#tw past emotional abuse

[gufettogrigio]

Bastian contrario

Grimaud's cemetery is grim in the rain. Damon is the one who has had the forethought to bring an umbrella and wouldn't mind sharing but there's not much point. The wet gravel crunches under Jacques' sneakers a few feet in front of him, his steps almost a run. Damon has to bite his tongue. If they shouldn't be seen, why are they here?

Didier Pironi's tomb is unassumingly lined up in a row of others, him and his brother side by side. There's a few flowers, some in pots, some not. Jacques hasn't brought any.

He stands there, in his t-shirt and baggy jeans, stubborn under the rain, just a step away from the shelter of Damon's umbrella. 

"He had a lot of my father's things." - Jacques says  - "My dad never cared enough to have a journal, not enough patience, but he'd keep all of the train tickets, hotel receipts, the flyers and so on. All bunched up in folders. Pironi sorted them out for me in years and gave them to me."

"I didn't know you two talked."

There's a shrug. "He didn't want to. I am very stubborn." 

The rain doesn't let on. Damon considers it a victory that when Jacques decides to sit cross-legged on the gravel in front of the grave, he lets Damon sit by his side with the umbrella. He's soaked through, his bleached blond hair plastered to his forehead, his round glasses fogged up by the rain.

"Once, we were in Monaco, Jody and Pironi came over. I was at the table doing my homework and they came into the room and stayed there talking." 

He takes his glasses off. "I fucked up. I am not good at math."

Jacques says them but they are not his words. It doesn't make them a lie if you believe them. Damon hears what is not said: he has seen Jacques do math for the cars. He's good. A child of eight or nine should not be expected to be 'good'.

"Dad got mad and then got even madder because I knocked the pencil sharpenings over when I scrambled to try and fix the mistakes. He never…he never hit me. Not once. He would just walk out the room like I wasn't interesting anymore. I wasn't a very interesting child. Sometimes my mum wasn't a very interesting woman."

Jacques tilts his head, fingers gripping the tin frame of his glasses. He's never still. Damon knows the look on his face, PR proper. Lie,lie, lie. Keep the family secrets. How dare you do otherwise? But you forfeit your hand when you've killed yourself in a car and Jacques is here in sneakers and a t-shirt and all four wheels on the tarmac. 

"My first real memory of Pironi is him with pencil all over his hands from picking up the sharpenings, sitting next to me doing primary school math."

 He drops the glasses in the gravel and reaches out, the tips of his fingers grazing the headstone. "Didi knew who my father was. Didi saw what I saw. He loved my father anyway. He just wasn't blind. He always made me feel like I wasn't insane for thinking that my father was a horrible person. He also made me feel a lot less guilty for adoring him anyway. And if I win the Championship, I'll bring it to Didi first."

#Jacques & Damon #tiny fic #villeroni #hinted though #tw mention of car crash #tw death #tw past trauma #tw past emotional abuse #the intricacies of loving with your eyes wide open when the rest of the world sees what they want to see #I am not kind to Gilles #Jacques is a rebellious little shit #Damon is along for the ride

[promptsforyourwhumpfic]

Whump Prompt #1195

Submitted by Anon - thanks!

Tw: Abuse

Two sibling whumpee’s were adopted by another family. The eldest was adopted at birth, but the younger one was adopted at around three/four years old.

The prior family was an incredibly abusive royal family that for some reason or another, deemed both unworthy.

Now, as fully grown adults and trying to take down the empire, the younger sibling never really talks about their time with their bio family.

The two break into the castle to get a specific relic or something needed to help turn the tide in the war and almost get caught before the youngest frantically leads the eldest to a secret hiding place.

Inside is covered in dusty drawings and toys from where the youngest sibling spent most of their time hiding all those years back.

All the while both whumpee’s can hear their bio dad, the whumper, outside threatening them and revealing more about youngest sibling’s past. Whumper knows that they’re in the castle but doesn’t know where, so after awhile of getting insanely close to the hiding place, whumper leaves to look elsewhere.

Eldest sibling feels guilty for ever asking the youngest about their bio family now. And while they sit there for a few hours to let the heat go down to escape, they sift through the old drawings and the youngest sibling finally opens up.

#i like it! #whump #writing #prompts #angst #tw: abuse #tw: childhood trauma #past trauma #hiding places #opening up #emotional whump #fear

[sqquidzz]

Scars or No Scars ~ Tanjiro x M!reader

Kamado Tanjiro x M!reader angst

Summary: You and Tanjiro are best friends, but when he walks in on you changing by accident and sees all your childhood scars, you're afraid he won't see you the same way ever again.

Tags: Tanjiro x M!reader, scars, mentions of traumatic past, past abuse, physical abuse, angst to fluff, insecure reader, mentions of unnaturally skinny body, etc.

A/N: My first time writing angst! I was kinda stumped on what to do, so just decided to write up some good old Tanjiro angst. Hope you enjoy!

It had all happened so quickly. At one moment, it was just a daily thing, now, it meant life or death.

You and Tanjiro had met for the first time at final selection. You had saved him from an attack coming from behind, but before he could say anything to you, you had rushed away, determined to fight your own battles.

You both only got to converse properly during the aftermath of the selection, Tanjiro coming up to you and thanking you a million times for protecting him.

You were never a conversational person, always keeping to yourself, staying to the side as you watched others converse, never making a move yourself to make any friends.

Tanjiro was the first exception.

He had been your first friend since when you were 7, you both did everything together, missions, training, even chores when you decided to help around the butterfly estate.

But one day, everything was going to change.

______________________

Knock Knock Knock

"Y/N! Are you ready?"

You hear Tanjiro calling for you faintly as you stare at your reflection. Though it was a long time ago, your scars still hand't faded entirely, still promanently showing on your skin as you sigh in dissapointment. You run your hands over a multitude of scars across your stomach, able to feel you ribs as you ran your hand across them because of how little you ate.

"Mhm..." You simply hum out as you dry your hair and turn away from the mirror to open the door.

What you didn't expect was for Tanjiro to be in your room, looking at the window.

You had no time to react before he turned as saw your bare chest, all the scars littered on your skin from your past predicaments.

Tanjiro's eyes widened as he stared at you, raking his eyes across your pathetic form as you stare right back.

But before he could say anything, you run into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it as you put your back toward it, sliding down into a seated position.

"Y/N! Don't hide, please come out! I'm not mad or anything," Tanjiro says through the door as you curl up on the cold stone floor. It suddenly starts getting harder to breath as all the worst possibilities come to your mind. Tanjiro will be disgusted, Tanjiro won't want to be your friend anymore, Tanjiro will hate you, Tanjiro will-

"Y/N, listen to me!" you hear Tanjiro yell from outside the bathroom, causing your eyes to widen and your self depreciating thoughts to cease their torment on your mind.

"I know you probably think that I'm going to be all like 'Oh Y/N is so ugly' or 'I don't like Y/N anymore', but that's not true. Scars or no scars, you are still the same kindhearted person that saved me at final selection," Tanjiro says, catching you off guard for how sweet but firm he sounded.

"No matter how you look, or what you've been through, I will always be there for you," he whispers, and that breaks the dam, tears flowing freely from your eyes as you sob loudly, all the abuse and trauma from your past slowly being brought out through your sobs.

Tanjiro tries to open the door, and you slightly shift over so that your back is against the stone wall behind the door.

He makes his way inside, closing the door again as to not be disturbed and wraps you in a warm, gentle hug. Suddenly, the floor doesn't seem so cold anymore. He holds you, shushing you and reassuring you that it was okay, and that you were going to be fine, helping you calm down slowly from your cascade of tears.

You wipe your eyes, whispering out a small thank you as he holds you closer, the side of your head on his chest so that you can hear the steady beat of his heart going, Thump Thump, Thump Thump.

"Now, do you want to tell me where you got all those scars from," Tanjiro asks in a sweet voice, and you can tell that he's trying to make sure he doesn't sound like he's pushing you.

You had never liked talking about your past, it brought back too many painful memories of all the beatings, burning, and abuse that came with your childhood.

You simply take a deep breath, and then you start to explain how you were treated as a child. How you were considered a failure, a nuisance compared to your siblings. You told him how your parents used to berate you verbally, going to the extent of etching in the scars on your body with knives and searing irons.

Tanjiro said nothing, he just simply listened as you told about your suffering in your childhood, and how you had escaped and trained yourself to create a new breathing technique, the breath of shadows.

As you concluded your story, Tanjiro tightened his grip on you, keeping you firmly in place as he says, "I'm glad you trust me enough to tell your story, but I think that your scars don't determine who you truly are," he whispers, softly stroking your short hair.

"You now is very different from you then, but no matter who you are, I will always love you," he smiles as you feel yourself turn red. Did he just confess to you?! Should you tell him that you feel the same way? Your mind was going into overdrive as Tanjiro chuckled at you, making your face turn even more red, a shade that rivaled the tomato itself.

"I- I love you too," you whisper out as you snuggle into his warm embrace. You are still naked, but you don't care anymore, all you care about is that Tanjiro accepted who you truly are, scars or no scars.

