#also i just woke up from a 3 hr nap and i feel like shit lmfaooo

[ghostboyjules]

about me

omg tagged first by @mathomhouse-e and then right as I was abt to post this @wordsinhaled tagged me too!! so delighted and honored to be in this wonderful group of mutuals, y'all make my heart warm 💖🥰

Nickname: Jules, I guess, counts? other than that I don't really have a current one... @weirdfishy has been calling me ghostie tho, which I absolutely adore 🥺💕

Sign: Aquarius Sun, Aries Moon, Gemini Rising (Cap Mercury, and if y'all wanna talk astrology my dm's are always open lmaaoo)

Height: 5'7 or 5'8 on a good day (a.k.a when my sciatica isn't elbow dropping me to death)

Last thing I googled: "piercing places" and before that, "images of a shrimp" which I'm including because I thought that was very funny

Song stuck in my head: surprisingly I don't have one up there right now?? well.. I guess kinda,, but it's like a mix of a couple. All Up In Your Mind by Beyoncé, Genghis Khan by Miike Snow, Go Your Own Way by Fleetwood Mac, and In a Week by Hozier.. weird combo of songs but they're kinda cycling through my brain like a weird spirit box-esque radio station

Number of followers: 713 (😳, most of these are like, weird bots or deactivated blogs but still woah..)

Amount of sleep: hmm generally I get anywhere from 3-7 hrs, but as of right this moment (10:38pm) I've had 4hrs 36mins of Actual Sleep (from last night to when I woke up for work this morning) and then a 2 hr nap (before I started dinner this evening)

Dream job: Archivist of Some Sort™ in the Library of Congress,,, with a specialty in Thanatology?? I don't really know the specifics yet but something along those lines ig, if at all possible

Wearing: ..... a gray Cowboy Garfield t-shirt with the phrase "when I die I may not go to heaven. I don't know if they let cowboys in." and black underwear (THESE ARE MY PAJAMAS, OKAY? had to include the undies so you would get the Look™, I can't just say I'm wearing a t-shirt and leave it at that obvi... ajdjakfkg)

Movies/books that summarize you: my brain can't decide which way it wants to take this, so I'm just gonna answer with the Books/movies that I feel has shaped who I am as a person, currently. LOTR & the Hobbit trilogies, The Raven Cycle series by Maggie Stiefvater, the Conjuring (only the first one 🔪), Spirited Away, and The Labyrinth. OH SHIT almost forgot, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children.

Favorite song: this changes daily 😐 rn tho I think probably Blood Upon the Snow by Hozier and Bear McCreary

Favorite instrument: Pipe Organ, Cello, Bass Clarinet, and the voice

Aesthetic: uh... weird goth gay uncle who is lazy and also a witch? is that anything?

Favorite authors: oof alright, well. Maggie Stiefvater, Neil Gaiman, Nora Sakavic, Gege Akutami, Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler), and a handful of Fanfic Authors that I won't list here because I'm terrified of forgetting someone, but know that I am absolutely counting them and will forever remember their names

Random fun fact: I really love playing guitar hero games but I've never once really tried to learn how to play the guitar

thanks again for tagging me, you two 🥺🥰🥰 y'all have already tagged a lot of the peeps I would have tagged in fandom (so if I tag you again, my bad beloved homies just ignore me lmao), but let's see here... @weirdfishy, @watermelon-mafia, @rabooots, @aquilathefighter, @leave-me-alone-doctor, @eel-divinity, @an-asuryampasya, @pacospandora, @rainbowvamp, @runningheadless, and @howlittleweare <3 WHEW no obligation to do this at all obvi, but if you don't, this is just a reminder that ily 😘 if you do tho, I also love you 💖 okay g'night, loves

#my beloved mutuals ✨ #jules.taggame✨ #y'all my brain is... it's a wild time up there #okay not gonna ramble here too long I'm sleepy again ajakfkgk #if y'all need something elaborated on by all means #ask away cause I know I said some weird shit in here 💀 sjfisifkkg #mathom and N are like the coolest ppl ever and their answers reflect that and then here I am just being #absolutely unhinged #the outfit answers are ones I'm thinking abt specifically like theirs sounds fuckin PHENOMENAL and I'm just like '... Garfield Shirt'

