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artificialqueens · 6 years

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Here I Go Again! (Group Fic) - Chapter Three - pureCAMP

A/N - ta-dah!!! i hope everyone enjoys this next installment and i promise u im working hard hard hard on my other fics as well as trying to study for school - which obviously has to take priority x

Voulez-Vous - Gimme, Gimme, Gimme! - Our Last Summer - Under Attack

It was almost impossible to keep track of what was going on. As the hen party began, Trixie found all different types of alcohol being poured down her throat, with cheers erupting every time something was drained or spilt in some way. She’d been dancing, with no recollection of any of the songs, and then all of a sudden her mom and friends were on the stage.

That had to be the highlight of the night. Trixie felt oddly starstruck, even as she danced with her mom. Her entire lifetime had been spent with her mom, singing and dancing to get through the days, but she hadn’t expected The Supermodels to come across like real superstars as they had.

“Hey there, gorgeous!”

Trixie spun dizzily on her heel, gasping in delight as her eyes fell upon Brian. The stag do had supposedly been fancy dress, although the costumes had long been discarded in the heat of the warm summer night. Brian was shirtless, his hair slightly damp, and he held a necklace of delicate pearls and seashells in his hand.

“Guess what I retrieved for you?” He almost shouted, trying to be heard over the music. “Let me see it on you!”

She smiled knowingly. The age old story of Aphrodite��s necklace was one that the islanders all knew, and it was tradition that on the eve of the wedding, the groom dived down to try and retrieve it. Supposedly, it ensured a perfect marriage and a life of happiness for the couple. However - and Brian didn’t know this, but Trixie wasn’t going to tell him - it was also tradition to plant a necklace near the corals, for the unsuspecting groom to find.

“What’s going on?” She laughed. “Why are the guys crashing the party? It’s supposed to be no boys allowed!”

Brian grinned. “We got bored! What’s a man without his woman? He’s nothing!”

Next to her, Sharon put her hands on her hips. “And what’s a woman without a man? Successful, that’s what. Go on, lovebirds, don’t be shy. I’m gonna go and dance with Jinkx.”

As they watched her go, shaking her hips and dancing, Brian shook his head. “Shit. Your mom is cool.”

Trixie snorted. “Right?! I want to be as cool as her when I’m her age. I want to be a cool mom too.”

Brian’s eyes lit up. “Oh, you will be. Think I’ll be a cool dad?”

He flexed his biceps, wiggling his eyebrows in a manner that was supposed to be seductive, Trixie assumed. In spite of herself, she giggled.

“A crazy dad, maybe. I wish I had a dad.”

She couldn’t help it. It seemed too late in the game to tell Brian what she’d done, but with the alcohol clouding her mind, she was more open than she wanted to be. The party was amazing, and she was enjoying herself fully, but in the back of her mind she was still disheartened that she didn’t know which guy was her dad. Before, she’d been certain she’d know straight away. Now she wasn’t so sure at all.

“Come on, Trix.” Brian gently cupped her face, keeping her away from the sea of moving bodies. “You don’t need a dad. I think I’ll get jealous if there’s more than one man in your life. You’re my only girl - I want to be your only guy.”

Trixie’s heart skipped a beat. “You big old softie… But I think you’re gonna hurt mom’s feelings. She’s not your girl?”

Brian laughed. “Sharon? She’s not anybody’s girl! She’s the strong independent type, she doesn’t need me. She’s nobody’s girl.”

She used to be Justin’s girl, Trixie found herself thinking. And Jaremi’s, and Willam’s. And I’m still no closer to finding out which one is my dad.

It bothered her more than she wanted to admit. There was no indication as to which one could possibly be the right guy. Trixie resembled her mom so closely that she didn’t really look like any of them. All of the dates were so close together that it was anybody’s game. And she knew that for once in her life, her mom didn’t have the answer.

“Babe? Trix, you there?”

Blinking, Trixie realized she’d spaced out. “Sorry! I’m here. I, uh…”

In the corner of her eye, she spotted a familiar head of blonde hair, dancing up a storm next to a group of young men and women who were cheering him on. With a jolt, she recognized who it was.

“Brian, will you dance with mom? I have something I wanna do real quick!”

Leaving her confused fiancé no choice, Trixie dashed away, threading herself through the crowd towards where Willam was dancing. Upon spotting her, he broke away from the group.

“Trixie! Last night of freedom, huh?” His voice was jovial.

“Uh, yeah, I guess…” She murmured distractedly, looking for an escape. “I need to talk to you, can we…?”

Understanding immediately, Willam nodded. They made their way out of the courtyard, heading out to one of the balconies that looked over the whole island. With the moon reflecting off the gentle rippling waves, and the music fading to a quieter, more manageable level, Trixie felt a little bit calmer. It wasn’t much, but it was something.

“It feels good to be partying back on this island, you know. Definitely brings back memories, especially with your mother being here. I haven’t had a chance to speak to her properly yet.”

Willam leant against the wall, mirroring Trixie as he stared out at the sea. Trixie breathed deeply, trying to calm her nerves.

“That’s probably a good thing.” She shuddered. “I’m starting to think this was a bad idea… I really thought she’d be happy to see you guys.”

He chuckled. “Listen, Trix - there’s no point lying. Your mother found us, and we each gave our excuses. She doesn’t know it was you, but she sure as hell knows that we’re here.”

“She wasn’t happy about it, was she?” Trixie asked glumly.

Willam shook his head. “Not quite. She mostly seemed mad at that Justin guy, though he seems pretty nice. Now, Sharon… she’s never talked about us, has she?”

“If we’re coming clean… then no. Never.”

“You found out about us, somehow. You’re as sneaky as your mother, I’d wager. But why us? And why now?”

Trixie lowered her head. “Willam… I think you know why. My birthday is in mid-April… nine months after Justin, Jaremi and you all found this island and my mother with it.”

One of us is your father.” Willam’s voice was quiet, like he didn’t want anyone to overhear. Trixie was incredibly grateful for it.

“And I don’t know which.” Trixie sighed. “There’s no evidence either way. I don’t know, you don’t know, I don’t even think mom knows.”

Willam tentatively squeezed her hand, unsure of whether it was an appropriate amount of contact or not. “Trixie, if you don’t figure it out by tomorrow, I just want to say… It’d be an honour to walk you down the aisle. My husband will get a kick out of it. Fancy me having a daughter.”

“Thanks, Willam. What’s this about a husband?”

The blonde man grinned. “Sharon doesn’t know this, but she’s the first and last woman I ever loved or, uh… touched, I suppose. Through no fault of hers, I realized women weren’t quite what I wanted. I mean, girl… you understand me. I’ve met your Brian, he’s cute.”

“Hands off.” Trixie smiled. “I should let you go back to the party now. Sorry about all this confusion and drama.”

Willam shrugged. “I live for drama. I’m off to get a cocktail.”

It felt as though a weight had been lifted off of Trixie’s chest - but she still didn’t feel good. In fact, as the weight was lifted, it felt as though a rope was constricting her insides. One person knew the truth, and time was running out. In just a few hours, everyone would know.

Re-entering the party, Trixie was utterly overwhelmed. Music throbbed in her ears. Someone grabbed her hand for a dance, spinning her and flinging her somewhere into the middle of the dancefloor. Sweaty, grinding bodies pushed her this way and that. Heels trod on her feet. Backs slammed into her. The air smelt of alcohol and she wasn’t sure she could even still breathe.

Someone was calling her name, but the voice didn’t sound right. It was as if they were speaking underwater, garbled and confused. Trixie blindly stumbled forwards, falling straight into somebody’s arms at the edge of the party.

“Trixie?”

“Jaremi!”

He was drunk, clearly. His skin was tinged a merry red, his clothes slightly dishevelled and stained from dancing and drinking. Sweat glistened on his forehead. Even though he hadn’t been on the island for long, Trixie had gathered that he wasn’t particularly social. When she returned to the three men she’d hidden at the back of the resort, she’d talked for a long while with Willam and Justin, but Jaremi had wandered off to be alone. It seemed that alcohol had loosened his tongue considerably.

“Oh, my god.” He set his drink down, leaning Trixie against the wall. “I’m your dad!”

“Not so loud!” Trixie squeaked. “I - I just… Please keep this a secret! I can’t have anyone knowing!”

Jaremi nodded. “Absolutely, I nill wot - no, I will not tell a single soul. Until tomorrow when I walk you down the aisle.”

“What?!” Trixie screeched. Panic was rising.

“It’s a father’s duty to give his daughter away!” Jaremi declared, far too loud for Trixie’s comfort. “You sent those invites hoping for your old pops to walk you to your husband, and I accept! Congratulations!”

She was thrust back into the party once again. Trixie was aware that she was sweating, but her body was wracked with shivers. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

Wobbling over to the drinks, Trixie selected the nearest bottle and downed as much as she possibly could without having to breathe, and then some. There didn’t seem to be any other way to solve the mess she’d gotten herself into.

She needed to just let go altogether.

Trixie had made her way into the centre of all the dancers before she realized it was a mistake. A loud and familiar song was playing, and everyone had begun the well-known choreography, holding hands and swapping partners and moving around in dizzying circles. The entire courtyard was encircled in dancers, kicking their legs out and threading back and forwards surprisingly well considering the combined amount of alcohol that had been drunk.

A few lines of people away, Brian grinned widely at her. Her mom, arm in arm with Jinkx and Raja, blew a kiss and a smile. Naomi and Kim were dancing together. Scattered in each of the lines were her three hugest problems, the three men she’d fucked up massively by inviting.

Justin made eye contact with her across the lines, his gaze unwavering through the weaving and clashing of the dancers. Even through her drunken haze, Trixie could read the message in Justin’s eyes clear as day - We need to talk. A horrible, nagging feeling in Trixie’s chest told her that she knew exactly what would be the topic of the conversation. Everything was happening all at once.

When the song ended, Justin was quick to approach, leading her away from the speakers and dancers so that they could talk properly. He was breathing heavily, his hair pushed back as though he’d been raking his fingers through it. Judging by the revelation that Trixie was sure he’d been hit with, it wouldn’t be a surprise at all.

“Why didn’t Sharon tell me?!” He demanded, sounding distressed. “All these years you’ve been here, and I didn’t know!”

Trixie bit her lip. “Justin, I-”

“She should’ve told me! I-I would never have left if I knew! Trixie, am I your father?” Justin’s eyes were filled with hurt, shining bright under the moonlight.

Trixie’s heart felt heavy. “I think so!” She told him. “But mom didn’t know about me! Not until long after you were gone!”

Justin sighed. Despite the loud music, Trixie heard it clearly. He sounded pained, like the news was hurting him.

“Why did you leave my mom?”

He turned away, this time facing the horizon with his back to the celebrations. “I had to… It was the right thing to do! At least, I thought it was. I was wrong.”

Trixie began to lead Justin away, making her way out of the courtyard completely and down towards one of her favourite spots, a small crest in the cliffside. The area was quiet, private, and allowed her to think and stare out at the sea without the distraction of the party.

“Why were you wrong?”

He sighed raggedly. “I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t plan to fall for your mother. I had a fiancée, I needed to go back to her. Even though I knew I didn’t love her, not like I loved Sharon. I didn’t know love until I knew Sharon.”

Trixie sensed that Justin was talking more to himself than he was to her, sorting through his thoughts and feelings. It just so happened that Trixie was there to carry and listen to it, but she didn’t mind. He clearly needed to let it out.

Gently, she touched his arm. “What was she like?”

“The fiancée?”

Trixie shook her head. “My mom.”

“A firecracker.” Justin said, and laughing slightly. “She really was. I remember every moment that I spent with her as though it were only last summer. She has that effect on people. She changed my life forever.”

“Help me fill in the gaps.” Trixie murmured, chewing her lip. “I know a little bit about after you left from my childhood. You know the bits before that. You tell me something, I’ll tell you something.”

Justin smiled, his face kind. Some of the panic in Trixie’s chest began to settle, though she knew it was a trap. She felt calm now, but later it would rise up again and threaten to spill.

“We… we first kissed right on that dock where I arrived yesterday.” He said, his eyes faraway. “It wasn’t too long after we met, but I could’ve sworn I already loved her. She just took my heart and kept it.”

Trixie’s features softened. “But you already had someone else.”

“Yes. No.” Justin sighed. “I don’t know.”

“Mom always told me it was a summer romance.” Trixie admitted. “I kind of accepted that was all I was ever going to know. She’d met somebody and then they left and she had me. As if that was the entire story.”

“Not at all.” Justin whispered. “It was… It was definitely a romance for the ages. But I think we were both afraid, more than anything. We rushed. We never stopped to think.”

“Afraid of what?”

“Growing old. Slowly dying. It was almost as if she was convinced the world was ending, and she had limited time. We were both afraid of growing up into mundanity, so we spent all of our time trying to be amazing. Falling in love and singing and being young. If it’s true, if… if I am your father… I guess I forced her into mundanity. We both became what we didn’t want to.”

Trixie pursed her lips, the new information unsettling her slightly. She wasn’t at all offended at the notion that her mom might not have wanted her at first - she had been eighteen years old, after all - but the knowledge that she had once been desperate and fearful was so strange to her. This was her mom, the woman who had always been proud and strong and brave for as long as Trixie had been alive.

“I don’t think it’s all bad.” Trixie hummed.

Justin nodded in agreement. “She had it better than me. She had good company, eh?” He nudged her arm jokingly.

She smiled. “She said I was a dancer before I could walk. I sang before I could talk.”

“You took after her, that’s why. She strikes me as a good mom, even if it has been twenty years since I’ve known her.”

Trixie knew she shouldn’t say it. The night was already a catastrophe thanks to a plethora of reasons, and this would only add to the complications, but she couldn’t help herself. Her heart was racing; her head was spinning; her stomach was turning.

“Will you give me away tomorrow?”

