#i’m not mentally stable enough for a job rn

[hesgotpotential]

is it technically considered “running away” if your an adult and you leave your families home and don’t know where to go you just know you have to leave before they actually kick you out, and you have been wanting to leave when you got enough money for a stable home but you don’t think that’s really an option anymore cause your dad doesn’t want you here and actively tells you that almost everyday and has now threatened to kick you out five or six times if you didn’t bend to his rules and do what he says and agree with him like a little puppet and you have done that every single time cause you were scared and didn’t really want to live on the street and really have no where else to go but your tired of faking just so he can be comfortable and hiding who you are so he won’t kick you out and you know he’s gonna play the victim card and make you look like the bad guy when your gone but it’s gotten too much and your ready to just leave and write a note about why you left and to tell them to pls not go looking for you and tell them who you truely are and if their willing to accept that with love and happiness then they are more than welcome back in your life but if not then they can go straight to their little lava pit hell they love to talk about so much a-and fuck cause if that’s what it’s called I might just be running away soon and with only $4 to my name heh…yay! 😑

#✨ — you’ve got mail from sammie ! #I really truly don’t know how much longer I can handle it #i’m not gonna sit around and let him emotionally abuse me anymore #still pissed he convinced my mom bot to divorce him the literal day before the papers were finalized 🙄 #if he wants me gone so bad I might as well leave since i’m such a burden and a ‘freeloader’ #he yells at me cause i’m ‘acting like a kid’ when i’m probably more grown up than this fucking almost 40 something year old man #at least on the emotional and self awareness side #istg i’m gonna leave soon and I feel sorry for my sisters cause they love me and want the best but the best is literally me leaving #there is no other way that I can see #i’m not mentally stable enough for a job rn #at least not a ‘normal’ job #and I don’t know any other ways of making money other selling my body which i’m not gonna do #rn i’m making money from apps and that’s good enough but not enough to live on #i’d ask for help but fuck that #if you want to help that’s greatly appreciated but you don’t have to #I need to learn to do things by myself and i’ll figure something out someday #I always seem to have a way to get the bare minimum at least #planning to go to the biggest city near me and probably use the internet from the walmart there #might sleep outside the place or something idk where a better place would be especially in that city

[553everly]

a success story ++ how i did it.

what did i get ?

so recently i manifested a new house + a superior job to mom ++ large amounts of money coming toward all of us. THOSE WERE UNDER A WEEK.

i also started building my dream wardrobe slowly with amazing clothing items. bought bags, my desired skincare products + desired makeup items too.

Eating sushi and dumplings for the first time !! DUMPLINGS WERE FIRE !! sushi was good, and i ate avocado for the first time?? i discovered I'm not into it in any way and removed it along w sushi from my life board at Pinterest (I was planning to be eating am sushi in my life along w avocado in my salads or wtv)

basically everything is going perfectly my way lately and everything feels very amazing.

what i actually did ?

A PINTEREST BOARD trust me, it's like a vision board and your mind needs a guide to know where it's going. make a Pinterest board with everything you want, and take a look at it affirming "my life is exactly like what I'm looking at rn" or wtv affs you like, you can use a sub too. Just add wtv you desire type of beauty, desired body, your lifestyle, fashion, grades, room, house, car, items, food. Literally everything ! I literally ate the same sushi that was in my board + bought same skincare and makeup products. It's so powerful. ( You can use a sub along w it.)

I had a mindset playlist. it included everything i ever thought i needed. yk like master manifestor / manifest for others ect.

it can be at any length tbh, depends on the how much time you have at morning! you can listen to the 10 mins the only sub you'll ever need by iwantitigetit or her recent one or v1per's whatever. You can ask for my recommendations too !

anyways once the playlist is ready (can even include one sub) you go prepare your daily affirmations. just a collection of affirmations that you'll repeat ×3 times.

For me - i had two parts of affirmations. Ones with self concept + self esteem + self love + self confidence affirmations.

the other with the i am a master manifestor, everything works out in my favour, i am living my dream life +++ specific affirmations with a feeling (creds to the owner) like I feel so safe and secure now that I have moved into my desired house.... something like that, the feeling can be gratitude.

AND THAT'S IT. Literally.

ill share the affirmations i used to say (creds to the owner since I stole them from random affs posts i saw in here + ig)

the affirmations.

SELF CONCEPT : My manifesting journey has always been easy fun and beautiful.

I’ve always been a master at manifesting. I’ve already manifested everything I wanted. I accept my power to create the life of my dreams I’m beyond powerful and in control nothing can deny my desires. I live in a state of bliss pleasure stable calmness peace and wealth. I’m divinely blessed in life. my life keep changing for the better. I’m a magnet for miracles blessings and abundance. Good things keep happening to me. My life has always been perfect I am always in a good mood and state of life. everything is perfect and I worry about nothing. I’m completely healed inside and out. I have a perfect mental health. I’ve never been healthier and happier. I am enough worthy and safe. I am the girl who has it all. I am worthy of everything I want. I am worthy of everything I have. I am stable and secure. I’m always safe and protected. I’m a master at manifesting. I can have anything I want. my life is beyond perfection. I manifest what I want effortlessly. I’ve always been rich. I can afford anything I want.

AFFIRMATIONS :

I literally have all my desires in a blink of an eye. I always get what I want no matter what. It’s insane how many blessings and abundance rains down on me. I'm so blessed. I’m the chosen one, the luckiest person on earth. My life is always on the right path to true success happiness abundance and love. Everyone aspires to be me and do all the things I do. I live a life of extreme luxury and wealth. Everything I touch turns to gold.I can afford anything I want. I get pampered and spoiled every single day. Im the type of cool you can’t buy or fake. I’m ambitious driven and disciplined. Nothing can stop me.

I’m the most successful and wealthy person to ever exist. Every time I breathe I’m sent a miracle blessing and money. I have men and women all over me. I’m pursued by the hottest richest and nicest people. People always respect me. People would move mountains for me. i’m always the first choice and top priority. I’m so beyond spoiled and rich it’s insane how much I have. everyone wants to spoil me that’s why I receive the VIP treatment 24/7. I deserve the absolute best and most lavish in life and I’m getting it. My self concept and self esteem is sky high. Nothing can break my confidence. I’m one of a kind and everyone knows it.

