neurosharky

[neurosharky]

Seriously I'm looking at pics of sharks that people would find scary and I am incapable of seeing it. They look like ●○● like they would say "oop sorrey buddy" like he experienced a minor inconvenience and his response is "aaaaaaaaaah" I think everyone's lying about being scared of sharks

[neurosharky]

Thinkin about sharks

[neurosharky]

How ASPD Spaces may influence minors with CD

This post will only contain my personal opinion and experience. It does not reflect or represent the opinion of every single person with ASPD, but may likewise be relatable for people who do not have it!

Please keep in mind that this is merely an education piece and seeks to highlight certain experiences & things one should maybe pay attention to. It is not a manual to act after, nor does it have the intention to exclude minors with CD from ASPD spaces!

Abbreviations:

ASPD = Antisocial Personality Disorder

CD = Conduct Disorder

ASPD spaces exist on most social media platforms in some sort of way. This may include textposts on tumblr, pictures and reels on instagram, short videos on tiktok, servers on discord and other things.

In a lot of these spaces you will find adults educating about their condition, sharing their daily life, connecting with each other, or advocating against the stigma.

What you will also find in these spaces usually, are minors with conduct disorder. Which makes sense, since the presence of conduct disorder typa behaviour prior to the age of 15, is a diagnostic requirement for ASPD! About 20-40% (different sources have different numbers) of people with CD later go on and develop ASPD and often those people have already been recognized with "callous-unemotional traits" or "a lack of prosocial emotions" and the like.

These minors with CD may turn towards the ASPD spaces for multiple reasons:

• The similarity in experience creating a sense of community & feeling less alone

• Some advice, ressources and the like are applicable to both CD and ASPD

• Wanting advice on how to proceed towards an ASPD diagnosis once they're old enough/whether they should do that in the first place

• Believing that this is inevitably going to be their reality & community, thus wanting to be there as early as possible

• etc.

The fact that minors with CD frequent ASPD spaces is not inherently a problem, nor do I think that they should stop doing that entirely! I do have a few concerns though, as I technically speaking was a minor with CD in ASPD spaces once and would like to point some things out, that I think are important to look out for:

1. Not every ASPDer that posts their experience, is recovery oriented and should be used as a "role model". There are a lot of people in this community that are strictly anti recovery and will promote harmful narratives and behaviours. While everyone obviously (mostly) gets to post whatever they want, since the internet is a pretty free place, especially minors with CD (tho this also goes for adults with ASPD and everyone else tbh) should make sure to be careful with their content consumption! The "wrong" role models can be really harmful for your own journey, as they may promote harmful behaviour and thus may intensify your symptoms!

2. On that same note, spending a lot of time around a specific group of people, may cause you to subconciously mirror their behaviour. This means that you may (knowingly or not) try to be more like said people/group, may suppress your actual self & variation of traits and try to conform to what you see, so you can be a part of it. Its an entirely normal human mechanism, but can be quite detrimental to your mental health if you're not careful. As a minor with CD in ASPD spaces, this means that you gotta be careful that you do not get roped into behaviours or movements, that would be detrimental. Spotting this isn't always easy, so caution is important!

3. The presence of the "CD prior to the age of 15" criteria point also leads to some people believing that everyone with conduct disorder inherently develops ASPD, which is not true! Some people go on and develop other PDs, some simply stay with conduct disorder and again others recover from their CD without developing anything else, which is probably the ideal case. Early intervention, intervention in teenage years and the like can prevent you from ever developing ASPD! And this may be a controversial opinion, but: that will only work if you haven't gotten attached to the idea of having ASPD yet. Intervention only works if you want it to and if you are deadset on believing you'll have ASPD anyways, the intervention may fail and you may indeed end up developing it. You have to be careful that being in these spaces early, does not cause you to give up your chances.

To sum it up: ASPD spaces can negatively influence minors with CD. Being in these spaces early and especially being around the "wrong" voices early can compromise your recovery and can be a reason you end up going into this direction with your behaviour. The teenage years are an important developmental stage and having the "right" voices teach you emotional skills & social behaviour can be the thing that prevents you from ever having to suffer with a PD.

So please keep that in mind! Be careful which ASPDers you look up to, be careful what behaviour you promote, be careful what you think is going to be your "inevitable future". These spaces hold power and they especially hold power over those who may not have anywhere else to really turn to & feel understood by.

And just to clarify it again:

• I am not saying that you can't be in those spaces if you're a minor with CD and I am not saying that its always harmful! I am just saying that the people you surround yourself with, the content you consume and the things you get exposed to, can have an influence on the way you develop & your recovery.

• I am also not saying that ASPDers who aren't recovery oriented have no right to exist in these spaces! What you post and where you are is your own decision, I can't & don't want to dictate that. I simply think that especially minors with CD need to be aware of what they consume and what effects that may have on them.

