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bluemoonfantasiesiii · 2 years

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Rubedo voice lines

I’ve finally figured out some Ruby voice lines aside from teapot dialogue.

General Voice Lines

Hello

Hi there! I’m Rubedo, but you can call me Ruby for short. I’m really sorry about how we first met. I’m a lot more stable now, so I hope we can be friends!

Chat: Beauty

The world outside the mountain is so colorful!

Chat: Hunger

I’m getting hungry… Can we take a short lunch break?

When It Rains

It’s like a liquid flurry! Come on, let’s play in it!

When It Snows

The cold is so refreshing.

When the Sun Is Out

I think I see a rainbow!

Good Morning

It’s a new day full of new things to learn!

Good Afternoon

Lunch time! Can I help you cook this time? I’ll be careful with the fire!

Good Evening

The stars are starting to come out. I shouldn’t stay out too much longer.

Good Night

Sorry, I can’t keep myself awake now that the sun’s gone... *yawn* Good night.

About Rubedo: Nickname

I like my nickname! Apparently there’s a gemstone that’s also called ruby, so it makes me feel…pretty.

About Rubedo: Monster

The treasure hoarders and Fatui around Dragonspine have started seeing me as some kind of spooky spirit of the mountain~

About Us: Friends

The animals seem to really like you. If you have the time, would you mind helping me feed them? Hm? Of course it’s safe!

About Us: Feast (Friendship Level 6)

I’ve been practicing my cooking in my free time! If I had known how yummy a lot of things are when cooked, I would’ve been lurking closer to the base of the mountain looking for a Pyro whopperflower to split my food with me.

About Visions (Friendship Level 4)

So, humans need a special trinket to control the elements…? But Miss Mona says she doesn’t use her Vision to control Hydro… And you don’t have a Vision, either, but I’ve seen what you can do. And what about the Archons? This is so confusing! Can humans control the elements or can’t they??

Something to Share (Friendship Level 4)

So there are Electro whopperflowers in Inazuma? I guess that makes sense. They must have the prettiest purple petals! I’d love to meet one someday!

Interesting Things

Watching my Papa and my uncle create things, I started to feel a little left out. So one day, I was playing around with my Cryo abilities without really thinking about it, and before I knew it, there was a little bird made out of snow in front of me! So yeah, I can make ice sculptures!

About Family (Friendship Level 6)

Everyone in my family is so smart! Even Klee has her bombs! I know I’m still getting acclimated to being human, but I feel like I’m falling behind…

About Nigredo: Orders (Friendship Level 4)

Papa was pretty cold to me at first, and I was content to just do what he told me and follow my instincts. Now, he feels a lot warmer. I still worry about him, though…

About Nigredo: Salvation (Friendship Level 5)

If it weren’t for my Papa, I probably would’ve been taken out by some explorers by now, with no awareness of the bigger world around me or my real potential. I’m not ashamed to say what I am, but at the same time, I feel like he saved me from being just another whopperflower.

About Albedo (Friendship Level 4)

Uncle Albedo…scared me for a little while, but I understand why he had to hurt me back then. I think he’s being extra gentle with me now as a way of apologizing for that, even though I’ve told him that I forgive him. He’s really hard on himself…

About Klee (Friendship Level 4)

I have a really conflicting reaction to Klee. Her Pyro Vision makes me feel a little sluggish, but my instinct to mimic absorbs her energy and makes me all buzzy on the inside. It’s a weird feeling, but it’s so uniquely Klee, so I don’t mind it.

About Sucrose (Friendship Level 4)

She’s so nice! Sometimes, she gets bones that still have a little too much meat on them, so she lets me clean them off for her.

About Kaeya (Friendship Level 4)

Mister Kaeya takes some getting used to. He’s pretty hard to read. I can tell there’s something he’s hiding. He likes to act like he’s fine, but I can tell he’s not. I don’t want to pry, though. Whatever’s hurting him, it doesn’t seem like he wants to talk about it.

About Diluc (Friendship Level 4)

Mister Diluc? He feels like a warm hearth fire in the middle of a bad winter storm. I don’t know why everyone says he’s mean or broody. I don’t get that impression from him. He just seems like someone who’s been through a lot and doesn’t know how to deal with it.

About Barbara (Friendship Level 4)

I like singing with her! There was this one weird guy who kept following us, but I scared him away with my shapeshifting. Barbara tells me he hasn’t bothered her since!

About Razor (Friendship Level 4)

He’s very attuned to the animals of Mondstadt, just like me. He’s been helping me make friends with the wolves.

More About Rubedo I

Hm? You have questions for me? Okay! I’ll tell you as much as I can!

More About Rubedo II (Friendship Level 3)

What did I look like before Papa found me? Like any other Cryo whopperflower, I suppose. The pink I had in my petals when I met you was from the dragon’s blood Papa used to make me what I am now.

More About Rubedo III (Friendship Level 4)

I have a lot of trouble staying awake when there’s no sunlight. I do have some energy reserves for when I go cave exploring, but I can only go for so long until I drop. I am still a plant after all. That’s something I can’t change.

More About Rubedo IV (Friendship Level 5)

Whopperflowers usually confine ourselves to one area and don’t travel much, so we don’t really know much about the world outside of our little spaces. Before I left the mountain, I had no idea there were so many things that could come in colors other than white. I’ve talked to a few Pyros who didn’t even know what snow is!

More About Rubedo V (Friendship Level 6)

I’m not always a sweet little flower, you know. The treasure hoarders and Fatui agents on the mountain have turned me into an urban legend: The Doppelgänger of Dragonspine. If I see any of them getting too close to hurting someone, I mimic one of them and act like I’m gonna eat them! Now a lot of people think I’m some sort of spirit of the mountain~ But nope! I’m just a whopperflower with some perks!

Rubedo’s Hobbies

I like singing to the animals in my spare time. Sometimes my singing and dancing attracts people, too. I don’t mind, though! I like making new friends!

Rubedo’s Troubles

I wish I could figure out a way to stay up a little later. I only get to see the stars for a few minutes before I conk out for the night.

Favorite Food

I love meat! Especially now that know what cooked boar meat tastes like! There are so many things you can do with it, and they’re all super yummy!

Least Favorite Food

I’m mostly made up of Cryo energy, so I’m really bad at handling spicy food. It can even hurt my mouth if it’s too intense.

Birthday

Happy birthday! I didn’t know what to get you as a present, so for the whole day, I’ll help you out with whatever you need! If you don’t need help with anything, I can just keep you company. You’re always on your own. If you have a picture I can look at…I could even be your twin for the day. If that’s okay with you.

Feelings About Ascension: Intro

Whoa! So even a creature like me can do this?

Feelings About Ascension: Building up

I’ve been able to stay up a bit longer after the sun goes down. I think it’s because I’ve been spending so much time with humans.

Feelings About Ascension: Climax

Every day I feel less and less like an outsider. Being human is complicated and confusing, but I think that’s the point.

Feelings about Ascension: Conclusion

I think I get it now. To be human is to be constantly learning. About the world, about other people, even about yourself. Thank you for helping me become human.

Party Lines

Joining your party:

“Let’s go make some new friends!”

“What will you teach me today?”

“Time to play?”

Elemental Skill

Poisonous Petal

Rubedo channels his Cryo abilities in the shape of a flower to unleash a blast of cold, dealing AoE Cryo DMG

“Blooming blizzard!”

“Frozen flower!”

“Flourishing flurry!”

Elemental Burst

Mirror Mirror

Rubedo briefly destabilizes his form and calls forth several Arcane Fruits to take root in the ground and deal AoE Cryo DMG

“Time for my next meal!”

“Are you scared yet?”

“Fear the frost!”

Finding treasure:

“Ooh! So sparkly!”

“Can I eat these? Huh? I can’t?”

“How pretty!”

Light hit taken:

“That stung!”

“That wasn’t nice!”

Heavy hit taken:

“Meanie!”

“Stop it!”

Low HP:

“You’re not playing fair!”

“You’re really pushing it now!”

“You’re gonna regret this!”

Ally at low HP:

“I can take it from here!”

“I can feel you fading. Let me help!”