#light angst #Scars #fluff #tanjiro fluff #heartwarming #happy ending #angst #tw abuse #past trauma #confession #tanjiro x reader #tanjiro x you #tanjiro x y/n #childhood trauma #emotional abuse #male reader #Tanjiro x male reader #tanjiro angst #tanjiro kny #tanjiro kimetsu no yaiba #tanjiro kamado #demon slayer kimetsu no yaiba #kny x reader #kny #demon slayer #demon slayer x reader #demon slayer angst #demon slayer fluff #demon slayer x you

[aftgficrec]

Hey! I love your page and getting fic recs! Do you have any fics where Neil goes or agrees to go to therapy? I’m good with Bee or someone else as the therapist too. It can be canon or an au. Thanks so much! :))

I was pleasantly surprised by how much we found for you! -A

previous recs:

‘another life to live’ here

‘Oakland’ here (completed)

‘you’ve been locked in here forever (and you just can’t say goodbye)’ here (updated)

‘If it means protecting you (I’ll pay my dues)’ here (updated)

‘Interlaced’ here (updated)

‘Regrowth,’ ‘To Be Close With You Is To Be Close With Myself,’ ‘I took a breath and took the knife,’ and ‘flashes of intimacy’ ch 4 here

‘call me in the afternoon’ here

‘The Wild Fox Den’ and ‘Roses Grow Between Bone’ here

‘(My Heart) Pierced By a Pin’ here (completed)

‘The Sun Still Rises’ here (updated)

‘day by day’ here

‘the shuffling of cards’ here

‘Ain’t it fun’ here

‘Breathe, idiot’ here

‘Healing’ series part 1 here, part 3 here (completed)

‘The Fear of Being Known’ here

‘That one party’ series and ‘keep telling me that it gets better (does it ever?)’ here

‘Affection can be shown in so many ways’ here

‘Ghost of You’ here 

‘Make This Leap (Geronimo)’ here

‘Tenuous’ here

‘There is Nothing You Can Say’ here (completed)

‘of ice blue eyes & twisted veins’ here

‘don't break the glass’ (completed) here

‘Bad Apple’ here 

‘Phantom Pains’ here

‘Therapy’ here

‘Birds of a Feather’ here (updated)

‘In which Neil had Aspergers and Andrew finds out.’ here 

‘For You I'd Bleed Myself Dry’ here (updated)

‘I Wanna Get Better’ here 

‘on the tip of my tongue (say something)’ parts 6 & 8 here

and more:

‘Ember’ here (completed)

‘leave the room (with a little dignity)’ here

‘Art Hoe’ here

‘Blame It On My Youth’ here (updated)

‘Black as is the Raven, He’ll Get a Partner’ (here)

‘Our body’ series, part 1 here, part 3 here, part 5 here

‘and all the roads will disappear’ here

‘crossed out’ here

‘Double Trouble’ series here

‘i had a dream (where you couldn't hear me screaming)’ and ‘hold me close, in fact bury me’ here 

‘Just closed eyes with nothing behind’ here

‘doubt thou the stars be fire’ here

‘SCAR TISSUE’ here

‘Lighter Fluid’ here

you may also like:

‘The Sound’ here

historians by cielalune [Rated M, 21508 Words, Complete, 2023]

He remembers when she didn’t smell of ash, but perfume. The times they’d play the radio to fill the quiet of the car, and she’d hum along. How she never missed a single exy practice, and cheered for him each time. She wasn’t all too different from Cass in the end. Just because she was dead didn’t mean she was buried. Five times Neil tries to come to closure about the person Mary Hatford was, and the one time he accepts who she came to be.

tw: heavily referenced child abuse, tw: heavily referenced rape/noncon, tw: heavily referenced csa, tw: heavily referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: sleep paralysis, tw: depressive episode, tw: flashbacks with blood & gore, tw: panic attacks, tw: dissociation, tw: victim blaming

Mommy Dearest by chronically_peach [Rated G, 915 Words, Complete, 2022]

Neil doesn’t talk about his mother much but Andrew knows it’s a touchy subject for the redhead. After a session with Betsy Neil admits he’s been thinking about his mother and allows Andrew a glimpse into who Mary Hatford really was.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

Pain of a Forgotten Face series by Rose_vine [Collection, 2 complete works, Updated 2021]

Part 1: Pain of a Forgotten Face [M, 3086 Words] Neil Josten is awoken by a face in his nightmares from twelve years ago, a face he barely remembers. When he tries to brush it off and go to practice, he realizes too late that some memories refuse to let themselves be forgotten.

tw: ptsd, tw: panic attacks, tw: nightmares, tw: hallucinations, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: blood/gore

Part 2: A Hand to Hold Me Back From The Cliff [Not Rated, 2132 Words] After Neil collapses on the court from a flashback from when he was younger, Andrew convinces him to go to therapy. This is his first session with Bee, and it is only Andrew at his side that gives him the strength to walk through the door.

tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

After the Beep by kanekei [Rated T, 1030 Words, Incomplete, Updated Sept 2023]

Neil works through his relationship with his dead mother by leaving her voice messages that she'll never hear. It’s healthy, Bee says. He can’t help but think having the Minyards as patients has skewed her perception of what that word means. The number you have reached is not available. Please leave your message after the beep.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced violence

The Foxes by akaashisramen [Not Rated, 3386 Words, Incomplete, Updated July 2023]

Trans Neil is on the run from his father and goes to his uncles house. His uncle promises him protection and allows him to play Exy as long as he goes to group therapy to process his mothers death.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: graphic nightmares, tw: implied/referenced torture

someday, we'll grow by nopunintended [Rated G, 2078 Words, Complete, 2021]

Andrew and Neil see Betsy for a couple's therapy session per Andrew's request.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

Couples Therapy by P0tatonoah [Rated T, 2014 Words, Complete 2020]

I got a lot of comments (like 3 or 4) on my breakup fic asking for a part 2 where Neil and Andrew patch things up and live happily ever after… This is not it. But you can read it as an alternative ending if you want. 

tw: implied/referenced nonconsensual touch, tw: implied/referenced violence

NB: find P0tatonoah’s andreil break up fic ‘Home...?’ here

They sicken of the calm, they who know the storm by EdgySpaghetti [Not Rated, 3162 Words, Complete, 2023]

After storm there always comes the sun. People born into the storm, who growing up sees only black clouds and lightnings striking everywhere, just learn how to live with it, how to protect themselves from cold, wind and rain. They recognize the pattern, know that lightning will struck sooner or later and are prepared for it. What are those people to do when there is no more dark clouds? They don't know how to live in this environment, how to dress to not get too hot and how to prevent potential sunburnt. They never had to do that before. They're still expecting the lightnings.

tw: ptsd, tw: anxiety, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: anger issues

Can I finally stop running now? by gracefromspace [Rated T, 12110 Words, Complete, 2023]

Neil is intrigued by a blonde baker with piercings, two therapy cats and strong arms.

tw: heavily referenced torture, tw: flashbacks with blood/gore, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: anxiety, tw: negative self image

can't blame it on my youth by PoolToast22 [Rated G, 2650 Words, Complete, 2022]

The one where Neil Josten is Fine TM. But he's also in therapy. And today Bee decided to ask him that question.

hold on to happiness by minyarday [Rated T, 551 Words, Complete, 2020]

"self esteem had never been something Neil cared about. when you are a runaway that don't even have a place to call home, you learn to prioritize certain things and forget others" only that now he has the time to think about it

I'll Come Back To You by mostly_maudlin [Rated T, 6900 Words, Complete, 2022]

Some of the things he’s learned today feel like stories about someone else: Neil switched to playing striker at a tiny high school in Arizona. Aaron lives in Chicago with his wife. Andrew’s cousin calls Neil every Tuesday, because Andrew is too stubborn to pick up the phone himself. But other things are clear truths, even if they’re more abstract: Neil’s mother died. Andrew is safe. Neil was supposed to stay, but part of him is gone. - - - - It's about dreams, reality, trust, patience, and determination. It's about making promises and keeping them. You'll figure out the rest.

tw: car accidents, tw: major character injury, tw: implied/referenced violence

I will help you swim by unojonex [Rated E, 11699 Words, Incomplete, Updated Oct 2022]

He’s slowed down, stayed in one place for more than a few months and it's all caught up with him. In his sleep, ghosts of his past haunt him. And they have no mercy. Dreams and imagination swirl together in a confusing mix of nightmares that don't go away, even when he's awake. -- basically Neil and Andrew getting together while also dealing with a lot of trauma

tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: implied/refererenced torture, tw: heavily referenced child abuse, tw: suicide ideation, tw: graphic nightmares with blood/gore, tw: dissociation, tw: hallucinations, tw: panic attacks

But Touch My Tears with Your Lips by transjorts [Rated M, 4070 Words, Complete, AFTG Mixtape Exchange 2022]

Andrew is sitting across from him, expression neutral, fork in hand. He’d dragged the tinnes across the plate—purposefully, if Neil had to guess. Andrew has already cut the burrito up into tiny pieces and spears one morsel on the fork, lifting it to his mouth. “Hi,” Neil says. Andrew chews, very deliberately. “Do you feel better?” Neil frowns. “What?” Andrew eats another bite. “Did all that running make you feel better?” Neil sighs and glances down, noticing that his water has been refilled. He takes a sip. “No.”

tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced sexual assault, tw: nightmares, tw: dissociation

let's just sit awhile by artiest [Rated M, 17291 Words, Complete. 2022, Locked]

Neil and Andrew don't have to keep fighting for their survival. They can settle now. It's hard, but they're trying. OR: During Neil's second year in Palmetto State, him and Andrew learn to take care of each other.

tw: severe mental health issues, tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced torture,  tw: nightmares with blood/gore, tw: flashbacks,  tw: dissociation, tw: violence, tw: homophobia, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: vomit, tw: alcohol abuse/alcholism

I could never give you peace by freshtaylorswiftduck [Rated T, 3407 Words, Complete. 2022]

Neil has both bad and good days. Today is a bad day.

