#( meta. ) i don't want your pockets to get too heavy.

[widaugast]

META & HEADCANON:  CALEB, ESSEK, AND AGE.

        Generally, I tend to stick with canon in regards to most things, and in light of some recent conversations  ---  I believe on "Four-Sided Dive," though those only further what was stated in the final episodes of the campaign itself  ---  it is worth both noting and repeating that Caleb and Essek do not (necessarily) stay romantically together forever.  They live together, as life permits, but due to differences between elven and human aging, they may eventually part the romantic side of their relationship on good terms between the pair of them.

        Their relationship continues to be queer, but it simply moves from something more easily defined as romantic, to something a bit more different  ---  it is neither good nor bad, but to Caleb's mind, something that was bound to happen.  They are different men with different lifespans, and no amount of magic can change the effects and desires that may change in one's life, nor what Caleb feels is good for the both of them that he can and will speak to Essek about as time moves forward.

        Likely, I believe Caleb begins to separate things romantically  (considerately, kindly)  once his becoming an "old man" is more imminent, and by the end of the Mighty Nein's recorded adventures, there's still plenty of time for their romance to have developed, blossomed, and eventually changed.  Caleb is in his early-mid thirties by campaign's end, and that gives him, in a relatively average human lifespan, decades of romantic love before he starts to feel that change is inevitable, and that's not even counting what Essek himself might begin to want to change, as well.  This does not discount their relationship, nor make it any less queer.  If anything, I think a continued (not necessarily) romantic relationship of mutual care as Caleb ages, and as both of their needs change and move, is very queer  ---  just not in the traditional "romantic endings only" sense.

        I have yet to write any threads that far in the future, but I'll be taking this all into fold of my own canon here:  Caleb and Essek, by Caleb's death, were romantic partners, but aren't the same kind by the end.  That makes things no less beautiful, rich, loving, queer, or anything else:  it's just another piece of what makes this relationship unique and fitting for the both of them.

(EDIT: of course, all of this is malleable depending on ship partners as well, and individual portrayals! I can see a few ways of things moving with time, and am writing this as much to work through Caleb's rationale as-stated as to work on my own thoughts, which may well change with time as post-canon is especially wiggly.)

#( queerplatonic isn't quite the right word but... in the neighborhood by the end and also something ineffable ) #( they will likely always care for each other but the way that care is displayed and created changes and that's okay! ) #( meta. ) i don't want your pockets to get too heavy. #( headcanon. ) a wave of memories come flooding to you. #( caleb + essek. ) the difference between you and i is thinner than a razor.

[dashielldeveron]

anon from mid december here! god i love winning. ANYWAY much to observe. i love the through lines of government assigned chapstick flavours and the defining moment that makes the soulmate connection work in every chapter. i love that immediately after posting you cited your sources on tenkos characterisation. very funny very charming and you are very right. i adore the mcs vibes she knows so much about so many things with a 50/50 chance of it being useful and she’s MESSY and she’s FIGURING IT OUT and her relationship with tenko teaches her to give herself grace. they’re just so sweet on each other it brings me endless delight as does touyas lil cameos. he’s a dirtbag and he’s a comedian and hes warmed up to the ducks and i want to put him and his fucking HOOVES in my pocket. i’m sure i will return with more thoughts at some point but for now. very delicious to me. WAIT NEW THOUGHT THE FUCKING INVENTORY KEY THING WAS AN EXAMPLE OF THE SOULMATE CONNECTION GOD YOURE GOOD. AND THE GOGGLES sorry i’m re reading the chapter as i type this

ASLDKJFA;SDFJKL;A YOU GET IT!!!!!

oh my god the DUCKS. i needed someone to notice the ducks oh my GOD. he BUILT them a HOUSE in his little art project garden he has a duck for SOME reason in dnd what a LOSER. like he's bonded so hard with them he wanted a fictional one, too!!! like. imagine touya just carrying a duck around in a purse like a small dog. both of them v v v judgy. enemies to lovers duck edition

lololololol "government assigned chapstick flavours" you canNOT tell me that these very kissable boys are only using, if any at all, generic unflavoured chapstick lol. it is STUPID how long i've had "post-canon tomura wears burt's bees tropical pineapple chapstick bc he specifically wants something that Tastes Good" stuck in my head; i'm so glad it's finally in fic and that you've been keeping track asdjfkl;

and yeah i wanted to reblog the shigaraki meta that i'd been considering!!!! bc while i was rereading the manga for this route, i realised that everyone, from police to heroes to villains to students, just make Large Assumptions about shigaraki, and they just Say Things about him. and everyone around them just takes it as fact??? it's like. we the audience are being told things about shigaraki, but they don't match up at all with how we see him act. i am hoping that this is intentional on hori's part, esp. with how heavy-handed shig commentary has been by other characters in the last few chapters, to make the point of "midoriya is the only one who's ever Looked and shigaraki and Perceived." bc, like, AFO and the pro heroes objectify/dehumanise tomura but in different ways. i worry. but so much of what we're shown of shig just doesn't match up with what characters say about him!!! it's odd. i really like him, despite being Told That He Is an Object, specifically one of destruction.

goddddd reader in this route is messy and i have a lot of compassion for her. i think she should allow herself to get angry more often. but i think that gifted kid burnout and basically moving back into your parents' house and people judging your "bad" life decisions even though they can't Know what you're going through--it's a touchy subject, tinged with shame and confusion and insecurity of identity, and tomura, i think, is experiencing his own flavour of that, since he doesn't get to be the Greatest Evil VIllain version of himself that he had in his head for so long and now is Just Some Guy. i didn't want reader to have a saviour complex but i wanted her to Care So Hard, and i hope that came across, esp. since her caring so hard also works with her own insecurities.

also yessssssssss YESSSSSS the KEY the GOGGLES it was there in front of them the whole time!!!!! but they weren't looking for it!!!! bc when soulmate bonds are words and marks, who the fuck is gonna be looking for a soulmate bond in just some weird triviality????? lolololol i talk about wanting to handle tomura with care but gave him the silliest soulmate bond thing. i like how useless it is, because it's, like, tomura doesn't need to be useful rn, either.

godddddd i'm so glad you sent me an ask so i could talk about thissssssss. i'm SO fucking glad that you're noticing details like this and having fun with them!!!!! i am, too!!!!! i love tomura and you and i hope you are having a good 2024 so far!!!! xx.

#dash it all

[starzie]

I wish I could talk about my stories more, but I'm just too secretive.

Been thinking about it lately because I'm feeling inspired to work on them.

I have about six stories; The first five used to be one story, that I kept changing and reworking until it kept getting divided. Been working on that since I was 16. Had to come up with working titles for all of them, to keep my files sorted. Let's see:

Oni Story

Shadow in Red

Madness

Ivy Vines

? (this one is blank I don't remember why)

Rearrange each first letter, and you get MISO. Whenever I write scenes that are use more than one story/world, I call it the MISO AU I really need to write the actual stories....

The original story that each one stems from, took place in three different times: The Backstory; The Journey; And The Epilogue. The plot revolved around the "main character", (Avasa), going missing in a pocket dimension. The Backstory was about how she got there; The journey involved her various friends and loved ones trying to find her, and befriending each other in the process; The Epilogue, they did find her, and now she has to live in a changed world.

Back then I really didn't know how to write for it. The character sheets, writing, and actual comic were always three different things too.

So I kept simplifying it, changing things around, and going in different directions until I ended up with so many different stories.

Ivy Vines, although an anthology, would be the closest one to the original story; Only it's about following the main character into the pocket dimension.

