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hannahcoursey · 4 years

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Wind Chill

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 2,838

Request: Hi there! Do u think u could do an imagine where the reader almost freezes to death and wakes up in Dean’s arms? You can pick the circumstances, but I think it’d be fab! xoxo

The days had been getting shorter as the end of December rolled its way closer and closer. You and the boys had your eye out on every news outlet and local scanners for anything that went bump in the night, but the radio waves were eerily silent.

The three of you sat in the library, all working on your own things. Sam sat in front of his laptop, tapping away, the clicking of the keyboard the only noise that floated through the bunker. You were neck-deep in a new book that you had gotten your hands on at a thrift store during the last job you’d worked a few towns over. It was some sappy love story that made your heart flutter and your face blush and you would never be caught dead reading it - which is why you’d ripped off the front cover. Dean sat closest to you, swirling around a glass of whiskey that was a sip from being empty. The silence between the three of you was comfortable and welcomed in your hectic lives. That was, of course, until Dean couldn’t sit still any longer.

“Okay I am officially ready to rip my eyes out,” He announced, standing and wiping his hand down his face. Sam stuttered a laugh and shook his head.

“Go kill something, you’re nicer when you're not bloodthirsty.” Sam finished, his eyes never leaving the screen in front of him. You smiled and looked up at Dean.

“You hungry? I can whip something up for dinner.” You asked, peering up at the elder Winchester. He looked at you pointedly.

“Y/N, in all fairness, the last time you cooked, I was feeling it for the rest of the week - and not with my mouth.” He squinted, wincing inaudibly. You rolled your eyes.

“Fine - starve for all I care,” You stood up and put your book under your arm. “I’m gonna go see what we have.”

“I think I might hit the sack, a nice afternoon delight don’t sound all that bad right about now.” Dean said to your back as a yawn interrupted his words.

“Dean you do realize what an afternoon delight is right?” Sam scoffed, amusing no one but yourself. Dean shrugged.

“Yeah, it’s the afternoon and it's delightful.” Dean’s voice dripped in sarcasm as his feet padded down the hallway. You turned and caught Sam’s eye, the both of you chuckling lightly. As you stepped into the kitchen, you reached for the light. The pantry in the open shelves was more than bare, only a box of pancake mix and a dwindling loaf of bread was in sight. You walked over and opened the fridge. 2 beers sat at eye level and a head of browned lettuce sat next to it. You tossed the lettuce and closed the fridge, grabbing the keys to one of the cars in the garage and searching for your coat.

“Hey Sam, I’m gonna go for a run,” You walked out to the library, just as Sam was closing up his laptop.

“Y/N, it’s already,” Sam started, looking down at his watch, blinking a few times, “6:30 - can it wait for tomorrow?” His eyes looked heavy as he questioned you.

“Unless you want a heaping plate of oxygen for dinner, no.” You smiled, “It’ll be quick, the longest part is the drive there and back, it won’t take awhile.” You finished, making it obvious that you weren’t asking. Sam nodded and rubbed his eyes.

“Alright well, I think I might take a nap; I could recite the local news in my sleep at this point, I've read it so many times.” He scratched at his neck. Finally spotting your jacket hanging on the railing of the steps leading to the door, you crossed the room and put it on.

“I don’t blame you, get some rest and when you wake up I’ll have dinner made.” You padded up the iron steps, looking over at his large frame. A smile crawled up his features.

“Y/N, you don’t have to cook for him,” He squinted at you sarcastically, “You could burn the bunker down and he’d still love you.” He finished as you waved your hand at him.

“Shut up Sam.” You replied, snarky. With a small laugh, he turned and walked down the hallway, right as you slipped out the door.

The garage doors opened, letting in a blast of white snow. The road out in front of the drive was covered and it was coming down hard. When you pulled out onto the road, your back tires skidded and lost traction, causing you to fishtail for a brief moment. You slowed down and adjusted to the conditions, driving a little steadier and slower than you usually would. The sky was pitch black, if you didn’t know any better you’d guess it was 2am. As you made your way to the grocery store that was around half an hour away you promised yourself you’d make it quick before the weather got any worse.

Once you arrived, you rushed yourself around the store, grabbing peanut butter, jelly and bread for sandwiches, then grabbed some bacon, pie and lunchmeat. You made sure to get some salad, croutons and dressings for Sam, as well as some frozen fruit so he could make smoothies for after his morning jogs. After gathering together some pasta, chips and miscellaneous items you headed for the only open register. You got back into your car and checked the time. It was almost 8:00 and you’d spent well over 45 minutes in the store. Cursing at yourself slightly, you started up your car and slowly moved on your way back to the bunker.

The snow had laid down thick, leaving an icy blanket across the pavement, your tires crunching it beneath their weight as you prayed you’d make it back. It had begun to sleet, the freezing rain making your windshield wipers useless. Your wheels were slipping and even time you slowed down, your breath hitched, fully expecting not to get moving again. You came to an intersection, looking around at your options. Straight ahead, there was more traffic, but not a straight shot home. To your right was a back road that led almost right to the bunker’s front door. You hesitated. Taking a breath you decided that maybe going the quicker route would leave you with a better outcome.

You pulled the wheel, moving down the beaten path. Just as the final streetlight left your vision, your car slowly took you off course, slowly fishtailing into a ditch. You yanked the wheel in the opposite direction and smashed the accelerator, but it was no use. Your wheels spun as you settled, the right side of your car tipping into the frozen outcove. You looked down at the clock. You’d only made it about 10 minutes. You have got to be kidding me. Patting the pockets of your jacket, you found your phone and switched it on. “No Signal” flashed across the dim screen as if it was taunting you. You slid it back in your pocket and looked around. You reached for the door, but it didn’t budge. You pushed your body weight against it and bounced hard, yet it hardly moved an inch. So much for walking back to the store. You turned up the heat and turned up the music just a notch. Might as well get comfortable. You peered around the back, spotting a wrapped up blanket underneath the bench seat that you’d remembered leaving a few months back. You brought it up front and laid it across you and listened to the drone of the radio.

----

A few hours passed and you checked your phone like you had done every 10 minutes. Still no signal. Sighing, you glanced at the clock. 12:48am. How had they not noticed that you weren’t back yet? A chill slipped down your spine - it wasn’t from the cold that seeped in the sheet metal of the car - What if they’d fallen asleep for the night? You shook your head. No, you promised them food, they never forgot when you volunteered to make dinner. A flashing orange light on your dashboard drew your thoughts away from the boys; Your gas was running low. No gas, no heat. You sat up straight and looked around. There were no cars in sight, everyone preferring to stay inside during the blizzard. You leaned forward and twisted the key in the ignition, the engines’ rumble fizzing out along with the ambient music of the stereo. You sat back in your seat and tried to calm your mind, as the icy chill from outside slipped its way into the car, minute by minute.

----

The blanket was doing nothing at this point. Your movements were almost painful, your extremities vibrating with the numbness that fell over them hours ago. You had tried to turn the car on an hour or so ago, but it only sputtered in response. It was 6:57am. Your teeth had stopped chattering around 3 and you hadn’t slept a minute of it. The cold was oddly uncomforting, you couldn’t drift off in the state you were in. Your eyes had grown heavier now, which worried you more than anything. You fought to stay awake, but the cold unconsciousness welcomed you into the darkness. The upside was that you didn’t feel cold anymore; you just felt tingling. The sun had begun to rise, the orange glow casting a dim shadow through the thick snow-covered car. Your eyes fluttered. Stay awake. You tried to sit up but you were just so tired. A loud knock on your window forced your eyes open; you hadn’t even realized you’d shut them.

“Y/N?” A deep voice questioned, muffled by the layers of snow that had settled over your car since you’d landed there. The car shook lightly at first and then violently, until the door crackled and creaked next to your head, allowing the sunrise to pour in. Cold air blasted in the car, your hair whipping around your face. When you opened your eyes, you were met with Dean’s, searching yours. You tried to smile, but you couldn’t feel your face move, his name fell flat on your lips. His hand laid against your face like a hot iron scorching your cool skin. You sucked in a breath and he pulled away.

“Dean,” You tried, licking your lips, “It’s looking like I’m gonna have to make dinner another night.” You tried to smile but your lips tingled, forcing your laugh sounding more like a wheeze.

“Don’t worry about dinner, come on.” His brows were pulled up as he looked down at you, pulling you closer to him.

“Dean, it’s been below zero all night,” Sam walked over and whispered to his brother, not so quietly. “You can’t last all that long in weather like that, she ne-” He started, but Dean shot him a look.

“I know Sammy,” He growled, exchanging looks at one another, before Sam turned around and opened the door to the backseat of the Impala. Dean looked back down at you and pulled you up to his chest, holding you close to him. He was so warm. Your eyes fluttered, constantly at war with trying to keep them open. The Impala’s heat was blasting as he settled in the back with you in his lap. Sam walked to the front and pulled out, leaving your car in the ditch. There was no music, only the rumble of the engine drifting through the cabin. You felt like you could sleep for days.

“Hey, hey, hey, keep those pretty eyes open, alright sweetheart?” Dean’s hand fell onto your cheek again as he held your head up lightly.

“Dean, I’m-” You whispered and he leaned down closer, “I’m tired.” You slurred, your eyes rolling slightly.

“C’mon Y/N wake up,” His deep voice pulled you momentarily out of the coma that was dragging you under, “Look at me, keep your eyes on mine, okay?” His face was inches away from yours, his warm breath slipping over your features. You looked up at him again, meeting his worried expression.

“I can’t-” You tried to explain it, but you couldn’t manage the words, “I’m tired.” You finished hardly above a whisper, as your eyes rolled back one last time and your world went dark. The last thing you felt was Dean shaking you.

----

You woke up to arms surrounding you. Your body was sore and felt like you had gone 7 rounds with Lucifer and your head pounded. You moved your fingers around, feeling them and making sure that they were all still there. Looking up, you connected the arms to a body and the body to a head. Your heart dropped to your toes as you looked up, analyzing every freckle that splayed across his nose. His eye’s flickered underneath their lids. I wonder what he’s thinking. You looked around. You were in Dean’s room, the guns hanging on the walls a clear indicator of the Winchester’s belongings. Slowly pulling his arm off your waist, it suddenly tightened. He grumbled deeply behind you, before roping you back in and laying his hand on the side of your face. Except when you looked up at him this time, he was already looking back at you.

“Mornin’ Frosty.” He grinned, his voice gravely and sexy. Hearing his voice like this woke up a beast in you that begged to be touched by him. You looked away as the thought ran through your head.

“Very funny.” You mused. His hand pulled your face up, his finger under your chin.

“I’m not laughing,” He said, his expression blank, “Y/N, you were in zero degree weather for almost twelve hours, do you know how close of a call that is?” He shook his head slightly and leaned up on his arm while looking at you. “Why didn’t you call? I would’ve come, I would’ve got you.” He questioned.

“I had no signal, I tried - it didn’t work.” You shrugged, looking down at your hands. He let out a sigh.

“When I woke up and you weren’t there, I just about tore the place apart,” He ran a hand through his hair, “I thought something had taken you, but then Sam said you’d left to get some food. When I opened the door and saw the weather, I knew you had to be out there somewhere.” His hand reached up and caressed your face, taking you by surprise. “Y/N, I don’t know what I would’ve done if I’d lost you.” His voice was hardly above a whisper. You stared at him, eyes wide.

“Dean,” You hesitated, not sure how to take it, “I appreciate you and Sam worrying about me-” You started.

“No it’s not like that,” He shook his head, inching closer to you, “I mean, I don’t worry about you the way Sam does,” He cocked his head to the side, “Well I hope it’s not the same, that would be an issue.” He said more to himself than to you, his eyes drifting past you in thought.

“I’m not sure I follow.” You muttered. His eyes looked down at you again.

“I’m saying that not knowing where you were for a minute there had me going like nothing else.” His lips were plush and mere inches away from you and you had to mentally remind yourself not to stare at them. And you were failing miserably. “I never want to let you out of my sight again.” He whispered, pausing a moment before leaning in and brushing his lips gently to yours. The blood rushed through you, giving you chills for a whole different reason than earlier. His hand slid through your hair and with his other hand he pulled your body closer to his. You returned the kiss, leaning in, pressing against him harder, When he pulled back, he searched your eyes for a response.

“Then don’t.” You whispered in return, a small grin crawling over your features. He matched your smile and pulled you in. He smelled like old cologne and worn leather and you breathed it in all you could. When he pulled back, he gave you a grin and held your face in his hand.

“God, I have waited so long to do that.” He smirked, his confession taking you by surprise.

“Well, maybe you should do that more,” You shrugged sarcastically, “I don’t hate it all that much.” You beamed up at him, unable to hide your happiness.

“Oh you don’t hate it?” His eyebrows shot up, his words filled with the sarcasm that made you love him, “That’s good, I’m glad you don’t.” He chuckled, pulling you down to his chest.

You knew that from now on, most of your days would be spent like this; laying on his chest, stealing kisses and exchanging laughs - and you didn’t want to spend them any other way.

----

Hey guys! I hope you liked this one - if you have any requests submit them to me and I’ll give em’ a go!

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pbandjesse · 3 years

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I just made another sale on my website! Im really excited. Maybe I can get back on track with it. Now that Im making again. Which I am continuing today. Proud of me.

I slept alright last night. I sometimes feel like I should just go to sleep as soon as I get home from work and wake up at like 2am and stay up from then. Because I am just so tired after work but then I get a second wind and while Im awake, its like not a socially normal time to be doing work. So I just. Lay here and be upset. And then wake up to late and its just a bad cycle. But I woke up around 9 and I got dressed and felt alright. I would pack up the bear that sold that I had to remake, had some issues with shipping, as always. But I was proud of myself, and I would jump right in to making my next bear.

I would work on that, and make a video to go along with that, until a little after 11 and then had lunch. Which was leftover soup. It was good. I DID NOT want to go to work, but I felt cute and was in a good mood at least. Even if I was still very tired and my mouth was hurting.

I ran into Mr Will as I was leaving, but I wanted to be able to sit on a bench outside work for a few minutes and drink my drink I made, so I was off.

And I sure did enjoy sitting in the sun. I enjoyed my music and my to sweet knock off pink drink. And then begrudgingly went inside.

It was. A day. I am not going to go into it much. But I was just constantly saying "sit down, stop that, pay attention, name name name". It was just. Draining in so many ways. I tried my best to hold it together but these stupid half days for some and not for others makes the classroom suck and its hard to keep the room quiet for the kids stil in class. So it was hard. But we tired.

And while I was honest with the kids that I was a little short with them because I was tired and in pain. And they would joke about it and were understanding, and I tried my best. Until one of the kids threw a pencil at me. Because they were mad. So I had to write a behavior report. And they would get picked up early. And like I felt bad but also dont throw things at me??

We had the kids watch Bee Movie as part of our discovery project. And man, it sucked?? It was very bad!! I was surprised. But whatever. They seemed to get the message we were trying to make them understand, which was bees are important. So thats something I guess?

The day just drug on though. I wanted to go home. But I didnt get to leave until almost 6. Ugh.

I was surprised at how chilly it was outside. Very windy. I was glad I wore a fleece. James was making us indian food when I was getting home. And it smelled great. And was very good. I think they really got the favors down. The best part was the naan bread they made though. Just top notch. So good. Love my partner.

We change the sheets and flipped the mattress. I cleaned the fishtank. We laid around and had cold hands and tried to feel cozy. Eventually James would go make hot chocolate and I would take a shower.

Now we are in bed. And I am going to just try to enjoy laying down, even if I dont get the sleep I want. Well see what happens.

Tomorrow I will send out my website order, and make another bear. Hopefully have time to cut out more fabric. And very much hope for a good day. Goodnight everyone. Take care of yourselves.

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love-mom17 · 4 years

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8/20/2020

****TRIGGER WARNING***

Please dont read if you cannot deal with reading bloody details or anything with a miscarriage.

Soooo here i am. I am feeling a lot better! I had a lot going on with my health and mental being and i just needed some time to myself.

SOOOO lets go back a little to let you know what went down this month... ON monday aug. 3rd i was confirmed that i was going through another miscarriage. Even though i wanted to believe that this was all a mistake. I knew it wasnt. I didnt cry during my appointment. I was kind of expecting this to happen even though i wished it wasnt that way. My sac had collapsed completely. THere was no sight of anything. I was prescribed Misoprostol that same day and i decided to take it right after my appointment. I had 4 pills that i had to take every 6 hrs to help move the process along.

I finished my last dose on Aug. 4th (tuesday) i had some clots come down and since i wasnt that far along i thought that was end of it. i was spotting off and on for the next few days. Friday night came along and i was just about to leave my parents house. I started to have some cramps. they werent bad but im a little bitch when it comes to cramps.

My parents were just like stay here and let the pain pass through and i was like naaa I want to be at home. I wanted to cry all my emotions where everywhere at this point. I left and here i am on my way home. A 30 minute drive that felt like HELL!!!! The cramps became more intense and i was crying the whole way home. I had a maxi pad on and i was able to feel it the blood just gushing out of me. My son was asleep and i wanted to yell!!!!! In that drive home i had felt a good 4-5 blood gushes coming out of me... I took my son out and tried to carry him out but I was in so much pain I couldnt do it with out making too much noise. I layed him down and i layed with him a bit so that he wouldnt wake up... To my surprise i was not able to lay down with him. I felt so much pressure down there that i felt like my uterus was going to burst. Since i wasnt able to get him to go sleep again after i laid him down , I rushed to the restroom and here I am. Just bleeding like crazy. With every contraction i had i was squirting out blood and blood clots. The pain was unbearable. My husband was working and here i am home alone with my son.

All im thinking is im having a hemorrhage. I’m soaking through my maxi pads so fast that I didnt know what to do. I called my parents to rush over here to help me go to the ER. I was trying to remain calm because i didnt want to pass out on my son and for him to freak out. By the time my parents got there i had already changed my pad 4 times (IN 30 MINUTES). I went to the closest ER to me and they took me in. The guy that took my vitals and my intake pissed me off because he had the nerve to say that “Exactly thats what the medication does to you, Thats normal. Your going to have a lot of pain and pass blood clots. Its normal!” It was the way he said it that triggered me. Making me look like if i was just there to waste their time. So I said “So you are going to tell me that its normal to soak 4 Maxi pads in less than 30 minutes? You assuming before knowing doesnt make you look that bright” Apparently, the doctor was listening and as soon as he heard me say that he stepped in and took me with him and gathered the rest of my information. I was taken to do another ultrasound and blood work. I was feeling sooo dizzy after they took my blood.

