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tkachuksoralfixation · 3 months

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1st sentence ask game:

Connor is one second away from absolutely losing his marbles.

Been brainstorming this for a while and since you gave me a really amazing idea in the discord server i give you: avatar au

I did this game entirely wrong and just used the sentence as inspiration rather than as the first sentence.... And then this fic is 1.1k. so. Yeah.

Anyways! Ficlet under the cut 🥰

For a majority of the years he's spent hiding, Connor has experienced true peace.

The destiny that was preached to him ever since he was old enough to understand the concept of fate and prophecies never quite faded away. Every day, he relives the pain, the guilt, the shame of running away. Initially, Connor traveled the world alone, nearly starving and surviving solely on dedication and foraging. He was incredibly lucky, after two years, to have found solace on Kyoshi island.

It wasn't exactly a place, in Connor's mind, that he would seek out for his hiding. But the Kyoshi warriors offered him protection and their secrecy, along with a home, training, and anything else he could possibly need or ask for. And, well, Connor wasn't exactly in a position to deny their services. So, four years later, he's somehow managed to stay hidden while still keeping himself in decent shape.

While he did run away from his fate, Connor did still believe it would eventually find him. That he still had a duty to avenge the Air nation. What he didn't expect, however, was that it would find him today.

Grocery runs have become pretty standard for Connor in the past year. He travels by foot to the nearest village, picks up anything and everything he or the warriors need, and heads back to their secluded village. No problems have ever found him. The folks in the surrounding village never recognize Connor, and even if they do, they never ask. His privacy is protected on Kyoshi, and that's part of the reason he loves it so much.

That is, until now, when he's on his usual grocery run, and a stranger shoves past him with complete disregard of the bustling streets around them. Normally, Connor would apologize and move on, but this guy stops and addresses him directly.

“Watch where you're going, you flaming hog monkey,” the stranger snaps, his voice aggressive and rough.

Connor opens his mouth to apologize, but he freezes. The man before him stares at him with icy eyes, a vaguely familiar face glaring at him expectantly. Immediately, he's taken back to the day he ran, to the faces of the soldiers who infiltrated his home. The faces of uncaring, soulless puppets of the Fire Nation, wiping out his friends, family, everyone he knew.

He's older, now. He's grown into a rather nice looking young man, and if Connor wasn't haunted by his past, he probably would've never recognized him. But he relives that night over and over again, and he has the faces memorized. This man is no different.

Yeah. Connor is one second away from losing his marbles.

“Well?” The soldier hisses, his face contorting into an intimidating frown. “Are you just going to stand there and look stupid? I have places to be.”

Connor rapidly blinks, trying to tie his thoughts together. What is he supposed to say again? What even instigated this aggressive behaviour? Wow, it's hot outside today. Where the hell are his words? Why does his tongue feel heavy? He's fucked. Oh, spirits, the Fire Nation found him and they're going to torture him for the rest of his life, fuck, what is he supposed to do? He could run. He could easily take this guy out, probably. That is, if he's a regular soldier and not a firebender. If he was, Connor was fucked.

Oh, Spirits, Connor is fucked.

Thankfully, someone else interrupts their awkward encounter and snaps Connor out of his panicked state. Unluckily for Connor, however, it's another soldier. Fuck.

“Could you stop disappearing on me, Leon? It's almost like you really don't wanna be around me,” the second soldier announces with a grin, clapping the first— Leon, he picks up— on the shoulder. He's the same height, with curly hair and a decent build. Yeah, Connor doesn't stand a chance against these two.

“It's because I don't,” Leon retorts, still glaring at Connor, “I'm trying to get this idiot to understand he needs to watch where he's walking.”

Connor swallows hard as the new guy's eyes drift towards him. The three of them sit in silence for one moment, two moments, then three. When a flicker of recognition ignites in the second soldier's eyes, Connor knows it's time to book it.

“Um,” Connor quickly scans the area for the quickest escape route, “I’m really sorry for running into you. I, uh, I really do have to get going, though. Sorry, again.”

Just as Connor goes to scurry away, the second man grabs him by the wrist. He whips around, eyes wide like a deer in headlights. No, no, no, this isn't happening. He can't let this happen. He can't get dragged away when he's finally found peace. Or maybe this is destiny finally catching up to him. Maybe he should give in and let himself be taken, face his fate head on.

But he meets eyes with the second man. His face is kinder, the only lines on his face caused by the grin he currently wears. There's no animosity, no malice, not a hint of nefarious intentions in his body language. That confuses Connor. Shouldn't he know who he is by now? Shouldn't he want him dead?

His question is answered in an instant. The soldier simply smiles apologetically towards him before he speaks. “Don't mind him, he's just cranky from the long boat ride,” he says, making light of the situation, “I'm Matthew, by the way. You seem familiar, do I know you from somewhere by chance?”

And that's Connor's cue to leave. “Thanks, Matthew, but I'm positive you don't,” he quickly stumbles through the sentence, pulling his arm away. “I really do have to go. I'm sorry for running into you again.” He says it as confidently as he can, and then he's walking away as quickly and inconspicuously as he possibly can.

As he walks away, he hears the two of them bickering still. He feels incredibly lucky as he takes the path back the way he came, keeping to the treeline to avoid being followed. There's no way Matthew will go very long without realizing where he recognizes Connor from. He remembers Matthew pretty vividly. He remembers his hesitant face, back then, young as he was. He remembers meeting his eyes, silently begging him to have mercy.

And, well, that night didn't end the way Connor wishes it did. Somehow, though, he feels like what Matthew just did was a semblance of an apology.

He knows he's lucky.

He also knows it's not long before his location is no longer a secret.

#tkachuksoralcreations #hrpf #mcmattdrai #kind of?#i dont wanna tag the individual players so #anyways. to give a little context for this au #square and i decided that in this au there can be more than one avatar so that we could have more than one generational talent as an avatar #so far i only have Connor's storyline figured out (adjacent to Aang's) but I'll figure out who goes where later #but matthew and leon are firebenders!#Matthew's been on a journey to find Connor ever since he found out that the journey to find the last airbender wasn't to protect him #and that the massacre of the airbenders wasn't because they waged war on the fire nation #and leon is just there so he can prove matthew wrong and bring the airbender back on his own #but. well. they both kind of fall for the skittish guy that is the last airbender #huzzah #lmk what you guys think and if youd like to see more of this :)#it was super fun to write!

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greyias · 4 months

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Every now and then, I'll see an explosion of the same post (or series of posts with a similar theme) across my dash about something happening in bg3 circles and I just kind of tilt my head and go "...a'ight?", because it's like six degrees removed from context.

Then I continue scrolling, because I'm very happy in my oblivious, curated little corner.

#i guess i have a well curated dash?#because i'll see you all complaining very loudly and passionately #about SOMEthing #and i'm like 'damn glad i'm not following the person/tag/whatever that generated whatever this complaint is about'#no no you do not need to tell me whatever bad take or idiocracy is going on #i prefer my low/no-drama out-of-touch experience i'm having #i can always tell when something spectacularly stupid is going on though #because everyone is vaguecomplaining #and then it dies down in a few days

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mirananananan · 8 months

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little life update/rant below :)

i feel like i've been so inactive lately which makes me big sad, but when i say i have not had the time, i'm being so serious. yesterday i literally woke up, went into work an hour early, stayed after for almost 2 hours, went home, made dinner, and immediately sat down to work on a grad school assignment and then had to work for another hour before i went to bed. then i woke up this morning and did it all again. it just feels like that's how my days look more and more recently, and it's been really hard tbh. it's demoralizing and just sad to work all day and still wake up the next day wishing i had done more, still with a mile long to do list, and knowing that it's just going to keep being this way for at least the next couple weeks.

anyways all of this is to say that i'm just both really grateful for and sorry to all my mutuals who have continued to tag me in things and stuff in the past couple weeks :) it may sound weird or dumb, but if i'm being honest i have SERIOUS fandom fomo right now, and, even though i haven't really had time recently, it's been nice to not feel like lost in the shuffle or forgotten (i told u it was going to sound weird).

being on tumblr/in fandom has truly been the most incredible escape and been such a stress relief and source of happiness for me. i'm still very much here, just lurking and liking more because i'm conserving brain bandwidth as much as possible during the week!!!!