[onlyseokmins]

I just woke up from a nap(? is it still a nap when it's been like 4 hours lol?), so I'm pretty rested, thanks <3 No worries, I'm a history major :) I liked it a lot when I was younger so, I decided I might as well take it all the way to university. Also, honestly? I'd accept the proposal. Uni is tiring lmao. I'm ready to embrace my inner housewife. You deserve all the hype in the world 💕

Nah, my bias is Jisung actually. No idea where you got the idea that my bias is Hyunjin from /j. Still though, I feel so dumb when I ask mutuals something only to check their about me sections and the answer is right there. Clownery 💀 I appreciate you all for answering nonetheless.

I'm so serious lol. I fully support the Elv slut agenda in 2023. Also, I'm glad my nonsense could provide you with some amusement mid-work 😂

A 4 hr nap sounds lovely 😩 that's like 1-3 hrs less than I sleep at night so I wish that was me hahah. That's awesome! It's so nice to go for smth you like 💃🏻 altho I know uni is so exhausting 😭 so proud of all your efforts

LOL not him being my bias (altho I am more of a 3racha girl for safe measures) but that's saur funny... No me too, I'm quite dumb and will say/ask the same shit over and over 😭 at least we can be clowns together!

I truly appreciate it haha 😂 an empty 9hr day can get really slow quickly sjksks so answering asks is much easier for me if I'm not doing anything

#Sometimes my mentor will throw smth random at me tho so that's nice 😂 #Also super hype for your 1k 👁 super big congrats! #rj 🍒 #that-one-hyunjin-stan #ez.mootz #ez.inbox

[scoups4lyfe]

Journal Entries. (2)

These are all mood journal entries (so super short / concise) of mine; where I chart my daily moods over a period of time.

These chronicle the time right before I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist (March) and when I started medication (antidepressants) for my depression / fatigue.

NOTE: These don't contain any long thoughts, literally just mood observations. But I think it does a pretty good job at showing just how inconsistent and sudden mood episodes / switching can be, and why they're so debilitating for trying to live a normal everyday life. I added some gifs / pictures for rando visuals LOL. Truly complete the reading experience 🤪.

Part: [1], [2], [3], [4] Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]

...

March 27th, 2021

Slept: 4am. Woke: 4pm

Mood: 2/10 Energy: Neutral (Maybe a 2/10)

I just feel empty. Like I need to go hibernate/go back to sleep. I’m not hungry. I’m not particularly motivated, and I kind of wish my sister would sit down and watch Hannibal with me and my mom, so it bums me out that she continues to put that off/ignore it.

I’m tired, man. It’s 8:21 pm, and I’m already thinking about going back to bed. When my family hangs out, I can be mindless and just let their good mood and entertainment take over. Other than that, I don’t feel particularly interested in doing anything, though I know I should. I have things to do. I don’t even feel bad about not doing anything. Just empty. Just ready to sleep.

March 28/29th, 2021:

:(

NOTE: Visual reference of what I looked like during this time

March 30th, 2021:

Bed: 6:30 pm. Woke: 4:30 am

Mood: -1/10

My mood can be directly related to how many gluten free brownies I’ve eaten today. (Thee ONLY thing I’ve eaten too might I add.) (it’s 5pm)

…

[Started taking meds]

Tuesday July 6th 2021 (6:03 pm) (12th)

NOTE: The number next to the date is the number of days since I started taking medication

took meds (YES)

I was kinda so depressed from the doctor’s visit and loss of money that even with the meds, it couldn’t stop me from sleeping. LOL.

Thursday July 8th 2021 (12:10 pm) (14th)

took meds: yes

I had enough energy to watch [my niece]

I had enough energy to have a mental breakdown.

