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calpalirwin · 3 years

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Happiness in Misery

Summary: Amidst the torture that is the Winter Soldier program, Bucky finds solace in another recruit’s company.

Word Count: 6.1k

A/N: Everybody say thank you to @jessalyn-jpeg for beta-reading/crying over this with me

And away, and away we go!

A light clunked on loudly overhead, so bright I had to squint in order to see anything at all. “New recruits to train. C’mon,” was the gruff instruction, followed by the sound of metal clicking and the door of my cell swinging open. “Now!”

Silently I followed the guard through the corridors, knowing better than to ask any questions. Instead I wondered what type of recruits they had gathered this time. And whether or not any of them would survive the process. Useless wondering as I already knew the answer. The recruits were going to be a ragtag round up of hopeful prospects: people who put up a fight when being captured. And they might pass today’s training, but the serum would kill roughly half. And the others would die eventually when they proved to be noncompliant and dangerous. Leaving me to train a new batch of recruits, and the cycle would spin on. Exhausting work, but my compliance meant I lived another day. And I’d survived too much to die in captivity.

The large gymnasium training area had about twenty hopefuls lined up along the back wall, guards scattered strategically throughout the room. But it wasn’t the guards I gave my attention to. Some of the recruitments had more fear in their eyes, some with more fire, but all with the identical cold expression. All but one. A young woman at the end of the line had her lips pulled back in a snarl. The fire in her eyes burned brightly as we locked stares, a low rumble in her throat. Her stature felt too small to bear the weight of such intimidation she was projecting, but I liked it all the same. She reminded me of someone I felt I had known before: a small man with an unwillingness to give up. The details were blurry, and I wasn’t sure if the memory was even real. But it gave me hope nonetheless. Hope that almost caused me to smile at her.

I took up my mark in the middle of the room, standing at attention, waiting for the order to be given. Twenty versus one? This would be a breeze.

A whistle blew, but nobody moved, the twenty people looking around in confusion. “Fight!” came the verbal order.

With hesitance, a few people walked my way, fists raised. Punches thrown half-heartedly were easily blocked as I stayed on the defensive. Only defend until they get the serum. You can take the blows, they can’t, and if you accidentally kill another potential… I suppressed the shiver, refusing to let myself go down that path.

Punches and kicks came with less hesitance. Stronger as the expectation of what to do settled in their minds. Grunts of effort filled the room, along with the occasional scream of agony as a fist collided with metal instead of flesh.

I blocked, ducked, and dodged, receiving a couple of well-placed hits, but I stayed on my feet, my body barely moving from my original mark.

Five minutes ticked by, then ten, each prolonged minute resulting in more recruits sitting down in exhaustion. As fifteen minutes neared, three people were still trying to fight me. But they were getting wiser about it. They started working as a team.

Two of them advanced. The distraction. I defended the advances, scanning around for the third, knowing they were coming but unable to locate them as the other two kept giving me their all. Then, something, or rather someone, came crashing full force into my side, my feet squeaking against the wooden floor at the unexpected hit.

I thought that was it. The one sneak attack just outside of my peripheral. But no. Again, the body slammed into me, the ear-piercing squeak from my boots sliding on the wood emitting around the room again. Then a third attempt that finally knocked me unsteady.

My hand flew out to break my fall, but the body came at me again, full on tackling me to the ground. And because flinging them off, even in defense, would result in trouble for me, I had no choice but to let it happen.

My back hit the ground, the person landing on top of my chest. With a yell, they started hailing punches down on me, their knees driving into my sides. I raised my arms over my face, and tucked my legs, rolling out from under them.

They fell off of me in a huff, and I knew they weren’t ready to give up. Unfortunately for them, I was the quicker one to my feet. Gently, I pressed one of my boots on their chest, getting a good look at the opponent who’d managed to do what many have failed to do. The young woman, her snarl still in place, the growl still in her throat.

She gripped my ankle, trying to push my foot off her. When that didn’t work, she switched to hitting my foot as hard as she could, yelling all the while.

In a simple, but swift motion, I lifted my foot off of her, then pulled her up by the front of her shirt, setting her on her feet. I flickered my gaze over to a guard who nodded, before blowing a whistle.

Knowing they didn’t care for, need, or want my input, I turned to head back to my cell, certain I would see the young woman again very soon.

~~~

“Do you talk at all?” a voice asked me as a tray slammed down across the table from me.

I raised my eyebrows in silent question as the young woman from earlier sat down across from me, fork poised over her dinner as she studied me. Waiting for an answer I never gave.

Each of us took a bite of food, chewing while we studied the other. “Well?” she asked with an impatient eye roll. “Do you not speak English? Hello?” She waved a hand in front of my face. “Earth to Robot Arm. Anyone home?”

“It’s James,” I stated, flatly.

Her eyes flashed in delight. “He speaks!” she marveled. “So… what’s the deal with this place?”

“That’s confidential. You’ll learn on a need to know basis. If you’re lucky.”

“If I’m lucky? Uh-oh. Don’t like the sound of that…”

“Just do as you’re told.”

“Mmm… Is that what you were doing earlier by not fighting back? Doing as you were told?”

“You don’t want to fight me.”

“You don’t know what I want.”

“Yes, I do. You want to survive. And I’m telling you the best way to do that is to follow orders, and keep your mouth shut!” My words were harsh, but I needed her to understand. And I feared I’d already said more than I was ever supposed to.

~~~

The screams of those deemed worthy of moving on to Phase Two sounded through the halls the next morning. Tortured screams of agony as the serum changed them on a molecular level, setting every nerve ending on fire. Panicked screams as it took with some, and wiped out others, no one sure of which category they fell into until it was too late. The burning was otherworldly, but from experience, you wanted the burn. The burn meant you were alive. A test of survival in the cruelest of manners.

The screams lasted all day. The cafeteria held faces covered in haunted exhaustion or sheer terror of the fate that still awaited some. In their faces, I scanned for hers, feeling my heart drop when I couldn’t find her.

“You could have warned me,” her voice said, heavy with exhaustion as she joined me across the table.

I let out my breath in a sigh of relief. “How are you feeling?”

“A lot better than them, that’s for sure,” she said, raising a finger to gesture at the screams still echoing throughout the compound.

I nodded, keeping my thought of how she looked better too to myself. She now had a fighter’s body to match her fighter’s spirit, no longer the fragile thing she’d been yesterday.

“You don’t say a lot do you, James?”

“No.”

“Woooow,” she deadpanned.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not sure what your deal is, but I’m not the person you want to make friends with. In fact, I’m about to become your worst nightmare.”

She waved her hands sarcastically. “Oooo, I’m so scared, James. What makes you think I want to be friends with someone who hasn’t even asked me my name yet anyways?”

“It’s not important.”

“Riddle me this. How is it important for you to go out of your way to look for me, and be relieved that I seem to be okay, but that importance doesn’t cross over into knowing my name?”

I opened my mouth to answer, but she cut me off.

“And don’t bother with some line about how you weren’t looking for me, or care if I’m okay, because we both know that’s a lie. We don’t know each other all that well, but I know damn well that you aren’t asking the others if they’re okay, or looking around worriedly for them. So what gives, James?”

“I care because you’re proving you have what it takes to survive. But learning your name, or anything about you for that matter, is a useless waste of time because unless you listen to what I told you about following orders and keeping your mouth shut, you won’t survive.”

“And why do you care if I survive, or not?”

“Because you remind me of something I think I used to know.”

“Did that person survive? Or am I your sick attempt at a second chance?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know if he was real, or if I made him up.”

“Damn, that’s dark…”

I shrugged. “Just try not to hate me too much when I get my revenge for you knocking me on my ass the other day.”

Her eyes sparkled playfully. “Oh really? You gonna fight back this time?”

“I’m allowed to now.”

~~~

It took a few days for her to learn what I meant. Phase Three happened at a slower pace. Instead of a group fight where I couldn’t do much besides play defensive, Phase Three meant individual hand-to-hand combat. And I wasn’t allowed to hold back.

For them to run their proper tests, and to make sure I was always in top form, Phase Three was spread out over a week, with a fight occurring once a day. But, I knew well enough now that if Phase Three was only a week, it meant that only seven had survived the serum of Phase Two.

I fought her on day four.

Much like the first day, she had a snarl on her lips and fire in her eyes. And she wasted no time in figuring out her newfound strength as she attacked.

Her blows landed harder and with more accuracy as I blocked, waiting for the break I knew was coming to launch my own offensive against her.

My first swing connected with her stomach, and when she hunched, I hit her in the jaw, taking a small pleasure in the way her eyes widened in surprise.

Back and forth we went in a choreographed dance of exchanging hits, the serum putting her on an even playing field with me. And while I had more training, she still had that unwillingness to quit, making us more even-matched than most recruits I’d fought with.

With no one yielding, the guards ordered us apart after a half hour, both of us bloody and bruised, but still with more than enough energy and sheer willpower to keep going.

“If it wasn’t for your fancy arm, I would’ve had you,” she tried to joke later at dinner.

“No you wouldn’t have,” I smirked. “You’re gonna need a lot more training to take me down.”

“I’ve done it once, I can do it again.”

“It took you four tries, and two other people distracting me. And I wasn’t allowed to fight back,” I reminded her. “So keep gloating over that victory, cuz it’s the only one you’re gonna get with me.”

“That’s what you think. But, I think it’s time you learned the name of the girl who’s gonna take you down.”

My eyes went wide. “No, don’t!” I rushed to stop her.

“Y/N,” she said anyway.

“God damn you…”

“Oh, relax. I know your name. What’s the big deal?”

“If you have to ask, then you haven’t been paying attention.”

~~~

Names, along with any personal details, meant attachments. Attachments meant caring. And caring meant getting hurt. And as much as being alone sucked, getting hurt sucked a lot more. Physical pain I was growing accustomed to. But emotional pain? A risk I avoided at all costs.

Thankfully, stubborn streak aside, Y/N appeared to take my advice to heart. When the remaining six of her recruitment class started dropping, I knew she had her suspicions that she wanted to talk with me about. But she didn’t voice them until the evening she walked into the cafeteria and it was just her and me.

“What the hell is this place, James?” she asked me in a whisper. “And I swear if you tell me that’s confidential information, I will bash your head into the table until I see brain matter.”

I snorted at her threat as I glanced around. “The name changes depending on who you ask. The Super Soldier Project. The Winter Soldier Program. The Americans called it Operation Rebirth.”

“Operation Rebirth? That’s what made that Captain America guy. Are you saying we’re him?”

“Yes, and no. America had their version. And Hydra has theirs.”

“Who’s Hydra?”

“We are.”

“And the serum?”

“Made you a super soldier. And Hydra’s going to either make you the perfect obedient soldier. Or they’ll get rid of you.”

“Is that what happened to everyone else? They got…” She slid her thumb across her throat.

I nodded. “If the serum doesn’t kill you, Hydra will.”

“Hasn’t killed you,” she pointed out.

“That’s because I play by their rules.”

“So that’s why.”

“Why what?”

“Why you don’t talk much. And why you’re short with me when you do. It’s a defense mechanism. A useful one, but a defense mechanism all the same.”

“Congratulations, you cracked the code,” I deadpanned, before reaching for the cookie on my tray and handing it to her, “Wanna cookie for being so smart?”

“How about you teach me how to become one of the survivors like you instead?” she asked, taking the small dessert from me anyway.

~~~

Although missions and training were tense under Hydra’s zero tolerance for error expectations, having Y/N around almost made it bearable. Something about misery loving company.

Under Hydra’s eye we became the perfect unit. The compliant assassins. And after the exceptionally tough days, it was nice to have someone to seek comfort in. Gentle reassurances that we’d survive after nightmares plagued our sleep, or after we helped bandage up each other’s wounds in the infirmary after a mission mishap.

Knowing that we weren’t alone in our hellish existence was enough to keep us from going completely mad.

Right up until a mission went wrong. Or maybe it went right.

Y/N was fighting with a red-haired woman, my own focus fully locked on the blonde man with the shield that he kept trying to hurl at my face. A wild swing sent my mask scattering to the ground and when I locked gazes with the man, he paused. Confusion and concern replaced the fighting exertion previously painted on his face. His eyebrows furrowed together. “Bucky?” he asked slowly.

“Who the hell is Bucky?” I asked in equal confusion. Memories of a blonde man similar to the one in front of me flashed through my head in a rapid succession. Memories I never knew were real or not. But as I stared at the man and he continued to stare at me, part of me wondered if maybe the memories were real. More than that, I wanted them to be real. Or at least, I think I wanted them to be real.

An explosion went off, and someone was tugging me forcefully away as the man ducked for cover. “James!” Y/N hissed in my ear as we made a break for it. “What the hell was that?!”

“I- I don’t know,” I told her. “I-I think I know him. Knew him.”

“Well you better forget real fast,” she said, her voice a low warning.

“I know…” I replied, internally wincing at what I knew was coming for having hesitation during a mission.

~~~

I wasn’t sure which was worse. My own painful interrogation session, or listening to hers across the hall, her screams of “No! I don’t know anything! I swear!” filled with more terror than I ever knew a scream could hold.

Leave her alone! I wanted to scream at them. She’s telling the truth! It’s me! It’s my fault! But all I could do was answer their questions as vaguely as I could. I don’t know how the man recognized me. I don’t know if I know him. I was just following orders, I don’t know what happened, but it won’t happen again. I won’t hesitate, they could trust me.

And then try not to scream so loudly myself as electricity shot throughout my body.

~~~

Her face bore the same scratch marks as mine, her eyes holding the same skittish fear, body flinching at every excessively loud sound. My fingers itched to reach out to her. To have the pads of my thumbs soothe the ache in the abrasions, and catch the tears threatening to spill down her face. To allow us each, for even the briefest moment, the chance at vulnerability and weakness. But I swallowed thickly, and with it the urge, forcing my face to remain blank and void. Not in here, James, not in here.

“James…” her voice croaked across the table at me, her eyes even struggling to meet mine.

Quickly I pressed a finger to my lips, scanning around the cafeteria. “Shh. Not here.”

“Hurts, James.”

“I know.”

“Worse than training.”

“I know.”

We ate what we could stomach before slinking off to the barracks. Now that the serum was proving to be working more often than not, we’d gotten a small upgrade. No longer trapped in a cell by myself, I now had an entire barrack to myself. Technically there was a no fraternization rule, but it mostly applied to the new recruits that continued to come in droves, leaving Y/N and I with the closest thing to real privacy we could get in a place like this.

“They didn’t believe me,” she said, taking a seat on one of the bunks. “They know how close you and I are, so they think I knew the man too.”

“I’m sorry…” I said, the bunk creaking as I sat next to her.

“Why did that man think he knew you? And why did he call you Bucky?”

“Do you remember back when we met I said that you reminded me of someone I think I used to know?” I asked in lieu of answering.

“Was that him?”

“I think so… I- Everything about my past life before Hydra is a messy blur. That’s part of the training. Making you forget. Making you unsure of what little you do remember. But if he knew me, then that means that those memories I have are real. And if he’s still around…” I didn’t dare finish my thought. Didn’t dare let myself go down the path of hoping that I could turn the clock backwards. Get my life back. It was useless because I knew better than by now to think there was any chance of getting out of Hydra alive. And it was utterly selfish as I locked gazes with Y/N and she nodded sadly in understanding what I left unsaid.

“If he’s from your past, and he’s still around, that means you have hope,” she voiced it anyway.

“Yeah…”

“Take your chance, James.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not? If you have a chance to get your life back, why not take it?”

“Because.”

“Because why?!” she snapped, angry that I appeared to be stupid enough to not risk everything to get the hell out of here.

“Because they’ll kill you! They’ll think you had a hand in it, and they’ll kill you for it! And I’ve worked too damn hard to keep you alive, so you’re not dying because of me, understand?!” matching her anger at her not understanding that I couldn’t leave her behind. That I didn’t want to leave her behind.

“Coward,” she spat in my face.

I rose to my feet, towering over her. “Coward?! I’m the reason you’re still alive, but I’m the coward for wanting to keep you that way?!”

“Yes!” she shouted, glaring up at me as she stabbed a finger into my chest. “You trained me. Not them. So do it! Take your chance! And let them try to kill me. But something tells me that they won’t want to do that.”

“Oh, and why’s that?”

“Because I’m stronger than them for one. And for two, it would be a stupid waste for them to lose not one, but two super soldiers.”

“That’s a stupid gamble.”

“Take your chance, James, and we’re both free.”

“Both of us can’t get free at the same time.”

“I know. So just come back for me, okay? Take your chance. Then come back. Be my hope, like this man is yours. And we can handle whatever comes after that.”

She spoke with such certainty that I wanted to believe her. I wanted to believe that getting out would be worth whatever potential consequences would surely follow. I wanted hope. And what really were the consequences? We both already knew what Hydra was capable of. We already lived in a situation that was worse than death. A life lived constantly on edge, wary of every move we made. So maybe it really wasn’t that stupid of a gamble after all. “Okay,” I promised. “Okay.”

~~~

It turned out that getting free meant a lot of isolation, which I was already used to, so it wasn’t that much of an adjustment. Well, isolation within reason I should say. I had to stay low, off the radar. But I wasn’t alone. I had the blonde man. Steve. His name was Steve. And we’d been close friends before. And he helped me make sense of the muddled memories of my past, like slowly putting together a puzzle where all the pieces were one color, impossible to differentiate one from the other. And he had his friends, the Avengers they called themselves. And they helped me too where they could, breaking down the mental blocks Hydra had instilled in me.

But the fear lingered. Not so much that Hydra would eliminate me once they found me. If they found me. But fear for Y/N. Fear for what she had to suffer through for the cost of my freedom. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to hold up my end of the promise of being her hope of getting out. A fear that ate away at me every day I was cooped up in the Avengers headquarters.

And then, one morning a newspaper was slammed down in front of me. “What is this?” Steve asked, his tone somehow both demanding and soft.

I looked down at the article. A headline about a recent attack on the UN. A grainy black and white photo of the building in flames, and a blurred image of a person slinking away amongst the chaos. But even though the person was blurred, I could make out what they were wearing because I’d worn it myself for so many years.

For a moment, panic made my chest tighten. Had I? No… I couldn’t have… Could I? No. No, it had to be her. There was no way it could have been me.

“Buck,” Steve prompted, his arms crossed as he waited for an answer.

“I- I don’t know. I didn’t do it, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“No, I know you didn’t do it. But word on the street is that it's related to Hydra.”

“Okay,” I said, not sure what kind of answer he was looking for.

He sighed. “There’s only so much we know about Hydra. But you…”

There it was. The reason he was bringing this to my attention. Not to accuse me. But so that I would provide the much needed intel as the resident Hydra expert. Unfortunately, I didn’t have an answer he was going to like. “They never told us anything. They gave us the target, and we carried out the mission. Ready to comply…” I clicked my tongue in my cheek with disdain, shuddering at the bad taste that the last three words left in my mouth.

He pointed a finger at the blurred person. “But do you know how many others like you are out there? How many are under Hydra’s control?”

“Just me and her. They keep trying to make more. Waves and waves of people. But nobody lasts long. They kept me out of necessity. They kept her because I trained her to be a necessity as well.”

“So bringing her down is…”

“Not an option unless you involve me.”

“But if we get her, we get Hydra.”

“Yes. But trust me, you can’t get her without me. She won’t let you, for one thing. And for another, I won’t let you.” Unless I was the one standing in front of her, she’d kill anyone in her path because that’s what she'd been trained to do. It’s what kept her useful to them. And hell, even if it was me standing in front of me only guaranteed that I’d be on the receiving end of her skills. But I had the advantage of knowing her moves before she made them. After all, they were my moves.

“No,” he shook his head. “No. You tell us everything we need to know about how to bring her in, but you’re not on this mission, Buck. We’re not risking having you near Hydra.”

“Then you don’t have a mission.”

“This isn’t the time for threats, Buck. This is serious.”

“I’m not threatening you. I’m telling you the facts. If I am not on that mission with you, she will treat you like a target for her own protection against Hydra. And you do not want to be a target. Bring me on the mission. We get her. We take down Hydra. It’s that simple.”

He sighed, his face contorting in deep concern and worry. “It’s a huge risk… you being near Hydra.”

“It is,” I agreed. No point in disputing the obvious. “But here’s the thing. Hydra taught me how to do a lot of things undetected.”

He sighed again. “I’m not sure how well I like this plan. But I’m gonna trust you on this. We all are.”

~~~

“If you find her, tell me,” I directed with authority. “Nobody engages with her, but me. Understood?”

There were nods and murmurs of agreement. The memory of fighting me was still fresh in their minds, none of them were overly eager to engage with another super soldier of my caliber again if they didn’t have to. And Y/N wouldn’t hesitate like I had. I’d be lucky if she pulled her punches, but I wasn’t counting on it. She didn’t know we were coming. And she couldn’t give Hydra the slightest inkling that she was pulling a fast one on them once I located her. It was a delicate balance of using the skills Hydra had drilled into me against them.

Perhaps lucky for all of us, they didn’t really know what or who to look for, whereas I did.

I noticed the shadow well before anyone else, slinking away to catch her off guard. I crept quietly up behind her, and as I reached out to grab her, she whirled around, a knife burying into my side. I hissed through my teeth, not having expected that at all, and pulled the blade free, letting it clatter to the ground as we locked gazes, her eyes wide as she took me in.

I nodded in answer at the question she didn’t dare ask, pressing a finger to my lips.

Her eyes flickered to the small bloom of blood that was darkening my shirt, and when she raised her eyes again to meet mine, I thought she might look apologetic. But all she did was smile sinisterly at me.

Alright, game on, I thought. “Initiate plan,” I spoke into my earpiece, as I dodged the punch she delivered my way.

The plan was a diversion so Y/N could disappear with me under Hydra’s radar, preferably before we had to actually hurt the other, current knife wound aside.

It was like deja vu of our first meeting, her attacking and me playing defense. The only difference this time was that when her blows did land, the hit was rather painful, especially when she targeted her hits to my weakened side.

I took it all in stride, blocking and dodging the best I could against her as I waited for the diversion I knew was coming.

When the building went pitch black, I struck out, knocking her own comm system out of her ear and stomping on it forcefully, listening to the crunch of it under my boot. “Move!” I barked, grabbing her arm.

I dragged her along for a few steps before she found her footing, her stride matching mine quickly as we made our escape. I knew she wanted to say something, but I shook my head sharply. There were still risks that Hydra was listening somehow, even if I’d broken the main way of connection to her.

Through a tangled maze of hallways, I navigated our way through the dark to the getaway car, the van doors pulling open welcoming us. I shoved her in ahead of me, sparing a glance behind before I jumped in after her.

Aside from the sound of us catching our breath, the van was silent as the driver peeled out, and headed back to headquarters.

Then, as reality settled in that the mission had gone off exactly as planned, Y/N threw herself across the bench seat, crashing into me.

“Ow…” I wheezed, as she held me in a vice grip hug.

She immediately let go, sliding across the seat away from me. “James…” she said, her voice a tremble of a whisper.

I nodded, opening my arms for her to fall back into. “It’s over,” I soothed, relishing in the feeling of holding her against me. “It’s all over. We’re safe.”

“Oh, James,” she wept, her fingers softly grazing over my injured side.

“Shh, don’t worry about that. It’s over. We’re safe. I’ve got you.”