#to get more personal in the tags i started going to therapy #i've never had good experiences in the past #but it's going really well so far #and i'm proud of myself for making the time even when i've been so busy #i've also stayed consistent w my gym schedule which is so important for my mental and physical health #so like. i am doing things other than working #but i just don't have as much time to do little fun things rn #also in case anyone cared the reason i'm so busy at work is because on top of just having a busy job generally #i'm also a glutton for pain and i run our student government #and homecoming is next week #and it's just..........so much stuff to do #so many emails to send so much to coordinate so many people to please #but it's almost over!#just have to make it through a 60 hour work week next week and i'll be fine #ALSO i keep forgetting it's my birthday next week #will lowkey be the worst birthday of my life but oh well 26 is a lame birthday anyway #personal

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vargaslovinghours · 1 year

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Requestober 2022 Sketches: Vargas Edition

Btw, you’ll be wanting to keep an eye out for this playlist! It’s updating once a week every week until every day of Requestober has been posted, so for quite a while lol, but there’s a few already up!

Day 1, starting the month off with some cuteness! ♥ I originally had Scriabin a bit more inquisitive and curious behind Edgar, just kind of shyly ducking out of view, but I do like the full fluster that I ended up with ♪

I also imagined Jake in a jacket throughout the fic but I felt like it wouldn’t communicate well from behind haha. Everybody gets jackets! Hehe, Jake-et. Scriabin super flustered and blushed up, being touched by someone other than Edgar in a nice way ♥

Day 3 got multiple hug doodles, big shock there lol, I wasn’t sure what to do with such a broad prompt at first, so I just did all of the ideas I had lol. I do love when they hold each other soooo closely, hugging for dear life <3 Holding the back of the head is so sweet to me ahh. And then a silly one where presumably Scriabin got a bit heated and needed some cool-off holds. Maybe if you stopped jumping straight to fight every time-

Truly, what is a hug tho, does a cuddle count?

This time Edgar being impulsive and wanting a hug! I drew these a bit apart but I thought they fit together well, always one acting responsible over the other, they trade it back and forth ♪

And then what finally ended up being Day 3 <3 It’s toootally not a hug you guys, it’s just the two of them holding each other up, nothing deeper than that, just ignore the ♥ hehe

Day 4, what a rambunctious scamp! He looks so pleased with himself with that fake cigarette haha

I took the lines pretty much directly from my traditional sketch, no digital re-sketching, but you can see in the final version I forgot Edgar’s antennae haha

Day 8, the first of the minicomics >:3c I really couldn’t help myself, like I said in the tags, I’d been waiting for two years to get the idea out of my head and onto paper and it turned out pretty much exactly like I wanted it to ahh ♪ Moth Edgar with big fluffy wings and antenna! Too cute!

And of course Scriabin looking as dorky as possible lol ♥ That’s what you get for being an impulsive Act Now Think Later kind of guy! I think the original line I wrote that heck-while ago was “It was funnier in theory” but I think this phrasing is cuter :D

Day 10 went around a few times before I settled on the final version, I originally had Scriabin directly touching Edgar’s scars but I decided that was a little too bold for ‘’’’’’strangers‘’’’’’ to come right out of the gate on. He’s not going to listen to you if you stomp all over his boundaries right at the start! You have to ease your way in first lol

More of Day 10′s meandering ideas, almost got the dialogue I wanted

Rude

And finally settled on a single image! It’s dialogue-heavy but I think it works well ♪ I had a few extra notes, like where to put the lines of dialogue, Scriabin’s hand on Edgar’s face, that Edgar accidentally ended up being tiny in comparison lol, all good stuff

“You should give worshipping me a try”

You didn’t think I forgot about the hug that become Day 11 did you! This was part of the initial Day 3 set but it got repurposed, say thank you anon. I really love when Edgar manhandles Scriabin around a bit, mean as it can be sometimes, and the idea of him being strong enough to pick him up but maybe not vice versa, ah, it gets me! A hug he truly can’t get away from, unless he wants to fall over. At least he’ll take Edgar with him lol

Day 12 took a bit to get started as well, I wanted something where Scriabin is actually being a faily guardian but I only came up with him being a little blindsided to begin with

Of course he’d have to wear it, even paper flowers go in Scriabin’s hair ♥

More cutes while brainstorming, napping together ♥ (psst, @fandomfriend, here’s what I was hinting at ;)

But I did finally get there in the end! Panels out of order of course lol, but was even able to get the caption and some of the tags together haha ♪ I like the final version too, but I honestly think Scriabin’s expression in the 2nd panel is great ♥

Day 13 got a few different costume drafts! In fact, I very nearly went with the first one, partially because it was a costume I had when I was little haha. Todd the plane and Shmee the aviator! Very cute. I also considered both of them dressed up as wildlife explorers which was also very cute, but in the end I’m happy I went with the King and Prince theme :D

Day 14′s spooky spider theme ooh ✨ I do wish I’d had a bit more time to work on it, but I’m still pleased with how it turned out, sketch included! Scriabin being spooky in the background is always fun, and he’s got even more lenses to flash from than usual haha

A few days after I did the initial sketches, I returned to the web idea because I kept thinking about how sparkly Ilwrath webs are and I wanted some sparkly webs myself! I thought it would suit Scriabin as well, him “catching” small shards of glass, sparkly stones, pieces of mirror, little trinkets - things that represent him :)

And then a silly follow-up to being tossed into the web lol. Are you gonna argue with a 6′ spider? Didn’t think so

Day 15 was one that I didn’t have the sketch to work with while drawing so I had to use it as an on-hand reference instead haha. I do think both versions turned out nice! Especially Scriabin’s hand on Edgar’s hip haha ♪ The head angles changed a bit from sketch to final and I can’t decide which I like more honestly - Edgar demure and Scriabin leaning further in here is just so sweet

I did end up doodling Scriabin setting everything on fire and bringing out his wings, just a little bit haha ♥

I just kept poking around at ideas for Day 15! I remember having a very strong image of the two of them moving through an indistinct background until Scriabin settled them at Eat Or Die (lol) while reading, and that also being very defined in my mind’s eye but I’d never tried to draw it up to this point. I might return to it on a future reread

And then as well I got to thinking about the Scriabin of the stories they make up together, and how he’d always been separate from Edgar until they met, how different that would make him, how his glasses would always be grey :0 Melancholy

Day 16 was much the same as 15 in that I didn’t digitize directly from the sketch, thus the lack of brush here haha, there’s only so far grooming manually can get you! Definitely struggled with keeping his silhouette clean, he gets lost in all that fluff hehe

@brusk-ghost asked to set aside the 18th so I actually made these a bit early, around Day 12, but it finally got the spotlight for Day 18! The posing changed around a good bit, as well as Edgar’s attire. I’m glad I went with the waistcoat, the négligée I had in mind would’ve probably been just a bit too much lol

I actually drew the bonus first, had to segway into real vampirism through silliness first lol

Day 21′s crossover yaaay <3 I love Camilo! He’s probably my second favourite character right after Bruno so I was happy to draw him again, and I always love Todd meeting up with people who are nice to him :D

I wasn’t sure of his hand posing at first so I doodled a couple extra Todds hiding behind Shmee but in the end I’m happy with what I went with :)

Day 22′s original draft was a lot sillier, even than the silly thing that become the final version lol. You’re making Edgar concerned, Scriabin! Edgar’s not the only one who needs to get out more haha