Tuesday July 13th 2021 (19th)

took meds: yes (4:44 pm)

I feel so tired…fatigued….

Thursday, July 15th 2021 (21st)

took meds: yes (2:47)

Slept four hours

Overall energy: 3/10

Mood:4.5:10

Napped for three hours, had dinner + caffeinated tea and I feel shaky-awake.

Bruh I did not sleep (for the 16th) at all 💀💀💀.

Friday, July 16th, 2021 (22nd)

took meds: yes (12:06pm)

Haha going to bed right after I took my meds 😛🤷

Friday July 23rd, 2021 (31st)

took meds: yes (11:12 am)

This week idk. It’s been weird? Like tired and then also hyper fixated on nonsense =DD.

Why (2:40 pm) am I so tired? Don’t want to do anything.

(Currently Saturday morning, 6;22 am and I can’t sleep. I’m NOT tired. But I want to sleep.)

This is the WORST.

Saturday July 24th, 2021 (32nd)

took meds: 7:21 pm

I feel wired and tired and just like I can’t do anything even tho I have the energy to

Sunday July 25th, 2021 (33rd)

took meds: yes (11:26 am)

I know I woke up at 8pm today, but man I really don’t want to do SHIT. (And after drinking that nasty ass fiber supplement, I’m feeling tired =o. When will this insanity end?)

Tuesday July 27th 2021 (35th)

took meds: yes (10:04 am)

Mood (10:07 am): 7/10

Energy (10:07 am): 6.7/10

Wednesday July 28th 2021 (36th)

took meds: yes (4:23pm)

Literally went to sleep at 1am and woke up at 4:15 pm. Wtf? (I slept 16hrs LOL)

Mood (6:03 pm): 6.5/10

Energy (6:03 pm): 7.2/10

Today was a good day, I got more work done than yesterday :)).

(3:19, Thursday am): laid down and tried to sleep but now I feel more awake than ever.

Thursday July 29th 2021 (37th)

took meds: yes (4:29 pm)

Went to bed last night at 8am, woke up at 4:33 pm. (I hate not being able to fall asleep. Is it because I slept for 16 hrs the previous night? #sucks.)

Mood (7:44 pm): 7.5/10

Energy: (7:44 pm): 6.4/10

Friday July 30th 2021 (38th)

took meds: yes (8:15 pm)

I almost forgot to take them today ahhhhhh

Mood: 6/10

Energy: 6.7/10

Saturday July 31st 2021 (39th)

I have plenty of energy (I haven’t taken my meds yet) and yet I feel like I’m going insane. I. Can’t do anything right. Why why why why why must I continue to be a failure? I had something good going for me wtf is wrong with me? I don’t want to wake up anymore

Took meds: yes (11:44 am)

(Slept till 9pm, it’s 8:22 am Sunday and I’m still awake. But on the plus side I’m not careening dangerously into another mental breakdown.,,yet)

Sunday August 1st 2021 (40th)

took meds: yes (12:17 pm)

I haven’t slept yet today

General mood: hmmm 5/10 (12:18pm)

I do feel a little tired but that’s probably because I’ve been up since 9pm.

Generally tho I’m feeling pretty okay. (Guess we’ll see how the rest of today goes lol.)

[Prev] [Next]

#yeah these are absolutely wild to read in hindsight #LOL #me: I never said this #the july 31st entry is fvcking wild #what even was going on that day??? #writing #manic depression #bipolaire #actually bipolar #fvcking moodswings ⚡️✌️ #a scoup of life 🔫🦆 #my thougts #online diary #journal

[hoelpimentel]

#joel #joel pimentel #pic #jpic #cnco #there’s a half smile we’re getting there #also i just woke up from a 3 hr nap and i feel like shit lmfaooo #shouldnt have done that #i was supposed to study rip

[another-fantasy-world]

The Bets

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆      ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

GIF isn’t mine

Pairing: Elle Greenaway x Fem! Reader, Jemily

Summary: A little session of betting stupid shit with Morgan, Garcia and Dr. Reid gone wrong. or in which Elle and Y/N join the Mile High Club

Warnings: 18+ Mile High Club. (Which means light smut okay?) Brief Classic CM violence. Jemily cuteness and soft Elle.