Her mood worsened the second she’d uttered the words, but Justin’s face morphed into a mask of pride and gratefulness. His eyes shone with newfound happiness.

“Trixie, if that’s what you want, I’ll be there. I have about twenty years of lost time to make up for.”

What have I done?

She wandered back into the party, trying to calm herself.

This was a mistake.

Someone grabbed her hand, pulling her back into the ring of dancing.

I shouldn’t have invited them.

The music was thumping loud. Trixie felt dizzy.

Mom is gonna be so upset.

Darkness began clouding her vision, making her feel woozy.

The wedding is tomorrow.

She started to lose consciousness.

“Trixie? Babe, are you okay? Sharon!”

“Everybody move away from her! Trix, sweetheart, can you hear me?”

“Is everything alright? Is she okay?”

“It’s okay, Trixie. Mommy’s here now, and you’re going to be okay.”

—

Trixie was in a boat.

It was only a small rowing boat, with enough room for two. Opposite her, rowing steadily with strong arms, was her mom. Sharon smiled up at the sun, like she couldn’t get enough of its warmth. Her skin was tanned and freckled. Her blonde hair was slightly wavy, blowing in the gentle breeze. She was much younger than Trixie had ever known her.

Trixie peered down into the water below. She could see Brian - her sweet, loving Brian - fighting desperately against the grasp of some unseen monster. Her heart leapt into her mouth. She had to save him!

As she dived, it was as though the water disappeared. All of a sudden, she was falling down into a dark abyss, with no end in sight. Invisible arms grabbed at her, unintelligible voices spoke to her. She was under attack.

“Come and rescue me!” Trixie cried out. “I’m falling apart!”

A strong hand grabbed her wrist, stopping her fall somehow. Trixie looked up, meeting eyes with Jaremi. He was younger too - his skin smooth, his eyes bright yet dark.

“My daughter…” He spoke tenderly.

“NO!” A cacophony of voices challenged him, each one of them reverberating painfully inside Trixie’s head. It was disorientating.

“My little girl…” Justin took her hand, almost snatching her away from Jaremi.

“NO!” The voices repeated. Trixie’s head spun, her eyesight blurring. She was nauseous.

“Mine…” Willam smiled.

“NO!”

“You don’t need a dad!”

“NO!”

“It’s a father’s duty to give his daughter away!

“NO!”

“Why didn’t Sharon tell me?!”

“NO!”

“One of us is your father!”

“NO!”

The voices drew closer, louder. They were taunting her.

“WHICH ONE, TRIXIE? WHICH ONE’S YOUR DAD?”

“WHO’S YOUR DAD?”

“TRIXIE? HAVE YOU FOUND HIM YET?”

“WHICH ONE?”

Trixie kept falling, screaming and grabbing at nothing as she tried in vain to stop herself. This was what she wanted, wasn’t it? So why was she scared as hell, shaking with fear at the very idea?

“YOU’VE GOT NOWHERE TO GO!” The voices reminded her. “YOU’RE UNDER ATTACK!”

“Please!” Trixie struggled. “Somebody, have a heart!”

“Oh, my god! I’m your dad!”

“I-I would never have left if I knew!”

“Fancy me having a daughter!”

“I want to be your only guy!”

—

She screamed.

“Shh, shh, Trixie. My baby girl. It’s okay, you’re okay.”

Trixie shivered and buried her head into her mom’s chest, letting her heart rate begin to slow as her reassuring hands slowly rubbed her back. She felt like a little kid again, cuddling into mommy’s lap after a scary dream. Even though she was an adult now, she still needed it.

“N-Nightmare…” She stuttered.

Sharon smiled weakly. “Probably stress-induced. You really freaked out back there, is everything okay?”

Trixie nodded, then shook her head. She couldn’t tell the truth. Not now. If she even tried, she was sure that all of the alcohol that she’d consumed would crawl back up her throat and make a mess. No, she definitely couldn’t tell her mom what she’d done.

“J-Just a little overwhelmed.” She paused, hearing faint music. “The party’s still on?”

Sharon nodded. “I got you out of there once you fainted, but it’s only 2.30am. People are still partying. I’m a little relieved to be free, though.”

She stopped for a moment, her eyes searching Trixie’s face. “Something is bothering you, I know it. You can talk to me about anything, I promise.”

Pulling the blankets up to her chin, Trixie decided to be a little bit truthful. “Mom… I’ve gotten myself stuck in a bad situation and I don’t know what to do. I’m so c-confused… I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do.”

For a moment, there was silence.

“You know what to do.” Sharon spoke softly. “You don’t have to do anything at all. You’re young, you have all the time in the world. If you’re feeling afraid, or unsure, you don’t have to have this big wedding-”

Trixie froze. Unreasonable anger bubbled up inside her, fuelled by the alcohol and the stress and the panic. Against her better judgement, she saw red, tearing the covers off and standing up. Her mom leaned back in surprise, eyebrows knitting together.

“What the fuck are you talking about? Why wouldn’t I want to get married?!” She swore, not caring at how her mom’s eyes widened with shock. Trixie never, ever swore at her mom.

Sharon stood up, too. “Hey, calm down! All I’m saying is, if you’re not sure what you want then-”

Trixie shook her head. “No, but I’m sure what you want! You don’t want me to get married, you don’t want me to get it right! I know what I want, I want Brian! You don’t understand!”

“What don’t I understand, then?!” Sharon argued back.

“You don’t understand what it’s like to want to do things the right way!” Trixie yelled, frustrated. “I want to get married! I want to know who I am, get married, and I want my children to grow up with two parents! I want to do the whole marriage-and-babies thing, not just get knocked up like you did!”

As soon as she spoke the words, she regretted them.

Sharon flinched as though she’d been hit. “I didn’t have a choice!”

“You could’ve been a little less careless!” Trixie shouted. “Look at me, mom! I did it all how it’s supposed to be done! I fell in love and I got engaged! I didn’t just - I didn’t just throw all caution to the wind and let my future children grow up not knowing who their dad is! It’s shitty!”

Tears glistened in Sharon’s eyes, but Trixie could see she was fighting tooth and nail to hold them back. “I did everything I could for you, Trixie. I worked whilst I was pregnant until I could no longer stand up and carried on working days after you were born. I slaved to give you a good life, and it wasn’t enough?”

Trixie sniffed, tears forming in her own eyes. “You just don’t understand, mom! You never will!”

“I don’t know why you’re going off on me right now!” Sharon defended herself. “What did I do?!”

“Just leave me alone!” She cried. “Please!”

The day had been too long. The stress had gotten too much. In reality, Trixie wanted nothing more than to clamber into her mom’s lap, the way she did when she was a little kid, snuggle up to her, and breathe in the scent of her perfume as she slowly rocked her to sleep. What she needed was to be held, comforted, for her mom to work that strange motherly magic that she seemed to possess, and make everything better again.

But that wouldn’t happen. She’d been a stressed out, angry brat, and now she had to pay the price. After her mom had gone to all the effort of organising a wedding by herself, setting up the hen party, performing in her old girl-group and hell, raising her all alone for twenty years - Trixie had thrown everything back in her face.

It stung Trixie, so she couldn’t even imagine how it had made her mom feel. In her whole twenty years of existing, she’d never seen her mom look so hurt. As a child, she was convinced her mom was practically bulletproof. She was a superhero - always right, mega strong, a mind-reader with magic powers and a warm heart. Now, Trixie was beginning to realize two things. Her mom was human, painfully, normally human. And she had feelings. Feelings that Trixie had stamped all over.

The urge to apologise rose up within her, but she fought it down. It wouldn’t do any good anyway; Sharon had stormed out after Trixie told her to leave, and she would need time to cool down. Trixie had been foolish to think she could get away with inviting her dads to the wedding, and now she was simply pushing her luck by pushing her mom to breaking point.

She was a horrible daughter.

Please forgive me, she begged internally, stepping out onto her balcony for some air. Upon staring at the sea, she started to feel a bit calmer.

Everything was wrong. It was all horribly, terribly, disgustingly wrong. And yet…

Almost twenty one years ago, Trixie was sure that her mom had felt the same. She pictured a young Sharon, alone, staring out at the same sea as she cradled a bump that wasn’t quite there, but soon would be. She was eighteen, and surely it must’ve felt like her world was turned upside down. She was alone, pregnant, with no family to lean on. She would’ve stared out at the sea and wondered how everything had gotten so bad.

Time had passed and fixed it again. It wouldn’t have been easy, Trixie knew that. But she knew that Sharon had pulled herself up and opened a business, working full time, earning little amounts of money that she could put aside for a crib, a rocking chair, clothes and nappies and toys. It would’ve in no way been easy, but she’d followed her heart and made it work. Time fixed it. It wasn’t so bad anymore.

In a way, the thought was comforting. In a moment of painful desperation, her mom had been looking out at the same ocean, of the same beach, of the same little island. Everything had turned out okay for her.

Everything would turn out okay for Trixie, too.

Rationalize, she told herself. Break it down sensibly. The main problem is that you have three dads trying to give you away. Two of them are surplus. Something needs to be done about that.

She watched the water, timing her breaths with the steady peak and crash of the waves. After that, you need to admit to mom what you’ve done. Tell her everything and why you did it. And Brian, too.

Deep down, Trixie knew that her heart knew what to do. She was just too afraid to listen, too afraid to take the plunge.

Then you’re gonna get married, and it’s going to be amazing. You don’t need to know who your father is to know who you are.

You’re Trixie Needles. Tomorrow, you’ll be Trixie McCook. That’s who you are.

#here i go again #purecamp #trixya #shalaska #trixie mattel #sharon needles #katya zamolodchikova #alaska thunderfuck #willam belli #phi phi o'hara #rpdr fanfiction #submission #m/f au #mamma mia au

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coloringthegreyscale · 6 years

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Hi, despite my body’s popular belief, I am in fact still living

So this counts as me surviving my first Pride, motherfuckers!

I’m eating pizza, listening to music, and contemplating life’s questions like “Why the fuck am I still awake?” but for those who want to hear about this, here it is:

So Friday, we got there at around 3. Doors didn’t open until 6, so that meant we could wander around the Short North for a few hours. There wasn’t much to do other than wander around the shops and make friends with the staff at Pressed Grill while we ate loaded cottage fries and waited for my phone to charge. Spoiler Alert: Phone didn’t actually charge and in fact the battery died while it was off and plugged in, so fuck everything for about five minutes until I decide that I’m not going to let my bitchy phone ruin my fucking night.

Then, it’s what every single person who ever purchased a ticket to an event with general admission - it’s the standing game.

Standing game that lasts 3 and a half fucking hours.

So we used this time wisely by making friends with the people around us. I, miraculously, without the aid of my phone, managed to run into @dottiethunderfuck, but we couldn’t talk very well because we were about two rows of people away from each other. Thank you, Dottie for giving me more encouragement! I wish we could have talked more. You’re a gem of a human being.

So everything started an hour and a half later than it was actually supposed to. First it was the underwear fashion show put on by one of the local gay businesses, hosted by our very own Virginia West and Crystal Something Something. (Nina West was billed to host with Virginia, but is out for five weeks due to an expensive foot surgery that keeps her off social media, and no one is buying this story, what the fuck guys?). They talked about the rally Virginia headed because Pence was in town that day, and this is pretty much an excuse for me to say I love our gay city and drag queens. Also, turns out my roommate was high school friends with one of the models. Surprise!

Then, after what I think it was probably 5 hours at this point, after the fashion show and the opening music act, The AAA Girls came on and they were all gorgeous. They performed four or five songs I think? The banter was hilarious, the uncoordinated choreography was great. I loved watching them.

After was a lightning round of a meet and greet, so if this story doesn’t seem very detailed, it’s because I literally had about a minute to meet three queens. Went like this.

So first off, I need to mentioned that the art that I made was small in scale, but because of the wood and the watercolor paper, and the fact that I knew it would probably get jostled around a lot, I had wrapped them in tissue paper.and wrote which belonged to who so I wouldn’t get them mixed up. I neglected to unwrap them before I handed them out and I probably should have, but you live and you learn. I still fucking gave them the thing when I almost forgot to bring them twice.

So Courtney was the first in the line, so I struggled with the art being like “hold on, I actually have gifts for you guys!” and I handed them off to each of them. I vaguely remember Courtney saying something like “Oh thank you” and then “Oh, it’s beautiful!” but I dunno. I could be making that up? I know she said something. Did I say this was fast and I was super nervous?

So Willam actually gestured me back and asked me my name and then introduced herself (thanks Willam, for speaking to me like we were just normal strangers who met for the first time and not like I’m a nervous idiot fan who can’t properly speak to people - that’s not sarcastic, that’s entirely serious). She asked me if I wanted a photo and then said something like “Come, settle into my sweaty armpit” and then wrapped her arm around me. Photo taken, she wished me a happy pride, thanked me for the gift, I’m pretty sure I got a hug at some point and then I was passed off to Alaska, who hugged me, thanked me for the art and said it was beautiful. Over, done. I’m shaking. But fuck it. Done.

Apparently the roughly 45 seconds I got with them was lucky because we found out the next day that about 40 people were turned away. There were a lot of rumors hopping around and people were admittedly incredibly upset and bitter, but guys - do not blame the queens. I am certain that if they’d known there were people still waiting, they would have stayed. The whole event seemed to have hit a huge hitch somewhere and it wasn’t very well laid out. So be mad and what not, just try to keep a level head if you can.

Anyway, we walked back to our car, went home, got about three hours of sleep, woke up at around 7 to get ready and head back down so we could get a decent place for the parade. Which was two hours long. I got hugs from my coworkers who were marching in the parade and then at some point ended up just sitting on the street with my new #lovewins flag that we need to figure out where to put it.