~~~

I wish I could say that getting Y/N out of Hydra meant that all our problems went away. But that wasn’t the case. Because what came with the fallout of bringing down Hydra was having to figure out what to do with not one, but two super assassins with a crime record a mile wide. Words of “pardons” and “life-sentences” were thrown around. There was also the concern that even though Hydra had been brought down, that they could resurface in the future, and would go to any length to recapture what they had lost. And they could do it too. They caught me twice before, and her once. How hard could it be to do it again?

It was very much the conundrum of winning the battle while the larger war still raged on. And when they started the circle of fighting over options for the millionth time in an hour, I snapped.

My hands slammed down on the table in the conference room, startling everyone. “Shut up!” I hissed. “Shut up with your pardons, or ideas of serving time! Shut up with your Hydra worries! Just shut up!”

“Buck-” Steve started.

“No!” I thundered, rising to my feet. “The only people who can protect me and Y/N, are me and Y/N! We know what it takes to survive Hydra! So just… Don’t worry about her and me. I got it covered.”

“Buck-” Steve tried again.

“No,” I shook my head. “Look, I’m grateful for all the help. But we’re not a problem you guys need to solve.”

“Well,” Tony cleared his throat matter-of-factly. “Most of us live in the facility here. Accommodations. Easy to track each other down when we need to. Security.”

I smiled wryly at the man. He was as egotistical as his father had been, but he was a man of action over words, and wasn’t big on emotions, which was something I could both respect and relate to. No sense in being sentimental about things that didn’t require sentiment. Words of thanks were on my tongue, when a scream echoed through the building.

While they all looked around at each other with more startled expressions, wondering who had screamed and from where, I took off at a run.

I burst into the room she was in, finding her curled up as tight as she could be, eyes frantic as she cowered in the corner of the room. “Y/N…” I said softly, feeling my heart crack in my chest. Electricity shooting through my body was less painful than seeing her scared, because I knew how hard she always fought to not let that part of her show. As much as I liked to think she’d survived everything because I’d been there to ensure it, that was only half of the truth. She’d set the world on fire before daring to admit that she was scared. And this now made it the third time I’d seen her this terrified, and all I wanted was to set the world on fire for her. Make everyone pay for any ounce of hurt she’d ever endured.

“James?” A broken sob of uncertainty.

I nodded, taking a slow step forward. “It’s me. I’m here.”

“Where are we?”

“With the Avengers.”

“No more Hydra?”

“No more Hydra.”

Her lower lip trembled, a rogue tear sliding down her face. “You came back?”

I smiled, taking quicker and longer strides now across the room, closing the distance between us. Always too much distance. “I promised you I would,” I said, sitting down next to her.

“You don’t know how hard it was without you… What they did when they realized you were gone…” Her breathing sped up as the tears spilled faster.

“Shh,” I soothed, pulling her into my arms, much like I had in the drive over here. “Nobody’s ever gonna hurt us again, okay? I’ll keep you safe. Always. We’ll be okay. I’ve got you.”

We sat like that for a while, me rubbing at her back as she calmed down and slowly relaxed her body against mine. And then I felt laughter bubbling up in my chest, and before I could stop it, both of our bodies started shaking with the force of my laughter. “What are you laughing about?” she asked with her own giggle.

“I just-” I wheezed, fighting to get the words out as I tried to stop laughing. “It’s just…” I took a large intake of breath to steady myself. “Oh, man… Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to be able to do this?” I asked, meaning me holding her, but I didn’t wait for an answer, the words spilling from my lips. “I- I was alone for so long. I got used to not caring about people, and not being cared about. Used to turning off that emotional part of me. But every time I tried to push you away, you pushed back even harder. And… God… you ruined me. You absolutely ruined me.”

“You don’t sound that angry about it,” she said, her fingers resting gently against my chest that heaved with each half chuckle of breath I took.

“I’m not. You’re the first person I cared about after Steve. You were the only person I cared about when I was the worst version of myself. And I- The lengths I would go through to make sure you’re safe. The lengths I have gone through, and will always go through for you… I just… You mean a lot to me, and I hope you know that even if I don’t always have the words to say it directly.”

“I love you too, James.”

Tag List

@cxddlyash @stanofalotofthings @philthepegacorn @youngblood199456 @binxiboo @creator-appreciator @felixtok @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @jessalyn-jpeg @lilyoflower @mychemicalimagines @rougese7en @milea @partiesandblurrypolaroids @summerdaughter

#happiness in misery #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes x reader #avengers #marvel #calpal irwin

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sgtbradfords · 3 years

Note

I have a Chenford prompt for you.

Lucy gets up the nerve to ask Tim to be her partner. Tim refuses but doesn't give a real reason. Ultimately he has to confess his feelings because he knows he hurt her.

I do apologize for such the long wait, but I hope this does your prompt justice! Enjoy! :)

Lucy Chen needed to find a new partner. Nolan had finally graduated from being a boot to a P2, leaving probation and Sergeant Grey had made the decision to partner John with Jackson in hopes of making the transition smoother. He had also appointed Lucy to work as a one man show. She knew the opportunity to work solo for any officer was always there and would always be there, but she also had her reasons for wanting to have someone sitting in the passenger seat two feet away from her.

Her week of riding solo was exciting but also nerve-wracking, the doubts that maybe she wasn’t ready for this lingered in the back of her mind every morning, as she moved to sit behind the wheel of the shop. The shifts went by smoothly, but she found being by herself to be desolate, having no one to talk to or no one getting upset when she messed with the knobs of the air conditioning.

Soon, the number of shifts and off days had accumulated into over a month and to put it simply, she was miserable being by herself, which she brought up the following week when she met Jackson and Nolan for lunch.

“Why don’t you ask Bradford? He doesn’t have a boot right now.”

Lucy hesitated before speaking, playing with the fork in her hand as she pushed a piece of lettuce around the bowl. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“You wouldn’t know unless you ask.” John pointed out as he observed his friend that sat across from him.

“It’s just…” she paused. “I don’t want to work alone. After everything that happened with Caleb and Rosalind and then going undercover a few months back. I really don’t want to work alone.”

Jackson and Nolan shared a look before Jackson took the opportunity to speak. “Lucy, why didn’t you say anything? When we get back, I’ll go talk to Grey and-“

“No! This is something that I need to do.”

Jackson changed the topic, showing his friends the picture Angela sent him earlier that morning of the baby smiling in their sleep as their lunch break ended, the officers returning to their respective shops. All too soon the numbers of the clock on the dash rolled to six o’clock, Lucy parking the shop back in between the white lines in the garage, removing her things before she returned her war bag and long gun. She made her way to the locker room, changing back into her civilian clothing, securing her off-duty weapon into the holster attached to the side of her jeans before grabbing her bag and heading out.

“Hey.” She heard someone greet as she walked across the parking garage, the person joining her by her side putting a smile on her face.

“Hey. I heard you had a fun day.”

The person grumbled, “Never thought I would be running out of a house full of bats before ten.”

“I just hate that I wasn’t there to witness Tim Bradford running away. I bet that had you regretting not taking that Sergeant position.” She teased as they approached her car, Lucy shaking her head at the sight of his truck next to hers.

“You’ll never get your hands on the vest footage Lucy.” He glared before his face softened. “I’ll never regret turning that position down. I kept my word, didn’t I?”

“That you did.” She smiled, readjusting the bag on her shoulder as she stopped at the rear of her car. “I’m actually glad that I caught you, I have a question I need to ask.”

Tim turned, leaning his back against the panel of his truck as he waited.

“I was wondering if we could possibly partner up. With Grey partnering Jackson and Nolan, I discovered that I don’t like working by myself, and I know that probably makes me look weak but I feel like-“

He stared her down as she rambled, her words threatening the sides of his mouth to turn upward as he fought back a smile.

“That doesn’t make you weak Lucy.”

“Maybe not to you but to someone else…” She sighed, turning her head to look away.

“Screw what other people think, they don’t know what we’ve-“ He stopped, shaking his head as he unconsciously took a step forward. “Their opinions shouldn’t matter.”

“But they do.” She told him honestly. “So, think you can handle working with me again?”

Tim took a moment to look her in the eyes before looking away, Lucy watching as something flickered behind his eyes before it disappeared.

“I can’t.”

Lucy took a step forward, her brow furrowed as she gently let go of the bag on her shoulder, the bag hitting the concrete. “Why not?”

“I can’t Lucy.” He said to her sternly.

“You’re not my TO Tim, you can cut the attitude.” She challenged before pushing the question once again. “Why not?”

He took a step forward, his arms crossing over his chest as his demeanor changed. “I may no longer be your training officer, Officer Chen but I am still your superior.” He told her, his tone laced with warning with every word he spoke.

“Respectfully sir, I deserve an answer.”

“One that I don’t have to give you.”

Lucy’s eyes searched his before she took a few steps back, turning around as she crouched down to pick her bag up off the ground. “You know I-“ She started as she turned back around to face him, adjusting the weight of the bag on her shoulder before thinking better of it. “Have a great evening, Officer Bradford.”

Tim watched as she got into her car, slamming the car door shut as she turned over the engine. Lucy sat behind the wheel, taking a deep breath before shifting the car into reverse and then into drive, leaving the parking garage. She couldn’t believe him, she thought to herself as she pulled off the highway and into a parking lot, steering her car towards the drive-thru of a sandwich joint. She ordered, messaging Jackson about the failure that was her evening as she waited for her food.

Twenty minutes later, her emotions had calmed down as she stepped onto the elevator of her apartment building. He was being unreasonable, she had decided as she chased the straw of the drink in her right hand, taking a sip as the bag of food on her right wrist swung freely. The thumb of her left hand scrolling through the social media feed on the phone as the elevator jolted to a stop on her floor. The heavy metal doors opened, allowing her passage as she stepped off the car, pocketing her phone as she pulled the keyring from around her left index finger.

“You’ve got to be shitting me.” She cursed in disbelief as she rounded the corner. “Talk about someone second guessing themselves.”

Tim looked up from where he stood beside her front door with his arms crossed, listening to her mumble, as the sound of heeled boots he knew could only belong to one person walked across the hardwood flooring of the narrow hallway.

“Unless you’re here to give me a damn good reason Bradford, I suggest you leave.” She told him as she stood a distance away from him, sliding her key into the deadbolt.

“I’m sorry Lucy.”

Lucy snorted, rolling her eyes as she removed the key, inserting it into the lock on the handle, turning the key left as the knob turned, opening the door. “If it makes you feel any better, your apology is somewhat accepted. But that still doesn’t give me a reason as to why, you are refusing to work with me.” She told him as she stepped through the threshold, placing her bags onto the kitchen island, pulling out the cardboard container that held her sandwich, the soft click of the door quietly shutting behind her telling her that her company had followed.

Tim walked further into the apartment, only stopping once he was across from her, the quartz countertop keeping the two separated. His mouth opened and closed as the words that were on the tip of his tongue failed to convey.

Lucy proceeded to ignore him as she moved around the kitchen, grabbing a plate out of the cabinet as she placed her sandwich and fries onto the dish, grabbing the handful of condiment packets out of the takeout bag. She grabbed the plate of food, walking past Tim and towards the couch.

“I love you.”

Lucy froze mid-step at the whispered confession, her heart accelerating as she waited with bated breath for him to continue.

“I have fallen in love with you Lucy Chen and I- I can’t be your partner, not in that sense.” He told her, glancing at her over his shoulder as he spoke, their backs still to each other as he turned around. “Out of everything that I have been through, this, loving you, scares the shit out of me.”

“You’re just saying that.” She whispered with glossy eyes, as she placed the plate in her hand down onto the coffee table, refusing to turn her body around.

Tim took a step forward, his hand reaching out to gently grasp the crease of her elbow. “I’m not. I look at you, and you’re home.”

Lucy hesitantly turned, his hand falling away as her gaze found his.

“I’m not just saying it, I mean it Luce. I love you.” He told her, enunciating those three words as he took a small step forward, lowering his forehead to rest against hers. “You have annoyed me more than I ever thought was possible, but I love you and I want to spend every irritating minute with you.”

Lucy could feel his uttered confession against her lips as her nose brushed against his, her hand pressing against his chest as she moved to stand on the tips of her toes. Her lips feathered against his, their breaths mixing as she took the final step. His lips were soft against hers, a hand tentatively wrapping an arm around the small of her back as Lucy’s hand crept away from his chest and towards the back of his neck, fingers carding through the short strands of dirty blonde hair as she attempted to pull him further into her.

The touches from fingertips were gentle and light as they tested the bounds of this new development, mouths opening under the tongue of the other as the soft kiss soon turned fervent and quickly spiraled out of control.

Lucy moaned into his mouth as the hand around her waist began to drift lower, her fingers curling into the stands of hair at the nape of his neck, her lungs protesting for air as he abandoned her kiss swollen lips.

“Is that a good enough reason?” He exhaled as he looked at the woman standing in his arms, a trance-like look on her face as she pulled back ever so slightly, to catch her breath.

“What?” she asked, shaking her head.

Tim smirked. “You asked for a damn good reason for me being here.”

“You know, I don’t know… Maybe we should discuss this some more.” She smiled as she used the hand on the back of his neck to pull him back towards her.

“That,” He whispered against her lips. “Sound like a good idea.”

#fanfic #chenford fanfic #chenford fic #the rookie fic #chenford #tim bradford x lucy chen

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socialanxietyisabitch · 3 years

Text

I’ve gotten quite a few questions that ask me how I manage to have a job, drive, take classes, deal with relationships etc with social anxiety. I just want to say it’s all hard. I’m exhausted constantly. I still feel like a failure everyday.

Jobs- Let me just say every job I’ve had before this one was pretty much under the table. The one that wasn’t was awful and I got yelled at constantly. This one I have now is only because I knew people and didn’t have to interview. I’ve bombed every interview I’ve been to. I’m not good at on the spot questions or talking about myself. I’m horrible about that in any setting. Idk how I’m ever supposed to get a “better” job bc of it honestly. But I recommend going for a less chaotic type of job. (I would not recommend restaurants or retail but if you think you can do that- go for it. My anxiety riddled ass crumbled tho)

Driving- I did not get my license until 23. My parents never taught me or wanted to, combine that with my anxiety and I just waited. I got tired of waiting for other people and rides though so I had my ex teach me. I practiced so much and tried my best for my test. I was happy I passed, never thought i was going to get to that point. To this day though, I still hate driving on highways and I tend to avoid them. I get super bad panic attacks. Maybe one day.

College- I absolutely hate walking into classes idc how old I am, it stresses me out. And they still make us all go around and introduce ourselves and all that stuff. Hate it all so much. I guess I fight through the anxiety because I want to feel like Im not a failure. Still feel like it anyways tho. Finishing college feels like a dream at this point.

Relationships- I don’t know If my anxiety has contributed to me choosing the worst people to date but I have been through pretty horrible relationships. Toxic, abusive situations that I never needed to be in. And the trauma from them is something I deal with daily. Although because of how bad the relationships were, it has affected my dating life now. I refuse to even leave the house half the time. I don’t want to hang out with anyone anymore. I don’t trust people. But my god does it get lonely. Basically I made my anxiety worse because of these situations.

Anxiety sucks and I’m just trying my best but god damn is it hard.

#social anxiety #anxiety #depression #ptsd #mental health #me

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waywardfangirl · 3 years

Text

For the fantastic @fight-surrender: You are a wonderful person with a brilliant mind and a kind heart, and I am so happy to know you! I really enjoyed the prompts you suggested for the Secret Snowflake exchange this year, so to give you something fluffy and happy for your birthday I combined a few of them into one sweet and silly fic - I hope that you like it! 🖤

A big thank you goes out to @carryonvisinata for her wonderful beta work and for making this fic even better for such an incredible friend 🖤 Purr-fect Strangers

Rated: General Audiences Word Count: 3208 Chapters: 1/1 Simon

"Die Hard? Really?"

I'm struggling to make the Redbox give me my DVD. Video vending machines sounded like a good idea when I couldn't find anywhere to stream my favorite movie, but the obstinate thing in front of me and the condescending voice behind me are now making me reconsider my choices.

"What's wrong with Die Hard?" I demand, momentarily giving up on retrieving my video to take some of my frustration out on the prick watching me.

Unfortunately, when I turn around to scowl at him, I make eye contact with one of the most attractive people I've ever seen. He's tall, with dark hair escaping the bun on top of his head and falling around his face, and a perfectly tailored suit hugging every inch of his body right on down to his shiny Chelsea boots. My brain shorts out, and he sneers at me.

"There’s nothing wrong with it, per se. But you have a near unlimited assortment of cinema to choose from, and you've selected Die Hard?"

(Read the rest on ao3, or keep reading here)

I scoff.

"Look, mate, some of us don't feel the need to watch pretentious films just to feel better than other people. I like Die Hard. I'm going to watch it while eating pizza and relaxing in joggers, and I refuse to feel bad about enjoying that."

He looks a bit startled, and his cheeks take on a slightly pink tinge, but he just arches an eyebrow at me. (And manages to make that look unfairly hot too, the prat.)

"What movie are you renting?" I say it like a challenge, and he pushes past me.

He deftly removes my DVD from the stubborn machine and thrusts it at me, before turning back around to get his own. I loiter behind him, just like he did to me, ready to see what movie he thinks is better than Die Hard.

"Two Weeks Notice?" I exclaim, when I see the poster pop up on the screen. "You're ridiculing Die Hard, but getting a rom-com for yourself? Unbelievable."

He pushes past me and turns up his nose. My blood boils for so many different reasons, and it's work to hold myself still.

"This has Hugh Grant in it. My tastes are superior."

Then he swans off, and I'm left standing on the kerb.

Baz

A year into my time at university, I started treating myself to a monthly visit to Sephora. It was easily excusable then, with parties every weekend to justify each new purchase, but I've kept up the tradition since graduating. (Retail therapy and good skin care never hurt anyone. And a little eyeliner does wonders for one's self esteem.)

This month, I'm browsing for something sparkly. My eyes are grey, but with a dark, glittery liner I think they might stand out a little more. I'm just testing one of the pencils on the back of my hand when I see him.

Blond hair, plain blue eyes, and a constellation of freckles and moles across his skin. The most lovely man I have ever seen, with the worst taste in movies, and (I'm sure) a well-deserved hatred for me.

For all that I try to appear cool and confident, my facade sometimes fails me. When I get flustered, I become cruel. The man renting Die Hard was so pretty that all I could do was insult him and then curse myself for it the entire way home. I couldn't even properly enjoy Hugh Grant, as mired as I was in self-loathing. And now, whatever second chance to impress him I've been granted with has surely been ruined by my actions last time.

I keep my head down and steal glances at him through my eyelashes.

He is entirely out of his element, that much is obvious right away. I watch him ask one of the shop assistants for help, and she points him in the direction of a display. His brow furrows as he picks up different containers, and he’s ridiculously precious and hopeless as he holds a lipstick tube next to a garish eyeshadow palette and closes one eye to look at them. (What is he even doing?)

Finally, his confusion seems to win out, and he turns to look around for help, when he suddenly spots me. I've been caught out; I can't pretend now like I haven't been staring, and he scowls a little as we make eye contact. I arch an eyebrow, watch as his face grows pink in anger, and decide I hate myself enough to try talking to him again.

"That's really not your shade."

"What?" It's a simple word, horribly enunciated, and does nothing to quell the wrinkle between his eyes.

"The purple. I don't think it would flatter you. Furthermore, that lipstick clashes horribly with every color in that palette."

He turns a bright red and starts to splutter. I am hopelessly endeared.

"That's not- I, I don't- it isn't-"

"Oh, calm down, there's nothing wrong with wearing makeup," I say, flashing him the back of my hand with the eyeliner tests on it. "You just need to pick a better shade." I pluck a different palette (for blue eyes) and a lipstick in a true red from the display and hand them over. "Something like this."

He stares at them dumbly for a moment, his mouth hanging open. (Mouth breather.)

"You think I should wear this?"

"I think it would flatter you if you chose to wear makeup. That purple will do you no favors." I sneer at the garish eyeshadow still in his hand.

"It's for my friend!" he finally bursts out.

"Are you mad at her?" It's a reasonable question, that eyeshadow is truly appalling.

"No? It's her birthday next week, and she said that she wanted to have some makeup for date nights and things."

"Are you in love with her?"

"No!" No hesitation at all. "No, no way. Penny is like my sister. She's my best friend. We're not…" he trails off, and I'm strangely reassured. He still probably hates me, but at least there is one woman in the world that he’s not dating, so my odds have improved marginally.

"Don't get your pants in a twist. I just thought you might be, since that eyeshadow would certainly drive away her current boyfriend."

He sticks out his chin and seems to decide something.

"Fine. What should I get for her, then?" The “if you know so much” is left unsaid.

I'm not really an expert, despite my monthly purchases, but I'll take any excuse I can get to linger around this starburst of a boy for a few moments more.

"Does she wear makeup normally?" He shakes his head no. "Then perhaps start with something more subtle for her." I take the offending palette away and hand him a more subdued one, with a faint shimmer. "Do you think this would look nice on her?"

He thinks hard for a moment, then pulls out his phone, swiping at the lock screen and turning it to face me.

"This is her."

His home screen background is a picture of the two of them, cheeks pressed together and grinning like crazy under the summer sun. His curls are being tossed by the wind, and he looks like a bronze Adonis. I think my heart actually skips a beat at the sight.

"That palette will be fine then. This lipstick, too," I add, handing him a plum shade. "Do you need anything else?" I ask, and then cringe when I sound like I'm working instead of flirting.

He shakes his head.

"No, this is brilliant, thanks."

He still looks a bit confused, and he bites his lip as he looks down at the makeup in his hand - the makeup for his friend, and the things I picked out for him.

I don't want to go, but I can't figure out any way to prolong our conversation.

"You should get that one," he says, pointing to one of the lines on my hand. I raise an eyebrow in question. He's right, but what does this mean? Is he flirting? Does he want me to wear eyeliner? Is he just trying to repay me for helping him? "Yeah. Definitely that one."

He raps his knuckles on the counter beside us twice, and then wanders towards the check out.

