#I need a job and I need to be able to suck it up and DO THINGS but I feel like I'm not the person u was anymore

[bigfatbimbo]

vees' collective dom but the one who just wants to live a peaceful life or something else that leads them to bonk (sometimes physically) vees off doing their villainous things. no, vox, you're NOT dealing with that deer tonight, we've agreed to watch a movie. no, val, you don't overwork your staff, it's fucking noisy. vel, don't you dare ever talk to other overlords like that again, it's risky

tbh, I had an image in my head about such reader complaining about vees' manipulations while some (another) punishment. like that vox could not use his hypnosis to make people buy his new product if he just made it actually useful, so why not he put that stupid head of his to better use on your chest and nothing more. vel should've thinked better on how love potion could be used, so overstimulation to show her it is. and val? wouldn't need that manipulative nice persona if he'd make actually good films and not some animalistic boring shit, so why he won't keep all of his hands to himself and try to be more romantic, sitting behind you, tied so well so he's only able to talk and he better do that

- 🦊

Basically a reader almost (definitely) manipulating the Vees into being less evil. ALSO NOT PROOFREAD!!!

So i’ve had very similar thoughts to this for a while and i’m going to tell you exactly why this would work. Quick lore drop about me but I used to be such a lowkey shady businessman (not explaining anymore than this, i’m healed) and let me just say, people like them are actually very easy to manipulate.

AKA greedy, power hungry, egotistical maniacs. What they do is terrible, thats no denying that, but they think very highly of themselves and their skills. So ‘stop abusing your employees’ not from a moral standpoint, but from a competence standpoint. That sells.

Like the whole “vox could not use his hypnosis to make people buy his new product if he just made it actually useful” thing would absolutely work. It’s a hit against his ego and self competence, and because of the fragility in his facade, it would absolutely cause insecurity.

And reinforcing it with very rough, degrading, dumbifaction style sex would absolutely still have him thinking the next day. He’s sucking your tits or dick or something and you’re making comments like “Aw, look. A job you’re almost good at. Too bad that little head of yours can’t even think of anything useful to society.” Make him cry, you definitely can when it’s a knock at his intelligence and power.

“vel should've thinked better on how love potion could be used, so overstimulation to show her it is.” Oh boy, I know this would get to her. Velvette thinks she’s hot shit, no, she knows she is. So now you’re overstimulating her and making fun of her because really? You had to use, even better, actually put time in to create a whole ass love potion, because not enough people wanted to fuck you?

She’d whine and tell you that’s not why, but come on. I mean, why be that hell bent on something so futile, we both know she’s not selfless enough to just give that away to virgin creeps all over pride. Oh Velvette, who’s came countless times and who’s pussy aches and has makeup running down her face, now has to her your call out on her confidence, and how it’s only boosted by her useless, forceful grab for others attention.

And Val, there’s so much ground to cover. “wouldn't need that manipulative nice persona if he'd make actually good films and not some animalistic boring shit.” Personal callout to his craft, which is clearly just as self indulgent as it is tiring. Your actors look so battered, Val. That’s not a good look, and isn’t that the point? Sex won’t sell if the people aren’t sexy, and that stars cracked lip is positively hideous.

There’s no intimacy, and you doubt someone as talentless as him can even achieve romance. So now he’s tied up on the bed, barely able to move as you sit across from him, not just bored, but reading a book or scrolling on your phone. He’s practically crying out cliche, used lines to romance you, and failing miserably when the whine creeps in.

So basically, the angle with Vox is his fragile power, Velvettes her unimpressive beauty, and Valentino is the implication of him not having a grasp on sex. Oh also fucking them to drill it in their head. Because what, people? Something that impacts the control over their work-life and sex-life will stick. Sex and power go hand and hand when the greedy are lustful.

Now are the results?

Well, Vox would make a show of making more useful products, and still use hypnosis, obviously he’s a shitbag, but there’d be a new level of self-hatred that comes with it, meaning it’d happen less.

