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thoughtsandbones · 11 months

Text

Time for Tea?

Simon 'Ghost' Riley x F!MedicDoc OC (codename: Blue) 💀💙

WARNINGS: Mention of profanity, self harm scars, scars, fluff, medical inaccuracies and just getting the POV of our friendly neighbourhood masked menace.

Plot: Doctor Ruhari Hari Kaur (OC is South Asian ☺️) joins the 141 again, but this time as their doctor. After the betrayal of Shepherd and Graves, Task Force 141 begins their hunt on his whereabouts and locating Makarov.

PLEASE reblog and like! Hope folks are enjoying the series, I am building up characters and plots, cos I have a lot ideas and just been enjoying writing :D

Song inspo: Across the Spider-Verse playlist basically only Spotify

Word count: It's long... sorry, not sorry.

A/N: Flashbacks are getting messed up when I am indenting them and I am getting lots of errors when publishing the work, please bare with some mistakes and spelling issues.

I grew up with the OG MW2 game, so there are some references to the old one, so kind of a mix of both the OG and the new timeline... (Also I'm ignoring the OG Shepherd betrayal and keeping in line the one with the new timeline..)

spelling and some grammar mistakes as I am bad at times... :/

(FYI: bold sentences... that are like this... are supposed to describe redacted data/info to the plot... ;] .. )

Please do let me know how you all are finding this fanfic! :D

PART 1, PART 2, PART 3, PART 4, PART 5, PART 6, PART 7, PART 8, PART 9 and PART 10

Part 11

<CUE FLASHBACK> Siberia, Russia, October 12 2010 Day 3- The storm was making it difficult to see where you were going; the harsh sharp wind was piercing through your morf snood, cold needles prick your skin. You breathe out, the moisture cooling the cold around your mouth. "Yer drifting right Blue, come to your left a bit" The Captain said over the radio Looking over to your left you could no longer make out the silhouette of the Captain. "Copy Cap" You say back and change your direction walking left, you see the outline of the Captain emerge. "Stick close, we are nearly there" He said over the radio again "Yes sir" Both of you walked, slightly crouched. The storm bringing in snow, being the perfect cover for the two soldiers infiltrating the base. Up ahead you see barbed wire fencing appear, the silhouette of the buildings of the base coming into view. The Captain puts his hand up, signalling you to stop, you do so. "Here we are Blue" He says "Hanger on the right hand-side of the tarmac Cap?" you say "Aye, make our way through to the left and head to the tarmac where the MiGs are." "Copy Cap" The Captain crouched down, looking left and right, and you followed him "Blue, yer nervous?" The Captain says You look at the back of his head, he doesn't turn, because you know he's looking on the look out. "Staying focused Cap" You respond, trying to keep a cool demeanour. "It's alrigh' to be nervous" The Captain teased "Nervousness produces adrenaline, which is keeping me on high alert for any Russians sir" The Captain chuckled through the radio "Aye, yer nervous" he said "Yer got me, so yer'll good" The Captain added You laugh back "Aye Cap" you mimic his Scottish accent which earned another chuckle over the radio.

"This is Major Perov! Come up with your hands...."

The hiss of that memory electrified your whole body awake. Hot sweats lathered your body, your baggy t-shirt clung to your back and chest making those parts of your t-shirt damp. You can smell the sweat coming off you as you turn to lie on your front.

Not another dream like that again You think, groaning into the pillow. The sticky sweat had seeped through your t-shirt and onto the bed. Running your hand through your hair and down the nape of neck, you could feel the droplets resting on the surface of your skin as they were squashed against your fingertips.

Gross

Getting up, you sit crossed legged on the bed, the sweat on your body going from hot to cold. You shiver. Grabbing the duvet you wrap it around you. You feel the cold within your marrow.

You grab your phone. It was 3:46am. Laying back down on the bed all snuggled with your blanket and sweat ridden shirt. Pondering at the thought of going back to sleep. The bad odour coming off you made you abandon the thought.

Unraveling yourself from the blanket you head to the bathroom, turning the shower on and wait for it to get warm. Taking off your shirt, still damp with sweat and chucking it in the laundry basket. Catching your naked body briefly in the mirror.

Your torso a lighter shade of brown than your arms and neck. You turn your body admiring the right side of your arm and shoulder, flexing the muscles under the skin. The bullet scar curved over the top of your shoulder, the black humerus bone tattoo standing out. These markings make you, you.

The mirror began to steam up from the heat of the shower, stepping in, bracing yourself for the onslaught of hot water droplets that somehow pierced into your skin and warmed your bones directly.

Once you dried yourself and got ready it was 4:26 am, you were hungry but the mess hall wouldn't be open. Price did say he had a small kitchenette next to his office you could use. In your second drawer you grab a mug along with a small bag that contained your emergency stash of tea, sugar and milk sachets. You hoped Price would have fresh milk and tea, but you brought yours just in case.

You put on a black hoodie over your clean grey shirt that was tucked in your black joggers, trying to keep you warm, and your trainers, walking out with your mug, whilst stuffing the your home tea kit in the large pocket of your hoodie.

Damp strands of hair clung to your face as you walked to the kitchenette, putting your AirPods and playing music to drown out of the echo of your dream.

Meanwhile in Price's kitchenette/break room, Simon sat on the sofa, head laying back with a cup of chamomile and lavender tea, it was the smell of this brewed tea that helped calm him from another restless night, he held the mug close to his chest, giving warmth to his heart.

The steam from the mug drifted to his naked face, his mask hitched above his brows. He brought the mug to his lips and took a sip of the tea, savouring the warm bitterness of the lavender and sweetness of the honey. His ears perked at the sound of approaching footsteps outside the break room, he quickly pulled his mask down his face with his left hand, holding his mug steady with his right.

The doorknob turned and the door opened. There you walked in, your long damp brown hair reflecting in the dim light, you did not turn the light on.

Ghost froze, he had not expected you to come here, especially at this time in the morning. He watched as you headed over to the kettle and placing your hand on it's side.

The kettle was warm, it had just been used, and someone was in here, as you heard movement come from behind you.

Price? You think and then turning around expecting to see a grinning gentlemen.

Nope. It was the masked menace, Ghost, sitting on the sofa, holding a mug of tea. Through the little natural light that lit the room, you could make out his blue eyed-balls widening at you.

"Morning Lieutenant." You say turning back round, and switching the kettle on.

"Mornin' Doc" Ghost gruffed, he cleared his throat. He watched as you took out a bag from your black hoodie, and take out a Tetley tea bag along with a spoon. You didn't even flinch.

Tetley girl eh? Ghost thought gazing down you, wearing black joggers. His eyes went back to your brown hair draped over your shoulders, some parts still damp.

The kettle began to shake as the water within boiled. You placed the string around the handle of the mug and plopped the tea bag into the mug. The kettle boiled as the switched flipped up. Waiting a few seconds then pouring the water into the mug, watching the colourless water become seeped with dark amber.

"Is there milk in the fridge that I can use?" You ask, your back still facing away from Ghost.

"Yeah, blue top on the bottom shelf" Ghost says watching as you move to the fridge

"Thanks" You say, opening the door and grabbing the milk.

Ghost watched as you set his pint of milk next to your mug, you stirred the teabag with a spoon you brought out from the little bag. You take out a sugar sachet, ripping it and placing its contents in the mug, then swirling the tea. He watches as you squeeze the teabag against the side of the mug and toss it in the open bin. You take his milk and pour a dash of it in, stirring the contents, you add a bit more.

Ghost wondered how milky you liked your tea...

You screw the cap back on and then put it in the fridge, grabbing your mug you sit on one of the four chairs surrounding a small square table, where you place your mug of tea. You look over your shoulder and see Ghost still staring at you. Looking down at your wrist, noticing you forgot to put your watch on so you couldn't count the seconds of how long he was staring at you this morning. You let out a sigh, delving back into the music that sprang from your earphones.

Ghost diverted his gaze back to his mug. He then watched you take a sip of tea in the corner of his eye. He looked back down at his tea, the mugs warmth bringing him a sort of comfort as you sat there. Ghost noticed you move your left arm up, like a magnet his eyes were drawn to your movements, you pushed you hair back, he noticed you had those wireless ear buds in, he scanned your body noticing your left leg resting on the chair opposite and your right foot tapping the air gently.

He was frozen in his seat. He felt like he could not move or get up. Ghost was drawn to you again as you raised your arm and placed your elbow on the table, resting your head in the palm of your hand.

You take another sip of tea. Gulping another sip of the hot liquid down, trying to warm your insides that felt cold, warming the nerves.

If only you could make some chai but you didn't have the spices with you.

"This is Major Perov..." echos in your left ear but faintly this time, you try and focus back on the music..

Should've brought my jar from home you think. You lean back into the chair sighing again. You turn your head to the left and see Ghost looking at you, he moves his head down, to look at the tea in his hand.

There was no heavy tension between you two... or so you could tell... He could've left when you went in but he didn't. You wonder how would you bring up a subject like Siberia to him. You don't even know him. He's just a masked enigma.

Wish the Captain was here. You think, worse case, Sergeant Riley would do, the distant memory of him awakens in your mind He'd surely tell you to leave him be but throw in the sarcastic comment to see how'd he'd respond and go off that. 12 years since they've been gone. 11 and 10 years for MG and KD. Your former mentors and comrades. Gone.

Now you've got new ones to get to know. And one currently sitting in the same room seemingly hates your guts or has some major trust issues.

You clear your throat, pausing the music, taking the left ear bud out, taking your shot...

"Did you get the email sir?" You ask, turning slightly towards him, bring your left leg down from the chair opposite.

Ghost looked up "Yeah I did" he responded whilst nodding, his the fingers on his right hand drumming against the mug. Lump forming in his throat again.

You nod back, bringing your mug in your hands and close your chest, and then take a sip. The insides of you cold still. Perhaps cocooning yourself with your blanket will help? You think

Ghost watches as you bring out your phone, taking your other earbud out and placing them back in your pocket. His eyes stuck to you as you get up and take your mug and little tea kit bag, stuffing it back in your pocket.

"See you later Lieutenant" You say not smiling

Ghost nods back at you and watched you leave, closing the door gently behind you. He glanced at his watch. 5:15am... In about 9 hours you both were going to have another interaction together... Why were you up so early? Training perhaps?

The stoic face you had flashed across his eyelids when he blinked.

You were annoyed, who wouldn't be? Ghost retorted to himself, slightly scoffing. The looped voices bouncing across his cranium.

He leaned back on the sofa, his tea now lukewarm, he lifted his mask and took a sip.

"Bleurgh" He said as the barely warm liquid ran down his throat. He gets up, takes the teabag out and tosses it in the bin and pours the tea in the sink, washes the mug and places it on the drying rack. Ghost stands by the counter, looking at the seat which you sat at moments ago.

He had a chance to apologise but missed. He left the break room and headed back to his room, his mind more clouded than before.

Later on that day

"Hope my blood pressure isn't too high" Price said as you wrapped the cuff around his right arm.

You smile slightly and shake your head at Price's remark

"Shall find out soon enough" you reply pressing the start button on the blood pressure machine, the cuff fills up with air, the machine whirrs, the numbers on the machine rise up.

Once you hear two beeps the reading is complete: 125/80

"125/80, that's perfectly good for someone your age" You say

"My age?" Price chuckles

"41 is a good age sir"

"You're 9 years younger than me Doc"

You look up "Don't look it though" You smirk.

Taking off the blood pressure cuff, you write the reading down on your chart for the Captain.

"Your med kit is good, I just put more Celox, the haemostatic gauze, and saline in there" handing him his med kit, zipping it up.

"That shellfish stuff?" Price asks as he takes his kit giving you a semi-disgusted look.

"Yes sir"

"Not a fan" He added looking at his kit

"Good thing you won't be eating it for rations" You retort

Price chuckles, and checks his watch 10:55 am.

"Right, I'll leave you to prep for the next patient" Price says, you get up and take the tissue paper where Price sat and placed it in the bin. Spraying the bed with disinfectant and wiping it down with blue roll. You wait for the remaining disinfectant to dry and go to the bathroom and wash your hands.

For the duration of the 30 seconds it takes you to thoroughly wash your hands you scan your reflection in the mirror. Drying your hands and turning the tap off you head back in the main room.

Laying new tissue on the bed, you hear footsteps approach, checking your watch it was 10:59am. Perfect timing you think

Gaz appears in the doorway, you propped open after Price left, you look up and force a smile

"Morning Gaz" You say

"Morning Doc, you good?" Gaz asked, he carried his half empty med kit in his hand, sort of hoping you won't scold him. He looked around the infirmary, it was done up well. Clean. Organised. A laptop on your desk, along with a few files stacked neatly next to it. A small brain statue lay next to the lamp.

"Good, how are you?" You say gesturing to the med bed as you closed the door.

"Very well doc, er.. my med kit is a mess" Gaz says handing over his med-kit.

You take it, and examine, a little worn and torn, but expected when out in the field, somewhat similar to Price's bits of sand trapped in the edges, unzipping it you see it stocked with a few plasters, one ambulance dressing and gauze. Looking back up, you see Gaz's concerned face.

"I can stock this up fully, don't worry" you say smiling, "Fill what you can on the chart, don't worry about address" you add, heading to the cabinets behind your desk and place med kit on the counter. You turn back to see Gaz and walk back over.

You take out your equipment and move over to where Gaz sat, placing the clipboard with the pen to the side.

"Temp check" you say placing the IR thermometer to his forehead. The screen turned green, 36.4 ℃, normal. You grab the chart and jot this down.

You place a pulse ox monitor on this forefinger on his left forefinger.

"What's this for?" Gaz says flickering his finger where the oximeter was clipped.

"Measures pulse and percentage of oxygen in your blood"

"Cool gizmo"

"98%, good" You say checking the screen and scribbling the number down. "Pulse at 88 bpm, also good"

"Why not 100%?" Gaz asks looking at the oximeter, he breathes in sharply and holds his breathe, the oximeter changed by 1%.

You let out a small laugh "Not always, as we have a little carbon dioxide in our blood" You say

"Interesting" Gaz says continuing to look at the oximeter.

Taking the oximeter off his finger you proceed with the other checks; blood pressure, height and weight check, general well being, medicine enquiries but mostly refilling his med kit.

You hand it back to Gaz and explain what new stuff you packed. Gaz nods and thanks you and leaves.

It was 11:45am, Soap will be here soon, you follow the same procedure, strip, wipe down and set up.

Never did you think you'd be doing the job of a GP, seeing patients one after another, no surgeries, no rotations and no other doctors, least no friendly doctors yet...

There was a knock on the door. Getting up and opening it, you see Soap grinning.

"Morning Doc" He said

"Morning Soap" You reply back, making way for him to enter as you stood by the door, he walked and looked around.

"How are yer?" He asked turning facing you as you closed the door.

"Good" You say "How are you?"

"Been alrigh' Doc, Ghost beat me in target shooting this mornin'" He adds, awaiting your reaction when he mentioned Ghost's name.

You walk over "Ah, better luck next time" You say

"Take a seat on the med bed and fill out the chart on the tray" You gesture to the clipboard.

Soap picks it up and starts to write down his details, he notices are large x in pen over the personal details section apart from name and date of birth.

He fills out what he can and places the clipboard back on the tray.

Walking over, you begin with the your check list of check-ups. Soap took his shirt off, you stare at him blankly, trying not to ogle at the toned and defined muscles of his upper body.

"Ergh what are you doing?" You say apprehensively

"Don't yer need to put those electric cables on my chest?" Soap said looking at you confused.

You meet his confused face with yours. Your cheeks feel hot as your eyes dropped to his abs and down his snail trail, Soap followed your eyes and grinned. Swiftly turning on your left heel I cannot believe I looked you cling to your white coat.

"I'm not doing an ECG, please put your shirt on" You say closing your eyes trying to shake the image, now realising what Soap thought.

"Alrigh' doc it's on" He laughed "Sorry, I genuinely thought.." he trailed off as your turned back around, your cheeks showing a tinge of pink. He saw you biting in your lips and your ears going red.

You proceeded with the checks:

Pulse oximeter on; 98% and 97bpm

BP: 126/70

etc etc etc

You finish by asking Soap to step off the weights.

"Got your med-kit?" You ask

Soap's face dropped, the one thing he completely forgot that he should not have forgotten.

Taking in his shocked face, you smirk

"Get it to me when you can. I have Lieutenant Ghost at 13:30 so before then please" You say and Soap nods as he leaves the infirmary. Glancing at your watch, 12:40pm, enough time for a quick lunch.

Heading down to mess hall, it was busy of course, you wait in line for food along with other soldiers. You felt like you stood out with your blue scrubs, it's not like you were actually working in a hospital. Should've worn my black fatigues and sweater you think as you move along with the line.

Lunch was a steak and ale pie with chips. You felt full after half-eating the pie, you check your watch 13:10pm. You swiftly stop eating and get up, putting the food in the food bin and placing the plate and tray on their associated piles.

Heading back to the infirmary, you spot Ghost and Soap talking outside, Ghost looks at you and lowers his voice, Soap also looks at you and nods, you see him holding the med kit in his hand.

As you approach, they both stop, both looking at you as you open the door.

"Afternoon" You say to Ghost,

"Goo' afternoon doc" Ghost said, taking a deep breathe as he stepped inside the infirmary. He looked around, it was nice, orderly and clean. A better state than before you came.

"Got the med-kit" Soap said, bringing out out of his pockets of his fatigues, it was rolled up and empty. You take it off him, "I'll give it to you once it's ready" You say, Soap nods but doesn't move

"Here's mine" Ghost said as he uncrossed his arms and brought his kit, it was fuller and heavier as it was placed on your hands.

"Right, I'll have a look in a bit." You say looking up at him and then to Soap who was still hovering.

"You alright?" You ask Soap

"Yeah, just..." Soap started looking at Ghost.

"Johnny, you had your check up, now bugger off" Ghost said turning to him, knowing exactly why he was lingering

Soap grinned at Ghost and then at you, he began to walk away but turned slightly

"Lt, if you wanna make the doc blush, all you gotta do is take your shirt off" Soap winks and teases closing the door

"Wa-What?!" You say stammer as Soap closes the door, you could hear him laughing on the other side.

Ghost whips his head from the door to see your wide eyed shocked face, you turn your head to meet his eyes, he taken in your doe-eyed expression.

"He took his shirt off on his own accord" Υοu blurt "Thought he was getting an ECG done" you say motioning to the empty space between you with your right hand as if to swat the memory away.

"It's alrigh' Johnny likes teasin'" Ghost says, he watches your face return to normal, and head to the back counter placing both med kits there and opening them up, examining the contents.

Ghost watched your back, like he did this morning.

"Sorry about yesterday" He says looking at your back, he watches your head come up, listening.

"I was out of line, you're good.." He added "Just was.. cautious" Ghost added slowly. He felt his right hand reach up out to you, wanting to tell you it's...

You take in his words.. inhaling for four, you turn around and head back to where Ghost was, exhaling for four.

Ghost swiftly brought his right arm down in his back pocket of his jeans. He looked at you and you smiled, he relaxed a bit more.

"Thank you lieutenant" You say, accepting his apology, you still feel like he somehow... For some reason he still despises you...

You look up at him and smile, he nods back, you his eyes crinkle a bit, hopefully smiling underneath that mask...

Ah the mask and the clothes... You always observed him wearing long sleeve shirts or sweaters, no t-shirt in site so far...

"So.. I'm going to check your blood pressure, pulse, weight, height..." You trail off looking at his blue eyes grabbing the clipboard on the tray.

Ghost blinks and looks back at your deep brown eyes, framed by your black mascara'd lashes "Yes doc..." He says slowly

"I understand the mask stays on, but need to take a neck reading for body temperature if that's okay?" You add looking down from his eyes to his shoulders then to your clipboard.

"Of course" Ghost says, lifting the hem of his mask to reveal is neck. You were entranced by the sudden willing nakedness of his neck, the hem stopping under his chin with his ungloved hand; snapping out of the haze you grab the IR thermometer and press the button, you look back at his neck and notice a mole on the pale skin covering his jugular.

The thermometer beeps, screen turning green, 36.8 ℃. Good. Placing the thermometer down, you grab the chart and jot it down.

Ghost pulls his mask down, watching you scribble out parts on the form. He unzips his jacket, revealing his own black pullover hoodie.

You look up and notice your lieutenant take his jacket off, and then reach for the hem of his hoodie. Leaning on your heal you turn your back.

Please don't strip down like Soap you plead trying not to imagine what his naked torso would look like.

After taking his hoodie off, and folding it on top of his jacket. He looks and sees you've turned fully, your back facing him, smirking slightly under his mask, he wonders if he should tease you and take his shirt off too...

Turning back to face the Lieutenant, you see him wearing a black t-shirt which hug snuggly to his muscular torso. Grabbing the blood pressure cuff you bring it next to him. You notice on his left fore arm a myriad of different tattoos.

Ghost watches as you move towards with a blood pressure machine, he rolls up his sleeve of his t-shirt, he gazes at your brown hair now braided, slightly messy, as few strands have fallen out are now tucked behind your ear, he notices two small silver hoops hugging your cartilage.

Unravelling the cuff, you wrap it around his chiseled bicep, you noticed a few scars up and down his arm, even a few on his hand, but you didn't say anything or linger on them too long. Not when you knew how awkward it is when people stare and make remarks of your own scars.

Looks bigger than my thighs you think, admiring the muscles laying underneath the flesh of his upper arm.

The cuff did not fit fully. You look up at Ghost, he was looking at you, your eyes widened slightly.

"Good thing the machine came with an extra large cuff" You smirk, taking the cuff off the machine and heading to the drawers he cleaned last week.

"Good thin'" Ghost repeats, sitting up taller, observing the way your white coat glided with your movements. Your left breast pocket filled with pens, he noticed some writing underneath the pocket, but couldn't decipher it.

Walking back to Ghost with the XL cuff, you plug it in the machine, unravel it and placed it around his arm above his elbow. You swiftly look at the tattoos again on his left arm; a black monochromatic piece, a wonderful chaos of skulls, a dog tag, guns and other army related pieces.

Your cold fingers grazed his warm skin, Ghost felt the cold ripple all the way to his chest. He watched on as you adjusted the cuff.

"That alright?"

"Yeah" Ghost says

He watches as you press the machine and watch the numbers go up, he felt the cuff tighten as it filled with air around his arm. The air hissed and he watched the numbers fall down. 137/88

Grabbing the clipboard and the pen, you jot down the numbers, and you frown slightly.

"You've got high blood pressure"

Ghosts huffs Great he moans in his head

"How old are you?"

"34" Ghost grumbled

"How's your diet?" You ask looking up at him

"Alrigh'"

"Are you taking any drugs, legal or illegal?" You ask

Ghost looks at you, stunned by the wording of your question

"Legal?" He asks narrowing his eyes at you. You gotta be pullin' my leg

"Paracetamol, simvastatin, antibiotics, opioid based pain relief etc" You say

"And illegal?" Ghost asks perking up, curious as to where this will go...

"Cocaine, cannabis and other not so fun things" You add smirking at him.

"Only done the legal kin', paracetamol and hold up - opioid based pain relief? Ghost whips at you, now realising what you said.

"Morphine, codeine and oxycodone" You say "They're legal but addictive like heroin."

Ghost takes it in, of course, he had his own familial experience with that dark side of drug addiction. Tommy...

"Just paracetamol and antibiotics from injuries in the field" Ghost said quietly

"Okay" You say, jotting that down.

"Any new stress in your life?" You say looking back up to him

Ghost looks at you, and then back at the reading of the BP monitor, 137/88 flashes at him.

You observe Ghost, looking at the monitor

"High blood pressure is not worrying if we can correct external factors like diet, exercise and maintaining any stresses" You roll off your tongue.

Jeez you sound like the pamphlet you remember your mum getting from the nurse about high blood pressure You slide back slightly on your chair turning your head, manoeuvring yourself to the trolley tray, rolling your eyes to yourself as you aimlessly fiddle in the tray.

Of course these guys would have a few health issues, they are super elite soldiers, they've dealt with so much...

Ghost looks at you. He's been here before, doctors telling him to change this, do that, etc etc...

You grab the pulse oximeter and move back over to Ghost.

Alright, Sergeant Riley taking your advice; sarcastic comment, time to throw that..

"Look, I sounded like a damn pamphlet, but I'm here for all your health needs" You say bringing your hands up to your sides, foolishly giving him jazz fingers and you smile with teeth.

Ghost scoffs a laugh out, then clears his throat turning his head to the side.

"No new stresses" Ghost says, his gaze back to you, he watches you raise an eyebrow and tilt your head.

"Not even me?" You add, remembering the encounter yesterday after the target course.

Staring into your narrowed brown eyes Ghost knew it was you who was slightly causing stress. Ghost shook his head and then looked at the BP monitor again.

You get up and take the cuff off his arm. You show him the pulse oximeter, and he brings his hand up, you clip it on his forefinger.

"What time do you usually get up?" You ask, remembering the encounter this morning at around 5am.

"Couldn't sleep last night if you're referrin' to this morning" He says looking up at you

You nod back at him, your lip curved slightly. 98% and a pulse of 72bpm. Strong heart

"Not able to get to sleep or wake-up in the middle of the night?" You ask writing down the readings of the oximeter.

"Both" Ghost grunts

"Have you tried any medicine for sleeping?" You ask

"That herbal stuff, calm, from Boots" he said

He watches as you wrinkle your nose. "Didn't work?" You say

"Yeah"

"I'll give you zopiclone, just one, for tonight, see how it goes and we will have another check-in tomorrow" You add, heading to the small locked cabinet and cut out one tablet from the sheet. Locking the cabinet, you head back and give it to Ghost, he places it in his jean pocket.

He continues gazing upon your movements, your hand flicking back a strand of hair that got near your amber brown eyes.

"Take it an hour before sleep, avoid going on your phone and alcohol and should help with aiding sleep. Keep water or squash nearby as it can have metallic aftertaste" You command softly whilst writing away on the clipboard sitting on the stool.

Ghost looked at you, all this seemed so natural coming out of you. He nods along, mesmerised with your poise and assertiveness. That's the rookie you remember from all those years ago. He smirked under his mask and leaned forward a bit.

