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suituuup · 4 years

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Could you do a follow up to the amputee Beca story where she and Chloe talk about Beca’s time in the military and Beca opens up about how she really feels about being a double amputee? And how Chloe felt seeing Beca’s residual limbs for the first time. Love what you did with the prompt.

Thank you! Here you go :)

home is wherever I’m with you

rating: T

word count: 2k

ao3 link

The knock on the door jolts Beca out of her thoughts, her heart doing a happy flutter.

Chloe’s here.

After graduation, Chloe moved to California to attend Davis’ vet school, and Beca’s dad finally agreed with Beca’s plan to go to LA and to support her financially until she found herself a job in the music industry.

Fast forward to after the summer, Beca’s now an intern in one of the country’s most praised labels. Sure, she’s not making any money yet, but at least she’s got a foot in the door.

(well, figuratively speaking.)

She and Chloe have been doing long distance for four months now, and they were able to see each other twice, Chloe flying down to LA every eight weeks or so. Past the fact that it’s easier for Chloe to travel, she lives in a dorm while Beca has her own studio, which grants them more privacy.

Rolling away from her desk, Beca heads to the door, unlatching it and pulling it open. Chloe is straddling her a second later, Beca’s squeak swallowed by the searing kiss she’s pulled in.

“Jesus,” she croaks out when they part, her hands drifting down to Chloe’s ass as she rests her forehead against hers. “Miss me?”

Chloe answers by kissing her again, and Beca can only respond in kind, her own body throbbing with want. She’s thankful Chloe chose to wear sweatpants as she slides her hand down them minutes later to give Chloe what she needs.

“Wanna order a pizza?” Beca asks as they lie in bed an hour later, spent and hungry from their earlier activity.

“You mean you didn’t whip up a romantic dinner for your girlfriend?” Chloe teases, knowing damn well Beca can’t cook to save her life. She pushes a kiss to Beca’s lips. “Pizza sounds great, babe.”

Beca reaches for her phone off the bedside table, wincing as another pang of pain shoots through her leg. A leg that’s no longer there. She’s been experiencing those a lot lately, and upon visiting a physical therapist, was told they’re called phantom pains.

“What’s wrong?” Chloe asks as Beca dials the number of the pizza place on her phone.

“Nothing.” She hasn’t told Chloe about it, finding it difficult still to address anything related to her amputation. But the look Chloe gives her tells Beca she won’t let it rest, and Beca heaves a sigh. “I-I sometimes have pain like-- it feels as though my legs are still there and they’re burning.”

“Phantom pains?”

Beca blinks, putting her phone aside. “You’ve heard of it?”

Chloe nods. “When we started dating, I… did some research about all of it.”

Beca’s heart does a funny thing at that. “Oh, right.”

“What did the doctor say?”

“He suggested the mirror therapy where I should stand in front of one so my brain can integrate the fact that I no longer have legs, and also massaging my residual limbs.”

“I can do that,” Chloe murmurs. “Give you massages, if-- if you’re comfortable with that.”

“You really don’t have to.”

“I know I don’t.” Chloe’s hand drifts to cover hers. “I want to help, if I can.”

Beca purses her lips, hesitantly glancing at her girlfriend. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Let’s have dinner and then do that?”

“Yeah, okay.”

After dinner, Beca tells Chloe where she keeps her oil and settles back on the bed, over a towel to protect the sheets. “You’ll tell me if you feel uncomfortable, right?” She asks just to make sure as Chloe settles down beside her.

“Yes,” Chloe says with a smile, brushing a kiss to Beca’s lips. “And likewise for you.”

“Yeah.”

Chloe rubs some oil between her palms and starts kneading Beca’s left thigh, a groan flitting past Beca’s lips as the relief is near instant. She closes her eyes and tilts her head back against the headboard, exhaling deeply.

“That helps a lot,” she murmurs, brushing her fingers over Chloe’s upper arm in an affectionate gesture as she looks at her. “Thank you. I’ve always… been self conscious about how I look, ever since the procedure, and I was convinced you’d find it gross or something.”

“Seeing it for the first time at your PT appointment was a bit unsettling, yeah, because I couldn’t help but think about the trauma that triggered it. But did I think it was gross?” Chloe shakes her head. “Never. I promise. I know it’s easier said than done and your feelings are entirely valid, but your body is beautiful the way it is, baby. I hope you learn to accept it someday.”

Beca is silent for a little while, letting Chloe’s words wash over her and settle the anxiety swirling in her guts. “We drove over a landmine in Afghanistan,” she croaks out after a minute or two, the memory still fresh in her brain even though it’s been two years. She feels Chloe’s movements pause but doesn’t look up. She can still smell it. The tires burning, the oil leaking, the blood. “The back of the truck blew up. It’s still blurry and I’m not sure what happened next but I got stuck under the side of it and my legs got crushed,” she takes a pause, emotions rising as she’s never told the story aloud except to her therapist. “Help arrived pretty quickly and they managed to free me. I was choppered to the nearest trauma center.” Beca inhales sharply as tears burn behind her eyes. She can still hear the whines and cries of her comrades before they drew their last breath. “My two best friends… they didn’t make it.”

Chloe shuffles up to sit by Beca’s side, draping an arm around her waist as she rests her forehead against the side of Beca’s head. Beca leans against her, her hand resting on Chloe’s forearm. “I’m so sorry, baby.”

Beca swallows, licking her lips. “I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you what happened. It’s still… hard to talk about.”

“Thank you for trusting me,” Chloe murmurs and presses a kiss to Beca’s jaw.

“Thank you for being you,” Beca replies, twisting her head to look at Chloe. Her hand drifts up to cradle her cheek. She’s still in awe of how lucky she is to have found such a beautiful person who loves her as much as Chloe does despite everything; being a double amputee, the nightmares, the PTSD episodes. “I love you so much.”

Chloe nuzzles Beca’s nose, then brushes a kiss to her lips. “I love you, too.”

They experience some ups and downs over the next two years as sometimes long distance is hard to handle, but their relationship only comes out of it stronger. Beca lands a job as assistant producer in the same label. Chloe finds a job in LA after graduating, and they move in together in a cute one bedroom apartment in Pasadena.

“What do you mean that last scene was ridiculous?” Chloe asks, seemingly affronted. They’ve just come out of the theater after watching a romcom Chloe dragged Beca to. “I thought it was cute.”

Beca rolls her eyes as she walks beside her girlfriend. “It was cheesy as f—”

A loud BANG! cuts Beca off and she visibly shrinks, her mind and body going into shock so quickly she can’t stop it. She leans against the nearby street post, her legs feeling like jelly.

“Babe?” Chloe’s hand comes to rest on her shoulder but Beca recoils from it as her breathing turns labored. “It was a car backfiring, Becs. We’re safe.”

Beca shakes her head, panic having already gripped her insides and shut out any kind of rationality. Flashbacks jump her mind and sounds that still haunt her in her dreams weave themselves in a continuous loop.

“You’re okay baby,” Chloe soothes. “You’re okay. You’re in LA, with me, not at war. You’re safe. ”

Beca hears Chloe’s words without really registering them; they get lost in the cloud surrounding her brain and keeping her from going back to reality.

She doesn’t know how long it takes, but she eventually snaps back into the present. Street chatter replaces the cries of her friends, cars passing by are quieter than the crawlers of tanks crunching the dry ground, and Chloe is here.

Beca leans against her, clutching on for dear life as she tries to bring her heart rate back to normal.

“It’s okay,” she soothes, brushing a kiss to Beca’s temple. “You’re home.”

A year later, Beca proposes. There’s no big speech or romantic meal planned; she asks Chloe as they lie in bed one lazy Sunday morning after making love. The sun is shining over them through the window, and Chloe is pressed snugly against her, laughing at one of her lame jokes, and it’s just… perfect.

They get married six months later at a resort in Northern California, surrounded by their close friends and families. The next few years are a blur of domestic bliss, before their lives get a whole new meaning with the arrival of their baby.

Beca’s not quite used to being woken up in the middle of the night, and she jolts at the shrill cry coming through the baby monitor.

“I’ve got her,” she rasps when she feels Chloe shift next to her, and uses her arms’ strength to transfer herself in the wheelchair set next to her side of the bed.

They moved into a larger place when Chloe found out she was pregnant, a house with a garden on the outskirts of LA. It has no stairs and large rooms, ideal for Beca to manœuvre her chair around as she tends not to wear her prosthetics at home. They got a custom made crib which slides open on the side so Beca can easily pick their baby up from her chair, and their changing table can also be lowered to her height.

“What’s up, sweet pea?” She coos as she undoes the latch and slides the side of the crib open, leaning forward to lift the three month old. She knows it’s her hungry cry, and with Emma on her lap, rolls towards the kitchen to heat up a pouch of breast milk. Much like the stroller, the wheelchair movements momentarily sooth Emma.

“Here we are,” Beca murmurs minutes later, cradling Emma in the crook of her elbow and presenting her with the bottle. She’s still completely in awe of this tiny human being who’s captured her heart the moment Beca held her in her arms for the first time. It’s like she felt her heart double in size to be able to accomodate all the love she held for her wife and daughter. Yeah. Motherhood has turned her into a real softie. She smiles as Emma’s big blue eyes lock on her while she feeds. “You had to have your mommy’s eyes, huh? How am I going to be able to ever say no to you?”

Once Emma finishes, Beca heads back to the nursery to change her and sings her back to sleep, carefully setting her in her crib.

“Mama loves you, my sweet girl.”

She rolls back to the master and parks her wheelchair next to her side of the bed, locking the brakes before transferring herself back into bed. After years of practice, it doesn’t take Beca as long as it used to.

Chloe snuggles into her side as soon as Beca’s settled down. “All good?”

“Mhm,” Beca hums, brushing a kiss to her wife’s hair. “Everything’s perfect.”

#bechloe #bechloe fanfic #beca mitchell #chloe beale

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stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland · 5 years

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Kannazuki no Miko and Camren

I have to say that I’m love with this yuri (lesbian) anime. And the relationship that have with Camren it’s surprised. This is a long shot, folks. Be patient.

About - Kannazuki no Miko

Kannazuki no Miko (Sa 無月の巫女 lit.) (Priestess of the month without God) is a manga series written and illustrated by Kaishaku, focusing on the love affair of two girls, Chikane and Himeko.The plot contains elements of mahō shōjo and mecha. The series began as a manga in 2004.

Argument Kannazuki no Miko tells the story of Himeko and Chikane, the reincarnation of the priestesses of the Sun and the Moon respectively. Both are high school students at the prestigious Ototachibana Academy located in Mahoroba, Japan. When an ancestral evil rises again, the girls are absorbed by fate in the instant that the spirit of the priestesses that they carried inside awakens to defend the world against the Orochi.

When the Orochi awaken, it is the first of October (the month without God), which coincidentally is the birthday of Himeko and Chikane. The first Orochi to try to kill the priestesses is Sōma Ōgami, a young man in love with Himeko. However, after a blinding light returns to itself, rejects his fate as Orochi, and swears to protect Himeko from the others as the ultimate consequences. The priestesses must awaken the Ame no Murakumo to save the world, while Sōma fights the Orochi's efforts to kill them.

Priestesses Himeko Kurusugawa (来栖川姫子 Kurusugawa Himeko) Voice by: Noriko Shitaya Himeko is the Priestess of the Sun. She is a shy and innocent girl of sixteen and the main protagonist of the story. She has known Chikane for years, unaware of Chikane's attraction to her. At first, Himeko finds feelings for Sōma Ōgami, her childhood friend. When they go on a date, their relationship fills Chikane's heart with doubts. She begins to consider Chikane a very close friend, although the two hardly see each other in public. Himeko is a beginner photographer with some skill. Initially she is shy and cautious, distrustful of her own abilities. This is mainly due to the fact that after the death of her parents, she was adopted by abusive relatives before being transferred with other relatives.

At school, Himeko seems to have only one friend, her roommate Makoto. After the destruction of the dormitories, when Himeko moves with Chikane, the enmity of Chikane's female fans is won at school. She carries the sun's mark on his chest and in the last episodes, discovers and accepts his romantic feelings for Chikane.

Chikane Himemiya (姫宮千歌音 Himemiya Chikane) Voice by: Ayako Kawasumi The Priestess of the Moon. In contrast to Himeko, is a person of strong character, of white complexion, perfect proportions and a beautiful bluish black hair. She has a noble and elegant aura, lives in a mansion with many maids, and is considered one of the most high-class people in the school; She has fans of both genders and has to deal frequently with romantic confessions. She is a member of the prestigious club of kyūdō (Japanese Archery) and uses her bow as a weapon in the clashes with the Orochi.

Later events show that she is also skilled in the use of the tantō. Their combat skills resemble, to those who possessed the wives of the samurai, another proof of the prestige of the Himemiya family. In addition to her combat skills, Chikane demonstrates her exceptional talent for playing tennis and playing the piano. Many in the school believe that it maintains a relation with Sōma, but that soon is demonstrated that is not certain, since she has been in love with Himeko from the moment in which they knew, although it is not revealed until almost the end of the history. Eventually, it seems to have "gone evil", eliminating all Orochi except two, after attacking Himeko to turn her against him. The true motive behind his actions is much more complex than at first appears. Chikane carries the mark of the moon on her back.

Orochi The main villain of the series is Orochi, an evil god who wishes to destroy humanity to create his own kingdom of darkness and nihilism. As in Japanese mythology, the Orochi of Kannazuki no Miko has eight 'collars', its eight worshipers and followers, who are also called Orochi (オロチ衆?) By association. Each of them has a wick, which is at the same time an alter ego of its owner and the incarnation of a minor god (with the ability to return from the ashes over and over again), which is part of the body of the deity Orochi Each follower has exaggerated personal characteristics; there are certain indications that the evil deity has given them great physical strength, endurance and a limited capacity to levitate and teleport, as well as a unique power or weapon according to their personality. Orochi chooses those who have experienced great pain in his life and are mired in despair as his followers. Six of the eight followers easily fall into stereotypes of characters, a sociopath, a brainless brute, an idol, an anti-social mangaka, a catgirl, and a nun who lost faith in God. They have extremely opposite personalities and do not coordinate their attacks on the priestesses, until the middle of the series.

Tsubasa (ツバサ?) Voice by: Yasunori Matsumoto It is The First Neck (一の首 Ichi no kubi?), Considered the leader and most powerful of the Orochi. Tsubasa is a tall, light-haired bishōnen, and a (alleged) sociopath with a long history, beginning with the murder of his abusive father, whom he killed to save his younger brother. Tsubasa is also the biological brother of Sōma, whom he left in the care of the Ōgami family when he escaped from the city. He was the only one who could defeat his brother, when all the other necks had failed. Sōma has few memories of him, and Tsubasa hesitates to seriously injure his brother in his first fight; he concentrates more on convincing his brother to join Orochi, than on killing the priestesses.

His robot, Take no Yasukunazuchi, has the ability to deploy wings to fly and attacks with swords mounted on his arms. He is the only Orochi who can fight seriously against Chikane after she "becomes Orochi", but the fight ends without a clear winner. However, he manages to (temporarily) destroy Take no Yamikazuchi and ends up abandoning the fight. In personal combat, Tsubasa primarily uses a sword (sword in English), although he demonstrates some ability to throw knives as well. Tsubasa eventually proves that his feelings for his brother are stronger than his desire to carry out the nihilistic world destruction, proposed by Orochi. He carries the Orochi brand on his heart.

Sister Miyako (ミヤコ?) Voice by: Ikue Ohtani The Second Neck (首の首 Ni no kubi?), The first orochi to appear is a purple-haired nun, who lost her faith in God after having survived a terrible war (possibly in South America, given her tan skin color). it's a common stereotype in anime and manga). Although there is little cooperation among the Orochi, she seems to be second in command and has great respect for Tsubasa; On some occasions she gives orders to Girochi and induces the other three Orochi to cooperate with each other. Her influence seems to be what leads Chikane to move to Orochi's side, though it is later revealed that the Moon Priestess joined them of her own free will.

Her robot, Yatsu no Onokoshizuchi, instead of arms has tentacles and a giant circle of electrodes on his back, with which he shoots lethal rays. In personal combat, Miyako uses enchanted mirrors with which she can create complex illusions and spy on others from a distance. She is a skillful manipulator and a perceptive observer, she uses her mirrors to seduce Chikane by teaching her her deepest desires. It is the last Orochi to fall in front of Chikane. There are indications that she carries the Orochi brand on her throat.

Girochi (ギロチ?) Voice by: Yasuyuki Kase The Third Neck (三の首 San no kubi?), Is one of the first Orochi to attack the priestesses. He is a very corpulent man and uses heavy chains as weapons against his enemies. He feels extremely attracted to Himeko, and tries to convince her to go on a date with him, every time he confronts the priestesses. Girochi is Miyako's younger brother. During one of the flashbacks, he can be seen as a child in a destroyed area, crying next to a corpse that lies under a collapsed building. Presumably, this happened during the same war that destroyed the church where his sister lived, it cost his parents' lives and left him traumatized forever. His robot, Hi no Ashinazuchi, is nicknamed Gungal, and is characterized by his overly large right arm. So big that the whole body of the robot fits inside him, as you can see when he performs his "Megaton Knuckle" attack. It is the first to be petrified by Chikane, although it is then purified. It carries the Orochi brand on the back of his right hand.