Well, Velvettes is a little harder to just… take back as the product is already out there. However, the product promotion goes down ever so slightly because yes, money and power is great, but you’ve done something no one can do. Embarrassed our confident queen.

Valentino actually thinks before hitting an employee to hard, and actually lets actors have conversations because apparently people should have… chemistry? He doesn’t know, he just doesn’t want his porn to be boring or not sexy. His other issue (assault, i’m talking about assault) is not resolved he just leaves less marks.

You’ve successfully watered down a problem for a long-term (but not permanent) period of time. This could be even longer if also plant the idea of falling from power in their head.

Simply “What were you before an overlord? A sinner. What are your employees? Sinners. If you treat these employees to harshly, what will they do? Rebel. To successfully keep and manipulate your power you need your workers to feel more than obligation, but loyalty to you. Not your company or their job. You. Otherwise, keep in mind how other overlords have fallen.”

If you ever try this from a morality standpoint, it won’t work. The angle is power, people, because they will never stop being abusive for the right reasons. However, your domineering behavior in bed has earned you an amount of respect.

I fear I sounded evil in this um… never have this mindset for people who aren’t corrupt evil rapists. Also, I don’t think I talked about the smut aspect enough sorry, I just love character analysis. OH ALSO I haven’t been a sinister salesman since I was 16, everybody, calm down. Everyone has an angle though!

#hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel x you #dom reader #hazbin hotel smut #vox x reader #velvette x reader #valentino x reader #the vees x reader #sub vox #sub velvette #sub valentino #sub vees

[halogalopaghost]

#IM SO STRESSED IM SO STRESSED #I feel like I'm not handling ANYTHING well rn #so many people have symptoms that are WAAAAAAY fucking worse and they're like. working full time jobs and being a parent and shit and #I'm like waaah oh no I have body aches and chronic fatigue looks like I'll have to be unemployed and never do anything ever 💀 #how am I gonna live?? like. my parents are taking care of me and I'm so fucking glad but #SOMEDAY THEY WONT BE AROUND and that stresses me out so bad #I'm 25 years old and I NEED my mom every day if not physically then emotionally because I'm a little bitch baby that can't do anything for #herself. im having a hard time feeding myself I'm having a hard time keeping my living space clean #I'm not taking care of anything except the dogs sometimes and my lizard and she's not getting as much attention as she used to #I need a job and I need to be able to suck it up and DO THINGS but I feel like I'm not the person u was anymore #I was strong and I could push thru things and make myself do things and now I can't???? I just lay on the fucking couch!! and feel bad abtit #is it the tism. is it the ADHD. what about the chronic depression. how bout the fibromyalgia? #and the thing is that ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE MILD #I don't have severe pain (yet). #I just can't handle it I don't WANT to handle it #so. shoutout to my mom I guess because if it wasn't for her I simply wouldn't be alive #I feel like I've never been happy!! why can't I just be content and be happy!!!! #I have no fucking reason to be unhappy!!!!!!

[silenthillbunni]

things i want but cant ever afford; tattoos, certain books, noise cancelling headphones, a few plushies, a polaroid camera.... yeh thats it those r my dream things to buy if i ever have money :((

#ngl it's starting to get to me #im 25...... and i've never been able to buy anything i want (or need sometimes) #and like im 25!!!! and i dont even have money so that i can save up to things or anything #ig thats why i buy so many necklaces even if i dont need them.... its the only thing i can afford sksksksk #:((( #i dont even want a lot of things but like it sucks to have gone my entire teens not being able to afford anything #and now im halfway thru my 20s and i cant even buy new shoes even if i rlly need them #let alone saving up for a polaroid. it's like $100 nd i'd easily buy one if i had a job #but the money i get now is $300 and all of that goes to food but barely covers that :D #anyway whatever im just feeling a bot sad

[anotherpapercut]

smth that I've found difficult in navigating life as an autistic adult is that I don't want to be infantilized, like I want/need to be viewed as a full adult, but sometimes my needs seem childish to people. so like I fight to be taken seriously but then when I do actually need help I can't get it because only a child would need it and I should be able to handle if I really want to be viewed as an adult

