#calxvent

[arcalx]

♧ Question for systems as a questioning system or if any systems relate to this lmk, do you ever have times where you feel two things at once but also know that one of the ways that your feeling isn't yours?

Example: someone gets mad at you or you said something that hurts someone else's feelings. You don't care but somewhere within yourself you feel that someone does, that they're upset by the turn of events.

This also happens with the body. I will recognize the signs of anxiety and feel anxious but I'm not at all anxious and it doesn't feel like my anxiety.

Anyways any help on this would be greatly appreciated

#questioning system #dissociative identity disorder #other specified dissociative disorder #did osdd #osddid #calxvent

[arcalx]

♤ The daily struggle of having to remind myself that I am indeed disabled and that I actually cannot do the thing despite the fact of thinking if I just plan it out, it'll "work out".

#autism #actually autistic #audhd #autistic things #autistic struggles #autistic problems #autistic burnout #disabled #chronic pain #calxvent

[arcalx]

♤ No, because you're not the one who was there when I had my first panic attack.

No, because you're not the one who was there when I was dealing my my ED.

No, because you're not the one was there when I was praying to a God I didn't believe in to "please fix my family. Make us happy so then they would love me" or when it changed to "why?"

No, because you're not the one who was there when I was staying up night after night, crying my eyes out until I completely shut down and went numb.

No, because you're not the one who was there when I had to suppressed parts of me to be better liked

No, because you're not the one who was there when multiple times I could have ended it all and almost did.

No, because you're not the one who was there to help me mourn.

No, because you're not the one who was there when everything fell apart.

No, because you're not the one who was ever there for me.

I was. Me.

You weren't there for anything. You didn't even know. No one knows what I've held myself together through and I'm still trying to figure out what I did it for. Because it sure as hell wasn't for you.

#calxvent #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #autism #actually autistic #shitty family #shitty friends #shitty parents #shitty life #family issues #parental issues #neglect #abandonment issues #mommy issues #daddy issues #avoidant attachment #emotionally unavailable #i feel unwell #i feel like shit #i feel unworthy #i feel unlovable #i feel unsafe

[arcalx]

♡ I hate that I must live at least one level removed from the world, dissociated to some degree just to manage.

I want to be able to live. I would say again but I don't know if I ever did, but at least back then I could remember.

#calxvent #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #autism #autistic struggles #autistic experiences #autistic things #dissociation #derealization #depersonalization #memory loss #idk anything anymore #I can't even remember what I did a few hours ago #I want to remember the things most important to me #it's not fair

[arcalx]

♤ I wish it was talked about how the concept of trust is such a hard concept to deal with as an autistic person. I'm not saying the act itself is difficult persae, no, because it's not. Autistic people often trust too much, too easily and that's what gets us hurt. No, I'm talking about how the constant bad experiences that can lead to such a hindering level of distrust.

As an autistic person, I no longer know how to take things at face value because no one tells you shit and I can't trust anything. I don't know when things go wrong and can't even trust when things feel right because people don't tell you when they don't like you, when you do something wrong, when you were rude or mean, the problems they have with you. They don't tell you that they don't want to be around you or that they hang out with you out of guilt, convince, pity, etc.

Too many times did I think that we were friends and that maybe I mattered to them when in reality, they couldn't care less or there were other people who held more importance over me. Too many times did I try my best to do everything right, to be exactly what they wanted at the expense of myself only to be thrown away without word or reason. Even when people do fulfill those roles, seeming so genuine, even going as far as to do kind things for me, to spare me some gentle words, even telling me how they supposedly think, I can't trust it. People always find ways to be cruel despite some goodness they display, to leave when they promise they won't.

How am I supposed to trust when everything seems like a lie? When people aren't always honest and open, keeping their intentions hidden at all times? Even seeing others be betrayed by the ones they trusted, the one they thought they knew; I don't know how to believe anyone.

But, god, I wish I could.

#calxvent #autism #autistic struggles #autistic experiences #autistic things #autistic trauma #trauma #trust issues #trust is hard #idk how to trust

[arcalx]

♤ If you're someone that uses autistic as an insult or in a negative way or the r word in general, I hope your days are miserable like harmful shit your spreading and I hope they continue that way until one day you learn the impact of your actions

#calxvent #autism #autistic struggles #autistic experiences #autistic things #actually autistic #autistic people are people #autistic people are vaild #youre just the lesser being if you think otherwise #realize the impact of your words #learn and do better

[arcalx]

♧ Say it with me...

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but I was your child.

#calxvent #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #shitty family #family issues #mommy issues #daddy issues #parental issues #neglect #avoidant attachment #emotionally stunted #emotionally absent #absent father #in denial about their absue #who me? noooo #be better than your parents pls #grow and learn for your kids #go to therapy #i need therapy

[arcalx]

◇ I'm tired of feeling like a bad person for something I can't control.

#calxvent #autism #autistic struggles #autistic experiences #autistic things #actually autistic #autistic adult #audhd #disabled #disability #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #im tryin my best #im struggling #im tired #im going to kms

[arcalx]

♤ Even if one day I grow to like myself, I will still spend the rest of my days wishing away aspects of myself that I can not change.

Things that cause me harm.

Things that cause me pain.

Things that make life difficult.

Things that make me difficult.

Because at the end of the day, I am still me and these things will not change.

