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raytm · 27 days

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anemone : how does your muse view the world ; as a cruel & unforgiving place , a land full of wonders , or something in - between ? where does that world view come from ( what experiences , life lessons , etc . ) ? marigold : is your muse prone to jealousy ? how might they handle envious feelings

sunflower : what brings your muse the most joy in life ? / @dupliciti

daffodil : is your muse one to be loyal in relationships , or are they likely to quickly move from one bond to another ? / @resolutepathbegonia : how cautious is your muse ? are they prone to noticing red flags , or paranoid to the point of untrusting most everyone ? why or why not ? ( for gepard! ) / @starspurnzinnia : how has the loss of fallen comrades and/or loved ones affected your muse ? has it taught them anything or given them any new perspectives ? / @miraiq

gepard views the world, not through a lens of naivete, however, recognises both its tendency to be cruel but also, it’s potential to be infinite in a multitude of ways. he has witnessed the adversity of war but has also seen the tenacity in others who had endured it, has weathered an eternal winter but sees the sprouting prospects of a belobog where all can be united. he is a bit of a realist, this stems inevitably from both his upbringing and his position as a silvermane guard, however, this does not mean he is disregarding the idea that the world can become a better place for not just him, but others too. I believe he could do with a good dose of romanticism considering he can be a rather serious sort of guy. In the end I would say his position and his broadening perspective ( through meeting and interacting with others and coming to understand their experiences ) holds both the world in this precarious balance of both being somewhere often inhospitable and somewhere that hope has the tendency to take root.

Jealousy is a feeling gepard is learning to navigate. growing up, he was often jealous of his sister, he did not openly express this but she was impressive, talented, things that sometimes were hard for him to grasp came to her effortlessly, for her he was both in awe of and jealous of. There hasn’t really been a place in gepard’s life where he was encouraged to express his feelings openly, negative or otherwise, so growing up he definitely stifled these particular notions of envy while trying to also ?? do as much as he could to catch up with his elder sister. there’s always a gap between knowledge and capacity when one is elder than the other and he spent arduous times trying to breach that threshold. now, when it comes to romance ? he is someone who i believe would place trust in his partner, if he had decided to give himself to someone entirely, he would also be bestowing his trust in them, thus, even if he were jealous, you would likely get him more conflicted about his own feelings than directing that potential envy back at you. It’s complicated for him. His work, His family, seeing the way the world around them is changing and having a place amongst the ranks of those who are actively seeking to change it. gepard was conditioned and prepared to be in the position he is now and thus, he allocates a great deal of his time and energy to it. It’s important to him, duty is important to him, is this truly joy ? the people who make up the silvermane guard, learning about them ? getting to know them on a personal level ? that brings him joy. getting to be involved with others outside in the community and seeing that which they are working to protect brings him joy. spending time in his sister’s shop after hours talking about nothing and everything over a cup of tea brings him joy. he’s very oriented around others and to a degree, his capacity and success as a leader, his joy is innately linked to these things. personally ? there are also smaller, more personal joys in his life, like when he was able to keep his first plant alive for longer than a week, when he can dedicate a moment to respite and sit down and read. It’s just ??? gepard is the sort of person who, after establishing an intimate bond with someone, would have that person become an impactful part of his life. whilst he doesn’t have a great deal of experience with romance ( rip gep pls hold his hand ) he would be giving himself fully to someone else and that is not something that wouldn’t hold an immense weight with him. to him, it was expected that marriage ( and relationships in general ) would hold weight within the family and the other nobility so despite veering quite away from that ideology it is still part of the way he navigates relationships. so, in short no, in long i could write an actual essay on this topic. he’s a bit of a golden retriever boyfriend but if a golden retriever boyfriend could also punch and wall and thus fracture it into a million tiny pieces.

he is a cautious person, it comes with the territory, he has to remain acutely vigilant at any given time due to the peril that is part of his work. He is not an inherently paranoid person but he also has a decent gauge of how trustworthy someone is, he’s had to navigate alot of noble circles in his adolescence leading up to adulthood and thus has been exposed to both charitable and rapacious people. after spending some time with someone, getting to know them a little he finds his discernments to be, usually, rather precise. he regards people with the appropriate amount of suspicion or caution and goes from there truly.

it impacts him everyday, not a solitary day passes where he does not hold the burden in his heart of those who have fallen on the battlefield. he was, in his youth, more ignorant to the weight that held but when he saw his first comrade take a last, shuddering breath and die alongside him it came rushing in like an arctic flood. it has made him someone who takes precautions, who has a proclivity for shielding others instead of himself from harm. gepard is aware of the strength he possesses and he has every intention of utilizing it to prevent any others from dying needlessly. It has made him truly cherish the bonds he has, made him aware of each interaction and how important they are, even if they are just in passing. from the meals he shares with his fellow guards, to the time he spends with his sisters or others from belobog he truly values these precious moments.

#god i knew this one was gonna be ALOT. but here you go some more gepard thoughts.#i am really solidified in how i talk about him bc he lives in my fucking brain all day forever.#if i was ever to solo blog it would be for him.#ooc.#long post /#gepard hc

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jedimemery · 2 years

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Something about TBB discourse that I don’t understand

Last year when tbb s1 was coming out, I saw so many people complaining that there was a “lack of character development” in the show. And yes, while the development of the characters has yet to be fully realized, there has been a surprising lack of in-depth discussion about the journey of a certain character:

This girl.

Now, what makes this bright-eyed, spunky little lady who has existed in the sw universe for less than a year and a half so special? Why is it that, with just one season of television, she has stolen the hearts of so many sw fans (including my own)?

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

When the Batch first meets Omega, she is this mysterious child who is quite enthusiastic about meeting them. Within just the first few hours of them meeting her, she starts a whole mess hall fight, takes care of an injured Echo, and insists she take the blame for said food fight. All for her brothers friends she just met. Then, as the Batch is about to leave for Onderon, she goes out of her way to warn Hunter about the trouble they’re about to unknowingly put themselves in with the Empire. When she gets thrown in prison and is later joined by the Batch, she shows so much patience and understanding with Crosshair when nobody else realizes what’s actually going on with him. She then shows her willingness to take risks as she helps the Batch escape Kamino. Already in the first episode alone, she has proven herself to be a complex character. Feisty, yet kind. Reckless, yet caring. Inexperienced in the field, yet surprisingly resourceful. A bit tactless at times, but very smart.

Now, I could write an analysis of her character through each individual episode, but that would be an entire dissertation’s worth of analysis. For now, let’s hit the highlight reel.

At the beginning of this girl’s journey away from Kamino, we see her totally captivated by the beauty of a galaxy she’s discovering for the first time. This face:

is a face of a child completely enchanted by her surroundings. Just look at the pure wonder in her eyes. 🥺

And as quickly as she’s experiencing the beauty of her surroundings, just as quickly is she exposed to the danger. I mean, heck, in one season alone, that girl gets attacked by a nexu, gets lost in a populated city, almost meets a fiery end via industrial hazards, narrowly avoids getting Order-66’d, and gets snatched more times than I can count. Please someone put her in bubble wrap. She learns that the galaxy, as well as the beings that reside within it, are not as harmless as they might appear. But it is with the help of her loving, protective brothers that she learns to rely on herself just as she relies on them, as well as exercise at least some caution when in seedy places.

But here’s the thing: while she learns and grows in her tactical skills and street smarts, she still holds on to her personality. Yes, that beautiful, wondrous personality that softens the hardest of hearts. That little mind that sees the best in everyone, no matter their shady background or rugged exterior. That heart that extends itself so quickly and freely to new friends (case and point: Trace & Rafa, Hera, Roland Durand??). Even as she’s learning to guard that fragile heart, she still wears it on her sleeve and does everything in her power to help others.

Basically, I’m obsessed with the fact that Omega’s character is written in a way in which she has the capacity to learn and grow, yet she holds on to who she is at the core. Somehow, in the midst of a chaotic and ever-changing galaxy, she adds so much light and life to it all. She’s also so capable of adapting to survive, but the pain and trauma that she has experienced doesn’t make her cold and calloused. The little lab assistant we see at the beginning of the season…

…goes through so much to become this confident, capable young lady we see at the end of the season.

So yes, it’s completely fine to hope and wait for more character development with the other Batchers (heck, I’m excited to see how Tech, Echo, and Crosshair are fleshed out as characters), but I hope I’ve been able to shed some light on the amazing character work the producers have done with Omega in this first season. It really is masterful. And I didn’t even touch on how meaningful her relationship with the Batch turned out to have been all along, as revealed in the finale. (That’s a tumblr post for another day.) Omega is a character who means so much to me, and I cannot wait for her to return to the screen with her brothers. ☺️

#star wars #the bad batch #tbb #tbb omega #character development #smol bean #the best girl #the light of my life #the source of my joy #I had so many thoughts but my adhd said “let’s take 3-5 business days to think of something complete and coherent to say

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ivyschapter · 1 year

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A Peek Inside My Head (a pull from my personal essay class)

A Peek Inside My Head

I am far from a simple girl. I take pride in what I know and interest in what I don't. Like Professor Graham, I don't particularly favor letting strangers take a peek into my mind. Yet, I want to be a writer. What's great is I get to be incharge of the work I display. If I think I've let my brain leak a little too much on the page, I can discard the piece. Though, for this particular assignment, I have allowed all the leakage to stream freely. In this essay I touch on what makes my brain wander far, ignorance, and a personal goal. Gifted with a grand amount of vulnerability, here is a look into my brain.

As a nineteen year old girl, numerous things make my brain go “hmmm.” For example, taxes or even something less complex like the mind of a nineteen year old boy. (slightly kidding!) Both of these things make me wonder. However, those ideas do not live in my brain. The concept of life and love, do. It has been argued for generations about how humans evolved on this giant rock and what our significance is. To me, the soundness of how we managed to get here or transform into who we are doesn't matter. What matters is that we're here, I’m here, right now. Out of all the planets, solar systems, galaxies, and universes my soul seeks refuge on earth. And to have the ability to experience a deep connection full of raw emotion, on a giant rock, makes my brain go “hmmm.”

“Come on Man!” is what I would say to the owner of a 2011 Honda Civic after they’ve cut me off on the freeway. Bad driving drives me absolutely mad. Something I've noticed about bad drivers is that they justify their actions by saying something along the lines of “i've got somewhere to be.” So does everyone else. Maybe a child is in the back of their mothers minivan throwing up on the way to the hospital, an employee late for work on their third strike, or an old man on his way to visit his wife’s grave, regardless, everyone has somewhere to be. The danger factor also contributes to the issue. Putting other’s lives at risk is something that happens every time one gets behind the wheel. Thinking that your destination is more important than everyone else’s is ignorant. Ignorant people cause me to scream “come on man!” on the freeway.

J’apprends le français mais je ne suis pas très bon. In English, this phrase translates to “I am learning French but I am not very good”. Before understanding life as I do now, I had no interest in learning another language. But, I got to college and all of the sudden my mind began to explore new ideas and opportunities. At first, I hated attempting to grasp how the French communicate. C’est difficile. Nonetheless, after indulging in a semester or two, I have fallen in love with trying. To be brutally honest, I suck at remembering and pronunciation is killer. I am far from great, some might even say horrible, but get back to me five years down the line. I might be conversing with a local under the brightly lit night sky in Paris, fluently. I am not good at speaking French but I strongly wish to be.

As stated before, I consider myself out of the box labeled “simple.” This consideration has its pros and cons. I see life and love through the eyes of youth and I have the capacity for a new language. With this, I also overthink about people who change lanes too quickly. I hope I have shed light on how I think and why I do so, in an admirable fashion.

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mortaljin · 2 years

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Overdue Explanation (an overview of this blog from the beginning) TW!!!!

Hi everyone... this is going to be a long and sad post, but it is one that is long overdue.

In March of 2018 I revamped this old account into a new one where I could share my love for BTS and quickly share my love of writing.

I finished my first series "Meadows" after only three months of daily grinding to update on an almost weekly basis. It was then that I found my great passion for writing and story telling.

Until August of that year, I worked steadily to pump out content as much as I could. I wrote more one shots (or two shots like Finding Solace on the Brink of Death) and even began another series "Maybe Ever After." I got about 6 chapters in when I had to return to college after summer break. I managed to publish 13 installments of the series (around 80k words) by the end of 2018...

And then I didn't publish anything until the summer of 2021...

And then I didn't post anything after that...

So here I am, hoping to give you a run down of the reasons why I do not think I can ever come back to this blog.

Note, the information under the cut may be triggering to you. Please read with caution or do not read at all if sadness, tragedy, and death will make you uncomfortable. So, TL;DR--until my life stops sucking I will never be able to focus on this blog the way I used to.

When I transferred to a new college in the fall of 2018 I quickly became depressed with my new environment and even became very sick with mental health issues. Thankfully by the 2nd semester I had found my niche and began to become well again. I think I posted some little things in the spring of 2019.

By that fall I was coming to my last year of college. I actually felt motivated at one point and hammered out a decent bit of the next chapter of Maybe Ever After. I only ended up posting half of the chapter since it was all I had completed up to that point and I really wanted to become a presence in the community again.

We all know how march of 2020 went and so I do not think I have to explain much; the world was on fire and it was my first year out of college in a full time job. Enough said.

After I graduated college I moved to another state to pursue a job. All and all I was simply learning how to be an adult outside of college and survive on my own. Hence the continued lack of updates.

However, in the spring of this year, a great tragedy fell on me. I lost the man I was dating to a traumatic betrayal and murder committed by someone I trusted and loved very much.

For the last 6 months I have been forced to pursue help for my PTSD and other mental health issues that I have struggled my whole life with. If there was any chance of me to continue being on this blog, it went out the window with this tragedy.

On occasion I am inspired to write and so I add to my outline for a Meadows original novel. But otherwise there is nothing major that I have the capacity to write. I hope and pray that one day I can give you guys something, if theres any of you that are still waiting and wondering.

I am sorry that I disappeared from the community so suddenly. This has always been a safe haven for me... so when things got really good, I felt no need for me to seek comfort and support here... and when things got so bad, there is nothing that this blog can do to help me...

All that being said, I have a desire to return but I am self aware enough to know that will never happen. I will continue to leave this blog open and running so that you may enjoy my past writings. I do check this blog occasionally for comments and messages, so please do not hesitate to reach out that way. These stories are still mine and are owned by me, so I ask my loyal followers to handle my stories with respect and care.

If there is ever a day where this changes and the world is brighter again; or if there is a day that my love for writing begins again and I finish my Original Novel... then I will join you guys with open arms and share our love for BTS once again. Until then, please take care of yourselves.

Please pray for my well being as I will always pray for yours!!

Thank you, my Mortal Sinners (get it? ha ha)

#about me #tw violent death

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meshlasolus · 2 years

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What One Was Mine

Chapter 9

Summary: Locked away in a house her entire life, she always dreamed of exploring the nearby kingdom for just a day, believing it could make the rest of her days in solitude bearable. What she was unaware of, was the real reason she’d been hidden away for so long. Changes comes swift like a flying dagger when a thieving bounty hunter seeks solace in the old home.

Din Djarin Royalty!AU / Tangled!AU

Pairing: Din Djarin x Princess Kryze!Reader

A/n: Seriously one of my favorite chapters thus far. It gives me such good vibes, and this is a scenario that has played in my head forever... so enjoy. The dance is inspired by the live action peter pan movie, and I even wrote it to fit the fairy dance song.

Warnings: more discomfort, public embarrassment, slight harassment. Fluff, and lots of touching...

The next few mornings were drab, and far from being a necessary occurrence. The maids were in your room the moment the sun rose, and it was completely and utterly obnoxious. You hated the way you had to be tended to, hand and foot, never a moment alone to simply dress yourself, or take in the morning light. You learned very quickly over the next couple of days that the castle ran on a strict schedule, and it was not to be trifled with. There were rules left and right, and they were not to be disobeyed, especially by the princess. They gave no exceptions, even though you had only just gotten here and didn't know the way of things. You hated it. Most of all the rules that had been implemented on you, you were not allowed to see Din and Grogu until all your tasks for the day had been completed. That meant that you usually ended up sneaking into their room late at night, or that they were only spared a few minutes in-between your so called 'royal duties.'

You only hoped that they were comfortable, and once you got the hang of things, the reins would be loosened, and you could spend more time with them in this new capacity.

They were doing well enough, building a strong bond of their own, but they missed your presence horribly. They came here because of you, but they barely saw your face in their days.

It was only today, that you caught the first whiff of belonging here as an important member.

