snapped up from his phone to you, his eyes brightening and the corners of his full, rich coral-pink lips tugging themselves upwards into a bright grin.

“Y/N! Nice hoodie, the color suits you,” he exclaimed, tilting his head slightly to the side as he added, “is it new? I’ve never seen you wear it before.”

“Yeah, I bought it last week,” you said, feeling a rush of warmth rise in your chest at the fact that he’d noticed that small detail. He really did pay attention to everything.

“I love the color. Does it come in men’s?”

“Not sure. I’ll check, though ― we can go together, sometime tonight or tomorrow.”

“Sounds like a plan!” he declared, then glanced at the menu card in front of him. “I’m guessing you want your usual coconut milk tea, Y/N?”

“Yep, that’s me. Boring and predictable, like the old granny I am at heart,” you quipped, earning yourself another laugh from your companion.

“Predictable, maybe, since I’ve known you for so long,” Hyunjin agreed. “But boring? No way. You could never be boring, Y/N, no matter how long I’ve known you.”

You felt the color rising in your cheeks as you flushed pleasurably at your best friend’s compliment, which meant a lot more to you than he could imagine. “You’re sweet.”

His grin melted your heart as you grabbed the menu. “Let me guess ― you want the watermelon bubble tea. Again.”

“Why, Y/N,” Hyunjin gasped mockingly, his eyes widening, “however did you know?”

“Gee, I don’t know,” you said sarcastically, shrugging. “Maybe because you decided to even dress like a freaking watermelon for Halloween? And because you completely weeded that bag of Dum-Dums ― the one you were supposed to be handing out to the trick-or-treaters ― of watermelon lollipops? I could hear the kids complaining all the way down the street!”

“Okay, okay, Y/N,” he admitted, going red in the face. “You… kind of have a point there.”

You sat back with a triumphant smirk, which earned a grin from Hyunjin; within the minute, you both had begun to laugh hopelessly, till tears of mirth gathered themselves in both of your eyes and your sides ached with laughter.

After you’d both gotten your bubble teas, you sat for a while in silence. But it wasn’t the awkward silence that needed an ice-breaker; it was a comfortable silence, where neither of you needed to say anything to enjoy the moment spent in the other’s company.

You were the one who finally broke the silence. “Hey, Hyunjinnie, do you want to try a sip of my bubble tea? I realize, in all the times we’ve come here, you’ve never tried the coconut milk tea, while I’ve never tried the watermelon tea.”

“Sounds fun!” Hyunjin unhesitatingly leaned over, his cheek brushing against yours, as he took a sip from your straw, letting the new flavor soak onto his tongue for a moment before nodding his approval, his eyes lighting up. “Holy moly ― this is good! You have good taste, Y/N!”

You smirked at him before leaning across the table to take a sip of his drink, the watermelon flavor coating your tongue and cooling your throat as you swallowed. “Heck, I could say the same for you, Hyunjin! You might just have passed your obsession with all things watermelon on to me!”

It was a perfect moment, just you and him, peacefully enjoying each other’s company… till the sound of soft sobbing drew your attention away from Hyunjin. Your eyes scanned the bubble tea café till they found the source of the sound.

Minjoo.

And judging by the tears pouring down her face, she’d seen everything.

The color drained from Hyunjin’s face as he jumped up, practically knocking the umbrella off the table as he tried to make his way towards Minjoo, who heaved a sob and took a step back.

“Minjoo!” he yelled. “Minjoo, wait!”

“Minjoo!” You joined him, calling your friend’s name. “Minjoo, it’s not what it looks like!”

“Shit,” Hyunjin muttered. “I’ll… I’ll be back. I’m sorry to cut our outing short, Y/N, but...”

“Go,” you said grimly, your heart hammering with dread as you watched your best friend take off after his girlfriend, only hoping that things would turn out okay.

I'll let you set the pace 'Cause I'm not thinking straight My head spinning around I can't see clear no more What are you waiting for?

This time, when you woke up at 3:00 a.m., it wasn’t because of your phone, which had remained painfully silent all evening, save for a single text from your boyfriend, asking if you were free for a date that night. You’d declined his offer, sick with worry for your best friend’s predicament. He and Minjoo didn’t ever quarrel, and yet, the last you’d seen them, Minjoo was shouting at him, tears rolling down her cheeks, while he pleaded for her understanding.

Icy fear bubbled in your stomach as you lay awake against the pillows; the room felt uncharacteristically cold. You sighed, finally deciding there was no way you could get to sleep with so much worry gnawing at your mind ― maybe a midnight snack would help. You slid out from under the bedcovers, shivering as the cold air touched your bare legs ― you were just wearing shorts and a t-shirt ― and went downstairs into the kitchen, where you rummaged through the refrigerator and pantry, finding absolutely nothing that fit your cravings. You stretched, going to change clothes into a pink hoodie and black leggings, pulling your hair into a messy ponytail before grabbing your purse, pulling your car keys from them as you went outside into the driveway, opening the door and getting into your car. You started up the engine, waiting for a few moments as the heater warmed the inside, before reversing out of the driveway and beginning the fifteen-minute drive to the local Lotte.

