#TW CSA DESCRIPTIONS

[britts-galaxy-brain]

I went back and looked at the screenshots on the Google Drive of the accounts, and have made a short list of pics she favorited that are flagged for possibly being CSEM based, or whose artists have been under investigation for CSEM or child sexual abuse, along with a brief description. Please note that unlike the original Sankaku anon who compiled everything, my ability to stomach this is actually kind of limited, so I may have missed something. I'm probably not going to go back to check, because it makes me sick to look at for too long. I also don't have an account these days so unlike the original anon who found this stuff, I can't check to see if it's still up or check artist credit for things so I only listed things whose artists I know definitively.

TRIGGER WARNING: Rape, CSEM, CSA, discussion of actual sexual abuse by adults to minors, BDSM elements, incest, and arguably prostitution of a minor by adults.

By account:

Ebaratara: She has 3D pics and videos from Drax (who also goes by Lasto), who is a photorealistic artist specializing in shota and loli under the age of 10, as well as sholicon (children performing sexual acts on one another). The most instantly identifiable as his were a video of a prepubescent girl performing oral sex on a boy her age and a series of pictures of a prepubescent boy blindfolded and chained up to a bed being groped by a grown man who is touching himself who then strips the boy naked. These are both 3D, as is all his art. Drax was charged with sexually assaulting a minor in 2019. The case was settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.

She has a video of Spike from MLP being raped and crying. One of the animators, Amri, is currently awaiting trial for violating his native Estonia's Child Protection Act, Section 33, which states it is illegal to have sex with a child, put them into prostitution or make CSEM/own CSEM of a child. The video features Spike crying, shaking his head no, his assailant chuckling, and an unconscious Twilight Sparkle nearby.

She favorited a 3D painting by artist Masked of a young boy giving oral sex to a grown man. This is particularly disturbing because Masked is in prison for having sex with a neighbor's son, who he used to make the CSEM he used as references, though he was able to only get charged for CSEM possession/distribution because the boy's lawyer was not able to prove in a court of law that Masked had made the boy give him oral sex. However, in light of that being the exact sex act his victim repeatedly mentioned, having an image of that sex act in her favorites becomes even more unsettling, as that has an extremely high chance of being based on CSEM of that child. Going off of what was stated by the mods of ShotaWorld - another site I really don't recommend anyone look at - Masked's victim was between 5 and 8 when he was assaulted.

Flagged in yellow, meaning it was being reviewed for being possibly CSEM based, is a video by artist Sandsuna of a seductive tomboyish girl seducing and having sex with a man who appears to be in his 30s. Sandsuna is an artist who makes lolicon and shotacon animations. They have never been formally charged with anything, but their art regularly gets flagged due to how realistic the physics and proportions in the animations are.

Alchorative: I couldn't find the Google Drive for Alchorative, but from what I can tell that was her shoving the old favorites onto another account, so we can assume it was the same. The original Sankaku anon detailed all the artists Lily had marked as favorite artists on there here, so I'll link that: https://www.tumblr.com/opinated-user/699499327392972800/anon-who-found-ebarataras-sankaku-account-here

Of note is that since that post was made, Kaneda has been charged with using her son to make reference material, and has also been charged with allowing a man to have intercural sex with her son in exchange for money, who was 2 at the time that took place. She is awaiting trial in Japan.

SpiritusKhayaamAliana: Drax (Lasto) is in her favorited artists again.

The same Sandsuna video showed up of a seductive loli who gets a grown man to give in and sleep with her. Unflagged but also Sandsuna are pictures of seductive shotas seducing grown men, seductive tomboyish/short haired girls having sex with their brothers/men clearly related to them, and prepubescent boys masturbating.

Art of Genshin Impact character Venti is flagged and in her favorites, and was in the favorites for her ElethynAscentia account, too. It's not CSEM based, it's adult porn pic referenced (the artist provided Sankaku with the references), it just gets flagged regularly for the realistic texturing of the genitalia and semen being paired with a character who is a GNC child.

Highlighted red, meaning slated for deletion/was actually found to be based on CSEM/is highly suspected of being based on CSEM is a 3D, photorealistic pic of a man who has just finished having sex with and pulled out of a toddler.

Also hightlighted red: a 3D video of a young girl in lingerie having sex with a grown man.

Third highlighted red: a video of a grown woman having sex with a child. I can't tell from the thumbnail if the child is a boy or girl or what kind of sex they're having.

Fourth highlighted red: a video of a grown man raping a drugged boy, who is his son. I recognize the thumbnail because this artist has been booted off of Fanbox, Pixiv and ShotaWorld and the fandom for Captain Spirit hates them. Captain Spirit is canonically 8-10 years old. I can't tell if it's the full video, which featured both oral and anal rape, or if it's the shorter one that's purely anal.

Flagged in yellow is art of a boy being gangraped by 9 or 10 men (it's hard to tell from the thumbnail). It's not 3D but the body of the boy is extremely realistic looking.

Fifth flagged in red: a 3D video of a young child in a school uniform having sex on a desk. She looks distraught, possibly crying.

Sixth flagged in red: a 3D image of two girls, one on her back with her legs spread, naked from the waist down, and one, young enough to be in diapers, curled up in the fetal position beside her.

Flagged in yellow: video by Lesdias, an artist who has been cleared of CSEM charges but consistently gets hit with them due to his 3D videos being so realistic. (He uses images of people with dwarfism for his art. Your opinion may vary on if that makes it better considering his art removes adult breasts and features, but at least he is not in fact using CSEM that we know of.) The video is of a prepubescent girl being raped by two grown men.

The Spike rape video is there again.

ElethynAscentia:

Flagged in yellow: a 3D picture of a boy from behind, presenting his genitalia in disturbingly clear detail.

Flagged in yellow: a pic that's a closeup of a man anally penetrating a boy he's holding in his lap. The shading, muscle and hair textures are incredibly realistic.

Flagged in yellow: a pic that's a closeup of a young girl's genitalia from behind.

Flagged in yellow: a video of a man forcibly spreading a young girl's anus open. It looks like it hurts; the nails of his fingers are digging into the skin hard enough to begin to bruise, and she has wet herself.

The aforementioned Spike rape video shows up again.

Not flagged, but worth noting are four videos by Anaru, who is under investigation right now for CSEM possession, though she hasn't been charged with anything. Three of the videos are of grown women (one is Elsa) performing oral sex on young boys. The fourth, which triggered the investigation into Anaru, is of a drugged child being anally raped by a grown man, who films himself doing it.

Flagged in red: the infamous 3D Kaneda video she used her two year old son to produce. Judging by the date in the screenshots it might have been from when the one with audio was circulating. Kaneda used her son's crying for the audio, then cut it when people started questioning how realistic it sounded and the fact that you can hear the microphone being moved/background sounds.

If I missed anything I'm sorry but I'm not going back to double check, I'm 100% going to need a very strong drink, this was a miserable experience. But that's it, that's a list of flagged images, flagged videos and artists who we know Lily looked at.

It's kind of funny how every pro-Lily person who comes onto these blogs is firmly of the idea that fiction affects reality, but they support someone who looks at this kind of fiction, made by these kinds of people. And by funny I mean incredibly alarming and I might be sick if I think about it for too long.

I...fucking hell...

To note, Lily has directly and via her Tara Callie account publicly and privately expressed her interest in rape, lolicon, and small children. Lily has written a multi-part series and a short containing graphic scenes involving young children and young teens. Every single one of those accounts have usernames that are unique to Lily (Ebaratara being a combination of her two sockpuppet accounts, Alchorative being the pen name of the Tara Callie account, ElethynAscentia being a combination of the character she stole from Lizzy and one of her most well-known OCs, and SpiritusKhayamAliana being a reference to one of her fanfics and her most recent main OC). The contents of these favorites line up with things Lily has either obsessed over, or has admitted to enjoying.

Lily Orchard is a predator...

#TW CSEM DESCRIPTIONS #TW CSA DESCRIPTIONS #TW RAPE #TW GRAPHIC #Lily orchard

[69ottersinatrenchcoat]

csa/sa warning [slightly graphic}

..our primary protector recently started listening to a podcast called 'the deep'. the host of the podcast dives into people's experiences with..well, anything challenging, traumatic..scary..

when i switched in we were listening to an episode speaking with a survivor of tween sa (12 year old in a relationship with a 26 year old)..