Sat around the table for tea, the king, two members of his court, and his advisor joined you on the bright and sunny afternoon. The dress you were wearing was very tight, and mortifyingly fancy. It wasn't the type of garment you would have chosen if set in front of you. You knew that the King had been assigning you all your outfits as of lately, and though it still made you uncomfortable, with the way he looked upon you, you supposed it was still a nice gesture to prepare it all. Din had done the same thing once... but he picked out exactly what you wanted. Talk of your name brought you out of your mis-fitful trance.

"Of course, a grand ball will be thrown in her honor," The king mentioned, reaching for your hand. You didn't really understand why he wanted to touch you so much, but you played along, filling the role of the princess like you knew you could. You even faked a smile.

"Wonderful, I'll see to it that the arrangements are made for tomorrow evening."

Then the eyes were on you.

"Is that to your liking, your highness?" One of the court members asked. She had been fairly quiet all this time, and had been looking to you strangely, as if you'd met before. She was beautiful and striking, with fiery red hair, braided back into her headpiece.

"I suppose. I've never been to an event such as this, is there any etiquette I may need to learn before then?"

There was a bout of laughter around the table, excluding the red headed girl. Your cheeks turned red, and you felt embarrassed in their presence.

"Dancing is of the upmost importance. It is symbolic to royal status, and everyone watching will get to see you for the first time since you've returned. You don't want to disappoint them, do you?" The king taunted. You were able to keep your chin up long enough to reply, shaking off the horrible nerves and anxiety that grew in the pit of your stomach.

"Of course not. I'm sure I will have the steps learned by tomorrow."

It was impossible. Every person sitting at the table knew it, and most of them figured it was part of the king's plan. To exploit you. To make you fail in the worst ways possible. To feel as though you could never lead this kingdom and to succumb to defeat. Then he could swoop in and further his advances. He wanted you as his trophy since the moment you walked in the doors. It only helped that you belonged to the Kryze house. Then he could finally have a queen, one who will unite the kingdom with its ruler, and give him the chance to secure his seat in the throne for a time unlimited.

When the others left, the king excused you to a moment of free time before you met with the dressmaker for tomorrow's event. You bowed humbly and thankfully, before walking slowly around the corner to avoid suspicion. Once you were out of sight, you ripped up the layers of luxurious fabric from your legs, pulling the agonizing shoes from your feet and hiding them behind a statue in the hallway. It was so much easier to walk without them, and since the dress was floor length, no one could even tell they were there anyway.

You ran down the hallway, the sun shining through the colorful stain glass windows and creating a beautiful pattern on the floors. You ran and hid, avoiding anyone that might catch a glance of you sneaking into your hunter's room without a chaperone or an ounce of permission.

You swiftly knocked on the door, and waited, but when there was no answer, you knocked again. Surely, he wasn't out. The only thing he ever left for was to eat in the servants dining hall, and to take Grogu on walks through the outdoor scenery. Though he was free to go and do whatever he pleased, he stayed close by, in case you needed him... and you did.

You opened the door, cracking it slightly and taking a look inside. Both he and your baby were nowhere to be found, so you began to enter and wait for them, swinging the door wider as you stepped through. Before you made it all the way, you heard a voice.

"To what do I owe the pleasure? your highness," it was followed up by a hand on your waist.

You spun around and gave a smile of delight, but it didn't last long when you remembered why you came here.

"I need your help," you said, taking the excited green goblin from his hands, and hugging him close to your body while backing into his room.

"Care to elaborate?"

You rolled your eyes and sat back onto the bed, letting the baby play with your fingers while you spoke. He missed you these past few days, your gentle touch, and motherly love.

"The king has informed me that a grand ball will be held in my honor, and I am to learn all the customs of etiquette, including dancing."

He furrowed his brows and sat down with a puzzled look.

"That doesn't seem so bad," he tried to console you, but there was more he hadn't heard.

"The ball is tomorrow."

He bit his lip to prevent himself from saying anything naughty in the presence of the child, and in this case, you. This seemed far too drastic to invoke on you so early into your royal life. You didn't know the first thing about attending a ball. In all your books it was described as a night of fantasy, where a girl could wear a magnificent dress, and dance with the prince of her dreams. It was far more political than that. It was an affair of people who held high status coming together to discuss intellectual ways in providing sufficiency for their people and/or lands. Assets. Money. Land. Those were the real topic of a ball. Not the extravagant foods, or the delightful ambience. It was all politics.

"Look, I haven't had a job in a while where I had to go under cover," He paused, and your face lit up, knowing he had something up his sleeve. "But I did once attend a party which was very similar.... and I was the duke of Wessleton. I learned how to dance and did so convincingly enough that they invited me to another event."

"You are just full of surprises. Next, you'll tell me you've met with the wise elves of the mountains," you playfully leaned into him, and he smiled brightly. This was the first un-chaperoned visit you'd payed him since that first night in the castle. He was happy to feel normal around you again. Even when you walked in the gardens together, and the lady in waiting, or royal advisor would straggle far behind you, it was hard to be natural. He was worried they might hear something they didn't want to, or that they would see him touch you in a way they deemed inappropriate. It was too much stress to actually spend time with you in those times, so he was thankful for now. This moment spent quietly together in his room, with your child whom he'd come to love as his own.

"Maybe someday we'll go together."

He leaned in and pressed a kiss to your forehead, letting a hand travel delicately through your pinned up hair. He didn't like how they made you do it. It wasn't your style, and it made you look so much older than you were. It wasn't fair. They were making you lose your childlike qualities, the innocent and sweet parts about you that made up the key parts of your personality.

He wouldn't say anything in your presence, knowing all the things you were trying to do to fit in and do a good job, while all the royal duties were so graciously dumped on your head without an ounce of help or supervision. He would never put more stress on you than there already was, but he hated what they were doing to you. Changing you into a snobby rich princess who looks down on the common folk and only scoffs at their troubles. You could never be that way, truly. You were too kind, too gentle, and too compassionate towards others. You wanted to help people, not push them further in misery. Still, you conceded with the fluffy hairdos and the poofy, uppity dresses they stuffed you in every morning before the crack of dawn.

He missed your soft locks falling effortlessly by your face, the unruly curls doing their job of framing your cheeks and forehead where he sometimes laid soft kisses. He missed the natural glow of beauty you held without all the fake porcelain-looking powder they pressed so deep into your skin. He most of all missed the sweet shape of your eyes, untouched by the dramatic lines they drew on, which did little to accentuate what lied beneath. Nothing could compare with him to how you were before they did all this, to what you still were now, under all the ruffles.

"I suppose I have to go now; they will be looking for me at any moment. They want me to meet with the seamstress. I'm sure I can sneak back in tonight, if you're sure you can help me prepare," you suggested, standing up but taking his hands and keeping them close. He knew this little moment was too sweet to last, but he appreciated it nonetheless, due to the current circumstances.

"I'll teach you tonight, but not here," he stood to meet you, pulling you in one last time before you should have to depart. "I need far more space if I am to demonstrate my secret abilities."

You chucked at his silly notions, then kissed him on the cheek. You knew if you kissed him now, the light red color that adorned your lips would surely smudge and give away what you were up to in your spare time.

You had to pry yourself away, his addictive presence would only draw you back in closer if you did not make for the door.

The amounts of fabric pushed in your face from every which direction was enough to startle you into a heart attack. You did not see the point in picking out the materials for your dress, as everything else you've wanted to wear since you've been here has been deemed purely ridiculous. They would surely redo everything you chose anyway.

You wanted to make an effort, though. You chose a beautiful emerald color, like the trees that surrounded your old home. The smooth satin texture would certainly be enough to bring comfort while also exalting beauty and elegance. The golden leafy trims that would line the bottom seemed to pull everything together. You would embody mother nature herself. A goddess of nature and all those who lived within. Perhaps a flower crown could be molded to fit atop your head.

You wondered what Din would think of you in such a lovely gown, which you chose the design of. Would he gaze upon you as he did when you looked in his eyes? With all the wonder and adoration that a man could possibly hold. You hoped he would spin you around the ballroom floor, letting the dress glide with the motions you now knew he possessed. Who knew he was so full of secret talents?

"Who are you thinking about, dear?" The seamstress raised a brow as she drew up her design on the parchment.

"Pardon?"

"The pink on your cheeks, darling... surely, you're thinking of someone," She looked back down to her page, smiling intently, though you were a bit startled by her suggestions.

"I suppose I am; he fills my mind in most moments."

Your confession had her in a fit of chuckles. She was on the older side, so her laughter reminded you of a motherly figure. She was kind, and sat with you so plainly, as if you had no royal status whatsoever. It made you more comfortable than all the formalities.

"The king?"

Your eyes went wide, and you stuttered for words.

"I-" you tried to gather a fully formed sentence, but your breath had hitched in your throat, and it seemed harder than usual. "I have no such feelings for the king I'm afraid. My heart longs for another."

Her smile dropped suddenly. It seemed everyone in the castle knew of the king's plans but you. You were so unsure of the grand scheme of things, therefore you thought nothing of it. What should worry the mind of someone who is surrounded by ignorance?

"I see," she finished the last touches to the gown on the parchment page and set her quill back into the inkpot. "Be careful of whom you let know these things."

When she turned around the paper to reveal the grand ballgown to you, your reaction was only a bit dimmed by her warning. You would heed it carefully. It gave you some insight that perhaps you were not supposed to feel the things you did for Din.

Outside of the seamstress' workshop within the castle, the king eavesdropped without a care in the world. He slightly regretted it, because hearing what he did meant that there was a staple in his plan that shouldn't be there. Who was this mystery man whom you'd taken such a liking towards? A stable boy, perhaps. One who was young and able bodied, who groomed the horses you visited daily. Surely it couldn't be one of his palace guards, who were so devoted to being loyal to him. Of course, now that a beautiful young princess was involved, all bets must be off.

He knew he would find the object of your desire and dispose of him indefinitely. That would be the only way his plan could proceed.

The cobblestones of the palace gardens were cold beneath bare feet, but no shoes could be worn in fears of being caught at such a late hour. The guards were retired to their quarters by now, the only ones in a waking state being that of the surrounding walls, keeping watch through the night.

Your giggled erupted so softly, muffled by your hands in an attempt to keep quiet, but the idea of being some place you were not supposed to be was so thrilling, you couldn't help yourself. You waited for your midnight accomplice to catch up, sneaking out passed the pillars and into the grassy earth of the gardens. It was gorgeous in the evenings, with the moonlight peaking over every turret to make the white roses gleam with a silvery blue glow.

"Is this spacious enough for you?" You said rambunctiously, taking him up on his offer and providing him the means to do so.

"It very well could be, as long as you promise to keep your voice down," his slightly grumpy tone wasn't real, but it did instill a need in you to be softer spoken. You knew the repercussions of getting caught, and they were not desirable.

"Like this?" You whispered in return, coming close to him so he could hear you better. The air was chill but the heat surrounding him was ever so inviting.

"Better," he gently took hold of your hand, walking you to the middle of the grass patch, separating himself from your form to bow.

You were no expert, but you knew the correct thing to do was curtsey before you took his offered-out hand. It was clumsy, not princess like at all, but it was so truly you in every aspect. You took his hand and stepped closer to his body while he guided your hands to where they needed to be. His eyes were elsewhere when he repositioned you, but yours held firmly on his every expression. The way he bit his lip slightly before letting his tongue dart out over it in one swipe. The furrow of his brow as he placed his own hand where it needed to go. He'd held you before, but it seemed every time he had his hands on you it was the first. It seemed like he could never really get used to the affects you had on him. You didn't even know it either. How fast his heart would beat under your touch, and rapidly increased more when you smiled up at him.

"Follow my lead, without looking down move your leg with mine," he explained. You understood the general concept, and being a quick learner you figured whatever he showed you would be easily ingrained into your physical memory.

"I'm sorry in advance," you chuckled. His heart was set aflame at the sound but he didn't quite understand your meaning.

"For what?" Again his brow furrowed and he squeezed your hand tighter. Not tight, because the feather light touch he held you with still remained, there just came a small engulfment of your hand in his.

"For stepping on you."

He scoffed and shook his head. You were not as clumsy or unable as you sometimes let on. He would make a dancer out of you, yet.

He nodded once and you let out a breath, waiting for him to take the first step. He slowly let his leg make contact with yours, and you followed the movements easily. He took more steps, guiding you around in a shape he hadn't even known the name of. It was so natural to you, like you'd somehow done it before. You hadn't, but the connection you felt with the man before you was so strong. It guided you in a dance that was as graceful as the soft moonbeams shining above, casting beautiful shadows in the garden, and illuminating your figures with an enchanting glow. You felt like a fairy, light and weightless and ever so beautiful.

He made you feel more beautiful and adored than anyone could ever dream of being. He lifted you off the ground in ways you couldn't fathom.

"As far as I can tell, you haven't stepped on me once," he recalled your earlier statement, the one that made him laugh under his breath. He knew you were going to succeed, because it was so easy for you to pick up even the hardest tasks. Gifted with beauty and endless intelligence, you could do simply anything in this world. That's what he thought of you. "Let's see what else you can do."

You were lost in his eyes the second he looked at you. You hoped he hadn't noticed the daze in your stare, he too seemed enraptured. The contact of his eyes darted down to your lips only momentarily before your feet hit the ground and he was holding your hand again.

He let go of your hand and used the free arm to support you, lifting you from the ground while he kept on in his shapely pattern. You were soaring above the grass, your head in the clouds. You were a fairy, no doubt about it. Wingless, sure, but ever bit as magical and charming.

You were so locked in your daze that you hadn't noticed a dark figure in the balcony above the gardens. You just kept dancing as your heart fluttered rapidly.

"I didn't know dancing could feel so intimate," you breathed out, and he smirked in return. The absolute pain that was. Pity it left so soon. He was enrapturing, similarly to a striking wolf who wondered alone on the outskirts of the village. You would not take your eyes away.

"Something more formal, perhaps?"

His hand left your waist, slightly pushing your hips to face away from him. You were parallel to each other while facing opposite directions, and only walking in step with your hands connected. This looked more like how you envisioned a proper dance in an upper society event. It was an easily usable step, but it bored you to no end. You much preferred the comfort of his warm embrace.

He seemed to notice your longing for his touch and brought you back, chest to chest as your faces became immeasurably closer. He had completely set you under his spell, but you resided happily in it. It was a feeling you only ever felt for him. He let go of one hand, spinning you outward. You nearly yelped for being unprepared, but his hand guiding your waist kept you turning over the cobblestones in the upmost grace and beauty.

"I'm beginning to think you've danced before," he said with a chuckle. Surely the enthralling movements you'd seemed so skilled with weren't just a natural happening for you. You must have practiced.

Perhaps it was just the moonlight, or maybe it was the fireflies rising over the rose bushes that tricked him into seeing something differently, but he was a man that was harshly invested on staying in reality. He never believed in fairytales, but right now he felt he was living in one. The lovely lost princess took an interest in a common thief and hunter, falling in love with him and changing his heart for the better.

Totally oblivious to any onlookers, you danced with your entire heart. The King Gideon was the dark shadow that loomed above, and what he saw displeased him greatly. He hadn't realized the extent of your naivety, but now he knew your true intentions, his own plans were ruined.

You felt eyes on you all of a sudden but did not express that feeling to your dance partner. He had other, more powerful thoughts plaguing his mind. Thoughts of you entangled with him in a more intimate way than you've ever been. You were so pure, and he knew you'd never been had a day in your life.... but he wanted you, so passionately, so fervently. He was completely and undoubtedly in love with you, every part. He'd spend everyday of his life proving that, starting now.

You locked gazes and could tell just by the look in his eyes that something had changed. He was filled with certainty.

There was a hand that crawled up your back, resting at your neck and holding it so gently. The things you were capable of and he still treated you so carefully.

He kissed your forehead first, then the tip of your nose, and finally leaned into your lips before pausing. You both had eyes closed, taking your time, not rushing anything. The moments were sweet, you couldn't take a chance at losing that feeling.

He brushed his lips against yours with barely an ounce of pressure. Shockwaves already coursed through you, and you wished he would just kiss you already. The only man who had ever kissed you, was somehow the best of anyone. His hand clenched around your waist, brining you impossibly closer, and then his lips molded with yours. It made no sense that someone like you could ever fit so perfectly to him, like pieces of an intricately cut puzzle.

His kisses made you want something. You weren't sure exactly the object of your intentions, but whenever he connected himself to you with his sweet lips, there spread a warm feeling in the pit of your stomach. You wondered if he could feel it too, or tell you what it meant.

Soft and glowing, the skin of your cheek drew his other hand from the back of your neck. He drew small circles over the rosy areas with his thumb, breaking apart from you to get a glance of your appearance. Your lips far more swollen now, with a remnant gloss of his own lips still visible.

Not another moment need be wasted, he knew what he was to do. He took a small step back, if only to give you some room while he dropped to one knee. Your breath hitched in your throat as you took his hands in yours. He kissed the tops of each one, lingering a moment to make you feel how serious he was being.