Another long walk down to the festival, passed out on the grass, wandered, and then caught a ride back up to Short North so we could eat proper food at Pressed Grill (if you guys are ever in the Short North in Columbus, this is one of those places you need to try. Food is decent price, staff is super friendly, and everything is delicious). Then cue another walk, back to the car, said goodbye to friends we met up with, and then back to Axis.

Sidebar: On our way back, we were going to cut through the convention center because it provides a bit of relief from the heat and also bathrooms. Origins was happening the same time, so there was a crowd of people. As we were passing, an older guy looked at me and said “You need to drink some water. You look bad.” My roommate commented that that was a rude thing to say, to which he adjusted his wording to say “Oh, I just meant she looked tired and probably should stay hydrated to stay healthy.”

Yes, hi. Not sure who died and made you my dad, but I’ve been walking for like twelve hours with minimal sleep. I’ve been drinking all day. So kindly go fuck yourself.

Anyway! Back at Axis, we keep getting conflicting stories on what is happening with Adore’s meet and greet. The irritating part about this, is that it’s before her performance and during the giant drag show that’s happening before it, and we keep getting different information. @dottiethunderfuck comes to the rescue again, finds me, and tells me that it’s definitely inside the club in the VIP lounge at 9 pm, but capacity for the lounge is only 50 people, so it’s best we get there early. So we book it to the upstairs because fuck taking chances at this point, and also fuck standing and double fuck being in the heat.

So we chill for the next hour, sitting, chatting, people watching, etc. Until we start to line up for the meet and greet that Adore DEFINITELY had, do not let any trolls on Instagram try to convince you otherwise.

So here’s the twist of the fucking story. Roomie is usually the bold and collected one of the two of us, while I’m the one riddled with social anxiety. I felt like I was actually doing a pretty good job at keeping my cool, up until Adore walks past and says hi to everyone and then I look over to realize that Roomie has completely lost all of her cool and is like “Holy fuck, I’m meeting Adore, what now?” and I’m standing there like “well if your going to panic, what the fuck am I going to do?”

This time I at least had the conscious thought to unwrap the gift before I give it to her. But here we go:

Roomie had me video her meeting Adore. While doing so, suddenly Adore is smiling and waving at me. Apparently, Roomie had told her that I was excited to see her but I’m very shy and nervous, so I might be very quiet. She steps off after getting her photo and second hug and now it’s my turn.

So I’m greeted with an instant hug. She didn’t even wait for me to get to her, she met me halfway, and I handed her the art saying I had a gift and she looked at it in disbelief, the conversation went a bit like this:

“Wait, this is for me? I can keep this?” “Yes.” “This is beautiful! What is it? Watercolor? I love it!” “Yes.” (it’s also got a bit of charcoal but I digress)

At this point, she was fiddling with it to try to stand it up on the table and she turns and looks at me and asks me if I’m alright. I tell her I’m fine, I’m just a very nervous person. But I’ve got her attention now so I conjure up every single bit of courage that I have to tell her what I kept forgetting to say to Bianca and Courtney and Willam and Alaska.

“I wanted to make you something to say thank you, because you made me smile when I really really needed to.”

It’s a very simplified statement on what kind of mindset I had been in about 10 months ago, but she hugged me again and said something to the effect of “That’s incredibly sweet. Thank you so much. You’re too sweet.”

She said something about how she couldn’t wait to show it to her cousin, that he’d love to see it because he’s an artist too. We got our photo together, she thanked me again and wished me a happy Pride, I told her to have a good night and we parted ways.

So yes, guys. For those who think that Adore didn’t have a meet and greet, she did. If you didn’t know about it, that’s the combined fault of yours and the coordinators who didn’t explain things to the staff. So that clusterfuck, again, is on them and not on the queens.

Anyway - back down to catch the second half of the giant ass drag show going on outside.

Yeah, hi. We’re Columbus, OH and our drag scene is fucking a-maze-ing. Hi. Motherfucker. Stage nearly broke down it was so shook by all that talent.

We also knew one of the queens and we were SO PROUD to be able to tip her on a stage with this kind of a crowd. She’s come so far. She fucking worked it.

I got my fingers sucked on by one of the queens taking my tip. So there was that.

I ended up next to @dottiethunderfuck again and we both kept shooting heart eyes at each queen and king that came up on that stage because hi, did I mention that Columbus has a fucking great drag scene because it definitely does. I love them.

Then Adore was announced, she got up on stage and did her set, which was very short, but she was absolutely hypnotic. When I could see her. Some asshole decided he was going to try to tip her and wouldn’t move. Roomie at one point tapped him on the shoulder and was like “She’s not going to take your tip. She’s not that kind of performer.” He tried to start a fight with her. It was stupid. She’s a presence, though.

Second she left the stage, we had to bounce because we were about to pass out.

AND THAT WAS MY FIRST PRIDE!

I don’t have pictures of the meet and greet yet, because those were taken by the club and are to be posted on Facebook later. Thank you everyone who helped me through my random breakdowns leading up to this. It was probably a good thing that I didn’t finish the Bianca costume, but I at least got to make some art that I was relatively proud of and managed to give it away (which is a problem for me, if you knew me).

I’m going to continue to lurk in my dark room now and cuddle my dogs because I have to work tomorrow and I definitely don’t want to.

#pride 2018 #sometimes I meet drag queens apparently #columbus pride 2018 #adore delano #alaska thunderfvck 5000 #courtney act #willam belli #long post is long

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purecamp · 7 years

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fic masterlist!

a collection of every rpdr i have ever written! contains much shalaska, some shillam, some witney, and dribs and drabs of branjie and taywhora

Oneshots

Sharon fucking Needles - sharon drunk texts alaska, who tells her to get her shit together if she wants to get back together. so that’s what she does.

Conflicted - (au) aaron’s conflicted because he has a secret: he’s a drag queen. little does he know, his boyfriend justin is conflicted too, for the same reason: he’s also a drag queen. one night in a bar, they find out the other’s secret.

Dead Girls Never Say No - after listening to the lyrics written about her in alaska’s bitch track ‘The T’, sharon is understandably upset. fame hardened alaska to the point where she feels like an emotionless dead girl, but as the song goes, dead girls never say no.

Would You Be So Kind - justin feels funny, and he feels funny because he’s in love. aaron feels funny, and he also feels funny because he’s in love. based off the dodie clark song

Vera Amoris - (au) alaska’s a brand new witch in town, who doesn’t know the other witches yet. after getting tricked by the evil phi phi to drink a potion she shouldn’t drink, jinkx rushes her to the town potion master, sharon, for help.

Soulmate - justin believes that in life, you have more than one soulmate, but each of your soulmates stay with you forever. so it still hurts when your first soulmate dies too young.

Weird - (au) alaska finds out her asshole boyfriend is cheating on her, and promptly breaks up with him. however, she’s left with a problem: she has no money, her phone is dead and broken, and she’s lost. a hooker by the name of sharon needles comes to the rescue, which in alaska’s eyes is frankly? a little weird.

Two Hearts and a Home - pure fluff and romance ensues in early december, when justin enlists the help of his lazy boyfriend aaron to put up the christmas tree.

Say Cheese! - sharon won’t smile for a picture. alaska is determined that, anyway she can, she will get the bitch to fucking smile.

Ferris Wheel - it’s not shalaska it’s witney. willam has a date perfectly planned out for courtney, but she ruins it by insisting they go on the fair down at the beach. willam totally isn’t afraid of heights, the ferris wheel doesn’t bother her at all.

Did You Miss Me Enough To Drink Or Did You Drink Enough To Miss Me? - sharon drinks far too much and sometimes can’t stop saying what’s on her mind. alaska doesn’t know if she misses her enough to drink, or if she simply drank enough to miss her. she never finds out.

Lost and Found - (au) it’s been five weeks since alaska went missing from her college, which she attended with girlfriend sharon and best friend jinkx. then, out on a walk at one in the morning, sharon finds her.

Turn Off The Lights - every time alaska calls, sharon answers. she swears she’s going to give her up, but she never does. she’s taking every chance she’s got, like the man she knows she’s not. based off the song by panic! at the disco.

Sensible - after falling for shea during the filming of drag race, sasha isn’t sure she’s made a particularly sensible decision, and a little fight ensues.

Mine And Yours - (au) stealing each other’s clothes goes from a fun little game to all-out war. alaska, naturally, intends on winning.

Hush Little Baby - (au) new parent alaska is left at home with her baby girl whilst her wife sharon goes out to work. the problem? alaska is convinced the sniffles and sneezes are something much worse than they actually are.

A-B-C-D-E-F-G - (au) alaska goes to her friend willam’s house for what she thinks is a halloween party. to her surprise, the “party” is more of a seance to chat with a guest who turns out to have more than a little bit of affection for one of the players.

Finding You - witney, in which the infamous willam and courtney fight is explored, and perhaps the root of it all is jealousy?

Piano Wire - (au) collab with @laskathunderfun - a dark sided piece based off of sharon’s song “piano wire” in which aaron is a murderer

Weather Girl - (au) alaska, a brand new weather girl, is a small fish in a big pond of tv news. sharon is the host.

As Long As You’re Mine - (au) inspired by wicked. sharon is always the bad one next to hilarious and well loved katya. for the first time, sharon does something that makes her feel as wicked as they say she is.

She Calls Me Your Highness - (au) the princess willam has a complicated relationship with young serving maid sharon.

What Do You Know About Love? - (au) sharon and willam are boarding school students and best friends who disagree, fundamentally, on their idea of what love is. eventually, they come to an understanding.

My Frankenstein - (au) mad scientist sharon is working on bringing her second creation to life while her first, alaska, watches. halloween fun and my first ever smut!

The Land Of The Midnight Sun - (au) sharon wants to escape from the world and live where no one will ever find her again. she meets another lost soul who helps her to do so, and she and alaska reflect on how the world got so dark just for loving girls.

(Less Than) A Thousand Miles - (au) with the world in lockdown, alaska begins working from home, and makes a new friend over zoom who begins to brighten her world again.

Strangers - (au) sharon isn’t gay, even if she does hook up with this girl all the time, drunk or sober. she’s not. she swears.

Things That Were - (au) it’s christmas, and brooke reflects on everything that went wrong with vanessa during the awkward transition between xmas and new year.

Someone I Genuinely Love (au) - uni students tayce and a’whora attend lawrence’s house party, when an argument breaks out between a’whora and tia. even the bitch needs some love sometimes.

Multi-chapters

Sharon and Phi Phi’s Bitch Of A Bucket List (discontinued) - the zombie apocalypse has finally happened, and everyone has different priorities. phi phi wants to survive. sharon wants to find alaska. the three of them stumble across their friend’s survival base and try to live their lives. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6

Party (complete) - jinkx’s halloween party goes wrong, leading sharon and alaska down a confusing road of drugs, admitting feelings, and hiding. just when things are going okay, it all goes drastically wrong. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13

Just The Two Of Us (in progress) - (au) hogwarts student alaska gets together with long-time crush and close friend, sharon, in the same year that the triwizard tournament begins. but her slytherin girlfriend harbours a dark past and the triwizard tournament may only be an obstacle in overcoming that. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14

Mean Queens (complete, collab with @thewritingnymph) - (au) mean girls crossover in which newbie russian, katya, joins a new school and befriends adore and ginger, who have spent most of their school lives being bulled by the three ‘mean queens’ who run the school. sharon, violet and alaska are life-ruiners. the three of them hatch a plan to take the mean queens down once and for all. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21

In Sickness and In Health (in progress) - (au) princess sharon is sick, and the king lets out a desperate appeal to save her: whoever will venture out to find the witch who can do it will recieve riches beyond their belief. however, the princess is inches from death and alaska isn’t sure she can get through it without sharon dying, the witch refusing, or even falling in love. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7

Bosom Buddies (in progress, collab with @thewritingnymph) - (au) based on the song bosom buddies, two new york-dwelling theatre sisters, alaska and jinkx, get a little more than they bargained for when the circus comes to town, bringing eccentric performers such as ivy winters and sharon needles into the mix. 1 - 2 - 3

Withstanding The Test Of Time (in progress) - (au) intern journalist hates many things, including her job, her coworkers, and the oppression from the government forcing you to marry your soulmate a month after your timer ticks down to zero. luckily, sharon has two years left. and then - she doesn’t. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5

Means Queens Ever After (collab with @thewritingnymph) - (au) the mean queens didnt die immediately after prom so here’s the rest of their lives lol. Girls Gone Camping - A Triple A Christmas - Violet’s Fashion Show - Some Things Never Change

Here I Go Again - (au) a mamma mia au in which trixie is getting married and decides to invite her three potential dads, much to her mom sharon’s chagrin. Prologue - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - Epilogue Part 1 - Epilogue Part 2

(I Can Still Recall) Our Last Summer - (au) prequel to here i go again, following the life of young sharon as she meets three strangers who will change her life forever. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7

Case Closed - (au) inspired by b99, alaska is the best detective in the NYPD, of course. nothing will change that, not even the arrival of the stupidly named detective needles and her charm. 1 - 2

The Needles Family Values (discontinued) - (au, collab with aqcitrus) addams family inspired fic following the return of alaska’s unusual sister, katya, and the hijinks of the creepy, kooky, mysterious, spooky household. 1 - 2

#KAJHKJSKMDK #this made me want to kms #it took so long #fuck iinkjihsdujslkhis #shalaska #shillam #witney #branjie #taywhora #fic #artificialqueens

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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Yoü and I Prologue (Shalaska) - pradatrash

Summary: Something, something about my cool Alaska guy…

A lifelong love story about what it’s like to know who your heart belongs to and the lengths two drag queens will go through to keep it there forever.

A/N: Hi everyone!!! I’m so excited to be posting a pic here, this is my first time not posting on ao3 (yes I was the extremely annoying anonymous asking about ao3), so I hope I’m doing this right. I came up with the idea for this story from Gaga’s song “You and I” because it is literally a song made for Sharon and Alaska, if you change ‘Nebraska’ to ‘Alaska’ when listening to song it just fits perfectly. This will be set in present time with flash backs to explain the circumstances of the story. I want to post the story here but it will also be up on ao3 which I hopefully am allowed to link here as well. I hope people enjoy this enough that i can continue it!