Im not one to faint after a blood draw. But i was soo weak. They confirmed with me that i had a small hemorrhage and that I had not lost a lot of blood to need a transfusion. My bleeding at this point was starting to slow down. They stated that i had not passed that sac yet. It was still sitting in my cervix canal. I had to get another dose of the medication. through out that week, i was bleeding normal and sure enough the weekend came again and its Aug. 9th 2am, having cramps. I was trying to sleep it off but when they got strong it would wake me up. Finally i took some pain meds after my pharmacy took forever to get my medication ready!!!! I ran some errands and i figured it would help me walk around to help me pass the sac. Its 5:30pm and im standing in line at Winco. When i feel this gush of blood come down and i felt something just sitting at the opening of my vagina. My pad kept it from coming out and my husband was outside dealing with my son because he was throwing his fit. I finish paying and it was so uncomfortable to walk. I tried to sit down in the car and i couldnt. It felt so weird and i told my husband to drive...I get home and walked as fast as i could to the restroom and i pull down my pants and there it was... the SAC!!!!

With everything that went down i couldn't even process what was all happening emotionally. That whole week after i was a wreck. I was angry and sad. I wanted to cry and yell and punch shit. My friend Jenn reached out to me and it was a while since i reached out to anyone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Since then, Ive been able to cope with it better. But i can feel it that it lingers on and im just trying avoid it. Im not planning on trying again any time soon. I dont want to think about it. Im too scared of all of this to happen again. My first miscarriage went a lot smoother than this time. This time was just so scary....

#update

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overplannedbutunnamednpc · 4 years

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glade playlist

got two likes on my post so that’s literally 20% of my readership saying hell yeah fuck yeah glade playlist. i am a servant to the masses. here it is, w descriptions under the cut.

some warnings: don’t expect this to be good. this is Vibes Only and an excuse to talk about Him. the order of the songs tells no story and thus does no sin. skip the songs you don’t like because it makes no difference at all.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ZJRrektFybq9vksjnWGnh?si=jhSi_lBeThqaB74HO1UrQA

1. Above The Clouds Of Pompeii by Bear’s Den

Just don't cry Hold your head up high She would want you to She would want you to You said stay in the car and wait There's just some things I have to say Don't you know I miss her, too I miss her just as much as you So my father and my son As you end what she's begun You'll lie patient by her side With roses red come lilies white

this came from a magnus/julia playlist originally and it fucks, but it’s more here for the Vibes than anything else. if I had to explain it, I’d say this is immediately post like. lent coming home and telling glade that she doesn’t remember anything about him. this is the vibes of red being down for her nap, blissfully unaware that the motherfuckers have left and glade sitting down heavily on the couch of the home they shared and finally, tiredly, burying his face in his hands as he processes the fact that when lent first saw him, there wasn’t a spark of recognition in her eyes, and how much that hurts even if she’s promised to come back to him anyway. thats the vibes.

2. Best Intentions by Hodera

I guess we'll just stop talking then We can forget this ever happened 'Cause it's obvious I can't just be your friend I'm going in circles 'cause I only have one paddle out here alone Got back to shore 'bout 2AM I grabbed your jacket on the boat dock And I pulled you in and we kissed It was so dark, I found your lips Only because I felt your breath I know that soon I will be fine You left this void the size of pines lake Now I'm filling it up one cup at a time And if I knew that was the last time I'd see you I might have said Hey Mary, that was one crazy summer I know after this we'll never see each other I'm old enough now to know nothing lasts forever The only thing I ask is please Remember every detail of this moment Because once you close that door you'll never see me And some day you might remember When we drove out to the lake And stole a boat to see the moon eclipse go by

this one is a break up song so it’s here for the Vibes. i’ve kind of been envisioning this as the song glade would have written/sung if lent decided that she’d rather have amaunator than him, when he told her that he was a criminal. it’s about a summer romance that didn’t go far enough, and it fucks majorly, and it comes from a universe just a little bit to the left, where glade and hymn met but never actually took all the steps glade and lent did.

3. New Religion by The Heydaze

A city of strangers, the streetlights, they change us We all need a little bit more, we all need a little bit more The saints and the liars, the dealers and buyers We all need a little bit more, we all need a little bit more But somewhere there's a light A sign that it's alright I find it by your side People get lost in repetition Working and watching television Hard to wake up in the morning It's hard to wake up in the morning I'm watching you dancing in the kitchen I could call you my new religion You're waking me up in the morning You're waking me up in the morning, yeah

IF YOU LISTEN TO NO OTHER SONG FROM THIS PLAYLIST. LISTEN TO THIS ONE. sometimes I listen to this song and I get stuck in a loop where it’s the only music anyone has ever listened to because I love this song so much. anyway this is a REALLY good gladelent song. Vibes of them falling in love that first time, and lent’s recovery when she’s started getting her sight back, probably after she takes relentless as her next virtue name, and glade finding her dancing and singing to herself in the kitchen they now share, and just watching and loving her so much because he forgot how good it was to see her happy.

4. Gray Flowers by The Gray Havens

They cried, We told you stay away, From that crazy color, Turn around if you don't we'll break you, And you don't have anyone to save you, He said, She needs me to stay, Cuz gray can take her sorrow, So I will die tonight so she will know, That gray will stay in the color-code, For my love I will die you know, But before I do let the record show, That I brought her flowers every day, And she loved them, She loved me she'd never felt that way, So if you feel you need some gray, That's ok child, cuz you know you've just got to Ask, And I'll come back

this ones about love transforming a society around them. idk i like it. the townspeople who hate the color gray are the crownsguard @ gladelent. is that anything??? who cares not me it’s on Here one way or another!

5. Two by Sleeping At Last

I know exactly how the rule goes Put my mask on first No, I don't want to talk about myself Tell me where it hurts I just want to build you up, build you up 'Til you're good as new And maybe one day I will get around to fixing myself too I don't even know where to start Already tired of trying to recall when it all fell apart I just want to love you, to love you, to love you well I just want to learn how, somehow, to be loved myself Like a force to be reckoned with A mighty ocean or a gentle kiss I will love you without any strings attached And what a privilege it is to love A great honor to hold you up

this one is about loving someone despite not loving yourself quite yet and like. it’s a good one for pre-fall gladelent. glade was a squatter and a thief trying to provide for himself; he wasn’t exactly his own biggest fan, but love happens when you aren’t expecting it sometimes, and There He Was, head over heels for a woman who could have been (and should have been) arresting him. it is simply. a good love story.

6. Ezra by Becca VanDerbeck

Someday you'll find a Place where you belong Somewhere to settle down and plant Your roots, and grow up strong Oh, I hope that you'll remember all My silly little songs Honey, please remember these Few things in all you do Won't you always love your neighbor Wear a smile, and tell the truth Don't be scared of what you don't know And don't be afraid to lose Cause there’s a lesson there for Learnin', there's a lesson if you choose Oh and listen, kid, I promise I will Always see you through Cause Ezra, I love you, I love you, I do Oh Ezra, I love you, I love you, I do Ezra, I love you, I love you, I do

this is a glade and red song. i actually sing it as “red, girl, I love you, I love you, I do” bc I so strongly associate it with Them. it’s just a good, sweet song! glade dances red around the living room while singing it and she babbles along and maybe she sings it at him when she wants to be danced, because she’s a baby with both fangs and tusks and its SO hard to use words but humming a vague melody and clapping at your daddy gets you what you want so why would you Talk? smh. (someone needs to stop me before i get really emo about this tradition continuing into red’s childhood and adolescence and how when she’s upset glade will hum it to her when he hugs her and uh oh..... misty about this now................. they are a Fambly.........) all his kids get their own songs but reds song is Special, I think, in this way.

7. Black Coffee Morning by Bluebiird

Just too tall to comfort Just too big to hold But I'll fit you inside my future At least that's the lie we told And it's a black coffee morning on the east side And I'm singing all the time today Cause you're saying that you love me with your big eyes But your words don't come out that way Oh, play it again for me Big bright moon in the sky And give me one more night with my baby And that'll be alright

this is a little bit of a bitter one, as the name including black coffee implies. I imagine this one as a vibes of, “my wife went out to adventure again and I haven’t seen her in three weeks as a consequence.” like does he respect that lent has a ton of wanderlust? yeah. does he wish she’d stay home safe with him so he never has to worry when he goes a few days between Sendings from raini whether she’s alive or dead? also yeah. this is the song that plays the morning after lent left for hell, after two years of being not quite satisfied with retirement. this is the song that glade wakes up to, his bed empty, because they have an agreement now that lent sneaks out rather than glade potentially having to say goodbye for a Last Time. this is red babbling questioningly at him when mama hasn’t been home in hours and glade picking her up and singing to her rather than answering.

8. Band of Gold by The Gray Havens

I'm never get'n over you No I never will be over you Yes I threw away the key That bound my heart to yours To the bottom of the sea I don't need it anymore No there's no turn'n back for us There's only movin' forward Cuz this love is a band of gold When the fire's burn'n and When the embers feel cold So when I hold you in my arms I hope you know That this love is a band of gold

note: did NOT know i had two songs by the same guys on here! nice going gray havens. this is a good marriage song. that’s the vibes of this one. staying together through thick and thin, waking up and choosing to love that one person every single day, smiling down at your wedding ring even when they’re not around you for the symbol and reminder that they love you just as much, that they made that same commitment.

9. Farther Along by Josh Garrels

There's so much more to life than we've been told It's full of beauty that will unfold And shine like you struck gold my wayward son That deadweight burden weighs a ton I go down to the river and let it run Wash away all the things you've done Forgiveness alright Farther along we'll know all about it Farther along we'll understand why So cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine We'll understand this, all by and by, oh yeah

so, full disclosure, some of these songs came from my godfucking/religious trauma playlist. this is one of these songs. as such it’s? more of a Vibe than the other songs. it only kinda fits as a song of faith that things will get better even if you don’t understand why they are the way they are right now. I think of it as like. kind of glade’s relationship with faith? he hopes it’s all for a reason, that one day he’ll understand why bad shit is happening, but he doesn’t have a lot of faith in any actual god. but mostly this is just vibes.

10. How To Be Yours by Chris Renzema

You say that you love me, don't say that you love me 'Cause I don't know how to be yours You say that you want me, don't say that you want me 'Cause I don't know how to be yours I still act like an orphan I guess And my hard heart breaks to confess That even while you hold me As I cry on the floor I still don't know how to be yours So love me or hate me I'm not going anywhere Leave me or take me You still bear my signature Know me or not Seen or forgot I'm not walking out on you

lent and glade are both orphans and this is the song about doubting the love that comes your way even when you’ve not necessarily been given a reason to. it’s sung both by the doubter and the person refusing to leave them just because of that, and I think it’s nice! glade and his doubts, come amnesiac lent, that she will actually want to stay with him once she has her grace back with amaunator, and lent and her doubts, post fall, that he’ll stay with her now that she’s no longer good or righteous, now that she no longer deserves the name hymn.

11. Take Me To Church by Hozier

My lover's got humor She's the giggle at a funeral Knows everybody's disapproval I should've worshiped her sooner If the Heavens ever did speak She's the last true mouthpiece Every Sunday's getting more bleak A fresh poison each week "We were born sick", you heard them say it My church offers no absolutes She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom" The only Heaven I'll be sent to Is when I'm alone with you I was born sick, but I love it Command me to be well A-, Amen, Amen, Amen Take me to church I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife Offer me that deathless death Good God, let me give you my life Take me to church I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife Offer me that deathless death Good God, let me give you my life

obligatory hozier song. it’s horny and it’s religiously themed. this is also from my godfucking/religious trauma playlists. there’s not a whole lot to say here except that I wanted some hozier on this playlist bc glades og design/concept was “half orc hozier” and take me to church slaps. next song.

12. Belly of the Deepest Love by Tow’rs

The beats of hammers felt like drums of war Killed for the words you swore From the belly of the deepest love, The hills trembling throats sing hallelujah Like the flowers on a dogwood tree Blush with blame you took for me Oh how you wish to be with me Oh how you wish to be with me Do you remember seeing the man Covered by the same blood he damned Join the song with the sky in the darkest hour I need something to hold on to Stronger than the iron that held you Louder than the roar of the crowd that day

I think this one is pretty immediately post lent’s fall too. it’s got jesus imagery in there but I think that fits. this one doesn’t have a whole lot behind it except for post fall vibes.

13. One Jump Ahead by Brad Kane

Gotta keep One jump ahead of the breadline One swing ahead of the sword I steal only what I can't afford (That's Everything!) One jump ahead of the lawmen That's all, and that's no joke These guys don't appreciate I'm broke

this is a fun little song about scoundrel!glade! I thought it fit nicely and also it makes me think about the Aladdin au slash novel Lex and I have where glade lifts something valuable (her holy symbol I think?) off of lent and shows it to her and basically says, “I’ll just keep this so I know you’ll come see me next time” intending it to be a tease and then her gripping her sword hilt and holding her hand out with this fake smile and going “or you’ll give it back Now” (because she Can’t let him get away with that) and him going “or I can give it back now! great idea!” he really Thot it would go over better. but it’s okay bc they fell in love anyway.

14. Karma by AJR

I've been so good, I've been helpful and friendly I've been so good, why am I feeling empty? I've been so good, I've been so good this year I've been so good, but it's still getting harder I've been so good, where the hell is the karma? I've been so good, I've been so good this year Time, I know we're out of time But what if sad thoughts come and I can't stop it Bye, I don't wanna say bye If only I could keep you in my pocket To give me some diagnosis of why I'm so hollow Please give me instructions, I promise I'll follow I tripped on my ankle and fractured my elbow But doesn't that mean that the tour's gonna sell though? I try to explain the good faith that's been wasted But after an hour it sounds like complaining Wait don't go away, can I lie here forever? You say that I'm better, why don't I feel better? The universe works in mysterious ways But I'm starting to think it ain't working for me Doctor, should I be good? Should I be good this year?

similar vibes to farther along but much less hopeful and more desperate while still trying to sound like an upbeat song. this is glade telling amaunator off for letting lent go when she is nothing but Good. this is glade when he’s still a thief, going hungry because he fed his sister tonight rather than himself, asking whatever god might be listening why it was them who were punished with this because they weren’t doing anything wrong. this is glade setting the table for the motherfuckers, smiling even though it’s immediately post lent’s rez ritual, because they were the ones who actually saw her die, not him, and they’re good people who need to catch a break so here he is, getting them to joke and laugh with him while lent sleeps off her resurrection sickness in the other room.

#glade #playlist #player pcs #amnesia campaign

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cyoza · 4 years

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come here

hi guys! kind of long author’s note, sorry!

I found a few prompt lists and on one of them was ‘Come here’ and all I could think about mother and son duo Kory and Gar so I wrote from that angle.

I looked up the wikipedia page for Kory because I kinda saw some info about her past on the net but didn’t know for sure so I kinda just skim read through it and drew different things that I read.

I guess its kinda of an au? or non cannon? idk the proper terms I am still learning. But it’s set assuming the Titans have rescued Gar but before all the troubles over

It’s kinda of long sorry, I tried to shorten it so it wasn’t too long but yno it is what it is

I hope you read and enjoy it! Please like, reblog or comment if you do! Thanks!

TW: Abuse, Blood & Gore

The cool autumn air was crisp as it nipped at Kory’s nose, sending sharp shards up her nostrils. She looked over the railings, gazing at the park below as the trees quivered gently, the breeze taking down multiples of amber leaves with it.

Kory rarely ever felt the cold as acutely as her human counterparts but she had begun to really appreciate such frosty mornings like this one. There was something about the biting gusts of wind that invigorated her. The way she could feel the piercing breath travel completely down to her chest reminded her that she existed - that she was still here despite everything she had been through. As tough as it could be to keep going most of the time.

The sound of the balcony door sliding open behind her pulled her from here revere. She turned to see Gar standing awkwardly by the door which piqued her interest. Gar was many things: energetic, excitable, enthusiastic but Kory would never attribute awkwardness to him.

‘Hey, what’s up?’ Kory greeted, leaning on the railing behind her. She could see him battle with himself for a second, his lips pressed in a thin line and eyes unsure before he finally slumped slightly as if reaching a conclusion himself.

‘Um, actually, it doesn’t matter. I’m just gonna go back inside, don’t worry about it.’ He shook his head with a tremulous smile, his emerald locks falling forward to somewhat shield his eyes.

He turned to slide the balcony door back open when Kory spoke, halting his movements.

‘Hey, of course it matters. Come here, tell me what you’re thinking.’ She beckoned him over, making space for him next to her.

Gar looked at her for a few moments, contemplating his next moves but ultimately made his way over to her, saying nothing more as he placed his elbows on the metal railing. The silence dragged on and Kory let it, knowing that he would talk when he was ready. So they stood together, watching as the gales made sienna tornadoes out of leaves. Minutes went by before Gar finally broke the silence.

‘I’m sorry I’ve been keeping you guys up. It can’t be fun being woken up in the middle of the night by a screaming teenager.’ He paused, his face vacant and haunted; obviously plagued by memories constructed by his own warring psyche.

For weeks now, Gar had frequently jolted everyone from sleep between the hours of 2am-3am with blood curdling screams that reverberated through every hallway in the tower. The first few times it happened, all 6 Titans raced to his room panicked over what they might find but it quickly came to their knowledge that only Dick, Kory and Rachel could get near him close enough to begin to get him to calm down. So, eventually the rest of the team awakened but stayed in their rooms and instead got a debrief the following morning so as to not make things worse. Each time, Kory, Dick and Rachel had darted to his room to find him sweaty and glowing a low green whilst mumbling absently about CADMUS. It periodically took them a full hour minimum to settle him so they began insisting that Rachel instead also stayed in bed for fear that the lack of sleep would make her ill, very aware that teenagers needed more sleep than their adult bodies. But as much as they insisted, it didn’t stop the 14 year old from trailing behind Dick and Kory every single night.

‘Garfield, we would wake up every single day of forever at any time of the night, I promise you. You have no reason to apologise. This isn’t your fault.’ She punctuated her statement by placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, turning parallel to him.