...and unlike our primary protector, i remember my own experiences having an erect penis forced down my throat while my hair was gripped so hard my eyes watered

...and somehow i only now placed that.. that was rape. that was by definition, sexual assault. even between two people over the age of consent that is still rape. but im eight (body is older), and the pastor took unforgivable advantage of us.

...it was only this podcast that..made me realise that was wrong..and i had every right to defend myself, my body, and to speak up.

i wish i did.

~ chastity-kiel

#tw csa #tw sa #sa #sa tw #tw sa mention #sa descriptions #chastity-kiel posts

[somethings-monstrous]

Content warning: abuse mention and description below the cut, mild sui ideation mention, some csa related talk. Me/Us venting, you guys know the drill. Keep scrolling and stay safe out there in the Tumblr wilds, ya'll.

I didn't want to know.

I didn't want to know how she is doing.

I didn't want to know she still lives with them.

I didn't want to know what she is doing.

I didn't want to be reminded of her.

I didn't want to feel the aching void left behind by the child I helped raise.

I didn't want to remember how they slowly made her hate me.

I didn't want to remember how that hatred began to stain my skin in purples and blues.

I didn't want to remember how they tried to use her to drag me back.

I didn't want to remember her words of hatred and anger immediately followed the next day by mock understanding when guilt and fury failed. "I get why you left. They never listen." As if I walked away because of clogged ears.

I didn't want to remember her kind words dripping with poison mixed by our mother.

I didn't want to remember the puppet she became in their failed attempts to drag me back.

I didn't want to remember how my silence finally made her drop the act..her hatred for me lashing out from every word spilled across the screen.

I didn't want to remember her mocking me for being afraid of them knowing my address..and the next day finding the cops at my door.

I didn't want to remember how she witnessed so much of what we survived, and still chooses them...and how I cannot fault her for it.

I didn't want to remember my grandmother telling me that she saw him dragging me though the house by my hair, kicking and screaming with bruises around my neck and arms. The riding crop still in his hand. Dragging me to the bathtub to try to drown me again.

I didn't want to remember that in my idiocy and denial, I called our mother and told her our shared daughter saw. Looking in through the window with our cousins. Crying and afraid. Too young to understand. She was only 7. She shouldn't have seen. I never wanted her to see.

I didn't want to remember that the next time I saw her, I could tell she was no longer happy to see me. My own stupidity shining through the distrust in her eyes. I'll never know what they told her..but it worked. I handed them the knife they used to sever our bond. Stupid. Foolish. Ignorant child that I was.

I didn't want to remember how she wanted me to support her vitriol towards him, the hurt looks when I refused..staring into my mother's black eyes through the review mirror, watching me..waiting for me to slip up and give her an excuse to take her from me. The glass I walked on just to keep seeing her. Nausea as I gently told her not to talk about him like that. Tinge of disappointment in those black eyes that I passed the test..then glee at the sight of pain in those blue-green eyes staring at me..wanting solidarity against the stupid oaf she had hated since she saw...never knowing how much she didn't see. Never suspecting. Too young and innocent.

I didn't want to remember what I did to protect that innocence. 10 years old, telling him we would kill him if he touched her. Standing guard at her door night after sleepless night. Years of standing guard. The terror when I fell asleep on the couch one night and she came to me shaking almost violently. "Did he touch her? Did he hurt her? Did I fail?" Relief when she just had a nightmare and was cold from sleep. No blood. No bruises. No pain. Sleepy eyes still innocent and unknowing.

I didn't want to remember how painful my existence has been for her. That my survival has meant her pain. Even with her hatred...I knew it would hurt. I knew..but I knew she was safe..they wouldn't hurt her. They needed her to grow up normal. Needed one kid that wasn't a fucked up walking red flag for abusive family. They wouldn't hurt her. She was safe..but dripping poison..and the pain I caused by walking away just added to it.

I didn't want to remember that she became cruel like them. Hatred and disdain..racism, homophobia, cruelty on her tongue and hardening those eyes that looked at me with more and more loathing.

I didn't want to remember how my abuse and trauma took away her sister. Left her with anger and hatred and grief. A void where "mommy number 2" and her jealously guarded sister once dwelled.

I didn't want to remember her child's rage at being told we were only half sisters. "We are all sisters, not just half! She's my sister. You're my sister!" Tiny arms wrapping around me..jealous little creature clinging to me, glaring at the offending person who dared point out that we didn't share a father. (If his blood flowed through my veins I would have emptied them years ago..but that wasn't something she should ever know.)

I didn't want to remember that I was the only one who could get her to smile for pictures. The blue of her dress. The last movie we watched together, curled up on my "bed" in the garage, every extra penny I could scrape together spent on making her happy..spending time with her. Taking her shopping. To the movies. Normalcy..and apologies for the future I knew was coming. The inevitable severance. The hope I could stay until she was old enough to understand..or ask why.

I didn't want to remember coming home from her 15th birthday with fresh bruises as my last gift from her, knowing it was the last time I'd see her..failing to keep myself from hoping one day she would see through the lies and manipulations clearly enough to ask me why. To want to know..to reach out.

I didn't want to remember how that hope withered and rotted when I realized I could never trust her not to be a puppet for our mother.

I didn't want to remember the guilty relief I feel, knowing she will never know what they did to me. She will never know how broken we are. She will never see the monsters lurking beneath their skin. That me leaving is the worst thing that happened to her before adulthood. It aches, but I am grateful that I am the worst thing to happen to her.

I didn't want to remember.

I didn't fucking want to remember.

I didn't fucking want to know.

#my housemate is a thoughtless fucking asshole sometimes #“oh youre recovering from surgery?” #“time to randomly give you an update on how your family is doing!” #gods fucking dammit #I told him all I ever want to know is when my primary abusers die #thats it #beyond that I dont want to know #their fucked up lives are no longer relevant to my own #all it does is stir the grief and bring it back to a simmer #I just..I didn't want to know #just hearing her fucking name hurts #fucking fuck #tw: abuse mention #tw: vent #tw: abuse description #tw: sui mention #tw: sui ideation #tw: csa

[whiskeysmulti]

💔 - Ash

Send 💔 and I’ll describe my muse’s mental scars as if they were physical.-no longer accepting!

A red painful hand, skinned of all flesh, removed a baseball glove that had been a nuisance nearly all his life. That was where it started. Handprints burned into his body where he'd been touched without his permission, without consent. He was thankful to be covered. A grotesque castration scar lay in the one spot he hated being touched most, the one spot he'd never let anyone touch him again. His tongue cut out and teeth broken, hand prints marked his throat where he'd screamed one too many times and they didn't like it, attempting to silence him once and for all. He could hardly swallow anymore.

Scars lined his sides, where he'd been so hard his ribs cracked and he was left spitting out his own blood. Horrific scars covered his thighs where hands traveled too far up only to be nearly broken because he knew damn well what they were reaching for. Scars covered his face from too many poisoned touches, lifitng his chin and stroking his cheeks to tell him how "beautiful" he was to them.

Ash wondered if they'd think the same to see him as he was now.

#asks #ic #muse; ash #implied csa tw #graphic description tw

[lycanstonebutch]

Probs wont be super active on here 4 a bit bcuz abortion is a massive trigger for one of our cohost and its just hard to literally do anything without being bombarded with posts abt it and even posts going into detailed cases of R*pe and inc*st which are also triggers

Kinda hard to be sctive on a horny tumblr when every single post sets off an alters triggers

#btw this isnt me bashing abortion itself im completely pro choice #its the fact that an alter of ours is very sensitive to that topic #and she gets very triggered by it and irs just. EVERYWHERE understandably #but theres also.some rlly intense description of gross shit and CSA and forced birthing like fucking christ #with no TW whatsoever #asmodeus.talks #anyways we'll be inactivr until it calms down

[aspd-culture]

Welcome back. You’re very informative.

I’m very confused about how numerous people, from you, to other antisocial people speaking from their experiences (some of which I learned are actually friends) to prosocial researchers of ASPD say that antisocial people see relationships as transactional. It’s not weird that you guys see it that way, it’s more like “and prosocials… don’t???” Because I’m certain I’m prosocial. I’m neurodivergent, sure, but no signs of ASPD. So, how do most prosocial people typically view relationships if they’re not transactional?

So I find prosocials and pwASPD both tend to think “but doesn’t everybody” when we hear this - it’s a super undescriptive term - but we’re thinking different things define something as transactional. We also see the reason for that transaction to be different.