Fallen:

“Not again…”

“Papa… Uncle…”

“I’m sorry… I failed…again…”

#moon writes shit #genshin impact #rhinesons au #subject three #fellflower #rubedo #voice lines

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bokuaosubs · 9 months

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Nice to meet you. I’m Yagi Toa. (Yagi Toa 1st blog)

Thank you for taking a look at this blog.

It’s nice to meet you。！

I’m Boku ga Mitakatta Aozora’s Yagi Toa. Please watch over me.

I never thought that, one day, I would be the one writing the blog instead of being the one reading it, so this is kind of a strange feeling. (*´꒳`*) I’m a little bit nervous…

Since it’s so nice to meet you [and this is my first blog], please allow me to introduce myself!!

◯ Name: Yagi Toa The origin of the name ‘仁愛’ [here, read as ‘Toa’] is, It seems that the kanji ‘仁’ means ‘compassion and kindness’ [and ‘愛’ means love] So, my mother told me that I was given this mame in hopes of growing up to be a person who is considerate and loved by many people。！

However, if you take just a glance at it, you won’t be able to read it the way you’re supposed to、。(￣^￣)

I’m from Tokyo, I’m 16-years-old and I’m a freshman in high school! My favourite food is ramen, and my favourite type of ramen has to be tonkotsu (pork bones) ramen because of its [rich] flavor.

As of late, I once more came to the realization of just how delicious my grandma’s vermicelli [both a type of pasta similar to spaghetti and also used to describe various types of thin noodles from Asia] salad is。、、！ So I can state that I like vermicelli salad too. (I even fight with my grandpa over it、、)

My favorite colours are light blue and blue, and I have always liked cold colours.

I’m indecisive, as well as not very organized, yet my blood type is type A. People often remark ‘That’s surprising!’.

My favourite seasons have to be spring and fall. The temperatures in those seasons make me feel really comfortable.

My boom [something that has recently become a habit/particularly trendy to her] as of late is to collect the toys from フエラムネ (Fueramune) [round candy that is ramune soda flavoured, with each candy having a little hole that allows you to whistle through it]!! I also like trying out different gacha.

Anyway, I like lots of things, and once I feel like I truly like something, I want to collect things related to it and pursue it as much as I can。！ (For example, I will eat food I like until I get tired of it and start to dislike it。、)

I wonder what’s left to say、、

Oh! Also, I’ve been learning to dance since I was 4 years old, so I’d say I’m pretty good at dancing!

Hmmm, that aside、、、

When it comes to introducing yourself, it’s hard to figure out what to write about, isn’t it、、、。

You may be surprised to learn how little you know about yourself。、

I hope to eventually discover more things about my own personality through our future activities。！

Being an idol was a dream that I had longed for, without telling anybody about it, and there were times when I thought that it was an out of character dream for me to have and I wanted to give up, but I still couldn’t find myself actually giving up, So I thought that if I failed this audition, I would, at last, leave this dream behind, so I decided to give it one final shot.

That’s why I feel a little bit like it was fate [to get accepted].

But, to be honest, I still lack many of the attributes needed as an idol、、、

I am clumsy and negative, and I feel now more than ever that it’ll take a tremendous amount of effort and time to make up for what I’m lacking in.

However, I hope that someday I’ll become a wonderful idol who can inspire hope and excitement to someone, the same [way I’ve received those feelings from idols in the past]. I will do my best to eventually become a person who could make those who support me feel happy to do so.

And, one day, much like the endless blue sky, we would like to grow step by step, while aiming to become a group that could be loved by many people for a long time, receiving such great, everlasting love that wouldn’t have an end in sight。！！

I have talked quite a lot about this distant ‘someday’. But I truly have SO many dreams that I want to make come true together with this group!

The members are all really kind, cute and charming, and I hope to be able to convey the great qualities of every one of the members, everyday, to as many people as possible.

All 23 of us will do our best to achieve these dreams, and I hope that you will warmly watch over us and lend us your support.

Finally, since this is important, I’d like to post a photo of Aoi-chan and I, taken during the filming of the member introduction video! (*’▽’*)

I hope to get to post lots of pictures with everyone in the group as I keep updating the blog in this way!!

Well then! I think that’s it for today。！

Thank you very much for reading all this way and thanks for your support!!。

That’s all for today’s Yagi Toa!

[TL by: yuzuiro]

#blogs #1st blog #yagi toa #tl by yuzuiro

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apieceofconsciousness · 1 year

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I made a stupid fucking caption about friends here that I never ended up liking because I couldn't word it properly so I wrote this

All of my memories are through photos and videos of these friends and maybe I’ll remember them fully someday. I sit on my bed eating a cheesecake and it is 1:16. I think about how I was 14. I am 17 now, i’ll be 18 in a few months. I try to imagine how my mind and thinking has changed in only half a year and it still escapes me. I’m grateful for it but i’m scared of acknowledging how different it was from my first year at high school.

i worry my brain will break doing all of this. But i take it in stride, and i’m not stupid. My brain is changing because i am growing, because of the summer, and because of me. I think differently and it’s something i grieve.

I can see the people around me getting addicted. Trying new things and not letting go, going for more, looking at more in the future. I realize my hypocrisy, but i know i’ve developed a discipline, kind of. i just hope they’re all ok.

some people i haven’t seen in a while and i miss them and i worry they hate me because i was busy for the last month and now i’m fucking things up and overthinking daily and fuck therapy better work when it starts because therapy in my own head is brutal and confusing and complicated and tiring and i’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. I can’t hold myself up and the season is changing. I don’t know what to do. I’ll be fine in the end like i have been before but not knowing how makes everything such an ache, a burden on top of being a burden.

I was more hopeful about the future 2 months ago. and it approaches and my crystal clear plan blurs into nothing more than an afterthought and every time i’m reminded of it i panic and i panic and for fuck’s sake i wish i could ask for help better. i wish i had learned to speak up for it.

I have school in 7 hours and i am 17. the semester just changed and i am in grade 12, my life isn’t over after high school, contrary to what i believed in elementary. I wish peace for myself and i work towards peace with my mental wounds but i can’t seem to fully get there yet, sometimes i question if this good day will last forever and then i sit down, and think.

i wish i was better for my partner, she doesn’t need my overthinking with her exhilarating and fast brain, but i know that she’s locked in at this point and we’ll figure it out.

maybe someday i’ll remember the face in the mirror fully, until then i look at them as if i’m encountering an old friend and look away just the same, because i know things have changed. my face is different, i was 7 and i couldn’t look out my bathroom window, i was 13 and i could, i am 17, and my house is changed. i don’t have a bathroom window and my walls are grey. the vent is falling out of the ceiling and i’m too forgetful to just screw it back in. my curtains don’t have designs that the child me would find faces out of, and my sink is more reflective of me, and not who i wish i would become.

i am 17. and i will be 18. and then i will mourn this age like i’ve mourn the last, and hopefully i will find peace, though i’m afraid i’ve found peace in this grievance. i love life but i hate mine, and my reasons for it getting foggy every day. i must learn to forgive myself, and i hope that will come. i need to let go, and i thought that had to come from blocking some accounts on social media, but i think i’m at peace with that, as i’ve written what i hope stands as a true summary of my feelings for a long time. i love my life, but i hate myself, i love the ability to observe people and culture and places and thoughts and expressions and beauty in so many forms, but i hate myself because i can’t do math or sit still in a chair or not focus with headphones.

maybe i’m a wreck, maybe that is what the later years of growing up is. I was scared that growing up would be boring, or that it would be great and go too quick, but i didn’t know i should’ve been scared that it would’ve been painful.

i hope the peace i long for finds me, and i hope the friends i can co-exist with stay close with me. i wish i was better at expressing the love i have and i hate that the people closest to me are the hardest ones to show my gratitude to, it’s my fault for my racing mind.