• Recovery in this case is btw. defined as "working on managing symptoms/traits" and "harm reduction". I am not referring to a total absence of symptoms/traits, or a cure or whatever. So anti recovery refers to people who promote harm and have no interest in minimizing the damage they do & sometimes also the ones who use it as an excuse instead of an explanation.

All that being said, there are of course also a few positive influences ASPD spaces can have on minors with CD:

• giving them a sense of hope that even if they end up developing it, there are ways to deal with it

• having helpful posts and advice for the things that both conditions equally struggle with

• teaching skills that end up helping the kids/teens with CD to not develop ASPD

• helping them find a safe way to access help & a diagnosis

• showing them that they have a chance to grow older & potentially be happier

• getting trough to them about which behaviours are harmful and could use some work

• educating them about the stigma so they are prepared for what is maybe going to come & learn how to deal with the stigma they are already exposed to

• calling out myths, misinformation and inaccurate generalizations

• etc.

first posted on my instagram account (same @)

#actually aspd #aspd #mental health #mental health education #antisocial personality disorder #aspd awareness #antisocial #aspd feels #aspd thoughts #aspd things #aspd tag #aspd safe #aspd stigma #conduct disorder #aspd spaces #mental heath awareness #mental heath support

[neurosharky]

I love you people who show kindness because "it's what you're supposed to do". I love you people who show kindess because they like being thanked. I love you people who show kindness because it makes them feel good. I love you people who show kindness because they were shown kindness first. I love you people who show kindness for "selfish" reasons. I love you people who show kindness for the "wrong" reasons. I love you people who show kindness in a body that rejects the very notion. Your kindness is not any lesser because of its motivations. The good you added to the world is just as valuable as someone doing it for the "right" reasons. Your effort is seen. Your effort is valued.

[neurosharky]

I hate how people are only okay with my disorders when I'm masking. I tell them that I have low empathy, even to people close to me, and they say it's okay. But then I show no empathy towards them, and they get mad. I tell them that it's very hard to bring myself to care about most things, and they say that it's okay. And then I don't care about them, and they get mad. I tell them that I don't understand social norms, and they say it's okay. And then I misinterpret something they do or show my aversion to it and how silly I find it, and they get mad. People only like me when I'm masking. I wish I could be myself.

[neurosharky]

Is it common for aspd to present without a huge amount of impulsivity or outward aggression?

Its not really easy to figure out how "common" a certain combination of traits is, as thats a very hard thing to measure. So I can't give you a definite answer for that!

We can however speculate that it might indeed be a thing that has to exist a little more often, as impulsivity and aggression are just two of the seven criteria points. Next to that the impulsivity criteria also has the alternative presentation of a "failure to plan ahead", meaning that in order to meet the criteria point you don't necessarily need to be specifically impulsive, but could also just struggle to plan ahead for situation/carreer/etc.

So yk I'd say theres gotta be a few people around who aren't impulsive or outwardly aggressive! And then there has to be a few people who are, but do not present that way all the time, cus they mask it.

Thats just my guess tho.

#actually aspd #aspd #mental health #asks open #send asks #ask

[neurosharky]

Do you have to not care what people think to have aspd?

Nope! A lack of care for what people think of you, is not a listed criteria point in the normal DSM-5 criteria. The revised version mentions some things that hint at it, but even there you could meet a diagnosis even while you do care! + Theres like differences between emotional care and "caring" cognitively (aka doing something about it cus u know its beneficial, influencing public opinion of you to save reputation, knowing its just "the right thing to do" etc.)

That being said, due to the indifference to a lot of things, muted emotions and the like that are associated with and often reported by people with ASPD, its a common shared experience to not care about what people think. Whether that applies to every person, just strangers, just a few specific people etc. differs depending on the person of course!

All you need in order to have ASPD is:

• meet the crlteria for general personality disorder

• be at least 18 years of age

• meet 3 out of the 7 DSM-5 criteria points

• symptoms not solely being caused by another condition

• having shown evidence of conduct disorder behaviour prior to age 15

• the symptoms fucking with your ability to function/disabling you in some way aka you can't participate in life to the degree others can and/or they cause you personal pain/suffering and the like

#actually aspd #aspd #asks open #send asks #asks

[neurosharky]

Being at Your Worst Leaves its Marks

This post will only contain my personal opinion and experience. It may not be applicable to other people who have the same conditions as me and may likewise be relatable to people who have different ones.

I am not really sure how to start this post, so I guess let me warn you that there will be mentions of deep depression, unaliving thoughts/intents (insta doesnt like the s word), psychosis, paranoia, trauma, death, violence and whatever else falls under it tbh. This is not a happy post...I think...

I am not aiming for pity, nor am I trying to encourage people to do/believe any of the following, or discourage people from recovery! This is an educational piece and a chance for me to once again practise honesty, vulnerability and maybe shed light onto something rarely discussed, cus its just too personal.

Its been 8 years since I hit my personal first rock bottom. 8 years since I ran away from home for the day, because I didn't have the strength to just talk. I needed to create a situation in which I was forced to admit it, forced to talk about it. I couldn't do it on my own. Recently we visited that place again, that parking lot where I told my parents in tears, that I did not want to be alive.