"How was the herbal tea?" You ask looking back up

"Eh?" He guffles, how could you know?

"This morning, I could smell lavender, was that your tea?" You say, eyes becoming doe-eyed.

'Course, the smell of lavender was soothing, especially after that... episode... nightmare

"Yeah Doc"

"Does it help?" You ask

"Sort of, chamomile and lavender tea..." Ghost begins and then pauses.

Gazing upon his eyes, which shifted left to right as he spoke to you. His cool blue eyes strike yours, they were even icier against his blonde eyelashes.

Ghost looks at you, he notices the writing on your white coat, Dr Hari Kaur Neurosurgery threaded in black cursive under the pocket full of pens.

"What abou' you?" Ghost asks, he notices your eyes narrow.

"What do you mean?"

"You were up early" Ghost retorted

Tilting your head back, your roll your head around. Maybe if I open up, he'll too...

"Bad dream woke me up." half-lying to him. You didn't want to talk about Siberia, not now..

Ghost watched as your eyes lost a bit of brightness, becoming dull.

"Tea help?" He asked, trying to bring that brightness back in your eyes

"Tea always helps" You smirked

"What one you have?" Ghost asked, knowing full well you had Tetley.

"Tetley, but I prefer PG tips" You grinned, eyes twinkling again.

"Oooh" he sucked in some air "Yorkshire is best" he sighed

"Tetley is from Yorkshire!" You snapped

"Was from Yorkshire" He retaliated "Run by an Indian company now, Yorkshire Tea is still based in Yorkshire" He added crossing his arms and puffing his chest out.

You scoff at him, looking away and then back at him, admiring his chiseled torso.

"Actually prefer chai, with PG tips" You quipped

"Hmm" Ghost says "Maybe you could use my Yorkshire Tea next time and I'll judge" he added

Nodding back at him you get off the stool. "Next time for tea then?" he nods back.

Ghost watches and listens as you ask him to step on the weight balance, and checks his height. He continues to gaze at you as you complete other checks needed, obliging your every command willingly. It was the least he could do after the way he treated you.

You would understand if he told you later convincing himself that now is not the right time.

You would understand, bad people are out there

He gives a nod and a yes comes out of his mouth, as you say something about his med-kit, his eyes drawn in on your back as you walk to the counter checking their contents again.

You would understand, it's safer for Simon Riley to remain dead to you.

Ghost looks at you, wondering if you ever thought about Simon Riley...

"I am the death of everything you know and love" Roba's voice echoed faintly in his skull

You would understand

#fan fic ideas #simon ghost riley x medic #simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x doctor #modern warfare fanfiction #angst #cod fanfic #modern warfare fluff #fanfic fluff #ghost cod #simon ghost riley x oc #cod ghost #cod fandom #cod fluff #simon ghost riley x original character

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suzukiblu · 6 months

Note

sorry if this is weird (and i realize now that ive said that a lot…) but ive been sending anons in for a while and ive been thinking of making an ao3 to post fics that are kind of inspired by yours. unfortunately, i’m absolutely terrible at making usernames. do you have any suggestions for coming up with usernames? or just. suggestions for usernames. either. or neither. idk

Friend, you have not even scratched the surface of weird here, haha. Also fyi I would love to see any of those fics so please link me if you do in fact post them. ❤️

As for usernames, I'm gonna be honest, I inherited my main and best-known username by taking over my favorite cousin's old LiveJournal back in, like, literal high school and have just decided to stick with Brand Recognition(tm) in the twenty years or so since, hahaha. It is a horse's name. Literally, literally it belonged to a horse. I very rarely come up with new usernames, especially these days, but when I do I kinda tend to just pick random things I think sound good at the time? Like, whatever quote or lyric or interesting word pops to mind, I just take that and do some kind of combination/complementing thing with it.

Idk if they'll help/inspire you, but a few of the old usernames I've used over the years:

sunfreak

witch_knuckle / warlock_knuckle

scarlet_yvette

thescuttlebugg

scarlet_yvette was a reference to a semi-obscure X-Men/Generation X character who was one of my diehard faves as a teenager, but the rest I just came up with 'cause I liked how they sounded, pretty much. Actually I also liked how scarlet_yvette sounded, haha, I thought it flowed nicely. And thescuttlebugg was for a side account I mostly wrote Miraculous Ladybug fic on, so I figured a bug-related name that wasn't EXCLUSIVELY fandom-oriented would be good for that.

Honestly my best advice for making a username is don't go with anything too generic so you have a better chance of getting it on multiple sites, and don't go with anything too obviously tied down to a specific fandom, because if/when you migrate or wanna dabble in other ones it can be annoying, especially if you end up having a bad experience in the original fandom and getting soured on it. Basically names that aren't too heavily linked to someone else's work are my personal preference, so you can take or leave them as you please, but that's also just what works for me.

Hope any of that helped, hah. Feel free to message again if you still need a hand!

#rintalk #anonymous

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cerealandchoccymilk · 11 months

Text

Trigun Bookclub: Trigun Vol.1, Chapter #05

previous | all | next

CW: Some of my analysis in this post handles the topic of death and suicide (there will be a warning around that portion). There are also more spoilers than usual. Stay safe!

I’m doing a deep-read of the Japanese original print (reread) and Overhaul 1.0 (first read) side-by-side, and writing down everything I notice from small details, version differences, translation differences, etc.

As always, here are the silly silly non-analysis panels:

And the rest is under the cut >:)

[link for if the images aren’t in horizontal rows]

Milly and Meryl (especially Milly goddamn) rolling nat 20's on their perception checks. It really is scary how good their sixth sense is.

In the previous chapter, Vash asked for (and for a while was using) a 3rd class seat, but it looks like he asked for a grade-up or something to accomodate for Kaito.

A sort-of mistranslation - Kaito means that Vash talks as if he were someone from the Big Fall (because in that time period, there's no way any human from then would be alive), so it should be more like "You talk as if you were actually at the Big Fall, over a hundred years ago." The existing phrasing could also mean that, but this would make it less ambiguous. Also, I would replace his "I/my" statements with "we/our," since it's not specified and he assumes Vash is just a human that's talking weirdly.

This line is really interesting to me from a rereading standpoint. At this point, Vash's origins and age are still a mystery, and this is the first hint at it. Vash's expression makes me think that maybe he was reminded that no one other than him (+Knives+the people at the Home ship) is from that time period. To the overwhelming majority of people, No Man's Land is their only home; this life is all they know.

Don't have much to say about this one that's not in the image. Vash's pussy is out again. Excellent (horrible) form. Kaito is either a bit worried about how hard he fell, or he doesn't give a shit and is just nervous/cautious about the mission.

I love how over-the-top neon is. Smoking a firework!! Damn!!

A decent amount of lines from Neon and the BL gang (I'm going to call them that exclusively) are in katakana English.

I like how he says "maggots" in place of the...rude 3rd person pronoun (??)(that sounds kinda stupid in english lmao) Neon says something more like "It's about time that boy set everything up!!" referring to the small bombs he was putting in the vents.

His pose here reminds me of kabuki. I'm not sure about details, since I don't know much about kabuki... But it looks like a stereotypical kabuki pose. Another over-the-top point for Neon.

In Japanese, the first line has "reeking of manure" describing the wagons. For the "Big Man" in Japanese, the kanji for the sandsteamer (砂蒸気, usually ruby-ed サンドスチーム/sandsteamer) with the ruby note saying Big Man (ビッグ・マン). Also, the guy mentions that the chasing them off is part of the fee they paid.

More over-the-top-ness from Neon. In the Japanese version, the first line looks a lot like one of those super long German words to me lol (究極華麗弩級盗賊). The portion saying "The Bad Lads Gang!" in Japanese is pretty much just "Hhhhhheaaaddd!!!!" (as in leader).

The introduction for Neon actually has play on words/kanji. The word 降臨 (kōrin) is originally for Christ's coming or descent, usually used for any arrival of someone "godly" (fyi Japanese has a much more casual sense of godliness than in English). What it says here, though, is 光臨, which replaces the first hald with the character for "light" (also kō). How bright can this guy get!?

Did Kaito nicely go through the trouble of moving Vash onto the bed before venting? how... that's a grown man...

And here is Rem's first appearance!! Just now realized that her name is probably based off of REM sleep (the stage of sleep associated with dreaming). The two are wearing similar (but not the same) clothes, with Rem wearing a tucked t-shirt and jeans, and Vash wearing an untucked button-up and jeans. I'm not smart enough for this but there's gotta be something to analyze here along with the fact that Vash is an adult (the dream isn't entirely based on memory)... Also, this is the first time we see Vash in a casual outfit.

This may very well be me reading into things too much, but it stuck out to me that Rem is barefoot while Vash has sneakers on. I had two speculations about this. One is that Rem has been at that picnic for longer than Vash, and Vash just got (appeared...?) there. I'm not sure about Western picnic customs/etiquette, but in Japan, you always take your shoes off when sitting down on the tarp. Rem is the one that set the picnic up, but Vash hasn't had the chance to even take his shoes off. this sounds kinda stupid now that im typing it out. idek (throws computer out of window) [death/sui cw] The other, more messed up one is that it symbolizes Rem's death. This one is definitely more overanalysis-y!! It reminded me of what Reigen did during the final arc of MP100...iykyk. During the Great Fall, Rem willingly stayed on the ship to save humanity, sacrificing herself. I'll spare the details, but in Japanese culture, people often take their shoes off before committing suicide. It's a frequently used symbol in art that handles the topic. Rem being barefoot may be symbolizing her resolve at the time of her death, of being prepared to die if it means she can save one more person. [/cw]

did i write all that for a single panel. this aut really be isming OH MY GOD MY COMPUTER JUST RAN OUT OF BATTERY I HAD A HEART ATTACK. I FORGOT IT WASNT PLUGGED IN HOLY SHIT THANK GOD FOR AUTOSAVE.

This line of Vash's is also interesting. Is he viewing "people" from an outsider's perspective, as an independent Plant? Or is including himself in that, questioning the meaning of his own current life in the desert planet, too?

In Japanese. way he responded to Rem's giggling looked a bit childish to me, like he reverted a bit back to his childhood, or he's just being a more relaxed around Rem. mom........

Ok okokok. In Japanese, she (more literally) says "All I can muster/the best I can do is ask my heart [the destination] (read: what I can do)." This may be a translation correction but I honestly was not thinking about that at all during the annotation lol. I'm too sleepy to actually talk about the importance of this line and the way it's phrased. but you get it. you get it.........

Silly Vash face for the first time in a while!! Vash's reaction upon waking gives me the impression that this is the first time (in a long while, at least) that he's dreamed about Rem...? he looks so cute..........................help...................

And that’s it for Chapter #05! As always, the Japanese annotations are in the reblogs.

i know i'm getting very behind. theres absolutely no way im going to complete all this in real time with the book club. and all this stuff about rem is not helping. send help

#hopefully we can just catch up once the trimax weeks start #since they have significantly less chapters per volume lmao #trigunbookclub #trigun annotation #trigun #trigun manga

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xbaepsae · 4 years

Text

it’s complicated (m)

“You are long past the point of no return. The rational part of you is screaming that this is a terrible idea, that this is bound to ruin your friendship with Tae. But you can’t find it in yourself to really care. You want him, so badly you are about to burst.”

[taehyung x reader]

genre: friends with benefits!au, eventual friends to lovers!au, a lot of angst, smut

word count: 14.4k

rating: mature

warnings: loss of virginity, toxic relationship, confused/frustrated characters, unprotected sex (10/10 don’t recommend), oral, creampie, language, mentions of alcohol

a/n: this is a reupload! i honestly wasn’t going to post this fic again, because i have so many other new ideas i want to write about, but i reread this the other day and it’s actually so good?? lol. i wrote it so long ago, but wowowow i still felt the angst in my soul. also, fyi, like all of my reuploads, i’ve changed a few things (not the overall plot tho). xoxo

It all began in tenth grade English class.

At first, Kim Taehyung seems any other kid in your class—perhaps, a little loud at times but still just a boy. But that was just until you were partnered with him on a project. Least to say, you two became fast friends once you realized how funny the guy was. He could bring a smile to your face no matter the circumstances.

This friendship between you two blossomed quickly; but soon, there’s a slight shift in the air around you both.

“Y/n,” Taehyung says your name, sprawled on your bed with you.

It’s summertime, which means days seem to drag on and on. This also means that you two have nothing better to do, choosing to lazily lounge around each other’s houses. Your parents are never home anyway since they worked, so having Tae’s company is always greatly appreciated.

But despite the lackluster summer, school starts in a few weeks and the thought is bittersweet. You are happy to be occupied again, but also sad since going back to school means you no longer get to spend so much time with Taehyung. Although you both became close at school, that doesn’t mean you’ll always get to be around each other there.

“What?” you ask, turning to look at him.

“So, this might sound a little weird…but…” he trails off. “Fuck. I can’t; it’s too weird.”

You turn so you’re lying on your side, “What is it, Tae? We’re friends, right? You can tell me anything.”

Taehyung glances at you, clearly struggling with himself.

“I-I…can I kiss you?” he asks the question so fast you think maybe you just imagined it. But when you notice that his face is beat red, you realize that you did hear him right. This causes you to flush as well, a weird sensation beginning to bubble through your body.

“Where is this coming from?” you manage to ask him.

“I don’t know,” Tae admits with a shrug.

You find yourself shifting awkwardly on the bed as silence starts to fill the room. What are you supposed to say? Taehyung is your friend; you enjoy being around him and he makes you smile. But he wants to kiss you…what is that even supposed to mean?

“You know what?” he suddenly breaks the ice. “Forget I even said—”

“Okay,” you cut him off fast, not even fully registering what you say.

Taehyung snaps his head to you, mouth dropping, “What?”

“I said okay—you, I mean, we can kiss.”

You say all of this relatively calm, despite the fact that you feel like your whole body is on fire. Tae stares into your eyes, seemingly searching for something. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” you gulp nervously. “I mean, this is just for fun, right?”

Something passes over Taehyung’s eyes, but you don’t catch it fast enough. The emotion fades away and you can only assume it didn’t mean anything.

“Yeah…fun,” he says, licking his bottom lip.

Unintentionally, your eyes travel down to his plump lips and you can’t seem to look away. Has he always had such nice lips? You find yourself asking all these questions that you don’t even notice how close Tae has gotten to you, merely inches away. His breath gently fans across your face and the reality of the situation hits you. This is going to be your first kiss…ever. And to say you are freaking out would be an understatement. It’s not that you so much oppose the idea of kissing, you just haven’t met the right guy.

Looking into the eyes of your friend, you feel warmth flood your cheeks. “Tae…”

He blinks, “Yes?”

“Have you ever kissed someone?” The question rolls off your tongue.

Instead of answering your question, Tae does something else you don’t expect. Of course, you know it was going to happen eventually, but the action simultaneously takes your breath away and surprises you.

He kisses you.

Your eyes close on their own accord, reveling at how soft his lips are as they cover yours. A part of you almost can’t believe that you’re kissing him—Kim Taehyung; your friend, the boy you do everything with. What’s most unbelievable is that you actually like kissing him.

As the kiss becomes deeper, you feel yourself being pushed against the bed; Tae’s body covering half your own. You open your mouth a little wider, letting his tongue press against your own. His hands are now on each side of your body, slightly tangled in your hair. After a while you pull away, gasping for air.

“Oh my god,” you mutter breathlessly, blowing some air out of your mouth.

Taehyung is still above you.; and when you look into his eyes, you almost jerk away. “Y/n…”

“Hmm?” you ask, shy all of the sudden.

And then it hits you—he probably thinks your unexperienced ass is a bad kisser. This thought makes you feel like a total fool. It’s just flat out embarrassing because you surprisingly liked kissing him and he thought you—

“Can I kiss you again?”

You almost fall off your bed. “What?”

He lowers his head until his hair brushes your face, “I’d like to kiss you again…”

At his words, you can feel your whole body flush from a mixture of relief, excitement, and embarrassment.

“So…I’m not a bad kisser?” you find yourself asking.

Tae snaps his gaze to you, “What would you think that?”

“I-I,” you feel your ears getting hot, “I don’t know. I just thought that since…you know…I’ve never kissed someone, I probably sucked.”

Before you can explain yourself some more, he captures your lips again—effectively silencing you. This kiss is a lot quicker than the first one, but it leaves you just as dizzy and at a loss for words.

“You’re great,” he says, a cheeky smile gracing his face. You can’t help but return the smile since his is just so contagious.

The rest of this day is spent with more so-called just-for-fun kisses. The highly rational part of you claims that this is all normal—that making out with your friend is completely fine; but the emotional part of you knows that everything will never be the same—that making out with your friend is sure to have its consequences.

***

When school starts again, you almost forget about Taehyung’s kisses.

The keyword is: almost.

In your busy school schedule, you manage to somehow snag a free period. It’s a godsend, especially since you needed a study hall period to balance all the homework you had. Since it was a free period, you can spend the hour anywhere in the school. And you end up choosing one of the back corners of the library where the reference books are.

No one ever comes to this part of the library anyway, except for the librarian but that was rare. So, it’s nice and quiet. You spend the first few days of study hall doing what study hall is supposed to be used for—studying and completing homework. But as the end of the first week rolls around, you discover that study hall might not be so quiet anymore.

This particular day of study hall starts off normal. You arrive at the library, which is pretty much empty except for a few scattered students here and there, and make your way to the corner you’ve pretty much claimed as your own. When you reach that part of the library, you set your things down and pull out your homework. Just as you start the fifth problem on your calculus worksheet, someone suddenly covers your eyes.

You let out a scream, but it’s muted by a hand. You begin to furiously kick and you turn around, prepared to fight. And just as you bring your hands up, your eyes regain their sight and you see who is responsible for the unexpected attack.

“Taehyung!” you scream, and he covers your mouth again.

“Be quiet, y/n!” he reprimands. “Don’t you know this is a library?”

With his hand still over half your face, you roll your eyes. When he finally removes his hand, you roughly shove the boy. “What the fuck, Tae?!”

“What?” he asks rather innocently.

“What?” you mock. “Why did you have to do that? Can’t you see I’m busy?”

He just shrugs and takes a seat beside you, “I just wanted to surprise you, that’s all.”

You return your attention back to your worksheet, ignoring him. You manage do a few more problems before Tae speaks again. “Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m here?”

You don’t even look up. “I honestly don’t care.”

“I mean, are you not the least bit curious as to why I’m not in class right now?”

“No, I don’t care why you’re not—” you snap your head up. Holy shit. “Why aren’t you in chemistry?”

The moment you two received your schedules, you compared classes. Unfortunately, you both wouldn’t share any classes together until after winter break. And while you had your free period, Taehyung was supposed to be in chemistry…so, why is he here in the library?

When he doesn’t respond, you freak out a bit, “Oh my god, Tae! Why are you skipping class? Your teacher is going to be so—”

Taehyung interrupts you by suddenly placing a chaste kiss in your lips. You’re struck speechless for a moment, completely caught off guard.

“I switched my class,” he says with a smile.

“Why did you do that?”

“So I could do this for a whole hour,” he says, then places another kiss on your lips.

You laugh at his words, “You know we can’t actually do that, right? I really need this study hall to do homework.”

He absentmindedly waves his hand, “Yeah, yeah—you can do that too, I guess.”

“Are you serious though? You really changed your class just to come here and make out with me?” As you ask your questions, you are just teasing him. But at the same time, a smidge of you feels a bit dejected if all he wants to do is kiss you.

Not that you didn’t like kissing Taehyung, because all the kissing you two had been doing is great, but it made your relationship seem superficial if that was the only reason.

“Of course not,” he assures you. “I also really just want to spend time with you too. To go from spending every day together to practically not seeing each other is weird.”

“Agreed,” you smile. “How did you find me anyway?”

It was a logical question. Although Tae did know before that you had study hall, you never told him where exactly you spent your days.

“I just followed you from your last class,” he says like it’s nothing, but your eyes widen.

Another what the fuck leaves your mouth as you stare at your friend, “You’ve been in here the whole time?”

“I mean, I had to find where you were somehow,” he tells you. “By the way, you walk so damn fast.”

You roll your eyes at the boy, not understanding him at all. Even though he had unconventional ways of doing things, in the end, he still made you smile. For the rest of the hour, you somehow find the time to finish your math worksheet in-between the kisses that Taehyung keeps giving you. When the bell rings, signaling the end of the hour, you begin to back up your things.

“Where you headed to now?”

You look at Tae and tell him where, even though he knows the answer already, “English. You?”

Health. “Health.”

“Well, I hope you enjoy that…”

“The teacher isn’t that bad,” he smiles as you give him a look.

“He’s terrible,” you say. “End of discussion.”

Taehyung picks up his bag, smile still ever present, “Just because you didn’t make an A—”

“End of discussion.”

You sling you backpack around your back and begin to walk away. But before you can even get far, something pulls you back. You land right onto Taehyung’s chest; being this close to him, you can feel the slight muscle definition under his flimsy uniform and warmth pools in your chest.

“What?” you ask, turning around.

“Have a good rest of your day,” he says. “See you here tomorrow?”

Nodding, you open your mouth to respond, only to be interrupted by Tae’s kiss that he gives before dashing away. He leaves you alone scattered brain and at a loss for words.

“…See you,” you say once your brain can finally function again. “Tomorrow.”

***

Afternoons spent in the library become something you look forward to everyday.

Even though it’s only an hour, it’s an hour you cherish with Taehyung. Some days, all you do is homework—completely ignoring the poor boy who simply wanted your attention; and other days, you two talk and talk and talk about anything and everything. There is never a dull, quiet moment between you two. There is always something to be shared; to be told.

Because of this, your admiration for the boy grows more and more each day.

You are captivated by the stories he tells you in that vacant part of the library. From the way his animated eyes light up to the wide curve of his boxy grin, an hour never feels long enough. As he tells you his stories, all you can do is stare and smile. You’ve only known Taehyung for a few months, but it feels like you two have been friends forever.

…Friends who kiss, a little voice in your head always likes to remind you.

Kissing. You two are doing that quite a lot now. Every chance he has, he plants his lips on to yours. The action makes you swoon and confused all at the same time. You just don’t get it. It’s not that you don’t enjoy all the kissing, but it’s confusing. Does Taehyung like you? Or does he not? And it’s that you want to be with him, as his girlfriend…though perhaps a small part of you does, but you want him to be clear about his relationship with you.

And that clarification never comes.

Tae continues with the kisses, and you just learn to accept the fact that maybe your friend just likes to kiss you. It get to the point where you no longer even question or become surprised when the action appears out of nowhere.

But little do you know that this is just the beginning of something tragic.

***

In the blink of an eye, the fall semester ends.

You and Taehyung rejoice as you both finish it rather decently; getting good marks in all of your classes. Celebrations are in the making, but a spontaneous trip from your parents brings all plans to a halt.

“You’re going where?” Taehyung asks you, eyes wide and mouth parted.

“To spend the holidays with my aunt who lives in the States,” you repeat, not able to look him in the eyes.

You two have been laying in his bed playing video games, until you dropped the bomb on him. And it’s not like you’ve known about the trip for a while, you just found out from your parents yesterday. Honestly, you hadn’t planned to do much during break. If anything, you just wanted to spend time with Tae and catch up on sleep. But then your parents surprised you, and you couldn’t say no.

“B-But…that’s an entire ocean away.”

You look at the boy who has easily become your best friend, “I know—and it’s not like I really want to go, but I haven’t seen my aunt in a while. Plus, my parents already bought me the ticket and—”

“It’s okay,” he cuts your explanation off, a strained smile encasing his face. “You enjoy visiting your aunt.”

“Tae…” you know he’s probably really mad.

He only shakes his head “No, really, it’s not like we didn’t already makes plans to hang out or anything.”

“Taehyung,” now you find yourself getting mad. “Stop.”

“I’m just bummed, y/n. What am I supposed to do during break now?”

You shrug, “I don’t know. Go to a party, get drunk, and maybe kiss a few girls.”

As you say the last part, your heart starts hammering in your chest. You don’t even know why you said it at all since you can’t even begin to imagine it happening. Just the thought of another girl kissing Tae makes you green with jealously. But you know you don’t even have the right to feel such things; you aren’t his keeper.

You wait for him to respond, but he doesn’t say anything.

“I was joking,” you attempt to laugh, but it sounds forced. “But really—have fun. You don’t need me for that.”

And that’s when he gives you a look that nearly paralyzes you. His gaze is filled with so many emotions you can’t decipher, and it travels down to your core. He stares at you for so long you feel your blood pressure start to spike.

“I guess,” he says in a lower voice. You don’t know what else to say, so silence begins pooling in his room. It becomes too much to handle so you get off the bed.

“I should go,” you say, awkwardly getting your things. “I still have to pack.”

“Are you leaving tomorrow?” Taehyung doesn’t even look at you; instead, he stares at the ceiling.

You’re about to nod, but then catch yourself. “Yeah, I am.”

“When do you get back?”

Hesitation gnaws at your lips, “The day before school starts again.”

You search your friends face for a sign—any sign—but he’s completely passive. A sigh leaves you lips as you back out of his room. When you reach the door, you stop and brace yourself against it.

“I’m sorry,” you apologize for reasons you don’t even really understand. But Tae is still in the same position and doesn’t even glance your way. You sigh again before muttering a soft goodbye and leaving.

The entire time you’re away, you don’t get a single message or phone call from him.

It wouldn’t have affected you so much if you knew why. Obviously, Taehyung is mad at you, but you didn’t know the reason. And the boy has never been angry at you before; so you don’t know how to deal or how to make it better.

Even though you don’t know why he hasn’t tried to contact you, it doesn’t stop you. When you landed in the States, you texted him. On Christmas Eve, you called three times. On Christmas day, you called and left a ridiculously long voicemail—along with a few extra texts as well. Despite these efforts, you get nothing; you don’t even know if he’s reading these texts because he doesn’t have his read receipts on.

So, a few days before New Year’s, you decide to go home early. You don’t want to end the year on a bad note with Tae, and you also don’t want to start the year off not speaking. Somehow, you manage to get back the afternoon of New Year’s Eve. And the second you get home, you go to his house.

Knocking on the front door like a maniac, you pray that he hadn’t taken your advice and decided just to lounge around his house over break. Your heart is beating erratically as his mom answers the door.