I have school in 6 hours, and i remember how my schedule was so different a year ago, how i thought i ruled a different part of the city, and where i bussed everywhere. i’m happy for my partner’s car, and she knows it, just as much as she knows i miss my board. i’m alive because of her. i really would’ve done it. this winter was going to be shit. or maybe i wouldn’t have, i pull back on everything last minute.

i understand why my friends love flowers and their friends and cats and oranges and unheard of niche games and the colour green, but a green somewhere in the spectrum of olive and forest green, closer to forest, and skateboarding and live concerts and music and books and poetry and god i hate that my mind was only aware and not obsessed with these things, these building blocks of my psyche and push me through every single day, i hope to whatever god that someday i’ll be able to express myself in the way only i ever want to and that i’m financially good enough for me and my mom since she puts up with my stupid ass and that my girlfriend stays there with me the whole time and that i get my creative outlets into the world and i hope that one day i wake up satisfied with my achievements, and that i continue afterwards.

i must learn to love myself, but until then i will love my friends the way i wish i could turn it inwards, and maybe it’ll help someone, and that’ll be worth it. i feel most like myself when i’m not doing good, and that’s ok, i’ve started to feel an odd comfort in feeling like myself even if the circumstances aren’t ideal.

i am older now, wiser, i have much more wisdom to gain, and i am appreciative of the good people in my life, i believe learning this early is important and i’m proud i work on it.

i am 17, and the promise of tomorrow calls me to rest tonight.

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willowlillysunnyday · 1 year

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what years of unmasking looks like

I, like many others during COVID-19, realised that something wasn’t quite right. I’d been struggling for years, trying to figure out what was going on with me mentally, having formal diagnoses of social anxiety and depression. But living by myself for three whole months, barely seeing anyone for such a long amount of time, really put things into perspective for me. If you, dear reader, by some miracle, haven’t experienced solitude as I and many others have, then allow me to take you on a journey of how I figured out that I have autism.

I was always the weird kid in school; I sat by myself, daydreamed in class, and had a too-specific interest in astronomy. Mrs Russell always gave me detention for zoning out in class, Thai would always tell me to go away once I got too annoying to hang out with her, and Aisha and Lauren would follow me around and call me a ‘lezbyund’. It’s like they all knew something I didn’t, and looking back on it now, they probably did. ‘Don’t do that,’ was a lesson I recalled too many times.

I suppressed as much of my behaviour as I could, learning what was and wasn’t acceptable to others with each passing year. I told no one of my obsessions with Minecraft and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, swallowed back any out-of-place thoughts threatening to bubble out, and kept myself at a distance from others lest the mask slip. And it did slip, on many occasions actually, and each time I’d feel the sting of awkward silences and the disturbed ‘Okayyyy’s. I even feel ashamed to remember keeping the mask up around my best friend, thinking that she, too, would reject me if she saw what I was really like.

(Rachel, you were silly, she’s just as cooky as you, and you literally live together now.)

Looking back on it now, school kids are assholes. Things change once you enter a more diverse, adult world; sexuality, gender expression, nationality, and disability. These, however, were all turbo-charged by the time COVID-19 hit its peak. Early 2021, I’m not only realising that I don’t feel like a girl, but all the learned behaviours I’d built up over the years were all starting to crumble. I’d have a set routine, I talked to myself often, and vocal and physical stims started to come out. While completely alone for three months, I also felt the freest. No one was around to tell me I was weird for chirping on the way to get snacks from the fridge, no one could look at me funny for rubbing at my nose when I got excited, and no one could judge me for how I chose to dress and do my makeup. I accumulated hyper focuses on Pokémon, Stardew Valley, Miraculous Ladybug, and then reawakened my obsession with Voltron from 2017. The mask was finally gone and I could be who I wanted to be; both in how I understood my gender but also where I was at mentally.

Fast forward two years, and I’ve been identifying as a genderqueer autistic since those three lonely months. As expected, the mask went up again once I moved to a new town, but there’s not a lot of pressure to keep it up as long. I learned quickly that my best friend, her boyfriend, and our old flatmate were all so similar, nothing was ever truly weird or annoying, and I never get a warning tingle of ‘don’t do that’ but I’ll admit some stims have yet to make an appearance. My current workplace is so accepting and supportive, even if I literally have a meltdown on shift but I’m glad that I feel safe enough there to do so. The old me would have bottled it up and let it get worse until I exploded.

(The first time I had a meltdown on shift, that was exactly what happened.)

I allow myself to feel upset when my routines are broken, I allow myself distance when I feel overwhelmed, and I allow those I’m close with to know what they can do to help. I would like to get a formal diagnosis; maybe someday when it’s more physically and financially accessible to do so. For now, I know my mind, I know how it works, I do my best to keep it in check where need be, and I know where I can let it run free. Since my rebirth two years ago, I’m different from the child who hid away behind a crude imitation of ‘normal’ to evade rejection. Sure, I still feel that sting, but who really gives a shit y’know?

#sunny speaks #autism #adhd #depression #social anxiety #article #journal #informal essay #about me #genderqueer #non-binary #LGBT #optimism #unmasking #masking

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iusedtobeapieceofconsciousness · 1 year

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I made a stupid fucking caption about friends here that I never ended up liking because I couldn't word it properly so I wrote this

i wish i was better for my partner, she doesn’t need my overthinking with her exhilarating and fast brain, but i know that she’s locked in at this point and we’ll figure it out.

i am older now, wiser, i have much more wisdom to gain, and i am appreciative of the good people in my life, i believe learning this early is important and i’m proud i work on it.

i am 17, and the promise of tomorrow calls me to rest tonight.

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snowflakesnsundry · 1 year

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There’s a certain level of connection and emotional investment required to write any character well. Loki, in my opinion, is not a character that is easily written. He is complex, guarded, and often contradicts himself. Even so, you have captured his essence with this story. You explore his nuances and show glimpses of his hidden qualities in a way that is characteristic of Loki (for better or worse). You understand who Loki is. ❤️

Now for some specific favorites:

I love that you nodded to the snake story (it’s one of my favorite parts of Ragnarok!)

It’s easy to understand when and why Loki is masking around others.

The protagonists personality is a great blend of her parents. She clearly takes after her father, but I think she has much more of her mother in her than she realizes. It will be interesting to see if she acknowledges and develops that side of herself (considering everything that’s happened and what lies ahead)

Baldur! Frustrating, infuriating, smug, vicious, strategic… I could go on. Very well done😅

I’m anxious to see when/how the prejudice towards Jotunheim and the frost giants effects future events. It feels like she’s had so many clues but hasn’t put 2&2 together. Then again each clue has been spaced far enough apart that it’s easy to see why the connection hasn’t been made yet.

I’ve got a pretty big conspiracy theory about their conversation re: seiðr but I’m probably reaching so I’ll spare you the chaos of my mind labyrinth 🤣

Sorry, this turned out to be much longer than I intended!

Anyway, I hope you’re feeling better. I just wanted to let you know what I appreciate about your work (specifically).

I… Anon, I cannot say thank you enough. Writing has been my joy my whole life, and before I started this fic I had been stuck in a stage of my life where I had lost faith in my ability to do so. The fact that you have cared enough about what I have written to convey this level of detail and insight into the story strikes me to my absolute core- and again, I cannot thank you enough. At the risk of over sharing- the reason I adore writing Loki is because I relate to him perhaps a little too well. I grew up the child of a very visible public figure, and felt as if I never quite lived up to expectations. I had one parent who was gentler with me, and we shared a love of writing through which we connected. With my other parent, their anxieties and fears for my future often left us at odds, and I felt as if they strongly preferred my siblings. I always fell short of what they wanted me to be, and so I largely drew inward. In highschool, the former parent passed away, and it broke a part of me. I reacted by engaging in increasingly self destructive behaviors, and withdrew from everyone else. Eventually, I was fortunate enough to meet someone (a tutor) who helped me advocate for myself and ask to go to therapy; they helped me not just internalize everything anymore. I learned what parts of me were different, and why I often felt I fell short- and fortunately have been able to get a lot of help with it Unlike loki, over time I grew much closer to my family, and have been able to fully settle into my own (mostly)- and its something I hope his character finds as well. Watching the TV series was something that made me feel like, maybe, there was a realistic chance for me to find some sort of healthy relationship with someone someday- despite all the imperfect parts of me. Because someday, I will find someone who understands those things too. Anyway, for those reasons- and others- your comment and your kindness made me cry. That was something i seriously needed <3 If you see this, I beg you- send me your conspiracy theory. I too live in a constant mind labyrinth, and I would love to see yours. Also, new chapter is now up :P Again- Thank you. https://archiveofourown.org/works/33865711/chapters/109025235

