igetdepressedandilearnthings

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

And so the time has come and I still don't know what is right and what is wrong.

Is it really mercyful to wish for things to end quickly, or am I just being selfish?

How do you get happy about anything when you still know the end is so near?

Should I be more preoccupied about my dad who is dying or about my mom that is watching him die?

I know I'm not actually alone in all of this, but at the same time I still am alone, because who can I really talk to about all of this with?

I already made the promise I wanted to, but I still feel like I haven't said enough. But I just don't know what to say. I have been trying my best to help with everything I can, but I still feel I haven't done enough. Still, I don't know what else I can actually do.

Do I even have a right to try and stay positive? Is that not awful? I feel like that is what my dad would do, he always was a positive person and I always admired that. Now I wonder if he ever felt the same, when he was smiling throughout all those difficult moments, making us feel like everything would be alright, did he too get filled with doubts and uncertainty behind his seemingly unbridled positivity?

Even now, he still smiles. He knows he will die, and he smiles at us as much as he can. When he struggles to say even the simplest of things, he still smiles. How does he do it? How do I help him? I just want t help him more, but I don't know how. I feel helpless myself, powerless. Completely defeated. But he does not.

If I could be more like him, maybe I would also be a better person. And maybe I could do more if I was. I just don't know if I can even dream of it. He is the best person I know, and I dread how the world will be without him in it. Life is really not fair.

#personal

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

What does one call the feeling that you should be enjoying life more?

Nevermind, what does one call the feeling that other people should realize you are not enjoying your life? That you are not okay, that you actually need them to fucking be there for once and that it's really not fair how they are only there when you are the one reaching out.

Is it abandonment? Is it indifference? Does it matter what you call it at all if you knowing the name won't change it from still happening?

I have a concert tomorrow. I'm very excited. Or I think I am. I cannot really tell anymore. I know I should be excited, but when I tried to make an IG story with a song from the band and a #tomorrowistheday I just didn't feel like it. I have so much on my mind, lately I don't know how I really feel at all.

We had some good news about my dad. Supposedly so. The truth is, it's been so long I just don't feel like good news even exists anymore. There is only bad news and bad news that hasn't come yet. And I know I should try to be more positive and to be grateful th that things are not bad right now but I just can't. It just kinda feels like whatever happiness I find now will just turn into sourness later on. There is nothing good left, just the bad that is and the worst that will come later.

And so I find it so hard to enjoy anything at all. And I wish people would notice. I wish my friends especially would notice. I am not blameless, I talk too little and I lie and hide myself very well. But even so, is it really too much to ask that someone actually knew me well enough to see through me? If it's my fault, what am I really to blame for, other than my own loneliness?

And so I ask myself again, should I call it abandonment and indifference, or is this atonement and the consequences of my failure as a person?

#me

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

rare house W

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

To Diana:

I loved you. As my best friend, and way more than that. Then you left me. You turned your back to me, said you didn't need me anymore so you didn't want anything to do with me. I don't think you ever loved me back.

And still, it hurt. Still it hurts. Because I used to be fine being alone. I was accustomed to being by myself and being perfectly okay that way. Then you came along, became my friend and showed me just how truly alone I used to be. I fell in love with you for that. And I still have that fear. That I will end up alone, that everyone is going to leave me like you did because people only ever need me but don't actually want me. No one actually loves me, I'm just useful. For a while at least. Then they leave.

To all my friends:

I'm sorry. I never meant to end up like this. I never meant to question our friendships so much. I never meant to think you all are lying when you tell me you love me. But I still do.

I resent every single Friday night I have spent by myself because everyone else was too busy or because you never think of me first when making plans. I resent every single message cancelling our plans because something came up and I can be relied upon to not get mad over that kind of thing. I resent that it's always me who has to ask first and never any of you that ask me to hang out.

I don't resent any of you. I resent that I still feel so alone while having so many friends. I resent that I won't call any of you even at my worst moments because I don't want to bother you. Or rather because I feel like if I ever bother you too much, you'd prefer to not have me as a friend anymore. And that too much is way too little in my mind. I resent that I don't think anyone would miss me if I died right now.

I'm sorry. Because I am going to go away. I need to. I'm just scared of doing it, and it's a rather difficult moment right now. But really I've just been putting it off because I'm scared of saying goodbye and hearing you all tell me how much you're gonna miss me when I know deep down I will never believe that to be true. So I'll just leave and skip the goodbye. And for that I'm sorry. Because I might be wrong, but I would never bet against me.

I'm sorry for planning this so far ahead. And I'm sorry because I know I will go through with it. Unlike you, I don't make promises I don't intend to keep.