CHALLENGE AFFIRMATIONS : i am living my dream life. I have my ideal face, I have my ideal body, I live in mom's ideal house and have my ideal room, mom has her ideal job and i study my ideal major in my ideal country and city, every wish of mine is granted. i manifest effortlessly. everything always goes my way. i deserve the best and i never settle for less. i only get princess treatment. my friend group loves and supports me. my mom and siblings are loving and supportive. i am full of love for myself. i am never ashamed to put myself first. i am at peace with myself and others. I am unbothered. I do my own thing proudly. I am so incredibly happy and grateful that I get to live such an amazing life. I get richer day by day. everytime i blink i earn money. getting money is so easy for me. i can afford everything I want. my money is always wisely spent. being rich is my destiny. i am basically an extremely powerful money magnet. i have always been rich. I always have more than enough money. I am literally a billionaire. I am worthy of being rich.

the end <3

IT IS LONG I KNOW my sub playlist was like + an hour long. i just have so many free time at morning so. you can do yours at night, whenever you're free. GOOD LUCK !!

#loa #subliminals #law of assumption #manifest #manifestation #success story #affirmations #affirm and persist

[arminiloveyou]

Hey hey !! You showed up on my dash and i haven't seen you in a while , how are you doing!!!

hi my love i quit my job last week cause my bosses were singling me out n i kept crying there, my last day i bawled for thirty mins straight, i tried talkin to them n they told me all kinds of terrible things about me, rn am just tryna make money off my art but am so stressed how imma pay my bills especially ones next month that some friends on relying on as well, my mental health is terrible rn i can’t lie, n i tried getting a new irl job with no success, i’ll apply to remote jobs today, i just know i’m not mentally stable enough to have an irl job rn, tbh am freaking out so bad… i feel like a failure, they gaslit me so much which gave me ptsd, n going there i got two types of ptsd anyways, it’s just a lot, sorry for being very forward, thank you always for asking

#tw ptsd #sadthoughts

[diaryfullofsparklesandkisses]

Brooo cmon earth has got to be hell right???? Like I know ppl have it way worse off then me. But still like, all last night trying to sleep I had music from to YouTube ads stuck in my head, cuz they repeat often (I need to fix my Adblock situation but still the amount of repetitive ads ur soaked in daily is fucked) and like here I am at work early, taking care of trash like I do every Wednesday, like not a great societal place to be at esteem wise. And grossness-wise. But this is the only shit I can bare doing at the frequency of barely full time. And everything’s dirty and I’m supposed to clean it, not that hard of a job but I’m still like fuck definitely don’t want to do this, I don’t want to work like this but literally every other job I’ve tried is so much more difficult and traumatizing. Idk I just feel all the parts of my body that aren’t quite right, I can’t tell if I’m hungry or if my stomach hurts like it’s both feelings randomly from one minute to the next. Talking about it makes me feel better but it’s like this every day and the only end in sight is retirement when I’m 70, ik that’s unreasonable cuz a lot can change in a year if not 40. But it’s just like, this is the only thing that is feasible. I’m actually lucky I even found out I could do this. But like, the amount of personal problems I could resolve and move past if I had a month off, or a year off. If I didn’t have to work my life would be amazing, and that applies to everyone else too cuz no one’s that special lmao. I do not deserve that shit ahahaha. Bro I lichrally can’t tell what is going on w my digestive system rn. When I’m actively dying I’m going to think about how horrible digestive problems are and that it’s not worth it to feel sad abt dying. Anywho yeah lmao like, knowing that ur “thing” is making art and music, and using all ur free time to solve ur other basic life problems u have (usually totally diy cuz fuck bills and fuck our predatory medical system, I don’t trust they won’t send all my hard earned money into the hole, also this is an attitude that can lead to death lmao isn’t that cool, fuck the world fuck u) yeah idk it’s really personally sad, depressing if u will. I’d probably feel survivors guilt if I made it out. Instead I just feel jealousy for everyone who gets lucky enough to be stable and creative at their own pace. And u need to practice to be creative well, so like I try to prove myself but it’s never good enough and also I think I’m a dumbass anyway so I don’t take myself seriously enough probably. But also cringe at taking urself seriously lmao. Yeah no like, this is hell and also I can’t even acknowledge that because of how fine the experience is in some ways and how the whole “it could be worse” thing is inescapable mentally. I don’t want to take things for granted. Also no fuck u humanity could make this system work for everyone, we have the resources, we choose not to. Or we’re too animalistic and not evolved enough. But the balance of all that bullshit is so subtly hellish, that’s awesome.

TLDR I’m just complaining and stupid

[thefactsofthematter]

tell us about how spot and race’s lives turn out from ur recent fic! (also love ur writing keep up the good work!)

i’m glad u asked dear anon! (and tysm!!)

so i didn’t include any of this in the actual fic bc i wanted readers to draw their own conclusions about what happened, but here’s how i see things going down! it’s a little long since it’s pretty much an entire epilogue spanning their whole lives, so buckle in lol

(i really did try to put this under the cut but tumblr mobile isn’t cooperating and i don’t feel like turning my computer on rn. sorry folks.)

- race’s mental health is pretty rocky for a while immediately after the story ends— he gets a lot of people checking up on him, thinking breaking up with spot was one of his impulsive, manic decisions, and the fact that so many people are questioning his mental state sends him spiralling a little. the stress gets his symptoms to worsen (mania, more persistent and disturbing hallucinations/delusions), especially bad now that he lives alone, and he ends up checking himself into a psych ward after a few months of secretly struggling and pretending to be okay.

- this gets spot to worry immensely when he finds out: they’ve got enough mutual friends that they’re still in the same circles, and now that the initial hurt of the breakup is waning, he’s got a renewed but purely friendly love for race. he doesn’t quite feel ready to see him in person, but he sends flowers to the hospital with a very sweet note, to let race know he’s thinking about him <3

- in the longer term, race gets more stable, finishes his phd, and works his way back up to being more independent, but realizes that he doesn’t trust himself to live alone— he lives with crutchie for a while, and then meets albert through some mutual friends in his early 30s, and they start dating! they live their double-income-no-kids-not-married fantasy for a good while; neither of them are necessarily rich, but they’re stable enough to be able to travel lots and see the world. they’re not quite madly in love, but they make each other pretty happy, and they only separate (after almost a decade together) when albert gets a job offer somewhere across the world— race doesn’t want to move, but al wants to take the job, so they have a very amicable split with an agreement that race will come visit someday.

- in the meantime, spot never does land another long term relationship, but he adopts as a single parent, just like medda adopted him and jack. he raises three kids in a hipster little suburb just outside the city and does his very best— just like race had predicted, he’s an amazing dad. he doesn’t really worry about romance, perfectly content with his little family. he and race keep in touch— the common link usually being jack, as spot’s brother and race’s best friend, who invites them to all his family functions and whatnot. even while race is dating albert, spot isn’t particularly jealous, since he now sees race’s point about their very different ideas for the future much clearer. he’s happy where he’s at, and he’s glad race is happy doing his own thing. they still make very good friends, at the end of the day.