The classical music playing over the stereo did nothing to ease your nagging worry, and all the way there, nausea roiled in your stomach like a vat of acid. You arrived in the parking lot of the supermarket, locking your car before entering the store and going straight to the dairy aisle, grabbing yourself five small bottles of your favorite brand of strawberry milk and paying for them quickly before hurrying outside again, the cover on your arm. You got back into your car, slamming the door shut, and left the parking lot, embarking on your return journey. About five minutes had passed when you suddenly screeched to a halt, pulling over abruptly, the color draining from your face.

A tall figure was staggering around on the curb, a bottle in hand. A very familiar tall figure. Your blood turned to ice as you recognized Hyunjin.

You’d never seen him drunk like this. Come to mention it, you’d never even seen him touch any remotely alcoholic beverage. You got out of your car, your heart pounding more wildly than it had ever pounded in your life, running to meet the boy with a tight hug.

“Hyunjin!” you cried, mingled pain and relief in your tone as you crushed him in a hug, aware that you were shaking from head to toe ― whether it was with anger or fear, you weren’t sure. Probably a mix of both, to be honest.

“Hey… hey, Y/N,” Hyunjin slurred unsteadily, staggering and practically half collapsing on you, leaving you struggling for a minute with the task of supporting his larger weight. He smiled an unfocused smile down at you, wiping the wetness from his eyes. “Whatcha doin’ awake at this late hour, Y/N?”

“I could ask you the same,” you said anxiously, your pulse thrumming with worry. “What happened to you? I’ve never seen you drink before, and suddenly you’re holding a beer bottle and rambling around, punch-drunk, on the streets at…” You glanced at your watch. “...3:15 a.m. Hyunjin, what the fuck is going on here? Where were you? Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

“Minjoo broke up with me.” The boy’s voice was slurred with drinking, his balance completely off-kilter; he sank against you, his tears wetting the collar of your hoodie. “She left me, Y/N. She said she was done, that we were over.”

You were aware that you, too, were crying: crying for the horrible state you’d found your best friend in, for the blame you were allotting to yourself ― crying, mostly, because Hyunjin was crying, and his tears hurt worse than anything.

“Hyunjin,” you whispered, sinking to your knees and letting the male sag against you, his head nestling into your shoulder as he hiccuped and cried as if his heart would break ― which it already had, that night. You wrapped your arms around him, rubbing his back soothingly as he cried it all out, till he had no tears left in him to cry, numb at last.

“Come on,” you murmured, guiding an unprotesting Hyunjin into your car, helping him buckle himself into the passenger seat as you drove home, the quiet classical music and the feeling of your sleeping best friend’s head on your shoulder giving you an odd tingling feeling.

Once you got home, you gently shook Hyunjin awake, letting him use you as a support for his terrible balance. He didn’t shake you off, letting you guide him upstairs and into your room, where you let him grab a change of clothes (you left the room while he changed, coming back in as soon as he gave you the thumbs-up) before collapsing onto your bed. You would have let him use the guest room, but, truth be told, you wanted to keep your eye on him, too scared that he’d do something stupid again. So you went into the bathroom, changing into your typical t-shirt and shorts, before collapsing on the bed beside him, exhausted from the day’s events.

“Y/N?” You couldn’t stop the tear that slipped down your cheek at the sound of Hyunjin’s tired voice, which sounded less slurred and more… him. He scooted towards you, gently tugging your shoulder so you were now facing him, and brushed the tear from your lashes, wiping away the glittering trail the tear had left on your skin.

“Y/N, I’m sorry,” he whispered, wrapping his arms tightly around you, an embrace you returned with just as much fervor. “I’m really, really sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” you choked out, the guilt overpowering you. “It’s my fault Minjoo broke up with you. She didn’t like how much time we spent together.”

Hyunjin shook his head. “No, Y/N, this is not your fault. I should have been clearer with her, and anyway...” He hesitated, continuing, “...Maybe it’s not all bad.”

Your eyes widened with surprise. “What?”

Hyunjin flushed slightly. “This might just be the alcohol talking, Y/N… I don’t know anymore. But when you were holding me on the curb, I could feel you shaking. I could hear you crying. And I was getting my snot and drool and tears all over you, and by that time, you probably reeked of alcohol as much as I did. But you still held me. Minjoo… probably wouldn’t have.”

“Come on, I’m sure she―”

“No, Y/N,” Hyunjin interrupted, shaking his head vehemently. “The one time when you were on that family trip in France and I caught the flu, Minjoo came over. She took care of me, but… but I could see the disgust in her eyes every time she saw me throw up or cough up mucus. The one time I cried into her shoulder, she immediately went to change clothes. She’s only there in my highs, Y/N, but you’ve been there all the time. She only knows the happy Hyunjin, but you know the real Hwang Hyunjin.”

“Hyunjin...” Your voice trailed off for a long moment before you managed, “What do you mean?”

