#I'm not going to lie about myself

[amerasdreams]

people dont like me anyway so I might as well do what I want and believe in what I believe in

#Not conforming #To anyone #Just to get them to like me #Not who I am #Got to be more ok w this irl.... #To not do so tears me apart #Thus I avoid people #Bc I will cower before them ;( #Unless really mad #How do you do one thing in a split second when you have conditioned yourself #When your personality has forced you #To do another? #I hate lying #I'm not going to lie about myself #I have been saying on social media anyway... #I just am not the kind of person people like #Like dad #That Yiddish word schmo or sth #That means useless person or #Ppl take one look at me and are like: ew #Even on here #Pariah #Oh well I always have been what else is new

[dendroculus]

at this point the house should just go for a new record. how many did they have to do in 1856? 133 rounds? we can beat that. it would be hilarious

#talking to myself #us politics #faq about this post: #1. i am not a locked tomb/gideon the ninth fan. i barely know what it is and those aren't my tags #however i don't mind a little bit of post hijacking every now and then so enjoy your stay ig #2. the person who reblogged with the tags isn't deactivated. they are pretending to be for reasons unknown to me #3. i think this actually happened in 1859 my bad #4. this isn't going to happen and not gonna lie i'm a little disappointed!

[qpjianghu]

Mysterious Lotus Casebook ~ ep. 31

All these years, he's always been alone. You are the only friend I've ever seen him with.

#mysterious lotus casebook #li lianua #feng duobing #this scene wrecked me six ways from sunday #because llh continues to lie to him CONSTANTLY #but fdb understands that it's who llh is #how llh MUST be in order to LIVE with himself #and fdb is willing to put up with a llh who lies through his teeth rather than a lxy who is honest about himself #because then at least he'll be with a LLH who is ALIVE #and whenever llh talks about lxy being dead he means it #he cannot phyiscally live with the reality of who his past self was and what he did #so fdb expressing here that he doesn't need to know every inch of llh #is the greatest expression of love and acceptance I've ever seen #it's a devastating and bittersweet inverse of #the mortifying ordeal of being known #and I think I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now #(PS llh's heartbreaking little smile at the end is maybe the most sincere expression of happiness we've ever seen from him and I AM NOT OK)

[goldkirk]

I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!

#I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING #IT DOESN'T HAVE TO OVERRIDE ALL OTHER PROGRAMMING EVER AGAIN #HA #MY GOD THAT FEELS LIKE TWO DECADES OF RELIEF #and I found out yesterday. that this year. next winter. it IS two decades. exactly. this is the year. every day i am shown new reminders #that keep me going in my mission to relearn to fully and instinctually trust my self #ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief #a firm 'you think there's any universe where i'd feel like i could trust myself? after my nonstop history of failures and being horrible?' #tone “No!” of disbelief #and a horrible way-too-harsh laugh that bolted out before I could strangle it off and stop it. #that woman never coddled my feelings any time I spoke something alarming or bullshit and that was so helpful to me #and the tone she let exist in her voice when she responded to me with a very uncharacteristic “Oh Katie.” #was so. so much more agonizing for me. than her responding with an immediate logical slam-dunk of the truth about healthy behavior and stuf #anyway ramble over i'm so tired. i've done so much trauma work this week i am Drained emotionally #now i see what the past several months but especially especially #the baffling (to me) infuriating out-of-control-speedrun-somatic-processing + every-health-condition-flaring slog that December and January #were for me when I hadn't expected anything to be wrong #...and the extremely specific way this certain zone and particular incident kept coming up over and over and over and over and OVER was not #a bug. it was a feature. thank goodness i trust myself for little things now bc that's the only way i was able to get to this other side #and look back and suddenly realize that my subconscious and body knew what they needed and had a plan in progress the whole time. just like #i rationally say I trust them to have and do. #and that perhaps maybe. for real for real instead of just TELLING myself hard enough a lie that i trust my self and i trust my body and tha #they always know their own needs and timing if really slow down and listen to them f u l l y #anyway. yeah. bye haha i need to stop oversharing on the internet #trauma evolution #shh katie #personal #my god. i wished for this day more than i wished for anything else my whole life. all these many many many many years. what magic. #add to journal #abuse

[moregraceful]

accidentally invented a new form of no bedtime called 11pm glass of emergency-c + 4pm latte + 8pm cup of black tea + 9pm cup of black tea