It's not until I'm trying to fall asleep that I realize - he bought the makeup for himself too.

Simon

One of my foster fathers had a workshop, and I spent a happy summer watching him build a table and matching chairs for the dining room. I didn't get to stay to see it completed, because one of his biological children kept stealing money out of his mom's purse and blaming me, but I still enjoyed the time I had spent watching woodworking. I liked it so much that when Penny and I graduated and got a flat together, I saved up to buy a few tools. I don't make anything major, but I've built small shelves and a side table and a pan organizer for the flat, and I really like it.

Recently, Penny has been complaining about not being able to reach everything in the kitchen, so while she's still at work I stop by the B&Q to pick up some wood for a step stool. I'm heading to the check out when I see him - the mean makeup guy. (Although he was actually quite nice when we were talking about makeup. He was just rude when we were getting our movies.)

He's dressed casually today, in tight dark jeans and a warm grey sweater, with his hair falling in loose waves around his face. He's glaring down at two wrenches, and I hate that he still looks so good when he's glowering.

Before I even register what's happening, my feet have carried me over to him.

"D'ya need help?"

He startles, and turns lovely grey eyes up to look at me. It's work not to gasp. He’s wearing eyeliner. I'm not entirely sure, but I think it may even be the eyeliner I told him to buy.

"The sink in my kitchen is leaking. I watched a tutorial on YouTube, and it should be easy enough to fix, but I don't have the proper tools."

He goes back to glaring at the wrenches, and I lean over to take a look.

“You want that one.”

“Why? How do you know?”

“Well, it’s adjustable. You can change it within reason, so as long as your plumbing isn’t something incredibly out of the ordinary it should fit just fine.”

He looks surprised (and maybe a bit like he wants to attack me, although I try to ignore that).

“How do you know that?”

I laugh.

“Basic home maintenance, mate, I’ve had to fix a leaky sink before too, believe it or not.”

I grin at him until one corner of his mouth tips upward in response.

“Thanks,” he says, his cheeks flushing a little. “I’ll get this one then. Yes. Thank you. Have a nice evening.”

He strides off, once again leaving me feeling a bit dazed.

He looks really good in eyeliner.

Baz

When Fiona discovered I hadn’t left the apartment in a week, she called in the cavalry. Daphne showed up at my door with a casserole and some flowers, and within minutes she had the kitchen feeling like a place that was less utility space and more home.

“Basil, Fiona is worried about you.” I rolled my eyes, despite knowing it wouldn’t get me anywhere. “I’m worried about you, too. You spend so much time by yourself, and you hardly ever go out to see your friends or enjoy the city.”

“I’m fine. Thank you for your concern.”

“Basil,” she had said, and that time it was a warning. “It’s not healthy for anyone to spend this much time alone.”

“What, do you expect me to get a cat?”

Daphne smiled, and I knew that I had said the wrong thing.

“Yes, actually. And,” she said, before I could object, “Fiona thought you should too. In fact, she made it a condition of your continued occupancy of this flat. We both think it might be nice for you to have someone else around to talk to.”

I arched an eyebrow.

“And you want me to talk to a cat?”

Daphne just gave me a Mona Lisa smile, handed me a plate filled with food, and told me when she left later that evening that I had forty-eight hours to send her a picture of a cat. (I asked what I should do if I didn’t like any of the cats I saw. Or if they didn’t like me. She said I had to at least prove that I tried.)

So, this morning, I made my way to the nearest RSPCA and talked to strangers for the first time in over a week. I told them that I was looking to adopt a cat, and they immediately led me to a room filled with individual cages and an assortment of felines. They said I could play with any of the cats that I wanted, and now I’m staring into the eyes of a fluffy orange tabby.

The tabby meows at me, and I swear that she’s telling me to get lost. I guess cats can tell when you’re out of your depth.

I stroll down the aisle and read the names given to each cat. It’s been years since I last had a pet and even then, the husky my family had wasn’t my sole responsibility. I was in charge of feeding him, but there was always someone else making sure that I did. And really, we only adopted him when my pediatrician suggested that an animal might help me after my mother died. Daphne is probably trying to do the same thing again now. (Is this how one becomes a crazy cat lady? Depression, anxiety, OCD, and an unwillingness to tolerate therapy?)

I keep walking slowly until I feel a tug on my sleeve. I look down, and a little orange paw ending in one very sharp claw has latched on to me. I unhook it before my sweater can snag, and then look into the kennel. There are two kittens, each only about ten weeks old according to their cards, and the orange one is peering up at me with big blue eyes. Its littermate is asleep in the corner, curled into a fluffy black puffball, but the tabby is ready to play. His tail twitches, and he pounces immediately when I wiggle a finger between the bars. He catches my fingertip in a far more gentle grasp than I would have imagined, then looks at me with what can only be described as pure adoration.

“Excuse me,” I say, moving my finger some more and feeling small claws dig in. Then again, louder, to get the attention of the woman, “Excuse me. Can I see this one?”

The woman comes over and flips the latch, then reaches in and comes out with a handful of fur and knives. The kitten opens its mouth in a fierce imitation of a vampire, then stretches it further as it lapses into a yawn. We spend the better part of an hour in a bright, cheerful room, just the kitten and I. At first it chases a string that I drag along the ground and runs after balls with bells in them, but then it calms down and curls up in my lap to sleep.

I’m petting it and cooing softly to it, trying to ignore the fact that Daphne and Fiona were both right about this whole thing, when the door to the room opens again.

“Oh. It’s you,” says the most beautiful man I have ever seen. My face flushes when I remember our last encounter and I pray he doesn’t remember my ignorance. (Of course he does. I didn’t know how to select a wrench. I am incapable of basic home repair and he knows it.)

“Do you two know each other?” The woman from before is back, this time holding the other kitten from the same cage, and looking between the two of us. “These kittens aren’t technically a bonded pair, but they are siblings, the only two remaining from their litter, and it would be lovely if they could still see each other.”

“Err…” the man says, shifting his weight.

“We’ve met in passing a few times now,” I say, trying to avoid encouraging this line of questioning.

“Great!” she says, clapping her hands brightly after handing the kitten off. “I’ll leave all of you to get better acquainted then!”

For a moment, there’s just awkward silence. Neither of us are looking at each other, both focusing on our respective kittens. Then, his kitten turns into the feline equivalent of a slinky, oozes out of his grasp, and runs over to tap my leg once before running away again. It hides behind his legs, and all I can see is a black tail winding around his ankles.

We both laugh, and the ice is broken.

“I’m Simon,” he says, and smiles at me. It’s the same radiant smile I remember from his lockscreen. It feels like looking into the sun, and I bask in it.

“Basil. Although my friends call me Baz.”

“Are you going to…” he trails off, but gestures to my cat.

“Yes,” I look down and give it a scratch under the chin. “I’m going to adopt it.”

“Same here,” Simon says, and then he blushes. “I mean, unless it rips my face off in the next few minutes, but I think this is the one.”

“Do you know which one you have?” Their names and genders were on the cage, but it didn’t specify who was who.

“No idea. I’m going to rename mine anyway though, I didn’t like either of those names.”

“I was planning on doing the same thing. If I’m going to have a pet, it needs to have a proper name befitting its personality. Not something mundane like Fluffy.” I scowl, and he laughs.

As his kitten comes over to touch its nose to my kitten, Simon clears his throat.

“So, um, like she said, they’d probably be happy to have playdates or whatever. I mean, since we’re getting them. And since we keep running into each other. It might make sense to, you know, exchange numbers?”

“Yes!” I say, far too eagerly. “I mean, that seems reasonable. It would be more convenient than waiting to happen upon you in the Waitrose choosing inferior crisps to set up a future meeting.”

He smiles. “Well, yeah, there’s that. And this way, it’ll be easier for me to ask you out, ”

Then the absolute nightmare sits down beside me and hands me his phone. He texts me immediately once I enter my contact info.

Unknown Number (11:27 AM) This is Simon Snow

Unknown Number (11:27 AM) Your cat is cute.

Unknown Number (11:27 AM) So are you

Unknown Number (11:28 AM) Wanna get dinner sometime? ;)

I blush, and send him a reply.

Baz (11:29 AM) I thought you’d never ask.

#snowbaz fic #Purr-fect Strangers #a gift for a friend!#fuff #my fic

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ranelljoyce-reyes · 2 years

Text

My autobiography

Not far from here on the 6th of July Year of 2004, I was born in the city of Kawit Cavite. I am female and youngest amongst the children of three. I have an older brother and older sister, her being the oldest. My mother used to be an English teacher that's why as a kid, I used read her books lying around the house. Maybe that was the reason that I'm so into poems and would prefer English than read Tagalog articles.

Growing up as the youngest, I had most of my wishes granted but of course I am still taught to be grateful as always. But there was this time when I was in grade 8, I was walking home from school at night because I was a little late to go home. There was no tricycles so I decide to walk home. It was only one curve left until I'm home but suddenly a motorcycle stop by my side and i thought that he was going to ask for direction so I stopped. That's when he grabbed my body, molested me then drive away. I went back home crying but instead of worrying about me, my father got angry for not staying at school but walking home.

That was the time that my personality drastically changed. Since that incident I felt like my body was so disgusting and dirty being help by unknown man, what's more is my family is blaming me for what happened especially my grandmother's sister. She would always say that I wanted what happened and enjoyed it. I hated every Part of me and won't believe anyone who says they understand me. My trust issues got even worse and I developed an ugly personality.

I remember when there was a time that may parents would fight, I still couldn't understand what they were saying about. But now that i understand that it's about my father having an affair, as a daddy's girl it affected me a lot. I felt betrayed knowing that he's entertaining children and treating them as his own child other than me and my siblings. That was not the last time because He met few more girls until the things I'm scared the most happened. He had a child with a prostitute he met at the bar and we're not even sure if that child is His and he refuse to take a DNA test.

My anger for him grow stronger and stronger that it gave me thoughts to take revenge on him and maybe that was the worst choice I have made. I thought that I was not affected by what happened but My revenge took place in those times I was feigning ignorance. I chose to ruin my life and date men at the same time and that's the affect of my father. My revenge was to do the same thing as he did and ruin my image because I thought it would hurt him to see me become like that. But I got caught by my mother and it made me realize how much I've hurt her.

Although the casualty is not so bad, because of what he did I finally learned how to be strong and decide correctly what's not to do. I learned on how to avoid red flags and stay away in toxic relationships romantically or friendship, I learned when to stop.

I realized that I need to stop messing around with men and hating myself To finally get serious in life. Right now, I'm seeing someone and he said that he accepts my past and love me for who I am now. I finally found someone who accepts me, Although sometimes I still doubt that he loves me. I can see his efforts and pure intentions with me and I can feel my doubts gradually decreasing.

I also want to accept my self and love me the way my real friends and significant other love me.

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songficsbyrissi · 4 years

Text

Lost Ones (Spooky Diaz x Reader)

Warnings: cursing, angst, mentions of pregnancy, abortion, and deadbeat fathers.

“And I ain't too proud to tell you

That I cry sometime, I cry sometimes about it

And girl, I know it hurt, but if this world was perfect

Then we could make it work, but I doubt it” - J. Cole

****************

Oscar “Spooky” Diaz sat on the edge of the bathtub, holding the blue and white stick tightly like you didn’t just pee on it. For some reason, he thought staring at the digital screen would change from 1 word into 2. Unfortunately, it was still that one word.

Pregnant.

You, his girlfriend, was pregnant. When you had suspicions that you were pregnant, you secretly went to the store to purchase 3 pregnancy tests and once you took them, they all said that same word.

Pregnant.

You and Spooky were expecting a child and this was not good news at all.

“Oscar, please say something.” You whispered so softly, staring at him with dried tears on your face.

He remained silent, still staring at the test. His head was swimming with thoughts. Maybe you weren’t even pregnant. Maybe it’s a prank and you were lying, but you were not this good of an actress. Besides, you would’ve busted out laughing by now.

Then the thought came to him that maybe it wasn’t his but that thought got shot down quickly in his head. You loved him with all your heart. You wouldn’t do that to him.

Did you purposely get pregnant? What happened to birth control? Then again, if you were to purposely get pregnant, you would be jumping in joy and not sitting on the floor in despair.

You got up from the floor and walked up to him, taking his hands. Your pleading eyes made contact with his.

“Please talk to me. Say something.”

Spooky finally spoke. “How did this happen?”

You sighed shaking your head. “Well when a man and a woman love each other very much or like each other or they’re just drunk enough, they wanna express it in a physical way which happens to produce a baby.”

Spooky had an unimpressed scowl on his face. “That’s not funny.”

“Do you see me laughing?” You shot back, tilting your head. Your head came back into its original position and you sighed once again.

“We need to talk about this.”

“What’s there to talk about? We can’t have a kid. Talk over.” Spooky got off the bathtub, tossing the pregnancy test in the trash. He washed his hands and went into the fridge to get a beer. All you could do was watch him do all this in shock. He chugged down the beer and you stared at him with your arms folded.

“Seriously, Spooky?”

He slammed the fridge close, glaring at you. “Seriously what? You really think it’ll be a good idea for us to have a child?”

You shrugged your shoulders. “It’s not like we never talked about it.”

“Yeah, we talked about it. FOR THE FUTURE.” Spooky got close in your face, emphasizing the last 3 words. “The future where we’re older, smarter, making a lot of money and most importantly, married. We are none of that right now.”

“I know that, and I know that this isn’t the ideal situation to bring a baby in, but like it or not, it’s here.” Your arms were folded again. You were hoping he would have a better response to this.

“Not for long because you’re getting that abortion, right?” He questioned taking a swig of beer.

You had a look on your face, as if he slapped you hard across the face and spit in it. You could physically feel your heart break. The man you love doesn’t want you to have his child. You couldn’t believe it. He had to be joking. Spooky saw the shocked and hurt expression on your face and sighed. He didn’t mean to hurt you. He never means to hurt you but he had to be realistic here. This is a life that was being discussed.

“I’m not trying to fight with you, Princesa. I’ve just been actually thinking. How are we going to raise a kid by ourselves? We are only 23!” He gestured all around you. “Does this seem like a good place to raise a kid? This neighborhood is dangerous. Where are we going to move to? Somewhere safer? Somewhere safer costs more money. Baby, I’m an ex-con. Only the jobs that barely pay shit hire ex-cons. We can’t live off your little receptionist job alone!”

You didn’t say anything. You just kept staring

at him with tears in your eyes. He took it as a sign to continue.

“Listen, I don’t want to bring mi hijo or mi hija in this world if I ain’t got shit to give them. I’m not going to leave but you gotta really think about it. Would it be smart for us to bring a child into this?”

Once your boyfriend finished his speech, you just backed away from him and stared out the window where kids were playing jump rope and riding their bikes outside. Little girls playing patty-cake and hopscotch while little boys played basketball and tag. You couldn’t stop the small smile that appeared on your face.

Looking out of the window gave you a bit of hope but Spooky didn’t see it. Maybe he didn’t want to see it.

“We have less than 9 months to figure something out.” You croaked out, still staring at the scene outside the window.

You heard a frustrated sigh behind you. “You’re not getting it.”

You finally turned around with angry tears flowing down your face. “No! You’re not getting it! You must’ve forgotten all the conversations we had way back! You remember those fucking conversations, Oscar?!”

He stared at you as the flashback hit him.

“It’s really crazy how Toya got pregnant. We’re only 21. We just became legal to drink and now she can’t.” You sighed as you laid your head on your boyfriend’s lap as he watched TV. He cleared his throat and didn’t say anything. He was always a man of a few words. Part of the reason why people feared him so much. Other than his little brother Cesar, you were the only person he would actually hold a full conversation with and talk for hours.

“Baby?” You said as you rose from his lap making eye contact with him. His hooded eyes focused on you. “What if we-“

“We’re not.” Spooky cut you off, already knowing where you were going with this.

“But what if.....we did?” You questioned softly. “And what would we do about it?”

Spooky groaned throwing his head back. “It’s not gonna happen. We’re smart.”

You folded your arms. “Smart people get pregnant too.” Your boyfriend inhaled deeply and didn’t say anything.

“The only 100% effective way to prevent pregnancy is not having sex and we’re obviously not going to do that.” You stated causing your boyfriend to snort in amusement and you elbowed him, rolling your eyes. “Seriously, Oscar. What if I was to get pregnant now? What would we do? What would you do?”

“I would do whatever it takes to make sure you and the baby are good. No matter what. The baby’s created and we gotta take responsibility because God don’t make mistakes. So if we tried to prevent it and you still ended up pregnant, we would just have to deal with it and make sure our child is born into a good situation.”

You just blinked because you were relieved that he wasn’t dismissing this conversation. He was actually thinking realistically. You saw him clench the bottle of beer he was drinking in anger.

“My father.....left me and Cesar and I still hate him for it. How am I supposed to be a father to him if I never got the chance to be a son? I always told myself that I would never put my child in that situation. It just starts a fucked up cycle and who knows when that cycle will be broken?”

Oscar shook his head as if he was trying to shake tears that were threatening to fall away. He took another drink of the beer. “I refuse to be him. I refuse to be a coward and turn my back on what I created.”

You smiled planting a soft kiss on his lips. “You’ll never be him.”

“Or did you forget that? Did you forget telling me that you wouldn’t turn your back on this? On us?”

“I’m not turning my back! I’m thinking realistically, Y/N!” Spooky began to shout now. He rarely shouted at you. That’s how you knew you were really under his skin.

“Oh really? Your exact words were-“

“I know what my exact words were! What you’re not getting is I changed my mind. People change, Y/N.”

You snorted in disbelief, laughing sardonically. “You sure did.”

“Don’t do that,” Spooky warned in a low voice coming closer but you didn’t back down.

“No! Fuck you Oscar! I should’ve known this is how you would act! You said you love me, now look at you! Singing a different song now that shit got real! I should’ve known you weren’t different from the rest. The rest of those guys who say whatever to get what they want! I LET YOU HIT RAW!” You pushed his chest as hard as you could, with your chest heaving up and down. “I let you fuck me raw, and now, I’m pregnant and you got the nerve to get in my face, talking about some abortion. This is my body, Oscar! I’m not aborting this baby! The only person taking this baby from me is God and last time I checked, YOU AIN’T GOD!”

“Y/N-“

“No! Shut the fuck up! I let you speak, and now it’s my turn!” You shoved a finger in his face as tears continued to roll down your face. “I’m going to love this baby, with or without you! My mom raised me by herself, and I’ll do the same with this child! I still don’t understand how you could be standing in my face, saying that when you said you hated your father and you would never be like your father! That you wouldn’t do that shit he pulled, but look at you! Doing the same shit! You ain’t shit! You ain’t shit to me, and as far as this child is concerned, you ain’t gonna be shit to them either.”

You got out of his sight, still holding a hand to your belly, and headed into the bathroom to continue crying your eyes out.

Spooky took a deep breath, trying to figure something out. He figured you didn’t mean what you said. You were just really upset. He had to make a decision. Stay here and wait for you to come out so you can probably talk about this or go out for a drive, giving you and him some space to cool down. He chose the latter, grabbing his keys and heading out the door.

On the drive, Spooky watched the scene where kids were playing and having fun. He began reminiscing about the times when Cesar was little and he would play with him outside. He remembered the tiny smile on his innocent face. He remembered how scary it was keeping Cesar safe on his own but he did it. He managed to raise his brother on his own and seeing that Cesar doesn’t want to be part of the Santos, he’d like to think he did a pretty good job.

Spooky doesn’t know how he did it but he managed to drive right to the park where he and his brother used to play on. There were still kids there. His hazel eyes focused on a little girl being helped by her dad on the monkey bars, giggling uncontrollably. Somehow, the little girl turned a little boy and her dad became....his dad. The little boy was him. He saw his younger self grin as he hung off the monkey bars and his father giving him a small smirk. The grin dropped a little. That memory happened before his father left his life and never came back.

“What about your seed, man?” His younger self looked straight at him and asked. Spooky’s eyes narrowed in confusion and he could’ve sworn he was seeing things.

“What about your seed?”

The vision returned back to the little girl smiling as she finished the monkey bars with her father grinning in pride. She hugged her father’s legs and he lifted her up, kissing her cheek repeatedly as she giggled in happiness. It was a beautiful sound.

He pulled off after he came to the conclusion that you and him had a lot to discuss. Maybe, he was too hasty, telling you to abort the baby. Maybe he was just scared and freaked out that he wanted the easy out but now he’s realizing it’s not necessarily what he wanted. But you were not going to find that out while he was out. He gotta go back home to you.

“Y/N?”

This house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Spooky began to investigate. He went into the bedrooms and the bathroom. No sign of you anywhere. Your clothes were gone and you left no trace of you anywhere. You left him.

He took his phone out of his pocket to call you when a piece of paper on the counter caught his attention. It was handwritten and it only said two words.

You won.

Spooky clenched the note, falling onto the chair and just kept staring at those two words that managed to completely break his heart. What hurt the most is that he wasn’t sure what you meant by saying he won. Did you leave him for good, dedicated to being a single mother or did you change your mind, got the abortion, and left him because you hated him? Either way, you were wrong.

He was no winner at all in this situation.

TAGS: @karmawaelualani @chaneajoyyy @ctrlszn @witchything @sabrinafey @penguinpower17889 @robingreysantos @namjoonwatcheshentai @pananegra @bloatedandlonly @blackmissfrizzle @chonisberonica @flamingweasley @cynthetic @momobaby227 @this-glitter-pussay

If you wanna be added or removed, just let me knowwwww

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nade2308 · 3 years

Note

Whump drabbles — Separated for Mac & Jack ☺️

Hope this one is good ;)

Alina Chernyshevsky was a Russian scientist working at a lab in LA, on a scholarship who was kidnapped by a rogue crime group almost a week ago. The Phoenix was tasked with recovering her and capturing any of the members of the group they could find. It turned out that the son of a banker, the daughter of a businessman and the brother and sister, the kids of one of the most powerful Romanian crime groups had one thing in common. They wanted to get out from under the shadow that their parents put them in. So they formed their own union, and thanks to the ties Andrei Bogdan, their leader, had from his father's world, they quickly made their way up in the underground dark world. Climbing up the ladders, they did the odd jobs here and there, hits on important people for hire, and it was based on their combined knowledge of the finances, the system and the law, that they stayed undetected and under the radar for so long. Until Alina discovered some sample or another in the lab that was brought for testing and she made herself a target and was kidnapped in broad daylight.

When the search for her didn't yield results, the team stepped in to try and find her. And if their intel and the search that Riley did on the dark web was correct, they were on their way to rescue her.

Mac and Jack split up to cover more ground while Riley provided tech support from the van as a TAC team was securing the place.

