sellestiel - Tumblr blog

sellestiel

Raised from Peridition

An amalgam of fandoms with an overwhelming presence of Supernatural. Sherlock. Doctor Who. Marvel. Mika.

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sellestiel · 9 years

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there’s just nobody else like him in popular music right now. his cuts are insanely danceable, bursting with bright electro beats, but his subject matter is anything but light: S T R O M A E (who sings only in French) tackles AIDS, cancer, shitty fathers and other topics usually reserved for emo or country. it’s sad, contemplative music that you can’t help but dance to—and that stretches beyond its medium. (x)

#stromae #je t'adore

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sellestiel · 9 years

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1.23.15

i feel like i never go on tumblr anymore and i don't have very many followers and my posts have just become things i post for myself so i can go through my page later and smile

i'm procrastinating

because i'm shit at talking about myself

but today, a few minutes ago, i felt such

helplessness

despair

and i kind of knew why, but i didn't really know why

i was at a party, and the feeling of people and being caged in and people looming over me got to be too much so i decided to leave early. i felt a little bad because i had meant to stay afterwards and help clean up but it got to be too much and i left. but on the way back, i kind of meandered and didn't make it very far and just sat down and thought

and thought and thought

and an hour passed and it was freezing cold but i didn't really feel it and people passed by me and i didn't really notice. it was nice, calming, relaxing- just sitting there thinking, not thinking. but then a heard a lot of people and suddenly the last people from the party (including some of the officers) walked by and they noticed me and i didn't acknowledge them but i could hear them whispering and suddenly they weren't loud anymore and i heard them say my name and they walked away and i felt like such shit

and

i'm not sure why

i am embarrassed that they saw me like that but it's more

why was i like that

it's everything piled on top of everything

the fucking mountain of problems i have at home, the dread i feel every time my phone rings and i see my mom's name, how i just can't talk to people anymore, how i don't give a shit about anything but i care too much about everything

about feeling like i don't belong, that i'm not wanted when i know that's stupid and untrue

and all of a sudden it got so cold and i was shivering so violently and i wanted to cry and i tried to stop myself but then i thought to myself, who the hell is going to see, anyway, so i cried but there were no tears and it was just me shaking and feeling so helpless

wanting to cry and not being able to but not wanting to cry and wondering what the hell is wrong with me

and eventually i just muttered "it's fine" to myself, an endless stream of those two words until they melded together and didn't even seem like words, just a convoluted mantra pouring out of my mouth and i felt like i was going crazy and people were looking at me and thinking i was a crazy person but what's wrong with that

what's wrong with that

and i feel like i can't tell anybody this and when i try there are no words and all that comes out is "it's fine" and that's all i can say and it's become my mantra that has no meaning so i guess this is where i'll come to dump my thoughts

i feel better now

or maybe i don't

i don't know how i feel. but i don't feel worse.

i don't know if that's good enough

#personal #word dump

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sellestiel · 9 years

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i just realized

crackers are called crackers

because

they