- BUT!!! it’s only when one of spot’s kids starts really struggling with mental health that sprace start growing a little closer— his sixteen year-old daughter is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so spot’s immediate reaction is to call race up for some insight. race ends up being a really great mentor for her, sharing his coping strategies and giving her someone to relate to, so by consequence, he spends a lot more time with the conlons. spot’s kids are older now, his youngest just starting high school, so he’s finally able to step out of spending every waking minute focusing on being a dad— he’s got a little more time for his own adult relationships.

- cue a couple years of sprace very slowly falling back in love with each other but being too nervous to say it… until spot’s youngest finally asks “so is he, like, our stepdad now? he’s here every other day, and you look at him like you’ve got a crush.” this is enough of a kick in the ass to get him to actually talk to race, who confesses that if spot will have him, he’d really like to get back together. they do, and it’s finally right. they’re well into their forties, but race is at a point where settling into spot’s chiller life feels good, and spot is ready to start stepping back out of his comfort zone now that his kids are pretty much independent, so they can finally balance each other out the way they used to.

- they get married eventually!!! spot couldn’t bear to part with the ring from the first time around, so he re-proposes once they’ve been back together for a while (“my old-ass knees don’t appreciate me getting down like this, so you better say yes this time”) and they have a sweet little backyard wedding, mostly organized by spot’s kids. they’re in their fifties by then, but they’re even more in love than they were in college <333

#this could really be its own fic if i were to flesh it out #but i kinda like it in bullet points. nice and concise. #my writing #<- i don’t usually put bullet point stuff in that tag but bc this has so much to it i feel like it belongs #anon #sprace #racetrack higgins #spot conlon

[goldkirk]

My five happy things today

1) I’m finally making the effort to re-bond with Aoife SERIOUSLY and drag myself out of my moping pit lately and it’s paying off so much, she’s so much more wanting to interact with ME and sit for pets from ME and follow ME around like a puppy

2) I just remembered I still have part of the smoothie in the fridge from last night

3) the weather is super muggy but it’s not as as last week still and I’m so so so so so so grateful and so much more able to be awake and do things than I have been most of this month. I’m SO HAPPY ABOUT THAT

4) I’m so grateful to not be depressed. I’m so grateful to not feel that way all the time oh man and to not be dissociating more than once or twice a month I haven’t felt this good mental health wise since age…12? I’m so grateful I’m so grateful I’m so grateful I’m so grateful (it’s been less than a year since I was in such a bad state that I wasn’t even able to spent one single day not in terror and total overload and despair and now I have a DOG which I didn’t expect to get for years and I don’t have a body full of physical panic at all times and I don’t have nightmares every single night anymore and I’m safer and less scared and I am much much more stable AND I found out about contacts you can wear for a whole month straight AND how better your skin can feel if you just moisturize it sometimes and I’m so blown away at how different it is from last year at this time. Also my nephew is safer now so while I really fucked things up along the way of that mess things have worked out more than they were last year in terms of safety anc daily living for that family so we’ll call all of that a win!

5) I’m doing a good job of reaching out to 3 people each day that I’ve ghosted and gotten behind on messages with (I’m so sorry to all of you on here—tumblr is overwhelming still rn and I usually don’t have eno h energy left for it, but I’m almost finished with other platforms, so soon I’ll be back on here more and able to start answering more asks and stuff that you’ve been waiting on for ages 😓💕)

6) (BONUS) I FINALLY AM WELL ENOUGH TO BE DOING HOBBIES AGAIN AND NOT JUST HOBBIES BUT SOMETIMES TRYING A NEW HOBBY!!!!!! Do you know how many years it’s been since I tried ANY new craft hobby? At least six. I just tried diamond painting and I’m getting my first tatting shuttle and bobbin set next week!!!! Guys I READ AND FINISHED A BOOK!!!!! not an audiobook, a REAL PRINTED CHAPTER BOOK I read a WHOLE book in less than a week!!!!! I haven’t finished a book by myself in over a YEAR till now! I just read a BOOK I JUST READ A BOOK I AM SO HAPPY MY BRAIN IS SLOWLY HEALING I AM SO HAPPY I READ A BOOK

#fivethingsaday

[lavendersage]

hey emily, hopefully this isn’t too presumptuous or uncomfortable feel free to ignore if so 😣 im actually a long time follower of your personal and have always related to your feelings with depression and low moods, and i went thru a really bad break up around a similar time funnily or unfunnily enough 😔 i know you say you say you still struggle; is there anything in particular that helps you along? i find it so hard to face my real life sometimes, im turning 25 in a few months and i feel like depression and that awful relationship have stolen so much from me, i feel so far behind my peers and those even younger, im too afraid to even meet people nevermind open up to someone else ever again, my friends are all in committed long term relationships, one just got a promotion, and just recently was told two of my cousins not even a year older are now engaged and planning their weddings. I know im not the only one going thru a quarter life crisis lol but god does it feel like it! gosh im not even sure what the point of this was. i love your blogs and your lovely self, this little corner of the Internet means so much to me when i feel most isolated. sorry for going on and on, i hope things are good for you rn 💜🌱

hi baby 💜  reading your ask kinda felt like i was reading one of my own journal entries or personal posts or something, because on god, i struggle with all of the same things. i’m a little older (just turned 26 in august) but i started feeling the same way you do around 24. i also went through a bad relationship during that time but more than anything, i empathize with your feelings of falling behind my peers. it wasn’t “supposed” to be this way, right? like you can’t catch a break no matter how hard you try? (i say “feels like” but it’s literally true in my case, all of my family and friends IRL can attest to the ridiculous amount of bullshit i’ve been through). i could go off on a tangent about how our generation was robbed and how our idea of what it means to be an adult (having a stable job that pays the bills, getting married, moving out on our own, etc) has been permanently warped because it has become so fucking hard to achieve even a single one of those things, and all of that is true, but i will digress.

basically, you end up watching the people around you achieve the things you’ve been working for, and you’re stuck feeling like some sort of cautionary tale because you aren’t getting results, which is a slippery slippery slope into strong feelings of inadequacy that feed into your depressive episodes.

i’m glad you reached out, because i find that it helps ground me if i know that other people my age are also dealing with similar problems and kind of cuts me out of the fog of seeing everyone i know thrive while i suffer. so you can rest assured in the knowledge that you are far from alone in this--and it’s also worth remembering that what other people present on social media is just a carefully curated version of themselves that they want the world to see.

you have to first ask yourself if you’re doing everything within your power to lift yourself out of your current situation. and i know how hard that is when you’re so low you can barely get out of bed, believe me, i know, and you have to find a way to forgive yourself for that. but if things are ever going to get better, you have to do the best you can to push yourself forward. it will not be a linear process. and that’s okay. 

