#let me actually link the artist i almost forgot to do that
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Review of the making of the map by fox_pitch
I'm new to marauders, this is the second fic I've read.
Summary: I liked this fic, a lot. It was a fun read and I really liked the progression of both Wolfstar and James/Lili (is it Jilly? I can’t remember). A bit less angsty than what I usually read and some parts felt underbaked, but the author kept my attention INCREDIBLY. I stayed up about four hours later than I usually do binge reading this. Very good.
SPOILERS BELOW BEWARE BEWARE
Since chapters are shorter ill do bigger recaps infrequently throughout, but still little chapter notes
Chapter one
YES THEY’RE NOT GAY YET
Cannot wait to see this unfold <3333
Aw they’re so cute, definitely a wolf star focus
I hope this goes through seventh year so I can see James and lily play out
Chapter two
Why did I not process its the first day of term thats wild and crazy
Ok so lily still is buddies with Snape which tracks timeline wise I guess
Do they pants him at the end of the fifth or sixth year I can’t remember
I am confused on the lily dynamic tbh what does she think of the group
Chapter three
This one kinda ate, im liking the short chapters I get more invested in each part of the story
Obviously I know they’re not just gonna kill off Peter, but him dying in the shack did cross my mind
I wonder when lupin gets the potion stuff
Chapter four
MURDER MYSTORY??? HOW FUN
I hope remus gets over himself soon how was Sirius supposed to know how intense the situation was bruh
Blanket statement that I apologize for all shitty teenage boy behavior they need to chill
Chapter five
Calling him inbred is hilarious Im liking remus’s pov
Hes gay James stop
Literally he’s gonna go be ur wingman be happy
Good chapter very chill
RECAP FIRST FIVE CHAPTERS
I like the silliness thats been in this so far. I am NOT liking that remus and Sirius aren’t talking to each other. Is it a narrative device? Absolutely. But I despise it so much.
I think Sirius’ characterization is very good so far, I’m surprised they haven’t fleshed out the Regulus stuff more yet. Hopefully will get his pov soon
God I hope this is a save reggie fic cmon
I really hope this passage is the one to honey dukes.
Im sure the plots about to pick up more since they’re actually making the map
Chapter six
If I was lily I would’ve folded so fucking fast bruh
Like I know he’s annoying but like he’s cute, and likes her so much, and is clearly like progressive what is the problem
Anyway, sirius needs to chill if he wants to be gay
Chapter seven
Closet time closet time its time to be emotional in the closetttt
Calling him a cat is funny
Sirius is my fave because he’s also like a fixer upper with issues but he’s not EVILL he just has trauma
And he actually wants to be the best version of himself yk (unlike some dumb ass fucking bitches I know)
Chapter eight
SHE DID NOT JUST CRUCIO HIM
Cradling his head
Sirius licking him
God can marlene just fucking kill herself please
Chapter nine
Honestly there is no world in which I wouldnt feel awkward with my friends jokingly offering to kiss me as a form of like emotional comfort like thats not normal
Like my best friend gave me a big hug after I broke up with my ex she’s not gonna go “oh haha idk what else to do other than make out with you lol lol.” Sirius what the fuck
Anyway I love to see the lily and James bonding but I can tell it makes remus feel lonelier
Wonder if we’re gonna get Peter development at all
Chapter ten
I dont even want to write uodates anymore because im liking the fic too much
Hes so stressed abt being gay I thought he already knew he was gay bruh Sirius is clueless obvi
Chapter 11
JUMPSCARE FANART BAD BAD FANART ITS TERRIBLE
Love how the maps coming together
This is not going over well with Sirius im sure
12
Ok so bed making out
Im so fucking horny I need to make out with someone STAT
Preferably someone with a penis bc it confirms they like me but tbh I don’t give a shit
Its 1:12 am
So it did go over well with Sirius. I expected some internalized homophobia or something but he’s actually being chill for once
OKAYYYYYYY RECAP TO CHAPTER TWENTY ONE 💋💋💋
so i got so engrossed in the story that i forgot to write my chapter notes
but so far i feel fantastic about it
LOVE LILY AND JAMES' DYNAMIC ITS SO GOOD
the regulus thing is making me want to kms. i have like no hope for reg redemption bc the fic isn't long enough, and i feel like all that happens will be the murder mystery and MAYBE gay shit
sirius was SO STUPID with marlene like clearly remus has some issues with being open and you need to like discuss,, not make out with some other bitch
also them both being bi is not what i expected? feel like remus should be gay
peters character is... interesting. why are they friends with him. also he has bo gryffy qualities wtf.
Recap AGAIN but not done yet
Ok, the wormhole shit is interesting. Poor elves.
I wonder what happened to them, is this the in between place or whatever?
They’re being too romantic on the battlefield you gotta lock in guys
Also I thought an avada grazing you killed you no matter what
Also Sirius fully used crucio and nobody like cared other than remus. Like no commentary
WHERE’S JAMES BRUH
Hilarious. Peak comedy. Coming back to life and IMMEDIATELY kissing Lily. Her being grossed out. Literally perfect.
Ok the introduction of the OOTP, seems good.
Honestly really like what I’ve seen in the fic, but it’s a bit TOO silly for my tastes. I need more angst.
Like obviously I want Remus and Sirius to be openly gay and in love but it was too easy in this fic, like with Destiel its always SUCH an issue lmao.
TOTAL RECAP:
I liked this fic, a lot. It was a fun read and I really liked the progression of both Wolfstar and James/Lili (is it Jilly? I can’t remember)
I do feel like it was a little too light at times, there wasn’t a whole lot of grey area morally, and a lot of big issues weren’t fully fleshed out. I wish they’d dived into Regulus more, and Snape. I wish they’d addressed Sirius’ use of the Cruiciatus curse, and I wish they’d address Dumbledores failings more directly
Werewolf shit was fantastic to read, the angst, the fear, the violence, the drama. I thought the transformations were excellently done and I really enjoyed the progression of them figuring out the roaming/playing
Hogsmeade passage shut off? Strange.
I did not enjoy that I cannot be sure they are safe. That’s a benefit of post-hog warts fic, if its truly marauders James and Lily often don’t die.
Overall very happy fic. I did love the aggressive use of drunkness as a plot device, I liked Lily’s characterization for the most part, and it was pretty addicting in the middle.
I thought Characterization was good, not fantastic but definitely good. Peter threw me, not very likable. It’s hard to do him correctly and have him add worth to the story, but I just did not like him the whole time, and I felt like Remus and Sirius both didn’t care for him and found him annoying.
7.5/10 <3
My rankings are not supposed to be biased. Horrible shitty fic would get like a one, something readable but bad would get a fourish. Most fics that I read will be around 7-9 simply because I sort by Kudos and get recs from misuss so they’re better quality to begin with.
Great light silly read, with just enough depth to keep it interesting. I could see myself re-reading this fic once I get to know the marauders better.
Also, I do not like the fanart in this fic but I'm sure that's not universal. The artist is credited within the fic but I'd like to tag them here just to acknoledge the hard work that went into it. I checked them out and ADORE some of their other work, this one was just not to my liking. They have some percy jackson shit up that EATS.
@komodokai on instagram
#marauders#fic reviews#fic rec#wolfstar#gay shit#remus lupin#james potter#peter pettigrew#lily evans#sirius black#regulus black#jily#wolfstar fic#fanart i dont like#but im a fanart hater 99% of the time#let me actually link the artist i almost forgot to do that
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Name: Blewbird
Debut: Super Mario Bros. Wonder
Blewbird is weird. I mean, no duh, it's being featured on "Weird Mario Enemies," even if our blog title gets less and less fitting by the day, but I mean weirder than you'd realize by just looking at it at a glance. If you just take a quick glance at it, you might not think much of it -- just a stylized cartoon bluebird, reminiscent of The Artist Formerly Known As Twitter.
But then you look at it more closely, notice things like its black shell and brown shoes. How weirdly smooth its skin is, without even the suggestion of feathers. The fact it doesn't have wings at all. The fact these things burrow out of the ground.
Oh, and let's not forget the fact they shoot off their own beaks!
Yeah, let's not ignore the main hook of the enemy here! Blewbirds predominantly appear in the level Blewbird Roost, where they'll stand against walls and shoot out their beaks at Mario and Friends. Of course, usually their beaks end up sticking to walls across from them...
And unfurling into platforms! That's right! Blewbirds are an animal that evolved to create Platforming Challenges! Is this how they traverse all the open air in the caves they live in without wings? It's not like they can burrow everywhere!
So whatever Blewbirds are, I'm pretty sure they're not birds. Blewbirds are birds in the sense that jellyfish are fish. (A comparison I'm pretty sure I've made multiple times on the blog at this point.) But if they aren't birds, then what are they? Well, let's take another look at Blewbird without its beak...
Does it remind you of anything...?
Because it reminds me of Birdo, another character who's named after a bird for no particularly good reason whatsoever! Almost like it's all connected... But I mean, the similarities are hard to ignore -- the tube mouth optimized for shooting projectiles, the white underbelly, the weirdly smooth skin, heck, you could probably make the very bold argument that Blewbird's ponytail and Birdo's bow are connected somehow.
But wait! I'm not ending things right there, because Blewbird doesn't only have similarities to Birdo...
You see, Nintendo has connected the Birdos and Yoshis for a while now, as Mario's main Weird Dinosaur Characters, but there hasn't been an awful lot actually connecting them in-universe... until now?! For you see, I'm making the radical claim that Blewbirds are proof of a missing link species that connects the Yoshis and Birdos! Look at it! The tube mouth of Birdo. The shell and shoes of Yoshi. It's all so clear now!
Blewbirds aren't birds! They're some sort of weird dinosaur! Just like... just like... just like real birds. Hmm.
Maybe I need to rethink the point I was making with this post. Taxonomy is weird, guys.
*phone ringing*
Oh! Hold on, I need to answer that. Hello?
Hmmm... as a matter of fact, I think I am! I spent so much time talking about Yoshis and Birdos that I forgot to do this: *touches Wonder Flower to trigger Wonder Effect for the post*
During Blewbird Roost's Wonder Effect, Blewbirds will start blowing very large, very colorful bubbles! Your character can bounce on these bubbles to go *Pauline voice* ♪ High up in the sky~! ♪, but you need to be careful, since each bubble pops when you jump on it! The number of Blewbirds in the Blewbird Roost doesn't make that much of an issue, but in a Special World level where you're a Goomba who can hardly jump at all? Well... Good Luck!
That being said, this raises even more questions about Blewbird anatomy, because they blow these bubbles out of their beaks! You know, the ones they shoot off that, as far as I'm aware, aren't even part of their bodies? And in order to blow bubbles out of their beak, their mouth has been moved to the end of it! What is going on here?!
I'm not sure, but I can try to provide a relatable human analogy! Imagine if you put a Cone in your mouth, but someone nearby touched a Wonder Flower, so the Cone fused to your face and the mouth was at the end of the Cone, and you were very scared about this development so you tried to scream but only bubbles came out. We've all been there! And for the Blewbird, it's exactly like this. Hopefully now you understand!
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Day 2 (Face Fucking/M Rec. x Miguel O' Hara)
blurb: your boyfriend invited you for lunch at his office because he is stressed, and you decide to help him out. (it's not assistant x boss)
reader is a sub/brat afab and has being dating Miguel for 10+ months (no use of y/n)
tags: oral (m rec.), dirty talk (praise and degradation), semi public (on couch inside his office. you dont take off your clothes.), swallowing, hair pulling, Miguel whimpers (i cant help it, i am sorry), you don't get caught. use of little spider, baby, and love.
again, mdni.
no beta read (ignore the mistakes i would correct them when i wake up lol) and again no word count, idk. i am barely awake as is. (LMAOOOO, i am sane dw)
edit: i took my partner's advice and went to bed. i am however ready to start. i slept for four hours. so not good, but i am used to that.
edit:i am sorry. i actually forgot😭i had a shit ton on my schedule too
fanart credit to artist!
Miguel had his head across your lap, and you were playing with his hair. His eyes were closed, but you knew he wasn't sleeping. You had just finished lunch, picking up some empanadas from the cafeteria for him.
You knew whatever was stressing him out was really bad when he didn't eat any of them. "Miggy."
He made a grumbling sound of acknowledgement, his hands lifting to guide your hands to the hair closer to his forehead.
It wasn't a secret that the head of the spider society had trauma of his own, though it had taken a while for him to open up to you and let you past that hard shell to see the inner still grumpy but soft bear inside him.
Still, he rarely talked unless it was necessary.
Or when he was shouting Spanish curse words at recruits who messed up.
"Miggy." You said again, this time tugging on his hair until he cursed, his eyes opening.
"Yes, baby?"
"You are so tense." You whispered, running your hands through his hair, sliding your hands down the side of his chin.
He sighed, his eyes fluttering close before his hands come up in his hair to link with yours.
"It's work. Jess brought in a new batch, and they are causing unnecessary problems. And that fucking anomaly in the..." He trailed off, cursing off and sighing.
You noticed his claws had come out and you take his hands in yours, pressing into his palm to watch them softly retract into the pads of his fingers.
"I could help you destress."
Miguel always said no whenever you asked because he was afraid he would hurt you with how big he was. But you wanted him to.
If he understood what you meant, he didn't show it. But you knew he did.
He laughed instead, his eyes still closed as you press against his palm again. "You do enough just being here, little spider."
You bit your lip, dropping his hand. "That's not what I meant by destress."
Miguel's eyes snapped open and the lust that burned in them before the blanket came on had you smirking. You had always known that he wanted it too.
"Baby..."
"I want to, Miggy. Please." You slid your hands into the small spot behnd his ear and he groaned, his hips already lifting off the couch.
"I am going to hurt you." He was getting off your lap now, and you almost whined at the loss of contact.
"I can handle it." You said, sliding your hands over his chest.
Miguel shook his head, pinning your hands to his chest. "Mi vida, you don't understand. I barely control myself with you as it is."
One hand slid up your chest, before sweeping across your throat and his finger tugged your lips down.
"If I hurt you, I would never be able to live with myself, baby." You saw the unposken trauma in his eyes, one that you knew stemmed from his backstory.
You wished you could cover him and protect him from what he had gone through, and you grabbed his hand, wrapping your fingers around his wrist.
"Miguel."
He stared at you, his eyes running over every feature of your face before he sighed, snaking his hand up higher to grab the back of your head.
"On one condition."
"Anything."
"You tell me if it gets too much." You thought of protesting, but the look he pinned you with made your mouth snap shut and you nodded.
"Dios, you really want to do this." He muttered as you got off the couch, sliding to your knees in front of him.
He slipped his hands in your hair, and laughed, before grabbing your hands at his belt buckle. "Slowly, baby."
"Sorry." You whispered, even though you weren't sorry at all.
He stared at you, before dropping those eyes to your lips. "You remember your promise?"
You nodded and he let go of your hands, and you started undoing his belt buckle, keeping your eyes on your hands. You could feel his eyes burning a hole at the top of your head.
You finally got it free, and you pushed it aside to reveal his black briefs, the one you had helped him pick when you went shopping last week.
"Take me out." His voice had gotten that bedroom tilt, the one it always got whenever you were both about to lose yourselves in each other.
But you could also hear the shake behind it.
You could still feel how tight his body was strung up, and you let your eyes lift up to meet his, and you straightened, and he brought his lips down to meet yours.
He sighed when your lips met, and his hands cup your face, pulling you into him. "I could never get over this."
His tongue swept over your bottom lip, and you wordlessly opened your lips in invitation. His hands moved to your neck, not choking or squeezing, just holding you in place.
"Christ, you drive me insane, baby."
He traced the line of your jaw, his lips making a path upward toward your nose, before coming down to kiss your neck again.
It was muscle memory that made you roll your neck to the side to allow him better access, and Miguel took full advantage, leaving a litter of hickeys on your neck.
The skin of your neck was getting warm beneath his breath and lips, and the burning twisting sensation inside you started spreading, building into a bundle in your core where it gathered and grew with each brush of his lips.
A small, soft moan escaped your lips and Miguel hissed, pulling away to stare at you. "Dios mío, nunca podría cansarme de mirarte así."
You barely understood what he was saying, but you didn't need to. The look in his eyes were enough words.
"Be a good girl and take me out."
You slipped yours hands into his boxers, tugging it down as his hips lifted off the couch. He was already obscenely hard, and you could have sworn your mouth watered.
He was thick, long and curved in a way that made you remember how well he hit the spots inside you and make you break apart.
"If you are going to keep staring at me like that, I am not responsible for my actions." He muttered, his tone careful as if he was afraid to set you off.
"You are beautiful." You whispered and lifted your eyes in time to see him blush, and he lifted one hand to cover his face.
You took that opportunity to ease him into your mouth, and Miguel swore, both hands dropping to grip your hair and you could feel the sharp ting of his claws.
You groaned, and you felt them retract, but before you could complain he started talking.
"You have no idea how amazing your mouth feels right now, little spider." He groaned as you ease him more into your throat, breathing slowly through your nose.
"Baby, you need..." You ignored him, easing him further down and lifting your hands to softly grip his balls.
Miguel made a weird noise in the back of his throat, and you bit back a grin, moving backwards before swirling your tongue over and around the smooth head.
You couldn't help yourself as you looked up at him, and he had his hands over his face, and you could tell he was holding himself back, so you jerked forward until you gagged and he let out a string of Spanish curses.
“Yes, Christ, you are perfect.” he whispered and his eyes snapped open and he looked at you, the pride you saw there made its way down your spine.
“Just like that, baby.”
His hand climbed its way into your hair and he stared at you, halting your movements. “You want more, baby? You want me to take over?”
Miguel's iris's were red, and his hair was falling over his face as he leaned forward, and you nodded.
You would take anything he gave you.
Using the grip he had on your hair, he pulled your head toward his hips, feeding his cock even deeper into your mouth.
It made your jaw ache, considering how big he was and how little you had taken in before, but you didn't feel nervous. Even though you had no control over how much he tried to shove in.
But Miguel went slowly at first, stopping when he hit the back of your throat and before hissing and pulling out again.
He waited for your nod before he did it again, and this time you leaned into it and tried to take him deeper. You knew when he breached the back of your throat, sliding in and you forced yourself to relax, breathing in through your nose.
Miguel whimpered, making a pained groan afterwards before running his other hand over your jaw and throat. “That feels fucking amazing, querida.”
His hand remained in your hair, easing your mouth into soft strokes, while you tried to focus on working your tongue along his dick.
It made you think you were a little sick to enjoy the way he was using your mouth, but you couldn't form a single thought as he thrust gently between your lips.
“Oh fuck. Yeah. Yeah, just like that. You are doing so good for me, baby.” His praise caused a fire to ignite in your belly, and he curled his fingers into your hair, effectively ruining your hair further.
You let him take control, and you could tell he was getting close when he let out a string of Spanish and gripped your hair so hard you actually lost you felt a twinge of pain shoot up your scalp.
You ignored his tugging, clearly telling you to get off if you didn't want his cum down your throat, but you ignored him, sucking harder while your hands snaked up to cup and caress his balls.
"Ah Dios."
You felt him shoot down your throat and his grip in your slacked as you lifted your eyes to see him rest his head against the couch.
"You like?" You asked, moving off him and helping him tuck himself back into his briefs.
Miguel's head lifted, his eyes dropping down to your lips and his thumb pulled it down. "Open."
You did, and it should be sick how the pride in his smile made your entire body lit up, but his hands slid over to rub that spot behind your ear and all your thoughts flew outside the window.
"My dirty little girl got what she wanted, didn't she?"
You nodded, smiling and dropping your eyes to his cock, which was already forming a bulge in his trousers. "Can I go again?"
"Oh no, love." His hands snaked under your arms, pulling you off the floor and onto his lap.
"Now? Now it's your turn."
You didn't argue.
#miguel x reader#miguel o'hara#miguel o hara smut#miguel spiderverse#atsv miguel#kinktober 2023#kinktober#si11yw0rm#astv smut
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Today's Project: Creature Crafting!
This is a method of inspiration for creature designing, for any gentle readers who are writers or artists or game masters- or anyone, really, your purposes are none of my beeswax. If it looks useful or fun, try it!
I might have posted this method of monster creation before, but if I have it's been a long time and I'm almost certain I didn't include pictures last time. So please enjoy it today, despite the weird fish monster I greeted you with.
What you do is take parts of skeleton illustrations, mash them together, and draw a new form around it to turn this chimeric mess into a new creature. I primarily use illustrations of extinct animal skeletons, which adds a prehistoric feel and lets me decide whether and where to add feathers, fur, osteoderms, and spikes without the original animal informing the decision.
That is, in theory. If you've read about paleontology you'll probably catch your knowledge of the actual animal creeping in a little too much. It's one thing to go "The original's eye sockets are the middle ones, not the big ones in the back." It's quite another to get stuck on "This torso was a mesohippus so the front feet have to be hooves no matter what." If that's the case, purposely adjust the design to be different and that should reboot your creative juices. No one needs to know the original animal had hooves if they no longer appear in the final result.
Actually doing stuff:
TLDR Short Version:
Gather reference images. Suggested sources are extinct animal skeleton illustrations.
Cut into three pieces: heads, torsos with front legs/flippers, and hindquarters with rear appendages and tails.
Shuffle each category of parts up.
Select one of each type- one random head, one random torso, one random tail.
Sketch new creature based on the random parts.
Add details, embellishments, or notes based on the new creature from the sketch.
The Details:
To start, gather your references. I cannot supply mine because I printed them out and no longer have links, but search for things like "paleozoic skeleton illustration", "extinct animal skeleton", or "dinosaur skeleton reconstruction" to start. I advise using "extinct" or "reconstruction" and synonyms thereof in pretty much any search to avoid getting recent dead animals, human remains, or reconstructions with fleshy bits and exteriors that might influence your design. Also illustrations are easier to interpret than photos once they're cut up. Trust me.
Once you have your source images, you can go digital by slicing the images and saving the pieces as different layers or images, or manual by printing them out and cutting them with scissors. I cut mine into three parts- head and neck, front limbs with torso and spine, and hips/hindquarters with rear appendages and tail. Keep each type/category of part together and once they're all cut up, shuffle the stacks.