The action seemed to trigger something in him as his eyes shot towards her, glazed over with liquid. He mimicked her, turning to face her but dropped his head, his gaze to the floor.

‘Thank you for saying that but Kory, it has to be my fault somewhere. The tiger is a part of me and it attacked those people, under my control. I attacked those people. And they’re dead Kory. They’re dead and it’s my fault.’ His head hung lower as he spoke, his hair the only visible part of his head but it was impossible to miss the drops of liquid dropping to the floor.

Kory’s eyes softened as her heart clenched, completely affected by his words. She, however, could not let it show and instead hardened her resolve as she moved to lift his head up to see trails of tears coating his cheeks.

‘Let me ask you something, Gar: did any part of you want to do any of those things?’ She enquired, already knowing the answer but also knowing that he needed to hear himself say it.

‘Wha-No! Of course not! I didn’t even know it was happening until after it happened! But when I’m asleep, it’s like it all comes back to me. Like all I can taste in my mouth is their blood. Like I can feel my teeth ripping through their skin all over again. I can hear their screams.’ He broke off with a quiet sob but continued talking before Kory could so much as open her mouth. ‘The first time it happened, you know with that guy in the asylum, I rationalised it with what you told me, I needed to protect myself, if it hadn’t have been him then it would have been me. And then with Trigon. All times of survival. But I’ve hurt innocent people, Kory, and I didn’t even know I was doing it. But it’s still somehow tormenting me and I don’t know how to get it to stop.’ He collapsed in her arms with a wracking sob, his chest shaking with the force.

Kory held him tightly as he continued to weep into her shoulder, raking a comforting hand through his hair. She felt slightly at a loss as she listened to his cries, but she hoped what she had to say next would give him some solace. She let out a deep sigh as she readied herself to speak but stopped short when her sensitive ears picked up on the rustling by the door. She shifted her eyes to see Dick standing at the door with his shoulder rested on the frame, still in pyjamas and hair rumpled from sleep. His arms dropped to his sides and he stood straighter as their eyes met.

‘You okay?’ He mouthed to her.

She responded with a small imperceptible nod of her head to reassure him but still he didn’t leave and instead stayed rooted in his spot. It oddly gave her a sense of support knowing he was there, given what she was going to say. So, she turned her attention back to Gar, bracketing his face in her hands. His cheeks were still damp to the touch but his sobs had lessened some, now only letting out quiet whimpers.

‘Garfield, I’m going to tell you something. Something I haven’t really said to anyone before.’ She dropped her hands to clasp his own. ‘When I was younger, I was captured by an enemy ship. They were called the Citadel and we’d been at war with them for years. I was...fascinating to them. They wanted to know about Tamaraneans and in that included physiology. So...they experimented on me.’

Gar’s face morphed into appalled shock at her words and when she glanced over at Dick, she found a look that mirrored his. Suddenly she was transported to her youth and was seeing that expression on every person she came into contact with when she’d escaped back home. The insidious slither of victimisation threatening to make itself known but she steeled herself and reminded herself that she was no longer a victim but a survivor. So she continued talking.

‘I won’t go into the details but it was tough, to say the least. And it took me a long time to even begin to know how to recover. This has just happened to you Gar, it’s still fresh so you need to give yourself time to heal. I know what it feels like to have your body not feel like it’s your own. Like it’s a vessel you exist outside of. It’s something I would never wish on anybody and I am so sorry you had to go through this. But I promise you, it will get easier. Maybe not as soon as you want and you’ll need a whole lot of help but you’ll get your body back and you will feel like yourself again. Perhaps not the you you were before but the you you get to decide to be. The you you get to feel comfortable existing in again...Wow, how many times can I say ‘you’ in less than 10 seconds.’

Gar let out a wounded chuckle, her quip lightening the mood slightly, just as she intended it to. He let go of her hands to swipe his own across his cheeks, drying them with the ruby hoodie he had on. He looked at her tenderly for a moment before pulled her into a tight embrace.

‘Thank you, Kory. For sharing, for being here. For everything.’ He said, voice thick with emotion and clutching her tighter.

‘Always, Gar.’ She returned the hug with equal vigour.

The cleared throat from the door had them pulling apart to see Dick smiling softly at them both.

‘Hey, come on in you guys. Before you get a cold.’ He admonished but was only met with Kory’s rolling eyes.

‘You know that’s impossible for me, Grayson.’ She chided. Then, she turned back to Gar, ruffling his hair slightly. ‘But you should go inside. Besides, I think I can smell eggs, you should get something to eat. I’ll meet you in there.’

Gar gave her one last smile before he shuffled past Dick inside, flashing another at him too. Suddenly, it was just the two of them. Dick strolled over to her and placed his hands at her waist, looking at her longingly as he pulled her closer.

‘You’ve never told me about that before.’ He stated, no hint of accusation in his tone but rather concern.

‘Yeah, well it never came up before. Plus you already know what a heinous bitch my sister is.’ She replied flatly, wrapping around her arms around his neck.

‘Your sister? What does your sister have to do with what happened to you?’ He asked incredulously.

‘She’s the reason I got captured. She gave me up to them to get rid of me but I managed to escape and make it back before she could manipulate her way to the throne.’ She said it matter of factly, as if it wasn’t one of the most damaging things that ever happened to her.

‘Holy shit, Kory, I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it some more?’

‘Later.’ She leaned forward to peck him on the lips. ‘Right now, I know there are two jelly donuts waiting for me in the fridge.’ She untangled himself from his arms and slipped past him mumbling to herself.

‘Or at least there better be, otherwise I’m burning this entire place down to the ground. My love for you guys be damned.’

Dick trailed behind her, chuckling quietly. He knew they had a lot more to talk about the topic, he could see that Kory wasn’t completely healed from it and Gar was nowhere near but they could take it one day at a time. Seeking help wherever they could.

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ts-2020-olympics · 4 years

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Episode 17 - “Bamboozle Me Faster So I Can Go To Sleep” - Sarah (FINALE)

Okay so Caeleb went out last round by a 4-3 vote against Sarah, in which, was surprised Sarah got that many votes, as I had thought Stoner was getting the votes over Sarah from the other side. End of the day though, didn't really affect much, as target still went to jury, although was by far the toughest vote yet that I have had to make, as I really do personally like Caeleb, he was just too big a threat to be keeping around. Now, I made the final 6, got a jigsaw immunity to try to win, or at least, one of myself, Stoner, Sarah or Tommy win this immunity, to keep the power on our side. Then, my ideal this round would actually be Eve going over Kevin, but, I have a feeling my side will probably want to rather target Kevin. So, will see what occurs, and go from there. If anything, might even do a vote split if one of us 4 win immunity, but time will tell. Anyways, it's surreal to believe that this game is almost over, and hoping to make final 5!

well........ y'all its a sad day, caeleb went home last night, 4-3 myself and eve in the minority with him, and its not looking too good for us. BUT WAIT RIGHT THERE.... i wake up and look in my bag and my CINNAMON APPLE CAELEB GAVE ME THE LEGACY ADVANTAGE !!!!! this acts as an idol at the final 6 which means I'm not going home !!!!! This is an incredible feeling but it still only gets me to the final 5, I have to play out from there until the end. I'm in a tricky situation with eve who I trust, but with this immunity being a puzzle i think if i really tried i could have a good shot at winning but do i risk winning 2 immunities in a row and THEN on top of that playing an advantage?? my threat level would increase SO MUCH, but it might be what i need, i dont see myself in the position to make any big flashy strategic moves in this end game, meaning i have to make a statement some other way to the jury. But do I risk losing the last 2 immunities?? It's an incredibly tough call that I have to make before i would like because i work through the challenge deadline and the first 2 hours of tribal, so i really need to get my shit together soon. I'm a lot of things but a quitter is not ones, im not in an ideal position but at least im in any position, better this than ponderosa. I just have to make the best move WHATEVER that is, and hope that it pays off in the longrun. Do i pitch a final 3 to tommy?? Would he take me to the end? Do i try and rekindle with sarah/stoner or do I bank on my relationship with darcy is enough to keep me in? So many factors, so little time, so many possibilities. Survivor gods please be on my side. Please.

Eve I love you and you're great, but you pushed way too hard to know what my vote was, then tried to vote me out. Even if I'm a goat, I'm not THAT stupid 👀 Also. Even if I don't get individual immunity, I fuckin LOVE PUZZLES

I can't believe I made it to the finale after this crazy season but it's no time to slow down I'm in the Final 6 and I need to keep playing hard because now I can be in a vulnerable position after flipping last tribal. I just need to make sure I don't go home tonight, or Darcy, or Stoner. Right now I think I can potentially win if I get to the end with the people I'm planning to so I just need to keep trying my hardest to stay afloat in this game, keep moving towards the goal and doing my best. Hopefully I end up on top! :)

CHRIS IS VOTED OUT

Final 5 and I feel like I already lost the game, but as long as they keep me I'm going to keep fighting until the end and try to win at final tribal council if I''m able to survive. I think if I can survive tonight's Final 5 tribal I have a really good shot at making it to Final 3 so it's all about making it to Final 3 at this point because I need to be there to have a shot at winning.

BAMBOOZLE ME FASTER SO I CAN GO TO SLEEP. But hey last tribal was spicy as hell idk how I keep being so stupid STONER YOU FOOL. I'm voting Darcy because I'm salty about being lied to, if I get voted out this round I'm ok with it because I made it this far anyways and I think I played an honest ass game. I'd rather go down with some dignity and no sense of moral turmoil and guilt (cough cough stoner) than go lying through my teeth to people I kinda like talking to. Also I watched tribal at 2am and never went to sleep again and am moderately delirious so catch me on no beauty sleep tonight only <3

IM IN THE FINAL 5 BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY I WON IMMUNITY AND IM IN THE FINAL 4, BY 1 FREAKING POINT!!!! god bless...... i didnt confess last round so lets jump back... actually i might've but not after that TRIBAL. So basically i won immunity and had the legacy advantage which meant me and eve were in the final 5, but not everyone knew that, when i did my talking it seemed as though the consensus was DARCY... or so i thought, but either way I didnt want darcy out which meant I had to do something, despite eve wanting darcy too with my legacy advantage being the key component to that whole round I knew stoner had to go home after our last conversation together, practically threatening me and telling me im a big threat and im gonna go home, all while cockily saying he's not going anywhere, and continuously talking about how keeping him is good because he's gonna do what's "convenient" but guess what stoner, you can't reason with convenience, so he had to go. so I told eve we should do stoner instead, the threat of him having an idol had been around since the final 7 and with next round the last time to play one and my legacy being good until 6 i was in a tricky spot, so I swapped mine and eves votes to stoner and luckily they split they're votes somehow for some reason and after eves 2 were cancelled the vote was 2-2 which could have ended up as a tie but with myself and eve both SAFE we had nothing to lose to campaign at tribal why stoner should go and how we aren't going to flip our votes, in the end it worked and 4-0. After tribal i approach sarah considering her allies just blindsided her to which i am presented with the idea that she wants DARCY gone, cracks were already forming which is JUST WHAT I WANTED, i knew stoner was the glue holding sarah and darcy together if at all considering each of their relationships to him, so cutting him out broke the ice on the darcy vs sarah fued. Fast forward to now, i win immunity after a STRESSFUL FUCKING DAY OF THIS CHALLENGE, but i won so im GRATEFUL. Anyways it seems like people still wanna do Darcy, tommy and eve included, HOWEVER, if i had it my way tommy would go home tonight, he's a big physical threat and if FIC is a pressure cooker I don't see myself beating him, and if i can use this to keep darcy on my side and potentially protect me if eve flips on me at four then thats great, if not that then darcy and sarah can continue to be at each others throats while me and eve go to the final 3.

DARCY IS VOTED OUT

SARAH IS VOTED OUT

Tonight is final trial! I need all the luck I can get, tonight it the determining factor that will show who the winner of this long chaotic season will be, stay tuned!

FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL TAKES PLACE

Well tonight after final tribal council it feels like I have no chance, I was thrown off by nicole (Rightfully so) and didn't know how to recover. Ive learned how Egotistical and how much of a bully people see me as. I really dont see a point in winning a game if people think im those things. I really hope kevin gets his second win and joins the ranks of 2 time winners, he really deserves it, hes so kind and has been typing to me while i was crying after that all. To say the least, I dont know what else to say in this game, I had a lot of fun getting to know people. I played hard, but unfortunately I guess I need to do some self work from the sounds of it. Maybe I'm just taking Nicoles speech about me to hard, but i really thought me and her made up. Clearly, theres still some things that need to be discussed between the two of us. I never meant to hurt anyones feelings, put down anyone, or make people feel like they where beneath me, but I guess i did, and I have to own that now. This game really has reminded me of why 1) I am in this community because of the AMAZING PEOPLE ive met and 2) Why i need to take a break from them, because at the end of the day, I clearly have a lot to work on to make sure im not an egotistical bully, for some reason those words stuck with me more than anything else that was said tonight. Thank you monty and gage for the AMAZING season and the good times, sorry if my game was not as good as it could be. I feel like ive crawled my way up from the bottom so many times. And here I am sitting at FTC, feeling on the bottom again.

#zestypowerfuluniqueflavorfulhealthy #confessionals

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an-ace-phoenix · 5 years

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Whumptober Day 4

4 - human shield

Peter swallowed. He didn't quite know how this was going to go. Either he would be fine, he would continue helping people and would be back at school on Monday, or he would never wake up and leave everyone he cared about to mourn.

Obviously though, he was Spiderman. He couldn't let the families of these children mourn just so that his family didn't have to. The civilian always came first.

It was rather odd. He was being quite matter of fact about the whole thing. Anyone would think he didn't care if he lived or died. He did care, but he also knew what he was signing up for when he started this. He could save these children - so he would - and then even if he died, his life would not be wasted.

Red pulled the trigger and Peter stood taller. He was ready. The children were safe. And if he never felt again - well that was a problem for later.

"Goodbye Spiderman."

~ Earlier That Day ~

"Hey Peter!" May said with a smile as Peter walked into the kitchen, "You going to be crawling tonight?"

Crawling was the code they had come up with for spidermanning. It wasn't exactly a genius code word - but it did its job and was just cryptic enough to stop anyone from figuring anything out.

"Yep, do you know what time you'll be back from the hospital?"

"Not until late, it depends on how many people are off. Even if I'm not back, your curfew is still 2am, ok."

May had been taking longer and longer shifts at the moment. She said that Peter may save people by being Spiderman, but she saved people by working in a hospital. Peter understood, he had to get his desire to help people from somewhere.

"Ok. I'll be back as soon after 2 as I can. I'm not just going to drop everything and go home on the dot."

"I know you won't. Just, stay safe. Remember, I love you, you better get back in one piece."

Peter rolled his eyes. May said this every time he went out crawling. Every time. Sure, he got injured from time to time, but he was normally fine.

"I will, I promise."

~ Later That Night ~

Thwip

Peter swung through the streets. He felt free. Spidermanning always brought him a feeling of freedom when he swung.

He loved saving people. He loved knowing that he had helped. He loved knowing that he had changed people's lives, changed their fate.

"Hey Karen." He said to his AI "anyone around who needs help?"

There was a thoughtful whirring sound from Karen as she ran a search before beeping.

"There is nothing on the scanners that the police can't handle. Your curfew is in 5 minutes so you should probably head home."

Peter nodded, knowing that Karen would be able to pick up on his head movements.

He quickly started heading back in the direction of home, swinging through the streets and enjoying his last bit of freedom before he headed home and had to get ready for school tomorrow.

"Peter?" Came a voice from the Comms in his mask.

"Tony?" Peter was slightly surprised at hearing Tony's voice. Normally at this time at night - or morning more like - Tony was either asleep or in his Lab. Definitely not out and about in his suits. That was Peter's job. He did the streets, Tony did he end of the world stuff.

"Yep, do you have time to swing by, there appears to be a hostage situation which the police can't deal with, I'm heading in that direction but can you come for back up?"

"I just had Karen perform a scan?" He said confused. Surely a hostage situation would show up on the scan and Karen would have sent him there.

"It won't be on the scanners yet, as of right now, it's off the books. I'm sending the police a call right now but I need you to head over as a backup."

"Sure, I'll be right over, send the coordinates."

Peter was always shocked when Tony sought him out for help. It was strange, Tony was like a dad to him and actually seemed to want to spend time with the spider kid. He had May, and he loved her to bits, but he had never expected another father figure, especially after the first two had died. He had thought that that was it. Cruel circumstance had ripped any hope for a dad away from him. And then Tony came along.

"Sending right now."

Karen beeped to show that she had received them, so Peter quickly said "Set the coordinates, I can head home after."

"Ok Peter, don't take too long though, you don't want to be too late for your curfew."

"Don't worry, I'll be back, before anyone realises it."

Peter quickly followed the course which Karen plotted in front of his eyes, making sure not to fall but still going quickly enough that he would get to the incident in time.

As soon as he arrived at the house he jumped through one of the upstairs windows. He could hear Tony moving around downstairs, he appeared to be talking to someone, so Peter focused his attention in the 6 children in front of him.

They were all fairly young, the eldest probably 8 and the youngest about 5. Peter had no idea what they were doing here - in the middle of the night and all that - but they were clearly all scared.

"Hello there." He said gently to all the children "what are you all doing here?"

The 8 year old walked forwards, a star struck look in his eyes, "you're Spiderman!"

"Yes I am and I'm here to save you, what's going on."

"The men - the bad men - grabbed us. I don't know what they want."

The child had started sounding panicked so Peter quickly cut him off.

"It's ok, I'm here, I'll save you. What's your name?"

"I'm Asa." Asa replied, looking overjoyed that Spiderman now knew his name.

"Well Asa. Nice to meet you. It'll be ok, I promise."

Peter carefully listened to the house. There was Tony talking to a man, but only one man. The child said men, that would mean more than one, if he were to believe the child. So where were the others?

He narrowed down his senses, focusing on his hearing and searching for more people. It only took him a moment, for almost instantly he heard the sound of a gun cocking and a man breathing.

It was coming from outside the door.

"Get behind me, quick." He hissed at the crowd of children, herding then behind his back.

"Hello Spiderman." A voice said as a man walked into the room, "I'm Red, it's nice to meet you."

Peter looked carefully at the gun, loaded and pointed at him and the children, "yeah? I wish I could say the same to you."