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: panic attacks

10 tips to stress less, without the tips by lumos_max [Rated T, 5404 Words, Complete, AFTG Exchange Fall 2020]

A lonely Neil lets his therapist bully him into checking out the clinic's support group without too much fuss, but little did he know he wouldn't be checking out the group that day, instead meeting a dramatic hunk of a man who drives a fancy car and forgets to wipe the cream off the corner of his lip. It's only fair that Neil tries to do it for him, right?

tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

“God, I have my father’s eyes.” by perks_of_being_a_writer [Rated T, 673 Words, Complete, 2022]

This is based on Family Line by Conan Gray. In this short story, Neil is at a therapy appointment where he and Betsy dive into his parental issues. This covers Neil’s abuse from both parents (because, yes, Mary was abusive and a bad mother). This is Neil learning that it's not his fault his parents hurt him and accepting that he is loved.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse

"There's blood on my/your hands." by markonasurface (idwir) [Rated T, 4667 Words, Complete, 2018]

The year after his 19th birthday, the other team decides to recreate the bloody locker scene complete with a ‘Happy Birthday, Jr.’ Instead of stuffing everything down, Neil has a complete freak out and sinks into a depression.

tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: blood, tw: panic attacks, tw: ptsd, tw: major depressive episode, tw: homophobia, tw: disordered eating, tw: vomit

Nothing is Safe series by hismiley16 [Rated T/M/E, Collection, 7 complete works, Updated July 2023]

Parts 3 and 7 recced here

Part 4: Written On His Skin [Not Rated, 11344 Words] The Foxes face the Ravens for the first time since Riko's death and things go as well as expected. Andrew is mildly injured on the court and isn't there to protect Neil when the new Evermore captain comes for him after the game. The team sees more than Neil ever wanted them to, including the ghost of Nathaniel he thought he'd buried in Baltimore.

tw: vomit, tw: bullying, tw: nonconsensual touch/assault  tw: dissociation, tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: blood, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced animal death, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon

The Josten Anxiety Method by orphan_account [Rated M, 1721 Words, Complete, 2022]

Neil talks to Bee about his anxiety.

tw: anxiety, tw: hallucinations, tw: dissociation, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced abuse

Looking in the Mirror Never Felt so Good by Trimorphia [Rated T, 8693 Words, Complete, 2023]

Neil Josten's journey to becoming a real person.

tw: nightmares, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced abuse

Achilles Come Down by infernalstars [Rated M, 5017 Words, Complete, 2020]

Neil Josten was a liar before he was anything else. In the nest, sometimes his choices were between lying and dying. He’d had a decent amount of self preservation that he’d chosen the former. But now, being free, the world felt so heavy. He wished he’d chosen dying.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: graphic suicide attempt, tw: self harm, tw: blood, tw: eating disorders focus, tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: vomit, tw: depression 

prompt: Neil x therapy bullet fic by @sadboyayeron [Tumblr, 2020]

#fic #neil josten/andrew minyard #betsy dobson & neil josten #universe: post canon #au: high school #au: different first meeting #theme: trauma #theme: neil's past #theme: therapy #theme: emotional hurt/comfort #theme: ptsd #theme: panic attacks #theme: mental health issues #theme: dissociation #theme: healing #theme: anxiety #theme: bad day #aftg mixtape #aftg exchange #tw: graphic depictions of violence #tw: child abuse #tw: rape/noncon #tw: csa #tw: self harm #tw: torture #tw: suicide attempt #tw: eating disorders #tw: sleep paralysis #tw: hallucinations

[whumpypepsigal]

Chicago Fire s11e10: “I keep trying to put the whole thing behind me. But every day I wake up, I see this scar on my side. And it all just comes flooding back.” — “Scars are good for that. My older brother, he was always a bully. But one night, when I was nine years old, he took it up a notch.”

#whumpedit #whump #chicagofireedit #chicago fire #sam carver #jake lockett #stella kidd #miranda rae mayo #angst #trauma #traumatic past #scars #childhood trauma #tw abuse #emotional whump #my gifs #💔 #the 9th gif when he touches his scar in a self-soothing way… whumperflies! #chicago fire s11e10 #1/2

[holedyke]

of course the night i need to get to bed at a reasonable hour bc i have a early rise is ruined by my own brain working me up into a complete meltdown 😵‍💫 i am a prisoner to myselfffff

#i feel so so bad. tbh #tw for child abuse but i need to vent #i was watching a rlly good doc series on behavioral schools for teens which are pretty horrific and even though i never went through #anything like that. but just hearing the subjects from the doc talk about how they feel ruined after being destroyed like that as kids just #has me really emotional and i cant stop thinking about it bc i feel the same way i feel like ill never be who i could have or should have #been but what i went through just ruined me and ill never be okay i just feel fragile and mournful of myself i know nothing could have #saved me like its some big cosmic joke on me. and i never did anything to deserve that #no kid does amd yet it fucking happens and it happened to me witj zero repercussions which is almost what hurts the most #i just feel like a goddamn blubbering mess with a knawing black pit in my heart and i am never going to get to sleep at this point. #fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk i just for once would like to feel okay about my past and my future like is this the me that ill always be? #broken and blubbering? fuck it feels awful. anyway. prob delete later but i just needed it off my chest #h

[willowworkswithwords]

Things start to look up for Eddie! The “Eddie hates his hair – except he won’t always” series - part one part two

possible TWs: Eddie refers to not eating much for a couple days (out of lack of food, not eating disorder related); alluded to past child abuse, not graphic at all.

---

When the dawn breaks through the blinds, Eddie squints against the light and looks into the near-empty room. Nothing comes back to him, for a minute. For a minute, it’s just him and the sun and the clean, fresh-vacuumed smell of the carpet.

Then, shuffling from down the hall.

His mom is dead. His dad’s brother is in the other room. Annie is all the way in Indianapolis.

Eddie is alone.

It takes him forever to heave himself up, out of the cocoon that he stayed wrapped in all night. Sleep had only claimed him a couple hours ago, but the cocoon helped the room feel less like a holding place for him, less like a place he was being kept out of the way. He pulls on his jeans and t-shirt, sock and shoes. He doesn’t remember much about Wayne, but, like with Annie, Eddie knows dads, knows fake dads too. Wayne could be anyone. He could be just like Eddie’s dad, he could be worse.

Amidst all that, in the small, hopeful part of his heart that Eddie shuts down as fast as he can, Eddie wonders if Wayne could be like his mom.

Walking up to his door and turning the knob quietly, carefully, Eddie peers down the hallway. Wayne is folding up the sheets he slept on and putting them on the back of the couch, a cup of steaming coffee on the coffee table. Eddie doesn’t smell breakfast. That’s ok. He can handle not having breakfast.

It was just, he hadn’t had dinner last night, or lunch, and the only breakfast he’d gotten was a granola bar. Before that, he’d had a sandwich at lunch the day before. Before that, he can’t remember.

So he’s fine, really.

Eddie walks down the hall, standing right at the entrance to the living room. Wayne looks up from where he’s setting mismatched throw pillows back on the couch.

“Mornin’ kid. How’d you sleep?”

“Fine.”

Wayne smiles at him, subdued but, seemingly, real. Eddie stares.

“Got work off today but not tomorrow, so we got some things we gotta get sorted out, ‘kay?”

“Okay.”

Wayne stares back at Eddie for a minute, the same calculating look he had in Sherry’s car yesterday. Eddie wants to look away, wants to fidget, but he stares back even as his heart beats in his ears.  Just as he’s is about to snap, Wayne looks away and grabs his boots.

“Now?”

“Yeah kiddo, now.”

“I’m not a kid.”

Eddie backs into his room and grabs his shoes, watching Wayne’s back. He shoves his feet in with just enough force to let Wayne know he’s not happy. As far as he’s concerned, Wayne will get his respect when he’s earned it. He’s just gonna be…careful. For now.

Wayne’s truck is old, but the way it jolts Eddie is just on the side of pleasant, for some reason. Eddie feels just a little bit, just enough somethingness that isn’t anger, while they drive. But they stop eventually, at a small clothes shop that’s apparently down the road from a diner Wayne briefly mentions in a way that makes Eddie feel like he’s being tested. Eddie doesn’t respond to it beyond a shrug. The somethingness fades away.