This is obviously a work of fiction and I don’t mean to insult or do any harm to any of the people written about.

ao3 link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/11455776/chapters/25679832

It’s been two years since I let you go,

I couldn’t listen to a joke or rock n roll

He breathes erratically as his eyes stare straight ahead at, what appears to be, a black hole in front of him but it’s really just an altar. He squints because his contacts are dry but also because he thinks maybe if he squints enough this whole mirage will disappear.

But not today no, instead he still sees an altar with a priest, some groomsmen and someone who doesn’t look like he belongs. Chad. Aaron swallows and focuses his thoughts on his mom’s arm linked with his as he concentrates on taking each step towards his doom without falling on his face.

Right foot, left foot, right foot…

His mind is going a thousand miles a minute and he’s probably sweating so badly under these bright church lights it doesn’t look attractive but everyone around him has a large shit eating grin plastered across their face he tries to feign one too. Here he was walking down the aisle, almost suffocating in his suit as he stares down this one thing that doesn’t make sense right now. Chad.

As if a thousand years has passed he finds himself standing now in front of this stranger, except the stranger is his husband to be and now they’re holding hands as an ancient looking priest starts the ceremony.

Every sound in the room drowns out completely and he doesn’t see the person in front of hI'm anymore. Is this what a stroke feels like? He closes his eyes for a split second to regather his breathing before opening them back up to look right back at the wide grin on his fiancé’s face.

This didn’t feel right. Nothing about this felt even close to right. Chad was a good guy he didn’t deserve someone that couldn’t love him fully, he deserved the type of love that only comes around once in a lifetime. A kind of love that consumes, constricts and kills its victims but in the best ways. It was a love that Aaron could not give him, it was a love that he could only give one person, but that person was no where to be seen, and with good reason. Aaron knows Justin can’t even look at him after what has happened in the last two days.

God, what the hell was he doing?

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the holy matrimony of Aaron and Chad…”

He glances around subtly before he catches the eye of Bianca in the crowd, the queen of sass raises an inquisitive eyebrow at him while he tries to convey his regret through his panicked eyes. Bianca seems to get the message and just mouths; “What??” To Aaron as if asking him what he should do in this very moment and he’s right, what can anyone do right now? Maybe it’s up to him but his legs feel like cement and his throat is getting tighter and tighter.

Should he stop the wedding right now? Should he start screaming? Maybe both?

He looks to his mother, Joan, who smiles widely back at him and that’s when he catches it. He knows his mother, that smile is not a ‘I’m happy for you’ smile, it’s her ‘What are you doing?’ smile. His heart beat picks up even faster if that were possible. He flashes back to just moments before he was walking down the aisle with his mom in the main hall.

“Are you happy, honey? Are you truly happy?”

Aaron had just nodded and reassured his mother that this is who he was meant to be with, but her facial expressions deceived her agreement. He takes a chance and looks from his mom to everyone else in the crowd. The sea of people was so large but he could make out his friends in any group if people no matter how large or small. It was like a fucking Drag Race reunion in the crowd and why the fuck hadn’t he looked at everyone before this moment?

The last 48 hours had been what can only be described as a shit storm tornado of the century. Perhaps a monsoon, if you will. He had been knocked straight out of his body and how somehow ended up in his predicament. Even though he despises the blonde singing bimbo he really wishes someone would Taylor Swift his wedding right now.

Their faces were painted with the same hesitance that was on his mom’s. They knew. Everyone fucking knew that this was a mistake yet no one was speaking up. His brain screamed, pleaded, begged anyone to stand up right now and say something but nothing came, everyone just kept their eyes on the priest speaking.

Who was this priest anyways? He hadn’t approved any of this shit. If this was his actual wedding a satanist would be marrying him in the middle of a field in Pittsburgh, not in some fancy fucking church in Maryland. This wedding was never his to begin with.

He feels his best man, Chad Michaels, shift nervously behind him as if he can sense Aaron’s hesitance and he almost whips around and implores the All Stars winner to stop this shit from going any further but he can’t do that now. He’s paralyzed, his knuckles are almost stark white from where he’s gripping his fiancé’s across from him.

Fuck. Fuck!

“Now we will do the grooms’ vows, they’ve both elected to write their own in order to express their true love for one another, let’s begin with Aaron’s…”

Fuck the vows. Where were his vows?

He feels a tap on his back and turns his head to see his best man motion to his jacket pocket. Leave it to Chad Michaels for always having Aaron’s shit together for him. He nods and fumbles for a second with the notecards crumpled together against his chest. He gives Chad and the priest a nervous smile before looking down at his scribbled hand writing. He opens his mouth but no words come out, like a fish out of water he gapes down at the cards in his hands.

These words…these words weren’t written for Chad. These words were written for Justin. Alaska. Fucking Alaska. Everything he has ever done is for Alaska, no matter how hard he tries to deny it. In one sentence he had even crossed out Justin’s name after writing it accidentally. Wow, wow…Aaron, Sharon what have you gotten yourself into?

He can see Alaska laughing right now in his head, his head thrown back and that glorious loud laugh that makes Aaron’s heart beat a million miles a minute, he’d probably have something funny yet wise to say in this situation.

“Oh Noodles you dumbass, what have you gotten yourself into?”

Chad gives him a worried glance across from him as his eyes move from the notecards in his hands to the eyes of his fucking soon-to-be husband. Husband. When the fuck was the word ‘husband’ no longer defined by the tall lanky dark haired, occasionally long blonde, man who had a voice that drawled like syrup falling off the tongue, yet it was the most endearing sound Aaron could ever hear in his life. When did all of this become so wrong?

He once again reopens his mouth to recite the words on the cards but just like mother fucking clockwork the church doors slam open loudly and everyone whips their heads to the entrance and he swears he hears Willam cheer from the crowd.

“NO, YOU CAN’T DO IT! YOU CAN’T MARRY HIM!”

The sound of Justin’s wailing voice echoes through the entire church and Aaron could’ve sworn the building shook because of it.

Alaska Thunderfuck. His fucking hero. He looks just as frazzled and exhilarated as Aaron feels right now, but he’s gorgeous and a glowing light, and it makes Aaron fall even more in love with him.

—

You taste like whiskey when you kiss me oh,

I’d give anything again to be your baby doll

#sharon needles #alaska thunderfuck #shalaska #angst #fluff #pradatrash #rpdr fanfiction #you and i #canon compliant

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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Check You Out - Chapter 4 - May

A/N: It’s here! Thank you so much to everyone who left feedback, it means so much to me. I have one final chapter planned out, and I can’t believe I’m almost at the end of this, and I really hope you enjoy it. The gap between this chapter and the next should be shorter as I’ve already written most of it, and I’m a tad less busy with life atm. If you have any feedback or comments I’d love to hear it, either here or hmu at artificial-may

“No ma’am I cannot give you a refund on this opened packet of crackers, especially with no receipt and half of the crackers mentioned missing. I’m sorry about that,” Bianca told a particularly obstinate woman, giving her a look that said you-are-an-absolute-pain-in-the-arse-and-please-get-out-my-vicinity-before-I-yell-at-you. The lady retreated, grumbling about poor customer service while Bianca rolled her heavily lined eyes and the young checkout operator working alongside her smiled sympathetically.

“Customers suck don’t they?” she said, tossing her black hair over a shoulder, having heard the entire exchange. Bianca saw her name was Violet from her name tag. “God, most of them,” responded Bianca, rolling her eyes again. “There’s one or two that make me smile though.” Bianca noticed the corners of Violet’s twitch upwards at that, and her eyes became a little softer, as if she’d just remembered something. Bianca raised an eyebrow. “What’s that expression for?” she asked. Violet flushed a pale red, and her closed expression returned. “Does someone have a little crush on a customer?” teased Bianca in a sing-song voice, and the colour in Violet’s face deepened. “N-no,” she stammered. “Some of them are just nice.” Bianca smirked. “Nice to look at you mean?” Violet shrugged and tilted her head to the side. “Yeah,” she conceded. Bianca snickered and Violet looked indignant. “It’s just one, and yeah, she’s pretty and has the loveliest hair ever, I just like talking to her because she’s super chill and actually listens to me and is nice. I most certainly don’t have a crush on her.” “Sounds a little like you do,” responded Bianca, seeing right through what was obviously a lie. “So you can’t empathise?” asked Violet, a challenge almost, not a question. “No, I cannot. Because unlike you, I have never fallen in love with a customer,” responded Bianca. Violet was nearly shouting now. “I am not in love with any-“ She broke off suddenly as a tall blonde tentatively placed her basket on Violet’s conveyer, Violet’s eyes widening in surprise. “Hey Pearl,” she said, a little breathlessly.

Chuckling to herself at Violet’s foolishness and denial, Bianca turned away, and locked eyes with Adore, entering the door, who raised her hand and wiggled her fingers in a lazy wave. Bianca’s stomach jumped.

“Adore!” she called out, the green haired girl turning her way in surprise. Bianca idly noted she needed to get her roots redone. Bianca held up the bottle of Berocca and wiggled it in the air. Adore smiled and made her way to the express lane, hurdling a barrier in order to get there. “You’re not supposed to jump the barrier,” Bianca said automatically and Adore grinned. “'Kay,” she responded. “Why’d you keep this at the checkout?” “Didn’t want a repeat of yesterday where I didn’t get to talk to you,” responded Bianca, fake pouting. “Yeah that sucked man,” responded Adore.

They were both quiet for a second, before Adore spoke again, after checking her phone. “Well I’ve got seven minutes before I need to leave, tell me something fun.”

+++

Violet’s insides were twisting with embarrassment as she greeted Pearl, hoping she hadn’t heard the conversation that she’d been having with Bianca seconds before. In all fairness, she had been screaming, fairly loudly she had to admit.

It was no secret Violet liked to be in control. Everything in her life, she lived with control over, she prided herself on that. But for some weird reason, her weird quasi-friendship with Pearl had her feeling out of control. And she was too proud to admit it to anyone, especially Bianca, that there was a tiny part of her that liked Pearl in that way. Even the thought of it, made her want to cringe. Violet was powerful, she had dreams. She was not someone who got distracted by other girls, or who pined after the moments they would come in and make her shift a little bit brighter.

Yet here she was.

Pearl was standing in front of her a little uneasily, and with every passing second Violet could feel some sort of weird tension build between them. Crap, she thought, she heard me didn’t she?

“Right,” she said, smiling, “how are you today?” The tension that had been building crumbled a little, and Pearl smiled back at her. “I’m good, sorry, I’m a little out of it today,” Pearl responded. Violet laughed, and they were back as they usually were, laughing, joking and chatting like good friends. Not a hint of tension.

In a small part of her mind Violet acknowledged that she really needed to get a handle on the feelings that were pooling up in her stomach. She knew it wasn’t healthy to dwell on the fact that the two literally knew nothing about the other, yet they felt as close as old friends.

Violet felt like she was going to burst.

“See ya then,” said Pearl, all too soon, and Violet hated the fact that she wished Pearl had bought more just so she could have stayed chatting longer. “Have a good day Pearl,” responded Violet, waving as she passed over the receipt. Pearl left, not throwing a second glance over her shoulder, but Violet remained with her eyes locked on the retreating head of blonde hair.

The automatic doors shut behind Pearl with a snap, pulling Violet’s gaze from the blonde girl. She glanced at Bianca, who was watching the girl with green hair saunter out the store, with the same expression that Violet was pretty sure she had been wearing just moments before. Violet snorted, and Bianca turned with a start, to see Violet’s smirking face.

“You really don’t empathise with me?” asked Violet.

In response, Bianca turned a deep pink. “If you tell anyone I will come to your house at night and cut off all your hair and weave it into an ornamental throw rug.”

Violet laughed loudly.

+++

“Can I tell you something Phi Phi?” asked Sharon in between customers as they stood together at express. “Yeah, of course,” responded the shorter girl, running her hands through her newly blue streaked hair. She’d taken the plunge a week ago after Sharon had almost convinced her to apply for a fashion course, before deciding her parents would be a lot gentler on her if she did something that wasn’t going to change their idea of a perfect daughter. “I’m quitting at the end of my shift.”

Phi Phi couldn’t respond, opting instead to simply and openly stare at the white blond girl next to her. “You’re what?” “Quitting,” responded Sharon, simply. “This isn’t what I want to do.” “But your dad- “ “He can get over himself,” shrugged Sharon. “If he really wants me to work here, he can work here himself.” Phi Phi gaped. “Like two weeks’ notice?” Sharon smiled. “Effective immediately.” “Damn.” Phi Phi let out a low whistle. She knew Michelle, the store’s manager, hated sudden staffing breaks. If she’d been yelled at for pulling out of a shift with not enough notice, God knows what she’d do to someone straight up saying they were leaving. Eat them alive probably.

Then again this was Sharon she’d be up against.

More than that, Phi Phi thought, she’d miss working with Sharon. Most of the time Sharon was bored, sarcastic and didn’t want to be there, which clashed with Phi Phi’s attitude sometimes, but Phi Phi would miss the times when there was a lull in customers when Sharon seemed to drop her attitude a tiny little bit. And maybe, just maybe she’d miss having Sharon standing opposite her for five hours a day. Sharon might be the bane of Phi Phi’s existence sometimes, but Phi Phi couldn’t deny she was straight up gorgeous.