"Oh Spiderman. The same dry humour and sharp wit you were rumours to have." The man - Red - deadpanned.

Peter couldn't tell if he was being serious or not. Right at that moment he couldn't register anything other than a loaded gun being pointed at him, 6 children behind him and Tony distracted downstairs.

He didn't know exactly what caused it, but as soon as he realisation set in that he had to save the kids, Asa and the others, he calmed right down. It didn't matter if he died, he just needed to save them.

Even if it meant being a human shield, he would protect them. Hopefully the gunshot would alert Tony to the man and Tony would be able to run up and stop Red from hurting anyone. Anyone else anyway.

"Goodbye Spiderman."

Peter gasped as he felt the cool bite of the metal. Then the burning pain as it buried itself into his chest.

He could hear screaming. He didn't know whether it was coming from himself, the children or both. It didn't really matter to him.

He instantly felt his eyesight start to blur but he held himself up, he needed to shield the children until Tony came.

He was a couple of seconds away from kneeling over when Tony burst into the room. He took one look around before blasting Red with a repulser. Enough to knock him out, not enough to kill. He quickly ran over and grabbed Peter into his arms. Peter whimpered slightly at the slight jostling of the bullet before he whispered out.

"The children."

Tony nodded as he gathered Peter up into his arms.

"Come on," Tony said gently to the children, walking down the stairs making sure they were following.

Peter hurt. Every part of his being hurt. But he knew that Tony would keep every child in this area safe, him included, even if that just meant making sure he didn't die alone.

He was kind of glad. If he was ever going to die when out spidermanning - he was glad Tony was here.

"Don't you die on me." Tony hissed as Peter's eye lids started to flutter, "hang in there kid."

Peer didn't want to die. He didn't. But he was just so tired. He just wanted to sleep. But he also wanted to do as Tony said, so that's what he would do. He would suck it up and hang in there.

He knew it wasn't that easy. That he had no real control - however much he wished he did - but he could try. And trying was all he could do.

The police arrived almost as soon as they stepped out of the house - into the biting wind of the night. Tony quickly sent the children with them - Peter detachedly feeling glad that they would be safe - before gathering Peter tighter and flying to the medbay.

Peter didn't quite know when, but at some point he must have passed out, either from pain or from blood loss.

His head hurt and it felt like he was swimming out of a strangely twisty dream as he emerged to the surface of reality.

He was definitely in the medbay, the blinding lights and chemical smells spelling that out for him. Tony appeared to be curled up into the chair next to him, but as Peter tried to sit up, then hissed in pain at moving, Tony stirred.

"Peter?"

"Yea." Peter coughed out, his voice rough.

"You're ok!" Tony gasped pulling him into a hug, mindful of his injuries.

"The children?" Peter asked, his voice breaking slightly. They needed to be safe, they needed to be. He couldn't quite remember what had happened after he had been shot - his last memory being acting as a human shield - but they needed to be ok. It would make all this pain worth it.

"They're safe. You saved them." Tony assured.

Peter let out a sigh of relief. It was worth it. No matter what happened or would happen. It was worth it.

#whumptober 2019 #no 4 #day 4 #human shield #any mistakes blame google docs

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travelexperienceblog · 5 years

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Over the last 3 years, I have visited 31 different countries, which makes writing this article a difficult task. Nevertheless after much deliberation, I have come up with the top 5 countries that I have visited!

5. At number 5 on the list is Vietnam. In the summer of 2017, I spent 17 days in Vietnam and started my travels in Hanoi. Before setting off to Asia, I pre-booked through Vietnam Backpackers Hostel trips to Halong Bay and Sapa. I also booked a weeks long adventure down the coast of Vietnam called the Buffalo Run.

Being able to spend a couple of days on your own private island at Castaway was such an unreal experience. Arriving on the island with a hundred different people, you get to do pretty much whatever you want. Drinking all day, booze cruise, kayaking, wake boarding, rock climbing and much more! Knowing you’re doing all of this in one of the world’s natural wonders definitely makes you savour every moment more.

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Having a nights recovery, we set off on a 6 hour sleeper coach to Sapa. Spending a night out a luxury hotel we rented bikes and rode around the Sapa mountains. Bar a scary moment when I fell off my bike, I think I enjoyed Sapa more than Ha Long Bay. Being able to see some incredible views with the mountain ranges silhouetting in the background was awesome. The highlight of Sapa without doubt was the 2 day trek through the mountains, which included a home stay.

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After returning back to Hanoi, we set off on our week-long adventure down to the south of Vietnam. Meeting people from all over the world unquestionably made the whole experience better. Probably the most enjoyable part of the Buffalo Run was driving the Hai Van Pass in ex-Vietnam War army jeeps. Being able to do this is something that I will never forget and would recommend anyone who visits Vietnam to do!

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4. Number 4 on my list is Thailand. My first experience to Thailand was after I visited Vietnam. Originally starting in the Thai Islands + Krabi, I can only describe these places as absolutely mad. If partying and drinking are your things then look no further than Koh Phi Phi. Although personally, Koh Tao is my favourite Island out of the four we visited, all the islands offer their own unique experience. Unfortunately, we messed up and missed the full moon party at Koh Phangan which definitely left a sour taste.

Why Koh Tao was my favourite island is because I loved diving so much. We originally just did a fun dive and then left Koh Tao, however, as Haydn and I enjoyed the fun dive so much we came back to the island after one day to get our open water licenses. I also liked how chill the island seemed – probably because everyone just wanted to dive or chill with a beer.

We then moved onto Krabi and continued partying before moving onto Bangkok and then the north of Thailand. The north of Thailand is epic and I really do want to explore this region more. So far, I have only visited Chiang Mai and Pai but both places are just incredible! I have since been back to Thailand another 5 times and spent around 8 months of my life there. I recently visited Ayutthaya, the ancient capital of Thailand as well as Phuket and both places are just so different from each other but also sums up Thailand so well. I like that Thailand offers the traditional Thai style in some places, but then in other places, you’re having mad parties with everyone from around the world.

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3. This one may surprise a lot of people, but Guatemala is definitely in the top 3 places that I have visited. Spending only around a week here we had to rush many things, but I could have easily spent months travelling this country. This country is just epic and has SO much to offer!

Prior to travelling to Guatemala, we read and were told all the scare stories about muggings, shootings and killings. However, after enduring a difficult trip in India we did feel ready for what we expected to see. Nevertheless, these scare stories could not have been further from the truth! What I will say is that Guatemala does have a high crime rate so do be careful but go open-minded!

After landing in Guat City we took a uber to Antigua which is an old colonial town. What I loved about Antigua was just the chillness of the place. We visited the markets, chilled by our hostels pool and ate a lot of traditional Guatemalan food! One awesome thing you can do from Antigua is climb Acatenango (Volcano) where you get to camp overnight on an active volcano! This was definitely one of many highlights from Guatemala.

From Antigua we took a 12 hour overnight coach ride to Tikal, where we went and saw the ancient Mayan ruins. Tikal again has a very travellers feel to it and if that’s what you like then Tikal is perfect. What also made my experience of Tikal so good was that we met some people that we spent a couple of days with that we really got on with! It is also a good gateway to go and visit Semuc Champey (although 7 hours away) it’s worth the long uncomfortable minibus drive.

Semuc Champey is just one of the must see places of Guatemala in my opinion. It’s just an incredible place! Although there are only two hostels in Semuc Champey, we opted for the one that was in the middle of the jungle and we definitely made the right choice! Sleeping in the middle of the Guatemalan jungle was an interesting experience, as well as an enjoyable one. During our time in Semuc Champey, we visited the national park, jumped off a 20m Waterfall and went caving. Like Antigua, I really wish we had more time to just relax in Semuc Champey because it was just one of those places where you sat back and just thought about how awesome life is.

Unfortunately, as we only had a week by being on such a tight schedule, we couldn’t do everything that we would have wanted to do in Guatemala. Lake Atitlan is one such place that I really did want to visit, however it does give me a great excuse to plan another trip back!

2. Iceland is number 2 on my list. Iceland was probably my first out-and-out nature trip and its got me hooked to do more of this kind of travelling. Anyone who has been to Iceland can vouch for the spectacular geography on show. As we didn’t have much time in Iceland due to university and money, we really tried to cram everything in a small time frame. This meant sometimes going to sleep at 1/2am and waking up at 6/7am.

Reykjavik

One of the highlights of the Iceland trip was visiting Pingvellir National Park. Here we decided to go snorkelling through the North Atlantic Ridge (which is the separation between the North American plate and the Eurasian plate). You also have the chance to scuba dive here if you wish but unfortunately we could not do that as we didn’t have our license. Oh and also make sure your dry suit is zipped up properly (Unlike Max), or you’ll feel 2 c water rushing in!

Pingvellir

Coastline

Pingvellir

Gullfoss is another cool area that we visited. One of the best natural things that I have experienced is definitely seeing a Geyser erupt! Although having to wait every 10 minutes to see it explode in the freezing cold isn’t that nice, the eruption is worth the wait. Gullfoss also has a series of some pretty awesome waterfalls that you can check out after the Geysers.

Geysir

Gulfoss

From here we went to a place that we hadn’t heard much about, Hraunfossar. We did take a bit of risk driving here because it was about 2-3 hours away from Reykjavik which is where we were basing ourselves. However, I am so glad that we took the risk because the waterfalls were just stunning and arguably still the best waterfalls that I have seen. What also made the whole region so good was the huge Volcano in the background, as well as the breathtaking scenery we saw on the drive.

Hraunfosser

Iceland also gave me the chance to tick 2 items off my bucket list: The Blue Lagoon, and the Northern Lights. As you can imagine being able to do both of these things was just immense! The Blue Lagoon, although expensive, was just such a cool experience and is 100% better than what you see on Facebook. Probably THE highlight of the trip though was being able to see the Northern Lights. Not only did we get to see them but we were able to get some amazing pictures of them dancing around!

Aurora

We also had the opportunity to explore the southern coast of Iceland which is part of the Iceland ring road. Black Sand Beach and Fjaoragljufu are probably my favourites things that we saw on the south coast.

Fjaorargljufu

Jokulsarlon

Skogafoss

sejlandsfoss

Although I had an amazing time in Iceland, and managed to tick 2 items off my bucket list, I simply didn’t spend enough time here and also had a really disappointing day whilst whale watching, that for now, Iceland cannot be the best place that I have visited.

1. So the big finale.. What’s my number one place I have visited? Have you guessed yet? Well… It’s Norway! The plan was to travel from the south to the north and back down to Oslo again in just 8 days by car. A total of 5,500km! Although extremely ambitious the fact we got to do everything that we planned I think only made the trip even better. Even the immigration officer told us “Good luck!” Despite Oslo being underwhelming, the rest of the trip was just phenomenal and one that I would unquestionably do all over again.

For me the trip really started when we got to Stavanger, where we took a ferry over to Tou. Here, we completed the Pedersgata Hike which was a magical experience. We were walking through the middle of the forest in the mountains, when it started to snow! Although it’s hard to convey how cool this was, it’s absolutely one of the best hikes I’ve ever done. On our second day in Stavanger (also our last) we drove to Frafjord, which is a huge fjord which is unbelievably picturesque. This is one of the reasons which makes Norway just such a good place to see, because you constantly stop and get out of the car to take a photo as the scenery is just spectacular.

From here we visited a waterfall called Manafossen, which was a massive waterfall where you just stood and marvelled at the beauty around you. Manafossen is undoubtedly one of the best waterfalls that I have seen! We then visited a place called Gloppedalsura which has stunning rock formations surrounded by stunning mountains and lakes on either side. Honestly, Stavanger and the surrounding areas are just simply beautiful and if you can only spare a couple of days then Stavanger isn’t a bad option! Weirdly enough, we only came to Stavanger because Haydn had to get a later flight than us.. Luckily!

After picking up Haydn, we drove to Bergen where again, we only spent a day exploring the area. Although this doesn’t seem much time I do think that this is enough time in Bergen because in spite of Bergen being aesthetically pleasing, there wasn’t that much to do here. We did climb up a mountain called Ulriken and got to Montana point which did give some awesome views of the city. Personally, I do think this is the best thing you can do in Bergen as the “World’s famous fish market” didn’t really seem like a market.

The second part of our trip is where I think it got even better but also more challenging! We began by leaving Bergen and driving for 7-hours to Geirangerfjord. After a bit of faffing about, we took a ferry through the middle of the fjord which offered some breathtaking scenery. The fjord is simply a must see place if you’re travelling Norway. It’s one of the places where you constantly are stopping the car at every single view-point to take a picture.

The next part was where it got really tough. We had a 21-hour journey up to Lofoten Island which in hindsight was probably a little stupid. However, completely worth it! Despite the fact that we didn’t really get to see much of Lofoten Island and probably could have spent 3 or 4 days here, I’m still so glad that we at least got the chance to see it! As we didn’t have much time, and we still had to get to Tromso and then all the way back down to Oslo in the next 2 days, we decided to go and see one of its best fjords (Trollfjord). As we were now in the Arctic circle, there were only 4 or 5 hours of daylight here so the skyline was permanently amazing! The colours that bounced of the lakes, mountains and snow just made the place unbelievably stunning.

Unfortunately, we had to leave and plough on for another 6 hours to Tromso, which is weirdly one of my favourite cities. Although we only spent about 15 hours here, I just really liked the chill, beautiful look the city gave you. We originally hoped we would be lucky enough to see the northern lights again. However, we were not so lucky and that did put us down a little. Nevertheless, we decided that on our last proper day travelling we should do something awesome to top the trip off. We contemplated whale watching but after a disappointing time in doing this in Iceland, there were no guarantees that we would see one here. Therefore, we decided to pay £180, yes… £180.. To husky sledge!! (Probably one of the best activities I have ever done even for the price). As someone who owns a dog, being able to spend 3 hours with the dogs and also be able to go sledging with the sun setting was just a unique experience. This absolutely ended the trip on a huge high and is why Norway is my favourite place that I have visited. Although some of you maybe gawking at the price, honestly, it’s just such an incredible activity, and you’re getting to do it with amazing scenery in the Arctic circle. For me you couldn’t really ask for anything more!

The final thing for me which really made this trip my best, is probably the fact that we had complete freedom to go to any place and to leave any place any time that we wanted. Although we had our outbound flight booked already due to university commitments, we only had a rough itinerary of places that we researched were good to see. This kind of freedom allowed us to really get to see the very best of Norway in the little time that we had, and I’m so glad that we went!

Countries I have visited 2015-2018.

Belgium Cambodia Costa Rica Cuba Czech Republic France Germany Greece Guatemala Hong Kong Hungary Iceland India Indonesia Ireland Italy Japan Latvia Malaysia Mexico Netherlands Norway Oman Poland Portugal Scotland Singapore Spain Thailand Vietnam Wales

Top 5 Countries That I Have Travelled (2015-18) Over the last 3 years, I have visited 31 different countries, which makes writing this article a difficult task.

#Animals #Blog #Blogging #driving #Food #friends #Fun #Guatemala #guides #History #Iceland #norway #Party #People #Sun #Thailand #Travel #vietnam

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imnotsebastiansten · 5 years

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Who was the last attractive person you saw? hmm not sure Would you consider yourself a complicated person? i probably am Do you have a tattoo? If not, are you going to get one? im thinking of getting one sometime in the future but idk yet Have you smoked a cigarette in the last 24 hours? nope What emotions are you feeling right now? neutral What are you currently doing? im waiting for my phone to charge and im listening to music Do you miss anybody? i mean yea who doesnt Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? not really How has this week been? pretty cool i guess Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? definitely not everyone tho What do you want most right now? good question man idk a bff Do you remember your dreams? bits and bits but i usually forget most of them oof What will you name your son? loki yolo What will you name your daughter? umm idk margo What is your favorite number? 11 What time did you go to sleep last night? i think it was around 2am Are you afraid of falling in love? not really Do you have a weird little sister? yes Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? i kinda want an industrial but i know it hurts so uhhhh Are you one of those people that always answer their phones? fuck no Where would you like to be right now? im in my room so im fine Are you in a good mood? yea im kinda sleepy tho What SHOULD you be doing right now? sleep Are you currently looking forward to tomorrow? i mean sort of but at the same time not really Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow? yes a bit What do you hear right now? tokio hotel - easy If you died today would your life be complete? fuck no If you are being extremely quiet, what does that mean? im either upset or i just dont have anything to say Do you know what high school your dad went to? yes omg and i found out in the most awkward way, i was walking past it and i asked him if hes ever been inside that school because its huge and he was there like ”i studied here” hbchjsbh What time will you be getting up tomorrow morning? 10am maybe? When you have nightmares, do you wake up crying? nah, it never happened to me Is your last name longer than 6 letters? yes How are things between you and the person you like? i dont like anyone at the moment Last time you had butterflies in your stomach? idk What were you doing at 7:45AM this morning? i was asleep lol Where would you rather live, England or Italy? england Do you have any pets? yes!!!! i have a cat after 15 years of begging my mom What’s your favorite color? green When was the last time you cried? 3 weeks ago i think What will you be doing at 3pm tomorrow? i will be done with school

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hollygopossumlovesj2 · 6 years

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Thermostat War

Inspired by this photo posted by: @justjensenanddean <3

Warning/Rating: PG-13 for cussing and a little violence; comedy, borderline crackish

Word Count: 2,426 (This was supposed to be a drabble. Its now a one shot. hehe)

Summary: Jensen arranges for he, Jared and Misha to share a cabin close to the ‘on location’ shoot. He figured that it would save a drive in the morning and would allow for more sleep. He belatedly realizes his mistake.

Hollygopossum’s Master List

Sharing a cabin close to the next on location filming had been Jensen’s idea. He already dealt with Jared and Misha on a daily basis. How bad could sharing a cabin one night possibly be? He’d take some Benadryl if he had to. Surely they could be adults for just one night?

He was wrong.

To start with, everyone had been tired from a long night of filming the night before. The car ride over to the next location had been blissfully calm. Jared had brooded quietly with his ear buds in and Pearl Jam jacked up so loud that Jensen could actually pick out lyrics.

Misha had contorted himself into what Jensen considered a pretzel in the passenger seat but didn’t put anymore brain power than necessary trying to figure out a better description. Misha spent the entire car ride like this, humming to Jared’s music and reading a book entitled Tantric Orgasms.