It happened all of a sudden. Mac found Alina. She was locked in a room with a see-through door and there was someone inside the room with her. It looked a lot like Andrei and Mac had a split of the second to decide what to do before someone put a gun to his neck and punched the digits to the lock. The door opened with a whoosh, sliding to the left and Andrei approached Mac and whoever was pointing a gun at him.

“Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. Who are you and what are you doing on my premises?”

Mac stared at Andrei. At 6'2'' he was taller than Mac and bulkier, so he towered easily over him. But Mac held his ground and the guy's look. He wasn't going to give in to the fear.

“You must be here for our beautiful friend here, no? I doubt you got lost out here by yourself… Tell me, pretty boy, is there someone else with you here?”

Mac tried not to flinch at the pretty boy comment, but was unsuccessful.

Andrei noticed.

“Aww, don't tell me no one has called you pretty before… because you are. Now, where were we. Ah, our friend. I assume you are here for her?”

Mac still didn't say a word and watched with a bored look. At least he hoped it looked bored.

“I've been into business since before you were born, boy, so I suggest you start talking. Or I'll make you talk.”

The suggestive once over Andrei gave him made Mac feel nauseated. The indication of how exactly Andrei planned to make him talk…

“If you won't talk, I will continue talking with my friend Alina here. Sonja, take him to another holding cell.”

Those last words were spoken on Romanian and thanks to Mac learning a brief and short course in Romanian he was able to understand.

"Wait. Wait. I… I'm here to trade myself for her. Our government wants her. And they are willing to make the exchange. Me for her."

Mac could see Alina's surprise. It wasn't like she knew that he was bluffing, but if he could get her out… then maybe Jack was right behind him to help. Mac could do that. He could stall.

Andrei seemed to consider the trade and then he nodded and motioned for the guy… or rather the woman who was holding him at gunpoint, to grab Alina.

"Very well, you will get what you want. You in exchange for her. Now that she is out of our way… what are you offering in return?"

Mac gulped. This wasn't part of the plan. He was supposed to get her out and then… then what?

Think, genius, think!

Where was Jack?

As if on cue there were sounds outside in the hall of flesh hitting flesh and Mac sighed in relief. But it was short lived because before he knew what was happening, Andrei was shoving a butterfly knife to his side.

"As much as I like to have fun with you, I'm sure you'll prove yourself quite useful…" Andrei let his gaze linger on Mac's body, driving the knife deeper, "I must go. La revedere, dragul meu."

In a flash, Andrei was gone and the door closed behind him. Mac realized what was going to happen when he saw Andrei use the same knife he stabbed him with, to jam the key code panel and thus effectively locking him inside.

He looked at the wound in his side, it was deep and already soaked the side of his shirt and jeans. Wearing white shirt didn't work well with the blood, and Mac knew Jack would panic when he saw it.

Mac pressed against the wound with both hands, as hard as he could. It stung and it hurt, making him yelp and twist in pain.

He heard footsteps and could see that Riley and Jack were coming to him.

Riley was the one who saw him first and she couldn't hold the gasp that escaped her lips. That in turn alerted Jack who was staring at the ruined panel. And then Jack saw him.

…

There were so many times Jack got scared for his life early into getting in the Army and then the CIA. But as time went by and he saw close combat, came in touch with death and cheated it, he became sort of immune to all the talk about mortality and death and most of all fear. He made peace with himself that at one point he'd die, sooner rather than later. But that didn't make it any easier when he acquired the kids. He was in a desperate need to stay alive. He wanted to be there for them, and dying would defy that purpose.

Right now the bone deep fear he felt was not for himself, but for Mac, who was bleeding from somewhere in the general direction of his left side. If Jack had to guess, it was from a stab wound.

Currently he stared daggers at the little knife standing out of the ruined panel. Mac was locked in. And Jack didn't know how to get in.

"Jack…" Mac gasped then and Jack's attention got diverted to Mac.

"Hey, Mac."

"I'm sorry…"

"What are you sorry for?"

"For getting stabbed."

Jack felt a stab of fear go through his heart at those words.

"Oh kiddo, it's okay. Not your fault. We'll get you out."

Jack could see that Mac wasn't convinced of it, but Jack had to make sure Mac didn't lose hope. They would find a way out.

Jack already checked the door and while it looked like it was made of glass, Jack had seen enough to know it was reinforced, and he didn't want to risk putting a hole in Mac while trying to shoot at the glass.

The panel was jammed, and even if Jack pulled the knife out, the circuit board was shot to hell. At least, Jack thought so.

Riley was typing on her laptop furiously fast and Jack could see that she was just as worried for Mac as Jack was. With the corner of his eye, Jack noticed that Mac was now sitting on the floor, head leaned against the glass door. The shirt was soaked now and Jack wanted to scream.

"Hey, Mac, talk to me buddy? How is it looking?"

"I'll live. I hope."

Jack cringed at the sound of those words, but Mac wasn't far off how it looked, so for him to say that… Jack figured that it must feel even worse than it looked.

"It's going to be okay. We're working on getting you out. Ri?"

"I can't hack this Jack. I am trying to access it remotely, but the knife must have hit the main motherboard. Sorry."

Riley sounded dejected, but Jack refused to give up.

"How long till we get a team to get those guys into custody?"

"Thirty minutes."

"Get me the closest hospital and tell Matty to clear things with them. We need them to have someone on standby for when we get Mac out."

"Jack…"

"Yes, buddy."

"It hurts…"

Jack hated to see how Mac looked even paler than he was. What he hated even more was that greyish tint his skin was getting. They really had to get him out of there.

"Look at me, bud. Mac?"

Mac took a few seconds too long to look at Jack and Jack did the first thing his heart told him to. He put his palm up against the glass, and waited until Mac got his palm mimicking Jack's.

"I know I'm not there with you, but I'm here, boss. I'm here. I ain't goin' anywhere until you get out of there, okay?"

Mac nodded, getting weaker.

Jack took a look around the room and except for two chairs and some ropes that were lying haphazardly Mac was the only thing or person inside. He was out of commission for the time being. Until something came to Jack.

"Hey, Mac?"

"Mhm?"

"Remember when Patty locked you in the interrogation room for your own safety. When Murdoc was hired to take you out?"

"I do."

"You think we can try and do the same thing here? With the code and the wires?"

Jack could see Mac lifting his head slowly. He had both his hands pressed against the wound now and Jack was left staring at the bloody imprint where Mac's hand was before. But Mac seemed to perk up at the mention of a possible plan. Nevermind how far-fetched it sounded or how it may not even work… Jack was desperate enough to try.

"I… I don't know if there's enough circuit connected to the wires… To the wires."

Mac sounded winded, and that last part was whispered before he said it louder, and that was all the motivation Jack needed to go through with this plan.

"It's worth a try. Did you see the combination on your way in?"

Mac nodded and as Jack worked around in trying to locate the wires and pry the cables off of the secured posts, Mac did that on his end as well. Thankfully they didn't take his SAK or paperclips, so with a little bit of a push, they both started working on the wires.

When five minutes later the door opened with a whoosh and Jack rushed to get to Mac, it was all the relief he could feel before he had an armful of his kid, unconscious.

Jack looked up and pleaded for one more miracle.

…

Mac slowly came to the beeping of monitors and the standard hospital smell of disinfectant, meds and industrial bleach cleaner. Not to mention the scratchy gown and the crinkle of the pillow under his head.

He slowly raised his hand that wasn't connected to an IV to touch his face and found he had a nasal cannula attached. There was something warm around his other hand and with a little bit of effort he turned his head and found Jack holding his hand, and sleeping with his head propped on his forearm.

Mac was too tired to keep his eyes open so he gently squeezed Jack's hand and went back to sleep.

The next few times he woke up were a mix of doctors and nurses asking him questions, his vitals being taken, and after the third time he actually managed to stay awake for longer, they decided to transfer him to a regular room.

Jack was there every step of the way, fussing over him, adjusting the pillows just as Mac wanted them, pulling the blanket higher, and generally just being a fussy parent.

Mac took it because he knew how worried Jack was and Mac secretly loved when Jack fussed over him.

Once the doctor left the room, Jack took his usual place at Mac's bedside and Mac relaxed more in the fluffed up pillows.

"Hey, it's good to have you back, sleepy head."

"It's good to be back." Mac grinned.

"Oh, they've got you on the good drugs, huh? You are grinning."

"Maybe I'm just a little bit high."

"Only maybe a little?"

Mac burst in a fit of giggles and it took him a while to get himself under control.

"You scared me, kid. Don't do this to me again, okay?"

Mac solemnly nodded, fully knowing he'd do it again. But it was all he could offer to Jack now. And it was enough for them both.

#100 drabble challenge #drabble #writing #my writing #my fic #fan fic #prompt number 98 #separated #stabbing #blood #Mac whump #angus macgyver #jack dalton #macgyver #macgyver 2016

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jordansadare · 2 years

Text

I’ve been in Courage House for around 11+ months now so I can “graduate” the program.. well I completed the months for my lawyer.

Was I always perfect throughout this stay? No, let’s be honest. Did I get caught though? Also no. And at the time the latter was much more important to me.

Forced sobriety doesn’t always work.

So I was working at a treatment center helping other addicts and alcoholics get sober, but not sold on the idea itself. I mean, of course, I wanted this for you with my whole heart. Me though? Eh, It just wasn’t my time. I was working in treatment living in halfway going to 5 meetings a week reworking my steps chairing a meeting- I mean the whole shebang the whole ass Florida shove it down your throat experience man. Bored. Hated it. Life I mean, my job I liked it was meaningful and that I loved. But it didn’t matter because I wasn’t right with myself. So I did what any non self respecting junkie with a smear of “I probably shouldn’t fuck up my court stuff but let’s push it” would do.. I stayed abusing sleeping pills- my own, random room mates in halfway I knew stopped talking them, and sadly clients from work. Then a girl came into treatment and I did search so I confiscated her kratom and then took it to my halfway and did it myself. (Which did absolutely nothing) In disappointment I wanted to get high on what there really was out there.

I got in touch with ol dude from the last time I went out in Florida and he was doing the same thing like we junkies tend to do. I went over to get high not like unplanned or anything. I made sure it was on a Monday the day after drug tests in halfway I don’t get randoms because I was so far along and a star pupil. (Same thing drug court thought). Anyway I shoot up and chill for a little till the zoom meeting for on of my home groups (different fellowships for all you nazi aa folk). I do the meeting and go to halfway where they are training a new manager. They get her to do randoms and have me do one. I pee in my little cup and pass. Karlyn the house owner says she thinks I’m high and asks if I’ve done anything and at this point I’m like fuck it let’s do this. I tell her fentanyl. Her and my house BFF start crying and wanting to take my to a detox so I can come back.. yeah no I tell them, “ I’m going to go get high”

I pack a little bag and dip. I drive over to ol dudes house and smoke fent which is never done and knock myself out and bust a table with my head. He gets up to check if I’m okay as I come too laughing my ass off. I do meth I do more fent. I do this for around 4 days when all of the sudden the police have me naked in a hallway I’m beaten the fuck up and I could have sworn I was at camp when I was on the bathroom floor locking out police because I thought they were the camp counselors looking for me in the woods… So here I am naked in the hallway yelling at them asking what’s going on and for a blanket which they give to me. The police say that a neighbor called saying she heard a woman screaming.. so I guess that was me? They force me to go to the hospital and try to get me to press charges which I refuse to do. They knock me out because my body won’t stop moving because I’m freaking out and ya know have shot up a lot of meth. I wake up later and they’ve contacted my old halfway and my mom. I AMA immediately and walk back to where I just got beaten up. I get high for another day and then text a buddy from treatment and say I need to go to rehab. He finds somewhere and I’m not going into rehab sober so I did more fent and more meth and then drank a vile of ghb. Oh and then got in my car and drove to meet this dude for treatment. But I was so messed up I thought the blinking turn signal was pressuring me to turn and he told me to pull over. He picked me up and took me to FCFR. Oh FCFR. Which by the way is mostly a mental institution and after that week- I belong.

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allthingsfangirl101 · 4 years

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Wish I Were Heather–Zac Efron

Inspired by the song, Heather by Conan Gray

Dating a famous actor is tough. Now, dating him in secret is just sheer torture. Everyone, literally everyone, has an opinion about who he should be with and who would look great on his arm. And I am not even close to them. They are all beautiful, famous, rich, dropped-dead gorgeous women. I'm just average.

The recent girl that fans want Zac to start dating is his costar, Heather Manning. She's a rising star who started off as a model. She had a few cameos in tv shows at first, but her career shot off from there.

Anything anyone can talk about is Zac Efron and Heather Manning. People are obsessed with the leaked set photos that have been released. They love how the two look together.

Zac's fans think I am just his friend who is always around. They actually hate me. They think it's annoying that I follow him around, not doing anything. When asked, he tells people that I am his lifelong best friend who moved to LA with him.

They don't know that we've actually been dating since before his career. It all started junior year of high school. I had been studying so much for my AP test, ACT, and SAT that I got sick and ended up fainting in the middle of class.

Zac rode with me to the hospital and sat next to me every day I was there. When I was released, he was at my house 24/7, constantly around me to make sure I was taking care of myself. About a week after it happened, I asked why he refused to leave my side. That's when he admitted his feelings for me and I confessed mine for him.

In the first few months of his career, we had a long-distance relationship. The second I graduated high school, I went to LA to live with him. We talked about it and agreed to keep our relationship a secret from all of Zac's fans.

It was actually Zac's idea. He hadn't wanted his fans to try and get in the way of us or try and influence us. He wanted our relationship to be just that; us. Even though I agreed to keep our relationship a secret, it was hard. Everywhere I turned, someone was hitting on Zac, asking him out, or trying to get him to ask them out.

I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but of course it did. After a while, it started to get to me. It's exhausting trying to act like it didn't bother me. Zac is a famous actor and I'm just me.

I got a degree online in marketing, but I don't do anything with it. All I do is sit at home and do random chores around the apartment while I wait for Zac to come home.

I still remember, Third of December, Me in your sweater. You said it looked better on me than it did you, Only if you knew, How much I liked you.

"Hey, babe." I looked away from my book to see Zac walking in the door.

"Hi," I said softly. I put my book down and pulled my legs under myself as he walked over and sat next to me.

"How was your day?" He asked, reaching over and putting his hand on my knee.

"It was fine," I said under my breath as I looked away.

"Hey," he said gently. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I said, not even convincing myself. I sighed as I looked back up at him. "What?" I asked when I saw the way he was smirking at me.

"You're wearing my favorite sweater," he chuckled as he scooted closer to me and put my feet on his lap. I smiled as he rubbed my calves.

"I was cold," I shrugged. He laughed as he leaned over and pressed his lips to mine in a short, gentle kiss.

"Well," he said when he broke the kiss. "It looks better on you anyway."

* * * * *

But I watch your eyes as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes, Brighter than a blue sky. She's got you mesmerized. While I die

"They just sent me the trailer for my new movie. Wanna watch it?" Zac asked as he laid his head down on my lap and propped up his phone. I sighed as he pressed play.

I tried to be supportive and watch it, but it was too painful. Instead of watching the trailer, my eyes never strayed from Zac. It was hard to watch the smile on his face.

"So," he laughed as he sat up when the trailer ended. "What did you think?"

"I love it," I smiled through the pain. "It's going to be an amazing movie."

Zac turned towards me and grabbed my hands, intertwining our fingers. "Babe, you know that this is just for show, right? I mean. . . It's just for the movie."

"I know," I laughed it off. "We already talked about it before you started filming. I know that every cute moment, every kiss is just for the movie. I trust you, Zac."

"Damn, I love you," he laughed as he leaned over and pressed his lips to mine.

Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater. It's just polyester, but you like her better Wish I were Heather

I broke the kiss when the image of Heather kissing Zac was stuck in my head. I smiled as I leaned back and grabbed my book. He watched me for a second before turning his attention back to his phone.

I have been supportive of Zac and his career through every moment, but it's getting harder. Watching the love of my life on screen with a beautiful actress was torture. It just reminded me that I wasn't anywhere near to being part of his league.

* * * * *

Watch as she stands with Her holding your hand. Put your arm 'round her shoulder, Now I'm getting colder.

I smoothed out my dress, trying to wipe away the nerves. Zac walked into the front room and smiled. "Wow," he chuckled. "You look beautiful."

"Thanks," I blushed as I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. I smoothed out my dress again, looking down at my feet.

"Nervous?" He smirked as he walked over and grabbed my hands.

"Always," I chuckled. He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to my lips.

"It's going to be okay," he smirked when he broke the kiss. "Besides, I'm the one who should be nervous. I bring you along with me so you can keep me calm."

The whole drive to his premiere, my stomach was in knots. The idea of constantly being around my secret boyfriend and the girl I've been secretly comparing myself to made me sick.

We pulled into the theater and everything happened as if someone was fast-forwarding through the night. We walked the red carpet, but when we got to the paparazzi, he was taken away from me. They didn't want pictures of us. They wanted pictures of Zac and Heather.

I stood to the side, my arms wrapped around myself as I watched them take pictures. The more poses they went through and the closer they seemed to get together, the lower my stomach dropped. When it got too much, I turned on my heel and walked inside.

* * * * *

But how could I hate her? She's such an angel But then again, kinda wish she were dead. As she walks by, What a sight for sore eyes, Brighter than a blue sky. She's got you mesmerized, While I die.

The entire time we watched his movie, my heart was in my stomach. I found it incredibly hard to watch Zac on-screen fall in love with a girl ten times prettier than me.

I know how much my boyfriend loves me. I know he would never cheat on me or hurt me. I know I was being insecure, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was the off-brand version of Heather Manning.

Zac's new movie, The Lucky One, is based on the book written by Nicholas Sparks. Zac plays Logan Thibault, a US Marine who finds a photograph of a young woman while serving in Iraq. He carries it around as a good luck charm, and later tracks down the woman, Heather's character, Beth.

Watching Heather act was almost bewitching. I say almost because it's as painful as is it bewitching. I fought the tears as long as I could, but the longer I watched the man I'm in love with fall in love with another woman, the harder it got.

The tears finally started streaming down my cheeks as the movie came to an end. As Zac's and Heather's characters lived "happily ever after", I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed my bag and ignored Zac's questioning look as I ran out of the theatre.

* * * * *

Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater. It's just polyester, but you like her better. I wish I were Heather

"Y/N?!" Zac called out as he ran out of the theater following me. "Stop. Please!"

I froze but didn't turn around. I wrapped my arms around myself as I waited for Zac to speak up.

"Babe," he said, his voice barely audible. "What's going on with you?"

"Nothing," I stuttered.

"Y/N, come on," he sighed. "You've been acting kind of weird the past couple of weeks. Months, really. Talk to me, Y/N. Please? What's going on?"

"I can't do this," I whispered, more to myself than to him.

"What?" Zac asked, the annoyance building in his voice. "Just talk to me, Y/N. What's going on?"

"I can't do this anymore, Zac!" I yelled as I turned around. He froze when he saw the tears streaming down my cheeks.

"Y/N," he said softly, my name getting caught in his throat. "What are you. . ."

"All I hear about every day is which beautiful actress your fans want you to be with, what girls are worth your time, and what kind of girl should make you happy. And guess what! I'm not even close to any of them."

"Y/N," he tried to interrupt, but I didn't let him.

"And the worst part is that I agreed to this!" I laughed sarcastically. "We talked about it and both agreed to keep us a secret. But I wasn't. . ."

"Y/N," he tried again.

"I didn't know how hard this would be, Zac," I said, not skipping a beat. "Because it's incredibly hard. Keeping us a secret is emotionally draining and exhausting. I love you, Zac but. . . I don't know how much longer I can do this."

"Y/N, please," he said desperately. "We don't have. . ."

I shook my head, the tears no longer streaming down my cheeks as I slowly walked away from him. "You should be with Heather or someone like her. . . Not me."

"Y/N, what are you talking about?" Zac asked, running his hands through his hair. "Just. . . Slow down, okay? Can we sit down and talk about this?"

"No," I said, taking another step back. "This has been going on too long, Zac. And you know it. I can't. . . I'm not good enough for you. You deserve a beautiful actress or a model. And I'm not like that. I'm average. I don't even have a job."

"So?" He scoffed. "I don't care about that! We've known each other all of our lives, Y/N. And you aren't average. You're my best friend, the love of my life. Besides, I don't want some girl who's looking for her next big career move. I want someone who really knows me. I want you."

"Zac, please just stop," I said, my voice getting caught in my throat. "Why would you ever want me?"

"Why wouldn't I want you?" Zac laughed awkwardly but stopped when he saw the look on my face. "Y/N, baby, please. . ."

I shook my head as I took a few steps back. Before he could say anything or do anything, I turned on my heel and left.

* * * * *

I was laying down on our couch, my knees up to my chest. There were dried tears on my cheeks as I numbly watched the tv. I wasn't sure what I was watching or what was happening, but I didn't care.

I sucked in a breath when I heard the lock click and the door open. I resisted the urge to look at Zac as he walked in.

"Hey," he whispered. "I'm kind of surprised you're still up."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him take off his suit jacket and drape it over the Lazyboy. I bit my lip as he sat on the couch by my feet. I heard Zac sigh before laying down and pulling me into his chest. He spooned me, wrapping his arm around my waist.

"Can we please talk?" He whispered. I shrugged, knowing my voice would fail me. Besides, I said everything I had to say back at the theater.

"I had no idea that this was so hard on you," he sighed. "If I had known. . . I'm so sorry, babe. I should've known that keeping us a secret would be hard on you. But I. . . Damn, I've been really selfish, haven't I? I've been a horrible boyfriend," he whispered, rubbing his hands up and down his face. "I've been selfish and. . . I haven't. . ."

I finally looked at him when he sat up, but he didn't look towards me. Instead, he stared straight ahead, probably overthinking all of this. And that made me feel guilty.

"I am so sorry, Y/N." He shifted more towards me and grabbed my hands. "Things are going to be different. I promise. I am going to announce that we are dating, living together, everything. I am going to set up an interview to only talk about you. I'm going to take some time off so we can spend more time together. I'm so sorry I've been horrible to you."

"Zac," I said gently, interrupting him.

He stopped talking and waited for me to continue. I smiled as I reached up and cupped his cheek in my hand. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his. He deepened the kiss by wrapping his arms around me, pulling me closer to him.

He broke the kiss and leaned his forehead against mine. "I'm so sorry," he repeated. "So so sorry, babe. I should've. . . And I. . . I'm sorry."

"Hey," I said, leaning back so I could look at him. "I love you."

He smiled, looking as if he was relieved. "I love you too, Y/N. I'm so sorry."