“You all good there?” asked Sharon, jolting Phi Phi out of her reverie. “Huh? Yeah, I was just thinking,” responded Sharon “Aww, are you going to miss me Phi Phi?” teased Sharon, raising her voice in an annoying sing-song way. “No!” exclaimed Phi Phi loudly. “I’m already planning the party I’m going to throw once you’ve left,” she joked. “I’ll miss you,” said Sharon, her voice low, a quiet contrast to Phi Phi’s outburst. Phi Phi looked over, slightly stunned. She didn’t think Sharon particularly liked her. They had a relationship that was essentially based on I-really-don’t-care-for-you-but-we-both-hate-the-bloody-customers-more-so-lets-chill. “Really?” Phi Phi’s own voice was also now no more than a whisper. She cleared her throat, cringing inwardly at how sappy she sounded.

“Yeah Phi, you’re a real laugh sometimes. Probably the only good thing about working in this place.” Phi Phi smiled against her will, and pushed down the thoughts she’d been having about Sharon for weeks now. Thoughts of maybe, possibly, if she did ask Sharon about a relationship if something would ever work. It was purely hypothetical of course. Sharon and I will never be a thing. Stop right now Phi Phi, she thought. But those thoughts didn’t stop her from hoping.

+++

It was 4pm, which meant the staff room was packed with day staff all trying to log off and go home. Willam had already clocked off, and had just gotten out of Michelle’s office, and was now leaning against the lockers waiting for Courtney to come through so she could talk to her.

She saw her blonde head appear in the crowd, and she kept her eyes on the other girl, watching as she scanned her fingerprint and logged her time. “Courtney!” she yelled attempting to get the other blonde’s attention. Failing, she looked around as Courtney started to leave the room, trying to figure out a way to get across the room to talk to Courtney. Her eyes alighted on a chair next to the lockers, and without really thinking about what she was doing, she mounted it, and banged on the locker next to her, creating a metallic reverb that clanged through the room. Courtney turned to see her, as did every other worker in the staff room. “Courtney!” she yelled a second time, trailing off a little under the glare of the others in the room. She smiled widely at Courtney who just looked mortified and jerked her head, indication Willam should come talk to her outside. Smiling, Willam hopped down from the chair and

The afternoon sun was low in the sky, and it threw a buttery orange filter over the carpark, making it romantic, almost beautiful WIllam thought. Courtney was standing next to the ticket machine, hair reflecting the rays of sunlight. Pretty, she thought. Courtney caught Willam’s eye and approached, hands on her hips. “So what was that palava in there about?” “I thought it was pretty clever-“ “Everyone saw you.” “I got your attention,” Willam shrugged. Courtney rolled her eyes. “Yes. You did. I’m here. What do you want?” “I wanted to let you know that as of today, I will no longer be working in conjunction with you.”

Courtney’s eyes widened. God that’s cute, thought Willam, shaking her head at herself for her thoughts. “You’re quitting?” “No, sadly, I will not be working in conjunction with you as meat manager.” Willam paused dramatically. “As I am transferring to the dairy department.” Courtney’s eyebrows knitted. “And you thought to tell me this because?” “Because we’re friends!” Seeing Courtney raise an eyebrow she added “kind of. Also your little chat last week about you being vegan inspired me a little.” “You do realise as a vegan I still don’t do dairy,” responded Courtney, face blank. “Yeah but for me you’d make an exception wouldn’t you,” smirked Willam. Winking at Courtney’s shocked face, Willam turned on her heel to saunter over to her car.

“That’s inappropriate!” yelled Courtney as Willam got into her car. “I’ll report you!” “No you won’t!” Willam yelled back through the open window, blowing a kiss and driving off, leaving Courtney alone in the afternoon sun, smiling a little bit to herself.

+++

Over the past few months, Trixie had gotten into a routine at work. She would turn up five minutes early precisely, scan in and take over from Kim at express. She would wait there, maybe serving a customer or two, until Katya would rush through the door, between five and ten minutes late. Trixie knew this routine well, which was why she was confused that it had been twenty-five minutes with no sign of Katya, and Kim still on express.

“Where’s Katya tonight?” she asked Kim, after another couple of minutes ticked past, worried that something had happened, envisioning a car pretzelled around a tree, or a maniacal stabber, or something very bad. Katya was often late, but never this late “Oh didn’t you realise,” responded Kim, “there’s been a bunch of shifts shuffled around.” “What? How come?” “Um, some people wanted to work different shifts, so some other people moved to accommodate them.” “You wanted to work the closing shift?” asked Trixie incredulously. Kim shuffled a little bit looking awkward. Trixie normally loved that Kim was transparent enough to always know what she was thinking, but right now she wished she could truly believe that Katya wasn’t there because Kim had a deep desire to work the closing shift.

“Katya wanted to move?” she asked quietly, disbelief colouring her tone. “I’m so sorry,“ said Kim, gently, “I know you guys were good friends, I’m sure she had a reason though.” She trailed off a little, and the two lapsed into silence.

Katya doesn’t want to talk to me, she thought, and she mentally scanned through conversations she’d had recently, and found nothing that she thought could cause the Russian to want to avoid her. Pulling out her rhinestone encrusted phone she flicked a quick text off to Katya.

To Russian Whore: Heyyyy

To Russian Whore: Where u at? Kim said you wanted to switch shifts x

“She wouldn’t be avoiding me would she?” asked Trixie tentatively. Kim shrugged, “I mean you are the worst person I’ve ever met,” she joked, “but maybe she just didn’t want to work here so late.” Trixie made a noncommittal noise, knowing that wasn’t the case. Katya had often said she like the night, because there was no one either on earth or in heaven above she would get out of bed before 10am for.

She checked her phone. Read 9.42pm.

To Russian Whore: Did you turn read receipts on just so you could leave me on seen?

Another read receipt popped up and the three little dots started flashing at the edge of her screen, and Trixie breathed a sigh of relief, though she instantly wished she could take it back, as the message simply read.

From Russian Whore: Out on a date. Pls don’t text atm, phone’s turned off

Trixie stared at her phone until the screen autolocked and she was staring at her dismal reflection in the black screen. It doesn’t matter, she thought, Katya’s allowed to have her life.

Her phone buzzed with a snapchat notification, she opened it to see a snap from Kim from a couple of tills over.

From Kim Chi <3: Stop being sad!!!!

She chuckled, and saw Kim smile out of the corner of her eye, before turning to serve a tall, long legged customer purchasing a packet of gnocchi. Trixie was about to turn her phone off for the night, when she noticed the purple notification, showing someone had updated their story. More to get rid of the notification than out of actual interest she flicked over to the Story tab. It was Katya’s story, and Trixie’s thumb hesitated over the story before she opened it. It consisted of three snaps: the first a snap of Katya in her bathroom, evidently getting ready for her date, the second a video of Katya dancing with a girl with long messy blonde hair whom Trixie recognised from the meat department, with a heart eyes emoji overlaying. Trixie tapped the screen and bile rose in her throat at an image of Katya and the other blonde in a deep embrace, attached at the lips, at the hips. Trixie shut off her phone instantly as she felt her stomach sink so far through the floor she thought it was looking to begin an independent oil drilling venture.

In a flash, Trixie remembered the conversation they’d had a few nights ago, where Trixie had mentioned her boyfriend, and Katya had become oddly closed off. Trixie wasn’t the most emotionally sensitive, but she had definitely felt a weird kind of tension in the air between them in the recent weeks before that conversation – something more than friends, the kind of flirting that you did with your friends but sort of – different. Trixie couldn’t quite explain it. It still didn’t explain why Katya would try to cut her out of her life, not unless –

Trixie gasped audibly as she realized what had really been in front of her the whole time.

Katya liked her. Like, liked liked her.

That explains the petty snaps, she thought. But she needs to deal with the rejection. I have a boyfriend.

But she still felt an inexplicable hurt and, for some reason, jealousy at the idea of Katya making out with someone else. She shook her head a little.

God, why do you even care Tracy? she thought.

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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Courtney’s Infinite Search for Love Ch. 6 (Witney) - Grinder

AN: Sorry I haven’t updated in a while. I’m not going to lie. I haven’t been feeling well and it’s not just a basic flu or whatever. I know I should take a longer break due to my current shitty health but I can’t go without writing.

Also, this chapter does have brief discussions of death so this is my warning. Enjoy the update! Lots of love…

~Grinder

“You can’t see it yet.” Willam giggles as she covers my eyes with her hands, guiding me through her front hall way.

“I can’t.” I repeat even though it sounds like a question. I bring my hands to hers as my feet cautiously step out in front of me, briefly nudging around in case I trip.

“Girl, ‘cause we’re in the hall. The surprise is in the living room.” She shoos my hands away from hers as I stumble a bit.

“Oh, I thought you meant I couldn’t see it yet as in the surprise aspect like it was too soon or whatever.” I try to explain. It sounds like I’m talking absolute shit and drabble on a lot. Adore told me yesterday it’s either nerves or I love the sound of my own voice.

“Well that too, but yeah we’re in the hall.” Willam stops giggling yet I can tell she’s still smirking. She gestures for me to turn a corner. We only take a few more steps before Willam’s hands pull away slightly. “Don’t look yet.”

Goosebumps form on my arms as she moves around to stand in front of me and opens what sounds to be a door.

“OK, you can look now.”

Opening my eyes, they quickly adjust to the linen sheets dwindling gracefully as they interlink from one end of the room to the other above us, leaving the ceiling hidden. Numerous thin pieces of string suspend from the ceiling, attached are small paper birds. The walls are also covered head to toe by more linen and blankets. The floor is also completely hidden from site, covered in thick blankets and pillows. Fairy lights hang from the blankets on the walls illuminating the room. There’s a TV and a small stereo at the far side of the room, with snack bowls positioned in front of them on the cushioned floor.

I stare in amazement and Willam’s living for it, smiling ear to ear as she sees my reaction. I walk further into the room. The feeling of the soft blankets under my feet is so comfortable. I could literally just collapse right here and sleep. I approach the TV, guessing that was the activity for the night. Sitting down on the soft surface, I look to Willam. “I see why you needed 4 hours.”

“Oh my God, the blankets up there took forever! They kept falling down.” Willam explains, pointing to the fabric covered ceiling. “I also fell off my chair like 3 times. Thank God for the soft landing.”

“Willam…” I pause, “You didn’t need to do this.”

“Settle down, Nancy. It’s not like I’m proposing or some shit. It’s a date!” Willam shrugs, sitting down next to me and crossing her legs. “So what do you wanna do. Music or a movie?”

Thinking for a second, I realise I can’t make up my mind. “How about you decide?”

“No. Which one first?” Willam surprises me, smirking again. She holds up both her hands as if she’s balancing both options up to me.

Choosing to go with the movie first, Willam activates the TV and sets the film up. A few minutes later I see we’re watching The Graduate (1967), the one with a soundtrack consisting mainly of songs by Simon & Garfunkel. By the end, despite all my efforts to stop, I’m crying and Willam’s just giggling as she teases me.

An hour later, we’re getting deep. Not in that way. Get your mind out of the gutter. Willam and I are lying down on the plush ground, her head resting on my stomach as I stroke her hair. Our conversation had started off laughing about the fun times at the radio station. Now we’re talking about things like what’s beyond Space, what we’re doing with our lives and a whole lot of other deep topics.

“This is my favourite song.” Willam states as Saint European Kings Day plays. “It helps me sleep at night when I’m wide awake and worrying.”

“Worrying?” I repeat. Leaning up to look down to her.

For a second she looks like she’s realised she’s said something she shouldn’t. As curious as I am I don’t want to press her to talk about it. I don’t know what to say so I just wait for her to speak next.

“Courtney, can I be honest with you?” Willam asks, just staring up to the ceiling. “I may seem like I go by my day to day life without a fuck to give. But someday I’m gonna die. It could be when I’m 50. Next year. Tomorrow…” Willam pauses to let out a smell puff of air. “Will people forget about me? Am I gonna die alone?”

Hearing Willam say such things hurts. Yes, people have normal feelings like sadness and misery. But Willam’s usually so care free and takes things in her stride. I spend a good while reassuring her that it’s impossible to forget someone so bubbly and wild. And she completely surprises me by her next few words.

“I really appreciate you, Court.” She speaks softly, turning over on her side as her nails begin to trace circles on my belly. “I’ve never talked about this to anyone.”

BAM! That’s it. It hits me. I am so in love her. And she’s so in love with me. I know I can’t speak her own mind for her but she’s just shown she can trust me. There must be something there.

I lay back down as I begin to tell her about my irrational fear of sharks and she laughs at how ironic that is for an Australian. I continue on about my fear as she listens in silence. This then leads to me talking about my appreciation for her. And then I can’t take it anymore.

“I love you.”

Silence.

I look down to her again. She’s fast asleep.

Well fuck.

-_-_-_-

It’s only August; I’m feeling less like I’m in a relationship and more drained of emotion. You’re probably screaming out right now ‘NO! WHAT WENT WRONG?’ But that’s the thing. I find myself asking this continuously as only 10% of my free time goes to Willam. I’m tired of making plans for her to make some excuse as to not come. Yet when it’s her plans, I never pull out. I feel like I’m the only one putting in the effort to this relationship. I just don’t get what’s gone wrong.

I hadn’t been invited to visit her during her shifts in the station. In the Space of these two tiring months, we’ve had sex 3 times. The 3rd time she fell asleep. Can’t you see tell I’m very sexually frustrated?

And not once has she told me that she loves me. I know she does but I just don’t get why she won’t say it. In fairness, I haven’t said it since that night in the fort. But mostly because I barely see her now.

Don’t get me wrong. We have met up a few times – mostly on Saturday nights, in which we support Adore by attending her weekly gigs, even though I’m the only one eager to go nowadays. Sometimes Willam finds someone at the bar and goes off to have a chat with them. Her new friends were mostly men. But am I jealous? No. I’m not the kind of person to be easily jealous. But I just wish she would talk to me instead. Or she could at least give Adore five minutes of her attention.