From a prosocial generally, they’ll mean “I only want to be around people that ‘don’t drain my energy’, that don’t just take take take, that we mutually enjoy the friendship/relationship and want to be around each other”. That’s kinda their definition of getting something out of it, and they want everyone to get something out of it. If they’re draining you, they want you to be free of it so you can be happy, and the transactions involved can be purely emotional/vibes. The reason they feel this way is a desire for positive and enjoyable social connection; the consequence for an uneven/bad/missing transaction is discomfort and wasting their time in negative experiences and generally feeling bad in association with that person.

PwASPD see those transactions very very literally. There’s no vibes nor emotions in the transactions, those are either a reaction to the transaction or a bonus. We mean that we are getting something tangible or practical out of it. Rides, help with things we can’t or don’t want to do alone, sex, maybe even the social relief from the annoyance of “why don’t you ever talk to anyone?” coming from all sides. We also don’t always care if it’s even on the other person’s end. If they’re ok driving me everywhere/if they do it and don’t say or show they’re uncomfortable, then I will assume they are fine with that piece of the transaction. If I’m taking more than I’m giving and they seem chill with that then I’ll accept it. However, I won’t give them *nothing* and that’s because of our reason for transactions - it’s dangerous otherwise. First off, I have shit I need I can’t get myself as much as it sucks, so I need to be around people. But if we need something from them, what we learned in our childhoods is that we don’t get that for free. There’s always something over your head. A lot of pwASPD had friends or caregivers that would hold favors or even *basic, legally-mandated caregiving* over our heads as though we didn’t deserve it. Often our value was determined as a child by what we provided, and since children can’t provide much, we were worthless and not deserving of good treatment.

This is part of the reason (TW non-descriptive CSA mention, skip to the next paragraph if you want) that people thought ASPD was directly correlated with CSA for a long time - many cases of long term CSA come from either “I’ll give you x/do x for you if you help me with this” or worse, doing something first then saying “but I gave you X!/did X for you! I wouldn’t have if I knew you’d act like this”, often call us selfish if we tried to say no and maybe get aggressive or forceful after, and that is an easy lead-in to our view of interactions.

So a lot of us see it that if we want to be safe/know we can continue to get what we need, we HAVE to be giving them something. If you claim you like being around me “just to be around me” or worse that you’re willing to do something for me “just because I want to”, that’s not safe. You want something from me and I’ll give it to you - just tell me what it is. If you’re not telling me, that means it’s not good or you’re just gonna decide later that I’m selfish. You might hurt me to get what you want and justify it with this. Take something from my side so we’re even, because even means safe. Even means I get access to what I need and you get access to what you need - so now we’re both using this relationship/friendship/etc for something and you wouldn’t wanna mess that up by putting me in danger any more than I’d want to mess it up by putting you in danger.

Of course, not every prosocial sees it the first way and not every pwASPD had those experiences and/or sees it that way. But that’s what I’ve found to be common. If you see “they make me happy” as what your or their end of the transaction is, it’s definitely a prosocial response, maybe with the exception of thinking of it as “getting their brain to dopamine/oxytocin” vs caring how they’re actually feeling. If not, if you need it to be practical, that’s definitely transactional.

It’s important to note this is personal relationships with no practical consequences to ending the relationship - most people see relationships (platonic) with coworkers or managers as transactional and that’s a way I usually explain it to prosocials (“do you deal with your boss bc you like them or bc they sign your check - and would your boss keep you hired if you didn’t do your job because you make them happy just by being there?”). But with a romantic or sexual partner, a friend, etc. this is not a typical view of relationships.

That said - you can *absolutely* not have ASPD and have transactional view of relationships. It’s not a 1:1 thing there; not everyone with ASPD has it and not every prosocial doesn’t. It’s just a really common piece of the puzzle that is this personality disorder.

Edit: ack I’m so sorry I forgot to add the csa tw tags they’re there now.

Plain text below the cut:

So I find prosocials and pwASPD both tend to think “but doesn’t everybody” when we hear this - it’s a super undescriptive term - but we’re thinking different things define something as transactional. We also see the reason for that transaction to be different.

From a prosocial generally, they’ll mean “I only want to be around people that ‘don’t drain my energy’, that don’t just take take take, that we mutually enjoy the friendship/relationship and want to be around each other”. That’s kinda their definition of getting something out of it, and they want everyone to get something out of it. If they’re draining you, they want you to be free of it so you can be happy, and the transactions involved can be purely emotional/vibes. The reason they feel this way is a desire for positive and enjoyable social connection; the consequence for an uneven/bad/missing transaction is discomfort and wasting their time in negative experiences and generally feeling bad in association with that person.

PwASPD see those transactions very very literally. There’s no vibes nor emotions in the transactions, those are either a reaction to the transaction or a bonus. We mean that we are getting something tangible or practical out of it. Rides, help with things we can’t or don’t want to do alone, sex, maybe even the social relief from the annoyance of “why don’t you ever talk to anyone?” coming from all sides. We also don’t always care if it’s even on the other person’s end. If they’re ok driving me everywhere/if they do it and don’t say or show they’re uncomfortable, then I will assume they are fine with that piece of the transaction. If I’m taking more than I’m giving and they seem chill with that then I’ll accept it. However, I won’t give them *nothing* and that’s because of our reason for transactions - it’s dangerous otherwise. First off, I have shit I need I can’t get myself as much as it sucks, so I need to be around people. But if we need something from them, what we learned in our childhoods is that we don’t get that for free. There’s always something over your head. A lot of pwASPD had friends or caregivers that would hold favors or even *basic, legally-mandated caregiving* over our heads as though we didn’t deserve it. Often our value was determined as a child by what we provided, and since children can’t provide much, we were worthless and not deserving of good treatment.

This is part of the reason (TW non-descriptive CSA mention, skip to the next paragraph if you want) that people thought ASPD was directly correlated with CSA for a long time - many cases of long term CSA come from either “I’ll give you x/do x for you if you help me with this” or worse, doing something first then saying “but I gave you X!/did X for you! I wouldn’t have if I knew you’d act like this”, often call us selfish if we tried to say no and maybe get aggressive or forceful after, and that is an easy lead-in to our view of interactions.

So a lot of us see it that if we want to be safe/know we can continue to get what we need, we HAVE to be giving them something. If you claim you like being around me “just to be around me” or worse that you’re willing to do something for me “just because I want to”, that’s not safe. You want something from me and I’ll give it to you - just tell me what it is. If you’re not telling me, that means it’s not good or you’re just gonna decide later that I’m selfish. You might hurt me to get what you want and justify it with this. Take something from my side so we’re even, because even means safe. Even means I get access to what I need and you get access to what you need - so now we’re both using this relationship/friendship/etc for something and you wouldn’t wanna mess that up by putting me in danger any more than I’d want to mess it up by putting you in danger.

Of course, not every prosocial sees it the first way and not every pwASPD had those experiences and/or sees it that way. But that’s what I’ve found to be common. If you see “they make me happy” as what your or their end of the transaction is, it’s definitely a prosocial response, maybe with the exception of thinking of it as “getting their brain to dopamine/oxytocin” vs caring how they’re actually feeling. If not, if you need it to be practical, that’s definitely transactional.

It’s important to note this is personal relationships with no practical consequences to ending the relationship - most people see relationships (platonic) with coworkers or managers as transactional and that’s a way I usually explain it to prosocials (“do you deal with your boss bc you like them or bc they sign your check - and would your boss keep you hired if you didn’t do your job because you make them happy just by being there?”). But with a romantic or sexual partner, a friend, etc. this is not a typical view of relationships.

That said - you can *absolutely* not have ASPD and have transactional view of relationships. It’s not a 1:1 thing there; not everyone with ASPD has it and not every prosocial doesn’t. It’s just a really common piece of the puzzle that is this personality disorder.

Edit: ack I’m so sorry I forgot to add the csa tw tags they’re there now.

#tw mentions of sex #tw csa #tw csa mention #tw abuse mention #tw sa #tw sa mention #tw child abuse mention #tw child abuse #aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #anons welcome

[kitty-catartist]

I have thoughts on Orias' paraphilia! (TW: mentions of CSA)

First things first, I wanna say that he is not a predator, his paraphilia is self-directed (auto)

So my first thought when seeing his paraphilia (after being ummm very surprised) was that it might not be sexual. Technically speaking, paraphilias don't necessarily have to be sexual, and some of the other whb characters seem to have non-sexual paraphilias. (For example: when Michael kills, it doesn't seem to be sexual for him despite it being his paraphilia.) And in Orias' description, it directly says that he's obsessed with looking 20, so his paraphilia could just be a reference to that.