I suggest keeping the parts in a folder (or physical parts in an envelope) so you can use them in the future. Mine are separated like so:
Also if you're smarter than I am, you'll flip your images so they're all facing the same way. I have six envelopes instead of three because I forgot, resulting in "heads facing left", "heads facing right", "torsos facing left", etc.
To start creating, select one piece from each pile. I like to arrange mine at the top of a sheet of paper, photocopy it so I can keep the skeleton images but reuse the parts again later, and sketch the animal on the photocopy. I did one this morning and took photos to illustrate the rest of the process. First, my paleo parts:
I'm pretty sure this is a terror bird's tail and a mesohippus torso with that turtle head. First, sketch the basic shape this creature suggests. I usually start with the hindquarters and back, then sketch in the upper legs (because if there are issues, I'm most likely to change the feet over anything else, to make things more logical, but the shape of the haunches usually stays close to the same).
That torso tells me this is most likely a four-limbed creature. The tail is unfortunately from a photograph so parts are hard to make out. I'm not sure what that thick bit of pelvis in front of the tail is, so I'm most likely going to ignore it. Maybe I'll make the rear legs a little chunkier to suggest it's there. The front limbs have a slope to the shoulder blade so even if I didn't know this is most likely a mesohippus, I'd give it a horse's shoulder because that just makes sense with the bone shape.
After the shape of the animal is down, you can evaluate what details it tells you. This one, despite the claws in the rear, looks like a grazing animal so I decided it uses the strong beak and feet to eat grass and dig for tubers. It has high protrusions on the spine above the forelimbs, where the withers would be on a horse, but with the low head and neck, it doesn't looks very rideable. So I sketched a rear view showing the high spine compared to the round sides. Then I sketched the feet to sort those out (this is where the "This was a mesophippus" thought I mentioned earlier happened, which is how this creature got stumpy claws on both rear and front toes later). And I did a couple different possibilities for the facial horns, with the thought that maybe the males have big horns for defense and display. Then I figured, why leave the lady turto-rhino-phosrhaco-ponies out, and figured they can have out-sized horns too.
At this stage, I add notes to myself. I know my handwriting is bad so here's the most relevant ones:
maybe add some fur or fat
no good for riding if domesticated
-if adding fur, could turn into hump (this is in reference to the tall withers)
grazing and digging (with an arrow toward the hooked turtle beak)
floppy ears could work but it'd look even more rhino-like
And that's the gist of it! After this, you can move on to a new creature, try something different with the same skeleton, or polish this animal up a bit.
Want to see a similar method by a professional illustrator using just skulls (3D rendered, no real skulls involved), with dynamic results? I happen to have found one today! Try this video from Youtube channel Jazza: Drawing Insane Creatures from Mystery Skulls!
And here's another example from me:
Happy Chimera Creature Crafting!
#monster design#creature design#sorry not sorry for starting with the fish abomination#worldbuilding#descriptions in the alt text#my projects
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I was gonna do this under a read more, but fuck it. You get to deal with me now.
Nothing is truly original and people need to get over this fact.
Yes, you can make original work, but someone, somewhere is going to find a correlation to an existing thing. It doesn't matter if the original work's artist has never seen what they're referencing, it came from somewhere.
The last truly original thing I have ever seen be created was the Cannonball Loop in Action Park, NJ. And you wanna know something about this monstrosity?
This thing never opened to the public because it was too dangerous even for the testers. Gene Mulvihill was apparently trying to pay people to try this death trap. His own son was even hesitant to try it. The last truly originally creative thing I've ever seen was a death trap waiting to happen.
Human creativity builds off of what it sees; changing it into something for an individual's own palette. A good portion of the time, it's a subconscious thing, you don't even realize that you create something that's similar to something else. It could be something even as simple as "I saw this thing a while back" and just forgot until you see it again.
I linked this before, and I'll link it again. TomSka's video on plagiarism in the arts. He talks specifically about his own experiences with plagiarism (both actual and not actual plagiarism). In all honesty, I do urge every creative to watch.
youtube
I shared this a while back specifically for his "Somerton Scale". Here it is typed out.
No Correlation -> Parallel Thinking -> Subconscious Appropriation -> Inspiration -> Influence -> Reference -> Allusion -> Derivative -> Imitative -> Cloning
So, obvious, the first point (no correlation) and final point (cloning) are straightforward. No plagiarism and blatant plagiarism. It's those in between points that I see far too many people get their fucking panties in a bunch. Most specifically, the two points I want to talk about; parallel thinking and subconscious appropriation.
The first two points kind of go hand in hand. Parallel thinking is the process of two unrelated people having the same idea. Now, why do I personally say that this goes hand in hand with subconscious appropriation? Well, there's a reason why certain riffs in music are called earworms or why an idea might sometimes be called a brainworm. You get an idea from somewhere that you love and you make it your own.
Let's take, for example, I dunno... Counting freckles on your partner. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have read this, quite frankly trope in free harlequin ebooks on Amazon. I used to have time to read a lot when I was younger and I didn't care what it was, as long as it was reading material. Did they all steal that idea from one another? No, they didn't. It's honestly a very human thing that actual real humans do. A person doing something to create a mental image of their partner; wanting to engrave every little detail into their minds. That is an adorable thought and a lot of people do it. I know I would.
It's these two points that I always see people throw the biggest, most absolute infantile tantrums. And, almost 98% of the time, it's always the only correlation between two pieces is the same idea. Yeah, you know my "Elect Death for President" art I recently did? I highly doubt I'm the first person to make art of such a dark concept. Especially since I even got the idea from the Wednesday 13 song of the same name. I'm also writing a fic based off the Creature Feature song A Gorey Demise, which was based off of The Gashlycrumb Tinies. Just because I'm using the lyrics of the song for the chapter titles, it doesn't mean it's plagiarism. Now, if I used the lyrics for the chapter titles, didn't tell anybody that it was based off of a song, and possibly changed the name of the story? Yeah, that might be a different story. But even then, that would more fall into the category of allusion (thinly).
As I previously mentioned, we see and hear things we like, it doesn't matter what the media is. Music, stories, movies, tv shows, even just the world around us, and locks it away into a place that we call our own. We make up our own little ideas based off of these things our minds take in; it gets twisted into our own personal tastes. Sometimes people just don't remember where they might get an idea from. Or, they do know, but it's just a small thing, it's not worth mentioning. That doesn't make an idea plagiarism.
Now, I wanna swing the topic slightly for a moment. Character creation and theft. I'm gonna be blunt with you guys, some of my characters are stolen... to a degree. What do I mean by this?
Savino and his brothers; they were all my and an ex-friend's rendition of The Midnight Crew from an old roleplay we'd had going on for like two years. Yes, Homestuck Midnight Crew. By the time I actually took control of the lot of them, they were shadows of their former selves; the only thing distinguishing them from what they were originally being that I hadn't actually made them human at that point or changed their names. If I'd never said anything, there's literally only like two people who would've known that they were originally a roleplay version of the homestuck characters.
The same thing with Jason. He's my former Turbo from my Wreck-It Ralph rp blog days. Now, granted, my Turbo was already pretty disjointed from WiR even in his initial creation, but once I left that era of my life, I didn't want to just throw him into the pit. I still wanted to use him for something; I loved him too much to do that. A fresh coat of paint, a new backstory, and he's now a part of my Fallout line up. Doesn't negate where he came from, however. But, again, if I hadn't said anything, only maybe two or three people would have known.
However, these characters are so disjointed from their original content that they're not that anymore and haven't been associated with their former selves for a long time. Without mentioning anything, most people would be none the wiser unless you previously knew me from those eras of my life. And I am still further developing these characters to further disjoint them from their origins. Vague references at best (Savino and his brothers initials being the same, as well as their crew still being called the Midnight Crew or Jason still sporting the facial markings I'd originally given my Turbo).
There's no real excuse to steal another person's character, however. Outright laying claim or using another person's character for any reason, especially without doing any sort of changes is no different than plagiarism. And, quite frankly, you must be quite the miserable person to do as such. Kinda makes me wonder, what else are you hiding.
Sure, it's possible to have a character that's similar to somebody else's without realizing it until someone points it out. It does happen, quite a lot. However, I also see it more often than naught someone just sees a character, hates how the original creator is portraying them, and then steals it. When they're called out about it, they throw a temper tantrum, claiming that it's totally their own character for sure. Some people are just cheeky cunts and extremely blatant about it.
Theft/plagiarism isn't something that should be taken lightly. Nor is it something that you should just throw around willy fucking nilly. It's a serious claim. And to claim something that you know doesn't actually fall under plagiarism/theft, honestly makes you a shit human being. It's time to learn that not everything you do isn't actually original.
I'll be the first to tell you, just because I ran my shit through a plagiarism checker and got 100% original content? Doesn't mean that I'm not the first person to come up with a brothel in a church or a scummy bad guy kidnapping someone for leverage to rule something. I'm not the first person to write two friends having drunken sex. And I know I won't be the last. You certainly aren't going to be the first to create your ideas either. But you also won't be the last, either.
Just, sit in your little bubble and create. And stay in your own goddamn lane. Unless it's actually, legitimately a beat-for-beat recreation of your work; just shut up. It's not as original as you might think it is.
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Life advice question… Okay here it goes: I have been dating someone who I love very much for more than a year. Let’s call him Joe. It’s a crazy long story, but I have loved him since highschool which was 9 years ago now. We were never together until a year ago but we were friends as teenagers. In 2021 I made a lot of mistakes including marrying someone for 6 months who was wrong for me because of guilt and religion but I never forgot about Joe all along. I moved back with my mom after the divorce from my failed “marriage” in 2021 and reconnected with my long lost love. I know I want to be with Joe and we are thinking of moving in together but my mom and my grandparents will look down on me because they believe that you shouldn’t move in together before marriage. It hurts so much because I too have these thoughts internalized from religious trauma but I want to live with him so bad but I’m scared of my family’s response. They already see me as a dumb slut for staying over with him on the weekends. I already tried the no sex, no anything before marriage thing and I ended up with a lying, psychopathic narcissist that used religion against me so I really don’t believe that it is the right choice for everyone. I know you grew up in a religious home too so you might understand. What should I do? I’m so scared. I’m getting older now and everyone else seems to have moved on with their lives and settled down. My boyfriend says he wants to live together at least a little while before getting married which is understandable because you don’t really know somebody until then, which I experienced first hand.
I feel like I can’t handle the judgment of my family, but I want to be with the love of my life. He comes from a much more relaxed background which sees sex and relationships as natural and without a strict timeline. It’s so much pressure when my mom always says I had a five year old and was married at your age all the time, why doesn’t he love you, what’s going on? she says he’s just using me and doesn’t care about me because he hasn’t proposed within a year, which hurts me so much, and is far from the truth, but when I hear it all the time it messes with my head. I try to explain my choices and my relationship but I just go mute and shut down. I’ve always loved your writing, and although it’s cringy to say, I feel like I relate a lot to Link never forgetting about and loving Ghirahim (my boyfriend is eccentric, artistic, sensual and wild at times, but that’s why I love him) in your story and everyone not understanding and worrying. It hit me on such a deep level to read even years ago. Ive never loved anybody like I love my boyfriend, and I don’t want to marry some random guy because he is “perfect” in my family’s perspective. What do you think I should do in this situation, it just feels so crushing and depressing at times? I’m just trying to live my life and follow my heart without feeling so much guilt and shame. Thank you for reading.
Hi, anon! That is a lot 💖 Deep breath. It's going to be okay 🫂
You're right, I was raised in a very religious home—Mormon, specifically. Looking back, I think a lot of Blind, But Now actually arose from my complicated feelings about disentangling from the beliefs I grew up with, but I hear that it makes a good metaphor for other scenarios, as well. I'm glad you found something to relate to 💖
A few grains of salt before I attempt to offer any advice (along with the general caveats thrown in that I'm not any sort of professional, your mileage may vary, etc, etc):
I can't speak to the specifics of your relationship with Joe, though in a way, that's almost beside the point. It sounds like you've known him for a long time, and you love and trust him enough to want to continue the relationship. No red flags jump out at me from your telling of things (lmao except maaaybe you comparing him to Ghirahim, but I'm going to assume you didn't mean that too literally 😂). It's definitely the widely accepted practice outside of religious circles to move in together before marriage (or with no intention to marry), and his asking does not at all indicate a lack of love.
I also talked to my sister a little bit about this because, to be honest, I'm the only one of my siblings who actually did the whole no living together/sex before marriage thing 🙃 The only reason my marriage has worked out as well as it has is because my husband and I have both grown a lot in similar directions since getting married, but it still has its complications.
That all being said, this is actually the best possible time for you to start looking to disentangle yourself from a living situation that's causing you so much stress and shame. I personally am the type of person to contort myself into knots to keep the peace, often to my own detriment. I think you might relate. Still, imagine the kinds of decisions you'll have to make down the line to keep that peace, and what your life might look like as a result. Imagine if your first marriage had resulted in children before you left it (as an aside, generally speaking, early 20s with a five year old is NOT the aspirational lifestyle some people make it out to be 😂). The longer you wait, the more you let your life seep into the cracks of least resistance, the higher your exit cost will be later on. As hard as it is (and it is hard!) this is the perfect stage of life to rip the bandaid, so to speak.
The next thing I'll say is that even if you weren't looking to move in with a romantic partner, I would still be suggesting that you start looking for a way to get out from under your mom's roof. Now obviously, I don't know your exact situation. There might be circumstances or disabilities on your part that make financial stability nearly impossible—and either way, "become financially stable" isn't exactly actionable advice on its own. 😜
What I can say is that there is a freedom and relief you can experience once you don't have your moms' words in your ear every day—freedom that I doubt you experienced during those six months with an emotionally abusive husband. All of my siblings found it much easier to develop their own personal belief systems outside of my parents' house, and my parents don't use language even a tenth as shaming as your mom seems to. I even know somebody right now who's working on a career training program with the goal of getting out of their religious dad's house who they know won't accept their queer identity.
Moving in with Joe could hopefully make that goal more financially achievable in the short term, and I really think that in itself would help you a lot—but I guess I would caution you not to consider that an end to things, either? There are reasons that your living situation with Joe might fall apart aside from the relationship not working out, and I don't know that it would be good for you to have to go back home afterwards if it did. Just... keep the long-term future in mind, I guess. If you don't feel beholden to your family for financial support, you won't feel so beholden to their belief system, either.
With alllll that being said, just from reading your message, I think you still have a lot of religious trauma to work through (which is totally understandable!). I can't quite get a feel for your current state of belief (nor, I'm realizing now, do you specify the religion itself? For some reason, I've been imagining an evangelical situation, though I guess there are plenty of other possibilities). Maybe *you* don't even know your current state of belief.
I know that the advice to get therapy gets thrown around a lot as if it's not often a difficult or expensive thing to obtain, but if you do have the means, I think the right therapist could really help you work through some of your beliefs and shame. If not, I would seek out a community—if not one to participate in, then at least one to observe. Maybe there's a podcast you could listen to, or a subreddit you could lurk in—something to help you realize not only that you aren't alone in your situation, but that there are others who have made it through to thrive on the other end. If some of these feel too intense—if, for example, you don't want to abandon your beliefs entirely—then only take what you need and don't feel pressured into anything you're not ready for. As somebody taking the first, hesitant steps out of Mormonism, I wasn't ready to deal with accusations of ill-intent or subterfuge against church leaders, or sacred things made light of, or speculations that Joseph Smith's visions stemmed from mushrooms, or really any of the bitterness typical of exmos in their angry phase. I just needed to see how the church and its teachings were causing people harm on a systemic level and take my own steps from there.
As for moving in with Joe against your family's wishes, know that it will be hard, but you are not the first, and not alone 💖 When my sister first moved in with her boyfriend, my parents really struggled with how to handle it, but eventually decided not to bring it up, hoping, I think, to be the soft place to land if things went south. Her boyfriend's parents took it much worse, judging them verbally and constantly until her boyfriend, with boundary setting skills that I envy, finally told his parents that they couldn't continue on like that AND keep him in their lives. Things were really rocky there for a few years, but even they've reached a state of equilibrium since then.
Parents' reactions to their children's decisions are as varied as the parents themselves, but a few things I can say: even if they come from a place of love, your mom's words to you right now are not helpful or loving. Her truth is not your truth, nor must her values be your values. While I don't subscribe to the idea that we don't owe anyone anything in this life, what you owe your mom does NOT extend to your life lived in a way that she would approve of. Rather, as a parent, it's her responsibility to realize that children grow up to be their own people and love you anyway. You have nothing to be ashamed of—and though it doesn't always feel that way, your 20s are still young. As hard as it is right now to take the leap, years from now, you'll be so glad that you did 💖
Again, this is all based on my own perspective from a limited view of things, but I hope there's something helpful to take from all this 😅 Wishing you all the love and luck!
#uhhhh how to tag this#long post#religious trauma#i kind of tried to proofread this after writing it but it was very long 😅#sorry about that
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So, I actually listened to this song a while ago (thanks Youtube algorithm!) and meant to say something about it, but I legitimately forgot. But now I've remembered, mwaha! This song is called Be My Guest, and for the life of me I can't find out who the song artist is! (I think they might just not have a name?) So I'm linking this song at the end so y'all can find it and listen to it.
(EDIT: I think their name is Azari, whoops. I'm still linking the song tho.)
Also, I would like to add a disclaimer before I even start talking about this song, lol. I do not know any actual names to describe any of the instruments, so if it starts sounding like I'm talking about nonsense, that's why.
So. This song is so good but in a sneaky way! It doesn't come out with any loud instrumentals or emotional singing. It's quiet and soft and sneaky and I LOVE it so much! I love this song's vibe and everything! The music is really simple but eases into the background, and the vocals at first just follow the beat, which sets up a really sly, really calm sort of song that still is easy to jam to. Like you could close your eyes and just relax to this song. You'd end up dancing a little, of course, because the beats are just too immaculate and well-placed to avoid not snapping to them, but it fills the silence in a way that's fulfilling but quiet. There's something definitely there, but it doesn’t demand your full attention. You can do something else while letting this play in the background and take up the back of your thoughts. (Which was why I was going to play this while working when I'd remembered I hadn't wrritten about this song yet.)
Then it adds a lil jazziness to it with some more off-beat beats (that sound kinda like a maraca, actually)! And I love these beats! They're so good that I can almost taste them in my mouth and savor how good they are, mm! The jam levels surpass pure vibing and get me to tap my foot, it's so nice! Now the song's taken up a lil more conscious thought, just enough to realize hey, this is frickin good, but you're still just enjoying the musical silence that it has.
But it doesn’t stay that way! This song has the AUDACITY to pause, take away the new syncopated beats, and leave the end up of beat undefined and (lyrically) silent! And I UTTERLY. LOVE IT. When you're not expecting it, it's like you've been vibing ever harder as the song goes on and you expected to vibe more from the build, but then the music drops out from under you and gives a slower, more careful answer. Like someone is sneaking behind you (which fits with the lyrics)! And the suddenness plus how good the slow down is gives me shivers. I love this part! It blends into the background less, but it's so good and satisfying to vibe to! And there are random real-life sounds in there (like a car horn) that don't sound random or jarring at all! Everything sounds so smooth and well-produced and satisfying!
And then after that, the song goes back to vibing with a few more beats added and it's just... When I'm paying attention to the song, the vibing and fulfilling drop and return to vibing makes me want to cry happy tears, and when I'm not paying attention, it makes me want to wave my hands and tap the beat into anything I can find. Like it's so good that I have to let the music out somehow.
And the end! The end of the song is so slow and sly and MM so good! And the art is so beautiful, I had to say something about it! And the way this song blends the roboticness of the vocaloid's lyrics, the music, and the real-life sounds is just wonderful! This whole song just feels well-produced in a way that even someone with no experience producing music can tell! Like the song artist knows just when to push and pull back to make an awesome song!
This song is so good for working because it's so varied and interesting yet quiet and unobtrusive about it! And honestly, I love it so much that it immediately got put onto my Vocaloid playlist! I recommend it to literally anyone!!
Here's the link to the song:
youtube
#hi hi again!#I'd love to go on and on about what songs I've been listening to recently#but I've mostly been listening to Scapegoat by Ghost and Pals and I feel like no one's surprised by that lol#so how's y'all's days going?#and what have y'all been listening to?#PFF leave it in the comments below and don't forget to like and subscribe!!! (/joking on that last part)#also I am hoping#HOPING#to maybe be a bit more consistent on reviews?#like maybe do them once a week or something?#I dunno don't hold me to it school's starting again soon#but it's a hope#anyways bye! <3#kitty's reviews#azari#vocaloid#Youtube#this tag popped up automatically when I linked the vid and I dunno I feel like keeping it#lol feeling generous today
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재등장, bts | scene 08: skit: so how have you been?
{resurfaced, bts}
summary: the biggest group in the world has their scandal resurface as the former female member the world thought was done become the best new artist of the year at the grammys.
face claim: yeri of red velvet
original is on archive of our own: amariss_0613, and wattpad: amariss_amaryllis, just decided to publish it on here~
this story mentions non-consensual things and includes some mentions of drugs, depression, and sasaengs.
. . .
scene 08: skit: so, how have you been?
chapter summary: "i saw what happened with taehyung yesterday." i muttered. seeing seokjin's face reflect what i feared, i regretted saying a thing about yesterday.
bold w/ italic- english
normal- korean
playing: lonely boy | txt
minisode 2: thursday's child | 2022
|y/n's pov|
"ah, it looks like your all gathered already." a familiar voice brought me and the boys all out of our trans. The voice belonged to my choreographer, which i totally forgot was also here. jimin and yoongi quickly stood up, noticing my presence, while jungkook and namjoon also made their way to where the rest of the boys were standing. although they all looked tense and were staring at me, taehyung and i were having a staring contest, but i looked away before i could feel the lump in my throat form.
i made my way next to my choreographer, dragging kwan with me since our arms were still linked, standing right across from the boys, specifically seokjin. his eyes... i couldn't tell what they were holding, was it disgust? sadness? or anger..?
"hello, it's nice to meet you. i'm y/n, i hope we work well together." i introduced myself, letting go of kwan before bowing out of respect and since we were in public.
"yes, it's nice to meet you, y/n. i'm the leader, rm, and we are bts. i hope we also work well together today." namjoon greeted smoothly, putting his hand out for a handshake, which i took. i could see that most of the boys were pulling their gaze from me to kwan.