if the answer is no, you’re not doing everything in your power, figure out what it is you need to be working on. figure out what it is you want and take small steps every day to put yourself in that direction. if the answer is yes, then you have to find a way to accept that what you’re doing is enough and find a way to keep your brain from falling down that black hole of despair. visit friends. get caught up in a creative project. read a good book or play a good video game. and if you have the means, find a good therapist. (i don’t have the means but if i did, that’s what i would do.) it may take all of your strength, but you will feel better if you fill out that job application, or reach out to that person, or even do a load of laundry. small things do add up and can make a huge difference in your overall mental health.

i’m sorry that i don’t have magical advice to give you beyond sharing my own experiences. i’m still working through it, just like you. so i’ll leave you with this: don’t get caught up in your own head. take everything one day at a time. step away from social media when you need to. focus on your goals as much as your mental faculties will allow. let yourself rest when you need to rest, let yourself be sad when you need to be sad, but do. not. give. up.

because the moment you stop having hope that things will get better is the moment you know they never will.

love you to the ends of the earth, and you are always welcome to talk to me 💜💜💜

#asks #Anonymous #long post #sorry lmfao

[mirkwood-trash]

Tagged by @hmsdivinity ♡♡♡

Rules: tag 9 people you’d like to know better or catch up to (woops)

Last Song: How It's Going To Be (Gerard Way)

Last Movie: Penguins of Madagascar hshdhdh

Currently Reading: I'm in the middle of the second book in Trials of Apollo but I haven't picked it up in like a year 😔😔😔

Current Project: nothing at the moment really.... I want to start a large oil painting soon but idk of what

Current Mood: I'm at my friend's place celebrating her cats 16th birthday and it's really nice outside so nothing but good vibes rn

Current Wish: I wish I could move into my own place but I actually need income for that lmao. I guess i wish I was mentally and emotionally stable enough to feel comfortable getting a job

Currently Learning: nothing I'm just vibing rn. I guess I'm always trying to learn how to improve my art

Tagging: @daizyditz , @t4rd15-th31f , @the0ldmann, @numberjoe

#pooka speaks #thank u for tagging me♡

[an-ambivalent]

I don’t know if you talked about this before but are you going to continue writing uchiha therapist.Sorry if you’ve already said something about it 😅

i have 1k written for the next chapter that I wrote 2 years ago for it 😭 I wabt to continue that story but I'm not sure when.... atm the obly writing I'm focusing on is whatever few hundred words my brain can shit out. This might sound like an excuse but I will try to explain.

I don't have the mental capacity to commit myself to a multichapter long story atm. It can be stressful, and I've struggling with a lot of mental issues since last year (panic attacks, and now apparently i have a mood disorder, and some signs of ED like I'm either always starving myself or eating too much, no balance in between). And uni, and the inconsistent lockdowns we have here and it has a big change on our lives. Nothing has been consistent and stable and so I don't have the capacity for it.

I'd like to republish this story and continue next year i think once I graduate and get a full time job etc so i have a set schedule. Atm I'm just so messed up in the head I can't write a therapist reader until my own brain is stable enough to be able to write that shit accurately 😭

I'm so sorry to my readers for that story. Its one I was / am really excited about too but I'm just too in a weird state rn to be able to commit to it.

[bakugaykatsukii]

Probably (definitely) a controversial take here, but I really like the current Endeavour arc? And I think Horikoshi is doing a good job rn?

So Endeavour abused his kids, obviously, and his wife, also obvious, and that has always been presented very negatively. Todoroki was never like 'it sucked but tbh I am stronger now so whatever I guess he was right to abuse me' that DID NOT happen. Instead, Todoroki had always labelled him as a bastard, and only shown tolerance towards him when it benefits him (like becoming a better hero).

But also (and ik this is rambly I'm sorry) Endeavour's kids pretty perfectly represent different ways abuse can effect the parent child relationship:

So Fuyumi is just desperate for a happy family dynamic. It's clear her and Natsuo were ignored and neglected, so she craves a loving environment with two fully functioning parents and all her siblings. That's why she's willing to forgive Endeavour more easily than everyone else, because at this point he also wants to heal their family, and so their goals align.

Natsuo meanwhile despises Endeavour, and says he can never forgive him. This is because he thinks of their poor childhood as being intrinsically linked with their father (which it was), so he believes that their family can never really be happy with him still in the picture. Funnily enough, at the end of the most recent chapter, Endeavour comes to the same realisation and decides to alienate himself from his family, causing that brief moment of confusion rather than anger from Natsuo.

Shouto has a very complicated relationship with what happened, and that may be simply because we know more about him or because he was the 'favourite'. Like Natsuo, he blames Endeavour for all the pain them and their mother went through, so he's angry and refuses to forgive him until he sees adaquately that he's changed. This doesn't necessarily mean he will ever forgive his father though, because 'adaquately' could equate to Endeavour giving his own life to protect them. Basically, at this point Shouto still isn't sure what to think, and that's common! He's wary but still a little hopeful, because like Fuyumi he also wants a stable, caring family to come home to.

We've seen precious little of Rei so far, and idk what judgement to make there. She seemed to appreciate her husband's flowers that one time, but Endeavour's done really shitty things and I doubt seeing him again in any context would be good for her already fragile mental health.

So, yeah. No doubt that Endeavour is a shitty dad but him trying to make amends doesn't mean Hori want us to forgive him. Natsuo isn't forced to make up with him, and Endeavour himself says that he doesn't need forgiveness, he just wants to repent after all he's done, and there's nothing wrong with that! Do I want the Todoroki family to be perfectly happy? Not really, because that would be unrealistic. But I appreciate seeing their rocky relationships lose their toxicity.

(side note, if hero society weren't so unstable I honestly believe Endeavour would come clean about his past actions to the press. Just so justice would be served for all he's done)

(extra side note (not in Endeavour's favour this time) it's interesting that he only started to repentance journey AFTER he ~accidentally~ achieved the title of No1. Like, if he was still No2 his family would still be on the back burner. If that we're the case, obviously he's an even shittier dad because he can't focus on his family without getting literally everything he was abusing them over in the first place)

(I'm sorry. Side note again: it could be the case that he's only trying to be better now because he realises how unfufilling his dream of being No1 was, and now knows his family are more important. In THAT case, you could argue that Endeavour's abusive nature (whilst still 100% his choice and his fault) is in a way a product of the toxic quirk society they live in, where power is valued above all else. This unjust system caused his insatiable desire for No1, resulting in his desperation to beat All Might through any means. In a similar vein to Bakugou (though I HATE to compare the two istg) it was pressure to succeed in this society that caused his toxic behaviours, which he then took out of control entirely.)