“Oh, hi y/n,” she greets you with a warm smile. “How was your trip?”

“Hey, Mrs. Kim; it was good. Is Taehyung home?” you cut right to the chase.

But disappointment begins to fill you when her smile falters, “I’m sorry, y/n; he’s actually hasn’t been home all day.”

You nearly fall to the ground at her words. “What? Do you know where he is?”

“I’ve tried calling him, but he hasn’t answered. I guess he didn’t know you were coming home?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t supposed to be home for another few days,” you admit, and his mother nods. “I-I just couldn’t…I mean…I just…I missed him.” Saying the words out loud brings a weight off your shoulders, but also makes your chest ache.

“He’s missed you too,” she says, smiling again. “He’s been sulking around the house this entire month—I think today’s the first day he’s been out.” They do say that mothers know best, so knowing that Taehyung missed you makes your heart soar high.

“Do you have any idea where he might be?” desperation laces your words.

Mrs. Kim shakes her head, “He has old friends, but I don’t think he’s talked to them since meeting you.”

Why is this so difficult? You continue your conversation with his mom to think about the boy’s whereabouts, but soon realize how late it’s gotten. You figure that you should probably just go home. So, feeling a bit defeated, you wish his mom a Happy New Year and walk back to your house.

On the way there, you run through various places he might be. You try to think back to before you left—to the plans you two made together. Did he mention anything in particular that he wanted to do? You replay old conversations and then it suddenly hits you like a freight truck. Quickly, you whip out your phone and call Yoon, one of your childhood friends.

After three rings, she picks up, “Hello? Y/n…?”

“Hey…” you trail off.

On the other end, you can hear a heavy bass thumping, “Well, I haven’t heard from you in a while.”

You tell her that you can’t hear anything she’s saying, so she moves somewhere quieter and repeats her words. You can’t help but roll your eyes at her petty tone. “Like you even have time for me. You and your boyfriend are always—”

“So, what’s up?” she cuts you off and you laugh a bit.

“Where are you?”

“At a party at Jay’s house, why?”

Bingo. “Thanks, that’s all I needed to know.”

“Woah,” you hear her say, “is little miss goody-two-shoes going to make an appearance?”

“We’ll see,” you tell her.

After hanging up, you run the rest of the way home. The party Yoon was at was hosted by the one and only Jay. He’s a senior at your school and notorious for his parties. They are the best, but exclusive to upper-classmen—juniors and seniors only. Everyone couldn’t wait until they were promoted to those grades.

The one thing you remember Tae saying was that he wanted to attend one this year—that’s where he has to be tonight.

***

As you walk up the steps to Jay’s elaborate mansion, it was beyond huge, you feel your nerves twist up in a bundle. You figured that since this is a party, albeit a New Year’s Eve party, you should probably look somewhat nice—just so you kind of blend in. You opt for a black dress that hugs whatever curves you do have and your basic strappy heels. Hopefully no one’s going to question you.

When you reach the door, you’re surprised to find that it opens easily. Walking in, you’re blown away by the sheer amount of people. You thought that since the house is so big, there would be room inside. Wrong. People are packed wall-to-wall.

As soon as the door shuts behind you, you see Yoon standing not too far from you. Relief fills you at the sight of a familiar face. You call out her name and she, thankfully, hears, turning around to your direction.

“Y/n!” she exclaims, running up to you. “You look sexy!”

You feel a blush creep onto your face, “Thanks?”

“Who you dressing up for?”

“I’m just trying to blend in,” you say, brushing a few strands of hair away from your face. “But can you help me find someone?”

“So, there is someone,” she wiggles her brows. “Who?”

“Taehyung,” you say his name all too fast.

“As in Kim Taehyung?” Yoon raises a brow. “Is he that guy you’ve been hanging out with?”

“What other Taehyung is there? Have you seen him? I think he’s supposed to be here. God I hope—”

Yoon places a hand over your mouth, “Clam down, tiger. I’ll ask one of Jay’s friends—they know everybody.”

You watch as she walks away from you and to a guy a few feet away. She whispers something in his ear and he nods, whispering something back. Yoon seems pleased with the answer and comes back to you.

“So?” you ask impatiently.

“They say he’s here,” you immediately brighten up, feeling like a genius for guessing his location right, “but they don’t know where exactly he is.”

Your eyes automatically begin searching the room, “That’s okay; I’ll find him. Thanks again Yoon.”

Before Yoon can say anything else, you’re lost in the crowd of sweaty people. As you walk through the crowd, your eyes desperately search for his. This is going to be impossible—there are so many people here. You walk through the numerous living areas and even the kitchen, but there’s no sign of Tae anywhere.

After a while, you check the time and see that it was an hour until midnight; an hour till the start of the New Year. And you’re on the verge of going back home. The feeling of jet lag is starting to weigh you down as the adrenaline begins to drain away. The flight back home was long, and you couldn’t really sleep due to the anticipation of everything that awaited you here.

You are now walking down some hallway, the music of the party booming behind you. The sense of direction’s completely loss to you—you have no idea where you were. But just as you’re about to reach the end of the hall, someone comes up behind you.

They grab ahold of your body and drag you into an open room. You scream, kicking your attacker. You try to fight the person, but they’re no match for your puny self. On the verge of tears, you’re about the give up when the person finally speaks, “Y/n…”

You freeze. You would know that voice anywhere. “Tae?”

The attacker lets you go and you slowly turn around, shocked to see the face of your friend. But the shock soon fades into something strange when you take in his appearance—the boy actually looks nice. His hair is disheveled in that messy, but put together, way and his clothes sexily cling against him. You feel your mouth drop open, but you pick it up just as quickly as it falls.

Suddenly, you push him, and he stumbles, “What the hell?”

“Why do you always feel the need to sneak up on me? Asshole,” you cross your arms.

He cracks a smile, “You’re just fun to mess with.”

“It’s not fun for me, you jerk. I was seriously freaked out.”

Taehyung softens at your words, “I’m sorry; I just wanted to surprise you.”

And that’s when you remember why you’re even here at all. You suddenly feel awkward, not knowing where to look.

“Why…why didn’t you return any of my calls?” you ask him, staring at the floor. “I mean, I know you’re mad. But you couldn’t text me back?”

You sneak a look at him, and find that he’s staring intently at you.

“And like, I don’t even know why you’re mad at me. What did I do wrong? Was it because I went away? Or was it something I did? I just—”

Tae cuts you off with a kiss that causes you to nearly trip on your own feet. The kiss is intense and you feel him back you against the wall, encasing your body with his. You haven’t kissed him in nearly a month; you’ve forgotten how it feels like, how alive he makes you feel.

His hands begin traveling up your body, each touch igniting a fire inside of you. He stops when he reaches your face, his long fingers roughly cupping your cheeks. You bring your own hands to tangle in his hair and gently tug him closer to you. His starts to rub little circles on your cheeks, while simultaneously prodding your mouth further open. You oblige and feel his tongue massaging yours.

Suddenly, you let out a moan as Tae presses his body right onto yours. Despite the layers of clothing between the two of you, you can still feel the body heat coming off of him. At your moan, he freezes for a moment before kissing you back with much more force. He pulls the two of you away from the wall and you both fall onto a bed.

The dress you’re wearing begins to ride up, but you don’t care at all; you just want to be closer to him, needing to be closer to him. You pull away from his lips to breathe and he takes that opportunity to latch his lips onto your jaw, slowly moving down your neck. Another moan leaves your lips and you try to think, but your mind is complete mush right now.

All you can do is lay there as Tae begins to suck on your neck. Although you two had kissed multiple times before, things have never gone this far.

“Tae…” you say a bit breathlessly, his finger now pushing the straps of your dress down. He mutters something incoherent, mouth on the swells of your breast. “What are we doing?”

He stops, raising his head, “I’m worshiping your body, what else?”

You redden as his comment.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks, a brow raised. When you simply shake your head, his lips travel back to your chest.

Without even realizing it, you start to move your hips against his. A pleasurable pressure starts building up and you whimper at the feeling. Taehyung stop his assault on your skin, eyes now looking into yours. As he stares at you, his fingers play with the zipper on the side of your dress.

“This dress is awfully pretty on you,” he licks his lips. “But I think it’ll look prettier on the floor, don’t you think?”

And faster than you can even comprehend his words, the dress is unzipped from your body and you’re left half-naked in your underwear. Impulse kicks in and you try to cover your body at the sudden lack of coverage. But Tae takes your arms, pinning them above your head.

“So beautiful,” he muses, eyes darkening.

You writhe underneath him, not liking the fact that you’re nearly naked while he’s still completely clothed. When you tell him this fact, he releases your arms and begins to unbutton his shirt. You can’t help but stare at his golden skin and his broad shoulders. He reaches for the waistband of his pants, unbuttons it, and then tugs the fabric down his legs.

Tae smirks at your obvious staring and leans down to kiss you again. The rest of your clothing, or whatever was left, comes off and you’re both left completely exposed to each other. Now without all the clothes between you two, you can feel every ridge of his body and desire threatens to burst out of your body.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks you again, resting his forehead against yours.

You shake your head, “No.”

“Are you sure?” his eyes search your face. “Because if we start, I-I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.”

Grabbing his face between your hands, you kiss him, “I’m sure.”

You are long past the point of no return. The rational part of you is screaming that this is a terrible idea, that this is bound to ruin your friendship with Tae. But you can’t find it in yourself to really care. You want him, so badly you are about to burst.

Even though you assure Tae that you want this, he still hesitates above you. As he rolls a condom on, you lightly kiss his jaw and tell him that you’re okay. But although you say this, you feel your body tense as he nears your entrance. This is your first time after all, and you realize Taehyung is becoming a lot of your firsts. When he finally enters you, you scrunch up your face from the initial discomfort. “Ow.”

“Shit,” you hear Tae mutter, stopping halfway.

“It’s okay,” you bite your bottom lip. “Keep going.”

He pushes the rest of the way, “You’re so fucking tight.”

You still feel a sense of discomfort, especially since Tae’s large size fills you up to the brim. Despite this, you tell him to keep moving in hopes that maybe the awkwardness will fade into something better. And a few thrusts in, it does feel better—a lot better.

Tae’s pace is still rather slow, but the pleasure starts to build up and he drops his head into the crook of your shoulder. You moan for him to go faster but he doesn’t, probably due to the fear of hurting you.

So you tighten your legs around him, “Tae—harder, faster.”

Something in him snaps and his thrust become shorter, but quicker. The force causes your eyes to roll back and you cry out at how good it feels, “Fuck.”

He groans your name, one hand roughly digging into your hips. It all feels so good, and you’re surprised by how vocal you are—a moan always seems to be leaving your mouth. But you don’t care at all if anyone hears. You continue to moan as you feel your peak building. Sweat rolls down both of your backs, and you can feel Tae’s thrusts getting sloppy.

“Ohmygod,” you say in a single breath. “I’m gonna—”

And just as you’re about to say the words, waves of ecstasy crash down on you. You cry out Taehyung’s name, the feeling completely indescribable. He continues to ride out your high before reaching his own. After he releases, he falls on top of you and presses a gentle kiss on your neck. You both don’t say anything for a few moments, still trying to catch your breaths.

“Are you okay?” Tae is the first to speak. He mumbles this question into your neck.

You nod your head, “Yeah…are you?”

“I’m…good. Better than good, actually,” he raises his head, smiling. “You’re beautiful, y/n.”

You blush at his words, not knowing how to respond.

“But, you are quite loud though,” he says. “I’m sure the entire house heard us.”

He laughs and you push him away, forgetting that he’s still inside of you. You both moan from the loss of contact, feeling sort of empty now. Once he’s away from you, you remember just how naked you are and rush to pull the blankets over your body. But you wince a few times due to the soreness you feel.

“What are you doing?”

“Covering myself,” you say once the sheets are pulled all the way up to your chin.

“I just saw you completely naked though,” Tae laughs.

You raise a brow, “And?”

“And?” he repeats. “And you shouldn’t have to cover yourself.”

“Let me live, Tae.”

“Why’d you come back early?” his sudden question throws you off a bit.

You look at him, seeing genuine curiosity in his eyes, “I just wanted to see you.”

“Really?” he looks shocked.

“Yeah,” you feel embarrassed now. “I just…didn’t want to end the year on the bad note or start the year off with you hating me.”

His gaze softens, “I don’t hate you. I was just frustrated. You’re my best friend, and you leaving felt like you were betraying me.”

“Stupid,” you say.

“Okay, so maybe I was,” he rolls his eyes. “But speaking of the New Year…”

He searches for something amongst the clothing items scattered on the floor. You have to force yourself not to look at him as he bends down to put his clothes back on. As he looks for whatever he’s looking for, you search for your own clothes and do the same. Once he jumps back on the bed, his phone is in his hand. He presses the home button and smiles.

“It’s 11:59; make a wish!” he says and you quickly shut your eyes. But before you can even fully think of something, he crashes you into a hug, planting a chaste kiss on your forehead. “Happy New Year, y/n!”

You smile, “Happy New Year, Kim Taehyung.”

“Thanks for being the best. Forgive for being an ass and not calling back,” he says, still hugging you tightly. “Friends still?”

“The best of friends,” you’re still smiling, but it’s forced. You feel your face tremble, your hands shaking a bit as you cling onto him. A sudden, lone tears falls down your face.

Best friends. Just friends.

As you utter the words in your head, your heart sinks deeper and deeper.

***

As the years roll by, you’ve come to terms that the relationship you have with Tae has morphed into a friends with benefits ordeal. It’s that kind of situation because no one knows what you two are doing—no one but you and Tae. Everyone continued to believe that you both were just best friends, but behind closed doors you two were fucking. A lot.

At first, you were hesitant to accept that this was to be your reality. You didn’t want to be a friend that he fucked; you wanted to be more or nothing at all. But you couldn’t lose the boy; he was a part of your life and you needed him. And it just so happened to be via this relationship.

But that’s not the only thing.

Since you two weren’t exclusive, and no one knew, it meant you technically could date other people—which you guys did. Initially, you were green with envy. You didn’t like the idea that he was being intimate with other girls who weren’t you. But you realize it was foolish to think that since you were doing the same thing.

During senior year, you dated someone just because you felt obligated to. Also, Tae was in a relationship as well so you needed the distraction. You were intimate with the guy, but he wasn’t Tae. And you hated yourself for thinking that.

You also hated yourself even more for always caving into Kim Taehyung. No matter the situation, you could never say no to him. You ended up having to break up with that particular boyfriend of yours since you cheated on him one too many times.

When it was time to go to college, it was the only logical choice for you both to attend the same school. You needed Taehyung just as much as you needed air to breath. The application period was nerve-wracking because you were scared that you two wouldn’t get into the same schools. But by some miracle, you did.

College was honestly a blur. Because of your friendship with Tae, it was hard to stay in relationships with other guys. You tried to date other people but it never felt the same. No one else knew your body as well as Tae. He knew exactly what you liked, and exactly how to do it.

It was frustrating.

There were many times you wanted it to end, but Taehyung would just show up right back at your door and your selfish self let him right back in. It was a never-ending cycle. And in all honesty, it was a toxic relationship. No one should be so caught up with someone they weren’t dating, and yet here you two were—a terrible exception.

You were always terrified that people would find out about you and Tae’s secret, especially your parents. What would they even say? As much as they loved Tae, you were sure that they would be disappointed. They would be probably be most unhappy about the fact that you ruined so many potentially great relationships over a boy who didn’t even love you.

At least, not in the way you deserved to be loved.

“Do you love me?” you randomly asked one day.

Perhaps it was the sexual high that messed with your brain, but you’re not sure why you decided to ask him the big question. Tae was still breathing hard beside you, recovering from the sex you two just had.

“Of course,” he breathed out, “you’re my best friend.”

You heart sank a little, “So, like, that friend-love then?”

“Why are you even asking?” he turned to the side, facing you.

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “Just curious, I guess.”

But you did know. Despite it all being no-strings-attached, you started to feel a little too attached.

You weren’t sure when it occurred, but you suddenly started noticing the little things. Even though you had known Tae for years, you never realized how fond you were of everything he did. Of all the people in the world, you didn’t understand why it had to be him. He didn’t love you beyond a friend, and he probably would never feel anything more for you. So, why did you continue to let him fuck your brains out? You didn’t have an answer to that.

After college, you tried to stop seeing Tae all together, but the boy was so damn persistent. He just didn’t know how to leave your life. It was like he was torturing you; dangling you on a minuscule rope that hovered above an ocean. But despite the torture, every time you saw him, your heart grew more and more for him. It was a strange feeling honestly; being so incredibly fond of someone, but also wanting to be far away from them.

Every night, you wondered why life turned out to be this way for you—stuck in an unrequited, friends with benefits relationship. As you thought these things, you couldn’t help but realize how fucked up it all was.

A part of you wished that you had never decided to come home early that New Year’s Eve so long ago. If you hadn’t come home, you wouldn’t have called Yoon. If you hadn’t called her, you wouldn’t have gone to Jay’s stupid house party. If you hadn’t gone to that damn house party, you wouldn’t have let Tae fuck you for the first time. If that night would’ve never happened, you wouldn’t be here questioning everything.

But would that have really changed anything?

***

You down another shot glass.

A friend from work invited you out to her birthday party, and you figured it would be an intimate affair since she was rather quiet. She also told you to bring a plus-one, so you dragged Taehyung out too because you figured you needed someone to talk to. Instead of a small party, you found yourself in a club filled with many people. And you are now alone, your plus-one nowhere to be found.

The moment you two entered the club, Tae wandered from your side. Out of the two of you, he has always been the more social one; making friends everywhere he went. You managed to find the friend who invited you, but you didn’t get to talk long—like you had predicted earlier—and simply ended up at the bar.

“Did you want another one?”

You look at the bartender, eyes slightly narrowed, “What do you think?”

“I was just asking,” he says, wiping the inside of a glass. “I mean, you’ve had a few.”

You take the briefest moment to do a once over of the bartender, and you smile a little to yourself—he’s kind of cute. Even though you swear you only stare at him for a second, he catches you and pink tinges your cheeks.

“I wasn’t looking at you, I swear,” you say, looking anywhere but at him.

He just laughs, “It’s okay; it’s not every day a pretty girl stares at me with drool forming at the corner of her mouth.”

You widen your eyes, “I was not drooling!”

“Kidding,” he smiles, and you feel your heart warm just a bit. “What’s your name? I’ve never seen you here before.”

“Y/n, and I’m only here for a birthday…though it’s quite obvious I’m not really participating. What’s your name?”

“Hoseok,” he says, and you repeat it in your head a million times.

A smile forms on your lips, “Nice to meet you.”

As am easy conversation forms between you and Hoseok, you can’t help but laugh at everything he says. It feels nice to laugh, especially since it feels like you haven’t done so in a long time. In this moment, you feel kind of glad you decided to come out tonight.

“So, about that drink,” Hoseok asks, face close to yours.

“I’d love another—”

Before you can finish your sentence, you feel a sudden presence behind you.

“I believe she’s fine.”

You turn around, eyes meeting Tae’s. “What are you doing?”

Instead of saying anything, he just grabs your wrist and pulls you off your stool.

“Tae!”

With his free hand, he reaches inside his pocket and pulls out a few bills. He throws them on the counter, telling the Hoseok to keep the change. You struggle against his hold, not understanding why he’s doing this—you really wanted another drink and you wanted to talk to the cute bartender some more. And the last thing you wanted was to deal with Kim Taehyung.

He drags you both through the club, past masses of people. You’re not able to break free until he slips the two of you outside. As the door shuts behind you, a chill from the night hits you and you curse yourself for not bringing a jacket.

But even though you’re cold, a flash of anger heats you up momentarily, “What the hell, Taehyung?”

Rarely do you ever call him Taehyung to his face. At the sound of his full name being used, his mouth tightens and he looks at you. “I should be asking you that.”

“Oh my god,” you roll your eyes. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“Why were you flirting with the bartender?” he asks, eyes narrowing.

You cross your arms over your chest, “The bartender has a name, and it’s Hoseok.”

“So you guys are on a first name basis?”

“He asked for my name, and I was not flirting with him,” you say. “We were just talking.”

“Hmm…I guess we have different versions of talking then; I don’t recall talking including his face being two inches away from yours,” Tae practically yells, and you can’t believe this is actually happening.

“Like you’re one to talk! I saw you walk away from me when we got here to go talk to girls, you hypocrite.”

He scoffs, “I was not talking to girls.”

Just recently, there’s something off in your friendship; a loose screw. For some reason, you two are fighting a lot more; finding the dumbest things to pick out and argue about. Also, Tae has picked up a habit of being overprotective. It makes no sense why he suddenly feels the need to act in such a way.

“Seriously, you need to chill out,” you tell him, not understanding why he’s being so unreasonable.

“You should take your own advice.”

“Maybe I will,” you sigh, turning around and walking away from him.

You only make it a few steps before an arm pulls you back, “Where are you going?”

“Didn’t you say for me to take my own advice? Well, I am; which means I’m leaving,” you say before pushing him away and walking again.

“Y/n,” he says your name, but you don’t care to stop. “Y/n.”

You throw up a middle finger, still walking down the street.

“Fuck. Stop it, you idiot. Let me just drive you home.”

“No,” is your immediate response, but you doubt that he can hear you. All you really want to do right now is take off all the damn makeup you are wearing and sleep.

“Y/n,” Tae repeats, “I’m sorry. Please stop. You’re angry at me, I know, but let me just drive you. I’d hate for you to walk home. It’s dangerous and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Stopping halfway down the street, you look over your shoulder. Even under the dim lighting of the streetlights, you can see the sincerity in his eyes. You walk back to him, nod, and then walk to his car. The whole ride to your apartment, you two don’t speak. Instead, soft music from the radio fills the silence. Aside from not talking to him, you also angle your body away from him; you choose to look out the window, watching the night come alive.

When he stops in front of your building, you quickly unbuckle yourself and get out of the car. You practically run to your door, not wanting to let Tae say a single thing to you. And, thankfully, he doesn’t. As you lock your front door behind you, you look out through the little peephole and see that he hasn’t left yet. Shockingly, it takes him a few minutes to leave; when he does finally drive off, you sink to your knees.

***

The next evening, someone knocks at your door.

At first, you’re hesitant to open the door since you didn’t plan on anyone coming over. When you check to see who it is, your eyes widen. Unlocking the door, you shift awkwardly on your feet, “Tae? What are you doing?”

In front of you, he stands with a bag of takeout, your favorite, and a bottle of wine.

“I brought food,” he says, pushing past you to walk inside. He leaves you standing at the door confused.

“Why?” you follow him into your small kitchen, crossing your arms over your chest.

Tae looks at you and raises a brow, “I can’t come over and bring food?”

You don’t respond because he knows why you’re questioning him. You are still mad at him for what happened last night at the club. He had no right to act the way he did.

“I’m hurt,” he feigns sadness, clutching his chest. “I thought we were best friends?”

“We are,” you say, and he smiles. “But you were an asshole yesterday.”

The smile on his face falls, “I know, and that’s why I brought your favorite takeout.”

“You’re trying to apologize through takeout?”

“Is it working?”

You roll your eyes; you can never win. Although you want to be mad at him, you know that you can never be. “Maybe.”

A smile graces his face again, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Great; that’s better than no.”

He grabs your hand and walks you both into the living room. Taking the boxes out of the paper bag, he hands you your favorite dish and digs into his own. As you two settle on the couch, with the TV play some random movie, you can’t help but stare at him.

After you slipped into bed last night, you stayed up and thought a lot about your relationship with Taehyung. You spent many nights thinking about him, but last night you finally decided on something: you are going to end the friends with benefits relationship with him. This decision came to you because you realized that you both aren’t happy.

You loved Tae beyond the lines of a best friend.

There; you finally admitted it.

As much as you wanted to make him happy, to him you are just the best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe that’s why you enjoyed Hoseok’s company so much last night—he actually gave you the attention you so desperately wanted from Tae. After all these years, you figured it’s time that he receives the happiness he deserves. You deserve happiness too, even if it means letting him go.

“What?” he suddenly asks, not looking away from the TV screen.

“Nothing,” you say, shoving some food in your mouth. Despite thinking these thoughts, you aren’t sure how to break the news to him.

After the random takeout night, everything returns to how it always used to be—the same cycle of a toxic, friends with benefits relationship. Each time you climbed into Taehyung’s bed or he yours, you swore it would be the last time. Hell, you even slipped it out once that it was going to be the last time, but he just laughed and carried on.

A few weeks go by, and you find yourself at Tae’s house once again. He invited you over to watch a movie, but you two are doing everything but that.

He’s pressed against you, peppering kisses along your jaw and down your neck. After so many years of being intimate together, Tae knows your body like the back of his hand. You moan as he slides a hand underneath your shirt to touch one of your sensitive breasts. His other hand begins to travel to the button of your jeans. Your body screams in anticipation, but he suddenly stops.

“Bed. Now,” he says, and then picks you up.

Tae carries you across his apartment to his bedroom, and sets you at the foot of his bed. You take a second to glance around the room you’ve come to memorize so well.

“This is the last time, okay?” your words are sincere tonight; after this, it’s officially over.

But Taehyung doesn’t even glance at your face as he discards your shirt on the floor. The next thing to come off are your jeans, and you’re left in only your underwear. This scene is all too familiar.

“Why am I always the first to get naked?” you ask.

He smirks, taking his shirt and pants off. “Better?”

“Much,” you say with a pang in your heart as you stare at the beautiful human being in front of you. In this moment, you see just how grown up Taehyung has gotten. He isn’t the lanky boy you met all those years ago anymore. Now, as your eyes travel over the golden skin that stretches over his toned body, he’s a man.

Tae proceeds to rip your underwear off and you slide his boxers off. He immediately pushes you back on the bed, hands spreading your legs apart. His lips attach to your inner thighs, leaving teasing kisses everywhere. You moan, begging him for more. So, he brings a finger to your entrance, smirking again.

“So wet already,” he muses just before replacing his finger with his mouth.

As he begins to lick you, you weave your fingers into his hair. “Yes, Tae. Oh my god.”

