#maybe im supposed to be alone

[deva-26]

#found on pinterest #vintage comics #aro #ace #aroace #aromanitc #bedtime thoughts #maybe im supposed to be alone #overthinking #maybe it doesn’t exist #maybe I was once a gale of wind… #reality check #accept it dammit…😑 #i love my bed #the blankets are so soft #maybe I should call my bed love #🤔 #falling in love #that would be about right

[rewrite-canon]

im going crazy with how people are starting to agree with snow that sejanus was really stupid and deserved what was coming to him. reading the books first should be a pre requisite to the movie idcccc if that takes away the wider audience, the wider audience all have smooth brains anyway.

“why was he colluding with rebels when he could’ve just thought about it pragmatically 🙄” i’m in your fucking walls. sejanus was never dumb, snow just kept pushing that perception of him through the book to deflect the fact that sejanus was an actual good person. snow thought himself the personification of good and benevolence, which was why everything he did had to have some half-assed excuse as to why he was justified in doing it. it was why he was actually tweaking in the woods when lucy gray left him, because he wanted to rid himself of her but he didn’t have an actual reason so he convinced himself of the most random scenario ever to justify trying to shoot at her. so we can establish that snow was an evil broke boy who clearly wasn’t good— then sejanus was a direct confrontation of snow’s own shortcomings towards that (i don’t think i have to detail how sejanus was genuine, it was obvious). coriolanus and sejanus are like the direct opposite characters of each other, and snow knew and took pride in this to an extent. which is why snow couldn’t admit that sejanus was good to himself, thus sejanus was deemed ‘stupid’ to protect his own deluded self actualisation (but this also includes other aspects like how the war made the plinths rich and the snows poor, leading to resentment and jealousy from snow).

“but that still didn’t mean he wasn’t doing dumb things throughout the book” was it really that dumb? a rebellion will always include some level of risk but i don’t hear anyone calling heavensbee stupid because it actually worked out for him. plus sejanus is district, so if we use our common sense of who he is as a character and emotional intelligence of his situation, it’s pretty easy to see why he would get in touch with rebels. he’s literally always yearned for the districts, he never once cared about his money or safety, which isn’t stupid, it’s sad. this was his way of dealing with the guilt of profiting from his people’s suffering— again, not stupid. you could argue he was reckless, especially when he went into the arena, but most people who simply cast him as a ‘dumb character’ ignore how troubled he is and fall into the very filtered lens of snow who was just concentrating on his stupidity.

sejanus’ growing radical actions had nothing to do with stupidity and everything to do with feeling helpless and like nothing was changing. he tried minor/low-risk things such as attempting to change the perception of the districts in the capitol, advocating against the hunger games etc etc. of course it didn’t work, so his options grew limited to more radical courses of action. its a natural line of thought— activists literally do it in real life when they feel as if their cause isn’t getting enough attention (eg. setting themselves on fire). sejanus is a desperate character who is so selfless in light of snow’s constant self-preservation. snow will always put himself first and be paranoid that he will be betrayed like he’s betrayed others, so he never understands sejanus’ disposition to help and trust people, so he labels him dumb. omg. like. sejanus is so not-stupid i’m actually gonna start freaking out!! this is defamatory leave my boo alone!! plz go read a book and work on media literacy i am begging!!!

#maybe the stupidity was the friends we made along the way….. #i saw someone say that since the book was in third person then it wasn’t told from snow’s pov so it was reliable 💀💀 #like are we stupid now??? #this was supposed to be a short post but now im ranting and tweaking out #sejanus haters catch these handz leave this boy alone #he is literally the best!!! i hate yall sm 😭😭 #some of yall have the WORST takes about tbosas ever. #dont even get me started on the ‘lucy gray was manipulating and using snow the whole time’ bcuz i will freak out worse #sejanus plinth defender 4EVAAAAA #sejanus plinth #coriolanus snow #snowjanus #lucy gray baird #tbosas #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #thg #the hunger games #rewriting