Its still the exact same parking lot as it was and even though I am a changed person now, seeing that place again reminded me of things I had wanted to forget. It reminded me of scars that aren't visible, of marks you'll never be able to lay your eyes on.

That moment has stayed with me and I don't doubt that it will continue to do so. I will never forget how scared I was when I finally took my parents call after having ignored it for hours on end, but I will also never forget how relieved I was when I finally told them that I wanted to d*e and my mother threw her arms around me and I felt loved and seen for the first time in ages.

Its been 8 years since I had my first contact with the psychiatric industry in my country. 8 years since my first encounter with a therapist, who I told about my violent thoughts, my delusional beliefs, the situation at home, my feelings of being unloved & unseen, my mission and what I had been planning to do.

She medically recognized me with conduct disorder and gave me an ASPD prognosis, which is something I, today, am not happy about. I wish she had looked at me as someone who could still be fixed and wasn't doomed to develop that condition, because ultimately it influenced me negatively and is part of why I do fit it today. She was in the position to tell me that I wasn't a lost cause and she did the exact opposite.

I still don't hate her though, because despite her being the cause of one of my biggest "what if" scenario spirals, she never, not once told me I was an evil monster or a bad person. She was non judgemental when it mattered, she didn't forcibly admit me even when she could have done it easily, but instead gave me the power to choose my own path. That, I will forever remain thankful for, even if I am unhappy about the way my case was handled overall. I still can't help but wonder: what if?

Its been 8 years since I stood in front of my classmates declaring that the government is controlling us, that they are all sheep and that I am the only one who understands what is really going on, but that that also is the reason why the government is out to get me. 8 years since I was so undeniably convinced that I was not human, as I was so much better than them, and thought I had been given the mission to save humanity or eradicate it.

I must have seemed absolutely insane and looney to my classmates, while I was spouting those beliefs, while also telling them explicitly about the fate that was awaiting them by my hand, namely: "death". I am still surprised that no one ever reported me to the teachers, but I guess they just never took me seriously and instead encouraged me to end it all, or just come and end them, so I'd be arrested.

To this day I am cautious about any type of literature about school sh*otings, nonhumanity, governmental control and the like, just as I am careful about political ideology. I know what it did to me, I can still remember every single moment and I am scared of what it could do to me again in the wrong circumstances. It has left a mark. A glaring one.

Its been 8 years since a lot of the most traumatizing and bad shit of my life happened and in those 8 years there has rarely been a moment, where it has not affected my life in some way. Not a single moment, where it has truly left me alone, because those things have scarred the inside of me.

Hitting rock bottom, having to be honest about whats going on, being confronted with choices that I didn't know were going to significantly shape my future and having to live with the things that happened, because I did in fact survive that period? Theres no words that'll ever describe how hard that is.

I am not angry that I chose to work on myself.

I don't regret getting better and telling people.

I don't yearn for how things used to be.

Well most of the time at least.

But what I did really want to talk about is this: No matter how much I recover, no matter how well I get, there will always be marks and scars, that I can't forget.

I'll forever have to be careful around politics, media and the like, because I know how easy I am triggered and lose myself in the wrong things. No amount of recovery will erase that danger completely and no amount of recovery will take away the anxiety I have regarding this.

I'll forever have to live with the choices I made, the things I claimed and the thoughts I had and most especially the consequences this had on how people viewed me. No amount of recovery is gonna get rid of the past and no amount of recovery will erase the knowledge, that some people out there have the power to ruin my life, if they went public with the things I did, to the wrong people at the wrong time. They could tear me apart and portray me as the villain, because I was (even if non maliciously sometimes) and I am scared of it, cause I really really don't want to be that villain anymore.

I'll forever remember the places and times where significant things happened. I can't go to a McDonalds without remembering that evening in the parking lot. I can't walk by my old house without remembering the countless fights. I can't walk by my old school without remembering the worst days. No amount of recovery will take those memories away and no amount of recovery will erase what those moments have done. I know that the effect of those memories will lessen and that I get to choose how I look at them, but they'll always define me. And while that isn't necessarily a bad thing, I really do dislike that sometimes.

As mentioned in the beginning, I am not aiming to discourage you from recovery! Rather I want to give a kinda realistic picture of what life, pre rock bottom, could look like for many people.

Its a weird sort of situation when you have changed a lot,

have worked trough loads of things and are so much better off overall, but still have to live your daily life with the knowledge of what once was and what could be again.

I never intended to be here at this point yk? I wasn't supposed to still be here. But I am and I got to a point where I am also just kinda glad I am? Which however, and this is very important to me, doesn't mean I am not still traumatized and scarred. I am, heavily so! Those things still haunt me and maybe they will forever, cause I don't know if you can truly get rid of marks that deep! But yk what? I kinda think I am really beautiful with marks and scars like that and I decided that I am not gonna let them stop me from being happy.