But the protagonist from Madness, (Bayla), is the most similar to Avasa.

edit: I just started talking about my stories from here lol

Madness is a romance series, about a starseer, Bayla, often hired for divinations. Although she's a(n unofficial) matchmaker, any romance of her own is doomed to tragically fail. Usually from the same things.

A little comic I made a while ago for fun ;p Small crossover, since Scarlett is there

Oni Story, is an adventure comic about two vagabond Oni, Joshua and Damien. Damien, the blue oni, suffering from amnesia, has forgotten his birthplace and family name. With the help of Joshua, the red oni, the two set out to find answers. (Haven't been working on this one lately, because it requires research on Japan-- Which I just haven't had time to do--)

Drawing from 2016. I had these characters for a while

Shadow in Red follows our protagonist, Scarlett (Himura), as she navigates her various relationships, while being haunted by a cursed mask. A supernatural action series with heavy drama.

I've been working on this series the most. The drawing on the pink paper, I did last week. Plus some concept art, for the mask villain. If you squint your eyes, the face changes. Scary

So that's all the stories that stemmed from the one I wrote when I was 16. None are finished, but I'm working on them. At a snail's pace 🐌

But! Aside from that, I'm also working on a new story, that has nothing to do with the other ones. Shoot. I've been working on it since the inital lockdowns. So about 3 years now.

My sixth story is called:

6. 3lone Prompt*: *Pronounced However

In 3lone Prompt, our protagonist is a clone of The Original Sorceress. Her body, made out of the remains of her body. She is, and is not The Original Sorceress. Our protagonist has no name of her own, but goes by [6], (Pronounce it however you want).

[6] encounters remnants of The Sorceress's past she must resolve; While unraveling the mystery that is The Original Sorceress's life story.

Collected a few sketches/doodles of [6] and cleaned them up. She has an ocean theme.

Oof. Didn't think I'd take this long to make this post. Finally at the thing I wanna talk about

3lone Prompt was largely inspired by RPG video games, in a meta sense

What do you do when you finish the story? All the bosses are beaten, peace is brought to the land-- What if someone else opens your file to play it? This someone has never played the game before, doesn't get a lot of what is being referenced; But can sort of piece it together. What if it was you but you forgot everything

(Was thinking about this the other day.) Around 2007, I played Pokémon Pearl, and finished it. I loved the game a lot, so even when the story was over, I explored the areas again. And again. One thing that stood out was the villain's headquarters. It's in Veilstone City, and the grunts still curse your name whenever you show up. You can climb the floors, and use the teleporters, but you really have no business being there anymore.

There's something really quiet about that kind of setting. You have everything you need, to travel wherever you want to go, but nothing you must do. Almost like a forgotten world. The story's over but the music still plays

For 3lone Prompt, I tried to build on that thought. (But it's not literally a video game, just a high fantasy setting.) The story focuses on past lives, and what could have occurred during.

In this meta sense, [6] would have "spawned" near the end game, with all the items. Meaning she has all The Sorceress's abilities; but no idea how to use them. She doesn't even know what her main objective is.

Can she piece together the clues? Let us find out!

#starzoc #starzie #my art #my stories #writing #talking aboot my art #long post #like really long this is your warning before you click read more

[talentforlying]

@asteritm: ❛  deal with that . . . or i will.  ❜ — WYNONNA EARP STARTERS

' i've got it. oi, look at me. '

it's not how they talk to each other, ( at least not casually, ) fucking orders and ultimatums, but he knows better than to take it personal: she's crackling at the edges, the heat of her biceps against his palms just shy of unpleasant as he keeps her — not still, but dormant, at least for the moment. yeah, words fucking hurt, and the smug, wannabe-big-shot haruspexes still chortling away behind him had meta-scried their way into landing a couple unintentionally heavy hits — with some nasty terminology, besides — but it's not worth killing people over. not worth lilly losing herself. not worth risking unwanted attention.

' look at me, lilly. ' he waits until her eyes slide back to his, spirals of energy that always make him want to catch his breath or kiss her, then squeezes her arms, fixing up a crooked smile that's equal parts reassuring and cocky. it says, as she's seen it say a hundred times, you should trust me, because i'm pretty. ' i've got it. '

when he's sure she's backing down, when he's positive she won't come back swinging, he turns on his heel, and he settles. not like a house, creaky and tired and finding rest in the give of floor and foundation; not like easing back into an armchair. this settling is that of patience, of lying in wait — the cold, dead eyes of an alligator lingering above the still surface of murky water. a plastic mask laid over the empty sockets of a real skull. a hellblazer.

not that they notice it, the fucking idiots. they see six foot of gangly with hair slipping its gel casing and a punchable face, in an old blue suit that was nice, once, and is now thinning at the seams. hands in his coat pockets like he's on a sunday stroll and a friendly smile; the kind of aging fop you expect having a word with to be either timid requests for peace or toothless blustering.

because that's what he wants them to see.

and when he steps out at an angle to the streetlight they're all loitering under and his eyes shine solid white like glinting coins, they see that too. when he wants them to see his shadow warp and stretch and claw itself across the pavement to swallow theirs, they see that too. when the wind picks up and whips the hats off their heads, flings litter down the street, rattles car windows and makes fire escapes groan and creak, howls like the damned are ascending from the sewer grates, but everything about him is as still and unmoving as a painting? yeah. they see that, too.

because that's what he wants them to see.

' 'ello boys. ' there's nothing crooked about this smile, there's something downright fucking broken, and he can see the millisecond that they recoil and feel the shards underfoot. nowhere to run. nowhere to hide. smoke billowing out from beneath the swish of his coat like a furnace, oily and writhing and alive. there are faces in that smoke, too, familiar to them in stomach-dropping ways that slip the greasy fingers of dread up around their hearts and squeeze: loved ones, dead ones, people they've harmed. people they regret. accusing, knowing faces. they swarm around his, leave him glowing like a flashlight held under the chin on a dark and stormy night: like the reaper at the end of days. ' let's have us a chinwag about how to treat a lady, shall we? '

the nearest member of the pack has a head and a half on him, minimum, and pinprick yellow eyes you only get from deals with things you don't ever give your name to. doesn't matter. when he sees himself in john's eyes, he's a speck, less than a molecule in the wankstain of the universe, and he's falling. there won't even be a stain when he lands. he knows that in the depths of his soul, and so does john. only difference is, john finds it funny.

' have a seat. it's story time. '

they sit. of course they do. they have to.

a couple incisive insults aren't worth killing people over, that's true. but he's a man of simple pleasures — he's always been content to make them piss themselves, instead. and the nightmares? well.

that just helps them remember the lesson.

#asteritm #gracie i need you to look me in the eye and ask if i'm capable of writing less than a novel for you #the answer is absolutely not and who are we kidding #anyway remember when i talked about him getting fucking terrifying for her? yeah. YEAH #he's SUPER normal about her #( V. ) STEPS FROM THE SHADOWS. ( i. ) #( r. lilly constantine. ) TO MY LOVER I'D NEVER LIE / SHE SAID BE TRUE I SWEAR I'LL TRY. #( answered. ) THIS IS JOHN CONSTANTINE. FUCK OFF.

[sixstepsaway]

Thank you for posting all the song recs you get. It's definitely helped me round out my Izzy Hands playlist. It was starting to get a little heavy on the jilted lover and revenge country side. My current favorite song that makes me think of Izzy is Things that break by Miranda Lambert especially after Con was all he wants to be better. Also I'm glad for all you meta. It's very well thought out and much appreciated.

Nonnie, when this message came in it made me so happy. It also made me feel bad because I hadn't posted all the other songs I'd had recently! I've nearly caught up now, so I hope you can enjoy going through the tag.