#i just. i do not feel like i am fit to work. but its incredibly difficult to obtain ssi and then ssi sucks #literally only have found 3 jobs that meshed w my autism and 2 of them i cant do anymore bc of physical disability #and 1 of them is still my job (math tutor ❤️) we're only allowed to work up to 19.5 hrs a week whoch i cant live off of #anyway this is all to say i feel like a dumb childish idiot because i cant function if im not wearing my favorite comfy shirt #and i know its ridiculous but i just will not be able to focus on anything else all day sometimes #i just need to be in my comfort clothing sometimes so i can feel like it's giving me a hug all day #and i know theyre just never going to understand that because of how stupid it sounds #i wish i had like a cool relative who was rich. i mean i do but hes not THAT cool. who would let me live in like an apartment they rent

[lemongogo]

WAH i relate really hard to ur feelings of being burnt out from work and the weather and everything...genuinely jobs r hell im so tired by the end i cant even draw i do wanna say that i build up motivation and creativity by looking what other people are doing. i love coming up with ocs and premises, so a lot of what i want to work on is visualization. i try to be specific in what im studying, so i look a lot towards design and composition of an illustration, with a minor focus on mood and style. in this regard, you're an incredible inspiration. you have wonderful diversity of character poses and composition, a very appealing style, and a MASTERFUL use of color, using both bold and subtle tones highly effectively and in alignment with the mood of rest of the piece. i think youre deeply creative in how you build and frame the moments you depict, and you do so in a manner that uses your incredible technical skill. i hope art will be fun for you soon, bc i love seeing what you create.

thank u.. soo much.T__T ive been sitting here trying to figure out how 2 respond but im at a loss for words rn and all i can say is thank u . THANK YOU !! GENUINELYY.!! like tears of gratitude

i know how difficult it can be to gather up the energy to write smth out like this, so i just wanted to say thank you , above all, for taking the time to listen to & reassure me. like thats so freaking nice of you to do.. you didn't have to, but you did && it means so much, especially knowing that you are going through something similar..T__T i hope you can find some time for yourself amid it all and that you're given the space to fully enjoy your ocs again and work towards the sort of visualization that youve always wanted to have in your own art. i have faith in u!! like u have faith in mee <3 .

& you are so right in saying that this is one of the best times to stop and actually look and. deconstruct, digest the works around u . so many incredible artists out there w their own ideas, with their own interpretations, styles, etc. that is there to be studied and admired. soo much art that has been created & will be created , and that it will be ookayy in the end... so hard 2 remember but genuinely so valuable to keep in mind.

as for everythng u said abt my art .I WISH I CLD LIKE. need to shake u by the shoulders. thank uu . thank u thank u so much.. thank u . ty. T__T thank u.. i hope you have a wonderful evening

#U ARE SOO NICE. ABT EVERYHTINGGG and yeah we gen need to blow up jobs n capitalism n everything #that necessitates the need 4 our lives 2 be dictated by the hr and by pisspoor wages. #i dont think ill ever be able to come to terms w how soul sucking it is.2 never have energy enough for friends or creative outlets #anyways.-__- #but yah i freakig cried my eyes out at the end. thank u . sry for being so emotional on main & all but this soothed a part of my #heart. u are soo kind.thank u again . ALL I CAN SAY!the desire to mean what i say so hard u can feel it thru the screen but thats all i can #manage. tyty. blessed 2024 be upon u.. best year yet u wait and see #happy tag #asktag #anonymous

[montanabohemian]

soooooo this afternoon i found out some devastating news about my current financial situation and am basically screwed. if ANYONE can help me out with rent and some recent medical and vehicle emergency bills, i would so greatly appreciate it. (or just sharing this helps i guess i don't know.)