Crown (コロナ Korona) Voice by: Kana Ueda The Fourth Neck (四の首 Shi no kubi), is a delirious idola pop, which became Orochi, partly due to a terrible decline in sales of her CD. She behaves like a maniac, constantly trying to impress the other Orochi with her skills as a showwoman, but her energetic exterior hides a dark past. In a flashback she can be seen lying on a bed next to an older man, with her clothes torn; her relationship with man and the motives for such an act are never revealed, the only thing that Corona says about it is that she was "betrayed by her dreams". Her robot, Ooube no Senazuchi, nicknamed "The Final Stage", takes the form of a wheel with a demonic eye in the center, and a giant centripede with anthropomorphic arms and head. In matters of personal combat, Corona throws lipsticks at her enemies. This attack is not as harmless as it sounds, since their lipsticks carry explosive charges. Eventually Corona is petrified and then purified. There are indications that she carries the Orochi brand on her left breast.

Reiko Ōta (大田レーコ Ōta Reiko) Voice by: Mamiko Noto The Fifth Neck (五の首 Go no kubi), Is an antisocial mangaka. Reiko takes her membership to the Orochi as a "day job" and the sale of her manga has improved since she joined. She interacts little with the other Orochi and in the fight is cold and calculating. She shares she last name with Hitoshi Ōta, one of the writers of Kannazuki no Miko. Her robot, Ho no Shuraizuchi, takes the form of a vessel with anthropomorphic form. In personal combat, Reiko throws feathers at her targets. Like Corona's lipsticks, these feathers have an explosive charge and explode on contact. Interestingly, Himeko loves Reiko's manga and is an avid reader of her work. Reiko is eventually petrified and purified by Chikane. There are indications that she carries the Orochi brand on her back.

Nekoko (ネココ) Voice by: Ai Nonaka The Sixth Neck (六の首 Roku no kubi), is a small catgirl, with a shrill voice (her name derives from neko, a Japanese cat) which is usually seen wearing a nurse costume and a giant syringe. A priori, it seems to fit the typical stereotype of a cheerful and noisy catgirl, but during the plot it is revealed that in her past she was the victim of horrible medical experiments, presumably the cause of which she became Orochi. The Nekoko syringe contains a healing substance that can heal wounds. Alternatively, Nekoko can throw the syringes like missiles, with the same explosive charge that can be seen in Reiko's feathers. Her robot, Izuhara no Tamazuchi, nicknamed Meow Meow (Nya Nya), is a giant mechanical ball, equipped with a large number of cannons and capable of destroying buildings with ease. Nekoko takes everything as a game, when it is her turn to face the priestesses, instead of facing them directly, she first begins to destroy the entire city while singing and laughing innocently. There are indications that she carries the Orochi brand on her butt.

Sōma Ōgami (大神ソウマ Ōgami Sōma) Voice by: Junji Majima The Seventh Neck (七の首 Nana no kubi), Is the only Orochi capable of resisting the complete transformation into an evil being. For much of the series Sōma is the only one that protects Himeko and Chikane and ultimately plays a large role in the destruction of Orochi. He has a very high social status, comparable to that of Chikane, and most of his companions believe they are a couple, although in reality, until the first incident with Orochi occurs, they hardly speak. Like Chikane, he is in love with Himeko and fights fervently to protect her, until he is overwhelmed by Orochi's curse, which leaves him out of action, but his brother Tsubasa rescues him shortly after. Sōma's robot, Take no Yamikazuchi, is a humanoid robot that has a great variety of attacks. In personal combat, Sōma initially uses his own body. More adeltante, it adopts the form to fight with sword of its brother. It carries the Orochi brand on its forehead.

The priestesses and the Orochis...

The girls and Ame no Murakumo (The robot behind them)

The moon and The Sun

To not make the post longer. The plot of this story has a lot, but a lot to do with Camren. Not perhaps the theme of the priestesses but the theme of the sun and the moon. The characters have a lot to do with the girls, especially their characteristics and personalities. This is a story I loved a lot before I even knew Camren or the girls but the way the story shows and what we know about Camren is incredibly similar. And of course, the series is on YouTube. I have it in a playlist that I'll leave below and hope you can see. It is in English.

It’s not a really happy story. Like the story of the sun and the moon, the girls aren’t allowed to be together but they have more lives to see each other again.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLrbz6yHFCEEoW85VJLa3-icC0GmX9prEF

I hope you can see the playlist. But if you don’t, you just have to search for Kannazuki no Miko english sub and you will find it.

#camren #kannazuki no miko #anime #yuri #the moon and the sun #camz and lolo #priestesses of the sun and the moon #orochis #manga #kannazuki no miko and camren #chicane x himeko

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lightsandlostbells · 5 years

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Skam France season 3, episode 2 reaction

Skam France is really leveling up

Eliott Demaury, raccoon enthusiast is the best creative decision they’ve ever made

Episode 2

Clip 1 - surejan.gif

Is the B-roll or w/e at the start of the clip the same place Lucas was brooding in the first clip of the season? It’s probably reading too much into it but I like that those two dudes on the bench are there for a reason, like mirroring Lucas and Eliott at the end of the last episode, sitting with space between them (no Chloé in the middle, though).

Lucas scrolls through his phone looking for Eliott. He doesn’t find him, but he does find a friend request from Chloé, which he accepts after a moment’s hesitation. Son, she’s going to take that as a marriage proposal.

Mika plops down beside him and nags Lucas about the rent. Now that Manon’s parents are no longer financing Lucas’ rent, seems like he’s behind. Can I just mention that Mika and Lucas look like they could be related? I know it is a running Skam fandom joke that the Evak couples look related (sometimes said with underlying homophobia IMO BUT I’m not going to go into that rant now) and I’ve seen people say Lucas and Eliott look similar, but Lucas and Mika are the ones who stick out the most to me. Actually, Lisa too. If you told me that this was an apartment of like ... three siblings being gay and cranky at each other, I would buy it.

Notifications are going off on Mika’s phone. It’s because Mika changed his profile pic, which he helpfully shows to Lucas/the viewers - I mean, I can get why his phone is blowing up, not gonna lie. No dick from what I can see, but you know. Suggestive. Pubes are clearly visible.

Lucas is like, I don’t want to see that! Well, I don’t think Lucas objects to naked men but I believe him in this instance because Mika is fulfilling the big brother role. Mika teases him about seeing what a man’s body looks like. Don’t worry Mika, in like a month Lucas is going to have very thorough knowledge of what a man’s body looks like.

Mika then asks for Lucas’ advice on a straight dude who wants a blowjob. Does he want it for himself or to do it to Mika? He helpfully imitates a blowjob that freaks out Lucas. I mean, it kinda freaks me out, I had war flashbacks to that grapefruit technique video. (If you have not seen that video, all I’m going to say that it is highly NSFW, not to be watched in public or if you have a heart condition, and I’m sorry.)

Mika is like, if you want to suck dick, you’re not that straight. Lucas is like, well, maybe he wants to try. Maybe that guy is just curious! HMMM Lucas, interesting train of thought. I’m sure you have no personal investment in this debate whatsoever. Mika helpfully shows Lucas’ a picture of the “curious” guy’s butthole. That Mika, being so helpful today.

Lucas gets up because he doesn’t want to spend his weekend looking at naked guys. Well, maybe not guys, plural. Again, in about a month you’re going to look back on that comment and laugh, bro.

Mika and Lisa agree that Manon was funnier. Lmao, I kinda love how they’re so unimpressed with Lucas.

Clip 2 - Light and dark

Lucas walks into school on Monday morning and … goes through an attendance book? He didn’t even hesitate, this guy does not give a single shit, does he? He’s just going to grab love by the balls. The camera puts us in Lucas’ POV by focusing from top to bottom like it’s imitating Lucas scanning the list, which is a good detail. Skam France had some POV issues I didn’t care for in previous seasons so this feels more carefully thought out.

Just as I’m noticing Raptor Alex’s name above Eliott’s, the man himself appears. Oh yeah, they’re supposed to be pals now. They have a short conversation where Lucas is like, WHOOPS, silly me taking the wrong book! When Alex asks for the register, Lucas snakes out and distracts him by congratulating Alex on him and Emma. Alex is like, “Huh? Did Emma tell you that?” Well, they were obviously making out at the party and hanging out together in their IG stories, so while it’s maybe an assumption that they are 100% a couple, there’s obviously something going on between them.

I’ve never really been like ... dying for Isak/P-Chris friendship or interaction post-S2, although I think it could have been interesting. Plus, Chris had graduated by S3 so there weren’t as many opportunities for them to interact. But it’s a nice follow-up here since Raptor Alex is still in school with them. (Was he supposed to graduate along with Charles last year, though? I totally forgot. It feels like those seasons aired forever ago.)

Bell rings, Lucas scampers off with the register. I was like, “Wait, did he even put it back?” until Alex calls after him for it, lmao. I like to imagine that it’s just gone forever, a casualty of love.

In the classroom, Lucas looks up Eliott on his phone. Unlike Isak, he has the wisdom to plug in earbuds before listening to anything.

He’s looking at a crowdfunding page for a project of Eliott’s. It’s noted that the project closed and that the funding was not reached, and that detail punched a hole in my heart. Instant poignancy, instant affection for Eliott. We don’t know the circumstances yet of why he didn’t meet his goal, and if it was at all related to his manic/depressive episodes - perhaps a nice bit of foreshadowing if it turns out they are related - but it’s automatically sympathetic to learn someone had a dream that went unfulfilled.

In a video, Eliott is talking about his project - a film called Polaris, about two characters and a tunnel. One is a boy, and one is not specified, (a boy, a girl, a creature) which I think is hinting at Elliott’s pansexuality, that he’s okay with any gender, it doesn’t matter to him. The second character does not leave the tunnel, because they are afraid of the light, and they meet the boy, who’s afraid of the dark. They can’t live in each other’s worlds so they chat at the border without ever seeing each other. They talk and fall in love but never meet until one of them decides to conquer their fears and go to the other’s world.

So there’s a lot of obvious symbolism here. Tbh, it’s pretty on the nose and I wish they’d toned it down just a smidge, since this is like … probably exactly what is going to happen with them for either their first kiss or their version of O Helga Natt (or both), but I still appreciate the effort a lot and am eager to see it in action. This is what I wanted from S3 remakes, for each of them to develop their own symbolism that fits their characters, because Isak and Even’s symbolism is so specific to them, their names and their story, that you inherently lose something when you transplant it to other versions of them. The concept of rebirth is really beautiful in a gay love story about coming out and being born as one’s authentic self; I think the idea of light and darkness being used in a similar way - especially in terms of a coming out narrative, being in darkness, coming into the light - could also be beautiful, and of course there are the ideas of having to be brave in order to live with each other, very relevant for an m/m couple in a homophobic society and for someone like Eliott who would be afraid to get close to someone due to his mental illness. It also works in the sense that neither of the characters in the film see each other until they get over their fears - both Lucas and Eliott have baggage and neither will really “see” or understand each other truly until they confront their respective issues.

Right now it seems like Eliott would be the one in the tunnel and Lucas is the one who’s afraid of the dark, and Lucas is going to have to leave his world to be with Eliott. Because well, this is supposed to be Lucas’ story, and the name “Lucas�� is associated with light, or meaning “light-giver” or something similar. We know that one episode is called “the boy who was afraid of the dark” and that’s probably referring to Lucas since it’s his POV. At this point in the story, too, we aren’t supposed to know that Eliott is mentally ill, we don’t know he’s struggling, so we might also think that it’ll all be on Lucas to change in order for them to be together. But I think it’s also plausible that maybe they’ll switch roles over the course of the season, they both take turns in the light and in the dark. Maybe Lucas steps into the dark for the first kiss, conquering what he’s afraid of, then he steps into the light for the O Helga Natt equivalent. Or Lucas steps into the dark for the kiss, Eliott must step into the light for O Helga Natt. There are many ways it could go. But this is also what I like about them changing the symbolism, it leads to this kind of speculation.

I’d like to see Lucas and Eliott being a little more strongly contrasted, too, sort of like they’re ... polar opposites, eh? OK, not that corny and not that they need to be so different that they can’t get along. I just think it’d be interesting with the light and dark metaphor to have them be clearly different in some ways, personality-wise, arc-wise. I want to see their separate worlds highlighted at some point.

Also want to mention that you could perhaps apply this imagery to certain scenes already, like in the first clip of the season you had Lucas in the daytime, light reflecting off the water and through the trees, but he’s not really comfortable there, he’s alone and detached. Later that night, Lucas making out with Chloé in the hallway sort of put him in shadow (or that might be Skam France’s lighting in general, IDK). Might be a reach but it’d be interesting if those choices stacked up throughout the season and reflected the larger metaphor, when we see who’s playing what role.

Polaris itself is “the brightest star in the constellation of Ursa Minor” so that’s another nice allusion to light in itself.

Imane shows up and scares the bejesus out of Lucas. She was going to give him the weed, but he ruined it by being a weenie. However, he redeems himself by expressing interest in the common room project and saying he’ll be at the next meeting. I wonder what changed his mind? Daphne’s enthusiasm? No matter, Imane must see some progress in Lucas, like he needs a reward for good behavior, because she decides to give him back the weed.

He’s grateful, but the teacher sees their drug exchange and wants to know what’s going on. When she asks to see what’s under the table, Imane whips out some tampons and says Lucas brought them to her. LMAO, that’s pretty funny.

She calls out the teacher for humiliating her in front of everyone, which is also funny, although I kind of feel bad for that teacher, lol. We haven’t seen her be a racist yet like Isak and Sana’s teacher, and I mean ... her students were passing drugs under the table, she wasn’t wrong about them being shady.

Arthur and Alexia laugh at them in the background. I want to know what’s going on over at that table! We can have two pairs of classroom buddies!

Lucas and Imane both laugh so that’s really the kickoff to their friendship. Tampons: saving the day, bringing people together. Tampax should make it into a commercial.

Clip 3 - Questionnaires

It’s the common room meeting, just the girl squad and Lucas, and they’re going over the questionnaires that people filled out. The consensus is that the common room sucks, and people make dirty comments when anonymous (literally the least surprising thing ever if you have ever seen a bathroom stall or any comments section on the Internet).

Daphne kicks out Emma when she gets a phone call and Lucas laughs along with the others. He seems way happier and more comfortable with the girl squad than with anyone else so far, and I think a lot of that is because there isn’t the pressure to maintain a typical hetero fuckboy persona with them as with the boy squad. They’re just girls engaging on a dorky project, so he can just relax.

Alex reads another questionnaire and the answers are all about Daphne. Lucas confirms that the phone number on the page is Basile’s. Daphne looks done with it, she’s caught him staring and drooling, she doesn’t get why he’s into her all of a sudden. Man, I’m already sick of Basile, he’s like Magnus from hell. Especially because Daphne is so not into it, and the fact that she’s noticed him salivating him over her makes it worse. I think it’s for comic relief but it quickly went to creepy territory, and I hate that they’ll likely hook up at some point. Please please don’t go there.

A lot of the questionnaires mention they dislike the mural, so I bet they’ll paint another one at some point, and I bet Eliott will have an idea that they use, being the artsy guy he is. Also, everyone wants them to throw a party so I’m sure that’ll be the setup for either the neon party or the Christmas party (whatever takes the place of those scenes).

Lucas reads another questionnaire that requests a vending machine (reasonable) and a nudist day once a month (not so reasonable) and I was gonna say it was Eliott’s form, because of the vending machine connection and probably some painful foreshadowing toward the hotel naked incident, but actually it’s Alexia’s form, LMAO. She wants the eye candy of naked guys and girls. A nice way to integrate her bisexuality since she’s into naked guys and girls.

I notice that Alexia has a little rainbow patch on her jeans, so I’m hoping that they’ve taken feedback from earlier seasons and will more directly address her sexuality. I know her ex Clara has been listed in the credits, so that’s very promising. I hope they keep it up and maybe Lucas can connect with her over being LGBT, well, G and B, respectively.

Emma comes back and complains that Alex thinks she’s been telling people they’ve been going out when they’re just hooking up, but Lucas does not care (even though he is responsible for giving Alex that impression) because Eliott walks by the window. Lucas hauls ass out of there and goes out to find him - give him some credit, Lucas is being pretty upfront about approaching Eliott, or going after what he wants so far. What is that gonna end up meaning to his overall character arc? I’m fine with that approach to Lucas’ character, I’m just curious how it will affect his overall characterization from beginning to end. Because Isak wasn’t a total wallflower, he did pursue Even in his own way, but I felt like because he also could be reserved and shy about Even, it was narratively significant when he took certain steps for clear reasons to his personal growth. (I think Lucas and Isak are maybe not all that different about their approaches so far, just slight ways that make it seem Lucas is bolder - like going up to Eliott at the vending machine himself, grabbing the register instead of walking by a list, running after Eliott instead of standing still and locking eyes with him).