“I mean...” Hyunjin took your hands in his larger ones, hesitating for a while before answering, “I mean… or, at least, I think I mean… that in a way, it’s always been you. This was just the universe’s way of showing me. I know I make zero sense, but...”

“No,” you said slowly, his words taking a moment to register. “No, I… I kind of get what you mean.”

Suddenly, it all made sense.

Why Hyunjin and your kiss, all those years ago, had seemed better and more full of life than any that you’d shared with your boyfriend.

Why the first person you called up whenever you found yourself free ― or needed to spill some news ― was Hyunjin, not your own boyfriend.

Why, even if you were spending the entire day out with your boyfriend, you had to steal into the bathrooms at least once to hear Hyunjin’s voice on the phone for at least five minutes.

Why skinship with Hyunjin felt so much natural and easier than skinship with Yongwoon.

Why everyone naturally assumed you two were a couple.

Maybe it was because deep down, that was what you were ― the only difference was that you’d both labeled the feeling as the wrong one, assuming that you were just best friends and remaining oblivious not only to the other’s feelings, but to your own.

“Hyunjin… I’ve spent so many days wondering why none of the kisses I’ve shared with Yongwoon have even come close to matching the one we shared in the seventh grade,” you admitted. “I guess it’s because they were missing the one key ingredient: spark. I won’t deny that I really like Yongwoon ― or, at least, I did, at the beginning ― but he’s just… not right for me, and I’m shocked it took this long for me to realize. He was always trying to steal me away from you, keep you away when we were both together, while you were always ready to share me with him… all to keep me happy.”

“Y/N...” Before you knew it, Hyunjin was leaning closer, and so were you, and you didn’t know how it happened, but suddenly, your lips were pressed against his, and there it was, that spark, the one you hadn’t felt against your lips for five years.

As you both pulled away, you realized the words didn’t need to be said ― the kiss had spoken volumes more than those three simple words. That was the lovely thing about gestures ― they could explain things in ways much more nuanced than even a dictionary.

That night, you fell asleep in Hyunjin’s arms, your legs tangled with his, your heartbeats synchronizing.

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (like you do) Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (yeah) Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do What are you waiting for?

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (like you do) Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (yeah) Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do What are you waiting for?

You woke up to the warm sunlight filtering through your window; that was, by far, the most peaceful sleep you’d gotten in the last few days. You stretched, yawning appreciatively, before your eyes fell on the still-sleeping form of Hwang Hyunjin beside you. You smiled fondly, pressing a kiss to his forehead ― he stirred slightly, the corners of his lips quirking upwards ever so slightly ― before slipping out from under the bedcovers, going downstairs to make yourself and Hyunjin some coffee. Right as you’d finished pouring the two mugs, your doorbell rang; you went to open the door, your mug of coffee in hand, and saw Yongwoon standing there, smiling a little sheepishly. “Oh. Hey.”

“I was worried about you,” Yongwoon said, launching right into it with no prior greeting. “You haven’t been yourself lately ― you keep refusing dates, you don’t answer my texts quickly ― I’m worried about you, Y/N.”

Footsteps made you both turn around; Hyunjin was coming downstairs, looking tired but much refreshed after having showered and changed clothes. His smile made your breath hitch; it was funny how liking someone made them even more attractive in your eyes, because before, you’d been able to notice how pretty his smile was, but now, it was as if you’d forgotten, or never fully appreciated, how breathtakingly stunning it was.

Yongwoon’s smile had faded, and he was studying Hyunjin with a frown, furrowing his brow. “Why is he here, Y/N?”

“He stayed the night. He wasn’t… feeling the best, so I thought it best if I took care of him.” Your tone made it clear you weren’t taking any arguments, which simply made your boyfriend even more uneasy.

“I don’t like it,” he said abruptly. “I don’t like it at all, Y/N. I know you call him your ‘best friend’, but as your boyfriend, I don’t like the idea of you being home alone with another guy. I won’t let you―”

“Let me? Let me?” Your eyes widened with incredulity; the anger that burned in their depths caused him to take a step back, surprised. “I only meant―”

“No, I’ve heard enough,” you decided. “You sound like my grandpa. My annoying, patriarchal grandpa.”

“Y/N―”

“This isn’t working.”

He froze, staring at you for some hint that this was just a joke, maybe a very, very early April Fools’ prank. When he saw nothing except seriousness on your face, he managed, blankly, “Y/N, I―”

“Look. Don’t get me wrong, there was a point where I really, really liked you. But that was before I realized, whatever else we had, there was no spark.”

“Y/N!” he protested, taking a step towards you. You took a step back, shaking your head quite calmly ― you didn’t know where all this calmness was coming from, but you were glad for it.

“I want you to be happy,” you said finally. “I don’t think I’m the answer to that. And I don’t think you’re my answer, either. I’m doing this for the both of us. It’d be nice if we could stay friends, but… that’s up to you.”