He looks up at you from where he’s positioned between your legs, and you nearly orgasm on the spot. The smolder in his gaze lights up your entire body. As he continues to use tongue, which you’re sure is magical, his eyes never move away from yours and you swear that you’ve never seen anything sexier in your life.

He applies more pressure and you pull his hair tighter, feeling yourself getting close. You moan and arch your back, hands fisting the sheets around you. Just as you’re about to see the stars, Tae suddenly pulls his mouth away. Immediately you whimper, not liking the loss of touch. You start to complain, but don’t get very far before he suddenly shoves two fingers inside of you. The fullness causes you to reach your peak, and you cry out his name.

“That’s it, you dirty girl,” he still pumps his fingers inside of you, helping you ride out your high. “So sexy.”

It all just feels so good, and you nearly question your decision. You lift your head up once you’ve recovered and manage a small smile, “My turn.”

Taehyung’s eyes widen for a moment and you take the chance to pull him onto the bed, flipping positions so you’re on top. One of your hands reaches for his cock, moaning a bit when you realize how hard he is already. You stoke his member a few times before bending down to take him into your mouth. In all honesty, you are never one to really give blowjobs. It’s not that you hate giving them, it just never fits the flow; Tae almost always goes down on you and then fucks you—he never really gives you many chances to return the favor.

But from the expression on his face, you know he absolutely loves it.

“Shit,” he groans as you take him deeper into your mouth.

His cock hits the back of your throat and you gag a bit, feeling tears forming in your eyes. Even though giving blowjobs is rather uncomfortable sometimes, it’s worth seeing the reaction from Tae. His breaths are getting heavier; he’s getting close. This fact prompts you to suck harder, paying more attention to his sensitive head.

“Y/n—fucking shit—stop.”

Your eyes meet his from underneath your lashes. Letting go of his cock with a pop sound, you ask, “Is there something wrong?”

Tae has never stopped you from finishing a blowjob before.

He runs a hand over his face, “It feels so fucking good.”

“Why’d you want me to stop then?”

He leans up and captures your lips in a kiss. You kiss him back hard, pushing everything into the kiss. He breaks away first, resting his forehead against yours. “I want to cum inside you.”

And before you can comprehend his words, he flips you over onto your stomach and lifts your ass up. Without much warning, he slams inside you. This is done without much effort because you’re still wet from earlier. You both moan at the feeling of being connected like this; he has always filled you up so well.

Tae grips onto your hips as he moves fast, thrusting into you relentlessly. All you can do is sink your head into the bedsheets and take the pleasure. You’ve always loved this position since Tae goes so much deeper, hitting all the right spots. The same pleasure from earlier starts to build up inside of you again, and you tell him to go harder. And he does, leaning over you so he doesn’t move out much and ends up going even deeper than before.

You moan into the sheets, the pleasure becoming almost unbearable. Tae begins to suck onto the skin of your shoulders, no doubt leaving hickeys. This act just adds to the pleasure and you feel like you’re about to burst. Suddenly, Taehyung flips you over onto your back and crashes his lips on you.

As he kisses you, his hips move faster and you feel so so close.

“Cum for me, baby,” Tae whispers into your ears, fingers finding your sensitive clit, and that does the trick.

Your orgasm hits you like a freight truck, tightening your walls around Tae. Within seconds, he reaches his climax too, releasing himself into you. After this, he falls on top of you. But unlike other times, he doesn’t stay in the position long and rolls over. His chest rapidly rises up and down, sweating covering his entire body. You try to catch your own breath, feeling your heart beating erratically.

He turns his head to look at you and smiles, “Fucking perfect as always, y/n.”

Placing a quick kiss on your forehead, he gets up to grab a rag to clean the both of you. Once you clean the creampie off of you, he hands you a t-shirt and pulls his own boxers on. He whispers goodnight and falls asleep immediately. You take in his sleeping form—long eye lashes, soft lips; he looks like an angel. You can’t help but bring a hand to his face, trailing your fingers along his skin.

After a few moments, you roll over; feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. You shut your eyes tightly, tears flowing down your face. A silent sob racks its way through your body because this was the last time. You were serious when you said those words to him before. Being in this toxic relationship isn’t an option anymore—you can’t deal with being the girl he simply used for sex.

You craved intimacy beyond that.

You wanted something deep, all consuming. Was that so bad?

While Tae slept peacefully beside you, you couldn’t relax at all. The thought of you leaving him haunted you. Before anything, he’s your best friend; you don’t want to lose him. At the same time, though, you know that you can’t keep him in your life. You want so much more, and he can’t give you that. So in your mind, it’s better just to break yourself away entirely.

Before the sun rises, you quietly get out of Taehyung’s bed and grab your clothes. You decide to keep his shirt, wanting to be selfish one last time. When you have all your things, you finally look at his sleeping form. Your heart hangs heavy in your chest; it hurt like hell now, but you would be grateful later…right?

Slipping out of his apartment, you drive home feeling like a total mess. Once you make it to your place, you immediately crawl into bed and cry yourself to sleep.

***

It’s one of those nights again.

The world is asleep, yet you are still wide awake—heart aching, mind running a thousand miles an hour. No matter what you try, sleep does not come. It’s like life is torturing you.

Since you left Taehyung’s house that one morning, you haven’t been able to sleep well. Every time you thought you finally were going to drift into dreamland for the night, his face would creep right into your mind. His expressive eyes, the gentle slope of his nose, the curve of his boxy grin—it was all ingrained in your mind. And you hated it. You also hated how you could still feel his burning touch on your skin; the way his large hands caressed your body.

Not only couldn’t you sleep well, but Tae calls you every day. He blows up your phone, leaving a voicemail every single time.

Y/n, pick up the phone.

Call me back soon, okay?

Is everything okay? Are you okay??

What did I do wrong? Call me back.

I know you’re listening to these messages since your voice mailbox isn’t full…call me soon.

…please pick up, y/n. Please.

As you listen to each message, your heart breaks a little more. You’re at a point now that you feel like you don’t even have a heart since you just feel so broken. The longingness in your chest is about to burst, but you aren’t going to give in. You aren’t going to pick up the phone and give him the satisfaction of knowing that you desperately cannot live without him.

You can be strong for once. You can exist without Kim Taehyung.

Even though you don’t pick up or return any of his calls, that doesn’t stop him. It has already been almost a month since you last saw him, but he continues to call and call and call. He’s relentless and a part of you feels absolutely terrible.

In the second month, the calls are less frequent but still very present in your life. Tae still calls practically every day, leaving you those damn voicemails that break your soul. And as much as it hurts, you still listen to every voicemail. You don’t know why though because you still feel as shitty as ever.

By the third month, Tae only calls once, maybe twice, a week. You still give him props for being so driven. If it had been you in his position, you would’ve give up a long time ago. He leaves the occasional voicemail too, but you know better to not listen anymore.

Miraculously, you’ve managed to avoid seeing him all this time. You don’t really know how though, since you both live in the same city. But he hasn’t come to see you yet, which is surprising. This behavior was very un-Tae-like, but you’re thankful; if he was to show up at your door, you don’t know what you would do.

Without Taehyung present in your life, you didn’t know what to do with yourself at first. A person who was so essential to your being wasn’t there anymore. But after the days, weeks, and eventual months went by, you learn to just deal. Your co-workers were concerned at first—they didn’t know why you had suddenly changed. They questioned you a lot that first month and attempted to change your mood; it, however, died quickly when they realized you weren’t going to change.

But have you changed a lot?

You aren’t too sure.

The days continue to pass you by, and life is starting to get rather dull. It’s the same routine of waking up, going to work, and then coming home. Although it’s boring and less than interesting, you stick to it because it’s the right thing. And before you know it, six whole months go by and it’s almost the end of the year.

Life’s still boring, but you think about Taehyung a lot less now. He stopped calling after the fourth month and no longer consumed your every thought. You can breathe a little bit better now, but there are still some nights you laid awake wondering how he was doing. Knowing him, he’s probably doing great; Tae’s always able to adapt easily to situations.

With the end of the year approaching, you find yourself not to terribly excited about the holidays; after all, you’re going to spend them alone. Or so you thought.

“Hello?” It wasn’t Tae on the phone, but someone else who you haven’t spoken to in years.

“Hey, y/n.”

“Umm…hi?”

“You said your greetings already,” the person on the other line says, humor laced in their voice.

“Whatever,” you roll your eyes, “what do you want?”

They mock gasp, “Is that really the way to speak to someone you haven’t spoken to since high school?”

“I don’t know, Yoon; maybe because we haven’t talked since high school?”

“Goodness, no need to sound so sarcastic,” she says. “I was just saying.”

You have no idea why she’s suddenly calling after all these years. After high school, you haven’t kept up with anyone you used to talk to—besides Tae, of course. You’re surprised she still has your number.

“Like I said before, what do you want?” you ask, confused.

“Can’t I just randomly call you?”

“No,” is your immediate response.

“Look, y/n, I know we haven’t talked since high school, but we used to be really good friends,” Yoon says, “so I just wanted to call and invite you to a New Year’s Eve party I’m hosting at my boyfriend’s place.”

“A New Year’s Eve party?” This feels all too familiar.

“Yeah—it’ll be fun, so please come!”

You scrunch your brows, “Is it your same boyfriend from high school?”

“Oh god no,” she laughs. “I’m dating Jay now.”

In that moment, your mouth drops, “What?! As in, Jay from high school? As in, the Jay who hosted the best parties?”

“Yes, that Jay. We’ve been dating for a few years now,” Yoon explains.

“That’s so crazy,” you say. “Who would’ve guessed; but I’m glad you ended things with that boyfriend of yours from high school—he was a douchebag.”

Yoon laughs again, “You don’t even have to tell me; I don’t know what I saw in him.”

“Seriously,” you smile. “Especially that one time—”

“—he got so drunk the night before graduation, he received his diploma hungover and confessed he had a thing for a teacher,” she finishes for you and you both laugh so hard. You can’t remember the last time you laughed so much.

“Oh my god, that was ridiculous,” you say, recalling the memory.

“It’s really funny now, but I still cringe thinking about it sometimes.”

If you were her, you would cringe too, “Jay is totally a step up from that mess.”

“So you’ll come to the party?” she asks.

You shrug even though she can’t see you, “I guess so.”

“Great,” you can feel her smile.

“I mean, it’s not like I have anything better to do,” you tell her, and it was the truth—you really don’t have anything else planned. There’s no way in hell you’re going home to your parents for the holidays; without a doubt they’d ask about Taehyung and you aren’t exactly ready to tell them yet. Also, you’d probably run into his mom and that would be bad.

“I promise you won’t regret it.”

***

On Christmas day, you call your parents. They bombard you with the typical you should call more and come visit. You manage to avoid questions that are too personal and promise that you’ll visit…soon.

As you call the other important people in your life, including Yoon, your hands itch to call Tae. It was your first Christmas, since that trip to visit your aunt all those years ago, without him and it honestly feels weird. When you woke up this morning, your mind immediately flashed back to Christmases past where you always woke up beside him. The yearning you haven’t felt in a while starts to return, but you don’t press his number that you’ve never bothered to delete.

The days following Christmas are a blur as you wait for the 31st to arrive. Admittingly, you’re actually kind of excited for the party; it’s going to be your first social outing in a while. Yoon called and told you it was going to a dressy event, meaning nicer clothes, so you spent hours trying to find the perfect outfit. You don’t even know why you were freaking out about clothes, but you wanted to look nice.

You end up finding a burgundy dress with an exposed back that makes you feel really good, and you feel happy for the first time in forever.

When New Year’s Eve finally rolls around, you slip into your slightly scandalous dress ready to take on the world. Yoon sends you the address of the place and you drive for about thirty minutes before arriving at a mansion.

Of course, you think to yourself as you pull into the circle driveway. This dude would live in a mansion even as an adult.

At the steps of the mansion, a man stands there and you look at him puzzled. “Yes?”

“Hello, miss, we can take your car and park it for you,” he says and you realize this must be a really fancy event.

“Oh, okay,” you say and get out of the car.

“Just let Mr. Jay or one of our staff know when you’re ready to leave,” he tells you before zooming away in your car.

You turn around a few times in the driveway, not knowing what to make of the situation, before making your way up the steps of the lavish house. When you reach the door, you don’t even have to reach for the handle—it opens before you can.

“Y/n?” someone calls your name.

You smile, “Yoon.”

Your old childhood friend stands in front of you in a gold fitted dress, looking even better now than she did in high school.

“Oh my god—you’re so hot now what the fuck,” she practically screeches before tackling you in a hug. You can’t help but laugh at her action, before hugging her back. “How is this even possible?”

You pull away, “Look who’s talking.”

She rolls her eyes, “Compared to you, I’m a potato.”

“I mean, you managed to snag Jay so I highly doubt that,” you say to her, an eyebrow raised. “By the way, this place is huge.”

“Oh, I know. I told Jay it was too big but he said it was perfect,” Yoon shrugs.

You look around, taking in the elaborate décor and high ceilings. It was all beautiful, but a little too much room for your personal taste. “I mean, I guess it makes a good place to host parties?”

“That’s the plan now.”

As you continue to take in all the glorious details, you realize something, “Where is everyone?”

You look at Yoon, wondering if you were somehow early but that couldn’t be because you were on time…or at least, you thought you were. But your friend looks at your confused expression and smiles.

“It’s a big place, remember? The party is on the other side of the mansion,” she explains and in that moment, you can hear music emitting from somewhere far.

Yoon grabs your arms and you two make your way across the mansion. The deeper Yoon pulls you into the house, the louder the music gets. As the bass starts to shake the floor, you start seeing more people. Actually, you start seeing a lot of people.

“Oh shit,” you say to yourself, surprised by the sheer amount of bodies.

“I know,” your friend yells in front of you and you’re surprised that she heard you. “This is technically my party, but it seems like Jay ended up inviting the whole city.”

Although there are many people present, it’s not like a party you would’ve attended back in high school. No one is dancing provocatively or getting wasted—everyone is just doing their own thing. Yoon walks you into a room with high ceilings, a glittering chandelier right in the center. The extravagant sight parts your mouth in awe; exactly how rich is Jay?

“Well, this is the party,” Yoon says after you close your mouth again. “Before you leave, come find me okay?”

You nod a couples times before you register her words, “Wait, what?”

“I have to go find Jay,” she shrugs.

“And you’re just going to leave me?”

Yoon smiles, “You’ll be fine.”

“What was the point of inviting me if you’re not going to bother to entertain me?” you might’ve appeared rather sarcastic, but you’re internally freaking out. You don’t want Yoon to leave you; what are you supposed to do? This party’s not your forte and you don’t know anybody else but her.

“I’m sure you will find someone else to entertain you,” she says, already walking away from you. What was that supposed to mean?

And with that, your only friend at the party abandons you. Suddenly, you find yourself feeling out of place in the sea of people. You quickly walk away from the center of the room and don’t stop until you find a bar. You pour yourself a drink, half-leaning against the wall. As you glance around the room, you feel slightly envious of everyone. They all seem like they’re having a great time…and you’re not feeling that same excitement anymore. You are so immersed in your thoughts, you don’t even notice the figure behind you. And you definitely do not expect to feel a hand on you.

Out of instinct, you jab your arm into them; but they stop you, grabbing a hold of your hand. You turn around, ready to give them a piece of mind. But when you realize who is behind you, the world seems to stop.

“Wha—” your mouth falls open, not able to form proper words. “T-Tae?”

The last person you expected to see is inches away from you, and you can’t even think.

Your mind is completely blank, devoid of any thoughts as you search his features. Not much has changed about him—same curved lips, nose perfectly sculpted by God himself. If anything, he just looks tired. Tears threaten to spill when your eyes finally meet his; in his gaze, you see all the emotions you’ve felt these past six months. Confusion, pain, anger, numbness—you see it all and it kills you inside.

In your rationality, you thought he would be okay; you thought that he didn’t need you. Now, you see that he’s hurt, and you’re the cause of it all. Fear spikes your system. You need to get away from him before you cause any more damage. But as you try to back away, you realize that his grip on you is tight.

Without saying a word, he forcefully pulls you forward and drags you through the crowd of people. Thankfully, no one really pays you two attention as Tae maneuvers the both of you away from the center of the party. You have no idea where he’s taking you, but you don’t try to resist because there would be no point. Tae turns into a hallway and opens a random door, shoving you inside. He locks the door behind him, and finally turns to face you. You can’t even look at him, feeling shameful that you’re actually in his presence again.

Silence fills the room before he talks, “Why?”

You stare at the floor, not knowing what to say.

“Why?” he suddenly grabs both of your shoulders, shaking you. “Why did you leave me?”

You let him shake you, feeling deserving of the action; you deserved all the bad in the world for what you did.

“Did you not know how much of a mess I was, huh? I thought you were just mad at me; ignoring me for a couple days. But when you never called back, I didn’t know to do. Fuck,” he lets you go to rake a hand through his hair. “I was so angry. How could you do that to me? You ruined me, y/n. Why are you so heartless?”

By now, tears are pouring down your face; but you’re angry too. He was angry with you? He was a mess? “You think you’re the only one who was hurting?”

“Well, I wasn’t the one who completely cut you from my life.”

More tears spill from your eyes. He doesn’t get it. “You’re an asshole, Kim Taehyung.”

While he was angry that you didn’t return any of his damn phone calls in six months, you were disappointed that after all these years he still couldn’t see your true feelings. You might’ve not seem him in a while, but the same feelings from six months ago were starting to creep back and you didn’t like it. You have almost forgotten how much your soul longed for him.

“I’m an asshole?” he asks incredulously.

You don’t say anything; instead, you turn back around and start to walk towards the door. Before you can get far though, Tae pulls you back.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Away from you.”

“I haven’t seen you in six months and you want to leave already? Is that what you do best? Run away?” he asks.

His words are like a dagger to your heart. “Don’t ever talk to me again.”

“Why are you doing this, y/n? What the hell did I do?” he’s yelling at this point and the tears rush endlessly down your face. And before you can even help it, the words tumble right out of your mouth.

“You made me fall in love with you.”

The rooms falls silent and in that moment, you swear that you can hear Taehyung’s own heart beating. You can’t even look at him, feeling too embarrassed at your sudden confession. It’s the first time you’ve ever said the truth out loud; and even though you feel strangely liberated, a lingering feeling of rejection still harbors over you.

When the silence continues to swallow you up, you slowly start to regret ever saying anything.

“You know what? Forget I ever said anything,” you quickly say in attempts to clear the air. “I don’t even know why—”

“You’re in love with me?”

His words cause you to raise your head up and meet his eyes. There’s an emotion swirling in them that you can’t decipher. Since there’s no turning back now, you nod your head once and silent wait for his response. A few seconds pass before a smile morphs onto his face. The smile surprises you because you don’t get the gesture; why was he smiling?

“You’re in love with me?” he repeats his question, and you scrunch your brows as you nod your head again. “No, no—say it out loud.”

You blink a couple times, “Umm…I love you?”

“C’mon, say it more reassuringly.”

“I love you, Kim Taehyung,” you say with honesty because you do love him, you really do. The smile that graced his face a few seconds earlier is now a goofy grin that stretches from ear to ear. It’s a smile that scares you a bit because you still don’t understand the reason behind it.

“You,” he points in your direction before gesturing to himself, “love me.”

By this point, a string of laughter leaves you since he keeps repeating the same three words. “Yes I love you; why is that so unbelievable?”

“It’s not unbelievable,” he smirks and it is all so very Kim Taehyung. “But why did it take you so long to tell me? I mean, we’ve been friends forever.”

You slump against the wall, “And that is precisely the reason why. I-I didn’t want to ruin what we had already. You’re my best friend Tae, and I didn’t want to lose that. It also didn’t help that we were having sex together; I think that just made me fall harder, honestly.”

“I thought you wanted to keep it all no-strings-attached?”

“I did,” you sigh, “but it just all got so complicated.”

“Well, if it helps,” Tae starts, placing a hand along your cheek, “I’m in love with you too.”

He says it all so nonchalant that you barely catch the in love part. “You what?”

Tae looks down at you, now cupping both your cheeks, “I love you, y/n.”

“Are you just saying that because I confessed?” You’re in denial that Tae could be in love with you too because how can that even be? You were positive that he never saw you as more than a friend.

“Of course not; I think I’ve been in love with you since high school,” he admits, cheeks tinging a shade of red. “You were the cute girl in English class that all the boys liked, and I was just lucky to have gotten paired up with you on that project. When we became friends, it felt like a dream—I felt like I won the lottery. And because we were friends, I decided to suppress my feelings because you were important to me. But that winter break back in eleventh grade ruined me though. I have never regretted and cherished a night so much in my life.

“I figured I could live with simply being a friend who you fucked because I thought it was what you wanted. Now, however, I can see that we’ve been on the same boat all this time.”

When you hear his confession, you feel like so much heartbreak could’ve been prevented. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

He shrugs, “The fear of rejection, I guess. Being friends with benefits was comfortable and I was fine with it, until you completely walked out of my life.”

“I’m sorry,” you tell him. “I thought that was best. I thought you could live without me.”

“I could never live without you,” Tae’s eyes widen. “I was a mess without you these last six months. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for Jay and Yoon.”

That’s when everything clicked, “You know Jay and Yoon?”

Tae smiles sheepishly, “Jay was a guy I used to hang with before I met you—our parents are friends. We haven’t talked in years and probably wouldn’t have if I hadn’t decided to go home to visit my parents.”

“You did what?” this news shocks you. “They didn’t…they didn’t ask about me, did they?”

“Don’t worry, I just lied and said you were busy,” he says and you can breathe again. “But anyway, when I went home Jay happened to be in town too and when we went out for drinks, everything just spilled out of me. He then told me that his girlfriend used to be one of your close friends and I begged her to get in touch with you. And, since you’re here…I guess she did.”

Wow. This is all so unexpected. “So, you all basically devised this party just so you could see me?”

Tae just nods and you roll your eyes before shoving him away from you. Taehyung looks at you like you’re crazy. “What the hell, y/n?”

“Why can’t you ever just grab my attention like a normal person?” you ask him, and a smile returns on his face. “Why do you always sneak up on me?”

“You’ve always be fun to mess with.”

As Tae smiles at you, you decide to be spontaneous. You take that chance to fling yourself into his arms, wrapping your own around him. Tae reciprocates the hug and lets his head fall into the crook of your shoulder. “I really am sorry and I really, really do love you.”

Even though you can’t see his face, you can feel him smiling into your shoulder. “I know and I love you more.”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” you tell him, smiling.

He raises his head, “I’ve loved you longer, idiot.”

“So? Time doesn’t determine the strength of someone’s love.”

“Yes, it does, because I loved you first.”

“No, it doesn’t because I loved you so much I was willing to let you be happy.”

“I love you more,” he says.

“No, I do.”

“I do.”

“Tae, I love you more—” before you can continue to express how much more you love him, he shuts you up with a kiss. You haven’t kissed him in so long, you can feel your head spinning. As his lips move against yours, you feel desires that you thought died start to come alive again. You mold yourself closer to him, needing to feel him against you.

You pull away from him and he moves down your neck, “Since you claim you love me more, you should show me just how much…”

He raises his lips of your skin immediately, “Oh yeah?”

Smiling, you nod and laugh when he picks you up. He walks you two to the bed in the room and throws you on it before climbing on top as well.

“I feel kind of bad for always using people’s bedrooms,” you say as he starts to unzip your dress.

“I guess it’s just our thing,” Taehyung smiles at you before leaning in for another kiss.

Our thing. You repeat the word in your head, and you swear you’ve never been happier.

#armiesnet #btsbookclub #bangtan bookclub #bts fic #bts smut #taehyung fic #taehyung smut #bts #bangtan #v #smut #angst #kpop fic #it's complicated #xbaepsae

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snowflake-of-destruction · 3 years

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let's hear about FFVIII seifer, if you're still doing this XD

Why I like them: You know my tastes. A green-eyed man is introduced throwing fireballs around, is kind of a condescending jerk but in a fun way, instigates deep conversations on high ground while staring at the sunset...Well, before we even get to villainy, immolation, and redemption arc, I start going “Is this a favorite character?” I’m joking...kind of. Some of that does factor in, even the fire.

Okay, so my favorite thing about Seifer’s arc is that, in the limited focus he’s given, he’s complex and layered from the beginning, and his villain arc is a clear and fascinating illustration of “No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks” ….with a side of brainwashing.

Let’s break this down:

What are some of the words used to describe him by those that know him (by himself, by Squall, by Fuu and Rai)? Romantic. Idealistic. Sensitive. He is the one who believes in making a difference in the world--not just as a wish or goal, but as an imperative to do what your heart says is right even if it’s going to cost you--where Squall is just follow-the-orders-and-do-the-job. If you’re already reading this and objecting, I’m not saying Squall doesn’t care...obviously he does, defrosting Mr. Go Talk to a Wall and getting him to a place where he admits how many layers of mask he wears is his character development...but Seifer isn’t just a hothead. He wears his heart on his sleeve.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to deny that Seifer can be an abrasive, self-serving, hypocritical jackass sometimes, who can fight dirty, wants to “wreak some havoc,” and has a history as a bully--though, gentlefolk of the jury, I submit to the courts that he puts on a tough act like Squall does and they are both different flavors of trying to mimic toxic alpha male--but let’s not forget that some of his establishing character moments are throwing out his future to disobey orders because he sees that the higher-ups have possibly misjudged the situation and civilians could be in danger, and, again, going AWOL because he thinks Squall and Rinoa could be killed. And he calls himself the white knight and holds up a code of honor until the end, even though it gets twisted. He is about duty and honor, with honor even over duty.

Oh, this was only going to be the beginning. I haven’t even begun to touch on what I would want to touch on--this is just surface personality and the beginning of the game before we even get to joining Sorceress Edea, and even then not all I would say-- but this post isn’t actually supposed to be my Ted talk on what you missed if you just think of Seifer as a recurring boss fight. Let’s move on.

ONE MORE THING ACTUALLY. Even though we see a lot of Seifer at his worst, you can use Fujin and Raijin as a mirror. What do they say near the end of the game if we paraphrase/summarize? They knew pretty early on, before even the senseless slaughter and torture era that Seifer was going down a dark path with the sorceress, but they knew it wasn’t him and stayed with him, not because they agreed with his actions, wanted power, or out of fear, but to take care of him and try to break through to him--and not because they are saints, but because he, despite what had happened in the past year, is the type of person who deserves and inspires that kind of loyalty. Let’s think on that.