He was a skeptic, positive he lived in a loveless world. There was only money and pleasure to make you happy here, he kept those words in his mind daily. He couldn't even remember a trace of them, now.

"Marry me."

And with that you were gone. You'd been gone truly a while ago, nearly the day you met him... but now he was on the ground, offering you a future with him by your side and of course you would accept. You would happily spend the rest of your life loving him endurantly.

"I want to spend my days looking upon you the way I do now, and giving you everything I can offer."

You couldn't even speak, the tears that started to sprout from the corners of your eyes were a testament to that. You smiled wider than you may have ever before, and nodded rapidly. He wasn't nervous you'd say no, but he was overjoyed with your response.

He stood to his feet and engulfed you with his strong arms. You felt so safe whenever they were around your smaller frame.

"I love you," he whispered, keeping you close even still. He'd be damned to even let you go back to your room tonight. He wished to lay beside you, to play with your hair while you slept peacefully until the morning light shown through those ridiculously ornate stain glass windows.

"I love you, too."

Cloud nine was a dangerous place to reside, because it brought a fake sense of comfort in the middle of a hurricane. The shadow still lurked in the darkness, his view of the exchange boiled his blood thicker by the minute. It was a wonder he hadn't keeled over for how rageful he'd become.

He knew this man's past, and had ordered his death sentence just days ago... he'd pardoned the crimes and even let him stay in his home, the great palace. It felt like betrayal in the worst sense. He had let go of his other plans, at least temporarily, to deal with the nuisance that plagued him and his future queen.

A death sentence could still be carried out if he wished it to be so.

@i-ameri-cant @littlemisspascal @fanfics-toread @icanbeyourjedi @castleallherown @mysticalgalaxysalad @princess-prettyy @67impalagirl13 @agingerindenial @childrenofthewatch @insomniac-nerd-posts-things @marjoherbo @juletheghoul-main @tiredbuthappy @themand0lorian @janebby @goldielocks2004 @yuiopiklmn @oh-no-who-am-i @appleejuice @luxmundee @belovedadam @seninjakitey

#SoundCloud #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal edit #pedro pascal #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian imagine #the mandalorian au #the mandalorian #din djarin fanfiction #din djarin #din djarin x jedi!reader #din djarin x princess!reader #din djarin x reader #tangled fic recs #tangled au #tangled

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falcqns · 3 years

Note

PLEASE d o a pet 2 to winter loves you too. god, the whole concept is amazing. maybe showcasing winter waking the s/o up at night & needing love & then maybe him & bucky reconciling?

Winter loves you too ll

pairing: soft!Winter Soldier x Reader

warnings: fluff, Winter is his own person and just sharing a body with Bucky, Bucky and Winter getting along well, almost little!Winter?? idk how that happened tbh, slight angst.

a/n: hope you enjoy!

it always started out with his breathing changing.

when he was Bucky, his breathing was full and healthy. when he was Winter, his breathing became erratic, and more shallow, as if he was expecting a hit.

then, the gentle fingers pushing your hair back. as you opened your eyes, you immediately knew it was Winter. Bucky never woke you up in the middle of the night despite his nightmares, and he never woke you up by playing with your hair. that was only reserved for Winter.

you’d give him a smile, and ask the same question you always did. “can I touch you?” he’d give a slow nod, and you’d sit up. once you did that, he got a sad look on his face, and you knew he needed love.

“did you tell Bucky?” you asked, and he shook his head. ever since Bucky found out what Winter had been doing, Winter had been making more of an appearance, and it wasn't limited to the middle of the night. he’d also been communicating with Bucky more, and you’d often find Bucky doing things you normally wouldn’t, and you knew that it was him entertaining Winter despite Winter being inside.

before, he never spoke properly. It was incoherent mumbling in a mix between Russian and English, and hand gestures. you often though of Winter as a child in an adult body, and the more he was out and given the chance to act as a human, he was able to communicate more.

the shifting between the two of them seemed to be smoother now, and you learned that to Bucky, it felt like falling asleep. so when Winter was out, Bucky was able to rest his mind for a little.

you reached out toward Winter, and he leaned into you. your hand came to cup his jaw, and his head melted into your touch as you felt a tremble run through his body.

he whimpered, and you tried to decipher what he needed. you found his eyes were locked on your chest and smiled. it wasn't a sexual look, it never was sexual with Winter. he was much like Bucky in the way that he loved your boobs, but he loved them for comfort reasons. you sat back against the headboard, and opened your arms.

he crawled in between your legs and settled his head against your left boob, his ear listening to your heartbeat. that was another way he was different was the preferred boob. to him, your heartbeat was his grounding tool, but Bucky’s was skin to skin contact after being deprived of gentle and loving touch for so long.

once Winter was settled, you ran your fingers through his hair. you let it be quiet for a few moments, before speaking.

“why are you awake, my love?” you asked in the most motherly voice you could muster. he shrugged his shoulders. you sighed, knowing it was deeper than that. you altered your next question so that a childlike mental capacity could understand.

“what emotion are you feeling?” he snuggled closer before speaking.

“scared.” he whispered, and you nodded. “s-sorry.” he followed up with and you shook your head.

“its okay to feel emotions. you’re not going to be hurt here. you're safe.” you reassured him. he often felt like he was going to be punished for needing something, and you always assured him that you were not going to punish him, for anything.

“what is making you scared?”

you felt him tremble, and wondered if he was going to cry. the last time he broke down as Winter, he hid himself under the bed and all you could do was sit and listen to his pained wails because he wouldn't allow anyone else near him.

“bad. gun.” he said, in his gruff voice, and you immediately understood.

“you’re scared of the bad guys with guns?” he immediately nodded, and you hugged him closer to your chest. “no ones going to hurt you, Winter. you’re safe here. I'm going to protect you, Bucky’s going to protect you the most. everyone here is going to make sure your safe and the bad guys with the guns don't take you ever again.” you reassured him.

“Buck. Nice.” He said, and you smiled.

“Bucky’s nice?” you asked, and he nodded.

“tells me jokes.” you let out a laugh at that.

“is that why I see him smiling and laughing to himself?” and Winter nodded, a giggle escaping his mouth. “I’m glad you two are getting along.”

“I tell him sorry.” he said simply and you smiled.

“I am very happy that you told him sorry, even though none of that was your fault sweetie.” he looked up at you and touched your face with his metal hand.

“I'm proud of you,” you said, and felt warmth spread through your chest when when he smiled and tears spread on his face.

“proud?” he questioned, and you nodded.

“I am so so proud of all the progress you’ve been making.” then you recalled a memory and wanted to praise him for it. “I am especially proud that you apologized to Tony for what happened to his parents. it was very brave of you to do that.”

you hadn’t even asked him to do it, but he walked up to Tony one day and hugged him. Tony looked alarmed, as the only person other than you that Bucky would hug was Steve, but melted into it when you told him it was Winter, not Bucky.

“I sorry for hurt.” He said simply, but Tony seemed to understand what he was saying and forgave him instantly before giving him a popsicle, which wasn't the best idea because he started zooming around the tower with both you and Steve running behind him. you had deliberately left that out of your ‘report’ to Bucky when Winter went back inside.

you looked back down at Winter and his finger booped your nose.

“love you.” he said, and you smiled.

“I love you too, Winter.”

he placed his finger on your lip and you kissed it, before you saw his eyes fluttering shut. you smiled, and fell asleep moments later.

the next morning, you woke up before Bucky, but only by a few moments. Bucky’s blue eyes met yours a few seconds later, and he looked confused at the new position.

“did he come out last night?” he asked, and you nodded with a smile.

“yep. not for long. just needed some cuddles, and fell back asleep. it was 5 or 10 minutes at most.” you said. “is he awake yet?” you asked, since Bucky was able to communicate with him when he was back inside. Bucky focused for second, but shook his head.

“nope.” he said simply, and a smile spread across your face as you recalled last night.

“so, he told me that you tell him jokes?” you asked, amused and Bucky chuckled.

“little traitor. he promised me that was our secret!”

#bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes drabble #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes reader insert #bucky barnes fanfiction #the winter solider fanfiction #the winter solider imagine #tfatws #fatws

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carlyraejcpsen · 3 years

Text

alright, i’ve tried to keep quiet because i truly believe in karma and wanted this rp to close through the admin’s own actions and not give them any opportunities to blame it on me instead. it also felt like beating a dead horse, because i was sure they’d close the rp after losing a huge proportion of their active members and the majority of their diversity. however, after seeing multiple people sharing their experiences today, they are still posting promo posts and starting their event. so yeah, here’s my experience with @thevillagerp

NOTE: i no longer have screenshots from my conversations with the admins, as i blocked them when i left the rp for the sake of my own mental health, but i did save the text in my drafts, so the messages below are copy pasted. i have not edited them in any way. They also deleted my original anonymous messages off of their blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: racism, very vague allusions to homophobia and transphobia

so i was a member of this roleplay for around two months. during my time there, it was startlingly obvious that white fcs were preferred and prioritised, both from the fact that they got more plots and interactions in general and from the fact that admins never promoted diversity on the main. even now, they repeatedly say they “would still love to receive some more male and non-binary apps” while ignoring that they currently have a ratio of 8 fcs of colour to 24 white fcs. their diversity rules at the time were that 1/3 of a mun’s characters had to be played by an fcoc. so people could easily just play one or two white characters.

a while ago, i sent an anonymous message to the main asking if they had considered perhaps changing this rule to be 2/3 characters instead of 1/3, since there were so few muses of colour in the roleplay (as i said before, they’ve since deleted this from their blog so i cannot provide a screenshot). they responded that they had been thinking of upping the character limit to four instead of three, with a rule that 2/4 must be played by an fcoc. i gave them the benefit of the doubt and the time to enact this change, but nothing happened.

so a few weeks later, i sent them this message on anonymous:

I was wondering if you had thought any more about the diversity rules here? I know you said before that you were considering increasing the character limit, but I noticed that hasn’t happened and I wanted to know if that was a change we’re going to see or if you would consider changing the rules in another way? I’m really disheartened by the lack of diversity in the roleplay

at the time there were 18 characters of colour out of a total of over 60. they responded (again, i’m sorry i don’t have the actual wording since they’ve deleted the messages) that they had thought about it and decided against upping the character limit, but instead would be having a weekly “poc acceptance day,” where they would only be accepting apps with fcs of colour. they also said they were doing this “now that the waitlist was mostly cleared,” which meant that the rp was mostly at capacity anyway, so they needed to look more at how to encourage their existing members to promote diversity, since there weren’t spaces open for new people to bring them in.

i responded with another anon expressing my disappointment and pointing out that they had done more to prevent having too many celebrity characters than too few muses of colour, as at the time they had a ban on celebrity muses. i wouldn’t usually suggest a ban on certain fcs, but as it was something they had done for celebrity characters, then i supposed it was a reasonable option.

they didn’t even respond to this message and instead posted on the main asking me to come off anon to discuss it. so i did, and i sent them the following dm:

i didn’t want to come off anon because i honestly feel really ostracised in this group and didn’t want to make it worse, but i don’t want to drop this issue and you aren’t comfortable addressing it publicly so here we are i guess. like i said in my previous message, i really don’t see how a “poc acceptance day” is going to make anywhere near enough of a difference. people will just wait for the opportunity to play their white characters. there are only 18 characters of colour in a roleplay with over 60 characters. that’s less than a third, which is obviously concerning. what’s even more concerning for me is that these characters are more often than not overlooked. i am often ghosted when plotting, or people don’t even reach out at all when i like plotting calls or intro posts. and then i have to watch characters like leo almost exclusively interact with white women (i’m sure that’s not the only example, but it is the first that comes to mind as he is one of the more active characters).

so this issue goes so much deeper than there just not being adequate representation in the rp. i really tried to help, i suggested making it a rule that 2/3 characters need to be poc in my original ask and you mentioned upping the character limit in response. i was worried that my concerns were being brushed aside, but i waited a while to give you the benefit of the doubt and the space to discuss the issue. so you can understand why it was really upsetting today to learn that the one thing you suggested was dropped and instead replaced with something that is barely scratching the surface of the problem. and i don’t know if it was your intention, but by saying that you were waiting for the waitlist to clear, it comes across as not wanting to receive any backlash from people who would want to join with only white characters. and even if people did want to join with faceclaims of colour, they can’t because the waitlist is cleared. like i suggested, you could change the rules so that 2 out of 3 characters must be people of colour. or, as was your proposed idea, up the character limit to four. you could also put a temporary ban on white faceclaims until the ratio evens out. as i mentioned, it’s really distressing that this was something you were willing to do for celebrity characters, but not to aid diversity.

i also just want to make it clear that these have been the only anons i’ve sent, i know you’ve been getting other ones, but those weren’t from me!!

( for context, they were receiving anons from someone else claiming that they felt left out in the rp ).

i had hoped that coming off anon would show them that this was a very real issue which was affecting their members, as well as giving them a space to discuss it privately instead of on the main. they responded with:

Hi Em, thank you for coming forward. We really, really appreciate it and we understand it’s not an easy thing to do. We also appreciate you flying the flag for diversity so strongly. We can always strive to be better, we are on the same page with you here.

Let us just explain our decision making. Firstly, just to address the waitlist, that was certainly not at all our intention when we brought it up. It was a logistical decision with 5+ applicants having already waited a week for acceptance and aware of their position on a waitlist.

When we decided against upping the character limit (and therefore the 2/4 POC character rule), we thought a POC acceptance day could be a good alternative course of action. In our eyes, this was something that would probably bring more POC characters to the group than the 2/4 rule because we knew there weren’t going to be many muns taking up an additional fourth character. This was a rule we’ve seen other groups enjoy success from so we wanted to try it out here. Plus, we think a day that explicitly highlights diversity every week would bring the message to the forefront of everyone’s minds. As we said, we’re going to monitor this over the next couple of weeks to see if it brings any improvement because we’d really like to have it as an ongoing rule.

The non-POC ban is actually a measure we’ve spoken about too and we are considering putting one in place should this fail. Thank you for raising your concerns, know that we’ve taken them very seriously and we hope that you’ll trust our judgement in trying this rule out first to see where it leads.

first of all, i don’t think i even have to mention the wording of “flying the flag for diversity.” but the real crux of the issue here is that they supposedly wanted me to come off anon to discuss the issue, but instead just explained their idea further and didn’t take anything i said on board. they didn’t even say a single word about how i told them i felt ostracised and regularly got ignored. i knew from speaking to other muns in the rp who played muses of colour (and just from looking at the dash) that they felt the same way too, but of course was only speaking from my own experience.

i thought long and hard about how to respond to this, as i was so disheartened by their unwillingness to listen to their members and the fact that they didn’t care that i felt left out. it felt like they had asked me to come off anon just so they knew who was messaging them and therefore put a target on my back, so honestly the thought of being on the dash or talking to the admins made me incredibly anxious. before i had a chance, however, they responded again with:

Hi hun, we’ve continued discussing this issue over the last couple of days and we wanted to let you know that we’ve decided to put in place a non-POC ban instead. Thank you again for holding a mirror up to the group. We do hope that this will recorrect the balance.

so i waited to see how things would play out. they posted about this new ban here and pinned the post to the top of the main:

[ IMAGE ID: a screenshot from thevillagehq of an admin update, which reads: in the interest of keeping the village a diverse space, we are currently only accepting applications for POCs. please note that any apps or reserves submitted to us for faceclaims that are not POCs will be deleted. we will lift this rule once we see fit.

thank you for your understanding and your efforts in making this group a brighter, more inclusive and diverse place for all. /END ID ]

this rule remained in place for around two weeks, during which time they made almost no effort to promote it. the above post was pinned to the main page, but that was the only mention of the ban anywhere on their page, they didn’t update the rules page or even put a note on the application page about it. during this two week period, the admins posted 10 promo posts, none of which suggested fcs or even mentioned the ban or diversity at all. the ban was then lifted suddenly when the pinned post was removed and the admins just went back to accepting apps with white fcs. the ratio had only evened out in those two weeks (from 18 out of 65 to 24/50) because of people going inactive or leaving, and there was nothing put into place to continue to promote diversity after the lift of the ban. in the three days after the ban was lifted, the admins posted over 10 promo posts, the same amount they had posted during the entirety of the ban. it was clear that they had no intention of actually making changes in their rp and had only done so because i refused to drop the issue.

again, i thought a lot about what i wanted to message them. i knew at this point that they didn’t want to make any real changes, but i still felt like i had to make it clear to them how disappointing their actions were. once again, i was messaged before i even had a chance, this time for bubbling.

as you can see in the above correspondence, i had told the admins point blank that i felt left out and ignored in the rp because of the characters i played (aubrey plaza, mj rodriguez and keiynan lonsdale fcs. all of my characters were queer and used either she/they or they/them pronouns). as a general rule, the only people who wanted to write with me and have interesting plots with me were people who played other muses of colour. the rp had a rule that you must reply to 3+ muns on every character, which i had been doing. i had only been back from my hiatus for a few days at this point and had responded to 6 different open starters the day prior. their message to me read:

Hi hun. There’s something we wanted to address to you directly. It’s been expressed to us by multiple members during these last few weeks that they have felt excluded by your character within the group, especially when it comes to the friend bubble that has formed between Mars, Bowie, Luvena, Asher and others.