paypal

#mutual aid #mutual aid request #donations #donation request #basically i've been receiving unemployment and was told one thing way back in july *BY UNEMPLOYMENT* #and when i called today because my benefits are almost up they told me THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE #so for six months i was operating on one set of instructions only to find out at the end of those six months that it was bogus so i'm fucke #like super fucked #so absolutely fucked #i know it's the end of the year / new year / holidays and nO ONE is financially able to help but i just need to put it out there #ALSO IF ANYONE HAS ANY LEADS ON ANY FUCKING JOBS #I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE THAT #cuz i've been applying for jobs like crazy and FUCKING NOTHING #happy new year TO ME #(like i knew this new year was gonna suck but WOW COULD IT SUCK EVEN WORSE SINCE IMMA BOUT TO BE HOMELESS WHEEEEEEEEEE) #(i'm literally still so mad after that phone call and gurl was AWFUL and like 'welp nothing i can do you're on your own') #(and i'm sitting there (after being on hold for well over an hour) going YEAH BUT THIS IS *YOUR* SCREW UP. NOT. MINE.) #(anyway i feel like walking into traffic for real cuz what's the point) #(YES I'M ALLOWED TO BE UPSET AND SCARED OKAY) #signal boost #aid #signal b00st #happy new year

[gynecologistmsfrizzle]

“what to tell a doctor to get an autism diagnosis” “here’s what i learned from realizing i was autistic at 40″ “i would never want a professional diagnosis” “person first language is so regressive” “autism symptoms are only a problem because of ableism” “we dont need treatment” “no autistic person wants a cure” “four doctors told me i couldn’t be autistic so i found a fifth” “autism is an invisible disability” “dont disclose your neurodivergency to employers” “i/dd and autism have nothing to do with each other” “nt parents/advocates have no place in autism communities” “of course im autistic have you heard me talk about horror movies” babe i have nothing in common with any of you

#completely insane that i will go on autism twitter and somehow i am ''low functioning'' compared to the rest of the people on there. #what are you TALKING about. dont disclose your ''neurodivergency'' to your doctors?? autism is an invisible disability? #we live on different planets. like i think we live on different planets. #sorry but i am twenty two years old and my mother has a fippa exemption to access all my medical info bc if she did not #i would not be able to access healthcare. #the only reason i can live away from home is because i have a cell phone and internet and can keep in touch w family. #my legal government address is my father's house where i have not lived for seven years #because if an important document gets sent to my apartment i will lose it or forget about it and i know this because it's happened. #like ... yeah ! autism IS a spectrum ! and you are not doing such a good job recognizing and supporting people who are #in very different places on that spectrum than you ! #it is. i mean it's kind of a form of hermeneutical injustice to argue that there is no meaningful difference between various groups #of autistic people #like yeah functioning labels suck ASS. also you DO need to be able to identify that there ARE people who need more support #because if you can't name that then you are going to forget that they exist #and i see that all the time. it's aspie supremacy by another name #by erasing people who did not have the privilege of self-diagnosing #who do not have the privilege not to disclose #who do not have the privilege of independent self-advocacy #you are going to end up achieving the same thing that actively dismissing those people achieves #like. i dunno. like i said it's completely bonkers in yonkers that EYE and the UNIVERSITY DEGREE EYE WILL BE GETTING IN TWO MONTHS #and my LEASE and my RESPECTABLE RESUME and my INCOMING SOCIAL WORK LICENSE #feel alienated by the default presumptions the ''autistic community'' seems to operate from about how autistic people function #like jfc if i feel erased and unwelcome then how are you EVER going to make your community accessible and helpful #to people who need miles more support than i do?? #rhi talks #autie tag

[seedlessmuffins]

.

#i think ive been burnt out for awhile #like exhausted nothing makes me happy anymore burnt out #i know i need to work to be able to afford things but it is so much and my job is so draining in every way #i feel guilty because i was late to work today i slept through my alarm #but it is because im so stressed all the time my body just doesnt respond anymore #ive worked like 8-13 hour days every day for the past two months and at this point im tired #i dont know if i can do this anymore but genuinely if i dont i will not be able to afford school next year #its a struggle #and then i feel guilty not answering texts or asks even though i love getting them and reading them #because i legitimately dont have the energy to reply #its also why ive been a bit less active but i dont have the energy for it #it makes me feel guilty which makes me feel worse and just sends me deeper into the spiral #it will get better but im not at the positivity place yet #it will get better but right now it fucking sucks and i am absolutely bone deep exhausted and tired of waking up #im in an ok place but i just need to be taken out of time for a bit #k.