Now the rest goes under a read more, because I am going to keep rambling and be wordy

Why I don’t: He can be an asshole, and he’s an asshole in an embarrassing way. As in, if one is trying to say he’s not the little punk his KH counterpart is, you remember he still uses the insult chickenwuss (though that is a legacy insult/nickname since he’s known Zell since childhood--and, fyi, Squall uses it too) and he had a little gang in school. Even once he’s a military commander of an evil army set on world domination, he has some moments where his level of petty undermines him.

Favorite episode (scene if movie): The Dollet mission

Favorite line: Sorry, not sorry that the following is my favorite exchange of lines and that the prison torture scene is another of my favorite scenes. For context, Seifer has captured Squall, has him hanging up on the wall in crucified hero imagery, implied to be shirtless even though his character model isn’t because they talk about scar tissue or lack thereof from a recent shoulder injury/Squall being stabbed in the chest/shoulder area. Seifer has been electrocuting Squall for information. By this point, I might as well have put the whole scene here. Also, I am now going to blame Squall and Seifer text boxes in FFVIII for my own abuses of ellipses...

Seifer: " I was hoping you'd be there, Squall. So... how'd I look in my moment of triumph? My childhood dream, fulfilled. I've become the sorceress' knight."

Squall: [internal monologue] ...Sorceress' knight... ...His...romantic dream...? But... Seifer... Now, you're just a…[Out loud] "... torturer."

[Squall passes out.]

Seifer: "What did you say? [Steps closer] Passed out cold, eh? This is the scene where you swear your undying hatred for me! The tale of the evil mercenary versus the sorceress' knight!”

This isn’t just me all “mmm, tension.” Seifer has passed the moral event horizon, and it’s not just faceless NPCs that are collateral damage anymore. We’ve seen him on screen torture the protagonist, who is also one of the only people who he’s shown to have a real bond with that goes beyond superficial. Then we get this and see Seifer thinks he’s the good guy still, on a noble mission where he’s had to make painful sacrifices, and Squall is a representative of the power-hungry evil. Seifer’s been playing a different game, and had his will twisted via magic.

Favorite outfit: The Amano art where the white coat is cast off and he’s wearing the simple black shirt and black jeans under it. Symbolic? Maybe. I wouldn’t give up the coat though. I love the long white/gray coat, the outer embodiment of wanting to wear the white hat, but the desire easily getting tarnished, and the red cross that turns into a sword and becomes Seifer’s symbol and soon to appear other places, emblazoned nice and big on the sleeve. It’s the Cross of Saint James. TRADITIONALLY red represents the blood of Christ, the three lilies represent the honor of the apostle and reference Christ as lily of the valley, and the sword shape represents the torture that St.James suffered before his murder. HOWEVER, my opinion is that here it’s more vague/altered symbolism (For starters, there are other gods not the Christian God in this world) with a side of “looks cool.” We still have something that clearly calls to mind a mission from on high, innocence in the lilies, blood and blood cost, and then war/violence with the sword. And I love it.

OTP: Seifer/Squall. I should not even start, but lest you think I am just in it for kinky torture scenes: We have these two who, in the beginning, are generally callous or mocking toward everyone, but make each other laugh/smile, see who each other are underneath and describe each other in “soft” terms even if they tease each other for it, repeatedly check in on each other to see if the other is okay, respect each other’s opinion and skills, and...you get the idea. In the words of Zell Dincht, I thought you two were rivals, but you’re all buddy-buddy.

Pause for a second and let’s just say first impression. That opening fight where they scar each other’s faces? It takes place outside Balamb Garden and the area is shown so we see they are alone. Squall passes out. Squall wakes up in the infirmary within the Garden base. Squall has to explain what happened; people don’t already know. This kind of implies after Squall passed out, Seifer, bleeding from a head wound himself, picked Squall up and carried him home, allowing himself to collapse only when Squall was being safely tended to, because he’s that extra. This is his first (okay, second, after fireballs and face slashing) action in the game even though it’s offscreen. I mean, he could have also just called for help/ran for help, but that’s less fun.

Seifer is so concerned with being a badass, but he’s admits to Squall all he’s ever wanted was to be the fairytale knight, not a mere soldier. Vulnerability and confession he wants romance....with the first time it’s brought up in game being while they are watching the sun set together, the traditional Square Red Sunset of Shipping.

Seifer hesitates to defy orders, not for himself, but until he sees Squall is with him. Even though there were other “children of destiny” who all came from the same orphanage, Squall and Seifer were the ones who were never apart, never adopted until it was by a military/mercenary training program, and, even though it may speak more to brotherly than romantic from some angles, there’s a feeling of being the same, knowing each other down to the atoms, adopting an us against the world mindset that trumps trying to best each other when it comes down to it because they are the only constant. When Squall has his breakdown/ breakthrough of why he pushes people away/doesn’t let himself care/tries not to need anyone because people leave/are taken from him and he is scared he isn’t worthy of love and happiness until Rinoa challenges him, this may seem like a dismissal of Seifer, but you can also look at it from “I had no friends or family. I didn’t even have interest in speaking to anyone. I strived to be an unfeeling machine, because all emotion is pain...But also I couldn’t go 48 hours without seeing Seifer.”

Yeah, yeah, we know their main form of hanging out was beating the tar out of each other, but sometimes, especially in older media, this was its own brand of subtext. For more on how Seifer miiiight just view sparring let’s point out that “Isn’t this ROMANTIC?” and “Kneel” as a less easily interpreted as innuendo version of “I want you on your knees” are battle quotes even in Kingdom Hearts sooo draw your own conclusion.

We get a line where Squall makes it clear these were friendly matches looked at as pushing their limits beyond what they are allowed to in sanctioned spars, and he feels prepared to take on anything now because of Seifer. Is it healthy communication in real life? No! Is this real life? No! Plus, the facial scar was an accident, pretty clearly...on Seifer’s side...I could write another essay on how Seifer draws first blood, but it’s because on Squall’s failed block, AND THEN SQUALL GETS ANGRY AND RETALIATES WITH CLEAR PURPOSE AND MAKES THE OPENING SHOT INTO THE FIRST SIGN GOOD VERSUS BAD GUY ISN’T SO CLEAR CUT (even though they both shouldn’t have been going so hard in a friendly training match to begin with).

Seifer’s later, repeated threats/expressed desire to give Squall additional scars once he goes evil? That is a different animal, and a horrible one, objectively. Not objectively? No comment. Okay, one comment. Mark you as mine. Two comments. He knows Squall’s lost some memories and he can’t stomach being the next thing forgotten so Squall needs physical reminders.

Hmmm, I was supposed to be talking about the ship, not just the sparring and scars. We can wrap it up with a Marge Simpson. “I just think they’re neat”

BUT ONE MORE THING

Squall’s jacket when he becomes Leon in Kingdom Hearts. His outfit is mostly the same, right? Except the back of the jacket now has a red patch of an emblem (of Rinoa’s angel wings, not Seifer’s cross...for the OT3 feel), and his fight with Sora he throws a fireball like Seifer’s signature. Just, you know, if you want bonus references/feeling.

Brotp: Fuu and Rai. They are willing to commit war crimes with this man, nurse him back from death’s door, and go into exile with him if he can’t return to a normal life even after a redemption arc. This section deserves to be long, but I am beginning to get talked out. Don’t take that as devaluing the friendship though. I’m glad he was allowed to keep his ride or dies in Kingdom Hearts. FRIENDSHIP! They love him, ya know?

Head Canon: What we see of him at the end of the game is a temporary situation and after he heals and refreshes for awhile he’d go back to Balamb and face consequences for his actions, and probably insist on consequences instead of leaning into “an evil sorceress bespelled me and slowly took my free will.” No hiding away in the wilderness. No crossing into and living his life in Esthar. No, “but in the end I broke free and would have been an active, onscreen part of saving the world if Square had let me join the party!” He would insist on being cast into a deep, dark cell. Squall uses pull to get him pardoned, but not before just, flat out, yelling at him for being a martyr.

Unpopular opinion: He did love Rinoa. It may have been a “shallow love,” but he wasn’t just dating her to pass time or because she played into his damsel who needs a hero mindset. There was emotion. He was prepared to die for her and Squall in Timber, and almost did--only being saved by Sorceress Edea...which wasn’t a kindness, but it all worked out in the end. Sure, he gets mind-controlled into using Rinoa as, basically, a human sacrifice and it isn’t Rinoa he wants stripped and brought to his room when we’re taking prisoners, but he cared about her. He does taunt her about their past relationship, but we’ve already established this is just part of his communication skillset. Yes, I will elaborate more if asked, though it’s more feeling based than text based.

A wish: If there’s ever a sequel, let him have put out the good in the world that was his dream and be seen as a hero. Let us see a matured and peaceful Seifer.

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: My one fear if they ever remake FFVIII instead of just porting it, is that some of the creative team have said they like the fan theory where you are dead part way through the game and the rest is a dying dream or purgatory. It’s creative stuff; I will say that. It’s not my favorite, and I don’t agree, but those kinds of fan interpretations when they go in depth are super cool. PLEASE LET THE INTEREST IN IT JUST BE THE SAME AS MINE OF THINKING IT’S CREATIVE BECAUSE MAKING THIS CANON WOULD BE SO, SO BAD FOR EVERY CHARACTER.

5 words to best describe them: stubborn, misguided, paladin, romantic, petty

My nickname for them: I don’t really have one

#seifer almasy #seifer x squall #squall x seifer #such a long post and still not all or even communicated that well probably #you don't have all the facts the facts are i love him #tina-nina

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firemblem-fics · 4 years

Text

Running With the Wolves [3]

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-> Pairing: Yuri Leclarc x Fem!Reader

-> Modern!Au | Gang!Au | Enemies to Friends to Lovers

-> Word Count: ~2.4k

-> Warnings: Violence, Blood, Intense Scenes, Alcohol Mention, Someone legit gets shot, Other things I probably forgot about

-> Summary: You were just a normal college student, trying to find her way in a new place. You didn't mean to get caught up in the wrong crowd. You just wanted coffee, but now you're running with the wolves.

-> A/N: hi i’m back hello this took me a little bit to do because after the action scene i simply lost motivation but it’s back i know what i want to do and i WILL do it. also, just an fyi, i, as a writer, do not condone anything that my character, Hiram Chapelle, says or does. Hiram is meant to be an ass and for gods sake he’s quite literally a psychopath. That’s how he’s written. I’m just saying for future reference because Hiram is a shitty person and I plan on keeping him that way LOL

send an ask if you’d like to be on the taglist!

If someone had told you, months ago, that when you moved to Fodlan, you’d be accidentally caught up in gang activity, you’d laugh in their faces.

What a silly notion, You’d nearly cry out of laughter, Fodlan is safe. Nothing happens there.

What a fool you were. Everything was too easy. Life was too simple for there not to be a catch. That’s the funny thing about the universe and her strange ways. There’s always a catch.

Your mother had said that God always tests you. That you’d know in hard times, He was just challenging you. The only thing you knew at this moment was that if God really was real, you’d like to have a few choice words with him.

Your test was only getting more difficult with each step you took. Each limp, actually. The frigid night air numbed nearly every part of your body, except for your ankle. Instead, it burned with a fiery intensity. Your shoe was tight enough to prevent a bit of the swelling, but you needed medical attention soon.

You laughed bitterly- you’d been saying that you needed help for a while now. Your arm, your ankle, and now probably a therapist. Physical and mental help were on your to-do list.

Biting back another shiver, you fumbled with your phone. The screen was black, only showing a little red battery in the middle of it. Dead.

The window you’d jumped through was in the back of the house, facing a patch of woods. In your rush, you didn’t think to run another way to get out, only pushing forward until you had no clue where you’d come from and where to go. Everything was forest. Everything was dark.

Until it wasn’t.

A flash of light shined from behind you and you gasped, running to your left and trying to hide behind a larger tree. The flashlights came closer and you held your breath.

“What doesn’t she fucking understand about you can’t leave?”

“Well, boss, you were a little rude about it-“

“She’s in danger! And she doesn’t even realize it- the seriousness of this situation. I don’t care if I’m rude or not, she’s risking her own life being this stupid.”

You resisted the urge to scoff. Yuri was definitely a rude individual from what you’ve interacted with, but of course he didn’t care.

The lights were getting even closer now. You stepped back and started to run again, ignoring the pain. You’d get help when you were safe. You tried to stay light on your feet, but couldn’t help but crush the fallen leaves under your feet as you ran.

“I hear something that way!” Constance shouted and every light flashed in your direction before the group began chasing after you.

Your heart caught in your throat as you willed your legs to work faster and faster. You’d be okay- you’ll get help when you’re safe. Lungs burning, you surged forwards still and tried to take different turns to make them lose your trail. It didn’t work.

“Y/N, stop!” Hapi yelled out.

You didn’t answer, still running. Suddenly, you were airborne. Your feet flew off the ground and you landed two feet in front of a tree root, sticking up from the ground. You were hyperventilating- they had caught up with you.

Before they could reach you, Yuri also stumbled over the root. His flashlight and handgun both flew out of his hands, skidding to a stop in a puddle of mud in front of you. You lurched forward, grabbing the gun and pointing it at the group. It was just Balthus, Hapi, Constance, and Yuri, but you still felt helpless. They could easily overpower you, but you weren’t giving up without a fight.

“Stay back!” You cried, your finger sitting shakily on the trigger, “Don’t come any closer!”

Hapi put her hands up. “We don’t want to hurt you- we want to keep you safe!”

“Keep me safe? By making me some bad guy in a gang that I never even asked to be a part of?”

Yuri scoffed and tried to step closer, but you quickly aimed the gun at him. “You think we did?”

“No more. Don’t come close, I’m warning you.” You could only utter a few words.

The leader of the Wolves ignored this, putting his hands out in front of him, “Drop the gun and this will be okay-“

“STAY AWAY!” You were screaming at this point. Everyone tried to shush you, but you couldn’t stop. Hysteria did such cruel things.

“Y/N-“

“NO!”

You closed your eyes and pulled the trigger, your arm injury hurting slightly from the recoil. Constance yelled out, grabbing onto Yuri, who seemed to fall in slow motion. Your head was spinning. Stars seemed to twinkle in the trees and bushes in front of you instead of staying in the sky like they should.

You swayed for a moment, watching the three try to help their leader. Blood seeped out of the right side of his abdomen. You tried to stay awake, but soon the gun fell out of your hand and you went limp beside it.

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

Your mind was awake before your body. You could feel the velvet sheets beneath your fingertips and smell the comforting french vanilla aroma that wafted through the Wolves’s house. It was warm- almost too warm for your comfort. Or maybe it was the fever you were running from stress.

You tried to smack your lips together, cringing when the inside of your mouth resembled that of a desert. You needed water.

Peeling your eyes open, you groaned. The lamp beside the bed was too bright, contrasting greatly against the still-dark sky. How long were you out?

You sat up on the bed, feeling sore, but brushed it off and trudged towards the door. You opened it and headed towards the stairs when you heard voices in a room across from you, two doors down.

“She’s already caused too much harm. I say we let her go and let natural selection take its course.”

You scoffed. Typical Hiram- rude ass.

“No- no. We brought her into this, the universe has basically ordered us to keep her safe. If any Eagles see her on the street, she’s done for.” Hapi reasoned.

“That might be a good thing-“

“Hiram-“

“She shot Yuri! He’s not waking up because of her!”

The silence that followed his outburst made your heart clench. You didn’t mean to actually hit him- you just meant it as a warning shot. Hell, you didn’t even know your aim was that good.

“He’s going to be fine. In the meantime, we need to contact Claude or Dimitri and see what’s happening.”

Claude? Claude, the boy at the pizza shop? You rolled your eyes. Of course he’d be a part of this- whatever this is.

“What if they’re siding with her?” Constance asked worriedly.

“Trust me, if it’s anything that Claude’s against, it’s an imbalance of power. As for Dimitri, I’m not sure.”

Your hands began to shake again and you blinked rapidly, trying to push away the looming realization that no, this wasn’t a joke, and yes, these college kids are in a fucking gang. You supposed a part of you didn’t want to believe it until now, but it crashed onto you like a bag of bricks.

These people have hurt others. Killed them. You hurt someone too- you shot a man. A man who apparently is trying to keep you safe.

Continuing to blink, this time biting back tears, you walked down the stairs into the kitchen. Grabbing a glass from the counter, you filled it up in the sink and began chugging.

One glass.

Two.

Maybe if it was alcohol, you’d feel a little better. But it wasn’t. And you didn’t.

More footsteps resounded from the stairs, making their way through the living room and into the kitchen. Hapi entered first, followed by the other four. She gave you a tight smile, choosing to mess with some papers that still rested on the kitchen table.

The papers were frenzied and unorganized- they must have really rushed out once they realized that you’d left.

Hiram walked past and bumped your shoulder rather harshly, making you spill your third glass of water down the front of your shirt. You hissed, wanting nothing more than to yank out those snowy locks of his, but he was definitely armed and no doubt dangerous. You valued your life a little too much to mess with the little man.

Eventually, the group sat down at the table and Hapi patted her hand on the wood, pointing to the empty chair across from her. “Please, Y/N, sit.”

You did so, awkwardly, clasping your hands and putting them in your lap. You didn’t want to look up, already feeling the five intense stares burn into your form.

“It seems our first little talk wasn’t as… effective as it needed to be.” The redheaded girl began. “You were seen with us in the cafe when Edelgard attacked. You let your mouth run, disrespecting her. And I can assure you right now, that the Eagles have all the details on you. Especially since one of their own seemed to recognize you. Like it or not, you’re in this now.”

Hiram snorted, leaning back on his chair and nonchalantly checking his nails. “You’re stuck with this, toots. If you didn’t want to be, you should’ve stuck behind everyone like a good little coward and let the big dogs fight over the bone. You could’ve easily been seen as a citizen and an innocent bystander, but no. Something in you said ‘hey, let’s be a bitch to these people who suddenly barged in here with guns’. If I didn’t know any better, it would seem to me like you were practically,” He leaned forward, his icy eyes boring into your own, “asking for it.”

You furrowed your eyebrows, but still kept shut. He wasn’t necessarily wrong, you could’ve easily decided to let the obviously-more-experienced people deal with it, but in your defense, you didn’t know at the time! You didn’t even think your 5 second long conversation with this Edelgard chick was as negative as they made it out to be.

Crossing your arms, you willed your face to remain stoic. “I just don’t see why she’d have it out for me. I didn’t even do anything that bad.”

“Look, look at my face.” Hiram pointed to the bridge of his nose, where a deep, pale pink scar contrasted against his skin. “Rhys and I used to be… involved with them. Her little lap dog- Ferdinand- did this. Because I made some ill-timed joke.”

You couldn’t help but glance over at Rhys, whose eyes had darkened at the mention of his past. The mention of Ferdinand’s name and his affiliation with the Eagles made you wonder about everyone’s past- how exactly did all of these people get involved with such a deadly life? You didn’t have much time to dwell on it before Balthus spoke up.

“Listen, little one, just stay here and chill out until we can a hundred percent confirm that the Eagles aren’t associating you with us. If they’re not, you’re free to go.”

“And if I am?”

“We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.”

Everyone at the table gasped and turned around to the kitchen entrance, where the strained voice had come from. Yuri was leaned up against the door frame, holding onto his side still. His torso was bare, but the skin was covered by bandages and gauze.

The Wolves shot up out of their seats, rushing over to their leader.

“Yuri!”

“Why are you up?”

“You need rest.”

Yuri just chuckled at them, hiding a wince as his stomach contracted with the laugh. “I’m fine, I’m fine, everything’s cool. Not the first time.”

You still sat at the table, watching as they helped him sit in his place at the head before going back to their own seats. The Wolves really seemed to care about each other, you noticed, and felt a small pang of guilt for causing them so many problems already.

“So, Yuri-Bird, I was explaining to everyone earlier that our best choice of action is to contact Dimitri and Claude and see what’s happening in their little sectors of the world.” Hapi folded her hands on the table, “I know with about a 90% certainty that Claude will be against whatever Edelgard’s doing. Dimitri, I’m not so sure.”

Yuri nodded, taking in the information. “We need stronger people going to Dimitri, then, just in case he sided with her.”

“Which is why I decided that it would be best for all of us to go together. Dimitri has that one assassin with him- the Black Cat or whatever his alias is.”

“It’s Felix. I wouldn't forget the name of such a hunk of a man.” Hiram practically swooned.

Hapi rolled her eyes. “...Right. So, we start with Claude and then move on to Dimitri.”

Rhys raised his hand for a moment, making Hiram shush everyone. He said nothing, only jutting a thumb at you as if asking ‘what do we do about this chick?’ The room was quiet for a moment, then Constance clapped her hands together.

“She can stay and take care of Yuri!”

“What?” You and the previously mentioned man cried out.

He turned and glared at you. “You lot are going to entrust my healing to the same bitch that shot me? No. I’m coming with you all.”

Balthus shook his head. “She’s right, Boss. You could barely walk down here. You need to rest before you get back in the game.”

“Yeah,” Hiram began to laugh, “I’m sure Miss Girl will fix you right up. Maybe she’s better at caretaking than she is running away.”

You returned Yuri’s glare, but quickly switched it to Hiram. He lost his smile and quirked up an eyebrow, as if challenging you to say something. You didn’t.

“We leave tomorrow morning at 8 o’clock. Yuri, you sleep in. Y/N, be up early to change his bandages.”

Hapi stood and stretched, letting out a large yawn before walking out of the kitchen.

The rest of the group followed, Yuri lagging behind as Balthus helped him walk. His lavender eyes pierced into you, obviously extremely angry at you. You shuddered. You absolutely did not want to be alone with him tomorrow.

Dreading morning, you went to your room and tucked yourself back under the velvet sheets, watching the hall light turn off and listening to Hiram’s annoying voice echo throughout the walls.

“Goodnight y’all! Sweet dreams- except for the Princess, of course.”

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taglist: @fairyblue-alchemist @emperor-pizza @flavoredmilktea @sadies-stories-n-things @blviddyd @laurexlance @atomicchocolatecookie @mapesandoval @local-goth-lilz

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myfriendsarerealidiots · 4 years

Text

Comparing Adaptations

‘Kay so I went on one of my whims again and did something stupid. Couple weeks or so ago, I wasn’t really in the mood to watch anime so I opened up Netflix and watched a Cdrama that I wanted to watch for a while now.

That Cdrama was ‘The Untamed’ which, prior to me watching it and doing said whim, I thought was just your typical historic Cdrama. Oh boy I was wrong. As I was watching it, I was thinking to myself, “This show’s really selling itself off as BL.” Which, I found out after finishing it was because it is BL. Hah...and that was just the start of it.

As I was doing my ‘Post-show research,’ I found out that it was based of a novel, called ‘Mo Dao Zu Shi’or as translated by the people on the internet as ‘Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation.’ Said novel had 2 more adaptations along with ‘The Untamed’ which were a manhua and a donghua. So me being me, I decided to watch the donghua adaptation and read both the og novel and manhua.

So how I went through this was...

The Untamed (2019)

The Donghua aka Anime I guess

The Manhua which I read while having class (such a responsible student aren’t I)

The original novel

All hail this person who has too much free time on her hands.

Anyways, as it says on the tin, I’ll be comparing the 4 adaptations/versions of the story and see what changes between them as well as the pros and cons. (Wow I sound so professional)

Some background of myself just to avoid confusion

I am not a mega hardcore Fujoshi. I don’t really enjoy reading smut, nor am I old enough to do so bear that in mind

I have 7 years worth of Chinese lessons under my belt which means I barely understand a thing and that I can get some of the jokes like how Wei Ying’s sword is called ‘Sui Bien’ and it’s funnier to hear in Chinese. In other words, compared to like actual Chinese people who live in China, I pretty much have the knowledge of a 10 year old.

The versions of the Manhua and Novel that I read were translated in English so somethings might have been lost in translation.

I have a bit of a goldfish brain so forgive me if I wrote something wrong or forgot the name of a certain character, most likely I will look it up to correct it but if I don’t...well sorry.

I am writing my opinions on each version as I finish them, so if they don’t link up to the original that’s the reasoning behind it.

All of these are my opinions and thoughts on the story. You are not entitled to follow them if you disagree. I personally believe that everyone has a voice of their own and they should use it. (Even though I don’t half of the time.)

Slight Spoiler Warning

I will be breaking down some of the scenes and characters for my comparisons so please keep that in mind.

The Untamed (2019)

As this was my first exposure to the story, I didn’t know what to expect. I loved everything about it except for the fact that literally half of the show was spent in the past, building context for what was happening in the present.

The characters were lovable and all had distict personalities, especially Wei Ying and Lan Zhan which I guess makes sense since they’re the main characters (their actors are also cute and have good chemistry.) Speaking of characters, Yanli has a more forward role in the story here compared to the other versions. The way certain characters were introduced was different too. Since it’s live action, it’s also harder to show things like extreme blushing and such so it makes Lan Zhan look very stoic and way more unexpressive here than in the other versions.

The soundtrack is nice to listen to, especially with the 2 mains singing the theme song together it’s so cute and gives it another meaning in itself. Although, I do wonder how that poor bamboo flute Wei Ying made in like 2 mins plays decent sounding music. Chen Qing(is this the name of it?), the flute he uses after his trip to the Burial Grounds has the same sound quality as that bamboo flute which is just, “how???”

They took out most of the extreme BL!!! I feel like that is the biggest difference between this version and all the rest. I know they did that to appeal to more people but it does remove some of the context to things. That doesn’t mean the moments that were kept in weren’t cute though. It did make the pair look more plantonic than romantic.

As for the story itself, as a story on its own, it’s nice, as an adaptation that’s where the line gets blurry but it leans more towards the good side. They did indeed change some things, made them work better with the medium than if they didn’t.

An example I can place is the mask. Where the other versions used white make up with oddly placed red circles around the eyes, this one used a mask instead. I agree with the choice they made, seeing as they removed the fact that Mo Xuanyu was homosexual and so the make up wouldn’t make sense. It also looks nicer than what I imagined what could’ve happened with they kept with the make up. They do make a reference to this in the show when Jin Ling and Wei Ying have a conversation in Carp Tower. “You’ve seen my face right?” “How do I know? Your face is always caked in make up or covered by that mask.”