We’ve also planned to go to a festival next Monday. I guess that isn’t so bad considering she paid for the tickets and I get to spend a whole day with her. Yes; only one day. But I am excited to spend time with her again.

“She’s so good, isn’t she?” I ask, looking away from Adore to Willam.

“Yeah, she is.” Willam replies, taking a moment to glance at the stage.

Adore is giving it her all, coming close to the end of Rock with You. You can tell she’s really having a fun time up there, swaying around to the sensual music. I smile as she comes to the end of the song.

“This next song is called with I’ll Rust with You. It’s a bit of a hidden gem so I hope you guys enjoy it.”

And there she goes, singing as if no one is watching – not a care in the world. As I watch her prance around the stage, I feel the urge to dance along. I turn to Willam who’s discussing eggplant recipes with a man she just met.

“Do you wanna dance?” I squeak.

“Yeah, in a second.” She replies.

But it wasn’t a second. And it wasn’t a minute or an hour or a month. We don’t dance at all. I just watch Adore as she sings and has fun on stage. At least someone’s night is going well.

2 hours later, Willam, Adore and I are in a cab and I’m feeling even more discombobulated than before. The guy Willam had been talking to had given his number to her. She did look at me and roll her eyes in disbelief. But there was something in that look that was false. It may have been my paranoia but it felt weird. Even Adore was giving her side eye.

Pulling up to Willam’s first, she turns to say goodnight, but I’m already getting out of the cab too. She looks bewildered for a second before getting out too. Walking around to her side, I all of a sudden feel lost for words. Why did I even get out?

“I just…wanna say…thanks for the night,” is all I manage to say.

“You’re welcome.” She replies.

There’s a pregnant pause in which we’re just staring at each other. What should I do? Why is this so awkward?

“Goodnight, I guess.” Willam smiles, bringing me into an unexpected hug.

After a second of just standing still, I wrap my arms around her too. And her hold on me squeezes slightly. I feel it again. All the sadness and anger drifting away, as I relax in her warm arms.

“I love you, Willam.”

Another pregnant pause.

She pulls away, taking my face in both her hands. Looking into my eyes, she replies, “You’re so adorable.”

She tilts her face towards mine only to plant a small kiss on my lips. Pulling away, she only grins as she releases my face. “I’ll see you later.”

With that, she walks to her house. To go to sleep. Without me.

I change my mind. Fuck her.

#tw death #tw death discussion #witney #courtney act #willam belli #adore delano #bendelacreme #alyssa edwards #fluff #angst #au #grinder #rpdr fanfiction #submission #cisfl #lesbian au

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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Dreaming of You (Shalaska) Chapter 2 - Kate

AN: I try you guys I really do but every time I start with fluff it turns into angst, it’s flangst. There are lots of dialogs between Sharon and Lasky so get ready, I’ll break your heart. This chapter is inspired by an audio called “I’m broken” and I have been listening to it on repeat to write this. Also thanks to everyone for the nice feedback! Enjoy. <3 this chapter is a bit short sorry :(

tw: use of alcohol and drugs, physical abuse, mentions of break up

Last night was wild with Justin crying his heart out to Aaron and the show. Of course, their moment was ruined by Willam and Adore who were fighting about who should go in the room and see what’s happening. As they opened the door Aaron ran out crying. “It hurts… it hurts… it hurts…” these words were replaying in Aaron’s mind every second and Justin’s eyes full of tears, he couldn’t get it out of his head. “I still love you Aaron”, that’s what he said last night. That’s what made Aaron feel heartbroken, that’s what made him feel dead. And there he was, in a hotel room, laying on the bed, drinking beer after beer. Confused. Scared. Scared of being loved, scared of loving so much that it hurts. 3 years, 3 mother fucking years and it still hurts and hurts more every day. He knew how he feels about Justin but he couldn’t take it. The scene from last night had been replaying in his mind over and over again, and still, he was just laying there doing nothing. There was a loud knock on his door, but he ignored it. The person on the other side of the door didn’t stop, so Aaron had no choice but to open.

“What do you want, Willam?” - he opened the door and Willam stormed in.

“What do I want? Hunty, you just ran away last night. I gave you a whole night for you to gather your mind on what happened so you can tell me. So let me hear what exactly happened.” - he sat down on the bed looking into Aaron’s eyes. It was obvious he had been dying to know exactly what went on.

“He… he said he loved me. Is it true?”

“Well, what the fuck do you think? I’ve heard him cry about you for the last 3 years more than I think it’s even possible and he told you, so I’ll say it’s true.” - Willam’s sarcastic bitch face was enough to cut Aaron’s soul in piecesbut the words that left his mouth were even stronger.

“I have been playing the whole thing in my head over and over, I don’t need you to make it even worse. Is he okay?” - Aaron said softly and sat down next to the other queen.

“That’s why I’m here. He doesn’t want to open his door or pick up his phone. Courtney has been sitting in front of his room for hours now waiting for him to open. Nothing, it’s like he is not even there.”

Aaron’s eyes started watering again but he stopped the tears from coming out. He had to be strong. He stood up and started walking out of the room with Willam following him. They went down to the lobby asking for a spare key to the room by saying that they locked themselves out and that was it. Aaron was walking quickly as Willam had to chase him around the hotel to see what he’s doing.

Courtney was sat outside Justin’s room talking through the door hoping that it will open.

“I thought you were the smart one.” Aaron looked at him and gave the key.

“Oh shut up, Sharon. How was I supposed to know that they will give the spare key.” - Courtney defended herself, in a way.

“Maybe you should have tried to get it.”

“Both of you, shush. Now unlock the door.” - Willam started to get angry at them. Courtney opened the door to find Alaska in the bed, under the covers, looking at the window. He didn’t move or say anything. It was like his body was dead but he was still alive.

“Alaska.” - Courtney whispered as she sat on the bed.

Aaron was still outside the room. He was scared to go in. What if Justin didn’t really mean what he said last night, what if it was just the adrenalin from the song and the fact they haven’t seen each other for a long time.

“I know he is there. Tell him to come in.” - Justin moved his lips.

Courtney stood up and grabbed Willam by the shoulder as both started walking out. Willam pushed Aaron in the room and closed the door after him. Justin raised from the bed and made up the covers so they can sit down. Aaron went over and sat next to him, but not too close.

“I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t know what I was doing and I didn’t mean to hurt you.” - Justin turned his head so he didn’t face Aaron.

“Don’t apologize, you didn’t hurt me.” - he put his hand on the other man’s shoulder.

“Yes I did, Sharon. You cried and you never cry except when you are hurt or really happy and I don’t think you were happy last night.” - He called him by his drag name which they didn’t really do when they were alone. Justin turned around, this time facing Aaron.

“That’s not true. I cried because I hate to see you like this. Broken… and it’s all my fault.” - he held Justin’s hand.

The touch of their hands was so minimal but yet so powerful. They gazed into each other’s eyes for a moment until Justin pulled away.

“Don’t. I’m sorry I just can’t.” - Justin moved away a bit.

“Justin, I know you. I know how dead inside you are. I know how worthless you feel. I know how you look into a mirror and hate what you see. I know what it’s like to be broken because 3 years ago I was at the same place.” - Aaron moved closer to him. Justin looked down, he was really emotional when he talked about things like this, and now the ‘thing’ was sitting in front of him. - “You don’t have to be scared to tell me how you feel.”

“You want to know what I’m scared of? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared to move. I’m scared to breathe. I’m scared to touch you. I’m scared that I’ll lose you again.” - a tear fell on his cheek and Aaron slowly wiped it away. - “How do you keep going, when the worst thing has happened? What do you have to change inside to survive? Who do you have to become?”

“Just be yourself. Unless nobody likes you, in that case then just be Alaska.” - they both giggled. - “Come here.” - Aaron hugged Justin tightly.

~ 3 years ago ~

“Aaron stop! You’re drunk!”

“So are you! Stop trying to make me look like I’m the bad one because you are too!” - their voices were raising.

“I am but I’m not trying to get into a hospital like you obviously are! Stop taking the drugs, just stop!” - Justin slapped his arm to get the drugs away.

“You did drugs as well! Why are you telling me to stop now?!” - Aaron screamed in his face.

“And I’m trying to stop and so should you!” - he yelled back.

“Hit me.” - Aaron said calmly.

“What?”

“I said hit me! Go on! I want you to hit me! Do it!” - he grabbed Justin’s arms as he yelled.

“Aaron, I’m not hitting you. You’ve had a lot to drink let’s just go to sleep now.” - Justin tried to free himself from Aaron’s hands.

“I SAID HIT ME!” - he screamed holding Justin’s wrists even more tightly.

“Aaron stop, you’re hurting me!” - Justin cried as Aaron let his wrists down. The places where he held him had turned into bruises.

“Why didn’t you do something? You should’ve done something. You did nothing! I’m bad for you! Look what I did to you!”

“Because I love you!” - Justin screamed at him.

“You shouldn’t love me and that’s the problem!” - Aaron pushed a bottle of beer and glass spilled everywhere.