(first posted on my instagram (same @)

#mental health education #actually aspd #mental health #aspd awareness #mental heath awareness #recovery efforts #recovery #psychiatric system #psychosis awareness #delusional

[neurosharky]

i find it so unfair that i cant do all the science. like what do you MEAN I can't study bio and chem and biochem and atrophysics and physics and geology and climate science. what do you MEAN i have a limited lifespan and need to get out of school at some point to get a job. i want to collect the science fields like pokemon, this isn't fair

[neurosharky]

Happy Stardew 1.6 to those who celebrate

[neurosharky]

The Parts of ASPD That You Don't See

This post will only contain my personal experience and opinion. It may not be applicable to every other person with ASPD and may likewise be relatable for people who do not have it.

This post aims to educate, provide insight and contribute to the diversity of ASPD experiences. It is not gonna try to excuse any harmful actions/beliefs, nor does it want to encourage others to imitate those.

Once again, this is just my own experience and does not speak for the whole community, nor is it a reflection of my actual current actions or how good of a person I am.

Abbreviations:

ASPD = Antisocial Personality Disorder

In my time as a mental health (and specifically ASPD) educator on instagram I have published a total of 65 ASPD themed posts and have written countless answers to peoples questions and rambles on my story and in my direct messages.

If you would read most of that, you would have a pretty good understanding of my ASPD symptoms and ways this condition affects me, but you would still be missing quite a bunch of things.

So this my attempt at showing you some things I have not talked about (at all or much) yet, in order to contribute to more accurate representation, as well as practising vulnerability:

1. Whenever I am confronted with someones suffering, misery, hurt, etc. my first thought is not kind or pleasant. Even if that person is my friend, my family member, or someone suffering from something I equally suffer from. My first thought will always be mean, insulting and full of blame towards the other person. In my head I will scream at you to be less sensitive, that its all your fault, that I wish you'd stop whining and bother someone else with it. If I do not feel like engaging with it at all, my next few thoughts will be equally mean and I will rationalize not having to help you or engage with you, until it looks like the most logical way for me to proceed.

2. If I do feel like engaging with someone who is suffering, or if I have to, in order to socialize, make friends, keep friends, etc. it takes a lot of effort and work for me to do it right. You will never see that effort and work, you will never be able to appreciate it and for that I despise you, even if its not your fault or responsibility. It makes me irrationally angry if people do not thank me properly for doing the bare minimum and do not appreciate me helping them, being kind and being a good friend. Being kind, for me, is keeping my ASPD at bay, like a rabid dog on a chain and doing the exact opposite of what my brain is telling me to do. I have to choose to do that every single day in every single moment, every single interaction, time and time again, while desiring a level of appreciation for it, that no one can ever fulfill. This makes it even harder to choose kindness again, because it does not give me what I yearn for, yet I do it, because at least I'll get something in return, even if it will never be enough.

3. I am not always able to handle my money responsibly. If you would leave me alone in a casino and I would start playing a game, I would not stop until I lose everything, because I already cannot stop myself from doing that in online games with game currency. Next to that I am incapable of stopping myself from buying something once I decided I want it. If I want something, I'll get it and I'll bad talk everything else, just so I get what I want. I can rationalize any purchase, so I actively have to avoid things where I know I couldn't control myself, as well as constantly remind myself that luxury isn't needed, even tho thats all I desire. ASPDs impulsivity, irresponsibility and the disregard for everything else, make it hard to keep myself in check and I despise not being in control of myself. On top of that it makes me irrationally angry to see people criticize the lifestyle I wanna have, despite knowing that they're theoretically right about the base thought.

4. I am angry at myself for being scared of things, for being incredibly soft at times, for needing a specific level of care, for needing help, for not being able to live entirely independently, for not having been more careful with my choices years ago, for having let people hurt me, for still being affected by my trauma, etc. In short I am angry with myself, for not actually being that cold ruthless genius my ASPD tried to make me. I feel as if I failed my own brain & by extension myself, by not even properly becoming what it wanted me to be. My brain tried to protect me and I couldn't even let it do that, because I just had to be a soft little baby and cling to certain parts of my childhood & personality. Part of this hatred is internalized ableism, but part of it is also just an inability to accept, that its okay to be like this now, because there is no longer a threat I need to be protected from and even if there was, I can do it on my own now.

5. Being in recovery and having moved on from some of my more harmful behaviours, beliefs and views, as well as being a little more responsible & knowledgable about social rules, also means, that I now get to look back on my childhood, teens and early adulthood and get to see all of the mistakes I made, that I previously could not see. I get to see all of the bad decisions, all of the ways in which I may have permanently harmed people and in their eyes I will forever be that person. I can't feel sorry for what I've done, I can't have emotional empathy with them, but I can still wish I had not done those things & fuck I wish I hadn't. I hate that for most of the people who have ever known me, I will be the villain in their story and I hate that if any of them were to ever publicly call me out, they would never be able to understand why I did what I did, how much I have changed and that none of it was ever personal (as well as that some things where I broke social rules were never even intentional). It partially terrifies me and partially makes me me wish I had known better (next to wishing I had never been damaged enough to do it in the first place).

