arcalx

[arcalx]

♤ No, because you're not the one who was there when I had my first panic attack.

No, because you're not the one who was there when I was dealing my my ED.

No, because you're not the one was there when I was praying to a God I didn't believe in to "please fix my family. Make us happy so then they would love me" or when it changed to "why?"

No, because you're not the one who was there when I was staying up night after night, crying my eyes out until I completely shut down and went numb.

No, because you're not the one who was there when I had to suppressed parts of me to be better liked

No, because you're not the one who was there when multiple times I could have ended it all and almost did.

No, because you're not the one who was there to help me mourn.

No, because you're not the one who was there when everything fell apart.

No, because you're not the one who was ever there for me.

I was. Me.

You weren't there for anything. You didn't even know. No one knows what I've held myself together through and I'm still trying to figure out what I did it for. Because it sure as hell wasn't for you.

#calxvent #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #autism #actually autistic #shitty family #shitty friends #shitty parents #shitty life #family issues #parental issues #neglect #abandonment issues #mommy issues #daddy issues #avoidant attachment #emotionally unavailable #i feel unwell #i feel like shit #i feel unworthy #i feel unlovable #i feel unsafe

[arcalx]

♧ Say it with me...

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but I was your child.

#calxvent #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #shitty family #family issues #mommy issues #daddy issues #parental issues #neglect #avoidant attachment #emotionally stunted #emotionally absent #absent father #in denial about their absue #who me? noooo #be better than your parents pls #grow and learn for your kids #go to therapy #i need therapy

[arcalx]

big fan of anything that shuts my brain off for a little while

[arcalx]

I know it's getting bad again when all I have the energy to do is get high and lay in bed pretending to be somewhere else

[arcalx]

◇ empty

empty

Empty

Empty

EMPTY

EMPTY

EMPTY

EMPTY

I FEEL FUCKING EMPTY

#calxvent #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #autism #autistic struggles #suicidal ideation #suicidality #chronic suicidality #chronic loneliness

[arcalx]

I feel like I was just thrown into life with absolutely no skills, no survivalism, very little functioning, little will to live and then expected to live a full functional life and be productive and healthy.

[arcalx]

♡ Hey Calx, what are you doing?

Writing letters.

#calxvent #tw sui ideation #suicidal ideation #chronic suicidality #suicidality #iykyk #trauma #mental illness #mental problems

[arcalx]

True isolation is when everyone else is talking about their vibrant teenage experience and you’re like. I was just trying to survive

[arcalx]

i knew from a young age i was weird and off putting and unlovable

[arcalx]

I’m a stranger to myself; uncomfortable in my own body and unsafe in my own mind

[arcalx]

[arcalx]

♤ If you're someone that uses autistic as an insult or in a negative way or the r word in general, I hope your days are miserable like harmful shit your spreading and I hope they continue that way until one day you learn the impact of your actions

#calxvent #autism #autistic struggles #autistic experiences #autistic things #actually autistic #autistic people are people #autistic people are vaild #youre just the lesser being if you think otherwise #realize the impact of your words #learn and do better

[arcalx]

♧ It feels like the person that everyone knows is just an amalgamation of some part of us all, when in reality there's so many more of use, each different than the other-- our own beings.

Is this a possible did/osdd thing?

#calxvent #trauma #mental illness #disociative identity disorder #disociation #derealization #osddid #did osdd #questioning system #questions

[arcalx]

My disability has once again disabled me and I for one and shocked.

[arcalx]

I feel trapped in a life that I wasn’t meant to live

[arcalx]

◇ I'm tired of feeling like a bad person for something I can't control.

#calxvent #autism #autistic struggles #autistic experiences #autistic things #actually autistic #autistic adult #audhd #disabled #disability #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #im tryin my best #im struggling #im tired #im going to kms

[arcalx]

♡ Google: how to not feel bad and insanely guilty for missing work and not being able to fulfill expectations because of your disability.

Because I'm disabled.

With a disability that disables me.

And I can't quit.

Because society.

#calxvent #autism #autistic struggles #autistic experiences #autistic things #actually autistic #autistic adult #audhd #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #im struggling #disability #disabled #i feel guilty for something i cant control #anxiety