callicocat113

[callicocat113]

it's just that there's a few more steps you have to take that other people don't have to take, but they don't see the steps, so they think you should be able to hop from moment to moment, a chickadee.

it isn't getting out of bed. it is the weight, the hook in your chest, the anchor. you have to move the anchor first. you have to silence your alarm, but your phone is in your hand, which means now you have to put the phone down, which is too-hard. you get stuck in there for a while, the white screen, mindlessly scrolling. you don't even like this activity, have tried a few other options but - here you are, and time is passing.

you've googled iron deficiency causes depression and if i drink enough water does it help with mental illness and anxiety but no caffiene within the last two weeks, like how you googled am i gay quiz at 17.

it isn't just calling the doctor back, it's the anxiety, it's these little moths in your lung cavities, furious and fluttering. you need to figure out how to capture your fingers from between their nervous bodies. you are an adult, you can say the words yes hi, i'm calling because i need - but you need to practice first. maybe write it down because what if you misspeak, wouldn't that be embarrassing. write it down, but you need to find a pen first. well, actually, your desk is kind of messy. you should get a new pen. you should get a new organizational system. you should try journaling.

your grades in school were always strange. the way teachers would say things like it feels like you're not trying. you could touch stars in the stuff you cared about. well, sometimes. god be willing. homework average zero. oops! your english teacher's wrinkled brow: i know you know this stuff. what the fuck are you doing?

it isn't the showering, it's the mirror before the shower and the soft horrible pull of your naked physique. you have to avoid eye contact completely or else it'll be 93 minutes later and you'll have picked at your skin until every little pore is bleeding. you have to stand up but standing is tiring and also you should have remembered to buy more soap but you never remember anything. maybe get out of the shower and while it's still running and you're still dripping wet, use your phone to take a note. make a note to get your groceries. let the shower run while you stand half-in half-out and get lost in your phone for a moment. come back out when the water runs cold and now you have to sprint to get ready.

your grandmother's frown. you're just being lazy. protestant work ethics in a house that isn't even protestant. she says she just learned different but she means learned better, doesn't she.

it's not that you can't send the email, it's that your hands have been hurting lately and the desk really is messy and also why the fuck would you even care about this thing? doesn't everyone else feel like they're drowning? hi brendon thanks so much for sending! will review and get back to you shortly. but now you're on the internet, close the tab with tumblr on it. go on, close it. feel the little soft vapor of boredom come up and over your eyeteeth and make everything overwhelming and itchy.

literally all you have to do is put on shoes to go outside. you're literally already dressed, that's the hard part of this whole thing. literally just put the shoes on. just... do it! do it! this shit is easy!

it's literally that easy. just stop taking all those stupid invisible steps. stop following your strange made-up rules. times like this, even you're positive you're faking. you just don't want to bother with the cleaning and the cooking and the being-an-adult.

but then - shouldn't you be able to put these stupid shoes on? nobody's even looking. go on kid. life is out there! just take the leap!

get moving.

#THIS #EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS #spilled ink

[callicocat113]

i know we’re both just messing around pretending to be whole but look at me. if the train was coming would you move. if the ground was falling from under your feet would you even notice or would it just be another tuesday for you. if somebody stabbed you could it hurt worse than you already do. what i’m saying is that i love you but i think we both drive over the speed limit when it’s raining. what i’m saying is that i want to hold your hand and i understand about how you sometimes have to sit down in the shower. what i’m saying is that i’m here for you and if the train comes please move.

#thank you i love you #spilled ink

[callicocat113]

i know we’re both just messing around pretending to be whole but look at me. if the train was coming would you move. if the ground was falling from under your feet would you even notice or would it just be another tuesday for you. if somebody stabbed you could it hurt worse than you already do. what i’m saying is that i love you but i think we both drive over the speed limit when it’s raining. what i’m saying is that i want to hold your hand and i understand about how you sometimes have to sit down in the shower. what i’m saying is that i’m here for you and if the train comes please move.

#this is everything #spilled ink

[callicocat113]

later, winter ❄️ greetings, spring 🌸

#art #digital art

[callicocat113]

i love when words fit right. seize was always supposed to be that word, and so was jester. tuesday isn't quite right but thursday should be thursday, that's a good word for it. daisy has the perfect shape to it, almost like you're laughing when you say it; and tulip is correct most of the time. while keynote is fun to say, it's super wrong - i think they have to change the label for that one. but fox is spot-on.

most words are just, like, good enough, even if what they are describing is lovely. the night sky is a fine term for it but it isn't perfect the way november is the correct term for that month.

