mslorelai

[mslorelai]

I don't know what the kids would call this nowadays, or how to feel about it given the event and my feelings about it.

Saturday afternoon I have a thing with a guy. I recently setup my fetlife profile again and talked to him yesterday like alllll day. He seems super sweet but I'm not entirely sure what exactly he's seeking. Im not ready for a relationship just yet. Not sure if I'll ever be, unless he is really lax and not at all Mr Red Flag. That will take time to see.

But we are meeting at a local park to just be in public and talk more. O don't know if I'm anxious bc I think he's great so far, or if it's bc I've been so lonely for the last five years that I'm craving connection with others that I didn't have with the husband. I hope I don't confuse the two. At any rate, I don't know if that is so much a date as it is a mingling situation.

I do know that I feel like I'm becoming a cuddle slut though. All I want to do lately is cuddle with someone much bigger than myself. He is 6 foot 6 to my 4 ft 11 so it definitely qualifies.

I know it's only been a couple of months, but I am allowed to think that maybe one day I'll actually find someone who isn't a lying, deceitful, insanely manipulative piece of shit that may want to chill with me. But I've never been lucky so I don't get my hopes up.

#death #love #fetish #cuddles #fetlife #dating

[mslorelai]

So I created a fetlife account tonight. I don't really know why other than I just got a bug up my ass. I miss it. Maybe it is my grief combined with rebellion. Maybe I'm just lonely and looking for like minded people. I don't Westbrook to jump in full craziness yet. I'm not ready. I may go full time again one day. For now, dipping in the toes.

#Fetish #Fetlife #grief #new normal #bd/sm kink #Hope

[mslorelai]

“The villian is in control. The villian is a mask of elegance and style behind which is a whirring and brilliant intelligence but the tricky is to make it all look easy. We never bring us sweat, we don’t get our hands dirty”, - Tom Hiddleston in Jaguar commercial. (x)

[mslorelai]

I've been back home for almost a week now. Today my brother came by with my youngest niece, and the aunts and uncle dropped in and stayed til late. I missed them all, and this was the only happy day I have had in a long time. Certainly moreso than most days I had with the husband.

Its late now, my sister and her man are in the next room playing Dr Mario, and Brownie and me are on the couch listening to music. ER is upstairs in his room. I really, truly needed today. So badly.

I was going to pop over to Rogers to visit Cody and Dee bc I miss them so much it hurts. The aunts popped by unexpectedly, and I wasnt about to leave. I hadnt seen them since before we moved to NM, and ER hadn't seen them since he was a young teenager bc of his circumstance, so I postponed with Roger.

The awfulness that was my marriage ended with fury, and sadness, and tragedy, but it lead me back to this, to family and friends. It lead me back to the nostalgic feelings that may get me into trouble, but thats okay because there is an entirely new perspective to them now. Especially with Roger. And I have ER back now, and its been wonderful and amazing getting to know my son differently, as an adult. Its wonderful to feel so proud of the awesome and incredibly zen person he has become.

My heart is full in this moment, for the first time in a while.

#nostalgia

#family

#music

#suicide

#abusive relationship

#marriage

#love

[mslorelai]

3/15/24 Saturday

Just picked up Missy from the airport, picked up the trick and came home. Second to last night in Hagerman. Can't process how to feel. Just so overwhelmed

[mslorelai]

I thought I've been doing well, all things considered of the tragedies of late. I was very wrong.

I find myself missing him just the tiniest fraction. I shouldn't, and I know that. People always say to others they are grieving to remember the good times. I can't lie and say there were none, but there were very few. The vast majority of our time spent together was spent at odds with one another. I don't know how it makes me sad in the slightest with what he did to us.

Maybe it's not him. I do feel like I'm pre-grieving the loss of my dogs. That is horrible. I can't bear the thought of giving them to anyone much less a shelter. But we are now four days from my sister being here. Less than a week from now I'll be back home. Which means they have to go elsewhere. I'm fucken gutted. I love those babies so much. They don't deserve that.

I fucking hate him for what's going on in the aftermath of his self destruction. I feel so broken and destroyed and lost like I'm drowning. So many things going horribly all at once, and so many devastating things to come just to try to recover from what he's done and left behind for me. Mentally, emotionally, monetarily, and other. Fuck him. I'm glad he's ashes. I'm glad he is with his family now bc I feel so much anger and resentment and downright hatred right now that I would have thrown him in a dumpster or scattered him in the yard for spite. Till death do us part, and that asshole opted out.