[oatbugs]

pls i need to provide updates

#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year #and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire #and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f #friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl #acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what #are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and #friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me! #LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after #everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to #invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me #i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother #and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids #so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo #any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷‍♀️ #but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd #and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk #THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date #w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a #few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay #scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK #like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl #like is that even doable #but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much #.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us #god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x #but it would be soooo funny #I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed #popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x #i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like #its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe

[beneaththegildedmoon]

Baking baby Guinness cupcakes to cope with finishing Life With Althaar on that crazy cliffhanger only to realise there isn't any more yet 😭

#life with althaar #obvs not complaining #from what i can find online the crew have been having a hell of a time the past few years #but it does seem like they are planning to finish it when they can #so i will just have to wait as patiently as i can #i now understand the vaguely ominous warnings from those of you who were listening as it first came out though lol #nothing to do in the meantime but relisten on repeat i suppose #because the hyperfixation isnt dying out anytime soon #and maybe make some kind of fanart if i get the motivation to draw again i guess #i am still definitely about to get all my irl friends listening to it so i dont have to suffer alone though lol #they will thank me in the end im sure

[samdeancrimespree]

idk whose post this is originally and i know this moment was kinda played for laughs in-show but like. they are good enough at hunting animals to find and kill food to eat on a new fucking planet.

they are …. So calm in this situation. they each have their tasks and jobs and they complete them in an orderly fashion, barely even having to talk, like they have a routine for being alone in the middle of the woods. we don’t ever see them doing this, but they must’ve done it before.

at which age do you think john winchester decided his sons needed to learn how to fend for themselves in the Real World and left them in the woods with bows and arrows and knives and said “i’ll be back in 4 days.” cause i’m gonna say 10 and 14? dean might’ve been out on his own before that, with the vague excuse of “training” given to sam to explain his brothers 2 day absence. it was a semi-frequent, maybe quarterly thing throughout their childhoods. obviously not on a Schedule so they never knew when to expect it, but they were always kind of waiting for it. it was just A Thing They Did, just like everything else. a way to prove they were retaining all their training. this was the winchester version of a camping trip. for the first couple years, sam didn’t even know this wasn’t what camping normally meant. he just knew he really hated camping.

one time, john got distracted by a hunt and left them in the alaskan wilderness in october for almost two weeks. one time, john forgot it was sam’s birthday and dean spent any spare time he had looking for cool rocks and leaves to give sam, and promised he’d give him his real presents when they got back. one time, dean got attacked by a goddamn cougar in colorado and sam patched him up and wondered what the tentative friends he had made last week were learning in their tenth grade class. and he hated john but almost cried with relief when he came to get them. dean did almost all the hunting because the very first camping trip, sammy shot a rabbit in the leg and sobbed as it slowly bled to death, and dean never wanted to see that type of anguish again. he hated killing the animals too, but he could do it, because sammy had to eat. he knew john would question it if sam hadn’t improved his skills, so they would set up makeshift archery ranges to practice. and in his reports to john, dean would always give half the kills to sam.

over time, as they got more skilled, john would give them less and less supplies, until at the end they only had a couple weapons each, rope, matches, and a first aid kit. and bobby thought when the boys spent one summer building a fort but refusing the tools he offered them, they were finally being regular kids.

#maybe this is why they wear so many layers…. #ready for any weather without warning #the first time sam goes camping. and he’s freaking out but dean is so calm #and he realizes that deans been doing this #and then he’s just. happy that he’s here now too. and tries not to think about how scared he would be if he was alone #and he becomes the Most helpful little camping buddy. doesn’t let dean see how freaked he is #and pretending to be ok actually helps him #but mostly it’s ok because dean is here. his big brother smile assuringly and drops stones in a path to the closest berry bush #‘don’t wander off sammy’ and sam rolls his eyes because he’s supposed to #but he just thinks. where would he wander to? why would he? #and they develop whistles and call signs #and sometimes… on the days when it’s not raining… sam thinks he doesn’t mind this so much #im emo about them #anyway #samdean #teenchesters #raised by wolves #mars.txt #ouroboros #hc #pre series