"and you two are?" he directed to kwan and the choreographer, "i'm kwan, y/n's bodyguard. it's nice to meet you all." kwan responded, going up to all of the members and shaking their hands. "i'm y/n's choreographer, it's an honor to be working with you," he responded, also shaking each members hands.
for the first hour and a half, it was tense, awkward, and emotional. i felt like how i felt that night when everything changed. we made small interactions with each other, like where to stand and what they were going to be doing for the mini skit.
"so y/n is going to be sitting with you a few minutes before her stage starts, so just act calm and normal. when the music starts, y/n will be sitting, then bts can start taking pictures, acting like paparazzi. when the light hits her, they all stop, and then just sit, and you're finished! y/n knows what to do after." the choreographer explained as we acted it out.
"will we be given props for the paparazzi part?" yoongi asked, standing from kneeling on the floor. "oh yes, we will provide phones that are used for similar scenarios."
kwan was seated away from us, towards the side where some other staff was, but would sneak glances at me to make sure i wasn't having a panic attack or anything. i made my way toward him as soon as we finished our 3rd rehearsal, including my actual performance. "are you doing okay?" i asked, knowing that he was probably getting bored from sitting down for almost an hour and a half straight. "i'm good, but are you okay? you look pale." he wasn't wrong, i felt worn out, not physically, but mentally. "yeah, just thinking about a lot. we're gonna do one more go and then we're done." i sighed, turning back around to the ledge of the stage and taking a quick break.
|jimin's pov|
after we had got done with our third rehearsal, we took a break. y/n seemed to be spacing out, she made her way to kwan as me and the members huddled up.
"so, what do you think she's thinking about? she keeps spacing out." yoongi was the first to speak as we snook glances at her and kwan having a conversation. "she's probably freaking out and doesn't know what to do." i said, seeing y/n make her way to the ledge of the stage. "taehyung, you doing okay? you haven't said anything since before y/n came." jin asked taehyung, i moved next to him and wrapped my arm around his neck. "cheer up tae, i know it's hard but we'll be gone and getting ready for the show before you know it." i smiled, trying to ease up his emotions. it was uncomfortable for all of us, how were we going to make conversation with her if she hasn't even tried to talk to us?
"i'm gonna go and try to talk to her." jin announced, while we all looked at him like deers in front of headlights. "uh, i don't think that's a good idea, she looks like she needs space right now." hobi said, still staring at y/n. seokjin didn't even try to listen as he walked up to y/n and asked her something. She shook her head, before watching him sit down next to her. "he better not pull out his dad jokes." jungkook groaned, rolling his eyes. "i swear you better not jinx it." namjoon sighed, looking away from the two.
|y/n pov|
"mind if i join you?" a voice asked, i turned around and saw seokjin pointing next to me. "o-oh, no, go ahead," i spoke, staring at him taking his spot next to me. an awkward feeling was floating in the air before i said something. "i-" i hesitated, should i say something about yesterday? "i saw what happened with taehyung yesterday." i muttered. seeing seokjin's face reflect what i feared, i regretted saying a thing about yesterday. "oh. you saw that?" he murmured, and i nodded. "seeing you yesterday did a lot to him last night, but he's okay for now." i didn't know how to respond to that.
'oh yeah..., sorry about that! i didn't really know what else to expect!'
that would be the worst response ever.
"i'm sorry." i whispered, attempting to hold myself together in front of seokjin. "i should be sorry, we all should be sorry, it was our fault all that happened to you." "to be honest, i forgave you all that moment i stepped on the plane to america all those years ago." i smiled, running my hands through my hair. seokjin looked up at me before smiling. "the other members also wanted to talk to you." as if they had planned it, the rest of the guys appeared, walking towards the both of us.
"well, it's nice to see you smiling again!" hobi cheered, wrapping an arm around jungkook who was sulking. "i really thought you hated us!" he cried. "congrats on the nomination y/n, you deserve it." yoongi smiled, who i smiled back too, "thank you, congrats on your guys' nomination too, you all deserve it way more than i do." i said. "i and joon listened to your whole album! it was great!" jimin said and namjoon agreed, "it should have also been nominated for album of the year."
"thank you so much you guys, it means a lot to me." i thanked them, hoping that taehyung would just maybe say something to me, but what would he even say to someone like me who had destroyed him the most?
"so, that guy, kwan, is your bodyguard? he looks even bigger than jungkook and joon!" jin laughed, pointing out kwan, who was staring at us. "he looks young though, how old is he?" jimin asked, staring at him. "you'd be surprised, he's turning 23 this year."
"WHAT!?!" all but yoongi and taehyung shrieked, yet you could see their shocked faces.
"he was 21 when i joined my company." i quietly giggled, "shit, he's young, most koreans look young, so i thought he was older." jungkook assumed, "he's like a little brother to me," i admitted, noticing that some of the members let out a sigh.
"how's hwi? is he still practicing to become an idol?" yoongi questioned me about my little brother, as they were close.
"hwi's doing good, we're actually in the same company. he and his group are debuting soon." i revealed, knowing most of their reactions. "damn, he hasn't even turned 18 yet and he's already debuting soon. he's still so young!" jin complained, "companies are getting braver and braver." "that reminds me of the 95's.." hoseok laughed.
. . .
seeing all of the members chatting comfortably in front of me, didn't feel right... i felt sick, like i couldn't just accept their kindness. i need more time, more time to accept myself, not them.
. . .
they noticed my quiet state and started to quiet down themselves.
"hey, we're sorry for just coming over here and talking freely, we can leave if you want us to-" joon sympathized, but i spoke before my brain could even process what i was going to say.
"no! no... it's not any of you at all. it's me, i don't know if i can just accept your kindness. i need time to heal and understand that it might not have been my fault-"
as if he could hear my thoughts, taehyung spoke for the first time since before i arrived,
"if... if that's what you want, it's okay. as much as you think you ruined our lives, we did much worse to you and your health. you can take as long as you want."
. . .
'could i just fall in love with him all over again?'
. . .
"t-thank you, thank you so much..."
. . .
this is probably my favorite chapter I've ever written for this book, but I feel like I'll love future chapters even more! glad y/n doesn't hold anything against the members and decided that she needs time to understand and accept herself still.
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Hi! I'm sorry you're still not feeling well. It seems like it really sucks I hope you were still able to have a good and fun weekend with your friend though! I hope the new medication helped as well but from your latest update, it seems like it didn't. Aww I really hope you feel better before your birthday and the holidays coming up. I've never had black forest cake I don't think..or is that the one with cherry filling in the middle? If it is, then I have and I think it's yummy too. I do love Oreo cake, vanilla, and just plain chocolate or double chocolate. But I have a lot of favorite desserts too..but it's mostly brownies and cookies. I like chocolate chip and double chocolate and ice cream but I don't love it when it's cold. I've never had tiramisu I don't think though.
I want need to be released too but mostly just cuz all of the girls was already released so I hope it is and it is like False God. I think cuz it sounds so different from any Taylor song to me. When I first heard it, I think it sounded more like a Selena Gomez song..maybe in the verses more than Taylor..but I do love how Taylor shows her vocals in the song and I do know other people love it a lot. The only thing about that is then it would be technically the last rerecording to be released and idk if it should end with that but I do see how it kinda works. Unless she puts out an eras rerecording doc or something as a thank you for the tour, then it would be the next best thing. I do still like to play it around Christmas sometimes. She also has a show on her birthday next year so that's exciting enough too.
Haha wow. I actually listen to something new like everyday so I could never get burnt out on new music haha. Basically my sister has a long drive everyday so we pick a new album to listen to everyday and kinda have a theme for each week based on genres. That's how I discover so much new music and we add a few songs to a big hours long playlist all year and play it near the end of the year haha and then we will pick our favorites. Obviously if it's an artist I really like, I play their albums for at least a week. I also play a lot of recommended radio so that's how I find new artists too. So what's your top artists and songs for Spotify wrapped since it came out? I think there's an equivalent with apple music if you use that. But I'm so excited to know and I will add anything you recommend to my list. I wasn't really surprised..obviously Taylor was my top artist lol but I feel like it also matters how long an album is and for top songs it's how much a certain song will play on your recommended radio and if you let it play. Oh I forgot about those but will listen eventually of course..along with the fruitcake EP soon.
As for books, I'll have to work on my list and I can tell you what I'll be reading more specifically later. Sorry it's just not something I'm focused on right now but I did find a few more books to add to my list recently so idk and I'm always looking for new recommendations too so I'll look at your post whenever its updated. Oh that's so cool and exciting. I've recently getting more educated on the publishing world which sounds exhausting so that's actually pretty cool. I honestly haven't read Hunger Games in a long time but that sounds like a pretty good plan if you get to it.
Oh I like her music but I'm not sure she would fit as Eurydice..cuz her voice is too soft almost? Thanks for the link! I will go thru it later and give my full opinion. Oh I mentioned a doc about the rerecordings earlier but would absolutely love this too! Beyonce had a little bit of this in her movie which I thought was really cool and made it different than eras. She would talk for a few minutes about something that would kinda lead into the next song so the transitions were pretty smooth and didn't distract from the show. Also it's always very cool to see her talking and share stuff from her personal life which we don't get to see as much. I'm pretty sure she didn't cut anything either which was impressive! I couldn't help comparing it to Eras but more so in a fun way cuz I love both of them and you can really see how much artistry and care they put in the work and that's a really cool thing to see. Taylor also supported Beyonce at her premiere just like how Beyonce did for her and I loved her dress so much..it was really on theme haha. I also paid attention to the sets and it's something I have to pay more attention to in the eras movie again. Another cool thing Beyonce's movie did was show all the different outfits she would wear for a certain song and I kinda wish eras movie did that now lol. Also Beyonce showed all her special guest performances in her movie too. It was kinda cool cuz it was almost set up in eras too but in a different way I guess cuz it wasn't by era..but she did start from the beginning of her career and mixed in a few songs. Also her opening songs started out slower in the show but I think that's pretty typical of Beyonce..like she gets more energetic as the show goes on. She also did not sing a song from every album..there was nothing from Lemonade but that's also a personal album for her or maybe didn't fit this show. But she sang every song from Renaissance and somehow made them work in the order of the album...and she even included the performance of songs she only sang at a few shows. I think seeing it was fun too cuz I didn't know the full show as well as eras even if I saw a few clips online and having it professionally recorded helps a lot too. Even if you don't love her music, it's definitely worth a watch at some point.
I do think it was cool of her to sing it for the end of the year and cuz there's a bit of a break on tour and I agree with how it makes her feel. I just think the chorus could be better cuz she repeats the same lyrics or used thing more than once and I don't love the melody but some people love it. Its just there to me and some songs are just like that I guess. I feel similarly about Illicit Affairs but I like it on tour and maybe even Off the top of my head, the first two opening nights had the best songs! Mirrorball and Tim McGraw and State of Grace and This is me trying but i would probably pick night two. Another one would be the eras movie pick or I Can See You and I think Maroon? Also Getaway Car and Maroon! I got pretty lucky with Right where you Left Me and Castles Crumbling too!!! I liked yours too! What about you?
Aside from seeing the Renaissance movie, I also got a haircut after a long time which was nice. I will probably also be busy for the next few weeks just letting you know. The end of the year is always stressful to me so I'm sorry if I don't reply as much. I hope your weekend with your friend was still fun! Happy Monday and I hope you have a great week!!! 🩷
hi friend!! it was one of the best weekends ever, i think — just something that i very much needed + very good for my soul, but i am very tired and just quite sad now! long distance friendships are so so hard :( i've mostly been feeling a bit better aside from my voice which just does not want to return to me for some reason!! but that's okay — the good news, is that it gives me an excuse to not be super super social at the work party on wednesday (which i'm lowkey dreading haha).
and yes! black forest cake is the one with cherry in the middle — i don't really like cherry, but i do loveeee black forest cake for some reason! i am not a huge fan of super sweet sweets (and often, brownies are too sweet for my taste) but one of my friends has been talking to me about brownies all week and now i really really want one. i think i'm going to try to get one on wednesday when i go to my work party as a pre-party treat, actually! tiramisu is delicious — if you like coffee (i don't know if you do, actually — i don't think we've talked about coffee! do you like coffee? what's your coffee order?) which i do!
i would love love love more BTS for eras and the rerecordings! i just think all of that is so interesting, i want to know about the costumes + the thought behind the dive, the choreography, why the piano is painted with those flowers, why debut was cut from the setlist :(, whose idea it was for those very specific visuals, etc. i just want to know everything!
there is an apple music equivalent — it's called apple replay! my top 5 artists were: the 1975, taylor, holly humberstone, maisie, and sabrina carpenter — but replay also gives you your top 15, so here are the rest of them: inhaler, gracie abrams, the japanese house, noah kahan, beabadoobee, del water gap, olivia rodrigo, lizzy mcalpine, haim and charli xcx! and my most listened to songs are: oh caroline, happiness, if you're too shy (let me know), lost the breakup, body better, me & you together song, you're just a boy (and i'm kinda the man), the good witch, about you, i'm in love with you, pressure, menswear, scarlett, heart out and the sound! which is so funny because i don't even remember listening to a good half of these that much (probably in the first half of the year). my most listened to albums were: the good witch, emails i can't send fwd, notes on a conditional form, the good witch (deluxe), speak now (taylor's version), paint my bedroom black, reputation, barbie the album, the 1975 (deluxe), guts, cuts & bruises, i like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it, good riddance, in the end it always does and midnights (3 am edition)!
and you don't need to apologize — just know i'm excited for your favorites when you have them! i will try to figure out my list as well! and ahhh, the renaissance film sounds so so good! i'm excited to watch it when i get a chance to 🤍
and yeah, i have a really hard time picturing her as eurydice! but i think she'd be a great girl in once, if she ever did that!
tied together with a smile was my favoriteeeee. it just means so much to me as a song, and i'm so so glad i got to hear it! honestly i really lucked out with my songs — and i think everyone that i went with was really happy (my friend bailey loves ttwas too, my friend mansi got a reputation song night 1 — this is why we can't have nice things, etc.)! just very special! very lovely evening. i'd loveeee to hear mirrorball, or anything debut though. i'm really just manifesting something from debut for my mom :")
and no worries about replying either!! 🤍 take your time, i know you're busy + things are goin on! happy monday + hope you have a good rest of the year friend!!
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If These Walls Could Talk
Freaking GORGEOUS cover art by Junki Sakuraba on Instagram and Deviantart!! Definitely go check him out!! His art is incredible, and from what I can tell he’s really nice dude. He absolutely went above and beyond with this prompt. 10/10 would commission again. (And probably will once I save up enough money XD)
The wonderful art later in the chaper is by niuan_ on instagram!!
It wasn’t made/commissioned for this fic--(though I’ve since commissioned her to make cover art for me, so stay tuned for those!)--but when I saw it I couldn’t believe it!! That’s one of my favorite images in this chapter, and I couldn’t believe another artist made a piece for the same idea independently!!
I'll put the links to their profiles either in the replies or a reblog (since tumblr is dumb about links)!!
Also, FYI, I'll be using this post as my "reblog post" meaning I'll reblog this post with the later chapters of this fic, so they're all in one place. So if you want to read more of this fic, check the reblogs on this post, chances are more chapters will be there!!
Comments and reblogs are MORE than appreciated!! If you have a spare minute you will really make my week, and motivate me to keep writing!!
Fandom: Castlevania Netflix
Summary: Vampires do not have reflections, and castles do not have hearts. But Dracula is no ordinary vampire, and Castlevania is no ordinary castle. If castles can fight, maybe they can think too.
The series, and Adrian’s childhood, told from the perspective of the castle.
Chapter Summary:
“My mother’s name was Lisa, and she was mortal…She actually showed up at his front door. She found the castle and banged the door with the pommel of her knife…She was remarkable. She beat on the door until my father let her in, and then demanded he teach her how to be a doctor.”
Chapter 1: "Lisa”
“Is this how the castle felt to you before my mother first arrived at your door?”
The castle doesn’t like children.
Well, maybe that’s too strong to say. It simply isn’t the place for them. Its existence is a signpost: leave me alone. It is not used to having company—much less a family—inside it, nor is it ready to welcome for a crying, puking, giggling thing into the world. It does not intend to be a cozy place to coddle him into adulthood.
The castle itself pierces the sky, its turrets and towers the dripping stain of the sun’s blood across the moon.
The bare walls hold no colorful tapestries for a child to enjoy, no paintings of its many inhabitants to tell of—for there was only ever one (and maybe that ought not change. It is safe to say the castle doesn’t like change). The royal red and gold carpets are more suited to kings; not designed for spit-up, mud, and scuffing. ‘Don’t play with that’ would be a motto around here; so many contraptions either easy to break, or which could break the child. The fireplaces, while almost always lit, only ever coughed warmth onto the floor before them—they provided no snug space to curl up on a winter’s day. Even the mirrors here are empty, holding nothing but a reflection of the bare walls they sit upon.
There are certain people who were seemingly born as they are; they never owned toys, never crawled on the floor, never walked with clumsy steps—their footfalls were always this calculated count—never burped on their mother’s nice shirts, and surely never had anything so dull as a childhood. They were always just…here, on the world. There was no innocence, and no losing it. So it was with Dracula.
The very thought of Dracula ever owning toys, even in some nice cottage far away from here, with a doting mother and an absent father, with a funny last name like Cronqvist, defied sense to the castle. So no, no toys here, nor any simple charts for learning; the books divulged their secrets to more mature minds. Just blood and books, gold and gears, forgotten magic means, mirrors that reflect nothing, and a pile of prayers to a good God they used to justify their ungood, and ungodly deeds.
All these things—or their absence—do not make for the picture of a baby-proof home.
The castle has grown accustomed to being cold and dark, and listening to one master alone. It’s not a quaint place lovers look on and think we’ll raise our kids here someday.
Its master isn’t the ideal father either—after all, the castle only reflected its king. Its master knows only of blood and nails, fangs and wails, words too big for a child’s mouth, and worlds too dark for a child’s heart.
Can he be soft? Can he be gentle? Can he keep those claws, which have ripped out better men’s hearts, from piercing a child’s—his child’s…how could one who killed so many have a child?—skin? He knows many spells, but is there one that can turn those screams into laughter?
He has been soft before. Once. And that is with this woman.
Many women have walked the castle’s halls: shivering, shrieking damsels at his feet; cold and calculating queens; fragile bodies on the floor, that he broke with the same regard a child does a vase that matters to someone else.
Those ordinary people who do come often have pitchforks in their mouths, and fiery words in their closed fists. Curses stacked on the end of stakes, banging like the castle is the church bell signifying their own funerals.
It is for this reason that the castle does not like outsiders, does not open its doors easily. But it cannot deny anyone entry. Unlike the humans’ doors, which find his master guilty until proven innocent.
They always came at night. At night, when the loudest sound is your own breathing. At night, when their fires echoed loudest, and their shouts burned brightest.
They came when the flowers were closed, when only the most eerie and vicious of animals played with the skins of their prey, and the moon waxed the world in cold, drunk shine. The sun could not watch them, could not show their blood-struck hands in their full glory.
She came at sunset. When the sun still glazed her deeds in sanguine auburn, but was just deciding to turn its gaze and let the kids have their fun. Not quite day, when the sun would kill things like Dracula, but not quite night, when the hours are named after witches, and lust is strongest—be it for the body, or the blood within it. Somewhere in between death and life, violence and peace.
This woman came with a knife in her hand, yes. But a knife, at least, was not a sword. It was not a pitchfork, a spear, a whip, or a stake; all weapons that signify, if the fight wasn’t there, you were bringing it with you. Not a war-starved weapon, pointing with mal-in—and -con—tent towards the castle doors and all the things inside it. Not a thirsty thing. Something that by default faced the other direction. Something that can start a fight if it wants to, but doesn’t crave it.
The golden woman came at sunset, with a knife in her hand, and looked upon this thing, this castle that others called ‘ugly’, and ‘monstrous,’ and ‘grotesque,’ looked upon it with awe, and gasped in wonder.
She knocked. She didn’t bang her fists upon the stone, didn’t ram pitchforks and assorted insults against the innocent doors, like how-dare-they protect their master.
She knocked, and the doors opened before she could raise her fist a second time. Maybe, just this once, not because they didn’t have any other choice.
The doors—foreboding, menacing, and all the other spooky -ings one can think of—opened to a world strewn in light; the demon’s castle looked brighter, more beautiful, more alive, than half the churches she’d been to.
Her footsteps were gentle against the castle’s floors. Not a slow, forced gentleness, but also not a piercing, purposeful march. There was no apprehension to her footsteps; her feet carried her as if anxious to take her to as many rooms as they could.
At first her steps were the only sound, enough to fool some into thinking they’re alone.
And it became clear both that she was not alone, and not a fool.
But when she saw the demon, she put the knife away, and used her words.
She used her words to repeat those she herself had heard: stories. But not the kind that make monstrous men run at the doors with naughts and crosses, the kind pious people buried along with all evidence that the world wasn’t made of black and white.
Not all the stories told that this place was cold and dark and full of death.
Amongst all the stories about death, there were others that said Vlad Tepes brought this castle to life with science, forbidden knowledge, and a little bit of lightning. Stories that say there is life here.
And, in exchange for proof that these life-stories true, Dracula asked for a trade, a trade that would prove the other stories true too. He gave up the killing a while ago—(the castle has been in one place a very long time)—but he was still not used to giving for free, and definitely not used to getting for free. Vampires trade in blood and names, not diamonds and declarations. Vampires trade in things they can swallow. This castle, too, had been a gaping hole set to swallow the world and everything that entered. Never once had it given.
And she dared to say, that this place, its master, should learn to give, when the humans have done nothing but take from them—or try their best to. He ought to be the one to invite her in, to ask what she would like, to dispense pleasant words and kind actions, when the humans forgot they invented hospitality, and showed no invitation for him to even enter their homes.
But she didn’t come with a mouth full of garlic, and hands full of superstition. Her feet did not drill holes in the floor with their sharp toll, they wandered the scenic route.
She was used to being cheated. Dracula and his castle were too. But that was not why she was there. She was not there for cheap tricks, or death. She wanted something real. A little bit of the life the castle has to offer.