[danggirlronpa]

My plans to move out have temporarily fallen through T_T I'll be back by the end of the month after I sort things out! I'll have to go on hiatus again later when I get another chance to move; I'll keep you guys updated.

#my boss. uh. gun violence tw #but essentially my boss implied hed shoot me if i ever accidentally came out and showed me that he always keeps a gun in arms reach #so im. obviously. not feeling super safe #and will be trying to separate myself in the next few weeks #and since i will no longer have a steady job i wont be able to keep up with rent & im gonna miss my chance on this place #it all sucks but its what it is!! anyway sorry for soapboxing #i need to think abt akane kissing girls again its good for my mental health #mod talks

[im2tired4usernames]

They stole any possible joy of motherhood I could have possibly wanted they stole my entire childhood they stole my teenage years my twenties and they continue to steal my future they won't be happy untill they've taken my whole life

#i hope your in fuckin hell you ugly cultist bitch i hope your getting what you deserve dad i hope karma hits you #i hope all your children grow up to hate you #quiverfull parents are monsters and they all deserve a place in hell #i hope my next life is that is a thing i get freedom and respect in my life #i hope they get a say in their life snd are well loved well rested and happy #im tired of being alive im so fuckin tired of my life #i cant die because there's wo many people who depend on me but fuck life sucks and it really is 100 because of my parents #i wish my future was actually reachable #i wish people would stop using me #i love my siblings i love spending time and caring for them #but i look at all my other siblings and my dad who fits in dates multiple times a week #who get jobs that pay that they enjoy they get hobbies they are responsible for themselves and only themselves they are starting families #they're getting to experience what it's like to be allowed to be a teen a 20 something a fuckin human person they go to concerts they sleep #when theyre tired they use their money for their own bills and wants and needs they get to go do things with they're partners as often as #they'd like to they get to EXPERIENCE LIFE WHILE I TAKE ON ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY #i want to be able to move in with my partner go in dates do things with friends get married write books draw get a job #i want to grow and change #they get to experience young adult life i get the adult responsibility but not the life experience or world knowledge or wisdom #I'm supposed to be the friendless sexless constant caretaker whos hobbies are dishes and vacuuming #that being said i cant make a future if no one is willing to make a move i cant be the only person trying to grow up #this includes my partner my siblings my dad they all need to make steps for our goals or we'll be stuck in a stagnant bullshit of 'someday' #constantly daydreamin about a future that'll never come i need to start making steps for it and i need other people to start making steps to #gwt ready to start growing up I'm not goin to let people keep holding me back forever my life is goin to fucking change or I'm goin to die

[bucephaly]

I love suddenly having absolutely Zero business with comms and just watching all my money trickle away 🙃

#no job and im not getting any comms and i kinda dunno what to do #groceries are so expensive and ill have to pay the power bill soon and i need to pay off my credit card before it starts getting interest #i have a con coming in a few months that ill need to be able to afford the up front for before i cant make any money vending #etc etc etc things are just kinda getting worse !! it sucks

[floral-hex]

Got a month’s prescription of klonopin. Wish I could find out how other people are affected by it, but all I find are posts about getting fucked up. I mean, I guess good for y’all, but not very helpful for me 🤷🏻‍♂️