[benetnvsch]

ok so,, I didn't plan on sharing this at first bc it was part of a silly warmup but once again I find it so funny that im sharing it- it is a redraw of that one catcrumb image (just look up the text but with purple) - one of The Images Ever I love it-

#CAN y'all tell finals is really getting me? #gotta write a 1k essay abt a personalized yoga routine and I just #do not wanna do it and so im drawing Kunikida instead #expect more Kunikida art I am just very distracted atm DKJDKJ- #I prommy I will get to the rest of y'all requests #:catnod: #anyway- #kite draws #kite watches bsd #bsd #bungou stray dogs #kunikida doppo #Kunikida deserves to lose her shit- as a treat #autocorrect keeps on smiting my tags leave me alone #meme #vagued in my last post I had a Kunikida piece to share and this is Not IT dw- I have a better one I mayyyy finish in a few hours? #maybes tomorrow? who knows #ALSO ?? wtf color is Kunikida's hair? I always thought it was greenish but like?? idk :< #ik it's Not Supposed to be greenish but like- #green

[dailynakaharachuuya]

(just some thoughts about things, I think its rather long so you don't have to read ❤️❤️)

#(sorry for the sudden post but hmmm) #(I cant tell if I am just not into bsd as much as other people) #(or if its simply bc Im just not as opinionated) #(the current story arc has gotten so far and like woah that I don't feel like super excited or shocked whenever there's a new update) #(either that or seeing everyones complaints about everything kinda dampens the excitement) #(tbh I really enjoyed up to like the guild arc but once it got into the whole like fyodor business my brain stopped) #(its interesting but maybe I just like happy endings too much haha) #(I dont talk to anyone in the fandom but I feel like it is very negative( #(hence the reason why I dont really interact outside of posting these drawings every once in a while) #(I like slice of life stuff I suppose and all this is too much haha I much prefer bsd wan honestly) #(itd probably be easier to just ignore the fandom or so) #(but its a bit difficult to do when I wanna see cool art and cool ideas too) #(I dont know) #(maybe bc I dont remember much from the manga but I dont feel as negative as others) #(sorry this was really long hahaha) #(I think I just dont want to feel alone again) #(though I dont have any mutuals so I guess I kinda already am haha) #(🌟🌟 it makes me happy if even one person likes my drawings or ideas) #(makes me feel like I can do it) #(and not feel so negative about something I quite enjoy!)

[bisaster-energy]

im not even done my current kuwameshi fic and im already getting ideas about new ones...

#kuwameshi #give me a sec i'll reblog later with the actual idea but like #WHAT IF UM KUWAMESHI BUT UM. PRINCESS BRIDE AU... #i also have another song fic idea but it's way sillier than the one i have on ao3 #based off you me and steve by garfunkel and oates #i got the idea cos i just remembered when yusuke got back from training with genkai the 1st time and instead of a 1 on 1 date with keiko #kuwabara is also? there? and it's just so funny to me like what. and then they're supposed to all 3 go to the movies together? #AND WHEN THEY GET THERE THE 2 BOYS DITCH KEIKO?? for a mission yeah but she doesn't know that!! #and then yusuke and keiko actually go on a date alone and it gets interrupted cos of younger toguro #and shortly after kuwabara shows up so it looks like he was bound to come across them?? #as far as a i remember the next time yu and keiko get together alone is the day he tells her to just wait and she's like im literally #not gonna wait for you <3 and it was so funny she just walked off lmaoo #anyway im trying to say i wanna make a silly little fic addressing the fact that keiko is like. pursuing her crush on yusuke #but kuwabara is kinda just. always there and it's fun she does like him but it's just awkward #planning on having her ask kuwa to maybe give her and yusuke some time alone like maybe just avoid their next outing #and kuwa is like oh damn :( ok good luck and yusuke shows up to the date and he's like woah wait. where tf is kuwabara? #keiko is like bruh. and she makes up some shit about him mentioning that he felt sick or wtv and yusuke is like ''then y are we here? #i should check on him. i dont think that guy has even been put outta commission by anything but my fist!'' and keiko just follows him #cos what else can she do. and kuwa is fine ofc and yusuke is like bro what gives i thought you were sick and kuwa is dense sometimes but he #catches on from keiko's desperate look and he's like well i got better *flexes his arm* and yu is like i knew you were too dumb to catch #a cold. and he's stupid happy that kuwa is fine and can come with them after all ''hey he's fine ya hear that keiko'' #and then keiko is watching this whole exchange eyes blown wide open and she's like actually i just remembered i have plans #you two should totally go without me tho and yu agrees so easily that it just solidifies that she made the right call #kuwa is looking back at her all confused and she gives HIM the good luck thumbs up. he gets as red as his hair and #yusuke is worried he really is coming down with something