“STOP! This is not the Aaron I know, this is not the Aaron I feel in love with! I’m done. I’m leaving. Call me when you’re not drunk.” - he cried. and left without his stuff, nothing he just left.

~~~

Aaron called him, but it was too late. They split up forever or at least they thought so until now.

It was the kind of love that warms your heart but breaks you into pieces. Toxic, dangerous but real. True love never leaves your heart even after hundreds of years, even if they have moved on with someone else or not, even if they are not even alive. 'Soulmate’ the word in both Aaron and Justin’s mind. A soulmate is like your best friend but more, the one person that will stay with you no matter what. The one person that believed in you when no one else did and that will love you, forever. Alaska and Sharon might not have been soulmates, but Justin and Aaron are.

“I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry that I’ve been crying all the time. I’m not sorry that you didn’t call and when you did I ignored you. I’m not sorry that I have been dreaming of you. I’m not sorry that I’m in love with y-” - Aaron stopped Justin.

“M-me too but I don’t think we should get back together, not now.” - he put his hand on Justin’s cheek.

“You need time, I get it. I will always wait for you, Noodles, no matter what.”

“Um, my flight is like in 4 hours I should probably go back to my room and pack my stuff.” - Aaron said as he tried to get out of the kind of awkward situation.

“You’re going back to Pittsburgh…” - Justin said sadly; standing up with the other man.

“Well, the show is over. The tour is coming to Pittsburgh next week and a week will be more than enough time for both of us to think.” - he grabbed Justin’s wrist but he let go remembering what he did to it last time he held him.

Justin didn’t want him to leave, all he wanted was to be with him every second of every day. It seemed inpossible. He thought Aaron would stay with him now that he told him how he feels, but it felt like he was getting more distant than ever. Aaron left the room, leaving Justin heartbroken once again. But this time he left hope. Hope, the only thing keeping Justin alive now, the hope that soon they will get back together.

#alaska thunderfuck #sharon needles #shalaska #angst #fluff #kate #dreaming of you #rpdr fanfiction #canon compliant #tw abuse

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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Courtney’s Infinite Search for Love Ch. 4 (Witney) - Grinder

AN: So yeah another update! I’m just aiming to do a lot of Uni work this week! Also I’m loving the positive feedback on this! You’re all so lovely. X

~Grinder

“Ooh, someone’s going out tonight!”

I pause from applying my lipgloss to turn to my roommate, Alaska, who’s standing there smirking at me.

“Yeah, I’m going to the staff karaoke night. Aren’t you coming?“ I asked turning to the mirror again.

Alaska and I had gotten involved with Tune.105 together back in college. We were only there for work placement but Dela admired my script writing skills and said Alaska had the perfect personality for the going on the air. She loved us so much, she had to keep us.

“I don’t wanna go,” she drawls and groans at the same time, leaning against the door, “I hate looking after everyone.”

“True. But without You, Lasky, we would be all dead by now.” I point out.

“You have an excellent point but I’m still not going.” Alaska clarifies, closing the zip of her fluffy jacket showing how comfortable she already is. “So are you going with Willam?”

“I think? Like I’m meeting her there but I expected her to come here or I go meet her at her home.” I sigh, rolling my eyes.

“Courtney,” she drawls moving away from the wall and wrapping her long slender arms around me. “Don’t be worrying about stupid little things like that. It doesn’t mean shit. Just go out tonight, have fun and get wasted.”

“I don’t think I can after last night to be honest.” I groan remembering the sickening feeling I felt when waking up in Willam’s bed.

“You’ll be fine. You can do it, gurl.” I hear Alaska encourage me as she goes to the kitchen for food.

-_-_-_-

I walk through the doors of the bar, dressed all classy in a rose gold play suit. I see Willam standing at the bar. She waves excitedly to me, calling me over. God, she looks so cute in short dungarees.

“Look at you.” I greet her with a light peck on the lips.

“Look at me? Look at you more like it, walking in here like you’re Britney.” Willam teases.

Before I can continue an excited scream erupts from the speakers deafening nearly everybody.

"Courtney! You’re here!” Adore slurred on stage as she holds the mic lazily to her face with a wobbly hand. Her smile drops as her eyes cast to the lyrics screen “Oh fuck! Oh, and feel you near me…Driving in my car…Driving home for Christmas…”

Adore moves the mic away from her mouth to Jaremi’s face as he’s sitting nearby. He takes the mic proudly, clearly had a bit too much to drink by the looks of it, and continues the song. “Driving home for Christmas…With a thousand memories…”

Adore attempts to take the mic back but fails miserably as Jaremi continues.

“I take look at the driver next to me…He’s just the same.” Jaremi gives a sloppy smirk before Adore pulls the mic back with force.

She looks at her audience with glassy eyes and finishes her performance. “He’s driving home, driving home…Driving home for Christmas.”

I stop listening as Willam begins to speak. “She’s fucked. She’s sang twice already and they were both Christmas songs. Katya told me.”

I stop myself from falling to the floor at Adore’s drunken antics, moving to the bar to order a drink.

A few seconds later, Adore’s done singing and she curtseys before bringing the mic back to her huge lips.

“OK, all you motherfuckers out there need to tune into Tune.105 every day at 6.00PM to hear me be a slutty weather girl. OK, thank you.” She passes the mic to the DJ oblivious to the fact he had turned her mic down half way through her self promo. She stumbles away from the stage running to hug me. Her drunkenness causes her to practically topple over on me.

“Wow, you were great up there, Adore.” I commend her.

“I know, man.” She slurs.

“Willam, you’re up!” We hear Dela shout.

“Oh, fuck.” Willam, swears downing a shot. “This should be good.”

We cheer (well I did, Adore could only manage a nod) as she makes her way to the stage. She takes the mic from the DJ after choosing her song.

“Don’t judge me if this sucks.” Willam commented as the music started.

Then she begins a cover of I wanna Dance with Somebody. I cringe as she starts going all Mariah Carey on us. She’s not even drunk which only makes the scene extra hilarious.

Willam glances in my direction and I laugh before blowing a kiss mockingly. I then look to Adore who just looks in another world, smiling like a Cheshire cat and her eyes slightly closed. Don’t drink, kids.

-_-_-_-

An hour later, we’re slightly drunk and discussing Disney movies in a booth.

“That’s horse shit.” Willam comments, taking a sip of her margarita. “That’s the worst Disney movie ever made.”

“No! Frozen is the best. I think the Box Office figures should clearly show that.” I defend my point. “What makes Frozen so bad?”

“The fact it’s basically the Lion King?” Willam suggests. I scoff which encourages her to continue her point. “They both open up with songs of their origin language, both families in the movies are faced with tragedy causing the hero to run away and sing a song about forgetting about their worries while their homes are turning to shit…”

“Well, the Lion King was theorized to be based off Kimba the White Lion so technically Frozen is still not based off the Lion King.” I feel the regret to inform her as I feel proud and take a sip of my drink.

“So, Courtney,” Willam starts, trying to avoid the fact I’m right, “What do you actually want to do in life?”

“Like as a career?” I question, feeling confused by the question. “I wanna keep working for Tune.”

“Yeah, but do you actually wanna be a news bulletin writer for the rest of your life?” Willam suggested.

I blink at the forward question. “Well to be honest I haven’t really thought about it.”

“Well maybe you should ‘cause I think you would make a really good script writer for the radio packages.” She pauses to look me seriously in the eye and places a hand over mine. “Or who knows; maybe you could go write for a newspaper and then in the future you could be writing for Time magazine!”

“I honestly don’t know, Willam.” I groan. “Part of me says that I do have better things going for me. But another part of me is telling me to stay with Tune. I can’t leave my friends.”

Willam’s silent for a few seconds before she scoffs. “Goddammit, I was trying to hypnotize you with my eyes. Anyway, back to the serious part. I seriously think you should keep thinking about it, Court.”

“I will. I promise.” I smile at her.

There’s a moment in which we’re just silent, staring at each other and smiling. How weird. Who just sits in a bar and stares at someone?

A hand slams down on the table, freaking us the fuck out, shocking us back to reality.

“YOU BITCHES LOOK LIKE YOU NEED SOME SHOTS!”

I’m startled when a round tray practically falls down onto the table in front of me. There are five shots of tequila. Willam’s got one too. Yikes.

Tammy, Robbie, Bianca and Raja and sitting around us urging us to down the little glasses of death.

“A toast to the happy couple.” Tammie teased.

“Haha. Yeah, it’s a comedy party tonight.” Willam groaned, sarcasm thick in her tone. She eyes the tray of shots with a hint of regret in her eyes.

“Let’s just get it over with.” I act like I’m brushing off the fact I’m worried for my head. I lift the first glass to which Willam mimics. We look at each other before quickly downing the first glass and moving on to the others. It was safe to say that by the last one I was completely obnoxiously drunk.

The group around us cheer and tease me about how I look a bit green. Willam’s distracted by the DJ as someone just finishes their song.

“We got any more volunteers for the night?” The DJ asks.

“I say you have a turn, Courtney.” Willam turns to me.

I cringe at the thought of singing in my current state. “I don’t think that’s possible.”

Willam turns to face the DJ and points at me. “She’ll do it!”

Lifting my wide eyes to her I begin to protest and make excuses as to why I wouldn’t sing. Stage fright…too drunk…can barely see through glassy eyes…

5 minutes later I’m on stage throwing myself around screaming the words to I love Rock and Roll by the ever so wonderful Joan Jett. I swear I have stumbled 5 times. Like not, discreetly. It looks like I’m ready to crash. And it’s all because of me throwing myself around this small stage. But I can’t help it. I just feel so happy. And complete. I just love feeling this way. And I love Willam. I swear.

-_-_-_-

“Courtney…”

“Willam?”

“We’re both incredibly drunk…” Willam pauses, slipping an arm around my waist. We’re just sitting in the booth watching Adore and Jaremi sing. Well, trying to sing. They are smashed. And I’m smashed. Willam’s smashed. Basically the place completely smashed.

It’s rather empty now. Half of the staff were gone. Jinkx and DJ were sitting in a booth talking quietly to each other. Matt and Jay are trying to be discreet in another booth, rolling joints. Alyssa’s at the bar blushing like a teenage girl with Tatianna drunkenly singing Meatlove to her. And there’s a few others.

And as I said before, there’s Adore and Jaremi.

“You’re a bum! You’re a punk!” Adore screams at Jaremi through the mic nearly deafening the remainder of the crowd.

“You’re an old slut on junk! Lying there almost dead! On a drip in that bed” Jaremi rebukes in a really bad Irish accent.

Adore looks like she’s about to tackle Jaremi. Like really pounce on him and beat the shit into him. But I can’t help but just sit and laugh at the scene. “You scumbag! You maggot! You cheap lousy faggot! Happy Christmas your arse, I pray God, It’s our last!”

Luckily she doesn’t pounce as they wrap their arms around each others shoulders looking out to the audience. How dramatic.

“The boys of the NYPD choir still singing ‘Galway Bay’ and the bells are ringing out for Christmas day.”

Adore whispers something to Jaremi and nearly tumbles off the stage as she approaches Willam and I, leaving poor Jaremi looking for a new partner to sing with.

“I got bored. Some asshole keeps playing Christmas songs guys. I swear I wanna shoot my face.” Adore slurs as she slides up to us.

“Do you want to go home?” I try to utter, feeling quite light myself.

“Yeaman shore.” Adore slurs quietly.

“What was that?”

“Yeah man…suuure…”

“OK, we’ll call a cab.” I reassure her. “It’ll go to your place first- -”

“Noooo…I wanna stay with you tonight, Court’,” Adore slurs, grabbing onto my elbows and bending over while groaning. I sigh heavily looking to Willam for help.

“It’s OK.” Willam nods reassuringly. “Take her for tonight. We’ll catch up.”

I smile looking down to Adore. “Lighten up, soldier. You’re coming home with me.”

Adore squeals with excitement, hugging me abruptly which startles me in my drunken state. Willam does her seal laugh as she helps pull Adore away from me and to the door. The taxi’s already outside. I guess Willam called it whilst Adore begged me to stay over.

-_-_-_-

The ride home is painful. Willam is on the left, I’m on the right and Adore is in the middle singing Hakuna Matata.

Was I happy to have Adore come home with me? Of course I am. I want to make sure she’s OK. She’s in a worse state than me despite how drunk I am. Someone needs to take care of her.

But I also want to be going home with Willam. Practically the moment she was singing in the bar I was itching to get her home and in my bed. But like she said; She’ll make it up to me.

"I’ll text you next time you wanna meet up.” Willam holds my hands as she stands beside the cab. I look around to Adore who’s fiddling with my keys at the front door. Looking back round to Willam I lean forward so our foreheads are touching.

“I’ll be waiting.” I whisper.

Willam’s hand slips to the back of my neck drawing my lips to crash onto hers. Our lips move rhythmically before letting our tongues explore each others mouths. I could’ve swore I just heard her moan slightly. I swear this kiss is killing me and it’s only just begun. Goddammit why did I have to agree to letting Adore stay over? I swear I would do anything to have her come in with me.

“SHAAAAAAAAME!” Adore yells before letting out a train of cackles.

“Adore!” I shout after her as she enters the house.

I turn to Willam again to see her smirking. I manage to stifle a laugh. She leans forward leaving a soft kiss on my mouth before bidding me goodnight. I return the gesture as she gets into the cab. I watch as it pulls away and keep watching until it disappears out of my line of vision. I turn and make my way into the house, ready to struggle getting a very drunken Adore into bed.

#witney #courtney act #willam belli #bendelacreme #adore delano #alyssa edwards #fluff #angst #au #cisgirl au #tw alcohol #grinder #rpdr fanfiction #submission #lesbian au #cisfl

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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"Ugly" Chapter [1/?] (Witney) - Queenie

AN: Hi everyone! So since there’s a shocking shortage of Witney out there (at least to me as Witney trash) I decided to just submit something myself. I’m kinda scared to be honest because english isn’t my first language and I’m not that confident in my writing anyways, but this is about having some fun writing my favorite pairing, right? So I’m giving you this little introduction to a fic I’ve been thinking about for a while now in which Willam and Courtney (both female btw) were a couple before Courtney’s singing career took off and they parted ways. Now she’s a huge star preparing for her first worldwide tour and there’s some unsolved conflicts that still haunt the both of them. Because I wasn’t gonna write original music for this I’m just going to use either Courtney’s own songs or pretend Ariana Grande’s music is Courtney’s since some of her lyrics are perfect for the idea I have in mind ;) If you guys enjoy this first (admittedly quite short) chapter I’m happy to continue the fic on here. - Queenie

-Willam-

I’m drunk. Very, very drunk. Everyone can see that and yet I take another shot from a guy who dubiously introduced himself as „the barkeeper“ even though I had never seen him working at the club before. He is just going around filling everyone’s glasses with a clear liquid from a large plastic bottle without a label and without anyone asking for it. But nobody is complaining either.

As I swallow the drink I can feel it burning my insides and I take a deep breath to intensify the sensation as I’m observing the room. It’s filled with thick smoke and smells like a mixture of alcohol and sweat laced with the desperation of about 300 strangers trying to get laid tonight. I can’t say I don’t like the smell, but my head is spinning already as a result of what seems to have been lighter fluid in the weird guy’s plastic bottle so I need some fresh air.

I’m making my way through countless twitching and grinding bodies towards the exit oft he club, I feel hands trying to grab me and I hear people calling my name but fort he first time in weeks I don’t feel like answering them. Sure, I dress up to get their attention, but with a budding headache in the base of my neck I’m suddenly not in the mood for talking, dancing or fooling around with people I barely know. Outside, where a group of slightly shivering party goers are smoking cigarettes, I lean against the cooling brick wall oft he building. The pink neon letters over the entrance are blurring out the ugliness of the cigarette-butt and gum littered sidewalk like a real-life Instagram filter.

It’s cold, but since there’s presently more alcohol running through my body than blood the information that I should be freezing in my belt-like skirt and the strappy tank top doesn’t reach my brain. I’m tempted to ask one oft he equally lightly dressed girls for a cigarette but just as I open my mouth to speak, someone else pushes open the door practically falling onto the sidewalk. It’s my best friend Ant looking like a hot mess in his ragged fur coat and his metallic blue lipstick smeared all across his bearded face. He smiles up to me like an idiot and drags himself into a standing position clinging on to a trashcan and a bottle of beer. If i thought I was smashed before it was nothing compared to him, trying to stand upright and clearly struggeling to fix both his eyes on my face.

„You should come back inside“, he slurs „The guys tonight are smokin‘ hot ‘n some of the girls too, i guess….I mean i wouldn’t fuck’em but they’re sure nice to look at, just like you.“

His drunken compliment makes me smile a bit. He’s never beating around the bush when it comes to stating his opinion, but he rarely compliments me on my look because he thinks it will somehow make him less gay.

„I know but I think I’m just gonna call it a day now“, I say slowly and push myself off the wall.