While we encourage the development of friendships and trust that this isn’t intentional, we have a zero tolerance for bubble roleplaying at The Village. We are aware that our three mun activity rules have been met by all parties involved, however, bubbling is usually a little more nuanced than that and it seems it has unfortunately begun to create a bit of a divide within the group.

We have already issued individual warnings to a few people within the bubble, however with multiple members still expressing their concerns to us, we decided it would be better to address the group as a whole. We hope that by pointing this out to you, you will try and branch out to your fellow members a little more from now on - and try and be a little more inclusive when it comes to everyone else in the group.

We take such matters very seriously as admins, and while we hope it won’t have to come to this, there will be consequential steps taken should we not see any changes in your interactions in the weeks to come.

as you can imagine, i was incredibly upset to receive this message after already telling them i didn’t get plots from many of their members and they had done nothing. even people who i had previously messaged continued to only write with the same few white characters. i don’t deny that we definitely had a friendship group between our characters, but there were multiple people in that roleplay, including the admins, who only cared about ship plots or plots with the same few muns. me and other people who received the same message had all previously told the admins that people aren’t plotting with us and gotten ignored, so receiving this message made it clear that they neither cared about us nor wanted us in their rp. and so i responded as below:

yeah i literally told you i felt left out because there are multiple people only writing with white characters and you never addressed it, so this message is honestly insulting. i have reached out to almost every new member, responded to multiple open starters and have tried to plot with as many people as possible. like i told you, i am often left on read or people don’t even message me at all. if people do message me, i am usually expected to put in all of the effort and if people aren’t interested in actually developing plots with me then i am obviously not going to force my characters on them. all of my characters are queer, non binary people of colour and the harsh truth of this roleplay is that people don’t care about them. i even wrote out a whole list of 20 detailed suggested connections in an attempt to get more plots and nothing came from that either. i’ve even gotten anonymous hate saying that offering to explain my characters’ pronouns was “patronising,” which i didn’t feel like i could approach you about because, when i told you about how i’m feeling excluded, you didn’t care.

so if i only have actual plots with the people who actually care about my characters, i make no apologies. i also don’t even have threads with half of the characters you named, asher being the only one, and have literally only just come off hiatus. so please explain how i am bubbling, because this really just feels targeted at this point.

you’ve made it endlessly clear that this rp isn’t a safe space for people who want to play diverse characters. the main was practically silent while you had a ban on white faceclaims, which you never actively promoted, and then you dropped that suddenly without putting anything else in place. you also deleted my initial anonymous messages asking about diversity as if you were trying to hide that there was ever an issue. you turned anonymous messages off, so that no one can safely criticise you. because i did that off anon and ever since it has felt like there is a massive target on my back. my characters have been “accidentally” on the activity checks multiple times despite me being on hiatus (people get a notification that they were tagged even if you remove their name from the list btw). plus when i asked for an extension on my hiatus, you said that you would allow it “just this once” which now makes me feel like i can’t come to you if i’m busy. right now, for example, i am in the middle of moving house, but i’m also stressed about trying to stay active because you have made yourselves completely unapproachable.

the ratio only evened out slightly because members left. then suddenly after the ban you’re posting multiple promo posts a day??? you couldn’t get more obvious. i came to you about diversity in good faith, hoping that it was something you were unaware of, but you have made it abundantly clear that you actively do not want to promote diversity in your roleplay, we are just here to be witnesses to your ship. there are multiple members who are actually bubbling who have been brought to your attention, but nothing has been done. leo continues to only write with the same three white and white passing characters. charlotte pretty much only appears to write with leo and post a vague “message me for plots” post that wasn’t even tagged. both of you only put effort into your ship threads with each other and the occasional text threads. even with something like group events: while i’ve been here, there’s been a pride event that neither of your characters were even in new york for (an event where i was the only one reaching out and posting multiple starters, by the way); there was no event last month, and this month all you’re talking about is this housewarming party.

i’m really disheartened that it’s come to this, but i can’t be here anymore. please post unfollows for all my characters. you’ve said multiple times that we should trust you as admins, but this message shows again that i simply can’t do that. from the disregard of trigger warnings, to the way you treated being held accountable for the lack of diversity, to how you respond to people asking for hiatuses, this isn’t a safe space. even if i stayed, the target you have placed on me is making it insufferable to just write my characters in peace.

the other muns who received the same bubbling message (copy pasted btw, we all got the same one word for word) all responded with their own concerns and criticisms in responses of a similar length to mine. none of us received a reply, our unfollows were just posted the next day without any further responses from the admins. a few of the other members who had written and plotted with us chose to leave as well, which the admins wrote off as us just dragging them with us as opposed to them being able to make their own decisions and being aware of the situation (which was incredibly obvious. no promotion of a white fc ban, suddenly being active on the main once they try to stealthily drop the ban, then the majority of their muses of colour leaving???)

i haven’t paid the rp much attention since i left, as i mentioned above i blocked the main and the majority of the members just for my own mental health. but from a quick scroll through today i can see that the only change in diversity rules is that now instead of your third character having to be a poc, it is now your second. however, you still only have to have 1 character out of 3 have a fc of colour. so very little has been done, but of course i’m not surprised in the slightist.

these admins don’t want diversity in their roleplay. if you play any character who isn’t a rich, white, cishet neurotypical, please avoid it at all costs. it’s not in any way a safe environment.

#rpc #rpt #rp #thevillagerp #hope this makes sense i think there's a lot that needs context and hopefully i did a good enough job explaining #sorry to my non rp followers this blog is such a mess

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nytech · 3 years

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Teaching Entrepreneurship with Shaun Johnson

This interview is part of our “Getting to Know You” series, featuring brilliant entrepreneurs from the NY Tech community.

Shaun Johnson is an experienced entrepreneur who has worked across the fields of technology acceleration, early-stage investment, and ecosystem development. He lives in New York City and teaches entrepreneurship at Fordham University & Parsons School of Design. Shaun is also a Board Member of the NY Tech Alliance. He agreed to speak with us about his career journey, the lessons learned along the way, his take on diversity in tech, and what makes a successful entrepreneur.

“One piece of advice I’ve been given and still sticks with me in a perplexing way would be to say that perception equals reality. Even though this isn’t always a universal truth, I often wonder if it’s true, untrue, or sometimes true — as there are times one can influence the other, and other times, not at all.”

Tell us about yourself

I like to describe myself as a helper of people, and that has taken a lot of different shapes and forms. I actually started my career in the federal government, then as a management consultant, and finally transitioned into the world startups as an early employee at Techstars, where I ended up spinning out a company called Startup Institute — a career accelerator aiming to equip people with the network skills and mindset to be immediately impactful in the startups that they join.

You teach entrepreneurship ー according to you, what are the skills one must develop to become a successful entrepreneur?

In teaching entrepreneurship, there are a lot of things that are important, especially at the university level because there’s always this tension between “can entrepreneurship be taught?” or “should you just go out and do it?”

The mentality of doing and learning through action is definitely a skill worth acquiring, whether in the field or the classroom.

There will always be a lot of little failures along the way, and that’s actually a good thing, but it can be counterintuitive for folks who aren’t used to accepting failure on their way to success. Grit is also another important factor. And then the last one, just because I want to leave it at three, is empathy. To have a deep understanding of your customer, the mission that you have, and the people that you’re building around helps you to build exceptional teams, exceptional products, and ultimately, address your market in an exceptional way.

What’s your favorite thing about teaching entrepreneurship?

The people. Students are always so different. People come from multiple backgrounds, different parts of the world, different industries, and with different perspectives. Even if you are teaching one specific course on entrepreneurship, it’ll never look the same because it’s always dependent on the people who are there. Everyone brings their unique personality, and the diversity and plurality come together to create a unique experience.

My desire and appreciation for plurality reflect my sentiments about New York City itself. The city is made of 8 million people coming from different backgrounds and places, who all have unique personalities, desires, hopes, and dreams.

We all have to interact with each other and try to build a better future. Whether it’s through entrepreneurship or just our own coexistence, I think that there’s something productive and meaningful about that.

How do you think the tech industry can become more diverse?

I think one of the challenges is that we tend to take one shade or one arc of diversity, drill in on that and assume that we’ve done our job. For example, one aspect of diversity can be ensuring your company hires people of color, or getting women into the tech ecosystem and make sure that there’s equal pay and that gender rights are respected.

But can you actually look at this kaleidoscope and not just say, ‘Hey today we want to focus on, like, LGBTQ rights?’ Or ‘today we want to focus on Black people or women.’ But instead, the dialogue has to answer the question of: “How can we actually approach inclusion and value creation that is accessible to all?”

Rather than trying to identify a specific group on its own, let’s actually think about how we can lift everyone up together while also valuing their uniqueness.

Is this part of the reason or the reason why you wanted to become involved with the NY Tech Alliance?

I’ve been a huge fan of the NY Tech Alliance since my career in startups has begun. Before I was living in New York City, I would take a bus from out of state to attend NY Tech Meetups, to see that the energy in the room with so many different people there.

It just felt like a panorama of what the startup ecosystem has to offer. It was a great entry point for me. And the NYTA still serves in that capacity for others and provides a jumping-off point, an entry point, and a point of connection, learning and motivation for people.

When given the opportunity to serve on the board, it was something that I couldn’t pass up.

Which trends do you think will emerge in the tech industry in the near future?

You know, I never pretended to be a fortune teller, but I think the year we just survived showed us that despite quarantine and isolation, we still need to connect with each other and be productive. It has been great for Zoom but so many people are zoomed out and looking for different ways of connecting with people that may not just be from the shoulders up.

You’re also seeing some trends around climate tech. The conversation is now rightly shifted from climate change to the climate crisis, and it is attracting a lot of bright minds and big dollars. And I think that’s great because it’s imperative for our survival as human beings.

How has a past failure set you up for success?

I mean, I guess I’m always failing at something. If you’re not failing, you’re probably not trying hard enough. I think the little failures along the way are indicative of trying to do something audacious or something that you’re unsure of. I couldn’t point to one specific failure because there’s just a butterfly effect of one thing leading to the next thing. But overall, the lesson in failure is really to process it and move on to the next thing, ideally in an upward fashion.

As New Yorkers, there may not always be the time or space to do that. You know, we move so fast. We break things, we execute, and there’s so much going on that we can forget to stop and reflect for a minute, look objectively at failure and ask “What could I have done better? What did I learn here? What would I do next?”

It’s important to reflect in a way that builds off of that failure rather than just repetitively coming right back at the same scenario, which is likely to lead to the same outcome.

What was the biggest challenge that you faced in your career?

Walking away from something that just wasn’t for me at the time. With an early career as a management consultant, a lot of things about that job were great: the prestige, the nice fancy suits, the travel.

But then you start to just understand what your calling is, what motivates you or what nourishes you. Changing your career to pursue your calling can be risky, but it ultimately is good for the soul. At the time, I didn’t know exactly what my calling was going to be. And it took courage and conviction to just say “Ok, all these things are good and everyone else loves them for me. But I just don’t love them as much, and I’m willing to look out into the abyss and seek out something that actually is more aligned with who I am and who I want to be.”

It was really scary and that’s one of the biggest moves I’ve made. That’s the advice I give to my students. Do what you love. Life’s too short!

What was the best advice you’ve ever been given?

One piece of advice I’ve been given and still sticks with me in a perplexing way would be to say that perception equals reality. Even though this isn’t always a universal truth, I often wonder if it’s true, untrue, or sometimes true — as there are times one can influence the other, and other times, not at all.

I apply that saying as a prompt for a lot of different things, from looking at analytics and wondering what’s going on with your company, checking in with your mental health and wondering if all of this anxiety or depression is actually real or if your perception influences what you’re feeling. And it’s also a way to keep yourself grounded.

Any final words?

Yeah. If Alicia (interviewer) says or types anything that makes me sound stupid, that was her edit. Everything that I said was brilliant (laugh). And she’ll make sure that it comes across!

To connect with Shaun on LinkedIn, click here.

To learn more valuable lessons from Founders, watch our NYTA Founder Spotlight series on YouTube.

#entrepreneurship #teaching #nytech #education #entrepreneur #startup lessons #nytechalliance

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sam-t-a · 3 years

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I'm praying really hard for a plot twist next episode that redeems Han Seo.

However, wishful thinking aside, I think the show set this episode up with Han Seo's arc so perfectly that it could go either way.

Han Seo is the perfect underdog, easily endearing and impossible not to sympathize with. We've also only seen it very briefly, but he has the capacity to be resourceful and generous, and he's a lot more resilient than he looks at first glance. All those things can make for a wonderful addition to an already colourful team that clearly benefits from growing and doesn't mind integrating reformed criminals into their newfound family. He has also pretty much cut all emotional ties with his brother and no longer struggles with the thought of betraying him.

His interactions with Jipuragi, especially in comparison with his interactions with the other side, are proof that working alongside them makes him feel good about himself and helps him in many ways. And while we've seen that he can be an astoundingly bad liar/actor at times ("You made a chess pun. It's so cool") he can also be a great one when necessary (the whole Babel Tower event), so just because he's convincing in the interpol scene, doesn't necessarily mean he isn't acting and making the best out of his new relationships.

In the hockey scene, for example, one nice thing that stuck out was that they were both dressed in the same type of clothes, as opposed to one of them wearing a suit and being in a position of weakness and the other wearing his gear and causing physical harm (which is the only way hockey has been portrayed so far in the show).

Him asking Vincenzo if he would kill him was also very different from how he asked his brother if he would kill him if he kept disappointing him. Neither one actually responded with anything resembling "no", and in both cases he had to guess the answer. With Han Seok, I would say it was "I think you will, but I'm still hopeful", whereas with Vincenzo, it was "I know you won't, but I'm still worried."

But on the other hand, much as I tried to focus on the "sweet" part of it (and I tried really hard), that scene still felt bittersweet. Han Seo has very traumatic experiences with hockey stuff and (most probably) with being punished for using banmal (I don't think we've ever heard him call his brother Hyung, it's always Hyungnim, which I think is telling, but that might just be me misunderstanding the culture). So, when Vincenzo hits the puck very hard and startles him and when Han Seo complains that he wasn't wearing the helmet or backs away from Vin, or says "thank you" and Vincenzo trips him in response, it stings a bit. Mainly because achieving that kind of rapport with someone (anyone) takes time, and achieving it with a torture survivor who has had little to no agency over his body since childhood is even harder.

Him being loud and brash isn't really an indicator that he's feeling comfortable or brave because we've seen him raise his voice multiple times with Han Seok and get punished for it and still do it later. Being cheery and smiley after the scene could mean a lot, because he's rarely ever seen happy, but it could also mean very little because he was equally cheery and smiley after his brother threw the lamp at his head just because he felt cool for dodging it.

A lifetime of handling abuse has not only taught him to bounce back really quickly, but also really raised the bar for what he would consider awful enough to pause at. Han Seo also definitely has major trust issues, regardless of the fact that Vincenzo hasn't really explicitly said he wouldn't hurt him, which would understandably be heightened by the fact that he just watched that one guy die after Vin promised him money and freedom.

He waves it off when Vincenzo doesn't answer his question, but the fact that their interaction could still be seen as brotherly when one party is literally afraid the other might kill him only works because "that is my brother" and "I'm not entirely sure he wouldn't kill me" aren't mutually exclusive in Han Seo's mind.

On Vincenzo's side, I think it's totally feasible that he would refuse to fully accept Han Seo. He's shown an appreciation for enemies joining his side, especially if they do it voluntarily (Bye Bye Balloon), but not when it's personal (the shadows responsible for lawyer Hong's death). The time Han Seo's resourcefulness shone was when he caused the deaths of the victims' families by helping his brother find them. Not only was this a very personal turning point for Vincenzo and Chayoung, but it was also completely his initiative. Han Seok didn't ask him to do this and might even have said no if Han Seo had asked him before doing it since he thought his way was "the hard way", but Han Seo did it anyway, and he did it purely to get his brother's validation and has shown no remorse or empathy throughout the whole ordeal.