Her defiance wasn’t that of a terrified citizen, or angry queen, either; rather the calm resolve of someone who is asking for something they know in their heart is good, and knows they will get it. The kind of person who believes there is good in everyone, and that this good will ultimately always win, and who won’t leave until they convince this good to show its face.
The castle has watched countless men and women cower at the foot of count Dracula. Some, do have a measure of god-sanctioned defiance; they come with whips and scourges to defeat him. The castle and the king are bound together in their resolve against them.
Except one. Except this woman. One human whom both master and castle found themselves reluctant to deny, cast away, or kill, maybe even…taken with.
She may be human, but she was not like the rest; she did not light the night on fire with her thirst for blood.
So maybe, just maybe, they could let one ray of sunlight slip through the cracks.
She was also not devoid of life, and maybe that was the key.
‘Devoid of life’ was an accurate portrayal of the castle. Bats flying out of blackness is a good description of a cave, and caves don’t usually come with the brochure ‘teeming with life’, or ‘great place to take your kids!’. The castle had a soul-sucking quality to it; those who entered often found themselves leaving less alive than they arrived. It took after its vampire master. Those who didn’t actually lose their lives within its walls, often remarked upon leaving that the flowers bloomed brighter, the birds sang louder, the grass was greener, and that they missed the sunlight.
Sunlight. Such a base thing; vampires don’t need the light or warmth to be happy.
Sunlight. Such a base way to die; wanting to get out of the cold and the dark.
“Is this how the castle felt to you before my mother first arrived at your door?”
Castlevania was alive once. Once Dracula set the pumps, and its heart began to beat. He turned the gears, and its lungs inhaled. He forged the lightning, and it began to think. Once the books, full of unknown knowledge, jumped off the shelves to get the vampire king’s attention. He filled the bottles and beakers, and they bubbled, as if laughing at a joke only they shared.
They were both alive, once.
That waned, with time. The gears got arthritis, the books caught pneumonia, the experiments atrophied. The castle ached before she came.
And Dracula, alone in the halls, picking up books and putting them down again without so much as a polite glance through them, because he read them all before. Dracula looking into fractured mirrors that could take him anywhere, but deciding there wasn’t anywhere he wanted to go. Dracula, looking into old mirrors that don’t reflect him—like there was never anything to reflect, nothing alive here to begin with, and there isn’t a master for this castle after all. Nothing but a grave. Dracula sitting alone in his study, staring into the fire. No one to talk to. No sound but flipping pages and crackling fires—nothing alive. Alive but dead. This castle. Its master. Undead is the proper term.
The other women who came through here reflected the castle, or else the castle took the life out of them the moment they entered. Queens with malice-stained past, and cracked, icy future in their eyes. Just as cold as the walls. Subjects, humans throwing gruesome insults, silky flattery, or fluttering pleas at his feet. Just as empty as the mirrors.
Only one refused the castle’s bite. Only one walked in looking for life, rather than death. Looking for a thing no one thought existed here. Already presumed dead. Put six feet beneath the ground. But maybe it was here all along; maybe the light hid in the castle’s corners while the dark came out to play, and she just had to coax it out of its hiding places. Maybe the bell was ringing all this time, she was the only one who came close enough to hear it; the only one who came to put flowers on the grave.
Maybe when she felt the machinery pumping she knew the rhythm was a heartbeat. Maybe when she heard the gears clanking she knew it was the sound of inhaling and exhaling. Maybe when she saw the lightning, she wondered what it was thinking. Maybe she looked at these books, these instruments, and saw what the vampire king saw once; something alive. They weren’t dead yet—un- or otherwise. Just sick, and in need of proper treatment. She was a doctor after all. Maybe her first subject was the very books she learned from.
Lisa, who looked at this blotch on the sky, with Death in its towers, and darkness splattered on its walls, and thought that’s where I’ll learn to heal people. Lisa, who gaped in amazement at the beast of a building. Lisa, who didn’t shudder upon entering. Lisa, who didn’t scream when its master touched her, but turned to him with calm resolve, and told him she’d teach him to be more human. Lisa, who’s life eclipsed the undeath in this place.
And there was a trade that occurred that day. For Dracula’s immortal knowledge, Lisa would teach him how to live a mortal life. To travel the world as a man, to walks as a man, to eat and drink, laugh and cry, as a man. Immortality for mortality. They gave each other the world, as so many lovers promise to do. Vlad would make her immortal, and Lisa would make him mortal, with no exchange blood.
(Except to create a thing with both their blood running through it.)
So maybe, after all this talk of life, it is fitting that she wants to create life inside this castle.
Fitting, maybe. Fitting for her. But the castle is not mortal yet, and wishes it could protest that it isn’t the right size, refuse to try on the idea.
Dracula is apprehensive as well, for the castle and he are used to each other, they take after each other, because the cold, and the dark, and the death, and the alone does something to you after a while; you start talking to the walls. After the cold queens and quaking colleens leave, or leave their bloodstains the floor. After the beasts and their silver-stained bullets turn back into righteous men in the sun. After he simply outlives everyone else. When all the living things hate, fear, or else betray you, when all the living things can die, and you, who are undead, cannot, it’s the lifeless things that stand firm by your side. When the day ends and the shadows come out to play, when you’re the only one left, in the end you still have the walls. And then…the walls are all you have. And if you talk to them long enough you make a sort of pact, spoken or silent, with those speechless stones: ‘you’re the only one I can trust.’
Dracula speaks to them one day, says he wonders if he can do this, be a father at all, not to mention a good one. The castle cannot reply. But something deep inside the walls wonders if it might be nice to hear Dracula laugh. It might be nice to put on some different clothes. It might be nice for someone new to listen to from time to time. It might be nice to live again.
The castle is concerned. Used to doing things one way, being one way, and only hearing one voice.
But that doesn’t mean it is unwilling, that it intends to kill the child.
It never kills anything—Dracula does that. It cannot do anything on its own, and that includes change.
The castle doesn’t like change.
…But that doesn’t mean it won’t.
And if its going to change, its master must change first. They must change together.
Vampires do not have reflections. But Dracula has a castle, and that castle will be damned if it isn’t his mirror.
Reflections are simple to change; put on some makeup, some war paint, a new change of clothes, get a piercing somewhere. Simple, yes, but not easy, to change completely, because that doesn’t mean anything’s changed inside.
The castle did not come equipped for child-rearing; there are no rooms full of toys and cradles and school supplies.
So if this is to be, they must build their son’s world themselves.
Together they set aside a room for the child’s arrival. Just one, single room. And the castle too knows, from the start, this room will be different from all the rest. They will put paintings on the walls, and banners in the halls; things to interest him, to tell him of his parents, at least, even if there are few other relatives to spend Christmas with. The carpets will be darker, instead of the stringent red, and they will make their words smaller, the books easier to understand. The rest of the castle is warm in color, but cool in atmosphere. This room will be cool in color, but warm in atmosphere. The fire will always be set in its place, and they will try their best to make sure the warmth reaches him; if the fire fails, they will knit blankets; if the blankets fail they will make him tea, or warm milk with honey; and when everything else fails they will hold him. If there are tears here, scornful stares will not greet them, instead, kisses and lullabies will be behind door number three. If this room lives, it will be because of something much softer than pounding metal and lighting.
If a child is to live here, they must change that reflection. Everything Dracula’s castle appears to be, this room will be the reverse. Separate. Something… other than the castle.
This room will bottle all the laughter had in this castle. This room will be made of and for living, not the death the rest of the place is steeped in. So much so that this room will not stand for bloodshed.
Lisa brings in supplies from her town; color and cloth, boards and brushes, needle, and thread, and paper; all the things one needs to build a universe.
It is Dracula who takes the paint, who changes the color to something other than the blacks and reds of the rest of the Vampire’s world, cementing on the walls themselves You will not be dark here, my castle. You will be kind to him, Castlevania. The castle doesn’t know its master to work with his hands like a human, but Vlad is not the same within this room either—this room is part of the trade. He doesn’t use magic, or science, as if he is telling himself with every hammer that they are going to change together, the way one does when talking to the mirror.
Lisa sits in a chair and stiches together cloth and fur to make little creatures, toys for the boy to play with. Soft things, not sharp. They are reflections too, littler, simpler ones, of the creatures howling and prowling outside the castle’s walls, or scurrying within them.
But it is the ceiling that is the crowning jewel of the room. Something they paint together—splashing it onto each other’s clothes and noses.
His parents love the stars. They often walk outside the castle walls, fingers knit into each other’s, to gaze at them. They are scholars at soul, and have charted the constellations. They want their child to be able to do the same, to watch the stars, even if he’s not outside. At the end of every day they want him to be sung to sleep by the symphony of the night.
For them, maybe, but to the castle, one of the most interesting things about this room, is the mirror. This is strange, as, while there are other mirrors in this house, they are nothing more than a silver decoration; they have no purpose here, unless they float in shards and possibility. This is an ordinary mirror. It does hold something now, however, and that’s Lisa—only giving more credence to the idea that she is the only living thing in this castle. The castle wonders if they think it will reflect the child, as if they are hoping he will take after his mother and the room.
The mirror, and the windows. In the rest of the castle, the windows are always closed, curtained, or too small to let any real light in. But here they are big, and inviting to all the wiles of the day. Dracula protested—fearing he would burn. Lisa insisted—hoping he would shine.
The mirror, the room, are empty now. The windows closed. The books and charts dormant as the rest. It is not dead, but it’s not alive either. Not even undead. Just a question. An almost.
The room lays on Frankenstein’s table; just one lightning strike—(or one child’s laugh)—away from breathing.
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Can you do a headcannon with the undateables now dateables please?? 😁 with an mc that wears a ton of make up and one day she doesn't cuz she forgot and they are like astounded by mcs looks and compliment them and tell them they don't need to wear so much cuz they are beautiful! Thank you!!!
I'm sure you didn't mean it for it to be like this, but this ask has a "I got stuff that's internalised" vibes and so I'm going to make this a teaching moment.
To Everyone who follows, wearing makeup or not is up to you - how much you wear is your bussiness. Besides, what is considered 'alot' could be a natural look depending on how many products you use.
I personally don't use foundation or concealer, my face is spotless and smooth and I incorporate my eyebags into my eye looks. But there's still the amount of eyeshadow I use as contour, actual eyeshadow, eyeliner guide and even to add more vibrance or odd colours to my lips. I also use eyeliner. Which doesn't seem like alot but its full face look.
Your makeup is your business and you shouldn't shame those who do wear it or those who don't nor should you rely on a man or woman to tell you when you look good. Your always look good, period. The trope of girls who stops wearing loads of makeup turns out to be naturally pretty just links to a mindset that people who do wear makeup only wear it because their ugly or trying to hide their true appearance.
Which is stupid because unless you're going out your way to do face morph looks, makeup is used to enhance features you already have. It just helps to bring attention to how pretty your features are.
"they don't need to wear so much because they're beautiful!" You don't stop being beautiful when you put makeup on. Again how much you wear and what you do with your appearance is your bussiness.
But I think that's enough of me going on, let's actually get into this.
Diavolo:
"ah, what a surprise, you're not wearing your makeup today, did something happen?"
He looked at your curiously
You dissmivley waved your hand, smiling
"Oh-! Yeah- I forgot to do it this morning and didn't want to run late for class, that's all."
"you look stunning might I add without it, it's a refreshing change - that sounded rude...I didn't mean for it come out like that."
He immediately looked guilty
Hand over his mouth realizing his words, he his lips pursed
It looked like he was internally beating himself up about it
You decided to be nice, patting his shoulder, seeing he didn't mean for it come out like that
"You're right, I am stunning but yeah, I get what you mean, it's new and I look good without it but I also good in it! It makes me feel good and lets me show off my favourite features."
You used your hands to shape and point out said features
Diavolo intently watched your hands but still had a guilty and apologetic expression
"I see, forgive my rudeness I never intended to imply anything, I'm glad you have something that makes you feel confident and happy."
"it's okay, Dia, perhaps I can do a look on you aswell? Show you the appeal."
Diavolo could be a child at heart and he almost squealed
He has been interested by your makeup ever since you've arrived
But instead of letting himself show his full excitement he nodded, grinning
He was aware of his butler's eyes on him aswell as Lucifer's
"I'd be delighted to."
Barbatos:
"I had a feeling I'd see a surprise today, it appears it was you, is there a reason you've decided to not do your usual look?"
"it sounds silly but just forgot, I was so tired this morning I'm pretty sure I dreamed doing my routine and couldn't tell the difference."
You laughed at yourself, gently scratching your cheek
You were embarassed by how easily tricked you were by your tired mind but you couldn't really blame yourself
You haven't been sleeping much so after finally getting the best sleep in your life you were bound to get groggy
He smiled, tilting his head to the side
His eyes looked as if he was scolding you
"thats abit alarming, get your needed sleep though the change isn't uninvited, you're very pretty."
You could tell he meant no harm by his words
But you've dealt with situations similar to this where the person was being very passive aggressive
It made you feel bitter and have a need to explain yourself
"I'll be sure to sleep, thanks but this isn't going to be a permanent thing, I'm very much happy with my usual look! Makes me feel more pretty~ I don't think there's such a thing as being too pretty."
You both chuckled at your end statement
"Fair, I do not control what you do but I advise you stop spending so much with asmodeus, you're starting to sound like him - I have actually done makeup myself, perhaps you'd like to see some examples? I'm intrigued if you have any feedback or tips I could use."
"asmo is just truthful! But on a serious note, I'd actually love to see that and feel honoured you'd want my feedback! You better not back out on this."
Solomon:
"I almost didn't recognize you, what a stray from your usual look, it's very off brand - I'm afraid viewers might be displeased."
You couldn't help but smile
He was using an inside joke you two made
After refering to one of the years as a season you two started making a few jokes about it
But it became a habit and now you two just had a thing were you pretended you were self aware TV characters
"Oh no! We can't have the ratings go down! Haha- I don't look that different, don't be ridiculous, I think it's just your eyes old man."
You poked the side of his face, near his eye
He frowned, he let you have passes on calling him old due to favouritism
But still got grumpy when you joked and brought him his age
You did only say it to tease and if he got genuinely upset or mad about it you'd immediately stop
"I'm not old, just wise - just for that your fanbase has shrunk but sadly, your good looks will bring them back."
You had a light blush on your cheeks, waving your hand
Acting as if you've swooned for him you leaned against his shoulder
"you're so kind yet so mean~ but I'm sure they'll prefer my normal form than this one, I kinda feel naked without my makeup - it's almost shameful."
"don't say that so loud, who knows who'll turn up naked, I'd rather not experience that today."
You bursted out laughing
Meanwhile he looked like he was experiencing Flashback'
Simeon:
"I like the new look, it's very natural! but is that makeup or your actual-"
"My face is bare, I forgot to put it on, not really bothered today."
His slender finger was pointed to your face, squinting to see if he could see
You almost wanted to laugh but you just lazily shrugged your shoulders
"oh! You're still look just as beautiful, I can't believe I couldn't tell, ever since I saw your more extra looks I've been looking into makeup and I saw people could make it look like they weren't wearing any."
"Thanks but don't worry, I'm not Insecure without it or anything, just really enjoy it! - oh? You're looking into it? Is there any looks you like specially, some people are really amazing at looking extremely natural or being really artistic - it's amazing."
He nodded
"pardon me then, I didn't mean to imply anything I just saw how much bad press was around it all and wanted to say incase but yes, I'm extremely intrigued by high light! It's so sparkly!"
He looked apologetic before his expression turned into one of awe and inspiration
You smiled, happy to see he was interested in something you were already passionate about
It was good to see him wanting to learn and gain interest
"You're sweet Simeon but this human is very happy! I see~ let me do your makeup later or a day you're free, I can give you my extra shimmery high light to really make those cheekbones of yours pop!"
His eyes were sparkling so brightly
Grinning from ear to ear with excitement
"I'd love to! Please, I want you to show me all your amazing ideas."
Luke:
"Your face is different, you're not wearing makeup!"
"And your face is still childlike, you're correct though, I forgot to do it."
You both pouted at each other, glaring
The moment quickly ended as soon as he started to speak
"oh, I thought this was going to be a thing now....you're pretty, why do you wear it? You don't need to especially the amount you normally wear."
You frowned
Annoyed no one has taught him about this kind of thing and how what he was saying was rude
Mentally noting to speak to Solomon and Simeon about this
But you couldn't be too mad, he was a child
You decided to make this a reaching moment for the young angel
"Well you see Luke, anyone can wear makeup even if they're super confident with their features or super Insecure, it makes people feel good and extra attractive or it can make you look dead and gross - really up to the person - and I'm just someone who really likes wearing makeup and alot of it, what may seem like alot to others could be basic to others, it's all about your personal touch and wants."
"I see....I'm sorry I didn't really understand-"
He looked absolutely devastated
Ashamed and guilty and extremely apologetic
"It's okay, I know you're still learning about these things - hey, how about I do your makeup and we can see what you like?"
You lifted his puffy hat, ruffling the messy hair beneath it
He didn't even swat your hand away
He was too excited and relieved by what you were saying, he jumped up and down as his hands turned into fists
"Really?! I'd- I'd like that, I'll go ask Simeon if you can come over and do it for me! Maybe we can try out your kind of style?"
"Sounds perfect, now go ask~"
He hastily rushed off to find the older demon
You watched from slight afar him asking permission but gave simeon a 'we need to talk' look
#obey me#obey me shall we date#gamingclubpresident#aracadejohn217 9#obey me mc#obey me simeon#obey me solomon#obey me luke#obey me barbatos#obey me diavolo#obey me imagine#obey me headcanon#i do what you ask but also not
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some of the best fantasy au fics for bnha that i've read
i decided to make a fic rec list of one of my favourite aus/fusions. mostly midoriya-centric, there are some crossovers (with hp), and a lot of different ways in which the authors have taken them - so it could be Quirks, ghosts, outright fantasy aus, spirits, witches etc etc. there isn't a specific order and there aren't a tonne (these are the ones i could find buried in my bookmarks lol), but the ones on the list are all really well written i love them.
i've tried adding relevant information, the summary (shortened if it's pretty long) and just. adding some random tags that may be important. not all of them though. obviously this is not a complete list and there will most definitely be more fics out there, if there are some really good fics that you know that aren't on this list, feel free to tell me, i'd love to read them!!!
i hope someone enjoys these!
Faith Becomes You by SugaSuga
oneshot | gen
dfo, quirkless midoriya
summary
'There's a tiny shrine in Musutafu that's overgrown with kudzu vines between Izuku's apartment and his middle-school. There may very well still be a god inside it. There may be nothing but the myth of a man from when Quirks were first emerging.
Izuku hides in its walls for a while and ends up tending to the forgotten shrine. All good deeds have their impact, don't they?'
Of Mythos and Men by Oceanbreeze7
oneshot | gen
spirit animal au, kinda
summary (shortened)
'When he was young, Midoriya always wondered what his mythos would be. The matching half to his quirk, the ancestry of its power. Mythos were strange things, not linked genetically like quirks seemed to be.
[...]
Midoriya hadn't met his mythos. Even in UA.
(In his dreams, something called to him, 'Chase me!')'
what a lion cannot manage by LadyLiterature
multichapter | ongoing | f/m, m/m
kitsune au, female izuku, future bakudeku
summary (shortened)
'She wants to be a hero. Wants to save everyone she meets and even the people she hasn’t.
[...]
A smart fox avoids fights. A smart fox does not seek them out. A smart fox does not fight for everyone. A smart fox, when they absolutely must, only fights for themselves and what is theirs and nothing else.
Izumi, for all that she tries to be, is not a good fox.'
My Magic Academia by Kiterou
series | oneshots and multichapter | ongoing | gen
HP crossover, wizard midoriya, platonic bkdk, some ocs
summary (shortened)
' [...] In which Midoriya Inko is a witch and Izuku a wizard and even after 150 years of quirks taking over the world, Izuku still couldn't tell Kacchan that he isn't worthless and that he still could become a hero all on his own.'
A Lonely Windchime Makes No Sound by Musecookie
multichapter | ongoing | multi
reader/shinso, total fantasy au, very wholesome
summary (shortened)
' [...] You enjoy visiting your slightly creepy local library. When you accidentally befriend the elusive owner's familiar, he begins to appear more and more when you visit. You don't really mind, and he doesn't seem to hate you, even when the two of you become tied up in each other's fate as you pursue the secret to reviving a magical species of flower.
Soft Strangers to Friends to Lovers type beat with lots of fluff and naps! Sleepy cuddles included.'
The grapes of friendship by Gentrychild
oneshot | gen
crack, dfo, vampire izuku
summary
'Izuku, a dhampir hiding his real identity as he goes to UA, the best wizard school in the country, spends the day with his friends.
None of them are aware of it.'
Yesterday Upon the Stair by PitViperofDoom
multichapter | complete | gen
less supernatural, izu's quirk lets him see ghosts, he still has ofa
summary (shortened)
'Midoriya Izuku has always been written off as weird. As if it's not bad enough to be the quirkless weakling, he has to be the weird quirkless weakling on top of it.
But truthfully, the "weird" part is the only part that's accurate. He's determined not to be a weakling, and in spite of what it says on paper, he's not actually quirkless [...]
Not that anyone would believe it if he told them.'
sum of all (and by them driven) by Elemental
series | multichapter | ongoing | gen
dadzawa, spirits give quirks, izu sees these spirits
series summary
'Quirks aren't what you think they are.'
first part summary (shortened)
'Midoriya Izuku is medically quirkless, not technically homeless, perpetually exhausted and doing his damned best despite it all. He also sees spirits, which might be cool if not for the fact that a) no one else does, b) they really don't like him very much, and c) he's pretty sure the heroes now think he's a villain working for the League [...]'
The Struggles of a Modern-Day Vampire by miraculousemily47
oneshot | gen
crack, 1-a shenanigans, vampire midoriya
summary
'After Midoriya Izuku is turned into a vampire towards the end of his first year at U.A., he decides he wants to tell his classmates about his condition.
The only problem is that he can't physically say the words, and his classmates are fucking idiots.'
Lights in the Dark by FrostKitten
series | oneshots | ongoing | gen
supernatural au, izuku can see demons etc, quirkless/magic au
summary (of first part)
'Midoriya Izuku, like most young kids, knows there are monsters. They live in closets, under beds, and occasionally in the park. As he grows older, his friends stop seeing them...but he still does.'