Another issue I had which I’ll touch on later was the first episode—I had no idea what was going on for those 40 minutes of screentime.

Donghua

As of writing this post, season 3 of this has yet to come out.

My first reaction to this was “Man, the animation’s pretty, and they made Wei Ying look scarier.” Watching stuff at 12 in the morning isn’t the best thing but that’s what I do.

Anywho, this version made Wei Ying really attracted to going down the path of ‘evil’ compared to the other versions. I don’t really understand why they made this change...but they did so we have to deal with that. And his eyes glow red!! It makes him look scary and cool at the same time. I love it!!

The transitions between certain events were a bit weird to say the least. For example, at the end of episode 2/3 Wei Ying gets forcibly dragged into the Cloud Recesses and the episode ends there. By the next episode, we’re 16/23/13 however many years in the past. This makes it really confusing for someone who hasn’t watched or read any other version of the story. It definitely made me confused and I already finished one.

While ‘The Untamed’ told us everything in one long flashback, the donghua broke it up into small chunks placed whenever information was needed. I don’t think that was a good idea, but then I also think it was a better decision than what they did for the Cdrama. As I watched this adaptation, I found myself confused from time to time because what happened in the prior episode didn’t always match what happened in the current episode like I mentioned earlier.

As for the artstyle, personally, I think some of the characters look similar minus the hair. However, I do like the little ways they made Lan Zhan express his feelings towards Wei Ying.

Speaking of which, when I first saw them together in this version in the forest near the Goddess Temple, I had to do a bit of a double take because of the height difference which wasn’t so evident in ‘The Untamed’. I soon found out that Lan Zhan was taller than Wei Ying before and after he gets reincarnated(?) Prior, it was just a small gap of 2cm which later turned to 6cm after possessing Mo Xuanyu.

I didn’t notice their height gaps while watching ‘The Untamed’ because Wei Ying’s actor, Xiao Zhan, is taller than Lan Zhan’s actor, Wang Yi Bo by about 2 inches which is like 5 cm? and so they had to do some weird thing with platforms to make Xiao Zhan look shorter in comparison.

Soundtrack wise, I personally think that ‘The Untamed’ was better in that sense. Where it had an amazing souding flute, this one had minor earrape in a nutshell.

This version made itself, in my eyes look more like a historical fighting anime as opposed to the BL vibes I was getting from ‘The Untamed’ and the other versions. They added a lot of action scenes and made the mystery more interesting for me. Along with this, the overall look and feel of this made it seem like it came from a completely different source material.

Manhua

Small FYI, as of writing this post the Manhua is at 147 Chapters.

(I should’ve kept up the trend and got a screenshot from that scene in the Manhua but I didn’t so here we are with gay rabbits.)

As your local internet friend who reads more manga than normal books nowadays, I enjoyed reading the manhua and finished it in a couple days.

Compared to the first 2 versions here, these last 2 are both things that you have to read to get through, albeit one has pictures and one doesn’t.

While normally, one would read silently, I like listening to music while I do. And seeing as the OST of ‘The Untamed’ sounds really nice, I listened to it while reading both the manhua and novel when I could.

This one brought out the BL elements that were missing from the first 2. They gave Wei Ying and Lan Zhan a lot of kissing or just straight up affectionate scenes which I think ties in with the general theming of the original novel more.

As this one is probably the closest of the adaptations to the original, it’s the least confusing to read, although that might’ve been influenced by my experiencing the story for the third time at this point. I say that, however, there were many story elements that weren’t present in either one prior to this.

Examples this can be seen with their collecting of body parts that belonged to the former Nie Sect Leader. In ‘The Untamed’ they find the sword spirit which guides them through the rest of the story. In the Donghua adaptation, they get the arm, but also get the head of the the Jin with the hundred holes curse which was an original addition. Here, they get the arm from Mo Manor, find the other one then find the torso and so on before finding the head in Jin GuangYao’s possession.

The flashbacks in this version were also executed really well, in my opinion, as it doesn’t feel super confusing while reading it and it gives just enough information to help the events unfold. It also gives us a chance to see how much of an ass(sorry) Wei Ying was when he was the Yiling Patriach from his own perspective as well as give us a moment of WangXian in the middle of all that chaos.

Novel

Here’s a picture of gay rabbits for everyone.

At this point, I was switching between the novel and the Manhua to read whichever one I wanted at any given time which might have blurred my sense of what belonged in each one so I’ll try my best to make sure.

Since this one is the original source material, it was clear from the get go that this will be the one with the least confusing version of events and the most amount of detail.

I was surprised on how close the manhua and ‘The Untamed’ was to the novel. Although, the former condensed the mystery to fit within the timeframe while the latter hasn’t finished just yet.

Personally, I like this author, and will probably read more of her works further down the line. Even though the version I read was in english, I still could feel the meaning behind certain aspects which I think shows her skill as an author.

The novel clearly shows the mischief that goes through Wei Ying’s head and their gradual (I say gradual but I think Lan Zhan just snapped) change of attitudes towards each other.

Arc One- Mo Manor

Past here I’ll break down the first arc of each one because I think all of them did it in relatively different ways. Be warned for spoilers if you haven’t watched or read all of them.

The Untamed (2019)

Out of all of these versions, this one definitely had me scratching my head in confusion the most even after watching it a second time once I finished the entire show.

As the only version that had the curse issued at the start as a moving factor of the story as well as the Yin Iron which was specifically made for this version, it didn’t explain enough at the start.

There were many things I could say were wrong about this beginning, from starting at a flashback to not properly introducing us to our characters but the biggest problem in my mind was the lack of explanation at the present.

Like I mentioned, starting at a flashback is a terrible idea as it gives the viewer high expectations only for it to be crushed the second it ends. Here, it shows a small portion of the battle at the Nightless City without much context then it quickly changes to 16 years later with a seemingly random group of people.

Another issue is the amount of useless characters who were introduced. In the other versions, there were only 2 Lan disciples who were given names and were introduced properly while here there were more than I want to count. Add to that the one telling stories about the YiLing Patriarch and the weird guy walking around with a flag, and you got yourself total confusion.

Donghua

This one was slightly less confusing to watch. As it starts with a clip of Wei Ying commanding corpses which matches the overall feel of the donghua. The rumors that he died stretched over the time skip and we meet this version of Mo Xuanyu who is caked with make up, whether or not he was a cut-sleeve (gay) in this version, I forgot.

It fully explains the curse and instead of having a couple of Lan disciples just standing there watching, we get to focus on the 2 important ones, Lan Sizhui and Lan JiYing. It gives us a slightly deeper insight into Wei Ying’s mind, as he states ‘you got the wrong one,’ just after being reincarnated, indicating that he isn’t as vicious as painted by the first few minutes of the show. Like the other versions, they also show how he considers the cons of using his demonic abilities and that Sizhui would probably tell on him to Lan Zhan, meaning that Sizhui was a keen, observant young man.

Manhua and the Novel

As for the introductions, these two were very similar. Both have the rumors of the Yiling Patriarch across the screen as we get further down the story and meet our main character.

It gets the details from the Donghua adaptation and mixes it with more information to create a more detailed account of what was happening, also making this Wei Ying seem smarter compared to his counterparts in other versions. He also hesitates more on showing his abilities, knowing that he’s going to be caught if he does.

Final Thoughts

As of writing this, I’m only halfway through the novel but it covers the portion until where the manhua is currently at. I would finish reading it before posting this but it would take too long and probably make this post even longer than it currently is, which isn’t such a good idea. If I had much more patience and effort I would really like to break down each arc and their differences from one another but I can’t be bothered right now. (Sorry)

I can safely say that in terms of adaptations, ‘The Untamed’ is relatively close to the novel, albeit a very condensed version. As flashback filled as it is, it wasn’t very confusing to watch past the first two episodes.

The Donghua adaptation takes several liberties, going more of an action oriented route instead of the calmer more, I wouldn’t say love but character oriented novel.

The manhua is definitely the closest to the novel, so if you really don’t want to read a lot of words, and I mean a lot of words, then go ahead and read it.

What else do I have to say...if you’re new to the story, welcome, if you’re a veteran who’s been here longer than me, sorry for taking up space on your feed. And congrats for making it to the end.

#the untamed #mo dao zu shi #manhua #donghua #cdrama #wei wuxian #lan wangji #wei ying #lan zhan #fujoshi #comparisons #mdzs #wangxian #yiling patriarch #yiling lao zu #hanguang jun

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b-mydarling · 4 years

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[01] MASCARA

I am still dwelling in self pity over a break up with my super hot ex-boyfriend, Sehun when my best friend decided to give me a replacement mascara to make up for all the loss that I've had from crying over that jackass (as referred by Byun Baekhyun himself) for the past one week. It was a normal gift to be quite honest, but little did I know, that one normal gift is the thing that made me realize just how drop dead gorgeous my best friend is. And to Baekhyun, that three boxes of Fenty Beauty mascara are the same exact thing that have made him realized that even after years, he has never lost his feelings for me.

🍰 pairing: baekhyun x OC

🍰 characters: baekhyun, OC, sehun, yeri, irene

🍰 genre: what else if not FLUFF 😭

🍰 aus: university student! baekhyun, best friends to lovers.

🍰 contains: Playing with makeup with some cute music as the bgm but definitely not in this chapter :>

🍰 word count: 3K

― note: this is my first time cross-posting my fictional work on this platform. (I guess), posting this chapter will help me to understand Tumblr's algorithm better 😔✋ oh and fyi, the main idea of this oneshot was actually inspired by my dream 😭😭 Yes, I dreamt of Baekhyun in the midst of a pandemic and during an online semester like I’ve had nothing better to do :)

p/s: let me know if you want to be tagged for the next chapter.

Best friends.

That is the perfect term to describe and explain my relationship with Baekhyun. We used to live in the same apartment complex and his mother used to babysit me while my parents went to work. The babysitting lasted for almost six years (from when I was still a wee child at the age of 7 and until I turned 13) before his family moved to Incheon from Seoul. Even though we didn’t get to meet as often as we used to, our friendship is still intact and growing strong until now, when we are both a university students.

It was fun and easy being friends with Baekhyun. He may be older than me by two years, but I have never mind the fact because befriending Baekhyun was so, so much easier than befriending his little sister, Yeri. Although we are of the same age, I’m not close with Yeri because she used to think that my presence was a nuisance to her family; stealing her one and only brother from her, stealing her mom’s love and affection away from her, and she hated it when her dad brought back matching toys or playset for us to play together. And yes, of course we didn’t play together. To conclude my relationship with Yeri, we don’t hate or loathe each other but we have come to agree with the fact that we just don’t click with each other very well.

Presently, it is a Friday evening and I am laying on the couch at my family house’s living room. I am beat from living off from only few hours of sleep and a lot of coffee for the past two days because I was trying to perfect my assignment that holds 30% weightage for one of the subjects that I’m currently taking as a second year university student majoring in Beauty and Hairdressing studies. And now that I have submitted the assignment, it feels like all the burdens have been lifted from my shoulders and all that I want to do is sleep. I shift a few times on the long couch, trying to find a comfortable position to take a nap. I don’t want to sleep in my room just yet, afraid that my parents might forget to take the house key with them and I don’t hear their knockings if I sleep in my room. That, and I’m just too scared to sleep in my room knowing that I’m all alone in this house. It only feels like a few minutes have passed since I fell asleep before the incessant ringing of my phone wake me up. I grumble in my hazy state and reach for my phone on the coffee table.

“Hello?” I mutter into the phone without even looking at the caller id or even opening my eyes, sleep already calling back to me.

There’s a small chuckle coming from the other side of the line, the caller’s voice so deep and warm; alarming me about who he is. My lips automatically curl to form a smile just by hearing his velvet voice. There’s a few beat of silence before he starts to speak to me. “Did I wake you up from your nap?”

“Yes, yes you did.” I jokingly say with a pout while putting the call on speaker before I put my phone down to sit up from my laying position. “I’m so tired, Sehun. Mrs. Kwon has finally approved of my dreamy makeup look sketching after the fourth consultation. I’ve just submitted the assignment too. But anyway, why are you calling me? Are you done with labs?”

Sehun fakes a cry and says “My poor baby. But hey, at least you’re done with it now, right?” I hum, enjoying the comfort that my boyfriend is giving me. “And yes, I’m done with lab and my basketball practice too.” Sehun says with a teasing voice. “Can you come down for a while, princess? I need to talk to you about something.”

I look at the wall clock and frown. It’s nearly 7pm now and I’m too lazy to change out from my comfortable lounge wear. “Now?”

“Yes, now. I’m already waiting in front of your apartment complex.”

Still feeling lazy to change my clothes, I try my luck again. “Can you come upstairs then, Sehun? My parents are not home yet. They went out to have dinner with my father’s colleague.”

There’s another beat of silence coming from the other side of the line before Sehun sighs into his phone. I couldn’t decipher whether his sigh is rather affectionate or because he’s just tired from a long day at university. But I guess whatever that he’s going to talk to me about is pretty serious from the way he responds to my invitation.

“I can’t do that, baby. I need to tell you something without having to face the possibility of your parents walking in on us and disrupting our privacy. I’m also kinda in a rush to meet my friends later.”

I pout. “Okay, I’ll be down in a few minutes. See you, Sehun.” I say and after receiving a hum from him, I end the call while getting up from the couch and walk to my room to get change into something more appropriate to wear. I choose to wear Sehun’s grey hoodie that he has given me before and a legging. The hoodie is two times bigger than my own size so it’s really comfortable too. I grab my phone and lock the door before going down. Once I arrive down at the lobby, I can already see Sehun’s parked car a few metres from the apartment’s entrance. I walk closer to his Audi and knock softly on the window. Sehun is busy playing game on his phone that he gets startled by my soft knocking. He then unlocks his car and I get into the passenger seat next to him.

“Hi,” Sehun smiles at me and scans my face, his head tilting bit by bit the more he spends his time analyzing my countenance. Sehun then crinkles his nose. “Damn baby, you really look super exhausted. I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“It’s okay since I need to wait for my parents to come home too.” My reply is cut short because my mind is being clouded with the smell of freshly baked dessert in his car. I turn half of my body in Sehun’s direction before I turn my head to look at his back seat. I see that there’s a white transparent box of brownies from the bakery that I frequently go to and a big bouquet of my favourite red and pink roses. I turn my head back to look at Sehun and grin up at him. “Are those for me?”

Sehun grins back at me before he takes my hand into his big one. “Of course those are for my favourite girl. You can even share the brownies with your parents too.” His other hand stretches behind him to grab both the flower bouquet and the box of brownies before he places them in my lap.

“These are my present for you because you have been such an amazing girlfriend for me for the past six months. Now, let me talk about the thing that I have wanted to tell you.”

Sehun has broken up with me.

Before this, it only took him 15 minutes to gather his courage to express and explain his feelings for me and now, it only took him 10 minutes to tell me that he wants to break up with me. Because apparently, his basketball coach has strictly forbidden him and the rest of his teammates from dating to ensure that their performance will not be affected if anything were to happen to the relationship. It was an absurd reasoning, I know that. But how can I not agree when Sehun has reasoned with me so well. He is on a full basketball scholarship so he must give his very best to basketball and to his major studies too. So yes, I agreed to break things up with him (although a part of me is hoping that we could still work things out).

After I went back to my house, I just sat idly on the couch thinking about what have just happened. There are three thoughts that are currently running through my minds and I could not just brush away this three facts:

My hot and athletic boyfriend has broken up with me.

I still love him

Should I wait for the both of us to graduate so we can be together again? But that will take two more years.

My parents came home at half past nine in the evening with take-out food for me. I only thanked my parents and proceed to eat my dinner in silence before asking for their permission so that I can leave for my room first. I even told them that they can eat the brownies on the coffee table because I don’t feel like eating it. As a result, my parents got worried over me because they could sense that something is wrong with me and Sehun from looking at the abandoned bouquet of roses and the box of brownies on the coffee table.

Now that I’m all alone in my bedroom, the realization just hit me like a bullet train. I feel suffocated. I feel restless. I feel like there is nothing else that is worse than this breakup. But boy I was wrong, there is something that is even worse than this shitty feeling that I’m having right now.

Because at half past 10 pm, my phone gets bombarded with a lot of messages and screenshots from my close friends in university. And the content of the messages were all the same, two screenshots of Irene’s latest instagram stories with one of it being a picture of hers and a man’s legs on a bed, watching Netflix together and the other picture being the same exact white box of brownies and a bouquet of red and pink roses like what I have gotten earlier. The caption in the story was:

“First date. Thank you, my sweet boy @oohsehun”

And that was the exact moment when I feel like the world has crashed on me. I feel like I could not breathe with all this new information that I just get. I need to save my sanity and I need to see the person who understands me better than anyone else. I hurriedly change my clothes before telling my parents that I need to see that person because of an emergency. My parents allowed me to go out despite it being so late at night, partly because they’ve seen how shocked and restless I am, and partly because the person that I’m going out to see is my best friend.

Byun Baekhyun.

Baekhyun has just returned home from his daily night run when he saw me standing in front of his door. He was shocked, of course. Because I have never really went to his apartment without noticing him beforehand. But upon seeing my blood-drained face, he ushered me inside before he rushed through his shower so that he can talk to me. After he’s done showering, he brought me to sit across of him at the small dining table that’s just enough for two people. And when he was seated too, he only crossed his arms and placed them on table. He doesn’t open his mouth, but his eyes are demanding me to open up. And I was right because in the next second, Baekhyun is ready to be on his best friend’s duty.

“Okay, spill it now. Every single thing.”

“You know what? Just cry.”

“Why are you asking me to cry?” I ask, annoyed that Baekhyun has been telling me the same thing ever since I was done telling him what happened. Baekhyun was also shocked to know just how much of an asshole Oh Sehun was. But he then said that I should have at least expected this since Sehun is a popular guy at university.

“Because,” Baekhyun uncrosses his arms on the table and leans back on the chair. He closes his eyes before continuing. “It’s not healthy for your mental health, you know? You don’t have to put on a strong facade in front of me. Acting like this when you’re hurting deep inside will only hurt you even more. I’ve seen you cry before. Multiple of times too, if I may add.”

I brush his words off and only stay silent. My eyes roam around his grey and red themed apartment, taking in the minimalistic interior of the house that belongs to the 24 year old man sitting across of me. He has a grey coloured two-seater sofa, his coffee table is full with his macbook, ipad, some of his still opened law text books, some documents and stationaries. His television that was originally brought from his family home is connected to the internet and his playstation 4 is still plugged into the television too.

When was the last time I visited his house? I couldn’t recall the memory but I know that it has been quite a while. Ever since I started dating Sehun, I only met Baekhyun at our university or anywhere else that is not his house because Baekhyun thought it was a little inappropriate for me to go to his house since I have a boyfriend. My little inspection of his house was interrupted after a short while when Baekhyun sighs a little loudly. I focus my eyes on him now and shrug my shoulder.

“Are you even listening to what I’m saying?” Baekhyun asks. “I don’t want you to get anymore hurt by whatever that jackass is doing or about to be doing after this. I know how much you like him and how much you cherish the relationship that you’ve had with him. It’s completely normal to be hurting by this news and it’s definitely okay to cry too. Cry until your eyes get swollen, cry until you fall asleep and wake up feeling a lot better than tonight.”

I bite my inner cheek and shake my head. Although I admit that I am hurt deep inside, I refuse to cry. Not because I have too much pride in me but because of these mixed feelings bubbling inside. Hurt from being lied and cheated on by the person whom I thought I was going to have a long lasting relationship with. Confused because out of all people, I didn’t expect Sehun and Irene to be together. Irene was my seatmate and one of my assignment group mates throughout the whole of last semester where I had taken an elective subject not related to my major. Appalled because this would have not happened if I hadn’t asked Sehun to join our group celebration dinner for getting an A last semester. These feelings just keep on brewing inside me and it was too much to comprehend, leaving me to not be able to even shed a tear.

“I don’t know, Baekhyun.” I say while standing up from the dining chair.“I thought I should tell you about this and feel better, but I still feel like I have just gotten hit by a car. I guess breakup really sucks.” I laugh soullessly. “Hey, do you mind if I crash here tonight? I’m too tired to drive again.” I don’t wait for Baekhyun to respond because I straight away walk to his couch, not realizing that Baekhyun has also stand up from his chair to follow me.

I’m only a few steps away from the couch when I feel a soft tug on my left hand, turning me around before I am being pulled into a bear hug. My eyes widen in shock because my best friend has never hugged me so closely and so tightly like this. But his embrace is just so perfect and warm and very much comforting that I can feel all these mixed emotions inside of me are swirling all over the place before I feel something triggering the most wanted reaction from me. And just like his warm embrace, my dams of tears exploded.

“I really like him, Baekhyun.” I say with tears streaming down my face. Baekhyun doesn’t say anything but lets me cry on his shoulder. I take a long time to stop crying and when I am slowly sniffling, that is when Baekhyun starts speaking.

“That wasn’t so hard, wasn’t it?” He asks while stroking my long hair. “You silly girl, you’ll feel a lot better after this. And oppa will make sure that jackass will regret doing what he did to you.”

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luci-cunt · 4 years

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An incomprehensive guide to why you should read T.J Klune’s book Wolfsong

Mostly for my very best friend in the whole wide world: @moonsandstarsaregay <33 and with 100% too many AFtG references i’m sorry

*AHEM*

A plot summary: Ox has been told his whole life he’s slow and gonna get shit for it. He lives in a sleepy little nowhere town in Oregon and is perfectly content never leaving and working in the garage for the rest of his life. His dad sucks, his mom’s a gem, and one day the house that’s (almost) always been empty at the end of the street gets filled by a family that’s just a little on the wrong side of weird–the Bennetts. They all immediately fall in love with Ox because he’s literally the most perfect mc you’ll ever meet, and he learns that not everyone actually sucks he’s just been looking at the wrong people.

And so what if they’re also a very powerful and well known werewolf pack–I mean WHATTTTTT

There’s monster fighting, drama, adventure, romance(*), adventure, angst (Oh GOD is there angst), badassary, and just so much good shit.

The Main Character:

I could talk just about how Ox is portrayed until the day I DIE. He doesn’t have an arc where he magically becomes ‘normal’ or anything, instead he just surrounds himself with people that treat him better and finds that he doesn’t need to change. He has a heart of gold and does kind things just because he is kind. He’s the definition of a soft giant, and again, the book starts and he’s roughly 10ish (with flashbacks to younger) and it ends with him in his late 20s early 30s so he definitely grows and matures but he doesn’t change because he doesn’t NEED to.

[More reasons to read + warnings/ disclaimers + a snippet below cut so I don’t bother y’all with a hella long post XD

You should probs read the warnings before you read the book just FYI]

Writing Style: If the style of the Knife of Never Letting Go intrigued you but you couldn’t get past the first chapter then this is the book for you. Ox is a bit simple–In the best way possible–and the book is from his perspective. His thoughts are stated outright and he takes most things people say very literally. This doesn’t change and that’s the best part. I LOVE this about it and I was TERRIFIED that Klune was going to write Ox in this style for only the first couple chapters and then suddenly switch to him being some snarky genius, but he doesn’t!!! Honestly idk how to describe it, you’ve just got to read it.

If that doesn’t convince you:

- First of all, werewolves, who doesn’t love em?

- Second of all gays, like, everyone, no one is straight. That one side character who shows up once? Yeah, no, she shows up twice and the second time she has a girlfriend. The main characters? All gay, and if they aren’t gay in this book they will be in the next one.

- FOUND FAMILY

- It’s basically AFtG but gayer and softer? but not??

- Very realistic characters, they make stupid mistakes and people react accordingly

- Kelly and Carter and literally the best things in the world I would fucking murder for both of them and I’m pretty sure Kelly is confirmed by the author to be ace (btw they aren’t twins so you can’t even accuse me of being in love with every blond and kinda tragic set of twins I come across fuck off XD)

- OX STATES VERY BLATANTLY THAT HE IS BISEXUAL

- Very endearing coming out scenes

- Gordo Livingstone is perfect in just about every way and he’s also like if Neil and Seth were combined and grew up to be Wymack. ajsdf;lk just a dumbass gay trying really hard to be a good dad while also vehemently denying it. (Oh and yeah he literally had a boyfriend who he’s currently pissed at so)

- MC is not a genius and that’s not treated like a bad thing

- Please just read it I need more people to scream about it with me

Some warnings:

- it’s werewolves, there’s gore, obsessive use of the word “alpha” and lots of wolf-ish tendencies. Most of it comes across as fucking adorable, but ngl, sometimes it’s just a tad weird.

- people have v tragic backstories. None of it is worse than AFtG but it’s still very intense, more on the side of gore/ violence/ some torture than heavy non/con but there’s some mentions of that. (More vague allusions/ threats rather than graphic scenes don’t worry)

- *the only thing that really wigged me out about these books is the fact that the main couple have a 6 year age difference. Any way you spin that it’s weird, but I think it was handled as well as you can??? (idk man I’m still wigged out about that even tho they don’t actually DO anything until both of them are in their twenties but STILL)

- it is VERY angsty. I mean, the soft moments are SICKENINGLY soft and there’s some of the best comedy/ cute shit I’ve ever seen but–god the ouch stuff HURTS. If you don’t want to cry over a book I wouldn’t recommend reading this.

In conclusion:

If you wanted LGBT adventure content here it is!!! I mean, if it’s the sex scenes you’re about (or against XD) there’s only really two, one is the epilogue and one is about 2/3rds through the book but from what other people who actually understand sex say it’s NICE XDD also just a very nice character moment? I didn’t read all of it but from what I read it was v nice, they’re wholesome and stupid, I love them.

I actually really liked the romance? It’s v realistic and got the vibe of “neither of us have good self-confidence but I will DIE proving to you that you’re worth the entire world.” There’s very, very sappy and drawn out declarations of love, it’s adorable, sometimes a little weird (looking at you Joe), but altogether wholesome. There’s also a wee bit of possessiveness but it’s mostly(?) treated as the “uuuuhhhh, that’s not gonna go over well you need to chill” trait it should be.