Fortunately, Cliff was used to everyone’s habits by now and had learned to tune them out so that he could actually concentrate on the road. Which Jensen felt was a good thing because the longer they were on this road, the curvier it became.

Lastly, Jensen also tried to perfect his talent of tuning everyone out while reading over some emails that contained business information for his new brewery. Once he realized he was reading the same sentence from the same email he had been trying to read for however long, he cleared his phone screen and let his head lull back on the seat.

Once they arrived at the cabin around 2am, their dinner was prepared and waiting for them. Well, Jensen supposed that it was probably more appropriate to call it breakfast, but his tired brain tossed that idea out. He grabbed a few rolls and several pieces of ham and cheese.

To be honest, he didn’t even have the energy to make himself a sandwich. So, while he unpacked his necessities for tonight and the next day of shooting, he ate the individual pieces. He was shoving the last roll in his mouth as he stripped all his clothes off except for his boxers and fell face first into bed. If Jensen was being honest, he wasn’t even sure if he was awake to finish chewing and swallowing his food before he fell headlong into slumber.

It was fair to say that Jensen was a heavy sleeper. He had learned to get sleep when he could. Whether it was a ten-minute break between filming balled up in his chair or on the ten-minute ride home, he’d learned to make the most of his time.

So when he woke up, freezing his ass off, it was fair to say that it was a rather large disparity in temperature since he’d fallen asleep. Which meant that someone had screwed with the thermostat.

Jensen rolled into a sitting position with a groan, his joints popping and cracking as he went. It took him a moment to wake up enough to put one foot in front of the other and find the thermostat.

There was a seriously grumpy twist to his features as he hobbled down the hall way with his socks sliding halfway off of his feet and his hair tufts sticking in all directions. Jensen squinted in the low light, trying to read the setting. “Fucking… Damnit, Jared! Fucking feels like a goddamn ice box in here. 60 degrees. Jesus.” He grumbled in a harsh whisper, quickly moving the temperature up to 75F. That was a reasonable temperature in his mind and he promptly fell back into bed, crawling beneath the covers.

Two hours later…

When Jensen woke up the second time, the red numbers from the clock on his nightstand read 4:32 am. His mind quickly supplied that it was two hours before the time they needed to be up and taking a quick shower. He was actually shivering beneath the heavy quilt that the cabin owners had provided. His teeth were chattering for fucks sake!

Again, he stomped out of the room in grumpy, rumpled and now freezing disarray, and to the thermostat that was now set on 55 degrees. “Mother fucker…” He wasn’t very careful with the thermostat as he turned it up to 80F. “See how Jared likes that.” He grumbled down the hall, headed back to bed. He checked the closet for extra blankets and piled them on the bed. Thinking that when it finally warmed up from fucking 55F, he would shed the blankets off.

An hour and a half later…

The third time he woke up, he could swear he had fucking snot icicles in his nose. He stared down the red numbers that said 6 am in a very ‘displeased with his current situation’ squint. It was 30 minutes until they needed to be awake and getting ready. Jensen was livid. He snatched up his blankets and a pillow, turned the thermostat up to 85F and stretched out on the couch to wait.

15 minutes later, after the cabin had finally begun to warm up and Jensen was starting to dose off, there were heavy footsteps coming down the hall.

Jensen squinted into the dark, biding his time while he silently watched the hulking, lanky culprit starts to adjust the thermostat.

“Fucking Jensen. Jesus, it’s a goddamned sauna in here. My fucking hair is soaked!” Jensen heard Jared muttering harshly, confirming the identity of his enemy. There was no point in going back to sleep now. There were only ten minutes left of quality sleep before he’d have to be in the shower.

A sunrise shoot, they said. It’ll have a great effect, they said. Jensen felt like they could shove their sunrise shoot at the perfect angle up their asses. He didn’t care that they were his bosses. At the moment, he didn’t care that the director felt this shot of the last scene of the last episode of the season would increase the feelings of nostalgia. Screw nostalgia and screw Jared Padalecki.

“You hot natured stubborn son of a bitch!” Jensen yelled out a war cry before tackling Jared to the ground, but he didn’t manage to pin the sweaty man before he rolled. Sweat dripped from Jared’s face onto Jensen’s shirt as they struggled on the ground, bumping into furniture and walls.

Jensen saw a point of weakness in Jared’s wrestling hold and put all of his weight from dislodging it and getting the upper hand. The move, sloppy because neither one of them was completely awake, knocked down a lamp and sent some coasters falling to their doom. In the background of things falling loudly to the mahogany hard wood floors, several grunts of discomfort and frustration could be heard.

It was hard to tell where each of the noises came from as the boys (ehem, grown men, actually) continued to battle senselessly for control of the wrestling match and control of the thermostat. Which, if Jensen or Jared had even stopped to think about it, there was no point in victory that would allow the victor 2 minutes in their desired temperature. They would be getting ready for work soon.

Jared was difficult to hold on to with all the sweat, or at least that’s what Jensen told himself when Jared wiggled out of every hold. “Ugh, you’re gross! What did you do? Slather yourself with self-tanning lotion?” Jensen growled as Jared’s wet hair slapped him in the face. “Fuck!”

“I wouldn’t be gross if you weren’t trying to roast me the fuck out of the house! It would be more comfortable sleeping outside! Fucking 80 degrees, really?!” Jared with his long limbs finally wound around Jensen with a successful hold around his chest and neck. They were almost face to face, Jensen being on head space down, glaring at one another with the deepest amount of disdain possible for a war involving the thermostat.

“Lemme up, damnit!” Jensen growled right before Jared shoved Jensen’s face into his sweaty, stinking arm pit in retaliation. “Oh mrgd! You uckin’ ackash!” Jared smiled vindictively as Jensen continued to yell muffled insults at the top of his lungs as he struggled which only proved to make Jared laugh more. “’othser uckser… ucks!”

“What in the hell?” The light turned on abruptly, making both of the boys squint uncomfortably in the direction of the stairs. Well, Jared assumed Jensen was squinting because his face was still shoved in his arm pit.

Misha was on the bottom step, standing with his hands on his hips and a scowl firmly in place. The expression made Jared think momentarily that Misha’s expression was like Castiel’s when he was informed that he would have to poop when his grace was taken. You know, when he was forced to live like the rest of humanity? “What the fuck is going on?” Misha’s hair was a rat’s nest. His black hair was sticking up in all directions, paired with a look that either Castiel has smelled poop for the first time or some other human, vulnerable activity, made Jared’s chest heave with suppressed laughter.

As he acknowledged that this play was futile, Jensen began elbowing Jared in the gut with all his strength. The hold Jared had him in made it awkward to even be able to land a blow. Plus, by the time Jensen finally landed a jab, Jared was already prepared and tightening his abdominals against the impact. “Fuschin, ssssshow -ff!”

Jared laughed at his friend’s muffled cussing and feeble attempts to break free. “He started it.” He finally answered after he could get the sleepy delirious laughter under control. Childishly, he pointed his finger at Jensen who was now starting to thrash around rather violently, kicking his feet and narrowly missing the coffee table that had managed to stay standing through the entire affair.

Jensen was extremely frustrated because he couldn’t get any traction on the floor due to the socks he was wearing. After he struggled for a little while longer, his brain finally came back on line from being sleep deprived (and now quality oxygen deprived) just in time to play dirty. A pained yelp, followed by several creative curse words could probably be heard all the way into the next fucking city.

Jared immediately let go as Jensen, who had managed to work his hand between them, twisted the fuck out of his nipple. Jensen showed no mercy and it occurred to both of them that this was why the never pitted themselves against each other. It always ended up with someone having a black eye and a bruised as fuck nipple. Jared’s nipples were sensitive, damnit!

“Ha!!” Jensen was exultant while taking big gulping breaths of non-pit stain or onions. “Purple nerple for the win, bitches!” Jared was giving Jensen pouty puppy eyes as he massaged his abused, probably seriously bruised, tender nipple. The fucker was like a starving crab, his pinschers unforgiving to delicate flush.

Jared suddenly thought of a conversation that his Mom had with his sister, Megan, when she was sixteen and just finding out that she couldn’t necessarily tweak people at school like she did with her brothers. My Mom had said, as I had lingered in the doorway looking for black mail material to keep Megan from getting too bratty, “You must treat them like cotton candy. Breast tissue is very sensitive. …You mustn’t let anyone abuse your breasts.”

Megan had replied with a sentence that made my Mom feel like she’d been heard and that Megan understood. I’m pretty sure, Megan the ever naughty little sister, did not restrain herself.

You must treat them like cotton candy…

“You sound like a sixteen-year-old girl, you ass.” Jared grumbled as he came back to the present situation. He found that he’d reflexively used his hands a shield, in case Jensen decided to be handsy again.

He looked ridiculous.

Jensen was now delirious and crowing laughter as tears started to appear at the corner of his eyes. To be honest, if you’d asked him in that moment ‘what are you laughing at?’, Jensen wouldn’t be able to tell you. He’d just seemingly lost his fucking marbles.

“What the fuck?” Misha shook his head, the entire time massaging his temples with his eyes closed as he attempted to wake up enough to deal with this shit. He finally stopped to look at each of his coworkers, the people that he called friends and colleagues. “Idiots.”

Jensen was still laughing and Jared was still pouting five minutes later, the temperature of the house headed towards a Death Valley heat wave. If these morons were going to continue to lose it, he was going to actually do something productive while he tried to remind himself why he still really wanted to play Castiel. He tried to remember why he would subject himself to this kind of crap daily.

He sighed heavily as he turned the thermostat down to 70 degrees. The boys were not paying him any attention as they laughed and squabbled between themselves. Internally, Misha wondered how a 35-year-old and a 40-year-old man could possibly raise children when they were still children themselves.

“What a bunch of fuckwits…” He grumbled affectionately as he then turned towards the direction of the bathroom. He was expecting another childish fight over bathroom time and intended to nip it in the bud. Right before he slammed the door, he yelled, “First shower’s mine, assholes!” He smiled maniacally at the groans of disapproval ground out on the other side of the door. “That’ll teach you. Dicks.”

Needless to say, Jensen and Jared’s day did not start off very well. Nor did it get any better for all three of them. Through the entire day, Jensen and Jared could be seen throwing each other glares promising retribution. While Misha looked on from a safe distance, still baffled as to how these men were actually raising part of the future.

Misha thought that the boys were lucky that they had their looks. Otherwise, they wouldn’t even begin to be able to maintain a job in the real world. As the day dragged on, Misha began to notice that Jared and Jensen were back to spending time together between takes. They even took a late lunch together with the crew, not one wrestling match to be had.

So, when they were finally allowed to go home for the day, all was forgiven until the next time a thermostat war was declared. Then? Misha shuddered to think of it.

Tagging: (Forevers) @perpetualabsurdity, @maileann, @daydreamingintheimpala, @gecko9596, @gemini75eeyore, @jotink78, @dancingalone21, @winchesterprincessbride, @sandlee44, @exploratiionist, @arryn-nyx, @littledarlinhavefaithinme, @tiffanycaruso, @boredoutofmymindstuff, @feelmyroarrrr, @raeganr99, @ruprecht0420, @anokhi07, @letsgetyourdeanon, @sis-tafics, @callmesatansprincess, @atc74, @ryansgirl5509, @notnaturalanahi, @keepcalmandcarryondean, @sea040561, @just-another-busy-fangirl, @uniquewerewolfsuit, @ria132love, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @pretty-fortune, @butiaintgonnaloveem, @justanotherdeangrl, @weasleywinchester, @easelweasel, @akshi8278, @tas898, @mandymoiselle1970, @pansexualmeteorite, @silver9mm

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theactivememoir · 4 years

Text

This, was the Hardest Fall 11.17.19-2.5.2020

Warning: ~10,600 words, This one is long. And very painful.

My life turned to hell in a matter of months, I left California 1.5 years ago and ever since then it turned into one big mess, and took all the strength I could muster to change that. But it took waking up. And one day I finally did it, I woke up.

But let me start from how this all got started.

I got broken up with 3 days before my 21st birthday in May of 2018. So I moved states after that to live with my cousin in North Carolina for a time. It was supposed to be a small vacation, just a couple months. It was supposed to be me finding myself as to who I am as an adult, how to be independent from living at home with my parents, how to live life. That’s what it was supposed to be...

But then I met him...

I was walking to the bar, since there were only 3 in this small town of Southern Pines and that’s just what you do on a Wednesday night. I saw someone I knew and gave them a hug and they introduced me to this disheveled skater boy named Josh. I didn’t really think anything of it, I met so many people every single day, I was the new girl in town, I ended up meeting everyone anyways.

I think I was still playing around, enjoying being the new girl since that brought all the attention, which is always fun, but he kept persisting. And persisting, and persisting, until finally I said yes to hanging out with him. We spent 36 hours together awake doing things with each other. It started at the bar on a lazy Sunday night, not many people, I could actually hear him talking across the table from me for once. I enjoyed his company, he was different from the rest, not some small town hick, he was actually pretty gentlemanly, and a Florida boy too. So here we were, the two random ocean children in the middle of a luscious green never-ending forest.

We talked and talked, and walked all around downtown after the bar closed down at 2am. There’s something calming-ly romantic about walking the streets of a lullaby downtown. The streets are lit just for us, window shopping is a must, as merchandise in the windows is the only thing to really look at. The stars shone overhead, and the distant rush of the wind, and a couple just passing the time by enjoying each other's company...

Monday was when he was supposed to take me on a date, and as the hours passed by into 7:30 am on the day of our date, we respectively went our separate ways for maybe 30 mins and he picked me up to go on our date.

And what do the only two Ocean Children do for a date?? Why go to the beach of course, an excruciating three hours away. But music and soft touches are enough to keep one's hopes up until the awaited sound of the sea.

When we got there he first took me to an aquarium, and like I always do, I got a pressed penny to solidify the memory. The aquarium was small, nothing beats the Aquarium of the Pacific in Long Beach. “Everything is better in California”

Then we went to the pier, lots of fishing guys out there, we even met a pelican named Frank. We spotted a stingray and a shark so we opted to not touch the water, on my behalf, so we posted up under the pier and laid in my double hammock for God knows how long, resting and snoozing to the crashing waves in the warm August sun. As the night went on and the sunset was breaking, he took me to dinner, and then the drive back home.

It was so calm and relaxing, his soft touches on my skin, drawing random patterns on my arms and neck. I thought I was the only one who did that. He listened to my fusion music and really enjoyed it, at the time he was interested in my dancing and liked how I danced. And he told me how he wrote music and played guitar, he used to surf in the Florida waves, and did construction for the longest time, always stressing his body but never giving up on it. I think that moment in the hammock, when we kissed as the sun hit our faces, our bodies entwined into one in the lightning blue cocoon, that’s when I fell for him.

I should have known myself, it was only 3 months that I had been single. I should have known better...

“I fall in love too easily, I fall in love too fast, I fall in love so terribly hard for love to ever last…”

I think after that day at the beach we saw each other almost everyday. His sister, who owned Southern Angel Donut Co. offered me a job, which paid way better than my $2.13/hr waitress job. Once I started working there it was all over. We almost never left each other's side. And he kept “calling it” saying working together would ruin our relationship. But I paid it no mind, and enjoyed making light and fluffy donuts with him.

While the rest of the world was sleeping, we were hard at work making the warm, melt in your mouth donuts that Sarah’s recipe was known for. We’d get off work at 10 am, and go to sleep the rest of the day away. A horrible habit that was ingrained into our bones far too early on in our relationship.

I think it was a mere 2.5 weeks that we started dating and seeing each other that I then started working with him at the donut shop. And within that mere 2.5 weeks we made it Facebook official that we were together.

I almost immediately got a phone call from my family members asking about who this person is and that I should be careful since I’m basically on my own and I should ask my cousin for advice about it. I didn’t listen. I was too in love to see that I was moving too quickly, and getting settled too fast.

As I stated before, we almost never left each other’s side. Wake up at 1:30/2 in the morning, go make donuts for 6-8hrs, then come back to his-I mean Sarah’s house, hang out with the kids for a bit, and then go to sleep in his room until around 7pm, or just sleep straight through until we had to work the next day. If memory serves me correctly I went back to my cousin’s house only a handful of times, for new clothes and a breather from Sarah’s gaggle of children.

The weeks blurred by, and the change in lifestyle left my bar friends wondering where the hell I went. My old coworker even reached out to see what the hell I was up to. “Making donuts! It's great!” I would reply. Oh, if only I could go back and tell myself how wrong I was.

No actually that is a lie. Making donuts is great. I’m a baker at heart. I love baking, I used to do it with my mother and so baking things and seeing people's reactions to the delicious delicacies I create for them is something I hold very near and dear to my heart. So yes, the art of making donuts is great.

First you fill the giant mixing bowl 1.5 liters of warm water, crumble and toss in a block of high quality yeast and whisk together. Then weigh out a top secret amount of top secret donut mix, 2 with all the weight, 1 with one weight off. Followed by attaching the VERY heavy dough hook, turn on the mixer and mix together for 8 minutes.

After the dough is mixed you bring it over to a very well floured baking table, pour out the heavy dough and push it to the back of the table, making sure the edges are fluffed underneath itself so when it rises in about 20mins it will have lovely rounded edges. Then you wait.

After about 20mins, you gently tap the dough, and if it feels right (which is a skill in and of its own) you either let it proof a little longer, or you start cutting donuts.

Now cutting donuts is also an art form, as we made handmade donuts. Each one is a little different from the one before. We cut the donuts with a roller, but each donut was touched by our hands as they were placed onto the frying screens. And then put into the proofer for another 15 mins.

Once they are proofed, and again, with sight and touching the dough you can tell if they are ready or not. Sometimes they would proof slower or quicker depending on the heat, the humidity, or the weather.

Then bring over to the 365 degree fryer, and drop the donuts in, fry each side for approximately 25-30 seconds, flipping with wooden chopsticks, lift the screen and donuts out of the fry, let drip as you cook the next screen, bring over to the glaze, lift the other screen from the fryer, glaze donuts, let drip, drop another screen, bring glazed donuts to glaze rack, flip donuts, bring screen to glazer, lift donuts, rinse and repeat for 6 -8 hrs.