Before Lucas can go stalking, he runs into the boy squad. Yann is like, were you in the common room? Spending a lot of time with the girls, eh? Like is he just being a dick about that, because Lucas is choosing the girls over the boy squad, or does he think Lucas wants to hook up with one of those girls? Or is this more about the common room project seeming stupid to him?

Of course Basile has to ask about whether Daphne is thinking about him, GOD please shut him up. Arthur tells him Daphne doesn’t care about him. The hero we need.

Lucas looks around the courtyard but no Eliott in sight. ur boys cockblocked u, bro

Chloé and Maria come up and invite the boys to their party on Friday. Maria’s fucking cute when she’s not puking, she does a little dance with the invitation. Lucas tries to say they have plans but Arthur’s like, no we don’t! We’re coming! No, Arthur, don’t say that, you know Basile is going to be a creep about it.

The squad gangs up on Lucas for saying no, because you’re always supposed to say yes to partying with girls, and it’s played for laughs with their reactions and stuff but really it is shitty how these guys don’t want to listen to their friend. I mean, let’s say situations were reversed and Lucas was a girl who said “this guy is stalking me.” We’d all be like, get away from that dude, you don’t have to spend time with him, right? Or we’d hope that girl’s friends would say so.

Lucas says Chloé has been clinging to him and it’s stressing him out, and Arthur’s like, I don’t get you, she’s into you, but you’re stressing out? Lucas is clearly stressed by this conversation and that he can’t tell the boys what’s up. All that pressure to like girls is draining him.

I think it is important to keep in mind that Isak also felt isolated from the boy squad at this point in the story, for similar reasons: he had a big secret that he couldn’t tell them, and he felt like he had to like girls to fit in with them, and they put pressure on him to hook up with girls, talk about girls, go to parties with girls. What I think is the big difference, and why it feels perhaps more noticeable with Lucas, is that Isak didn’t have the interaction with the girl squad other than Sana blackmailing him and Vilde annoying him, so we didn’t see him have this friendly outlet where he’s relaxed. In fact, the first time in his season we see him really start to relax and be himself is with Even. I think that contrast was valuable toward establishing Isak’s connection with Even, showing Even as someone who brings Isak out of his shell. But with Lucas, first he is able to laugh together with Imane - Isak and Sana had a moment but they weren’t like giggling together after Isak told off the racist teacher - and second he seems to be having a good time at the common room meeting. Then he goes to the boy squad and it immediately becomes tense. However, I don’t have a huge problem with Lucas laughing a bit with the girl squad here. It makes him seem somewhat less socially isolated, since he seems relaxed with them (even if this isn’t the deepest or most intimate interaction), but it still provides contrast to his interaction with his male friends. It would be nice if the story highlighted this a little more later on, as to why Lucas might feel more comfortable with the girl squad and not the boys when he’s closeted.

Clip 4 - Polaris

At home, Lucas watches the animated storyboard for Eliott’s Polaris video. A guy and another person of ambiguous gender meet just outside the tunnel in the rain and finally kiss.

I like that Lucas got to watch the project itself (or a storyboard of it) and be invested in it. That’s something I loved about Isak watching Even’s video and then watching R+J - he got to fall for Even watching him be funny and strange talking about his Cap/Putin video, and then he got to watch a movie that Even loved and that awakened these very emotional parts of himself. He got to see a great love in action and wish for that for himself, he got a glimpse of Even’s soul from the art Even loves. Lucas does something similar here in that he gets a glimpse of Eliott’s creative mind, something very personal, and fall for him further, and Eliott’s video is also about great love that Lucas feels that he wants in his own life, it chips away at that facade he’s put up, the lie he’s living. Good adaptation.

The only thing is I suspect that their first kiss or O Helga Natt is probably going to go heavily like that storyboard, if not exactly, which will likely be beautiful, but again, slightly on the nose for me. To be fair, obviously Isak and Even’s first kiss imitated Romeo + Juliet closely; I guess this being Eliott’s own creation/vision vs Even’s fanboying a film by his favorite director makes it a little more OTT, like if a scene from a novel I’d written came into my life, I’d feel weird and self-conscious about it. But that’s just me! I can also see why it’d matter to Eliott, to take this longing and make it a reality. But I think I’d rather just see him make his actual film, accomplish his passion project, than to recreate it in his own life. Maybe because, filming a beautiful love story and falling in love in real life fulfill two different parts of one’s self - one’s artistic creations are not substitutes for one’s social connections and vice versa - and Eliott’s unfunded film is a thing on its own that’s very poignant and begs to be carried to completion. Does that make sense? IDK, I’d like those big scenes to have similar themes and imagery but not like his storyboard come exactly to life. We’ll see how it goes.

I think it’s a little murky why Lucas searches for the “gay chat” - like is he trying to find Eliott there, or is he looking for any type of connection? Think it’s the former since that was shown more explicitly with Isak, but I guess you can say he’s just testing the gay waters.

The gay app that Lucas downloads features the picture of Skam France director David Hourrègue, much like Skam Italia had their male director in the gay app. (The directors look a tad similar, or is that just me?)

Lucas looks through pictures mainly of disembodied abs and bulges, until he stumbles upon Mika’s picture, and HA, that’s a REALLY good gag, hats off to Skam France. I remember being annoyed because they recreated the Jonas cunnilingus walk of fame in their season 2, except with none of the build-up that made the Jonas scene funny and emotionally resonant (with Eva’s reaction), so it lacked the impact and was just kinda there. This actually had some setup, good job.

Clip 5 - Two bros chillin’ at a bus stop

The boys are getting ready to go to Chloé’s party later and Basile starts talking about how he’ll get with Maria and I’m already so over this, please God let them talk about anything else. I get that this girl talk is establishing the overwhelming heteronormativity and pressure to pursue girls among these teenage boys, but like, let’s hear from Arthur about his hookup techniques, or if there’s a girl Yann likes, anything but Basile being a creep yet again.

He talks about calling himself “Daddy” to Maria as if I wasn’t already thoroughly horrified out by him. FUCK no.

And the guys are like, I thought you were all up in Daphne’s business? Basile basically doesn’t care, one girl or the other will do, ughhhh GODDDDD.

They tell Lucas that he’s paying for the beer because they’ve taken their turns paying. Lucas waits at the bus stop, texts his dad for rent and grocery money, then texts Mika for money (presumably to buy the beer). MEANWHILE, a figure in a familiar brown coat sits down. I can’t quite tell from the angle, is he sitting in the next seat or is there still one between them? You’d think Eliott would learn from the past not to leave space for any Chloés who might come along. (At the end of the clip I still couldn’t tell, lmao. Feel free to clarify if you have better spatial awareness than I do.)

It’s Lucas’ turn to get startled by a dude just staring at him intensely. They have some banter, Mika texts back that he’s working, Eliott notices something is up, Lucas explains that he has no money to buy beer for a party, so it’s Eliott’s suggestion to come back to his place and get the beer he has. Not Lucas asking him for help, like Isak did. Lucas has seemed somewhat more forthright in pursuing Eliott so this is a bit of a surprise, because a noticeable example of Isak asking Even for something was switched to Eliott offering. I guess you could say it’s Eliott’s development, if he’s the one in the dark and is holding himself back? We’ll see.

Clip 6 - Eliott confirmed weirdo

They go to Eliott’s place and Lucas checks out Eliott’s drawings. They’re cute. Dude really loves raccoons. They look at the drawings together and Eliott says they’re old and that he’s better at drawing himself now. Lucas is like … that’s you? LMAO, Eliott is so fucking weird, I kind of love him. He likes that raccoons have a mask. Well, we know Eliott has his own mask, so it’s fitting, I suppose.

Okay, French fans, I have to ask - what are the perceptions of raccoons in your culture? I found this article saying that the raccoon was introduced to France in 1966 and is considered a pest. They’re considered pests in North America, too, and spread disease, and sometimes they fall through ceilings, but like ... they’ve always been here, so there’s something about them that’s normalized, I guess?

Lucas asks if Eliott had to draw him what would it be. Well, that’s fucking forward. Eliott studies him and says he doesn’t know. So Eliott basically can’t figure out Lucas yet. What are the odds his later notes to Lucas will include his and Lucas’ fursonas? I know all Isaks are snakes but Lucas reminds me of a woodpecker, personally.

Or maybe they will both be raccoons for the sole reason that I want to start calling Lucas Little King Trashmouth.

MISSED OPPORTUNITY for Lucas to say “draw me like one of your French girls” or something along those lines, though.

Clip 7 - What ... the fuck ...

Lucas and Eliott smoke and talk. While Eliott gets up to change the music, Lucas checks his phone and he’s got messages from Chloé waiting for him.

Lucas blames his absence on the other guys lacking motivation and THAT is the least believable excuse I have heard in my fucking life, come on, Lucas. As if those dudes aren’t panting after those girls. Did you even meet Basile? If you talk to him for ten seconds you’ll already know the names of five girls he wants to fuck.

And of course he types this as Yann is trying to get in touch with him about the party, very much motivated to go.

One of these days an Isak just needs to lie in a plausible way. “Sorry I’m sick, I think I have food poisoning, I’ve been shitting my guts out for the last hour.” If you overshare and make it disgusting, they’re not going to question you further AND Chloé will probably back off and stop chasing you.

Lucas guesses that Eliott will be putting on some Chopin or Dad Jazz because the turntable makes him seem like a vintage collector but ACTUALLY Eliott is one weird motherfucker and I have to say, not even Even would pull this stunt this soon in their relationship, because what he puts on is dubstep and Eliott starts banging his head and jumping around in a completely unashamed way, and like, even Lucas in all his infatuation with this guy cannot help but stare at him like “what the fuck is going on.”

When Eliott asks about it Lucas responds, “....it’s cool!” in the same way I do when an older relative asks me what I think of The Big Bang Theory or the Minions.

Eliott asks Lucas about his tastes and Lucas is more into rock, like very famous bands, Nirvana, Rolling Stones, Beatles, The Clash. Eliott offers to put on Queen and luckily for the music licensing department Lucas is like, no, I like discovering new things. By which he means “I like discovering new boys.”

Eliott blows a perfect ring of smoke so we know he has more smoke skills than Lucas, going off Lucas’ messy shotgunning in episode 1, and then Lucas also starts to rock out to the music and I’m kinda feeling secondhand embarrassment but also, I guess this means they’re meant for each other?

Clip 8 - Piano man

They’re both sitting there stoned as fuck, Eliott doesn’t want to get up to change the record, so Lucas gets up and puts the record to the side. But instead of selecting a new one, he lifts the lid the piano and asks Eliott if he plays. Eliott says he can play the Star Wars theme - so he has Star Wars fanboying in common with Even, heh.

Lucas then sits down and starts to play perhaps too well for someone who’s probably pretty stoned by now (but I’ve never tried so who knows) and Eliott sits up. We get him smiling at Lucas, eyes shining. At one point Lucas looks behind him and seems to get encouraged by Eliott’s enchanted reaction.

Mmmm ... unpopular opinion, but while this is a really lovely scene, I kiiiinda wish they’d taken it down a notch or put the focus more on Lucas? Because there’s like ... not really any ambiguity about what Eliott feels after this, with his enamored stare at Lucas, and I think in context of the larger story, it takes a little tension out. I think with Even, the attraction was conveyed more in small looks and glances, and while I definitely thought he was always into Isak, from Isak’s POV you could see how the arrival of Sonja threw that into doubt, there was room to question whether Even really had feelings for Isak. Whereas here it’s like ... girlfriend or not, Eliott is smitten with Lucas, I don’t really feel that the ending reveal carries as much weight. I guess I’d put more focus on Lucas’ expressions as he plays, showing him getting into it and letting himself put down his emotional walls and express himself, showing him more open here with Eliott than he’s been so far anywhere else - this is his POV season, after all - and cut back on Eliott’s reactions to preserve a little mystery.

What I think is good about this moment is that Eliott got to share a part of himself, with his drawings (and his questionable taste in music), and unbeknownst to him his Polaris project, and now Lucas gets to share a part of himself with his piano playing, and so they’ve both let each other in to their artistic sides, perhaps establishing them both as creative types. It’s cool that we both see their respective interests. They might even complement each other’s, like Lucas’ music might end up serving Eliott’s vision for his film or something. And this was obviously a turning point for Eliott, he may have noticed Lucas on the first point of school but this is what took his interest in Lucas to another level as he saw Lucas just unleash this piano piece, catching him off guard with something beautiful.

When Lucas is done, Eliott says it was impressive, and that Lucas is surprising, and he likes surprising people. Well they’re just being blatant as fuck, aren’t they.

Unfortunately, the night must end as Eliott has people to meet and Lucas has a party to endure. Eliott walks Lucas out and says it was great, they need to hang out again, Lucas agrees. I like this moment a lot because it is somewhat more ambiguous - like on the surface this could be a platonic conversation, just wanting to hang out as friends, but there’s just a little too much intensity, a bit too much of a pause in the delivery, to think this exchange is so casual.

Just as Lucas is going Eliott adjusts his hair? I don’t even know what he was doing because I do not notice a single change in Lucas’ hairdo but Eliott sure did it as a memorable parting gesture. Lucas is internally screaming, probably.

Lucas goes out the door and outside he checks his phone, of course Chloé is pissed, Yann asks why Lucas is lying, Chloé has been posting “men are trash” messages on IG. I repeat: just tell them that you have unstoppable explosive diarrhea and people won’t be so quick to judge.

Behind him, Eliott leaves his place and Lucas sees him greet a girl with a kiss. OK now that is actually a pretty big change because Eliott does not know that Lucas saw him with a girlfriend and like, I always thought Even was overcompensating with Sonja when he started to compliment her and make out with her, but Eliott was just casually greeting his girlfriend with a kiss, without knowing Lucas was there. He’s not going to know Lucas knows about his girlfriend the next time they meet. If Lucas is irritated with him, he’s going to be like WTF.

There’s piano music at the end, and with its inclusion in the clip itself, I’m thinking they’re going to use a lot of piano on the soundtrack this season. They already did it in episode one.

Social Media/General Comments

Lucas apparently ran away from Chloé at the bus stop, heh. She texted him to “subtly” see if he wanted to hang out and insinuated that she wanted to swing by Lucas’ flat some time. Or not subtly. Nothing about her is subtle. She’s wearing a sign that says BANG ME LUCAS.

Lol, as I mentioned above, Emma was hanging out with Raptor Alex and posting pics and stories on IG, I don’t know why they’re surprised people might think they’re an item after they also just hooked up at a party. Like not necessarily together-4ever but it’s not an unreasonable assumption they have a ~thing.

Lucas and Imane laugh over the tampon thing via text later, it’s a sweet moment. I wonder how they’re going to play the religion discussions since the two are already warming up to each other, Lucas being like, “Why are you religious?” in a confrontational way would kill the vibe.

Manon was supposed to see The Book of Mormon with Charles, then later she posted “Night in after all.” Dramaaaaa. Manon, fuck Charles and go by yourself. If some dude bailed on me that night I’d be like, whatever asshole, we paid to see these singing Mormons and I am going to goddamn see some singing Mormons. (Also, lmao at her dramatically posting that publicly, talk about a passive-aggressive swipe at Charles.)

Let’s talk about Basile, goddamn Basile, because he is by far my biggest issue with the season so far. Everything else is pretty solid, any other quibbles I have pale to my rapidly developing kneejerk GTFO when he appears on screen.

Some of the issue is that this dude is so one-note and in a really intense way, like you know when you’re a toddler and your parent hands you a pot to bang on and you hit it with a wooden spoon over and over? That’s Basile. There’s also just the element of overexposure. He tends to take over the boy squad scenes just because he wants to get laid. It feels like we’ve already had as much of Basile thirsting after Daphne and Maria in two episodes as we did Magnus crushing on Vilde spread over the whole season.

You might say Magnus was similarly desperate to hook up with a girl, and that’s true of course. And look, Magnus isn’t perfect and he said some dumbass shit during the season, but at the same time, there was a kind of weird innocence to him? Even when Vilde is complaining about the first year girls taking the older guys, and he says he’s available to fuck if she wants, it’s an outrageous statement but the way it’s played has a bizarre purity to it, like hey, this girl thinks there won’t be anyone for her to fuck, I should offer! With Basile there’s more sleaziness to his behavior, like dude has been on Reddit too long and has read too many forums about embittered men seeking to get laid.

I think some of it also is that a lot of Magnus was not actively and aggressively pursuing specific girls and bothering them for the most part - after that first offer to fuck Vilde, we don’t see him nagging her or crossing her boundaries, from what I recall? The flirtation gets mutual. He mentions stuff like the Vilde sex dream to the guys but it’s not like he’s telling that to her. With Basile he’s directly going after Daphne in a very persistent way.

One way they could redeem Basile is have his behavior act as a criticism of toxic straight boy bullshit, to go along with the heteronormative pressure. We still have a bunch of episodes to go so perhaps Basile will have character growth.