Word Count: 2,016 words

Anyone ever wondered what it’d be like if Agent Greenaway worked with Agent Prentiss? I don’t think we were ready for the amount of POWER these two would have if they did work together. The amount of death glares and sass towards assholes and misogynistic men-

also, the lack of Elle fanfics is now considered a crime-

 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆      ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

It all started when you walked into the bullpen, bee lining to your desk, setting down your stuff and immediately hearing Morgan’s chuckles and Garcia’s giggling while they huddled around Reid’s desk.

“Ohhhkay? What is going on? I understand that like, there’s no case yet today but it’s waaaay too early for you guys to be giggling.” You furrowed your brows at them

“Nothing is going on cutie pie. You just made me win a bet. “ Garcia looked smug while Morgan just glared playfully

“How was I supposed to know that they didn’t have fun last night, much less leave a hickey?” He says, referring to you and Elle

Being the only couple who’s been formally approved by Hotch, Strauss and the HR, the both of you were proud of your relationship. Elle often comes in after you because you make her fetch your coffee in the morning, and you often disappear during lunch because you were off on a food run for her.

And don’t even get me started on her glaring at men who had the audacity to flirt with you, then smirking when you turn them down with an emotionless look on your face. She was yours and you were hers, and you both weren’t afraid to announce that.

“Oh we did. Just not last night. It was this morning.” you nonchalantly says, shrugging your shoulders

“Did you know that morning sex is better than evening sex?  Men can experience a daily 25-50% differential in testosterone in the morning, translating to a huge appetite for early sex. For women, however, significant changes in testosterone don’t happen daily, but monthly, with the largest increase happening mid-month during ovulation and that increase is not nearly as dramatic as what men experience...” Reid rants, making you all stare at him, not moving so as to not interrupt him.

“Thank you Reid for that interesting fact, where did you even learn that?” you ask him, you were truly curious as to where the doctor reads his facts when it was apparent that he hated the internet.

“Encyclopedia.” he states, a little giddy from just sharing what he knows.

“Psst. Lovergirl. Here comes your own personal devil.” Derek wiggled his brows, pointing with his eyes to the door, knowing that it’s Elle you just smirked and laughed.

“One, Lovergirl? Really? You couldn’t think of better nicknames?” You started, turning around to get your coffee from Elle, kissing her cheek

“Derek called you the devil.” You whispered to her

“What?” Elle playfully shoves Morgan

“Hey! No snitching!” He whined

Elle just gave him a pointed look before turning around, her desk just in front of Reid’s. She sits down before stealing your coffee. Your lips barely open to complain, but closed immediately when she gave you that same look she gave you earlier today when she was sipping...something else. With wide eyes and tomato red cheeks, you mumbled incoherent words before just walking away, embarrassed. You even forgot that she stole your café made coffee, all you could think of is Elle’s lips on yours, slowly kissing down-

Your cheeks reddened even more when you heard Morgan guffaw. Pouting slightly, you directed your attention to the stack of paperwork piled on your desk. You sorted them out first before actually doing it. A few minutes pass by and you feel a presence behind you, then they block your light, indicating they were tall and buff...

“What do you want Morgan?” You sighed out, closing a case file, moving into another one. Wanting to just finish and come home with your girlfriend and just cuddle.

“Bet you can’t make Elle blush like she did you.” He proudly stated

You looked at him with a ‘I’m so done with you’ face, you could see that he was serious and you just sighed, you might as well entertain yourself.

“You wanna put money on that?” Famous last words.

Morgan put 50 bucks on the line and you just couldn’t resist, you went on with your day as usual, frowning when you sift through tons of paperwork, dragging your feet just to get coffee from that damn awful coffee machine and finally, asking for Hotch’s permission to go out and get lunch which he approved, getting your keys, kissing Elle’s cheek, rushed out and went to that one food chain that both you and your girlfriend loved.