#Todoroki family #Endeavour #Bnha #Mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha manga spoilers #mha shouto #bnha shouto #todoroki shouto #mha fuyumi #bnha fuyumi #todoroki fuyumi #todoroki natsuo #rei todoroki #Abuse tw

[slipmethevicxdin]

ive been trying to keep the conversation on my socials about the situation and movement at hand rn but i need to pause and vent, since Tumblr is my platform to unload and be honest

if i haven't said it enough by now i have insomnia, which for the most part is stress induced but it does just occur without reason a lot. my mom has tried to convince me since i was a child that i just "have my hours turned around" and "just stay up too late", and even to this day dismisses my insomnia when ive been diagnosed and prescribed medication for my insomnia. with everything going on right now ive been wide awake unless i take benadryl. my normal medication hasn't really been helping too much at all lately, not only to help my insomnia but overall state of mind.

ive been back and forth with my partner due to my mental state way too much lately and it is mostly my fault because i can't get a grip on my mind and i feel so badly about it. my bipolar disorder has really really been taken a deadly grip on my mood swings and altogether thoughts on certain topic to where i can't tell if im having intrusive thoughts from a mood swing or if i have genuine feelings about something and also false feelings but am unable to tell the difference, all depending on my mood. it's so complicated to explain to make it make sense... and i hate it. it genuinely makes me feel crazy. ive been on an up/stable kick for a few days now but i can't tell if I'm really stable or manic. I've only had one manic episode recently and it was a bit more extreme than others and i ended up cutting my hair.. which is like.. not great lol. i do actually like it but i would've taken more time to consider it with a stable mind. the highs and lows have been drastic and frequent. like i quit my job because of a long low.

on another note i feel like my heart is being tugged around, between a way i've craved to be treated for years now, and a familiar and comfortable place. im really lost on that part... so incredibly lost tbh. i think ive committed myself to too many things and made promises i can't keep.

i also feel like ive lost my independence and don't know who i am as an individual anymore, and im lowkey having a bit of an identity crisis over it.

im really confused and feeling stuck and stunted. i need to put a lot of work into where im at but i don't know where to start, or if im capable of doing it alone.

#personal

[fallingfromdepression]

12/6/2020

this is gonna be less about school and more me rambling about my mental health and where i am rn in life. i got triggered earlier and i’m hoping i’ll feel better once i write it all out so then i can hopefully get my mind focused back on trying to do this final assignment due tmr evening that i’ve barely started so that’s what the stakes are. put under a cut bc it’s detailing quite a bit of some of my personal life

so i bought a surprise box from an indie artist that ended up being around $30 total with shipping (not too bad since the box is supposed to include at least $50 worth of merch). i haven’t had a lot of misc purchases ever since i came back home, or at least i’m definitely spending less than i did when i was at school, and i generally like all of this artist’s merch so i thought it was a decent expense. unfortunately i did have to buy it today when i am technically supposed to be working on finals and etc but it didn’t take much time since i was notified abt the restock yesterday and i preferred to buy sooner rather than later (i.e. after all my finals are finished) esp from small businesses that have a limited stock. but since my parent is intimately involved with my finances, they saw the purchase asap and kind of interrogated me abt it esp since it’s not a purchase from amazon or a bigger business.

now the context that makes that latter part more meaningful: about this time last yr, i had a situation where i tried to buy an anime merch through a proxy on twitter. this proxy didn’t have an actual website so i was buying through DMs. when i paid the proxy in advance, this same parent saw the purchase and asked me abt it and checked up on the process without asking for any further info. i made the grave mistake (in hindsight) of being honest and telling them i still hadn’t received the purchase months after i had paid them so then this whole shitshow ensued where my parent was convinced the proxy was conning me (the proxy had proxied merch for other ppl before based on their facebook proxy page) and had me cancel the proxy which the proxy thankfully agreed to except they still wanted some payment since they had still gone through the effort to get the merch supposedly (the wait was due to them not shipping the good out yet) so they said they were only going to refund part of the payment. yet again i told my parent abt this partial refund and that further convinced my parent the proxy was conning me (out of $3) so they were like no absolutely no payment to the proxy. lucky for the proxy, around the time i was refunding the payment i had left home and gone back to school so i told them to refund the full amt and i’d pay them separately so i could pretend this $3 payment was for something else i was buying physically. and very very lucky for me the proxy was understanding and refunded the full amt so it looked like i got everything back and i paid them separately through another app. the thing is i was expecting the proxy to take a while bc i had seen on other twitter accounts that proxied merch through individuals tended to take a while, and it had been abt 2ish months since i made the payment. i understand the concern my parent had esp since they are not familiar with online informal dealings, but the thing is ever since this fiasco my parent has assumed everything i buy from a small business (aka anything they don’t recognize) is me getting conned again.

to a degree i understanding and appreciate the concern, but i’m frustrated bc even with that proxy payment i literally cried that night out of anxiety and concern bc i knew there was a chance i could get conned and i had spent days being like ‘should i do it. oh god idk should i. but i’ve checked up on this proxy through any means possible and they seem ok enough...’ so it’s not like i’m like naive af and being like ‘tee hee con me !!’ like i understand the risk and was willing to do it (and to this day i still believe i would have gotten the merch albeit much later than expected). and my age is considered adult age pretty much internationally so it’s not like i’m a naive af 8yo who doesn’t know the dangers of the internet. yes i haven’t made much online purchases but i’m aware of the scams and try to make sure i’m buying from a trusted seller and if it’s worth it for the price. but i hate having to be so concerned abt my spending habits and whether the package will get here in time before my parent cancels the order out of fear of me being conned “again” at my age. i’ll admit i don’t have a stable job yet but it’s not like i’m spending money every week or even every month. if i wasn’t at home i would be less concerned bc the shipment isn’t going to my home address so the parent can’t scrutinize it but bc it is now, my spending is put under more scrutiny.

anyway my parent’s low-key interrogation shook up my mental state as expected and i had to take a bit to unload on my sibling and cry a little. i know if i wasn’t at home this wouldn’t affect me as much but bc i’m at home and having to deal with it in person instead of over text or a phone call... and the damn pandemic isn’t ending anytime soon so i’m going to have to stay at home for the indefinite future. it’s not like i have a ton of shit i want to buy but i don’t want to have to deal with this trigger every few months (last purchase was back in maybe september or so towards a book publishing kickstarter which i guess bc it was only $15 my parent didn’t kick up too much of a fuss abt since technically i still don’t have the ebook i paid for). i’m not purchasing any christmas presents for friends or anyone so i don’t have that as a cover or anything. but the thing is even once i leave home i have little confidence i’ll be able to be independent and my sibling told me it’ll take a few years for me to get a grasp on things but idk. it just feels so far away in the future and i can’t envision my present self with no motivation or willpower to do it even though i mean when push comes to shove i’ll get it done i suppose. i know the rational outsider’s answer would be ‘well why don’t you start working on that better future self now?’ and i’m like great fucking suggestion and i have nothing to argue against that. i just literally cannot envision my future at this point, even if i act on my vague dream of doing art as a job. maybe once i fucking finish these finals and this quarter i’ll be able to think more clearly but idk. as i said in my last post, i really need to consider seeing a therapist bc being at home and having to handle being under my parents’ control again is really doing a number on me esp as essentially a NEET (partially false since i’m still in edu but i really do be feeling like that since i feel so useless and dependent on my parents at my age when i know others my age are slightly more independent).