6. It makes you feel so far removed from being human, when you just cannot do what everyone else does. I wish I could form deep bonds, I wish I could cry more, I wish I was emotionally moved by sad scenes & people passing, I wish I could love deeply, I wish I could be really passionately involved in fandoms, I wish I could feel happiness for others, I wish I could experience deep levels of guilt & shame so I know what its like to feel remorse...I just really wish I could be that deeply connected with other beings around me. I know its not always fun, I know its exhausting and I know it hurts and on most days I am glad I don't have to go trough that, but on some days I just crave being that level of human and wish I knew what its truly like, because no description will ever suffice. I know that I am still human, even if I have ASPD, but it just doesn't feel the same when you don't have access to a huge majority of the human social features, that are supposed to define us. Its lonely, its othering and it just sucks, even tho I can appreciate my brain trying to protect me.

That was just six things and I am running out of space, so heres an incomplete bullet point list with little to no explanation:

• the constant fight between survival & what it could be like if I truly tried to thrive

• receiving disgusted or weird looks in every conversation, because you are just so obviously different when you socialize and switching between being angry about it & terrified by it

• having way too many "well that could have hurt/k*lled me" moments, because little danger awareness & care for urself

• denying yourself parts of life, because your brain thinks they make you "weak" or you said you didn't care about them and now you can't let people see you care, because you know they'll make fun of it/you, which is why you developed a no care attitude in the first place

• people describing people like you as lazy, immature, not deserving of good things etc. and having that fuck with your progress, self esteem & identity

• knowing that people will always believe others over you, because you are the lying manipulating cunning guy, even when you tell the truth & knowing you can't do shit about it

first posted on my insta account (same @)

#actually aspd #aspd #mental health education #antisocial personality disorder #mental health #antisocial #aspd awareness #aspd feels #aspd thoughts #aspd safe #aspd stigma #aspd tag #aspd traits #aspd things #aspd mood #mental heath awareness

[neurosharky]

How far do you have to go? - ASPD Recovery

This post will only contain my personal opinion and experience. It may not be applicable to other people with ASPD and may likewise be relatable for people who do not have it. This discussion is for educational purposes only and is not something you need to agree with, just something that might be beneficial to think about and reflect on.

Abbreviations:

ASPD = Antisocial Personality Disorder

ASPD is a really complicated condition to talk about, as many people have extreme opinions about it, have only heard about it in the context of stigma, or are absolutely not ready to see it in the context of a disability, that the person having it is negatively impacted by and cannot change entirely.

The number one thing that people like to tell me is that I should go to therapy (which I do and am open about doing) instead of trying to normalize this condition on here and that the only "good" ASPDers are the recovered ones.

That got me thinking and I asked myself: What does a recovered ASPDer look like? How far do I have to go in order to be what you'd call recovered? How much of my symptoms and struggles am I allowed to have and at which point does it cross a line? What can I put under the category of "I simply cannot do that because I have a disability" and what do I really need to somehow learn to do?

While I'll not be able to answer all of these questions in detail, as the space in an instagram post is not particularly huge, I do want to try to talk about this a little:

ASPD recovery is deeply personal and individual. Which symptoms one should work on and how far this work goes, does not have a general definition or collective aggreement. There are people in this world that think you should never show any signs of aggression, there are people who think showing them is okay as long as you don't hurt people, there are people who think hurting people is okay as long as you apologize after and theres people who say that simply showing symptoms and hurting people with them is the okay thing to do.

For every ASPD symptom there are millions of opinions as to what is okay and what the end goal should be, which is why I will not be able to give you a definite list of therapy goals to aim for. There is no inherent all applicable correct solution for this, it is individual!

This also means that there is never truly going to be a "recovered ASPDer" in the eyes of other people and that no matter what my recovery looks like, there will always be someone who tells me I need to take it further.

While I can try to appease all of their wishes, there is a baseline of ASPD symptoms and characteristics, that I cannot get rid off. I cannot learn emotional empathy, I cannot have the same level of emotions as those considered "normal", I cannot learn to feel remorse, I cannot rewire my own brain, it is stuck that way and will always be.

I can however work on how I treat other people, I can be honest about my symptoms and warn people about what will happen so they dont take it personally, I can unlearn some ASPD related views & beliefs, I can try and use my symptoms for good, I can ask people to be my moral guides or impulse control, I can have someone look over my text messages and emails before I send them to make sure they are polite, I can learn to apologize quicker and in a way that works for me, I can learn to find healthy outlets for my aggression, I can place myself under supervision so I don't break the law, I can find my own definitions for bonds and figure out how relationships may work for me, I can find situations in which I can give away control so the things that I usually don't do will get done etc.