Day 22 was I’m pretty sure the first time I’ve actually drawn Shmee “alive”?? I’ve doodled him emoting before but like, intentionally looking like a blank-faced teddy bear, if that makes sense. It didn’t feel out of the ordinary or anything which is maybe even more odd haha, it was fun to doodle him being cartoony

And then there’s this lol. Like I mentioned in the tags, I was really struggling with Scriabin’s reaction expression, so I tried a few different ones before I remembered about the Spamton face, which you can even see my notes for there in the upper right corner haha. Scriabin makes the best faces! It was fun to draw him a bunch of times, even with the little frustration of not knowing which one I wanted haha

This one was, as noted, probably a bit too much lol

And then finally, mostly what I wanted and ended up using in the end haha ♪ Muppet mouth <3

Day 23 was a simple only-one-doodle-needed kind of day, thankfully haha ♪ I knew going into it that I could use my little error message box so I threw it in for funsies :D

Day 24 was originally pretty different! It had Edgar’s aim a lot closer to where it should’ve been, but it didn’t involve anything other than his hands and I wanted all of him to be included, so I had to scrap it, which also meant most of Scriabin’s mask :( I also didn’t get to draw Edgar straight-on, but I wanted to give him a whole bunch of accessories for vampire hunting! Belt of stakes, a gun with silver bullets and a leather chest holster, all decked out! I’m pleased enough to have drawn them all here haha

I think the final version is the happiest medium tho ♪ Little bit of the mask, some blood (including the bite Scriabin left on him in Day 18! Now bandaged ♪), and Scriabin’s really fun hand pose holding Edgar’s neck ♥ I do really have to give it to the anon for putting the butterfly imagery in my head about it, fancy look ✨

For day 27 I wanted to do some brainstorming first since I don’t usually draw zombies. It ended up being a bit more sad/scary than I wanted, but I was still trying for at least a little silliness; Scriabin is using bullying humour to try and cope but he’s scared too </3

The final version ended up much funnier I think, and more dynamic! :D I was absolutely thinking about the beginning of Lilo and Stitch, when Nani intentionally falls onto Lilo lol, it’s the Older Sibling instinct, and the Younger to complain about it haha

The first doodle for Jealous Edgar, could be about anything! Drew Scriabin’s glasses as grey so it’s probably After, but what if it was in reaction the Player from the Dating Sim? He just comes home and grumpily hugs him haha ♪ Scriabin pulling a “You’re so obvious” himself hehe

And then the alt ended up becoming the final version! I’m not sure how well it came across in the final version, but I intended for Edgar’s pose to look like he was holding Scriabin behind him, like sweeping his hand to keep him from being very visible to the player while Scriabin peeks out to wave goodbye. It was really fun to draw his Jealous™ eyes traditionally haha, the scratchy texture feels like it really brings out the “Back Off” vibes ♪

I had a few more ideas for UI, to do with the little ❌s at the bottom of Edgar’s text box; the three states of the boxes are empty, ♥, and ❌; both ♥s and ❌s are indelible, meaning if you insult one of them enough, you lock out the opportunity of filling that box with a ♥, ever. In this run, Edgar has no ♥s and three (or here, five) ❌s, meaning the player was real mean to him

And finally Day 31 ♥ I only ended up doodling these like, twenty minutes before drawing them digitally so I didn’t get a chance to scan them in beforehand, which I think is a real shame! I mean, look how cute Edgar is! Slightly more awake eyes hehe, and I wasn’t sure where to put Scriabin’s “you know” at first

Speaking of traditional cutes, look at how floofy Scriabin ended up being! Adorable 💕

So that’s all of the Vargas Requestobers from 2022! Busy busy busy year!

#💟#Doodles #Art #Jake #Edgar #Scriabin #Todd #Shmee #Blood #Sketchdump #I've decided to officially-unoffically add Requestober Roundups to the sketchdump tag since I mean - that's effectively what they are lol #I got very close to Vargastober this year huh lol #Of all years I definitely wasn't expecting Year 3 lol #It was fun tho! Lots of very unique ideas that were fun to work with :D #It was also the first year to completely fill the slots and considering how many were Vargas I'll have to give big thanks there hehe #And even still I had way more ideas than what were sent in haha ♪ I guess that's how it goes after a hiatus #Please do check out the playlist as well! It's been an interesting endeavor making all the videos >:3c #You'll see what I mean about not having the sketches in some of the upcoming ones ♪#And just in general I hope you enjoy them because I enjoyed making them :D #Thanks again to everyone for participating ♥ It was a fun year and big big big thanks to you

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waterfallofspace · 4 months

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first time drawing The Boy Himself <3

(not snz, and not perfect, but I'm pretty proud of it so I'm putting it here! Didn't use references, though I did use the popular headcanons about what he looks like <3 not spoiler in my mind so I'm not gonna stick it behind a cut, but I did tag it <3)

#waterfallart #vaguely spoilerish but generally its pretty well known kind of things so aghgh- please forgive me if it should be more spoilered!!#I don't think it's spoilery enough to put behind a cut but i will tag it as such!#and feel free to tell me and i'll stick it behind a cut <3 #first time drawing this boy <3 #i subscribe to the common headcannons of him but uh #didnt use references aside from clothing ideas for this!!! and im kinda proud of myself for that #its not amazing- im not that good yet but i am so excited to get more into sketching/drawing just because i WANT to #not a snz piece but maybe one day (eyes eyes eyes haha get it)#been so hyperfixated and having a character i cant actually be WRONG about is so comforting #relistening with friends and i think im gonna start doodling/drawing him (and TIM my beloved <3) whenever i have the motivation #but anyways! posting here bc im proud of myself for it <3 #even if its not very good or not snz- im still happi about my first jon <3 #magnus archive spoilers #m/agnus a/rchives spoilers #not snz

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tvntheatre · 7 months

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Guess who dug themselves into a rabbit hole of being hyperfixtated on their favorite musician?

You can't blame me, she's fucking amazing. Their music, as much as I don't want to put them to such high standards, is absolutely perfect.

Yes I'll admit, the second doodles are quite amateur for my own standards, but you can't deny the fact that A, The first doodle is phenomenal, and if you disagree it'll be met with ignorance, and B, Stupes has amazing fashion sense and a great costume set team. :]

#The Stupendium #Byron Brimstone #📙Stupendous Sing-alongs!#.. should I even tag ‘‘Neath!’’??#Maybe I'll actually post more #IF I remember to.#(And have art motivation.)#[And I don't get distracted.]#[[AND I DON'T DISAPPEAR FOR MONTHS AGAIN!.!]]#{ And I have ideas #or an introductory post? }#/Generally putting this up to fate./#I really want to draw literally everyone's so talented at this stuff #I am very damn intently watching because I really want to fucking know how they do it.#Do I talk a lot?#I talk a lot.#I really want someone to talk about random shit with.#OH WELL #TIME TO TALK TO A WALL AGAIN!!