As for your song:

I was born a bull in a china cabinet Drawn to the delicate like it's a magnet Perfume bottles on a mirror tray Tempered glass on a window pane Timeless face on a pocket watch Time is ticking

I leave it all in ruins Cause I don't know what I'm doing I'm hard on things that matter Hold a heart so tight it shatters So I stay away from things that break

Can't make a man a promise with the best of intentions Or drive 200 miles on a rundown engine Put a blanket underneath a hollow tree When the wind blows hard it will fall on me Stick around long enough and you will see Time is ticking

I leave it all in ruins Cause I don't know what I'm doing I'm hard on things that matter Hold a heart so tight it shatters So I stay away from things that break

Me I don't ever wanna get too close Or be held responsible For all the pain that you can't see Somebody once broke me

I leave it all in ruins Cause I don't know what I'm doing I'm hard on things that matter Hold a heart so tight it shatters So I stay away from things that break

Immediately in love with the ✨ vibes ✨ when the track started and they got no less immaculate as time went by. Ugh. This song is gorgeous. I love it. Thank you so much for sending it.

But also:

especially after Con was all he wants to be better

you really just came in here and said this to me and made me feel things huh

#jess' taxation policy #music #izzy hands #ofmd #ask #anonymous

[bluboothalassophile]

Hello. I'm sorry, please bear with me, I'm not going to make any sense , as I find it hard to put my thought on to paper. I love your blog. You made me fall in love with Jason and raven. I would have never thought of them together. I'm a sucker for Jason with the kids. I kinda wanted to put in a request but now can't think of any. Anyway I love your writhing and always look forward to when you write something new. Thank you. (Sorry if it's just a bunch of words that don't make sense)

Hello,

You’re thoughts are very well articulated and I’m so happy to hear you enjoy my blog! I know you didn’t put in a request, take your time on that, drop it off when you’re ready and I’ll work on it. In the mean time, you said you like Jason and Kids, and have fallen in love with JayRae so…

Here’s a snippet of an Untitled Hopes for a Bastard story and I hope you enjoy! =)

SPOILERS FOR HOPES FOR A BASTARD AHEAD!!!

Nothingbut a Ghost…

13 Years Earlier…

Hazel eyes watched from above as the spare took place.

The kid had black hair, a white streak, gangly, scrawnyteen, fifteen at most. He was small, under weight and size for sure. Theycalled him Shabh, he was good, a fast learner, vicious little fucker though.

The opponent for the kid today was the American, anAmerican, with blonde hair, blue eyes, brutish features. He was bigger thanShabh, though the boys were roughly the same age he guessed. The Americanthough was a meta, with full use of his brain, enhanced agility, speed,strength, and a healing factor. The American was proving to be the biggestasset from H.I.V.E., but the American was a brute and familiar.

The American was also the best of the apprentices they had,but today he felt would be a true test for the American.

The Demon’s Head had favored the American.

However, the Daughter of the Demon was favoring Shabh.

He glared down at the pit assessing the boys.

“What are you thinking Tiger?” a voice as him which had himglancing over his shoulder at the Dark Archer, who stared listlessly at thepit, there was a devoid of emotion in the Dark Archer. Bronze Tiger sat perchedjust a little ways off.

“American,” he answered. Shabh, for all his skill would nothave the strength or endurance to fight the American. This match would provenothing but what he and the rest of the League of Assassins knew, the Daughterof the Demon was too sentimental. The practical pick was the American, for theboy was stronger, faster, bigger and better.

~~~*~*~*~~~

His hair flopped in his eyes, and he stared across the wayat the American and he felt the familiar, heavy weight of the sword in hishand. The heat was mercilessly beating down on them, and he felt sweat rollingdown his temple as he stared at the other teen. The other teen looked like abrute, way older than he was, about the age of a college freshman which had hiseyes narrowing.

This was Ra’s’ champion.

He could see the appeal, guy was a warrior, and dangerous,and arrogant. The American smiled cruelly, and winds gusted, picking up thedirt.

The American moved, he got a proper hold on the katanna he’dbeen given. The American moved first, closing the distance, he charged to.Metal clanged, and he was hit by the full force of the guy. He went for speedas they rushed each other. His opponent was skilled but showy, he moved justfor killing, no show.

Twisting around he slammed his elbow into the guy’s side andknocked him back a bit and bought himself some breathing room. rushing hisopponent, he snarled a bit as he leapt up, metal clanged as they fought, hetwisted through the air. He landed and twisted as he felt the harsh air slashthrough his hair. There was a slash, he felt the blood the searing pain fromthe slash, as he narrowly evaded the sword for his head. He twisted and ran abit to get some distance between them and the American leapt over him. Henarrowly evaded the sword going for his head as he blocked, defense was hisgame. The American went for his feet which had him scrambling to keep his balancewhen he kicked dirt into the man’s eyes, knocking him back with his knee andlunging with a snarl.

The world took a green haze as he attacked without mercythen.

The blonde stumbled beneath the force of his assault when therewas a loud crack and he gasped as he was knocked sideways and off his feet intothe wall, his ribs were singing. He blearily glared up at a tall middle easternman with hazel eyes.

“Let me finish it!” the American snarled as he came at him,he tried to lunge for the blond but he couldn’t breathe!

“That is enough,” the man who had broken up the fight spoke.

“Yes,” he heard Talia said. “Take him to the healers, I willdeal with him.”

Firm hands hoisted him up and he shoved her off him as hestumbled on his own, there was a blood thirsty fury in him demanding he killthem all, but suddenly the world went black as he felt a sharp prick on hisneck before he collapsed.

~~~*~*~*~~~

Groggily he opened his eyes in his quarters as he winced,moving to sit up he saw Talia sitting at the edge of his bed glaring at him.

“You lost control,” she snapped.

“I was winning!” he growled. Suddenly there was a sharpstinging in his check as a loud smack filled his room. He looked up at her andglared.

“Losing control of the Pit to gain a victory is not winning,it is Suicide!” she snapped. “And you will learn control your you will be putdown.”

“Really? After all the trouble you went through to bring meto life again,” he sneered.

“You are nothing if you cannot control it! It will drownyou, and consume you! Get control!” she hissed before she stormed out and hefell back on his bed. Well… FUCK.

~~~*~*~*~~~

It was hours later when he was wandering the halls, lookingfor an escape, his hood up, his knuckles wrapped, the bruises from today werehealing on their own, and the world had a slightly green tint to his mind. Or atleast he thought it did.

He looked over his shoulder when a sound had his eartwitching, and he shoved his hands in his pockets as he ran a fingerreassuringly over the blade. A startled gasp escaped him as he tripped oversomething that he hadn’t remembered being in his path before he went crashingto the ground and there was an ungodly scream piercing the air. Covering hisears he begged for it to stop as there was this heated rage beneath his skinwhich had him wanting to howl in agony. Slowly pulling himself to his knees hesnatched the thing which was screaming to calm it and himself down.

“Shhh…” he cooed in the small ear as he ran his fingersthrough thick black hair and he felt the tiny form relaxing. “I got you,nothing bad will ever happen to you,” he promised as he pleaded with the kid tostop crying.

At those words the crying ceased, and he peered at the kidin his arms, he looked familiar and severe with those wide, icy blue-emeraldgreen (in no way hazel would be the appropriate way to describe these eyes).The toddler patted his cheek and smiled.

“Hafid!” Hands snatched the kid away from him and a sharpkick had his world going black as he slumped back against the wall.

“Stay away from that monster, he is beneath you!” was thelast thing he heard.

~~~*~*~*~~~

Present Day…

“Miss O’Mara says I’m the smartest in the class!” Terrygrinned as he sat on the passenger’s seat.