One thing I didn’t care for was them breaking up the Friday clip into multiple parts and airing them one after the other. I suspected that it was due to time restrictions and I was right, according to the screenwriter on IG. It’s too bad because I think it interrupts the flow of the story. With Skam, we got to see Isak himself change over the course of the afternoon - he went from shy and reserved to opening up and being able to laugh and joke around with Even, and the fact that it’s all one clip makes it more noticeable. The length makes it feel like the lazy afternoon Isak and Even spent getting to know each other. Not Skam France’s fault they had to break it up, just a shame because it felt choppier - watching it clip by clip meant I kept going back to what I was doing in real life and losing the mood instead of sinking into it. But I appreciate what they were trying to do when they couldn’t have a long scene and I think the ways they cut the scene were probably the best places to end/start the clips, tone-wise.

On that note, I’m trying to avoid the BTS commentary but I ended up reading it when I saw the reaction to the Skam France writer’s thoughts on Isak. I get what the guy was going for, Isak was more reserved and shy than Lucas is and Even was doing a lot of the initiating, although yeah, I think his description was worded in an oversimplified way - I don’t think Isak was entirely naive and innocent, more like inexperienced (which is a different thing) and he was certainly the hero of his own story, he was brave. Just because he wasn’t as outgoing doesn’t mean he wasn’t taking control of his own story - I’d say that’s part of what makes his character development so powerful, that because he is more repressed, his choices to kiss Even, to come out to his friends, to learn to be himself, have even more impact. But I don’t think Niels meant to bash Isak or anything, and it’s very clear from his notes that he loves and respects the original season. I think his main point was just like “Lucas is more upfront in his actions,” lol.

Though on a related note, the experience of watching the remakes has made me think that a lot of people don’t get who Isak is as a character, and especially have some extremely bad faith and unsympathetic readings of him. But that’s a rant for another time.

Tbh I think the behind-the-scenes notes about production stuff like “Axel wasn’t a trained pianist but he practiced hard for this scene” is fine and fun, it’s more the stuff that’s like “Here’s the interpretation of the scene itself” that I wish would wait until the season ends. But lmao, I’m just gonna try to avoid that stuff again.

I actually did like this episode. I’m not sure Skam France is ever going to be my favorite remake, because there’s something about the way it’s filmed that feels more slick and well, TV-like than is my preference, but I can definitely see that they’ve upgraded from last season, and that they’re trying hard to give this story its own spin. The Polaris symbolism is the biggest sign of that so far.

If there’s something I do wish we could get more of with Skam France, it’s subtlety? As a show it often feels more dramatic and this episode leaned heavier on the blatant romance, which might be a cultural thing, and I can absolutely get why people are more drawn to that. There’s plenty of TV shows and movies that I like that are not subtle in the slightest. I guess I’ve just been thinking that I wish the remakes would not be afraid to rely more on subtext for parts of this season, especially building up this relationship. Like there’s nothing blatantly “romantic” about the Evak version of this clip - everything is heavily show don’t tell, and we have to read into the littlest moments, the shared glances. How Even smiles to himself for just a brief moment after Isak compliments his drawings, or how Isak gets flustered after Even teases him for not knowing who Nas is (because he wants Even to think he’s cool) and how Even says that they’ll listen to Nas later - the implication that Isak is going to stay a while and Even will share this with him. “We can’t go back now” is in relationship to the cheese toasties, except you know, it’s not really about the cheese toasties. With Lucas and Eliott, it’s really easy to pick out that Eliott is flirting when he’s flat-out telling Lucas how special he is and how he’s intrigued by him, and sure, that’s where they’re going with Eliott’s character and making him more direct but it’s also related to the overall method and effectiveness of the storytelling. (I mean ... having Eliott be like “You are this-and-that, Lucas” is the definition of telling, not showing, lol.) And I completely get why that works for a lot of people, it doesn’t NOT work for me, but the understated stuff is what makes me watch clips a dozen times to pick up on it all, the subtext is what gets under my skin. My favorite moment was their goodbye at the door because it was a typical friendly exchange on the surface but with more going unspoken, and I felt that on the screen. So not to whine, because I did legitimately enjoy the Lucas/Eliott interaction, those are just my preferences. (The show is not made for me personally etc etc., cultural differences etc etc. I’m aware.)

I am finally warming up to Lucas, after two seasons. I really don’t think that I didn’t care for him before just because his character was closed off and snaky, because I’ve liked every other Isak in the first season of their show even though they’ve also kept secrets and done shady shit. I think they’ve just found a way to portray his character more effectively after having to copy + paste S1 and S2. They can make the character feel more organic. Also, not gonna lie, it felt like they cut back on the serial killer looks (partially because Lucas has more smiley and relaxed moments) so A+ work, Axel.

Also, knowing that they had to redo the first two seasons so closely doesn’t really change my opinion of the quality of the first two seasons, but it does make me more sympathetic toward the cast and crew for having to color inside the lines, so to speak.

Eliott is a fucking weird ass human being and I’m really feeling his character. They made his absurdly good looks more approachable by turning him into a dubstep-stanning furry, and I am here for whatever shit they tell us about him next.

I also think think the use of music was much better than in previous seasons. There were some very deliberate choices in this episode, obviously, but it felt like they’re learning to use silence more effectively and not shoehorning the soundtrack as much.

Feel free to chime in or correct me about French culture/translation/other issues.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

#skamfr reactions #skam france reactions

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christinky · 6 years

Text

The Runaway, (Bucky x reader)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Mention of blood and cutting (Not too much, very short), some angst, some fluff, running away, mention of death.

Words: A lot

Summary: You messed up, people died because of your mistake. Not being able to handle it you leave the Avengers and start a new life. You are happy living in a small town, until your past comes to find you and you have to make a decision.

A/N: I’M SUPER PUMPED FOR THIS. I hope you guys like this! I’ve had this idea with a couple other plot and situations, my spotify discover had some songs that for some reason helped me come up with this. Let me know what you think.

The light pries through the blinds, you can feel the warmth of his arm wrapped around you. You lie there still, slowly waking up, enjoying the cosiness of the warm bed. Cuddling up closer to you fiance he starts to move, “Good morning beautiful” he says in his raspy voice.

You smile as he pulls you in closer, holding you close. “Good morning sunshine.”

Taking this opportunity you flip over to face him, his strong arms still holding you close. You bury your face into his neck, closing your eyes in peace.

The room was quiet, warm, just right. His lips are pressing against the top of your head, making you smile. You lift your head to look up at him, his brown wavy hair is all messy, eyes soft and full of love as they look back down at you. This gives you hope that you are going to truly be happy.

“I have to get ready for work,” He pouts as you start to cling to him, not letting go, “Please (Y/N), I have to go to work.”

He tries prying your grip apart so he can escape. “No, 5 more minutes!” You demand, still half asleep.

“I’ll see you when you get home from work love, besides only 12 more days until you will be Mrs. Matthew Evans.” He smiles as he places a kiss on your forehead, knowing that you don’t like morning breath kisses.

“I can’t wait.” Your eyes meet as you bite your bottom lip, his brown eyes lit up with joy.

He leaves you in bed as he gets ready for work. The two of you met 3 years ago, a few months after you moved to town and he proposed 6 months ago. You are happy, happier than you thought you would be but something is missing.

Flashes of the life you left behind come up often, memories of him. The one you left. You never thought you could be as happy as you were then, but you are pretty close. With all the happy memories there are also painful ones, which caused you to run, change your name, and go into hiding.

Matt comes back into the bedroom, sits next to you on the bed. The smell of his cologne fills the room, it is a handsome, musky scent. His hand bushes your hair back, then bringing it to your cheek. The warmth is welcomed as he pulls your head up, pressing his lips to yours. His lips are soft and loving. You melt against him, “I love you babe.”

“I love you too.” You place one more kiss goodbye before he walks out of the room, moments later you hear the front door close. You mean what you say, you love him, even if you think of your old boyfriend at times.

You roll out of your bed, knowing that its your turn to get ready. Opening your closet, you search for something to wear, eventually settling on a pink tank top with a gray cardigan and jeans. Your morning routine is simple, brushing your teeth then a quick simple everyday makeup and throwing your hair into a pony tail.

Before you start to head, you stare into the mirror just like almost everyday. Looking at who you are now, and looking back at who you used to be. Remembering why you left, and why you can’t go back. Your chest starts to tighten from the pain, head starts to get heavy and eyes weak. It what has to be done though, and with that you grab your purse and go to work.

When you first moved to town, you searched for a job. At the community center they were looking for a youth programs coordinator. You were drawn to it, thinking that you could help some kids and have fun yourself.

You love going to work, during the day you plan events and make sure the day’s activities were all set for when the kids got out of school. Helping coach and coordinate sports games for high schoolers, giving them a place to have fun with their friends and get help with school work. No one expected high schoolers to be coming to the program but after a while you had a regular group that came. Middle schoolers and elementary is easy, they all flood in after school. You have games and activities set up, you always make you that you are available to play and help them when needed.

It makes you feel important, like you are still helping those who need it, you are making a difference. You know almost all the kids that come through the doors, and they all love you. At the end of the day you stand on the steps as the kids run to get to their parents. Full of pride as you see the joy on their faces. Until you start to feel your stomach drop, thinking that if they knew who you really were, would they still accept you, still love you. You get sick just thinking about it.

Rather than driving or taking a bus you walk to and from work. You only live about 3/4s of a mile away, and you like the quiet alone time you get from it. The sun is setting, the sky filled with pink and orange. The beauty helps calm you. A cold breeze brushes past you, sending a shiver down your spine, but it is welcomed. The smells of barbecues, fresh cut grass and nature fill the air. The air is much fresher here than what you were used to. You inhale deeply, taking in the smells, letting your shoulders relax.

A huge bang rings out from the other side of the street. You freeze, looking for the source of the sound, heart pounding in your chest. Instantly being thrown back into your past.

The sound of gunshots fill the air. You are on the rooftop alone except for a lone gunman by the edge. You and Nat were given orders to take out the gunmen on the rooftops. The rest of your team is on the ground and flying through the air focusing on the main target.

You focus on the gunman as you try to catch him off guard. You are quiet, making sure not to alert him. In an instant his head jerks to look at you, focusing his gun at you. Staying calm, you use your gun to shot him in the arm before he can fire a shot, causing him to drop the gun in pain.

A harsh force hits your head, knocking you to the ground. Looking around you realize you forgot a parameter check to look for anyone else on the roof, therefor you did not see the guy hiding in the shadows. Its 2 against one. This is on you, knowing full well that that was the first thing you should have done before fulling entering the rooftop.

You get back on your feet, wanting to fix your mistake fast. He goes to punch you again, you grab his arm and pull it down. Pulling up your knee to bash his face against. He hits the ground, blood pouring out from his nose. You kick him in the crotch to make sure he is down.

At this point the gunman is ready for you, but he doesn’t have a gun drawn at you this time. Its down, against his side. He has a sly smile on his face, watching you intensely. The look in his eyes makes you uneasy, his eyes are crazy, almost with happiness rather than anger. You eyes instantly notice his hand, in it is a bomb.

You run at him, looking to take him out at his knees. Your heart is racing, hands sweaty, mind fully focused on him. He stands still, waiting for you. Just before you reach him, he jumps. Rushing to the side you see him falling, you watch in horror as you see him throwing the bomb into a broken window of the building you are on.

The office building has yet to be evacuated due to the entrances leading to a war zone. No other ways out. Your heart drops as you see glass shatter, flames fly out, followed by screaming of people. Innocent people.

Under your feet you feel the building start to shake. Apparently the building’s structure was blown from the bomb. It is about to come down. You look to the side, assessing the distance between buildings, figuring you could make it. You sprint as fast as you can to the edge and jump.

Your arms meet the rough texture of the roof as you slide against it. Quickly, you push yourself up as you see the building you were just on collapsing, with everyone inside it. Tears start pouring out of you, thrown back in shock. Your head starts hurting with the realization that this is your fault. “(Y/N)! (Y/N)!” You hear Bucky, your boyfriend, screaming through the comms to you, “(Y/N)! Are you okay?”

But you don’t respond, overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt. You messed up, this is on you. The death of hundreds of people. Without thinking, you rip the comm out of your ear and throw it into the rubble of the collapsed building. Making sure you aren’t noticed, you escape and start running.

“Ms. (Y/N)” You hear a voice call out, “Are you okay?”

Your attention dawn to a parent in the driveway across the street, “Oh yeah, I’m sorry. That loud boom just scared me a bit!” You shout back to him.

“I’m so sorry, that was just the hood of my car, I was checking on the engine.” You let out a sigh of relief as you jump back to reality.

“Oh you’re fine!” You assure him, “I’m just a little jumpy is all.”

You continue walking, trying to forget about the flashback you just had. Instead thinking about your wedding, you have planned it all out perfectly. A nice simple ceremony, with some friends you have made along with his family followed by a small reception. Its going to be simple but gorgeous. Tomorrow you pick up your dress, a lovely full length with a straight skirt. Modest yet sexy.

When you arrive home, Matt is waiting for you with dinner, like usual. The fact that Matt could cook was amazing, you love that about him. He is also kind and gentle, yet rough and strong. Like the best of both worlds. The kids at the community center actually pushed you to him, this is a pretty small town but not too small.

Matt had the kids in his class, and once they learned that you were single too they instantly went into matchmaker mode. Setting the two of you up, and its been wonderful ever sense.

Once dinner was over, you took a shower and lie in bed. Matt is already in bed reading a book when you enter the bedroom. You fold over the comforter and jump in next to him. He closes his book and turns off the light. Lying down and reaching out his arm for you. You snuggle up closer to him, head on his chest and legs tangled up.

Looking up your eyes meet his. Getting lost in his blue eyes, they are stunning. His scruff rubbing against your forehead before he places a kiss there. He is smiling from ear to ear, your heart jumps at the sight of him. He flips over onto his side, so you guys are facing each other. You feel the coldness of his arm on your lower back. “I missed you love, I’m so happy to have you back.” He whispers to you.

“I missed you too Buck” you reply before pulling him into a kiss.

You open your eyes slowly, you look up gently. Not expecting to be hit with disappointment. Not realizing you had a smile on your face as you feel it fade away. You are cuddled up with Matt, seeing he is still sound asleep. You lie there, remembering the dream you just had, how it felt right. How you wish it was real, and you were back in Bucky’s arms.

Immediately you get the thought out of your head. Knowing that it will never happen, you left that life, making sure no one could connect the dots from here and no one would come find you. After all, the world thinks the real you is dead. Thinking your body was lost in the rubble, one if the ones that were never identified. They found your comm, and they assumed you fell along with it.

Matt starts to stir as he wakes up, his arms stretch out as he lets out a moan. Then looking down to meet your eyes. Hiding the disappointment in sadness that was just there moments ago.

The two of you carry on your usual routine, he gets up first and gets ready, kissing you goodbye. About an hour later you get ready, and head to work.

You finish locking up the building, as you leave to go pick up your wedding dress. You are excited, even if your dream still lingers in the back of your mind, not helping but thinking that it should be Bucky at the end of the isle.

The dress shop agreed to stay open late so you could pick up the dress and do a final fitting to make sure it was perfect. As you walk out of the dressing room, the two employees look at you in amazement. You look beautiful. You stand on the platform in front of the mirrors.

Not meaning to, you start crying. They both think its from finding the perfect dress and being so happy. Part of it was from how you look in the dress, you don’t want to admit it to yourself but deep inside you knew this was wrong. Yes you love Matt but he will never be your Bucky.

The seamstress makes sure everything is perfect before you go back to take the dress off. In the dressing room you let yourself stop faking the happiness. You allow yourself to be sad, for just a moment. Because this is your like now, you had no choice.

Leaving the shop, you head to your friend’s house. You met Nina when you first moved here, she was searching for a roommate so you applied. She had agreed to be your maid of honor in the wedding, and was now letting you hide the dress at her place. She knows nothing about your feelings or your real past of course, you can’t even let your best friend know anything.

The night sky is clear, stars filling the sky. The air is cool and crisp, still and quiet. Wedding dress in your arm, you try to compose yourself and focus back on the wedding and how you are still happy. A sharp pain strikes the back of your head as something makes contact with you, sending you straight into the ground. You try to get up but hit again, then everything goes dark.

You feel a pounding headache as you come back to you senses. You keep your eyes closed to help fight the pain. You try to move, only to feel something cold and hard against your wrists, which are above your head. You start to open your eyes, you are sitting on a dirt floor. Looking around the room, you see that the walls are covered in dirt, one door, no windows, the ceiling is mostly blocks of wood and more dirt. There is a single lightbulb hanging from the ceiling that lights up the small room. You are underground. Thats when you see cuffs around your wrists with chains attached to the wall holing you up. Your ankles are also chained but attached to some weights rather than the floor.

On the other side of the room, right across from you, there was a computer system. about 7 screens. You think about what those could possibly be for. On the seat in front of it you see your wedding dress draped over the back.

Your heart is about to burst out of your chest its pounding so hard. You can feel your palms get clammy. For the first time in years, you are afraid. Having no idea where you are, why you are here and what is going on. Thinking that this can’t be linked to your past, you are dead, how did anyone find you. That is the only reason you can think of, this life you have lived the past 4 years is over.