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icewindandboringhorror · 10 months

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I’m always paranoid of my tumblr being deleted or malfunctioning or something like that someday, so here’s other places to find me/follow me, just in case lol

~ instagram - https://www.instagram.com/lucalicatte/

~ main youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/LucaLiCatte

~ games/sims youtube - https://www.youtube.com/@cloudycatte

~ facebook page (I rarely use this because I hate facebook but.. it at least allows text posts better than instagram does, so idk maybe I’d use it more if tumblr went away? lol) - https://www.facebook.com/cloudycatteart/

~ Other Links (stuff I don’t use often/isn’t Main enough to list here, like twitter, neopets, other tumblr sideblogs, youtube channels, etc.) are here - http://icewindandboringhorror.tumblr.com/otherlinks )

#An updated version of this since some of the links on the old one are no longer the same lol #I might make a website website one day (not with a custom domain since I'm not paying for that/dont have the money lol #but like a 'my name.weebly.com type thing lol) but I haven't had the time recently. If I ever get around to it I'll update the post and #reblog that version. ANYWAY.. I just like to have one of these written out to reblog every once in a while. During the once ever few months #when poeple are like 'tumblr is failing again! it wont survive!' which has happened like 80 times but I'm still always like :0c what if!#also love the ms paint art done with a mouse ghhj #ANYWAY.. also if you want to see the stinky game I made that's not actually related to my own worldbuilding really (why I have never #posted anything about it publilcy because it's like.. how do I talk about it lol) I have my itch.io linked in the 'other links' page #as well as my General Projects blog. which talks about all the ongoing and upcoming projects I want to do that are #actually set in my world and can give you previews of some of the things I'm working on. Currently resuming my Game after abandoning it #basically for the entire pandemic and a little before that - as mentioned before - so that's OUgh.. in terms of A Lot Of Work #Especially since while kind of 'revamping and updating' I want to add a few features which are mostly easy but every once in a while #I don't understand something and it's like....... hGGhh...... Ironically despite Blogging I just hate talking to people in public open foru #.. I love privacy and security lol.. and I always feel that ONE day I am going to have a question that has not already been asked on a foru #somewhere and I am going to have to post myself and.. no.. I shan't even imagine it.. It's not even really social anxiety it's just like..#efficiency.. instead of wating like days to get an accurate response and resolve the problem with the general public I would rather just ha #e a one time 30min conversation with an expert and resolve it quickly. PLUS then I also only interact with One stranger instead of Many Of #Them lol.. any 6+ yrs of experience Ren'py experts hmu so I can pay you like $50 to have a single 45min conversation #with me over an insanely simple question and then never talk to you again until a year later when I have a second question. hhjb #ANYWAY.. I still really don't like instagram or it's layout and I never understood how it works like.. if I should be tagging photos or wha #or how you really use it and I just... euGH... stimky.. but it is one of the most popular so I feel obligated to link it. I wish facebook w #sn't such a nasty poo poo because I do actually like the variety of posts you can make and how Pages on facebook operate. In the scense of #it being similar to tumblr that you can make a VARIETy of styles of post. not just Only Post Photos or Only Short Text or Only Video which #is still like.. how the funk does sutff like that even get popular lol.. the Limited nature.. hewwo.. but alas.. and NO way I'm touching #fucking Threads please do not make an account on there and don't let your friends do it and don't let that shit catch on lol.#BUT YEahg... links...... just in case.. i hope tumblr stays aroundin it's current format forever though lol..#I'm pretty sure even facebook doesn't have audio posts. or tags the way this does. or CHRONOLOGICAL FEED. custom html for pages.. aaaaa

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anarcho-masochist · 7 months

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Okay, I thought this was universal but maybe my last three therapists were right that it is not:

Is it normal for boredom to be truly unbearable?

As in, worse than anything else, would rather get eviscerated while fully conscious, will do anything to escape it which might actually include suicide if no satisfactory options are available?

#it's bad #and no it's not 'when you aren't distracted you're forced to experience existing pain'#I'm not generally suicidal. There are a lot of things I enjoy and want to do. I have plenty of problems but I tend not to care about them.#I do have things to do. Usually even if I don't want to do anything I can entertain myself since I can't switch my brain off anyways.#Literally infinite things to think about #The problem is when none of it feels interesting or exciting enough. Which doesn't make any sense at all.#If I'm unbearably bored and a friend makes the mistake of talking to me I get really toxic. It is a problem.#Usually I have great self control when it comes to destructive or toxic behaviors but not so when I want to end it all because nothing is #interesting enough.#It's like 'if I do something really extreme I'll stop because bored'#Bad things happen...#Or I try to overdose or slit my wrists #better yet is when I try to get myself killed because suicide isn't good enough.... great reasoning (disappointed)#I met three of my ex boyfriends that way #Note to self to stop fucking men i get in knife fights with PLEASE #it is ALWAYS a bad idea. Has never turned out well.#Invariably they always either have anger management/impulse control issues or they're just arrogant jerks who want to be tougher than you #sometimes both #Man really rambling in the tags here. Should probably delete that. Oh well. POST

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hellguarded-moved · 1 year

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SUBJECT: characters most relevant to the lore, be it by importance, how they've shaped and affected the world, or by their relation to ignis. tw: frequent mentions of drugs / narcotics, implied transphobia, implied rape, mentions of body dysmorphia, super long post.

≥ FILE 020: CONQUEST_

given name lucius. codename derived from his true name. the horseman of conquest and pestilence, he is the one that had given birth to the organization known as 'gonchiye.' translated from russian to mean 'hunting dogs,' it is advertised as a supernatural police force of sorts, meant to upkeep the law and balance in the society of non-humans. the truth is much more ominous than this noble goal lucius presents it to the public with.

the gonchiye was built upon the remains of an ancient pit fighter ring, where humans would imprison supernatural beings through the use of binding magic and make them fight for their entertainment. as time consumes all, lucius had eventually only found a sole survivor of it all— and decided to use this one as a test vessel for a new plague he was developing for the inevitable apocalypse, that would be brought for once the time was nigh; lucius is the second oldest of the horsemen, and even though he rode first, he leaves leadership of the group to the eldest, death. he rides upon a white horse, going by the name glory, and his weapons of choice are a bow and arrows.

the truth beyond this organization is that it is the horseman's way of preserving world balance. each of the four horsemen has their own way of going about it, and while some are more questionable than others... in the end, it is for the greater good of the world. or so they say. many, especially mortals, have any sort of understanding to actually comprehend this divine task. for lucius, this means eliminating targets that, in his opinion, endanger this delicate balance, as well as constantly improving. this could mean many things— be it in regards to biological or technological advancements. one could very easily classify the nephilim as a mad scientist, and they wouldn't be wrong.

lucius has an odd quirk in that he never uses abbreviations, verb conjugations, or contractions. his manner of speech is very proper, if not outright snobby. he is by no means a coward, but he is the type to make others do his bidding for him; it's the very reason why he utilizes the hundred of agents ( there are no more than a hundred active agents at any given time ) within the gonchiye to carry out tasks for him. tasks that are masterfully masked so that the true ambition behind them isn't discovered. generally speaking, there is but a handful of people within the organization aware of the truth, and all of those are under tight scrutiny— to the point of being collared with a collar infused with a special serum meant to make these beasts docile and easily compliant with his wishes. it isn't humane.

ignis is one such agent. once, he dared even to call lucius a friend. the two were rather close, due to them being of similiar ages. ignis is also one of the few people able to actually keep up against lucius in a fight. and they did fight. unfortunately, lucius possesses light magic, which is incredibly effective against an infernal like the hellhound— it has left him with an ugly scar across his chest. their friendship ended and relations became tense after ignis' failure with mission 298: to dispatch stormbringer.

with ignis' continual failures to deliver after that incident, he's set an execution order on him.

≥ FILE 057: LINCEI_

given name kalisha. codename derived from the italian accademia dei lincei, named after the lynx whose keen eye is neccessary for scientific research. kalisha is a nekomata of spanish and japanese origins, and was one of the very first members of the gonchiye. unlike most members who had joined voluntarily under the impression that they'd do some good in the world, to the lynx, it was offered as means of vengeance. kalisha harbors a deep hatred for humans from the times hunters had taken her husband and son, and she's never gotten over the loss. due to her then-violent tendencies, she was also one of the first agents to be collared.

the drug worked well, far too well perhaps, as not long after, her aggressive demeanor had mellowed out. a side-effect of this was the very prominent deepening of her voice, leaving it husky and nearly sounding like a chain smoker. once under control, she's been retired from field missions and was instead tasked with helping with the research— something that had allowed her quite the deep insight into the truth of just what lucius was aiming for. with her mind numbed like so, however, she did not have the willpower to do anything about it, other than simply play along.

that has changed once she was introduced to project talonshot. while their interactions were limited for the sake of conditioning naoto into a cold-hearted killer, she did end up doting on him and treating him like her own son. it could never be the same, and not just for the boy being different, but also due to the strict security within the gonchiye walls, she could never be as open with her affection as she could hope for. nevertheless? it gave her some hope and determination in perservering in these conditions.

ignis considers her his closest friend. both of them were early members, though she's never told him the truth about lucius and the things she's learned until much, much later. she believed she was protecting him this way. they had interest in each other at one point and had tried dating, but things never quite worked out, and so they simply stayed on friendly terms. she is someone ignis can talk about just anything, and he knows she has his back, while he has hers. they had numerously teased each other for their tastes in partners, especially once she'd learned that ignis had taken naoto as his lover and mate, but the truth was, she was very happy for them both; and would entrust her son to no one else.

kalisha eventually meets the current warlord of the red oni tribe and decides to stay with them ( or rather, they had rather forcibly kidnapped her from the gonchiye. she didn't resist or complain ) and become their queen as they became lovers and partners.