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oddfleur · 2 years

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9/6/2022 9:15 PM

i’m late! whoops. had too much fun over the weekend with friends to think, let alone write about anything introspective.

it’s not entirely over yet, but it’s been a transformational summer, full of death and dissipation (both literally and not). death of family, unhealthy attachments, and previous beliefs/comfort zones. and a whole lot of grieving nonlinearly for those things. but most importantly, it has felt purposeful. with any kind of death comes regeneration. i did not want any of the changes that came my way when they did and even tried to reject them, but i’m so appreciative of them now. i feel closer to myself. i feel one step closer to the person i want to be. i feel better equipped for whatever comes next. i feel incredibly grateful for those close to me. i feel genuinely happy for things that i never thought i could. i feel a sense of clarity after giving up on trying to force it out of anything. something i always find myself wondering is if people are changed entirely by one small change. like adding a tiny amount of black to blue paint. or do people stay generally the same because no matter how many changes are made, a person will always contain the old versions of themselves and can never fully be anyone else. i think i believe that both are true depending on perspective, and that perspective determines regeneration. i know someday the cycle will repeat and i’ll probably have to learn this lesson over again in a more complex way, but i feel free for now. i feel a little less shame and lot more connected to what really matters to me.

i feel truly happy for release. i feel happy for the reunion of my exemplary great grandparents. i feel happy for everyone who is moving on everyday incrementally, understanding and reconfiguring pain. i feel happy for growing (up) and learning. i feel more accepting of the likelihood of falling behind and picking back up. i feel more secure in myself. i love my desire to make it better. i love that i don’t have to perfect anything. i love that i’m taking my sweet time and feeling what needs to be felt. i feel so much love for so much and it hurts me to not honor that and be loud about it. i can identify that i can be a very negative influence when i feel scared, but it does the opposite of protecting me from anything, so i’m working toward neutrality and at the very least not withdrawing. i’m figuring it out.

1. Pools - Glass Animals (shake my little soul for youuuuu)

2. The Whole of the Moon - The Waterboys

3. McKenzie - Houndmouth

4. Don’t Worry About the Government - Talking Heads

5. the mystic - Nilüfer Yanya

6. Whatever Fits Together - Skullcrusher

7. Which Witch - Florence and the Machine

8. Ignore Tenderness - Julia Jacklin

9. Medicine Burn - Yves Tumor

10. TWIRL - Whitney

<3 p.s.

0 notes

the-banished-mind · 2 years

Text

08/20/22 - 4:01PM

i guess i may as well make a post christening this latest ill-fated project of mine. i feel like hey, journaling might help my mental health but my stupid hands are too weak to write long with a pen and i have a lot of shit i wanna say to get out of my brain. and then i get the bright idea of creating a journal online that i can type in instead, but using tumblr so i can post photos, instead of using a google doc.

ill-fated because i’m 90% sure i’ve already tried this. i have a personal blog so why do i need another? just write on there, right? but what if someone i need to vent about finds it because they’re following me? oh the horror.

so i have this thing instead. spent over a day trying to customise it for literally no reason because again, i’m prolly gonna give up after like, a week. every time i create a blog i end up vanishing from it because SessionBox doesn’t work and i can’t have multiple accounts open at once, so you log into one and then the others are out of sight out of mind.

but whatever. i might as well use it while i have it. um...

i dunno why but i’ve been even more in the dumps than usual lately. i think because the slew of distractions i’ve created for myself while i recover from top surgery are beginning to lose steam, as well as the fact i’m getting closer and closer to having to go back to work which i’m definitely not looking forward to, really.

so that results in my brain going on a downspiral. i miss ziggy. i miss zoya. i’m pissed off at the government, pissed off at corporations, pissed off at myself. i feel hopeless about the future and don’t see much of a point in it, and if i think too much about it, it starts to make me panicky...

[taking a step away to do other stuff, will finish this later.]

[back to work on it a bit longer before i go outside; currently it’s 1:09PM on 8/21/22]

but yeah. i hate thinking about the future because one, i don’t see much of one for me, and two, ‘the future’ means ‘losing more loved ones’ and ‘things changing’ and i hate all of that. i dont want to think of or prepare for loved ones passing away or leaving me, any more than i want to focus too long on losing zoya. i keep thinking that i’m dealing with her passing away super well, but then i realise no, i’m not, what i’m doing is frantically distracting myself in any way possible so that i don’t have to think about it.

because if you don’t think about something or ignore something’s existence, then it didn’t happen/isn’t happening, right? because that’s how the world works.

except it doesn’t, and i KNOW that i’m setting myself up for an even worse breakdown when inevitably, my brain can’t continue distracting itself properly, and everything i’ve been burying down in the “If I Ignore It It Doesn’t Exist” area caves in. it’ll be so much worse because i’m not actually confronting and learning to cope with or at least go through all the worst fallout with so many issues.

i think what pisses me off most is that i’m AWARE of this. i KNOW i’m setting myself up for a bigger mess than it needs to be, and yet i can’t seem to figure out how to allow myself to deal with it the way i should.

and all of that just culminates in me refusing to think about the future, for many of the same reasons, outside of a near-constant black cloud of dread that i’m wasting my life, and even if i have a chance of making something of myself, i’m not taking the steps to and as such am just fucking myself over.

i want to at least TRY to be an actor, try to get into film and television and maybe writing on the side. i want to move to vancouver, canada, both because it’s not the US and because if i move there i’ll be closer to both more film/television opportunities and the actors i hope to maybe someday be friends with. i want to find a job that i can at least stomach AND make enough money to survive on without wanting to kill myself or have a mental breakdown every other day over. i want to learn how to do so many things.

but when i even think about all the steps it’ll take to get to any of those conclusions, i start to balk.

[going outside, i’ll come back later]

[4:09PM, 8/21/22, back again]

like. let’s go into it here for starters, and acknowledge that this is probably only half of the list of things i’ll need to do.

so for me to get into acting, i have a list of shit i have to get done first. i need to either get to a point with my body where i am okay with it OR learn to kick my insecurities; i need to stop being afraid of getting stage fright; i need to stop letting myself hold myself back because of dumb shit like “I’m too old now” or “what if I’m not actually good at it”. after all the mental gymnastics is settled, I most likely have to go take theatre classes or acting classes, or at the very least find a good “beginners’ place” to start putting my feet back into the water. then if i’m specifically focusing on television/film, i’m gonna need some sort of an actor’s reel, so i’ll have to find things - probably voice acting work or student films - nearby i can do some work with. then i have to start an actor’s reel. then i have to figure out how to find auditions for things, and then make sure i’m at a point where i can afford/manage to get a hold of whatever i need to find auditions, and THEN i most likely will have an easier time getting auditions if i hire an agent - which means i have to figuer out that process, then find an agent i jive with, THEN set all that up.

writing is a less strenuous aspect in that i don’t have as many steps i need to take for that, but it’s still an ordeal simply because writing in my state is an ordeal. no matter how excited i get over an idea or how determined i am to sit down and write on a regular basis, i can’t seem to get anything to stick for long. so i need to figure out how to one, get a routine together that works for whatever place in life i’m at at the time, and two, get over the mental roadblock of feeling like i’m a shitty writer or stressing too much about whether it’s ‘good’, and then three, work on my mental health to at least a point where i can actually FOLLOW said routine without just giving up due to depression fog, fatigue, ADHD distraction, or whatever else. THEN i have to actually plot out, outline, write, edit, and rewrite an actual work. THEN i have the process, most likely, of sending out query letters, searching for a publisher, advertising it once it actually (if it actually) gets accepted, and then probably even more advertising and whatever else publishing requires.

[sigh. i’m leaving AGAIN. i’ll be back.]