Hand in Unlovable Hand by jumbletea
series | oneshots | ongoing | gen
vampire midoriya (and aizawa), dadzawa, toga n dabi n mido being siblings
summary
'A collection of stories surrounding a not-quite-human Izuku and everyone he meets along the way.'
Simply Superstitious by CryCaladrius
multichapter | ongoing | gen
lots of folklore and yokai and stuff, 'quirkless' magic user izuku, decent dad hisashi too
summary (shortened)
'Izuku Midoriya’s father is a Hou-ou — a Japanese phoenix.
For some reason, this means yokai have a standing invitation to pester Izuku with their existence. Birds assemble choirs for his birthday. If there’s no cedar leaf under the welcome mat, the amazake babaa that lives two apartments over will be knocking on their door by evening. His yokai-purifying excursions get mistaken for vigilantism far too often.
[...]'
Cuckoo Bird (anonymous author)
multichapter | ongoing/maybe discontinued | gen
it may be discontinued but theres lots of fae folklore, deku is a changeling, deals etc, plus some platonic shindeku building up??
summary
'There's something off about Midoriya Izuku.
(change·ling
/ˈCHānjliNG/
noun
a child believed to have been secretly substituted by fairies for the parents' real child in infancy.)'
tread softly as you go by IceEckos12
oneshot | gen
if you read any fae au please let it be this! has faeries but mido is not one
summary
'Humans used to be good at the old ways.
They used to know how to bait the trap, to spin a web of words and lies that would ensnare even the most wily. Humans used to be able to twist deceptions around knots of iron and turn them into weapons of power.
They forgot a long, long time ago.
A boy unwittingly makes a deal with one of the fae, severing his ties to humanity. However, he finds that the fae world is far more strange and complex than he ever could have imagined.'
Hell is just a shoujo manga by supercrunch
multichapter | complete | f/m
fantasy au, bakudeku, fem!izuku, isekai, dekusquad stuff, also some iidachako
summary (shortened)
'Izuku wakes up crushed under a statue, trapped in the body of a princess who doesn't exist.
Turns out she's a demon, which is weird. What's even weirder is the déjà vu that surrounds Kamino palace, reminding her of the events of this one manga she used to love. [...] But that's probably just a coincidence. [...]
The problem here, obviously, is that Izuku's the demon princess. Ergo, she's a villain.
And that means she's going to die at the end of this manga. Again.'
hold your breath as you cross by cassiopeia721
oneshot | gen
dadzawa, another 'quirks are from spirits au' (expect more of those actually), mido is sad :(
summary
'As the bridge between the world of guardian spirits and the quirk users who are blessed by them, Izuku's duty is to clean up the mess his predecessor left. It's taken what feels like an eternity worth of work, but Izuku's finally finished, and he's ready to rest at last. Unfortunately, the pro heroes who just watched him take down the Scourge of Kamino have no intention of letting him just wander off, and he finds himself stuck in an interrogation room with a bunch of humans who he's sure will never believe a word he says.'
To See with Eyes Unclouded by CrazySatan
series | oneshots | ongoing | gen
witch au, witch midoriya, quirkless mido, bkg is not a good friend
series summary
'Midoriya Izuku is a witch. A powerful witch. And even though he doesn't have a quirk, and magic doesn't Work Like That, Izuku ends up a hero. Somehow.'
Demons and Darkness by wolfsrainrules
series | oneshots | ongoing | gen
dadzawa, shinso and mido and bkg are becoming friends, they can see monsters/spirits/bad things
summary of first part
'Izuku has believed in the things that go bump in the night since he was small. That means he can see them, and almost everyone he knows....can't. So he decides he's going to be the shield humanity needs, no matter what.
Eventually, he finds others that See too.'
know what i've made by the marks on my hands by simkjrs
multichapter | ongoing/maybe discontinued | gen
dadzawa, quirk spirit au (this inspired most of the others on this list), also eri
summary (shortened)
'Midoriya Izuku just wants to lead a quiet, peaceful life. This is foiled by the fact that a) he can see spirits, b) his good nature demands that he help anyone he sees in trouble, and c) he, by all rights, should not exist. [...]'
Izuku haunts class 1-A by Artistic-Gamer
series or multichapter whichever floats your boat | incomplete (hiatus) | other
there are some triggering themes! such as suicide, blood, body disfigurement! please take care of yourself and avoid reading if this will hurt you!
in other news: so much dadzawa, so much friendship, hurt mido
summary (of first part)
'Class 1-A is rumored to be haunted, only the residents are aware it’s more than just a rumor..'
U.A's Resident Ghost by BeyondTheClouds777
multichapter | ongoing/maybe discontinued | gen
ghost midoriya, dadzawa, friendships!!!!
summary
'There is a ghost at U.A. Not haunting U.A. Not even hanging out at U.A.
There is a ghost. Enrolled. As a student of U.A.
And it's just Shouta's luck that he has everything to do with it.'
and now, the weather by xylophones
oneshot | gen
CRACK, paranormal/ghost hunters au, dekusquad stuff
summary
'Izuku runs a fictional horror radio show. Because ghosts aren’t real. Right?
(“Holy shit, ghosts are real,” Izuku whispers. Then, with the smugness of a sixteen-year-old who just won a decade long bet, “I knew it! Kacchan owes me five hundred yen!”
“Midoriya,” Todoroki sighs, “this ghost is trying to kill us.”)'
U.A Unsolved by handcrusher(ameliafromafairytale)
oneshot | gen
(it's a fic of a fic, so if you've read yesterday upon the stair then you'll understand better) izuku can see ghosts thats his quirk
summary
' "Hey there, ghosts," Midoriya says, "it's me, ya boy."
The dorms are haunted. Shenanigans ensue.'
The Haunting of Class 1-A by BritishRobutt
multichapter | ongoing/maybe discontinued | n/a
ghost midoriya, vigilante au, crack, the ghost bit is izu's quirk
summary
'Everyone always told Izuku he couldn't be a hero, so when he dies and discovers his quirk, he becomes a vigilante out of spite. Whoops.
After becoming Spectre, Japan's most wanted vigilante, Izuku realizes he can just fulfill his dreams of going to the top heroic school- after all, who can physically stop him from attending UA when he's a literal ghost?'
Caged by SternStunde
oneshot | gen
tododeku, fantasy au (todo is a dragon, mido is a princess), genderbent deku (fem deku)
summary
'Then she held up one of the books and smiled. "Want to learn an ancient language with me?"
She was kind of a nerd, and she really hoped the dragon was too.'
Magic Runs Deep by draconicschinx
multichapter | ongoing/probably discontinued | gen
mido has a quirk and he can see mythical creatures.
summary
'"Midoriya Izuku has always been good at making friends. Not human ones, really, but they are good friends nonetheless. "
Izuku can see and talk to and interact with mythical creatures. It's not exactly the quirk he was hoping for, but he's going to use it to help humans and his non-human friends all the same.'
#bnha#mha#fic recs#fantasy au#ghost au#vampire au#witch au#boku no hero academia#my hero academia#spirit fanfics#i have gone to an unnecessary amount of effort for a list that no one asked for#hmm#mythical beasts#myths and legends#i hope my tagging is okay lol#fic rec list#midoriya izuku#midoriya izumi#genderbending#shinsou hitoshi#dadzawa#quirkless au#lots of aus#magic
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Dimension Jumping Pt. 5
Comforting a grieving hobbit and time get everyone ready to go out!
Via the genius idea from katzrfsoa / Kat88
There's been mention of the reader not wanting to take the groups out, for fear of the public's reaction... so what about a cosplay convention? it would give the Reader the perfect excuse to allow them out, and they would wear their original clothes
----
This morning has been uneventful for the most part.
Breakfast passed by without issue and now everyone is off doing their own things.
You looked outside and took a peek in the guest room, but you still can't find him.
Sam, Merry, and Pippin are playing a board game you showed them; Legolas is doing his meditation sleep thing; Boromir and Aragorn are discussing something; and Gimli is stacking bread on Legolas' leg to see how long it takes until he notices.
Frodo, however, is missing at the moment.
Right as you were considering telling the others of his disappearance, however, you heard some shuffling from your hall closet.
You open the door carefully and take peer inside, not wanting to startle the small hobbit, and at first you don't see him.
There's more shuffling and you hear a quiet sniff, followed by soft sobs, and you then realize he's hiding behind the shelf.
The door makes a soft clicking sound when you close it, and right away the quiet cries cease. You didn't want to alert him with the door, you wanted to do it yourself, but it's too late now, so you just go with it.
"Frodo?" You call in a gentle voice, staying by the door incase he wants you to go.
"Y-Yes?' He calls back, not moving from his spot.
His voice is thick with emotion, and the sadness in his tone makes your heart ache painfully. And when you walk closer and see him huddled up behind the shelf, your heart breaks a little for him.
He hastily rids his cheeks of any evidence of his sorrows, though the puffiness around his eyes and constant sniffles don't much help his cause, and looks at you with a false smile.
"Frodo, why are you crying?" You ask with furrowed eyebrows, kneeling down in front of him so you may look at him at eye level (mostly).
"It's nothing." He tells you quickly, looking away from your compassionate face with the same sad frown on his lips.
When you don't move to get up or leave, his gaze slides back over to you and he realizes that you're not going to leave unless he straight up tells you to go away. This makes him sigh, but truthfully, he doesn't want you to go away. Not really. For having company in a time of sorrow always mends suffering.
"I... did not have a proper time to mourn Gandalf. I've been so caught up in the oddity that is this place that I almost forgot my sorrows altogether, but then this morning is all... came rushing back." He explains with a surprisingly even voice.
While he speaks you cross your legs and listen along intently, your hands folded neatly in your lap. When he finishes, you reach forward and place your hand atop his with a gentle touch, "I didn't know him, but I can tell he was very dear to you. Honestly, I can't offer much advice, but I can tell you that keeping it all bottled up inside is not a good idea."
He looks at you with that sad face when you speak, and it prompts you to continue, "Also, I know everyone else can be pretty overwhelming or they just don't understand, and I want you to know that I'm always here to listen if you're feeling down, okay?"
Your words draw a small smile from the grieving hobbit and it elicits a similar grin from you.
"Thank you, Y/N. I... actually do feel a little better."
"I'm glad."
---
After your discussion with Frodo you rejoin everyone back out in the main room and let him recollect himself, going right onto your laptop to get some work done.
You're idly scrolling through a scholarly article you need to research when you see it.
An advertisement for some sort of comic book, cosplay, convention... thing in the area (no wonder you've been seeing so many oddly dressed people recently).
At first you almost scroll past it, but then you get hit with the brick of knowledge and a lightbulb goes off in your head.
"Yes!" You scream, successfully scaring everyone in the room and Penny who is sitting with you for once. "Ohh, my god. This is freaking perfect!" You exclaim, clicking on the link to get some more information.
Your eyes practically soak up everything on the information page, and, once you've skimmed through all of it, you look up with a bright smile on your face.
Literally all of them are looking at you like you've grown two heads, but you only clap your hands together a few times. "Guys, I just had a huge brain moment!"
The joke goes over their heads as per usual, but you don't let that deter you.
"Huge brain moment?" Pippin asks in confusion, looking at his cousin like he thinks he heard it wrong or something.
"Yes! I've figured out a way to take everyone out!"
That certainly gets their attention.
"You have?" Sam asks exuberantly, dropping his game piece so he can turn towards you and pay perfect attention.
"I have, yes," you start, continuing once you're 100% sure they're all paying attention, "So here's the thing, I knew that I could take out you tall boi's without issue besides having to find a hat for Legolas here, and I could explain that Gimli here has dwarfism," you pause at that and realize it may be offensive to him, but you continue once more, "but I also knew that there's no way I can explain away the hobbits, and then I found this gem."
You turn the computer so it faces all of them, but they only look more confused.
"There's a convention thing in town for the next week, and it's the perfect opportunity for me to bring everyone out! We just have to dress up the hobbits a bit and pretend that they're children."
At your explanation you receive multiple pleased smiles, and it serves to make you feel even better about your idea. "And you can all wear your normal clothes, too. And if someone asks who you are... I'll figure out a game or something you guys can use as an alias."
"Are you sure that will work?" Aragorn asks with furrowed eyebrows, sitting up from his spot in your arm chair.
"Um, like, maybe 98%." You confirm with a shrug, "It's better than 88% though."
He doesn't seem like he disagrees with you, so you look back at your laptop again and start to look for ideas to make them more believable as humans.
---
3 hours of research later, and you've successfully compiled a completely fool proof plan to smuggle this merry band of bizarre boys out of your house.
What you've decided is that you'll put some makeup over Legolas' pointy ears to make them look more fake since the concept of elves is not lost in this world. Boromir and Aragorn can go as themselves, and you'll put some makeup on the hobbits much like you will Legolas (they'll be children elves since there are no hobbits in your world) and tell everyone who asks how they look so good that you're a professional makeup artist.
Gimli, fortunately for you, was the easiest to come up with something for next to the other two humans of this group. You can just tell people he has dwarfism and that's why he chose to go as a dwarf character.
Everything is in order except for what you're going to do, though you suppose you should match their theme and be some sort of renaissance, maiden, lady, thing. You'll figure it out, though you do need to make sure it's convincing like theirs.
You decided to, instead of putting it off, go ahead and start working on finding a costume to match theirs.
A couple of searches later and you come across a really pretty dress that looks to fit their style, and when you show it to them they give you the thumbs up, so you order it with express shipping so it should arrive tomorrow.
It's a lovely flowy medieval dress *just look up flowy medieval dress and go to images, there are some good examples there*, and you feel excited just looking at it. Of course, there's no guarantee that it'll be the best quality, but it's got great reviews and you certainly paid a hefty sum for it.
After that's done with you head to your bathroom to see what makeup you've got, and you find that you don't really have any theatrical/special effects makeup. You're going to need skin colored wax makeup, powders, and contour stuff.
You're no makeup artist, obviously, but luckily for you, your goal is to make them look less realistic, so it should be easy enough.
It's surprisingly easy to figure out what you need to make them as convincing as possible, and pretty soon you've got a nice little list going on that outlines each thing you need.
Since you don't want to delay anymore, you head out of your bathroom and grab your bag while putting on your shoes, "Legolas, I'm leaving now if you wanna come with." You suggest since he stated his desire to join you in the one of the last chapters (:o).
When you call his name he looks over at you quickly, smiling a bit at your offer, "Yes, but you said I need a hat."
"Oh yeah! I have one, just gimme a sec." You tell him, walking over to a drawer.
When you open said drawer, you find a grey beanie with ease and toss it over to him, "Here ya go. Make sure it covers your ears... and uh, tuck your hair up into it too if you don't mind."
He does as you say with ease and, surprisingly, he looks just as good with shorter hair as he does longer hair.
It sticks kinda awkwardly at first, so you waltz on over and gesture for him to crouch down so you don't have to reach up.
Once again he does as you request and leans down so you may fix it.
You adjust it a bit to make sure it won't fall first, and then you smooth it back a bit so it'll also look stylish. And once you're done you take a step back and smile at him brightly.
"All done! Let's go!"
---
He seemed rather fascinated in the way your car works first and foremost, but once you got him to look out his window instead of watching you, his excitement quickly turned into awe.
When you both get to the ULTA store he follows you without hesitation and asks some hushed questions about things he sees, like the light up signs, other passing cars, stoplights, and some other things.
You, of course, answer each question happily and lead him inside, holding the door open for him while he enters and looks around the brightly lit up makeup store.
Right away you head towards the general direction of the nose and scar wax (it's multi purpose, don't judge me), forgetting to make sure that Legolas follows you.
When it does occur to you, however, that the blond elf didn't come after you, you panic.
You turn in a circle and only stop when you see him standing with some ladies who practically have hearts in their eyes.
Unconsciously you breathe a sigh of relief and head over with the wax in your little basket, immediately reaching up to wrap your arm around his, "I got the first thing on my list, come on."
The girls stop their giggles and flirting as soon as you show up and look genuinely surprised.
You give them a smile and nod in acknowledgement, not wanting to make them feel bad over something so silly before turning with your arm still around his own and walking him over to look at some contour stuff and other things.
They make some snide comments when you turn your back about you being a 'clingy girlfriend' and 'not pretty enough to be with a model like that', but you only ignore it and relish in the fact that you didn't make them feel bad over something as silly as a cute guy in a makeup store.
"Why are those women talking about you like that?" He asks in a whisper, leaning down so only you will hear his question.
You look up at him with a bit or surprise since you didn't expect him to pick up on that, before you smile, "They're attracted to you, and they think that I was being selfish with taking you away from their advances."
"Selfish? Advances?" He looks confused, but you only smile and turn back to the display case.
"Don't worry your pretty little head over it, Leggy my boy."
"Leggy?" He asks slowly, looking at you in confusion.
"Leggy." You confirm with a nod with a distracted hum.
It isn't much later that you have everything you need, and so you go to the checkout and buy everything.
"Going to the convention?" The girl at the counter asks with a smile.
You smile back and nod your head, glancing up at Legolas before looking back at her, "That obvious?"
"No of course not, just the items in your basket always fly off the shelves around convention time." She replies with a giggle, ringing up all your items.
"Well, that's fair." You muse, putting your card into the reader to pay for it.
Once everything is in order she hands you your receipt and adds, "Maybe I'll see you there."
"Maybe!" You chirp back happily, liking the nice conversation going on here.
"You and your boyfriend have a good day now!"
You elect to ignore that.
---
On the way home you pretend to not notice the black car following yours and make small talk with the elf, answering some more of his questions and speaking idly on different things.
"There are so many odd, interesting things here..." He comments after a while, glancing out the back window. "Are you aware that, that car has been following us for the past 10 minutes?"
You nod and hum as an answer, "Mmhm, it's just Brian. He's probably trying to figure out who you are."
The blond knits his eyebrows together and glances back to look at the car again, "Should I do something about it?"
"The only thing you can do is ignore it. He went from lowercase 's' stalker to uppercase 's' since you guys arrived, and it'll only get worse if you intervene." You mumble, trying not to look in the rearview mirror at him. "It's fine."
"You don't seem to think it's fine." He challenges in the same even tone, turning in his seat towards you.
Instead of answering his question you look at him while you stop at a light and grumble, "I told you to put your seatbelt on."
"It's uncomfortable."
"I don't care."
"I will be fine."
"Not if we get into a crash, you won't."
The two of you stare each other down before he slowly reaches up and buckles his belt, never breaking eye-contact.
"Good boy." You coo in a way-too sweet voice.
"Anyways, I know we said as much before, but you needn't worry about that man while we're here." He continues despite your obvious subject change.
"I know." Your reply is softer and less defensive this time, for you really do appreciate it, "Thank you."
He looks surprised at your sudden gratitude, and his expression shows as much "For what?"
"For being you. For looking out for me. All of you."
This time he smiles and says no more.
---
When you both get back to your house you immediately put everything in your bathroom and get onto your laptop to view some techniques on theatrical and movie makeup, Pippin and Merry on either side of you while they view through the pictures and videos with you.
"That one looks interesting." Merry pipes up suddenly, pointing at a person to wolf makeup transformation.
"Yep, and way past anything I can do."
This pattern of going through pictures and viewing clips goes on for a little while until they two hobbits depart to have lunch, meanwhile you continue on so that tomorrow will be a success.
You're both excited and nervous at the same time, wanting to see how it'll all turn out but also dreading it incase something goes wrong.
You know the most important thing is to have a positive mindset about it, but it's kinda hard sometimes during your more anxious moments.
Also, there's the issue of Brian possibly following all of you...
Nah, that'll be a problem to think on for tomorrow.
"What time will we leave tomorrow?" Aragorn asks from his usual spot on the rocking chair, Penny still nestled in his lap as per usual.
"Around the morning. I bought the tickets already so we won't have to stand in line for too long... Hopefully."
"Thank you for working so hard so that we may see more of your world." He comments suddenly, stroking his hand down her fluffy back.
You tilt your head to the side and smile a bit, "You don't have to thank me."
"No, I do. You have seen to our every need and we no doubt pose to be a huge burden. Thank you, really."
His words make you flush slightly, and you look away shyly.
You've grown to care about all of them, so of course you would do anything to keep them comfortable at this point. More than anything you're just glad they see how much you're trying to make things easy on them. It feels nice being recognized for your efforts.
Plus, the added protection from Brian is pretty sweet.
"Anything for you guys."
#the fellowship x reader#the fellowship of the ring#the fellowship of the ring x reader#frodo baggins#pippin took#boromir#lotr gimli#legolas greenleaf#samwise gamgee#merry brandybuck#aragorn#lord of the rings fanfiction#dimension jumping pt. 5#dimension jumping pt. 2#frodo x reader
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My One in a Million CH 5
Ok ok it’s here!! Once again, thank you @knittingdreams and @inloveoknutzy for being such amazing betas ❤️ And thank you @wonder-womans-ex for the idea of Sirius making awful cookies haha
@donttouchmycarrots @sunflowerfox87 @justdyingontheinside @heyoitslysso @whataboutmyfries Please let me know if I forgot anyone that wanted to be tagged! :)
And of course, the lovely characters are from @lumosinlove ‘s world
Thank you so much for reading y’all! ❤️
Masterlist
Chapter 5 - Making amends
Sirius had a plan.
It was very simple. He wanted to clear the air with Remus, show him he wasn’t a horrible person. And to do that, he needed to stop being an ass.
Sirius had never been more self-conscious of how much his family affected his moods. He hated the idea of them having that kind of power over him. After all, he’d escaped that house years ago to avoid precisely that: having no control over his own life.
He had a tendency to go on a self-destructive streak whenever he felt overwhelmed by his parents' demands, it was the only way he knew how to cope with it. It was unhealthy, he was perfectly aware of that, and he was tired of not being able to find another way. Yeah, he wanted to do something nice for Remus to compensate for his behaviour, but he also wanted to do this for himself. So, now that he was feeling like his own person again, Sirius was going to fix all of his bad habits, go back to being a decent human being, and apologize to Remus.
It was going to work.
“That’s not gonna work.”
Sirius stared at Finn. He was sprawled on the couch, carding his fingers through Logan’s hair, who was sitting between his legs. Sirius would never admit it, but sometimes he was jealous of the relationship they had. He yearned for something like that.