[clits-and-clips]

Didn't wake up bawling my eyes out today so that's a plus

#txt #starting my tags with that now cause some didnt end up in my txt tag maybe cause there were so many other tags in front of it #idk either that or tumblr is just glitchy #anyway #sounds so stupid and naive but i dont want to stop crying so hard because #that means im like dealing with it #and moving on #which i dont wang #want* #i want it to all be a dream #or for him to just snap and go wait i want to be with her what am i doing #idk #:/ #i miss holding him so much #its had been summer so we didnt cuddle much for the past 3 months #so im like deprived already ahaha #and my anxiety with sex meant we didnt do that much cause we were literally never home alone #and we were supposed to go to a hotel on the 10th for two nights for alone time #didnt get to have that #it huuuuurtsssss #:(

[orcelito]

I just desperately miss being able to be silly at work y'all my boss has been so staunch about no downtime ever and it's really cramping my style 😭😭😭

#speculation nation #im putting in my 2 weeks soon anyways so this wont matter before too long #but just thinking about how he constantly complains about us sitting and chatting when theres nothing to do #like BROOOOO im doing my job im finishing my tasks just sometimes there's nothing to do!!! #or maybe im tired and wanna sit a bit did u think of that??? #i cant even rly take breaks bc of the structure of how he has shifts happen #bc hes a stingy ass who cant spring for more than one or two people on shift Most of the time #how am i supposed to take breaks when im alone on shift or working with a trainee????? bitch #thinking many uncharitable things about him. let me fuckin chill sometimes god Damn

[soldier-poet-king]

Ughhhhh

Like tried to open the "hey I'm thinking abt moving out" discussion and it just. Hm

- why leave when you can save so much money living here

- implications of them being hurt because I'm leaving more because this house is slowly killing me and less because of my horrific 2.5hr daily commute

- I need to live in a community again. I can't do suburbs anymore. Even urban loneliness is better than this. At least there are people about. I can go pop into little shops. Join a club. Deadass wandering around a mall would feel less isolating than this. ANYTHING

- unspoken but present "no one in our family has moved out until they got married", ESP for the women on my mother's side, and even then they moved literally down the street and formed a weird codependent dysfunctionional situation that I can't seem to extricate myself from

- it's expensive but I am going to kill someone and then myself if I have to stay here longer. I haven't had a life since 2020. And yeah partially that's covid and even more so it's Living Here and slowly dying a bit everyday after having been free and on my own for 8 yrs

- I spent those 8 yrs putting myself back together slowly and figuring out who I wanted and needed to be and within a year of being back I came the closest to forced involuntary psychiatric hold that I've ever been and I don't think that's a coincidence. The move is not entirely to blame. But it's hard to help myself in an environment like this one. I'm going to need a whole lifetime to piece myself back together and I still don't think it'll ever sit right or be whole again

- but if I leave who'll look out for bro 3. The baby. The sensitive one. The one most similar in temperament to me. Or it'll hurt my parents feelings and what little progress they've made will backslide and everything will get worse again and maybe my dad will *** and it'll just be. My fault.