#the real question is can i go to church on less than 5 hours of sleep and still function lol #i unlocked my instagram bc church wouldn't stop tagging me to direct people to me for stuff but that meant i had to delete a bunch of pho #tos AND rewrite a bunch of captions for photos i didn't WANT to delete bc i was too mean to random sharks prospects #which is fine if it is u know the anonymity of tumblr but not public instagram where my church won't stop FULL NAMING AND TAGGING ME #''anonymity of tumblr'' i doxx myself on here like 80 times a day in front of more people than i went to college with #anyway my point is i was going through deleting all evidence of politics pens fandom and legal documents and i was like damn #my attitude towards my team SUCKS. i gotta be way less of a hater!!! #what did my prospects ever do wrong besides everything NOTHING. the system is BROKEN. i am sorry i will be so much nicer guys :( #also if u really want to be humbled. scrolling back to 2012 on your instagram and re-experiencing senior year of college. BAD #i've deleted i think everything that would reasonably get our nonprofit status pulled but what a horrific journey it was #two full hockey intermission periods of deleting shit plus another hour at home doing several more passes and then rewriting captions #so that some poor 21 year old prospect randomly searching their name doesn't see me full ass call their teammate cringe #their teammate IS cringe. but i love him. but the nuances are lost on instagram people don't understand these things they take everything #at face value #don't know why i just assigned shakir mukhamadullin they/them pronouns #i think i need to go lie in bed with a blanket over my head until i suffocate #this ALWAYS happens i get too hype about mackenzie blackwood and start listening to selena gomez and then it's like almost 3am and i'm just #fresno oilers.txt #oh and. a friend sent me screenshots of the girl she's been flirting with on a dating app and they are SOOOOO cute #i hope they make a good run of it i really do bc it was SO cute. living vicariously through episcopalian lesbians as one does #but then i was trying to figure out how to edit my dating app profile to dissuade chasers but still honeytrap guys who are tall enough #or athletic enough to pick the tangerines at the top of the tangerine tree. bc i couldn't reach this week #but there were still like god maybe 150 tangerines on the tree. i was like this could be feeding people but i'm TOO SHORT #and my life will be like this. FOREVER #icb the future of this garden is so psychologically burdensome that i'm having to build it into a dating app profile lol #well now that i'd treated this entire tag set as twitter for and hour and a half #time to go try to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and then wake up in [checks notes] four hours

[purplelea]

One thing that I go crazy over is that Joshua didn't actually lie. He never said he wasn't the Composer. He never said he didn't kill Neku. Every single thing he said has always been partially true or at least not false, or impossible to verify. But he has never ever actually lied in any way. Prove me wrong.

#I'M GOING CRAZY OVER THIS. #you know i myself wrote like today that Joshua lied because it's always easier to say 'he lied' #instead of 'he said something that wasn't false so he didn't lie he just didn't mention the truth' because like. #it always FEEL like he lied. but he didn't #bastard boy. i hate him (affectionate) #twewy #joshua kiryu #léa rambles #yes this is about the last post i reblogged but i didn't want to out my rant on the pretty art #especially since it's just about the caption yknow #anyway. i'll die on this hill #joshua fans come for me i'm ready. (i'm gonna be proven wrong in a minute probably but it's been nice knowing you all)

[kyouka-supremacy]

—

#random rambles #Technically I'm done with this month's header since yesterday. #Practically I've been feeling so insecure about it I've been procrastinating looking for an icon or uploading it at all #Like it *was* natural to have a downgrade in themes I've said it myself a lot of times. After 24+ themes it's understandable I'd run out– #of inspiration (or even simply material) for the very cool stuff #That said. I did very much spend the whole entire day from when I woke up to when I (started studying at past 2am) went to sleep on it #That's what I get for working with the anime tbh. Bones artstyle is ugly there's little to be done about it #While making it I also came up with other two themes concepts. #One is probably going to replace September's plan and the other idk will probably slid to the next year #Idk looking at this year's planned themes lineup it all feels full of things I'm not skilled enough to make... #On top of everything this February's theme wasn't even what I had initially planned!! The one I had initially planned was a chapter 33 pane #Idk why I didn't follow up with it. Maybe I've just grown to think manga panels are too simple (terrible choice) (rip) #I think the thing that bugs me with both the initially picked image and the anime header I made yesterday– #is that there's no smooth transition with the blog. And I know it's not a big deal but pretty much all my themes do and it's bothering me.. #And it shouldn't. Like nearly everyone uses an header that is sharply separate from the blog and they make it work #Uhm.............. #Idk I should be studying besides. #I think I'll either go looking for an icon and see how the overall theme looks on the blog. Maybe I'll like it better then. #Or I'll just start over and see if I can use the ch 33 panel I had in mind and see if I'll like THAT better #It'd just be a shame if after all the time I've spent on it yesterday I'd just let it lie unused on my computer #There's also the fact that black and white of the manga doesn't feel very February-esque... (Don't ask) #Ugh. I hate looking for icons it's always the worst part 😭😭😭 #I was considering the last Beast Atsushi illustration (because ofc I was) but idk. Idk if I can make it work. #And part of me is also like “don't use beautiful Hoshikawa Beast Atsushi on an ugly theme” LOL #But I also suffer heavily from the lack of Beast in this year's lineup. #Okay rant over. Shutting up now #Edit: If this month's theme is ugly please be kind #Edit 2: Jk I've found like four icons. Maybe I'm just very dramatic