"So you've said," I teased him. "Besides, I agreed to keep us a secret. I should've talked to you sooner instead of running out of your premiere. I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he said instantly. There was a brief moment of silence before Zac asked, "So. . . We're okay? I mean. . ."

I laughed as I cupped his cheek in my hand. "Of course we're okay. I love you, Zac. Always have, always will."

"I love you too," Zac whispered as he leaned in and pressed a short, gentle kiss to my lips. "Besides, why would I want Heather when I have you?"

Heather tried to kiss me. She's not even half as pretty. Yes, I gave her my sweater, But it's just polyester. And I like you better. I don't care for Heather.

#zac efron #zac efron imagines #zac efron x reader #wish i were heather

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mostlycompetentwriter · 4 years

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Hoodie Season

F/M Pairing: Y/N X Hwang Hyunjin

Genre: Married Life AU

Warnings: Smut and Language

Word Count: 7K

Note: Another requested Fic! Enjoyyyy

It was a Friday morning and I refused to leave the familiar comforts of my bed. With the addition of the sun hitting just right from the low-slanted window, I was prepared to give up on the possibility of moving from my comfortable position, even if that meant missing work today. After all, I endured an endless barrage of tiring conditions throughout the week, listening to adolescent teenagers gossip and complain about every possible topic. Therefore, this type of treatment was certainly warranted, even if the sounds of the traffic outside proved to be an annoying disturbance.

I let out a yawn, turning onto my side to face away from the street, pausing when I realized that there was something beneath my hand. I reluctantly pried open one eye, glancing down to see what I had just discovered. Irritation boiled beneath my skin when I realized several pregnancy magazines were strewn across the sheets. “What the hell?” I groaned, suddenly losing any prior interest in sleeping. I gathered the magazines together before storming into the kitchen where Hyunjin was sitting at the counter with a cup of coffee in hand. I tossed the magazines onto the empty space in front of him. “You’re not exactly subtle these days,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

My husband glanced up at me over the brim of his coffee mug. “What do you mean?” he asked with innocent eyes.

“I don’t want kids right now, Hyunjin,” I said, glowering at him once more. “Isn’t it enough that we deal with students every day at school?”

“But they’d be our kids, Y/N,” he pouted, attempting to hand me a magazine from atop the messy pile.

I ignored his offering, shaking my head while storming into the kitchen. “I don’t care if they’re our kids, I’m not ready!”

“They’re so cute though,” Hyunjin said, opening one of the covers. “Look at how small they are!”

“Yeah? Well, they won’t stay that small forever,” I said. “And then they’ll be just like those horny high school demons we deal with every day.”

“Aren’t you being dramatic?” he asked which was quite ironic coming from the Hwang Hyunjin, AKA, one of the most over-dramatic people I have ever met in my entire life. The same Hyunjin who demanded that they move Mr. Henderson into a new classroom because he was located right next to the library where I worked and Hyunjin was certain he was flirting with me.

“Babe, you can’t even pretend to be serious,” I said, reaching for the cereal from the top shelf. “I think you’re determined to test me today.”

“Our babies would be so beautiful,” Hyunjin went on as if he was refusing to listen to my counter-arguments.

“You’re only acting like this because one of your friends had a kid.”

“Maybe,” Hyunjin shrugged, joining me in the kitchen as I spooned more Fruit Loops into my mouth. “But you can’t tell me that you weren’t enamored with your nieces at my mom’s Christmas party.”

“I was just being nice,” I grumbled, ignoring the way Hyunjin was now clambering for my attention, arms wrapped around my waist. Hyunjin was always clingy in the mornings, fresh-faced with the lingering effects of sleep clouding his eyes.

“Can you at least pretend to think about it?” Hyunjin whined.

“Maybe if you’re good,” I said, loosening his hold which allowed me to slip through to the other side of the counter. “Don’t forget that your little PR stunt woke me up early this morning, babe, and I don’t forgive easily.”

“Don’t act like you hated it,” Hyunjin said, reaching for the car keys out of the small dish we kept by the door. “Am I driving?”

“How else will I intake my daily caffeine addiction?” I asked, pouring the remaining coffee into a travel mug. “But slow down in the school zone, I don’t think our bank account can take another traffic violation.”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes. “I was barely over the limit.”

I grinned at the way he tried to defend himself. “Give me twenty minutes to make myself look decent.”

“Wouldn’t want to scare the kids, right Y/N?”

“Thin ice, Hyunjin, you’re very close to sleeping on the couch tonight.”

Hyunjin smirked because he knew my threats were empty. I was weak for my husband and he liked to exploit my affections for him at every opportunity possible. For example, last night he pretended to be super excited for the new season of the Bachelor (even though he hates the show) just because he wanted me sat in his lap while he did his best to decorate my neck with colorful marks.

In conclusion, Hyunjin was my kryptonite, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Hyunjin and I arrived at school fifteen minutes early, parting ways in the mostly full parking lot because the students definitely didn’t need to see the way he liked to grope my ass when we kissed. Despite working together, I rarely saw Hyunjin throughout the day unless he made-up some excuse to come see me in the library. But this was a rare occurrence since Hyunjin, as a dance teacher, really had no valid reason to need library resources.

Speaking of which, the library, at my personal request, was the glorified version of an introvert’s paradise. It was always quiet, thanks to my meticulous monitoring, and was equipped with a small digital lab and self-named “relaxation room” where students (and staff) could enjoy a variety of stuffed couches and reclinable chairs to simply forget about the other horrors of high school. I was especially proud of the library’s progress, updating equipment and technology yearly due to my persistence in applying for a variety of government grants. Yes, I was satisfied with my status as the school’s “cool” librarian who enforced the strict library rules of conduct while also allowing a smidgen of favoritism when one of my students brought in a candy bar to eat during lunch.

Of course, such sanctity was frequently disrupted by my husband and his friends who demonstrated absolutely no regard for silence. Han Jisung was the worst of them all, waltzing into the library in stride to ask for whatever set of books he needed for his English classes. While I prepared the cart, he would talk relentlessly about everything from his ex-girlfriends to the much-dreaded topic of his endless stories about Hyunjin’s wilder days back in college. “I wish you could’ve been there, Y/N,” Jisung would snort. “Hyunjin took shots like they were water.”

“Yes, I know,” I would grumble while ordering him to leave the library before the remaining students were permanently traumatized.

And when Hyunjin would visit me, which seemed unnecessary considering he taught dance classes, he always made sure to completely take over my office, feet propped up on my desk while pouting at me to sit on his lap. Which was the opposite of professional considering the masses of students lingering around the bookshelves. But that never seemed to deter Hyunjin who always found a new and creative excuse to visit the library.

Like begging me to allow him to use my coffee machine.

“Y/N,” Hyunjin said, following me as I navigated the complicated filing system in the backroom. “I’m only asking because Jisung broke the one in the teacher’s lounge! And you know it might take weeks before they purchase a replacement.”

“Interesting,” I said, thumbing across the file tabs. “We have a coffee machine at home, don’t we, babe?”

Hyunjin was quiet for a moment. “But what if I need more coffee later on?”

“One cup should be enough,” I nodded. “Caffeine isn’t good for you.”

“It’s actually great for me,” Hyunjin said. “If I didn’t have coffee, then I would be completely shut down by lunchtime.”

“I seriously doubt that,” I objected with a laugh.

“Y/N,” Hyunjin tried again. “As your husband-”

“- is that supposed to convince me?”

Hyunjin frowned. “I’ll clean the dishes and do the laundry until the machine in the lounge is fixed.”

I perked up instantly. “Well, I suppose I can make an exception for you...”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, starting for the small kitchen connected to my office. “I should have unlimited access.”

“And I should treat all my coworkers the same.”

“I’m offended, Y/N, please don’t tell me you’re sleeping with the other teachers.”

I glared at him. “For your information, you’re the one who's always touting professionalism in the workplace.”

“But that was before I started to miss you during the day,” Hyunjin said, adjusting the settings on my coffee machine. “You have a safe haven in the library.”

“It gets the job done,” I said, joining him at the machine. “Did you know we had a new student at school?”

“Yang Jeongin?” he asked, pulling back his mug to take a sip. “He’s in my first-period dance class.”

“That’s him,” I nodded. “I noticed that always comes in here during lunch. Do you think he has any friends?”

“I don’t know,” Hyunjin mused. “I don’t see him interacting with his classmates.”

I shivered because the topic at hand reminded me too strongly of my own experiences in high school. “I feel bad for him.”

“I’m sure he’s fine, babe,” Hyunjin reassured me. “If it makes you feel better, then I could talk to him tomorrow?”

“Would you do that for me?” I asked, holding on to his arm.

“Of course,” Hyunjin said. “Unlike you, I don’t ask for much when I’m doing something nice for my spouse.”

“Who else is going to keep you in check?” I asked him, pushing myself off from the counter.

Hyunjin gave my ass a polite swat on my way out the door. “Remember that we’re meeting Jisung and his new girlfriend for dinner.”

I groaned at the reminder. “Explain to me again, babe, why do we have to do that?”

“Because he’s my best friend,” Hyunjin said. “And he’s trying to make things less awkward.”

“Are we going to show up for all of his dates?” I asked. “To keep things less awkward?”

“You’re honestly just as dramatic as I am,” Hyunjin commented. “He’s only asking me for a small favor, and...” He leaned in to whisper in my ear. “If you’re a good girl, then I might reward you when we get home later.”

I swallowed hard. “It’s been a while since we’ve been out, hasn’t it?”

Hyunjin grinned at my willing compliance.

Han Jisung’s new girlfriend was...interesting, to say the least. She arrived with her arm tucked securely around Jisung’s while dressed in a bright pink mini-skirt and lime green crop-top that left very little to the imagination. The moment she walked into the restaurant, every pair of eyes watched as she shimmied through the tables, greeting Hyunjin and I like we had known each other since childhood. “You guys look great!” she exclaimed, leaning across the table to offer my cheek a polite tap. “Girl, you have to tell me who does your hair.”

“Oh...” I trailed off, glancing at Hyunjin anxiously because my husband had forgotten to mention that we were meeting an eccentric child. Because Jisung’s girlfriend didn’t look a day over the legal age.

“I’m Hailey,” she announced, smacking her gum obnoxiously.

Meanwhile, Jisung was smiling like an idiot. “I hope we’re not late.”

“Of course not,” Hyunjin said and I rolled my eyes since apparently being half an hour late for your reservation was perfectly acceptable.

“Holy shit, you look like a runway model!” Haily declared, pointing at Hyunjin with exaggerated motions. “Honey, you didn’t tell me that you were friends with someone this gorgeous.”

I frowned at the comment while Hyunjin just shifted uncomfortably next to me. “Thank you?”

“Jinnie’s always been a lady killer,” Jisung said, pulling out Hailey’s chair before taking the seat next to Hyunjin.

“But you’re all married now,” Hailey pouted as if she was actually disappointed with Hyunjin’s marital status despite the fact that she had come here with Jisung.

“2 years,” Hyunjin said with a dramatic flourish of his wrist. “Woohoo!”

“Y’all got kids and stuff right?” Hailey asked, ignoring the waiter who had arrived at our table, clearing his throat to get her attention. Thankfully, Jisung had enough sense to dismiss him with a request for two glasses of water.

“Not yet,” Hyunjin said, more attentive now that the topic had switched to a topic that he favored. “We’re planning on having two or three.”

I kept my mouth firmly shut because Hyujin was clearly living in an alternate universe. “That’s amazing,” Haily gushed, leaning into Jisung. “Did you hear that, Sungie? Isn’t that like the ultimate dream?”

“Is it?” Jisung questioned, offering Haily a gentle kiss. “Do you want kids someday?”

“A whole house full of them,” Hailey exclaimed and Hyunjin offered me a shit-eating grin like that somehow proved that I was in the wrong for denying him any children.

“We’re still talking about it,” I effectively inserted.

“Sungie tells me that you’re both teachers,” she continued, driving the conversation in an entirely new direction.

“I’m a librarian technician,” I said. “Hyunjin teaches dance.”

“Wow,” Hailey gushed. “That’s so cool, Hyunjin.”

I grimaced because apparently, Librarians weren’t as qualified to be considered cool. “I’m lucky that I have such willing students,” Hyunjin said, nodding appreciatively.

Sometimes, Hyunjin loved being the center of attention.

“I’m in like some sort of dance club at my university,” Hailey said and I nearly choked on my wine.

“You’re in college?” Hyunjin asked, flashing Jisung a reprimanding look that sent the younger into a rapid explanation.

“She’s a Senior,” Jisung said as if that made everything better. “You’re graduating soon, right babe?”

“Supposedly,” Hailey said, making a mess of the breadsticks in the center of the table. “I have to somehow pass this boring math lecture first.”

Hyunjin was not convinced and neither was I considering Jisung’s problematic history of dating younger girlfriends. “How long have you been with Jisung?”

“I don’t know,” Haily shrugged indifferently. “Maybe two weeks.”

“And are you staying on campus, Hailey?” I asked the young girl who nodded affirmatively.

“Jisung wants me to move in though,” Hailey said and that was the last straw for Hyunjin who abruptly stood from the table.

“Jisung,” my husband murmured quietly. “Let’s talk outside for a moment.”

Jisung bowed his head, cheeks flushed because he knew that Hyunjin was moments away from one of his famous lectures. “Okay.”

Hailey was silent until they were out of earshot. “That was weird, right?”

I feigned indifference, even as my mind thought up several creative ways to kick Jisung’s ass for trying things out with someone who was at least ten years younger than him. Which wouldn’t have been a problem if said significant other was employed at some kind of big business as opposed to the salon next to her university. But I didn’t want to let Hailey know that anything was amiss, so I reached across to grab her hand. “Everything’s fine.”

Internally, I was screaming at the top of my lungs.

I woke up to the feeling of Hyunjin’s hard erection pressing against my ass. “Babe,” I groaned, attempting to fend off the lingering effects of sleep.

Hyunjin grunted from behind me, drawing his hips in methodical circles. “What?”

“Your dick,” was all I could manage before yawning over my words.

“Fuck, I was having a good dream,” Hyunjin whined. “Remember that bathing suit you wore on our honeymoon?”

“The bikini?”

“Yeah, I still think about it a lot.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re hard because of my bathing suit?”

“More precisely, you in the bathing suit.”

“Whatever,” I said, rubbing my face against my pillow. “The alarm hasn’t gone off yet.”

“That gives us time,” Hyunjin said suggestively, drawing a hand along the contour of my hip bone.

“To sleep.”

“No, Y/N,” Hyunjin countered, presence heavy as he drew himself up higher against the headboard. “You don’t even have to do anything.”

“Fine,” I muttered. “But don’t blame me if I fall asleep.”

“You know my dick’s better than that,” Hyunjin said, fussing over my panties as he pulled them down beneath the sheets. His fingers dug into my thigh, lifting my leg to a more comfortable position over his hip. I could feel his cock, thick and prodding, as he adjusted himself behind me.

“Are you ever gonna put it in?” I asked drowsily, wincing at the sudden penetration of his cock inside. “Shit, slow down you animal!”

“Sorry,” he murmured, slowing drawing out before pushing back in at a more acceptable pace.

“Slow is good,” I continued, adrenaline rushing through my sleep-deprived body, reacting to his advances with tentative thrusts back against him.

“It’s good, right?” Hyunjin asked with a touch of arrogance, reaching around me to play with my clit.

“It’s always good,” I said, deciding to satiate his ego for once, especially now that I was fully aroused, cognizant of the heavy drag of Hyunjin’s cock.

His vacant hand wandered up my shirt, teasing a nipple as he continued to punctuate each heavy drag of his cock with a low grunt of effort. “I feel like it’s been ages since we did this.”

“I guess you’re still horny from the ego boost Jisung’s girlfriend gave you last night.”

“What are you talking about?”

I imitated her voice. “Oh, Hyunjin, you must be in great shape from dancing all the time.”

“She’s right,” Hyunjin said, tightening his hold as he kicked his hips aggressively, slamming into me like he was trying to make a point. “Have you seen my thighs, babe?”

“I like to ride them.”

“Fuck,” Hyunjin cursed, pressing even more insistently at my clit while his cock continued to fill my core. “I feel like a teenager again.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think I can last much longer either,” I said, panting as Hyunjin started to increase the power of his thrusts, chasing his own orgasm while I focused on the way it felt to be stimulated by his skilled fingers and impressive girth.

“Can I cum inside?” he asked, voice desperate but I remembered that I forgot to take my birth control pill the other day.

“Outside,” I said, reaching back to push against his chest. “I’ll suck your dick.”

“Please,” Hyunjin agreed without hesitation, pulling out with a wince while I tried to steady my shaky legs, straddling his thigh while leaning down for his cock. Hyunjin curled his fingers through my hair, directing my head to the tip, allowing my tongue to get its first taste of his pre-cum.

I hollowed my cheeks, taking in as much of his cock as I could before I felt the tip barely touch the back of my throat. Still, it was enough to make me gag and I pulled back to avoid the risk of walking around school with a sore throat all day. I took the remainder of his cock into my hand, tightening my grip at the base which rewarded me with a loud moan from Hyunjin. Meanwhile, I had slowly started to rock myself back and forth on his thigh, aiming for my own release while trying to encourage Hyunjin to cum down my throat.

“Beautiful,” he said, eyes filled with tears and adoration as he watched me take in more of his cock, nose brushing against his skin.

It only took a few more moments for Hyunjin to finally cum, throwing back his head as his hips jolted against the bed. I swallowed him down with a grimace because I still hated the taste of cum no matter how many times I offered him a blowjob. Pulling off his spent cock, I focused on myself, reaching down to give my clit a few more well-placed strokes before I was following him into a hormone-induced coma.

I fell against his chest, allowing him to run his hand up and down my back. “Babe, you’re my hero.”

I snorted at his comment. “What time is it?”

“We still have five minutes.”

“Good,” I groaned. “I’ll need every second to recover.”

Hyunjin chuckled. “Want to take your mind off it?”

“Maybe,” I said, appreciating his warmth. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Jisung,” Hyunjin said. “I gave him a stern lecture last night.”

“You go, babe.”

“Seriously, I can’t believe he’s dating a college student.”

“The Han Jisung? Nothing he does surprises me.”

“He says he really likes this girl.”

“No offense,” I said. “But I hope that was to defend himself because the girl is a nightmare.”

“Might finally put Jisung in his place.”

“Nobody can do that,” I said, using my arms to leverage myself back into a sitting position. “How bad is my hair?”

“My fingers weren’t helpful.”

“A shower then,” I nodded, glancing back at the bathroom. “You wanna join?”

Hyunjin’s breath caught. “I think you’re spoiling me, babe.”

It had become a recurring pattern, watching Jeongin walk into the library during his scheduled lunch period. Every day, he sat down at one of the computers in the lab to play some kind of online game that I didn’t protest since he wasn’t disturbing the other students. Truthfully, I didn’t really care one way or another, but I was starting to feel like Jeongin was intentionally avoiding his classmates. I understood that it was probably hard to transfer schools, but to attend classes by yourself with no friends to support you?

I shuddered at the thought, making up my mind as I carefully approached him. “Jeongin,” I said, awkwardly leaning against the side of the computer desk. “That was the bell for lunch.”

The younger boy glanced up to me timidly. “Oh, well I thought it was okay for students to spend lunch in the library.”

“It is,” I acknowledged. “But I thought you might want to spend some time with your friends.”

Jeongin ducked his head down, cheeks blushing red. “Not really.”

“Okay,” I said, struggling to finish my thoughts before spotting Hyunjin walking into the library. “I’ll be right back,” I said before practically sprinting to meet Hyunjin in my office. “Come here,” I said, pulling him to the side. “We have a problem.”

“I know,” he said with tired eyes. “I have no coffee.”

“Hyunjin,” I chastised him quietly. “That new kid always spends his lunch period in the library. He says he’s not interested in hanging out with anyone.”

“Well, that’s his choice,” Hyunjin said. “Some kids are really shy.”

“I know,” I grumbled. “But you know I was the same way in high school and I regret it now, hiding in the library during lunch because I had nobody to sit with.”

“You were a nerd too,” Hyunjin giggled.

“Do you want to keep using the coffee machine?”

“Sorry, babe.”

“Anyway,” I continued. “I think we should help Jeongin make some new friends. What about group activities in your dance classes?”

“I guess,” Hyunjin relented. “But I don’t want to force him.”

“You assign the groups then,” I said. “And let me know how he reacts.”

“Well, just based on what I’ve seen so far, he definitely prefers to be alone.”

“Then we have to reach out to him,” I said, holding tight to Hyunjin’s arm. “Nobody should be alone all the time.”

“He may not like it if we try to force him into something.”

“Then we back off if he shows any signs of being uncomfortable,” I said, raising my hands in surrender. “A compromise.”

“If you really insist,” Hyunjin said, gliding past me for the coffee machine. “I’ll do my best, and I’ll let Chan and the others know.”

“Oh!” I gasped. “That’s a great idea! I can talk to the other teachers in the lounge!”

Hyunjin chuckled. “I thought you hated the teacher’s lounge?”

“Yeah? Well, I’m making an exception for the betterment of a student,” I proclaimed, waiting until Hyunjin finished refilling his coffee mug before ushering him out into the hallway. “Who’s usually in there?” I asked as we walked together.

“Jisung,” Hyunjin said. “Maybe Chan and Felix.”

“Chan and Jisung might be helpful,” I conceded. “What about Felix? Does Jeongin take art classes?”

“Babe, I don’t have his schedule memorized.”

“That’s first on the list,” I said with a nod.

We both paused outside the lounge as I attempted to listen in on the conversation progressing behind closed doors. “Who is that?”

Hyunjin chuckled, reaching past me for the door handle. He pushed it open wide, allowing us enough room to join the small group of teachers loitering between scheduled classes. “Y/N!” Jisung immediately greeted me, waltzing over to take my arm. “You never come in the lounge.”

“I’m making an exception,” I said, allowing Jisung to pull me to the table where Chan, Felix, and Changbin were all sitting together.

“You guys,” I said, sliding into an available seat. “What’s going on?”

Changbin eyed me suspiciously. “You never come here unless you want something.”

From behind my chair, Hyunjin snorted. “It’s one hell of a mission.”

“I knew it!” Felix declared, leaning back in his chair. “What sort of personal vendetta do you have now?”

“I’m offended,” I said, crossing my arms sternly over my chest. “Aren’t we all friends?”

“Of course we are, Y/N,” Chan said soothingly, ever the voice of reason.

“Exactly,” I agreed. “Which is why I need your help.”

Felix groaned, but I quickly jumped in to assure him. “It’s about that new kid, Yang Jeongin.”

“What about him?” Changbin grunted. “Other than the fact that he hates running exercises.”

“He’s taking gym?”

Changbin nodded, picking at the meager salad in front of him. “I don’t understand why.”