If it is sexual- again, it could either be him wanting to look and be treated like a 20 year old OR it could be actual age play. Personally I have ehhh mixed feelings about age play, but I do understand it makes a lot of people uncomfortable (myself included.) I think that if pretty busy did go to the full age play route, it would be better received if they went into WHY he has that paraphilia. I know that autopedophila is common among men who experienced CSA and Leviathan said that he saw this happening when he was captured and probably had it happen to himself, so clearly WHB isn't afraid to go there. In all, I think it would be good to tell why because otherwise it could come across as just edgy without real substance.

I actually do hope that WHB goes into how CSA can cause these types of kinks, because there's a theme of sexual guilt in this game, I feel like that could like really add to the theme of not feeling guilty for sexual desires. As someone with sexual trama, guilt surrounding it and the feelings that come with that, it would be nice to watch a character go through something similar.

I think the absolute worst way they could handle his paraphilia would be by making him use his powers to look like an actual young child. I doubt Prettybusy would do something like that but yeah...

Also please don't get mad at others for not being desensitized to this kind of stuff. I get that it's not exactly surprising since there are other extreme kinks in WHB, but that doesn't necessarily mean people aren't allowed to be upset/triggered by them.

#whb #what in hell is bad #whb orias

[many-but-one]

EYEWITNESS

⚠️TW: religious trauma, CSA, RAMCOA, descriptions of child death⚠️

Author’s note: This is an intense poem, but is extremely important for me to share as an eyewitness to these atrocities. As the highest level gatekeeper in our system, I witnessed Everything, and was forced to cut my emotions about it away so I could do my job. Yesterday, a mutual on TikTok (The Brigadoon System) posted a video in response to a hate comment on one of our videos, in which they described the emotions about what it’s like to witness child death, and it struck such a chord in me that I actually was able to feel some of these feelings again for the first time in many, many years. It was difficult. Devastating. But also cathartic in a way. It reminded me that I’m not the cold monster I used to believe I was, and that allowing yourself to feel grief can be healing, too.

Please only read if you feel you are able to do so, please heed the trigger warnings above.

This poem DOES end on a good note, but it starts a bit heavy. Please read with caution.

EYEWITNESS

You know what they say about eyewitness reports. How they are often unreliable, how people often focus too much on a certain thing or they are too caught up in the emotions of it all that they mistake brunette hair for black, or black skin for white. Or whatever story serves the highest bidder, whatever story the pigs can scrape out of them to put someone they already hate behind bars.

You’ve all heard that, right?

And maybe it’s true that eyewitness accounts aren’t always accurate, but I’ve always felt like I would be a fantastic eyewitness, so good, in fact, the cops would hate me for how I refuse to stare at the lineup of pictures of black men with dreads or Latino men with tattoos that scare the perfect bottle blonde PTO moms lined up in front of me. They’d hate me for how I’d describe the perpetrator as a white man in a black business suit, I’d note the exact turn the curls in his hair made. I’d let the police know he wore blue eye contacts. I’d tell them not to forget the freckle underneath his right eye, I surely won’t. I could tell them that his dick was 6.75 inches too and that he never shaved, and when they ask me why I know that, I’ll tell them that I could feel him hitting my cervix when I was six years old, and he couldn’t push all the way in. I’ll tell them I used to get his hair stuck under my tongue when he used my mouth like a cunt. I’d let them know he kept his nails clean and trimmed short so that when he gripped at me he wouldn’t leave scratches that would be noticed later.

See, the thing about eyewitness accounts is that emotions are always running high when someone holds a gun to you from the other side of a convenience counter, but luckily for me I cut those away when I was seven, my job description required it, especially after that one cold December night. You know, the really important one everyone talks about all the time. It’s a night that I lament as the one I became god, and so too like god I created the separation between the sky and the land—the inner world one, I mean. Don’t think I’ve gotten cocky, I’m not that much of a sadist.

The sky I created was like spilled ink swelling across a page of parchment, and it held no stars or moon. Instead the black, viscous sky held my grief, it held that singular emotion I could not take that night, the night I was killed three times and what arose from me were sacrificial lambs, a pack of snarling wolves, and a god whose blue eyes were as cold as the winter’s midnight wind. The grief nearly overtook me and so I had to cut him away from me, I placed him in the sky, the one thing that would remain not only above me, but all around me, a place I would swim in every so often and get trapped in like a raptor in a Jurassic tar pit.

The rest of my parts, the children and the tigers and the demons and angels would never know where my grief went, they’d call me cold and cruel, they’d call me a monster, and I’d let them, because I knew they were telling the version of the truth I believed myself. I was a monster for having the ability to cut my pain away from me while they all writhed in theirs like a fly caught in a spider’s web.

For every trauma we took, for every single event I witnessed, the sky would grow larger, darker, heavier. Nobody felt the weight of it except me, the god who resided in it, an Atlas of epic proportions—who experienced everything, witnessed everything, Knew Everything. Omnipresent, omniscient, but not omnipotent. Every December reminded me of that, when I’d find myself on that church floor in my white dress with my limbs bound in prayer. O Holy God, wherest art thou? I’m right here, I’ve Always been here. Shattered over and over like delicate china dolls, those fragment pieces still scream the words I could never say at the time and will never be able to receive an actual answer for.

WHY? WHY? WHY?

The answer that I know you hold in your blackened heart is that you’re a sick and twisted man with sick and twisted followers, who keep the red eyes trained on me for money. Do you really think I’m that fucking stupid, that I don’t know your little games weren’t for a religious cause? They were so you could line your pockets. But at least I’d get a good Christmas present and my dad would get his booze money.

I used to wish that you had killed me, my desire to give up and die was held in a creature called The Nothing, held back by the strongest of my wolf pack, a black hellhound named G’mork wreathed in the fires of Wrath and Vengeance, who holds Hope like a tool of demolition. He held back this immense creature almost as expansive as my grief overhead, and it kept us alive.

It wasn’t until later that I realized how important this would be to me. See, I hated that he existed to keep that desire at bay, sometimes I wish I could tell him to let it free, let it consume us, but our brain was stubborn in keeping us alive.

I now realize that if I hadn’t lived all these years later, I wouldn’t have been able to become the most important eyewitness I’d ever become. The most painful and devastating eyewitness I would ever bear, a witness to monstrosities that cannot ever be truly described, something I wish in my heart of heart and soul of souls that I could have stopped. I couldn’t then.

But maybe now, I can.

I have lived through so many types of torture, the sorts of things that make even my therapist with decades of experience wince and cringe. The sorts of things you can’t even conceive of if you hadn’t seen them yourself.

The first time I watched a child die, she looked like me. It was an accident, and I know this because the men in their black clothes and black masks with their blue eyes peering over and through were swearing and yelling at the one responsible for her death. I never knew her name, but her blonde hair was lighter than mine, and her eyes more of a grey than a blue. Her neck snapped like a gunshot and I froze when her body went limp. The girl next to me, perhaps barely five, screamed. The one on my other side, a girl no older than me, with hair longer than mine and a darker shade of gold than mine, stood stoic, her bright blue eyes barely welling with tears. When they punished the screaming girl mere seconds after the sound had been ripped from her lungs, I copied the older girl out of desperation. I had grown used to cutting out my emotions by now, what was a bit more going to do to me? My inner world sky now held a single star. I named that girl Star in my mind. Her hair was like a halo, fluffy like angels wings. It seemed fitting. I’ll never, ever forget her. I cannot unsee her. I have never been able to grieve her.

Many more stars were added over the course of months and years, a sky full of them, twinkling down upon my system, them none the wiser of who they represented. The girl with the doe-brown eyes, I called her Bambi. The girl who compulsively tore out her hair and was so very tall for being only nine, I called her Willow. They all had nicknames in my mind, all the ones I could see well enough and for long enough to name. For those that I couldn’t, their stars shined the brightest, my grief for them more intense than the heat of a supernova. Nameless stars for nameless girls.

Many of them were named various shades of colors, after what they were wearing, or the color of their skin or hair. Most often I used the colors of their eyes, something I almost always saw. Something I never looked away from, even in their final moments when I wanted to look away.

I made a promise to my first star, that I would never look away. Looking away meant punishment anyway, but even if it didn’t, I wouldn’t. I may never know their real name if they even had one, but I would know them by the color of their eyes.