“Is that so?” Jason mused. He’d been stuck on kid duty forhis visit, so that meant taking Terry and Damian to school, as Helena was sickshe wasn’t going in today, and Matt was too young for school right now. Damian gloweredin the back seat, the kid being the classic moody teen; Jason was finding thatfunny as fuck.

“Yeah! I even get to go to the zoo! Daddy said so! I did sogood!”

“No shit, you’re a regular genius Terry,” Jason ruffled thekid’s hair.

“Yeah! Oh, did you and Rae make up yet!?”

“Queen and I aren’t fighting,” Jason sighed tiredly.

“Then why she dating this Jeri guy?” Terry demanded.

“Because Jason is a moron!” Damian muttered sourly.

“Because she and I were never together, and she is free todate whomever she pleases,” Jason countered.

“Jay big idiot,” Terry said twisting around to tell Damian that,and Jason groaned at Damian’s superior smirk. For the love of God someone getit through these people’s heads that a guy and girl could be friends!

“He is.”

“See, I smart, if I was big I’d marry Rae Rae!” Terrydecided.

“Oh, would you now jailbait?” Jason mused dryly.

“Yeah! She pretty, she smart, she fun, she cool, Raeperfect! Why aren’t you married!?” Terry demanded.

“Because maybe that’s my business and not yours, duck!” Jasongrinned maliciously at Terry, Damian rolled his eyes. Finally! Silence, he thought as he pulled up to the school and gotout to let Terry and Damian out. Terry clambered out, hugged his waist and ran forthe school and his friends.

“Terry is right, you are an imbecile,” Damian said gettingout of the car.

“Talk to me when you actually get a date,” Jason warned hislittle brother.

“You have been an imbecile for years about this! Now she’sdating a Wilson!” Damian grumbled.

“Hey, shorty, did you ever to stop to think that maybe sheand I don’t want to date and are happy being friends?” Jason asked coldly. Hisyounger brother rolled his eyes and stalked off which had Jason prayingdesperately for patience. He sucked at the good big brother act.

Driving home he got out of the Audi as he walked to thekitchen. The Raven and him thing was fine as it was, and Joseph Wilson treatedRaven like a Queen as far as he knew (and since he had stalked them on dates hewould know!). And if Joseph Wilson broke Raven’s heart then he, Harley, Ivy,and Victor would all be lined up to kick Joe’s ass into the grave. However,Terry, Helena, Mar'i, Lian, and even Matt thinking that he was dating ormarried to Raven wasn’t helping! Lian had kicked Joseph’s shins the other daywhen Joe had shown up to talk to him about getting Raven a gift.

He looked up when Bruce walked in, a crying Matt on hisshoulder.

“Terry and the Demon Spawn are at school,” Jason said as hewalked to the fridge and pulled out orange juice for Matt.

“Duke is coming home for the weekend,” Bruce said tiredly.

“He must be liking Princeton,” Jason said, he kept the envyout of his voice. That was a lifetime ago, and shit happened.

“The funny thing is the dean thought you were her studentthere once, Jason Peters,” Bruce said.

“Do I look like I could get into Princeton?” Jason grinned roguishlyand made a sippy-cup of juice for Matt who looked ready to cry with his unhappiness.

“Jason,” Bruce started.

“Could you get the Duck, and the Demon Spawn to STOPthinking I’m married to Raven, please?” Jason said changing the topic. He hearda set of footsteps coming, and pour another sippy-cup of juice for Helena.

“And what brought that on?” Bruce asked, his amusement clearand Jason glared at his dad as he caught the riot of curls that was HelenaWayne and hoisted her up to his hip.

“Because Terry asked if Raven and I were done fighting and Idon’t remember Rae or I being in a fight,” Jason sighed. “Besides, she’sallowed to date,” he pointed out.

“I don’t think I should get in the middle of this,” Brucesaid.

“Why the fuck not!?” Jason sputtered. Bruce got in themiddle of everything else! Why not an actual problem like this!?

“Because, Terry is right, as is Damian,” Bruce said.

“There is nothing between Raven and me,” Jason defended.There wasn’t! she was the best friend he’d had for years now.

“I saw the aftermath Jason,” Bruce said tiredly.

“Doesn’t prove anything,” he stated haughtily.

“Jason…” Bruce sighed.

“We Are Not Dating, Nor Will We Be Dating!” He growled. Hewasn’t fucking up everything he had with Raven for this to go sideways. Andbesides, if she knew everything about him she’d run as far and as fast away asshe could. They all would.

“Jason, don’t live to regret never acting,” Bruce said.

“You’re just saying that because you danced around marryingSelina for thirty years,” Jason sneered.

“Yes. That’s part of it,” Bruce said. “The other reason is Idon’t want you to be like me, and I don’t want you to have regrets!”

“Regret what? Not fucking up my best relationship because Idon’t act on a possible, unconfirmed attraction to her, or acting on it andfucking it up beyond repair; because I’m King of Fuck Ups B,” Jason snapped. Hedidn’t want to fuck up Raven and his thing.

“Jason,” Bruce sighed.

“Talk to the kids, please!” He said tiredly. Someone get them to stop this, someone get thefamily to stop shoving something that wasn’t there on him. He wasn’t fucking uphis friendship with Raven when she was literally the best damn thing he had inhis life.

“Don’t do something you’ll regret.”