≥ FILE 094: NIHIL_

given name noctis. codename derived from his umbrakinesis and the ability to create black holes. about 500 years younger than his half-brother, he harbors immense jealousy towards ignis and has set out along with his cousin, eryx, to earth to seek him out and hopefully drag him back to their home in the underworld. was it selfish? certainly. did that stop them? no. noctis used to be rather clingy towards his older brother as a child, so seeing him run away from home like so was incredibly traumatizing; he practically idolized the hound.

contrary to his half-brother, who is the result of a hellhound and an erinye, noctis is a pureblooded erinye. he is rather apathetic and laughs at the misfortune of others. he is mean, but not neccessarily evil. his magic can be destructive and he can be rather ruthless in a fight. such talents had earned him the position of a saboteur; but not without a collar.

noctis is a trans man, but lucius knew that he possesses female biology, and took advantage of it. his genes were forcibly used in the creation of project talonslash, which has left the erinye with deep mental scars. he'd never felt insecure about his body until that very moment that someone abused it like so. as a result, he's come to loathe talon, even if the boy himself hadn't done anything wrong. long since losing ignis again after his exodus from the gonchiye did he not want to stay anymore, but getting out was never easy. this, though? this was the last straw.

≥ FILE 273: HELIOS_

given name sirius. codename derived from his title, 'the sun of the underworld.' sirius is the current hound of hades, something of a king of the hellhounds, inhering the title of cerberus that goes with it. such tradition is something ignis is aware of, therefore his bitterness about lucius choosing to designate the codename cerberus to him within the gonchiye.

sirius had an affair with tisiphone, an affair from which his ( currently ) only son was born. a bastard perhaps, but he still wished for him to take up the mantle of cerberus once it was time. unfortunately, tisiphone didn't agree with this; she wanted the child for herself, or at least, to have him make whatever choices he wished to later in life. fiercely protective, she hid herself and baby ignis within erebus, the shadowy pocket dimension of the underworld, only accessible to the erinyes and a few others. ignis did take after this fiery desire to be independent, maybe a bit too much, and yet, he felt like his mother was smothering him; not allowing him to leave erebus until... until what? he didn't know, and she never gave him the answer. eventually, he heard the call of hades; a call every hellhound must answer. one that only they hear, and cannot resist. under the influence of the call, he managed to break free of erebus.

that was the first time he and sirius met, some three hundred years since ignis' birth. perhaps a bit too enthusiastic to meet his son, sirius was quick to introduce ignis to just about everything that was to be expected out of him— once, they might have even ended up on good terms. but feeling that his father, too, wished to force his dreams and ideals onto him, ignis came to resent his father more than he did his mother. he swore to never become the next cerberus, or have anything to do with sirius at all. he avoided him like the plague.

sirius is an outgoing, charismatic, yet arrogant individual. he and ignis are quite alike, in both looks and personality, much to his dismay. nowadays, sirius realizes he might've been a little too pushy with ignis, and he regrets it greatly, as he would have loved to be on good terms with his son... he still hopes for as much, even if the rational part of him knows that will likely never happen.

another custom for the hound of hades is to take up two mates, so as to represent the other two heads of cerberus. sirius, dutiful as he is, eventually enters an arranged mateship with xolotl and tiangou, two guardian hellhounds from different cultures, later accepting the names of sol and luna, the sun and moon to sirius' star. this mateship is especially important in these trying times, where the guardian breed is near its extinction— sol is expected to carry the pups of both luna and sirius. this polyamory is yet another parallel between father and son, but ignis remains unaware of this so far.

≥ FILE 298: STORMBRINGER_

given name shinjou. codename derived from his ability to control lightning. this kitsune was the unfortunate patient zero as the sole survivor of the earlier-mentioned beast pit fight business. he was unaware of this predicament until much, much later, that this sickness had started to show itself. at first, it was simple nausea, then it turned into something akin to tuberculosis, and eventually, his very body had started to change.

shinjou is incredibly technically skilled, something of a mad scientist himself to rival lucius, but where lucius seeks the biological, shinjou is more interested in the mechanical. while being the head of a yakuza group called 'the order of the lotus,' in honor of his deceased father, he also owns a cybernetics company that specializes in highly advanced body implants and prosthetics. his twin brother had once lost an entire arm in a fight with a red oni ( this same oni had later also targeted shinjou and took his eye, leaving the fox blind in one eye ), and he was more than eager to provide for his brother with the technology he's developed. later in life he even attempts to build an adroid from scratch.

besides technology, shinjou is also a skilled sniper and hacker, on top of being a very influential person in kyoto— and slowly, all of japan, though for all the wrong reasons. the order had become feared, and its influence had even changed the widely-accepted meaning and symbolism of the lotus flower— where it once was a symbol of purity and rebirth, it is now something to be feared. shinjou experienced many hardships in his life, starting since childhood where he was exiled from the kitsune clan he lived in, for being born a twin, as twins were considered a bad omen. only one of the brothers was allowed to stay, and shinjou wasn't it— he never harbored any ill will against his parents or his brother for making that choice, however, only the clan elders. the twins were separated for most of their life before reuniting.

it only went downhill from there. getting caught and imprisoned within the fighting ring, which then cost his father's life, then getting used as a guinea pig, and even once he'd gotten out of all of that? he was adopted by a yakuza oyabun, who then taught him all that shinjou currently knows in regards to that kind of life. once the man had passed and shinjou took over, he renamed the group to honor his late father, and made it to be the most fearsome group kyoto had to ever deal with. all the misfortunes and abuse led to shinjou closing off his heart to love; and that was where ignis came into play, who'd, despite his own hardships, managed to stay soft and tender.

ignis was originally deployed as a long-time infiltrator agent into the order of the lotus, as per lucius' orders to learn all that there was, and then take him out before the plague had time to spread. this had gone on for twelve years, during which the hound, expectably so if you know anything about him, had developed romantic feelings for shinjou. he failed at pulling the trigger at the end, but shinjou still learned about the truth behind ignis' presence within the order— he was incredibly hurt by his betrayal, given just how much loyalty means to the fox. so much, that he insists every members gets a lotus tattoo ( hand for regular members, the neck for high ranked members ) to show their loyalty. and that's exactly what ignis did, and the fact that he bore the mark of the lotus and still stabbed him in the back like so? was something that broke the fox. one might have thought there was still some hope for salvation for him, but since then, he'd become unreasonably cold and cruel. he was letting no one close to him, ever again. even if later he'd found someone whom he calls a mate, a woman called abigail medusa, even with her the relationship is incredibly unstable and full of vitriol.

however, he still had to thank ignis. thank him for this opportunity to actually learn about the gonchiye, lucius, and the truth behind his undiagnosable illness. this meant war.