Honey, Golden, Oak, Leaf, Moss, Ocean, Mist, Bluejay.

The eyes always told me what their screams could not. Their screams were pleas for help they knew wouldn’t come, but their eyes said WITNESS ME and I bore witness to them. NEVER FORGET ME and I never forgot them. LIVE FOR ME and I lived for them.

I taught myself more colors in art class at school so I could find more names to give. There would always be names to give. Perhaps this is why I became an artist. Every time I mix new colors on the palette, dip brush to oil and brush to paint and put paint to canvas, I remember the shades of eyes I saw, who begged me to be their eyewitness. Their eyes cover my canvases. Perhaps this is why I’ve always liked the colors blue, green, and brown in my artworks.

I see their eyes everywhere I go. In the moss clinging to tree bark during an afternoon walk, in the slicked brown leaves after an autumn thunderstorm, in the clear sky on a balmy summer’s day, in the honey I put in my tea when I have a cold, and in my morning coffee.

You’d think this would make me hate going outside, but nature is my favorite place to be. You’d think this would make me stop seeing color in everything I do, but I can’t help but gaze at the colorful world around me. After all, wouldn’t it make me sad to see the cinnamon on my toast and remember the exact way a girl was dismembered before me? Maybe for some this would be true, but not for me.

To me this is the best way I can bring these girls with me along in my life, in this way, it feels like they’re growing with me. In this way, it feels like they’re now an eyewitness to MY life, a life I promised I would live for them.

I always keep my promises.

#aridam🪢 #dissociative identity disorder #personal post #manybutone #did system #poetry #my poetry

[dissociativemagicalgirl]

well it's almost a whole new year .... i started parts work this year (finally) (i think) which was exciting. now, i will write reviews of the texts on structural dissociation/trauma/DID i read this year. almost all available on archive.org for free if you would like to join me in reading. okay byebye.

any book titles listed with a ‼️ contain graphic, heavily triggering depictions of trauma. there is a heavy focus on these descriptions in each book. i'll try to write out specific tws in my review for each one, but i would only recommend reading these if it's safe for you to do so. make sure you listen to parts that get activated, have plans to de-escalate and take care of yourself, and avoid entirely if discussion of trauma is particularly raw for you or you're physically unsafe.

keep in mind: every book here will discuss various traumas. if you're not at a place where you can handle these discussions, it would be best to avoid these readings entirely.

amongst ourselves: a self-help guide for living with dissociative identity disorder - tracy alderman & karen marshall

5 out of 5. overall, this is a really insightful text. written by two people, one who is a licensed clinical social worker and one who is a person with DID. the way it's written was surprisingly warm. something about the way it's written feels so non-judgemental and non-clinical. i particularly liked this book's insights on things like how to come out as someone with a dissociative disorder, whether to confront your abusers, etc.

attachment trauma and multiplicity: working with dissociative identity disorder

2 out of 5. honestly im sure this isn't a bad book. unfortunately, it was too dry for me without providing much insight that's not easily accessible from other texts. i ended up not finishing it - maybe there's more to it that i didn't read? regardless, it reads as an introductory text for clinicians.

‼️ don't: a woman's word - elly danica

4 out of 5. content warning for csa, trafficking, and incest. this is a memoir. i really appreciate that it's written in a less narrative structure - events seem to take place separate from anything else, with little coherent narrative or reference to time to tie them together. i really hope that doesn't come off as a negative, because it excellently captured how childhood histories of trauma often become fractured. really powerful book with little catharsis at the end.

‼️ if you tell - it'll kill your mother - ardith trudzik

2 out of 5. content warning for csa, suicide, self harm, incest, animal abuse, and animal death. this book follows ardith's journey through therapy. it eventually falls into a pretty straightforward pattern: ardith recalls a memory, she tells her therapist, and her therapist affirms her experiences. unfortunately, i'm giving it a low rating because i personally felt like i didn't get much of it. ardith writing this book becomes part of her therapeutic process, and i'm very glad she was able to write this and share her story; however, beyond that, there's little analysis of the therapeutic process or the dynamics of abuse.

multiple personality disorder from the inside out - multiple authors

4 out of 5. a collection of submissions from dozens of systems. a lot of poems, memoirs, etc. this reminds me more of a zine than a book. really cool collaborative work from the 90s.

‼️ my father's house - sylvia fraser

5 out of 5. content warning for incest and csa. really powerful memoir on repressed incestuous abuse and its effects on her adult life. sylvia's writing style really tickles my brain in a good way. as far as i'm aware, she has never been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, but her descriptions of having "alternate selves" who live in trauma time will likely be painfully familiar to any systems reading.

‼️ prism: andrea's world - jonathan bliss

whoever allowed this book to be published should be like... put in a saw trap. jonathan bliss' novel is a self-aggrandizing, exploitative hunk of shit from a freudian psychoanalysist with no history or training in working with DID. the novel alternates between jonathan bliss writing masturbatory exposition on how accomplished he is, taking random potshots at andrea (his patient) for being fat and mentally ill, and long recollections of andrea's trauma that seem to serve only as exposition on how crazy she is without any empathy - the equivalent of saying "isn't that fucked up?" and moving on. with the things jonathan bliss admits to in his own writing, he should have had his license taken away. the only feeling of catharsis or relief you will get from this book is when you learn that jonathan bliss has since died. content warnings for incest, csa, animal death, animal abuse, suicide.

the haunted self - multiple authors

5 out of 5. this one is kind of cheating because i haven't finished it yet - i'm about halfway through. regardless, it's radically shifted how i understand structural dissociation and its relations to traumagenic disorders - not just DID! the only negative i can list is that it's a little dry - if you're not used to reading academic texts, you might find it hard to parse. however i think the text itself more than makes up for it.

‼️ the incest diary - author unattributed

4 out of 5. i really, really, really struggle with writing about this one because it's a difficult read. part of what makes it triggering is that it describes aspects of csa that nobody really talks about, i think out of revulsion. my experience reading it could best be summarized as: yeah, that's what it was like, but i don't want to think about it. regardless of how much it repulsed my "main" self, i can acknowledge that some parts of my system felt understood in ways that other readings haven't given them. regardless, it's a really difficult read, and it's equally difficult to talk about. content warnings for... well, it's in the title.

the magic daughter - jane phillips

5 out of 5. the reasons why i loved this one so much are more personal than objective, but i still loved it nonetheless. jane's life has lined up in ways that are uncanny compared to my own. particularly, i thought it was refreshing to see a system that operates more similarly to my own: no defined identities or internal world, but there nonetheless. content warning for csa and incest, though the depictions are fairly brief. the bulk of the book focuses on jane's adult life, how she manages her DID, and the therapeutic process.

[just-a-dead-kid]

Anyone else get stuck in deep depressions over being programmed? (tw abuse descriptions, trafficking mention, CSA, ed/sh mention, drug mention)

Sometimes I get stuck thinking about how it must have looked, how I must have looked, tied up and beaten and worse, in that tiny little kid body, and I just lose all will to go on. To keep breathing. It feels like an insult to that little kid that endured. And other times I don't have that distance, I think about it and I'm right back there with my rapists, right there where the deacon can do whatever he wants to me, and I freeze. I relive his brutality and invasion all over again. I choke on it. And it reminds me of begging, bartering my body in exchange for my life, while they take it and keep squeezing anyway, laughing all the while at my ignorance.

I can't escape it in my dreams, nor when I'm awake. You could say I'm haunted by it.

It feels like there's nothing left for me here sometimes. Like there's no point in trying because these memories will always torment me.

I wish I could make it not be real. I wish my life was the way I remembered it years ago. Before... All this. Before I knew what organized abuse was. Before I knew I grew up in a cult. Before I remembered being trafficked.

I've tried starving it out, cutting it out, drugging it out, smoking it out, and nothing makes the pain any less. I still relive it all in my nightmares, I still think about it every minute I'm awake. I still wish I died back there. And it's so fucked up that I'm mourning the fact that the abuse didn't kill me like I was tricked into believing.

If one could drown in memory I'd be six feet under by now.

Nothing I've done or said or tried has ever helped with this feeling.

Distraction is the best I can do from this. Distraction, and chainsmoking cigarettes and dabs.

The holiday still has its claws in my back.

#lurch.txt #ramcoa #tbmc #cult survivor #ramcoa vent #tw programming #tw csa #tw trafficking

[the-bjd-community-confess]

TW: Sexualization of (fictional) minors discussion/CSA mentions

Mod: Batch post 2 to help people avoid the topic if needed.