[shima-draws]

There’s nothing quite like getting a wedding invitation from the guy you used to have a crush on in high school

#Hmm. Feels awful!! #Me to me: Maybe. I'm not quite over this. #IDK IT FEELS WEIRD MAN. I'm very happy for him. But also kinda bummed at the same time. #I think I'm more just dreading showing up and being like aha yeah! Here I am! #I haven't changed at all since we last spoke! Not at all!! #Nothing new or exciting going on with me ever. No accomplishments. No partner I can brag about. NOTHIN #Hey anybody wanna show up as my fake date. Fake dating to lovers AU /j #Idk it just feels wrong to keep hearing from my friends in high school who are all getting married and having kids #Meanwhile me. Who has never dated anybody ever. And has nothing to show from the past five years: #SORRY I'M JUST HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS I GUESS. AT THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 26. #Me: I've been dealing with my anxiety and depression on the daily for years now and yeah that's it how are you #My friends: I got my dream job and I'm marrying the love of my life and I'm going to buy a house soon!! #I WANT TO CRAWL INTO A HOLE. AND DIE. YEAH. THAT SOUNDS GOOD #Sorry I need to sit here and feel pathetic and hate myself for a second. Then I'll get overe it #*over #Shima speaks #Maybe I can lie and say I've been backpacking through Europe for the last five months. LMAO

[kevin-sedai]

The vibe really deteriorated as the day went on, and now I'm sitting in bed, awake, feeling like garbage

#it was an okay weekend but i was jittery and numb for most of it #tried to write christmas cards for the first time in 2 years. cried while doing so and then had to lie down after i did 5 #i got frustrated with the story i'm writing and considered dropping it or deleting the whole thing #spent friday alone pretty much all day which normally i'm fine with but for whatever reason made the loneliness really hit hard this time #spent all thanksgiving day waiting for a familial confrontation #got asked by my 6 year old nephew how old i was and then he followed up with 'well why arent you married what are you doing' #which i'm pretty sure is something he heard in a conversation someone else was having and he repeated it bc he's 6 fucking years old #which btw i don't hold against him or am mad at him about bc he's an innocent kid #but that made me feel really shitty #spent an hour today panicking about this dog virus #and in between all of that i was self diagnosing myself with mental illnesses #which made me feel awful bc it made gaslight myself in thinking maybe i wanted one? #which is so fucked up to the max and i'm so sorry for even putting that here #but i put this all here bc i could never have this conversation with people irl #they'd get too worried or they'd think i'm overreacting or i need to date or need to do something with myself besides read #i'm so sorry everyone #i'll try to be better #i just had to put this out somewhere #and i didn't put this in a journal bc my last entry sounds so teenagerish out of context i don't even want to look at it #anyway i have to try to sleep i have to go into the office early tomorrow #i'm sorry guys #i really am😔

[twpsyn-who]

Each soulmate pair got their own thing. Some became stronger together, like each other's presence would bring a boost to their skills. Others could communicate telepathically, sending short messages to each other. Some could share emotions between each other or see flashes of what they see or even taste the food they eat.

For Jean and Marco? They could communicate via dreams. Ever since they met for the first time, a prerequisite to trigger the soulmate powers, once they went to sleep they could share a dream and spend time together in it. Nothing was truly real, besides the two of them - their words, their feelings, their memories, everything that was a part of them.

And Jean would give everything to keep living inside his dreams for a little bit more. In a place where he and Marco, his best friend, got in the Military Police and lived their best life. Where they got their own house, with a small garden to the side in which Marco would grow vegetables for Jean to use while cooking. Dreams of them joking around and training and watching the stars and just being happy without a worry. 

And Marco knew what those dreams meant, was aware that they weren't merely fantasy. And he would give everything for Jean to see it too, to understand the gravity of the situation. To try to make those dreams reality. To let Marco hold his hand while they're running towards the training grounds and hold him in his arms before seeing each other again in their dream and let him run his hands through that light ash-brown hair and just be.