„You can’t just leave me alone Will, I’m gonna get roofied or somethin‘…“, he whimpers and bends forward in an attempt to place his empty beer bottle on the floor, which just makes him stumble a few steps backwards before falling flat on his ass.

„Well I hate to break it to you“, I say without bothering to help him up „but it’s easy enough taking you home the way you are now. No need for roofies, pastabody.“

„Suit yourself, girl. I’m gonna get trade tonight and you can do…“, he’s struggeling to get up again „…whatever“, he closes his speech and stumbles back inside, leaving the now smashed beer bottle behind.

Tonight had been a night like many other in the past few months. Countless faces blurred into one by too much alcohol and too much weed. I can’t remember a single meaningful conversation I’ve had this week and I don’t know why I’m suddenly over it. I want my old life back, where I still partied every other night but never to the point where walking in 5 inch heels had become a problem. Right now my feet wouldn’t cooperate with me, even if I could muster a coherent thought about where I wanted them to bring me now. After all it’s only 1 in the morning. With a vague craving for something sweet I cross the street and stumble my way towards a dimly lit 24hr diner which I hope is serving cinnamon rolls at this ungodly hour.

The place is packed with people of the night so I slide into a seemingly empty booth by the toilets only to find myself seated opposite a young girl sleeping face down and drooling with her head on the table.

„Rough night, huh bitch?“, I ask and flip open the menu lying next to one of her spit (or vomit?) soaked strands of hair. „Me too. At least they’re serving cinnamon rolls around here“, I continue my monologue and wave for the waitress.

While waiting for my food I scan the small room with tired eyes and tired eyes are staring back at me. Everyone in here looks worn out. Not one person is talking. Only the occasional rattling of dishes and some music humming through the speakers disturb the otherwise perfect silence and in that very moment I feel incredibly lonely. Drinking tricks your brain into thinking everything is fine, when it’s not. Smoking pot weaves a net around your brain that protects it from negative thoughts until the effect wears off and the net has holes, letting eveything through and trapping it inside.

Deep inside of me I know that there’s plenty trying to break the bonds of that net right now and I also know that I can’t let it do that because it will punch me in the throat and probably kill me.

„I shoulda saw it comin’

I shoulda saw the signs

But I wanted to believe you, trust you

You said you wouldn’t lie…“

Involuntarily my hand smashes down on the table. I can feel a scream bubble up in my chest, and for once, I don’t want to push it back down. The song on the radio has changed and is ringing in my ears, strangely distorted, like in my nightmares. The sleeping girl’s head has snapped up from the table and she looks at me with a mix of terror and confusion before hurriedly sliding out of her seat and making a run for the door.

„But baby you were so good, so good

You had me goin’ blind

You said it was your best friend, I’m guessing

I wasn’t your type, hey…“

I feel betrayed by the universe sitting here, my breathing heavy and ragged, my ex-girlfriend singing to me on the radio. I‘ve never listened to the song all the way through, although it’s been eating at me for months.

„What goes around comes around

And if it goes up, it comes down

I know you’re mad ‘cause I found out

Want you to feel what I feel right now…“

“Court.” I whisper her name for the first time in months, and it rolls off my tongue naturally. All the pain I‘ve been trying to avoid washes over me, knocking the breath right out of me in this tiny diner surrounded by strangers.

It’s been nine months, and sixteen days since I left her at that airport, and for a while after we were fine. We tried to make the long distance thing work, and I thought it was going well, until Courtney had ended things. Since then, my life has been a constant downward spiral, while Courtney’s is on an all time high.

#ugly #witney #courtney act #willam belli #angst #au #queenie #tw drug use #tw language #rpdr fanfiction #submission #lesbian au

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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"Ugly" Chapter [2/?] (Witney) - Queenie

AN: Hey everyone, so here’s the second chapter of Ugly. I’m not sure I can continue updating as much in the next few weeks as I have to go back to work and the next two months are gonna be a bitch. But for now enjoy this chapter in which Willam and Courtney are still miles apart but together at heart. (*queue deafening applause for that rhyme*) - Queenie

- Willam -

We started out singing in bars together. Not for money, just for fun and because we enjoyed each others company. Putting sets together and performing them with someone like Courtney wasn‘t something that had ever come to my mind when I’d thought about making music more regularly. But there she had been with all of her enthusiasm,countless ideas and the unshakeable belief that both of us were meant to become something bigger than two barstools and a guitar on a Saturday night.

Me, the loveable asshole everybody wanted to fuck and her, Courtney, the sweetest bitch you would ever meet and whom everybody wanted to be friends with. They also wanted to fuck her, but unfortunately for them she happened to be madly in love with yours truly. And as much as I hated to admit it to myself or anyone else for that matter, I was in love with her, too.

Months and months of me trying to figure out what had been wrong with my sex drive had resulted in the conclusion that it wasn’t anything physical that stopped me from sleeping around, but an emotion I hadn’t felt in years.

But then, mere weeks after we (and by „we“ I mean mostly me) finally managed to overcome the struggle to admit our feelings for eachother, she became distant. We used to talk about the future a lot, suddenly we didn’t anymore.

She used to tell me eveything she’d done in a day, suddenly she wouldn’t anymore.

I used to feel like she maybe could be my endgame, but suddenly I wasn’t so sure.

I only found out why, because shortly after an argument we had about her increasingly secretive behavior which resulted in me packing a bag and moving in with Ant for a few days, she released her first single. A few months after that, her first album.

The reason she’d been distant was that in her relentless efforts to make us the next big thing she had been picked up by a label and decided she was better off without me screwing with her head all the time.

Taking advantage oft he fact that I was constantly blaming myself for everything that went wrong in her life because I was such a fuck up, she had told me nonchalantly that she never really intended for me to be part of her plan to become famous because I would mess it up the moment I got all the attention.

Ever since then she’s become one of the biggest pop acts in the world, with nearly every single she releases going straight to the top of the charts. I‘m now 25, and have stopped making music entirely. The whole thing has drained every ounce of motivation out of my slowly deteriorating body and mind.

I sigh as I listen to the song, wondering who it is about. I used to be able to close my eyes and still trace all the lines of her face perfectly. Now when I close them, all I see is the last magazine cover she was smiling down on me from at every single fucking newspaper stand. She became a stranger faster than I thought was possible, but remembering our last conversation is no problem for me, as it seems to be burned into my mind for good.

“I don’t know what you want me to say! It’s been a year since I last saw you, Willam! A fucking year, did you expect me to sit around and be celibate and wait for you?! I know that you haven’t been!” Courtney was shouting into the phone, and I paced the room as I listened, my blood boiling.

Waking up to find out the love of your life met somebody else is never a good thing.

“I expected you to fucking talk to me about it, at least! Letting me find out through a magazine, Court? Really?! What kind of person does that? WHO ARE YOU??” I shouted back, listening to her breathing harshly.

“Do you have any clue how long I’ve been trying to touch base with you? You never answer my calls anymore. We never talk, we never see each other, it was pointless! This, us… it was over and hopeless and I tried my best but I just can’t do it anymore.” She was crying now, he could tell by the way her voice broke.

But while the old Courtney would be sniffling and sobbing into the phone, unable to hold her emotions back, the new Courtney was trying to remain composed, hiding her tears and forcing herself to choke her sobs down. She even held the phone away from her while she blew her nose.

"How many people have you been with since you left?” I asked softly, my voice sounding tired and raspy. I was sick of yelling at her, of fighting with her.

“Don’t ask me that question unless you’re prepared to answer it yourself.”

I stayed silent, rubbing my hand over my face slowly.

“So now what? Hmm? We’re just supposed to say goodbye and that’s it?” I whispered, gripping the phone tightly in my already cramping fist.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him, but what’s done is done. I can’t… I can’t exactly leave him to be with you when I can’t even be with you to begin with. I tried to tell you, its been months since I last spoke to you… all I get from you are random texts and that’s supposed to satisfy me? I’m sorry. I can’t sit around and wait for someone who’s not coming.” She was whispering as well, her voice continually breaking, but she kept trying to cover it up.

“Its my fault then? You slept with a guy and it’s my fault?” I laughed humorlessly.

“You’ve slept with other girls!” She shouted, “Stop pretending you haven’t!”

“Its not the same thing!” I shouted back, scrunching my eyebrows and standing up, beginning to pace again.

“How?!” She screeched, “Please, fucking enlighten me on how you get a free pass and I don’t!”

“You get attached!! You only sleep with people when you really like them, when you’re attached to them, when it means something! Not one of these girls, not a damn one has meant shit to me compared to you! I did it because I get drunk and stupid, you did it after carefully thinking it through! You knew what you were doing, Courtney, and you didn’t care about how it would affect us.”

“There is no US! There hasn’t been an us since you last came to New York!” She yelled, and everything got quiet.

I breathed heavily into the phone, listening to her silence, thinking that she was probably standing there with her hand clasped over her mouth in shock at her own words. He knew he was in shock, he never expected Courtney to be the one saying these things.

“I hope you know that I loved you.” I whispered.

“Willam…”

“I never did anything to purposefully hurt you, I would never do that to someone I love, but you obviously don’t have the same values as me.”

“Will, stop it. Please. I do love you, you know I do…”

“Lies!” I growled then, feeling tears escape my eyes and stroll over my heated cheeks. I didn’t even know if they were angry tears or sad tears. “I mean nothing to you!”

Courtney gasped and then was silent, the only sound coming through were her short, raspy breaths.

“You were everything to me.” I whispered, my body falling back down onto the bed, leaning forward, resting my elbows on my legs and cradling my head in my hands.

“I’m sorry, Will. I’m just sorry.” She said quietly, her voice even and composed once again.

“Yeah. Me too.” I said, opening my eyes slowly and staring down at the ground.

I swore that as I whispered my next words, I could feel the earth shake under my feet. I could feel the stars fall from the sky, could feel tornadoes, volcanoes and hurricanes. The entire world, my entire world, seemed to tilt sideways, making everything crash and burn.

“Goodbye, Courtney.”

“Will…” Was all she managed to get out before I pulled the phone from my ear and launched it at the nearest wall. It shattered instantly, glass flying from the screen, everything going black.

And it was over.

I snap out of my memories, swallow harshly and gently get up from my table before the waitress arrives to bring my food and leave the diner as if nothing happened.

But something did happen, I thought about Courtney for the first time in over a year. I listened to her sing for the first time in what felt like an eternity. I let the memory of her take over my body and bruise and bloody my knuckles.

And now all I can think about is that last phone call, and I wonder if it could have gone differently. Maybe if I hadn’t smashed my phone, she would have called right back. Maybe if I would have told her I was going to try harder, she would have stayed with me. Maybe if I would have just flown to see her one last time, she would have held me and kissed me and made everything okay.

I want to rewind this day, go back to last night, and stop myself from going home with the blond girl from the club who looked a tiny bit like Courtney. I want to stop myself from wrapping my body around hers’ the morning after. I want to avoid the disappointment when she didn’t smell like Courtney. I want to stop myself from listening to Courtney’s song on the radio. I wish I could take it all away and go back to yesterday, where I was comfortably numb, pretending that she no longer exists.

-Courtney-

I hide behind my sunglasses, resting my face on the table top as my manager, assistant and tour director ramble on about my upcoming tour. It is supposed to be worldwide, my first one, and I‘m excited to see all the beautiful countries I‘ve never been to before.

“…no, the supporting act we had lined up isn’t going to be able to do the whole tour, they can only do the international dates. We need someone to do the North American leg of the tour.”

“Well, it should be someone unknown, right? They shouldn’t take away from Court’s spotlight.”

“I think it should be someone well known, it will just add to the tour.”

I roll my eyes and fling my sunglasses onto the table, leaning back in my chair and rubbing my eyes. “Just pick somebody, who cares?”

“Oh, okay, princess. We’ll just have the freaking Wiggles open for you then, how’s that?”

I laugh at my manager, Michelle, and her snarky comment. “Very funny.”

My tour director, Carson speaks next. “Well, the label did have an idea. I told them no, but it would be…huge.”

“Carson, we already talked about this…” Michelle warns him, glancing from me to Carson and then back at me.

“Who is it?” I ask, my voice quiet.

“It’s a bad idea…” Michelle shakes her head.

Adore, my assistant, smiles. “I think it would be nice. A little reunion.”

My body tenses up instantly, “A reunion?”

Michelle shifts uncomfortably in her seat.

“The label wants that friend of yours, whom you praised so much when they wanted to sign you, to be a new face they can introduce on this tour. See her potential, you know. You were eager to get her in, too back then. Right?” Carson says softly, shrugging.

“Yeah but they never wanted her in the first place, because she was „a risky investment“. I knew it, I knew they were gonna pull this shit, pitting us against each other after making us grow apart over this first!” I snap, standing up, and snatching my sunglasses off the table. I turn away from them and storm out of the room, not without making a lot of unnecessary noise in the process.

“But think of all the good things that can come from this! You two could rekindle? Courm!” Adore is chasing after me first, the other two following close behind. “This tour could be huge, Courtney!”

I continue to charge down the hallway, shoving my sunglasses on and shaking my head roughly, refusing to listen to this shit. “I want nothing to do with her! Nothing!”

“She’s a mess, Courtney!” Carson is shouting now and watches me stop in my tracks. I don’t turn around, but tilt my head to let him know I‘m listening.

“She’s drinking herself to death, she doesn’t even sing anymore and all those…“, Carson is ringing with words „…affairs.” He practically spits and sounds utterly desperate. I figure that his job must be on the line here. I do like Carson, I don’t want him to get fired over this, and yet.

„How do you even know all of this stuff about her“, I ask, suspicion thick in my voice „Are they spying on people now?“

“You two have been through a lot, Courm, you’ve told me as much but this could be something to bond over again.” Adore whispers, completely ignoring my question, touching my arm slightly. I pull it away.

„How do you know these things about Willam?“, I press, feeling the old instinct to protect her from people misjudging her well up in my chest. This is creepy and wrong and judging from the faces looking back at me right now I know everyone here is thinking the same thing.

„It doesn’t matter how or why we know all of this, because it doesn’t change the fact, that it’s all true. She needs someone, you, to help her get back on track. Even if it’s just for a little while.“, Carson is speaking slowly and in a quiet voice as if he’s trying to hypnotise me into saying yes „Don’t you think you can do that for an old friend? Just for the sake of, let’s say nostalgia?“

Old friend. I almost choke on everything I want to throw at him right now. Carson knows as little as anyone else in my new life. They don’t know about what Willam and I shared when it was just the two of us in our little world covering Kylie Minogue for a small group of people every other night. They don’t know that when the label told me, that they wanted me and not Willam I did the only thing I thought was less hurtful for her ego than being rejected by an actual record label and told her, that I had always been out for my own advantage and success. I said to her all the things the label had said about her, as if they were coming from me. And I had hurt her, but not as much as it would have hurt to know that she wasn’t good enough for the industry.

It all wouldn’t have been too bad. I could have endured the pain of being separated from Willam, knowing that I had spared her worse. I had tried turning things around, promising her that I hadn’t done it because I hated her so we could at least go our seperate ways withou hating each other and she could move on, succeeding in something other than music. But everything had escalated and we we had practically become strangers.

I had moved on…ish. She had seemingly moved on. And on. And on. And now there was a gap between us that we would never be able to close, even if we wanted to.

But in a way her joining the tour would be what I always wanted to happen. Willam being recognised for what she did best: entertaining people with her music. It would look like the label wanted her on the tour, not me. That I had just given in because there was no other choice.

And she would be happy.

Maybe not happy to spend time with me.

But happy.

And that’s all I need.

“Okay. Let‘s do it.”

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