There were times like this and like the time he basically begged his brother to assassinate Chayoung and Vincenzo where the only thing stopping him from being as ruthless as Han Seok was that he couldn't, not that he didn't want to, but perhaps the fear keeping him in check is now gone.

We've seen his personality completely change from the beginning of the show to this episode. Where once he would have pounced wholeheartedly and gratefully at what Han Seok is offering, he now hesitates and even turns it down at first. Han Seok comes saying "You're my brother" after Han Seo had already made peace with being a puppet and cut the strings off. He couldn't go back to being his brother if he tried. In fact, in none of the situations where Han Seok was at risk did he seem remotely worried about him. And the distance goes both ways - no more "stand with me while I do bla bla bla" from Han Seok. It's always "leave, get out, stay away".

Another reason might be the fact that Han Seok's olive branch (aside from being so obviously fake, even before you google Elizabeth Holmes), comes in the wake of weeks of escalation. First, we went from mark-less physical violence to wound-leaving violence and then to slapping on the face. I'm not sure if this is universal, but in so many cultures, a slap in the face is so much worse than most ways of hitting because it might mean less pain, but infinitely more degradation. It could also be the ludicrousness of Han Seok's phrasing, (I mean, "be nice to you and take care of you"? get outta here!) and he takes it with a lot more self-control than he originally would have.

Han Seo has learned how to emotionally distance himself from a lot of things, but he still doesn't have a real support system of people who care for and respect him. He has as much potential as he does baggage, and the transition phase he's going through guarantees that his feelings about everything and everyone, especially his brother and Vincenzo, are bound to be mixed and messy, so whichever way this swings, narratively speaking, I would totally buy it.

But I'm really really hoping this works out for him, because I'm going to be totally heartbroken if it doesn't.

#I have no idea how this got so long I'm so sorry #jang han seo #jang han seok #ok taecyeon #kwak dong yeon #vincenzo meta #vincenzo #what to do with all the feels

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angsty-omi · 3 years

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the friend zone.

levi ackerman x reader

no proofread— i wrote this at 4am

tw: mentions of blood, cursing, and levi being a fucking dick.

out of all the comrades in the survey corps, levi only fancied a few amount. hange, erwin, and you. you couldn’t understand why, it wasn’t like you were any special. honestly if you didn’t dye your hair pink using a mixture of berries and flour, he wouldn’t have even noticed.

it all started when everyone was in an ordered formation, while levi eyed down every single newbie. not necessarily saying anything, just staring into their soul. until, you caught his eye, and immediately he skipped over everyone else to face you. the people before you in line sighed with relief. maybe he was here to compliment my hair or critique my stance. it was none of that. in fact, he blew your knees so you’d fall forward. under your ragged pants, you could feel the skin on your knee starting to bleed. you looked up at him with shock, and he grabbed the back of your hair putting you much closer to his face. you couldn’t help but admire his tired eyes, or his wrinkles from furrowing his eyebrows. aside from that, he’s actually quite handsome. his voice interrupts your thoughts.

“scrub this shit off or else i will feed you to them” levi scolded and shoved your head onto the ground.

them as in the titans? you feared. as you looked over the other commanders, they inadvertently looked away from the two of you. you politely complied, and hoped he and the others ignored the tears running down your face. once you got to your quarters, you went straight to the shower. the color was slowly but surely getting off, showing your brown hair underneath. it’s been a while since you’ve seen your normal hair color. back in your village, you were known as the one with the artsy look, which was basically a polite way of saying the weird one. the shower head was also burning your fresh wounds from that morning and then some. you couldn’t help but think about your experience with levi and how he a complete dick he was. you swore to never get close to him nor acknowledge his presence unless required.

so how did you get here? leaning back on his chair with your feet on the table, waiting for him to come back from training the new fleet. shortly after, your not-so-fun first encounter, levi warmed up to you through back and forth banter and snarky comebacks. you’ve learned his lingo, when he says “i hate you,” it means the opposite— to the extent of “you’re okay.” if he says, “brat,” then he actually likes you. it’s the people he doesn’t remember the names of that should be scared of him. you read him like a book and vice versa.

he knew you, a bit too well. over the past few months, he could tell that you’ve started to like him afar from just friends. while he loved you as a comrade, his heart did not have the capacity to have an actual lover. so, he’s been hinting for you to not confess. scared is a term he never uses, but this was one of the few that did. levi was never scared of titans, literal human-eating monsters, rather, he was scared of you confessing your feelings for him. as the meticulous man that he his, he anticipated that today was the day that you’d express your feelings. how? over the past week, you’ve been trying to pry any sort of response for your unrequited feelings. while you thought you were slick, levi knew. that’s why he stalled the new members by running strenuous amounts of laps, because once he came back, you’d do it.

levi couldn’t hide from you any longer. with his hand on the knob, it slowly turned. there you were, with a bright smile on your face greeting him. it warmed his heart, platonically. your heart, however, was beating a million times faster once you saw him. you understood rejection was a high possibility, but you were at your limit.

“levi?” you fretted.

he nodded in response.

“you should sit down,”

levi took in a deep breath, knowing that this was the talk.

“i think i’m in love with you,” your eyes glossed. talking about your feelings always made you cry.

silence was your answer. even though, you knew this was a high chance, damnit did it hurt. you’ve been wounded by titans, and yet, this hurt the most. seeing levi’s face conflicted, trying to find the words to say to kindly reject you.

“y/n, listen you’re great. i love how you make me smile, your dumb jokes, snarky comments, and shitty roasts. but, i’m not in love with you, nor do i think i will ever.” he expressed, not looking at you in the eye. thinking, you were about to breakdown and cry, he was surprised to you see a stoic face.

“good, because i have other news.” you sighed, with a stressed out hand rubbing your temple.

news, what other news? what has she been keeping from me? levi wondered.

“my parents have found me a husband. at first, i completely shut it down. but then, starting to think of it, it would be nice to just leave and live a normal life. i was truly, truly, considering it but my love for you had to be addressed.”

“and i guess, since we’ve cleared that road... i’m leaving levi,” tears started dripping down your cheeks. looking up at levi, he had the same monotonous face. you couldn’t read what he was thinking.

“say something please” you begged.

“get out.”

“what?”

“i said get out.”

“what? why? you don’t even want to talk about this?”

“what is there to talk about? you’re leaving for some comfy lifestyle and ignoring reality. y/n we are literally dying every day. no one has the opportunity of being able to just leave. and yet, here you are leaving. you’re such a fucking pussy, i can’t believe i ever let you get this close. i was right when i first met you, you’re just some privileged girl who wanted to see a change of scenery.”

the love of your life just ended your whole career. but what was more upsetting? was that he was right. you were afraid. seeing all your friends dying was detrimental to your mental health and you saw this as a way to escape.

“you’re right, i am scared. of everything. but levi think to yourself why have i stuck out this long? why have i allowed myself to continue to serve after seeing all my comrades being ate up like chicken wings? because of you. i’m so fucking in love with you that i could handle all that. but if i don’t even have you what do i have left?” you sobbed.

“you still have me! just not that way and why does it have to be?”

“because seeing you so touchy with petra hurts. it fucking hurts seeing the man you love fall in with others!”

“seriously levi, tell me to my face that you don’t like her.”

again with the silence. something so loud, but so quiet.

you angrily slammed the door closed. your five year friendship, gone just like that. you leaned your back against the wooden door, slowly sliding down not feeling your legs. your sobs were loud, apparent that levi could hear it from the other side. if he could, he would. as soon as you felt your legs, you left.

once you got to your quarters, you grabbed your suitcase trying to pack as many things blindly. only ten minutes in, and you heard a knock at your door.

“leave me alone, i understood your message completely and now am leaving.” you screamed, knowing exactly who it was. the door slammed open with heavy pressure.

“what do you want levi,” you cried.

you felt arms wrap around your back with a head nestled into your neck.

“i think i’m in love with you too.” he whispered so quiet, that if you weren’t listening you’d miss it.

“you’re just saying that,”

“no i mean it. selfish enough, the thought of you being happy with someone other than me physically hurts my heart.”

now you’re silent.

“from the day i first landed my eyes on your ugly pink hair, to now you always had my attention one way or another. but it’s like, if i’ve accepted these feelings it’ll hurt even more if you die. i buried it down. down so far that on the surface it felt platonic. but your dumbass dug it back up.”

you swiftly turned around and pressed your lips against his. his eyes shocked at first, but then slowly melting into your lips. both desperate to show the other how much they mean to one another.

as you slowly pulled away, he instinctively moved forward which made you laugh.

“does this mean we’re something?” you gleamed.

“y/n” he said heavily.

your face dropped once again.

“you’re fucking ridiculous. are you serious levi?! i’m not going to wait for you forever. god knows how long i’ll live, and i won’t be dragged around like a little puppy.” you scolded, furious at yourself for thinking he changed.

you continued to rummage through your clothes and decided that it was enough.

“goodbye levi, i hope when you figure all your shit out you’ll finally be happy. whether it’s with yourself or with petra, but it sure as hell ain’t me.” you tipped your head at him, tears still blinding your eyesight.

if you had looked behind you, you would’ve saw levi crying. it wasn’t dramatic— no, more like tears were slipping that he himself didn’t even notice. this was the life he chose, and he knew he couldn’t get close with anyone. his young self never thought he would’ve found someone to truly care about. and if it meant letting his soulmate go, then so be it.

#attack on titan #levi angst #levi x reader #levi aot #levi fluff #aot fanfiction #aot smut #aot x reader

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circumstellars · 3 years

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Shop/Personal Update

hey everyone, how are you?

our little fandom is so quiet lately, but maybe I just perceive it that way because I’ve been so wrapped up. I hope everyone is ready for autumn, I know that this season upcoming always makes me feel a lot better myself.

through a weird concoction of desperate need and genuine ambition, I’ve decided I’m going to expand and explore some avenues for offering graphic and motion services, a little more formally over time I’m hoping. the ‘shop’ was a great and wonderful way to learn and experiment and have fun with you guys, thank you. so the current ‘shop’ via tumblr and google forms will be closing, but really, it’s more like moving; I’m planning to do all donation/commission work via Ko-fi for the time being, and possibly Patreon or something similar in the future. I was going to wait before saying anything about revamping or moving my services until I was more solid, but the truth is I haven’t bought groceries properly in over a month. It’s been bottom-barrel tough.

Unfortunately I didn’t get any response to my recent job hopeful, and being both in school and having a debilitating set of conditions doesn’t make me a prime candidate for most places, especially post-covid. I haven’t been doing any commission work for a couple months save for 1 project, which is largely my fault for floating away tbh, so I really really need to get back into the swing of things.

Aside from several overdue bills and necessities, there is a small ray of hope in the form of another financial burden - I’ve been given the news I can return to campus and resume my studies in-person in a limited capacity (!!!!), but that means deposit, tuition, etc all over again for this term. I need to pay 170 CAD immediately just to register the three credits I'm allowed to do. I was supposed to have graduated and transferred to university by now, but I’m now a year behind at minimum due to covid-19. It’s just a big mess. That might give some insight into what I’m up against. I’m negative balance type situation, by... a lot. I also need to prepare for a vet visit and and and.... I wanna curl up. :’)) and... well.

So, I want to essentially take on more work again, and as soon as possible. I’m opening up commissions via Ko-fi, for some services. While I work on stuff, and prepare to find a way to get back on campus, I don’t want to have a full open menu just yet, but that will change in time. My Ko-fi and such will change and update over the next while, so don’t mind me, but please take a look at the commissions section if there’s something I can make for you!

Donations are welcome too, I’m in no state to be prideful right now. It is never obligatory.

If you’re interested, take a look at http://ko-fi.com/circumstellar/commissions to see what I’m currently taking requests for. Visit https://ko-fi.com/circumstellar to donate and check for updates.

Thanks as always for your support everyone, and I’m hoping to be around more often as I said, while I work on projects and fan content as always too.

I’ll try to throw in some new gifs as soon as I can, too.

Much love always,

Stellar

#my nonsense #personal #stellar's shop #myworks

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zotlel · 3 years

Text

Fall Into You (M) - 01

pairing: jaebeom x you

genre: romance, angst, series, eventual smut

synopsis: Your love life has been filled with nothing but bad experiences. Determined to give up on the idea of finding the one you meet a man who is desperate to change your mind and have you see him as more.

word count: 5.0k

This was it, you thought. It was something you had feared for months, something you wanted so desperately to not be true. You felt empty, dead, barren, all the things you told yourself you would never be, yet here you were.

The thought had finally occurred to you as you felt your recent Tinder meetup thrust inside of you. His name was Xavier, a Spanish entrepreneur in his mid-20’s who just so happened to be in town testing a study group on his latest business venture. Yet the only thing this man had come close to doing all night was testing your patience. From his sleaze-ball attitude to the way he aggressively attempted to fuck you. Let’s just say you were grateful he couldn’t see your distasteful facial expression as he took you from behind.

You were depleted of all emotions in this moment as the man attempted to make love to your empty womb. You didn’t even feel anger or sadness at this point, your body felt like some sort of abandoned amusement park. The rides and attractions were there for everyone to see, they were just void of life. You feared that eventually, a dead body would feel warm compared to yours. The fear for you was so real, so scary, to think that you were just some damaged goods.

You started to feel suffocated from the motel’s disgustingly tacky red satin bed sheets that your head was currently being shoved deeper and deeper into. So you decided to end this God-awful encounter early. Sitting your body up causes the poor Xavier to lose his rhythm effectively allowing you to overtake power and position his dumbfounded body beneath you. Luckily the man lasted about as long as you had the capacity for, he gripped your hips tightly, possibly leaving a bruise, causing you to at least enjoy one sensation that night.

Once the man had finished he attempted to grab your naked form in one could only assume to be a cuddle, you had absolutely no capacity to even humor the idea. Feigning an early morning you quickly gathered your things and headed directly for the door, not so much as even pretending to want to see him ever again.

The walk of shame. 3 AM, unknown neighborhoods, brisk weather, and a clearer state of mind all accompanied you on your walk home. You officially felt at a total loss with yourself. You had tried the relationship thing, the casual dating, and now here you were attempting one-night-stands, and yet nothing helped you feel complete.

“If only he could see me now,” you say quietly to no one in particular.

Morning light hits you like a bucket of cold water. Apparently in your self-loathing state last night you completely neglected to change out of your cocktail dress and close your blinds. You groan audibly pulling your plush pillow to cover your head from the obscene light. The damage had already been done, you were now officially awake and forced to begin your day.

Dragging yourself to your bathroom you start by turning the shower to the hottest temperature possible and begin to strip from your attire. The woman staring back at you in the mirror is one that you had unfortunately been well acquainted with recently. With the smudged raccoon eyes and red nose that had broken through last night’s foundation, she was an absolute mess.

You scrub and scrub your body under the hot water as if it were some kind of remedy for the way you felt inside. No matter how raw you made your skin you still couldn’t erase the emptiness you felt throughout your core.

That is enough, you think to yourself. Enough of this vile attitude that you had towards yourself. Did you really need to remind yourself daily about what an amazing life you had? A great job, amazing friends, and a beautiful apartment in which you shared rent with a great roommate. Had you really stooped low enough in your womanhood that you would consider yourself empty just because you lacked the place of a man? Your mother would be so disappointed if she could see you now.

You had grown so tired of these men. Hanging in doorways, standing too close to you, their breaths thick with alcohol. Men who didn't come to the emergency room with you, men who left you alone on Christmas. Men who slammed their bedroom doors, who made you love them then changed their minds. You decided you would no longer let this gender be oppressive, you were a warrior.

“Well someone got in late last night,” your roommate, Sofie, called to you over her morning coffee. You had just made your way down to the kitchen in need of caffeine to help break through your early morning fog.

“Please don’t remind me,” you say to her as you begin searching for a clean mug.

“What? Did you not like this guy? Was he not good in be-”

You cut her off promptly by slamming the cabinet door, yourself being surprised by your own actions you turn to face her.

“I’m sorry I just really don’t feel like talking about it.”

Sofie nods her head in understanding instantly making a pool of guilt form in your stomach from the way you acted. This aggression was a new thing of yours that you had yet to get used to. Rage had begun to take a grip on your life, and on your friendships. You never wanted to be this way. It sickened you to imagine you would have ever become a person to hurt a close friend of yours because you couldn’t contain the fire that you felt inside.

“I’m really sorry Sofie I didn’t mean to snap it’s just-” your words stop as Sofie patiently waits.

“Last night was hard because it made me realize,” you take a big breath, “I am broken.”

“Sweetie you are not broken! You have just been burned, badly might I add, and you are having a hard time coming to terms with it that’s all.”

Is that all? Could Sofie finally have cracked the code that all of this just so happened to stem from one incident? There was no way you could allow this to be true. You were not just a victim who gets to bear her scar for the rest of the world to see. Your story would not end like that.