The door in the corner starts to open. Your breathing is still intense as you prepare for someone to walk through. Its a man, he is build like a house and tall, his face is covered with a mask. You can’t even see his eyes or anything. “Are you ready?” His voice is disguised, must be a device in the mask.

You are cold, face pale, but you try to keep a neutral expressions so he doesn’t know you are scared. “For what?” You ask, keeping your voice from shaking.

He turns on the computers and starting to do something on the main screen. You cant see as he is blocking the screen from you, which only causes you more fear. “To see them again.” He laughs as he speaks.

Your stomach drops them, knowing exactly who that is. It can only mean your old team, the one you ran away from, the one that was like your family, the Avengers. That means Bucky. Your mind races, thinking about what they will think, have they known that you weren’t dead, if there did were they searching for you, or did they think you were dread and you are suddenly back and alive.

The man walks over to you, a sack in his hands. He places it over your head, hiding you from the screen, he must be waiting to make your reveal special. He has plans for you, your stomach aches with the thoughts of what it could be.

You hear his footsteps go back to the computers, you can hear his fingers clicking against the keyboard. Suddenly he speaks voice still disguised, “Hello there, I hope I have everyone’s attention.”

You shiver at the sound, knowing who he is talking to. “I have something to show you,” You hear him walking back to you, suddenly the darkness from the sack disappears. Blinding you for a moment. You look right at the computer screens, they are all showing videos of different rooms in the compound. Your friends watching you. “Look who I found,” His voice is cheery.

He must have hacked the system Tony had in place, broadcasting you on every monitor in the place, security cameras showing them. You lose your breath, wide eyes and still as a statue. On the top right screen is Bucky, he looks as frozen as you are. “I found her in a little town in Nebraska of all places.” You can see the shock on everyone’s face.

“She seems to have quite the life there, a good job working with kids. How sweet.” He starts pacing around the room.

“Now you see, I assume you would like her back, or at least alive. I will gladly return her to you.” He pauses, “But of course that means I want payment. Nothing to crazy of course, just a fair trade. How about an arc reactor, that seems like a great trade, an arc reactor for your friend’s life.”

You can see Tony and Steve talking on the left center screen. You can’t hear anything. No sound is coming from the speakers. You scan all of the screens, you can see Nat, Wanda, Vision, Steve, Sam, Thor, Tony, Bruce and Bucky. There are all there, staring at you, helpless.

“Now, the choice is yours. If you don’t comply I’ll just keep her as my pet.” He walks over to you, his fingers pet the side of your face. You try to squirm away, pulling his hand back it comes back at full force. You wince in pain, feeling the blood drip from your nose. You snap your head back to the screen, seeing the fear in Bucky’s eyes, in everyone’s eyes really.

“Anything you would like to say my dear?” His hand motions to the video camera on the main monitor.

You take a deep breath, holding back tears. “I’m sorry.” Its all you could manage to say before the tears overwhelm you and burst out of you.

“Are you sorry for making the world think you were dead?” He pauses, walking over to the chair, “Or this?”

He hold up the wedding dress for them to see, “You’re getting married soon.” He looks over to you, your arms and legs go numb, “You would have made a beautiful bride, don’t you think Bucky?”

Bucky is getting mad, you can tell. It looks like he is about to jump through the screen. You can also see pain in his eyes, pain that you would do this to him. You just sit there, crying.

Looking at him again, you force yourself to speak, “Bucky, I had to. Please Buck, I’m sorry. I still love-” You are cut off with another punch to the face. Loosing consciousness for a moment.

“God, shut up.” The man hisses, “Now if you want to make a trade, meet me here,” he hold up a map so you can’t see. “I’ll be waiting.”

Then the screens go black. The man walks out of the room without giving you another look.

You don’t know how long its been, since there is no windows or anyway to tell time. As time passes he comes back. He comes back just to hurt you, no words spoken. A few time he cut you, kicked you, and then the classic punch. It feels like weeks have passed, you know it hasn’t been nearly as long, couldn’t have been more than 2 days tops.

As you sit there alone, you try to distract yourself from the physical pain. The only way to do that is focus on the emotional pain. You think about what they are doing in your current life, Matt is probably worried sick with you missing, using Nina as comfort. No one is there for the kids unless they got volunteers. Your chest is tight, in pain thinking about the pain you are causing everyone.

Then your mind goes to the team, after 4 years, what were they saying or thinking. Bucky probably has moved on, forgot about you. This is just a painful reminder for him. Would they even want to save you? Why would they? You had abandoned them, made everyone believe you were dead. This is what you deserve.

As you come to terms with your current situation, accepting your fate to die here, the door opens. “Looks like they might not hate you after all.” He looks down at you, “Too bad they wont get to you.”

He walks back out as he slams the door, you can hear it lock on the other side. Again, your emotions get the best of you. You start crying uncontrollably. You start to scream “NOOOO!”

You scream and scream, but it doesn’t do anything. Your throat hurts forcing you to stop. You are underground, no one will hear you and you can’t hear them. You lean your head against the wall, tears still steaming down your cheeks. You find yourself losing energy to stay awake as you cry yourself to sleep.

You jerk awake, you hear noises outside the door. Voices sound like they are screaming, but you hear them as whispers. Pounding on what must be more doors outside of your’s.

You feel lighter, you start to feel hope build up inside you. You pull the rest of the energy you have left in you, “HELP!” You scream, “PLEASE! SOMEONE! HELP ME!” You continue, hoping maybe just maybe they can hear you.

The noises outside disappear, puling everything you have you just scream, not wasting it on words. Just the loudest scream you had in you. You wait a moment, listening to see if it worked. Nothing.

Grief overcomes you, you missed your chance. You throw your head back against the dirt wall, hoping you can just end it now. Thats when you hear it. Another whisper, it is louder than it was before. “Guys, I heard it coming from over here.”

It sounds a bit like Steve, you are certain its really Steve. “Steve! Please, I’m in here!” You try to scream but it comes out weak.

Suddenly you can hear bashing against the door. Part of you is happy, the other part worried, what will it be like seeing them again.

You hear the lock give as the door is bashed open. You really want to look at them as they walk through, but you can’t. Staring at the floor away from the door as you can hear them walk towards you. “(Y/N)..” It’s Steve, his voice is soft and gentle.

“I’m sorry.” again its all you can manage to say as your hair covers your face and tears starting to spill out of you.

Footsteps are walking towards you, You can see the boots in front of your face. They are Nat’s. She bends down, pulling your chin up. Looking you right in your eyes. She looks sad, well for her at least. “Listen, you are fine. We are so happy to see you.” She looks at you for a bit longer before she stands, focusing on the cuffs on your hands as Steve releases your ankles from the weights.

“Where is he?” You ask, looking over at Steve. The corner of his mouth turns into a smile as his head motions to the door.

There he is, Bucky emerging from the door way. He looks broken. Almost like he had when he was at his worst after escaping Hydra. He stares at you, waiting to see your creation towards him. You can tell that part of him wants to run to you, but the ball is in your court right now.

“Bucky..” You sound so relieved. You watch him as you stand up, weak from the time spent chained to the floor with the beatings, but you can still do it. You walk to him as fast as you can, as he starts moving forward to catch you as you began to stumble.

There you are in his arms, eyes meeting for the first time. Neither of you say a word, he just helps you get out of here.

They take you into the jet, everyone is sitting around as Bruce cleans your wounds. Luckily you aren’t hurt too bad, mild concussion with some scars and bruises. Tony gave you a hoodie to change into because your clothes were covered in blood.

Everyone is silent for a while except for Bruce telling you to hold still. You just stare at the floor. “So (Y/N), you need to tell me where to fly this thing.” Tony breaks the silence. “Listen, we all want you back, welcoming you with open arms. You had us worried sick about you, we thought we had lost you. But here you are and we want you back.”

You stay silent, trying to think even though you know what you want. You turn to Tony who continues talking, “However, where ever you had been for the past 4 years, you have obviously made a life there.” He looks at the engagement ring on your finger. “Its your choice.”

Scanning the room everyone is staring at you, everyone with smiles on their faces, looking like they actually mean that they want you to stay with them. Bucky though, he looks hurt. He is hurt that you would just run away, leaving everything the two of you had built.

Looking back, you two were perfect. 3 years together, as long as you and Matt. The late night conversations, you helping him cope, just lying in each other’s arms for hours, your play fights, the walks in the park you loved, and just being happy.

“Well first, this is at least what I want to know,” Steve speaks up, “Why did you leave?”

You swallow hard, preparing yourself, “I messed up.” You hold back the tears, even though you don’t think you have any left, “It was all my fault that those people died. I couldn’t live with looking at all of you everyday knowing that I was the one who messed up. I didn’t really think it through, I just ran. When I had the chance to think about it and see that I should have stayed it was too late”

You scan the room again to see everyone’s reactions. They look puzzled. “(Y/N),” Its Wanda’s turn to speak, “No one was in that building.”

“What? There was no way out. I heard their screams.” You are focused on her.

Steve stands, walking towards you. “After the first attack the city put underground tunnels under building just in case of another attack. They were just kept a secret until they were needed to prevent anything.” He kneels in front of you, “No one was in there.”

You interrupt him, “What about the screams?”

“That must have just been from those in other buildings that were not evacuated yet, there was only capacity for a building or two at a time. We got the ones that were in most danger out first.” Steve looks at you like he knows what has been eating you up inside the past 4 years.

You look him in the eyes, “Are you sure I’m welcomed back?”

“Of course” Natasha places a hand on your back, “But I think before we go we should do one last sweep of the place.”

Everyone nods as they stand, “(Y/N) you wait here, Bucky keep an eye on her.” Steve says as they exit the Jet.

It is clear what they are doing, they want the two of you to talk. You look over to him, his eyes already watching you as he walks over, taking a seat next to you. You go to speak but are cut off by him.

“Listen, the decision is yours. I don’t want to make it any harder for you. If you love him, go back to him.”

“I love him,” You start, Bucky looks away, “But I love Steve, I love Wanda, I love Tony, I love the entire team. But, over everyone, I love you the most Buck.”

His attention is back on you, holding your hand now, “I understand if you don’t love me anymore, but if you are willing to give me another chance, if you are willing to try rebuilding what we had, I want to. I want to be with you.”

Bucky stays quiet, “I’m sorry Bucky, every night I thought about you. Wished you were the one beside me. Truth is, I might have been happy but I felt like I had to force myself. Thinking I could never be happy without you, but I thought I could never have you again. I didn’t mean to hurt you, really. I just had to move on at some point. I love you Bucky”

The water works start again, and rather than speaking he pulls you into a hug. In this moment, everything is perfect, the feeling of his arms wrapped around you cause you to melt in his grasp. He hold you for a while, you feel weight lifting off your shoulders as you are pressed against his warm body.

“I love you too.” He whispers in your ears, scruff brushing against them making you giggle. You pull away to look at him, both you smiling knowing that you are back.

You bite your lip, knowing what you have to do, “You do know, I have to go back there though.”

Bucky nodding in agreement.

“I have to say goodbye, I need to give them all closure and I think someone deserves an apology.” You look down as you play with your engagement ring, “I think he needs this back too.”

Foot steps start making their way up the ramp of the jet, the entire team coming back on board. Its clear they are waiting your response. You look up at them, Tony sits in the pilot’s chair starting up the engine.

“I have to go back.” You announce still playing with your ring, “I have to say goodbye, they all deserve at least that much. I have some explaining to do, I don’t want to do it but he deserves better.”

As Tony gets the jet ready you give him the address so he can at least see where to fly. “Okay, I think this will take more than a few hours, maybe more than a day considering you do have that rock on your finger.” Tony announces while taking off, “So Nat if you could find us a hotel that would be great. (Y/N) if you have any suggestions, also where is somewhere to land this thing?”

You hesitate, realizing what you are about to do, “Well I would love to invite you guys to stay at my place but I don’t think I’ll really be welcomed there” You wanted this to be a joke but it just broke you inside. You really did not want to hurt Matt, you do love him but this is just a horrible situation. “There is really only one hotel, its pretty small but its nice. You can land on the community center fields. You’ll just have to get approval from the mayor, I believe he is the next in line for that.”

Bruce shoots you a confused look, “Next in line? Why don’t we just go to whoever is first.” He suggests.

“You see, being the youth program coordinator, I basically run the community center so I would be the person who could give you permission but seeing as I am not there, I can’t make sure the fields are cleared and give permission. If someone wants to give me their phone I can give you his number so you can speak with him.

Now everyone is looking at you in amazement and confusion. “Okay, I’ll ask,” Nat taking the floor, “First, how did you get that job with no qualification at all. Second, why do you know the mayors phone number by heart?”

Fair enough, you thought to yourself. Thinking you would have to explain as they dug around later anyways. “Well first, it is really easy to lie on a resume and make it sound legit. Since the community center belongs to the citizens there my interview was done by a group of volunteers who really didn’t want to waste their time calling references. Second, since that was my job I had to get permission and permits and stuff like that for events so I called him a lot. Plus we are pretty good friends.”

That didn��t help much with the confusion as you can tell. Tony hand you his phone as you type in the number and hand it back to him, thinking this wasn’t the time to ask to land the Avenger’s jet on the property while you are currently a missing person and all.

For the rest of the flight the team asks more questions about your new life. You don’y mind filling them in, just wish that it could maybe wait. Every time you talk about it you remember all the good times, the people, everything that you are choosing to leave and the pain you are about to cause. Mostly you worry about Matt, this wedding is almost a week away and you are going to crush his heart. You are breaking down in the inside, nerves going crazy, stomach hurting and pressure in your head.

“Looks like people are pretty excited for the Avengers,” Tony interrupts, seeing the crowd of people waiting there for you all.

As you land, you start to feel sick. You can’t handle this. Wanda notices your distress, walking over and grabbing your hand before the door opens. She can tell you need to be comforted, someone for support and how that person cannot be Bucky right now.

The ramp starts to lower, everyone else stepping out before you attempt. The mayor it there to greet them along with some other important people. You can hear them speak, “So please tell me, why are the Avengers making a surprise visit to our little town.”

Your stomach drops, you hand on to Wanda as you start walking. No one speaks before you emerge from the Jet, arm and arm with Wanda. Bucky stays on the jet, not wanting to leave. Scanning the crowd, you spot Matt who is running to you, over joyed to see you safe.

He wraps his arms around you, hugging you tight. You let go of Wanda and hug him back. In the background you hear the kids cheering your name with the sound of their feet running. Suddenly you were in the middle of a giant group hug.

You can’t help but laugh, looking around to see all the smiling faces. You look over to the team standing next to you, they have smiles too, they aren’t genuine because they know what is gong to happen. You see Bucky peering out from the jet.

“Wow I am so happy to see all of you!” You say to the kids, “Did you guys want to meet the friends I brought with me?”

Instantly the kids dispersed to the different Avengers, trying to talk to them and get attention. You laugh seeing how thrown back everyone is at how excited and uncontrolled the children are seeing their heroes.

“I’m so glad you are okay babe,” Matt pulls you back closer to him, “Are you okay? Where have you been? And how did the Avengers get involved?” There is concern in his eyes, wanting to make sure you are okay. Before you can answer his lips are pressed to yours. Knowing that this will be your last you allow it, holding the back of his neck as he kisses you deeply. He finally pulls away, you can feel the team’s eyes on you.

“Listen, we can talk about that in private. Do you want to run inside real quick and talk?” Your voice is low, Matt knows it is serious.

Taking his hand the two of you sneak into the community center.

“Tell me what happened? Please, who’s ass do I have to kick.” He is serious. Not making this any easier for you.

You refuse to meet his gaze, not wanting to see his face as you hurt him. “I lied to you.” He pauses, waiting for you to continue, “I didn’t leave California for the quiet town life. I left New York to escape my life. My last name is not Henderson. I am (Y/full/N)’

Matt cuts you off, raising his voice before you can continue, “Wait (Y/full/N), as in the Avenger that was presumed dead years ago.” You just nod, avoiding his gaze, “Are you serious right now?”

Biting your lip you take a deep breath before continuing, “I didn’t mean to lie or hurt you. I got scared and ran away. Came here, made a life for myself without violence.” He is standing across the room, pacing with his hands on his head trying to stay calm.

“So what you got cold feet and ran back to them?” His voice was angry now.

“No! Someone did take me.” You correct him, “This guy somehow knew who I was and wanted to use me as bait. Thinking that if he had me he could get something from them. They saved me Matt.”

His pacing has stopped, “Then what does this mean?” His voice calmer now, “Now that they know you are alive, will they leave you alone?”

Your heart beat is surprisingly calm right now, your palms are sweaty and you can feel pain in your chest knowing what is about to happen. “I’m sorry,” HIs eyes dart to meet yours, “I..I’m going back with them. I have to.”

“Are they forcing you? They can’t do that (Y/N)!” His voice is angry again, you can see veins bulging in his neck.

“No Matt, It’s not like that.” You take a deep breath to prepare yourself, “I love you, I really do. I don’t want to do this to you. This is something I have to do. They are not forcing me but I have to go back with them. They, well they are my family.”