#I’m about to take my first one in a bit #been trying to find actual reviews online that aren’t from people just partying #it suuuucks #okay first of the nurse was super sweet and nice BUT I ASKED FOR XANAX #I did NO research on klonopin so now I’m scrambling to build up the courage to take this stuff #I’m sorry. I’m not a big drug user. I’m paranoid about side effects #I just want to feel mellow and not as sad #I know this is for anxiety not depression but my new antidepressants aren’t in yet and I need SOME kind of relief #I kinda just sat and cried and freaked out in the car earlier so… wanna get on this before that hits again #I tried to go for a run this morning.. which… I can’t run. this body sucks and I have bad balance and it just feels bad #so instead I walked around the neighborhood for awhile. it was nice. so pretty. #it rained earlier so it was cool and dewy and peaceful #and I could hear the birds and felt peaceful for awhile #now I’m in this house and it’s OPPRESSIVE! #THIS WORLD IS SHIT PRISON IN ISOLATION GALAXY! #I went to Walgreens earlier and tried to see if I would be able to work in a place like that #trying to hear people talk while wearing hearing aids #it… wasn’t a hopeful trip. depressing. I want a job and to get out so bad #I need cash and I need to be around people #it’s just hard. trying to adjust. trying to see some hope. it’s rough. #I wish I could listen to music but it’s just noise now #and I can’t eat because nothing tastes good. it’s all dry and bland and I know I’m hungry #and being hungry makes my mental state worse but it’s hard to feel the need to eat #blegh whatever. gonna try some ramen and I got a Gatorade for the calories so we’ll see #sorry about the bitching #I appreciate if you actually read all of this #text

[anotherpapercut]

How would one find work at a library when they just...aren't qualified or don't have the relevant experience? I'd love to work at one but I don't have a relevant degree or experience in the field (mostly because they keep rejecting my applications and then ghosting me). I know if given the opportunity I could learn how to do the various jobs at a library, I just have trouble getting into the field without a degree.

people ask me this quite a bit and I really don't know what to say because I don't have an MLIS and neither do most of my coworkers. only like 1/10th of our employees have it honestly. I only have an associates degree in mathematics. and honestly, I'm really sorry to say, the only other way to get your foot in the door really is to volunteer. I volunteered at the library that I now work for A LOT as a teenager so I was able to use the librarians I got to know as references when I started applying to library jobs, and I was able to speak to my experiences working within the library

basically the only other thing is starting at the absolute bottom of the totem poll, which I also did even with my volunteer experience. this is usually going to be a library page position. pages are generally the lowest paid, most manual labor job because they reshelve returned books. so it's a lot of lifting and pushing tens or hundreds of pounds of books around all day

unfortunately there's nothing else I can really tell you, there's not really a magic key to working here. volunteering and having a clean record (like, don't apply if you have a bunch of fines on your account) are really the only ways to get ahead at all. even having an MLIS isn't gonna help you much these days without having any experience like that

#also this isnt to be mean to people who have it but library degrees are like waaaay overhyped and largely exist as a class barrier #because in order to get one you have to waste at least 4 years getting a completely irrelevant degree then be able to afford 2 more yrs #i kinda wouldnt recommend getting one til youve worked in an actual library for a while first to give some perspective #and id only do it if you have a specific library position in mind #please do not waste your time and money getting a degree just because you want to work in a library #you need to know what exactly you want to aim for because positions are few and far between #also one last little secret: working at a library reallllllly fucking sucks in A LOT of ways #i love what we do and i love my coworkers but i fucking hate my job lmao #MANY libraries across the country (including mine) are controlled by boards made up of local wealthy business people #and all of the higher ups are extraordinarily out of touch #pay is exceedingly low and it is A LOT of very hard work. its not sitting around reading all day #you have to deal with the public in ways that i promise you no amount of retail experience could ever prepare you for #which is why you have to really really want it. so many people quit within a couple years

[dredshirtroberts]

hey. hey universe. hey fucker universe.

no one said you could bring back the Wednesday Curse, bitch. fuck off with this shit i didn't need any of this first thing today.