Girlfriend. Such a common word, but you and Elle made it special. All the emotions and feelings compiled in a 10 letter word, all the pain, tears, blood (you got shot protecting her and she slapped you when you woke up just because of that. But that’s also where she first kissed you, so no complaints really), pining, and happiness you guys went through just to get to this point.

Arriving at the BAU office, you hurried up, shifting your weight from one leg to the other as you watch the numbers go up anxiously, the line stretched on and on, making you at least 5 minutes late. Elle gets cranky when she’s hungry, and for your sake and the rest of the team, you hurried your ass up.

When the elevator finally arrived at your floor, you rush to Elle’s desk, who’s now glaring at the computer screen.

“Bubba~ I’m so sorry. Here, I’ll make it up to you” You set down the paper bags on her desk, you made sure to get extra just to make it up to her.

As you set down the paper bags, you discreetly leaned down, placing your lips right beside her ear and nibbled on it a bit, your hair providing the necessary curtain of privacy you needed. You quietly moaned as you briefly whispered a few profanities into her ear before straightening yourself up. Smirking at how red Elle’s ears and cheek are, you looked over to Morgan who was now staring, dumbfounded.

You smiled smugly at him, lifting your hand up and motioning for him to give you his --well, your money. He frowned before slapping the crisp 50 dollar bill on your hands, huffing in annoyance.

“You betted on me?” she gave you that ‘no non-sense bitch face’ thing, and your blood ran cold. You could remember what happened the last time she gave you that look. You weren’t able to sit on a chair properly for weeks.

“Oh- Uhm. Erm. You just eat your food yeah? I have paperwork to finish.” You turned to get away from her, but she tugged your shirt from behind.

She puts her palm out and looks at you expectantly. You pout at her with your pleading eyes but she just raised her eyebrow at you. You groaned and went to give it to her, only to be interrupted by JJ.

“We’ve got a case?” You ask her, discreetly slipping the bill in your back pocket.

“But there’s only 45 minutes, 15 seconds and 3 milliseconds left.” Reid whines

“Sorry Guys. Hotch says we’ll debrief on the jet.” She says, walking off holding the files while Emily lifted both their go-bags to her shoulders, following JJ, making you roll your eyes at their obviousness.

You looked at Elle and she stared back at you, smirking and nodding at each other before hurrying to gather your stuff.

Once everyone settled in, Garcia popped onto the computer screen and she explained the details of your case. There were multiple strings of suicides following a major highway, but there were a couple items missing. Jewelry, electronics etc. You concluded that it’s most likely an organized unsub, who steals and framing the victims as suicide, but in multiple ways. 3 women were hanged, four were shot in the head, 3 shot in the stomach and 7 stabbed, yet there weren’t any blood trails around.

After the debriefing, the team settled down, deciding to take a nap during flight. Reid was curled up in the couch, his book in his hand that’s draping down to the floor, Hotch with his head on the table and Rossi with his head leaning on the window, Lastly, Morgan who was reclining his seat, slept with his earphones on. JJ and Emily are nowhere to be seen so you just assumed that they were cuddling somewhere.

No words were spoken. Both you and Elle just basking in each others presence. Occasionally sharing opinions on what you think of the unsub, and then she just stared at you with a look in her eyes.

“Elle? Bubs?” You ask her, you always were the one for nicknames, you made one up as soon as you met her, and how it slowly changed from scary girl, to pretty girl and now to Bubs and Bubba. It really amazes her.

“Come with me.” She whispered, dragging you to the plane lavatory.  

She locks the door and stares at you. You gulp as the two of you were pressed against each-other in a tight space. She wraps her arms around your neck, pulling you in a passionate kiss, like she was afraid you would suddenly vanish. Sadly, both of you need air, pulling away for just a second before your lips attach to her neck, being careful not to leave marks, You really don’t think Hotch would like the thought of the two of you doing each-other in such a public place with him in a 20 mile radius.