3/12/24

#death #grief #Suicide #Dogs #Pets #love #depressing shit #Depression

[mslorelai]

This gave me a warm fuzzy feeling a few moments ago. And no, I'm not allowing the self torture of reflection, and eventual overreaction.

Of all my second life submissive males, this is the one I've always felt much stronger a bond. He seeks me out continuously due years now. I cant see in myself what he thinks is amazing. However, he's quite amazing

. He's the only submissive male that I've ever been attracted to. Without further anticipation...

#bdsmkink #submisive sissy #love #Cincinnati

[mslorelai]

3/10/24

Five full days left in NM.

Ate my spaghetti dinner out back in the dirt yard, burning trash and your stuff that isn't coming with us. While it's somewhat cathartic watching it burn, I suppose as a metaphor for your own ending, I'm still riddled with anxiety for the future.

Will I have to just declare bankruptcy to get rid of the thousands of dollars of debt you left me with? Debt that I had no idea you had? Will I ever be able to afford my own small house for me and the boy? Will I be able to afford even a rental? Will I wear out my welcome at my sister's for the stay of God's know how long I'll have to be there to get my shit together?

I'm only forty fucking two. I shouldn't have a dead husband. Really I shouldnt have had an abusive, incredibly useless, asshole of a husband either I suppose, but I digress.

At any rate, once I'm out of here and with family, this goal is to also work on myself while I'm there. Hopefully find a better job. Enjoy being single again, being able to do what I want now without extreme oppression and control that he brought to our marriage.

Is it single again after a spouse dies? I know it used to be called widowed but I feel like that's an old lady concept. I don't want to be a widow, I'm only 42.

I just want my life back, which I know I'll have again. I want to have and enjoy peace and serenity and freedom. I just hate that I'll be doing it without Cody and Dee.

#Widow #grief #dealing with grief #emotional abuse #Suicide #Death

[mslorelai]

Oh but right now, all the battles matter. They are all vicious individually, and they all have to be dealt with within the next 14 days. At many massively complicared issues in such a small time.

“You only have so much emotional energy each day. Don’t fight battles that don’t matter.”

— Unknown

[mslorelai]

So to further torture myself, because I really need it, I remembered something tonight as I was eating my reheated tuna noodle casserole but the fire pit.

In the last couple of weeks before he was gone, we got into a massive fight. I can't even recall exactly why now. He was screaming at me accusing me of everything under the sun as he did when he got mad and wanted his ego stroked. Then he used that tired line he uttered so many times that was guaranteed to make me not give a shit, "just tell me that you hate me!"

After hearing it no less than ten bazillion times, that was it. I snapped. I don't recall verbatim what I yelled at him then, just that I was calm, but shrieking at the top of my lungs something like this, "That's it! I've had enough of your bullshit and I'm done. I'm this moment when I tell you I hate you, it's no exaggeration due to anger. I absolutely. Then. Thousand. Percent. Fucking. Hate. You!"

And I grabbed my keys and my phone and stormed out of the house for a long walk to cool off. That's what I did when I couldn't take his shit anymore. I'd walk, uptown usually, for a couple of hours amongst the deserted and broken down buildings. Not to sort things out in my head, but just to be able to calm down by the time I got home enough to hold a conversation. It mostly worked. I know how to keep my mouth shut.

I said this to him and a couple weeks later he tried to kill us, and then shot himself.

Do I feel slightly responsible? Yes, slightly. I didn't pull the trigger. Hell, I wasn't even here. I heard the gunshot from down the street and around the corner.

Maybe that admitted 'I hate you" was the tipping point and he stewed on it for days. Before deciding to try to choke me to death instead. Or maybe the choking was because I just pissed him off in that moment and in the time it took him to run across the hall and choke and beat on me for about five seconds made him realize that he would rather shoot me.

When we ran out the front door and away he paced the house with loaded gun in hand, repeatedly checking each room. Then he stood in the dark out front where you can't be seen until you are a few feet away. He was waiting for us to come walking around the corner to come home, and then shoot us. What he got was a sneaky cop who startled him, and then he blew off his own face to avoid jail.

#Suicide #marriage #divorce #emotional abuse #feeedom #physical abuse #survivor #mom

[mslorelai]

Welcome back, Me!

I didn't think I would ever come back for a few reasons, but look at me disappointing myself again! Currently with the status of being single again, or widowed, or whatever it's called when you lose your spouse at a young age, I have the emotional freedom and mental desire to write again. Maybe I will. Inspire me, people of tumblr! Help me get me back.

#writers on tumblr #writeblr #my writing