Yongwoon looked from Hyunjin to you, the realization dawning in his eyes, which flared with anger. He shook his head, simply leaving the house; after a moment, he turned around, pausing, his eyes slightly wet with the reality that he wasn’t yours anymore ― and hadn’t been, for a while. “I don’t know about that, Y/N.”

You hesitated for a long, long while. “Bye, Yongwoon.”

“Bye, Y/N.”

As soon as he’d left, the tears spilled out; now, it was Hyunjin’s turn to hold you as you cried against him, your tears soaking through the thin fabric of his white t-shirt as he guided you to the couch, his arms tight and warm around you as he held you till you couldn’t cry anymore.

“Thanks, Hyunjinnie,” you whispered, looking up gratefully at him. He brushed away your tears, smiling that signature fond smile he reserved only for you, and placed a warm, soft kiss on your forehead, sending that tingling feeling flooding through your body.

And as the first snow of the year began to fall, outside, you wrapped your arms around his neck, your lips meeting his in a burst of warmth.

“I love you, Hyunjin.”

“I love you more, Y/N.”

“No! Stop that, I love YOU more!”

“Y/N! Gah, stop tickling me! I love you most!”

“Surrender already! You know I love you more than most.”

“Yes… yes, I do.”

#stray kids #skz #stray kids fic #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin #hyunjin fic #hwang hyunjin fic #angst #fluff #best friends to lovers #anki writes

[caffeinestudyingg]

Updated About Me

I did this tag when I was a junior in high school and considering it has been about three years I thought I’d do a bit of an update.... not that anyone asked ha! 

What year are you? College Sophomore 

If applicable, what is your thesis about? N/A

Do you think you picked the right major? I really hope so, I just made some changes so we might find out in the spring.

Ultimate educational goals? Probably get my masters and return as a professor or lesson instructor in schools.

Career goals? Teacher, Professor, Lesson instructor, Pianist... really anything that lets me use my degrees and feel fulfilled?

Do you think your goals are realistic? These might be but only time will tell.

What classes are you taking right now? Oh boy here comes a long list: Music Theory III, Aural Skills III, Women in Classical Music History, University Singers Choir, Women’s Choir, Disney Lyric Choir, Schola Chamber Choir, Piano Lessons, Philosophy, Theatre History, and Theatrical Design.

Favorite class out of everything you’ve ever taken and why? Maybe AP Music Theory in high school because my teacher was so spectacular or Aural Skills in college because our class dynamic is laughable

Least favorite class ever and why? The 8 am history course I took first semester because it was way too early to learn that much about Europe in the early 1400s.

Current favorite class and why? None of these have started yet but I am very much looking forward to getting back into my piano lessons!

Current least favorite class and why? I am not entirely looking forward to Philosophy because it is going to take more prep and thought than courses I take for my majors.

2. What’s your major/what do you think you want to major in? Theatre Major and Piano Pedagogy and Accompanying Major

Favorite STEM field? Psychology

Favorite humanities subject? Music Theory

Class that you’ve always wanted to take but never had the chance? Band and orchestra ensembles if those count count.

Do you use caffeine and if so how much daily? I am a straight up caffeine addict so anywhere between six to seven cups of coffee or three-ish energy drinks.

What’s your preferred method of taking in caffeine? Ideally, hot black coffee but there is nowhere on campus that sells good coffee so I tend towards zero calorie Monster energy drinks.

Have you ever tried study drugs? nope

Are you a homework-in-the-morning kind of person? I live for waiting until the last minute to get things done.

Do you listen to music while you study? I find it almost impossible to focus when I do but that doesn't stop me some days.

Crowded area or quiet place? Crowded spaces! Libraries and coffee shops are my go to’s.

What’s your preferred writing instrument? Pencil and paper

Do you need to work out before you can study well? nope

Describe your perfect study environment. Still standing by a low-key coffee shop with a small study group and plenty of caffeinated beverages.

Are you procrastinating right now? I most definitely am.

What was the last thing you procrastinated? My directing final scene was written, edited, designed, cast, and rehearsed four hours before it was performed.

Are you a perfectionist? surprisingly, yes.

Do you like easy classes or do you feel bad if you’re not working hard? I love classes that don't stress me out but I can't stand paying for classes that I already know the information for.

Are you a good test taker? absolutely not.

What are you the proudest of out of all the assignments you’ve ever had? My memory piece from my piano jury this past semester. I worked really hard on it and that process was the final piece that pushed me to changing my major.

Do you talk to your teachers/professors a lot? I talk to my professors incessantly! I sometimes forget that we can't actually be friends but that doesn't stop me from eating lunch with them and chatting during office hours if they aren't busy.

Describe your favorite teacher/professor and why you like them. I most assuredly cannot pick only one so I shall describe the three best professors I had this past year:

Piano instructor- even though I wasn't always the most prepared or the strongest player she taught there was never a second that I felt less than or like I wasn't valued. She is also an absolutely brilliant pianist and I couldn’t be more lucky to be learning from her. I am wildly excited about being a piano major these days.