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

refseek.com

www.worldcat.org/

link.springer.com

http://bioline.org.br/

repec.org

science.gov

pdfdrive.com

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

Today I dreamt my dad died.

It's been over two years since I saw him convulsing next to me in the parked car in our driveway. The car I literally leapt in front of to keep him from driving off because he was already speaking incoherently but he was still got into while we were getting ready to go to the hospital.

It's been almost two years since his diagnosis came and told us it was lung cancer that had spread to his brain. Stage 4. Very little chance he'd even make it this far.

In all this time, I hadn't yet had a dream like that. It was curious to me, because I rarely ever remember my dreams but one the few recurring ones I remember having is about him dying. I used to have that dream when I was finishing high school/beginning college. I always woke up with tears in my eyes.

Today I too dreamt my dad died, but it was a new dream. He died because of his cancer. It was now. In the other dream I never knew why or what happened, it was just someone else telling me it had happened and then I woke up after beginning to cry and I always had tears in my eyes.

Today, I dreamt my dad died, but I woke up and there were no tears in my eyes. I don't remember it fully, it's not a recurring dream, at least not yet, so I've only had it once. I dreamt he died and I wasn't there with my mom and him when it happened. But I did get to see him. I remember someone explained some things to us. There was a funeral. I dreamt all of that. But I didn't cry once in my dream. And so I woke up and there were no tears with me.

Today I dreamt my dad died, but that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that feeling of emptiness I got in my dream. Not sadness, not despair, just nothing. And I don't know why I couldn't feel anything when my dad died. Maybe I knew it was just a dream. Maybe I couldn't properly process the emotions. Or maybe I was a little relieved and I was feeling that release. That is the worst part.

Today I dreamt my dad died, and I'm not sure if I felt relief in my dream. Because I already know he's going to die. It's probably gonna happen sooner rather than later. And there's nothing I can do to help him. Or my mom. Or my sister. I want to be there and at least try to make the time he has left good for him, but I don't know how. I don't know what to do or what to say. I can't do anything at all for him. Despite all that he has done for me. So will it actually feel like a relief when he's really gone, because I won't have to worry about that anymore? Or will I regret not trying even harder?

Today I dreamt my dad died. And I feel guilty that I didn't cry. I feel guilty that maybe I even felt some relief that it was all finally over. I feel guilty that it was only a dream and I still have time with him but I still can't do anything for him.

Today I dreamt my dad died. And I'm scared for when that dream might come true.

#me

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

Yesterday I told my boss I didn't think I would be able to help the department next semester because my dad's situation has gotten worse and I kinda need to be present here in case anything happens. He wished me and my family peace. It was a rather quick conversation actually. I wouldn't usually think twice about talking with someone for two minutes. But this was the first time I actually acknowledged what seem to be the present facts. That my dad might die soon.

Cancer is such an unforgiving disease. I knew that. Even when everything seems to be going well, things can take a turn for the worse incredibly quickly. I also knew that. You should not give yourself false hopes. But I wanted to enjoy this time and that time too. I wanted to have some moments still with my dad and feel like everything is fine. They tell you that the best thing you can do is just take it one day at a time and try to make the most of whatever time you get. That's a lie.

We are all going to die, but we never think it's gonna be soon. Even if you try to live like every moment should be cherished because "you never know which one could be the last", it's very different when you actually know you are close to that last moment. It's hard to enjoy the time you get when you wish you would get a million years more. Or just a few. Or maybe more than a few. Whatever, just more than what you will get, even if you don't actually know yet for certain how much it will be. 'Cause you can already tell for certain it's not gonna be enough. That you might not be able to say all the things you wanted to say. That you are not who you wish you were.

I wanted my dad to see me go abroad and thrive. I never wanted to choose between being there for his last years and postponing my life plans or going ahead but leaving my family alone. I wanted to see if my relationship with him could be different, maybe better, if I went away and spoke with him over the phone every day instead of always living with him. I wanted him to believe in my future. But I'm not sure if he does or if he ever did. I wanted him to see me actually do all that instead of just hearing me talk about it. I didn't even talk that much about it for goodness sake. I never did actually figure out how to speak more with him at all. And now it feels like it really is too late.

I had to admit yesterday that my dad might die soon and I'm still so sad about it. I don't really have anyone to speak to about any of this. My mom is a bigger mess than I am. My sister is still stuck between growing up and not wanting to deal with any responsibility, my dad's situation included. I wouldn't want to be a burden to either of them anyway. I don't have any friends close enough to actually tell them all of this.

And my dad, not only is he the one that's sick but because the fucking thing also went to his head sometimes it's really hard to know if he's still here completely. I just want him to know how much I love him, that I'm gonna miss him forever so so much and that I wish more than anything that he would just try to be as happy as he can before his time comes. That I will be fine, not because I will be fine really, but because of everything he has taught me and the amazing example he set for me.