-bro 2 fucked off across the country without guilt and I wish I could just not care but unfortunately I was raised to be the therapist and carer and my whole purpose of being is to sacrifice myself for other people's comfort so what else am I supposed to do. I have to make up for myself somehow

- my parents bought a starter home with shitty jobs when they were younger than me. I'm maybe NEVER going to be able to afford property, but if I don't start "wasting" money every month on rent I'm not going to live long enough for that to BE a problem. Let alone things like investing and retirement savings. But what if I lose my job or smthn goes drastically wrong and I end up back here with my tail between my legs anyways. Idk if I could survive that again

I am so goddam tired of every decision I make being the wrong one for my family. Of none of my (significant!) accomplishments mattering because they're not the traditional milestones. No I've never had a relationship, I've never even been in a date or been kissed. I'm a weird unattractive person and that's fine because I'm particular and peculiar about relationships anyway. Even if I hate that and I'm defined by hunger and grief. No I'm not engaged or married with kids. I'm tired of me appearing years behind my peers socially because I had to spend so long recovering from wanting to die all the time that I don't feel my age or maturity level even tho I AM comptent at my job and also just good and social lying to appear friendly and normal. I'm tired of being nanny and therapist and mom and all of these horrible gendered responsibilities that I never wanted and can't escape and have shaped me and ruined me and idk what I am without them and I can't even feel resentful without guilt because isn't that what I'm FOR. What else am I for than that. That's my purpose and my Duty and Obligation and I'm weak and selfish for chafing against it. I'm not allowed to love parts of my family and culture and then hate and resent all the ones that have hurt and trapped me and will continue to do so until either I, or all of them, are dead.

All I did was hurt and/or upset both my parents which makes everything worse for everyone in this hell house and maybe that's not my fault or responsibility but it sure feels like it is, and I can't escape it regardless.

I'm so goddam tired

#franposting #just whining its. #yeah #suicide mention cw #IM FINE DW IM TAGGING TO BE SAFE FOR OTHERS #im deeply miserable but im fine. i even ate dinner AND fruit #AND made lunch for tmrw #im just. gonna go watch arcane. or read naruto. both of which will hurt me #but maybe it needs to be external rn #work tmrw. and soo many meetings bc my boss is back and i have to like. showcase that i was ok left alone for 2 weeks #and was actually productive #why am i here. whats the purpose. the reason. the goal of it all. what am i supposed to be doing #beyond simple hollow pleasures to keep me going #so i can drag myself out of bed everyday out of a sense of duty #and that i have to keep going bc maybe itll make the world even the slightest bit better than i found it #and im now allowed any easy outs #i. am once again. going to do a hair mask. literally the only emotional cure all i know other than booze. which is. bad. obvs

[dare-g]

We've been watching JoJo for the first time 8 episodes in and idk I feel pretty indifferent about it?

#i know the series are supposed to vary quite a bit from the first so maybe the popularity is more for the later stuff #like just watching the anime alone it seems hard to imagine that this alone could be so big #but in reality i know theres the manga readers to account for #its not even like i hate it i just mostly dont feel much at all atm #i do laugh occasionally less cause actual comedy more so at the nonsense fighting moves coming from nowhere #and ill admit it does have more gore than i thought it would which was a surprise #but like i just think for a fighting anime it lacks in comparison to others #like some fighting anime drag sure but this is like way too fast like theres not enough stuggle jojo just defeats guy after guy so easy #also i think its weaker on establishing character than other animes even fighting ones #like they hammer in dio is evil jojo good but thats like it #but again only 8 episodes in and idk what im in for #its fine enough to put on fir now and maybe itll grow on me im curious enough to keep at it at least

[yuzuuu4]

happy 3rd year anniversary to promare!

#i adore these little fellows a lot #galo alone would eat that entire giant slice im so sorry #do you like the new trick i did with the fire <3 #i did my best and it looked neat #galo would go im not tired #he probably isn't but also maybe so #i was supposed to draw a little omake for this #but i didn't have the energy nor the motivation to do it #so you're stuck with only this <3 #i hope they live a long and happy life... #galolio #lio promare #galo promare #lio fotia #galo thymos #promare

[writhe]

.