Horn instructor/Aural skills professor- The patience this professor has with me is unbelievable! She is so ready to drag me at any given moment and honestly, I live for it. She is excellent at giving advice when needed and genuinely such a wonderful person and performer. The entire music department is in agreement that she is the collective mother over all of us and we would simply fall apart without her.

Director/Directing professor- This man has put up with so much of my shit oh my goodness. Not only is he incredibly smart and a great professor, he puts up the best shows. He has worked so hard to help me this past year from helping me write papers, driving me across campus after rehearsals, to buying me caffeine when I was going through withdrawals. He is a true gift to our department.

Describe your least favorite teacher/professor and why you dislike them. I don't think that I can come up with a professor that I genuinely and wholly dislike without coming up with something redeemable so...

Have you ever thought about becoming a teacher/professor? more and more everyday.

Most profound thing ever said to you by a teacher/professor? You will never be able to know where life is going to take you so you have to do what feels like the best choice and just keep making the best choices as time goes on. Life will become what it becomes and we have to be able to make something positive out of that.

Best feedback you’ve ever gotten on something academic? Being told by my directing professor that I write “excellent” play analyses.

Worst study habit and how are you working on it? Procrastinating- I don't think I am currently doing too much to fix that... even though I need to.

Are you an in-class fidgeter? forever and always.

How’s your handwriting? small, messy, almost cursive.

Neat or messy notes? Messy

A lot of notes or the bare minimum? definitely depends on the class and how interested I am that day.

Are you a doodler? Nope

Do you have pre-test rituals and what are they? Stressing in the lobby with the other students destined to freak out.

Are you a tangent-question asker? oh absolutely.

Do you make jokes in class? Every single chance that I get.

How many hours do you spend on academics per day? Not enough! Though I tend to be on campus in classes and rehearsals from about 9 am to somewhere around 10:30 pm. Sometimes I just don't have time to sit down and formally study.

What’s something more important to you than school? My mental well being most days.

#studyblr #about me #tag #update #studyblr tag #mine #some of these haven't really changed #but its been a while #oh well

[passingexams101-blog]

10 Tips for High School Students

High school seems like a drag most of the time. Going to school, doing work that you don’t like, seeing people you don’t like, and maybe even eating food that you don’t like. However, it is something that we all have to do (unless you’re homeschooled, of course). The main goal in high school is really to pass your exams and graduate alive, but, we’re all dead inside so I should say, graduate mostly alive. Wouldn’t it be great if we were all gifted and smart? However, that’s not how life is; you have to work for everything. As a result, I have put together 10 tips that will help any high school student successfully pass their exams.

1.      Exam Calendar

Refusing to acknowledge the proximity of an exam won’t make it go away. In fact, it causes it to approach faster because without a calendar, the exam will be able to sneak up on you. Sneaky exams are exactly what we try to get away from, therefore, CREATE AN EXAM CALENDAR. Sorry, I didn’t mean to shout, but this is something I cannot stress enough, that’s why it’s number one. For CXC students, your timetables are available on the CXC website from maybe in September to the year prior to your exam (eg, if your exam is in 2018, the timetable is available in September 2017) therefore, you have no excuse as to why you didn’t already make a calendar. Ensure that you place your calendar in a spot where you will always see it especially when doing homework or studying. I recommend placing it on the wall above your desk or work space, this way, you always notice it. You don’t need to create any kind of huge, dramatic calendar (unless you want to of course). It can be plain and simple. Just ensure that you have the exam dates and times and what exams are happening on that day.

 2.      Study timetable

What is something that teachers constantly nag us about? That’s right, a study timetable. Hey! I know that you’re rolling your eyes! Honestly, I used to lowkey roll my eyes and sigh whenever my homeroom teacher even mentioned a study timetable too. However, I am a changed person. Take it from me, someone who hated study timetables. It is your key to passing exams because it ensures that you’re not wasting time procrastinating. What you need to do is look at your exam calendar and plan your timetable around it as to give yourself enough time to study and prepare for each exam. You can create two timetables; one for during the year away from exams, and one for during exams. Once again, put them in places where they will be noticeable to you like on the wall above your desk or work space.

 3.      Make Notes Ahead of Class

Well, well, well, this point is definitely something that we all know we should be doing, but is it being done? Of course not. Making notes ahead of class seems like torture, doesn’t it? We all want our teachers to open our heads and just shove the information right in. I mean, how cool and efficient would that be, right?  Unfortunately, that’s not how it’s done. Making notes ahead of class is actually pretty simple. First, you open the textbook and read a paragraph. Then, you summarize what you just read and write it in a notebook in point form. Difficult? *Inserts ‘nope,didn’t think so’ meme*. I recommend using a notebook that you will dedicate to this subject specifically as to prevent mixing up other subjects with this one. Also, you should use colored pens, pencils, or highlighters for the headings so when you’re looking for something, it’s easy to find. Let me give you some reasons as to why you should make notes AHEAD of class.

·         You’ll be prepared in case the teacher starts the class by asking questions about the topic, trust me when I say that it’s embarrassing not knowing anything.

·         You can ask any prior questions you had about the topic as the teacher teaches.