i feel like this ended up me rambling about essentially the same things i ramble abt whenever i talk abt my mental health the past few years and idk how much this actually helped unload the burden on my mental state. i just wish i didn’t have to have this trigger bc i would’ve just made the purchase and then not think much abt it until i receive the package. but now i have to have this concern for the future on top of the fucking deadlines i have in the next 2 days.

#diary

[janiedean]

I think Aegon VI is gonna fail big time though because even though Varys *thinks* he’s training a perfect prince- he’s never had to deal with real pressure or real problems. He’s sheltered as fuck.

anon anon anon, never mind that I don’t think aegon has a chance in hell to last as much as I wish he did, I think your point is very much moot for the following reasons that I’ll answer to seriously:

*varys* is not training anyone. varys has planned the thing and has been there working towards it for years, but jon connington is handling the kid, not him, and jon wants the best for him, he’s not raising him so he can rule through him;

‘he’s never had to deal with real problems’: man, he’s spent his entire life in exile, they might have had resources but he’s hardly that rich, he’s also spent his entire life in essos, and unless jonc hasn’t made him leave that boat ever (doubtful because he doesn’t show any signs of that) he would have seen a fair lot of shit, so like...... man, the literal only difference between him and daenerys in this sense is that dany comes from an abusive af household and that the person she’s spent more time with was viserys who’s hardly the most stable person in existence, aegon had one loving parental figure who for some kind of miracle has managed to not give him a shitload of trauma that you’d send him to four different therapists with. and for that matter before going to the wall jon had it so not sheltered that ***tyrion lannister*** of all people had to get him to check his privilege TM at the wall and explain him why all the lowborn people hated him/that he sounded like he thought he was better than all of them because as bad as he had it with cat, in comparison to all of them he was sheltered af same as the other stark kids, and while I don’t blame ned for that........ if jon and dany were *not* sheltered according to you, sorry to say but dany’s tenure in mereen hasn’t been the best ever and jon’s tenure at the wall ended with him being so good at PR he got murdered by 80% of the damned watch in a mutiny, this argument is realy not holding up;

also: anon, I swear, not coming with a shitload of trauma actually is a good point in your favor. like, there isn’t one single person in westeros rn who has had power who wasn’t somehow having a shitload of trauma worth four therapists, and if they didn’t have it they developed it during their tenure (see: robb). and it shows because all of them make mistakes that are tied directly to their unresolved traumas. and most of them hadn’t ruled anywhere before either. the fact that every single fault aegon might have is stuff that any hormonal sixteen year-old might have and grow out from rather than consequences of trauma/abuse/fucked up family situations - like at most he’s a bit entitled but lmao if that is the problem then he can go put himself in line since westeros is choke-full of entitled people - is actually a huge point in his favor because it means that there’s a way lower chance that being in power would get a toll on his mental health and he wouldn’t handle the pressure;

also, not counting the fact that he’s more well-learned than anyone who is giving it a shot, that he speaks also essosi languages so that would be extremely helpful with keeping contact over there, that he actually studied everything that he might need to personally supervise things and not needing to trust advisors who might want to backstab him which is in itself way more than anyone else with at shot at the throne has...... guys, not to be that person, but do y’all realize that the first sign of good parenting is actually raising a kid who will disagree with you and hold their ground if they think they’re right and who won’t blindly go for anything you might want? and as much as everyone in this fandom seems to think that aegon is there to get manipulated by everyone around him.... the first thing he does when he gets to westeros and jonc tells him to stay back when they take storm’s end is going like ‘nah I’ll lead the attack and that’s final’, and also he’s so privileged and sheltered that his kingsguard requirements are ‘they’re willing to die for me’ and that’s it, not that the people in it are nobles or high lords? like, jonc raised him so badly that not only he has no issues sharing his opinion and making it value and not giving a fuck that others might not want him to do it regardless of his position, but he also has even less prejudices than jon himself who was the one telling him that the kg should be reserved for highborns? do we assume this is the kind of person who the moment he’s in charge wouldn’t gaf about the smallfolk? or who would let the small council lead him around if he wasn’t sure of what they were proposing? also he listened to tyrion’s advice and took it into account and decided to go for it based on his own understanding and guess what, aegon and jonc were in adwd for what, four tyrion chapters or five maybe plus two of jonc’s and they accomplished in that time span more than anyone else has in the last two books put together when it comes to efficiency. like. the kid doesn’t fuck around and knows what he wants and how to get it, and the fact that he’s been trained for it by people who knew what was needed for that job shows.

like: sorry anon, but aegon vi targaryen as it is right now is literally the most qualified person for that job and the fact that he also is mentally ready to handle it because the person who raised him was so bad at it that he came up with the only literal teenager in westeros who has *normal* teenager issues and doesn’t need a therapist stat and who also has, differently from what 90% of this fandom thinks, a personality and who is not afraid to show it and to use his brain to take his own decisions even if it means disagreeing with the only parental figure he has/their plans for him......... sorry to say, but it’s the actual winning card here. not counting the fact that if you had an education for ruling a realm you’ll automatically have better premises than people who did not and have to figure it out from scratch with advisors who actually have no experience with that either (like all of dany’s entourage before tyrion gets there in the show, let’s not even discuss the books, doesn’t have one single person who has that kind of training, they’re from different fields that are not counseling rulers in political matters, and jon at the wall hardly has that never mind that he pushes away most people he’s friends with which is Not A Good Idea, and robb was trained to be a lord not a king, and it shows that the moment cat was out of the picture he fucked up 90% of his political decisions.. and robb is my favorite character guys but let’s be real X°D aegon has them instead).