“Oh, I’m not regretting this, I’d rather have a friend thana lover,” he assured Bruce. He just didn’t want to lose his best friend.

~~~*~*~*~~~

He watched them from afar, he watched them carefully as heassessed his options.

The League was destroyed.

His father dead.

His revenge squandered.

His leader dead.

And it was all because of Shabh, he would enact his revenge.He would finally show who was better, and he would rebuild the League ofAssassins with it’s true purpose.

But first he’d have to draw Shabh from the shadows…

He watched the pretty little woman on Jericho’s arm as shetalked levelly to the blond. The streets were tranquil.

He’d seen the woman before, with Shabh, and he had seenShabh’s great care for the woman. He could use that to get a ghost to come outto play.

He could finally show who was better! And the world wouldknow, once he had beheaded the infamous Red Hood for them to see. They wouldall see. He was not second best, he was the best.

#bluboothalassophile #spoilers #hopes for a bastard spoilers #fanfic #one shot #jason todd #terry mcginnis #damian wayne #bruce wayne #helena wayne #matt mcginnis #raven #joseph wilson #jerirae #jayrae

[widaugast]

        Tag refresh:  character-related tags.

#( character study. ) i looked in the mirror and i was on fire. #aes. #( headcanon. ) a wave of memories come flooding to you. #music. #( meta. ) i don't want your pockets to get too heavy. #tag drop ii.

[widaugast]

        WITH MY BIG META POST DONE (FOR NOW), A SPARKNOTES VERSION OF THE LIFE OF CALEB WIDOGAST, POST-CANON.

Caleb and Beauregard work together with the Cobalt Soul to expose, uproot, and dismantle the Assembly within the Empire over many years. It is dirty, nasty work, but they are more known for saving those hundreds of thousands of possible lives than anything in Aeor.

Eventually, when the Nein notice the old book is gone, Caleb will tell them what it was. Slowly, quietly, when it feels right. But they will know.

Among all the Nein’s overlapping adventures, it takes Caleb and Essek awhile to find a place to settle brick-and-mortar, and even then, they adventure together often, even more often with the rest of the Nein or having been called by one or two and happy to answer it.

Their house, whenever and wherever it is made, has an enchanted compass that shows wherever Fjord and Jester will next make port, just in case.

Caleb does teach at Veth’s summer camp, but he focuses on teaching with a consciousness of his students’ ages, and what is truly needed for protection vs. what is truly needed to destroy. His classes fill quickly, and the first spell any of his students: the first unofficial, Luc Brenatto age 10, learns, is Dancing Lights, to never be afraid of the dark... and to always know they can stay up reading and never lose their sight of their goals and hearts.

If Essek so chooses, Caleb will let him wander, but as long as they both choose, they are together. There is never exactly a formal announcement to the Nein, and likely no ceremony unless there is serious cajoling involved, but everyone knows by the hand-holds and the whispers, the warmth and that one time they woke up to find Essek still meditating with Caleb’s head in his lap and a purring (mortal) cat curled halfway between Caleb’s messy hair and Essek’s thigh, that the pair love each other deeply, and truly.

Over time, Caleb does rebuild that school, and Essek is the first to be offered to teach, should it be safe and he wish as much. Caleb teaches transmutation, and is known as much for being occasionally dry and rambling as he is known for having been arrested last week... and actually two weeks before that... and that diatribes against the Crown aren’t a bug, they’re a feature.

The first cat is one Jester tried to stow away, but Fjord’s allergies were too bad. Caleb trains it much the way he remembers training the first Frumpkin, as a child, though none of the cats throughout the rest of his life ever bear that name again.

There are visits to Blumenthal, yearly and then every few years, pattering slowly, when Caleb simply speaks to his parents rather than burying them. But eventually, he knows... in an odd, faithless way, that they can probably sort of “hear” him anyway. He feels they would be proud, after many, many years, of what he has done. Of what he could still yet do.

Caleb and Essek never adopt formally, but are godparents to any of the Nein’s children that should occur if there are any and should they be asked. When pestered, Caleb will insist his students, especially Luc should he continue in his mother’s footsteps, are.

Veth gets magic lessons whenever she damn well pleases.

It becomes a tradition for Caleb to give Beauregard yearly new notebooks from even weirder places from his and Essek’s adventures. Always blank, but always a little weird.

*Depending on the Essek, and subject to change, Caleb lives his full human lifespan as long as he may. If serious discussion should ever happen about living as long as each other, as long as some of their friends may, the two use Widogast’s Transmogrification to each become half-elves by the other’s fashioning, and meet in the middle. They live, that way, about as long as Beau and Yasha, but Caduceus will still outlive them all. They will all be buried by his loving hands.

#( meta. ) i don't want your pockets to get too heavy. #( headcanon. ) a wave of memories come flooding to you. #cr spoilers #( post. ) we have time.

[widaugast]

        TRUE TO HIS WORD, IT DOES TAKE TIME.  Caleb Widogast, unknown like many of the Nein to be one of those who took down the monstrosity of Cognouza in tha Astral Sea, will not be known as such, outside very few and very quiet circles, for many, many years.  He does not mind it that way.  He has buried his letters, the ones he has kept for eleven years, but slowly, slowly, he will perhaps tell the Nein what they were, the moment they notice a new book in the holster on his hip that is not a spellbook.  He tells Beauregard first, or Yasha, then Veth, Essek, and the others over time.  As it feels natural.  As it feels true for such a private thing to be simply spoken of, and such a quiet mourning to begin to walk forward.

        TRUE TO HIS HEART, IT DOES TAKE TIME.  Time to help Beauregard, once she is ready and when she is ready between her time with Yasha and the others, and when they are all together, to make and plan their case against the Cerberus Assembly, and to tear it limb from prosecuted, diseased limb.  Much like that day long ago in an inn with a runaway monk and someone he'd never known as anyone but a goblin, Caleb's truth is writ in record by his best friend, his sister, Beauregard Lionett, and is brought to the stand along with that of Astrid Beck and Eadwulf Grieve, to condemn former Master Trent Ikithon to the darkest dungeons, and the faintest of lights.

        Death, Caleb knows from Caduceus now, is not always kind, but for Trent it would be too so.  Better to die of thoughts than of the slowly-rotting body, better still to do both than to die by fire when you allowed a child to destroy his own life, and his parents' lives, with such a spark in an instant.

        TRUE TO HIS SOUL, IT DOES TAKE TIME.  It will be a lifelong journey, the rest of Caleb Widogast's life, but for the first time in a long time, it holds so much potential that he is unafraid of:  and rightly so, with friends to call or sending him a message whenever they are in need.  Though they never exactly settle permanently in a true brick-and-mortar home, Caleb knows the look in Essek's eyes when he first opened the Nein-Sided Tower to him, and never lets that look of wonder die  ---  it is open to them whenever they wish, and though they take plenty of places to let around Exandria, the promise is always there as long as Caleb has those old components, familiar as pieces of an old puzzle falling into just the right pattern, again and again.

        IT TAKES TIME.  Time to heal, time to get justice, time to rebuild, time to learn a life apart and yet so, so deeply ever-interconnected.  For as long as Caleb lives, he never lets the Mighty Nein be strangers for long, and never allows himself to be to them:  he could not, will not now, and welcomes them back each time with a small, sparking smile as he hears of Jester and Fjord's latest adventure with another turtle, or opens Veth and Yeza's door that first time, when Luc is around ten years old, to teach him his first cantrip.  He will teach no fire to Luc, not until  ---  and if  ---  there is a long conversation with both the boy and his parents, but the first spell they learn together is Dancing Lights, so that there will always be a little spark in the darkness, and Luc knows he needn't be afraid of any shadows.

        IT TAKES TIME.  Time of exploring the remaining ruins that lie around Exandria, close calls with Essek at his back, the pair of them teleporting in an instant to Caduceus, to Jester, to Shakaste or Reani once or twice to get help and a mending hand.  They are powerful, and do their best to shield and tandem and help each other, but sometimes there are things that are beyond their control, beyond their will, but they stretch their curiosity to within every bound they feel is right to push without pushing too far, and in time, it is Veth, Beauregard, and Essek who help Caleb with bringing his reformed schooling and teaching to life, starting at the summer camp and building upwards slowly, never missing a beat or missing a chance to instill a sense of stewardship, of belonging, within his students.