[back again probably for the last time. 7:25PM, 8/21/22]

now the moving thing. i don’t even know how to BEGIN going about that. so i guess to start with i need to find someone who can walk me through the steps, or find resources some place that are easy enough for me to understand, and then start whatever that undoubtedly lengthy process is. i’m almost certainly going to need to go back to school; either to start off by getting a student’s visa or whatever OR to try and get qualified for a job Canada will see as ‘useful’ because they only allow people to immigrate if they have some sort of job that would be beneficial to the country from what i hear. so on paper yeah, that looks like two steps, but they’re two broad steps with dozens of little ones and a whole lot of stress and commitment under the surface. and there’s no promise i even WOULD manage to get to live there. maybe they wouldn’t accept me. also, i’m not sure how i’ll handle being away from my mom that long. one reason i’m hoping for vancouver is because it’s still a decent distance away from Seattle, i could drive down for visits as often as i was able, but like... still.

also i’ll have to figure out a job that will let me earn enough to have my own place up there too. god only knows if the acting/television/film would work out - and befriending actors i’m hoping to get to know is even more of a slim chance.

finding a job that both lets me earn enough money to survive AND is tolerable almost seems impossible. i don’t even know how to go about doing that. i’ve been trying for years. i thought [redacted] would be a good option but management is unbearable there. i know management sucks everywhere but i swear to god it’s even more unbearable where i’m at. and i’m still not getting a living wage.

it seems like the only chance i have of getting a job i can both handle and survive on is most likely either a job that requires a bachelor’s degree - which is its own struggle - or like... somehow lucking out as an intern and then employee at some office building or big ole corporation. or i have to learn a new skill like IT. or i have to somehow get my body to a point where physical jobs are an option. all things that are again, seemingly one step but have a billion smaller steps underneath. and it’s part of why i’m so full of hopelessness for the future - if i can’t even find a job that i can work at without breaking down AND make enough money to live in even a place with roommates, then where the fuck will i end up eventually?

then all the learning stuff... i wanna learn how to play guitar, how to draw, how to skateboard, how to sing, how to (properly) act and do filmmaking, and learn to dance - how will i ever find time and energy enough for all of that when i can barely manage to scrape up enough energy and time to work a part time job that doesn’t pay enough?

and even beside all that, there’s so much i want to do in general; so many books i want to read, games i want to play, films and shows i want to watch, music i want to listen to - i want to go out to parties, and actually make friends, and i want to explore cities and the woods and go horseback riding and learn to ride/buy a motorbike and go bar-hopping and go to concerts and the theatre and to coffeeshops. there’s so much i want to do and so many places i want to go and how will i ever be able to afford any of it, much less find time and energy to do it? i want to so badly but i don’t know how.

i don’t know. you can see why i’m feelnig so hopeless, i’d imagine, my friend. and i hate it. i wanna be excited for my future but when it looks like my future holds nothing at all, it’s difficult to find the ability to be.

i’m done with this entry, it’s taken far too long and IS far too long. i’ll come back soon probably.

mikey out

#journal entry 1

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luckynumberg · 2 years

Text

Why are you alive?

"Two people who dont even like each other anymore got horny."

"To make my friend suffer."

"Because the universe started out with a lot of parts and they came together over billions of billions of years and gained sentience and allowing them to be self conscious and able to preserve their life and the universe. Life making life."

To prove old me wrong.

"I'm alive so I can be a tether for other people, to show that even if you're in the darkest most hollow abyss someone will to be there to help pull you back out."

"To give my body back to the earth once it’s fully matured."

"Because someone has to feed my dog and let her out, and hopefully soon to give my girlfriend all the smooches she deserves."

"I don’t really know why I’m alive, I don’t really care about my life. As I don’t matter to me, I need something to matter, and that is the people in my life. I live just to bring other people up, and that is what I am best equipped to do. I spend all of my time learning and developing as much as I can, and just having experiences with other people. I exist to teach, give people good memories, help them develop and live through their struggles, and keep meaningful relationships. I’ve excused the most heinous things for the sake of my goal to bring others to be the best they can be. My life otherwise has been sorta arbitrary and meaningless. I am not here. I really don’t have to be alive, but someone needs to be the person to be the good in the world. Someone has to help, and it might as well be me, I guess."

Because, even with all the bullshit, I don't know what happens tomorrow.

"I was bullied a lot when I was younger. For the longest time. I've had teachers who belittled me and did not help my self esteem. I didn't grow up the richest kid on the planet, but I we had enough. My parents worked their asses off to give me a good childhood, and I got it... kind of. 23 almost 24 years old and I'm loving myself for the first time. I have wonderful, amazing friends, a best friend who I call my sister, a partner who loves me wholeheartedly, and two parents who love and support me for who I am (furry, gay, weeb, video game lover and dnd player. They support it all). I am alive because I want to make people smile. For the longest time, all I've ever wanted to do is to help. To be kind to others. I want to make my friends feel loved and appreciated. The world needs more kindness and all it ever takes is a compliment. I am alive because I want to move in with my partner someday. I want to meet my friends in person. To meet people I look up to. To travel to China or Hawai'i. I want to someday turn to my younger self and tell her it's okay. That all that bullshit you're going through will pay off in the end. That's what I live for."

"Suppose I’m alive just to be here, after all attempts to not be here have failed. Must be some reason I’m here even if I can’t figure it out and continue to stay alive in pain. Just alive till it’s decided that I’m able to leave everything, which I’m sure won’t be anytime soon, so for now I’ll continue to be here for friends and family even if they don’t appreciate it in the end. I assume that’s why I’m alive."

"I haven't died yet I suppose"

"Spite. The abysmally absurd amount of spite is keeping me immortal."

"By some very random and wildly unlikely chance of dust forming & forming this particularly flavored consciousness. To perpetually wonder why I exist in this society, as my true nature is dust. To make art true to my dustform, sharing life’s universal joy and pain with my also incredibly unlikely dustcommunity. To be an embodied expression of my unique dustmakeup in all its existential grief and burning glory. To help other dustbeings feel less alone amid this painful blissful livingdust heaven/hell. To die and return to dust having attempted the inconceivable task of being livingdust to the best of my ability."

"Because there are some people worth living for."

"Why? Because naturally all people should live as long as this world let us (when to die is not our choice. In most cases.). And about what for do I live: even though this world never was nor completely safe nor completely fair, it still has some beautiful people and interesting things that are worth living for."

"Spite and the power of being unbelievably sexy. Next question."

"It's 'cause my parents decided to fuck back in march of '99. And now I'm here."

"Probably a healthy dose of fear of death."

"Why not?"

I'm alive to answer this question!

0 notes

myfanwymusings · 3 years

Photo

TAYLOR SWIFT / FEARLESS (TAYLOR’S VERSION)

These lyrics are from Taylor Swift’s 2021 re-recording of her 2008 sophomore album, Fearless. These lyrics may be modified to better fit roleplay purposes. Please note: every track from the new album has been included, except Love Story (Elvira Remix) and Forever & Always (Piano Version) due to their lyrics being duplicates of lyrics already in the album elsewhere.

FEARLESS

There's something 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained

I'm trying so hard not to get caught up

You're just so cool

I don't know how it gets better than this

With you I'd dance In a storm in my best dress

I wanna stay right here

I'm not usually this way

You pull me in and I'm a little more brave

FIFTEEN

Take a deep breath and walk through the doors

Try to stay out of everybody's way

You know, I haven't seen you around before

When you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them

When someone tells you they love you, you’re going to believe them

We'll be outta here as soon as we can

All you wanted was to be wanted

All I wanted was to be wanted

Back then, I swore I was gonna marry him someday

I realized some bigger dreams of mine

I've found time can heal most anything

I didn't know who I was supposed to be

I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

LOVE STORY

We were both young when I first saw you

Hello

Stay away from Juliet

I’m begging you, please don't go

Please don't go.

Take me somewhere we can be alone

All there's left to do is run

You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess

It’s a love story, baby just say yes.

Baby, just say yes.

We're dead if they knew

They're trying to tell me how to feel

This love is difficult, but it’s real

Don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out of this mess

I got tired of waiting

My faith in you is fading

I’ve been so alone

I keep waiting for you but you never come

Is this in my head?