·         You can go to class with extra information (if you decided to do some research) and create a discussion in class. Teachers love discussions.

·         You can add examples and extra notes that the teacher gives.

·         Bonus: you can leave the heavy textbook at home and walk with your notebook instead since you already have the notes.

  4.      Use Technology

As the generation that lives within the age of technological advancement, there is so much resources to assist you online. For example,

YouTube. We’ve all heard of YouTube. I mean c’mon, if you haven’t, do you even live in 2018? Even though YouTube is mostly popular for music, beauty and DIYs, it is also useful for studying. Channels like Crash Course are great for revision or further understanding of topics. Another channel, Mr. Parr, uses the element of music to educate his watchers/listeners. He makes parodies of popular songs using science topics in order to teach.

BBC Bitesize offers a wide range of subjects and topics for a variety of educational levels. They have simple revision breakdowns of each topic, along with examples and revision questions. The website is very easy to use and navigate as it was created with youths in mind. Khan Academy is another great site. Whilst Bitesize focuses on typed explanations, Khan Academy offers video explanations, like YouTube.

If you write a lot of essays, then Grammarly is the site for you. It’s basically a grammar-checker. It checks for things like spelling, subject-verb agreement, capitalization, punctuation and a lot more. Sometimes Microsoft Word doesn’t get every single error because whenever it says that the document is fine and I put it through Grammarly, I get like 20+ new errors that Microsoft Word did not pick up.

 5.      Create Relationships with Teachers

Woah, woah, woah. I’m not telling you to date your 45-year-old math teacher. Gross. I’m talking about getting to know your teachers and having them know you. Showing interest in a subject really drives a teacher to wanting to helping you. After class, stop and talk to them; ask them about their day, if they’re ill, ask how they feel. Simple things. Always remember that teachers are people too. If you have problems or don’t understand something, ask them. Never be afraid of a teacher even if they seem scary, their best interest is in helping you. One thing that I found that really helped me improve was submitting extra work as practice. After a while of giving up extra work, my teachers realized that I was interested in the subject and paid more attention to me.  This really helps you out in the long run when you need recommendations for university or jobs. These teachers will be more than willing to help you out.

 6.      Ask for Help

Never be afraid to ask for help. Whether it be from a teacher or peer, if you need help, ask for it. Asking for help will not only help you to understand better, but it will also strengthen your bonds with others. Also, your class should create a group chat on social media sites like WhatsApp or Facebook. This will serve as your main communication center. Work can be sent in the chat and questions can be asked and answered. In addition, study groups are great for getting in knowledge if you work better in small groups rather than by yourself. Just get a few of your peers, who you now will study and not mess around, and start studying. It can happen after school in the library or even an empty class.

 7.      Past Papers.

Okay, I don’t know if past papers are available for exams outside of CXC, therefore I can only give my experience for CXC here. Past papers are available on the CXC website or at any bookstore. However, the best way to obtain past papers, is to have it handed down to you from someone who already did the exam. This way, it’s free! You can also find PDFs online. Past papers are great because they give you an idea of questions that can possibly be part of the exam. Sometimes, the same exact questions in the past paper, is what will be repeated. Therefore, you’re even more prepared because you already did that question. However, let me warn you, don’t memorize answers just to pass. Study to learn the general concept of the topic. This way, you will be able to do any question. Another awesome thing that CXC does is subject reports. These are reports of the answers for the exams each year. Most times, the answers for the questions are presented here and it’s best to study with the past paper and subject report side by side.

 8.      E-books/PDFs

Let me tell you, especially literature students, eBooks/PDFs will save your wallets. These are mostly available for novels but there will be eBooks for other topics too. Since they are free, you save tons of money. On the other hand, be careful when downloading these books as some may come with viruses or missing information. That is definitely the problem with PDFs, errors. Sometimes they may have spelling or grammatical errors. However, if you have an understanding of what you’re reading, the errors should not be a problem.

Literature students usually have to do things like analyzing information and other pretty difficult things. An easy way to get a general understanding of books is by reading summaries and analyses online. There are sites that offer these services like:

·         SparkNotes

·         Shmoop

·         CliffNotes

·         Enotes

 9.      Interact with People

So, you’re learning a language, what do your teachers preach? Get a pen pal. Well, in this day and age, pen pals aren’t really popular anymore. However, you can still talk to native speakers who want to learn your language. The app Amino is great for this. It’s basically like a little community on your phone. You just have to sign up and choose which Amino community you want to use. You can join as much communities as you’d like. It allows you to join group chats or even private chat with people. You can ask or help, take quizzes, participate in polls, make blog posts and so much more. It’s also a great way to make new friends.

 10.  Take a Break.

This is definitely what we all love to hear, right? Yes, of course. Taking a break. It’s great to take a break in order to just relax. Overworking yourself won’t do anything besides stress you out. The best things to do when taking a break are:

·         Take a walk somewhere. Walk around your house and maybe chat with your family a bit. Don’t study to the point where you completely lock off your family. Go outside and get some fresh air, you may even see something that can inspire you if you have writer’s block.