“No Sofie, you don’t get it, when I say that I am broken I am really not looking for sympathy,” her back straightens at your serious expression. “I just mean that I am giving up on relationships, all kinds of relationships with men, for now.”

“So no more dating?” You shake your head to confirm. “No more hookups?”

“When I say no more. I mean it,” you say with an icy tone.

“I don’t think that is such a bad idea,” Sofie begins. “I think you may just need to take some time before you go out again, learn about yourself, love yourself. Y’know all that shit that Teen Vogue used to tell us.”

You laugh at this, your roommate was a sweet girl, older than you but innocent enough. You envied her star glazed eyes when she talked about love and romance. Her heart was so pure and untainted, you hoped that she would never change, you prayed that she would never know.

“I think you may be right Sof.”

“Right about what?”

In the most perfect of moments Sofie’s boyfriend, Jake, comes down the stairs to join in on your impromptu counseling session. Jake and Sofie were long-time boyfriend and girlfriend since your guys’ days in college. They were each other’s first everything's, love, relationship, they had even lost their virginities to one another. The first day the two of them had met during your study session you could see it happen, the sparks. And throughout the years you were able to watch their love bloom and unfold.

“Oh you know the usual, my life is fucked,” you joke responding to Jake’s question.

“What fucking men with no feelings is finally getting old?” Jake says.

“Ouch, you don’t have to be so harsh,” you respond back to him in which he just shrugs you off.

Sometimes you wondered how a person as blunt as Jake managed to win over the tender-hearted Sofie. Jake reaches above Sofie’s head to grab his own mug for coffee while pressing a kiss to her forehead causing her face to flush with joy. Some couples just couldn’t be scrutinized, Jake and Sofie just worked.

“Hey, you’re still gonna come with us to Dominic’s New Year’s party on Friday, right?” Sofie asks you.

“That depends, will Dom stay far away from me for the entirety of the night?” you respond back.

“Oh come on, he’s really not all that bad!” Sofie says making your eyebrows go up in disbelief. “And if I recall correctly you hooked up with him a couple of months ago so you obviously don’t hate him that much.”

“First off, I was drunk,” you begin to feel yourself getting worked up. “Secondly, my heart was just broken, if you haven’t forgotten, so let’s just say my judgment was a little fucked.”

Sofie takes a long sip of her coffee and avoids eye-contact. You turn your body from her and breathe deeply from your nose in order to regain your composure.

“Okay, ladies let’s take it down a notch,” Jake effectively breaks the tension. “Y/N, I would love it if you came to celebrate with all of us. And I promise I will be keeping Dom busy so you don’t have to worry about him.”

“Fine, I’ve never been one to say no to free drinks anyways,” Sofie perks up at your response and excitedly hugs you causing you to smile.

Your workweek drags on leaving you anxious to get absolutely trashed at the upcoming party. You’ve had enough corporate bullshit to make certain that when Friday came no one would even be able to recognize that you played as a stock manager by day. One last sweep of your ruby red lipstick against your lips and your look is complete. Despite the bitter winter air you opted to show skin tonight in your tight black body-con dress. You knew that this look would attract lots of attention, but you didn’t care. You would relish in the way men would stare at you, and then doing something you have become unfamiliar with, you would deny each and every one of them.

You, Jake, and Sofie all share the same Uber from your apartment to Dominic’s swanky new penthouse. The four of you had all met in college, each of you finding different paths in life yet always keeping in touch. Back then Dominic was a promising young student swiftly on his way to becoming an engineer. Until suddenly he decided to leave school and follow his true passion for cuisine. Now he was one of the most successful restaurant moguls in the city.

His hard work truly paid off, you thought to yourself as the three of you entered his pristine penthouse suite already packed with people ready to celebrate the new year. The ceilings were high and the interior design was entirely bachelor-esque, true to his lavish lifestyle. Waiters attended to people throughout the room holding silver platters of champagne and the occasional finger-food. The scent in the air was lofty with alcohol and the various types of cologne worn by desperate men looking for a lay.

“You guys made it!”

Speak of the devil. Dominic makes his way through the crowd to greet his old friends. The four of you exchange hugs and hello’s but you were more than ready to end the interaction with him as quickly as possible. You look around the room until your eyes land on the small minibar across the living room.

“I need to be drunk,” you yell in Sofie’s ear causing her to giggle and excusing the two of you to the bar being worked by a dashing young bartender. It was a bit of a challenge to remember why exactly you weren’t going to be hooking up with anyone tonight. Until the young Colgate smirk shot you a knowing look. It all came rushing back, you fucking hated men.

Quickly you order a shot for both you and Sofie which she reluctantly agrees to, what a great friend, you think. The burn of tequila crawls its way to your stomach lighting a pleasant fire. You settle on champagne to sip on the rest of the night after taking the beverage from the bartender to promptly end his suffocating stare on you.

“I’m gonna go find Jake, are you okay here?” Sofie asks you.

“Yes of course I’ll be fine as long as the bartender can keep it in his pants.”

Sofie laughs and hits your arm for speaking so loudly, but you truly didn’t care. You begin to move away from the bar towards the floor-to-ceiling windows exposing the city life below. Upon approaching you can’t help but ogle at the beautiful scenery. The life of the city could be seen even from fifty floors up. The hustle and bustle of people eager to celebrate the new year had mesmerized you along with the mass of skyscrapers glittering against the deep purple horizon.

Once you and Sofie had left to find the bar, Jake and Dominic were across the room talking of old times while Dominic showcased his new apartment. Jake could tell that Dominic was proud in the development of his empire, it was obvious in the way he had to mention price tags on every item in his home. Just when Dominic was about to go on and on about a particular piece of art a man whom Jake had not met before interrupts their conversation by placing a hand on Dominic’s shoulder.

“Jaebeom you made it!” Dominic says to the man while pulling him in for a hug. Dominic, as anyone could tell, had a bit too much to drink tonight, hence the sudden affection.

Jaebeom didn’t seem to mind Dominic, perhaps already familiar with this behavior, he pulls back from the brief embrace and gives Dominic a tight smile. Jaebeom had dark hair that was tucked neatly behind each ear. His ears were littered with silver jewelry while his nose also adorned a single stud. His eyes were set deep giving him a mysterious aura.

“Jaebeom this is my good buddy from college Jake,” Dominic introduces the two while both the men shake their hands in a greeting. “Jaebeom is a photographer, he did all the shots for my new restaurant.”

“No kidding, that’s really awesome man,” Jake says trying to make conversation with the stranger.

“Thanks for saying so, I really appreciate it,” Jaebeom says.

A silence fills the space before Dominic asks, “So did Claire come with you tonight?”

Claire, from what Jake had heard, was Dominic’s newest conquest. She was a hostess at one of Dominic’s restaurants and apparently good friends with Jaebeom. Jake found it odd that Dominic could not work up the courage himself to ask out a girl instead of having someone he hired to be his wingman.

“Unfortunately she wasn’t able to swing her shift,” Jaebeom tells Dominic to which he shrugs in an attempt to seem unaffected. Jaebeom then suddenly turns to Jake.

“I’m sorry if this comes off as too forward, but I couldn’t help but notice the girl you came in with earlier.”

Jake laughs, this wouldn’t be the first time that he had to break it to some poor bastard that Sofie was his girlfriend. She was absolutely gorgeous and he knows that his girlfriend Sofie does garner lots of attention. Not that he feels jealous, he just hates having to break it to these dudes that they stand no chance.

“That would be my girlfriend actually,” Jake says.

“Both of them?” Jaebeom raises his eyebrow quizzically causing Jake to facepalm at the way he is handling this interaction.

“Oh no sorry,” Jake searches the room to see Sofie and you leaning against the bar on the other side of the room. “My girlfriend is the one in the white dress over there by the bar.”

Jake points out the two of you and watches Jaebeom’s eyes follow.

“Oh I see, I was actually going to ask you about her friend.”

Jake sputters the champagne he is sipping feeling caught off guard at the question. If Jake remembers correctly you had completely sworn off men not too long ago. Then again, Jaebeom does look like a nice guy and seems genuinely interested in you. As your friend, Jake feels at a standstill with what to do. Although Jake was harsh in words when it came to you, he always had a soft spot for you. And he knows when you put your mind to something, you do not tolerate when people disregard you. But before Jake can say anything, Dominic beats him to the punch.

“Are you kidding? Y/N is practically fucking anyone that even looks her way these days.”

Now Jake remembers just why Dominic and you never got along. He was a complete asshole to you.

“Hey dude come on, don’t say that shit about her,” Jake comes to your defense.

Dominic raises his hands in surrender while wearing that typical shit-eating grin, “I just call it as I see it.”

Jake begins to become increasingly frustrated with the way that his best friend was being talked about, but he is even more afraid of your image being potentially slandered in front of a total stranger. And perhaps a potential match.

“You know better than anyone that she is going through a lot right now. Besides just the other day she said she had absolutely no interest in dating anymore,” Jake internally cringes at himself for potentially scaring Jaebeom away with that last point, but he really couldn’t let Dominic continue to trash you.

“Oh, Jesus don’t give me that. Ever since she got dumped she has been acting like a complete who-”

“Alright I think that’s enough,” surprisingly Jaebeom beats Jake in coming to your defense by putting an end to Dominic’s drunken rant.

While listening to Dominic trash you and Jake attempting to defend you, Jaebeom was continually getting more and more upset. It was bad enough that Dominic has just shown himself to be a terrible friend, but now he was going to stoop as low as calling his friend such a derogatory term?

He thought again about the girl that caught his attention. His eyes were on you the moment you walked through the door. Even with the masses of people in the penthouse, he felt like he was on another world with you, floating distantly away in a turquoise sea. To your beautiful skin, gorgeous locks of hair, and even just the way you carried yourself. Jaebeom had found himself completely enraptured with this complete stranger. And he was not going to let one of your supposed “friends” go on ruining your image.

“It’s not very cool to talk about someone like that when they’re not here to defend themselves. Especially to someone whom they have never even met,” Jaebeom told Dominic with a stern tone.

If Jake was impressed before by this man, his respect for Jaebeom increased even more. If only you were willing to put yourself out there again, he thinks Jaebeom might be a really good change for you. He clearly was a person who stood for what they believed in, and Jake knows how much a person like that could have such a great impact on you.

“Now if you’ll excuse me,” Jake waves to Jaebeom too stunned to even say anything as he walks off.

“What the hell is his problem?” Dominic starts as Jaebeom leaves, “Does he think that Y/N will blow him with that bullshit Mr. Nice Guy act?”

“You are such a prick, you know that?” Dominic just shrugs off Jake taking a large gulp of his beer.

While roaming throughout the penthouse you would stop occasionally to scope out the room around you. The people, the music, even the drinks were just so mind numbingly dull to you. You thought to yourself either you were truly broken like you thought so earlier that week or you were perhaps just a narcissist. Neither of those options made you feel particularly good about yourself, but if you weren’t going to be the one to say it, who would?

“Are you enjoying yourself so far?”

Over the loud bass of the music somehow you were able to hear the question coming from the man who had just approached you. You turn towards him slightly startled. Only once you turned to the voice you felt your breath leave your lungs. He was handsome, no beyond that, you had seen handsome men before, fucked handsome men, he was something else. There was no word in the English language to describe his looks.

His cheeks were set high on his face along with his straight nose. The dark locks of hair that framed his face rested softly on his moonlit skin. The way he held your eyes with his stare had you almost in a panic until you remembered, you had lost all your patience for men.

Still, there was no harm in just conversing, your drunken state thought.

“I’m going to have to say no to that one,” you reply back honestly while setting your empty champagne glass on a waiter’s tray. Had it not been for the few drinks you had already you would not have even spared this man a second glance, right?

“Can’t say I blame you,” the man says. “I am Jaebeom by the way.”

He flashes you a tender smile with his perfectly straightened teeth, you quickly tell him your own name hoping to God this conversation could die. Your resolve while standing next to Jaebeom was slowly dwindling. You need to leave his side. Continuing this conversation leads to dangerous territory that not you nor your heart was ready for.

“I’m sorry, will you excuse me? I need to find my friends, I haven’t seen them all night,” you inwardly cringe at your lame excuse. Yet Jaebeom seems completely unaffected, holding his arm out to his side to allow your departure. A man that doesn’t get angry when you deprive him of attention, that was new.

Somewhere amongst the sea of people Sofie appears at Jake’s side effectively easing the growing anger Jake felt towards Dominic’s drunken antics.

“What were you two boys talking about,” Sofie says sweetly while looping her arm around Jake. Jake knows that if Sofie were to hear the things Dominic had been saying about her best friend, she would have an absolute fit. So he thought it best she didn’t know.

“Oh you know just guy talk,” Jake says smiling.

“My photographer has the hots for Y/N,” Dominic slurs while it takes everything in Jake not to strangle his friend.

“Your photographer? Who is that? I want to see what he looks like,” Sofie replies sounding interested, to which Dominic scans the room before landing his finger on Jaebeom talking with some other guests.

“What really? He is so perfect I have to go tell her,” Sofie tries to walk away until Jake pulls her back.

“Okay first of all, ouch, I am your boyfriend. How can you say a guy is perfect while I’m right here?” Sofie rolls her eyes but let’s Jake continue. “Secondly, wasn’t it just a couple days ago that she mentioned never wanting to date again?”

“Oh come on you know she doesn’t mean that, and besides that guy is so her type. The second she sees him she will forget her hatred of men altogether,” Sofie says.

Jake sighs but lets Sofie go over and tell you about your secret admirer. He didn't appreciate the way people took your words so lightly. Was he the only one listening to you for the past couple months to know that you needed time to heal? Then again Sofie was your closest friend and perhaps she knew what was best for you.

“Okay you are never going to believe this,” Sofie approaches you from behind as you finish off your third glass of champagne.

“Tell me quickly I can feel the alcohol beginning to fog my brain.”

“Literally the hottest guy here asked Jake and Dom about you, they say he is interested in you!”

Through your slightly buzzed state you can still feel the burst of annoyance come over you. You have to breathe deeply through your nose in order to not completely go off on your sweet enthusiastic friend. Did your words a couple days ago mean nothing to her?

“Sofie, like I told you, I am not at all interested,” you tell her causing her excitement to dwindle. “So you can pass along that message to this mystery man too.”

“Oh come on! At least let me show you who it is, you will just die,” Sofie says causing your eyes to roll.

You decide to play along, “Fine show me.”

Sofie excitedly turns both your bodies to the crowd of people, she scans for a minute until she finds the said man, excitedly pointing him out to you. Jaebeom was in the middle of a conversation. The man who was interested in you was him? The guy you completely blew off just moments ago?

You could feel yourself start to become overwhelmed. First when you started to talk to Jaebeom you began to have these feelings that you had never felt before. The fact that you couldn’t identify them frustrated you and made you want to leave this party. Now come to find out the whole reason he approached you was because he was interested? For reasons unexplained you began to feel the anger turn in your stomach again.

Who did this guy think he was? Was he just someone who felt he was so charming that just a simple greeting would have you spreading your legs for him? You felt so angry with yourself for even faltering for a moment on the resolution you made with yourself. This just proved your theory that all men want the same things from you. How could you be so stupid to think differently? Your head was turning into a swirl of red, clouding your judgement, perhaps the cheap booze was stronger than you anticipated.

It wasn’t until Jaebeom turned his body towards you, locking his eyes on yours. You expected to see the smirk, the smirk that all the men wear on their faces when they just want their dick wet. Instead, he smiled. Not a forced smile, it was genuine, you could feel the warmth of it from across the room. His smile had you faltering. You’ve been with so many men these past few months that you thought you had them all figured out. So why was he so unpredictable?

For this, the rage overcame you.

With all your might you are able to look away from him and down at the floor. Your chest felt tight, all the air around you had been sucked away as you struggled to get a grip on where you were. Breathing exercises were not going to help you at this point.

“Hey, are you okay?” Sofie looks down at your shaken figure.

“No, I’m not, I think I’m going to leave. I really don’t feel well,” you say as you begin to make your way through people not wanting to let anyone submit to your anger.

Sofie grabs your arm, “It’s almost midnight you can’t leave now!”

“Sofie please, I am being very serious right now. Let me go,” your tone is icy as Sofie draws her hand back in fear.

Taking the opportunity you start your journey towards the exit needing so desperately to get out of the sea of people. Your chest began to heave as you felt the world closing in on you. Tears prodded in your eyes as you clenched your fists. The crowd was suffocating, you felt like you were about to burst, until finally you made your way to the door. You hurried down the hallway to the elevator practically throwing a punch at the call button.