#calxvent #trauma #mental illness #autism #autistic struggles #autistic experiences #autistic things #derealization #depersonalization #dissociation #things will always be harder for me and that's something I'm forced to accpet #random writing

[arcalx]

◇ empty

empty

Empty

Empty

EMPTY

EMPTY

EMPTY

EMPTY

I FEEL FUCKING EMPTY

#calxvent #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #autism #autistic struggles #suicidal ideation #suicidality #chronic suicidality #chronic loneliness

[arcalx]

♡ Google: how to not feel bad and insanely guilty for missing work and not being able to fulfill expectations because of your disability.

Because I'm disabled.

With a disability that disables me.

And I can't quit.

Because society.

#calxvent #autism #autistic struggles #autistic experiences #autistic things #actually autistic #autistic adult #audhd #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #im struggling #disability #disabled #i feel guilty for something i cant control #anxiety

[arcalx]

♤ The reason you feel empty after the party is over is because after all is said and done, no matter how well the event went or how good you felt in the moment, at the end of the day you go home alone.

No one messages you later, they don't want to hang out with you. They have other friends, other people to see, they don't need you. Everyone you know is attached to someone else that's so much more important than you. Everyone leaves eventually, you know that.

You have no one.

After the exchange, you go home to a desolate, cold household while everyone else is surrounded by a warm embrace. After the call, you're still all alone in your room with the emptiness that permeates from the walls while they have so much to do, lives to live. "Next time", "Next time", "Next time", it's always next time, isn't it? But next time never comes, does it?

Why do you persist? Why do you continue to act in this discontinued show? Who are you dancing for? You can't remedy your loneliness with these constant reaches. You can't expect the story to repeat with the ending changed.

You can't keep doing this.

But no one hears you, do they? You've said so much, been so honest at times but no one soul has listened to you. They don't care, do they? They never do. You have to do this on your own, soothe yourself on your own.

But you don't know how to fix this hurt, do you?

#me at myself #me to myself #chronic loneliness #i don't know how to get over this #i feel like i'm broken #random writing #word vomit #calxvent #but not actually #someone said/thought it but idk who

[arcalx]

TW: brief mention of wanting to d*e

♤ It's not that I don't think that I deserve to live, I just think that people don't want me to.

And it's not that I want to die, it's just that I don't think I can live.

#calxvent #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #autism #autistic struggles #autistic experiences #autistic things #chronic loneliness #chronic suicidality #suicidal ideation #the world is cruel #especially to neurodivergent people #even more so to neurodivergent adults #people suck

[arcalx]

♧ I don't know how other people can do it.

I don't know how to not feel a nauseating amount of shame, regret, and embarrassment after talking to someone you're not close to.

I don't know how to not feel hurt and upset when other people have people to talk to and hang out with while I'm still trying to figure out what's wrong with me.

I don't know how to feel something without using a controlled panic to avoid it.

I don't know how to do something new or work on improving a skill without taking every failure as a show of my failed character.

I don't know how to inconvenience someone or break my promises without using it as proof that I'm a terrible person.

I don't know how to talk to my family or friends without feeling deeply misunderstood and/or unheard.

I don't know how to allow myself to exist in the eyes of others.

I don't know how to fathom a positive thing without warping it into an unseen negative.

I don't know how to take things at face value without some level of distrust.

I don't know how to find the joy in logical negative statistics.

I don't know how to be available without it being able to be used by others to abuse me.

I don't know how to accept touch without feeling disgusting and vile.

I don't know how to accept kindness without suspicion.

I don't know how to fit in.

I don't know how to be accepted.

I don't know how to love without fear.

I don't know how to be worthy of love.

I don't know how to manage the distance between me and everyone else that will never close.

I don't know how to eat without the guilt.

I don't know how to work without sleep without guilt.

I don't know how to speak without guilt.

I don't know how to be without guilt.

I don't know how to find purpose and will to continue on when I will forever be at a disadvantage and this pain with not go away.

I don't know how to feel like I have worth.

I don't know how to not blame myself.

I don't know how to fix what has been done.

I don't know how to manage the fear of crossing that bridge.

I don't know how to reach out to someone before I never can.

I don't know how to just get on with it.

I don't know how to just end this.

I don't know how to just say goodbye.

I don't know how.

I don't know.

I don't know anything.

#calxvent #trauma #mental illness #mental problems #i need help #i need sleep #i need therapy #i need to die #im tired of trying to figure out what's wrong with me #autism #autistic struggles #autistic experiences #autistic things #i dont want to be here anymore #im so close to just actually doing it

[arcalx]

♡ It was today...

It was today when I was washing dishes that I realized.

I realized that the reason I struggle to forgive you is because I keep using past logic to excuse your present behaviours.

I keep thinking about how you were treated, how you didn't know better, how I never told you.

But the thing with that is that I'm grown now, I have a voice of my own and I've used that voice to express my issues to you.

But you've ignored me.

You continue on the way you were instead of changing, getting better, being better.

And I keep thinking about how you don't know any better.

But you do.

I keep thinking about how I never told you.

But I have.

I keep thinking about how you were treated.

But we both know you didn't have to be like her.

You could have done better for me.

You could do better for me.

But you don't.

You actively reject and refuse despite my desperate pleas and heated arguments for change.

I don't want to forgive you but my anger and frustrations with you fade when I remember what you've been through.

It's not something I could have controlled, it's not my fault.

It shouldn't be something I feel like I have to make up to you for, it's not my responsibility.

But you choose to have me.

You wanted me.

But you choose to treat me like this.

I know you deserved better.

But so do I.

#calxvent #writing #mommy issues #trauma #is this a poem? #poem #poetry #idk

[arcalx]

◇ I just wanna talk to someone who will listen, who would understand or at least try to. I wish I had friends or family that care, someone who won't hurt me.

#i dont want to #be alone #i dont deserve this #im tired #calxvent