There are many things that I can do in order to reduce the harm I cause with my symptoms and for me, thats what recovery is. I don't believe in ever being able to live without causing any harm, as some people will simply be "harmed" by me having a differently wired brain. I don't believe that I'll ever be able to get rid of my symptoms enough to not meet criteria, as ASPD does disable me a lot and many things are influenced by other disabilities to a degree that will never let me be a picture perfect example of a "recovered ASPDer".

In short: I draw a line between "this is my disability that I can't change and if you interact with me, this is what you consensually & knowingly are interacting with" and "this is behaviour influenced by my disability that I can change and try to control so it does not cause harm and that is what I am responsible for".

I do this with entirely selfish intentions and not always successfully, but I do it. I reduce harm that way, I contribute less negativity to the world and people feel good around me, which in turn causes them to be nice to me, so everbody wins.

I am not aiming to be like a non ASPDer. I am not aiming for an existence without my symptoms, because thats impossible. I am simply practising harm reduction and am aiming to get what I want from this life and what will make me happy. If people can't deal with me like this, thats chill, but also their problem and not mine! I'll not force them to be around me, but if they decide to be, they will have to accept my disability. Thats how far I'll go, because thats what is realistic for me and that is good enough.

first posted on my insta account (same @)

#actually aspd #aspd #mental health education #antisocial personality disorder #mental health #antisocial #aspd awareness #aspd thoughts #aspd feels #aspd things #aspd positivity #aspd safe #aspd mood #recovery #recovery efforts #mental heath awareness

[neurosharky]

Hey!!! Just wanna say, I love the work you're doing for the ASPD community. Really cool dude keep being awesome :)

Thank you!! I absolutely plan on staying awesome 😌

#asks open #send asks #asks

[neurosharky]

Top ten shark facts? 🦈

I mean I don't rly rank shark facts, so heres just ten random ones:

1. Lemon sharks have a buddy system, where they will stick to another shark for higher chances of survival. They swim so closely to each other sometimes, that it looks as if they're holding hands...or rather fins.

2. Great white sharks can change the color of their upper body half to better match the surrounding water aka they're capable of camouflaging themselves!

3. Hammerheads are amazing at finding prey, due to the hammer having a bigger amount of ampullae of lorenzini (tiny organs that can detect electromagnetic fields). They swerve their hammer left and right to scan the area and can detect stuff like stingrays even when they are buried in the sand.

4. The waters around Australia have the biggest variety in shark species! If you want to encounter loads of different ones, thats the place to go! Theres said to be over 150 species there!

5. Sharks have the ability to remember and recognize humans. They respond positively cuddly to divers that have helped them before and Cristina Zenato (the women thats known for removing hooks from sharks) has described experiences where the shark will lie in her lap and let her remove the hook peacefully, because it knows she will help. This speaks a lot for their intelligence.

6. There are shark species that are capable of biofluorescence (absorbing & the reemitting light) and bioluminescense (producing the light themselves). An example for the first one would be shy swell sharks and an example for the latter are kitefin sharks.

7. Tiger sharks are known as the garbage cans of the ocean, because they are capable of eating absolutely everything. Not only do they have super strong jaws & teeth, but their stomachs are actually highly acidic and have barely any problems breaking down the weirdest things.

8. The dark shyshark gets the second half of its name due to its reaction when threatend. It actually curls up and puts its tail over its eyes!

9. The cookiecutter shark actually cuts cookie shaped holes into its prey and usually does that while the prey is still moving, kinda like a snack to go. They also are known for biting into submarines.

10. The hierarchy between different shark species in an area is not always just determined by size or strength. The amount of time the shark has spend there and how familiar it is with the environment, plays a role as well! Some researchers observed a big shark making place for the smaller ones, because it was still new to the area.

(All facts stem from documentaries, scientific papers or the pages of professional divers. I do however not guarantee that they are definitely correct, or haven't been disproven since)

#sharks #shark thoughts #shark facts #marine biology #marine life #marine animals #shark #great white shark #tiger shark #hammerhead #lemon shark #cookiecutter shark #dark shyshark

[neurosharky]

An Open Letter to the ASPD community

Hi,

So I've been asked to comment on a little issue, that I absolutely agree needs adressing, and I thought that an open letter format might be the best way of doing it! It allows for a bit more freedom with wordings, because this is just my personal letter to the community and not me trying to speak for everyone.

I've been one of the first few accounts that started talking about ASPD here on instagram (and was actively involved on twitter and tumblr before that), so I've been part of the community for a pretty long time and have seen it grow and change a lot! We have overall been able to make a pretty substantial amount of people aware of the stigma that we face, have shown them a lot of different examples as to why we developed our condition and continue to broaden the diversity of the ASPD experience.

But just like with any community, we have some internal issues, that yes sometimes we do actually have to adress and then reflect on!

These issues aren't instagram specific and I actually see them less on instagram than in other places like the ASPD subreddits, tiktok and tumblr, but as I have indeed been receiving DMs with this type of stuff ever since I started here, I do want to use my presence on this platform to adress it!