≥ FILE 309: TALONSLASH_

no given name. or? 'talonslash,' eventually simply referred to as 'talon' by his fellow agents for simplicity's sake ( despite lucius' disdain ) was purposefully left nameless upon his creation. project talonslash was meant to be the successor to project talonshot, which was, after ignis' influence and tampering, deemed a failure. the codename itself was derived from the mother project talon, plus a contrasting word to the original shot, as the birds were specialized as snipers.

talon is a very particular kind of a genetic experiment, as his dna consists of that of a tengu, falcon, and an erinye. noctis, to be specific. it was an ugly memory. this was made so that they could force his body into becoming resistant to physical stress, as that was deemed as one of talonshot's greatest weaknesses. they couldn't possibly make a durable bird assassin if they wanted him to remain swift and agile, and so, they went with the route that would make talon's body dissolve into shadows whenever exposed to immense physical trauma. therefore, it is incredibly difficult to actually wound him— if you manage to catch him in the first place. he struggles to actually control this side of himself, and everytime he is forced to dissolve like so, it leaves him feeling besides himself, in a nearly dissociative-like state.

his purpose, much like his predecestor's, is to be a living weapon. cold and heartless when taking the lives of his targets, and highly efficent at doing so. he is incredibly skilled with firearms as well as small hand weapons, such as knives. he also had extensive close quarters combat training, and while he excelled at it, it remains not his forte. talon much more prefers to pick his enemies off one by one from a safe distance, unseen. besides that, being agile as he is, usually leads to a more hit-and-run technique of fighting, plus he never properly learned how to handle and counter blows, due to how his body reacts to such assault. but given just what a dreadful feeling having to turn into a shadow leaves him in, he prefers to simply avoid getting hit altogether if he can help it.

despite his lack of identity and the ease at which he kills, he is a surprisingly bubbly and carefree character, if not a bit silly. naturally, he was allowed very little socializing and given even less affection while growing up, and while that had turned talonshot into the apathetic man that he is today, it seemed to have the very opposite effect on talonslash, leaving him childish and very eager to please. the primary person he seeks validation from is talonshot, whom he considers his older brother, even if their actual relation between them is a lot more complex. too bad he hadn't seen him for the majority of his life— only heard about him in stories, constantly compared to, and told just what kind of image he needed to live up to, and then subsequently surpass.

eventually, he was given the name hayato by none other than his brother upon finally meeting. as it is rather new to him, sometimes he still struggles to actually react to it should someone call him that— while he will always, without fail, respond to talon.

talon himself isn't incredibly important to ignis, rather he is important to his husband, naoto, and the one originally dubbed 'project talonshot.' their meeting and further interaction together was important for the development of them both; helping to find themselves among the scraps that the gonchiye had left them in.

honorable mentions, aka characters not played by me ( but @hellhunted ), but still very important:

≥ FILE 093: ORTHRUS_

given name eryx. codename derived from the mythological brother of cerberus, which was the designation assigned to ignis, due to the brother-like relation between the two. eryx joined the gonchiye together with noctis, hence their numbers following one another's. lucius was quite eager to have another hellhound at his disposal thanks to their unique ability of phasewalking.

eryx is a very... airheaded individual. a lot of things go over his head, but his heart is in the right place. he never truly saw the gonchiye for what it was; he and noctis only joined it as means of getting ignis back. eryx was collared nearly right from the start as precautionary measure, as lucius did not want to take any possible risks, having witnessed what troubles the elder hound could, and had, caused him.

ignis was something of an older brother to eryx while they were growing up together in the underworld. but where ignis ached to escape it, eryx wished to remain home. in his selfish desire for as much, ignis had abandoned the younger hound without a word on numerous ocassions. he feels great guilt about this all, but it just never seems like a good time to actually stop and tell him— and his cowardice prevents him from actually ever seeking him out and properly apologize. what kindship they had, is slowly dying out.

≥ FILE 308: TALONSHOT_

given name naoto. codename derived from the mother project talon, plus the word shot to signify his specialization as a sniper. talonshot was lucius' first attempt at dna splicing to create a perfect being with the exact kind of traits he desired. it was... mostly a success. naoto was intelligent and effective, and excelled at everything they put him to, which really mostly just involved assassinations with no feelings attached— something he noticed a lot of his agents often struggled with. to separate their duty from their emotions. ignis especially. but what was especially important and unique about naoto? was that, since he was just the first prototype at this kind of bioengineering for the future, he was also made disposable. 'talonshot' had an expiration date.

talonshot's purpose was to take care of the most important mission lucius had once entrusted ignis with— nowadays he really wonders just why he'd ever trusted that sap with something like this —to take out stormbringer. not only was naoto then succumbed to years of intense training to make sure he was ready for that encounter, his blood was also, since birth, infused with the antibody to the horseman's plague. he was meant to contain the plague, to get rid of the first specimen who wasn't meant to escape, before it started to spread prematurely, before the world was ready for the apocalypse. a clean state for the world was neccessary, but the time had to be right.

however, ignis was still the only person who had the most experience with stormbringer and as such, he was assigned as naoto's handler once he was out of initial basic care and training. they were still sent out on numerous other missions in gonchiye's name, but the long-term goal was to make sure that talonshot knew how to properly employ all that he'd learned against his main target.

you cannot teach new tricks to an old dog though, so long story short, the two ended up falling in love. it was true that at first, ignis despised naoto and all that he was meant to represent, but more importantly— he despised just how all the higher-ups were treating him. like he wasn't a living, breathing being. it took years upon years to make naoto believe that that was who he was; his true name, and not 'talonshot.' ignis strongly believed that he could be an efficent killer if that was who he wished to be, but he didn't need to completely forego his identity for it— and so, the many years of secret relationship were also a lot about helping naoto discover who he was behind all the guns and bullets.

they eventually made it to japan again, fully determined to see talonshot's mission to completion, only for the kitsune to prove a much deadlier foe than either of them had anticipated. ignis' direct orders were to not interfere, to let naoto handle it himself. but once he saw his boyfriend, his mate, nearly on death's door? he didn't hesitate. he'd saved him, paid a heavy price for it as he'd transformed into his true form to do so, and in the end, he still left the fox to live. his mate was alive, but he'd effectivelly ruined all he was working to achieve. enough said that naoto was furious at him— and so was lucius, which eventually led to him marking ignis as a traitor, and a kill order was issued on the hound.

naoto eventually forgave ignis, in fact, he'd eventually even proposed to the hound— the first man to ever do so, no less —and once he was chased out of the gonchiye, he followed after him. they've been on the run ever since, trying for some measure of a normal life, only to be crossed by the more loyal gonchiye agents on a handful of ocassions— until they met rashida and her resistance.

≥ FILE 388: SERQET_

given name rashida. codename derived from the goddess that she was a priestess of in her human life. the first human ignis had ever come into contact upon earth; and also his first ( and, romantically enough, also last ) lover and mate. she was the one to teach him about humanity with a hands-on approach, she was the one to teach him the first human language ( ancient egyptian ) and how to live like a human. due to an injury acquired from his less-than-graceful escape from the underworld, ignis was stuck in his demon form for a good while before recovering, making that a little troublesome; the locals had come to believe that he was an avatar of anubis coming to bless them. once discovered a fraud, both him and rashida were chased out of the temple.

since rashida had shown him her own home, ignis suggested they visit greece; his home on the mortal plane. it was there, closer to the magic of the gods, that he managed to mend the damaged mortal seal and take on a proper human guise. they'd been separated on numerous accounts, oftentimes by means outside either of their's powers, and yet each time, they found their way back to one another. one time she'd died, not long after ignis was recalled back to the underworld against his own will upon hearing the call of hades once again ( as it was louder within greece— for that reason, he now avoids the country ), as many mortal human would, which was something ignis should have expected... and he did, and yet? he couldn't accept it. especially because it wasn't death by natural means. he came to beg persephone to have her resurrected— such a selfish wish of a selfish lover, not at all caring about the consequences it might have had on her. the goddess told him as much, but he wouldn't take no for an answer; eventually tasked to find her soul that had passed on so that she could protect it personally for the times to come, while the spring deity worked with the egyptian goddess serqet to help restore the woman's body.