it's not just in english because in spanish the phrase eso si que es is correct, it should be that. sometimes other languages are also better than the english words, like how blue is sloped too far downwards but azul is perfect and hangs in the air like glitter. while butterfly is sweet, i think probably papillion is more correct, although for some butterflies féileacán is much better. year is fine but bliain is better. sometimes multiple languages got it right though, like how jueves and Πέμπτη are also the right names for thursday. maybe we as a species are just really good at naming thursdays.

and if we were really bored and had a moment and a picnic to split we could all sit down for a moment and sort out all the words that exist and find all the perfect words in every language. i would show you that while i like the word tree (it makes you smile to say it), i think arbor is correct. you could teach me from your language what words fit the right way, and that would be very exciting (exciting is not correct, it's just fine).

i think probably this is what was happening at the tower of babel, before the languages all got shifted across the world and smudged by the hand of god. by the way, hand isn't quite right, but i do like that the word god is only 3 letters, and that it is shaped like it is reflecting into itself, and that it kind of makes your mouth move into an echoing chapel when you cluck it. but the word god could also fit really well with a coathanger, and i can't explain that. i think donut has (weirdly) the same shape as a toothbrush, but we really got bagel right and i am really grateful for that.

grateful is close, but not like thunder. hopefully one day i am going to figure out how to shape the way i love my friends into a little ceramic (ceramic is very good, almost perfect) pot and when they hold it they can feel the weight of my care for them. they can put a plant in there. maybe a daisy.

[callicocat113]

How to Start a Story Idea

Tackling a whole 50,000+ word novel can be a lot. Here are some ways to break down the process to make it a little more digestible.

Choose, research, and enjoy your story's setting. Whether this is a fantasy realm, a lost planet, or a small suburban town, know and research where your story takes place. Think about the time period, cultural details, geography, the laws/rules, etc. This is a world where the reader will be spending hours, so make sure it's immersive.

Place your protagonist in the world and give them a story. You could have the most detailed fantasy world, but that means nothing without a story or character to explore it. Create a compelling main character and give them a story that progresses them throughout the world you created. 

Find your story's theme. A well-rounded story will revolve around a theme or central idea. Some themes include survival, love, good vs. evil, death, war, forgiveness, etc. What do you want to teach your readers or leave them with once the novel is finished? Do you want them to know that forgiveness is important? That war creates wounds only love can heal? That beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Weave these themes and lessons into your plot and story.

Create a cast. Build your protagonist friends and foes that support or challenge them on their journey. Give some of these characters their own arcs/side plots to thicken your story. There are a bunch of character types that you could add to your story such as the love interest, a mentor, an antagonist, minor characters, etc.

Divide your novel into acts. Once you know the big picture of the story you want to tell, break it up into acts. There are three main acts of a traditional story: Acts I, II, and III. Look up and consider following the Three-Act Structure to give your story a fluid motion of beginning, middle, and end.

Know your ending. The ending is the final part that your readers digest, meaning that it will likely stick with them. You don't have to fully understand how your novel will end, but having somewhat of a plan is important. This way... when you write, you're writing towards something.

Instagram: coffeebeanwriting

#this a good simple way to break it up #I’ve personally found Abbie Emmon’s videos on YouTube to be incredibly helpful #novel writing #writing tips

[callicocat113]

but you see her on instagram and it was never really said that you guys aren’t friends but one day she stopped answering and you stopped texting and it’s not like the wound is a cavern but it is a diagram of what if in red letters. you want to tell her nice lipstick that’s a good color but the last time you spoke it was stilted and awkward 

how do you say goodbye, you know? it’s not an unfriend and block kind of situation. but you watch the people you once loved go on and have a life and you’re outside of it. and it’s bittersweet because of course it’s okay that you’re both thriving. but she used to be who you’d call if you needed to cry. she used to be who’d you’d be binge watching the new series with. you used to be hers, in a way, even if that way wasn’t permanent. and now she’s someone else and so are you and your friendship is clicking heart shapes next to pictures where she smiles next to people you’ve never met. you know where her birthmark is. she knows where you’ve buried your dead.

the poets and the singers and the authors write about romantic love when it ends. but nobody tells you how to get over a friend.

#I feel like I’ve reblogged this before but it’s worth doing it again #friendship #sigh

[callicocat113]

Colores Latine Colours in Latin

The two glauci there aren’t a mistake.

#latin #latin colors #colors #this is cool!!

[callicocat113]

I have a little secret.

Some nights, if a friend texted me something late at night, I would just… leave it. And that’s fine, it’s late, after all. But the important part is the “something.”

A friend texts you “fuck” at 12 am. A friend texts you “I love you” at 2 am. And you just… can’t bring yourself to text back.

What happened to the girl with a heart made of gold, who knew what it was like to be at the brink in the dead of the night? What happened to the girl who would stay up all night if her friend needed it? What happened to that girl filled with love?

I don’t know where she went. I like to think she’s still inside me, somewhere. But I’m just so… tired.