My favorite part was decorating the donuts, especially when there is a holiday because my fully artistic self got all the pleasure of making themed donuts. But even the regular topped donuts were fun to make. Topping too had an artful skill in creating the perfect topped donut. Which all of the other employees didn’t have one flying fuck to learn to perfect.

There is a certain sheen, a certain drip, a certain way the frosting coats a donut, when melted to the perfect temperature. And no one else besides myself and his Sister cared to figure out what that perfect frosting consisted of. There is also a certain way the donut should look when certain toppings are put onto the donuts.

Sprinkles should, as the name is, be sprinkled, lightly, with carnival sprinkles. All others should be pressed. A maple bacon donut should have the bacon patted off so that the grease doesn't ruin the consistency of the maple frosting, a fruity pebble donut should never have crumbs or crushed pebbles on top, an oreo donut should never have fine oreo powder on top it should be big chunks, and a half and half donut should be vanilla icing first and then chocolate not vice versa. Not to mention cinnamon sugared donuts need to be cinnamon sugared whilst hot and Long Johns are always,always, ALWAYS double filled. If a filled shell has a bubble it should be tossed and if a round has a chopstick hole it too should be tossed because the donut will be too greasy. If the donut doesn’t have a halo it was under proofed and if the donut deflates or cooks too fast it was overproofed. If the donut is light yellow or dark brown it was either undercooked or over fried. A perfect donut is a lovely golden yellow brown, with a heavenly halo all around it, and a perfect thin shiny coating of glaze.

So when I say I enjoyed making donuts, I really did. Truly it was a skill I perfected over the course of a year and a half. I could put down “expert donut maker” on a resume, and I will in fact get laughed at when I say I only made donuts for 1.5 years. But if I showed someone, if I showed how I make donuts, how twists are twisted with minimal flour and second run only, how apple fritters are chopped and rolled, how cinnamon rolls are flattened and fluffed. They would say I really am an expert donut maker.

Three months into my relationship with Josh, it became crunch time for him and his family, as their lease was up at their house and they were going to move. Josh wanted a place of his own and, honestly I don’t know why Sarah moved out of that house in Pinehurst. It was actually a decent size. I think the reasoning was to be closer to the new up and coming second location in Robbins. (I will touch on that later) But honestly where she moved to in Carthage was quite a downgrade. I don’t know what else to call it besides a permanent mobile home? There's a name for it I just can’t remember right now. It had a long length but the width wasn’t very big. A single wide home? There was barely any space for her 6, ahem, 5 children plus one on the way.

Oh I haven’t explained that yet.

Let me backtrack some more.

Josh’s sister, Sarah (32), has been pregnant for most of her life. Her first child, and only daughter, she had when she was fifteen, FIFTEEN. And then right after came baby #2, her first son. Those two were fortunate enough to have the same father, Brandon, who comes into this story later. Her next son was born from a Haitian man. Her next son she won't admit has a different father so she insists the Haitian man is both baby #3 and #4’s father. Even though baby #3 is obviously Haitian, and baby #4 is obviously Mexican. Then comes baby #5, a 3 year old who can’t talk in full sentences, isn't potty trained, can’t dress himself, doesn’t usually put his shoes on the right feet, and has extreme anger and attitude issues, whose father is also in jail. AND THEN Sarah’s boyfriend, Alex (21, yes they are 11 years apart her being the older one) who SARAH AND JOSH KNEW WHEN HE WAS A BABY, is the father of her now baby #6.

So when I say I learned to bite my tongue very early on...I mastered the fucking skill, of biting my tongue and not speaking my mind.

In the moment, it was, oh to each their own. But that too became resentment.

Along with Sarah’s children, there was also their mother, who I liked, she was nice and always thinking of her children, but she too began to wear on me and for reasons I will soon explain.

When Josh and Sarah were 10 and 11 years old, their dad (who was born in the 1920’s) passed away. 6 months later their house burnt down. And soon after that their mother basically ditched them for drugs and also went to jail. So at the young age of 15, Sarah, who I presume was also pregnant at that time too, took custody of Josh. Which I’m sure some psychologist can look at that and explain to me that how I was treated was rooted from not having very good role models as a child and basically immediately into later childhood was put into survival mode and had to grow up in order to survive at the age of 10.

Going back to moving houses. Sarah basically downgraded her living to be directly in the middle of the two locations for her donut shop. Josh wanted a place of his own, but because we spent every waking moment together and I basically never left, he brought up the idea that we should move in together. My family DID NOT like that idea at all, which to my stupidity I withheld the information of our moving in together and kept it a secret until the day before we moved in. Because I knew it was stupid, deep down I knew it was a bad idea. I had free rent, free groceries, a beautiful yard, and a car at my cousins. And I was leaving all of that behind why? For a guy. Yes that sounds like a wonderful idea.

But there was a part of me that wanted so badly to say that this was my house. To say, welcome to our home, look at my kitchen. Come into my living room. I wanted that title that I was living on my own. Sure we lived together but the space was mine, ours really, but it was mine.

We found a lovely town-home, 2 bedroom, 2.5 bath, in a small town waaayyyyy out in the boonies for only $800 a month, we didn’t have any furniture so it was definitely bigger than we really needed. We didn’t even have a bed for the first two weeks we lived there. We slept on the floor with layers of blankets as a cushion. My hips were purple from bruises since I slept on my side. It was actually a pretty decently sized space, again, we didn’t have anything to fill it with. It had a large living room, and a nice sized master bedroom. And an enormous backyard, which was shared but who cares, my patio was overlooking a lake. It was a half abandoned golf course, that started losing money when the government had to break the dam to the lake years before when a hurricane blew threw and the water was too much that flooding would occur if they didn’t break the dam. Except they never fixed the dam afterwards, so the lake, which supplied the irrigation for the golf course, mostly dried up. So the original owners took as much money as they could and ran off. Leaving a half developed golf home community to fend for itself. Honestly it was quite beautiful in it's half abandonment. The underdeveloped housing areas made for peaceful trail walks with Forrest, our pit bull. And the lake with bridges that were falling apart made for risky and thrilling adventures to go explore. Or at least they were when we first moved in.

Tell me why is it that when one gets comfortable with their significant other, the romance and the wooing stops? Tell me why is that when the mundane things that used to be made interesting, go back to being mundane, or even a chore?

I wanted to serve him. Show him I was such a great girlfriend compared to his crazy psycho ex. That I could take care of myself and him.

I shouldn’t have so soon. He got used to it far too quickly.

I loved my little kitchen. I loved to cook, discover new recipes and try them when I got home from work. I loved shopping at the ole Piggly Wiggly and bringing home extremely discounted items and using them right away before they expired. He’d never know they were one day away from expiration if I cooked up a good meal that night. He’d be too busy looking for error coins to add to his growing collection to notice that the chicken I was using was in the fridge for two days, if he knew he wouldn’t eat it. I loved hearing him say, “Damn, you showed out on dinner babygirl. My Latina wifey makes me so happy when she cooks for me.” I craved that so badly. The instant gratification that I was doing a good job. That I was making him happy by doing something that I loved to do.

...until I started hating to do it…

My cooking meals for us, no matter how long my work day was. My taking care of doing the laundry on my days off and cleaning the house. My going grocery shopping and late night gas station runs to get him more cigarettes. It was always me, me, me, every damn time. And I never saw it. Until it was too late, and even then, I still told myself I was doing it to show him I loved him. What a stupid lie that was…

“Babe it's 11pm we should be going to bed.”

“Then go to bed, I’ll be here looking at coins.”

“No Josh, it’s time for bed. C’mon I want to cuddle you, it’s so cold in the bed alone.”

“Alright, alright, just let me smoke this cigarette and I’ll be up there, fuck.”

And still I slept alone. And nothing was ever changed. And that was still North Carolina.

We lived in our town-home in Vass for 7.5 months. We had a folding table and 2 chairs from the donut shop as our dining room table, a twin bed borrowed from their mom as our couch. We had a chest of drawers given to us by a former employee that Josh didn’t even use for clothes, and a queen mattress sent to us from my mother out of pity that we didn’t have a bed yet. For 7.5 months we lived in that home and we never got more things, even though I wanted the cutest matching dish set, the cutest hand towels. The most perfect beach bungalow themed town-home in the middle of evergreen pine needles, and pollen covered lakes, where the occasional cow moo can be heard, from the cow farm just over yonder. I wanted our home to be a reminder of where we came from, the two Ocean Children in the sea of trees. But it was just a reminder of where he came from. Poverty, and not having a home feel like a home.

Once the second donut shop location opened in Robbins, a small middle of nowhere bodunk town with barely any residents, our work schedules changed completely. It actually benefited our relationship slightly. He would go to work at 6pm and be home by 2 or 3am. I became the manager and basically sole employee of Robbins, and would go to work from 5am-3pm. I had only a couple hours to be with him during the days we both worked, and we had one or two days a week where we both had off and enjoyed each others company doing absolutely nothing all day. We even stopped at a gas station a few times, him on his way home and me on my way to work, just for a lovers rendezvous so I could at least be in his arms and kiss him for a min before not seeing him again for another 24 hrs. It almost fixed our already rocky relationship. If anything it just kept it going longer than it should have. Robbins was the beginning of my overworked-ness with Sarah. I was the manager, and main employee. I only got a $2 raise, and was still going in and making donuts 2 nights a week. And occasionally, whilst I was at the shop at 8pm I would get a call saying my employee wasn’t able to go to work the next day. So here I am busting my ass to make donuts for two locations, I wouldn't be getting home until 4am after making donuts for 7 hours, and then would have to rush to go to work by 530 am and work another 10 hours.

That’s when I should have started saying no. That’s when I should have started putting my health and well being on the forefront of my priorities. If anything I put it all on the backburner. That’s when Sarah realized she had full control over me, and could work me like a dog, like her personal slave. And I wouldn’t even argue it. Nor would she act like she was doing it.

This went on for months. Robbins opened early December, and when March rolled around a new development came into play. The owner of Dixie Cream Donuts in Florida called. The owner, was Sarah’s previous partner, Brandon, remember that name from earlier? Yeah Brandon is Sarah’s two older kids' father. He owned the donut shop that Sarah worked for originally for 18years straight. That's how Southern Angel got its recipes, they were from Dixie Cream, because Sarah used to manage Dixie Cream in Florida, where Sarah and Josh are from. Apparently Brandon was planning on moving out of the country, and there was no one else he trusted more to run Dixie Cream Donuts, than the Donut Queen herself. So he struck the deal of a lifetime for her, and sold her the business for Xmillion dollars. Hey guess what guys, we’re moving to Florida!

I was ecstatic, elated, to move to paradise. Crystal clear waters, aqua blue surf. Its summer all year round, sure there’s rain and hurricane season what could possibly have me worried about those? I’m from sunny Southern California where it never rains and all we have to worry about is an occasional wind gust and the earth shaking violently and unexpectedly…

Sure I was scared but I was so excited to move into a new place with the man who I was so in love with. By this time we had expanded our little trio and now had three dogs, making us a family of five. We had Forrest our pitty, and Lola and Luna, twin mut pups from Sarah’s two dogs Princess and Chubby. Luna was my baby, my little puff nut fluff ball. There’s not a day goes by where I don’t think about my fluffy white little cotton ball baby.

But our little family of five was so excited to be moving all the way down to Florida. The move would consist of driving all of us down the coastline in a caravan. One big U HAUL and the rest of us driving all of our vehicles. One overnight stop in Alma Georgia to visit their family and their mother, who left in January due to medical issues and “being cruelly treated and forgotten by Sarah” *shrug, this whole family drama I just started plugging my ears to at this point* In total it took us 2 days to drive from Carthage, North Carolina to Port St. Lucie, Florida. Sarah was able to get a brand new 4 bedroom home, thanks to Brandon helping with money. Josh and I on the other hand were given $2k to work with to get settled. Only problem was, there wasn’t anything on the market that was readily available and up to our standards. (Or who would allow 3 dogs, one being a pit bull mix)

We started our move to Florida on a slightly rocky but wonderful beginning. We had basically two weeks off from work, and let me tell you I was reveling in the fact that I didn’t have to work, I was already overworked and I hadn’t even started to be overworked yet at Dixie Cream. We were stuck in one of the rooms at Sarah's temporarily until we could find a place. It reminded us a lot of when we first started dating. When Josh and I would get sick of being on the back porch or dealing with the kids, or since we didn’t go out much since money was tight, we retreated to our room for naps, cuddles, and quiet but passionate love making. I think we had more sex in those two weeks than the 7 months we lived together. The first week in Vass we did a lot, we had nothing else to do, no wifi, no TV. You wonder why people in the olden days had so many freaking children, there was nothing else better to do to pass the time away, might as well pass it with the most fun activity God created. At least nowadays we have protection or else I’d have been screwed…no pun intended....maybe.

But besides us retreating for a lovers rendezvous, we were incessantly out searching for a new place to live. Even on my birthday. And everyone knows how seriously I take my birthday. I thought my last birthday, getting broken up with was bad enough, no this one he didn’t even get me a birthday present, wanted to go metal detecting at the beach instead of go swimming-and let me tell you it was the most aqua blue crystal clear water you could ever imagine-and then pushed dinner so far back that we went to a restaurant an hour before they closed. I honestly don’t even remember if we went back to our room for birthday sex, I honest to God think I was so upset, of course I didn’t show it, but I think I was so upset I just went straight to bed. I wanted to go out dancing, like real dancing, or go down to Miami and experience the Memorial Day clubbing going on. But nope. And having not gotten me a present...that stuck...that got filed away into the ever growing list of things I could bring up in an argument, the ever growing list of grievances…

We were two weeks into Florida and already I was getting annoyed, resentful, done with all this shit. And shit hadn't even started...

June 1st was when Sarah got full ownership of Dixie Cream Donuts. June 1st is when my life rapidly spiraled downward. June 1st is when I became the most overworked and underpaid dog to ever come into existence in the world of making some goddamn motherfucking donuts. The lure of, you’ll just be baking, there are already employees there, but you will be on salary, and you will also get tips. What absolute maddening bullshit if I ever did hear something. But you know what, I believed it. I believe every single word of poison that came out of both Josh and his sisters mouth. That this donut shop was going to change our lives, we could retire in 10-15years from all the money we will be making from this shop. Josh you get to receive 35% of the company at the end of each month, Alysha you get to be on salary and make tips, it's going to be a huge pay increase compared to North Carolina.

Lies. All of it lies.

One week of being at the shop in Fort Pierce, and we fired everyone except one person who we kept on as our only weekend person. You know who got the other people jobs? Me.

It started off slow, I wasn’t touching dough yet. But I knew. I even told the one employee that we kept, “As soon as I touch dough and learn to cut donuts, he is going to leave me here alone.” And I was right.

Backtracking again, I come from living in Irvine, California. America’s safest city ranked 5 years in a row. We moved down to Florida, which already is a crazy place, but then we work and find a place to live in Fort Pierce, Florida. The ghetto of the ghetto. Take Compton x30, have it meth fuck skid row and the baby it gets out of that add a little bit of Vegas whackados x20. That’s Fort Pierce.

I knew, the instant I learned how to cut donuts, his sheer laziness shrouded in “I trust you baby” would take over and he would leave me at the shop alone.

Take what I explained about the process of making donuts earlier, and now add on top of that selling donuts at the cash register to people, while cleaning up the kitchen, washing all of the trays, sweeping, mopping, and throwing away leftover donuts, AND counting down the register and doing daily paperwork for closeout. We would get to work anywhere between midnight at 2:30 in the morning. He would leave me alone at the shop to finish up the day until 2:30pm. Still to this day I haven’t a single idea as to what he did all day. Maybe he was telling the truth when he said he went home and slept all day. Or maybe it was a lie, because there would be days he would say he went home after work but as soon as I walked in, there was still dog shit on the floor, trash everywhere, and not a single thing picked up. Exactly how I left it that morning. He would say he was driving around town, doing what? I will never know. At that point, I was just happy he answered my phone calls and would come to pick me up at 2:30pm. There were sometimes he would sleep through my phone calls and I wouldn’t get picked up from the shop until 3:30pm. He was such a heavy sleeper. And an angry, angry, aggressive bear if you tried to wake him or ask him a question in his sleep. He was never physically abusive to me. But when I tried to wake him up in his sleep, he punched and kicked me a few times. I cried the most when he would yell at me in his sleep. He was so angry, and all I wanted to do was to get him off the damn couch and into bed with me so I could be wrapped in his arms. Or picked up from work so I could spend time with him. I would be at work all day, thinking of what groceries I needed for the nights meal, or stopping at the laundromat for a few hours to get some fresh work clothes. And it never worked out the way I wanted. We would always end up doing what he wanted to do. Which consisted of either going over to his sisters for way too many hours for paperwork and weed, or his mothers for weed too, and just chilling, when all I wanted was to go home and spend time with my dogs and my lover and not deal with another soul...It was always what he wanted. Even when we would go out on the very RARE occasion we were able to go out late. It was to the same dive bars with old retired people and pool tables; filled with cigarette smoke and lingering eyes on the curly haired girl who absolutely looked like she did not belong in a place of such filth and grimy repetitive routines of karaoke pool halls.

Then the hurricane didn’t happen. Hurricane Dorian, a hurricane so large that even categorizing it as a Cat5 is too small for how large this thing was. A Cat5 maxes out at 150mph, Dorian reached over 200mph. There was no label for this hurricane, and it was headed straight for our humble bungalow that overlooked the marina. Our house was built in the 1940s, a quaint little blue house on the edge of the ghetto, tucked away in a forgotten part of town, since the road was blocked thanks to a dead man who died on the train tracks. Our front door opened up to the marina boat yard, and just over the boats, if you stood on your tippy toes you could see the river and Hutchinson Island. We had an enormous backyard, perfect for our 3 pups. Our backyard was full of lush plant life, and a 100+ year old Banyan tree that gave wondrous shade to all the growing plants and our back porch. We had a mango tree, surinam tree, pineapples, and some wild cabbage. It was, in every sense of the words, a beach bungalow. It was tiny but adorable. And it would have worked out if things hadn’t started falling apart at the seams so early on into moving in. We had so many things, yet barely any furniture. I wanted to get an organized storage space out of the front room, I drew up some mock blueprints as to how to do this. He was the handyman after all. Nothing came about it. We lived out of unlabeled boxes for months. I bought a bedframe and it took 3 months for him to take it out of the box and put it together. Our dining room table was just a table for paint. (I did enjoy our painting nights, I got to teach him that his paintings didn’t have to be perfect, and that slowing down wasn’t a bad thing) My oil paints probably ruined the lovely wooden table we got from our employee. The dogs completely ruined the couch but he still slept on it. I had plans to rearrange the bedroom in order for our clothes to fit better since there was no storage space at all in this house, again nothing came about it, we lived by one single hanging rack and a 9 cube organizer.