I don’t know what to think

Marry me, Juliet

You’ll never have to be alone

I love you, and that’s all I really know

I talked to your dad

Go pick out a white dress

HEY STEPHEN

I know looks can be deceiving

I know I saw a light in you

I didn't say half the things I wanted to

You might have me believing I don't always have to be alone

I can't help it if you look like an angel

I wanna kiss you in the rain

Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you

I can't help it if there's no one else

I can’t help myself

I've been holding back this feeling, so I got some things to say to you

I never seen nobody shine the way you do

I've seen it all, so I thought

I think you and I should stay the same

Why aren't you here tonight?

I could give you fifty reasons why I should be the one you choose

All those other girls, well, they're beautiful but would they write a song for you?

WHITE HORSE

Say you're sorry

That face of an angel comes out just when you need it to

I honestly believed in you

This ain't a fairytale

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down

Maybe I was naive, got lost in your eyes

I didn't know to be in love that you had to fight to have the upper hand

I had so many dreams about you and me

I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well

YOU BELONG WITH ME

She's going off about something that you said

She doesn't get your humor like I do

What you're looking for has been here the whole time

Why can't you see that you belong with me?

I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be

You've got a smile that could light up this whole town

Hey, isn't this easy?

You say you're fine but I know you better than that

I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night

All this time how could you not know?

Have you ever thought just maybe you belong with me?

BREATHE (FEAT. COLBIE CALLAIT)

None of us thought it was gonna end that way

People are people and sometimes we change our minds

It's killing me to see you go after all this time

I don't know what to be without you around

We know it's never simple

You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

I can't breathe without you, but I have to

I never wanted this, I never wanna see you hurt

Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

It's 2 A.M, feeling like I just lost a friend

TELL ME WHY

You might think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not

You took a swing, I took it hard

Down here from the ground I see who you are

I'm sick and tired of your attitude

I'm feeling like I don't know you

You tell me that you love me, then cut me down

You know you got a mean streak

I remember what you said last night

I know, that you see, what you're doing to me

You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day

I'm sick and tired of your reasons

I got no one to believe in

You tell me that you want me, then push me around

Why do you have to make me feel small?

Why do you have to put down my dreams?

YOU’RE NOT SORRY

I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down

It's taken me this long, baby, but I've figured you out

You're thinking we'll be fine again, but not this time around

You don't have to call anymore

This is the last straw

I don't wanna hurt anymore

You can tell me that you're sorry but I don't believe you, baby, like I did before

You're not sorry

I might believe you if I didn't know

I could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

You've got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know

You used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade

THE WAY I LOVED YOU

I couldn't ask for anything better

You look beautiful tonight

I feel perfectly fine

I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain

It's 2AM and I'm cursing your name

I never knew I could feel that much

You're so in love that you acted insane

He can't see the smile I'm faking

My heart's not breaking cause I'm not feeling anything at all

FOREVER & ALWAYS

Were you just kidding?

I don't feel welcome anymore

Baby, what happened?

He still hasn't called

You feel so low you can't feel nothing at all

I was there when you said forever and always

Was I out of line?

Did I say something way too honest?

I thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure

Where is this going?

Did you forget everything?

I don’t think so

You didn't mean it

THE BEST DAY

I don't know why all the trees change in the fall

You're not scared of anything at all

I know I had the best day with you today

How my friends could be so mean?

I don't know who I'm going to talk to now at school

I have an excellent father, his strength is making me stronger

You're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world

I know you were on my side even when I was wrong

I didn't know if you knew

CHANGE

I believe in whatever you do

I'll do anything to see it through

These things will change

Can you feel it now?

These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down

The time will come for us to finally win

So we've been outnumbered, raided, and now cornered

It's hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair

We're getting stronger

They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared

There's something in your eyes says we can beat this

We never gave in

JUMP THEN FALL

I like the way you sound in the morning

Your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard

All I can think is we should be together

Don't be afraid to jump then fall

I'm never gonna leave you

I'll catch you

The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry

I'll hold you through the night until you smile

Every time you smile, I smile

Every time you shine, I shine

UNTOUCHABLE

I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why

I'm caught up in you

When you're close, I feel like coming undone

Say that we'll be together

I won't wait here all day

I want to feel you by my side and standing next to me

COME IN WITH THE RAIN

I don't wanna go there anymore

I know all the steps up to your door but I don't wanna go there anymore

I'll leave my window open

I'm too tired at night to call your name

Just know I'm right here hoping that you'll come in with the rain

I could stand up and sing you a song but I don't wanna have to go that far

I've got you down, I know you by heart and you don't even know where I start

I don't know what else I can say

I'm too tired at night for all these games

SUPERSTAR

This is wrong but I can't help but feel like there ain’t nothing more right

I can't help but wish I could see your face

I knew from the first note played I'd be breaking all my rules to see you

I'm no one special, just another wide-eyed girl who's desperately in love with you

Loneliness comes around when I'm not dreaming about you

I knew when I saw your face I'd be counting down the ways to see you

I'm invisible and everyone knows who you are

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR

In the heat of the fight I walked away ignoring words that you were saying

This time I've had enough

I'm so mad I might tell you that it's over

Leave

I'm in love with you

All I need is on the other side of the door

I keep going back over things we both said

If you know everything tell me why you couldn't see when I left, I wanted you to chase after me

I can't even look at you

I don’t need you, but I do

There's nothing you can say to make this right again, I mean it

TODAY WAS A FAIRY TALE

Today was a fairy tale

I used to be a damsel in distress

Time slows down whenever you're around

Can you feel this magic in the air?

I fell in love when I saw you standing there

It's getting so much clearer

Nothing made sense 'til the time I saw your face

YOU ALL OVER ME (FEAT. MAREN MORRIS)

I lived, and I learned, had you, got burned

Swore that I'd get out of here

No amount of freedom gets you clean

I've still got you all over me

The best and worst day of June was the one that I met you

Don't you wish you had me?

Every breath of air I breathe reminds me of then

I watched a part of myself die

MR. PERFECTLY FINE

I've been waitin' for you all my life

Every single day until the end, I will be by your side

It takes everything in me just to get up each day

Hello Mr. "Perfectly fine", how's your heart after breaking mine?

It's wonderful to see that you're okay

Everything revolves around you

Well, I thought you might be different than the rest, I guess you're all the same

'Cause I hear he's got his arm 'round a brand-new girl

I never got past what you put me through but it's wonderful to see that it never fazed you

WE WERE HAPPY

When it was good, baby, it was good

No one could touch the way we laughed in the dark

Goodbye's so much harder 'cause we were happy

I hate those voices telling me I'm not in love anymore

THAT’S WHEN (FEAT. KEITH URBAN)

Need some space to think about all of this

When can I come back?

All this playing, did you ever think of me?

I'll be waiting at the front gate

I did you wrong, made mistakes and put you through all of this

I'll come back

DON’T YOU

I knew I'd run into you somewhere

It's been a while

I didn't mean to stare

I'm sure she'll make you happy

Don't smile at me and ask me how I've been

Don't say you've missed me if you don't want me again

You don't how much I feel I love you still

Sometimes I really wish that I could hate you

I swore I wouldn't do this

BYE BYE BABY

It wasn't just like a movie

This is the last time I'll drive this way again

I still love you but I can't

I was so sure of everything we thought we'd always have

Seems like I'm becoming part of your past

There's so much that I can't touch

You're all I want but it's not enough this time

I can feel you like you're slipping through my hands

I'm so scared of how this ends

I want you back but it's coming down to nothing

#Taylor Swift lyrics.#inbox memes.#roleplay memes.#roleplay starters.#rpc #rph #rp sources #rp memes.

367 notes · View notes

atinydise · 3 years

Text

Ateez reacting to their s/o crying in front of them for the first time

❦ Genre: Fluff, a little bit angsty.

❦ Pairing: OT8.

❦ Word count: 3K4.

❦ Requested: Yes, thank you! 🦋

HONGJOONG

It had been 2 weeks since you had nonstop these hating comments on every social media. Your friend and Hongjoong warned you that the beginning will be hard, but you never imagine it would be like this. Before sleeping, you did your best to delete most of the meanest comments because you didn't want Hongjoong to be upset. To reassure yourself, you were telling every day that it would stop someday, but you were wrong. It was worse the next days. Just to enjoy your boyfriend's presence, you went to his studio. He would be busy, but his presence was enough for you. That's the only thing you wanted right now.As he was adding another beat on his production, you were deleting the comments again. Every time you tried to suppress one, another one came up. It overwhelmed you more than you imagined.