As they go in, Wayne holds the door open for Eddie but Eddie stares at him until he goes in first, then stays a step behind Wayne the whole times. Wayne leads him to the boys section and Eddie stares at all the options. There’s two women manning the shop, one older, one that looks like Eddie’s mom. He can’t look at her, but he keeps catching glimpses of her in the full-length mirrors that are dotted throughout the store.

Neither say much. Wayne doesn’t actually say anything at all, just walks where Eddie can see him, never touching him. He holds out a couple shirts, here and there, a pair of light-wash jeans that Eddie crinkles his nose at before he even realizes he’s doing it. That gets the barest of chuckles from Wayne, and the jeans get put back on the rack. When he’s trying the clothes on, Eddie checks every price tag and puts the ones that are too expensive off to the side without trying them on. No matter how much the government is paying Wayne to take care of Eddie, Eddie isn’t going to give Wayne anything to hold over Eddie’s head when inevitably it gets to be  too much.

He doesn’t look at himself in the mirror. Just does a squat like his mom always made him do when trying on pants and throws his arms around to make sure the arms of the shirts fit. He’d caught a glimpse of himself when he’d first come in and stared at his own stark features, his hair…his hair is really gross. So, when they’re almost at the register and Eddie catches sight of a black baseball cap with a logo on it he doesn’t recognize (but figures is a sports team), he checks the tag and considers for just a second before he carefully puts it between two of the flannels Wayne had picked. Wayne still doesn’t say anything when the lady (the older one, not the one who has long glossy brown hair) inputs the code on the register for the hat.

They step out the door and Eddie pulls the hat on fast, still walking just behind Wayne. When Wayne looks over at him when they’re pulling out of the lot, he frowns a little, but still says nothing.

For a minute.

“You into baseball, kid?”

“I guess.”

Wayne’s eyebrows go up at that, but it’s back to silence. They drive to the school for registration. They drive to the laundromat, which confuses Eddie up until Wayne takes a load of wrinkled clothes out of the dryer and Eddie realizes Wayne must have had to leave them there yesterday for him. They drive to the doctor, which Eddie almost says something about, but, apparently, he needs some shots and a check-up before he can be allowed into school. By the time they roll into the lot of Benny’s Diner, Eddie is exhausted and can’t stop thinking about how much money Wayne has already spent on him, just on his first fucking day. He feels even worse when his stomach growls when they sit down at a table by a window. A guy Eddie assumes in Benny comes up to them and chats with Wayne for a few minutes, glancing curiously at Eddie and smiling softly at him. Eddie gives a half-hearted glare, sinks into the plasticy upholstery.

“How ‘bout you kid? What d’you want?”

Eddie presses him nails into his hands beneath the table. He doesn’t know, he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know.

Benny looks concerned, but Wayne cuts in before he can say anything more.

“He’ll have a burger, just pickles, and a sprite.”

Eddie stares at Wayne and Wayne fucking winks at him like he’s a kid. Anger and a strange, twisting feeling are coiling around each other in Eddie’s gut and he has to look down, suddenly, when his eyes start to burn.

Minutes of silence follow after Benny leaves.

Eddie can’t do it anymore.

“How’d you know that?”

“Your order?”

“Yeah. My damn burger order.”

Wayne settles into his seat more than he already is, relaxed and the picture of calm. Eddie hates that it helps, that it makes him feel just a tad less like he’s about to throw a punch.

“Your momma and I kept in touch. She told me all sorts of things about you, ‘bout my brother, too. Stuff I ain’t ‘bout to forget.”

Wayne’s voice was soft and strong, even though is cracked when he said “your momma”, and Eddie suddenly realizes they must’ve been close if they wrote to each other years after they last saw each other.

“Oh.”

They both look down at the table then, and briefly say thanks to Benny when he walks over with their orders.

“What, what kinda things she tell you? ‘Bout dad?” Eddie takes a quick bite of his burger so he doesn’t have to look at Wayne. It’s quickly followed by more bites as he realizes how hungry he really is. Another minute passes, and Eddie wonders if conversations with Wayne were always gonna take this damn long.

“Well, first off, that he could be a stubborn son of a bitch, which I already knew. That him being home wasn’t good for you, and I reckon that meant it wasn’t good for her either,” Wayne says this all while carefully separating his burger and fries so they weren’t touching, making room so he could make a puddle of ketchup.

“What about me?”

There’s no hesitation this time.

“That you’re a damn smart kid, and a kind one too. Can’t stand to be alone too much, that you look out for the younger kids in whatever neighborhood you’re in. You read faster than a book worm devours pages, and that you know how much this world can twist people, but you’re still you.”

Eddie wipes at his eyes. It’s his mom’s words, just from a different mouth, and the familiarity makes something sharp pang in Eddie’s chest.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, kid.”

They finish their meal in a different sort of silence, and when they get into the truck Wayne tells Eddie to scan through the radio channels and nods in approval when Eddie settles on a rock station. The silence in the truck is the good kind. Eddie still goes straight to his room though, itching all over for the need to not be watched, to just be with his books. He sets his new clothes down beside his empty dresser and flops onto his bed, pulling the curtains open enough to read in the afternoon sunlight. He doesn’t suddenly just trust Wayne, because he knows adults, how they are. But Wayne is, maybe, more like his mom after all, so Eddie forgets to worry about keeping track of the time and reads through dinner. When he wanders out later, Wayne is outside fiddling with the truck, head deep in the engine. A foil covered plate sits on the counter waiting for Eddie on the counter with his name scrawled on it. Eddie eats on the couch until he sees Wayne close the hood, then quietly puts his paper plate in the trash (scraped clean of every bit of food) and runs back into his room, closing the door almost all the way, and watches Wayne come in and look at the counter and smile at the lack of plate. Even quieter, Eddie closes his door all the way and goes back to his book, something beginning to settle, something beginning to bloom, and falls asleep with his light on.

#emotion hurt/comfort #eddie munson #wayne munson #eddie hates his hair but he won't always series #willow writes #willow talks #my fic #wayne munson is a good uncle #tw past child abuse

[weird-kid-maxx]

I'm Not Him (And Never Will Be) (My Babysitter's A Vampire Benny Weir X Fem! OC)

Forewarning: I am putting Jesse as a good guy in all of these (except, MAYBE, a few) because I genuinely like Jesse and felt he could've had a redemption arc after the season 2 finale.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Prompt: The reader (OC) breaking down at an inconvenient moment after something seemingly harmless evokes a horrific memory.

Summary: The OC, Athena, has an abusive ex that used to hit her for every little thing. Fast-forward three years, and she's with Benny Weir. When two jocks get in a fight at school and accidentally injure her, she freaks, and the truth comes out.

Genre: Hurt/Comfort.

Warnings: Abuse; First Fight; Relationship Trauma; Abusive Ex; PTSD; Sweet Benny; Hurt Benny Weir; Hurt OC.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Third Person POV

Athena has been with Benny for four months, and yet all they did to this day was hold hands, share kisses, and cuddle. Now, Benny wasn't a pushy guy. She didn't want to get intimate or whatever, that was fine! He wasn't needy like that. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable, so he went at her pace. It's just...sometimes, he was confused. She seemed so fine one second, and then someone would snap, or yell or say something, and she'd go all tense and quiet, and he would wonder, not for the first time, if she was possibly hiding some dark secret. He wanted her to trust him. And she did, but...not with whatever was hurting her. He understood, but...it hurt.

Lately, he's been asking the vampires about Athena. Had they noticed anything different? Was she acting weird, or was it just him? "Don't push her," Jesse told Benny one day at lunch as Athena stood in line with Ethan and Sarah. "She'll tell you when she's ready. One of my biggest mistakes was pushing Sarah." He added. "That's why I lost her." "Oh. Okay." Benny said as the other three approached.

He spent the next few days sort of...analyzing Athena. If someone yelled, he watched her body language. He didn't mean to treat her like a science experiment, she was just worrying him.

One day, two jocks got in a fight. They were arguing pretty loudly when Jesse, Erica, Benny, and Athena left Math, right there in the hall, and were throwing insults back and forth. Now, usually, nobody would bother, but everyone in the hall felt that it would get violent in under ten seconds, so a girl ran to get the staff, and the taller one suddenly shoved the shorter one into the locker, and he tripped into the metal, slamming into Athena, knocking her to the ground with a slam that echoed painfully in Benny's ears.

At that point, Jesse snarled, shoving the two struggling humans apart as Athena scrambled to her feet and bolted, shoving past the crowd and nearly knocking another girl into the lockers. Benny, though he wanted to go after her, knew he had to let her breathe, and started helping Jesse separate the jocks, still shouting at one another, until teachers swarmed the hallway, pulling them apart. "Where's Athena?" Sarah gasped, eyes wide. "This way!" Erica called, running down the hall at human speed. The others shared glances and followed her into the closest closet.

She was in the corner, knees to her face, crying. "Athena!" Benny pushed past a startled Erica. No one had seen her cry, not like this. "Hey, hey, what--" He flinched as her hands flew up, pushing at him, and she whimpered, "Don't--don't touch me."