It’s intense, and the last time I physically could not stop reading and stayed up all night just to finish a book was AFtG so...

It is quite a bit longer than AFtG tho, like, it took me the same amount of time to read just Wolfsong that I read all three of the AFtG books in. Sometimes it drags a little, especially in the middle, but it’s all worth it. Also if you don’t like drawn out “you will apologize on my terms because you fucked up on yours” kinda things I don’t think this is for you.

I loved it, the characters are to die for and the villains make my blood boil. I cried, and laughed and sobbed and screamed. 12/10

Here’s a lil bit to give you a taste:

Here’s a link to the Goodreads page if you want more details

And here’s a link to where you can buy the book ;)

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thewhumpstuff · 4 years

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Flashback

Flashback - [So, this got longer than I intended. It probably needs to be cruelly edited. But, nah. I’m just going to throw it into the void!

@badthingshappenbingo [Original Characters and content for - Reopening an Old Wound] Whumptober Day: No. 6 - Please - “Get it out!” No more. “Stop, please!” [Sorta all three] Ten Trails: Heart and Soul (2)- Repressed memories [@yuckwhump] CW/TW: Uncomfortable invasion of the mind. References to interrogation, captivity and potential torture. Reference to implied bullying in the OC’s past. [Please let me know if I missed anything] [I don’t think there is anything triggering about the abstract art, hopefully, so its just out here. FYI-That is a man casually ‘caught up’ in his brain.]

Zach drummed an arrhythmic beat against the edge of his table, when the door to his office slid upon and the framework framed Akira like a painting, “Ah, good! You’re here. I’ve been led to believe you possess a unique set of skills and are the perfect candidate to... solve a little problem I’ve chanced upon. Shall we?” She wasn’t given a chance to make her way into his office. Within a moment, he was already crowding her. Zach shepherded her towards a vehicle. They rode in uncomfortable silence. There weren’t too many people who could set Akira on edge, but Zach was definitely one of them. She assumed it was because she couldn’t get a read on him. And the tenebrous past he shared with Jared. The vehicle pulled up and she almost opened her side of the door into Zach’s crotch, accidentally. She stopped herself just in time, leaving the door slightly ajar. With a soft huff of disappointment and impatience, Zach opened it all the way and waited for her to step out. Akira really wasn’t accustomed to this level of archaic chivalry. The silence continued to loom as they walked past the wired fence, to the decommissioned lab. It was marked for repair and rennovation. As they rounded to the door, he went on to warn her, with feigned concern, that did fool her. “This is not going to be easy. It certainly isn’t for me, but I trust you know, that as Amity Enforcers, it's our duty to defend the goals of the Global Confederate. ”

Her brows knitted and her eyes narrowed, but she nodded. They made their way inside. Their footsteps echoed in the vacant reception area and continued to click as they walked through the lobby and the labyrinth of corridors. The first couple of floors had already been revamped and restored. From the corner of her eyes, she noted the silhouettes of wrapped equipment. She recognized them with ease, some were bots for medical procedures, others were devices typically used for research… on human subjects. They were flush against the walls haphazardly. He led her into a softly lit room, and stopped by two-sided mirror. The other side was dark. Akira stared at their reflections. In retrospect, the sincerity in Zach’s expressions, would surprise her. Another guilty reassurance followed. It felt like he was setting her up for some kind of a climax, “I assure you, I’ve done my due diligence, and grave apologies that I wasn’t able to get to him before the others. He’s a little roughed up. Needless to say, he’ll be fixed up. Perhaps you can help with that too…” Zach fiddled with something that looked like a keypad touch screen. Bright fluorescent lights illuminated the room beyond the mirror. Akira did a double-take and didn’t realise she was holding her breath. Jared. She didn’t need to see his face to recognize him. He didn’t have a shirt on and his pants looked scruffy. Angry, fresh bruises covered most of the skin that she could see. Cuffs cinched his wrists behind his back. His cheek sat in a small pool of blood. Crimson that leaked from a cut lip and from his nose. His chest rose and fell erratically. Jared didn’t react to the lights. He was either asleep… Or just unconscious. Zach’s little roughed up didn’t exactly do justice.

She couldn’t tear her eyes off Jared, but she found her voice and addressed Zach in an indignant hiss, “What the fuck is this?” Zach ran gloved fingers through his silken strands, “I told you this wasn’t going to be easy. I recognize that your relationship, predisposes you to defend him. To take his side. And that’s good. Because-” Aki interrupted him through grit teeth, “Get to the point damnit. What reason do you have to hold him like this?” She found it very hard to maintain composure. Her eyes still riveted on Jared, till Zach’s fingers found Akira’s jaw. He held it to force her to turn and look at him. She did turn, but also jerked away from his hand. He didn’t press for contact. Zach’s voice darkened. It got colder and softer with a bridled rage, “I’m going to let that tone slide. Compelling evidence has surfaced, that declares him responsible for the death of my mother… and my subsequent capture. And that he either is, or was associated with SpecSyn.” His tone reminded her of the chilly one that Jared assumed, when he had reason to truly mean whatever threat he was uttering. The comparison was unsettling. Zach went on, “And I’d like very much to believe this evidence is bogus, because I don’t want it to be true. As much as you probably don’t. We grew up together, him and I. We trained in G.C.A together, served in Sector Nine together… ” She noticed a sort of hurt in Zach’s eyes. The kind of pain that screamed betrayal. For the briefest of moments it made her trust him, as he went on talking, “And I’m doing my very best to not fall prey to my anger… Akira. So please… help me. Help me wipe these allegations once and for all. You convince me, and I’ll take care of the rest.” Akira sounded hesitant, she was processing everything a little too slowly to immediately recognize what Zach wanted. So she defended Jared rather simply, “Look, I don’t know what to tell you, he never told me anything-” Zach’s voice changed to something practical and detached again, like this was just any other mission detail. This also reminded her of Jared. “No, of course he didn’t. Despite how intimate you two are, I doubt he would’ve trusted you with anything important, or too personal. He’s always been an agent first… Apparently, just not for G.C.” She could sense that he was provoking her now and instilling doubt again… Somewhat successfully. Jared had always been rather tight-lipped. Even more so around the subject of the events that led to Azrael’s death and his missions. They’d argued about it on more than one occasion. Now was not the time to get hung up on the way the truth of his words stung. She turned her back to Jared and leaned against the two-way mirror. Zach went on, “Frankly, I’m surprised you didn’t simply-” She challenged with another interruption, eager to defend the relationship he sounded so dismissive about. “What? Just read him? Relationships don’t work like that, Zach... I trust him. Still do. Always will.” Her heart sank when she finally realised what the man wanted. And he made quick work of confirming Akira’s assumptions, “Well, push has come to shove. And if you trust him so much, you shouldn’t find anything in there-” He rested one hand against the glass of the two-way mirror and tapped it. ‘-In there, that’s too alarming. I say you- and by that I mean we, because we’re running out of options. So, convince me, he truly doesn’t know anything. And I’ll make sure he’s free to go. And you.” And me? She folded her arms across her chest, “I didn’t realise I was not free to go. So what, I’m a prisoner now too?” Zach stepped in closer and placed his other hand on the surface of the mirror behind Akira. Her face was between his palms and she felt a little trapped, by the situation and literally by Zach’s proximity, but she did her best to not show it. He shrugged, “The Jared I know, would’ve worked alone, but the others would not hesitate to assume your involvement by proxy. And it doesn’t help that you’re a Niner. But, like I’ve said before I’d like to stay on your side, on his side.” She drew in a long shaky breath, her voice fell to an uncertain whisper, “It…. My power doesn’t work like that. It’s not so perfect… I can’t just give you what you want.” He smiled, realising that she’d understood that her options were limited and was at least, considering compliance. “I know how your power works. And I’ll guide you. We’ll have to find a way, for his sake.” Nonetheless, she obviously had to check if there was in fact, any other way. She wasn’t too keen on breaking that sacrosanct trust, “What if I say no?” Zach huffed brusquely, “Then I’ll have no choice but to give the two of you up. I can only buy so much time. They’ll either force a confession false or not... or kill both of you in the process of doing so… So, Akira, I really don’t want to spend our time constantly reminding you, that I’m the only thing standing in the way of a very… very bleak future for both of you.” So, no real choice indeed. A small part of Akira rejoiced and then recoiled with guilt. The part that did want to know all of Jared’s secrets, just so they could clear the air once and for all. The part she’d leashed, with difficulty and upon his insistence- out of respect for what they shared... Another part of her curled up in fear of what she’d actually find. And how she’d hide it from Zach, if it was indeed incriminating. “How do you expect me to convince you?” Zach looked beyond her, presumably at Jared, as he laid out the plan, “To make sure you aren’t lying, I’ll first have you dredge up memories of his time with me, details that I can confirm. Things you’re unlikely to know about, at least not in all their specificity. Then we can work towards the rest. It’ll be a process… But hopefully, Jared gets out of this absolved and we all walk away unharmed. I’ll have Mark monitor your stats when we get to the important stuff. So I’ll know if you’re lying. You know Mark right, I believe you’ve worked with him? That should make all this a little easier...”

Carrying a glass of water, painkillers and some tissues, she walked into the cell alone. Her SmartNeura was connected to Zach’s, so he could instruct her without Jared’s knowledge. Jared was still curled on the floor. He had not moved almost at all. His knuckles were unbruised. But his wrists bore evidence of struggle. She gathered that Jared had not resisted arrest and that they’d hurt him after he was already cuffed. Presumably to get quick answers. Knowing him, he must’ve chosen silence. She assumed he was in some drug induced stupor now, she was wrong. “Jared…” He sat up so quickly, she and her heart jumped. “Shira? What the hell are you doing here?” Why did his tone sound accusative? “Z-” Before she could tell him, Zach interrupted her sharply, “No. Don’t name me. He doesn’t need to know of my involvement yet. Tell him someone else asked you for help with the interrogation-Better yet, tell him you heard and volunteered. Keep it vague.” Akira chewed the side of her lips and looked at Jared as intently as she could, she wasn’t sure if he could see truth in her eyes. She went and flopped by his side, cross-legged. And put the water beside him, along with the painkillers and tissues. He picked up the latter to wipe away the blood. She repeated Zach almost word for word, “I… heard they caught you and volunteered to help.” She was hoping Jared would recognize the foreignness of her words. Unfortunately, given his current state, he either didn’t, or did a damn good job of hiding it. His eyes widened. She knew he was definitely closing in on her intent. And desperately hoping it wasn’t true, just like she had been, just moments ago. “Help how?” She was at a loss of words. Aki jerked her chin towards his head. She really didn’t want to spell it out, “You know… I’ll just… Read and confirm you innoc-” Jared shot up like a spring, and was on his feet. He staggered as he backed away from her. He sounded uncharacteristically flustered, his words as choppy as his faltering steps, “Why the fuck would you- We’ve gone over this… We agreed- It’s the one thing I’ve asked for- Wait you told them about your- Just…Just… Get outta here and let them do what they want. You don’t need to get involved. Why would they believe you anyway?” He kept shuffling away as he talked, to literally stay out of her reach. Till he had nowhere left to go. Akira didn’t move towards him, she remained on the floor and stared at it. She wanted to yell. To let him know in no uncertain terms that she didn’t want any of this. That she had no choice. That it wasn’t going to be a damn walk in the park for her either. That she’d been summoned. And that she was glad that she’d been called. At least she could buy them some time to figure this out. That she couldn’t, in good faith, just… let them do what they wanted. She sat frozen, screaming internally till Zach was compelled to intervene. He sounded impatient… but Aki could swear, he also sounded mildly delirious, “Tell him, it's too late and you’re already involved. Tell him, he doesn’t have a real choice. Then ask him about Erebus at the C.T.F we did for training at G.C.A. Read the memory that comes up. I’m staring us off easy.”

In his impatience, Zach was revealing himself with every suggestion and Akira was glad that he was. Though she wasn’t sure if Jared was truly catching on, or not. She’d heard him speak of Erebus - now an Acer himself, working in the resources department- and not too fondly. She had nothing specific enough for her to fib her way through this. Akira cleared her throat and repeated Zach’s words, paraphrasing just enough to change the perspective, and couch her question as a memory-trigger, “Look, I’m already here. So this is happening, whether you like it or not. Let’s talk about Erebus. You two were in G.C.A together, right? Did both of you participate in the capture-the-flag game? Were you on the same team?” She hoped that the confusion that flitted on Jared’s face was a sign that he was starting to catch up. He had to have figured out that they were being watched by someone, if not specifically Zach. Jared asked, “Erebus? Why? I’ve barely mentioned him” She made up a lie, now improvising without Zach’s direction, “He’s... A suspect too...” She was grateful that Zach needed to confirm her compliance with… hopefully benign memories. But, with the way Jared tensed up, perhaps even this was not as benign as she was hoping. It’s just C.T.F… How bad could it be? Jared sighed, like he’d curtailed an exasperated warning, “Shira… please just...” After one last look of what she perceived to be despise- aimed either at her, or at the very least at the situation, he closed his eyes. With a dark, heart-rending resignation, he slid against the wall, till he was sitting on the floor with his knees pressed against his chest. She knew he wasn’t the sort to protest once he realised it was futile. She sat there feeling a little paralyzed. There was no going back once she crossed this line. Zach prompted her into action, “Go on! Remember we’re still time-bound. Wordlessly, she inched closer to Jared and set his hands on his exposed arms. -

Lying on the ground, stomach first. The wetness of dewdrops against the cheek. The chilly breeze against a bareback. The smell of damp earth and grass. The blurry sight of the green blades and the soil - shuffling shoes and ankles in the distance. The recently-cracked awkward husk of a pubescent voice, “This’ll teach you to fucking play decoy for Pixie-dust!” The sound of vague, bitter and cruel jeering. Shoes sliding closer. Fingers curling around wrists and ankles, tightening with a certain envious sourness. The soles of shoes against the back of the knees… and the elbows, with the wobbling, inconsistent, but hurtful pressure. The body, contorts and twists to see the sneering face of the kid who spoke. A raspy, baleful protest, claws out of the throat, “Get your lackeys off me ‘Rebus!” An unavailing struggle that ensues. Another soul pressed against the lower back, with a pathetic finality. And then the sound of the marker, shot at point-blank range. The smarting slap of the bullet splattering between the shoulder blades. The strangled roar, interrupted by another shot… and then another. The headache-inducing grit teeth and set jaw. The metallic tang of blood and the annoying stab of a bitten tongue- completely overshadowed by the aching throb of the back. The burgeoning tenderness and the blooming bruises. Finally, after half a dozen shots, the deafening silence. The splattered, viscous paint, that felt as good as blood, rolling down the sides of the torso. And a soft, defeated whine. The vague thought that this must appear rather comical to an onlooker… but sure didn’t feel that way. -

Jared’s quieter whimper met Akira’s louder groans, they tapered to an uncomfortable silence, first him, then her. She blinked away, the tears that collected on the side of her eyes. When she let go of him, she noticed her fingers had left a print on his pale skin, blanching through a bruise. She had just experienced his memory in first person and forced him to relive it too. Aki could still hear the echo of the shots and feel her back smarting. He probably felt the same lingering effects. She knew it’d fade soon enough, but it left her heaving for air. Her emotions were mingled with young Jared’s- contempt for this Erebus kid who pressed him into the ground and shot him. Despair... that it happened. And her instinct was more violent than his, “What a fucking tool. I’d have kil-” She cut herself off when Jared opened his eyes. The dejection in them tore at her. And Zach’s voice broke the moment, “Why did you stop? Tell him you want to know what happens and go back.” Akira hesitated, till Zach made the order in no uncertain terms, “Do it, now!” She echoed his suggestion with a slight startle, like a spurred horse, “I… I want to know what happens next-” He let his fingers lace with her approaching hands. A plainative squeeze followed, “No! Stop it… Shira… Please. Please no more… Not again.”

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faresramettas · 4 years

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share the love con panels

thought i’d write down some interesting answers from the cast (there were many more, but i have a bad memory and i took only a few notes)

first of all, before the panels even started the staff told us not to ask questions about season four, we know they are filming it, but they can’t talk about it. so yeah, our hopes and dreams of an announcement or besse making a surprise appearance (🤡) didn’t come true. they never talked about it, when you mentioned it to them they raised their hands or zipped their mouths or were like “idk what u’re talking about 👀😇😬” so obviously they contractually have to keep their mouths shut. but it’s happening y’all!

the only one who slipped, at the very last panel, was rocco and i was the culprit lol. i asked them if they’d imagined the fandom would support them and fight so hard during the cancellation months and bea said no, seeing our hashtags trending almost every day and receiving so much love was touching and incredible. she made rocco talk (mentioned how “he became saint rocco”) and rocco also said he couldn’t imagine the amount of support, and that “the power is all in your hands, and it was worth it-“ and then realized he spoke too much dhshdhfvk the others side-eyed him and he was like “ops” but we all laughed and moved on.

pietro had a lgbtq+ themed panel with an italian youtuber called shanti. they talked a lot about representation, how it changed for the better in the last 20 years or so, how for example right now there’s attention being given to trans* storylines too, and pietro made some really good points about how a show like skam italia should give hope and a positive representation to a young audience, without unnecessary violence or struggles inserted just for tragedy’s sake. how it may seem that martino lives an “easy” and relatively painless experience coming out and being gay, at least in his season, but young queer people should hope and know that that’s possible for them too. he said that he and filippo are different, and it’s good and precious that they are. we don’t know if filippo is an activist, like pietro is, but sometimes sharing one’s personal experience is enough to help. even if filo is not shown as an activist, he is so aware of his identity, he shares his own experience and point of view with marti and it gives marti courage. and that’s enough. finally, i asked what his favorite lgbtq+ tv shows are and he said queer as folk (he realized he was gay thanks to qaf), he absolutely loved euphoria, and thinks sense8 is a masterpiece (but he didn’t finish it smh). he said elite is just cute (😤) and he also told another fan he finished and loved fleabag!!

i also asked pietro what he, besse, rocco and fede were doing in the carrefour parking lot that night in august and he said that supermarket is open 24h and close to his house and he had to go buy groceries so he caught two birds with one stone, called them up and they drank and ate tramezzini (cold sandwiches, besse got a burrito he said) in the parking lot... and yes, they were organizing the revolution.

fede said what he likes the most about martino is his devotion to the people he loves. what he doesn’t like is how sometimes he shuts out the rest of the world, but it’s a problem he has learned to solve.

rocco said he’s thankful that skam italia has given him more awareness on some topics he used to treat superficially. he also talked about how much he relied on ludo and his research to portray bpd respectfully, and he’s glad that people found themselves represented in nico and that he could help them. it’s the greatest compliment. his eyes shine when he talks about nico, he loves his character so much.

a fan asked what was their favorite line to say. rocco’s is “non è figo il mio tipo?”, greta’s is “gli dei sono immortali”, nicholas’s is “sei frocio?”, pietro’s is “l’acqua solo se mi prende fuoco camera” from season 3, fede said “does it have to be my line? cause i like no zì sbagliato” but for his own it’s “minuto per minuto”. i can’t remember bea’s 😭

greta said the girls tend to stick to the script a lot more than the boys, she said ludovico tersigni literally never says a line how it’s written. nicholas confirmed that the boys (contrabbandieri) tend to improvise more and use the script sort of as a base, and that they piss besse off because he says it looks like they go on set just to goof around and gossip and not to do their jobs lol

i asked nicholas if they ate luchino’s pizza crusts. he said he had like 7 kilos of them because they had to retake that scene many many times, cause they wouldn’t stop laughing, as we can see in the bloopers (he also said it was the most fun scene to shoot) and bessegato would just keep adding mustard, ketchup and mayo on them. he felt sick the day after and “tasted mustard for a week”. fyi, nicholas and luchino are literally the same person. there’s no line between the character and the person, i love him so much. he also said he was having the time of his life in bracciano, with the light summer breeze, while the others were dying in their clothes and blankets.

marti’s spirit animal is the fox, fede’s is a golden retriever (debatable but okay). i think rocco said a cat, greta said besse once told her silvia is a goldfish, bea feels like a tiger but thinks sana is an eagle and i didn’t get the rest cause it was all very confusing lol

federico’s panel on sunday was actually very interesting, he is actually quite eloquent and deep when he wants to. he talked about how he really took the “minuto per minuto” philosophy to heart. how he doesn’t set long-term goals for himself, because he wants the freedom to change. how he chose to study medicine because after high school he knew he wanted to keep studying, and a bit like acting, there’s a fundamental human aspect to it that he’s always been interested in.

a fan reminded him it was marti and nico’s anniversary and he said “how are they celebrating? patatine e marmellata or sushi? in nicco’s new house? have our heroes moved there?” and we were all like Bitch u tell us... ofc he didn’t. but he said he imagines marti and nico celebrating their anniversary at a sushi restaurant in porto fluviale, in ostiense (rome). also, fede says their anniversary is bracciano (dec 1st) and rocco says it’s nel mio letto (nov 1st), i’m afraid we have to go with fede on this one.

i think the best question out of every panel was about marti’s interest in gio: was it real, or was it just a fixation? he said it was real interest, that stayed over the summer too. he and ludo had to find a way to show the shift in martino, and it was hard because they switched seasons and so there was no time for it to be gradually shown. however, where they imagined that shift to happen, is in ep1 when gio sleeps in marti’s bed. marti feels uneasy because of his feelings for him, but at the same time, he is uneasy because of the guilt. when he talks with eva on the phone and sees how giovanni reacts to that, how he’s still so clearly into her, he decides he has to move on from him, and gives up any hope or idea to have a relationship with him.

at rocco and fede’s sunday panel, rocco said he admires federico’s dedication to his work and his professionalism. fede and him bantered and bickered a lot, it was adorable, especially when rocco said some nonsense metaphor and fede was like “basta!” and fede kept asking for more compliments. but the question was about what marti and nico liked the most about each other, and federico said “it’s the kind of love where you like someone so much and you don’t even know why” as in, because you like everything about them, so that was beautiful.

a fan asked if there was any embarrassment between them, they said of course initially there was a lil bit of awkwardness, but they warmed up to each other immediately. one of the very first scenes they shot was an intimate one, rocco said the first kiss they shot was nel mio letto and they’d never rehearsed kissing before. amazing.

fede’s favorite color is blue (nicholas’ too).

rocco and nicholas sat in the crowd at the end of fede’s panel and rocco was like “tell us the story of bambi” and fede called him “er lucertola” and said it all started because of a tossico (junkie/drunk), i love them. nicholas made fun of him for his role in “i cesaroni” but fede said he’s only jealous cause they auditioned for the same role but fede got it, and nicholas has him saved as “andy dei cesaroni” in his phone.

some anecdotes from other moments (m&g, dinners) i found on twitter: federico said when they shot la grotta, there was this whole solemn atmosphere, and then he broke it cause when they finished shooting he realized he had rocco’s snot on his face and he was like “MA CHE CAZZO È, CHE SCHIFO (what the fuck, gross)” and said rocco was always crying on him (i guess referring to the martino e niccolò clip) and rocco was like yes there was a significant exchange of bodily fluids. okay rocchì.

apparently fede likes his beard so much he said he doesn’t recognize himself without it.

some fans adopted two giraffes in the bioparco di roma in their name as a gift!

rocco cried on the phone with bessegato when skam italia was cancelled. we been knew but it hurts to get the confirmation.

maxence and lukas are two rays of sunshine. not an anecdote, but i felt like saying it.

last but not least, rocco, nicholas and fede went absolutely batshit over @crazybee‘s “alt er besse” shirt. their reactions were priceless. rocco and nicholas took pics of them, nicholas was the one who sent them to besse and he reposted it on ig. forever blessed.

#skam italia #share the love con #text

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mimir-anoshe · 4 years

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💧&🔥

Just a bit of Cursed/Nimulot analysis… Cause I’m bored. And I might have found some interesting parallels/imagery watching it through for the 7 billionth time that I would love to share. If anyone enjoys writing meta… Which I mean I know some of y’all need your fix… Feel free to use anything/expand upon it. I would, but I’m a new fur-mumma and she’s taking up all my waking hours, so this little shit-post about this new hell hole of a ship I’ve dove headfirst into will have to do. The images are from a video and show produced by Netflix, I own nothing, so pls don’t be a bitch about it Tumblr.

***SPOILERS FOR THE SHOW!!! WATCH IT AND COME BACK!! OR DON’T? ANYHOO YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!!*** ⚠️

- beware Tumblr app users, it may be your doom -

Where to begin, with the teaser? Or with…

THE SHOW! Here be just a wee few times the writers/director(s) through the writing/cinematography have mirrored these two ‘protect the kid - warriors till the end’ idiots. I’m sure others have picked up on them… Not in any particular order, here ya go anyway.

1x02 - 1x10

*Insert spiderman pointing at spiderman meme*

One scar made by an actual dark god tricking her when she was a child, the others by a very human evil tricking him when he was a child and the consequences for both lasting into adulthood.

1x02 - 1x10

Look at the years of trauma Anakin, look at it! They even use the same damn word! The phonetic tones of disgust! The outcast syndrome! Oof. (And it’s not like Nimue being called demon has to do with a general racial-slur from a human, that is a fey calling her that from her own village!) They both grew up viewing themselves as “demons”, the “abominations”. Even their expressions are the same, fear and sorrow and self-hatred. All they both want is to be accepted! (By their fathers especially). To be loved.

The two who are “cursed.”

1x02 - 1x01

*says nothing*

1x04 - 1x01

“Where to begin? With water or with fire?”

Where to begin? WHERE TO BEGIN??? *dies*

Water ☯ Fire

Sword up ☯ Sword down

Light/Day ☯ Dark/Shadow

Life & Death (Life around her, death in the water) ☯ Death & Life (forest fires make way for new growth)

Long bit: Both characters are associated to the elements of water and fire individually through the environment/cinematography/colour pallet/colour symbolism, and then water and fire is mirrored between them. She is overall water, he is overall fire; but they also have a bit of the other in each other.

For Nimue this symbolism is often done through her environment, showing her connection to nature as the fey queen and that she does not hide who she is if she can help it. She does not hide externally, so her elemental symbolism becomes EXTERNAL.