"I'm almost done babe! After that we can go watch our movie." Said Hongjoong, turning his chair around. His heart missed a beat when he saw tears sliding from your red eyes. His smile faded quickly. Your boyfriend immediately stood up and kneeled just next to you. "What's wrong? Did you hurt yourself?" Of course, when you heard that, you busted in tears, sobbing crazily. Hongjoong was shocked and confused to see you crying like this. In fact, he never seen you crying. "Y/N, look at me." He whispered, holding your hand. Despite your blurry vision, you stared right at him. "What's wrong?" He repeated. "What's ruining my usual sunshine's mood?" You took your time to explain the situation; that you are wasting your time on deleting a thousand of comments per day. You added that reading them, made your feel really insecure. "It's really hard Jong..." you sobbed, your lips shaking. "I'm sorry that you went through all of this, alone." He lifted himself a bit to hug your little figure. Face buried on his hoodie, you just gave it up and cried again. "The company is protecting me, but no one does it for you. I’ve failed." He patted your back, trying to comfort you as he could. "I'm really sorry Y/N." He whispered. You stayed at least 15 minutes in his arms, gripping the hem of his hoodie like your life depended on it. Hearing you being so sad made Hongjoong realize how much you suffered and kept everything for yourself. "You won't be alone anymore. We are going to find the perfect solution, so you won't get hurt once again. Okay?" You nodded, making him slid his hand on the back of your head to keep you closer. "Everything will be okay love." You ignored if it was your boyfriend's warm presence or the tears you finally let out, but you felt so much lighter.

SEONGHWA

"Okay babe. Are you ready?" Asked Seonghwa, face buried behind a history book. "I think I should study a bit more." You replied. "But you've done this the whole week. I'm sure you are ready." He smiled. Not sure of yourself, you shrugged. "Let's give it a try then." The next week, you needed to pass the most important exam of your entire life. Compared to an "idol life", it's like the last audition which will determine if you can debut or not. The one you are not supposed to fail. That's why you set and organized a complete and strict revisions schedule since these past weeks. To be honest, it had been pretty intense, and you were pretty exhausted now. "So, first question from when lasted the 2nd World War?" "1940 to 1945?" You replied not sure of yourself. "1939 to 1945." Rectified Seonghwa. Good. 1st question and already one mistake. "Next one: in which year did the USA joined the WII?" You knew this date; you had an entire sheet on it. So why the answer wouldn't come out? "19-" you paused, thinking hard about the answer. "Y/N, we studied together this date and this chapter." Said Seonghwa, trying to help you. Mad at yourself, you closed your notebook and buried your head in your arms. "Y/N-" "I don't remember!" Your voice cracked and your shoulders started to shake. "I'm useless and stupid!" Seonghwa was surprised to see you like this. You were not the type of person to cry. In 1 year and a half of relationship, he never saw you cry. "Just let me fail this exam!" You sobbed, tears dripping o the blue ink of your notebook. "Y/N. You are one of the smartest people I know." Whispered your boyfriend resting his head just next to yours. His arm was wrapped around your shoulders. "You just worked and studied so much these weeks that your brain needs a break." "I have so many chapters and topics to learn." You sniffled, lifting up a bit, but to hide your face behind your hand. "You are having a mental breakdown babe. Just take a break you won't fail." Seonghwa's voice was affecting you in the right way. You could feel yourself calming a bit, but the stress was always there. "Let's watch TV for the rest of the night so tomorrow you can focus back on your task." "But I need to study." You wiped your tears with your shirt. "If you continue today, you won't remember anything tomorrow. That's what you want?" You shook your head. "Good. Then let's go watch a movie. I'll order a pizza." "Thank you." You whispered, still sniffling.

YUNHO

You had a pretty mad argument with a close friend. You couldn't even call her this way because what she did was wrong. In a short resume, she hangs out with your other friend's crush. The worst part was that she never apologized or realized that her actions were bad and could hurt someone else. So, since this day, you've been pretty alone. The trio you formed with your friend was over. Nobody talked on the group chat like you usually do. Your girl trip was cancelled, and you had no choice but to accept it and cancel all the reservations you've done. It could be childish and ridiculous to be sad over a friendship but it as a particular one for you. They were the first ones to talk to you when you arrived in Korea. The language barrier never had been an issue. Thanks to them you improved more than you could imagine. When you had an argument with Yunho, they were the first ones to get you out, just to change your mind. How could a good friendship finish so badly? "Y/N? Are you listening to me?" Asked Yunho, sitting on the couch next to you. "Huh sorry, I was deep in my thoughts." You smiled shyly. "It is because of-" started Yunho. "Don't." You stopped him straight. "Don't pronounce their names." Your boyfriend was staring at you. He never thought it would affect you so much. "I tried my best to stay strong," you sighed. "But i can't lie to you. This is pretty hard." "Babe..." "I've been with them for so long. A bit like you and the guys." You smiled sadly, thinking about the old and good times. "They were my family here, in South Korea. Yunho was looking at the decomposition of your face. You were completely devastated. "I miss them so much." You finally let out, head bending, and eyes closed to avoid tears to fall. "I'm sure it will be fixed soon." Whispered Yunho, ignoring what to do. A light laugh escaped your lips. "Nothing will be the same, and it's better if we stay apart." Your boyfriend was secretly thinking the same thing. It was a pretty good issue. He left his thoughts when you whined of sadness before sniffling for the third time. What to do? What do you need? He never saw you like that. You always said that you hated to cry. It makes you feel weak. "Do you want a hot chocolate? I know you like." He offered. "If you don't mind, I really need a hug right now." You stared at him; face completely wet. "Yes of course." He didn't hesitate and pulled you closer to him. He assumed that you felt better because you cried a bit more. Losing friends can be really painful sometimes. Yunho hoped that you would be okay. He would be there every time you need someone to talk with. However, at the same time he hoped to never see you crying again. That was too painful for him to look at your usual bright face, changing into a sad one.

YEOSANG

Yeosang's phone buzzed on his pocket. He stared at the clock hanging on the wall. 11 PM. By that, he guessed that you were calling him because you missed him. Without waiting any longer, he sat down on the floor and picked up. ["Hello!] You waved at the screen. ["Hey boo! What's up?"] He asked, fixing his hair at the same time. ["I miss you."] You pouted. ["It's been pretty hard to catch up these times."] Yeosang's scratched his nape, nervously. ["Yeah... We've been busy 24/7. I can't tell when the last time was, I had enough time for myself."] ["Keep some time for you. It's important."] You replied, looking at his little dark circles. ["I will try to-"] ["Hello Y/N!"] Waved San, appearing on the screen. ["It's daytime for you?] You smiled at him. He was always so energized. ["Hello San! And yeah, it's 3PM here."] ["Can you let me talk to my girl in peace? I can't do it often already!"] Scolded Yeosang gently, flickering San's forehead. At this comment, you felt all the emotions and feelings you kept during these 7 months, submerging you. Before you could realize it, a tear escape of your eye, followed by another one. ["Yeah yeah! Leave us alone!"] he pushed San out of the screen. ["So, what you- Y/N? Are you crying?"] His face approched the screen phone really fast. ["Oh!"] You said, surprised. ["I didn't even notice."] You chuckled sniffling. ["What's wrong. It's the first time I see you crying."] Asked Yeosang, worried something bad happened. ["Nothing. This week had just been stressful, and I really miss you."] You looked up to suppress the other tears to come. ["We are going yo see each other soon I promise."] He said, feeling mad to be so far away from you. ["Sorry, I didn't plan to cry like a baby 'in front' of you."] You air quoted. ["It's just so hard Yeosang."] Your voice cracked, causing your boyfriend to feel sorry. ["I promise we will see each other faster than what you think."] You nodded, still avoiding looking at him. ["Don't cry Y/N. I hate seeing you like this."] He sighed. Forbidden you to cry made you do it even more. You put down the phone so he could only see your ceiling. ["It's okay. I'll calm down."] You said between 2 sobs. Yeosng was staring at the phone, hoping to see your smile back. ["I want to see you."] ["I look terrible."] You positioned the phone back, wiping the bottom of your eyes. ["No. You look like Frankenstein’s wife."] He teased you. ["So, you are Frankenstein?"] You giggled. ["Ouch, you got me."] You laughed at his disbelieving face. Yeosang was the only one who could make you cry, and in the next minute, make you laugh crazily.