Jaebeom was across the room when he had seen the entire exchange. He noticed your change in expression and then proceeded to watch you suddenly turn to leave the party. Jaebeom had a hard time understanding why, but he felt worried for you. Suddenly he begins to weave in and out of the drunken mass as the countdown from ten begins to be shouted out. He sees only a glimpse of you as you finally slip your way out the front door.

He reaches the door, opening it to find there is no one in the hall, he looks down and sees the elevator doors slowly closing with you inside. He tries to make a run for it, what will he even say when he reaches you? He doesn’t care at this moment, all Jaebeom knows is that he doesn't want you to be alone.

Running fast towards the titanium doors you look up and catch his eye. Tears can be seen falling down your flushed cheeks. Your eyes were wild and bright as you stared through Jaebeom, making his steps come to a halt. He was shaken by the look in your eyes, so much so that he lets the elevator doors stop him from reaching you.

FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

He hears the party happening behind him. The cheering and laughing as people celebrate with their friends and loved ones. Yet the noise is completely drawn out as Jaebeom thinks of you.

This girl he had only just met, yet he longed for so desperately so.

#got7 fanfic #jaebeom fanfic #got7 smut #jaebeom smut #Im Jaebeom #got7 scenarios #got7 imagines #fanfic #got7 #jb smut #got7 jb #jb fanfic

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untamed-era · 3 years

Text

Come Out and Level Up

inspired by Venna Teng’s Level Up and @mdzsnet‘s LWJ birthday event. 750 words.

EDIT: Now also on AO3

“I mean, I know gay people exist!” Wei Ying says, confidently. “I’ve known for years! But this coworker, I mean it’s the first time I’ve known one, right? I just keep thinking about her, it’s just. I mean she’s so cool! Good for her! And also it’s, well, weird, you know?”

Lan Wangji has waited very patiently through this whole spiel. He has not interrupted. It has been excruciating.

“Wei Ying,” he says, now that there is an opening. “I am gay.”

He thinks he sees the exact moment that Wei Ying short-circuits. He watches him gape, blink, gape some more, and takes quiet pleasure in the fact that he is here now. That he can be the one to surprise Wei Ying. It was the other way around, back in the first few years of their acquaintance. Before fate pulled them away from each other for seven years. He is pleased to be here again, able to display his quiet new confidence. It is not, quite, the first time he has said the words aloud. There was a queer meet up, in his last year of undergrad. A few other times, in sufficiently supportive circumstances. Enough that he knew his voice would be steady, even with this emblem of his past. Even with the person who precipitated this whole course of self-examination.

“Wait,” Wei Ying says, finally. “For real?”

“Mmn,” Lan Wangji says steadily.

“I— what? Since when? How did I not — I mean. Uh, that’s great? I support you? Is it, uh, difficult?”

This is mildly excruciating, but also quite a relief. “I have known for almost ten years,” he says, ignoring the hamfisted mention of support. Coming out? Absolutely. Discussing the emotion involved with the love of his life, who is the kind of straight person who feels the need to assert that to everyone around constantly? Terrible.

“What? You mean you’ve been gay the whole time I’ve known you? And I didn’t realize?”

Theoretically, he has been gay his entire life. In his experience, he has been gay since three weeks after he met Wei Ying, when the idea that all he felt for the other boy was an overpowering annoyance grew untenable. Neither of these answers appeal. “I did not publicize it, at the time.”

“Huh. Huh. So you’re like, gay-gay?”

What does that even mean, Lan Wangji wonders. What is he after? “Technically, homosexual demiromantic gray asexual, to the best of my understanding.”

Wei Ying blinks. It is always satisfying to make him shut up for a moment. “What?”

“‘Queer’ works as well. Or, yes, ‘gay-gay’.”

“No but, what were all those extra words? I mean, homosexual I know — am I allowed to say it? Is that a problem? — But…. Demi-whatsit?”

“Demiromantic. Romantic attraction happens only after an emotional bond.” It’s the closest term he found in all his research for that moment, months into their friendship, when Wei Ying casually referenced some tiny fact he’d learned about Lan Wangji from who-knows-where, and Lan Wangji suddenly realized he would follow him anywhere. “Gray asexual means sexual attraction occurs only in rare or specific circumstances.”

He watches carefully as Wei Ying thinks about that, eyebrows furrowed. It would be possible, Lan Wangji thinks, to untangle that set of words into his true feelings. His brother would no doubt do so immediately. He hopes Wei Ying will not. It seems unlikely.

“So… Wait, romantic and sexual attraction are different?” Wei Ying asks, finally. “Like, they’re different things? What’s that about? I mean, people talk about attraction all as one thing, but you mean… What, some parts can be broken, at first?”

“Not broken. Partitioned, sometimes. Romantic, sexual, aesthetic, platonic. Everyone experiences them differently.”

Wei Ying stares off into the distance. “Wild. Wild.” He keeps staring for a moment, then pulls out his phone. “Hang on, I’m looking this stuff up, that’s so neat. Give me a second.”

He subsides into a frantic Google binge, and Lan Wangji relaxes a little, watching him. This idea, being seen, being known, terrified him once upon a time. It settles something in his heart, being here. Wei Ying’s utter bafflement was more amusing than anything else. His interest and initiative in learning about it are encouraging. He will be a better ally for knowing, Lan Wangji thinks. It feels nice to make such an impact on his friend, his love. He has made long made peace with Wei Ying’s inability to reciprocate his feelings, with being in love with someone tragically straight. He decided years before that he would not burden Wei Ying with his own wishes for the impossible. But it feels good to let the conclusions of himself be known. It feels good to let Wei Ying know, in some capacity, how he has changed Lan Wangji. It is enough for peace —

“Holy shit,” Wei Ying says, still scrolling. “I know nothing about attraction. Like. Nothing. Am I even sexually attracted to girls? Wild.”

— What.

#lan wangji #wei wuxian #ace headcanons #mdzsnet #wangxian #they're queer and complicated your honor #this blog interprets one true love #as aspec headcanon fuel #anyway openly gay lwj and oblivious wwx is a+#vague modern au

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robininthelabyrinth · 4 years

Note

Thank you "Worthwhile Trade". The idea of Baxia turning into an guai is so interesting. I liked imagining the part where she hit NMJ for his idiocy. My brain is projecting "married couple" vibes, omg. I admit despite how weird WWX spoke about the events, the time travel part flew over my head until the tags spelled it out for me. (TBC)

(Cont'd) Also... did NMJ mean it in THAT dual-thing way when talking WRH's prefs? And the last part, where WWX used resentful energy to sub NMJ's qi. I assume he can still cultivate since his core's still there, if emptied? But I wonder what'll happen to his energy once restored Can't help but think his renewed qi will inevitably be affected by the traces of the previous energy that once circulated. He's not going to become a walking stygian tiger or something, is he? Off the wall guess, sorry!

----

sequel to Worthwhile Trade (ao3), also on tumblr

Wei Wuxian didn’t understand Nie Mingjue.

He didn’t understand the way he thought, the way he acted – the way he smiled when he woke up, the way he opened his arms when Nie Huaisang threw himself into them with a wail and said, “It was worth it for you, didi; it always is if it’s for you. Don’t you know that?” the way Wei Wuxian had always shamefully thought of saying, as if something like that could just be said like that, out in the open.

The way Nie Mingjue shrugged when the doctors said his cultivation would likely never recover, that he should have died, that they didn’t understand why he hadn’t; the way he said, seeming even satisfied, that it was a worthwhile trade.

It’s not a trade, Wei Wuxian wanted to scream at him. It’s a sacrifice! It hurts and you’re sad, no, worse, you’re resentful about it and you shouldn’t be because it was your choice, your decision, but you see someone else with everything that you worked so hard for and you’re angry when you shouldn’t be angry and you feel bad and you turn away; it hurts them when you do and you’re glad, you miserable thing, you’re happy that they’re hurt because why should you be the only one whose hurt –

Perhaps the problem wasn’t that he didn’t understand Nie Mingjue.

Perhaps it was only that he saw in Nie Mingjue his own faults, his own deficiencies, the ones he’d tried so hard to hide in the sea of his poor memory.

“You’ll die if you don’t find a way to cultivate,” he said instead, hovering by the door. He’d say that he didn’t mean to ruin the mood, but he kind of did, and Baxia’s eyes on him were cold as if she knew.

As if she knew everything.

How he’d gone back to the past, how he’d changed things, how it was his fault that Nie Mingjue – who’d never done a single thing to hurt him, who’d been upright and righteous and good and whose brother loved him enough to –

Wei Wuxian had made a point of avoiding Baxia.

Not that she was that easy to avoid. She was tall for a woman – not as tall as Nie Mingjue, but proportionate to him in the sense that she was as much taller than the average woman as he was taller than the average man – and she walked as though people should flee before her, a tread that only felt heavy because of the almost visceral rage that surrounded her like a cloud.

Nie Huaisang had found robes for her, somehow, and they were the least feminine robes Wei Wuxian had ever seen a woman wear, though he supposed he still hadn’t seen that given that Baxia wasn’t exactly a woman. Cut in a martial style, a dark shimmering grey that seemed in some lights to be almost red – she had been born as a human in a mantle of blood and she would not let anyone forget it.

“I should have died already,” Nie Mingjue said, as if the world’s scariest guai didn’t have her hand on his shoulder right next to his vulnerable neck. “You came up with a solution, Wei-gongzi, and for that I thank you. Even if we are not able to solve the next stage, being able to see my loved ones is worthwhile.”

Wei Wuxian could learn to hate that word.

“I have a solution, of a sort,” he said, irritated and not entirely because his reveal had been preempted. He’d hoped to sort of ease into it, somehow. “You lack the capacity for regular cultivation, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use demonic cultivation.”

“What? No, we can’t do that,” Nie Huaisang said, biting his fingers anxiously. “Anyway, doesn’t demonic cultivation harm the temperament?”

“You mean my temperament can get worse?” Nie Mingjue teased, and Nie Huaisang smacked him so lightly that it didn’t even displace his clothing. “I don’t know any means of demonic cultivation, Wei-gongzi –”

“Call me Wei Wuxian,” Wei Wuxian said. “Please.”

“Wei Wuxian, then,” Nie Mingjue said. “All the methods I’ve ever heard of were forbidden for very good reasons – but perhaps those conditions are not the same in the method you know.”

Wei Wuxian tensed. “How do you know that I know one?”

“You saved me, didn’t you?” Nie Mingjue said practically, and well, yes, Wei Wuxian supposed he had a point – “And anyway, Baxia can tell.”

Wei Wuxian shivered. “I don’t use it,” he argued. “How can she tell?”

At Nie Huaisang’s instigation, Baxia had recently started experimenting with smiles. She put one on her face now.

It was terrifying.

“Tell me about it,” Nie Mingjue requested. “The powers and the price, all of it.”

“You’re actually considering this?” Nie Huaisang exclaimed. “But da-ge…!”

“Wei Wuxian was not wrong when he said that I would die if I didn’t find a way to cultivate despite having given up what I have,” Nie Mingjue said. “If I die, what will you do?”

Oh, not much, just become a mastermind capable of puppeting the entire cultivation world to enact revenge for your death. Nothing big.

“But – da-ge has always put such a priority on remaining on the righteous path…”

“That’s why I asked about the costs,” Nie Mingjue said patiently. “I will not abandon righteousness simply because I adopt a new method of cultivating.”

“Everyone will revile you even if you are righteous,” Wei Wuxian warned him.

Nie Mingjue shrugged. “Who is everyone? What do I care for them? You do the right thing because it is right, not for the sake of fame.”

Wei Wuxian had once thought the same.

“If everyone in the cultivation world thinks you are evil, they will paint you as evil no matter what you do,” he insisted. “No matter how righteous your motives –”

“Let them think he’s evil, then!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed. “He could be the most black-hearted cultivator in the land, but he’s still my da-ge; my Nie sect and I will protect him!”

“Huaisang! No! That is not how righteousness works – if I ever truly become evil, you are to cut me off at once, kill me if necessary –”

“No way!”

“Huaisang – Baxia, tell him; evil cannot be endured –”

Baxia was looking at her fingernails. She’d picked that gesture up from Sect Leader Ouyang, when he was trying to be pointed about ignoring someone; it was extremely irritating to absolutely everyone who wanted to know who she was and what she was doing here and Nie Huaisang and Wei Wuxian had teamed up to convince her to keep doing it.

Possibly a mistake, in retrospect.

“Baxia. I know you agree with me on this. Evil is evil, and must be eradicated no matter who it may be.”

She gave him an unimpressed look.

“I know I’m not evil yet,” Nie Mingjue argued, apparently understanding her without any difficulty whatsoever. He’d just woken up from a month-long coma and he could already speak fluent human-saber, it was really unfair. And this man had succumbed to Jin Guangyao’s wiles? Lan Xichen had more to answer for than he knew. “But if I ever become evil – what? No, we will not burn that bridge when we come to it, that’s not even the right idiom, who is teaching you these things –”

Nie Huaisang coughed and hid his face behind a fan.

Wei Wuxian was not going to laugh.

Nie Mingjue growled at them all and turned back to Wei Wuxian. “Explain,” he demanded. “The rest of you, out.”

“But –”

“Out. One of us has to cultivate the righteous path, and if it can’t be me, it has to be you. Baxia?”

She picked Nie Huaisang up by his collar, for all the world like a mother dog picking up her pup by the scruff of its neck, and walked out.

Nie Mingjue picked up demonic cultivation faster than anyone else Wei Wuxian had ever met or even heard of. He wasn’t sure if that demonstrated an unnerving aptitude or if it was simply that Nie Mingjue was surpassingly talented – Wei Wuxian had never met anyone like himself before, someone for whom all things came easy, and it was an unexpected delight to meet a kindred soul somewhere where he’d long ago given up hope. He’d never planned to unveil demonic cultivation in this life unless he truly needed it – he didn’t want to hurt his Lan Zhan the way he had in his first life, and anyway Jiang Cheng and Uncle Jiang and Madame Yu were all alive, with hundreds of Jiang sect members to boot, there was no need for his sacrifice – but the part of him that was more researcher and inventor than cultivator luxuriated in their discussions.

Nie Mingjue was a lot more concerned than Wei Wuxian had ever been with consequences, and how to mitigate them, but he supposed that made sense: losing his cultivation hadn’t impacted that Nie temper one bit, and demonic cultivation was likely to make things worse. Moreover, Nie Mingjue was simply who he was, stiff and unbending, as much steel in his spine as in Baxia’s; he could almost be described as being rigid in his thinking except for the fact that he was in fact seriously considering becoming a demonic cultivator.

“We’re saber cultivators,” Nie Mingjue said when Wei Wuxian tentatively brought it up. “Like a saber, our nature is to be firm and unyielding, not flexible like the sword, but we cannot allow ourselves to become too rigid – a too-rigid saber will break upon encountering an obstacle. It’s a difficult balance to keep, and one made more difficult by our cultivation style.”

“The demonic cultivation aspects, you mean? Using yao to refine your saber spirit?”

“One day, though not today, I’m going to ask you how you know about that,” Nie Mingjue remarked, and although his tone was causal Wei Wuxian’s back went cold. “And I’ll expect you to tell me the truth when I do. But not today. Anyway, yes, that’s what I mean. Do you know what they mean when they say that demonic cultivation harms the temperament?”

Wei Wuxian hesitated. “I assume you’re going to tell me something other than ‘it drives you crazy and makes you kill people’?”

Nie Mingjue snorted. “Sometimes I wonder how someone as smart as you got sent home before you finished your lessons at the Cloud Recesses, but other times it’s fairly obvious.”

Wei Wuxian shrugged, embarrassed.

“Do you really not know?”

“No one taught this to me,” Wei Wuxian said, stung. “I came up with it on my own. How would I know?”

“All demonic cultivation has the same root,” Nie Mingjue said. “Obsession.”

“With killing, yeah, I know, I’ve heard it a million times –”

“Shut up and listen, you impertinent brat. The killing comes later. It starts with obsession. Obsession with righteousness, obsession with love, obsession with the pleasures of this world, with power – a human becomes a demon when they cannot overcome the obsessions within their heart, and the obsession consumes them. In time, a demonic cultivator who is obsessed with power will do whatever it takes to obtain that power, and not mind the blood shed to do it; a demonic cultivator who is obsessed with love will kill everyone who they perceive stands between them and their love, a demonic cultivator who is obsessed with righteousness will turn to murder when in their judgment something that ought to be condemned goes unpunished…”

“What about one who only wants what’s best for his family?” Wei Wuxian said, and he did not know if the challenge in his voice was about Nie Mingjue’s future or his own past.

Nie Mingjue shrugged. “Two roads that I can see: first, their family turns away from them for what they have become and they become vicious with the abandonment, becoming quick to lash out against the world and eventually doing something that causes the world to turn against them. Second, their family stands by them, and eventually the world causes some harm to them – and the demonic cultivator turns to madness in revenge.”