These mentioned DMs usually consist of a stranger telling me, that I cannot have ASPD, because I do not fit their personal idea of what ASPD looks like. They tell me its because I am too soft, because my aesthetic is too cute, because I love stuffed animals, because I care about sharks, because I experience some emotions intensely, because I am in recovery, because I talk positively about my family, or because I struggle with things that "real people with ASPD" would not struggle with.

I'll be entirely honest with you: its tiring and also a little confusing to me, because is this not what we are trying to do on here? To make people with ASPD seem more like humans than monsters? To educate about the symptoms & dangers yes, but to also point out that next to that we are people living our everyday lifes, just like everyone else?

Are we not trying to fight against the stigma painting us as inherently emotionless evil criminals? Are we not trying to bring more awareness to the diversity of how ASPD can present itself in someone? Are we not trying to teach society, that certain traits do not mean we are inherently something and to understand that we are capable of being their friends, partners, neighbours and parents?

I confess myself confused, because I thought we had moved past this ridiculous belief, that everyone with ASPD has as many emotions as a brick and that we only have two destined life paths: gang boss or prison inhabitant. Do you not feel ridiculous when you preach you are a human being capable of living life, just to turn around and tell someone who is doing exactly that, that they can't have ASPD?

Do you not realize that you are judging them based on the same ableist beliefs you have been judged under all your life? Because if you do not realize that, oh boy, do I get you, oh boy do I understand you, because I did not either. I spend such a large amount of my life thinking that I had to be that monster everyone saw in me, that I had no chance at an actually nice life, that I was destined to just rot in prison and be the thing everyone hates. I denied myself my dreams, my emotions, my hobbies, my true beliefs and personality leanings, heck I denied myself certain versions of my future, because I thought that I could not be that. That it was impossible for people with ASPD to be in happy relationships, to study at university, to have a favourite animal that means the world to them, to rekindle their relationship to their family...

And isn't that sad? Isn't it sad how I thought that I had to deny myself happiness, just because that is what societies stigma tried to tell me? I think that it is quite sad actually and I kinda hate that so many people with ASPD still seem to be caught up in that. I mean I haven't shaken it entirely, thats for sure! I still despise showing weakness and having to admit to it! I still have internalized stuff to work trough! But do you know what I'm not doing?

I am not going around telling others that they can't be happy. I am not going around telling others that them being in recovery & living their lifes means they don't have ASPD or that they misrepresent the community. I am not trying to shame them back into their bad habits. I am not trying to make them feel so insecure about their diagnosis, that they fall back into their old patterns. Because I know better now.

I know that people with ASPD can be the cutest softest animal loving people.

I know that they can be in healthy relationships and friendships.

I know that they can have hobbies, a career and a family.

I know that they can feel emotions, some of them really intense, others maybe not so much.

I know that no person with ASPD is the exact same as the other.

I know that they can choose recovery & be sucessfull in it.

And I know that my own dislike for "weakness" and my own discomfort with the sides of myself that I have been taught to despise, are not an excuse to make other people feel bad about themselves & take that dislike/discomfort out on them.

Theres just one question that remains: Do you know that as well and if yes, are you ready to act like it?

~ Liam 🦈

Out of letter end note:

Trying to insist that people with ASPD have to adhere to the descriptions that you connect to them & telling them that they cannot ever change, is discouraging them from recovery.

Telling people with ASPD, that they cannot have emotions, is directly ignoring the DSM criteria point that recognizes aggressive outbursts, as well as ignoring the literal emotional erractic cluster it is in (aka Cluster B).

Claiming that a trauma based condition dictates your interests, what colors & animals you are allowed to like, your personality traits outside of your condition, which aesthetic you have to have on social media and what type of clothes you are allowed to wear is frankly so ridiculous, that I don't even know what to say.

You are not immune to internalized ableism & making people feel unsafe in the community. You do not personally have to like the things they do, but being shitty to them about it, just because its what you internalized is not the way to go.

First posted on my instagram (same @)

#actually aspd #aspd #mental health education #antisocial personality disorder #mental health #antisocial #aspd awareness #aspd feels #aspd thoughts #aspd things #aspd safe #aspd stigma #soft aesthetic #being soft #internalized ableism #reddit #instagram #twitter #tumblr

[neurosharky]

ASPD: The Desire for and Run from Intimacy

This post will only contain my personal opinion and experience. It may not be applicable to all other people with ASPD and may likewise be relatable to people who do not have it.

I am only going to be talking about emotional intimacy, but this post is definitely also applicable to the other type of intimacy!

I'll make myself pretty vulnerable in this post, by discussing my personal experience, so you better not make me regret that!

Abbreviations:

ASPD = Antisocial Personality Disorder

ASPD is a disability caused by prolonged childhood trauma (with many possible variations), that develops in order to protect the brain from said trauma, or rather to help the brain deal with it in some way!

While the consequences of this in the context of intimacy, look different for every person with ASPD, many do report: a difficulty with developing bonds, having problems trusting people & giving away control, losing feelings for people quickly and abruptly/getting "bored" of people, responding extremely to arguments, having problems dealing with peoples emotions/ problems with being close to people etc.