        A rumor spreads, over this time.  Caleb Widogast's students are not stewards of the Empire, they are not stewards and keepers of the Crown...  that's only in name, there are too many diatribes against dogma for that.  They are stewards of change, of forces for good, of leaving the world better than they found it.

        IT TAKES TIME.  And one day, at the end of a long day with all of the Nein in the Blooming Grove, surrounded by the Clays' and with Caduceus telling tales, a tea blossoming from where they buried Mollymauk's old coat even if his "brother" still walks that they all share, that Jester notices how, just under the table's edge, Caleb has taken Essek's hand, and quietly runs his thumb over the knuckles.  How Essek, once an enemy so long ago, lets Caleb lean against his shoulder, how they stay up, one night in the hut especially long but supplied by an endlessly boiling kettle thanks to many flame cantrips and poring over volumes about the history and provenance of the strange Savalirwood, and it takes time, at the end of that day, for Yasha and Beauregard to knowingly smile at each other as they hear the quiet sounds of one pair of feet padding down the hall, while something soft swishes in the air behind, and the muffled close of a door.

        IT TAKES TIME, BUT CALEB WIDOGAST BUILDS A HOME.  It is within walls, of course, a mix of Zemnian and Xhorhasian and fantastical build that seems a little too big on the inside to be its true size on the outer, but it is filled with countless books, a laboratory that Veth has four extra keys to, and an enchanted compass that always shows, since Caleb is not always with Fjord to Keen Mind his adventures, where his friends may yet come to port from.  There are, true to Caleb's words, never another familiar, not on his end, but there are many, over his lifetime, cats of all sorts.  The first is one Jester tried to stow away, but Fjord's allergies were too bad:  Caleb and Essek quickly keep the little beast, and it is one of many that come to Caleb's class, taught, rather than spelled, to sit on his shoulders while he works and paces and to warm the old dreads in his belly late at night.

        IT TAKES TIME, BUT CALEB WIDOGAST LOVES.  He loves deeply and strongly, for his friends and for Essek, for the families that some of them choose to build of blood and others of bond and battle, for the family they have already built of a mixture of all of those, and the family they have built out of stories, that has somehow been with him when he thought he was worthless, forever remains his closest now that his parents have, at last, been buried with all that he could never say.  The visit to Blumenthal is one of the occaisions where Essek must go in disguise, should he go, but it happens yearly, then every few years, as Caleb brings news through his words and without his secret, stown-away letters.

        IT DOES NOT, HOWEVER, TAKE TIME OR EVEN A LIFETIME FOR CALEB WIDOGAST TO REALIZE THEY HAVE ALL BUILT A FAMILY OF NINE TOGETHER.  It takes time to find new rhythms, yes, time to adjust and know and rotate around each other, but just like the planets, they always fall back into one another's orbit, always find the breeze behind them leads them to one another's doorsteps.  Other adventures lie ahead for the group as a whole, big and small, wide as the world and small as a summer camp for the wide, wide future.

        When Caleb at last returns to Allura Vysoren, and they all do, one day he pulls her aside, having taken Essek with him.  But when Caleb and Essek arrived, and Kima and Allura saw, they needn't have explained anything, Allura says with a knowing smile.  She once knew such quiet, unexplained, but enduring love that comes with time to be spoken of.  They recognize each other, then.

        Caleb Widogast and Essek Theylss, lovers, live together and adventure together until the end of their days.  They are never far, in message or in space, from their chosen, deep-rooted, family of nine.

#cr spoilers #( this was going to be bullet points but... nope. ) #( meta. ) i don't want your pockets to get too heavy. #( character study. ) i looked in the mirror and i was on fire. #( post. ) we have time.

[widaugast]

META:  ON "RESOLUTION"

    *Disclaimer:  I am one of many Caleb writers, one of many people in the fandom, and in no way affiliated with Liam O'Brien or Critical Role officially.  These are just personal thoughts, musings, and things that will likely be ruminated over more later.

      Though I'm not completely caught up yet, all that being said...  HERE THERE BE SPOILERS!  Make sure to not click below if you don't want them.

     Lately, when I have been brave enough to delve into fandom meta, there’s been a lot of worries about “resolution”: feelings of things tying up, of what “feels right” as an ending. To me, anyway, I think that a lot of these feelings are more than justified  (especially when we’re getting our finale still at a socially-distanced studio when I know more than a few of us would’ve wished it could still be around the table)  but that being said, one of the powers of the Mighty Nein’s story, to me anyway, is how it subverts and promises narrative expectations, and these might bode really well (potentially) for everyone’s future.

     Fjord, for example, doesn’t want to be controlled: with the powers he has now, the might of Melora and his friends, he can face Uk’otoa down if he wants, but he’s also learned that maybe personal vengeance isn’t the fish to fry. Vandran seems, for all that we know, happy wherever he is: there’s no reason to seek out revenge for a man who isn’t dead, and I wonder if Fjord can, or will, in time learn to be okay with that. Much the same can be said of Trent and Caleb, or Beauregard’s past story with the Cobalt Soul, for example. Her abusers there being recognized, put on the stand, and her own promotion instead within their ranks emphasizes a new turn for the Cobalt Soul, and establishes a precedent that abusive systems can be reformed from the inside or the out, given the time and the people to listen to you and believe you.

    While I am... unsure if the same could be said of Trent specifically, this promise of abusers getting their due come-uppance as a result of people listening, as a result of gaining your own power and weight in the argument (as Beau does with the Soul as an Expositor now), it doesn’t put it out of the realm of possibility, for me, that there could still be post-campaign reparations for Trent and the Assembly to come, assuming they don’t happen in whatever the SEVEN HOURS we have left in store.

    There’s something to be said, too, I think, for Caleb not ultimately getting some sort of “bloody revenge”: like Fjord choosing not to pursue it, for now, and Beau’s abusers getting their just desserts, Caleb not getting to murder the entire Assembly may not be what we expected or initially wanted, but it does make a kind of logical sense in the story that CR seems, to me, to be trying to tell. Not all abusers and revenge arcs need to end in death: and not all deaths of revenge are fulfilling (see: Percy in campaign one). Rather, it’s the growth beyond and through, the growth past abuse and the reform that can be promised, that I think the story is bending towards, and that... especially for male characters? That they don’t go out guns-blazing against their “enemies” and that fixes all of their problems?

    Well, that’s not an angle I’ve seen too much, and dealing with the raw, emotional impact of digging this up from the roots, pulling it up wider: perhaps with Beauregard and the Soul’s help, now that they have proven they can stand up to such people, is maybe possible.

    Maybe resolution, in terms of the Trent “arc” for Caleb, like with any trauma, isn’t about killing it: there’s no such thing as putting down your own trauma for good and calling it dead. There’s only dealing with it, uprooting it, trying to make sure it doesn’t happen to others in as healthy a way as that can be made to happen. I’m no psychiatrist, so take that with a grain of salt, but I wonder now if that isn’t what the “resolution” (whether we see it in-game or not) isn’t what that looks like.

    Not scorched earth, not every body hitting the floor, but imprisonment. Disinvestment. Pulling back the curtain to reveal such evidence that nothing of this darkness can ever be made in the new light, not again. That’s what the Soul has offered Beau, that’s what talking to Vandran and Sabian could offer Fjord, that’s what dragging the Assembly, kicking and screaming, into the light could bring to a head (and perhaps something of a close) for Caleb, and even Essek, to an extent, as he’s worked with them as well through the Dynasty.

I wonder if that isn’t a better story to tell, to an extent: and again, this is just personal. That revenge isn’t the end of a male character’s story, and suddenly he’s fine, is really unusual and really powerful: that he gets reparations, that he gets the chance to rebuild but also to step back, should Caleb want to never have to do anything with this again, is also powerful.

I think it’s maybe going to be a more interesting ending than it seems to have been sometimes given credit for. I’m willing to give it that chance.