1. Idc, people who don’t dress and photograph YOSDs like children are creepy af. If you’re dressing your YOSD in lingerie that’s weird as hell and gross.

~Anonymous

2. "child sex sells" what the fuck is wrong with you? shut the fuck up. touch grass. see light. no the hell it does not. can you be fucking normal for five goddamn minutes? god just delete tumblr and get the fuck away from this and all other hobbies you are the worst sort of human being and i hope you get the help you desperately need because you are seeing child abuse in everything and that, i promise you, is a freakass problem to have. why are you like this???

~Anonymous

3. did NOT want to read the vomitous take of "ch*ld s*x sells" on the doll blog today!!!

~Anonymous

4. fandoms full of """child abuse"""

hi mod it's me again, i'm sorry in advance but this fucking topic makes me actually furious and as long as the most sheltered infants on earth continue to submit brain-dead takes on this subject, i'm going to keep showing up in your dms. CW for discussion of actual abuse, hard subjects in general, etc.

(i would put the read more here) [Mod: I hope you don't mind this format instead Anon, this confession deserves its own post but I want to shield readers from the topic if possible with the batchposting 💜]

ok but that's just it, as a fucking csa survivor, most of the "fandoms full of CSA" literally! have none of that! whatsoever! in any capacity! you shitty godforsaken little heathens call sfw romance between two fictional teenagers in a tv show incest-coded, you call grown ass-adults in animated works "child-coded" and justify that as the same as goddamn ABUSE OF REAL LIFE HUMAN BEINGS, and you doxx creators and send them death threats and clog up report lines for real life actual human victims about your fictional bullshit. you are the worst and i want you and anyone who reads this and feels offended by this description to know that you are helping no one and annoying everyone.

do you know what real victims are victimized by? not fiction. not any fiction. not inanimate objects! literally write a story about fictional children being victimized for the plot, and it will not hurt me. if it hurts you, fair! stop reading it. go outside. your Personal Discomfort is not you being abused. learn the fucking difference perhaps! it will not make me... do you have any idea how hard it is to talk about this without getting so extremely goddamn personal? do you have any idea how much it sucks to have to have this discussion over and over and over? do you realize that roughly 10 years ago everyone with a braincell agreed on this point and it's only the last decade that people have been so radicalized to think that wrongthink is real? no, of course not, because most of the people who believe that fiction and reality are 1:1 in how one affects the other have no practical experience with any of the subjects upon which they have the audacity to speak.

listen. i am not going to go into my upbringing. i am not going to tell you what it was like to be raised in a household like mine where actual abuse was genuinely normalized. all i will say is that i was raised in a culture where this sort of abuse was normal and certain types of relationships between adults and minors were considered... sanctioned by the powers that be. are you picking up what i'm laying down? do not talk to me about your good intentions. the fucking argument that fictional content, drawings and toys and all that other inconsequential shit, that it's tantamount to a crime? buddy. bestie! amigo! compadre! that's the same logic that was used to make sure my upbringing was as sheltered and controlled as possible so that the "corrupting influences" of the outside world didn't give us the "wrong ideas". like i truly don't know how you did it but you've reinvented the toxic mindset i grew up hearing! and you are completely blind to it. boggles my fucking brain.

i just want to shake the people who say this shit with a straight face. "wow so violent op maybe you're the toxic one" yeah boy i'm toxic i've been in therapy for most of my life and will continue to be until i am dead. the fucking DRAWING CARTOON PORN IS INDOCTRINATING MINORS WRITING StORIES WHERE BAD THINGS HAPPEN IS THE SAME AS HARMING A REAL HUMAN crowd are just the same religious wrongthink crowd with a more recent birth-year and a rainbow hat. "anyone can say anything online i don't believe you" cool i don't give a shit. how do you want me to prove it, doxxing myself? you wanna see the fucking recordings anon? think before you speak. first time for everything.

i like this hobby. i enjoy my dumb little dolls and their stupid little faces, i enjoy the peace in changing their style and redoing their faceups, i enjoy being able to represent a diversity of appearances, identities, to make everyone queer and slutty because i'm making up for the lost time in my life where that was not on the table for me. i do Not fucking relish seeing the braindead anti arguments creeping into this hobby and shitting up another thing that myself and other survivors would like to enjoy in peace and quiet.

so let me tell you, from the bottom of my heart, even though no one who needs to hear it will bother to listen to the words of a survivor because it goes against your superiority complex against those nasty fiction enjoyers:

shut the fuck up.

sincerely, god, everyone, and especially survivors of CSA and other abuse against minors.

~Anonymous

#BJD #ABJD #BJD Confessions #Community Confessions

[zainmalik]

tw: sexual abuse, tw: csa

coming to terms with the fact i was sexually abused as a kid, by someone who i trusted, who my parents trusted, has been really hard and painful. for years i pretended that it hadn’t been nothing. that i was fine. after all it wasn’t sexual abuse because this person didn’t touch me right?

as you all know, i’m majoring in education. as a part of it you have to read on child sexual abuse. while i was reading, i found out there are two ways to be sexually abused: physical and non-physical, and what i had been subjected to was listed there. one night, when my parents had an event and my brother and i were left in her care, she showed me pornography. she described everything that was happening enthusiastically, while i couldn’t understand what was happening. she was also making sure my parents weren’t coming back so she wouldn’t be caught. after that, whenever my parents were out and we were alone she would invite me to watch it, despite me saying no she would go to my room and do it, leaving the door open so i couldn’t miss the sounds and scenes. i was 9 years old. she was 17.

i began reflecting on everything that happened to me after what she did. the sexual intrusive thoughts, the way my mindset changed completely, my behavior and actions, the fear and anxiety, becoming very overprotective of my brother, having a terrible relationship with sex and not wanting to be touched that way. everything that has been tormenting me since that day. i was in shock. as i said, i grew up telling myself it had been nothing, but looking back, i realized it did so much damage to me. i’ve been dealing with the trauma for years, without acknowledging it. since then, i’ve been having breakdowns. i’ve been crying. for a couple of days i felt sad. right now i just feel numb to it. overwhelmingly tired

my parents don’t know. i’m not ready to tell them yet. the people that know have been wonderful. my therapist knows, and i’m getting the help that i need. it’s going to take a while for me to recover. i don’t know how i will, but i know i can’t give up

the reason i’m sharing this is because i want to bring awareness to the fact child sexual abuse can occur in many ways. these are some of the resources i read that explain it. warning for descriptions of abuse

https://www.childrenscove.org/child-abuse/what-is-child-abuse/

https://inhope.org/EN/articles/what-is-child-sexual-abuse

https://preventchildabusenc.org/resource-hub/about-child-sexual-abuse/

stay safe everyone. i love you so much

#logan.txt #tw: sa #tw: csa

[dogmetaph0r]

TW: CSA in canon character backstories

—

I know there are a number of fics that deal with the common headcanon that tommy was SA’d as a child, which I do think makes sense considering his VERY unhealthy relationship with sex and his own bodily autonomy. But…..I haven’t seen any that suggest Alfie has experienced that trauma, which is wild because according to TGoAS it’s canonically something he went through pretty often. It’s a throwaway line compared to most of his tangents, but this regular abuse was so damaging that he fully credits it with his opinion of organized religion, which is something we know is an integral part of Alfie’s philosophy.

Ofc I don’t begrudge anyone for not noticing it, because it really is just a singular sentence that’s bookended by very vivid descriptions of his father and his childhood bullies, but the casualness with which he describes what the creepy priest in his neighborhood did set my hair on end. It reminds me so much of Tommy’s analysis that “everyone is a whore”, like some part of both of them see themselves as damaged or utilitarian for what they’ve been forced to do.

So from that (plus the dissociative, similarly casual way he reacts to the trauma from later in his life) I kinda wanna see more character work fics that delve into Alfie’s mental health and the (again, canonical!) abuse he went through. Idk I just feel like he deserves to have that pain acknowledged and understood even if he won’t do it himself gjcjsnfjg.