And Trost happens, but Jean keeps dreaming of Marco. Is no longer inside the walls, but outside of them. They're no longer joking around and training and watching the stars together, but Marco's always by Jean's side. He no longer talks, just a sad ghost haunting Jean for eternity. And there would be days in which Jean no longer wants to wake up, comforted by the presence of his best friend - just to remember those bones, the ashes staining his hands. To see Marco's sad smile when it was time to wake up, like he was feeling the same as Jean but knew it was time to wake up.

((And when Jean finally finds the truth ages later, when Marco shows up before his own eyes in his dream, when he gives Jean a small smile and hugs his body for hours in comfort… When the sadness in Marco's eyes gets replaced with warmth and understanding and love, after years of it never leaving his best friend's eyes… Jean thinks that maybe there's still some hope. That maybe he can still get a happy ending for them both, one outside the walls))

#i don't know man #At this point I'm bullshit myself with these soulmate aus #Also what's a JeanMarco soulmate AU without Jean only seeing Marco as a friend until is too late??? Nothing I tell ya #Who's going to tell Jean that it was truly Marco the one in his dreams- even after his death in Trost- ? #Marco finally feeling at peace once Jean finds the truth. Him comforting Jean and being there for him and helping him push foward #As a side note Historia and Ymir can tell when the other lies and is so funny because they both lie to each other so often but don't call #the other out so they don't pull a Uno Reverse #But Ymir has never once lied about marrying Historia. And that was enough for them #anyway #aot #jean kirstein #jeanmarco #aot jean #marco bodt #marco bott #snk #aot marco #jean kirschstein #Aot jeanmarco #soulmate au #JeanMarco Soulmate AU #Jean didn't see Marco in the smoke because he's been seeing him in his dreams for ages. Marco never left. Never will #Even sadder if the whole soulmate thing goes away with the titan powers and stuff. And once everything is done and Jean finally gets a #moment to sleep... He dreams of nothing. Marco's gone

[nothisislyra]

.

#i should really be asleep right now but #i've been thinking about like. when i get really badly depressed and #like. when a friend reaches out while i'm feeling like no one cares and no one misses me when i'm not around and no one notices my absence #or worse that people notice my absence and are relieved or something #anyway like when a friend reaches out and that feels good but it also feels bad? #like. i don't want my friends to worry about me or whatever when i get depressed and isolate myself more and stuff #and them reaching out feels good because like. friend #but it also means they Noticed and that feels Bad #so then yeah i tell myself 'i don't want my friends to worry about me' but then that isn't true #i do want my friends to worry about me and to care about me but then when i get that like. in practice it feels bad #so then i try to distance myself from and lie to myself and say 'i don't want that' but yeah i did it just wasn't good or nice #i don't know where i'm going with this but just. i don't know #i just want to believe anyone loves me or misses me or wants me around #and for the most part i don't #lyrablogging

[toastytoaster22]

Ooh is there anything you can tell us about your original work? Or is it fully a secret for now :3c

Ahhhhh I have kept this story so hush hush for such a long time, it feels weird to even mention it online. I've been working on it since 2017, and its a work of fantasy, so the first few years was near exclusively spend worldbuilding. And its me, so i mean I built everything from the ground up, literally. I spent so much time watching geology micro-documentaries. Gathered info on ecology. Weather systems. Volcanology. Birds. Weasels. What would happen to the food chain if certain animals never evolved. if other kinds did. I made a whole planet and drew it and my husband framed it for me for Christmas three years ago. The characters are most of the way there, as are their growing bonds and dynamics. Its been fun to make OCs and really dig into them in a way I don't have time for in fanfic. I love them all very very much. To no one's surprise there are lots of children. The story will be much like Issho and Nightjar in that the story is child-centric, but not necessarily a children's novel. It'll be a bit long and a bit too in depth on some sensitive topics for it to be "for kids" specifically, but I'd never stop a kid from reading it. The plot is... still very much in construction mode. I make wild changes nearly every day and my friends who are in the know about the story can barely keep up. But they all feel like changes in the right direction! So its a very exciting time. I'm soaking in the spring air and going wild with creativity. Its been YEARS since I made progress like this. Maybe unprecedented amounts of work being done.

Would you believe its Gay Dads and their Three Adopted Children With Issues?