After a few moments filled to the brim with muffled and silent moans, euphoria, smirks, punishments and hair-pulling later, the both of you fixed yourself. When you both looked appropriate enough, Elle opens the door to a JJ who’s also opening the door to the other lavatory right across yours, with a panting Emily sitting on the toilet.

You peeked over Elle’s shoulder and seeing the scene in front of you. Safe to say you were shocked. Really shocked.

“Emily’s a bottom?!” You whisper-shouted in disbelief, making both of them blush and your girlfriend chuckle.

“Guess who owes me a hundred bucks?” She smirks at you

“Noooo. Ellie. Please, I bring you lunch everyday!.” You pleaded as you follow her to where you were previously sitting.

“Uh-huh, No backing out on bets remember?” She pulls you to her side, hugging you from her seat. She rarely shows affection in public like this so you usually ingrain it in your memories, take notes or just plainly cherish it, living in the moment.

“But a hundred?”

“You won fifty from Morgan earlier and I want it back.”

“But I won that fair and square”

“You used me to gain that money Bubs, I don’t like that.” You grumbled but gave her a hundred bucks anyways, smiling slightly when you remember that she’s the one who buys the coffee for the both of you anyways.

“Hey, uhm-”

“Everyone knows.” You and Elle simultaneously replied when JJ and Emily sat in front of you

“Honestly, did the both of you think that we wouldn’t find out? We’re profilers for heaven’s sake!” You deadpanned, playfully glaring at them

“I think we did a pretty good job at hiding actually.” Emily scoffed

You glanced at Elle, barely containing your laughs before returning your sights to the couple in front of you, 

“Em can you help me with something?” “Jayje? Can you come over? Sergio needs a babysitter” “Em can you pick Henry up? Michael needs a haircut” “I played a lot of scrabble with some girl named ‘CheetoBreath’” You mimicked the both of them, pretending to be talking to someone on the phone.

“Okay! Okay! Stop. Stop-” Emily playfully glares as she and JJ both have red cheeks.

You and Elle continued teasing the couple for a few more minutes before moving from topic to topic, ranging from double dates to near death encounters that scared the shit out of your girlfriends.

It’s moments like this that make your gruesome job bearable, the teasing, the laughter, the feeling of family. You could never imagine yourself working with other teams at all. And that, in your opinion, is what makes the BAU indestructible, no matter what the consequences may be. 

#elle greenaway #elle greenaway x reader #Criminal Minds #criminal minds x reader #jemily #cheetobreath #criminal minds imagine #jennifer jareau x emily prentiss

[myownjadedpieceofmind]

Long drawn out post about to happen...you've been warned

I just want to give a little insight into my schedule, because I'm having a problem with some social skills and fitting the human role and expectations. I think you guys might be able to help me figure out how to best approach and deal with these issues.

Monday, I drove home from wichita after having been awake for 40 hours and then taking a 5 hour nap. That's a 2 hour drive home. I get home, unpack my car, drag my shit inside, put it away and then fold the pile of laundry my daughter left on my bed. I have to work that night, so around 4, I finally get the chance to sleep before my shift.

Monday night, I wake up at 930. I'm at work at 11, and off around 7am tuesday morning. My friend Jenn started managing the vape shop and is all but begging me to work, offering me $10/hr, and, so, I agreed to help her. Face it, the $13k I've made this year isn't cutting it, and even though i already work full time, I have to look at a second job for income or else I'm not gonna have the funds for health insurance which I desperately need. SO- I'm at the vape shop at 10. I worked til 1pm, because I had to go to court for a medical bill collections thing. That took until almost 3. And, again, i have to work tonight, so, I went home and went to bed. It was probably 4 before I went to sleep, and I was up at 930.

Now. Let me explain something in my view of days and shit. When I started my shift Monday night, my monday didnt end until I went to bed this afternoon. In my head when i woke up, i just started my tuesday. See how I get my days fucked up?

So... comes down to things like important dates or bills due on specific days, or even knowing which day I get to pick up my paycheck (it usually sits for an extra day every time), I'm a day behind. I've had to pay reconnect fees for my water bill because I show up tuesday morning to pay it thinking its monday and I'm safe...and instead its tuesday and shutoff day.