"Hey, it's me!" Benny blinked, hurt. She glanced up, and Benny's heart twisted. Her eyes were red and puffy, and she had claw marks on her cheeks, flushed pink, from her nails. "What happened?" Sarah asked. Jesse grabbed Sarah's arm. "Let's give them a minute, okay?" He asked, eyes checking Athena over. As the girls left the closet, he asked, "You okay, Thena?" She nodded. "Thank you," She whispered. Jesse smiled softly and told Benny, "We'll be right outside." He left, shutting the door carefully so it didn't slam.

"I'm sorry." Athena whispered, rubbing her sweaty hands on her jeans. "It's okay. What...what happened, why'd you freak so bad?" He asked. "Does it scare you when that happens?" He wondered. "Sort of?" She hedged. At his curious look, she sighed. "I had an ex. Remember me telling you about Jay?" She wondered, and he nodded. "Yeah, you said you broke up with him because it didn't work out." He recalled. "It didn't, because...he used to hurt me. He would...hit me a lot, and he'd call me names. He was really abusive and controlling, and now, because of him, if something happens--a fight too close, too much yelling, something resembling anger--I freak and have a panic attack." She said softly. Benny's eyes widened. "What?" He asked in a voice that made Athena wish she'd never opened her mouth. "Who...who'd hurt you, you're an awesome person!" He nearly yelled. She flinched. "I'm sorry, please..." She whispered.

"No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He whispered, reaching forwards, and stopped. "Can I hug you?" "Of course!" She said, wrapping her arms around Benny. She sunk into his arms. For every time she remembered Jay's harsh words or fists, Benny was there to chase it all away.

Outside the closet, Erica's eyes watered. "I never knew." She whispered, leaning against the wall. Sarah blinked, and a tear traced her cheek. "I don't think any of us did." She whispered, eyes flicking to Jesse's. The older vampire was glaring down the hall. "I'm gonna kill him." "No." The voice said, and the door opened. "Please, don't." Athena whispered, rubbing her still-pink cheeks dry of tears. "He hurt you, so let me kill him." Erica promised. "Guys, no. Just...stay with me. I need you guys here with me." Athena whispered, eyes watering again. "Okay. We can stay." Jesse sighed. Athena smiled. "Thank you." She turned to Benny, hiding her face in his striped hoodie. For a moment, Benny looked a little scary. His face was cold and flat, and his eyes were almost black. "You, uh...look a little...different," Sarah hedged. He glanced at her. "I...I'm taking her home." He grabbed Athena's hand and led her down the hall. Once they were gone, Sarah smiled. "I know where he lives." Erica and Jesse looked at her. "We're going hunting. Tonight." She snarled, stalking down the hall. Erica grinned, and Jesse laughed.

#mbav season 2 finale #benny weir #sarah fox #erica jones #mbav fanfic #mbav stuff #mbav #x oc #x female oc #jesse mbav x reader #jesse “horace” black #tw abuse #abusive ex #trauma #past trauma #emotional abuse

[star--nymph]

It’s so important to me that the basis of Eurydice’s and Dorian’s relationship, the core of it, is that they recognized each as abuse children. Eurydice not understanding Dorian’s speech or coping mechanisms until she met his father in the tavern and knew intimately—though maybe not consciously—what this was because she had known it. She knew a father that did not love his child as they were, did not understand them, did not want them, violently tried to change them to fit his preferred mold. That all he wanted was an object, no a son. And she marveled at Dorian’s ability to acknowledge it and refuse to play into any longer.

Brave. When Eurydice meant Dorian was brave, she meant in a specific way and he knew it. That’s why he paused—because Dorian is smart and perceive in a way she isn’t and he doesn’t need that many clues to know how they were bonded.

and yet for all that Eurydice curled around him like a protective older sibling, offered him the elven name of ‘brother’ and stood vigilant over him.

and later that night when they were drunk and Eurydice spoke the things her father had done to her and then begging Dorian not to say it, not to make it real because she would not—could not— hear that her father did not love her (that she wasn’t ready), he let her have it.

But he kept that secret and watched her, waiting until she was ready—when it was her turn to be break apart and be brave.

#I’m not saying that’s the only thing about them that makes them siblings #Because they’re both social awkward nerds who freak out at ANY emotional connection they do not understand #But I am saying THIS is such a connecting tissue #Hurt sees hurt and wanting to grow past it together #Eurydice Lavellan #Dorian Pavus #Writing #Abuse tw #I think the violently changing them is what really gets me #Because even though Lycus has no magic he used his own methods to change her #I think if he had the choice he would have used blood magic too #I’m so careful about Eury’s abuse because I don’t want her to be saved in her narrative but I want her cared for and supported #Like realistically if the inquisition knew he’d be dead but what would that do for Eury #who can barely contend with the truth #it’s why Dorian IS so important because he did it on his terms and he’s still going! #Also they both seem to have neglect mothers too

[atlasisntdead]

Having an abuser leave my life finally after so long without having to have another traumatic confrontation with her one last time is such a fucking relief. But it's also a sign of immense growth on my end that I let myself distance myself from her when 2 years ago I couldn't imagine doing that. Meds definitely help, but I can't give them all the credit. Most of it was my doing. I managed to get to the point where I care about my safety more than giving even the worst people the benefit of the doubt and falling for their manipulation.

This is sadly not the end of me being affected by everything, but it was necessary in order for me to be able to even start recovering. Being so afraid constantly is never a good thing, but the root being one person, and it being a justified fear? At that point, none of the good moments matter. I'm done. I feel so sorry for myself. I lost so much of my life because of her and I'll never be able to get those years back. But at least I won't lose any more.

#hopefully I can have a better life and better friends moving forward I'm so fucking exhausted #I refuse to blame myself any longer she saw someone mentally ill (and dysphoric) and took advantage #the way she kept justifying her abusive behavior to no end to the point she actually believes she's a good friend is unreal #it makes me sick how much she fucked me up I feel like I can't think properly #like I can't tell what's true or false it's not even self doubt anymore this is on a whole another level #I feel like she's there even now that she's gone but at least she *is* gone #emotional abuse #vent #cptsd #abuse #tw abuse #avpd #to clarify she's done more than just emotionally abuse me but that's for another post #this is more about the emotional and verbal abuse #verbal abuse #trauma #past abuser #complex trauma

[levmada]

i wonder what levi would do in a toxic relationship

#tw toxic behavior #tw toxic relationship #tw toxicity #this is a tough one i think depending on au #in canon love for levi would be almost once in a lifetime and he’d spot shitty behavior from a mile away #especially physical toxicity #he’s slamming the door on his way out and never talking to the person again #canon levi is tough and so guarded #even tho he isn’t sure about all the aspects of a romantic relationship; a relationship is so alien and strange alone he’s easily put off #modern au is harder cos it depends on his past exactly but if it was close ish to canon #in any au a cheater is dead to him #even if he’s blamed for it or gaslighted into an attempt for him to believe it was his fault levi is still gone but he’s carrying that agony #/insecurity with him to every future relationship and the grave #it’d be hard for him to recognize emotional abuse for what it is bc he doesnt understand his own most times and if he’s dating someone #he really really really really cares about them #and his present insecurity would make it easier for him to believe things are his fault #then if it escalates he’s so confused and idk brainwashed that outside intervention would be necessary. despite the fact his friends probabb #probably pointed out toxicity about his partner before and he fiiierrceeely defended them #bc he’s levi #but what abt s*x abuse. especially canon levi who has a shitty knowledge of sex and what it is he’d be so vulnerable to that i think. and #assume that’s the way it should be and take it #just in general levi is willing to accept pain if his partner doesn’t have to go thru it and the same would apply to his partners pleasure #god that’s so fucking sad #tw physical harm #tw sex assault #tw sex abuse #why am i thinking about this💀💀 #levi.thoughts #levi ackerman

[violet-flower-without-color]

im not the problem im not the problem im not the problem im not the problem im not the problem im not the problem im not the problem

stop treating me like a therapist stop treating me like a therapist stop treating me like a therapist stop treating me like a therapist stop treating me like a therapist-

[Voice-recorded and posted to Rotumblr via Rotom.]

- Colanda Achroma

---[Post Edit] Sparky.

Why did you hit record?

Why did you post this?

What.

Is wrong.

With you?

- Colress Achroma

---[Post Edit] I apologize for my daughter's mental state being on full display. That first post in which Landa reacts to the situation outdoors should have been marked as being posted by a Rotom. It shouldn't have even been posted.

I have possession-proofed Landa's phone until further notice. This also means I currently have access to her Rotumblr account.

For those wondering: the irate old woman was removed from the area by authorities. Her grandchildren have been handed off to their parents.

That is that. Thank goodness.

- Colress Achroma

//Hey. Remember when I said Colress would only show up in special circumstances?

//This is that!