I wish he knew already. Maybe he does. Or maybe it's not too late to still tell him. But I also dread that. Because yesterday it was only my boss that I had to admit it to. I don't think I'm ready to admit it to my dad yet, and I'm afraid I might never be.

#cancer #family

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

Today one of my best friends gifted me the key from Suzume. Like the one closers use, I guess it's what it would be. Anyway, it might be just a cheap necklace off of AliExpress (she actually showed it to me, I asked her to order one for me and said I would pay for everything because I don't know how to use AliExpress, but today when she gave it to me she said she wanted to gift it to me), but it's actually one of my favorite ever gifts I have received.

Like to me there's nothing better than when someone gives me something thoughtful or meaningful, I went to see Suzume with her and I guess she could tell how much I loved the movie. And that is what actually means a lot to me and why I love this little gift so much I'm probably gonna wear it all the time now. I'm just so happy about it.

And like this legit was my favorite part of the movie, how they use the key to kind of close the cycle for that place and what it meant to the people that used to frequent and love that place, how it's a representation of how we should know when and how to close the cycles in our own lives, how it can be a violent but also beautiful process that ultimately comes from a place of gratitude for what used to be before giving it back... I'm legit gonna use this little key as a reminder that I too should now when to move on and do it without resentment or regrets, but rather gratitude and looking forward to the next step.

Anyways, here's the key since it's actually very cute.

#suzume #me #gifts #necklace

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

Today I kinda felt like crying . Except that I'm not sure if I really wanted to cry or just thought it might make me feel better after a lot of stuff I've been dealing with recently. In any case, I couldn't do it. And I'm not sure if it's because I've become numb to my feelings, or because I'm actually just doing better at handling them and I didn't actually need to do it.

I don't really feel like I have got anything bottled up, even if I haven't really talked about my stuff with anyone other than myself, which is weird. Actually, I have for sure felt numb before and it's really hard to tell if I don't care because I'm actually not holding on to shit or because I'm just ignoring it. People always talk about self care and self improvement but there's very little actual useful advice out there on how to deal with it, all of it is mostly wishy-washy generic BS that is as useful as a fortune cookie.

But maybe I can believe I may be doing better for once. Positivity and all that, you know? I once had a best friend whom I used to tell that she should be more positive, because I used to be so positive myself. I wonder if I could go back to that? Or at least listen to my own freaking advice. I guess there's nothing to lose trying. I'm trying to remember how it actually went, what I used to tell her... I think it was just "positive mind", like whenever she wasn't sure how to deal with something or was feeling kinda down. Yeah, I think I could try that.

#self reflection #reflection #positive mind #positivity #self improvement #self care #me

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

I love my friends, I really do. But I wish I had an actual friend I could talk to. All of them always seem to be too busy and maybe it's my fault for feeling like I would be a bother if I reached out, but I wish I had someone that actually made me feel like I could just talk to them whenever I feel like I need them.

Like, it's ok to want to actually feel wanted, right? To not feel like you are a bother to speak to? Because I'm always the one reaching out, and if I don't then people are perfectly happy to just lose contact with me and that just makes me feel like they don't really care about me. I know I'm actually not wrong for feeling this way, but I also wish I didn't feel like this. I wish someone cared about me like they say they do. I'm tired of having people say shit they don't mean.

"If you ever need anything..." really is the most worthless sentence if you aren't even gonna give that person a little bit of thought from time to time. I would rather not hear it than hearing it knowing it's a lie. I hate how cynical I've become. But I also feel like I didn't have any other choice. Death by a thousand cuts and all that.

#in my feels #me #personal

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

I don't like romantic comedies. Like sure, maybe I'll watch the occasional one and it's actually not that bad, some are even good when they're funny, but I've never actually felt any sort of appeal for the romance in them. But then I discovered anime romcoms and it was a complete game changer. I love them. I really like the whole splice of life genre actually. It's just great content to watch before going to bed.

But now I'm rewatching some of the series I like and I'm actually really thinking about why I like them so much compared to actual live action romcoms and I think it's more profound than what I initially thought. Like I believed it simply came down to a cultural difference and how with the way japanese culture is the romance is usually slower, which feels more natural to me since I usually also take some time to develop feelings for someone. Now I just think these shows and movies are just better.

Like genuinely, the way they tackle emotions, the way the characters develop and talk about each other and their feelings, everything just feels like it's more profound. Or more sincere. To me those two things go hand in hand. Genuinely, the way anime does emotional struggle feels so much realistic. The way someone can fall in love so deeply yet struggle to express it properly. The way sometimes being rejected feels like the end of the world but other times it somehow becomes a motivation to keep trying. The crucial difference between those. How two completely different personalities may come together. How similar people also work perfectly fine with one another. And how being honest with yourself is the most important part of it all.