SAN (⚠️this one can be a little bit triggering since it’s mentioning the lockdown)

"Finally! Some time for myself!" Claimed San, holding your hand tighter. "Since a long time, he had or find an empty time on his schedule and rushed to spend time with you. San invited you at the restaurant and for a quick walk before heading back to the dorm. No matter how hard you tried to stay focus on your boyfriend and the conversation, you zoned out time to time. San ignored what was bothering you. The lockdown had been pretty hard for you and your mental health. You lost your self-esteem and didn't find anymore any good compliments for yourself. For several months, you documented yourself to find something which could lift your mood. Most of the time, you spent your day on TikTok, but it messed up more than it should. Thanks to San, he was the only one who avoided you to end depressed completely. He still ignored that you were going through a lot. You always acted like everything was totally fine. "I can't believe we are already in February." He looked at the stars. "Yeah." You smiled. "Time flies." "It's been almost 2 years that I've met you too!" He giggled. "I'm so lucky. Many girls would have run away with an idol as boyfriend." He started. "But not you! You are still here. The rock of our couple." More he was talking; more you were realizing that you were not that strong anymore. "I'm really lucky!" He repeated, kissing your hand lovely. You didn't have enough time to suppress the sob coming from your throat. You slapped your free hand on your mouth, even if you couldn't know if you were really crying, tears felt right on your fingers. "Y/N? Are you-" he stopped, realizing how stupid the question was? "What's happening baby?" The soft tone he used to talk, made you bust in cry a lot more. "Wow wow! Y/N, what is going on?" He asked, completely worried. You hesitated to tell him what was going on, but you couldn't let him with no information. "I'm just so done." You started. "So tired, so sad, so depressed, every fucking day." "Why?" You shrugged, picking a tissue of your pocket. "I don't know. I just feel like that. I want to be happy and strong again, but I'm always overthinking. It makes me doubt on everything." San pulled you in a warm and safe hug. He ribbed the back of your head to comfort you. "Don't worry. I will help you to pass this hard period." He whispered. "I really don't know what is going on with me and I don't like that." You added, tugging on his hoodie. "It's okay. Everyone goes through difficult moment. But I’m here to help you. I will give you everything."

MINGI

Mingi got out of the sleeping state when he heard a sniffle. At first, he thought that he was dreaming. Even though his dream was completely crazy, no one was crying. He just let it out and tried to sleep completely. Until he heard another sniffling. This time Mingi cracked an eye. The room was plunged in the dark. Exactly like how he fell asleep. "Did you catch a cold?" Asked Mingi, with his deepest voice. No answer, but still the sniffling could be heard. "Y/N." He repeated a bit louder. His body was still facing the window so he couldn't see you. No answer. Mingi thought that you were deep in the sleep to not hear him. So, he sneaked his arm under the sheet to squeeze your leg. "Get up and take a medicine at least, bec-" He stopped when he had nothing to squeeze. Finally, he sat up and looked at your usual spot. Empty. The sheet was cold. So, you were probably awake since a long time. Mingi walked to the hallway, looking for any light or any shadow hid in the dark. When he saw the one coming from the bathroom, he rushed there. Without knocking, he entered making you jump by surprise. "What are you doing here? It's late!" He raised a brow. Feeling the tears coming back, you hid your face behind your hands. Mingi's face softened immediately. He turned you around, so you could look at him. Just by seeing you crying, he understood what was going on. "You saw the article?" He whispered. You nodded, your shoulders shaking at each sob, like a baby. "You should have told me that it made you sad." He pulled you in a warm hug, trying to comfort you. "How? We made a deal." You wrapped your arms around his waist. "This deal sucks if you end by crying like that." He kissed your forehead. "I just wanted to protect you from every crazy fans. But I had no idea, people would start assuming that I'm dating the entire world." "It's not your fault." You sobbed. "I accepted to hide our relationship too." "I'm going to fix it Y/N." Claimed Mingi. "I hate saying you like that. I've never seen you crying yet." You smiled shyly at him. He wasn't the best man on this earth, he barely knew how to comfort you, but he has this strong and safe aura. It was everything that matters. "Stop crying please. I hate that." He pouted. You wiped your eyes quickly and gave him a warm smile. "Thank you Mingi."

WOOYOUNG

You were sitting on the dance practice's couch, looking at your boyfriend and San joking around. It was not a big deal. The atmosphere was really good, and everyone was in the right mod. Except you. Why? Because you had a secret interview with the CEO and the group manager. They made you understand that your relationship with Wooyoung was prohibited. It's been 3 years that you were dating, and they never had a problem. Until the group gain more and more attention and that journalist were following them around. One of them already threatened KQ to reveal an article few days before the comeback, just to ruin it. That's why, while the group was singing and dancing along, you were slowly getting sadder. To not ruin the mood, you got up and exited the room. The more natural possible. Even though you thought that nobody spotted your sudden sadness, Seonghwa noticed that something was wrong. And since you put a foot in the room. "Wooyoung." "Yeah?" "You should check after Y/N. I feel like something is off." He said. "She just probably went to restroom." He shrugged. "No, something is really wrong." Insisted Seonghwa. Without saying anything, Wooyoung rushed out of the room. He didn't last long to find you. His heart missed a beat when he saw your face. Tears were storming on your cheeks. Your nose was running, and your entire body was shaking also. He stayed there, without moving at all. Wooyoung never saw you this way and he was completely freaking out. His brain finally functioned again when you started to choke, hands on your chest. "Babe babe! Calm down." He kneeled in front of you, embracing you as much as he could. "I'm here. Calm down." He repeated. You gripped the back of his shirt, still completely devastated. Wooyoung rubbed the back of your head. Your face as buried on the crook of his neck. "Baby. Breathe." He whispered. Your boyfriend never asked once why you were crying. He stayed 30 minutes, in the same position, waiting for you to finally calm down. The most important think was you to be 100% ready to talk about it. "No matter what, I'm here." You are not alone."

JONGHO

The room was plunged in the dark. A light flame coming from the center of the table was lighting things around you. It been 2 hours that you were sitting there. Your eyes were locked o the big window, which is usually help the moon reflection to enter in the apartment. Your entire house was quiet. But you were annoyed by the loud noise coming from your mind thoughts. Jongho has left since this afternoon. Just after, probably one of the biggest argue you ever had. "Oh, you are so annoying! You know what? I'm leaving." This sentence was stuck in your throat. Jongho was really mad this time and was probably not ready to forgive you. Your head lifted up when you heard footsteps in the hallway. You prayed and hoped that your fiancé was coming back home. But few seconds later, the neighbor's door slammed and resonated in your ears. At the edge of a mental breakdown, your lips started to shake, and your eyes were getting itchy because of the tears forming in your eyes. Quickly, a sob escaped of your lips. Followed by another one. Before you could realize it, you busted in tears, crying loudly. All of your fear and pain stuck in your head, made you cry. Your dog, not understanding the situation, put his head on your lap, trying to comfort you. "Y/N!" Your heart missed a bit when you heard Jongho's voice. For a short second, you thought that you were dreaming. But your boyfriend was really standing there, hands full of your favorite restaurant food. In no time, you gently pushed your dog and rushed to Jongho. Arms wrapped around his waist, you felt like living again. He couldn't answer to your hug or otherwise he would drop the food, but you felt like his warm aura around you. "Ah," he smiled. "I might have been a little bit too harsh with you. It's the first time I see you crying." "You are dumb." You sobbed, still wrapped around him. I really thought you left." "Aye, come on. I can never do that." Probably because of the relief, you cried even more. "You are acting like a strong and independent woman but here you are, sobbing like a baby." He kissed your head. "I hate you." You replied. "Yeah. I love you too." He giggled.

#ateez scenarios #ateez reactions #ateez imagines #ateez writings #ateez x reader #ateez fluff #ateez angst #ateez x atiny #ateez x you #ateez #ateez kpop

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