#arc: blasts from the past #colress achroma takeover #featuring sparky the rotom #rotomblr #rotumblr #pokeblogging #pokeblr #pokemon #pokemon irl #pokeblog rp #tw anxiety #tw emotional abuse #colress achroma

[ninjastormhawkkat]

Ignorant Bliss AU

This au I made on Discord combining my friend melody's highschool au idea with an amnesia au. Revised a little bit to make it more angsty. So in this au Amirana as a teen has quickly wisened up and she hates the traditions and life she is forced into by her family who has no regards for her feelings. Also Navren is still a jerk in this au. She wants to get away from it all and go on a journey of exploration and hopefully find a planet that will let her just be herself. She stole a Lexiconian space craft and began her excursion. She unfortunately got caught in a solar storm that sent her ship plummeting to Earth where she crash landed. Unlike Huggy's crash, this was more severe as her ship was destroyed. Amirana climbed out, still alive but heavily injured she walked slowly towards Fair City where she fell unconscious onto a sidewalk. She was found by worried and concerned Bampy Botsford and his son Tim. They took her to a hospital. When Amirana woke up, she had no memory of her life befor the crash. She didn't even remember what caused her injuries. She didn't recall her name nor her own species. She was taken care of at the hospital and made a full physical recovery. Thought the issue was since she was a minor and had no family to claim her yet. She would have to be sent to an orphanage or foster family. Bampy not wanting the poor kid to be alone, talked with his wife and kids about the situation. Thus Teresa Botsford was with her new family and lived the normal life of an earth woman. She went to high school and college in Fair City. She discovered her powers but out of fear did not tell her family because she was afraid of being cast aside for being not normal. She believes she is a meta human. Bampy finds out during the episode "Bampy Battles Bots." Teresa takes a job as a teacher in Fair City at Woodview. Like in my theory, she meets Steven Boxleitner when she saved the distracted scientist from nearly getting hit by a truck. Teresa does become a hero in this au after hearing about Steven's theories and analysis about heroes and villains. Her hero name is Wordwoman because of her love of words. Steven knows about Teresa's powers because she asked for his help in using them and controlling them. Steven respected her decision not to tell her family, he still believes she should tell them and that they will still love her regardless. The Botsfords love Steven. Teresa was a bridesmaid at her siblings wedding and Tim and Sally were part of her wedding party when she married Steven. In this au Teresa does become pregnant with Becky before she and Steven marry but Becky is born after the wedding during the early part of Teresa's first trimester. Becky becomes Wordgirl and her mom's partner when she gets older. I haven't decided yet where Steven still becomes Two Brains or not but if he does, it's only minor angst. Teresa during her life has vague flashbacks of her former life but nothing sustains long enough for her to fully recall anything. Her past starts to come back when a certain monkey space pilot crashes to Earth when her daughter is 11 years old. @melodythebunny @drtwobrainsstuff @blueweirdness

#wordgirl #wordgirl au #steven boxleitner #dr two brains #teresa star #starcrossed cheese #becky boxleitner au #wordwoman #bob/captain huggy face #bampy botsford #tim botsford #sally botsford #teresa botsford au #ignorant bliss au #minor angst #tw: amnesia #tw: orphanage and foster care mentioned #tw: injury #tw: emotional abuse #tw: past trauma #pregnancy terms #melodythebunny #drtwobrainsstuff #blueweirdness

[snonkerdoodledreams]

why can't she see that

i am struggling within

because of her

why cannot she see

her actions' consequences

exist and are real

why can't she see me

being damaged day by day

from her screaming and

why doesn't she know

what she is doing to me

is wrong and hurtful

her emotional immaturity

is just a gratuity

her codependence and brutality

is nothing more than a legality

i have the names of these problems now

but that ain't making nothing right

all i wanted when i was a girl

was to be tucked in normally and told goodnight

sometimes i still wonder

why shit has to be this way

and then i tell myself

"it's just for this day"

tomorrow she'll be normal

tomorrow she'll apologize

tomorrow she'll go about usual

tomorrow she won't agonize

saying the things you said to me

is not right, it leaves a bite

and it still isn't okay to say these things

and then go about as if everything's right

because when you do it over and over

to everyone you've ever known

it leaves a lasting scar and damage

words are engraved in stone

#thinking before speaking is important everyone don't forget that #and apologizing doesn't make everything right immediately #it takes time to rebuild a relationship after saying really hurtful things to the other party #you can't just say “i didn't mean it” and then go on like usual and then the next time you get angry the cycle repeats #life doesn't work that way #i wish she were able to see the problems she had and tried to fix them #i wish she'd be able to listen and not cut people out when they attempt to tell her she has a problem #i wish she were able to get past her stigma regarding mental help so that she can get the help she needs to heal #it would be nice to have a mother #because her immaturity prevents her from acting like one #emotional abuse #dysfunctional family #toxic #mental health #tw #poetry #sad poetry #haiku

[albino-whumpee]

The reason

Whumptober Day 6 - Proof of Life “I've got a pulse”

Idk if it´s ok to post this when I haven´t even posted the other important stuff, but honestly, this year´s prompt was too good and the chapter was almost finished anyways, so here you go. Have a big dose of angst. 

CW// Big warning for explicit suicide attempt, suicidal whumpee, blood, overdose, self loathing, past pet whump, ghosts, grief, guilt, death, implied murder, victim self blaming, emotional whump, angst. 

Life seemed to pass in front of his eyes without him actually being part of it. Not ever since they went to his house and read that man´s letter. Not ever, since they went to the lake where the crushed tent still stood and he screamed his throat raw.

Ever since he came out of that box, life progressively had lost its meaning.

The albino boy was at Sarahi´s house now, sitting on the ground crossed leg staring at the ashes on the fireplace. No cat roaming the pristine living room to make him company existed any longer. Momo rested above the fireplace in a wooden urn. A silver plaque with the cat’s name adorning it on top. Annie hadn’t had such luxuries.

Aware of the silence, his hand went under his shirt. Thin fingers hovered under the black, long sleeved shirt that became like a second skin. He passed his hand right over his abdomen, where he was forced to carve his own name. Not the name of the role he thought he played for his owner, but his real name. The one he had quit, and later, fiercely wished to get back not knowing he already had.

Now that he remembered it, he didn't know what to do with it.

His fingertips wandered around the edges of the scarred skin, tracing each of the letters before he stuck out his hand with a sigh.

Whoever Albus Serra Muller was, he was no longer part of this world. 

A pet had come to take his place. 

And that pet was sick of it.

The box boy watched the ashes for a little longer. Molding a pinch of it between his fingers and watching it stain them, remembering the satisfaction of seeing the books with his drawings thrown into the fire, despite the shocked faces of everyone around him. 

A sting of shame attacked him when he remembered it had been Sann who gave him those with a last spark of hope on his face. Sann refused to give up on him and yet... and yet, he had thrown them into the fire in front of him. 

He was sorry, but at the same time, he didn't regret burning them. He wouldn't need them anymore anyways. His resolve to continue had been turned to ashes over and over again, he was just so tired of burning.

“You said you had enough,” Albus whispered, remembering the weight, the cold tip of the revolver against his forehead “one on you, the next on me... but you put it down before it was my turn again...” he said through gritted teeth while a venomous fury lit his stomach on fire. He shoved it down; tasting the impulse to scratch himself bloody right there and then, so strong his hands slammed against his arm.

But before he could dig his nails in, he remembered Sann’s smiling face. How tightly he hugged him at the lake until he had no voice to scream and his eyes dried. How, in his anger, he had tried to push Sann away by throwing despicable words at him…. only to watch him sit down with him.

Tears rolled down his cheeks when he remembered Sann had told him with that new, husky voice of his, he would not give up on him. Not because he owed him. Because he loved him. Because he deserved a life that wasn´t filled with pain and orders. Because he wanted to live that life Albus had given him, with Albus.

“Damn it” He sniffed, furiously wiping off the tears on his face, before dragging air.

His chest tightened suddenly, as a broken sob broke the silence. He pulled his knees to his chest and chattering his teeth from the strain of trying to keep himself quiet. 

Everything he had tried to keep buried resurfaced and stared back, like waiting for him to do something about things he just couldn't change anymore. Getting dragged by a whirlpool of endless darkness, he had long drowned in.

Overwhelmed, he gasped for air and immediately, having barely anything to grab, he pulled on his hair.

After a moment, he let out a giggle under his breath. What an irony it was, that the only thing he could control about himself was how much he cut off. Be it memories, hair or skin. At least, he had managed to stop anyone from pulling him by the hair again. With a victorious grin, he let his arms fall down.

For a long moment he stayed quiet, curled into himself, crying his eyes out until his head felt like bursting. His brain struggled to keep away the painful memories of Annie and the facility. Pushing the memories of her at the lake screaming his name in terror, in a plead that fell into deaf, useless ears; the memories of the handlers putting him under the drip to forget her, memories from when he had escaped the facility and brought the tragedy that lead Sann to be Sirius replacement and took all of Santiago’s dreams. That forced Sarahi to buy him.

Resurging with that blinding pain, the memory of the albino woman leaving at night, hurriedly walking off to the street with a simple black backpack before looking up and mouthing she would come back for them appeared on his head. As if to remind him that if he had stopped her then, she would still be alive. Maybe things would’ve been different then.

He tightened his grip on his hair, the skin under beginning to throb. 

He pushed all those memories and truths away. 