Tears start again, they were genuine though, “What about me? Aren’t I your family? What about your life here?” His breathing is heavy, his face red with anger.

He notices you are now crying, stopping immediately and calming himself down. Seeing that this is hard on you as well. Once is settles down he comes to sit next to you.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to yell.” He places a hand on your back, “I just love you so much. I don’t want to lose you. Even if you aren’t who you say you are, you are still the girl I fell in love with.”

His words sting, hitting you deep in your core. “I wish I didn’t have to hurt you by doing this. I am truly sorry. I hope you forgive me, that you can move on and find someone way better than me.”

You take off your ring, placing it in his hand. Standing up, you don’t have feeling in your legs. Still able to move them, they just feel like they have a mind of their own. Before you leave, you place a kiss on his forehead like he had done to you all those mornings. Walking away you stop at the door, “I love you.” you say one last time as you walk out.

Outside, you wipe the tears from your face. Composing yourself for everyone else’s sake. Sam is the first to see you walking back, nudging Nat so she can excuse herself from the conversations.

“Hey,” She says softly once she reaches you, “I’m guessing that didn’t go to well”

She can see how red your eyes are as she helps fix you up, bowing on your face to dry it off. Once you were ready, she walks with you.

In your head you think this can’t go any worse than how it went with Matt. Mentally preparing yourself as you stand between Nat and Tony, with the rest of the Avengers.

A little hand pops up, you gesture for the child to speak, “Ms. (Y/N), how do you know the Avengers?”

You were hoping to explain this to just the adults, not the children but here you are. “Well, you see... I used to be an Avenger.” You start to explain. Seeing all the parents and your friends turn to each other in shock. You bend down to the kids who are now actively listening to you, “Before I moved here I was an Avenger, but now they need me to go back. They need me to help them fight the bad guys.”

All the children are looking at you with amazement. Everyone actively listening as well, hoping you can put it in a way both children and adults can understand without causing any issues, “I really don’t want to leave you guys. I love all of you, it’s just the Avengers are still my family, just like you, but it is time for me to go back with them.”

You look around at all the eyes focused on you, making you uneasy. You try to stay focused on the kids, they have a lot less judgement in their eyes, “This is very hard for me, I would love to stay here with all of you. It’s just this isn’t my place, I’m meant to be an Avenger. Hopefully none of you are mad or disappointed that I am leaving, I’m heartbroken I have to do this. I hope we can still be friends, maybe I can come visit.” You turn to your team, “Maybe we can all visit.”

The kids start to cheer, thinking that the Avengers visiting can be a normal occurrence. You finish up, “Now I think its getting late, maybe tomorrow, if its okay with your parents, you guys can hangout and play some games with the real Avengers?”

The excitement from the kids is overwhelming. You stand back up to be with your team. Scanning the crowd no one looks to angry with you. Once everyone leaves, you notice one person in the crowd waiting to talk to you. Nina.

Thankfully she isn’t mad, just a little annoyed you did not tell her earlier. She thought you were pretty bad ass. Thankfully she also agreed to get your stuff from your house, well old house. That way you can sleep in your clothes and not in Tony’s old hoodie.

Back at the hotel everyone had a roommate, realizing you didn’t have a home to go back to tonight you made sure they got enough for you. Seeing everyone pair off, Steve and Sam, Tony and Bruce, Thor and Vision, Wanda and Nat, and that only left you and Bucky. At first you weren’t sure if this is a good idea but the two of you do need some time alone.

You expect it to be awkward at first, like you would have to start from the beginning. To your surprise it is natural, yeah it isn’t exactly like you left it which is understandable. But there is no awkward tension, not knowing how to act, you two are comfortable with one another. Talking and catching up, not getting into too much with Matt, trying not to upset him. Your conversation got deep though, just like it had before, knowing what is going on in each other’s heads.

That night, as you lie in bed you feel relieved. You don’t have to put on this act of being happy. You can truly be happy now. You two stay on opposite sides of the bed, you did just break off an engagement after all. However, you could still feel his presence and that is all you need.

In the morning, you wake up still on your side of the bed. However there is a Bucky spooning you from behind, arm draped over your side. Looks like someone missed you more than you thought, not being able to keep away for a single night. You could stay like this forever if it were up to you.

This moment is brought to a screeching halt as someone knocks on your door. You quickly jump out of bed to answer the door. You slowly open the door, expecting Steve or someone from the team.

You are wrong, your friend Nina pushes her way in carrying what you think is breakfast from the smell of it. “I am not letting you go without having one last meal with me.” She states making her way into her room. Instantly pausing realizing that you are not alone. “Oh, would you like to explain?” She turns to you, a bit embarrassed but needing to know more.

You just give her a big grin making sure she isn’t mad, she wouldn’t be angry at the situation, just the fact you didn’t mention any of this to her. “It’s not what you think!”

“Oh girl, then talk.” Without hesitation she continues to the small table in the room, taking out the food and taking a seat. Poor Bucky is still half asleep in bed. You just shake your head as you join her, grabbing your take out box and sitting at the end of the bed.

Bucky sighs and walks out of the room, most likely to Sam and Steve’s. Nina mouthes the word ‘wow’ after Bucky leaves the room, who of course was shirtless when she first came in.

“Okay, I completely understand now. Damn girl, he is such an amazing step up from Matt.” You smack her arm playfully, “Does he have any single friends? Oh! How about Captain America? Is he seeing anyone?”

“He isn’t, but you are on your own there. That man is a mystery when it comes to dating.” You know she is going to try still. Nothing you could do would stop her.

The two of you eat breakfast as you fill her in on the rest of the details, now having to explain the insanely hot and rugged man in your bed.

As you guys talk, you know you are going to miss her the most. You had never had a friendship so effortlessly, not even with Nat and Wanda, you guys were best friends from the start.

The sun was starting to set again. You had an eventful last day, Sam and Tony took some kids flying, you organized sports games where kids could partner with their favorites, group activities, photo opportunities and a big picnic at the end.

Once everything is clean, you get ready to go. You were the last one off the jet yesterday and today you are the last one on. Bucky is waiting for you by the ramp as you say goodbye to Nina one last time.

“You can visit whenever you want!” You insist,

“I’ll take you up on that, please don’t forget about me! I expect constant texts and updates with Mr. Muscles over there” She gestures to Bucky. You force out a laugh, she knows something is bothering you and exactly what it is, “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he is okay. I’ll talk with him, he is just hurt right now. He will get over this and everything. I promise.”

Nina pulls you into a hug, “Thank you, I love you.” you whisper into here ear.

“Come on, we are loosing daylight here!” Tony screams from the jet.

Pushing her away, you smile and run to Bucky. Taking his hand as you walk into the jet. The two of you sit together, you instantly rest your head on his shoulder. Thinking that this is right. This is how it should be. You might actually deserve to have this happiness back.

Permanent tag list: @saturn-aka-six @spiderlingsweb

#Bucky #Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fic #bucky barnes one shot

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citruspeel · 6 years

Text

to gold be the gory

How Golden Kamuy Outshines Competition

A Review

“GORUDEEEEEEN KAMUUUUUUY!”

That’s how I first heard of Golden Kamuy – a male voice screaming its title in around 2-minute intervals. I was busy slurping ramen in the communal eating tent in Odori Park when it blared in my ear. All through the day, they played its trailer on the tent TVs over and over again. It seemed interesting, and it was quite apt to see it being promoted there - after all, we were surrounded by snow, in Hokkaido, where the story was set. I kept seeing it in bookstores and its artwas eye-catching. But as soon as I was back on home soil, my interest was gone.

Life caught right back up with me, so I forgot about Golden Kamuy completely. Not until I saw some artists I follow post amazing fan art of it on Twitter. They were all singing it praises and the official art was beautiful, so I thought, ‘aw heck, why not?’

Let me tell you: there are no reasons not to.

SUGIMOTO, THIS ISN’T SHOUNEN ANYMORE

I’m what you call a…sporadic manga reader. I’m not up to speed with manga trends and it can take me a while to catch up. I read stuff that get my attention and when they’re recommended by my friends (I still haven’t touched Boku no Hero Academia or Shokugeki no Soma, though). I also don’t limit myself to just one genre. There are months that I devour shoujo/josei manga, like Hana Nochi Hare and Dame na Watashi ni Koi wo Kudasai. Then I’d switch over to read through volumes upon volumes of shounen manga (hi, Gintama, Haikyuu). Then there are periods wherein I just don’t read at all, devoting my time to other activities instead.

Golden Kamuy, brainchild of artist Noda Satoru, is probably my first real foray into the seinen manga territory. The art, the storyline, the comedy, the stakes – every page told me that I wasn’t reading shounen anymore. Dick jokes weren’t dealt with caution. Gore was done with no shame. Raw Japanese scans didn’t have the hiragana reading aids. Strangely enough, it brought me back to all the titles I used to read when I was young. It made me realize all the stuff I was reading back then were very edgelord-esque and middle-school-syndrome-ish - the stuff of nightmares. Body horror, violence, gore, debauchery – CLAMP and Kaori Yuuki had primed my teenage self for all of them.

But at least, now, the edginess was dealt with a more mature hand.

Hence it was no surprise that Kamuy ignited a sense of familiarity. I had mellowed down when I grew up (it saddens me that I really am quite a grown-up now) and, in turn, settled for fun, cheerful, romantic manga (to keep the dreariness of everyday life away, I guess haha). I got used to leisurely pacing and lighthearted comedy. Reading Golden Kamuy felt like I skydived into the unforgiving arena I had left – an arena that had been made fresher, better.

SO FRESH, YOU’RE EATING IT RAW

What makes Kamuy an instant hit is its interesting combination of rarely-used elements. Post-War, Meiji-Era historical, early 1900s, hunting, Hokkaido, Ainu culture: can you really find another title that uses said mix? It’s no wonder people are attracted to the series.

It also helps that the art is just spectacular. Noda’s artistic skill shines through every page, chapter, and volume cover. His poses are dynamic, his coloring brave. Sometimes the color combinations he uses just scream modern, serving as nice contrasts to the story’s historical, traditional setting. His character designs are unique and fresh – more so their personalities. Sugimoto’s facial scars are refreshing to the eye; Tsurumi’s half-corrupted face paired with a metal plate is a design I’ve never seen before. His art style brings out his designs to life in a way only he can – we’ve all seen cross-dressing men and shaved-bald convicts before, but still he was able to make Ienaga and Shiraishi look striking.

The research that he has done to make the story believable is commendable. He even has his own Ainu and Russian language consultants. Each detail he adds in shows that every page is a product of hard work. He even features real buildings in Hokkaido and Otaru (I’ve also been to Otaru and it was nice to see it in the manga!). The information we learn from Noda’s usage of the Ainu culture, hunting practices, and military details – all of this, weaved in with an intricate, explosive plot, give us a series that feels…whole. Complete.

Kamuy also spreads word about the Ainu culture in a fun and entertaining way. I haven’t heard a lot about them in the series I’ve encountered – I’ve only heard of them through Rurouni Kenshin. Nothing since then. To see them in the spotlight is a breath of fresh air. Even the Ainu themselves feel the same way – apparently they told Noda that they didn’t want to be portrayed as discriminated anymore. They wanted strong Ainu characters, and boy, did Noda deliver.

NO-PARDON PLOTTING

Because of its seinen status, you can tell that Noda has no qualms about plotting and story structure. We’re given heavy-hitting story elements right off the bat: war vet undertakes a legendary treasure hunt to help the (stolen-by-his-friend) love of his life, requiring him to track down 24 of the most dangerous insane criminals to have ever walked Japan. It’s throwing punches right from the get-go. Kamuy doesn’t baby anyone (except for bear cubs). With its pacing, convoluted plot and bevy of interesting characters, it challenges the reader to not just enjoy, but to keep up. It’s unapologetic in everything that it does – character, story, and art.

CHARACTERS

Immortal War Vet, Morality Pet Minority Action Girl, Escape Sweet-tooth King, and so forth. They somehow fulfill stereotypes but at the same time, Noda manages to twist things to a whole new light. His milieu, too, aids in solidifying the characters he writes – the setting itself makes them unforgettable.

It is also in his cast that we see how unapologetic Noda is. Considering that Sugimoto is to track 24 of the most dangerous criminals in the country, Noda doesn’t shy away from showcasing every kind of evil that can exist within humans. We tackle lust, greed, wrath, and avarice with a dash more reality compared to the caricatures we often see in shounen manga. Those faint of heart and innocent countenance will have a hard time stomaching Noda’s cast as it unfolds. The more I read, the more I believe Noda probably has a subscription to the Crime Investigation channel (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing). Truth be told, humans are very much capable of evil, and I’m not surprised that some of his villains are actually modeled after real-life criminals.

Notable characters:

IENAGA - a cross between Erszebet Bathory (a countess who was known to kill virgins and bathed in their blood to remain beautiful) and of H.H. Holmes, a real-life owner of an actual murder hotel in the US during the 19th century. Ienaga’s first dungeon appearance made me flashback to some of mangaka Kaori Yuki’s ornate gorefests such as Count Cain, Angel Sanctuary, and Ludwig Revolution. Noda felt no shame when he drew each and every one of Ienaga’s murderscapes.

HENMI KAZUO – this one really made me blink when I was reading it. Serial killer Henmi Kazuo is an exploration of the depths of human depravity. Imagine, being stimulated by gore and the act of clinging to life the same way his brother did when a bear ate him. Damn, writing that sentence made me realize Noda just straight up doesn’t baby his audience. This is the stuff Netflix series Mindhunter would kill to have. This also would really need some real guts (pardon the pun) to execute.

SHITON – he also made me stop in my tracks. Shiton, a full-on bestiality-practicing scientist, was something I’ve never read about in any other manga at all. I’ve read about murderers and criminals and incestuous personalities (Kaori Yuki and George RR Martin weren’t shy about it at all), but this character was just sick. He’s a special type of crazy (although to be perfectly honest I am sure that somewhere in the world some sick human is partaking in stuff like this), and for Noda to actually use him in his manga just takes courage. He just has the balls to make you think twice, but hey, when you’re in seinen territory, everything seems to be a free-for-all. And let’s be real frank here – there’s just another level of human debauchery in real life that most people won’t even be able to stomach hearing about.

TSURUMI – Tsurumi is the stuff of legend. He reminds me the most of Col. Hans Landa in Quentin Tarantino’s Inglorious Basterds, but with his insanity turned up into eleven. He also has shades of Leonardo’s character in Django Unchained, as well as other manic-type ‘villains’ that we’ve seen in other series. But his impulsiveness and flamboyant nature places him a cut above the rest. Noda also draws him so dynamically (seriously!) that whenever he appears, your eyes are just drawn to him.

Plus, I have to say that I’m really impressed with the level of real-world research that Noda uses in developing his characters. Tsurumi says that he has lost a part of his frontal lobe, which in turn affects his temper and his violent tendencies. This is actually true in real life, and has been seen in a high-profile murder case involving a famous football player in the United States. Because of the repetitive head injuries that the player received playing the sport, his own personality/temper had changed, and resulted him in killing his girlfriend in cold blood.

Of course we have the holy trinity of Sugimoto (classic lovable romantic badass war vet protagonist), Asirpa (butt-kicking girl-child) and Shiraishi (adorable slinky/comic relief), all gems in their own right. Noda has endeared them to us with the heartwarming dynamic between Sugimoto + Asirpa, plus Shiraishi’s antics. Character-wise, they seem to follow a specific trio formula that works in almost anything. Harry-Hermione-Ron, Gintoki-Kagura-Shinpachi, Naruto-Sakura-Sasuke. While his main character trio wins people over, his supporting cast can also shine bright on their own. Some great examples that come to mind are Ogata, Tanigaki, and Monkey-Scream Guy Otonoshin (even Tsukishima is memorable! He even has the Voldemort nose, doesn't he?).

Noda’s principle of mixing reality with caricature is also evident in his character designs. With every cast member we meet, it’s clear that Noda is far from being a sufferer of the six-faces-only syndrome. His designs do sometimes border on the impossible (Monkey-Scream guy’s eyebrows, really?), but it’s not a bad thing. If anything, it makes the visual experience of reading the comic even more worthwhile.

THE ART

Noda is a great manga artist. Let’s start with that.

Just look at these covers!

This coloring + color schemes!

This character design!!

I’ve been raving about his character designs for a few paragraphs now but it’s just really that good. I love his eye for composition and his impeccable framing for action and comedy. I’ve always thought that framing comics need special planning – especially action + comedy ones. You have to ensure that the first thing the reader sees in the next panel will make the action/joke understandable and clear. It takes great skill to decide what the reader sees and doesn’t see. Through Golden Kamuy’s 158 chapters, he makes use of this skill to make us laugh whenever Asirpa’s badgering them to make citatap, or when there’s a new animal part to eat, or when Tanigaki’s out showing nudes of himself to people. If the pages weren’t framed well, the jokes would’ve fallen flat. Let’s also not forget his adeptness in drawing facial expressions. This manga just does faces so well.