    And as far as loose ends go, well... isn’t that what the Nein have always been about? Loose ends? Bits of story unwinding and continuing to spiral forward, adventures still to come? It would feel downright weird to me to see everything wrapped up perfectly in a nice bow, but that being said... let’s not let any of those loose ends involve a perma-death. But maybe a resurrection ritual, for flavor, could be really, really, beautiful.

#( meta. ) i don't want your pockets to get too heavy. #( thinking.gif ) #( caveat that this is just my processing and personal thoughts! ) #cr spoilers #cr spoilers. #cr spoilers / #cr spoilers // #do not reblog /

[widaugast]

        QUICK THOUGHTS: EP.127, "SARSAPRILLA, LICORICE, AND RED HOT"

        There is and will be time to deal with the full ramifications later  ---  at the least, I hope so, since I am behind for this episode  ---  but I will say that I am... not unsurprised at Caleb's use of Gravity Sinkhole against the guards in Vergesson Sanatorum.  Aside from their time with Trent, briefly, in his laboratory with the Luxon, this is Caleb doing the reverse of what he did to get out of the Sanatorium in the first place: when, even as a low-level wizard who had been weakened and physcholigically crumbled for years, was able to (and did) kill a guard to get out his first time he was here.  To then kill for entry isn't only a reversal of this that is paralleled, but it also could certainly hint at Caleb's complicated feelings and feelings of rage towards Trent, the Assembly, and the power that he has to be able to fight back against those he could not once.

        Are these guards likely the ones responsible for keeping Caleb locked up all those years?  No.  But I think, to his mind anyway, there's some old trauma and a desire for revenge or catharsis coming up here, as well as relishing in the power that he has to cut down those who once cut him down, if only through representatives...  whether that morally comes back to bite him later will tell with time.

#( tl;dr i think Caleb + Liam both have their reasons here and yes it's gruesome but i can see a logic to it ) #( it's a trauma fueled logic but it's a logic ) #cr spoilers. #( meta. ) i don't want your pockets to get too heavy. #( liveblogging. ) i am forgetting what it's like not to be with you people.

[widaugast]

        On the tails of my last meta, I am going to say this much before I reblog a meme to get things rolling in a different direction:  just because I write Caleb does not mean I love or agree with everything he does, nor everything Liam says, either.  His trauma may always be in recovery, but is he doing the best way to recover from it?  In my personal opinion, no, but I understand where it comes from.  Should he listen to his friends more, especially when it comes to Caduceus?  He could really learn from them, or at least expand his mind even if he rejects the possibilites, so yes.  One of Caleb's biggest faults is not listening, despite the fact that he can be quietly very perceptive when he wants to be.  Or rather, he can listen but not follow through, convinced  ---  in an independent streak and a personal feeling deep-rooted in a "survivor" mentality that he's never really shaken  ---  that he cannot ever wholly rely on other's advice, even sometimes with the Nein.

        You (I) can write and love a character and still recognize their flaws.  I generally like myself, but I'm self-aware enough to know that I've got some big things I need to work on, may always be working on, and the same applies to my relationship to my muses:  we've all got things we need to grow on, and sometimes we're the last person to see it or want to acknowledge it.  That doesn't mean we still don't need to find better coping mechanisms or ways of growing.

#( end this particular spurt i'm going to reblog that meme from earlier again and just... oofda ) #( YOU CAN LOVE A CHARACTER AND NOT BEND OVER BACKWARDS FOR THEM AT THE SAME TIME ) #( IT IS POSSIBLE I LOVE SOME OF MY OC'S BUT ALSO SOME OF THEM ARE UNHEALTHY BASTARDS WHO HAD TO LEARN HOW TO GROW ) #( meta. ) i don't want your pockets to get too heavy. #out of the ashes.

[widaugast]

        IT TAKES TIME FOR CALEB TO STOP LOOKING FOR EYES.  Even once they are back on the Material Plane, even once they are travelling and getting ready for trials and arrests and prosecutions and building cases and helping each other build lives, I don't think it's unlikely for any of the Nein to feel the same  ---  but for Caleb, anyway, it goes well into months after the events of the Astral Sea, if not well over a year.

        He has Beauregard check, of course, and she him in return.  After some time, when they travel together again, it is Eseek who checks  ---  when all the Nein are together, quietly, Veth will catch him clutching his arm or looking at the back of his hand, lost to thought and to the present moment, and place an anchoring shoulder against his.  But for someone whose body is already irreparably marked by magic, by magic by force just like the Eyes of Nine were, no less, it takes a long time for Caleb to wake up and not look for anything that might have appeared overnight.

#cr spoilers. #do not reblog / #( meta. ) i don't want your pockets to get too heavy. #( headcanon. ) a wave of memories come flooding to you. #( .... anyway ) #q.

[widaugast]

            DYNAMIC META:  CALEB & CADUCEUS.

        I was going to queue this, because Talks was very recent and I haven't watched the whole thing, just seen transcripts... but I’m in the process of processing via words here, so I’m posting my thoughts as they are right now. Subject to change. So, with that caveat in mind  ---  and that Caleb, of all people, is certainly not immune to flaws and blindsides with his friends  ---  I'm going to informally drabble about the dynamic between the two, as I see it, for a little bit below the cut.  I'm not sure what I'll cover, so this is a blanket spoiler warning!

        FOR AWHILE, CALEB TRUSTED CADUCEUS IN A STRANGE WAY, AND THE TRUST WAS (IT SEEMED) MUTUAL, EVEN WHEN THEY FIRST MET.  I think I've either written or reblogged meta about this before, but Caduceus met Caleb and the Nein under extraordinary circumstances  ---  not only did they need the help of someone they'd never met, and Caleb and Beau both accepted and shared the dead people tea while Caduceus talked to them and began to let them know him a bit, but Caduceus met Caleb while he was in full protective mode.  Arguably, he saw the most decisive Caleb had ever been up to that point:  a Caleb running with one mission, one goal, and the time to mourn was later and the time to fix things, if they could be fixed for both their kidnapped friends and Mollymauk, was now.  Caduceus met Caleb at his most leader-y he'd been so far in the campaign, the most decisive and quick because he'd been forced in his hand, and that's a hell of a first impression.

        LIKEWISE, CALEB MET CADUCEUS IN THAT STATE OF PURE DECISIVENESS AND ACTION, AND THAT PERCEPTION OF UTILITY OVER FRIENDSHIP WAS HARD TO SHAKE.  To an extent, I think it's a trap he can still fall into  ---  that all of the Nein can, especially because Caduceus' growing into advocating for his own desires, needs, wants, and thoughts is a slow one.  Respecting that process is something I myself hold, I'm proud of Caduceus for growing at whatever pace he can, but it can make him appear static, especially to Caleb's mind  ---  he met Caduceus as an asset before he met Caduceus as a friend, and though that disturbs him more now I think (at least as far as my portrayal is concerned) it's still something he's not always conscious of, and needs to be told off from.  Fjord, especially, is good at checking in with Caduceus the man, but Caleb, well...

        THEY'RE FRIENDS AND ALLIES, "IT'S MORE IMPORTANT YOU STAY UP THAN I STAY UP" AND CALEB MEANT THAT, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE STILL ISN'T PERPLEXED AND SOMETIMES EVEN FRUSTURATED BY CADUCEUS' POINT OF VIEW (AS HE PERCIEVES IT).  Both Caleb and Caduceus are marked by remembrance, but Caduceus  ---  from his first moment making "the earth remember" Mollymauk  ---  has been about (or seemed to be, to Caleb) moving through and moving with that, seeing death as natural.  Winter, the season of death, is natural.  This doesn't mean he's nihilistic or anything, far from it, but death is well...  among other things, it can be recycling for the enjoyment and remembrance of others who knew them.  That's part of the ethos of the Blooming Grove itself.  Whether that's still Cad's M.O. I can't speak to, but it's definitely Caleb's first impression, and Caleb's own relationship to remembrance is a lot different.

        FOR CALEB, MEMORY IS SOMETHING THAT WILL FOREVER BE PART OF WHO HE IS.  THERE'S NO GROWTH OVER IT.  THERE'S NO WAY OF BLOSSOMING OVER IT.  THERE'S ONLY LIVING WITH IT.  I think that's really exemplified in the Tower, where Caduceus seemed almost perplexed that Caleb kept the rooms of memories  ---  good and ill  ---  when it'll stay in Caleb's literal mind, his literal memory.  "Why remake your trauma?"  "Because it's never going away."  That's not literal dialogue, but I think...  for Caleb, memories, even the bad ones and especially the traumatic ones, aren't ones that he could even have imagined leaving out of that Tower.  They're a part of him, wholly and thorny and inhabited only by ghosts and himself at this point.  He doesn't grow over them directly, doesn't attempt to see the seeds of something good in them, but chooses to work directly above it  ---  while still keeping them, because they're part of who he is, even with everything good he now knows he can do and has done kindly for his friends.