#ok ok ok i have been so excited about the nimona movie since i first read it AS A TEEN #watched the teaser and i’m kinda sad it doesn’t look more like ND’s art #*art. i’m curious about the project getting cancelled i hate disney so much #& how much that influenced the style #but also i’m like not particularly impressed with the trailer #i feel like she was such a cool and weird character & i always imagined just an absolute freak #& maybe it’ll grow on me but i’m like. ok the acting in the trailer alone was too clean & predictable #like she was such a super massive freak im sure she’s yelling screaming all the time. like tbh i imagined her speech patterns to be more #like Finn Adventure Time #like i was hoping the movie would be fun and kinda dark and very anti authority etc #but there’s like super upbeat music and it’s like no we need fucked up string instruments with haunting melodies & the voice acting has to #be muttering and shrieking and insane #and Blackheart was also a character of all time for me if they make him and Allister less gay im gonna kill someone #but like gay (repressed / angsty i suppose) #like he isn’t COOL he is ANGRY. i guess haven’t seen him yet but i’m Worrk #AMBROSIUS NOT ALLISTER #*worried #and if the scientist isn’t in it netflix hates women. also if she’s not insane they hate women #dude i’m fucking up these tags so bad

[todayisafridaynight]

fym mid june next year i need him NOW

#snap chats #'mid june' more like sexy june amirite ladies #oh my good it was so much cheaper than i thought itd be im so happy #ignore the old many yaoi in my cart right under this. ichi dont look at that. #ill prob post that when i get it tbh it's supposed to come mid december </3 #can it come now let me read mfer my fave artists in there #anyway. give me him NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #and the aoki plush supposed to ship in february... THATS WHEN THE SONIC MOVIE COMES OUT #im taking aoki to watch sonic and then he can see shadow and i can traumatize him #maybe i should take daigo instead.... i can take them both but then mine's home alone... #and i dont trust leaving aoki and mine alone... what if they kill each other and leave a mess... awful... #ok im done talking about my night bye LOOL

[macrocosmus]

no words make me more upset than "you live in america, speak english." my great-grandparents were forced to assimilate and now a century later the same bullshit keeps getting pushed on folks... i felt so much joy in high school when all the asian kids across different cultures realized they all never spoke english that much at home, so they didn't need to speak english with their friends either. i feel so much joy when im just out at the grocery store and hear so many different dialects and languages, it's mostly spanish i think, and that's just good. and now im jealous. i wasn't born to be monolingual. im mourning something that was taken from me decades before i was even born. im supposed to know italian, i was supposed to be at least bilingual, and now im stuck monolingual throwing myself at language learning resources as an adult, desperate to try to wrap my brain around something that should have been there since before i spoke my first words. and its a slim chance i'll actually be able to walk along side someone and have a conversation in anything other than english, at least for a long time, because its not just knowing another language that i need, its speaking it, not as an exercise, but in mundanity.

i wasnt supposed to be monolingual, and now im struggling to fix that as an adult

#vent post #this literally brings me to tears #i hate xenophobia i hate assimilation i hate being monolingual #things i should say in therapy instead of on tumblr #if anyone comes into the notes to say ''uhm actually its ableist to say that being monolingual is wrong'' fuck off this isn't about YOU #this is about my language skills and mine alone #im desperately grabbing at something trying to just know one other language it doesn't even need to be italian #okay maybe this is about some weird family trauma i have about knowing some distant heritage that i dont feel like i can connect to #and language being the vector that im expressing that #and how that makes it challenging for me to form an identity without feeling like a dumb white kid whose culture was sterile and homogenous #im supposed to be asleep but instead im crying about some shit my greatgrandfather internalized and repeated from some bigots a century ago #i dont even know if i magically knew italian tomorrow if that would fix these feelings because when would i even get to use it #besides online #its alienating its isolating its just making me feel like crap #okay im going to end the post here goodnight