Whilst for Lancelot though he is often surrounded by fire, the idea of water/tears is either symbolised through the fairy tale style of the artwork or referenced for him through his name as “the weeping monk.” Hinted at in his characterisation of guilt and self-loathing, the way other characters respond to him (”the one who cries”/”you see it all through those weeping eyes”). His main conflict is an Internal fight between who he is and who he needs to become, so a lot of his main symbolism surrounding water (and even fire as pertaining to magic - ashfolk - and not killing fey) is INTERNALISED, hidden, cut off from the Hidden themselves. Symbolic of him hiding his connection to the fey and that other side of himself, the “human” (morally speaking) side, and therefore hiding who he truly is… Lancelot.

For Nimue, fire means life. Being chosen and her magic saving people. For Lancelot fire means Death, his deeds, “the fires of hell” and the destruction of the “ash” folk and his heritage. He believes hell fire is his fate, going by the “even if I am damned.”

For Nimue, water means death. In the water she takes revenge, where that Paladin almost drowned her. Into the water she falls, where they think her shot dead by arrows. The water is her fate as the Lady of the Lake. For Lancelot, water means life. Tears, emotions, taking responsibility, feeling the weight of his guilt and mourning for the things he has done/lost. For him, water - not ash -means a second chance to be better. To put out the fires and heal.

Though in the end, for both of them, water & fire most of all represent death and rebirth.

1x03

^If you don’t understand I can’t help you. ☯

1x01 - 1x07

Now this one I found quite interesting. Remember that even if Nimue directed the second one, it is still the Power/will of the Hidden at play. (Or should I say the will of the Writers/director) Chosen? Mirrors? Night and Day? Fire… Embers to Ashes? We shall see, but I think it was definitely on purpose.

^I’ll just leave that here, the fuckers kept missing each other for an entire season (WHICH WAS ON PURPOSE THE WRITERS DID THAT ON PURPOSE just as an fyi). The fact that there is this much sexual tension, anticipation, mirroring, fate, destiny and chemistry between two characters who have never even mET should be ILLEGAL! They affect each other immeasurably without ever even meeting, so imagine what will happen when they do...? *pterodactyl screech*

Whelp there ye go. Under the next gif I also did a bit on the Teaser trailer, as that just fucked me up a bit I have to tell you! Up to you whether you want to continue digesting my mad ramblings or not. *Shrug* Thanks for coming to my TED talk guys– 😂 Somebody fucking smite me down like the eldritch horror of writing I am dear god think of the children…

THE OFFICIAL TEASER TRAILER:

Arthur running for the Sword of Power, because you know, King Arthur.

“The Legend says…” The Legend of King Arthur and his Sword Excalibur/Caliburnus? The line is very meta, a reference to the in world legend that this story will create, but it’s also expecting the audience to be savvy of the actual legend of King Arthur and his knights. Both these ideas intertwined into one. Aka, the trailer expects us to have pre-decided expectations for the story we’re now being told, because we’ve already been told it before; this fairy tale of celtic myth/history. All the “spoilers” about Arthur, his lineage, Morgana, Guinevere, the Knights, even the lady of the Lake herself come with that knowledge. However…

Surprise surprise, the Weeping Monk (killer of fae)/ Lancelot (eventually Arthur’s most trusted KNIGHT) instead picks up the fae sword from it being embedded in the ground, subverting our expectation, it definitely fucking subverted mine, but not in a GOT way, in a ~good~ way. I was like, “Whosoever be this fine hooded fellow hath stole away both sword and my good sense!!! 👀”

Also harkening back to the legend of the sword in the stone (another expectation), which the action itself signifies that person be - as Merlin so eloquently puts - “The one true king.”

Ok… Symbolic wink wink nudge nudge towards his true nature (inside and out), saving Percival, potentially becoming the greatest warrior and protector of his people and eventually a Knight of the Round Table; and perhaps King of our Hearts??? Ok, sure thing “concept” trailer. I’ll bite.

Ok… *deep breath*

WHOMSt the fUCK decided to frame (fae “ashman”) ?Lancelot? with the ~SWORD OF KINGS~ (also of fae origin) A N D the line…‘the one true king’ ALL IN ONE… instead of Arthur?

‘BELONGS to the one true King?’ Belongs, hmm interesting word choice… This done in a worms eye view shot meant to make the viewer feel like the character is above/superior/basically we’re kneeling before them? (Which I mean sure? but…) Hmm??? HMMM??? I don’t understand CONCEPT Trailer what is the CONCEPT you’re trying to get across? One hand on his paladin sword and the other on “fae hope” Excalibur I get, he has to make an important decision, one that will either save his humanity (and his people) or destroy it (them), yeah yeah sure that’s F I N E…

…but what about the “KING” SHIT HMMM?? Is there something you would like to share with the rest of the class? *sips tea whilst staring straight into the camera*

it may mean nothing don’t quote me

…Anwaaaay… We all know in a fight Lancelot can kick Arthur’s ass so that’s not whats going on here. Arthur is P I S S E D. They’re not just bog standard enemies here. I mean WPM kicking him in the ribs was pretty “fuck you” and they were just enemies there. In this instance the sword is in play, Weeping Monk has taken something from Arthur that he feels “BELONGS” to him - in this case symbolised by WPM taking “his” sword - and that’s making it personal.

“You stole my sword ya bitch!” And what is the sword linked to? Power? Sure. The right of being a King? Yep. And also a certain Queen… No no no, this is the Concept of rivalry. It shows that whatever relationship Arthur and his “Knight” will have in the future after all the “die die die” starts to sizzle down will - in its genesis - be a rivalry. Probably mirroring Gawain and Arthur when they first met to an extent. A rivalry for power? For something else? Who Knows!

*whistles innocently*

And down down down he goes. He’s FALLING. There are many metaphorical concepts associated to FALLING… Falling from “grace” (in the eyes of the Church)… Falling because he has a sky full of guilt crashing down upon him… falling for h… falling in Lo… into the Water!!!! Until he is completely submerged. Water, the idea of cleansing, of washing away who you once were/trauma/sins of the past so you may be reborn a better version of yourself. His old ideals are defeated, he submits to his true heritage and allows it to wash around him so he may begin to heal.

Though if we’re talking metaphors, water is - for obvious reasons - always associated with the LADY OF THE LAKE… Nimue. He has fallen into her world. (pss he’s gonna fall for the Chick in the Lake - I think - there ye go). Water is associated to memory/reflections and mirrors. And he is CRASHING through this mirror… This idea of reflections/mirror images is even more ironic when you’ve watched the show.

And as he falls beneath the water with the sword of a King, she rises out of it, with the sword of a Queen… Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s in the biggest shipping hell of them all? Either these two are going to be really good at relay, or there’s some conceptual significance here. The specifics? No fecking clue, will need to wait for a season 2! There is also some interesting use of Z~oo~m in this last bit, but I’m sure it’s pretty obvious to you all. Summary: just visually in a concept “teaser” trailer, the zoom in on them both, the reverse mirroring, the literal and symbolic visual of water and the Sword (of rulers) connecting them frames these two characters together, that’s just in the concept trailer. Links their legend together. TBH IT LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE LANCELOT FELL INTO THE WATER AND TURNED INTO NIMUE WHAT IS THIS GREEK SOULMATE SHIT I’M–

*calms down* This trailer and the show also definitely said to the original Arthurian Legend “RIP but I’m different.” I mean, Nimue is definitely not Lancelot’s mother figure in this one, that’s all I’m saying.

I think this legend might be a wee bit different 😉*cackles*

#nimulot #nimulot meta #nimue x the weeping monk #nimue x weeping monk #cursed spoilers #nimue x lancelot #my meta #mad mimir meanderingly mumbles #Tumblr is my only escape for this - I wouldn't go near twitter with a thousand foot pole if my life depended on it #where to begin? I don't think I'll ever get over that line - I die every time #my pupper was literally like 'mum what the fuck are you doing writing this shit give me LOVES'#also Nimue owns my heart if Lancelot doesn't marry her I'm going to thanks BYE #my shitty humour~~

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afinepricklypear · 4 years

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Compare and Contrast: K Project vs. Bungou Stray Dogs - Part 3

**Disclaimer: I love both K Project and Bungou Stray Dogs. I highly recommend watching both of them. This series of Compare and Contrast posts I’m doing is merely for my own sake, to get these thoughts out of my head. If you are a fan of one show and not the other, please don’t read, or if you do, save your bashing comments for like-minded antis elsewhere. If you have not seen both, there are a lot of Spoilers ahead, please don’t read. I am heavily critical of both shows, so if you are someone who cannot handle negative things being said (I try not to outright bash and just provide reasonable evidence from the material to back my stances) about your favorite fandom or characters please don’t read. Thank you! ***

Read Part 1, Part 2

Characters

Both Bungo Stray Dogs and K feature ensemble casts, with large numbers of characters. That being said, the shows have vastly different approaches for how they handle those characters and those approaches impact the way they come across for the viewer.

One of the things that K does a hell of a lot better than BSD, is fleshing out and managing of its characters. This may in part be due to the fact, K doesn’t attempt to give all of its characters a starring space in the story. It’s comfortable letting some characters fall into the background, allocating them to the role of side characters. There are only a few members of each of our main clans (Silver, Red, Blue, and later, Green) that are given attention and the rest of the clansmen (Red and Blue are the only clans shown to have notable clans members who regularly show up and are given names and little else outside of our mains) fall to the background. For some people, this may be frustrating, as we don’t learn a whole lot about the rest of Scepter 4 or HOMRA in the anime, but narratively, I’m comfortable with it because I’m not asked by the show to care about those characters, and the characters that I’m meant to care about are given adequate screen time to develop them into someone who’s story I am invested in. That being said, K does have moments that utterly flop. Scepter 4, for me, beyond Fushimi, is an absolute failure in presenting itself as a likeable or, even, relatable organization of individuals (Full disclosure, I hate Munakata, and while Awashima has potential, she’s treated by the series as little more than a miniskirt and bad boob job obsessed with Munakata). They seem to be there only to be obnoxious. I get the sense they were originally intended to be viewed as villains, but they became so popular following the first season, that the creators tried to treat them more as heroes in the movie and second season. However, it was painfully obvious in the final episode of K: Seven Stories – Nameless Circle, as the surviving members of the Green, Red, Silver, and good Colorless clan members (Yukari and Kuroh) enjoyed their final farewells with their fallen clansmen (I dare you not to cry when Mikoto and Totsuka pour Kusanagi a glass and Yata takes Anna’s hand in the background), that Scepter 4 staring up at Munakata’s lost Sword of Damocles was the least humanized of the Clans. They lost nothing, they felt nothing, their presence in Nameless Circle was nearly pointless beyond fan service. Likewise, K heavily drops the ball in Season 1 with its primary antagonist, the Evil Colorless King, who’s back history, motivations, and even his (her?) name remain a mystery to date.

BSD starts out with an already large cast, and while Atsushi and Dazai might arguably be the “main” characters of the show, starring roles in various arcs and episodes are given to the other characters, as well. Most of those episodes, however, can easily be relegated to the “filler” pile. On top of this, BSD continually introduces increasing numbers of characters, it also likes to bump characters up from side character to more main character type roles, which only serves to take limited screen time from the initial cast of characters and ultimately fails to give itself enough space to flesh out the cast. Time constraints, of course, doesn’t always mean a character can’t be adequately developed (see the first ten minutes of Pixar’s Up for how it’s done right), but possibly, because of this limitation, BSD has a tendency to fall back on telling instead of showing. It also feels like many of its characters were not fully developed in the creator’s minds (this appears to have been confirmed in several interviews with the creators) when they started their story, so that when those backgrounds are revealed, especially in those far too often instances where characters that have interacted in past episodes and given no indication of a history between them are newly revealed to have a connections to one another. It feels tacked on and last minute, and consistency of characterizations is lost. As previously discussed in a past post for this Review Series, this may also be due to the fact that K was envisioned as a self-contained story, and BSD seems to have been developed as an ongoing serial without a predetermined ending.

For these next several posts, I want to do more individualized character analyses, but to keep things simple, I will only focus on the characters of K that are given focus in the story and I’ll try to reference only its anime (just to be fair, because I’ve read all of K’s extra materials, and have not for BSD because I lack access in my country). Likewise, I’m only going to talk about BSD’s characters from the Armed Detective Agency and the Port Mafia, as well as, a few key villains like Shibusawa, Fitzgerald, and Fyodor. Once again, I will attempt to keep to only what’s been revealed in the anime.

A reasonable starting point on character analysis for these two shows would be our sort-of main protagonists. Although, BSD and K are both ensemble anime, they do each feature a character that may ostensibly be considered the “main” character, in the sense that they kick off our main events and are positioned as integral to all subsequent storylines. For BSD, that character is Nakajima Atsushi, and for K, that character is Yashiro “Shiro” Isana. Interestingly (maybe), these characters share a similar aesthetic. Both are young males, with white hair and light-colored eyes, they are also both small, waif-like, bishounen that might be better suited to a shojo or even yaoi anime, rather than leads on a seinen series.

At the start of both series, Atsushi and Shiro, respectively, find themselves thrust into a world of supernatural powered people in which they are targeted for reasons to be revealed throughout the story. The greatest similarity between these two, however, is that they are both weak characters. Neither one proves interesting enough to shoulder the responsibilities as main character of the show. You would be hard pressed in either fandom to find someone who would name Atsushi or Shiro as their favorite character. I’m not saying these fans don’t exist, because they do, they are just few and far between.

Shiro spends the first half of the first season trying to avoid being killed by the Red Clan, who believes he killed their Clansman, Tatara Totsuka, at the same time, he is trying to convince his reluctant ally and potential executioner, Kuroh, that he isn’t the Evil Colorless King responsible for Totsuka’s death. Atsushi’s story, on the other hand, begins with him finding out he’s an ability user that shapeshifts into a white tiger, and, subsequently, being rescued and recruited into the Armed Detective Agency by Dazai. Then the Port Mafia begins hunting him because a bounty has been placed on his head, conveniently only after he’s learned that he is the white tiger that he believed had been hunting him his entire life, he’s joined the ADA, and Dazai has the chance to warn him with a picture of Akutagawa “beware of this bad boy” mere hours before Akutagawa attacks him.

The initial drawback with both of these characters is that they are merely victims of the plot and not helping to drive the plot forward in anyway. Shiro only becomes invested in determining why there’s video footage of him murdering Totsuka because Kuroh demands he provide evidence that he’s not the Evil Colorless King or he’ll face justice at the end of Kuroh’s blade. When Atsushi learns about the bounty on his head that Port Mafia is pursuing, rather than show interest in why anyone would want to capture him (alive, to boot), he “nobly” decides to run away, in his naivete believing that it would spare the ADA war with Port Mafia.

Throughout the K story, we do see real change in Shiro’s investment in his own mystery when it’s revealed that his memories, and the memories his classmates have of him, are not real, but fabricated and imposed upon him and those in close proximity by the cat girl that’s obsessed with him, Neko, AKA Official Provider of Fanservice #1. This provides a further explanation for why he’s so lackluster about pursuing the truth, she’s been bending his reality and his perception of it from the start. It isn’t until her ability and how she’s been using it is revealed, and she runs off in humiliation and panic, that Shiro begins to actively pursue the truth. Even before this, however, Shiro is shown to be a wily and clever character who is quite self-sufficient. In his first meeting with Kuroh, he’s able to escape Kuroh’s justice by lying and manipulating the swordsman. He later throws off the Red Clansmen pursuing him by appearing just as Kuroh is facing off against a very annoyed Yata and calling out to Kuroh as though they are allies. This falls in line nicely with the big reveal of Shiro’s true identity as the Silver King, Adolf K. Weissman. In flashbacks to an unnamed great war (FYI, people speculate this was WWII, which, fun fact, would make Adolf a Nazi, but because this story takes place in an alternate history of the world, it’s equally possible Nazis never existed), we see that Adolf was originally researching the Dresden Slate, a mysterious artifact capable of granting people mysterious powers.

As Adolf, Shiro is shown to be a light-hearted, goofy man with no place in war or battle (consistent with what we’ve already seen in the show). Nothing of his character feels last minute retconned, and no previously unheard of connections are revealed to other existing characters in the show that haven’t been heavily hinted at or already explained. He believes that his research will be helpful in granting people their wishes throughout the world, yet when his sister is killed during an air raid, he runs away, leaving his research and the Slate with his friend, a Japanese military officer who becomes the Gold King and curator of the artifact. This turn of events does grant Shiro greater weight as a main character, and an importance in the plot that doesn’t feel contrived or heavy handed. Hints exist early on that Shiro is not who he thinks he is, starting with his high school classmate, Kukuri noting in introductory scene that she feels like he’ll disappear if she takes her eyes off of him. After all, one of the things that K is often praised for is its mastery of foreshadowing, this comes from having a very clear idea of the entire story its creators hoped to tell and a firm grasp of the connections between all of its characters.

That said, Shiro still remains throughout the story as relatively uninteresting, serving more as a plot device rather than a character. After the Blue Clan, the Silver Clan is the second least relatable and their scenes in Nameless Circle also remain a bit ‘meh’ as the “losses” the Silver Clan experienced throughout the anime were far removed from the actual plot. They didn’t resonate. We see, in Nameless Circle, Adolf’s sister and the younger version of his lost friend, the Gold King, enjoying breakfast with the Silver Clan every morning on repeat. Yet, Adolf’s sister was never developed beyond “here’s a tragic thing that happened in Adolf’s past”, so it’s hard to really feel her loss. She isn’t a person but a plot device, used to reveal more of Adolf/Shiro’s character rather than having anything of her own. As for the Gold King, he suffers the same fate as Adolf’s sister, but also, he lived a long life, and died of old age, so his death isn’t any kind of tragedy in the same sense as Mikoto, Totsuka, or Nagare’s deaths. There’s certainly a melancholy to these scenes, Adolf misses his friends, but it doesn’t pull at the heart strings, quite the way the Red and Green Clans losses do.

The real reason that Atsushi is being pursued at the start of the manga is yet to be resolved. We’re given a loose explanation, a foreign organization known as the Guild put the bounty on his head because allegedly his ability is the key to finding some powerful book that can manipulate reality. When the main antagonist of the Guild, Fitzerald, is defeated, this explanation and Atsushi’s importance becomes all but forgotten in subsequent arcs featuring new villain, Fyodor Dostoevsky. Atsushi himself can best be described as whiny and severely underdeveloped. He continues to be a victim of the plot just dragging him along, but worse, he quickly becomes one note with the constant flashback to his Orphanage’s director telling him he’s useless and doesn’t belong anywhere. There are entire scenes dedicated to this refrain causing him to full-scale breakdown into bouts of self-doubt. All I can say is he was eighteen when he was “kicked out” of the orphanage, he had zero work experience, and when we find him at the start of the story, he’s only been on his own a couple weeks and is already considering turning to assault and thievery to survive. Considering that Dazai and Chuuya were sixteen when they became Executives in the Port Mafia, Kunikida is only twenty-two and has already had a successful career as a teacher before becoming a detective with the ADA, Kenji is fourteen when we find him at the ADA and a former hard-working farmhand, Kyouka is a capable fourteen year old assassin before joining the ADA, Lucy is eighteen and comes from a similar abusive background and is already busting her ass to work for the Guild and then the ADA’s favorite Coffee Shop (jobs she got herself, thank you very much, for spending anytime looking for her like you promised, Atsushi, you jerk), and so on…I’m inclined to side with the orphanage director: Atsushi is useless. It’s a good thing they kicked him out, or he’d probably still be a bum surviving off social welfare the rest of his life.

I also can’t help but agree with Akutagawa, Atsushi has practically had everything handed to him and yet still manages to pull a pity party routine on the regular. It isn’t long after getting kicked out of the orphanage that he’s taken under Dazai’s wing and handed a job with the ADA. This wouldn’t be so terrible if he didn’t constantly squander it, and consistently prove that he doesn’t earn it. It’s hard to like him, especially when the author seems to be bending the story over backwards to give him some semblance of importance in the plot to the point it hurts the narrative. This is best exemplified in Dead Apple. Throughout the entire movie, we see every other character acting to bring the plot forward, meanwhile, Atsushi spends the entire time whining that they need to find Dazai, because Dazai will know what to do. Bitch, Dazai is busy trying to outsmart two super smart bad guys; he doesn’t have time to also prop you up on your own damn feet. It gets so bad that even Kyouka becomes fed up and leaves him. It really says something that the majority of comments for the movie on CrunchyRoll are complaining about how whiny Atsushi is throughout the movie.

While some people are quick to defend Atsushi by pointing to his abusive childhood to excuse his behavior, it is worth noting, he is not the only character that has an abusive past and he is far from being the character who has suffered the most abuse, and that’s including the odd growth on the side of Dead Apple’s plot that is the inexplicable, unnecessary, and might I add, ridiculous connection that was made between him and Shibusawa at the last minute that only raised more questions than answers and created huge plot holes. Atsushi’s travel companions in Dead Apple, Kyouka and Akutagawa, both have their own history of being abused. Just to underline Akutagawa’s complaint that Atsushi has everything and manages to forsake it all, Akutagawa was abused by Dazai, whereas, Atsushi is saved, fawned over, and praised by Dazai seemingly only for the sake of further tormenting Akutagawa. This continues to contribute to making Atsushi a weak character that I find difficult to really like all that much or see as having anything more than a forced relevance to the plot.

Atsushi does have redeemable moments in his interactions with Kyouka and Lucy. With the aforementioned Dead Apple aside, Atsushi is often at his best when he is with Kyouka. She sees him as her savior, and it reflects in the way that he treats her, being seen that way helps to boost him from pitiful status to someone that may actually have potential as a hero. As for Lucy, because she has a similar life history as Atsushi (abused orphan with matching burn marks), he can’t get away with the same woe is me lines that he throws at every one else. She’s got the same kind of past and manages to stand on her own two feet, forcing him to also rise up to meet her. Both of these girls have tragic histories, but seek to lift themselves up from those histories and stand their own ground, which serves to lift Atsushi as well, unlike with other characters that only patronize, validate, or outright feed into his insecurities leaving me playing on my phone hoping his scenes end quickly. More interactions between Atsushi and Kyouka, Atsushi and Lucy, or all three together would be a welcome addition in Season 4. These babies build each other up, and it’s beautiful to see.

At the end of the day, Shiro and Atsushi are prime examples of the “perfectly innocent protagonist whose only flaw is their own self-doubt” and exemplify why this type of a character is always, ultimately a failure. They’re bright eyed, they’re kind, without internal debate they always make the right choice, everyone is drawn to them because they are light and goodness, I guess, and even when they are clearly the weakest in a fight, they always come out on top without working towards bettering themselves in anyway beyond putting in some old-fashioned good guy gumption. This is so painstakingly evident in Atsushi, who receives zero training upon joining the ADA, and is expected to battle (and is successful) against exceedingly powerful bad guys on the regular. Contrast this against Akutagawa, who we see underwent harsh training from the Port Mafia, yet still manages to always lose in his battles against the untrained Atsushi. Proving yet again, that you don’t need hard work to become the best, when you got the power of good on your side. Self-doubt exhibited by these types of characters never rings true, because we see them always get their way, everything turns out fine for them in the end, they never encounter lasting consequences for their choices (at one point in BSD, Akutagawa mocks Atsushi that everyone around him dies, but we have yet to see anyone he cares about die – the only person’s death that we see him have to deal with is his Orphanage Director that was coming to visit him with flowers and probably apologize for being a jerk, and his struggle there is with whether he’s allowed to still hate the guy or not, I mean, come on), and everyone around them that matters respects and dotes on them even before them being shown to truly do anything that should earn that respect and affection. I still don’t fully understand what compelled Kuroh to swear loyalty to Shiro, if I’m being perfectly honest, when Shiro is a lay-about, coward and liar, that ditches his clan in the end to soul search in his airship. Though, I will note, Shiro does demonstrate this character type a mite less than Atsushi. He’s not often shown to come out on top in battles, he doesn’t actually engage in any physical battle himself (his fight with Nagare at the end of Missing Kings, not withstanding, because he’s really just blocking that whole time waiting for Kuroh to show up and do the heavy lifting), he typically needs to rely on the strength and intelligence of others, and is more often than not shown running away. Also, Shiro is never really put into a position where he needs to make any hard, moral choices which has its own drawbacks for a main character in a show where a lot of hard, gray moral choices are being made around him.

I have seen it commented in defense of these characters’ weaknesses that the main character of a shonen/seinen story are always weak. This is not true, and I will point to one of my all-time favorite characters from any anime, as example: Edward Elric of Fullmetal Alchemist (both versions of the anime). Ed is badass, he earns his name as Fullmetal, and he earns his title as the youngest State Alchemist. We see him earn it as we watch him and his brother, Alphonse’s journey to become stronger, yet he also makes mistakes. It is his own arrogance that kicks off the entire anime when, in the Elric brother’s attempt to bring their mother back to life using forbidden Alchemy, Ed loses his arm and then his leg to save his brother who has lost his entire body. Their journey to find the philosopher stone for Ed is entirely about restoring his brother, he doesn’t care about his own body and, in fact, views his missing limbs as his own deserved punishment for challenging God, and throughout we see how their moral failing in the past effects all of their choices going forward. We know why Ed makes the choices he does; it isn’t merely because he is the “perfectly innocent protagonist that exudes light and good”; it is because he has learned from his mistakes. His naivete is not shown as a benefit, but as something to overcome. Ed is always acting on his own motives, while the plot is being driven forward by other characters around him, he is not merely a victim of the plot or being dragged along by it, his own actions and goals also help to forward the story and eventually brings him in direct conflict with the big bad. He struggles under the weight of the choices he’s made, he bears the burden of those he couldn’t save, he doesn’t leave the heavy lifting of gray moral decisions to the other characters, he’s seen to struggle and even lose in the anime, and in those instances, we watch him work to better himself so that he can come back stronger. We know where his power comes from – he trained and studied for it; it was never handed to him. Throughout the anime he is shown to literally and figuratively grow and develop into a powerful hero that we can believe is capable of overcoming our main antagonist, Father, in the end, but not without losses and struggle. This is a protagonist done right. Compared against Ed, the failings of both Shiro and Atsushi is glaring.

That is all I have to say about those two. Next up will be the Black Dog of the Silver Clan versus the Black Dog of Port Mafia.

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