        The memory rooms are right below a room of endless possibility, right below the very illusion of possibility itself.  I'm not sure that Caleb "creeps Caduceus out," as Liam said on Talks tonight  ---  or if "creep" is the right word at least  ---  but they do have fundamental differences in the way they seem (at least from Caleb's perspective) deal with memories, especially bad or traumatic ones, even if they maybe have more in common than they realize.

        What do I hope happens?  I hope, and want to work on with my portrayal, a mutual understanding that you don't have to have the same position as someone to be their friend  ---  and for Caleb to expand his mind a bit.  Constantly living with your trauma literally (just) over your head isn’t necessarily the most healthy coping mechanism, Beau, Jester, and Caduceus all had points on that. That being said, as Caleb has said to Yasha, “I don’t think a few hours are going to roll back months of pain,” and Caleb dealt with his trauma and has been carrying it on his back since he was a teenager, and is still  working through the fallout. I don’t know when the end date on that is, and (at least as I see it) trauma doesn’t have an expiration date, you only learn how to cope with it better and I think maybe part of Caleb’s journey is learning how to have better coping mechanisms for what it feels like you’ll never get over. What you may never completely get over. The memory rooms aren’t the healthiest, but he’s trying to build over them, and I do wonder if he can (or has) even yet thought of alternatives: there’s other ways to remember and keep the past with you, but he’s right now doing it the only way he could think of, even if it’s not healthy. He’s, in a way, doing the trauma recovery equivalent of throwing spaghetti at a wall and seeing what sticks: maybe it’s just not forgetting, maybe it’s that simple. It’s not, but I don’t know when he’ll come to see that. Hopefully, he can learn more of that by listening to his friends, including Caduceus.

There's a lot of things that Caleb and Caduceus don't have in common, and probably won't ever, but I think they could each learn something from each other  ---  whether it's on memory or faith or something else entirely.  They're both grounded in protective instincts now, at the least, support casters usually foremost, so there's that to start, but some sort of better understanding is a long time coming and due.  (Also because Caduceus taking a long time to process and speak up for his own needs and feelings is sort of an inverse and not dissimilar to how Caleb was at the start of the campaign, albeit a... well, like I said, an inverse of it.)

#talks spoilers. #( saw this floating around but tbh there's still A LOT of Caleb that's trauma responses and i cannot fault him for that ) #( BIG OLD CAVEAT THAT THIS IS THOUGHTS IN PROCESS AND COULD / WILL LIKELY CHANGE AND THIS IS CALEB'S POV I'M TALKING ABOUT HERE ) #( individual characters have their perceptions of each other and they're not always right and can grow ) #( see: caleb and beau thinking each of them hated each other at first ) #( meta. ) i don't want your pockets to get too heavy. #( i just... this is a lot of word vomit and if you don't want to see i do tag any talks related things with 'talks spoilers'! ) #( caleb does need to grow but idk how long of a process that will be and he's... trying a method but it definitely isn't perfect ) #( but what method of trauma recovery is?? and recovery from things is kind of... always lifelong imo )

[widaugast]

CANON SCENES  ---  no longer accepting! @exandriians​ cast message:  Meta scene: Fjord’s transformation in ep 72!

        It takes all of them a few moments to awake in the cold:  freezing as they may be in their trek, even sheltered inside the warmth of the Dust family's cave, Caleb cannot help but wonder, when he does stir, whether or not his eyelashes might have frozen shut were it not for the inner warmth of the lava that runs deep through the sanctum of stone.  It is a bleary thought, one that comes from a just-waking beginning of clarity, but the true clarity comes when he stirs for good:  when he, and the others, quickly realize that one of their company is missing.

        One step, two, three, five, and they're carried out into what remains of the snow to see...  a block of ice, thick enough to bury a certain half-orc in a living grave, that Caleb wonders if somehow, something foolish, something horrible, has gotten them all doomed.  It was only a matter of time, but they had been here to help:  to figure out part of this entwined story between Fjord and Caduceus' deity and the sword that has yet to be wielded, tbe broken blade reforged.

        For all that Caleb is not a man of faith, and likely never will be, this cannot be it  ---  will not, if he has anything to say in the matter, and as they melt the ice, as layers of indescribable seaweek come off in frozen chunks, then slick as if they had come from the beaches of Nicodranas themselves, something other than the cold sends a shiver down Caleb's spine.  Fjord, all his old scars, but his eyes closed.  Fjord, all his hair stuck to his forehead, but his arms at his sides.  Fjord, with his chest...  rising, his body rising, and a spluttering cough with...  broader shoulders than before?

        What was done to you is Caleb's first thought, followed closely  ---  so closely  ---  by what have you done?  His eyes chase over their friend as he rises, noting no...  no yellow eyes anywhere, no apparent forging with any distant Cloven Crystals.  As Fjord somewhat explains, lips chattering a bit, Caleb listens, and the stubborn dedication of his friend overwhelms him.  The faith seems an impossible thing to reach.

#exandriians #( exandriians: fjord. ) #letters. #( meta. ) i don't want your pockets to get too heavy. #( one. ) canon. #( chapter fifteen. ) against the chains. #( thanks for this jamie! )

[widaugast]

    QUICK THOUGHTS: CALEB, BEAU, AND THE SOMNOVEM IN EP.122, "NOTHING VENTURED, NOTHING GAINED"

        I've just finished last week's episde, in preparation of hopefully watching this past Thursday's tomorrow!  And...  well, the ending left me with some definite thoughts that I wish to process somewhere other than spamming the DMs of my beloved Beauregard (lethalghosts).  As expected, ep122 spoilers beneath the cut!

        FIRSTLY, I firmly place no blame on either Beau or Caleb for the actions which have led to their (apparent) placement or access to the Eyes of Nine.  Not only did they pursue the knowledge within Lucien's book willingly, knowing full well it could be risky or fruitles, but they did so together.  At their hearts, though sometimes for different motivations (or organizations), both Beau and Caleb are knowledge-seekers, and they did exactly that in looking at Lucien's book:  they did what they do, they looked and they sought and they puzzled and they found.

        (Granted, maybe more than they were bargaining for and at a strange price that has yet to be fully revealed, but nevertheless.)

        SECONDLY, neither of them now knows what this means, and to Caleb anyway, the prospect is terrifying, oddly thrilling, and full of guilt at the same time.  He has been more...  aware, lately, I think, of how his "wizard hubris" (for lack of a better term) has appeared in Eiselcross, and now to my mind he's well aware that there may have been a line crossed.  Caleb's mind is prone to self-flagellation.  It is prone to guilt, he is prone to guilt and to an extent he blames himself for this because he wanted to look, too, they both wanted to look and he did not stop Beauregard because he wanted to know, too.  Furthermore, he cannot help but have a sinking feeling  ---  because this echoes the past.

        Caleb has been marked, with an as-yet-untold-power magical sigil that could be used against him and has been placed upon him without his consent, again.  I don't think it takes too much to stretch that to the scars from Trent, or even the tattoos that Astrid and Eodwulf have gained in the years since, but for Caleb, he thinks of his scars, how they weren't consensual (since those chairs for holding them down did have traps and that was torture of minors), and gods, it has happened again.  Even worse, it has happened to Beauregard, his "empire sibling," his friend that he loves like a sister and now they are both marked.  Both (potentially) damned.  Both a liability.  Both a risk, both at the cusp, potentially, of some unknown reward that could be offered through this but could they get more eyes?  Is it only Beauregard's notes about her dream that are unintelligible to anyone except him now, or is it all her writing?  Will it be all her writing?  Could they get even further into this?  Is that worth it?

        In the immediate, gut reaction, Caleb is both fascinated and terrified, in the past and horribly, horribly in the present.  And very, very scared for what this means for Beauregard, even if he knows she can protect herself.

#cr spoilers. #( meta. ) i don't want your pockets to get too heavy. #( caleb & beau. ) i'm glad you're here. #( lethalghosts: beau. ) follow your own advice; don't go.