#its not just my post manga terumob fics i promise #extremely different people #entirely different planet #there are spirits and curses and blessings and mystery #not going to lie two of the children WERE based loosely off Benjiro and Mihoko #but i changed enough over the years that they have become their own people #if anyone wanted to see the Beta Version of the planet you could go read my Tsubasa fic #Universal Language #hiiiiiii mintberry #thank you for asking I AM SO HAPPY TO SHARE even if its just a little #i can definitely answer more questions! #i am just going to keep the specifics like names and plot elements to myself #I'm weirdly paranoid about this getting stolen for some reason' #toasty answers

[cuntwrap--supreme]

My mom: *telling me how she's only done what's best for her kids*

Me: *reminds her of a time when she absolutely did the worst for us because it benefitted her more than not doing it would have*

My mom: You have such a creative memory! Wow! You're gaslighting me! This is abuse!

#parental abuse #abuse #bad parenting #bad parent #trauma #childhood trauma #literally this started because she refuses to remember that she sold my water bed for crack money #like. that was the only bed I've ever had that didn't make my back hurt while i slept. #and she sold it. for crack. #and she's all bullshit that never happened! #and so i ask her about like two other shitty things she did and never apologized for #and she pulls out her new favorite word - gaslighting - which she learned from some dumbfuck tv show she's been watching #but when i ask her if she even knows what that means she goes see that's gaslighting! #like. no. gaslighting is telling me things i (and my siblings!!) have a vivid memory of never happened. #trying to act like i have no business being mad at her is #acting as if I'm being dramatic. that my childhood was normal. that not having food or power and living in a crack hoise is average. #i cannot wait to get out of here in december. only 18 long weeks to go! #if i ever have to live with her again I'll kill myself. these two years have been worse for my mental health than anything ever. #I'm a whole ass adult yet I'm not allowed to so much as leave the house without her demanding to know where I'm going. #i have to lie to her if I'm going to see my bald dude (rare. but if it happens) or else she gets pissed at me for seeing people??? #but if i say I'm visiting friends (not entirely a lie) she'll accuse me of going and doing gay shit? #because apparently being queer is the worst thing your kid can be in her mind #that i haven't kicked the shit out of her has to be some sort of testament to my patience as a person right?

[apricote]

he's high key hot dripping with sweat (get it).

#i love him so much!!!!!!!!!!! #he's my special little guy #i love this armor but i'm going to forge him a new one soon!!! when i will finish things up #after that i'm pretty much wrapped with act 1 and it's time to kill myself bc i hate the shadowcursed lands #skjdfks #that was a lie btw. i like act 2 but i'm a big wuss so the shadowcursed lands creep me out :( #when i played house of healing last time it was. a lot for me slkjdfkls #but i enjoyed it. i think it's one my favourite parts in act 2 #anyway i'm stopping for today!! it's only about 8 pm so not even late #but i prefer to play during the day to not to fuck up my sleep schedule #anyway yeah #i think sirius is hot #oc: sirius #nonsims #bg3 ramblings

[gideonisms]

So let's say you've been procrastinating on an assignment for a week, it was due a while ago, prof accepts late assignments but you've hit a total brick wall and have tried

the power of that last minute adrenaline rush (doesn't work anymore, there are worse things than failing a class)

setting a timer for 20 min increments (managed a total of 20 minutes on the project 💀)

Promising yourself rewards (not working because not watching anything is better than doing the assignment)

Taking breaks instead and coming back to it (just doesn't happen)

sheer willpower. Just do it (again, happened for 20 minutes)

writing each tiny specific step I need to accomplish (didn't make it more bearable)

going to different locations

guilt

annoyance

frustration

What is the next step. Like what else can I even try

#aside from getting medicated #i know what it is too. it's a class designed to make us better at marketing ourselves. i didn't know that going in #but the projects are like stuff we'd be having to do to advertise ourselves as a freelance writer or to get hired at a company #and i have a thing about carefully presenting the best sides of myself. i know you have to do it sometimes as a human being #but it plays into all the masking stuff that made my life hell for most of my 20s #it's like the second i recognized that's what i was doing & i wasn't just bad at being human my brain said no we're not doing that anymore #your options are be genuine or lie down in a stupor #good luck getting through the next phase of your life i've just nerfed you #anyway more info than y'all needed but i'm just not sure how to navigate things when i know the exact reason i'm blocked #but i've tried all the typical solutions and just wound up feeling worse

[accidentallyatekneecaps]

Being the unemployed friend kinda sucks ass

#I don't wanna work but I'm so sick and tired of my family always getting on my case about finding a job #When no one has even tried to give me a chance no matter how hard I've tried #The closest I got was an interview and I fumbled it because they gave me all these vague questions on where I saw myself in the future #And it's hard to truly come up with a lie for that when you truly thought you wouldn't make it to adulthood #I'm sitting here without a plan for my life because I thought I'd be dead by 16 #And now I'm 19 and I have nothing going for me #vent ish