it... proved problematic, naturally. suddenly inhabiting a soulless vessel, turned into a demon like so, and all for the canine's selfishness and inability to let go. he was warned, but he was willing to face it head on, and was given another hundred years together with her— to help her learn about herself, her new body, her new demonic abilities. it was rough, as the reborn demoness despised herself for being this way, that ignis had done this to her... it took a long time of learning and self-reflection for rashida to accept both herself and him, before... ignis was called back once again, now that his hundred years were up. not that he was willing to stay, but another escape proved more problematic than the last, far too much to actually still be able to find his lover where he'd unwillingly left her on earth. since then? he hasn't seen her again... not for another two thousand years.

due to her own traumas of being reincarnated and forcibly turned into a demon ( and therefore stripped of her soul ) found the drive to fight against the gonchiye and the horsemen, to protect the humanity. even if she didn't possess her own anymore, she still holds humans dear to her heart, and simply couldn't accept what the horseman was doing. she, and many others outside the system, had discovered the truth, and a lot of it was thanks to all the wrenches ignis and naoto had thrown into lucius' plans. an alliance between mortals and immortals was formed, and came to known as the resistance against the coming apocalypse; though more importantly, against all the inhume methods the horseman of conquest is employing to upkeep his precious balance. lucius still insists these puny beings cannot understand the neccessity and importance of a world reset, and so, these two factions are now at war.

these were the two thousand years that had passed, until she's met ignis again— though this time, now a married man. it hurt her heart, certainly, as did the hound's, given just how awful and guilty he felt for all the pain and trouble he put rashida through. nevertheless, she offered the two of them shelter from the gonchiye, after having learned that they were hunted by them— and not long after, even naoto had started to warm up to the demoness. they're all now happily together in a polyamorous marriage.

≥ FILE 523: EMPRESS_

given name persephone. codename derived from her sovereign status to match with her husband, hades, the 'emperor.' persephone was something of an anchor to ignis while he was chained in the underworld. she provided him with light, both literally and figuratively, and with stories of earth— one might even blame her for the yearning he's come to feel for it. he's even come to develop a crush on her but of course, such feelings were not reciprocated. nevertheless, she was the one to bless him with the mortal seal upon his shoulder, that allowed him to appear human and walk freely on earth.

#// WHOOPS THIS TOOK A LOT LONGER THAN I MEANT IT TO BECAUSE I WROTE A LOT LOT #// this is like actually SUPER LONG but if u read it all i'll love you forever because LORE #// also sneaky promo before it's Properly ready but you can now find these characters and more #// to be interacted with on my sideblog @hellwrought #// i decided to NOT add hades and tisiphone to this particular list right now because. while they certainly are important and influential?#// i don't have a lot to say about them besides just. 'this is his rightful master and his mother' gdfkgkf #// sirius at least or maybe unfortunately so is a lot more developed muse than both hades and tisiphone so i chose to include him because #// he do be working hard on his own duty #// help me though turns out i have no general hc tag???? gkjgkjf #// well.#lore.#notes. ( “CERBERUS” );#notes. ( “CONQUEST” );#notes. ( “LINCEI” );#notes. ( “NIHIL” );#notes. ( “HELIOS” );#notes. ( “STORMBRINGER” );#notes. ( “TALONSLASH” );

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nerdnag · 11 months

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Tw trauma recovery (no details)

I experienced a trauma when I was 16 that I've yet to fully recover from, and while I have tried to work through it in the past (with varying degrees of success), I've had a long period of time in the recent years where I've basically given up and tried to pretend it doesn't exist. For various reasons however, I intend to try to work on it more actively from now on, with the hope of possibly getting out the other end a healthier and happier person.

I've found an amazing self-help book that almost seems like it was written for me, it's so accurate. But it's incredibly difficult and anxiety-inducing to work through it all, so it's going to be a rough and demanding process 😔

Any pep talk or words of encouragement would really do a lot for me, as this will probably be the most difficult thing I'll ever do in my life and I am very scared (but I'll do it anyway!!)

#Tw trauma recovery #Tell me if I should use more/other tags. I never know what to tag for but it's super ok to request a specific tag #I might post more about this in the future as well #I don't know how in depth I'll go though because although I think it would be helpful for me to write about it #It's also a very sensitive subject #So I'll probably keep it rather general/vague #Tw trauma

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after-nine-at-the-oasis · 7 months

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The Stampy's Lovely World Finale is today and I'm not ready <3

#I haven't watched it regularly in years but #ouch xd #I watched the episode before the most recent one because it was uploaded when/shortly after I found out it was ending soon and I'll watch #the most recent one (maybe the one before the one I watched as well since it was building the flower power sequel as well) before #the premiere but just #sighhh :'( :')#it's so amazing and was such an influential series on me #I'm gonna miss it so much <3 #it's 8 pm bst for anyone who doesn't know #minecraft #tagging the general game because stampy's mcyt but also just so important in general #mcyt #oasis's mcyt chatter #stampylonghead #stampy's lovely world #😭💔#<3 ❤️

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fragmentedblade · 7 months

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The way Luocha's conversation and confrontation with Jing Yuan was established in terms of a xiangqi match (or whatever it's called ingame in the English translation; "starchess", I think?) was great, especially with how Jing Yuan congratulates his last move.

How Luocha's course of action is laid is also very typical of xiangqi strategies for what I've been reading, especially when it comes to the use of the general piece. Jing Yuan has to abide to the law, can't move, and is forced to let Luocha get away with what he wants to do.

#In xiangqi the general can't leave the Palace and can't face straight ahead the opposing general without another piece blocking them #While this is a nuisance at first it's key in developing strategies in the middle and final stages of a xiangqi game for what I've read #Because well used it forces or conditions the opponent to move or not move certain ways #For what I've seen‚ but I'd have to check again because it was several days ago and I forget things‚#Blade's comment is not just about being bested but is also spoken with xiangqi games in mind #So I think this is a bit what is happening in this confrontation #Also Blade's words evoke the image of Yingxing and Jing Yuan playing together and bickering over it and I adore the idea haha #Again‚ I'm not censoring names right now. It breaks my train of thought. I'll come back later in a bit #If this appears in the tag I'm very sorry and please ignore me. I'll solve the issue in a bit #I talk too much #I should probably delete this later #Traces

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neverendingford · 9 months

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#tag talk #vent #I don't wanna do the whole “I'm so good at psychology cause I've fixed myself. I should go into counseling” thing that overly empathetic #empathetic people do. but like. nothing like deconstructing a tense social conflict to make you feel good #the smol autistic minecraft enby who adopted me had a moment and I helped break down the situation and resolve shit with them. it was cool #but also I immediately went out to the living room and napped for three hours. thinning that hard was exhausting.#do you ever do the depression nap thing? when I'm doing well I never sleep during the day. but when I'm sad I take naps a lot #because I don't want to be awake and I sleep poorly at I night and am just generally lethargic so I nap on the floor or couch a lot #ugh knowing the stress will go away doesn't help the fact that it's super awful right now.#it's times like this that I wish I'd really committed to it in Feb. like. in two weeks I'll be better and joy de vivre and all that.#but right now? ugh. big fuckin ugh #the minecraft emotional labor thing is just a natural responsibility of being a 25 year old playing online video games with 15 year olds.#if I see a situation blowing up I can't hear sit by and watch someone destroy their friendships on the server. I have to help #but also bro I am struggling to help myself. maybe I say I'm packing up my pc early so that I have a good excuse to stay off the server #I literally did the thing again where I make new friends. make everyone love me. and then get burnt out at the speed of light and disappear #making friends is so easy. leaving friends is so easy. nothing is forever and we all die someday. blah blah blah you know it already #meaningless meaningless. all is meaningless. maybe king Solomon was just fuckin depressed when he wrote that. sure sounds like it to me.#I just can't do anything when I'm like this. we're subsistence living now bois.#I wonder if part of my neurological damage is from the lead I used to eat in high school.#the windex shots can't have been good for me. but I don't think that stays in your body the same way #though it did fuck up my urinary tract for a few months. that was wild.#anyway. I wonder how much of my chronic periodic funk is just effects from bad choices and how much is normal natural inevitable.#everything is an ocean. nothing is a lake. the waves are always thirty feet high and the troughs scrape you on the bottom of the reef #nothing is midline except when you're rushing through to one extreme or another.#you're either overstimulated or absent from your body entirely #both of which cause wild and oft unbearable dissociation.#everything gets better and everything gets worse. I'm only like this when I'm stressed. but that's my secret cap (avengers reference)#anyway. I'll survive. I'll make it. I'll live because I need to become even more gay to make my family mad.#I need to keep living so my dad realizes just how much he's lost touch.#so my mom cries about how she should have done something differently so I wouldn't grow up gay. because that makes so much sense right?