And then came Dorian. I had two full trash bins, and we were under evacuation, we only had time to bring everything inside, and put the two trash bins outside. We had only enough time to pack the essentials, left everything else behind. Our quaint 1940s home was even unsafe in tropical storms, let alone an uncategorizable hurricane. I dropped nearly a grand to get all of our supplies in order to survive the aftermath of a giant hurricane coming. I even bought the very last inflatable mattress, which was a queen with lift-able headrests. And an entire carton of cigarettes so he wouldn't go too long without a smoke.

Then the hurricane didn’t happen. We went straight back to work, didn’t even go home, just straight to work from Sarah’s house to make donuts for the rest of Fort Pierce in their fear that we might still get hit. But it never came. It sat over the Bahamas for 24hrs bringing the ever beautiful beaches to ruin. And then moved straight up to hit the coast of South Carolina, and then New York.

I dropped nearly a grand on our survival, I dropped money I really didn’t have just in the off chance we would survive that behemoth in the sky. I never got a single penny in return.

Even when we went grocery shopping to restock the fridge I emptied in case it would be weeks until we could return, I got no money back from him.

The man I loved, the man who was actually my boss. The man who made $720 a week and 35% of the company at the end of the month and I never saw a cent of his money. And I didn’t get anything in return. But he asked me to go get him a pack of cigarettes for him because he didn’t want to put pants on and was too tired to move, and so I would go and get them for him. And still wouldn’t get anything in return.

I worked out the math. I worked 7 days a week, on a “salary” of $520 a week “plus tips”. That totals out to $5.77/hr. I was working 7 days a week at $5.77/hr, I paid all of my student loans, my Adobe and Spotify subscriptions, my gym membership (that I went to 4 times in 3 months because he would never take me nor let me drive his truck) I paid our electricity and rent on time, and he would occasionally pay me back in cash immediately. And then I would still shell out $40 for laundry because he would wait until 3 weeks worth of laundry had built up and he had worn the same underwear 3 times already. I still shelled out $150 on groceries that I cooked and cleaned up after for him and I. And everyday I would clean up the garbage that would get torn into because I didn’t have a trash bin because the two bins I had were still in the backyard from when Dorian was going to hit us, still full of trash.

I was on the verge of ending it.

I had a plane ticket.

September 15th.

I had a plane ticket.

I was overworked. Underpaid. Unloved. Unappreciated. Verbally abused. In full isolation. No friends. No family. I wanted out.

I.Had.A.Way.Out. And I STILL held on to this glimmer of hope that it would all work out. I thought the plane ticket would scare him. And it did. For a moment.

“Why? Why get into a relationship if you aren’t going to give effort? We were supposed to be equals and yet I feel like I am the only one giving effort. Why self prophecy that this isn't going to work out, and then not fight your own prophecy to make it work? Why not give such a simple effort to make me happy? I ask for such simple things Josh! I shouldn’t have to beg you to come to bed with me, I shouldn’t have to beg for sex with my own boyfriend, I don’t even care about the sex anymore. I just want to be held by you, to cuddle, to be given affection. I work longer hours and days than you at YOUR company and you cant even wash a dish or two? I can't live like this I'm going home.”

“Don’t go, please don’t go. Stay. We can work this out, I love you, you are the best thing to ever happen to me. I will fight for this relationship if it’s the last thing I do. Please don’t go.”

“....Okay I’ll stay...if you say you will fight and change, even though we have had this argument countless times….if you truly want this...show me….”

If anything it just got worse from there.

I was unemployed for two weeks. Two very long weeks. Honestly Assassin's Creed is what saved my life the last two months I was in Florida.

I was unemployed for two weeks, and every single morning when I would wake up around 9am, like a normal human being not having to work at 2 in the morning, I would pick up the trash littering my house thanks to the dogs ripping into the trash bag that hung from the door handle in the kitchen. I would sit on my phone scrolling through indeed, typing out my new resume with no way to print it. I had to wait for him to come home, and I so wanted to go out and do things, like visit the aquarium, or go to the beach and fall asleep to the waves crashing under the summer sun. But because I was Sarah and Josh’s workhorse, and once I told Sarah I was leaving then the next I wasn’t she didn’t allow me to work back at the shop. And because I did the work of 5 people, even though when I worked there I begged them to hire just one person, just one, to do the cleaning so I wouldn’t have to, they no longer had me there anymore. So Josh stayed longer, worked longer hours, and would come home tired. And sleep 90% of his day off away. So when he came home, I was so excited and wanted to talk about cool things I saw online, or wanted to go grocery shopping, or visit a mall. I got greeted with a heavy sigh, a plop on the couch, Joe Rogan or conspiracy theory videos, and snoring within 30 mins of him coming home. By the last two months of me being in Florida I didn’t talk very much with him. There was nothing to talk about. We stopped talking long before those moments though. I just hadn’t realized until I was home alone all day. What else is there to talk about when you work, live, sleep and breathe with the person you are in love with every single day. You run out of things that spark interest. You lose the feeling of, hey let's try something new, especially when your newfound intrigue is greeted with disgust, a steadfast no, or a blatant slap to the face that we obviously aren't going out tonight because he hasn't moved from his spot on the couch for 3 hours now.

My music is a very deep and obvious sign into my inner thoughts and feelings, whether I am aware of it or not. For the last four months of me being in Florida there were two songs I liked to listen to, specifically when Josh wasn’t home, because I knew he would give me shit if he heard them.

“All I Do is Sit Inside My House All Day” and “Suicidal Thoughts” from Josh A and IamJakeHill. And if that isn’t a blatant window into my soul in those months I don’t know what else is. There was another song, in which I quoted earlier in this piece, “I fall in love too easily, I fall in love too fast, I fall in love so terribly hard for love to ever last…”

Again, I will say, Assassin's Creed saved my life. If I hadn’t started playing AC2 on Josh’s PlayStation 2 and gotten absolutely swept away with Ezio’s story line and the beauty of ancient Italy and being able to sneak around assassinating bad guys, I would have killed myself. And I don't say that lightly. Every day, since September 15th, a little life from my soul faded away. All we would do is fight, and argue, or awkwardly sit on the couch together doing our own thing. I would beg for him to come to bed, ⅖ times I would be successful, and even then it was him on the base of the bed watching his videos, and he would fall asleep the wrong way on the bed. He would hint at wanting to make love to me but by the time he got home he was too tired or too dirty and would end up falling asleep anyways. I gave up thinking I would sleep with him every again. We did here and there but there was always a disconnect. I felt used by that point.

Due to such limiting factors of not having a car, and an unreliable boyfriend who wouldn’t let me drive his truck anyways, my job search was limited to what was within safe walking distance. I still carried two knives on me no matter what. It's the ghetto.

My options were 4 places: A gas station, another gas station, CVS, or a drive thru liquor store. I applied at the liquor store, as it was the closest and I didn’t have to cross a major highway to get to it. I got the job the day of my interview. 3 days a week at $8/hr. And that was, by far, the most whoreorizing and degrading job I have ever had in my entire life. And I was only there for a month.

Disgusting guys rolling up, with an AK47 in the middle console, their bro rolling a blunt in the passenger seat, the driver licking his lips at me saying,

“Hey mama, what’s your sexy ass doin’ in this window and not doin me? You busy later?”

To which I had to maintain my composure every single time and lie saying, “Sorry, I’m married, thank you though.”

“Aw c’mon that don’t mean shit. Don’t you want some side n*gga?”

“Here’s your booze. Thank you, have a nice night”

“Whateva gurl I’ll try again next week.”

Abso-fucking-lutely degrading. Luckily I only worked three days...but I also only worked three days. So I was home a lot more than my boyfriend. My job hours were normal, 10am-6pm. I could cross the street to go home with enough light for it to be safe. Come home, and hope on the playstation. Most nights I would either come home to an empty house, he hadn’t been home all day, I could tell. There would be certain signs that would tell me if he had been home at all or not. If the scent of cigarettes was stronger, there were new soda cans with ash on them on the cocktail table, if the remotes had been moved, if there was a new plate that was dirtied by some snack, or if there was a new pile of clothes by the couch… If none of those things were there, I knew he hadn’t been home all day. Our poor dogs stuck inside for at least the 8hrs that I was at work. And no, I would never know what he was up to all day. I know he had a previous gambling problem, but I nipped that early on when we were in NC. But it is legal in FL, and I still wonder if that’s where his money went….or just to weed...or if he really did just drive around all fucking day.

Having my shifts start at 10, I would usually be up until midnight or until he had to go to work in the morning, he would be fast asleep and so I could make private phone calls to my mother about what was going on. They saw it coming faster than I did. My therapist caught on to his behaviour long before I ever did, that he was toxic, verbally abusive, that he was controlling and his sister manipulative. It took a long time for my mom and I to get to the closeness we are now. To have the relationship we have now. It's been rough. But she helped me through this so much. And whenever he would say that she brainwashed me as a child, forced me onto ADD pills when that “shit fucks up your body” and that I was “still under her mind control and she still has power over you” always hurt. To say things like “oh I’m never going to California, I’m never going to visit your family if they are anything like your mother.” It killed me. When all we ever did was spend time doing the things he liked, and spending time with his crazy family. And not want to reciprocate. I played AC2 all the way up until the second week of November, when the PS2 crashed. I was left home alone for 80% of the week. Alone with my thoughts, and my music, and the strong suggestions of my parents that I need to think about my future, and if this is truly what I want for the rest of my life.

To sit at home, wondering why the man I love, the man I gave everything to, all of me, why he doesn’t want to give such simple efforts in return. Why I have to beg for attention and intimacy and never get it in return. Why the man I fell in love with brought me so far from family, and isolated me from everything. Why the man I love wouldn’t want to treat me with such care and love and selfless adoration the way I do for him. Why every morning I wake up wondering if I can even get through the day, or if the blade I keep strapped to my body in case some rando from the ghetto streets outside were to come into my house and hurt me, if the blade I keep on my person will be sharp enough to end my pain. If leaving and starting all over for the third time in a year will be worth it in the long haul.

November 9th,

I made a call, while the man I loved lay sleeping in bed, after begging him to come watch his show in the bedroom, and him finally falling asleep wrapping me in his arms. I snuck my way outside and called my parents. They were so happy on the phone, spending time with family and friends, like I would have been too if I was with them. But instead was calling, to ask if they could send me home. If there was any way I could come home sooner than 2 weeks from now for thanksgiving. If there was anyway I could come home and try again because I can’t be here anymore, and it’s killing me, and I can’t last 2 weeks.

They gave me a day to think about it. I had to say it for myself, it wasn’t their decision, it was mine. The last time I called like this I cancelled last minute because his words clouded my judgement and I listened to his pleas. I took the day to rule out the pros and cons. I took a day to really think about if this man was really everything I made him out to be. It’s a terrible thing when you realize the man you once loved is now a stranger. It's an even more terrible thing when you know that the man you love, who you know loves you just not in any way shape or form as much as you love him, is going to realize that now you are the stranger, and that you are going to make a very painful and difficult and traumatic event happen in his already traumatized and horrible past. That you are going to add to his already endless pain. That you are the one...that is going to break his heart.

November 10th,

I called in the morning, early CA time, he was already at work making donuts. It had been off between us the past few days. He knew something was up, but I was instructed not to say a word. I barely lasted two days not telling him anything. And the disconnect had already begun.

My dad answered the phone in such a loving and soft way, it was exactly what I needed...

“Hi sweetheart, how are you doing? Have you made up your mind at all or do you still need more time? We are ready for you whenever you are.”

“I…I need to come back home.”

“Is this your decision?”

“Yes ....I can’t stay here any longer…*the tears welled up in my eyes and my voice began to croak* because I know that if I do it will kill me and I can’t live like this. Please bring me home.”

“Okay, okay. I will send mom a text and she will send you flight information as soon as she gets it, okay? Are you already packed up?”

“*sniffles* yeah, I have 2 carry on sized bags, a duffel bag, and a backpack....I wish I could bring more, there's so much stuff I don't want to leave…”

“I know sweetie, I know, but what is most important is that we get YOU safely home. Things can be replaced, you are irreplaceable”

I got a call later that afternoon from Josh, asking if he should even come home because I might be leaving or not. I didn’t give him a direct answer, just if he can come home if he wanted to. He didn’t until late afternoon. And when he did, I got a message from my mother.

“Your shuttle comes to get you at 8:45am, your flight is out of West Palm Beach at 11:30am. We love you, keep us updated. We can’t wait to see you tomorrow boo.” “So that’s it then…” I muttered. “So that’s it what?”

I took a deep breath, and read him the text my mom had sent me. I couldn’t bear to keep it hidden from him any longer. Somehow I thought he deserved to know. That he needed to know.

“So you lied to me this whole time, you knew you were leaving and you didn’t tell me. You just made up that stupid lie that you were thinking things over and had a decision to make? Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

Of course he was angry. And disconnecting. He had already told me days ago that he was going to start hardening his heart towards me to ready himself for me leaving. He saw it coming too, and he knew it.

“I wasn’t lying, I was telling the truth. I had to think things over and I came to a decision this morning.” “And you're leaving tomorrow morning? No that’s a fucking lie, that shit you had planned, YOU'RE NOT LEAVING. YOU CAN'T LEAVE. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME. I LOVE YOU.”

Again the same argument, over and over again.

“Why? Why get into a relationship if you aren’t going to give effort? We were supposed to be equals and yet I feel like I am the only one giving effort. Why self prophecy that this isn't going to work out, and then not fight your own prophecy to make it work? Why not give such a simple effort to make me happy? I ask for such simple things Josh! I shouldn’t have to beg you to come to bed with me. I just want to be held by you, to cuddle, to be given affection. I do everything for you. EVERYTHING. I HAVE GIVEN YOU ALL OF ME. THERE IS NOTHING OF ME LEFT TO GIVE. MY WELL HAS RUN DRY JOSH. I AM AN EMPTY SHELL. You wanted the old Alysha back? Well guess what Josh, she isn’t here anymore. There is barely any of me left. What more do you want from me? My life?! I don’t even have one here! I’m sorry…”

I went to work in tears that night. Called my manager and told her I was leaving due to a domestic emergency, and also told her I might not work the entire night.

To which I then received a phone call from Josh, crying asking me to dip out on work so that we can spend one last night in each others arms before he never sees me again. And I idiotically said yes. And it is forever ingrained in my mind. The cries of the man I loved. The cries of the man I gave everything to. The pleas of the man who for one last night held me so tightly than he had ever held me before in the hopes it would keep in in Florida. The quiet crying pleas of the man I spent almost 2 years with, wailing in the night for me to not go, to not leave him. And my cries in return just never ending-ly saying I’m sorry. But I have to go. I didn’t even sleep that night. He just held me tighter and tighter and all I can think about is why he couldn't have done this every night? Why couldn't he put as much effort into trying to keep me here, now, why couldn't he do that every night and day? Why give me an excuse to call out of work only to try and keep me from leaving, why not make an excuse for me to call out of work to woo me into loving him again? Why wait for the last hours. The last minutes. The last seconds. And as I'm leaving and getting into the shuttle, he kisses me goodbye, puts on his sunglasses and says goodbye as if I was just leaving on a trip, because he doesn't want to look like such a fool in front of a total stranger…

I wish I could say it ended there at the shuttle...but it didn’t. Before the shuttle came, I was pleading to him that I was sorry, and that I didn’t want to do this but I had to. And somehow his pleas got me on my knees into begging that we could try long distance, see if that could work. Maybe he could come to California and start a new life with me. Somehow that where we left it off...and when I got to CA I was still under his control.

But as I finally got to be in my mother and father's embrace again, a little piece of my soul came back. A little flicker of a hint of a spark came from the ashes. And as I told my extremely summarized story to friends and family I felt that I had made the right choice. I felt like I was back where I needed to be. I had a future here, I had family and friends within an arm's reach, and not half a world away.

And the flicker became sparks, and the ashes began to glow bright, a flame beginning to burn out of the ashes.

I called him...still under his control but breaking free, finally. And ended it. It was too much of a fairy tale, that it would work like this. He was always the one telling me I need to stop living in a fantasy and live in reality. I guess I learned something from him. My dad walked in on our conversation...circulatory argument, really. About the same things over and over again.

“I love you Alysha, you are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. But you’re a bitch for leaving me like this. I'm surrounded by your belongings what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Just throw it away?! I love you! I want to fight for us to make it work but you fucking abandoned us!”

My father told me he was a dick, and the short phone conversation he overheard from us was a textbook example of abuse from a significant other. I blocked him on every social platform imaginable. And waited patiently and anxiously for the one thing that tied me to them still to come in the mail…..my W2s.

The long and anxious wait ended...finally….and as I opened the letter with all of my documents I was filled with an overwhelming sense of emotion that confused me all to hell. This was it...it was really here...the last piece that was tying me to them and it was finally in my grasp. There is nothing else to bind myself to him anymore. Nothing else from Florida that can bring me pain or suffering or fear. It's over. It’s been over relation-ally for three months now. But legally...it's done.

I’m still processing the pain of it. The sheer torment I went through. I still don't know how I survived everything I went through. My memory is horrible right now with my brain trying to process the trauma, deleting things from memory due to how painful it is, that now I just am terrible at remembering almost everything. It will haunt me for an eternity. Until one day it won’t. And I hope that day is sooner than later...because this truly was hell to have gone through.

I don't trust myself anymore. I don't trust other people. I am terribly, terribly afraid of love. The last 3 relationships I have been in I have jumped into, with barely any time to get to know the person before making it “official.” Never again. Next time will take a long time. Deep established friendship first, before I can even consider beginning to feel again. I don’t know if I will ever love the same way again too...To give absolutely everything I have to the table. To give all of me to the point where there was none of me left...I loved him with all of my heart, soul, and being. And it ruined and broke me, knowing I broke that man, that I crushed his soul and shattered his heart...along with mine....