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Well, you can do all of that, but it will all be for nothing if he still refuses to even look at your face.”
“Why don’t you just tell him you’re Padfoot?” James asked as he walked into the room with two bowls of snacks in his hands, before he plopped down on the floor. “D’you think he’d tell?”
“No, I don’t believe Remus would do something like that. He would definitely try to keep Padfoot’s identity. I just…” Sirius trailed off and stared down at his hands, fiddling with them on his lap. Then he lifted his head to look at James’ confused expression. “I just don’t want the same thing to happen again. Not that I think Remus would try to take advantage of my popularity, but I…” he heaved a sigh, “I don’t want him to like me just because I’m Padfoot. I want him to like me because of me.”
There was a short silence as his three friends glanced at each other, and then Logan snorted.
“You big softie,” he said with a smirk. Sirius threw a cushion to his face.
He didn’t tell them the other reason why he was reluctant to tell Remus the truth: he was scared he would disappoint him.
The man thought so highly of Padfoot, it was so obvious by the way he spoke of him and how his eyes shone when he did. But would he still think the same if he knew that Padfoot was in fact his annoying neighbour? It seemed so important to him, for reasons Sirius didn’t understand, but still. He didn’t want to ruin that for Remus.
“So what are you going to do?” James said through a mouthful of chips.
Sirius perked up and smiled wickedly at his friends, making them groan even before he started talking.
“I’m glad you asked, Prongs. I’m gonna start by soundproofing my recording room. Which is why you lot are here today.”
James let out an audible gasp, “and here I thought you actually enjoyed our company. You were planning on using us all along!” he tilted his head up, placing his wrist on his forehead like he was about to faint.
“Outrageous.”
“I’m shocked.”
“I never expected this of you, Sirius,” Finn added, pretending to wipe the corner of his eyes.
“D’accord, d’accord!” Sirius huffed. “Dinner’s on me, oui? Don’t look at me like that, Prongs. I know you’ll be recording in here as well, so you might as well stop complaining and help.”
“Why are we here then?” Logan grumbled as he burrowed closer to Finn’s front, searching for his warmth.
“Cause you love me too much, and cause me and James alone would probably end up building a fort instead.”
James grinned cheekily at him, like he hadn’t dismissed that idea yet, but he got up. The four of them went to the room at the end of the hall, where Sirius had a couple of computers, lots of collectibles, and piles of acoustic foam and command strips to do the job.
“You know, you could probably teach Remus a thing or two about video editing. Leo showed us some of them and they’re good, but they are missing a little something,” Finn said offhandedly.
Sirius tripped over a chair, sending it wheeling against the desk.
“You...you saw the videos?” he asked, trying to sound nonchalant about it, but the effect was completely ruined with Logan snickering in the background.
“Wait, since when are you friends with Leo?” James raised his eyebrows as he stared suspiciously from Logan to Finn.
Finn blushed slightly, but it was Logan who answered. “Oh, you know... we hung out a couple of times after the party. He’s cool.”
“He’s cool,” Sirius snorted. He hadn’t missed the way all three of them had thrown glances at each other all night at Halloween. There was something going on that he didn’t quite understand yet, but he wanted to give them the space they needed to talk about it if they wanted to.
Besides, there were other things on his mind as of then.
He’d completely forgotten about the existence of those videos. How that had happened after the display he saw on the balcony the other day was beyond him. Working on the room and waiting for the guys to be distracted enough was torture for Sirius. He had to keep reminding himself it was for a good cause, that Remus and his other neighbours would appreciate it.
But as soon as the food arrived and the guys sat down in the living room to watch TV, Sirius disappeared back into his recording room.
Finding the videos wasn’t hard. Apparently, there weren’t that many Remuses out there that were yoga instructors. Shocking, he knew. He pulled up the first video that appeared and almost choked on his breath.
There was Remus, bent backwards in the air over another man’s feet. Sirius registered at the back of his mind that the man was Leo, but he was more focused on the way Remus seemed to be flying as Leo, who was lying on the floor, kept him up by pressing his feet at Remus’ lower back and curve of his ass. A pop-up note at the bottom of the screen said the pose was called “back bow”. Sirius could understand why Finn thought he could use some help with editing, but right then, he didn’t really give a crap about that. Not with Remus’ muscles stretched taught to keep himself balanced and in shape, the tights he was wearing hugging the length of his legs and hips snugly, leaving very little to the imagination.
Sirius watched, transfixed, at the way Remus bent gracefully, his lean body arching and flipping in the air before Leo caught him. It was fucking gorgeous.
At the end of the video, a link was dropped that Sirius clicked almost on instinct. He was led to a website that offered all sorts of merchandise: mats, t-shirts, hoodies, sweatpants, leggings, and a few more things. Before Sirius could stop to analyse his fanboy (and slightly stalkerish) behaviour, he started adding stuff to the cart.
“Sirius, what the hell are you doing? Your food is getting cold.” James entered the room but stopped short when Sirius hastily got up and stood in front of the computer screen. He raised an eyebrow and glanced around his best friend, surprise marking his features when he got a look at what he was doing. “You really are smitten, aren’t you?”
Sirius rubbed a hand over his face, dropping himself back on the chair. He could talk about it with James, James wouldn’t make fun of him. “I...I don’t know. I’m just so curious about him. Like...I really want to talk to him more? Is that weird?”
“Nah, it’s not.” He walked over and propped himself on the desk next to Sirius, “I think it’s great that you’re actually trying. Don’t…” he sighed, “don’t close yourself off. You don’t need to do that anymore.”
Finn and Logan’s laughs drifted in through the door, breaking the haze in Sirius’ thoughts.
“Yeah...Yeah, thanks Potts.”
James bumped his fist against Sirius’ shoulder, smiling fondly at him. “No problem. Now get your ass there and eat your food.” He slung an arm around Sirius’ neck and started dragging him to the living room.
Sirius laughed and let himself be steered into a chair as he stole a glance at his two other friends, who were stealing kisses and food from each other, thinking that maybe James had a point. Maybe it was ok for him to want this.
***
Standing in front of the door with the number ten on it, Sirius felt a bit like an idiot. He was there, with a canvas painting -wrapped neatly in parchment paper- under one arm, and a box of homemade cookies in his hand.
Lily had mentioned what it was exactly that Sirius had broken, and Sirius had looked at many local artists until he found one he thought was perfect.
The cookies had been Sirius’ idea. He’d made them himself and vowed to never let any of his friends find out about it or he wouldn’t be able to live it down.
Pumping himself up, Sirius plastered his best smile on his face and knocked on the door. A few moments later it swung open, and then Remus was in front of him, still looking back into his apartment with a smile.
“I’ll be back in a sec,” he said, but when he turned around and looked at Sirius, his smile faltered. The waver of those lips made Sirius’ heart tremble too. “Hi.”
“Hello,” Sirius breathed. After a few seconds of both of them just staring at each other, Sirius cleared his throat. “Can I...um...Can I talk to you?”
“Sure.” Remus seemed surprised, but he crossed his arms and stared at him, waiting.
Oh, this is worse than I thought. Sirius shifted his weight. “Is it ok if I come in?” he asked, and then he thought about Remus’ first words. “Or..oh shit, do you have company?”
“No,” Remus frowned. He glanced suspiciously at the stuff on Sirius’ hands before he heaved a sigh and stepped back to let him through.
Sirius’ first impression of Remus’ flat was that it suited him. It was warm, just like Remus seemed to be with anyone that wasn’t Sirius. It hadn’t gone unnoticed by him in the past few weeks how sweet and kind he was, always smiling and helping others. Sirius really wanted to be his friend. Ok, maybe more than friends, but right now, he would be happy with just that.
“What do you need?” Remus asked in an uninterested tone. He didn’t invite Sirius to sit down, and instead just stood there in the middle of the living room.
Sirius turned to look at him, his mouth opening to start apologising, but his attention was drawn to something behind the other man. Cocoa was approaching them slowly, placing one paw in front of the other without making a sound, his yellow eyes focused on Sirius’ face and his lips slightly pulled up.
A wide smile pulled at Sirius’ mouth, his eyes lighting up. “Hey doggy!” He crouched, extending a hand towards the animal.
“Sirius, don’t!” Remus tried to stop the dog, but Cocoa was already onto Sirius. And then he froze altogether at what he saw. Cocoa merely sniffed Sirius’ hand, sat down, and started wagging his tail.
Sirius laughed, “whoa, you’re even larger up close.” His eyes found Remus’. “Why are you so jumpy? He’s such a good dog,” he said as he started scratching Cocoa’s ears, “aren’t you?”
The wolfdog barked once and leaned into Sirius’ hand with its tongue hanging out.
“I...I don’t get it,” Remus was staring at him in awe, his mouth hanging open as his dog got closer to Sirius.
“What?”
“Cocoa is never so friendly with strangers. It usually takes him a long time to stop being alert and wary...but he seems to like you.”
Cocoa licked Sirius’ face as if to confirm that statement, making Sirius laugh again.
“Of course he does. We’re the same, aren’t we boy?”
“What do you mean?” Remus asked, still looking slightly disoriented.
“Well, I’m named after the dog star, aren’t I? And I’m a Black,” he gestured between himself and Cocoa as if he was stating something obvious.
The corners of Remus’ lips lifted up like he was trying really hard not to smile.
“Oh my God, that’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard!” he said, covering his mouth with a hand.
“You can deny it all you want, but he loves me.”
Cocoa inched even closer to Sirius and put his nose on the box that was still in his hand.
“Oh no, that’s not for you. Sorry, boy.”
“I’ve actually been meaning to ask, but what exactly is that?” Remus frowned.
“Oh, right.” Sirius petted Cocoa one last time and got up, fidgeting with the paper covering the present he’d brought. “Well, this is why I wanted to talk to you. I um…I only found out a few days ago that you were the person I bumped into that day. I just wanted to make amends.”
He handed Remus the big square package and waited anxiously as the other man narrowed his eyes at him and started ripping the paper off. He was pretty confident in the choice he’d made, but he hoped Remus would like it.
“What the hell is this?”
Remus was staring down at the landscape peeking out of the torn paper: a beautiful impressionist rendition of a full moon over a waterfall, with a pack of wolves peeking out of a forest. It was very well done, and not at all deserving of the glare Remus was throwing its way. Sirius’ head was reeling. How did he manage to make someone so kind and polite react in this way every time?
“I know it’s not the same as the one I broke, but I-”
“Damn right it’s not!” Remus snapped. His hands were shaking. Cocoa seemed to sense something was wrong, cause he was there in an instant, standing in front of Remus, trying to find where the threat was. Remus plunged on, his voice rising with an emotion Sirius couldn’t place, “My mum made that for me! You think you can just replace it with any expensive crap? You can’t possibly believe this is the same as something that meant so much to me, something that kept me going during-” Remus cut himself off and looked up to the ceiling. He was breathing hard, rubbing his temple with one hand while he held the painting in the other.
“I...I didn’t know. I… fuck,” Sirius closed his eyes, cursing himself, before looking pleadingly at Remus, trying to convey his emotions properly. “I’m so, so sorry. I never intended it to be a replacement. I...I just wanted to apologise.”
He’d fucked up. He’d fucked up royally before he’d even properly met the guy, all because he couldn’t control his bad temper. He should probably go before making things worse. But he didn’t want to. He’d come here to make everything better, not to leave things like this. Glancing around to buy some time, he tried to think of a way to reverse the situation.
His eyes found something and, without even thinking about it, he blurted, “oh, so you bought the game?”
“What?”
Sirius pointed awkwardly to the NHL game box sitting on top of the coffee table. “I know we started on the wrong foot, but maybe we can have a rematch? Break the ice with something we’re both comfortable with?”
Remus stared at him like he was crazy. Maybe he was right, but Sirius was anything if not determined.
“Remus, I’m trying, ok? Just...I have cookies?” He shook the box hopefully, making the cookies rattle inside.
Remus took a deep breath, thinking it over as he stared at Sirius. He heaved a sigh when he reached a conclusion, his chest deflating as some of the anger left his body. "Fine."
He gestured for Sirius to take a seat while he went over to place the half-opened package in another room. Sirius opened the box of cookies and left it on the coffee table before sitting down on the couch, tapping his fingers over his legs as he waited.
The couch was probably big enough for three people, but when Remus walked over, he eyed the free spot next to Sirius and sat on the floor in front of the table instead.
Well, their thighs were definitely not touching this time.
The air was so tense as Remus started up the game, that Sirius thought it would snap and hit them both in the face.
Cocoa padded over and jumped onto the sofa, placing his head on Sirius' lap.
"Traitor," Remus muttered, making Sirius snort despite the heavy atmosphere. From where he was sitting, Sirius could only see his profile, but he was sure he saw the man throw a sideway glance at him and purse his lips. He reached over to grab a cookie, biting into it with extra force, and he instantly pulled a face. "These cookies suck."
Sirius was surprised by such a blatant answer. He leaned forward on his elbows, placing his chin on his hands to try and hide the blush he could feel creeping up his neck.
"They can't be that bad." He snatched one from the box, propping it in his mouth under Remus' attentive eyes, and instantly started coughing. "Oh my god."
"Where the hell did you buy them?"
"How did they turn out so bad?!"
"Wait…" Remus turned to look at him fully, his lips pressed in a thin line to suppress a smile, "did you make these?"
"No," Sirius replied instantly.
"Oh God, you did!"
"Très bien, je les ai faits! I'm sorry I offended you with my awful cooking skills, I just wanted to give you the neighbourly welcome I owed you, d'accord?"
"What are you, 60? Minnie from the floor below made biscuits for me when I moved in."
Sirius sputtered, placing a hand over his heart, "what?! She never made cookies for me!"
“It’s not a competition, jeez.”
“But I wanted cookies,” Sirius pouted.
“You can have these,” Remus deadpanned as he flicked the box.
“Ugh, stop that. That’s the last time I try doing something nice for you,” he grumbled. Remus looked stunned for a second before he turned away.
It was quiet while each of them chose their team and started playing. They were a lot more relaxed in their game than they'd been last time, although that didn't mean they weren't giving it their best.
After a while of being absolutely silent, Sirius sighed. He felt Remus throw a quick side glance at him before looking back at the front.
"I owe you another apology."
The sound of the buttons being pressed and the low noises from the TV were the only things that could be heard as they both stared stubbornly at the screen.
"What for?"
"I've been an ass."
"Yeah, you have."
Sirius chuckled once, "yeah, I have," he said softly. He ran a hand through his hair, checking the score. He was winning, but he didn't really care this time around. "My family...they don't approve of my line of work. I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior or anything, I just...I was having a really rough time that day." Remus raised an eyebrow at the TV, making Sirius laugh again, "and the days after that too. Damn, my friends had to check up on me every day to make sure I didn’t do anything stupid.” He glanced down nervously, afraid that he’d said too much, but Remus was still staring at the tiny players. “I just needed to get out of the flat as fast as possible. I wanted to apologise afterwards, but I didn't even know it was you. Bottom line is, I am on edge whenever they get involved in my life, and I act stupidly, and I am sorry you got caught up in that. I promise I am working on it."
Remus was silent for a few minutes, mulling something over in his head.
"Hospital," he whispered finally.
"What?"
"I was in the hospital when my mum gave me that." He hesitated before saying more. Sirius wanted to see what expression he was making. "I was stuck there for a long time, alone, and that painting was the only thing that kept me from feeling trapped. It helped me calm down."
Sirius’ heart gave a painful tug at the desolation in Remus’ voice. He had no idea how they’d gotten into this heart-to-heart moment, but his hand instinctively left the controller as he bent down to place it on top of Remus’, giving it a light squeeze.
Remus was startled, finally turning to look at Sirius. The sounds from the game kept ringing in the background, but none of them were looking at it anymore.
“I really am sorry,” he said, gazing intently at him. Remus’ eyes were the richest shade of gold he’d ever seen, glowing warmly, and Sirius was sure that he could light up even the darkest corners of his being. How had he not noticed this before?
The room went a bit colder when those eyes left his to glance at their hands.
“Are you ok?” Sirius asked.
“Yeah, I just-” Remus removed his hand to rub at his neck. “I have things to do. You should go.”
It was clearly a lie, and Sirius knew not to push it.
As he made his way back to his own flat, he had no idea if he’d fixed anything or if he’d just made everything worse.
#wolfstar#wolfstar fic#My One in a Million#writing#fanfic#Remus Lupin#Sirius Black#sirius x remus#remus x sirius#logan tremblay#finn o'hara
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Tenderness and Ferocity | 2. The Second Day
Pairing: Winter Soldier!Bucky Barnes x Hydra!Reader
Fic Synopsis: The Winter Soldier is starting to make stupid mistakes in the field, which is Bucky's way of trying to wrest back control and sabotage his handlers. Hydra brings a new doctor to figure out what's wrong with him and fix it. As she spends time with him, she becomes fond of the Winter Soldier, and he becomes fond of her. Bucky has other ideas.
Or, a fic in which the Winter Soldier is the good guy and Bucky is actually the bad guy.
Warnings for this chapter: Angst
Word count: 1488
Read on AO3: [link]
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"Human perfection and technical perfection are incompatible. if we strive for one, we must sacrifice the other… Technical perfection strives toward the calculable, human perfection toward the incalculable."
— Ernst Jünger
"Tell me about your last mission. Why did it fail?"
"It didn't."
"Why did it almost fail." Excuse me.
"First shot missed the target."
"Mhmm... Did something get in the way?"
"No."
"Do you think it was a miscalculation on your part?"
"I don't know."
"I... See, I have no idea how shooting works." she laughed. "Did you misjudge the distance, maybe? The wind, the... trajectory?"
"No."
"So why do you think the first shot failed?"
"The shot didn't fail. I failed. And I don't know."
"But you got him the second time. So what went differently?"
"I don't know."
She thought she knew, but she needed to work him through it. A lot depended on it, and it wasn't just her dedication to her career, but to the whole Winter Soldier program. None of the other recruits were remotely as promising, their minds unhinged or too far gone, hours wasted into them and all that brilliant work. If she got it right just this once, they could do so much more, so much...
Hydra's reach tended to exceed their grasp. This led them to be overly ambitious and fail — painfully, and often. She had to remind herself that it led to growth, that perseverance in the face of your own failures was what growth was. But if she could contribute to a move in a new direction, a right direction, she will have accomplished something with her life. Even if she didn't get any credit and was never remembered, as many of the staff often weren't, at least she could have that small knowledge for herself. She certainly didn't have much else: just her job, and distant family, and colleagues that passed for friends.
"I'm going to say three words. Try to remember them: glass, gecko, charity. Say them back."
"Glass. Gecko. Charity."
"Good. And three things you can see in this room. How about... the lightbulb, that metronome over there, and the sink in the corner. Name them."
"The lightbulb. The metronome. The sink."
"Very good. Now I'm going to get you some paper and a pen." She paused mid-way from getting up to ask "Promise you won't stab me with it?"
He stopped to think, and said "I won't. ...Stab you, that is."
With a wry smile, she went to the little table on the other side of the room.
The Director agreed to give the Soldier a cell with a bunk to sleep in, some bare amenities, and now he spent his time there when he wasn't in session with her, or training (which was most of the time) . She couldn't tell if the change in environment or sleeping made any difference. But as the fabric of his speech got looser every time she plucked at it with a barbed question, she was convinced it had to matter.
They had their meetings in a completely different room, with no bars or windows, and no cameras either. It would have been intimidating to anyone else, that sort of consummate interrogation room lifted out of a dystopia, but anything was better than the sterile stench of the lab where they killed him over and over only to start him up again.
And she wasn't afraid that he would hurt her anyway, not when she reminded herself he physically couldn't disobey. The moments when she forgot about that, however...
Nevertheless, he kept almost as still as he had when he was strapped down. He didn't move more than he needed to, and didn't say more than he needed to. But in spite of everything, she felt herself slip into seeing him as just another person, as a man.
Big mistake. He's a machine, a machine, a machine.
But when she turned around and saw him waiting quietly, the body at ease, the mouth sad but relaxed, those large grey eyes tracking her, and behind them a mind so clever, so curious... When she saw him like that, she felt dirty to have ever dehumanised him.
"I want you to draw a clock for me." she said as she placed the paper before him. "Just a circle, with the hours and everything... Set the hands of the clock at sixteen past two."
She sat back down and watched him, looking at how he held her pen — how long had it been? it's not like Hydra needed him to sign any documents, so this was probably the first time he held one since... — how he drew the circle: strong, steady, with almost an artist's precision — how he set the numbers: 12, 6, 3, 9, methodical. He finished in short order and slid the paper back.
"Good." she smiled. "Very good. Now, let's turn it over and..." giving it back to him, blank face up, "let's imagine that's a map of Europe, west to east. Could you point out where Portugal would be? Where do you think... Good. And Iceland? ...Yes. How about Greece? So the Bosphorus runs where?... Good, and where's Sweden? Yes... And do you think you can point where Belarus is? Very good... Can you name their capitals for me?"
"Lisbon. Reykjavik. Athens. Stockholm. Minsk."
"Excellent." she beamed at him for one unguarded second before she looked back down and missed his school-boy smile. "What about those words from before, do you remember what they were? The words I told you to remember?"
"Glass. Gecko. And charity."
"And the things in the room?"
"The lightbulb. The metronome. The sink."
"Very good." Then she took the paper from him, put it in her folder on top of all the other notes, and tucked the pen back in.
"Did you sleep last night?" she asked pointedly, looking him straight in the eyes.
The suddenness of her question didn't seem to put him off, at first. "Yes."
"Did you dream of anything?"
"Y-yes."
"Do you remember what it was about?" Silence. "Soldier, do you remember what it was about?"
"No."
She noticed with a shudder of excitement that he just lied to her — a fraction-of-a-second twitch at the corner of his left eye gave him away. Or maybe she just imagined it...? After all, he shouldn't be able to lie. Right?
"There's nothing wrong with dreaming, you know." she prodded with deliberate sweetness, the same sort she used with the Director, he noticed with displeasure. "Even if it's about bad things... it's a sign of improvement." Silence. "And I won't tell anyone, I promise. This is just between us." Silence. "Alright, well... That's good too."