“Because it’s destiny,” I said, holding out my arms. “We’re meant to help guide him down the right path.”

“What path is that?” Changbin asked.

“The path of redemption,” I said, elbowing Hyunjin from behind when I heard him laughing. “He’s always in the library during free periods. I don’t think he’s adjusting to the school.”

“It happens with transfers,” Felix shrugged.

“But we can do something to help him,” I said. “Encourage him to make new friends and meet new classmates.”

“You want us to help with your ‘No Child Left’ behind agenda?” Changbin asked.

“I want you to help me lift a student’s self-confidence,” I said. “Jeongin is a sweet kid. He just needs a good push in the right direction.”

“Basically,” Hyunjin interrupted, leaning over me. “Y/N had no friends in high school and she wishes that there was a kind, sweet librarian with a great ass to help guide her way.”

“Don’t bring my ass into this,” I said, ducking away from his hold. “So what do you guys think?”

Felix sipped at his tea. “He’s not in any of my classes, but I guess it’s worth a shot.”

“Why not?” Jisung suddenly commented. “I think it’s a good idea.”

“You’re just trying to make up for last night’s dinner disaster,” I said, “but I’m willing to let you this time.”

Jisung let out a whoop while Changbin and Chan considered my words. “It’s fine with me,” Chan said. “Changbin?”

“Alright,” Changbin relented. “But this is your fault if the kid turns against us.”

“Trust me, nothing bad is gonna happen.”

A few days later, I received an urgent notice from the nurse’s office which was surprising considering the fact that I was usually stuck in the library all day. I sighed over my ever-growing stack of paperwork, gathering my cell phone before leaving the sanctity of my quiet office. There was an order form calling my name that I had been neglecting for several weeks now, but I figured that the unexpected notice could prove to be a legitimate distraction. After all, I was quite curious concerning why I was suddenly needed away from the library.

I paused outside the door to the nurse’s office, trying to listen to the sounds of conversation. Faint voices filtered through the barrier, including one that sounded awfully familiar. I held my breath as I walked inside, discovering my husband lying on top of the examination table. Hyunjin winced as the school nurse wrapped an ice pack around his ankle. “Fuck it hurts.”

“Hyunjin,” I said his name and my husband turned around to face me with a start. “What happened?”

“Y/N,” Hyunjin cried while reaching out for me. “Why did you take so long?”

“Really?” I immediately questioned him. “Babe, you’re the one with a bandage on your foot.”

“Well, yeah,” he said. “I twisted my ankle.”

I closed my eyes before releasing a sigh. “How did this happen?”

“Student-teacher race,” Hyunjin replied as if that possibly provided enough context for me to understand.

“A race?”

“Changbin thought it might be fun if the students competed against the teachers,” Hyunjin explained. “Like a reward.”

“You’re rewarding the students by putting your life in danger?”

“My life was never in danger, Y/N,” Hyunjin said with a sigh.

“Then why are you hurt?” I asked him, reaching over to land a scolding hit to his arm.

“Hey!” Hyunjin complained, holding his bicep now despite the ice packet still resting over his ankle.

“You idiot,” I groaned. “You aren’t 16 anymore. Why are you trying to outrace a bunch of student-athletes anyway?”

“Maybe I did it for you,” Hyunjin announced dramatically, falling rather ungracefully against the table.

“Why is participating in a race so important to me?”

“You said you wanted to get closer to that Jeongin kid,” Hyunjin explained. “He asked me to run with them.”

“Jeongin did?” I asked, suddenly unable to stop myself from laughing, practically slumping over Hyunjin’s lap.

“What’s so funny?”

“I may have told him a funny story about his dance instructor from your college days.”

Hyunjin gasped. “You didn’t!”

I shrugged. “I was trying to make him feel better.”

“By outing my humiliating secrets?”

“It was a worthy sacrifice, babe,” I said with a grin. “Just be glad I wasn’t there to watch it happen.”

“You’re always so supportive,” Hyunjin said, faintly protesting when I leaned down to offer him a gentle kiss. “Is this an apology?”

“I’m really proud of you, Hyunjin,” I said, reaching down to adjust the pillow propping his ankle.

“Whatever,” Hyunjin grumbled. “The kid was important to you.”

“But you didn’t have to go that far,” I said, gliding my fingers through his hair because I knew he loved the action.

“Maybe you can blow me later and all will be forgiven.”

“Done.”

The following week, I spotted Jeongin walking through the library on his way to class. He paused at one of the bookshelves, fingers skimming the faded spines. “Hey!” I said, catching his attention. “You weren’t in the library yesterday.”

“I know,” he said with a wide smile. “I was eating with some friends.”

My heart warmed at his words. “Really?”

“Yeah,” he said, eyes trained downward. “They seem pretty cool.”

“Jeongin,” I cooed because it was impossible to resist his adorable smile. “I’m really glad to hear that.”

“I know you had something to do with it,” the younger boy said and my smile instantly disappeared. “But it’s okay, I’m really glad you decided to help me.”

“Jeongin..” I started but broke off when I took a moment to study the crooked aspect to his knowing grin.

The doors to the library interrupted the brief silence that had descended between us, and Chan walked in with his eyes scanning over a folder that he held between his hands. “Ah! I’m interrupting something,” he said, looking back and forth between me and Jeongin.

“Oh, I was on my way out,” Jeongin said, bowing respectfully to Chan as he passed him.

Chan watched him go before looking to me for answers. “Is everything okay?”

“Of course,” I said, quickly switching the subject. “Did you need something?”

“Just a class copy of these books,” Chan said, holding up his folder. “Do you think you can help me bring them back to my classroom?”

“Why not?” I shrugged, taking the folder from Chan. “I have some free time before I have to file a few things.”

I guided Chan around the library to collect the books on his list, casually talking with him about one of the new teachers in the Science department. “Minho?” I said, vacantly scanning the barcodes of a display with textbooks.

“Yeah, he’s starting next week,” Chan said, grunting as he adjusted his hold on the giant stack of books collecting in his arms.

“Should be interesting,” I said, adding one last textbook to the pile in Chan’s arms. “Is this everything?”

“I hope so,” Chan grumbled. “Do you need my teacher ID?”

“I’ll scan it later,” I said, watching him struggle. “Let’s go before these end up on the floor.”

Chan let out a grateful sigh, and I maintained a careful distance at his side to ensure that my precious books wouldn’t suddenly drop from his hold. Thankfully, Chan seemed to have everything under control, like he was prone to do in most aspects of his life for which I was grateful. “Jeongin’s doing much better,” Chan remarked to me in passing as we walked together to his classroom.

“Yeah, he really seems to be opening up, especially after Hyunjin’s stunt in the gym.”

Chan snorted at the reminder. “I wish you could have been there, Y/N. But, if you’re curious, Changbin has the whole incident on video.”

“I’d love to see that...” I trailed off, spotting Hyunjin approaching on his new crutches.

“You know, I could hear you all the way over here!”

“Hyunjin,” I said, meeting him halfway so that he wouldn’t need to walk as far. “I was planning to come by and see you.”

“My arms hurt constantly,” Hyunjin said, adjusting his stance. “Honestly, I don’t even think these things are necessary.”

“Doctor’s orders,” I said swiftly, directing a quick goodbye to Chan before I was redirecting Hyunjin back to his classroom. “And don’t even try to demonstrate any crazy dance choreographies for these kids.”

“How else are they gonna learn?” Hyunjin demanded, even as he leaned more of his weight against my side for additional support.

Later that night, after a rather long day of ensuring that Hyunjin didn’t try to do anything too outrageous, the two of us finally returned home. I was rather proud of myself since Hyunjin was still in one piece. I half-expected to receive another call from the nurse’s office because my husband decided he needed to show off his moonwalk to impress his students.

In any case, what Hyunjin didn’t know was that I had started thinking a lot about the future, especially after everything that he did to help Jeongin. Suddenly, the idea of having kids was a lot less unappealing. This is why I immediately started for the bathroom, a new purpose driving my steps, while Hyunjin carefully made his way across the living room.

I opened the medicine cabinet to retrieve a familiar box, returning to our shared bedroom to find Hyunjin laying in bed, phone in hand as his eyelids fought to stay open. Gingerly, I handed him my current prescription of birth control, watching as he struggled to focus. “What’s this?”

“Surprise!”

“Isn’t there an easier way to tell me that you’re running low?”

I rolled my eyes at his question. “That’s not what I meant.”

Hyunin frowned, taking the box from me. “It’s almost 9:00, Y/N.”

“You’re really bad at subliminal messages,” I said, kneeling down on the bed. “I’m giving the rest of the prescription to you because I’m not taking it anymore.”

Hyunjin’s eyes slowly widened as he processed my words. “But that means...

“I don’t mind the idea of kids anymore,” I said. “Especially if they turn out like Jeongin.”

“Y/N,” Hyunjin grinned, wordlessly tackling me against the bed. “Are you sure you’re ready?”

“I am,” I informed him, tracing my fingers across his pretty lips. “I want to have kids with you. Preferably a boy, so we should start eating a ton of potassium.”

“What?”

“To increase our chances, Hyunjin,” I said. “There’s science behind the kind of diet you eat.”

“You’re trying to tell me that if I eat more potassium, then we’ll have a boy?”

“Well, it helps our chances.”

Hyunjin still appeared doubtful, but his eyes were warm. “Whatever you want.”

“That’s right,” I agreed brightly, wrapping my arms around his neck to draw him in closer.

“Y/N, I love you,” Hyunjin said, leaning down for a sweet kiss. “You know how much this means to me.”

“I know,” I agreed, snuggling up against his chest. “For the record, I love you more.”

“Should we put that to the test?”

I closed my eyes as I resisted a smile. “Goodnight, Hyunjin.”

#stray kids #stray kids fanfic #stay kids smut #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin fanfic #hyunjin smut

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kimikitty96 · 4 years

Text

Goodbye Letter to my Eating Disorder

It’s been hard. The past 3 years were so difficult, I’m surprised I haven’t completely lost myself. From having relationship problems, to deaths in my family (my brother and kitty died), to being sexually assaulted in the gym, to almost losing my mom this past year...suffice it to say, it’s been rather difficult.

I turned to my old “friend”, Edward. We “met” when I was 8 years old, and lost touch when I started working at 21 years old. Or, at least I thought we lost touch; he just put on a mask. But here he was again. He was there for me when I was struggling the most. No one else understood my pain the way he did, and no one numbed me like he did. He gave me the drive and motivation to get out of bed and to go to the gym; he kept me from faltering on my diet and turn to comfort eating; he continued to cheer me on when I made mistakes and would tell me to keep going. When I have injuries, he’d tell me that my initial weight loss was not due to me exercising, but my eating habits and to not worry, I can still continue! When I got sexually assaulted at my gym, he said to me that I never have to go back to that gym, and that I can go anywhere else to get my “Brazilian Booty”. He suggested I take a trip to Vegas and just enjoy myself, then come back and get serious.

He comforted me when my fiance would reject me, saying if I listened to him, I won’t need my fiance because I’d be able to attract the guy I really wanted, that all I needed was a little push. When my kitty passed away, Edward allowed me to grieve and to celebrate her life by going to a buffet and enjoying seafood, on one condition: I had to make sure that I was right back on track by making sure that I would “let my body rest” from food for a couple of days.

Last July (2019), I went into PHP because I knew something was seriously wrong. Edward was no longer helping me. His voice grew louder in my head, and what used to be gentle nudging became more forceful, more frustrated. Here was his evolution:

-”Oh, you want carbs? Well, that’s okay! You can have carbs and use it as energy for the gym when doing cardio/lower body workout tomorrow! Just make sure you lower your fat intake, okay?”

-”Yes! There’s a food festival! Make sure you get your 10k steps before you go, okay? We’ll eat everything we want, just like those fitness people do on YouTube! You’ve earned it!”

-”Oh, you gained weight...again. I mean...maybe you should lower your calories again. You’re eating a bit more than you’re supposed to, so just make sure your weekly calories are where they’re supposed to be.”

-”Lord, you failed an exam??? Okay, you need to hit the gym harder so you can focus better.”

-”[Fiance] refused to touch you again? It’s been a month since the last time? Why do you even want him to touch you at this point? You should just think about that guy who molested you at the gym, since that’s all you can get at this point.”

“You failed another exam? Jesus christ, you need to focus harder. You’ll never finish community college and get into [#1 dream school] if you continue like this! But if you let your body rest from food, you’ll have mental clarity and will remember your course material better.”

-”Oh, fiance said no to you again. You really need to stop having these “cheat days” or “cheat meals”. He’s getting more and more grossed out by you every day.”

-“Why can’t you just stop eating the junk foods you’re eating? You were able to do it before. You’re so stupid, you can’t even get this right. You know what? I’m going to test your willpower. Go out and buy junk food, and stare at it and say no!”

-”See, he’s flirting with so many other women at his work. This is why he won’t touch you. You’re stupid and ugly; you’re worth nothing unless you are at the top of your class, and weigh less than [UGW]!”

-”Why can’t you stop eating?!?! Why do you have the willpower of a drug addict?! You’re nothing! Get rid of that! You don’t deserve your meal! GET RID OF IT NOW!”

-”JESUS CHRIST, YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID! IT’S YOUR FAULT YOUR FIANCE DON’T WANT YOU! YOU’RE WORTH LESS THAN NOTHING! YOU DESERVED BEING GROPED AT THE GYM BECAUSE THAT IS YOUR WORTH!”

-”See? You failed a class you already took! This is how stupid and [ableist expletive] you are. You can’t even do that shit right. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU HAVE NEGATIVE WORTH.”

-”Your brother died because he had diabetes. Your mother almost died because of diabetes. They couldn’t control; the shit they put in their mouths, and you will end up with the same fate because your dumb ass can’t even say no to a chip.”

-”Oh, you lost another friend? That’s because you’re a piece of shit. You’ve always been a piece of shit. You deserve to be alone. No one should be subjected to the bullshit that is you. You should just KYS.”

-”No, you can’t have that! You can’t touch food unless I say so! I don’t care that it’s been a week!”

-”No don’t touch food! It’s all poison! It’s going to kill you! Look what it did to your mom and brother! You’re gonna lose your dad too because all food is poison! DON’T TOUCH ANY FOODSTUFFS!!!”

*Me, fainting, at home alone, because I haven’t eaten in a week and my heart rate is in the low 50′s*

-”Why are you being an attention whore? Stop your bitch ass whining and go pee.”

*My response* “Bitch, there’s no one here! Who am I being an attention whore to, my cats?!”

-”Yes! Now stop being a whiny bitch and go pee!”

-”Why are you still here? Why aren’t you doing everyone on this earth a favor and disappear. No one would miss you. They’re not even thinking of you right now. No one misses you now. Everyone is just pretending to like you because they feel sorry for you. They actually really hate you. Just disappear. They don’t want you around anyway.”

-”Leave. Disappear. No one wants you. Just take [redacted], and go to sleep.”

Edward was not helping me. He made it seem like he was, but he wasn’t. He entered my life during a time when I was vulnerable and made me believe he would be my redemption. He knew me; he knew what was best for me. He could make me better/stronger/more beautiful/more desirable/smarter; all I had to do was listen.

That’s not who he is. He is a monster. He’s worse than that; he is pure evil that nothing and no one should ever allowed in. He took what I give him, and it’s not enough. It’s never enough. Once I did what he told me to do, he tells me to go farther because while it’s good, I can do better; I can be better. He destroyed everything I touch and turned it against me so that I couldn’t rely on anyone but him. He isolated me and introduced me to his partner-in-crime, Shame. The more Edward spoke, the more Shame consumed.

When I thought Edward was giving me drive and motivation to go workout so I could improve myself, in reality, he was telling me my body was grotesque and that I needed to punish myself because I mistreated my body. When he tried to keep me from faltering on my diet, he was telling me I shouldn’t eat [xyz] so I can be healthy, when in reality, he was encouraging me to binge/purge/restrict/fast, causing heart palpitations, unstable-low blood pressure, gastrointestinal distress, brain fog, increased bouts of depression, and severe low self esteem; instead of being healthy, he made me extremely unhealthy. When he continued to cheer me on whenever I injured myself due to too much physical exertion and would tell me to “reign my diet in”, the reality was that he caused these injuries by telling me that I had to keep going no matter how hard I trained, that I couldn’t eat enough calories so I could heal and recover, and that even though I was injured, I couldn’t rest and had to continue to exercise. When I got sexually assaulted at my gym, he graciously allowed me to transfer gyms and continue to workout and ignore my mental health when in reality...he wanted to keep me mentally weak so that I would continue to rely on him because he made clothes fit better.

He made it so clothes can fit better; clothes I bought, that I wasn’t allowed to wear, because my body wasn’t where he wanted it to be, therefore I didn’t deserve to wear them yet.

The past few months have been the most difficult out of the 3 years I’d been struggling; COVID, finishing school and transferring to uni, cheating on my fiance, my mom almost dying (twice), and really delving deep inside me to come to terms with everything I went through and being completely honest with myself...I never want to go through that again. But I am extremely grateful I did, because I saw who Edward really was. I saw him for the toxic, vile, awful evil entity he always was, and now I get to say goodbye.

To Edward:

Thank you for who you were when you back into my life (again). Thank you for helping me cope with my issues, and for keeping my head afloat; you did the best you could, given the circumstances you had. I was broken, hurt, lost, and saw nothing good in me. You showed me that I can be better, and that I can do better. I just have to push a little harder, and I’ll eventually get what I want.

You gave me something to hold on to in the beginning, and thankfully, I figured out your toxicity before it was too late for me. This is me telling you that I want to part ways. I know you’ll still be around, because you are my oldest “friend”, and I know you will do your very best to get me to succumb to your ways. But like you taught me, if I just have a little bit of willpower and a little bit of strength and perseverance, I can achieve what I want; that the only person stopping me is myself. I can either move forward, or sabotage myself once more; it was, and is, completely up to me, isn’t that right?

Thank you for the lessons you taught me. I will utilize them to fight you every single day of my life. Yes, I will have setbacks. Yes, I will falter. But like you taught me; if I falter, I need to keep going. What was it you used to tell me? If I miss a workout, or eat something I wasn’t supposed to, that I needed to work twice as hard the next day? That’s exactly what I’m going to do. If I let you in, I will tell myself that it’s okay to make a mistake, and that I can always turn my back on you whenever you appear. The only difference between your lesson and my OWN words is that I will forgive myself for allowing you back in.

I want to thank you for all the vitriolic words you’ve shouted at me. If it weren’t for that, I would’ve never seen the kindest words uttered to me by the ones who do love and care about me (yes, the people in my life love me despite your insistence that they don’t). I want to thank you for the discipline you’ve instilled upon me. If it weren’t for that, I would’ve never remembered the drive I have at succeeding at endeavors that mean a lot to me. And you know what means a lot to me?

I MEAN A LOT TO ME!

So I will work my hardest to make sure I fight you every single god damn day of my life, and in doing so, empower me to be the best me I can. And you know what it means to be the best me? It’s to be my most authentic and honest and forgiving self. I means I can finally love and appreciate me the way I love and appreciate everyone in my life.

This is my goodbye. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Kitty

#eating disorders #recovery #ed recovery #pro ana #promia #proana #proed #binging #ana #mia #anamia #anorexia #anorexa #bulimia #bulimea #can't stop won't stop #self love

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calypsoff · 3 years

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Sixty Eight. Part 5

I feel like I am stealing someone baby and I feel bad, but I am not leaving him here, I refuse to leave him especially when we are going home. I rather he be safe, I did say to Rajad that is not drunk where he is if TJ does realise but I don’t think he will, Chris and him are both going to be a mess together “looks cute on you that” pointing at Rich, he rolled his eyes as I picked up the car seat and Mel got the bag “stealing babies is fun” walking behind Mel to leave the building, Rich looks so awkward holding Camron like put some love into it, he’s not a piece of meat now “have you all got a car to go home?” I asked Tootie, they are waiting here “waiting on Uber” frowning at her “should have asked, I could have got you an SUV, but you are all ok to get home yes?” I am so knackered, and I see paparazzi outside this place already “you go home and rest, you look exhausted” I sighed out “I am, thank you” Mel is holding the door open for me “thank you” holding this car seat that I have no idea how to use “can the driver put this in?” I questioned, the paparazzi is really close to me, they need to watch out “move back!” Rich spat with Camron in his arm “can you put this in thank you” he looked at me shocked “oh yes” the driver took the seat “let me get in first” it’s like three in the morning, I need my bed right he now.

I don’t know what instinct I have kicking in, but I just feel like I am concerned that he hasn’t been fed, waiting for the call to connect because Noella was around him then “hey, did any of you see this baby get fed? Like I can’t say because I been busy?” I hope they saw “all I saw and then was told, his friend said can I leave him here and he was already asleep but that was it” rolling my eyes “ok, see you at the house” disconnecting the call “time to go to and get something for him, like maybe clothes and diapers and some food? Maybe milk, Rich you heard that” I think I may feed him something because this is not good, imagine how long he has had that diaper on for “you think if we wake him he will cry?” I shrugged “he didn’t wake up when Rich held him” now Mel is on a mission, she is going to go out of her way to wake him, but he needs too “are you going to change the diaper?” Nodding my head “I’m not that kind of person, so yeah I will do that. Not his fault his father is busy partying” Mel is touching his face to wake him; he’s going to be in shock when he wakes up.

Camron is awake but very quiet, he hasn’t cried but we have all the stuff to take care of him tonight “I am so tired” I complained, Noella has put him the baby seat in the kitchen and he’s just looking, he is so cute “so I have done the bottle for you, should be perfect. This is a good test if you think of getting pregnant again so soon” Noella laughed pointing out, I cringed “if I need you I will call you” grabbing the bottle from Noella, I am so nervous about this. I am going to be feeding this child, Noella changed the diaper for me and put the babygrow on, he is so good bless him and I feel he’s like that because he’s always with someone new, which is sad “shall we have milk” I shook his bottle “da” he reached up “oh my gosh, were you hungry?” Taking the cap off and placing the bottle in his hands, he snatched it off me so quickly “I will take him upstairs, if anyone asks he’s in bed with me” unbuckling him out of the seat “come here big boy” he is a big boy, laying him in my arm just above my bump “I don’t like this already” I cringed “you want me to take him up” shaking my head, holding him close to me and quickly used my other hand to fix the bottle. His cutie little eyes just staring at me, he is so hungry I feel he isn’t taking any breaths “ok, goodnight” walking off to go upstairs, shuffling along to the stairs and Noella is right, I will not be getting pregnant any time soon because I can’t do be doing this, I have decided already.