He called me a liar once for saying I was his ride or die, but I was leaving him. But what he did not realize is that I did die for him. I died every day...for four months...knowing I was going to end my life if I stayed there any longer….killing myself for a man who would never love me...the way I loved him…

#the activememoir #memoirofabrokenheart #brokenheartedlovestories

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thisnerdsadventures · 4 years

Text

how operating systems went for me

the beginning

In the beginning, there was doubt. And fear. But mostly doubt, because I “sort of” knew C, and I could /kind of/ figure out page tables, and I took the prereq for the class, so it shouldn’t be that bad? Well, I was expecting it to be bad, but absolutely nothing worse than 046 right? because that was known to be the worst of CS at this school, so nothing could be worse than that....right?

Wrong. WRONG! First class I was like, ah you know, i know Linux. I’ve OPENED A FILE BEFORE. I know what a FILE DESCRIPTOR IS. (wrong. i truly did not know what a file descriptor was, in all of its essence.) If you read my Admissions post, you’d know that my life was in the process of being truly wrecked by my paper revisions, so I wasn’t able to start on the first lab until the weekend, and it took me around an hour to do the first exercise, which was really one solid line of code, and I was like well ok, there’s only like five exercises, shouldn’t be too bad.

WRONG AGAIN! the last exercise will forever be engraved in my brain as xargs because it took me and my friend K a solid TEN HOURS. to do the last exercise. JUST THE LAST ONE. It was the first time in maybe like a year I went to an office hours. I had never spent so long thinking about recursion in my life. I have really vivid memories of sitting at the rooftop garden with K at the poolside chairs near the Marriott staring back at the googz office, tear streaming down my face, as I thought ahead about whether I should drop the class early. (ok it wasn’t this dramatic, but I was definitely staring longingly at the coffee baristas through the window.)

And after we finished the lab, we thought, oh maybe this is just a poor learning curve. Maybe it gets better from here.

the crisis begins

*say it with me this time* WROOOOONG - we really thought the next lab would be better because it seemed like the last exercise of the last lab, but slightly expanded. but L o L! we had spent a solid five hours with no progress up until like 3am, when I lied in bed in the dark and panic emailed my advisor, asking to meet the next day. There is a calendar event in my calendar called Cry to John (john’s my advisor). I spent perhaps the entire next day up until my meeting at 4pm working on the lab, making a bit more progress after going to office hours. During my meeting, I relayed how hard the class had been so far, and whether I should drop it to the undergrad version of the class, and it got to the point where I was just like “but its just. SO HARD” and he replied “....it’s a grad class dude”

After I returned home, I consulted my head of house and he also suggested I either drop the class or drop it to the undergrad version. I really was like “lol my dude, I’m already only on 42 units, I can’t really just drop this class. it’s already like two and a half weeks into the semester.” So I ended up dropping it to undergrad status.

A few more late nights pulled because I *surprise* have OTHER CLASSES other than this one, and I still ended up staying up til nearly 3am the night before career fair finishing up the lab. A total of more than 20 hours spent on this lab, and I thought, maybe just maybe this would be the hardest lab.

And the next lab wasn’t too bad. I had spent a solid 12 hours on it, but got it done pretty efficiently. Unfortunately, it was still the time in the semester where I was doing like 1923819238 things and catching up with 1928319238 people, so it felt overwhelming, but wasn’t /that/ bad. so i thought things were turning up! I also met up with my old googz team at around this point and told them that it was a hell class, and they relayed their sympathies.

lazy_alloc

So was it in fact, getting better? WRONGGGGGG. the next lab was perhaps the WORST LAB OF THE ENTIRE CLASS. By this point, we had hit the first week of october, and I had deleted instagram off my phone in an attempt to better focus on classes. due to other things happening, like various house gov events, an 18.06 exam, and another pset, I was only able to put in around 6 hours of office hours time on this lab before Wednesday night, where K and I quickly realized that this shit was no joke, unlike the last lab. We had also met our other friend at office hours who would become the third member of our group chat kalloc==0 (iykyk), and we befriended her after including her in our sarcastic comments about lazy allocation. It was maybe four hours into an all-nighter that we went to Verdes, realized Verdes was closed, and proceeded to sit on the floor of the student center and yell about how hard this class was.

It was then like 5am, and I decided to sleep and wake up in the morning to look at it again. It was then 8:30 am, and then it was 12pm, and then it was 4pm, and I had mandatory class. My friend passed me in Stata and asked how i was, and i replied “look at me. LOOK AT ME”

It was then 6pm. I had spent 20 hours of the past 24 hours doing this lab. and the most extraordinary thing happened -- I got the OK. I cried. I weeped. I texted my friends and let them know I was alive. And I slept for a long time.

exam szn

Ok truly, things could not get that much worse after this right? WRONGGGGGG. the first exam was just around the corner! After maybe a week of rest, I started the grind, a painful realization that I knew nothing, I did not truly know what a page table was, I had no idea how a system call worked, and the throwing shit at the wall style of doing the labs was indeed going to catch up with me. It was the long weekend, but I was still studying 4-6 hours a day on top of everything else I was doing, and many nights in the student center were spent in sadness. I barely remember anything from this caffeine/adrenaline fueled week. And I got a whopping 40% on the exam! yay me

All I remember after the exam was crying from shock in Stata after the exam because it was so hard, eating too much at hot pot and nearly throwing up in the Uber, and almost punching a hole in the ceiling because I was so happy that my score was not single digits. I was actually so tired after a week of studying nonstop that I had to S^3 one of my other psets because I legitimately could not think nor read. My friend was then like why dont you just yeet to new york for a break, and i was like who in the right mind would do that??? and then i yeeted to new york (as you can read about in another post of mine). Truly an amazing decision because I really needed a break from that craziness. After that, the learning curve did chill a little. My life though? no, I went to Princeton for a hackathon, stayed up all night doing stuff for our party, and then managed to finish the very last lab of the class right before Thanksgiving break.

the finish line

This brings us to the last week of the semester, where I thank my lucky stars I dropped to the undergrad version of the class, because I watched K suffer through a whole week of all nighters for the final project, in which I definitely would have straight up had a mental breakdown, because that week was still somehow one of the worst weeks of the semester for me (two poster sessions, exam, two week pset). But luckily I was straight up j chilling until the final because i had finished the last lab before break.

obviously, this takes us to last week, which was our finals week, where I spent 40-50 hours over the course of a week just studying for this exam, which features a day where I had done a midterm from 9am-12pm and then proceeded to study from 2pm to 2am for this operating systems class, and I had had three cups of coffee, which I don’t strongly recommend as a life decision. But after much strife and anxiety, I had mustered out a 60/76 on the final exam, which I thought was a solid B, but much to my shock and my other friend’s delight (she checked my class grade for me), I actually somehow got an A after this shit of a class, despite not knowing how to use a pointer 3 months ago, despite trying to survive against grad students, despite having to pour 18239128983x energy into understanding lectures??? somehow. anyways, now i am absolutely sure I have gone through the worst thing you could ever go through in this school. if anything turns out to be harder than this, i’m pretty sure it’s not worth it lol

#m #it is truly amazing people follow this blog

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lavidaatravezdeunavion · 5 years

Text

Week One

June 15/16

The long and grueling travel is finally over; I’m in Buenos Aires!! Let me mention that my flight from MIA to EZE was delayed an hour but coincidentally, my roommate and another friend were also in MIA because their flight was also delayed...five hours. They had been there since 6pm so i couldn't really complain too much about my delay but I got on the next available flight and was delighted to get the aisle seat. I settled in with my free pillow and blanket, I browsed the free inflight entertainment and watched Captain Marvel (it was as tony the tiger would say “There GRRRRRRReat!”). I fell asleep soon after dinner was served around 2am and thankfully was able to sleep for about five hours, but that last hour and a half was full of turbulence.

When we finally landed, I was a little sad since it was rainy and dark outside. On top of that, there was a country wide black out (our taxi driver said that the dam that generates the power for Argentina was broken! He said it might have been an accident but he wouldn't doubt that someone might have done something to it on purpose...) We were in the taxi for about 40 mins; I was too tired to keep my eyes open and had fallen asleep! As we pull up to the residence, the taxi driver yells “levantase mija ya llegamos.” I got into the room and wanted to take a shower immediately; I felt like after traveling for 12+ hours you just feel so nasty. Of course I hopped into the shower using my phone flashlight to make sure I didn’t slip, but to be fair our shower is like 2ft by 2ft so there really is no room to fall. I got out the shower and then took a four hour nap, and thankfully when I woke up the power was back on.

I got ready to go to dinner with our group at a restaurant called “Rietti” (Jorge Luis Borges 2205) it was a cute cafe a couple blocks from our residence. I ordered a “Milanesa de Carne con Puree de Papas” - which I would rate about a 6/10. The meat wasn’t as flavorful as i thought i'd be, and the mashed potatoes were pretty plain. Thankfully I had a glass of red wine; I couldn't tell you the name but it was great!

After dinner we went back to our residence and made friends with other people who also live and go to school here. We met some Peruvians, an Ecuadorian, a Costarican, a Chilean, and of course some Argentinians. They were all studying here and had been away from their families for months but were determined to finish school so they could have a career and help their families after. I admired them for being brave and studying in a different country where they don't know anyone. Now being 2 hours from home doesn't seem too bad. This was the end of my first night here, I went to bed feeling excited that I had made new friends and that they welcomed me with open arms.

June 17

This morning we walked to the Subte, which is what they call their metro, and bought and loaded cards so we can be prepared for our first day of school tomorrow. We took the Subte to Las Heras and went to grab lunch at this cute cafe that had dog paintings all over the walls. It kind made me feel like I was in the “Dogs Playing Poker” painting. I got a ham & cheese omelet which was subpar; maybe because I wasn’t very hungry it wasn't that appetizing, but it was just not for me. On the bright side, I ordered orange juice and let me tell you it was BOMB.COM. Honestly, that was probably the best part of my meal.

After lunch, we went back to the residence and proceeded to take a nap. After the nap, my roommate and I went to a restaurant that a friend recommended about fifteen minutes from here and it was called “Chicken Bros”. As my roommate and I were deciding what to order, the guys behind the counter asked us where we were visiting from. Usually, I tell people I'm from right outside of DC just because people know DC. Anyway, turns out that one of the guys was from Woodbridge, which isn’t too far from where I’m from in VA! It was cool to see an American-owned restaurant in a foreign country. Besides the owners being really cool, the food was great and the ambiance of the restaurant was really amazing. The table markers they were handing out were people from american pop culture so it was funny to see that. After this, we went home and went to sleep since tuesday would be our first day in class.

June 18

If you know me at all, you know that I am NOT a morning person. I am THE queen of sleeping in and sleeping for hourssssss. With this being said, waking up at 7am was not the most exciting thing to do. We got up to eat breakfast, and I tried my best to eat something because I knew it was going to be a really long day. For transportation, we use the Subte (their version of the metro) to get to class. It takes us about half an hour to get to school which isn’t too bad; the only thing is that the Subte is really crowded with everyone trying to get to work and school so you kinda have to be aggressive to just push yourself onto the train. We got to Expanish which is where all of our classes are being held. The first two weeks of classes are a crash course of spanish, so they did an oral exam to make sure they were placing us in the right level. Being a native speaker, it wasn't too difficult for me so I was placed in the advanced class. There were only two other kids in my class: an Italian girl and a Swiss guy. I was kind of nervous that our class was so small but throughout the day it felt better because she was able to pay more attention to how we spoke and we were also able to have more in depth conversations about different topics. Today was an exception because we had to take the oral exam but usually class starts at 9:30 and went till 1:30 then we had an hour break then class started again at 2:30 until 4:30. It sounds excruciating, and it is, but the class is fun and time goes by pretty fast. As the class finished, everyone was drained and we all went home on the Subte.

Once we got home, my roommate and I decided we wanted to go find a snack so we walked out of the residence and just started to walk. If you didn't know, street art is a big part of the culture here and is legal, so here in Palermo everywhere you look there is graffiti on the buildings. We started to walk all over the neighborhood and just took pictures and looked at all the beautiful art around us. We ended up walking around for about two hours. Once we got back home we took another nap and then got ready for dinner. We went to this bar in Palermo called “Ragnar” I got myself a burger, and because im legal here i got my first mojito which was really tasty. I really enjoyed the view from the rooftop that they had. Overall it was a really long day but we were finally getting on some kind of schedule. After dinner we went back home and got ready for bed.

June 19

I had a normal school day today but since the women's Argentinian soccer team was playing in the World Cup, we headed over right after class to my teachers favorite bar to watch the game! I later went with Gloria (the italian girl from my class) to eat at a sushi place about a block from our school. I got myself a Mexican Poke bowl which was absolutely delicious. It was my first time eating a poke bowl so i didn't have anything to compare it to. After lunch, we went back to Expanish and waited for everyone to get out of class.

After class we all signed up for a tango class. We waited for our teacher to come and she taught us the basics of Tango; I learned that Tango is not a dance where the point is to move all of your body but it should be a continuous motion (not sure if this makes sense but its not like merengue where your hips, legs, and shoulders move). I think after this class I have more of an appreciation for tango just because I had never really been exposed to it and it didn't look that interesting to me, but dancing it was a whole other thing.

After the tango class we all hopped on the Subte back to the residence. We all took naps (as you can see naps are a crucial part of our routine here lol) and then got ready for dinner. We all decided to go to a bar and to be able to watch the Argentina-Paraguay game. Not sure what bar we went to but it wasn’t too special; I got a quesadilla and some nachos on the side. The most exciting thing about dinner was seeing everyones excitement when argentina scored. The bartender even had a vuvuzela! Since we didn’t have class Thursday, after dinner we walked about two blocks and went into a club. The thing about Argentinian nightlife is that things don’t start poppin till 2am. This is something that we all questioned but it makes sense because they eat dinner at about 10pm. A group of us were just hanging upstairs until about 1:30 and then finally the music started to get really good so we all went downstairs to dance, it was one of the funnest nights so far. We left the club at about 3:30am and got home and all knocked out.

June 20

Waking up at 9:30 after a night out was not ideal, but you do what you gotta do right? Since we didn't have school today our professor from JMU (and our mom for the trip) took us to La Boca which is where the city of Buenos Aires first was established. It’s now very touristy but let me tell you... it is beautiful. All the buildings are so colorful, and craftwork and artwork they sell on the streets were mesmerizing.

We went to the“Museo de Bellas Artes Benito Quinuela Martin,” this museum was in Benito Quinuela Martin house that he lived at the time. The gallery is free to enter and I definitely recommend going if you have time.

The exhibits they had were really interesting my favorite exhibit was the one they had for Roberto Cortes. He is able to depict perfectly what La boca entails and also the struggles and oppression that argentina has faced. The museum also had the rooms made up like how Benito Quinuela Martin had them while he was alive and it was interesting to see how someone lived during the early 20th century. I'm not much of an art person but this entire museum was really interesting, especially to see how different artists show the oppression they have faced as a country.

After the museum, we went to lunch at a restaurant down the street called “La Perla”. I was not the biggest fan of this restaurant just because their service was bad, and the food was mediocre.

We later hopped on a bus back to Plaza de mayo. I'm going to give a little back story for this next part:

During the 1970s, Argentina was facing a “Dirty War” where anyone who was against the government was persecuted. Most of the people speaking out against the government were college students, and because of this students started to disappear all over. Once mothers started to notice that their kids were not the only ones missing they started to organize themselves and want to get answers. This government was obviously very oppressive and because loitering was illegal, mothers would get into groups of two and march in circle in front of La casa rosada (equivalent to our white house) they would wear white scarves on their heads as symbols that these were mothers looking for their missing children. In total over 30,000 students went missing during this dictatorship. There is so much more to this but I personally do not want to write a whole dissertation on how horrible this situation is so here is a link to more information: https://www.history.com/news/mothers-plaza-de-mayo-disappeared-children-dirty-war-argentina

To this day, every thursday, these mothers still march on Plaza de Mayo. We all had the honor of seeing these mothers, family members and activists march in front of la casa rosada. There are now two groups from my understanding one group is still looking for answers for what happened to their children and so this group would walk around La Plaza de Mayo and they would read the names of the disappeared students outloud and after each name the group would yell “Presente” (Present) just to show that their kids will never be forgotten. The other group is now more politically active and strives to make more changes so that this never happens and they walked around the plaza saying different chants. It was remarkable to see that even fifty years later these mothers are still the front of the movement.

After seeing them march, we walked over to a cafe to get some coffee but I personally got a Submarine which is THE best hot chocolate you can drink. It’s basically a bar of chocolate that melts in the boiling milk its delicioso! After we all finished we went back home to the residence, and you guessed it, we took a nap. After our wonderful nap we went to go get dinner at a restaurant around here called “el Galeon”, not my favorite but it was a 6/10, to be fair I only got a salad but the chicken in the salad was a bit questionable. After dinner we went home and got into bed.

June 21

Today was our last day of having class till 4:30; we had two holidays this week since we had to make up for the class time missed. But I am so,so,so happy we do not have to be in class for seven hours anymore. Today in class, I realized that my vocabulary needs to expand more so now i'm glad that we were talking about topics I usually don’t discuss in spanish like the economy and politics. Other than that, class had been fun but I was a little sad today since my friend Gloria was graduating from the program and won't be in class but since shes still gonna be here for another five weeks we plan on hanging out so i'll update you guys when I get to see her again

After class we all went home and then later that night we got ready to go to dinner at a restaurant called “La Robla,” this was a spanish inspired restaurant in Palermo. I shared a Milanesa Clasico with Mashed Potatoes and we also got a side salad. This has been one of my favorite meals so far. The milanesa was to die for and those mashed potatoes really had me begging for more.

After dinner we went to a bar called “Chupitos,” we paid 140 pesos to get in and the entrance fee comes with two shots. I got a shot called “Poseidon,” it had tequila, lime juice and some blue liqour in it but i thought I wasnt going to like it but it was really good. I also took a picture of my friends beer because i mean just look at it...

After the bar we went to a techno club which was really cool to see EDM in a different country. We stayed out till about 5am with everyone and some of the guys from our residencia. After that we all went home and went directly to bed.

P.S.

I know this was a really long post so I may try and keep it to three or four day a post but I just am living in the moment an enjoying life right now so it might be a bit difficult so you all will have to bear with me. Thanks for your support!

Con mucho amor,

T.L.

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