·         Stretch. Sitting in one position for too long can cause your body to become tense and this isn’t good for the muscles. Therefore, maybe do a bit of yoga. Looking up stretches for studying on Pinterest will be beneficial to you.

·         Eat. When you’re studying, it’s very easy to forget to do daily activities like eating and even showering. Therefore, I suggest when you take a break, eat some food or fruit, definitely not junk food.

#study motivation #studyblr #studyspo #passing exams #tips for students #cxc #studying #how to pass exams #how to study #study tips #study tumblr #high school #exams #youtube #bbc bitesize #grammarly #whatsapp #facebook #sparknotes #shmoop #cliff notes #enotes #amino apps #pinterest #students #exam help #study help #tips #life tips #student tips

[katherine-rambles]

lately i’ve been learning a lotta things that.... make me wonder if i have low-key add/adhd?

evidence in the “probably” pile:

i learned recently that becoming angry at interruptions can be a symptom of focus issues, and that many add/adhd folks HATE interruptions.

guess who has literally scheduled her entire life around avoiding interruptions, since as long as i can remember???

like No Joke i would do homework in the early afternoon so my parents wouldn’t bother me whenever to do chores (because to them homework was Above interruptions, but nothing else was???) and then after they went to sleep i would read/play videogames/art/etc. all of which, had i done during the day, they would have felt ABSOLUTELY FREE to interrupt me and then get mad when i got mad at them for interrupting me and didn’t immediately drop it because i’m a stubborn asshat

from research of the above, i’ve learned about (and immediately converted to) the school of thought that “attention deficit disorder” might be inaccurate, and “attention regulation disorder” might be a better way of phrasing it. see this link for more info

from that link: “But with people with ADD, who have impaired executive functioning, the inability to self-regulate appears as laziness or lack of willpower. It clearly is not.”

i’ve always had IMMENSE trouble self-regulating. without places to be, work structures and schedules to support me? i 100% fall apart. i’m still having trouble, as a 23 yr old adult, at setting up bedtime and wakeup routines!!!

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Be easily distracted by things like trivial noises or events that are usually ignored by others.”

i can’t often stand music or tv or whatever while i work. either i just Stop Doing What I’m Doing and pay attention to the music or tv show (and thus waste a couple hours on tv shows i don’t even like) or i turn it off. 

relatedly: i cannot go to bed with the tv or music on, despite it being a regular occurance for many of my friends. (guess who stays wired up on sleepovers while other ppl fall asleep to media.... :^) )

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Be forgetful about daily activities (for example, missing appointments, forgetting to bring lunch)”

i circumvent this now by writing a bajillion lists all the time, but when i was younger... i almost failed sixth grade because i wouldn’t bring my homework to turn in. 

which is to say: i would take it home, i would DO all of the work, but i literally forgot to bring my homework to turn in, on a regular basis, for the better part of a year. 

my teachers were confused at my great grades but lack of homework, so they talked to my parents about it, and that got drilled the fuck outta me, but... yeah

also? i can’t sit anywhere but at the front of classes. if i am not at the front i cannot pay attention, due to all the shit that people get up to. i’d love to join u at the back of class my delinquent friends playing games on your phones, but i cannot or I Will Fail. 

from a list of ADD symptoms, inattention: “Have a hard time paying attention to details and a tendency to make careless mistakes. Their work might be messy and seem careless.”

there’s a job in libraries that i cannot do. it is called Shelfreading, and basically, the idea is that you read the collection numbers on the shelf (that bit on the end of the spine libraries use to keep things in order) and make sure that the books are, indeed, in order.

i begin falling asleep maybe four feet into shelfreading. i literally cannot do it when i am Any degree of tired in the first place, but even when i am at my Tippity Toppity Best i’m the absolute worst at that job. it is my least favorite part of libraries-- even including the time I had to be a part of moving a library, and i wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. 

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Fidget and squirm when seated.Get up frequently to walk or run around.

me. 

i can’t sit/stand still. 

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Always be "on the go"

when i’m not depressed, i ALWAYS need something to do. i have ‘patience’, but only if i’m doing something else in the meanwhile. 

for most of my childhood, i had drawing as a “something else”.

from a list of ADD symptoms, hyperactivity: Talk excessively

hhahhaaaahahhaha i’m so insecure about this but basically i can and often will babble on until you tell me to stop. case in point: look at how long this post is getting. i do that in speech, too

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Impatience

fufufuuuuuuuck it me. i literally cannot play some games because of how slowly the characters walk. i will never be able to replay the older pokemon games because of this. rip me

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Having a hard time waiting to talk or react

!!! i’ve channeled this into “interrupting folks to help them find words”!!!!!! 

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Have a hard time waiting for their turn.

hhhhahmmmmm this might be a reason why i strongly prefer single-player sports. 

in tabletop, “waiting for my turn” doubles as “watch other people make fun things happen”. and any other time i need to wait i can usually do something else while i do so.