I fell asleep scared thinking he would end up falling off the bed but he didn’t, I woke up to Camron just sat on the bed staring at me “you know Chris wouldn’t like this” he is so adorable in the morning, I am so shocked he hasn’t cried at all. I am unsure on why but I feel like he hasn’t because he’s used to random people, he touched his head and pulled his hair “come here” holding my hand to him, extending my arm and just helping him to come closer “pulling your hair for” he smiled at me, he is the cutest thing “my god, Camron you are too adorable” he looked at my bump and then smiled, reaching over to my phone “let me take a picture” I am wondering where my husband is actually because clearly he isn’t here so where the hell he is, Camron placed his hands on my bump and and used it to get up “excuse me” grabbing his arm, he need to not squash my daughter. He smiled so wide stood up and I quickly took a picture of him “sit back now baby” sitting him back so he fell back, he will be ok there. Adding a caption ‘found a random baby in my bed’ pressing send, I sniggered to myself, I know his mother is going to flat out have a meltdown over this. Throwing my covers off of me and getting out of bed slowly “my daughter didn’t like you touching her baby” I groaned out getting up, turning to Camron “hey baby” let me take another picture of him, he looks so happy laid out on the bed. Taking another picture of him giggling ‘My husband looks young’ pressing send, I just keep adding to my IG story.

Walking into the living room “I hope I don’t have a son” I announced as soon as I got into the room “why baby?” my mother questioned “because they be trying to attack their peepee all of the time, like come on! I was literally hitting his hands away” my mother is laughing out so much “they don’t change either, they grow up with their hands in their pants, chile no. I don’t want a boy” I am so glad I am having a daughter now “you playing Majesty” placing him down on the floor “plays nicely now” placing him in the play pen “so no boy eh?” sitting next to my mother “I hope not mom, I just can’t be dealing with battling him not touch his dick, like stop” my mom sighed out “they are all the same Robyn, trust me. They love touching it, where is your husband” she has reminded me, I need to chase him up “I am checking on that” I will ring Rorrey, actually Rajad. Scrolling to his name “clearly he isn’t here so where is he” tapping on Rajad name “none of the boys came home Robyn” placing my phone to my ear as it rang out “hey sis” Rajad is a good boy “where is my husband?” I asked “Drake’ penthouse suite, he is on the floor asleep. We all here” of course he is “what happened when I left my spy?” he better tell me “he got drunk, badly drunk. Sick on his flooring drunk, Rich and one of Drake bodyguards drove the cars back to the home” nodding my head “take care of him, tell TJ his son is here too” he better pick up his damn son.

Majesty is so mean, she done bullied that boy. Pulled his hair twice too for nothing too, I think it’s because he attempted to touch her toys and she disliked that, but she needs to share with her sassy self “did you manage to see Joyce? She asked about you at the club, I said to her that you’re busy chasing Chris” I laughed “I only said I am going to say hi to him, you’re so silly and I did. We sat and spoke for a while actually; she was saying how excited she is for you to have the baby. That the home Chris has got her has been a dream, she enjoys the privacy and that the family that dislike Chris hate him even more, they did pop into the home. I said it happens, but she was sweet as always, are you feeling nervous about giving birth?” nodding my head “oh yes, and then decided that I won’t be having another straight away either. That is a hundred percent too much for me to be doing that but I am nervous, I want a pain free birth but I can imagine it being the worst, I just know the pain is going to be terrible” my mother doesn’t seem fazed at all “all three of you had big heads, I say had but you still all do” I would tell her how dare you but I will laugh it off “rude” she isn’t wrong at all.

Rajad said that they dropped the cars off at the home so I thought I would do some investigation, they parked it not on the drive because obviously the gate is closed but outside the home at the side which is stupid because I mean it should be inside the drive so I got Mel to do it for me, she can apparently drive these things, I mean she is saying she can but I don’t think she can put the engine on. They at least put the keys in the post for me “not like seeing you out here Rihanna” looking away from the car “oh hey Justin” he got off his bike “you just moved in” hugging him “yeah, like just down the road, I been meaning to bump into, I mean literally bump into you. It’s actually very weird seeing you pregnant, but beautiful as ever. It kind of takes away my childhood dreams of being your boyfriend” I laughed moving back from the hug “you never said you had a crush on me?” I said dumbfounded “boyfriend was about you! Didn’t you get it?” shaking my head laughing “you know what Justin, can you do me a big favour. My friend is stupid, but can you park both of these cars on my drive please, they were left here. My husband isn’t home, and I can’t drive these” it’s just funny that I am here asking Justin Bieber to park the cars “oh for sure, anything for you. Just stand and watch my bike though” stepping my back laughing “here is the key for the big one and tell her to get out. She is gong to do something stupid” I swear Mel is so basic, she is acting like she knows she can do it and she can’t “since we are neighbours, are you going to cook me something nice?” Justin shouted as he made his way to the car “I will think about it!” this boy is going to be at my home now, Chris will have a new friend soon.

I just posted about Justin parking my cars, it’s all over the blogs. It was an hour ago and every news outlet has it up, they did not wait “oh my god, Rihanna. I am so sorry” TJ rushed in, he actually scared me “woah, TJ. It’s ok” he looks a little worse for wear “Camron, hey. Sorry” he went over to his son, seeing my pale ass husband. He looks terrible “don’t bother kissing me if you are feeling like death, just don’t” he looks terrible “I don’t feel too good, I smell too” I gagged “you know what, throw the suit away, go in the shower and then bed” I pointed at him “I feel the same, I will shower with you” Rorrey said as he walked back out of the living room, Chris walked off with his head low “I’m not well mom” I sniggered at Chris saying that to my mom, she was only just stood there “oh my god, like I think Chris ruined so many things. Also I know a secret” Rajad smiled “like the hell what?” he leaned into me and whispered in my ear “it’s a girl” I gasped “that man!” I spat, Rajad laughed “he told everyone when we got to the penthouse, Drake was also drunk and they was just dancing around and then he was sick. And then he started telling everyone, then Rorrey and Chris got emotional together, it was super funny. He fell asleep on the bathroom floor” he pointed at TJ “man, it’s bad times. I am so sorry, like for real, I just. I am sorry. I am ashamed. I am going to the hotel now, I am sorry” waving him off “it’s fine, he is happy and fed. Don’t feel that way or let that bitch make you feel that way either” I know she will be.

That ugly ass bitch baby mother is giving hell but I do not care, hooting and hollering to the blogs saying that is my son, baby have the child. I need to see to my big child that made a whole lot of mess I heard “oh you in bed” he is already in bed “yeah, I had a quick shower, I need sleep” making my way over to him “the clothes are in a bag on the bathroom floor, I just want to say thank you. Robyn you did so much for me, I am still trying to process it but you got me on my knees. Like I can’t” I shushed him “just rest up ok, I will let you sleep for a while and bring some light food up. You been up to no good too” Chris groaned out laying onto his side “I don’t feel too good, I don’t” he closed his eyes “I am not shocked, you just rest” pressing a kiss to his forehead, he has literally dragged the wet towel across the bedroom floor and collapsed in bed, I will let him off just this time because other then that I would have been mad. He did have a shower, so I assume. Picking up the towel, as long as he isn’t sick in the bed I will be ok.

#chrianna ff #chrianna fanfiction #chriannaff #fanfiction #fanfic #chrianna

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blkmxrvel · 4 years

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Haven’t Forgotten My Way Home [17] - (CONVERTED)

Pairing: Kara Zor-El x Female!Reader

Summary: In the D/s society of National City, men and women abandoned by their Dom/mes or otherwise deemed unfit for life “outside” end up at the Mount Overland House for Orphaned Submissives. It is here that Kara Zor-El finds Y/N Hastings, broken and fearful from mistreatment at the hands of her former Dom. Can Kara coax Y/N back into the world that once so terrified her, and show her the true meaning of care and submission?

Warnings: Domestic Violence (Flashbacks, Mentions and Descriptions), Misogyny, Domination/Submission.

A/N: hi, back from the dead just to finish uploading this story conversion bc I’ve gotten a lot of asks about it! Still not writing anything myself so 😗 yeah Hope you enjoy

“Kara, is that a zip drive in your hand or are you just happy to see me?”

“… no?”

“I’m not watching any PowerPoints.”

“I brought cake?”

Lena sighed heavily and stepped aside to let Kara pass through the front door. “I regret ever telling you that cake is my weakness,” she pointed out. She closed the door and turned to Kara with a searching look. “And I imagine you’re here to talk to me about yours.”

“Am I that transparent?” Kara asked, sitting both the zip drive and the chocolate cake (extra icing) on the table. She sighed and sat down on the couch, then glanced up at the ceiling. “You don’t, er, have anyone tied up at the moment, do you?”

“No,” Lena smirked. “She’s gone to the pharmacy.”

“Oh,” Kara said as her friend sat next to her and crossed her legs. “I hope everything’s all right?”

“Everything’s just fine,” Lena said, and her smirk widened into a full-blown smile. “She’s gone for a pregnancy test.”

“Lena!” Kara gasped, launching herself at the woman and pulling her into a hug. “Lena, that’s amazing!”

Lena returned the hug, laughing. “We don’t know for sure yet, of course,” she cautioned. “But we’ve been trying for a little while and Sam's late, so…”

“This is the real deal, huh?” Kara said, pulling away and smiling with a wistful look. She’d known it was real when Lena had told her of her claim, but a baby… She couldn’t help but wonder what if-

“Kara?” Lena placed her hand on Kara’s knee, rubbing gently. Her voice was full of concern as she asked, “You’re not… jealous, are you?”

“What? No!” Kara said, shaking her head vigorously. She willed her smile to be a little less sad, realizing that Lena had completely misunderstood the emotion behind it. “You know I love you, Lena, but you also know I stopped caring for you like that a while ago.”

She hadn’t expected for their relationship to deepen the way it did. She was young and Lena was more experienced, both in their lifestyle and in life. Most people didn’t start relationships after their training was complete, but after Kara had spent her week on her knees learning from Lena, things had changed once she’d gotten back on her feet. In Lena she had found a caring Dominant, someone willing to take time for Kara, to teach her things that Kara couldn’t learn from books. And in Lena Kara had found an equal, someone who inspired her intellectually, met her attitude measure for measure, and had been responsible for more than just one awakening.

So it wasn’t any wonder Lena was concerned about residual feelings. Kara knew her feelings for the woman to whom she’d given her virginity wouldn’t just fade away, but she also knew that they could change. And, “It’s not really you I was thinking of,” Kara confessed, “It’s Y/N.”

“Y/N?” Lena said, seeming relieved.

“Just imagining what it would be like to know she was going out to buy a pregnancy test. For herself, or me.” Kara shrugged. “I guess I am quite transparent.”

“And a bit jumping the gun,” Lena said matter-of-factly. “I’m not sure either of you are ready for that leap yet. But you obviously didn’t make a PowerPoint to discuss what movies Y/N likes.”

“Wizard of Oz,” Kara muttered half to herself, and then sighed again. “I don’t suppose you really need to see the PowerPoint, though it’s a very good one, if I do say so myself.”

“And the subject?” Lena said, getting up to pour herself and Kara a drink and to cut the cake for them to share.

“Forty slides of reasons why I cannot fulfill Y/N’s request for me to dominate her.”

Lena’s hands stopped in mid-air, the knife hovering over the cake, and she gaped at Kara. “She asked you to dominate her?”

“Yes.”

“And I’m correct in assuming that you said no?”

“Would I be sitting in your living room, looking appropriately and movingly distressed if I had said yes?”

“Watch yourself, Kara,” Lena said sharply. “You know I will not accept disrespect, no matter how distressed you are, and even if you are not my submissive.”

Kara rolled her eyes, even as she winced. She well remembered the pain in her 17 year old bottom from every smack of Lena’s hand, and then the belt. But that didn’t compare to the humiliation of seeing Lena’s disappointed face beforehand as she gave Kara the lecture about respect, or being put over Lena’s lap with her skirt flipped up and her panties down.

“I’m sorry,” Kara said quietly. “I just…” She trailed off and accepted the drink and plate Lena handed her before sitting down next her again.

“You didn’t want to say no.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Then why did you?”

Kara shrugged again. “I don’t know. Because she isn’t ready. Because I’m not ready. Because she has nightmares every night of him. Because she flinches whenever I raise my voice? Because if I even say the word ‘whipped’ or ‘paddled’ or ‘punished,’ she looks at me like she’s seeing him. Because—“

“You’re scared.”

“I really hate how you put words in my mouth.”

“You hate the fact that I’m right more.” Kara hmphed, and Lena chuckled a little. “You’re scared to dominate her, but you’re not happy with just casually dating either.”

Their society hadn’t really been built around casual dating, Kara knew. Back when her parents were young, when their parents were young, it was unspoken that when you found a Dominant, you were claimed by them before you even thought of doing anything with them. It was to be forever, a bond that was never to be broken. Kara had to admit that she preferred the way things were done now. If she had been born decades ago she would have never even thought about giving herself sexually first to Lena, instead of to her intended. But she was grateful for the experience, and even more glad that Dominants and submissives had the freedom to choose who they wanted to be with, and were allowed to have the sort of “trial and error” relationships that wouldn’t have been possible in the past. No longer did submissives feel as if they had to submit themselves to the first Dominant they came across, and no longer did Dominants feel as if they had to make a claim as soon as they reached a certain age.

And dating Y/N was nice… for the little time they had done it. Kara felt a particular twist in her stomach as she wondered if she’d ever be able to feel that way again, to be excited waking up the morning of a date. The rush of kissing in the moonlight before Y/N went inside Nia’s house. Sitting across from Y/N in a crowded coffee shop and knowing that Y/N only had eyes for her.

But Lena was right. For Kara, that wasn’t enough. She’d always pictured herself as meeting The One – the submissive with whom she’d share that unbreakable connection. She was probably too melodramatic for her own good, she’d been raised on musicals after all; but Kara had always imagined it would be the meeting of eyes across a crowded room. Two people gravitating towards each other, reaching out to grasp hands and… that would be it. Lover and friend, Dominant and submissive, together forever.

It was a child’s dream, and she was no longer a child. But that didn’t stop her from wishing.

“What exactly is it that you think I’m afraid of?”

“Why are you afraid of going to New York?”

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?!” Kara snapped, slamming her drink down on the table in front of the couch. She saw Lena’s lips tighten, and Kara took a deep breath. “Y/N seems to think I’m terrified of that as well.”

“And let me guess, you shut her down.”

“I didn’t shut her down; I merely told her the conversation was closed.”

“Refresh my memory on how that is different.” Kara didn’t say anything, just crossed her arms over her chest and glared down at the carpet. Lena sighed. “Do you remember when I was training you, and you sassed off at me so I whipped you?”

“How could I forget? I felt it for a week afterward.”

“And what’s part of the reason?”

Kara refused to look at Lena. “You accidentally wrapped the belt over my hip.” Lena had taken the utmost care with her, but she knew from her classes at the Academy that sometimes accidents happen. And that the most important thing was to tell your Dominant. But Kara had wanted to make Lena proud, hadn’t wanted the woman to see her as weak when Kara was working so hard to be good. A good submissive-in-training, a good Dominant. So she had kept quiet, even through the pain.

“And you didn’t tell me until I saw you looking at the mark in the mirror later that night.”

“No, Miss Lena.”

It felt weird, saying that, because she wasn’t a submissive and Lena wasn’t her Dominant, but Kara hadn’t spoken to Y/N for the last three days – she hadn’t called – and Kara had been struggling to maintain control of a life that she felt was spiraling out of her reach. Lena had always, ever since Kara was seventeen, been able to pull Kara out of herself and take that control, even for just a little while. Enough for Kara to clear her head and start thinking rationally again. Sometimes it was just nice to have Lena wrap her arms around Kara and pull her close, for Kara not to have to think about being strong and brave and dominant.

“What did I tell you that night, once I’d made sure you were all right and after I’d apologized for being careless?”

Kara nuzzled herself deeper into Lena’s arms, taking a deep breath and letting the worries that had overwhelmed her slip away a little. “That communication was important. That you can’t have a true relationship between a Dominant and a submissive unless both parties know they can talk freely, about anything and everything. But this is different,” she protested.

“No, it’s not,” Lena said firmly. “You’re afraid to go to New York, and you’re afraid to dominate Y/N just as much as she’s afraid to be dominated by you. You have a right to talk to Y/N about being afraid to dominate her, and she has a right to ask you why you’re so scared about that, and why you’re so scared to go to New York. And if neither of you talk about either of those things, then every fear you have right now of being like him is going to come true.”

“She’s not ready,” Kara said, sitting up. “She tells me that she doesn’t want to have to choose all the time, but how can she say that when she’s never even had choices?”

“You know,” Lena mused, smiling a little at Kara, “As much as I like wolves, you and the council did rather just toss Y/N out to them.” Seeing Kara’s look of confusion, she continued, “Think about it. Y/N’s life, although harsh, was all she’s ever known. And though she left on her own, she was still ripped away from it. And now you, and the council, and everyone involved is telling Y/N that she has to do it all herself, that she can’t have any support system. No wonder she’s terrified.”

“Having a support system is a lot different from being dominated, though,” Kara said, standing up and beginning to pace around Lena’s living room floor. “It isn’t as if she’s completely alone. She has Alex, and Maggie. Nia and her physical therapist and Miss Holliday. She doesn’t need to be dominated; she needs to learn what it’s like to have friends. She needs to learn it’s okay to have her own needs and desires and to have all of them met. She can’t do that if someone starts dominating her just months after she got away from that… that asshole. I can still be supportive of Y/N while not being her Dominant.”

“And you can dominate her without being her Dominant, and without taking away her choices.”

Kara didn’t see how that was possible. As much as just casually dating Y/N wasn’t enough, she didn’t think she could dominate her, either, not without the intent to claim her. And Y/N was nowhere near ready for that. Kara didn’t know if she’d ever be ready. No, the important thing was that Y/N knew she had choices, and that she learned how to make them. Maybe then, after a few years, they’d both be ready to try.

“Plus I could get in trouble with the council,” Kara offered, but knew by the way Lena rolled her eyes that she’d seen past the feeble excuse. She was good at that.

“The council,” Lena scoffed, shaking her head and moving to refill her drink. “The council, my darling Kara, is nothing but a group of old men sitting around thinking that they know what’s best for the Dominants and submissives of our society. And frankly I don’t think they should be telling me or you a damn thing about how to live our lives when they probably can’t even dominate their own penises into doing what they want.”

Kara choked on her drink and tapped her chest, spluttering. She stared at Lena in shock; her former lover simply smirked at her. “So you’re telling me to go against the council? Against what I think is the right thing?”

“I’m telling you to stop being so scared.” Kara sat back down on the couch and Lena once again patted her knee. “Tell me, when she asked you to dominate you, what terrified you?”

Kara thought for a moment. “How much she wanted me to punish her. I didn’t think, after all that she’s been through… I thought that would be the last thing she’d ask for.”

Lena nodded. “She probably wanted you to physically punish her too.”

“I’ll never,” Kara said vehemently. “I’ll never do that to her. Ever.”

“Notice that you just said you will never, not that you would never.”

“I hate you and your word-twisting ways,” Kara muttered, and Lena laughed. “I just don’t understand why she would want that. After everything he’s done to her, why would she want me to punish her? To spank her?”

“She obviously did something that made her think she needed to be punished.”

“She was being a grumpy brat.”

“Oh dear, you have met your match, then,” Lena said, sounding more than a little gleeful. “I can’t wait to see how this plays out.” Seeing Kara’s glare, she cleared her throat and continued. “So she did something that upset you, and she wanted to rectify the situation. In Y/N’s mind, wrongdoing equals punishment. Punishment results in forgiveness, forgiveness means moving forward with a clean slate. So that sounds remarkably—“

“Submissive,” Kara finished for her, sighing. “So it’s the not the punishment she wants, it’s something normal. Something she knows. Even if it means I’d punish her physically, she’d try to take it just so she could have that little piece of her life back. But isn’t that proof that she isn’t ready?”

“No. It’s proof that she’s trying to take control of her own life.”

Kara blinked. “I don’t follow.”

“A Dominant doesn’t need a submissive, but you can’t dominate anyone until you have a submissive. And you can’t have a submissive until one chooses to be yours. Until someone chooses to give you that control, you don’t have it. And Y/N made her choice. She took control of her own choices, her own wants, and tried to give you her submission. Everything you would be in that relationship is because she has made the choice to give it to you.”

“I don’t know if it’s me she wants, or just… someone to be nice to her.”

“No one’s saying for you to claim her.”

“Then what are you saying?” When Lena was silent, Kara pressed harder. “Lena, you know I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t value your opinion more than most, probably even more than my daddies’. You’re the one that taught me, and if I’m going to be a good Dominant it’s partly because of what I learned from you. Please.”

“Do you think you’re going to be a good Dominant?” Lena met Kara’s eyes, challenging her. “Isn’t that what’s really holding you back, both from dominating Y/N and going to New York? You don’t think you’re good enough for either.”

Kara felt the chill run from the base of her neck down her spine, and she struggled to maintain her control over the emotions that threatened to overwhelm her at Lena’s words. How many nights had she lain in bed since she was 18 years old, dreaming of New York, of Broadway, of the school where people would appreciate her, where she would feel home? It had been a long time since she felt the excitement of new possibilities, of new discovery. She’d gotten used to getting up every day, the three cups of coffee before 9 a.m. that would barely sustain her for the rest of the day. Gotten used to meeting life’s broken, the castoffs, the unwanted, and feeling powerless to fix any of it. But gradually thoughts of New York had been replaced by helping who she could; dreams of Broadway had been pushed aside in favor of being the leading actress in a play of saving the world. Or at least the Lima part of it.

And then she’d met Y/N Hastings.

Now things were different. Now Kara got up every day not just thinking of the wounded submissives, but thinking of one. And lately the thoughts of one were overriding the thoughts of many. Y/N made her feel… awake, for the first time in a long time. Things that Kara hadn’t felt since she was on her knees for Lena, in Lena’s arms, in Lena’s bed came rushing back to her with a force that she hadn’t known even with her former lover. And there it was, the desire to care for one, the desire to control one, the desire to bring one to her knees and then lift her back up.

The one that felt like home.

But it scared Kara to death.

Because when she thought of Y/N on her knees, it wasn’t Kara herself she saw behind the other woman. It was him, with his harsh words and brutal hand. But the words were in her voice, the hand attached to her arm, and Kara knew she would rather die than be to Y/N what James had been. She tried to tell herself that there was no possible way she could be like him, that the very fact she’d rather die than treat Y/N badly would be the prevention of it, but Kara knew, again, that even experienced Dominants like Lena sometimes messed up. What if she destroyed Y/N even further than she had already been? What if she punished her the wrong way, said the wrong thing, was the wrong Dominant for the girl and neither of them realized it until it was too late? What if, just like in her dreams for Broadway, Kara suddenly found herself lacking?