But anyway, do people have any alfie centric fics to recommend that go thru the topics covered by TGoAS?? I think one take I’d love to see is that Alfie was so particularly upset by Tommy’s accusation that he helped Charlie’s kidnapper BECAUSE he himself had gone through CSA by a creepy priest facilitated by a parent who, willfully or not, didn’t pay enough attention to his whereabouts. Even if it isn’t the abuse/neglect portion, I do rlly appreciate hearing how his childhood shaped him and his outlook on life. (Side note, I don’t think Tommy was to blame for what happened at all, but I think in his anger Alfie certainly implied it, and I think his past is the reason why)

But I mean, hey, if I gotta put out the character study I wanna see in the world, so be it 💪

#barking

[gayofthefae]

TW: brief allusion to Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA)

Thinking about the patterns of trunks, bathtubs, the phrase “it’ll all be over soon”, and leaning over people like that that the mind flayer has and how there was a theory about Will’s triggers but that was before we knew the Mind Flayer was a person with his own trauma.

Thinking about how in Nancy’s vision, Henry literally played Papa and told Nancy “it’ll all be over soon”, which wasn’t in the original scene he was replaying.

Thinking about how vague the descriptions of his childhood are.

Thinking about how vague even “I know what he did to you; he hurt you” is. Electrocution is one thing in many years of being there.

Thinking about El’s drawing on the wall of her room in the lab where Papa has “three legs”. Thinking about El’s initial lack of understanding of dressing in private. Thinking about CSA and child psychology and drawings.

Thinking about drawings being a theme - El drawing right before Henry’s escape attempt with her, El’s drawing of her with the cat and Papa, Will’s drawings and escapism through them like his drawing of Castle Byers, Henry’s drawings and escapism through them like his design of the mind flayer.

Thinking about spiders in the bathtub for his mother and how every other attack was a personal attack on an act they had committed.

Thinking about how spiders ‘paralyze the weak’. Thinking about “frozen” “frozen like cold” “no. like when you’re so scared you can’t move.” Thinking about how Will was paralyzed by Henry in fear both as the mind flayer and as the Demogorgon in the shed in the first episode.

Henry is replaying his own trauma on others and it’s visible through consistent repetition of triggers.

#stranger thing #henry creel #jane hopper

[fat-fem-and-asian]

Dagmara Dominczyk Filmography Review w/ Links Dag has had a great career! I think you can see her shift towards more interesting and prestige projects as she gets older, especially in the past 5-ish years, which is really interesting. Movies w/ her Polish accent have a ★ in the title, ♡ denote my favorites. If a movie isn't included, then I didn't want to watch it or couldn't find it lol. Additionally, I watched most of these projects on soap2day or flixxer!

Keeping the Faith - I could not find her in this? I think she might be improperly labeled on IMDb. Please send reinforcements and watch this Ben Stiller/Edward Norton/Jenna Elfman religious romcom.

Third Watch - Accessible on Tubi Procedural about first responders - Dag plays a morally dubious counselor that one of the EMTs gets the hots for. I actually beg everyone to watch this for a gorgeous shot of Dag over a voiceover "this chick is hot. if liz hurley and that other european chick who was in that one bond movie had a love child, this chick would be it" fair description! Rock Star ★ - Musical drama where Dag plays Tania, PR for a rock band and their resident hot girl. She's not in it a ton, but she's got a great scene where she gets to make out with Jennifer Aniston. Spoilers + transphobia CW - it's revealed midway that Tania is a trans woman, and while not really played for laughs, Mark Wahlberg's character is uncomfortable around her afterwards and she's effectively removed from the plot. The Count of Monte Cristo ♡ - Free on Youtube hell yeah! Dag plays Mercedes, the primarily love interest. She appears in the beginning scenes and after the 2/3 mark, but is pivotal to the plot. she's in some really gorgeous dresses and i assume the crew loved her because she looks fantastic the entire time. also, super great deleted scene here @ the 7 minute mark. They - On youtube! Unfortunately dull horror movie. Dag plays Terry, one of the adults experiencing night terrors based on childhood events. She only appears in a handful of scenes, but has a solo scene around the halfway point. It's alright? SVU ★ - On Hulu and Peacock. TW for CSA and graphic depictions of murder (its SVU). we all know SVU. if you don't im sorry you've missed out on the epic highs and lows of watching people get the shit knocked out of them and for a detective to connect it back to some random man they knew in high school. Dag has a prominent guest episode role as Kate, appearing at the halfway mark as a Europol agent who helps one of the characters track down a child trafficker. A lot of her walking around gorgeously and what's frankly, a great performance! She plays sensitive but firm detective very well. On Hulu and Peacock. CSA tw- suggestive images are shown of an actress who was 19 at the time, but portrayed at 14.

Tough Luck ★ - On Tubi. Please watch it. Honestly, I think worth the watch just for how weird it is. Dag plays Divana, the female lead and wife of a circus. owner. you read that right! there's a plot twist and i won't tell you what it is, but just know. i did not see it coming. On Tubi. Please watch it.

Bad Apple - I'm not even sure what to say about this movie? Dag plays Gina in a crime (?) thriller. She's sprinkled throughout the movie and is the main love interest for some guy. I genuinely enjoyed this movie but I'd suggest watching it under the influence of something to maximize the viewing experience. The Five People You Meet in Heaven - on vimeo Religious made for TV movie set in the 1940s/50s. Dag plays Marguerite, the main character's wife and oh my god she is so pretty. she's so gorgeous and talented. what was i saying? its set in a boardwalk? okay. i'll even ignore the weird racist subplot with like. a genie. sometimes we have to pay the fucking bills okay. 24 - on Hulu. Who the hell made this show up? 24 is a drama series where every season takes place in 24 hours and every episode is one hour of the day. Insane concept. Dag appears briefly as an evil lady - she's got a gun and looks great and wears some gorgeous earrings. Trust the Man - 2000s romcom! Dag has a brief role as Pamela and goes on a date with one of the male leads, there's a follow up scene where they talk briefly. Not a lot of screen time, but you know. If you're in a bad romcom mood. Mentor - on youtube Dag has the lead female role as Julia, a graduate assistant who's romantically involved with an older writing professor. She is great in this, injecting a bunch of charisma into a fairly bland film. Lonely Hearts - Warning for Jared Leto and moderate violence. Drama based on the real life murderers Martha Beck and Ray Fernandez - Dag plays Delphine, one of their victims. Dag is once again, a real talent and can truly transform what's on the page. She's got a brutal scene where she confesses her pregnancy to Salma Hayek that she executes perfectly. Also, she looks absolutely stellar in the 1940s styling. She appears around the 2/3 mark, which I recommend skipping to to minimize your Leto exposure. Helena from the Wedding - On Pluto Tangent time! My friends on discord and I made this horrific little fake movie universe called Going Down with all of our favorite middle aged actresses (including Dag and Melanie Lynskey). and who is in this? Melanie and Dag! They're paired together and have nice chemistry in this indie drama. It's pretty slow and they're scattered throughout the film, but I still recommend watching for Dag's microbangs.

Higher Ground ★ ♡ - on Roku. Do not. ask me about this film. don't even bring it in my vicinity. Dag plays Annika, the best friend to Vera Farmiga's religious main character. Dag is fantastic, she's witty and charming to Vera's more demure character and they are super homoerotic. Like Tough Luck, I actually beg you to watch this. The Good Wife ♡- On Amazon for free. Lawyer procedural - Dag has a prominent guest role as a lawyer(?) for a South American company. Honestly she's not given much, but I love her suit. I mean, its the good wife, it's like pretty good. Suits - On Netflix and Peacock Dude this is the show Megan Markle is in? Huh? Anyways - Dag has a brief role as a woman who faced sexual discrimination in her workplace. She's only got 2 scenes, but she's like...there! Felix the Painter -On Vimeo A short film about a struggling artist, but more importantly, Dagmara looking stunning and speaking french. Go girls! On Vimeo Person of Interest - Free on Amazon - TW for domestic violence Dag plays a woman helped by the main characters in escaping her abusive husband. Not the most creative role ever, but Dag does well with the stuff she's given, especially in a really short timeframe. The Immigrant ★ - On Pluto - TW for domestic violence and nudity. Dag has a minor role as Belva, one of the burlesque performers working for Joaquin Pheonix's character. She's only got three scenes, two in the beginning and one closer to the 2/3 mark, so not much to say, but a good film overall. Jack Strong - On Tubi A Polish drama featuring her husband Patrick Wilson, Dag plays a FBI agent going undercover in Poland during the Cold War. While Dag's role is fairly minor, her real life history as a Polish immigrant who fled to the US due to her father's political ties makes it worth the watch. It is, however, NUTS that she didn't actually get to play a pole. what the hell guys.