She made no effort to hide her disappointment, and the Soldier swallowed while he kept the coolth of his eyes on her. He knew she was trying to charm it out of him — and what's more, she wanted him to know she was trying. Just like he wanted her to know that he wanted bitterly, ardently to tell her.
But she either didn't notice or didn't care, and she changed her tone to that of punishing reserve. "Right then, as there's nothing left to our session today, I can let you go."
She got up briskly and gathered her things without looking directly at him, sipping glances from the corner of her eye to his right arm as it rested on the table, pale and muscular and chiselled smooth, up to the round shoulder which disappeared under the t-shirt. A glimpse, further down, of his thick legs in the black combat fatigues.
He got up and followed her as she started walking. She unlocked the room and directed him out with a nudge of her head. They went out together, the Soldier following behind her clipped steps with his particular gait, heavy boots echoing through the corridor in a strut that lilted under the odd weight of his metal arm.
As they approached the T-section of the hallway with the two guardsmen standing ready for him, another man noticed her and stopped to wait, smiling politely. He wore the same lab coat, but with an amalgam of comfy grey sweater and jeans underneath.
"Hello, Kai." she called as they got closer, a genuine smile in her voice.
"Got that report you wanted."
"It finally finished downloading? Thought it was stuck."
"Nah, it was just too big. Maybe we can apply more filters next time."
"Narrow it down, yes..."
She turned to walk with her colleague toward their offices without so much as a parting word while the two guardsmen walked him in the other direction, toward the training facilities. He spared one longing look back, and as if sensing him she turned her head and caught his eyes for one moment, before turning back to the limp-wrist scrag who had her attention.
"How's the test subject?" Kai asked with a knowing smile.
"Fine. He has... excellent neuroplasticity."
"Wow. That good, huh?"
"By the way, did your girlfriend finish her forensics dissertation yet, or...?"
"Such threats are completely unnecessary."
#Bucky Barnes#Bucky Barnes imagine#Bucky Barnes fanfiction#Bucky Barnes x reader#Bucky Barnes x you#Bucky Barnes x OFC#Winter Soldier fanfiction#Winter Soldier x reader#James Buchanan Barnes#The Winter Soldier#Tenderness and Ferocity#bv;fanfiction#Bucky x reader#Bucky x you
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if you have some angsty writing energy rn: hc where jean notices that hange hasn’t fully grieved or come to terms with erwin and moblit’ deaths, so he gets over his fear of levi to ask him with how to help hange because he’s so concerned for her
Title: Hange-san
Ao3 Link: Here
Notes: I also got some inspiration from this beautiful art I saw on Twitter.
They weren’t really close by any standards. Thinking about it, they probably just had two or three conversations the entire time Jean had known him. But his utter devotion was enough to catch anyone’s attention. If he wasn’t screaming at her to take care of herself, he did it silently by running each tiny errand and sticking with her like glue. He always walked by her side — shoulders hunched from obvious stress, hair a little unkempt, but hazel eyes as bright as ever, taking in every word she said despite the obvious dark circles underneath them. It was almost as if her personality and lifestyle were being injected into him, giving him life.
Jean hadn’t really understood the nature of their relationship before — couldn’t comprehend the idea of someone so willing to put up with Hange-san’s eccentricities and borderline craziness, day in and day out, especially given their slightly above average wages. It hadn’t seemed romantic at first glance by any means (he would have gotten a different vibe from them if it were the case) but rather, it was fueled and strengthened by a strong sense of loyalty and attentiveness. Those in the Survey Corps had dedicated their hearts to fighting titans and ensuring freedom for humanity, and though vice-captain Moblit Berner essentially did the same, it was as if a large chunk of his heart was dedicated only to Hange-san.
Jean paused, taking that new idea in. He stood outside the newly-appointed commander’s office, the journal he found tucked securely at his side. He had been hesitant to see her, especially after yesterday. She had asked him privately, eyes devoid of any emotion, tone full of anguish, if he could clean and clear out the former vice captain’s room. He understood her pain and had somehow expected this request — they were all grieving, having lost all those people — but he didn’t expect to feel pain over the task given to him.
His room was neat enough when Jean entered it yesterday morning. The bed was made, the shelves free of dust, and each article of clothing folded neatly inside his small closet. The only thing out of place was his desk which had mountains of paperwork that still lay on top of it.
He didn’t know him that well. They weren’t really close. But as Jean shuffled through and organized every piece of paper, every work of art, each sketch of an unfamiliar face, he felt his chest tightening. He vaguely remembered the vice-captain being an excellent artist, but he didn’t realize just how talented he was.
For some reason, he wasn’t surprised to see Hange-san’s face more so than the others. He had drawn her messy hair and wild eyes so perfectly that Jean felt as if he wasn’t worthy to even touch those pieces of paper. Some of them were hastily drawn, some with exquisite detail. He also saw sketches of her with captain Levi, and his eyes widened at one particular portrait where he was drawn gripping his teacup and smiling at her tenderly.
Damn it, Jean thought as he gingerly placed those papers back down on the desk. He would have loved to take lessons from the vice-captain if he only knew just how amazing he was. He had always been passionate about making art and drawing things he saw in his dreams back when he was younger. But of course, he had buried it in the face of reality. Seeing these sketches lit up a fire inside him. A fire that both consisted of his long-lost passion and the grief and sorrow he had tried to conceal ever since they returned from Shiganshina. He had looked around the room and let out a deep breath. No, he couldn’t allow himself to linger too much on those thoughts. He knew if he kept thinking about the warm, artistic vice-captain, he would be plunged into a deep abyss. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stop seeing every single face that they lost, especially him. Especially that warm, freckled face full of joy and compassion. That face which had looked at him with so much respect and admiration.
Shaking his head, he forced his mind to turn blank. He started to stack all those papers neatly on top of one another, finally freeing the desk of its mess. However, that was what exactly led him to find the dreaded journal whose contents would continue to haunt him for the rest of the day.
Jean shook his head and looked up, staring at the door to her office. He had been plagued by those thoughts since that task. The commander had ordered him to drop all of his things in her office and so far Jean had made two trips without her being in there. He had a feeling, however, she was behind those doors this time around. He internally debated with himself if he should enter now or wait for her to go to town, seeing as she had a meeting with Zackley later today. However, before he could even decide, the door swung open. Jean jumped up, a little startled, and was met with captain Levi’s usual impassive expression.
“What are you doing here, Jean?” the captain asked, raising an eyebrow. He crossed his arms and lingered at the doorway.
“I, uh,” Jean started, scratching the back of his neck and trying to keep eye contact as much as possible, “I’m here to hand the commander some of—”
“It’s Hange,” the captain cut him off, now closing the door behind him. “I know you’re obligated to call her by that title, and that’s fine for formal occasions, but I want you to keep calling her what you and the other brats call her as much as possible, alright?”
The captain didn’t elaborate any further, which made Jean a little uneasy. He gripped the journal tighter and nodded. He already had a good feeling as to why he would ask such a thing.
“At ease,” the captain spoke quietly, placing a hand on Jean’s shoulder. “You and the brats did well.” Jean looked down and saw… pride? relief? emotions that weren’t normally seen behind the captain's light gray eyes. He allowed himself to briefly recall what had happened on the rooftop. How the captain kept moving forward despite all the pain and loss he endured was unbeknownst to Jean. But then again, that’s what all of them have been doing ever since they joined the Survey Corps, wasn’t it? Is this how his life would always be like? Taking in loss after loss and moving forward from each friend? Forced to kill others with no hesitation? Valuing certain lives and sacrificing others? Clearing out each empty bedroom after every mission? As he was nearing that dark abyss, the captain pulled him out by saying: “Don’t blame yourself with what happened with Reiner, alright? If I only had killed him before he transformed, maybe we wouldn’t have been in this goddamn mess.” the captain recalled briefly, shaking his head and scrunching his eyebrows, “Hange’s inside. Don’t linger too much. She still has a lot of things to do.” and with that, he made his way past Jean and went off across the hallway.
Jean couldn’t help but stare after the captain. He had already come to terms with the fact that it was him who let Reiner get away. That it had all been his fault. But here was the captain, who, the same as Hange-san, took the blame and responsibility for letting the armored and beast titan escape. He felt that it came from more than their positions as superior officers but from their genuine kindness. Their desire to look over everyone. He felt both comforted and pained because of it.
He also couldn't help but think of what the vice-captain had said about captain Levi in his journal...
He shook his head once again. They needed time. He needed time. He already had enough things to deal with because of the damn journal. With a deep sigh, he walked towards the commander’s office and knocked thrice on the door. After he heard a small, muffled “come in,” he pushed it open and was surprised to see her not behind her desk, but standing by the window, looking out at the training grounds across them.
“I’ve brought the last of his things, Hange-san,” Jean said as he closed the door behind him. When she didn’t respond, he shuffled his feet nervously and looked around the office. Bookshelves were covering both sides of the wall, a large desk pressed at the very back, littered with numerous paperwork and books, and the two large windows on either side of which. It felt a little stuffy if he were being completely honest. He had been to Hange-san’s lab before where things were much more chaotic and disorganized, but much more full of life. This place, well, felt like it didn’t belong to her at all.
Which was pretty much a given, considering she had just moved in. The place still embodied the late and great Erwin Smith.
After a few seconds passed, she finally turned around and flashed him a small smile.
It was obviously forced.
“Thank you, Jean,” she spoke, walking up to him and gently taking the journal from his outstretched hands. Her lips pressed into a thin line as she inspected the object. “I… forgot this existed.”
Jean simply nodded, not really knowing what to say. He still felt incredibly awkward.
The commander kept looking at the old, worn-out book as she took a seat behind her desk. She still hadn’t removed the bandages that covered her damaged eye. “This was what he always carried around whenever we did the experiments on those titans. Even if we weren’t doing them, actually. I remember him telling me how his life’s work was here, should he die in the field. How I should inherit it, on the assumption that I’d live longer than him…”
Jean would have had no problem with this conversation if only he didn’t open the book and flipped through the pages himself. Yes, he would be pained, but not as pained if he didn’t read through the long letters that the vice-captain had left in that book. If he hadn’t digested every tiny sketch and word. He had no business in doing so, perhaps he could even get punished should Hange-san find out what he had done, but he couldn’t help the curiosity that sparked within him. Only if he could turn back time. He wished he’d never read those letters. It was just too much.
“He… saved you, didn’t he Hange-san?” Jean muttered respectfully, his body incredibly stiff. She looked up at him, her face just so tired. “When Bertholdt transformed, he pushed you to safety…?”
“I knew it would come to that one day.” the commander said both wistfully and solemnly, “I’ve always been a handful. Careless. Absentminded. Reckless.” she listed off, drumming her fingers on the wooden desk, “I keep getting too close to the mouths of titans. I was more than okay with dying. Especially if it meant I had contributed one way or another to humanity’s freedom. There was this myth I had read before, you know? It was in a storybook meant for children to warn them to never leave the walls.”
At this, she stood up and started walking around the room. “It was a tale of this child who was given wings by his uncle, or was it his father? I couldn’t quite remember. They were trying to escape and leave this tower by flying away. The older man had warned him not to fly too close to the sun, but the boy, being this curious little thing, didn’t listen. Thus, his wings were burned and he fell to his death.” the commander laughed bitterly, her fingers trailing the bookshelves on the left side of the room, “He had always warned me not to fly too close to the sun, Jean. But I still did. Instead of me, it was him who suffered the consequences. It makes me wonder… what if one day, I’ll have this chance again? What if I fly, soaring through the clouds, and my recklessness or heroism or whatever the rest of you would call it, would cause me to fly too close to the sun?”
Jean wanted to leave. He didn’t like the words that were coming out of the commander’s mouth. He wanted to shut himself in his room and maybe sleep this whole thing off. He didn’t want to think about her dying, or anyone for that matter, especially after the loss they were still trying to deal with. That story upset him more than he realized, especially since it didn’t seem too far-fetched at this point, considering all the gruesome deaths he had seen. He knew it was the grief talking and the pressure from her new position, but still, it unnerved him to see someone he always knew was filled with life looking so dead inside.
“You meant a lot to him, Hange-san,” Jean replied, trying to keep the emotion from his voice. You meant a lot to him more than anyone in this world, if he were being completely honest. “We always want to keep the people we care about safe, sometimes even if it means sacrificing our lives. He will always live on, in you — in us. You don’t have to carry this burden alone.”
Jean didn’t really know what he was saying — the words he uttered felt meaningless in the grand scheme of things — but he knew they were words that needed to be said. After reading those things, well, he felt as if he needed to give her as much assurance as possible.
The commander gave him a tight-lipped smile, her remaining eye tearing up. She approached him, and it was only then Jean finally noticed how she had a slight limp in her step. How her shoulders were tight and slumped forward. She placed a hand on his shoulder and nodded at him. “Thank you, Jean. You don’t know how much that means to me. You’re a great kid and I hope you know that you’ve proven to be an invaluable asset to not only the Survey Corps but to humanity as well. And,” Jean met her eye and his chest tightened once again in seeing it glimmer with a sense of pride, “thank you for cleaning Moblit’s room. I could have done it myself but…”
“I understand, Hange-san,” Jean said, his voice surprisingly reassuring despite the overwhelming amount of emotions he felt. She finally said his name. “I really do.”
The commander smiled a little brighter this time — the most genuine one yet, “Thank you.” and Jean felt that statement didn’t only apply to this situation. “Once we settle everything with Zackley, I’ll let you kids take a much-needed break. You mentioned your mother lives in Trost, is that right?”
“Yes, along with the rest of my family,” Jean replied, the prospect of seeing his mother again warming him up. He still wasn’t able to visit her due to the situation at hand, but he was eager to finally do so. He had always been reluctant in the past due to his embarrassment, but now he understood how superficial those fears were. He was so lucky, luckier than most, that he still had a family to go back to at the end of the day.
The commander nodded before squeezing his shoulder. “Make sure the rest of your squad finishes up their reports, alright? I want them on my desk tomorrow morning.”
“Understood, Hange-san.” Jean nodded in return, offering her a small smile.
She finally stepped away and Jean took this opportunity to carefully walk to the door. However before he could open it, the commander called him once more.
“Don’t blame yourself over anything, alright?” she said, crossing her arms, her voice now laced with a sense of authority, “It was always my decision. It was always my responsibility. I hope you remember that.”
He felt a knife pierce at his heart from her words — the same words the captain had told him no less than twenty minutes ago. He recalled the letters he had read from the vice captain’s journal and Jean couldn’t help but smile at the thought. He wondered briefly if he should get Hange-san to leave for her meeting with Zackley first before opening up the book and reading through everything in it, something Jean was sure she was going to do once he left her alone. But how could he possibly tell her without causing suspicion? How could he possibly tell her that whatever she was about to read could potentially break her? More so than she already was?
He couldn’t, because he shouldn’t have read those things in the first place. He shouldn’t have let his curiosity get the best of him. So instead, he simply nodded and quietly muttered a “thank you” before leaving.
He went down the other hallway to make sure he wouldn’t come across captain Levi. He needed to clear his thoughts before he could face them anytime soon. Jean wondered what his reaction would be if he read those letters as well. He let out a large sigh. Either way, it couldn’t possibly be as bad as Hange-san’s.
*******
The next couple of days had been surprisingly normal enough. They had filed reports, went into countless meetings after the other to discuss the situation regarding what they had found in Shiganshina, all the while still sending letters to each family who had lost a member in the battle. He didn’t see much of the commander other than the times they had to present themselves to Zackley, during which she acted completely fine — delivering each line with that of a smooth and authoritative manner. Other than that, she was gone — either in her office or delivering each letter of condolence personally. When he heard of that, his respect for her had grown even more immensely. She was an unbelievably kind and compassionate leader, and Jean felt even more honored to be working with her.
The promised day-off eventually came. Hange-san could only give everyone three days, seeing as recruits were going to be entering the Corps soon which meant Jean and the rest of his friends had to work on training them. Either way, he was glad to be getting some time to spend with his family. His mother was for sure going to dote on him to no end, but surprisingly, he was looking forward to it.
Already dressed in his civilian attire with his carry-on pack by his shoulder, Jean made his way to the commander’s office once more to inform them of his departure. He had visited Sasha earlier at the hospital and was pleased to know that she would be discharged later today and would be going to her family straight after. He offered to wait for her and drop her off himself, still wary of her injury, but Connie had offered to do it in his place. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin having no place to go opted to go around town for the day, and Floch had already left to visit his own family which basically meant Jean was the only one left in headquarters.
He finally rounded the corner and was about to knock on the old wooden door when he heard a loud crash followed by a screaming match. He immediately stepped back, feeling his blood run cold at the sounds. Only two people could possibly be behind those doors, and he didn’t like that he was hearing any of these things right now. He was lucky that the doors were thick enough to muffle the details of their conversation or their screaming match, but he still picked up on certain sentences.
“He would know exactly what to do next!”
“You’re not supposed to be him! Don’t you understand that?!”
Should I just leave? Make a run for it? Hange-san would surely understand, Jean thought to himself, panic building up in his chest. He recalled that time in his childhood where his parents would fight over food or jobs or whatever adults had fought about. He always felt uncomfortable and disheartened, thinking his parents hated each other and would never get along again. He didn’t like seeing the ugly things that had transpired between them. However, before he could even decide, the door suddenly slammed open, but this time, instead of captain Levi, Hange-san came out, walking briskly and angrily. She didn’t even notice Jean standing there and moved past him, shoulders scrunched together, a frustrated hand running through her already messy hair.
“Oi! Hange!” captain Levi exclaimed, suddenly appearing by the door frame, running a hand through his hair as well. The bags under his eyes were deeper, as usual, his cravat loose around his neck. His cheeks were slightly flushed, but it was obvious it was not in a good way. He was about to kick the door frame when he finally noticed Jean.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
His voice was a little hoarse, and a chill ran down Jean’s spine as he took all of it in. This was too personal, this was none of his business, and so why was he getting roped in again?
“I was just about to report my departure to Hange-san—”
“Well, she’s obviously not here anymore,” the captain cut off in frustration, his eyes narrowing up at him. Jean didn’t like how he was seeing a new side to captain Levi, didn’t like seeing him so frustrated and lost. “Goddamnit what have I done…” he muttered to himself.
Jean could have just told him he was leaving. He could have just nodded and excused himself, headed straight to the stables, and made his way back to Trost. They would eventually forget about this incident as it would cool down, and all would be well.
But Jean remembered the letters. He remembered those words. He remembered her tired, broken expression from days ago. Jean knew what it was like to be a leader — to have people look up to you and count on you. He knew how it felt to think you weren't good enough, to think you weren’t special and how people shouldn’t trust you because you lacked certain skills or that you weren’t perfect enough. He looked at the captain, stared right into those intimidating gray eyes, and felt a surge of confidence within him.
“Captain, you know her better than anyone else,” Jean spoke, reiterating the Moblit Berner’s words, “What can I do to help her?”
The captain was slightly taken aback by Jean’s words. He raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms, studying him carefully. “Why are you—”
“Because I care about her.” Jean said firmly, “And I respect her. And I want to help.”
Captain Levi simply stared at him. Jean would be lying if he said he didn’t feel awkward. They were still soldiers, after all. Captain Levi was still his superior officer, and having heart-to-heart conversations was something they didn’t essentially do. There wasn’t any room for sharing feelings — it opened up vulnerability and that was something you couldn’t have out in the field. Especially since the battlefield they now had was much wider than before.
Jean was prepared to get shrugged off. He was prepared to leave without getting any answers. But the captain had sighed, fixed the cravat around his neck, and spoke softly: “Come inside.”
It was now Jean’s turn to be taken aback. Nevertheless, he followed the captain inside and was even more taken aback by the sight in front of him.
The commander’s desk and seat were turned upside down, forcibly, he presumed, with books and papers scattered around it. He stopped in the middle of the room and heard the captain sigh as he closed the door behind him. “Help me fix this shit, Jean. I can’t have this lying around here.”
Jean didn’t ask any more questions. He already knew the answers as to how this had happened. He wanted to know why, of course, to satisfy his curiosity, but at the same time, he didn’t. He dropped his satchel on the floor and proceeded to pick up the scattered papers and books, making sure not to step on them as much as possible. The captain also did the same, kneeling down and gathering everything in his arms. Once they were finished, they placed everything on the corner of the room, underneath the right window, and started to turn the desk upright once more. Jean took one side, the captain taking the other, and together they lifted and placed it back where it had originally sat. After which, Jean took the chair and pushed it back against it while the captain took the books and paper and placed everything neatly the desk. They worked in silence the entire time — the friction from their fight or whatever had happened in here a few moments ago, still lingered and Jean was afraid to pierce through it.
“I had served under two commanders,” the captain said suddenly as he filed through each piece of paper. Jean looked up and stared at him. “Shadis was alright — you already know most of his story anyway, but he was still a good leader. He had the drive, but still lacked some of the talents. And then Erwin came along…”
Captain Levi let out a deep sigh as he started inserting some of the papers in between the pages of a book. “Erwin... was a special man. He was one of the greatest assets to humanity. I don’t think I really need to tell you any more now, do I?”
He was right. Erwin Smith had been a special man. He was one of the greatest minds Jean had ever seen. He was an incredible strategist, an inspirational and respectable figure — all that and more. He had a feeling, however, that it wasn’t really about that. Jean was sure the captain just didn’t want to talk about him in general, at the moment. And really, who could blame him? Especially after what had happened on the rooftop?
Jean shook his head and looked down. A few tense seconds passed before the captain continued: “He never made any miscalculations. We all had a feeling Hange would be next in line and we had been right. Hange was the only one who had stood up to him, the one to push forward ridiculous and extreme ideas that could have gotten all of us killed. She thought differently and wanted to look at things from a different perspective. Hange…” at this, Jean looked up to see the captain’s expression light up, “was always the best choice. All of us knew this. All of us but her.”
He sighed and started to mindlessly look through some of the books now. “It’s not easy, being in her position. She thinks she doesn’t deserve it. But she does. I’ve been with Hange for a long time now, Jean. I know you brats are there, but we’re the only ones who just… have each other left. She was there when I had first entered the Corps and had been with me ever since. But Erwin and Moblit? They had been with her way before I was ever in the picture.”
It was the first time he had mentioned the vice captain’s name, and Jean had to stop himself from thinking too much about the letters again. One would think he’d get over it at this point, but it was much harder than he thought.