Today was November 5th: my 23 months sober. It was also a friends birthday. I planned on messaging that friend when I woke up, but instead I woke up to a message from 530, when I'm dead asleep, saying "I know you have a lot more important things to worry about, but wanted to let you know that it's my birthday today."

Now. I'm not trying to be a bitch. At all. However, this is a person I talk to regularly. Like, probably one of 3 people that hear from me almost daily. Anyone that has ever been my friend in any capacity knows that I am NOT that good at all that. Their birthday falls on my sober-versary. 7 days before my dad's birthday. And it was less than a week ago that I had hinted at something I was doing for them.

Beings as how I had just woken up and read that message, I was not my best self when I answered. In my defense, I really was put off that this person who knows my schedule would think that I wasnt going to recognize their birthday. I get really upset about the fact that I can't manage to be a "normal" person, and that people think I'm so self centered that I don't think of anyone else. I got offended, I guess. Hurt?

Anyway... I sent a message with the entirety of my days schedule and then tried to say, man, my tuesday JUST FUCKING STARTED. you already jumping my ass right out the gate. Like, give me a chance to be a decent human being and don't just assume I forgot or am careless and wasn't even planning to say anything. It didn't really sit well with me, and I'm sure I'm probably in the wrong because I am known to overreact. Just shit that gets worded like that reminds me of toxic guilt trip type conversations I've experienced my entire life with my mother. Now, I didn't message the shit i said just then. I tried to be polite and say that it hurt my feelings that they thought I was that careless and wouldn't have remembered, especially since we had just talked about it.

Idk. I Obviously can't human. I really need to stop trying to act like I can. I will just pass a card to anyone that ever attempts conversation with me in the future- "defective unit, proceed with no expectations and at your own risk. No guarantee for any functional friendship. "

Suggestions? Hints at being human? Ideas on how to have a healthy balanced life? I'm dying over here.

#personal #i cant human #how does one navigate #i need more hours #always fucking up #cant get it right #no matter how much i try #friendships are hard #being involved #have some patience #maybe overreacting #but why #done even trying

[bettsfic]

sleep!anon: (1) god it feels so good to have someone understand. i only realised at about 17 that i must have spent half of my life being tired and not knowing it. after that, i started sleeping more, and after some self tests, i realised about 10.5 hours seems to be the sweet spot (9.5-10 i can get by, but over time, it gets worse), which was perfectly feasible at school/uni, but 9-5 is more troublesome. i sleep about 9.5-10 hours, nap on the train over (about 20 mins)

(2) and even then, still have to catch usually at least one (sometimes more) discreet 10 minute nap at some point during work. like you, i usually REALLY need it around 3-4PM. and i hate feeling tired at work because then every mistake i make, i'm like is this me? or is this just bc i'm so f*cking tired? like, sometimes when i'm trying to nap at work, i can feel how tired i am and knowing i'm not alseep makes me want to cry. i genuinely feel like i'm halfway to having a breakdown sometimes

(3) i'm not surprised that feeling anxious/stressed means you need more sleep - it's really taxing mentally and physically to be stressed. now you've said that, i wonder if mine has been getting worse recently because of the stress/anxiety i have over mistakes and how tired i am etc... GOD don't get me started on people who call you lazy. i think some folks think it's a joke, haha ur so lazy lol, but i would give ANYTHING to be able to live like them. to feel rested after 7-9 hours.