(Just look at Asirpa! collage c/o the Golden Kamuy reddit)

His fight scenes are also top-notch. You just know that Noda, as a mangaka, isn’t knocking about. The flow of action in every page is just downright superb. It also shows his mastery of human anatomy – and his courage when it comes to gore. His use of crisp blacks and whites, solid lineart, thick, expressive color give us pages that are fresh and clean...I’d be a fool to dismiss his technique, because his (and his studio’s, I guess?) skill just shines through every page.

He’s also not shy when it comes to details – which is admirable. After all, it takes some great dedication for someone to give his main character distinct facial scars that will require repeated drawings in almost every single page (and give his heroine a detailed headband). It makes me wonder just how he does it with a weekly schedule. His color pages look like they were done digitally, but I still have doubts whether or not he does his chapters by hand.

THE HEART

It took me just a few days to wolf down Kamuy. It was a romp right from the start – nail-biting, stomach-clutching, hair-raising. A truly entertaining piece, if you will. But if there’s one thing I’ve noticed with Kamuy, it’s that it somehow lacks heart.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s great! I love it. It’s superbly crafted, beautifully drawn, amazingly detailed. It’s one of the rare titles that I’m actually thinking of collecting. But it’s also a title that seems to drip technique. Like the author made it for the sake of drawing an intense, gripping title, but somehow solely for that purpose. It’s a career-conscious showcase of ability, a manufactured adventure in the truest sense. I couldn’t see the earnestness I found in Sorachi Hideaki’s Gintama, or the relatability of Nakahara Aya’s Dame na Watashi wo Koishite Kudasai. Full Metal Alchemist showed Arakawa Hiromu’s passion for muscled men, her interest in alchemy, and views on family, while Haruichi Furudate’s love for volleyball, sportsmanship and camaraderie is undeniable in Haikyuu!!. While I do like the backstory that Sugimoto is somehow based on his real-life war-vet grandfather, I find it a bit sad that it seems to lack that personal touch I’ve always liked seeing in other manga.

But it doesn’t mean that it’s not great. I will still recommend it to everyone I know. Awesome story, great art, refreshing comedy. By all means, read it! (Not sure about the anime, but I keep hearing reviews that we’re better off with the manga). Golden Kamuy is a title of both style and substance – whether it’s about the gore or the gold, I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.

Then let me know if you agree with my upcoming post, an analysis of Sugimoto and Asirpa.

Photos c/o reddit + our lovely scanlators + Satoru Noda

#Golden Kamuy #Sugimoto Saichi #Sugimoto the Immortal #Asirpa #Noda Satoru #Manga #Review

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vesperthine · 7 years

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will it wash out in the water (or is it always in the blood)

one day i’ll write fluff. this is not that day. lots of love to @junkshop-disco for being a beta and providing helpful thoughts ♡

Even asks him, and everything sort of stops.

Tapping the joint on the cold stone, Isak scrunches one eye up. “Haven’t really thought about it,” he says. “What about it?”

They’re huddled together out on the balcony. Watching, on an impulse of the best kind, a rainstorm and sharing a beer, a smoke ( – weed for him; tobacco for Even – ) and a blanket between them. Thunder rolls in the distance; the rain patters like gun fire against the roof and the tarmac below.

Even’s eyebrows go up, watching with that careful intensity that Isak won’t ever get used to ( – will forever want to bask in, like a cat on a window sill – ). “Nothing, just thinking it’d be nice, later,” he says, a playful smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “To have a little thing running around.”

His long fingers run in the air, then up Isak’s arm to his shoulder. Squinting, Isak takes a drag of the joint, sweet smoke billowing out in the drizzle. There’s a slight pressure behind his lungs: one that stays even as the air leaves them.

“But not before you’ve gotten a job, though. Tips won’t cover those expenses.”

“Yeah,” Isak says, slowly, scratching his ear. “But – kids don’t like me, just so you know.”

The words seem distant, spoken from a mouth ( – with jagged teeth and a void for a throat – ) that’s not his own. Another swig of beer. It’s lukewarm by now, but it does the job of washing out the taste of the joint. The pressure stays.

Even’s face goes sort of blank ( – and there’s a tug in his stomach, like tipping over a precipice, going into free fall – ) before he smiles an eye-crinkling smile and tucks Isak’s head in under his chin. “Ours would,” he says, as he shakes his shoulder. “It’s impossible not to.”

“Maybe,” Isak smiles back ( – tries to smooth this over, what the fuck is this – ) at him. “Let’s start with a dog, though. Less of a mess.”

Even’s leans back to get a better look at Isak’s face. “A dog?”

“I’ve had a dog,” Isak says with confidence, and swipes his nose when Even still looks doubtful. “I’ll know what I’m doing!”

Even laughs then, loud and joyous ( – and some air flows in, loosens the tension – ) “I thought you got Lea from your aunt?”

“We did? She couldn’t keep her because of work, so we got her as a two-year-old. What about it?”

“I know you took care of her. All I’m saying is that you’ve never dealt with a full-on puppy. And, from what I’ve heard, they’re messier than a kid. Pees in the bed, chews up your shoes – ”

“Fine, fine!” Isak says, shoving him playfully, laughing to keep up the lightheartedness ( – avoiding the edge he can’t figure out where it is, fumbling in the dark with hands outstretched, hoping he doesn’t get cut – ). “Doesn’t need to be a puppy. You can get older rescues, which, by the way, is better for the karma account.”

“It is.”

Even smiles, but somehow, it only leaves Isak wishing he had more beer.

Suddenly, the sky is lit up by lightning. The sound rattles the windows, making Even startle beside him and then laugh at his own ridiculousness. His eyes go thin with joy as he pulls Isak into his warm, solid side and they share a chaste kiss tasting of nothing but beer and crackling static; Even’s hand gripping his hair so tight his scalp prickles.

And Isak wants to give him everything; his whole damn being if he could.

A lot of what they have is a defying of expectations. They fell in love too quickly, moved out too early, matured too fast. Despite all of that, everything somehow works out fine. They talk more than most couples their age; they’re too keenly aware of each other's weaknesses to let it be and there’s no disillusionment, because that curtain was ripped open in that first week, showing it all ( – the heaviness, the ugliness in them both, always on display, like a war memorial – ) and it never closed again.

It is a normal question: an expected one. He doesn’t need to think about here and now; not with Even’s arm around his back and his fingers skirting his waistband; not here, with the rain against the roof and the air filled with oxygen and the distant rumbles of Oslo behind their building.

So, inevitably, he does.

Visiting the old house is exhausting.

He’s tired before he even gets off the tram. There’s just something about stepping into this house and noticing that it has a different scent now ( – hits that he’s actually been away so long that the inherent smell of this house isn’t categorized as home anymore – ) that brings back thoughts he doesn’t like to think about, but does anyway.

Like how the whole situation is a tragedy; one reinforced by Mother’s Day adverts, the complete dependency on public transport and the knowledge that he truly has replaced them with Even, kollektivet, and a bunch of other clueless teens. That he took the choice and left, knowing she needed him, but that he couldn’t do anything about it. Like how his father was and continues to be even more worthless in that aspect; entertaining for even a second that a sixteen-year-old could do a better job than a grown man.

The visits help with the guilt and the anger. Somewhat. Makes it a little easier to deal with; relieves some of the pressure. He makes himself go once a month, just to check in. For her sake, Even’s – and a bit for his own.

Marianne has been taking her medication, and is in a good mood. His dad’s text is from two days ago, but it’s confirmed when he steps inside; the house smelling clean and no mail littering the welcome mat. It makes it a bit easier ( – less heartstopping, less flashback triggering, less terrifying – ) to enter. When she sees him, she hugs him and her eyes are clear and focused as she watches him with reverence; holds his face in her hands for a moment too long before letting go.

There’s still pictures of him left on the walls in the hallway, and he avoids looking at them; his own smiling face, her, his father and even Lea’s black, blurry presence in the background of some. All to avoid them reminding him of a time before it all went to shit ( – but it was always a bit shit, wasn’t it, just hidden underneath a veil of make-pretend and he hasn’t truly forgiven either of them has he? – ) as he toes off his shoes and puts them on the shoe rack.

He knows it’s not her fault, and that she does love him. Always has, and always will, because he is her son. And she’s his mother. So, it should be mutual, shouldn’t it?

But, it’s not that easy. It’s a lie to say it was never that bad. After many a night of hushed conversations, Isak now knows that what he went through is a sort of trauma in and of itself; something he’ll carry with him for the rest of his life.

He might’ve survived, but that’s not bravery: leaving someone behind to save yourself, that is. Someone like Even is strong ( – to come back to the same place, the same body, and bear it after something like that – ) and Isak isn’t. That’s just fact. Not even now, when Isak knows where he belongs. He can grow where the odds are against him, through malnourishment, wear and tear, but it’s just not the same.

There’s a big difference between resilience and strength, after all.

She’s made tea, and her hands are shaking slightly as she pours it into his mug and then her own. “Where’s – how’s Even doing?” she asks, eyes skittering around, not staying put.

Taking a bite of the sandwiches she’s also cut up, Isak shrugs. “He’s – he’s good. Says hi.”

She seems to steel herself for a moment, gaze flitting out through the blinds and onto the street outside. Following her gaze, there’s a couple of young girls biking up the little hill; giving each other rides on the luggage carriers.

“You should bring him sometime. I’d love to meet him.”

Swallowing, Isak nods. It’s the first time she’s asked, and his first instinct is to lie. Tell her that Even’s really busy with school and work, and that he’s not at home at this instant, pacing or distracting himself so that he can drop everything and hold Isak for a while when he gets home ( – absolutely emotionally drained from upholding this mask shielding his crushing guilt and the horrible fact that while he doesn’t hate his parents, he sure doesn’t love them anymore, either – )

He couldn’t uphold it with Even here; that’s just something he knows. So, he settles for the middle ground.

“I’ll ask him.”

She smiles at him, small but still there, and nods. “Please do. He seems like a nice boy.”

Even asked him, before, if he wanted kids, and everything in Isak just screamed please no.

When the question had come out of Even’s mouth, a too easily awoken thing inside of him had raised its head, thrashing and snarling and he doesn’t ( – does, though, it’s just that he simply can’t say or even articulate it in his mind, too abstract but oh so potent – ) know why. They are a success story, in so many ways; a paragon of overcoming the things people refuse to deal with or talk about. Having kids would be ideal, within a relationship like theirs, would prove a lot of people wrong, but –

Isak doesn’t even want to try.

They’re in bed; him curled around Even’s body, trying to trick his own anxious mind into sleep for the fourth time this week, when it slips out. It has sat in in his throat like a glass shard ever since the visit home; jagged and hopeless and causing as much damage coming up as going down.

“Even?”

A grunt; an onomatopoeia for please, try to go to sleep Isak.

“I don’t think I want kids.”

Even’s breathing stops for a moment and Isak wants nothing else but to go back ( – sink back into that previous reality, let the escapism wash over him – ). It never gets easier; being stuck in the liminal space of ignorance and knowing the outcome.

Under his hand, Even’s ribcage expands, and then collapses again. “Oh?”

Isak closes his eyes, brushes his nose against the topmost knob of his spine. “Yeah.”

“You know you don’t have to think about that now, though? I was just curious, before.”

“I know. But, it’s true, and I don’t think it’s going to change.”

Even turns his head to catch his eye. “Can I ask why?” he asks after a moment, voice rasping and low with sleep, and the free fall feeling in Isak’s chest comes back with a punch. It’s not just a simple question. It holds so much more weight than Even probably even realises.

It’s not even jealousy. It’s something entirely different. Isak’s keenly aware that Even’s parents are very human; has seen it up close in the form of frustrated phone calls, in texts from a worried father, unwanted reminders for the blood tests and in the edges in Even’s voice at dinners when his mother oversteps yet again.

Still, they didn’t give up. They learned and adapted as their son spiralled in front of their eyes to the point where they almost ( – in the bathroom, Isak, not that he is likely to go for it again, but don’t let him lock the door, darling, I really don’t want you to find him like that, it changes you as a person – ) lost him. They answer on the third ring in the middle of the night, pay more than half of their rent, and even though there is some roughness, there’s no doubt that Even’s parents make him their first priority, and they always will.

Thinking about the photos still up in his mother’s hallway, about how much of her and his father is still and forever somewhere inside him, breathing gets a little harder to do. Isak shifts, puts his cheek on Even’s shoulder, breathes him in; all freshly washed cotton, boy sweat and just that smell of home and safety.

“I just don’t want to ruin this,” he whispers, closing his eyes again.

Even makes an incredulous noise, turning onto his back to look at him. “What?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbles straight into the worn fabric of Even’s shirt, not fast enough to swallow it down. “It just would.”

“Hey. Isak?”

Even’s voice is serious, and when he strokes his shoulder, soothing, Isak swallows again.

“I don’t want them to grow up like I did,” he whispers.

The arm around his shoulder locks up. “What are you trying to say?” Even asks, a beat too late and Isak bites his lip, knowing he fucked up. Even is stiff like a board, a held back edge in his voice ( – they match now, jagged words in both their mouths – ). “Just because your parents couldn’t handle it, means we’re doomed too?”

“No – ”

“Then what, Isak?”

Whatever this is, bubbling and itching under his skin, it’s contagious, spreading like blood in water. “I just – I guess I think it’s selfish,” he deflects.

Even goes quiet. “It’s selfish to adopt a child no one wants?”

Sighing, Isak drags himself from his stiff embrace and sits up against the wall. Clicks on the bedside lamp. His right foot sticks out from under the blanket, and he wiggles his toes; watching the shadows they make on the floor in the light. “No. But, I think it’s – I mean, you’ve put more thought into getting a dog. You’re basically getting a human being to groom for your own enjoyment. Because of something you want. Not for them.”

“Is that what you think?” Even asks, and this harsh disbelief is not playful, not even close. Isak bites the inside of his lip; taking comfort in the taste of his own blood. It��s better to fight about this than the real thing. “Adoption isn’t like that – it’s a hassle. People do it because they truly want a child, you know?”

“But that doesn't change why you want it in the first place,” Isak says, quiet. Because this feels like an actual fight, and being calm when it’s important is the little thing that separates functioning from disaster. “My parents didn’t have me because they wanted me. They wanted something to care for apart from themselves, and when it all fell apart, I was just – expected to want to take care of everything, too.”

The glass shard slips down a few notches and the pressure behind his lungs suddenly bursts and blooms out, tender like a bruise. Like a project, a child can be a last ditch attempt to save something already unsalvageable ( – and if you focus your energy right, then your marriage can get another sixteen years added to its lifespan, even though it’s having death spasms from the day you’re born and causing your mother’s first psychosis – )

Both of them might love him, but sometimes you’re just too selfish to love someone back after they hurt you badly enough.

“You don’t think you’re projecting a bit now?” Even ask after a long while, sounding hollow. “That’s your experience; doesn’t mean it’s universal. Magnus’ mother manages just fine. She loves him and his sister so much, and – they function, Isak.”

Instantly, Isak hates himself. He closes his eyes. “This isn’t about you, okay?”

“What is it about, then?” Even’s voice is so soft, it’s almost inaudible. “Because I don’t like what you’re implying now. Not one bit.”

He is right there, radiating warmth, but his eyes are haunted. Isak wiggles his toes some more, air rushing between them. Getting what he truly feels off his tongue is still a struggle, and sometimes Even does him a disservice with letting his lies and deflections slide until they all crack open in his throat and spill out in ugly, chopped up truths.

“It’s just – I don’t want to be responsible for hurting anyone, okay?”

“You’re not really doing a good job of that right now, just so you know.”

Looking up from his foot, Isak snaps his head back towards him. Even is twisting his mouth, the harshness all gone; his eyes trained on the duvet and his large hands

“It’s not –” Isak tries, reaching out a hand towards him. “I’m – I choose to, Even. It’s not because of some sort of obligation. Family makes it – it’s just, children shouldn’t have to stay, for any reason, because that makes them resent their parents like you wouldn’t believe and – and then, if they do leave, for their own sake, they can’t stop hating themselves for letting them down and – ”

He stops. Swallows. It stings behind his eyes now, and there’s nowhere to hide apart from behind his own hands. So he rubs his eyes, just to be able to breathe.

“If we do it right, they wouldn’t want to leave,” Even says, still as quiet as before. “You make it sound as if this will blow up, no matter what we do. That’s not true. We can have exactly the life we want.”

“But I don’t want to,” Isak finally makes out, swallowing back the growing lump ( – truth, the inevitable truth, call it what it is – ) in his throat. “It’s just – I can’t. I can’t be responsible for more – ”

“More? You mean me. You’re not responsible for – ”

“But I am,” Isak says, breathing harsh and too loud in this room ( – the glass shatters in his throat, cuts up his gums and crunches between his teeth – ). “And you’re just as responsible for my well-being, Even, and I – choose to be here with you, I want to be with you, and no one else, and I don’t want to bring someone in here that didn’t choose to be here! I just – why can’t this be enough? Why can’t I be enough, for once?”

He doesn’t plan on the next breath going in through his nose to turn into a sob. It’s so unexpected, four nights of no sleep catching him completely off-guard, that he freezes for a moment, then harshly wipes the tears away before they can fall. “Fuck’s sake.”