#the Wednesday Curse is related to a span of about... almost 10 years of every single wednesday having something major go wrong #''major'' is a strong word but it would always feel big and afterwards would be when i would notice it was wednesday #it was a lot and i got very tired of it very quickly but it eventually stopped and i stopped noticing wednesdays #because they stopped being bad every single week #i would wake up on a wednesday bracing for whatever terrible news i would learn or whatever horrible thing would happen inevitably #and i stopped having to do that #my dreams lately have been absolutely horrific and last nights/this mornings was.... worse than usual in a way i wasn't anticipating that's #made me very very worried about a dear friend i can't easily reach out to and i'm doing my best at waiting patiently for a response #but it's hard and then the tire on the car exploded *again* so we're scrambling to figure out how to fix that and we've got a plan #and at least 3 butches on the job and it's going to be okay in the end but i have extreme car anxiety and tires going out is one of the mai #triggers for that and i'm just #i'm also still dealing with the tail end (hopefully) of an upper respiratory infection which makes all the crying i keep doing difficult #because i keep needing to hack my lungs out because breathing sucks rn even though i've had all my meds for it #and i'm just... it's just... anyway #i'm having a rough morning #but i am surrounded by people who are very lovely and care a lot and are willing and able to help with whatever they can #and that's helped a lot and it's just... i know i gotta wait patiently for resolution on things and i'm gonna do my best #to calm myself down and try to be less anxious but i'm only able to do that because of the love that surrounds me and it's a lot #it's all a lot and idk man #the spectre of my dad is doing his best to ruin it but he doesn't exist here in this space it's just a bad memory and no one is at fault

[newwave-lesbian]

guys i think i might be able to get my old job back yayyyy that means money but also i am going to throw up and pass out and cry every day but that's normal

#i am going to buy so much weed guys #and new clothes and new stuff for my room #yaaayyyy #but im just crossing my fingers that i can get the job again #boy do i need an income #but 8 to 5 really really sucks hahahahhaha rip me #but then i can draw at work or something #like as much as i hate it i'm mostly able to do other things #cuz it's boring as shit otherwise. #but also very anxiety provoking because idk how to react to anyone and everyone scares me #so i just try to dodge all social situations #lol i am just a phone operator. i should be able to be replaced by a robot #but nope #i do a robot job but then sometimes people over the phone are FREAKS #but luckily it's easy most times and pays alright so whatever. it will make me want to kms perhaps but thats normal #anyways if you're reading this whats up guys #i am in bed listing to prefab sprout on this fine night #yaayyyy

[highwaydiamonds]

starting a new job tomorrow (monday) morning and am feeling about 72 (million) different things all at once because of it

#scared - so scared i will mess this up too #scared no one will like me #scared i will not be good at this #afraid i will hate the job #what if something happens to make me late - like witht he car tomorrow #just - it's new and there are so many unknowns and i don't like unknowns - they're just SCARY #and i don't want to eat lunch alone and i feel like i'm going to be and rn it's not a comfortable alone - it will be in time i know #but rught now it doesn't feel like alone by choice - it feels like alone by dint of ew no one wants to eat lunch with you - which sucks #and my aunts - or one of them anyway sent congratulations to me via one of the people i live with - who are speaking to them more than i am #the last time the aunts corresponded with me - it was via text abd they basically did tough love intervention style texting #which - they had every right to say how they felt - and i think they were right about some things #but it also felt like they were kicking a puppy when it was down - and well - i was the puppy being kicked #so when i got the job and one of the friends i live with asked if i would call my aunt(s0 to tell them i said no #i know they love me but i'm not interested in putting myself in a position to feel lambasted again #you saying you're proud now doesn't mean much any more - i needed you to say that you loved me then #that you knew i was messing uo but that you loved me regardless and you knew i could do better - not the yelling at via text that i got #you don't get both - i can't handle both. so yes fine i know you love me but it's going to be from a distance #and i love you too in some kind of way - one that right now is hurt and sad because i don't think you care how i feel at all #but i am trying to do right and do better - and i don't want to do things from spite but #i admit there is a part of me that when i get to better place - i want to be able to say - no i'm not contacting them bc idgaf #but i also know that's not likely to be true and isn't kind and not how i realy want to live and be #and wow that really turned into one hell of an emo tangent #anyway - i'm stopping myself now - i got some catharsis there and i need to get ready for bed so i won't be a total mess in the AM #if anyone has actually read this all please wish me luck - i could use it #and i know i will have to make the luck on my own anyway #i just keep thiking of- what if i fall? but oh my darling what if you fly?