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Blurt out answers before someone finishes asking them a question.

yes. but it’s kinda rare, i wonder if this is one of those semi-gendered symptoms.

but also, did you mean, “raising my hand before the professor is done with their thought”? 

from a list of ADD symptoms, impulsivity: Start conversations at inappropriate times.

hhhhaaaa i’m sure becca can attest to my inability to wait five seconds before beginnning a conversation that’s awkward while the person who reminded me of something is still around. 

something that seems like impulsivity might have a hand in:

right now, i really don’t want to be spending money. and yet??? i have like ten purchases in the past three days or so around 10 bucks a piece. for random videogames, toys, books, a tiara, a hat i found at a storage store, a couple of things i thought would make great gifts for specific folks in the future.... why tf can i not wait until i get my goddamn paycheck at the end of the week????

something else that seems like impulsivity might have a hand in:

i am a Serial Procrastinator. the only way i get things done is by procrastinating on one thing by doing something else. very few of my tasks are both Proactive and Not A Part Of Putting Off Something Else. 

from a different list of add symptoms in adults: Restlessness, Trouble Relaxing

i’ve said that i literally cannot relax. that is: actual relaxation occurs so rarely for me that i treat it more or less like a myth. 

from a different list of add symptoms in adults: Trouble Starting a Task

hey, did you know that this (in addition to being super tired) was literally what kickstarted my depression? now ya know

welp

more generally, i am a ninety-per-center. which is to say: i got a’s in school, but it wasn’t because i studied and memorized every last detail. getting 100% on anything was extremely rare for me, even though you’d think i’d have a higher chance at it with my average so high. 

i hate straight-up memorizing. i’m terrible at it. if learning only happened like that, i would be a highschool dropout. 

what i AM good at is being a magpie of knowledge. learning is legitimately a hobby for me. 

so learning MORE for me is often about contextualizing something new in terms of what i already know. 

one of my other hobbies? READING FUCKING EVERYTHIGN as a child. i read so much that my average reading-words-per-minute is 700 (w/ 100% retention-- that’s an easy reading pace for me), but i can jack it up to 1k with 80% retention. theoretically, if i could keep that up, the internet tells me i could read the entire bible in 24 hours at that rate.

my good grades also gave me a positive feedback loop: having good grades meant that teachers didn’t care if you doodled during class, and doodling during class is apparently a huge coping mechanism for ADHD/ADD.

uh. 

so. 

in researching and writing all this out.... i’ve basically convinced myself that i probably have some degree of add/adhd, but i had really good coping mechanisms that developed early. 

when some of the things i’d relied upon began falling apart, i spiralled into Depression because executive functioning is hard

oh my god now i’m taking a test and.... SHIT IT ME http://totallyadd.com/adhd-quiz-start/

ESPECIALLY 

My home or workspace is cluttered, piles everywhere.  Things have to be out where I can see them, otherwise I worry that I’ll forget about them.

When I am alone I talk out loud to myself to stay on track.  I have sticky-notes everywhere.  I’ve bought things and then realized I already owned one.

You probably don’t bounce around like a hyperactive child, but perhaps you often feel restless.  Driven.  Like there’s a dynamo inside you. Maybe you’re impatient.  On the go.  Thoughts race, sometimes tumbling, ricocheting as you pour out one idea after another.

I walk faster than others and have to wait for them.  I like to be in action, on the move.

this only applies in crowds; in other situations i’m small and can’t keep up the same with folks. But in crowds if I’m not moving forward i want to tear my hair out

I find myself stirring things up. Teasing. 

auuugh i’ve been trying so hard to stop this one because it’s often really rude and invasive but I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE STOPPING MYSELF

I’m drawn to one hobby or obsession after another. 

did you mean “project”? did you mean “life consuming goal projects that take ~80 hours during a month when i’m also in school full time and work part time??” 

I have more stamina and enthusiasm than anyone else if it’s something I find interesting.  I dive in whole hog, like a whirling dervish, with tons of energy.  But then suddenly crash. 

I always have lots to say, but I’m not so great at listening.  I can be an enthusiastic chatterbox who just can’t stop. If someone else tries to speak I get louder because I feel pressure to get it out. 

I am full of ideas – my mind jumps and races ahead.  I don’t sit quietly and consider, but immediately offer one idea or opinion after another. 

I may seem impatient or dominating, always adding my two cents, having to contribute my ideas… and I have lots of them. 

I’m instantly enthusiastic and interested in new challenges.  I say yes to everything, then end up overwhelmed with commitments.

HOLY FUCK

HOLY FUCKITY FUCK

I SCORED AN 18/18 ON A SCALE THAT’S MEANT TO BE 10/18 “YOU SHOULD MAYBE CHECK WITH YOUR DOCTOR”

you mean to say, i have been dealing with this all on my own, for TWENTY GODDAMNED YEARS, AND PEOPLE DIDN”T NOTICE OR CARE JUST BECAUSE I GOT A’S IN CLASS

i may be, more than a little pissed at this. hguhgugh

#text #present #curiosity #happy #gentle mental #is this adhd