Even doesn’t say anything; just looks at him for a long while. Where his jaw was set in that subtly defiant way of his, it goes softer the longer the silence stretches out; Isak’s laboured breath the only sound left. Then, he seems to see something in Isak’s eyes, and in an instant, his beautiful face crumples; eyes glistening a bit in the light from the bedside lamp.

“C’mere.”

Crawling on his hands and knees, Isak tumbles sideways ( – grey, free fall feeling coming to an end as he catches him – ) into Even’s open arms.

“You’re my baby, okay?” Even breathes into his ear, clutching him close and rocking him back and forth. “Of course you’re enough. Fuck, Isak, I’m sorry.”

Isak holds back just as tight; his nails digging into the Even’s back. “I just – I don’t want to,” he mumbles into his neck, throat clamped around that small, leftover kernel of truth ( – wanting to pour every cell of his being into him, knowing he will be there for him in return, and that never changing because there’s nothing but choice anchoring them to each other, making it so much more, because what could be more than this, this state of being, this chosen commitment to togetherness – ). “You’d be a great dad, but I don’t want to.”

“It’s okay.” Even puts his lips to his forehead. “You don’t have to. That’s okay. ”

Into the white cotton of Even’s t-shirt, Isak mumbles, “Is it, though?”

“I would never force you to do something like that.”

Swallowing, and so glad he doesn’t need to look at his face, Isak says, “But won't you feel like you're missing out?”

A hand goes into his hair. “A bit, perhaps?” Even’s voice is all contemplation and honesty.

Isak nods. “Okay.”

Kissing his neck, Even shakes his head. “No, listen. Sure, it’s something I’d like to do, but I wanted to do it with you. But it’s not the most important thing in the world. And our friends will probably have kids. I mean, Yousef said he and Sana might be aiming for twelve so, you know. They’ll probably need a tiny bit of help.”

Isak tries and fails to suppress a smile against his neck at the casual tone, and Even ruffles his hair.

“It’s really okay. You still up for a dog, though?”

Touching his nose to Even’s, Isak remembers a time when Lea was still alive and his mother had a particularly bad episode; thinking he was the bringer of the rapture. He’d been fifteen, his dad away on a business trip for the week, and when she’d finally stopped screaming and gone to bed, Lea had pushed open his bedroom door, and then slept beside him all night; a wall of black fur and slow breathing between him and his mother’s hallucinations.

“Yeah,” he whispers into Even’s mouth. “I can share you with a dog.”

Even breathes back. “Good,” he says.

“I want a rescue, though.”

“For that karma account?” Even jokes, and Isak nods.

“It’s always good to be in the positive there.”

At that, Even tilts his head back and Isak loves him. He gives a lot more than he takes and at times, Isak can’t help but wonder if he is taking care of him at the expense of his own wishes. But, if it’s something he’s learned from this whole thing they’ve got, is that he can’t know and shouldn’t speculate until Even tells him with his own words.

Which he will.

So, taking the invitation, Isak kisses him, chaste and quick with a hand in Even’s hair; his apology transferring with the touch. His heart's still racing and there’s another collection of words waiting in his chest, but ( – the edges are smooth and he can hold on to them, tightly, now – ) it feels alright.

Nothing they can’t handle, when it comes.

“It is.”

#skam #*fic #isak/even #even bech næsheim #isak valtersen #wc: ~3.5k #this got heavier than intended #but ends on a good note!#will crosspost to ao3 #in a minute

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blacknerdproblems · 7 years

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We love our fandoms. For those on the outside looking in, it may be their impulse to discount our devotion as superficial or childish. That’s because they don’t understand or see how nerdom has effected us. At BNP, we know that comics and movies and anime and cosplay does so much more than entertain us, it shapes us; we learn what kind of people we want to be—and who exactly we are fighting against becoming. We sent out that bat signal, we sent out notice for an open call for submissions on what nerd lessons you learned and y’all answered the call.

The Author of This Piece and Teacher for This Nerd Lesson : Fadhili Samba, @FadhiliTheOne

January 5th 2017. Walking through the bookstore with a friend before (finally) watching Moana, my footsteps take me once again to the manga section, first bookshelf, bottom left. There it is: the entire Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon series in all its glory. My fingers instantly grab book twelve and I flip through the pages directly to the last picture.

‘’Are you going to buy it?’’ my friend asks. In an instant my head flashes 365 days in the past.

FLASHBACK

I was 18 years old and in my first year of post-secondary education when I first got into cosplaying. Looking back at my high school days, I can say that although my high school was quite diverse, the special arts program it offered (and that I was part of) was composed primarily of Caucasian students. And my community college program was divided into two distinct groups of students: middle-aged immigrant mothers who came to Canada to get a better life or young Caucasians from deep suburban areas who think it’s okay to ask a Black person if “they speak ghetto at home.” In other words: not the ideal situation to discover oneself, especially when you’re a Black young woman. But that was almost four years ago.

2016 eventually came around. I was twenty turning twenty-one. I was now a University student. I now had access to all these different clubs and events that catered directly to my need for self-discovery. For the first time I was allowed to explore every facet of myself without restrictions. I used that opportunity to explore my Blackness in all the possible ways it could manifest itself. I performed my first spoken words at a campus event, got familiar with using traditional fabrics to make clothes, and started reading and following important Black figures of entertainment, media, and politics. But I still didn’t have a way to tackle my inner nerd.

That same year, I borrowed a book at my local library entitled Transformers Exodus by Alex Irvine. The book explains how the war between the Autobots and the Decepticons started. I was reading the speech that Orion Pax gives to the high council – the speech that would turn him into Optimus Prime – and something he said clicked instantly in my mind: “If castes and Guilds fight change, they fight our own nature – and the nature of Cybertron itself. The absence of change is not stability. It is entropy. Only dead things stay the same.”

ENTROPY. THE STATE BETWEEN ORDER AND DISORDER.

That’s what I had become: I was slowly but gradually making my way into a mental chaos caused by a lack of access to proper representation. I wanted to be seen outside the stereotypes so badly that I was going insane. But hopefully for me, things were changing. I could see the shift happening in front of me and within me. Somehow, I landed on a Twitter trend that changed everything: #28daysofblackcosplay. 28 days that, along with Orion Pax’s speech, changed my perception of the nerd community and of myself.

From My first cosplaying efforts: (Haruhi Suzumiya from The Melancholy Oh Haruhi Suzumiya, [Photo Credit: Droo Photography]

Read on here. [x]

#cosplay #sailor moon #blacknerdproblems #black nerd problems #nerd lessons #bnp lessons #open call for essays #open call for submissions #haruhi suzumiya

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ckyking · 7 years

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oracle!au - part ii

it’s time for more oracle!au :D! as always, thanks to @jasperraven for enabling me and whose blog you should visit if you want to read fics written in this au~ also, @goddamnminyard for inspiring the part about mechanic!aulea!

okay, when we left off, tiny oracle had just been released into the world with overprotective papa cor as a guardian

but we are first going through flashbacks because man did sylva, regis and aulea have an interesting life before being tragically cut down okay im shutting up

sylva totally had her own road-trip with a side of fighting in the resistance, alright? her and her girl gang of course. they were going to accordo to strengthen their alliance in the midst of the war against niflheim

her best friend, aulea, whom she met in high school but really got to know when the regalia broke down during her first test drive at sixteen and she was the one to repair it. after all, she’s a mechanic’s only daughter and fell just as hard as her mother for everything cars. tbh, she first fell in love with the regalia and only decided afterwards that sylva was “okay, i guess”. she ended up asking to be trained with sylva’s shield because there was no way she was letting sylva go without her on the frontlines! in battle, she is deadly with a rapier, cutting down anyone in her path.

amy and sylva gave her so much shit when they found out what type of weapons she favoured. they were sure she was going down the same “big fucking sword” road as amy. she got back at them through magical “mishaps” when she was “learning” how to wield sylva’s magic.

the regalia was totally aulea’s wedding present from sylva. all of them knew that it was more aulea’s car than sylva’s at this point~ she was ecstatic as you can believe. the heart attacks she gave regis when she took baby noctis out on drives though! she did not manage to pass on her love of cars to him, but speed? noct is all about it!

then, there is sylva’s shield, amaryllis “amy” amicitia, clarus’ twin sister. both clarus and her were trained as potential shields because it’s tradition that the eldest amicitia become the king/queen’s shield. except it was not possible to make the choice based solely on age in this case. it was decided that the next shield would be the one with the greatest compatibility with sylva, both magic and personality wise, while the other would become a high ranking military official and advisor to sylva. she is a fucking giant, okay? which was useful when she had to pick up one of the other girls to stop them from doing something ridiculous. really, her and gentiana were the most even-tempered of the group. though her and her greatsword are truly and intimidating sight, which was helpful during their travels

she ended up receiving a grievous injury in defense of sylva which left her sterile. this is why iris, clarus’ eldest, ended up becoming luna’s shield. after the wall was shrunk to surround only insomnia, she became sylva’s other advisor alongside her brother.

and while we’re talking about clarus, he also ended up travelling for a while, which is when he met his future wife, who is a power plant worker. however, she continues to work in lestallum and the children mostly live with clarus with occasional visits. when gladio ended up showing interest in hunting, he moved to lestallum and started training as a hunter around there to supplement his father's training and then started to move around eos

camelia claustra, another friend of sylva whom she met during one of the many political parties she had to attend. she comes from a family of politicians and is seen by everyone as a strong candidate for a high position in the government, maybe even first secretary, when she gets more experience. she meets sylva in secret when she can to organize the resistance’s next attacks and to talk politics in order to gain an advantage over niflheim.

she does keep contact with aulea after lucis falls back because they are both in “nifl” territory (accordo and tenebrae) though it’s much more difficult with sylva

and finally, gentiana, who will later become known as “the immortal” for her prowess in battle. she was recruited by the former commander of what would turn out to become the crownsguard. she wields a katana in battle and her strategic mind was a key element in keeping everyone safe during the bigger battles.

regis was not without his share of adventures though

he was one of the most rebellious of the oracles tbh. he did not think that his role was to passively keep the scrouge at bay while staying safe in tenebrae, a belief his parents tried to instill in him and one of the reasons why their country lost some of its hard gained independence during his father’s reign. despite not being acknowledged as the oracle at the time and not having access to his full powers, he went on tours to help those afflicted by the scrouge. it was also the occasion for him to travel the world a little. he mostly used swords and magic during his travels, having sought training from guards and hunters when he could while growing up so that he did not have to solely rely on magic.

it was in accordo that he met weskham, who would become one of his best friends yet. seeing that weskham was originally a tattoo artist, that’s when he started developing a passion for them. nobody would believe the many designs hidden under the oracle’s formal clothes~ he mostly used guns in battle and was the one to make sure everybody actually ate, what with regis’ and cid’s tendency to get lost in whatever they’re doing at the time.

he stayed in contact with regis and regularly visited him. he was pretty much a uncle to noct growing up, but could not be there as often as he wanted due to niflheim’s surveillance and restrictions after regis and aulea’s death. noctis does still visit him during his oracle tours, and weskham tries to be there for the biggest festivals in tenebrae where the oracle plays a significant role.

cid became another one of his friends when they met in one of the lucian towns afflicted with the starscrouge. fighting daemons together does create bonds after all. he teamed up with regis and co after that during regis’ tour. it was during that time that he started modifying weapons, with some “interesting” results in the beginning. after regis’s father died in the middle of one of the tours and he officially became oracle, cid ended up going back to lucis and founding hammerhead due to cars being his true passion. as you can imagine, him and aulea got on really well~

he also kept into contact with regis, mainly with letters sent via regis’ messengers and occasional visits. and just like weskham, tried to be there for noctis when he could

cid also adopted prompto as a child after regis and co saved him from daemons (more about that later!)

and to finish, they did journey for a while with clarus, who was on his own training trip. really, just like in canon, he is there to keep regis out of trouble which he cannot help but seek. it’s exhausting really.

like for the other members of regis’ “crew”, he keeps in contact via messengers, though it’s impossible for him to visit seeing that he is in insomnia and sylva’s advisor

one last thing about regis, his messengers are hawks, and not dogs. new messengers are born at the same time as the oracle they will serve and will be taught by the previous oracle’s messengers. in that way, power and knowledge grow with each new oracle that is born. most of the time, they die at the same time as their oracle except if the last of the oracle’s power is used to preserve them. of course, cor is an exception to all of that, seeing that he voluntarily joined the lucis caelum household at the time of noct’s birth. his origins are actually a mystery to regis~

as said earlier, noct is basically raised by cor after his parents’ deaths and was inducted at a young age as the oracle

it was during one of his first tours that he heard about galadh being overrun by the starscrouge and he decides to go there in spite of it technically being in lucis

when a gralean official learn about his plans and tell him that it is not possible, he tells them in his gentlest voice while cor is looming behind him that the territories surrounding insomnia are now part of niflheim, and seeing that tenebrae is also considered part of niflheim, it would be fine to go there, right?

of course they end up agreeing with him because they’re terrified of cor and they’ve received orders from higher up. the oracle is to be kept out of gralea as much as possible, and if that’s impossible, he is to be given what he asks for (within reason) to make him go away. noct milks that for all it’s worth and ends up getting free accommodations and transport in niflheim territory in spite of being around 8-9 at the time (regis and aulea’s influences shining through)

though, you know how gentiana uses her powers to photobomb the chocobros? cor uses them in a much more sinister way by appearing in the corner of gralean officials’ eyes and showing up for an instant on security footage to, ah, reinforce the message to leave noctis the fuck alone!!!

it works marvelously

finally, noct can be on his way and heal the galahdians, including nyx, who swears to become his knight and serve him

oh boy, nyx doesn’t know what he signed up for (everytime he hears nyx complaining about some ridiculous shit that noctis has pulled, he always laughs and point out that he was literally the one to hire himself as noctis’ guard. and “employee”? pffffttt, as if he was just that)

first of all, the first thing noct asks him is to call him “noct”. it takes nyx an embarrassingly long time to go from “your royal highness” to “noctis” to “noct” XD

and he’s so blasé by the time he finds out that noctis makes niflheim pay for nearly everything during his tours that he is not even surprise. he has accepted by this point that his boss casually pulls things like those and the only way to avoid a heart attack is to get used to it

eventually, nyx is the one to design the Oracle’s Knights uniform, seeing that he is the one that founded them (he is stunned when noct first tells him that)

now, nyx started his training as a galahdian warrior young under his father’s tutelage before he was killed in battle

after he joins noctis’s “entourage”, cor is actually the one to continue his training thanks to his experience and the time he spent on eos. it’s supplemented with the occasional mission with hunters so that he can gain fighting experience.

cor would never admit it on pain of death but he was totally jealous when nyx became the oracle’s first knight, seeing that he got used to being the one to protect his starchild

it takes noctis a few days to understand the root of his guardian’s “mood” and he confronts him in private about it. when cor notices that it’s something important, he kneels to put himself closer to noct’s level. which is when teeny oracle tells him point blank with no embarrassment whatsoever that nyx being with them does not mean he loves cor any less before kissing him on the cheek.

(the straightforwardness definitely comes from cor)

cor is confused and does not know how to answer and his chest feels weirdly warm (that’s called happiness, cor). he finally realizes that he got attached and that feelings, unfortunately or not, are catching.

the first time nyx go on a mission, noctis gives him one of his earrings (which have been in his family for a long time and that his father had given to his mother as an engagement present), with the implied promise that he will always have to come back to noctis to give it back one day.

this is followed by nyx giving him one of the charms his sister made, so that noctis too will always come back to nyx

it’s after one of those missions that noctis half-jokingly asks him what he wants, what with him never having asked for anything during all of those years

nyx not-so-jokingly answers “to be closer to you” which stuns noctis until he rewords it as “to be bonded with you in a way similar to the lucian crownsguard” to save face, which noctis accepts bemusedly (@jasperraven ;D)

it sends him on a research spree with the help of cor, during which he finds out about his ancestors having forged some of the nox’s royal arms. but the account of the oracle having forged the scepter of the pious is the most interesting

and it gives him an idea about how to channel his power through nyx using a piece of himself as a focus in order to always be able to find nyx in both astral and mortal realms magic-wise

really, he is always channeling power through himself and he can feel that he has lot more power than necessary to keep the starscrouge at bay. using it to strengthen nyx would not be a burden at all. it would also go well with an idea he’s had for a while

they all head to accordo to visit weskham, and noctis asks him to tattoo both of them. mixing each other’s blood in the ink would allow noctis to create a bond between them and to share his power by giving nyx access to a part of himself and thus access to his power

for the tattoos, noctis’ is on his back and represents a fish (because of course) similar to a siamese fighting fish with its flowing fins blending into sylleblossoms

whereas nyx’s is more simple and represents sylleblossoms climbing up his wrist, so that he can always see it/touch it for strength

to be continued in part iii~

#noctis lucis caelum #oracle!noctis #nyx ulric #cor leonis #regis lucis caelum #aulea lucis caelum #sylva nox fleuret #nyx/noctis #oracle!au #final fantasy 15 #ffxv #ffxv hc

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