“Not exactly an optimistic outlook.”

“Not especially, no.”

“You don’t seem as concerned by that as I would have thought.”

Nie Mingjue’s lips twitched. “I have a solution.”

“Would you like to share?”

“Using resentful energy to cultivate our sabers makes them prone to obsession, driving them ceaselessly to fight evil, destroy it, without discrimination. It makes them stronger, but also more dangerous – and that is why they must be carefully controlled.”

Wei Wuxian frowned. “So, what? You’re going to be the saber now? Under whose control?”

“Huaisang’s, of course,” Nie Mingjue said, as if it were obvious. “For better or for worse, he is sect leader now. Who else would it be?”

“But – what if you disagree? What if he wants to do things one way, and you another –”

“Then I argue and probably yell a lot, and if in the end he still insists on doing things his way, I listen,” Nie Mingjue said dryly. “That’s how hierarchy works. Isn’t it the same for you? When your shidi, Jiang Cheng, becomes sect leader, you’ll need to listen to him – or leave the sect. There’s no middle ground.”

Wei Wuxian scowled.

“A sect leader that can’t control his disciples is worse than a demonic cultivator,” Nie Mingjue said. “He’s weak. A target, ripe to be ripped apart and devoured by other sects – resources raided, disciples poached, responsibilities taken away...It’s not a fate I would wish on anyone. If you can’t commit to obeying, commit to leaving so that you don’t end up promising more than you can give.”

Ouch.

Just – ouch.

Great advice, fantastic advice, world-class advice, and totally useless because Jiang Cheng had travelled back in time with him and was therefore convinced that Wei Wuxian was just looking for the first way out of the Jiang sect he could find, no matter what Wei Wuxian said or did about it.

(Even Madame Yu was concerned by the new coldness in their relationship and had tried to talk to him about it, which – Wei Wuxian didn’t know what to do with that. It didn’t match any of what he had thought he’d understood.)

He decided to focus back in on the demonic cultivation lessons, shifting from theoretical discussions to the practical, and that, unfortunately, was when they encountered an issue.

“What do you mean you can’t play an instrument?” Wei Wuxian demanded, appalled. “It’s one of the Six Arts! Everyone can play some sort of instrument – even Nie Huaisang plays an instrument!”

“Everyone agreed it was better that I stop learning,” Nie Mingjue said defensively. “It’s all just plucking on strings or blowing air in pipes, and yet no matter that I did exactly what the teacher said to do, it never worked, that’s all.”

“Didn’t Zewu-jun offer to teach you…?”

“He did. And then he said it would be better if we stopped, too.”

The reason, Wei Wuxian soon learned, was that Nie Mingjue was almost completely tone deaf, and the only reason it was almost was that he was still capable of differentiating speech.

“I agree with the majority,” he said after an extremely frustrating day. “Stop. Never pick up an instrument ever again. And don’t let anyone but Zewu-jun play something especially for you, either, okay? Even if they’re highly recommended.”

“An interesting request,” Nie Mingjue said, eyebrows arched skeptically. “May I ask why?”

“Because you’ll have no idea if they’ve changed the music on you,” Wei Wuxian said bluntly. A great deal about the man’s murder in a different life made sense now, and Jin Guangyao’s brilliance in hiding the score of Turmoil inside of Clarity was a little less impressive when played to a man who thought all music, without exception, was just plucking strings or blowing air. “Musical cultivation is deadly in the right hands, especially if you lower your defenses against it. Just consider it a precaution.”

Nie Mingjue’s eyebrows remained arched, but he hummed in agreement.

“I guess we’ll have to think of a new way for you to cultivate demonic cultivation,” Wei Wuxian said, rubbing his face. He had not been planning on having to invent demonic cultivation at all in this life, and now he needed to not only ‘invent’ the original but actually come up with something new. Why was his life so hard? “How did you previously manipulate external energy?”

“With Baxia.”

“Well, that’s not helpful, is it? You can’t wield a human being. Perhaps another saber…?”

That didn’t work, primarily because it turned out that Baxia had strong feelings about Nie Mingjue even thinking about using another saber and well, as far as Wei Wuxian was concerned, whatever Baxia wanted, Baxia got.

(Nie Huaisang had had to go to Heijan once, with Wei Wuxian and Baxia accompanying him since Nie Mingjue wasn’t ready yet, and some unlucky Wen captain had tried to ambush them. That captain, and his squad, were not granted the courtesy of an intact corpse, and Baxia hadn’t even gotten a speck of blood on her nice new robes – no, Wei Wuxian would not be crossing Baxia any time soon.)

“There’s got to be something,” Wei Wuxian said, and Nie Mingjue agreed, and in the end they found something.

Nie Mingjue had been absent-mindedly playing around with one of Nie Huaisang’s fans when one of the fierce corpses Wei Wuxian had raised as practice targets had gotten loose; instinct had taken over and Nie Mingjue had lashed out with the weapon at hand as if it were a saber, and the resentful energy had surged in response –

Baxia was apparently not threatened by the notion of her master using a fan as a weapon, not even one inlaid with steel and heavy cloth with enough layers to catch a sword in.

(If Wei Wuxian needed to go have some time to himself at the sight of Nie Huaisang, dressed as a sect leader with his saber always at his side, standing next to Nie Mingjue holding a fan – well, that was his problem, and also one he intended to show to Jiang Cheng at the next possible opportunity. Someone else deserved to have their mind wrecked by the incongruity as much as he had.)

Even without the weirdness of Nie Mingjue, it was more than a little odd to see Nie Huaisang in the robes of a sect leader without him acting like the Head-shaker. The shock of having to become sect leader had fallen heavily on him: he had become a little more serious, a little more earnest (though still a bit frivolous); he was more inclined to listen and think things over, less inclined to run away.

“If da-ge is going to become a demonic cultivator, someone needs to stand behind him,” Nie Huaisang said simply when Wei Wuxian had tried probing. “He’s always held the world up for me – it’s the least I can do for him. I may not be able to do much, I might be terrible at it, but I owe it to him to at least try.”

Wei Wuxian wondered, sometimes, if Jiang Cheng would have stood up for him if only he had trusted in him, believed in him, the way Nie Mingjue believed in his notoriously useless little brother.

Maybe he’d ask, when he went back to the Jiang sect.

Maybe he’d –

“What the fuck is wrong with you,” Jiang Cheng said as a greeting, and for once Uncle Jiang didn’t disagree. “All those letters and you never once mentioned the terrors?”

“The what,” Wei Wuxian said, and that was how he learned that while he was on his way back to Yunmeng neither Baxia nor Nie Mingjue had wasted any time utilizing their newfound skills out on the battlefield.

Nie Huaisang was never going to be a particularly respected sect leader, especially by those that had met him beforehand, but evidently that wasn’t really important given that he was constantly flanked by what was being called the two terrors of Qinghe.

Nie Mingjue preferred darker colors now that he was no longer sect leader, the same dark grey shading towards black that Baxia had selected for herself, and the selection somehow made him seem even taller, verging on inhuman, and Baxia standing beside him, her human features patterned roughly after his, made the two of them appear a matched set. Nie Mingjue wielded the fan that Wei Wuxian had helped him design, which he had forged with his own hands out of the metal from the Xuanwu’s cave that Wei Wuxian had foolishly figured someone ought to get some use out of, painted over with a cinnabar array in Nie Huaisang’s careful brushstrokes, and in his hands it was both weapon and conduit for the raising of armies of corpses. Baxia, for her part, held nothing but required nothing, a sweeping gesture of her hand more devastating than a dozen blows with the saber.

They were terrifying, a nightmare writ large and unmistakably dangerous, undeniably demonic cultivators in a way that was entirely different from Wei Wuxian’s own dramatics, and it unnerved the rest of the cultivation world the way Wei Wuxian had feared it would.

“It won’t be a problem,” Jiang Cheng said impatiently. “The Nie sect are ascending in strength, and this only adds to their mystique – who would challenge them?”

“Uh, Jin Guangshan,” Wei Wuxian said. “Like last time?”

Jiang Cheng huffed. “At this rate, I don’t even think Jin Guangyao will bother defecting to the Jin sect,” he said. “Not if he knows how to play his cards right. The Nie sect’s strength in the original version was never about Chifeng-zun’s skill with the blade alone. It was the whole sect’s strength, with Chifeng-zun’s ability to wield them as skillfully as he did his saber; he’s an outstanding general. And now they have him as a general, him as a demonic cultivator, and whatever the fuck is going on with Lady Baxia –”

“I already told you. She’s a guai.”

“Like I already told you, it doesn’t matter how many times you say that, I will immediately expel the knowledge from my mind and you should too. ‘Immortal cultivator cousin that my brother named his saber after’, like what Nie Huaisang has been putting about, is a perfectly acceptable cover story.”

“And the fact that his saber disappeared at the same time?”

“Coincidence,” Jiang Cheng said firmly. “And we’re sticking with that. Anyway, the point is that if you’re an ambitious man, the Nie sect is the place to be right now and probably will continue to be in the future. This is going to be evident to both Jin Guangshan and the future Jin Guangyao, and we’ll need to deal with that.”

“I’ll keep an eye out,” Wei Wuxian promised. “After rescuing Chifeng-zun and helping with the demonic cultivation, I’ve gotten pretty close to them.”

“Mm. And how about your other mission?”

Wei Wuxian scowled at the smirk on Jiang Cheng’s face. “You know perfectly well that I haven’t had any time to seduce Lan Wangji, what with how busy I’ve been. I don’t even know for sure if he likes me yet -!”

“You’re an idiot, he does, and you’re not allowed to keep us all in suspense for two decades this time. Figure it out.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I’m sticking you with the job of being an information courier and you leave for the Lan sect front line tomorrow.”

“You are the best shidi ever,” Wei Wuxian said, and meant it.

Jiang Cheng huffed. “Yeah, well,” he said as if his cheeks weren’t red. “Remember that in the future. In this life we’re the Twin Heroes, you hear me? No take-backs.”

Nie Mingjue was right: Wei Wuxian would need to either learn to obey or tell Jiang Cheng early on that he was leaving, and walking a path in the middle would only cause heartbreak all over again.

“Okay,” he said, deciding to ask Lan Wangji for advice on obedience. Surely that was something that could be learned? “Deal. You do know that that means Lan Wangji’s going to have to marry in, right?”

“Oh no,” Jiang Cheng said, voice entirely flat. “How terrible. I’ll find a way to manage dealing with that ice block somehow…listen, I don’t care if you end up calling him Wei Sizhui in this life, but don’t ruin his character. He was perfectly nice.”

“I don’t know if he’s even been born yet,” Wei Wuxian said glumly. “I’ve been looking, but…”

“I’ve asked some of Mother’s spies to keep track of Wen Ning and Wen Qing,” Jiang Cheng said. “Collecting evidence we’ll need for their inevitable post-war trial, assuming we want them to live better lives than just refugees. Give it time, we’ll find him.”

“Now I just need to see if Lan Wangji will want to raise children with me…”

“Wei Wuxian. I don’t care. Go.”

#mdzs #nie mingjue #wei wuxian #nie huaisang #baxia #jiang cheng #my fic #my fics #academic discussion of demonic cultivation #this isn't an answer to your question but I hope you like it anyway #tkpartisan

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writer-ish · 3 years

Note

41. Overhearing they have feelings for you

Dazzle me with your amazing words 💕

cliche tropes + prompts list #41. Overhearing they have feelings for you

Brooke scanned the patient chart one last time, feeling uncharacteristically nervous as she approached the doors to the diagnostics team’s office.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d rehearsed what she wanted to say before entering that room - making sure she didn’t fumble over her words or say the wrong thing - but here she was, feeling like a first-year intern again who was just trying not to screw up.

Taking a deep breath, she stopped just before she reached the glass windows that separated the office from the rest of the hospital. She released the breath slowly, telling herself all the things she already knew: You’re being ridiculous. You’ve earned your place there. You know what you’re doing.

It was just difficult to coincide these thoughts with the feelings swirling inside her. Somehow, it had been so much easier with June and Baz as her colleagues. Everyone had felt like they were on an even playing field, even if experience levels had differed slightly, and after the initial growing pains of joining the team for the first time, she had gotten into her groove fairly quickly.

Now, with the tumult of a new hospital setting, the intrusion of Leland at the helm, this whole concept of “horizontal leadership” or whatever the hell he had implemented, and—

Brooke cringed, ashamed at the direction of her thoughts but unable to help herself—

—all of it was made that much more difficult by the addition of Dr. Harper Emery, former Chief, neurosurgeon extraordinaire, and - she allowed herself a little sigh - Dr. Ethan Ramsey’s former romantic partner, to the Diagnostics Team.

She felt pathetic and she felt small. If she was any sort of doctor or, really, any person who wanted to better themselves in their chosen field, she would be using this change to benefit her own position - to learn and to grow and to become the best doctor she can possibly be.

Instead, she was acting like she used to act in middle school, when the boy she liked had a crush on someone else.

Snap out of it, she commanded herself, hoping the firm mental voice in her head did its job. You’re better than this. You deserve better than this. And so does Ethan.

She knew it was a disservice to both of them, this assumption that he was somehow pleased beyond a professional capacity that Harper had joined the team.

But sometimes, insecurity didn’t follow the rules or listen to reason. She would just have to get over it, one way or another, and pray it didn’t affect her - professionally or personally - in any meaningful way.

Heaving another sigh, she went to take a step towards the door, when she heard voices muffled through the glass.

“Oh, I was going to ask—” It was Harper, Brooke identified quickly. Her voice had a distinctly melodic tone, which belied the tough, no-nonsense exterior she always upheld.

“Hmm?” Ethan. Brooke would have recognized that distracted grunt anywhere. Her heart swooped a little at the sound of him, like it always did.

“Are you free tonight to go over the results from Mrs. Herringbow’s case? I was thinking maybe we could stay late, order something in? We could also just go to my place, if you’d prefer. I’m sure you remember where it is.”

There was nothing particularly lascivious about Harper’s comment, but Brooke felt her heart start beating irregularly nonetheless and she leaned back against the wall for support, mindful to stay out of view of the window. She held her breath as she waited for Ethan’s response.

“Oh.”

Oh? Oh? That’s it? she thought, her mind tumbling like a tennis ball in the dryer. Oh what, Ethan?

She heard him clear his throat.

“I’m not sure that’s—I mean, that is, I’m happy to go over the results with you any time, it’s just that—tonight? I actually, uh, have plans.”

She barely even noticed the uncharacteristic fumbling over his words, instead continuing to hold her breath to see if he’d elaborate. Because, the fact of the matter was, he didn’t have plans. Not with her, anyway. She couldn’t help but wonder what he was playing at, exactly.

“Oh.” This time it was Harper’s voice, slightly nonplussed. “Okay, that’s not a problem, maybe—”

“With Brooke,” Ethan interrupted. “Er, Dr. Spiers, that is. I have plans with Dr. Spiers.”

“Ohhh.” Harper’s response was more drawn-out, more knowing, than it had been previously. “I see. So, that’s still—?”

“Yes,” Ethan said firmly. “We’re together.”

“Well, Ethan.” Harper’s voice held a tinge of humour. “I mean… I’m not trying to steal you away from her or anything like that. It would be a strictly professional meeting.”

Brooke didn’t know how, but she could literally hear him pinch the bridge of his nose.

“No, I—I know,” Ethan admitted. “It’s just—my priority is her, right now. Her feelings. I’m just not sure how she would—”

“Is it really that big of a deal?” Harper responded, a bit stridently. She seemed annoyed, maybe by the implications of Ethan’s refusal. Maybe by what she assumed was a hypothetical overreaction on the part of absent Brooke.

“I don’t know,” Ethan replied honestly. “I feel—new at all of this, somehow. Like I’m navigating foreign waters. All I know is that…” He hesitated and Brooke held her breath. “That I don’t want to screw this up.”

There was a loaded silence. Then, Harper spoke:

“Well, good. You not screwing things up would be a new one.”

A pause, then they both burst into laughter.

“Remember the time you told that vineyard owner that you wouldn’t even use his merlot for cooking—?”

“You’re just mad because you couldn’t get that free sample anymore—”

Their laughter carried out of the doorway and Brooke stepped away from the wall, and began heading in the opposite direction, feeling lighter than she had in days. She bit her lip to try and contain her smile, heart fluttering in competition with the butterflies in her stomach.

Her diagnosis could wait. For now, she’d let two old friends do some catching up.

#open heart prompts #open heart #open heart fanfic #ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #open heart ficlet #in this house we respect harper emery #and headcanon that mc is a tiny bit insecure #and ethan is just clueless

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