Did he have the right to be crying like that? He had done nothing for others but bringing them pain. It was almost as if he couldn´t stop people from getting hurt regardless of what choice he made. 

The boy then continued to cry inconsolably.

At some point, snot rolled over his lip and he wiped it away with his shirt, just like he had done with his bile in the disobedience cells after sucking a handler off for the who-knows-which time. He remembered wiping the grime off his face just like that time when the boy on the other cell gave him back the food he had handed him seconds before.

He gave it back, but he only left the scraps. Albus thought to himself, unable to put a smile on his face. Everyone else just ate it without a second thought...But, he didn´t...What was his number..? Albus racked his brain for a moment and as he realized, his eyes slowly widened.

In the middle of the darkness, after a moment of his realization, associating the story the other boy told him about what had happened an eternity ago, he laughed. His whole body shook with him as the tears began to roll down indiscriminately.

“Ah, so that’s how we met...” he said, voice cracking with each word “I remember now...That’s how...your voice sounded....”

The words caught on his throat couldn’t be forced out anymore. At that very moment, something switched off inside of him. In that last gasp for breath, as his face went blank and his eyes unfocused, he waited a second before he rose to his feet and walked to the kitchen. Static thrummed in his ears as he grabbed everything inside the drawer containing all of Claude’s medication.

Albus was going to grab the glass next to the sink, when he saw the knife.

He stared at it for a while, considering leaving it there, but in the end, he took it too, before stepping into the living room’s bathroom. Switching the light on and silently closing the door behind him. Head heavy, but looking completely unbothered, he opened the tap all the way and heard the water run for a moment before pulling his eyes up. As he stared at his reflection in the mirror, he downed the first bottle.

He didn’t scream when by his third, he pushed his shirt up and ruined the “A” marked on his abdomen with the knife, before moving to the next letter. Not caring about the blood spilling into the floor or the pain of scratching the letters scarring his skin. 

He was too tired to care anymore.

Completely swallowed by despair, he didn’t notice he hadn’t closed the door right. A ray of light illuminated the hallway towards the rooms, and the sound of the empty pill cases hitting the floor when he threw them, slowly forced Sann’s eyes open.

—

In the middle of the night, Sann’s eyelids fluttered at the sound of water flowing. It took him a moment in his drowsy state to realize it wasn’t raining. Instinctively, his hands searched for his partner’s warmth in their bed. Finding his spot going cold next to him forced his head up. Sann blinked confused at the empty spot and turned his head towards the bathroom door.

There was no light under the door frame, but the sound of water didn’t stop. 

Sann frowned and groaned as he pushed himself up into his elbows, rubbing his eyes before looking around the empty room again, noticing the light coming from the hallway.

He waited a second, hoping he had just woken up from a nightmare and he would be back soon, but the water wouldn’t stop. In his half asleep state, he took his phone, ignoring the messages from his mother and Robin and focused on the hour marked on the clock. Too early... Sann thought to himself, sighing on his pillow before he rolled to his side.

“Al?” Sann asked, swinging his feet over the bed and stepping into the hallway, the phone still in his hand as he yawned, following the source of the light and frowning when he noticed it was coming from the bathroom. Albus never used any other bathrooms but his own. He went to open it with a bad feeling pulling a knot on his stomach “Albus?”

The water from the sink was still running when Sann dropped his phone on the floor and stopped knowing how to breathe for a solid minute. Standing stunned on the room’s door frame, only to find the mess of pill cartridges and blood that was on the floor around a bloodied Albus. 

Too shocked to move, he saw the boy look up at him with teary eyes. 

“He told me to swallow” 

“W-What?” Sann croaked out, the rest of his body unable to move. 

“Back then at the disobedience cells. He told me to swallow,” he retold with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes “He would be proud now...” his arms pointed at the floor vaguely “I swallowed so much I won't have to do it ever again” Albus smiled as Sann gave him an horrified look. “I’m...free”

Sann’s chest tightened up in pressure that knocked the air out of his lungs when he dropped to his knees next to Albus. Watching the blood on his shirt, on his abdomen, dripping onto the floor, right next to the kitchen knife on his left hand. Shaking his head, he uncovered his abdomen only to see the web of welts made by the knife.

“No, no...” Sann whispered under his breath, seeing the wound and then fishing out one of the empty flasks. Recognizing them as Cloude’s strongest sleep medication “No, no, no, Albus, no!” He threw the case away to cup the boy’s face, unable to hold down a whine under Sann’s bruising hold. “T-tell me you didn’t s-swallow them all,” the albino tried to turn his head away but Sann forced him to look back at him “Albus! Tell me how many you swallowed!” He shouted in desperation, making the other flinch. “P-ple-ase answer me, how m-many?”

It took him a long excruciating moment to reply, voice barely above a whisper “...All of them”

Sann’s stomach flipped as his jaw dropped. Letting go, his face began to twist into pained misunderstanding, but it stopped halfway. Dropped to turn into agony as he tilted his head to his left, tears welling on his eyes before letting out a broken, ragged sob instead of the scream that wanted to push through his barely recovered throat.

“I’m sorry...” Sann sobbed, face going a bright red as he pulled Albus into a hug so tight Albus whimpered “I’m sorry, I´m so sorry, Al”

“Don´t...” Albus replied pulling Sann´s head up to face him, red staining Sann´s cheek and jaw, right over the scar from Robert´s knife. “Don´t. That´s not it” he smiled before planting a kiss on his forehead “It´s me who should apologize” Albus´ voice cracked, tears beginning to well up on his eyes “I know I can´t…I can´t apologize in a way that matters. This is the only way to make it up to you” Albus grabbed Sann´s hands into his own and gave it a kiss “You deserve a better life” he panted as the tears streamed down “I can´t let myself ruin it again” 

Sann kept staring at him in shock. But then his eyes, rimmed red from crying, suddenly narrowed, an emotion on them Albus had rarely seen in Sann.

“I´m not gonna let you die” Sann said, almost growling.

Albus froze before he followed Sann´s hands reaching for towels “Don´t...” he weakly begged before Sann pressed them tight against his stomach, reaping a yelp out of him “Sann! No, Please!” 

It was as if the boy couldn't hear him when he took the knife and threw it away, the sound of it falling into the floor piercing through the silence in what was supposed to be just another night before the boy passed his arms under Albus and lifted him up in one go. Readjusting his grip and making him wince before Sann dashed through the hallway screaming at Claude for help. 

“N-No..!” Albus cried in the boy's arms, weakly pushing against his chest in an attempt to break free. But the pills were beginning to work and the world began to darken around the edges. “Stop..!” He mumbled, feeling another set of hands on him forcing his feeble, thin arms away from his stomach, before hearing a woman scream. “Nononono, ssstop!” he slurred as he was hurriedly carried outside to Sann´s reworked van. 

He could barely understand what Sann screamed at Sarahi and Claude, both in their pajamas, but when Sarahi and him locked eyes, he tried to convey to her to please stop Sann in a look alone. He knew how horror looked on his ex-owner´s face, so he was shocked into silence when he saw her slam the door open and get inside the car to hold him. 

He couldn´t understand what she said, his vision swimming as the car began to move. He didn´t understand why she, who hated dirty things, who hated him the most, didn´t do anything when he vomited on her feet. Why she wiped the bile off and carded her fingers through his hair with such a pained expression. 

Albus tried to push her hand away, then. 

“Why don´t you hate me?!” he wanted to scream, and he did try, but she seemed to not understand a word. “Why won´t you let me die?” he cried, digging his palms into his eyes. “Stop the car!” he screamed as he hurled into the front seats, feeling strong hands pull him back intot he seat. He couldn´t really feel his fingers anymore but he fought against the person holding him down as hard as he could “Can´t you see? Don´t you know there´s no place for me in this god forsaken world?!” he shouted at the person pushing him down into the seat. Crying out when they pressed their knee against his stomach. 

Albus´ world became a mix of shadows and flickering lights. He felt light suddenly, as if he had been hauled up and then his head began to spin wildly. He couldn´t see, but he felt hands over hands holding him down. 

“S-Stop!! I´m a murderer!!! Why save me?!” he tried to swat the hands away, but quick enough, his wrists were held in an iron grip. So, he tried to kick everyone away. Satisfaction filling him for an instant when his feet landed on someone's face before his feet  were restrained, too. He laughed grimly, then. No, he was panting, struggling to drag air in. The world blurred as he shook his head from side to side. “I…-n´t wanna…save…no…” his consciousness was slipping. He could hear screams. Was it Sann? He couldn´t tell. “...lease…please…” he begged as he felt something being put over his face.

A warmth overcame him suddenly. The world was a void of white, blinding light when he looked up. His eyelids were too heavy to keep open anymore. So he begged. His voice became impossible to decipher even for him as the seconds ticked by. 

“If this is not suffering enough, I-,” he couldn't tell if he had his eyes open or not. “I don't know how else to atone” he said, curling into himself. 

He cried so harshly, he screamed until he had no voice, he didn´t open his eyes. He didn´t wanna see the world around him was slowly flooded with the sea. 