He continued once more: “Anyway, I’ve never been good with this shit, Jean. But you brats are just real nosey, huh?” he said, and Jean couldn’t tell if he was being serious or playful — maybe both. “The truth is, you being concerned and sticking your nose up to where it doesn’t belong is already helpful. You being here, following each command, and being the leader that you are is helpful. Just by staying alive, you’re already helpful. You, well, you’re already fucking helpful if you ask me. Hange knows this, and it may not look like it, but she’s thankful for all the little shit you and the brats do.”
It had taken him a few seconds to fully understand what the captain had meant, but he eventually did. Jean didn’t know what kind of answer he was expecting, but those words flowed through his heart and made him feel good inside. He didn’t realize he was already doing enough. He was just doing the bare minimum, wasn't he? But the captain had a point. If he continued to stay by their side, to stay by Hange-san’s side and follow her wherever she had lent them, then it could help erase the doubts she had regarding her position. Just by staying alive, he was helping her feel better. Just by being there for as long as possible — just like Moblit and Erwin, like captain Levi — was enough.
But he also had a feeling that the captain didn’t want him, or any of his friends, to worry about their situation. He couldn’t explain it, but those were just the sort of parents did for their children. And though Jean would probably never admit it, Hange-san and the captain were quickly stepping up to be parental figures to them already.
The captain finally took out a single piece of paper from the stacks and held it up slightly. Jean saw it had been the sketch of him and Hange-san, and he couldn’t help but smile at the sight.
“Vice-captain Moblit was really talented, wasn’t he?” Jean finally spoke up. The captain nodded in front of him and traced the outline of Hange-san’s smiling face on paper.
Captain Levi’s lips twitched a little upright. “He really was.”
*******
Though the journey back home was a long and tedious one, Jean was grateful to have had the time to himself to ponder on his thoughts. Captain Levi ordered him, or was it a friendly suggestion? not to speak about this to Hange-san. He then parted to look for her which enabled Jean to finally leave.
He thought a lot about the letters, about the myth Hange-san had told him days ago, about the captain’s words, and even about the late commander Erwin.
The sun was setting when he had arrived home. As he passed through the neighborhood he grew up in, he couldn't help but feel both excited and terrified. The threat of the titans was now over, right? But now they were facing an even bigger menace. Would his home be safe? Would the people they had fought so long to protect inside the walls be safe?
“Jean-boy!”
He turned and saw her face. She stood at the front of their house which surprisingly looked the same after all this time. She was excitedly waving her hand, and once he got closer, he saw that tears were falling from her eyes. Once he stopped in front of her, he quickly dismounted his horse and enveloped him in her arms.
“You’ve grown so big! Oh my boy!” she exclaimed, clutching the back of his shirt and pressing her face against his chest. Jean hugged her back eagerly and tried his best not to let his emotions take over. But it had been a long couple of days. His body still ached from the battle, his brain was consumed by too many thoughts, and his heart still grieved the lives of all of the people they had lost. He couldn’t believe he had taken her warmth and comfort for granted so many times. Who did he think he was, trying to shove her out of his life because he didn’t want to be embarrassed?
“I’m home, mom,” he said, finally closing his eyes and inhaling her scent. She laughed happily before disentangling herself a little, looking up at him to study his face. Her eyes were watery, the lines around them having deepened. Her hair also started to have gray streaks and Jean felt his heart ache at the sight of her much older form. “I have your favorite already waiting for you in the kitchen. I also cleaned your room so you better change and wash up before we eat dinner, alright? I’m so glad you’re here my Jean-boy.” she said, hugging him again.
He truly was home.
*******
A wave of nostalgia hit him the moment he had entered his childhood room. True to her word, everything was neat and tidy. His bed was made, desk free of any clutter, and the window was left a little open to let some of the breezes go in. He exhaled, closing the door behind him and moving to lay on his bed. He was both physically and emotionally exhausted and wanted nothing more now than to close his eyes and sleep. He wondered what the others were doing at this very moment. They had been through together so much that it felt weird not to have any of them near him. It was probably the first time in a long time he was going to sleep in his bed, in his own room, without anyone else around. Letting out a deep sigh, he willed himself to stand up, grab the satchel he had brought with him, and place the contents atop his desk.
As he rummaged through his things, he wondered if there was something he still could do for Hange-san. Though he took the captain’s words to heart, he couldn’t help but feel like doing something for her either way. Something that wasn’t too outrageous that would give her the wrong idea. Something that he himself would do, something that was uniquely his. Afterall, the captain said that just by doing what he did, he would be able to help. He eventually found his answer when he opened one of the drawers of his desk and found his old sketches and art supplies from long ago.
He immediately stopped what he was doing and gingerly took out his old artworks. The passion he felt was still there, tingling the back of his neck as he stared at the portrait of the woman he had seen in his dreams. His lips tightened as he realized that the woman he had drawn resembled Mikasa so much. He really only had eyes for her from the very beginning, huh? Shaking his head, he looked through some of his old work and realized then and there exactly what he needed to do.
He may not be as good as the vice-captain, but it was the least he could do. Besides, maybe once he went through with this little project, he would finally be able to release all his thoughts about this matter. He was relieved to see there was still some paper and pencils left. Nodding his head, he closed the window, placed the papers back down, and proceeded to change into a cleaner and much more comfortable shirt. He’ll have time to do this later after dinner. But for now, there some much-needed time to be spent with his family.
*******
He found himself back in front of the commander’s office once again, days later. This time, he carried with him two scrolls of paper. He stopped and listened intently, making sure no one was arguing behind the doors before knocking.
He let himself in the moment he heard Hange-san’s voice. She was seated behind her desk, finally sporting a dark patch on her injured eye. “Ah, welcome back, Jean. Did you need anything from me?” she asked as Jean closed the door behind him.
“I just came by to drop some things off for you, Hange-san,” he spoke lightly, feeling incredibly nervous. He scratched the back of his head as he approached her quietly.
She looked so much better this time around. She had discarded her military coat and her bolo tie was tied securely around her neck for the world to see. Her glasses were impeccably clean and gleamed when she looked up at him, her hair nicely framing her face. She seemed much more relaxed, and it didn’t feel like when she was going through meetings and such where she acted fine. This time, she actually did look genuinely alright and at peace.
Jean wondered how she and the captain had spent those three days. He had a feeling, once again, that they had spent it together. He could tell that the captain had something to do with the improved state she was currently in. Either way, Jean was happy to see her like this.
“I… had seen vice-captain Moblit’s sketches,” Jean started right off at the bat, not wanting to make a bigger deal out of this than it already was. He saw more than the sketches, of course, but she didn’t need to know that. The commander didn’t look upset or surprised, which made Jean continue: “And I had been sort of an artist too, you see, but obviously not as good as him.”
He carefully handed her the two scrolls of paper, and she raised an eyebrow before taking it from his grasp. “When I returned home and saw my old work, I realized that I wanted to do something for you, Hange-san. No one put me up to this, and I hope, for my sake, you don’t tell the others.”
He added that last part, a light blush dusting his cheeks. If any of his friends found out about his old hobby, they would tease him to no end and demand to see some of his old work.
She carefully inspected the two scrolls before putting down the second one and gingerly opening the first. She gasped, her hand flying straight to her mouth as she looked on and stared at the portrait in front of her.
“Oh Jean…” she said, her voice cracking with emotion, “I can’t believe you did this.”
Jean had a pretty good memory of things. He remembered the vice captain’s worried, concerned face. He remembered the former commander’s authoritative expression. And of course, how could he forget captain Levi’s tiny smirk or Hange-san’s bright eyes?
It felt awkward, putting those visions on paper. He felt his heart clench at the sight of his portraits. But he powered through, and Hange-san’s expression made it all worth it.
She traced her fingers over the etched lines. She lingered, he noticed, over commander Erwin’s and vice-captain Moblit’s face. She smiled and laughed brightly as tears now streamed from her remaining eye. Jean had drawn them all together, side by side, arms around one another. It had been a product of his imagination, but he had to admit it wasn’t as bad as he thought.
“Why? How?” she said, her voice breaking. She placed down the paper and gently removed her glasses to wipe some of the tears from her face.
Jean looked down and shuffled his feet, “He never really had any portraits of all of you together. I thought well, that shouldn’t be the case.”
“Do I even want to know what’s in the other one?” she said teasingly before clearing her throat and putting her glasses back on. Her smile was absolutely infectious, and Jean was happy it was seemingly etched permanently onto her face.
“I think you do,” he said, clearing his throat as well. That particular portrait was the first one he had finished, and he loved how it had turned out. He was also grateful for the creative outlet. He had to admit, he missed indulging in these kinds of things. Who knew when the next time he’d be able to do something like this again?
Hange-san laughed — a bright and beautiful melody that continued to light up the room. She shifted her attention to the unopened scroll, picked it up, and proceeded to unroll it. However, unlike the first one, she remained silent, her eyes widening at the sight. A few minutes had passed before she pursed her lips, her fingers shaking a little, before rolling it back up and setting it back down on her desk. She studied Jean carefully, and he could tell that perhaps she was picking up on the idea that he may have read those letters. Nevertheless, she stood up, shook her head, and quickly strolled to him and hugged him.
“Thank you, Jean,” she said after a few seconds, and Jean allowed himself to snake his hands behind her and hug her back. He closed his eyes and a small part of him reprimanded himself for being so soft, for sticking his nose into other people’s business, for doing all of these rather embarrassing things. But life was short. He needed to express his feelings to others before it was too late. He needed to tell people he cared about them before it was too late. He felt the magnitude of her gratitude from those small, common words. From the way she had tightly clutched the back of his shirt. They pulled away — the hug being a rather brief and short thing, just as captain Levi entered the room.
“What are you two doing?” he asked, closing the door behind him and crossing his arms. Jean turned around to see a curious and wary expression on his face. Hange-san laughed behind him, and Jean then and there witnessed how the captain softened at the sound. His shoulders relaxed, his lips parted slightly, and his eyes gleamed in wonder.
“Nothing,” Hange-san sang as she approached him. “Are you ready to go?”
“The horses are already waiting for us,” the captain said gruffly, but Jean could tell he was pleasantly surprised by the commander’s tone and attitude. “What are you and Jean—”
“I’ll tell you later, okay?” she spoke heartily, moving to grab her civilian coat from the coat stand by the door. “We’ll be meeting with some of the press, alright Jean? We’ll be back later tonight. I believe Levi over here is planning on cooking for everyone.”
“Oi! That was supposed to be a secret!” the captain exclaimed, his eyes sneering at her. Hange-san shrugged before approaching Jean and laying a hand on his shoulder. She smiled at him once again which Jean reciprocated. She whispered another “thank you” before patting his head affectionately. “Please don’t tell the others, Hange-san,” he spoke quietly, only for her to hear.
“I won’t.” she assured, “But you have to know that I can’t keep anything from this grump right here,” she said, her head tilting towards the captain’s direction.
“What are you idiots talking about?” the captain eyed suspiciously, moving to approach them.
“I know.” Jean scoffed, his eyes gleaming. Hange-san nodded before swiftly looping her arm around the captain’s and dragging him out the room. “Come on! We’re going to be late!”
Jean followed them out the door and saw their figures moving down the hallway. Captain Levi stopped her suddenly as if asking her once again what she and Jean had been doing. The commander laughed before patting his head affectionately which then made the captain gently kick her leg. He then started to inspect her coat, straightening it out before buttoning the front. Jean shook his head at the soft and sweet gesture in front of him. He looked back inside the office to where the drawings he had and quietly went back in and approached the desk.
He carefully lifted the second scroll and opened it. He didn’t really know what kind of reaction he was expecting from Hange-san, but so far she didn’t really give away anything obvious. He was certain that she had read those letters. But it felt as if she just wanted to move on from them, and thinking about it, that would be the best course of action wasn’t it?
He stared at the portrait. They weren’t really close by any standards. Thinking about it, they probably just had two or three conversations the entire time Jean had known him. But his utter devotion was enough to catch anyone’s attention. Jean hoped he was able to catch them and had translated it properly on paper. There were hundreds of sketches of Hange-san and everyone else, but there weren’t any of just them together. He had drawn him the way he knew him — face scrunched up in concern as he looked onto her. He had a hand placed on her shoulder, and Hange-san was laughing at whoever was in front of her.
Slowly, with his other hand that wasn’t holding the portrait, Jean placed a fist over his heart in a salute.
Thank you for dedicating your heart.
*******
Dear Buntaichou,
I’ve decided to start writing to you like this in the event I should get a heart attack and die from your irresponsibility. I also needed to let out my frustration through a healthy matter. I really don’t understand as to why you would charge headfirst into a forest, all by yourself, and try to capture a titan. How you managed to get away with screaming at the commander and still having all your limbs attached today is a miracle. I’m glad Captain Levi and his squad were able to intervene and help stop you from getting eaten. I’m glad you’re okay. At this time, you’re currently locked in your room, devouring whatever is inside the notebook you found. Maybe you’ll finally be able to convince commander Erwin with your discoveries? Still, you could have died. No matter how much I try to stop you, you always try and go at it, huh?
That was so very stupid of you. How are you so brilliant and stupid at the same time?
— Moblit
*******
Dear Buntaichou,
DID YOU REALLY ALMOST FALL OFF THE WALL?! I’m so glad my grandmother forbade me to curse because I would have exclaimed a variety of colorful language at you during that entire situation.
It was our first test run of your titan capturing method, and all would have been well if you weren’t leaning too far and, I don’t know, SLIPPED?
It was a good thing captain Levi had incredible reflexes and had gotten to you just in time. He seems very attuned to whenever you put yourself in danger, isn’t he? I could have sworn he was just waiting for something bad to happen. I also could have sworn I was going to get a heart attack then and there.
Why are you so reckless and stupid? Great, now I feel bad for calling you that. But hey, I need to let it out, okay? Don’t take it personally. But then again, captain Levi pretty much calls you that daily and you seem to find it endearing.
I’m also so worried about when we start experimenting on titans. By the walls, you’re not going to make it easy for me, are you? Just please don’t die.
— Moblit
*******
Dear Buntaichou,
I knew you weren’t going to make things easy for me. I have to admit, you giving names to those titans was pretty strange — but it was still rather cute. Only if you weren’t going crazy about it.
I feel like I say that as if it’s a new thing. But then again, back in our training days, you were relatively calm. You always indulge yourself in books and go out of your way to try and learn new things. Those were nice and calm days, weren’t they? You’ve always piqued my interest from the very beginning especially since you were the only one who pronounced our instructor’s name wrong.
Why am I bringing this up? Anyway, if this is the last letter you read it means that I was eaten by Albert or whoever that other titan was. We can’t afford to lose you, you know? That’s one of the things I’ve learned so far anyway. That some lives in the Survey Corps matter more than the others, and I would gladly get eaten by a titan if it means you’d live another day.
I don’t mean to make you feel guilty or anything of the sort. This is just how I feel.
— Moblit
*******
Dear Buntaichou,
How do you do it? It seems you’re the only person (besides commander Erwin, well, it’s a given) who has full control over captain Levi. You’ve managed to persuade him to capture a titan for you, and though he complained about it, he still did it anyway.
Since you’ll never get these letters while I’m still alive, I can probably be as honest as possible.
I think that he has feelings for you.
Now, I hope by the time you read this, he’s made it obvious to you by then. And I know it seems like a stretch, cause well, he’s captain Levi and everything and he doesn’t seem like he’s capable of those types of emotions, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you.
I think it started when you ran off to the forest and he followed you. I read the reports of what had happened, and it seemed he was really shaken. We also work a lot with their squad, so there’s a lot of room for things to blossom then I suppose.
I know I sound incredibly foolish. And I’m telling you right now, I’m completely sober as I write this. But it’s just something I can tell, something that doesn’t seem too far-fetched. He cares about you a lot.
Now I need a drink. I don’t know what’s going on with me.
— Moblit
*******
Dear Buntaichou,
I think you have feelings for captain Levi.
This is an even more outrageous claim than the one in my previous entry, and because I’m always glued to your side, I feel like I know more than others do.
It’s been a while since I wrote my thoughts on here. It’s been a rough couple of days? Weeks? I forgot. So much has happened. I don’t want to delve too much into the details but essentially, we had engaged with the female titan outside the walls, then inside Stohess district, then the armored and colossal titan. I also finished investigating Ragako — Connie Springer’s village. I haven’t had enough rest these days. A lot of us haven’t. And though I feel incredibly exhausted and want to make use of these couple of days of peace before we head onto Trost, I felt like jotting some of the things I had witnessed between you and the captain.
I know this is really silly of me. But forgive me again, this is the only outlet I have. Don’t worry, I’ve already jotted down the important findings in the middle pages of this journal/sketchbook. But I’m starting to feel things myself. Feelings I didn’t know I could feel either.
Anyway, you had visited him when he was still in the hospital, getting some treatment for his injured leg. You had dismissed me that day, saying you were going to him.
I also had caught you lending him one of your jackets. And though he had protested, he still eagerly wore it.
Not to mention the number of times I had caught you making tea for him. How did I know? Well, no one else touched the tin of black tea in the mess hall but Captain Levi. So it had been an easy assumption.
There are a lot more instances, but I can’t seem to bring myself to put them on paper. I don’t know why — maybe there are just too many, maybe I just don’t want to recall them. I think maybe both.
Either way, it seems as if you two have feelings for one another now. I’m glad. I’m also glad that you’re okay, that you’re alive, that you’re still here. Hopefully, that will continue to last long.
— Moblit
*******
Dear Hange-san,
I think… that this will be my last letter.
I know it’s been a long time since I last updated this series of letters (we haven’t exactly had a lot of free time) and as we are preparing to return to Shiganshina, I felt the need to address everything here and now. Seeing as there’s a high probability I might not make it back.
The moment I first met you back when we were cadets in the Training Corps, you had captured my attention almost immediately. Your hair had been way shorter back then so there wasn’t any need to tie it up into a ponytail. Other than that, your eyes always remained bright, your laugh was always infectious. When you had told me back then how you wanted to see the world beyond the walls, I had thought you to be crazy. My family had always wanted me to enlist in the Garrison, especially since I had a lot of relatives there. But the moment you started talking about what life could be like, about different plants and trees, about different types of animals — the way you had smiled up at me and used your hands excessively to discuss your points — I knew then and there that I would follow you wherever you went.
Going into the Survey Corps was absolutely terrifying. But being with you, helping you, and staying by your side had made it worth it.
The amount of times you almost died, the amount of times you had put yourself in danger is just too much to count. The number of times you had made me worried — well, let’s just say I’m glad my heart didn’t suffer any complications. Or maybe it has and I just don’t know.
Seriously, you’re too reckless sometimes, you know? But I can’t help but admire you still. You do it because you desire to change because you want to understand our natural enemies. You’re the only one I’ve met who thinks that way, and people have mentioned more than once that you’re really crazy, and perhaps they’re right, but you’re also the most brilliant of all of them combined.
And because of this, you have captured my heart.
I’m sure there are more reasons, but I can’t find it in me to talk about all of them. I don’t know why this happened, how this happened, or if I was too obvious. But knowing you, you probably wouldn’t know if someone had romantic feelings for you even if it hit you straight in the face. After all, this is exactly what’s going on between you and captain Levi.
I know for certain now that he loves you. I had a hunch before, but I know now. I could tell by the nicknames he gave you, from how angry he was when you fell during our battle, how he went to visit you, multiple times, after that incident. How when he sees me alone in the corridor or something, he always asks about you. How in every mission we go, he always looks at you, as if he’s engraving your image into his memory should one of you not make it. How he captured a titan for you. How he knows how you take your tea and how he always goes to your side for comfort. How he basically forces you to take a bath. How he just knows you and understands your entirety as a human being.
It all makes sense now. I suppose, if you didn’t pay attention much to it, you’d think it was something else entirely. Just a comrade looking out for another comrade. But his eyes, oh his eyes always say otherwise. He loves you and I hope by the time you read this, you’re well aware of that fact.
And I also hope you’re well aware that you love him too.
I could tell by how you tease him almost to no end. By how you always talk about him, either positively or negatively. How you just know when he's around as if you have a keen sense just for him. How you translate his words for others (he’s not very good at those). How even when he’s fuming angry or irritated, you seem to be the only one who can get him to calm down. How you had visited him multiples times after his injury. How you just knew all that information about him living with Kenny the Ripper as if you two had discussed the life he had led before. How you know exactly how he takes his tea. How you always make it a point to celebrate his birthday despite our lack of funds. How you just know him and trust him so well.
You love him, Hange-san. You love him so much. Dare I say you love him as equally if not more as your titans and your research. What you two have is something so special I doubt anyone inside the walls has the same kind of bond.
I wanted that with you.
You both deserve happiness together. But I know that’s not possible. Especially with the world we live in.
I just wanted you to know this before it’s too late. I want you to know that should I never come back by your side, that you always have him. That he treasures you. Perhaps… even more than I do.
Enclosed in this journal are all the findings in research we collected through the years. And so are these letters. And so are some… portraits I had done myself. I hope you like them.
If you’re reading this, then that means you have survived and may or may not be the new commander. Hange-san, I hope you remember that you are life itself, that you are so brilliant and amazing, and that you continue to give others an inexpressible joy. You have enriched my life (despite almost killing me multiple times). I know you will do a fantastic job as commander. That’s because, well, you’re you. You’re Hange. I wish I could elaborate more but it is what it is.
There’s so much more I want to say. So much more I want to tell you. But there isn’t any time nor can I bring myself to put any of it on paper. You also should be expecting me on the training grounds in a couple of minutes from now to continue Eren’s experiments. So I suppose, I’ll just leave you with this:
… I love you.
Sincerely, Moblit Berner.
#i should probably stop turning every single ask into a fic cause this is taking forever#if i haven’t replied yet it’s cause it takes me a while to write and sometimes idk what to say but yeah i didn’t ignore you lovelies 🥺😤#hallelujah#i'm really proud of this one#though i feel like the stuff i write these days aren't as levihan centric as i'd like#well anyway#jean kirschtien#hange zoe#hanji zoe#hange#hanji#levi#levi ackerman#moblit berner#fanfiction#fanfic#fic#angst#attack on titan#shingeki no kyojin#my work#ask box
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