What if she wasn’t good enough?

“You’re getting too far inside your own head,” Lena said quietly, a hand on Kara’s shoulder pulling her out of her thoughts. She smiled fondly, wrapping her arm around Kara and hugging her close again. “That’s why I almost never put you in the corner that week. I don’t know if you noticed that. But I could see that you liked to think about things far too much, and you’d end up beating yourself far more than I ever would.”

“What if I’m not good enough?” Kara asked bluntly. “What if I do this and I’m not what she needs, what if I’m the worst possible person for her and I end up hurting her worse than even he did?”

“Again, no one’s asking you to claim her. You just need to find a good balance, something that works for both of you.”

“How do I find that balance?”

Lena smiled and squeezed Kara. “By listening to your nature. To what’s in your heart. Kara, you’re more than good enough. For Y/N, and for New York. You’ve been wonderful, taking care of your father and doing your job. But maybe now it’s time for you to focus on yourself, and on Y/N too. You’ll never know, you might find out you’re exactly what she needs. And she might be exactly who you need. But you never know until you try. Oh, and Kara?”

“Yes?”

Lena hugged Kara close to her, pulling the girl’s head onto her chest. “I am so proud of you.”

Lena’s words echoed in Kara’s head hours after, when she lay in her bed in the darkness, idly petting Arnie and staring at the phone resting on her chest. People had told her before that they were proud of her, her fathers mostly, but somehow it was different, coming from Lena. It was almost like vindication, reassurance that the path she was on was the right one. Even if she wasn’t sure of it.

She glanced at the clock. Two twenty-three a.m. She glanced down at the phone again.

What would it take, Kara wondered. What would it take for her to stop being scared? What would it take for her and Y/N to throw caution to the wind and trust each other? What would it take for her to find that balance, the mix of dominance and freedom that Y/N not only craved, but needed? What would it take for Kara to be who she was born to be, and to maybe find the person she was born to be with?

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

Kara picked up the phone and took a deep breath, pressing a button. The speed dial kicked in instantly.

One ring.

Two.

Three.

Then, just as she was about to hang up, a sleepy but panicked voice. “A-are you all right? Do you n-need anything?”

Kara smiled a little to herself, reaching up a hand to wipe at the tears that had begun to fall.

“Yes,” she said quietly. “Yes, Y/N, I do need something.

#kara danvers x reader #madi converts #kara danvers #kara zor el x reader #kara Zor-el #lena luthor #supergirl x reader #supergirl

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mrsdr-ethan-ramsey · 4 years

Text

Rookie (Ethan Ramsey x MC)

Y’all, I couldn’t stop myself from writing this at like 12:30 last night. I literally fell asleep writing, but I needed to feel more angst. Honestly my biggest fear is that Ethan will start calling someone else Rookie. Plus it was an excuse not to do homework. I hope you all like it! (Also if you have any ideas or requests with Ethan, I would be more than excited to try to write them!)

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x MC (Parker Kennedy)

Summary: When Parker hears Ethan call another intern Rookie, she can’t stop herself from confronting him.

Warnings: Angsttttttt, cause I love and hate how much Parker and Ethan hurt right now

Word Count: ~2500

‘So far, so good’ Parker thought as she maneuvered through the familiar halls of Edenbrook. She was off to pick up her intern, Esme Ortega, after delivering the results from the diagnostics patient she tested early today. She felt like she was on autopilot as she thought back to her discussion with Dr. Ramsey.

“We’ll be okay. We’ll make it work.”

Her heart still stopped as she thought about those words. To anyone else it would sound like they were talking about work; about their professional relationship. But they weren’t. He held her hand as he told her those words. His thumb rubbed the back of her hand so lightly that if she hadn’t looked down she probably would have missed it. Was he talking about their work relationship? A little bit. Was he talking about their personal relationship? She hoped to some greater being that he was. Needless to say, she felt like she was on top of the world.

Once she reached the nursing desk, she found Esme talking with Jackie and her intern, Molly Addison, adamantly. Parker put her best smile on her face as she came over.

“Hey all! How were rounds? Sorry I had to miss it Esme.”

Esme looked over at Parker, obviously not enjoying her peppy attitude. “It was fine.”

“Oh my gosh, no it was amazing!” Molly squealed. At this, both Jackie and Esme cringed. Parker hid her slight annoyance for the young red head as she gushed about all the ‘super cool!’ things they had seen! Parker only slightly regretted asking her about rounds, but she was happy that the young intern was enjoying her time at Edenbrook.

“I’m glad you’re finding your place here!” Parker smiled, “But I’ve got to talk to Esme about a couple things. We’ll see you guys later!”

Esme quickly followed Parker whispering a small ‘Thank God’ as Jackie sighed, being left with the human version of sunshine and bubble gum.

***

After a couple hours of showing Esme the ropes and watching her present her case, she finally found herself back at the nurse’s station. She was about to congratulate Esme on her stellar performance so she could see her roll her eyes again before she heard a deep voice call down the hall.

“Rookie!”

Parker’s head immediately snapped to the familiar voice, ready to go help with Dr. Ramsey with whatever he needed. Just as she was about to head over, she watched Molly skip over.

“Yes Dr. Ramsey?” She asked sweetly, her voice dripping with desire.

Parker couldn’t hear the rest as her high from earlier quickly died. He obviously called her that before because she came right over and he started talking to her. When did he start calling other people Rookie? That was her nickname! Right? Although, he did seem reluctant to call her Rookie when she saw him at Donahue’s…but that doesn’t matter. The point is, he had only ever called her rookie. Now suddenly this beautiful intern was Rookie?

“Woah, Parker. Don’t think too hard. There’s going to be smoke coming from you soon,” Elijah called, snapping her out of her internal panicking.

Parker turned to see Elijah and Sienna coming up, their interns following close behind. They seemed good, not overly excited like Molly but more open to conversation than Esme.

“Second year doctors meeting only,” Parker said quickly, tugging Sienna and Elijah some ways away from their interns.

“What’s up P?” Elijah asked.

“That!” Parker whispered angrily as she gestured towards Dr. Ramsey and Molly talking down the hall. “He called her Rookie!”

At this, both the doctors’ eyes widen.

“Seriously?!” Sienna exclaimed. She wouldn’t be happy to beat up Dr. Ramsey, but if Parker needed her to she would happily kick his ass back to the Amazon.

All three of them turned their eyes turned back to Dr. Ramsey and the intern. He must have felt their eyes on him, because his attention immediately turned and shot them a little glare. In panic the three quickly ran off with their interns, hoping to avoid the wrath of Dr. Ramsey.

***

Parker tried not to think about how betrayed she felt. She really did, but it always seemed to be nudging her in the back of her mind no matter where she was. She bumped into six different people because she had been so distracted about it. That’s how she ended up wide awake in her bed at 2:30 am. Her body rolling around under the covers, hearing Ethan say Rookie only to have the young intern bounce up to him happily. She was pretty, Parker did have to admit that. Her hair was naturally red, layered with different shade of red and orange that made it look like flames. She was small with a near perfect figure. Parker, on the other hand, was scrawny right now and slowly starting to gain weight now that Sienna was making sure she ate three meals a day. While Parker had brown-green muddy eyes, Molly’s eyes were crystal blue. Seriously, how could a man resist a girl like Molly?!

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, or the desperation to know what was going on, but Parker found herself climbing out of bed quickly. She pulled on leggings and a baggy sweatshirt before she called an Uber. Tip toeing through her apartment, she was glad Landry was no longer there. If he had, she wouldn’t be surprised if he was up ‘getting ready to go to the hospital’ as this time. She rolled her eyes at this thought before slipping a pair of shoes on and hurriedly leaving her building.

The ride was short without the normal traffic of the busy city. 2:45 was an excellent time to drive through Boston, Parker thought as she stared out the window at the lights flying by. The towering buildings were a dramatic change from her Midwest home, and she loved it. She was meant to be here; she could feel it deep within her.

Once at Ethan’s apartment, she thanked her driver and tipped her generously for driving her at such an awful time. Parker than moved towards the familiar building, pressing his apartment number praying the buzzing would wake him up. After a bit with no response, she repeatedly hit the button over and over (she knew this would annoy him awake).

“I swear if this is a prank I will call the cops,” she heard Ethan’s familiar voice crackled angrily through the intercom, Jenner barking in the background.

Quickly, she hit the speak button and said urgently, “Ethan! It’s Parker! I need to talk to you, now!”

“Parker?” He sounded confused, and tired.

Before she could reply, she heard the lock click. She didn’t waste any time getting into the building, hitting the number for his floor. The elevator shot up, brining her closer to a sleepy (and more than likely pissed) Ethan Ramsey. When she was outside his door, she hesitated. Was she really going to barge into Ethan’s apartment and demand to know why he’s calling Molly, Rookie? This was crazy! She was crazy! She should just go home, and if Ethan asks her just deny, deny, deny. She could convince him it was a dream, right? Ugh, who was she kidding. Ethan’s too smart to fall for that plan, she thought. Instead, she stood at the door; petrified as she lifted her hand and knocked gently against the wood.

Ethan had never been a heavy sleeper, so when he heard his buzzer go off the first time he thought it had been someone hitting the wrong number. After it keep going incessantly and Jenner started barking, he forced himself out of his light sleep to scare the kids ringing his buzzer shitless. He had been more than surprised to hear Parker’s voice and quickly let her into the building, assuming that something had happened. He couldn’t think of another reason as to why she’d come 3 am. He swung the door open, preparing for the worst, but was surprised to see her completely fine.

“Parker, what’s wrong?”

Hearing his voice, heavy and low with sleep she lost her train of thought. All she could think about was how she had woken up to that voice before. How he kept her in bed as long as possible, knowing that when they left her room it’d be over. She just hadn’t expected him to replace her so quickly.

“Did I mean nothing to you?” she whispered, barely audibly. Tears threatened to stream, but she refused to cry in front of him. She already felt like a child compared to him, if she cried in front of him it would be the icing on the cake. But Ethan could easily see through her, so he opened the door wider to let her in. He wouldn’t let her cry in the hallway.

As she crossed into his space, Ethan’s brows furrowed in confusion, “What are you talking about?”

“Rookie.”

Ethan’s face flushed. “You heard that?”

Radio silence. Neither knew what to say to make this situation better. There was an invisible wall between the two and neither were quite sure how to take it down. Parker had tried that first night at Donahue’s when she kissed him, only to receive the nicest rejection she had ever gotten. She had hoped that seeing her and kissing her again would remind him of what they had before he vanished. Unfortunately, he had a much better resolve than her. So now she didn’t know what to do. She had no backup plan on how to win him back over.

“If you weren’t interested in me, you could have just told me…if you just wanted someone prettier you could have just said, you didn’t need to string me along for two months and then flirt with another girl in front of me to make that point.”

“I wasn’t flirting with her Parker. Christ.” He ran his hands through his bed head. How had she gotten that from one conversation with an intern whose name he couldn’t even remember? Did she really think that he’d try to get with an intern when he just told her that they need to keep a professional relationship? Did she really think that low of him?

He locked eyes with her. “I didn’t know her name and couldn’t be bothered to ask.”

Parker looked back at him, begging his deep ocean eyes to tell her the truth. She saw that he was actually hurt that she had thought he was flirting with another intern. She felt stupid for jumping to conclusions, but it had hurt to hear him call another person ‘Rookie’. If he was looking for a sure way to drive her crazy, he found it without even trying.

“I…I guess I had always thought I was your Rookie. I didn’t think you’d drop it as soon as you got back…”

“Parker,” he said gently, “You’re not a Rookie anymore. You’re a skilled doctor who earned her way onto the nation’s top diagnostics team. I assumed you wouldn’t want me calling you that anymore.”

He was right, as usual. Anyone else listening in would probably find the nickname degrading, not endearing like she did. She couldn’t fight his rationale behind the name change, so instead she looked down at her feet like a child caught stealing a cookie. Ethan looked at her small frame, finally analyzing her. She seemed a little off than what he had remembered her being two months ago. She seemed a little duller, not as wide-eyed and hopeful as she did when she first walked through Edenbrook. He hated that she lost her sparkle under his watch; he had no one to blame but himself.

Parker made her way to the floor to ceiling windows, looking out over the bay as she crossed her arms protectively in front of her. She was putting up a barricade around herself, hoping to ease the pain. If the wall between them wasn’t coming down, she’d simply put one around herself to stop her from trying to scale or break it down to get to him. “You still have the best view in all of Boston.”

“I’ve learned to appreciate it more,” Ethan said with a sad smile, thinking about how Parker had pointed the view out to him the first night they were together. That felt so long ago. He studied her shrunken frame. She looked at home in his space. He loved that, but he knew he shouldn’t get used to it.

Ethan heard her let out a small yawn, reminding himself of the time. “Why do you get a little rest before your shift. You take my bed; I’ll take the couch.”

At the offer, Parker turned back to look at him. “Oh, you don’t need to do that. I’m fine on the couch.”

“Nope. My house, my rules.” He insisted, as he lead her into his bedroom. He made quick work ordering Parker to take off her shoes and get in the bed. Once she was laying down, he pulled the covers up around her.

Parker let out a yawn as she looked up at Ethan sleepily. “Thank you.”

“You’re always welcome here Parker.”

As she closed her eyes and flipped onto her stomach, Ethan couldn’t stop his heart from going wild. Seeing Parker Kennedy back in his bed made him wish that he could wake up to this view every day. He wanted nothing more than to climb into bed next to her and pull her into his chest, whispering sweet nothings as she drifted off. Fuck, he had never been a romantic before she came barging into his life. He hated that she did this to him, but loved it just the same. Fighting every urge in his body to get into the bed, he walked out to the living room and sat down on the couch. Flicking on the lamp, he slid his glasses on and began to read a new medical journal as Jenner slept happily at his feet.

***

The morning had been weird for Parker and Ethan, but they maneuvered it as gracefully as they could…like a baby giraffe learning how to walk. They stumbled around kitchen making coffee and toast. He even offered to give her a ride to the hospital. As they walked in, they saw Baz walking in as well, so Ethan (ever so smooth) made the comment that ‘He and Dr. Kennedy had met early to discuss her role on the team’. Parker couldn’t help but smile at this as she went off to find Esme and start the day.

Late in the afternoon at the nurse’s station, Parker caught a glimpse of Dr. Ramsey talking to Molly again. Her stomach flipped and she tried not to listen in to the conversation…but she really couldn’t help herself.

“Dr. Addison, I expect the results on my desk by 6. And your patient better not be dead.” He said sternly, leaving Molly with a shocked look on her face.

As Dr. Ramsey stormed off, he met Parker with a soft smile. He may not call her Rookie at work, but he knew he couldn’t call anybody else her nickname.

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #456

“i don’t even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger, & that feels so rough”

What was the longest time you’ve had the hiccups for? I know at LEAST over an hour. I was in agony. What type of TV shows are your favourite? Animal docs. Have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything? Bitch I still am lmao. Do you know anyone who has died in battle? No. When was the last time you went on an adventure? Bro, I could NOT tell you. I haven't had one of those in what feels like eons. What brand is your vacuum cleaner? I actually don't know. I don't pay attention. Are you good at rapping? Never tried, but I'm sure I'd be awful. I stutter too much. Name one world issue that upsets you. Just ONE????????? Well, I can name homelessness as very high on the list. How do you feel about tanning? I hate it. I can't stand the heat, so why would I deliberately go bake in it? Have you ever given a public speech? Yeah, in front of the whole 4th and 5th grade when I was innnn... one of those grades, idr which. It was for my D.A.R.E. essay. Do you read comic books? No. Do you force your way into conversations in which you are not involved? NOOOOOOOOOOO I'm way too awkward. Kiss with your eyes open or closed? Bro who tf kisses with their eyes open, that shit is creepy. Do you believe you can change someone? No. One can only change themselves. How did you react when your first pet died? I have no memory of our first pet. Have you ever drawn anime? No. Can you use a pogo stick? When I was a kid, I became a MASTER. I got one for I want to say Christmas and I was obsessed. When’s the next time you’ll see the person that you like? Idk, first he needs to get on Facebook and see I messaged him alsdkfjalkdj. He like never gets on there. Do you like bathing/showering? No. One, it's a chore, and two, it's actually painful for me, standing up so long and propping my legs up and stuff like that to clean myself properly. Have you ever considered entering a race? HEEEEEEEEEEELL no. Rihanna or Lady Gaga? Probably Gaga, idk. Who was your first good kiss with? Jason. What accessory do you want in your bedroom? I actually kinda want a TV now? What do you take the most pictures of? Flowers. What are you always in the mood for? Lately, Krispy Kreme donuts, lol. I haven't had one in a very long time, but goddamn does a hot glazed donut sound BANGIN' right now and has for days. What is something that you never turn down? Hm... how am I blanking??? What is something that you always turn down when offered? Certain foods or drinks, like tea. Name something sexy about your significant other. I don't have one'a those. What is one of your hobbies that you refuse to give up? Um, idk. As interests work, I may move away from any hobby eventually. If you could be a professional in any sport what would it be? Dance. If you could be a professional at any instrument what would it be? Violin. Would you rather be a surgeon or mortician? A mortician. That job doesn't even seem all that bad to me? I think it'd be kinda chill somehow???? I could NEVER be a surgeon. I'd be terrified of fucking something up. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Are you in love? No. Do you like having your lip softly bitten when you’re kissing? *eyes emoji* Do you want to get married when you’re older? Yes. What was the last band shirt you wore? PROBABLY my Metallica shirt? But I'm unsure, ultimately. You can have a milkshake right now. What flavor do you choose? Ugh, I've been wanting a nice chocolate milkshake for a while. Have you ever given someone flowers? For Mother's Day one year, I collected some wildflowers to put in a jar for Mom. I've also given Jason roses before. I really wanted to give Sara some when I surprised her for her birthday, but I didn't want to ask her parents to drive me somewhere where I could buy her some, ha ha. What day of the week is usually your busiest day? None. My days are all the same. Do you have any concerts coming up? No, but UGH, I was so hyped a few days ago because I saw Motionless In White was going on tour next year, but of course they're going to the big city on the OTHER end of the state versus the capital, which I'm way closer to. -_- Bands ALWAYS choose Charlotte on the super rare occasion they come to NC... Do you like or hate the smell of fish? Ugh, I hate it. What’s your favorite brand of chips? Doritos, maybe? Between Mountain Dew and those... I am such a fucking gamer stereotype lmfao. Have you ever written a poem and then read it aloud? I think I had to before in school? Idr. Do you like pineapple? Love it. Does your house have a dishwasher? Yes. A dishwasher is one thing I MUST have in my own future house. I cannot stand touching dirty dishes. Do you know anyone who has a flower tattoo? Oh, absolutely. Sunflower tattoos are especially popular around here. How many different languages can you say goodbye in? English, German, and uhhh Spanish? Agree or disagree: You like Adam Sandler movies. I don't mind them. I've never understood the hate, honestly? I think he's capable of being funny. Have you ever had to get a tooth pulled? If so, what for? Only by myself when I was a kid losing my baby teeth. Have you ever dated anyone while they were in jail? Nooooo. If you’ve ever babysat, do you like it? Fuck no, I hate it. What is your favorite flavor on sunflower seeds? I don't like those. Do you get cold easily? No, but I get hot extremely easily. Do you get a lot of spiders in your house? I don't think so, no. Do you admire nature? I positively adore nature. If only we treated it better... Name one naughty thing you’ve done. Done sexual things in places I probably shouldn't have, oops. Name two of your favorite things as a child. Pokemon and Webkinz. Do you own a Pillow Pet? No. They're cute, though. My niece has one. Do you tend to solve problems with violence? Absolutely not. Have either of your parents gone to jail? No. Do you know a hoarder? Yes. Do you wax, pluck, or leave your eyebrows? I just leave 'em be, honestly. Do you have any interesting scar stories? Not really. Do you hate the texture of meatballs? No, I love me some meatballs. Do you get migraines? Very, very rarely. They fucking suck. Do you like guns? NOOOOOOO guns terrify me alsd;kjfal;sdjfk Are turtles amazing creatures? All animals are. :') How much time do you spend taking surveys? A whole lot. It's just that I'm like... always bored and the randomness of surveys can add interesting little flares to the day, I guess. Would you rather visit: The Eiffel Tower or Egyptian Pyramids? Pyramids, for sure. Would you like to work at a candy shop? No. I don't want to work directly with people. Do you have feelings for someone? It's funny; now that I've settled the extreme indecision, I've come to realize that they're very strong feelings. How you go from being indecisive to really, really liking somebody, hell if I know. Which one of your guy friends is the best looking? Uhhh Girt is like my only real guy friend, so I guess it's by default him, ha ha. I'm not particularly attracted to him, but he's not ugly by any means. Do you have anything to say to your ex bf/gf? I'm so sorry. Which band do you have the most of on your iPod/music player? Either Ozzy or Metallica. Most likely Ozzy, though. Which song describes your mood at the moment? Hm. I dunno. Which movie(s) do you quote the most? None, really. Which one of your best friend’s friends would you most likely date? None; we don't share irl friends, being many states apart, and not even that many online ones. Would you ever let anybody else drive your car? I don't have my own car. Which one of your friends will be the most successful? I'm not psychic. What store did you last shop at? Mom and I picked up a Wal-Mart order the other day. Do you think telepathy is real? Absolutely not. When did you last draw something for fun? A few days ago, I started a drawing of Maieykio for Sara. Who makes the most in your entire family? I have no idea. Do you like writing essays? I don't mind, if the topic interests me. Do you think plastic surgery is no big deal? Nah. Well, I think you can take it to an visual extreme, but that's just my opinion. Do what makes you comfortable in your own body. Do you take your trash to the dump or have it picked up? It's picked up. When you sneeze do you sneeze into your shirt or your hands? The inside of my elbow. Do you usually have sex in the morning, noon or night time? It usually happened at night. Did you ever fail your learners/drivers test? Haven't taken it yet. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? OH MY GOD NEITHER Name someone you’ve become a lot closer to recently: No one, really? Well, unless you count my change of feelings for Girt, but it's just that: a type of change. I've loved him platonically since high school, and it's like, I feel the same for him, just in a romantic way now? Does your car have a sunroof? No. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? My mom. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? Nope, not how I roll. Who’s the last person you cuddled with? Sara. Unless you count my cat. Are you friends with any of your teachers on Facebook? Former teachers, yes. I feel kinda bad for 'em now... They're all the sweetest, God-fearing people, and then there's my outspoken (online) and liberal ass sharing shit that's gotta disappoint them now lmaoooo.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''somebody that i used to know'' by gotye

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