Boardwalk Empire - On HBO Dag has a guest role as a drunk bar patron. She's engaging to watch and I mean, it's Boardwalk Empire. Worth the watch. Let's Kill Ward's Wife - On Youtube A dark comedy film made with some of her friends and husband, Dag plays Ward's wife and does. guess what. get murdered! She's insufferable (but ngl I was on her character's side), which means she did her job well, but jesus. I could not stand this film.

The Deuce - On HBO Dag's got a brief role as a. adult film consultant? and wears a pretty turtleneck and has curly hair in this 70s drama. This is where she met Maggie Gyllenhaal, who would go on to cast her in The Lost Daughter! Also, apparently Dag's scenes were heavily cut down in this episode :(

Abe - On Youtube Dag plays ARIAN MOAYED's wife. It's a drama about a half Israeli, half Palestinian family. Unfortunatley, in light of Noah Schnapp's actions surrounding the genocide occuring in Palestine, I would suggest you not watch.

Prodigal Son ★- Free on the CW Drama series! Dag has a small guest spot as an assassin called the Nightingale. She looks great and gets a fun fight sequence! The Assistant - On HBO Maybe this film was good? I don't know. I was hunting for Dag and she got ONE LINE at the VERY END. Mattmac jumpscare halfway in and his big sad horse eyes.

The Lost Daughter ♡ - On Netflix Drama featuring the Olivia Colman! Dag plays Callie, pregnant sister in law to Dakota Johnson's character. I watched this movie when it came out and did not recognize Dag at all! She's scattered throughout and I barely understood this film, but, oh Dag. Her Jersey(?) accent was a beacon of light to my confusion.

We Own this City ♡ - On HBO- Warning for graphic violence and police brutality. Biopic about the Baltimore Police Department's Gun Trace Task Force and the horrific corruption that took place. Dag has a supporting role as Erika, a FBI agent investigating the Task Force. Not a super prominent role since the show balances between flash backs and the investigation, but a well made show that's very worth the watch. She gets to play a flute. The Accidental Wolf ★- I did not see this but Arian Moayed wrote and directed this? Succ supporting cast I love you! You can find Dag presenting Arian an AAM award here. My Love Affair with Marriage ♡ ★ Dag plays the lead in this funky animated film about womanhood and marriage. Honestly on first watch it wasn't my favorite, but I've really come to love it's weird musical numbers and plot. Dag has a great vocal performance as Zelma, she really has some magnetic quality to her voice. Succession ♡ ★- On HBO Dag plays Karolina Novotney, head of Communications in this drama series. The show is a little slow and honestly not for me-- can you imagine. No, Succession is the series of all time and she plays THE Karolina Novotney, hot lesbian and resident man hater. Give me a scene where she isn't glaring Tom down. Go shivlina, go girls, I'm a fan. She delivers a fantastic and subtle performance, particularly in the fourth season. I love you Karolina Novotney. Bottoms ♡♡♡♡♡- BEST MOVIE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dag plays a milf Priscilla ♡ - On HBO. Dag plays Ann Beaulieu, Priscilla's mom. She's pretty wonderful in this as well and gets to show off such a wide range of emotions. I love anything period piecey and Priscilla is a greattt film that actually engages with the crazy power dynamic between Elvis and Priscilla. Love Miller's Girl - On Netflix This movie was nottt for me, BUT. I loveee Dag's character in this. She's a mean horny lady named Beatrice and I swear to god my mind was REWIRED hearing Dag say "Or are some cunts....remarkable?" Honestly blows everyone else out of the water since they're doing these godawful Tennessee accents.

Congrats if you made it to the end of this review! Feel free to message me or send an ask if you watch any of these.

#dagmara dominczyk #still need to watch hello tomorrow oops ! #dag if you see this im sorry in advance i think you're awesome! i would not go thru ur entire filmography if i thought otherwise #terrified anytime someone has a tumblr #my posts

[az-cain]

I’m Sorry. I’m Sorry. I’m Sorry.

Jake Seresin ≈ 800 words

This is based entirely on my experiences with PTSD, which is from CSA not war or grief. My apologies if it’s inaccurate to your experiences, but please do not invalidate my own.

TW FOR: First person descriptions of PTSD, descriptions of dead bodies, delusion related to PTSD, self-hatred, alcoholism as a coping mechanism, denial of PTSD/mental illness

@tgm-all4one

Fire. The world’s engulfed in fire. Stench. The world smells like your burning flesh, scorching metal and glass. The oil of the F-14 burns on top of the water, the blue water turning black. The fuselage is floating, bodies glaring in the afternoon light. Your brown eyes stare at the sky, Captain Mitchell’s eyes obscured by bloody water.

Tears. I feel hot tears streak down my face as I hover in the rescue heli. They’re striking my visor. I can’t see. Stop crying. Stop crying. Men don’t cry. Stop crying. It’s part of the job. Stop crying.

Echoes. The echoes of Bradshaw’s words fill my ears. The only place you're going to lead anyone is an early grave; the only place you're going to lead anyone is an early grave; the only place—

The bed’s so cold. I should be used to waking up like this, but I’m not. The sheets are wet with my sweat, so I’ll dry my eyes and rise stiffly from the bed, stripping the sheets and walking to the laundry room.

—

It’s consuming me. Maybe Bradshaw’s killed himself. Maybe I wasn’t able to save him. Not in any way that mattered.

No. He’s alive.

But what if he isn’t?

He’s fine.

No he isn’t.

He’s dead.

Fuck, he’s dead.

Fuck, tears are running down my face. I’m sorry, Bradshaw. I wanted to save you.

I know you’re hurting too. I know you wish you’d died back then. You’d be with your family. I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have saved you.

Fuck, my phone is in my hand. His number is pulled up and ringing.

Fuck, he picked up.

“Hey.”

Oh. He’s alive. Don’t say anything. Maybe he’ll think it was a butt dial. God, I wanna say something.

“Hangman?”

“Don’t call me that.” Shit. I don’t wanna be Hangman. I’m Jake, let me be Jake. Let me be Jake.

“Oh. Okay. Seresin. What’s up?”

I was convinced you’d killed yourself. I don’t know if I made the right choice saving you. It got me disciplined. No, that’s not why. Fuck. It was worth it, but do you think so? Do you want to live?

“I’m just checking in on you. Difficult day today, anniversary and all, you know?”

“Yeah.” You swallow so loudly. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stress you out. “It’s definitely been that. And you? Was it hard for you?”

God yes. It was so hard. I haven’t stopped crying all day. My throat hurts. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts.

“Not too bad. I wasn’t the one who almost died, I was mostly just concerned for you.”

“Oh. Well yeah, but you took someone else’s life that day. I’d get it if you were a little stressed.”

Yeah. I did. My second person I’ve murdered. That pilot had a family. Neither of you did. Maybe they should have lived. You two could have died and not been missed so dearly. But I would have missed you. God, I’m so selfish. I’m sorry.

“I’m alright. Just making sure you’re alright.”

“Yeah, Seresin. I’ll make it.”

“Good. Have a good night, Bradshaw.”

“You, too.”

—

This stupid fucking bottle is empty. I didn’t drink it all. I took a glass last night. I know this is a problem. My throat hurts. All the lights are on in the house. I’m scared of the dark again. I can see everything so clearly. My eyes hurt. Fuck. I can't see anything.

I need to vomit. I can't walk. The bathroom is so far away. Oh. I have a trash can. It’s closer. I stumble towards it, falling onto my knees with a groan. Dammit. I’m so useless. Why am I still sobbing? I’m good for nothing, a sissy. They all made it out, you fucking moron. Everyone’s fine but you. Come on. Come on. Come on.

I hurl into the trash can. It tastes really bad. Like stomach acid and whiskey, because that’s pretty much all that’s in it. I think I should lay down. So I will. I’ll lay down right here and sleep.

—

The sun hurts my eyes. The kitchen window is letting too much light in. I wonder what time it is. Usually the light doesn’t come through this window until about noon. I’m trying to cover my eyes, but they still hurt as I look at the clock. 1300. It’s late. I had a date this morning.

Too bad, I guess. Good for nothing.

I should call her. Apologize. Or maybe the military therapist. Apologize. Nah. I’ll be fine. I’ll deal with it on my own.

At least there were no nightmares tonight.

#tgm-all4one #tgmall4one #hurt no comfort #hurt/no comfort #angst #ptsd #tgm #top gun maverick #hangman #Jake hangman seresin #Jake seresin #hangman angst #Jake hangman seresin angst #jake seresin angst #tgm angst #top gun maverick angst #top gun maverick fanfiction