now, I don’t think he’ll realistically last long enough on that throne to prove it, but if this is your argument against aegon’s targ restoration, sorry but I’m afraid it doesn’t really prove anything. and for that matter if we see ‘having had a crappy childhood/having come from an abusive situation/not being *sheltered*’ as basic requirements needed to rule then we’ve got a problem, because every single noble person in westeros is born sheltered and 90% of the time stays sheltered unless they’re not the kind of people who talk to the smallfolk/get involved or are stannis baratheon and don’t gaf about class background. like, everyone noble generally is. and at that point if the choice is in between someone who needs four therapists to cope with their shit before even attempting to go for it and someone who doesn’t I’ll grant you that the latter choice isn’t automatically the worst. ps: this comes from someone whose only top five character who wouldn’t need therapy is davos, and the other four together would need at least a soccer team of them to deal with all of their shit, so I’m not saying that people with trauma can’t rule - heck, I think jon did a fair good job of it and dany tried her best and robb did too and while he was hand tyrion did an even too good job of it, and others succeeded while handling it, but if you’re telling me that the reason aegon would fail is that he doesn’t have years worth of trauma to unpack at the therapist’s office sorry but if anything it’s a point in his favor. X°DDDD

#jon connington #young griff #aegon vi targaryen #my hand slipped #sorry guys my aegon stanning side is showing #like don't take this as bashing either jon or dany or anyone #BECAUSE I <3 JON and at this point the show is making me root for dany so what the hell #but come on XDDDD #this argument really doesn't hold up sorry #janie writes meta #guys jonc was actually good at parenting make peace with it #i said what i said #Anonymous #ask post

[flowers-by-the-bed]

Just ignore this it’s just for me to try and organise myself because idk what to do right now aside from cut myself up and hit my head and I’m trying my fucking best to not do that. But as always I need the knowledge that my thoughts are “out there” rather than just writing somewhere private in order to feel like it’s helped me. Not that I have much hope for that anyway. I was doing so so well, moving on, making progress, taking control of things, finding good influences to be around and getting my work done and it all gets shattered over nothing or when my meds don’t work as well as they should. Everything in my life and everything about me is so fragile and built on such fragile foundations and however stable or genuine the changes I make seem, they are nothing. Even if my mood flips again tomorrow and things magically get better, it doesn’t make my emotions any less strong right now, and it would definitely flip back to this as soon as the next stressor happens. I hate it.

I wrote out a huge post about all my feelings earlier and it made me feel better but I went to post it and the fucking connection got fucked and it deleted itself and that alone has sent me spiralling and im so upset and angry and that just says everything, i almost threw my laptop at the wall but threw my phone instead. I’ve been trying to remember what I said because it made me feel better but I just keep crying and hitting things and myself and I cannot shake it, and that’s my reality rn

_____

I’m so exhausted being me and being this mess and I don’t want to even try anymore. Whatever I do and however much I think I make progress, I always end up back in this situation with no triggers or warning. No progress or motivation is worth it because I will never be fixed or stable and there isn’t a guide to navigate this. Why should I try and move forward when within three days this can happen and I’m back at square one. Either my meds were faulty or this is just me but who the fuck cares which it is because either way I’m just a fucking incapable piece of shit. There is no reason I should flip this quickly and feel so strongly over literally nothing but tiny normal inconveniences and the level that I hate myself because of everything and just in general is too much. I hated myself anyway but EUPD moods make it so much worse and so much more intense and I literally cannot do anything close to normal functioning when this happens. My dad came round to check how I was and I cried for a while but then I was ready to try and go out the house with him, but I saw myself in the mirror and had a complete breakdown and cried in bed for hours and didn’t speak. I’m fucking pathetic but I can feel all of the fucking fat on my body everywhere and it feels like a disease, I disgust myself. I couldn’t move or even think about going outside because I couldn’t and still cant stand the thought of anyone seeing my body. It’s vile and I hate it and even when I have a few good weeks and start eating normal amounts again, seeing my body sends me back into a spiral and I regret ever eating at all. I’m crying now because it just feels like you can see the fat expand by the minute and it makes my anxiety and anger and sadness go haywire. I don’t want to try anymore I’m exhausted trying to pretend that one day I’ll get fixed and I’ll be stable enough for myself that I can lead a normal life but it just isn’t possible. I want to drop dead because this is not living. I am exhausted of my thoughts making me think of the most triggering things when I know full well I am already bad enough that I want to die and hurt myself, and just sinking lower into that spiral until I scare myself about what I’m going to do. Every single month there is something that brings me back to this place where I remember that no matter what progress I’ve made, it’s all fake and down to some fucking pills. And as soon as those get taken away, I’m back to being some pathetic waste of space and effort who’s almost 25 and unable to even control their fucking emotions even at the bare minimum level so I can function. I felt so guilty with my dad here and me just being a wreck and unable to talk or go outside. It’s pathetic. I don’t know why I deserve a head that hates me this much and can’t do it’s only fucking job. I’m tired of faking it and tired of hating myself and tired of knowing that for as long as my life lasts, this is all it’s going to be. And it isn’t a life. It isn’t fair and I don’t know why I had to end up like this. EUPD is ugly and it is vile and eventually, whenever it happens, this will be what kills me. The only things that distracted me even a little was my dad coming over and keeping me busy before I fell back into that hole and Matt messaging me, because it grounded me a little for an hour or so because it was nice to interact when it’s been months, but it didn’t work for long. Those aside, I just want to be someone else. It’s too much, I don’t know how to get my thoughts out, I can’t get the anger out even when I hurt myself or break things, it’s like drowning in self-hate to the degree that you cannot see anything else. I just want to sleep and wake up and have this whole stupid fucking disorder and brain gone or a bad dream.  It’s not hard to see why I don’t achieve anything, I will never get to my full potential because of my brain and the boat has pretty much already sailed on me achieving the things I wanted to with my work anyway. Because of how incapacitated I have always been during education because of this. It’s not hard to see why people leave, why I am too much to handle. I flip so quickly and the anger expects others to understand what’s going on when in reality I don’t have any idea either. I need validation and then I don’t want a thing from them. It’s too much. I don’t blame anyone. I blame myself. Every aspect of my life gets fucked up by my inability to control myself or my thoughts or feelings and this is just a huge fucking pity party for me to try and organise my thoughts, just so that for the rest of today, I might be able to move my head away from them now. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m detached from 90% of the people in my life and I don’t care. I just want to hide until I drop or until just one area of my life makes sense. If I could hate myself less and not want to puke and cry and cut every time I saw my body, I’d be able to come with the sad and the angry. If I didn’t react so strongly to the smallest triggers, or felt stable, or stable in my relationships, or able to trust ANYONE, I’d be able to deal with hating myself a little better. If I didn’t read meaning into everything people say and misinterpret things, or have such a strong emotional reaction to people speaking to me or whatever then I’d have more stable relationships and I could cope better with the rest. If I didn’t have such bad anxiety affecting most of my life, the EUPD in general would be easier to control. If I didn’t feel this inability or desire to share with the people in my life who actually do care, I’d find things easier to deal with and would have an actual support system. But by my own design and suspicion and refusal to overshare and burden people directly, I’m a fucking mess. Everything hitting me at the same time, at 400% power, it incapacitates me. I wish I didn’t have a personality disorder so I knew exactly what I’m actually like, and not constantly wondering what is me and what is an illness. I wish I wasn’t anxious so I trusted people’s intentions and could be myself instead of reining myself in and being terrified of being bad at things or embarrassing myself, and never making progress with anything or anyone because of it. I wish I had a healthy relationship with food. I wish I didn’t self harm. I wish I wasn’t depressed. I just want to be someone else and be a real adult. Life is hard enough without an arsenal of chemical imbalances and broken mental Schemas. I was doing SO well and it equates to nothing. I don’t want to be a 24 year old pathetic mess of a person. It’s too much. Although I do it to myself because I’m not someone who enjoys talking directly to people about my problems and I’d never want to burden them, it’s alienating and hard to try and function without explaining what is wrong.