“Oh, Albus” an albino woman knelt next to him, pulling him into a hug. “You have suffered too much, for too long” she told him, carding her fingers through his hair as he hugged her back. “It was hard, wasn´t it?” she saw him nod against her chest “You did your best and still, it came down to this. I´m very sorry, son. I´m sorry you had to grow too fast because of me. I´m sorry I left you behind,” she apologized. The boy stayed quiet. “Lemme take a look at you, Albie” she said putting her fingers under his chin before lifting it. 

“Can I go with you now, mom?” he cried. 

It wasn´t the first time he saw that beach at sunset. That time too, all those years ago, he saw his mother before waking up to the start of his nightmare. He held tight to her. 

“I can´t go back anymore” he told her, hiding his face in the crook of her neck. He pressed into the hug even tighter. “I hurt so many people…They wouldn´t want me back, anyway. So please, mom. Please…” the albino sobbed against her chest when she passed her hand through his hair. 

“You didn´t know what would happen, Al” another voice said next to him. His eyes shook as they landed on the young girl kneeling next to his mother. 

“Annie…” 

The girl smiled. “Stupid brother, you thought you were my personal bodyguard” she huffed, making him mute. How much he missed her. “You are four feet tall, who´re you gonna scare? The ants?” she sighed loud and long “How much did you miss because of me?”

“Annie…!” the boy jumped to hug her. He held her so tight, tears streamed down explosively. “I- I want- I-I-I promised you, and yet I! Annie, I´m- I´m so, so sorry. I´m sorry…I´m so sorry!” he cried as snot ran down his face. He kept mumbling apologies until he was pushed away. 

“I get it, ok? It´s ok. It was really, really hard. I´m sorry I wasn´t there to protect you” she said, hugging him back. His eyes widened before closing shut again, pulling his arms around her small figure. “I´m sorry too, Albus.” the boy emerged from her chest with a confused look “Mom and I can´t let you come yet”

“What-?”

She pressed a finger over his lips. “Let me finish, stupid brother” 

Albus smacked his lips closed before wiping the snot and tears off. Annie stared at him for a long moment before getting a serious look. She was merely a kid…

“Al,” she called suddenly, catching his attention. “That day, you saved a life. I won´t ever feel anything more than pride for you for that” he wanted to tell her to explain what the hell was she talking about. The two people he should have done everything to save were right there, cold, dead. And he should join them, so what was she..? “That Christmas, you saved someone else. Me? You saved me more than once. If you hadn´t taken most of dad´s beatings, if you didn´t blame yourself for me, if you hadn´t eaten that poisoned food…”

“That was..!”

“Al,” she cut him off before breaking into a smile “I would´ve died much, much earlier if it wasn´t for you. You saved us. Even if you were hurting, you pushed through. For us” she said setting a cold hand on his shoulder. 

“But you…”

She shook her head. “I won´t ever blame you for what happened. You don´t have to bear that pain anymore, ok? You´re not alone anymore, either” Albus frowned at her, before she sighed through her nose. She clicked her tongue behind him, making him turn around. 

“ALBUS!! WAKE UP! PLEASE!” he heard Sann scream from above the stretcher his body was on. “You can´t do this to me, you can´t. Please..!” he begged as he continued doing CPR even when doctors tried to pull him down. 

Albus´ head turned towards the monitor next to him and a shudder went down his back as he saw the flatline. 

“DON´T YOU DARE DIE ON ME, ALBUS!!” Sann continued to scream, “SOMEBODY! ANYBODY, HELP! HELP HIM, PLEASE!!” Sann howled as he punched his torax, making his body jerk back. He gave him some more compressions before he bent down to blow air into him. Albus watched his own scarred chest bloat before Sann continued giving him CPR. “Wake up, wake up, wake up. Please, Al” Sann whispered, his voice worn to a hoarse croak. Tears spilled over his cheeks into the corpse below him. Stopping his compressions for a second, he cupped his face and kissed him harshly. “I can´t lose you again…” he cried in a shaky voice. 

Albus´ hand tried to wipe the tears streaming down his face, but he could only watch him wipe them off before restarting his efforts, nurses looking at him with pity as he screamed for help and nobody came. 

“See?” Annie said, holding his hand. 

“You do have someone who wants you back” his mother said, taking his other hand. 

Albus stayed quiet for a long moment, eyes refusing to leave Sann as he was forced down the stretcher and he kicked and pushed to climb on it again. Not even a bloody cough stopped him. 

“...After everything I did…I caused him so much pain, I can´t just-” he stepped back, but the two women held him strong. 

“He told you already, didn´t he?” His mother told him as he watched his corpse curl into himself in a gasp. 

“W-WE HAVE A PULSE!” one of the doctors screamed in clear astonishment. 

The monitor began beeping again as doctors and nurses, stunned for a moment, began to swarm his body. Pushing Sann to the side before he made way to stand by his head, ripping the segufix around one of his wrists and frantically kissing his hand before squeezing it tight, refusing to leave his side. 

“He won´t give up on you” Annie finished her mother´s phrase before both pushed Albus towards the stretcher. He could only take a quick look back at them having big smiles on their faces. His vision swam as he tried to stretch his hand towards them. “He searched for you, not to see you kill yourself for him. He searched because he wanted to live that life you gave him, with you. So don´t give up on this life so easily, ok?” were the last words he heard before the world became pitch black.

----

Taglist: 

@castielamigos-whump-side-blog @giggly-evil-puppy  @haro-whumps @burtlederp @neuro-whump @comfortforthepain @whumps-the-word @whole-and-apart-and-between @broken-horn-blog @ashintheairlikesnow @rosesareviolentlyread @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @as-a-matter-of-whump  @whumpasaurus101 @grizzlie70 @twistedcaretaker @wingedwhump @unicornscotty @melancholy-in-the-morning

#whump #tw suicide #pet whump #tw murder #tw past abuse #tw blood #tw self harm #tw overdose #whumptober #you came back a stranger #angst #tw victim self blaming #emotional whump #ghosts #tw grief #guilt #suicidal whumpee #tw self loathing #tw implied past torture

[jennandblitz]

Okay I'm v intrigued by Petrol in our Blood and also would love to see what BPD exploration is about 👀

Hello angel!

I answered another ask about Petrol in our Blood here, so you get the BPD ramblings!

This fic is essentially my own process around getting diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and everything else that comes with a mental health diagnosis. I intend largely to use it as a sounding board and might not even post it anywhere but here, but as usual I suspect I may get attached to Sirius like this.

One of my biggest evolving head canons for Sirius Black is that he is a prime example of Borderline Personality Disorder and it really explains and deepens so many actions we see in canon and hear about in our beloved fanon. If anyone is interested I can definitely do a character deep-dive about BPD because I'm passionate about BPD!Sirius.

ANYWAY, snippet below the cut! Trigger warnings for childhood neglect, emotional abuse and therapy, also passing mentions of substance abuse and mental/emotional instability.

“I’ve what?”

Sirius didn’t expect this when James had marched him into therapy a few months prior—after Regulus’ birthday and his meltdown there. True, he acknowledged he had issues, he always had done, was always eager after a few whiskeys to tell his life story to strangers, but he didn’t think it was the kind of thing he’d be here for. His head was spinning, his skin crawling. Having some kind of rubber stamp labelling him as a nutter wasn’t his kind of bag—he could hear his mother’s voice in the back of his head, touting good grades and bad behaviour, of being a Black, of letting her down.

I didn’t get a chance to go to University, Sirius. I didn’t get a chance to do any of this and you will not throw away all the good things your father and I have provided for you. Do not do this to me.

He never wanted for anything, as the son of a wealthy politician living in the middle of London with a scholarship straight to Oxford landed in his lap at sixteen. Sirius didn’t think any of his childhood precluded any of this: he was never physically abused, never sent away from dinner or grounded or had his credit card taken away. He wasn’t an ‘abused’ kid, period.

“Borderline Personality Disorder, Sirius,” Minerva said softly. She was a middle aged woman with salt and pepper hair; any other person with her appearance might remind Sirius of his mother, but Minerva had a comfort about her that Mother wouldn’t be caught dead with. Sirius found peace in her walnut-panelled office like nowhere else; he would start feet on the floor, sitting straight like dinner with the family, but he always finished the session tucked into the corner of the Chesterfield with his chin propped on his palm.

“I don’t believe you,” Sirius told her, arms crossing over his chest. “I’m fine. I don’t see things or hear voices or—or any of that stuff.”

Minerva took off her wire-framed glasses and set them on the arm of her chair. “Feel free not to believe me, Sirius, but we’ve talked about this, and I’ve talked with Dr. Pomfrey.”

Sirius slumped and rubbed his hand up his jaw and cheek. He thought back to all the things he, Minerva and Pomona had discussed over the past six months, all the revelations he had sat with after sessions. How he didn’t remember most of his childhood, barely anything of his younger brother besides his gravestone, how he’d used alcohol as a crutch since he was a teenager and those reoccurring episodes of screaming, yawning emptiness.

#tw: alcohol #tw: emotional abuse #tw: past trauma #wolfstar #asks #WIP game #BPD!Sirius #sirius black #entirely self indulgent ramblings