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vvanessaives · 2 years

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OC SPEECH MANNERISMS.

i was tagged by @indorilnerevarine @nuclearstorms @liurnia @morvaris and @swordcoasts thank you so much beloveds, ily!!!

tagging: i feel like this already made the rounds so i’m tagging whoever wants to do this <3

BASICS

NO. OF SPOKEN LANGUAGES >> 1 / 2 / 3+ (english, french, spanish, sign language + can understand a bit of italian since she can speak spanish)

TONE OF VOICE >> high / average / deep

ACCENT >> yes / no

DEMEANOR >> confident / shy / approachable / hostile / other (polite, stoic)

POSTURE >> slumped / straight / stiff / relaxed

HABITS

head tilting / swaying / fidgeting / stuttering / gesturing / arm crossing / strokes chin / er, um, or other interjections / plays with hair or clothing / hands at hips / inconsistent eye contact / maintains eye contact / frequent pausing / stands close / stands at a distance

COMPLEXITY

VOCABULARY >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️⚪️

EMOTION >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️

SENTENCE STRUCTURE >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️⚪️

PROFANITY

FREQUENCY >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️

CREATIVITY (in regards to profanity) >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️⚪️

BOLD THAT APPLY

arse / ass / asshole / bastard / bitch / bloody / bugger / bollocks / chicken shit / crap / cunt / dick / frick / fuck / horseshit / motherfucker / piss / prick / pussy / screw / shit / shitass / son of a bitch / twat / wanker

THIS OR THAT

straightforward or cryptic? / finding the right word or using the first word that comes to mind? / masculinity, neutrality, or femininity? / formalities or with abrasiveness? / praise or equivocation? / frankness or lies? / excessive or minimal hand gestures? / name-calling or magnanimity? / friendly or blunt?

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

DO PEOPLE HAVE A HARD TIME HEARING OR UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHARACTER? almost always / frequently / rarely / never

DOES YOUR CHARACTER’S POINT COME ACROSS EASILY WHEN THEY SPEAK? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never

WOULD YOUR CHARACTER INITIATE CONVERSATIONS? almost always / frequently / sometimes / never

WOULD YOUR CHARACTER BE THE ONE TO END CONVERSATIONS? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never

WOULD YOUR CHARACTER USE ‘WHOM’ IN A SENTENCE? yes / no / only ironically

YOUR CHARACTER WANTS TO MAKE A COUNTERPOINT. WHAT WORD DO THEY USE? but / though / although / however / perhaps / maybe

HOW DOES YOUR CHARACTER END CONVERSATIONS? walk away / ask if that’s everything / say that’s everything / give a proper goodbye / tell their company they're done here / remain quiet / they don’t

WHAT SOCIAL CLASS WOULD OTHERS ASSUME YOUR CHARACTER BELONGS TO, HEARING THEM SPEAK? upper / middle / lower

IN WHAT WAYS DOES THE WAY YOUR CHARACTER SPEAK STAND OUT TO OTHERS? accent / vocabulary / tone / level / politeness / brusqueness / it doesn’t

BASICS

NO. OF SPOKEN LANGUAGES >> 1 / 2 / 3+ (italian as mother tongue, english + can understand spanish and even say a few lines)

TONE OF VOICE >> high / average / deep

ACCENT >> yes / no

DEMEANOR >> confident / shy / approachable / hostile / other (polite, stoic) + way too smug for his own good

POSTURE >> slumped / straight / stiff / relaxed

HABITS

COMPLEXITY

VOCABULARY >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️

EMOTION >> ⚫️⚫️⚪️⚪️⚪️

SENTENCE STRUCTURE >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️⚪️

PROFANITY

FREQUENCY >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️⚪️

CREATIVITY (in regards to profanity) >> ⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️⚫️

BOLD THAT APPLY

THIS OR THAT

straightforward or cryptic? / finding the right word (just to say something wrong to piss off someone lmao) or using the first word that comes to mind? / masculinity, neutrality, or femininity? / formalities or with abrasiveness? / praise or equivocation? / frankness or lies? / excessive or minimal hand gestures? / name-calling or magnanimity? / friendly or blunt?

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

DO PEOPLE HAVE A HARD TIME HEARING OR UNDERSTANDING YOUR CHARACTER? almost always / frequently (sometimes he expresses himself with italian sayings translated in english that...ofc don’t make much sense to anyone that doesn’t know about them) / rarely / never

DOES YOUR CHARACTER’S POINT COME ACROSS EASILY WHEN THEY SPEAK? almost always / frequently (but with same problem as above sometimes) / sometimes / rarely / never

WOULD YOUR CHARACTER INITIATE CONVERSATIONS? almost always / frequently / sometimes / never

WOULD YOUR CHARACTER BE THE ONE TO END CONVERSATIONS? almost always / frequently / sometimes / rarely / never

WOULD YOUR CHARACTER USE ‘WHOM’ IN A SENTENCE? yes / no / only ironically

YOUR CHARACTER WANTS TO MAKE A COUNTERPOINT. WHAT WORD DO THEY USE? but / though / although / however / perhaps / maybe

WHAT SOCIAL CLASS WOULD OTHERS ASSUME YOUR CHARACTER BELONGS TO, HEARING THEM SPEAK? upper / middle / lower

IN WHAT WAYS DOES THE WAY YOUR CHARACTER SPEAK STAND OUT TO OTHERS? accent / vocabulary / tone / level / politeness / brusqueness / it doesn’t + rudeness sometimes

#tag games #i remember doing smth like this for violante and moira once so now it's the besties turn <33 #sorry i rambled a lot in tags so jfsjdk be ready #fenix's speech patterns are so important to me...making him speak and be incomprehensible is everything to me.#the thing about his vocabulary is that basically he doesn't show it but he has a wide knowledge + his vocabulary in italian is far more #impressive than in english but he knows. he just knows. about the emotion jfhsdjk i said this once but he can sound quite lethargic when #he speaks. to show he doesn't care + english doesn't let him go off on the emotion side + he can get quite lively on some occasions when #he's excited about smth. about his general bastardness: it's fenix. it's him u know how it is #for vesper: well in general it kind of depends she can be friendly but still look a bit hostile. she has a bit of a >:c face even when she #doesn't mean (i love her) and in general doesn't trust easily strangers so unless you're her friend already she will sound kind of..mean #but she speaks a lot from emotion. rage annoyance joy ecc ecc it shows. it just shows i love her madly you all can't imagine #and she swears a lot bc my beloved you are allowed to. if someone goes u shouldn't swear that much you're a woman she would simply kill them #also about the languages: spanish and italian sound very close so it's easy for them to catch on some words and phrases (as an italian: i #can understand some spanish fjkds) plus they teach each other words and things in those languages a lot <33 fenix hates french tho #and can't understand it for shit. he's not going to admit it but he finds it quite hot when ves speaks french :) me too king #i love making those kind of things because it shows me how similar these two are even if they feel so different idk how to explain myself #or maybe it's just each other's influence u know..this makes me sob and cry. lovers/friends influencing the other behaviour so they sound #and act like each other my beloved #I'LL SHUT UP NOW SORRY #oc: fenix #oc: vesper

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