This may be due to a variety of factors, but does often tie back to having no or few positive experiences with intimacy, having not learned how to exist in relationships properly/a lack of being socialized, not having the necessary prosocial emotions and mechanisms to deal with it and other similar things.

While this causes some people with ASPD to develop a brain, that does not have a need for emotional intimacy at all, others develop a brain, that craves the emotional intimacy it has been denied, but which will also fight said intimacy at every turn.

Thats as much generalized info as I can give you, as the exact representation of this is highly individual, but I will offer my personal experience on the following slides!

What you need to know is that I was accidentally neglected for huge parts of my childhood and teens and did not get my emotional and social needs met most of the time, while also knowing that my parents were theoretically capable of that, as they were giving everything I lacked to my sibling.

This caused me to grow up with a burning desire for intimacy, while being disappointed by people time and time again, failing to actually develop the things needed to experience this intimacy and partially growing to resent it and viewing it as "weak" and "bad".

Ever since then I have been stuck in what I like to call the "ASPD stages of running". Theres different points in getting close to people (in any nature of a relationship), that'll send me running and feeling like I am "weak" for wanting it, or as if being close to people is the worst thing that could happen.

The stages (simply put) are:

1. Desiring/Daydreaming about my dream relationship

2. Looking at peoples relationships/Looking at people with the intent of getting closer to them

3. Talking to people (online or irl)

4. Getting closer / being friends with people

5. Being friends with people for longer

Optionally:

6. Getting so close that a romantic relationship may happen

7. The moment of getting in the relationship / the days after

8. Being in the relationship for a bit

At any of those stages, I'll very likely have one or multiple moments where my ASPD will try to get the better of me and will try to convince me to just run away, drop contact and never talk about it again. Even just admitting to this and talking about it is hard as fuck, because it is so deeply ingrained in my brain to see emotional intimacy as a weak and dangerous thing.

What this will look like exactly really depends on the person and situation, but things that have happened in the past were:

• blocking the person and everyone I am friends with and pretending I am no longer alive

• my brain fixating on their faults in order to give me a good reason to hate them so I don't get closer to them and can hold them at arms length

• responding less often/more dryly or ignoring messages entirely

• not replicating the energy of the conversation/relationship

• staging an incident so I ruin the relationship

• running at the first signs of a disagreement

• avoiding people when they are emotional

• feeling uncomfortable around people as a whole => isolating

• beating myself up about letting it happen again

• impulsively bumping the relationship to another stage, just to immediately regret it (in a "fuck that has consequences" way)

• shutting off all my emotions, dissociate or otherwise make sure to stop the feelings (or just lose them automatically)

To put it in a shorter and more simple way, I'll usually either get the fuck outta there, or make sure to change the relationship/my personal position in the relationship to a more comfortable and less vulnerable and intimate level. This may also just look like me shutting off, becoming distant, or seeming mad, when all I am is overwhelmed by the intimacy and grossed out that I actually need and desire that.

As you can possibly imagine, that is not the most useful thing, as it causes issues in relationships, cuts friendships short and makes dealing with people a lot harder!

The most frustrating thing about this for me though is, that even if the most perfect friend or partner came along and even if the relationship would work at first, I am very very likely to crash it against the wall, simply because my brain cannot handle having the things, that it needs and desires.

It desires a hug and runs from the one who offers it.

It needs help and bites the hand that does.

It needs love and gets grossed out by whoever offers it.

It wants attention and can't handle it when it gets it.

It wants gifts, but doesnt know what to do when it gets them.

Whatever it wants, it can't have, so it keeps wanting, keeps yearning, keeps desiring and has to watch itself be unable to accept any of it.

And if that sounds painful, thats because it is.

Its a vicious kind of pain when you have to watch yourself ruin yet another thing, because your brain can't handle it, while you scream at it in frustration to get its act together, because it also is everything you desperately need.

ASPD sucks when it comes to intimacy and it especially sucks when it comes to talking about it, or being honest about these problems. It developed to protect me from being too "weak" to deal with the trauma and now its practically preventing me from showing any "weakness" or seeking out what previously hurt me. Which wouldn't be this bad, if I didn't still have this kid in me that just wants to be loved and daydreams about all the things, the ASPD hates.

When your shell disagrees with your core and you're not strong enough yet to break your shell, what does that really leave you with, other than curling up into a spiky ball and letting the shell do its job? I know I still need the protection, but I wish it wasn't actively preventing me from learning to live without it.

First posted on my instagram (same @)

#actually aspd #aspd #mental health education #antisocial personality disorder #mental health #antisocial #aspd awareness #aspd feels #aspd thoughts #aspd things #aspd mood #intimacy

[neurosharky]

hi liam!! stumbled across your blog. got very excited coz i follow your insta :3

hellooo :D always funny to see people finding me on different platforms! I am not too active here, but I do post every now and then 😌

#asks open #ask #asks #send asks