Truth is, I have kind of closed myself off. I have lost one too many times. I honestly don't think I can actually fall in love ever again. I won't let myself, I get that feeling. Not even on purpose really, just sort of by having walls so high nothing can come in or go out . But watching these shows I wonder if maybe I'm wrong. I'm not really avoiding anything on purpose, yet I feel myself becoming more aloof every day. I want to love someone. But I want to love them deeply. At the same time, I'm not sure I could do it. Being vulnerable is hard. I've done it before and all I've ever gotten is my heart kicked around. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I just wanted to ramble for a bit about how great anime romcoms are and how they're pretty much the only thing that gives me any hope of not being dead inside yet, I guess.

#anime #romcom #romantic comedy #my dress up darling #rascal does not dream of bunny girl senpai #komi san can't communicate #romantic killer #slice of life #your lie in april

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

As a physicist it's kind of a meme that I don't like engineers, but in actuality I have a lot of friends that are engineers including my very best friend. Still, it's kind of hard for me to admit this but sometimes I do feel like I very much have the mind of an engineer. Or at least one that would have had an incredibly easy time studying and working in engineering. Solving problems of that sort just seem to come naturally to me... Way more than the stuff I deal with in physics usually, at least.

And yet, I still don't think I could've actually been an engineer. And I think it's because of my heart. Not because I have the heart of a scientist, but rather because I think I have the heart of an artist. But not the mind or any of the skills that would allow me to be one. And with a mind that is adept and even enjoys math and problem solving, physics was more of an out than anything. A way to feel like I could contribute to the world instead of just being part of the machine, like my heroes from my youth who I couldn't emulate because I just wasn't that good with a guitar. A way to not just end up in an office while still making a living and having a chance to feel fulfilled.

Except that that fulfilment hasn't really been coming lately. And I know it's more to do with the world at large and my personal issues and the stuff I have had to deal with, but it still feels crappy when you can't find the same joy as before in what you used to love. But I try to remember that I do love physics, that I'm just having a hard time with life as a whole and more importantly, that physics is my out, my way to live a life I might not regret and that I still haven't found anything even remotely close anywhere else. So I'll see this through, even if right now it feels like a bit of a chore and a bore. Sometimes you have to see things through. Some things have to be worth seeing through. And I choose to believe that for me my career will be worth it. Even if right now it's harder than before.

#physics #stem #career #me #science #student #hard times #impostor syndrome

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

It just occurred to me that this is the social media platform I've been wishing I had for years. The one were I can write and no one I know will ever read it, at least not with any actual probability. I don't know why I ignored Tumblr for so long, I just kinda forgot about it as I tried other formats for blogging. I don't care about having followers or anyone reading what I write here, I just want to write it somewhere where it might be seen but not by my friends who will just tell me how concerning my 'behavior' is.

I do love my friends, the few I actually have left, but I don't think they actually care that much about me to really try to help and I'm very tired of the half assed attempts from everyone in my life that always end with "you should learn to love yourself and then other people will love you too". Lately I just take it to mean they don't love me either and I had about enough of hearing that.

I think here I can write stuff as depressing as I want and I won't have to deal with any of that, which I really like. It's not like it matters anyway. When I seriously considered killing myself it was over three years ago and not one person noticed how depressed I was back then. I even wrote about it in my blog which I have literally linked on my IG and only one of my friends ever reached out to me about it, over a year after the fact. And she doesn't talk to me anymore either, so I'm back down to zero people that actually know that about me. But oh well, ob la di ob la di as they say. I'm not really happier now, but I have learned to deal with it better.

Anyway, I guess this is my official comeback to Tumblr. I bring very little positive energy. Ok just kidding. I actually love pop culture and writing discourse, and I hope to find more of that here, since all I have so far is really YouTube. I also like to partake in mental health, world news and that sort of discussions from time to time, tho I do try to not over engage. This should be the year I get back to a healthy weight and I wanna see how much or little that does for my self esteem, so stay tuned. So far everyone here is pretty cool so I'm looking forward to spending some more time here. And also leaving behind some other social media sites, I think I've finally reached my breaking point with some of them.

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

Someone pitch this to Henry Cavill as his comedy movie where he is thrilled that this happened because he is a geek but also the dragon like sees him and believes he is some sort of hero warrior because of how massive the guy is. It would be semi autobiographical I believe.

Dragons inherently manifest when there is a certain amount of something that people see as precious. You wake up one day to find a very confused dragon in your 40K figurine room.

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]

Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life

[igetdepressedandilearnthings]