#personal #eupd #bpd #mental health #illness #venting

[uwuttaker]

tl;dr: brain machine broke maybe?

i hate how i seem to reside in this weird space where i’m like. more mentally divergent than your average joe but it’s not really enough to probably have something? like i’ll read the dsm checklist for something and i’ll be like “oh damn that’s me to a t!” but then it’ll talk about how it impairs functioning and then i’m like “....oh” because i like to think i function pretty well? like i go outside and do things, i’ve got two volunteering gigs that i devote 16 hours a week to and i think i’ve actually managed to finally bag myself a paying job (that i start tomorrow, pray 4 me). outwardly i’m like, the chillest most unbothered person in the history of ever. i don’t think my best friend i’ve known for 22 years has ever seen me cry. i don’t think my parents have seen me cry since i was 9.

but anyway sometimes i stop and think about how much of it is me actually functioning bc i’m Okay And Actually Mentally Stable, functioning so i present the illusion that i am Okay So People Don’t Catch On and Start Asking—the reason no one’s seen me cry isn’t bc i don’t cry but due to me not letting ppl see when i do (i actually cried 3 times this week which was uh,,,bit embarrassing)—or so i don’t become The Biggest Disappointment Known To Man and functioning bc I Live At Home With Actual Adults Who Do Most of The Cooking and Cleaning. like my bedroom is a fucking state rn and the other night i looked at the block of cheese in the fridge and thought ‘huh, if i lived alone that probably would have been my evening meal’ but i genuinely can’t tell if that would be bc i can’t really cook or if i lack the energy or motivation to cook or if i just really like cheese (hmm cheddar)

i guess that’s the thing with mental health, there’s no like, objective quantitative way of measuring it, really. you can’t slap it down on a table and compare it to someone else’s. if i broke my ankle i could go to the hospital and see the break on an x-ray and google pictures of broken ankles and go ‘oh yeah that’s definitely a broken ankle, gotta get a plaster cast on that’.

but there’s no way for me to tell if the way i’ve thought and felt for the past week and a half—like no one wants me around and even if they do i’ll always be the back up option, everyone is humouring me when they say they like me to spare my feelings for some bizarre reason, i have nothing of worth to contribute so i could just up and leave and it wouldn’t have any effect on anyone or anything and if i let on about any of this to any of my friends i am a horrible manipulative person seeking attention—is just the normal sort of insecurities everyone gets every once in a while and i’ve just let it all build up to a fever pitch and something, i don’t know what, just nudged it all over the edge or if it’s like. idk. a Thing.

really i should probably go and talk to a therapist or something about this but if i did speak to someone and it turned out this is all normal i’d probably die of mortification AND there’s no way for me to do it without the ‘rents catching on and i’d rather they didn’t fgdfsdfsfs gotta just vent on tumblr dot com instead i guess

#i probably shouldn't have written this after drinking whiskey #it took me 6 attempts to spell divergent right oh no #and it makes ZERO SENSE #but it was therapeutic so there we go #anyway you don't have to read this this is just me getting A Thought out there #studying psychology for 3 years really did make me second guess everything huh #also i'm a big fan of Randomly Capitalizing Things For Emphasis if you didn't already notice #i keep writing these tags to put off hitting post ok i'm doing that now bye #(ok i know i said u don't have to read it but you should) #(or a least like it so i can pretend someone read it and cared) #(uhh not to sound manipulative or anything)

[justpretentiousenough]

So I’ve written about this on my main blog but I’m all in my feelings rn with S5 ending.

———————————————————————

I initially heard about Schitt’s Creek from my best friend, but didn’t watch it at first. I was working full time at a job that I loved (the agency- not so much). I was able to work with queer youth and be surrounded by my friends who I was lucky enough to call my coworkers, including my best friend who was also my supervisor.

Then I decided to apply to grad school to get my master’s in social work. And I got in, which I felt very ambivalent about. So I quit my job at the Center (if you live in LA and are a part of the queer community I think you know which center I mean) and started school.

I left behind all my friends and essentially my entire support system I built in three years. I left behind my clients I loved, people I felt safe and comfortable with. I left behind joy and jokes and laughter and safety.

Then my partner really began to struggle with his employment and I was no longer making a salary (a non-profit salary, but a salary nonetheless). I lost my work-covered health insurance and had to get on Covered California. I began school and had to be a student again. I was placed at an internship located on Skid Row working with individuals fresh out of jail, the majority of them older cis straight men. I had never been so aware of my age or gender in a workplace until this year. I was lonely and sad and isolated and stressed out. I was questioning why I quit my stable job that honestly wasn’t going to lead to anything but at least it was STABLE and SAFE.

I was in a horrible place mentally. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hibernate for five years until I was post-grad, my partner was employed again and I could just not exist for a while.

Then one day I remembered my best friend mentioning that show with the dumb name and I saw Catherine O’Hara on the Netflix screen capture and decided to give it a chance.

And holy shit. I. Fell. In. Love.

Seeing these characters have this slow burn growth gave me something to feel invested in. Seeing David learn to love himself and be loved by someone in return. See Patrick come into his own and his sexuality. Seeing Stevie get unofficially adopted into the Rose family. Seeing Alexis show true growth and achieve all these things. Seeing Johnny and Moira acclimatize to the town and still remain steadfast in their love.

This show is like a hug and was the hug I needed. Dan Levy brought joy into my life when I needed it most. I felt less lonely and sad because I knew I could watch this family grow and love and thrive. It makes me hopeful for my future too. And it gave me a community here on Tumblr.

These words won’t truly and adequately describe how much Schitt’s Creek means to me.

So thank you Dan Levy.

#and thank you Noah Reid for existing #schitts creek #schitt's creek #dan levy