Is that bad?

#calli writes #i guess #haesi don't look

[callicocat113]

‘the milk carton’ by madilyn mei would make such a banger story for a musical. the vibes are immaculate. her voice is so pretty and reminds me of a fairy in the woods.

and the story would be so cool. paired with her other songs, like ‘where no one knows my name’ & ‘gone by morning’, it’d be about a restless soul who isn’t welcome where they live and runs away to find a more fantastical life. maybe they find a quaint hidden town with a dark secret. maybe they find a cult. maybe they go into the city. the possibilities are endless

#oooh wait this gets my brain juice flowing a bit #writing inspo #madilyn mei

[callicocat113]

“I want to go any way where no one knows my name…”

I want to go any way where I can wear cowboy boots one day and sandals the next, where I can braid my hair and grow it out long and cut it super short. My pronouns are not she/her! (Or are they? I never cared about them anyway.)

I want to go any way where I have friends that I can get boba with and do escape rooms and visit the beach with a swimsuit that feels good and hike a mountain before the sunrise.

I want to learn all the languages in the world and all the music in the world; I want to paint and draw and color outside the lines. I want something fierce I can write for; I want a message I want to shout across the rooftops.

I want, I want, I want-

I miss my friends.

“I want to go any way where no one knows my name, make it an adventure and never ever be the same. […] Life would be alright if I left today. It’d never be the same; I’d gladly take the blame.”

— “Gone by Morning” by Madilyn Mei

#calli writes #sad boi hours #gone by morning #madilyn mei

[callicocat113]

THIS FIC IS A MAGNIFICENT EXPERIENCE I’M STILL DYING OVER THE RECENT CHAPTER please read it it’s so so amazing and it made me laugh out loud in my room in the middle of the night quite a few of times:’)

#gorg <33 #digital art #daisuga #haikyuu #fanart #not my art

[callicocat113]

Here's to the people who weren't abused by their parents, but whose parents sucked anyways. Here's to people whose parents fucked up raising you out of ignorance and not malice. Here's to the kids whose parents didn't know what to do with you so they did nothing at all. Here's to people whose parents are getting better and growing as people but still hurt you. Here's to every mean comment that wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't come from your mom; here's to awkward family dinners because you're all trying to forget;

here's to you, survivor of a thousand 'not as bad as it could have been' hurts. I see you. You aren't alone.

[callicocat113]

sometimes i think about the golden record and i want to cry

#oh my gosh it's been so long since i've thought of the golden record #this legit almost made me cry #humanity #yall. this is it yall #golden record #<333

[callicocat113]

I think it's important to understand that discussions around amatonormativity usually aren't (or shouldn't be) asking people to see their individual romantic relationships as less important, because wanting a long-term monogamous romantic relationship isn't inherently amatonormative.

Amatonormativity is about the bigger picture of how society treats romantic relationships. It's about placing romantic relationships at the top of a hierarchy and then claiming that most meaningful close and intimate connections to other humans are only accessable through them. Amatonormativity is the assumption that everyone wants to end up in a monogamous long-term romantic relationship and then decrying anyone who wants a relationship that doesn't fit into that very narrow category.

Every individual person has to figure out for themselves which types of relationships they desire or don't desire and how much importance they want to give them. Amatonormativity criticizes the fact that that's not a question you are normally asked in the first place, because the answer is always assumed.

I think if in the end someone decides to prioritize their romantic relationships, they will still have defied amatonormativity simply through consciously making that decision, and through not assuming the same for everyone else. To me, dismantling amatonormativity is about deconstructing the assumed hierarchy of relationships, giving people the chance to actually think about what they truly want, and opening the pathways for those possibilities.

#amatonormativity #huh I never even thought of some of these

[callicocat113]

It’s solar and wind and tidal and geothermal and hydropower.

It’s plant-based diets and regenerative livestock farming and insect protein and lab-grown meat.

It’s electric cars and reliable public transit and decreasing how far and how often we travel.

It’s growing your own vegetables and community gardens and vertical farms and supporting local producers.

It’s rewilding the countryside and greening cities.

It’s getting people active and improving disabled access.

It’s making your own clothes and buying or swapping sustainable stuff with your neighbours.

It’s the right to repair and reducing consumption in the first place.

It’s greater land rights for the commons and indigenous peoples and creating protected areas.

It’s radical, drastic change and community consensus.

It’s labour rights and less work.

It’s science and arts.

It’s theoretical academic thought and concrete practical action.

It’s signing petitions and campaigning and protesting and civil disobedience.

It’s sailboats and zeppelins.

It’s the speculative and the possible.

It’s raising living standards and curbing consumerism.

It’s global and local.

It’s me and you.

Climate solutions look different for everyone, and we all have something to offer.

[callicocat113]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#inkskinned