(4, final) i can't even comprehend what life like that would be like. imagine not having to regiment my bedtime so strictly, actually waking up in the morning and not wanting to d*e. like, my life revolves around controlling my sleep, and then people turn around and call me lazy? do not like. anyway, sorry to go off, just feels so good to talk to someone who understands! in any case, how did you go about doing a sleep study? i've thought about it but not sure if it's worth it?

i’m not sure if you’ve considered it, but you might have sleep apnea. it’s the most common sleep disorder and it sounds like you have a lot of the symptoms. like if you’re asphyxiating in your sleep, you’re not hitting REM, so you need to sleep longer. if you do a sleep study, the apnea tests come first. for me, they gave me a take-home test which is cheapest and easiest, and i tested negative for that, but the home test has a lot of false negatives (but not false positives), so they had me come in for an overnight stay. i tested negative for that, and the narcolepsy test is during the day.

that’s it, that’s all they can test for. narcolepsy, delayed phase sleep, and hypersomnia all use the same test and all have virtually the same treatment. if you have apnea, you sleep with this machine thing on your face. a friend of mine uses it and it completely changed his life. for narcolepsy et al, the medicine is called nuvigil, which i’ve never taken because it was way too expensive, so my doctor put me on adderall instead. which, let me tell you, adderall was awful for me. i was operating at 200% and convincing myself it was my “true” 100% and basically my entire life had been a lie. but that wasn’t real at all. 

i’m going to caveat here that my sleep doctor was absolute garbage, totally incompetent, and i nearly sued him, so i’m hoping you’ll have a better experience. you usually need a referral from your GP, so i’d start there. hopefully you’ll get a newer tech test so you don’t have to go through what i went through. apparently you can do most of it from home now. the sleep study will be totally worth it if you test positive for apnea, and even more worth it to find treatment for narcolepsy et al, and most worth it to take it to your HR people and ask for disability accommodations. 

another thing to check for is carbon monoxide. i had a dude inspect my chimney at home and he said i’ve been slowly carbon monoxide poisoned for years now and i think that’s maybe part of my fatigue issue, because the *day* i moved to my grandma’s house, my sleep reverted to something sustainable. like i got tired at 10pm, fell asleep by 11, and woke up naturally at 8am. and it’s been like that now for a month (exception being EDS [excessive daytime sleepiness] due to aforementioned stress). chronic fatigue syndrome may also be a thing. so a good sleep doctor will take you through all of this and hopefully find you an effective treatment. oh! and idk how old you are, but if you’re under 25, there is a chance you will grow out of it, which sounds ridiculous, but developmentally your brain doesn’t get steady sleep-wise until then. THAT SAID, even if you are under 25, you’re unable to adapt to the environment you’re in, so you still need accommodations.

also keep in mind -- disordered sleep is extremely normalized, which is why the term “lazy” is tossed around so much. nearly all young people have disordered sleep because they’re forced into adult schedules. and most millennials have disordered sleep because of growing up with disordered sleep, and now because of a constant invasion of blue light late at night. i think i only know one person my age who doesn’t have disordered sleep, and she’s a middle school teacher. everyone else i know is delayed phasic, polyphasic, or chronically fatigued. it’s a serious, horrible issue that causes so much anxiety and depression, like you know how it feels to lay in bed at night, freaking out about the following day or all the stupid shit you said? that’s fatigue!brain. i’ve basically learned not to listen to any of my own thoughts between the hours of midnight and 8am. they’re all lies.

okay this is getting long. i do hope you find help and good treatment. i’ve heard good things about nuvigil if your insurance will cover it, and if not, i hope your workplace will allow you accommodations so you can nap in your car in the afternoon, have a flexible schedule/delayed start time, and/or work from home.

#narcolepsy #Anonymous

[shytiff]

 August 2021

1 - morning walk with ness mendel to palm hills. my dumb ass decided to do a bit of run. my heart was screaming by the time we hiked lol. continued with some youtube dance work out at mess. had kanayam as always. the fish and chicken somehow tasted even better than usual. afternoon nap. had muesli and simba again. 

2 - a hectic BP slash usila slash mtbs day with dr arief. Tried sop bebek h syafei and sate bandeng. Worked out w renata to a 20 mins pilates vid and 2 madfit songs and one 5 min stretch. Dinner was tofu soun seaweed and egg soup courtesy of renata. And baked banana with ovomaltine lolll im so grateful friends give me food.

3 - in usila today but turns out theres still one more day of vaccine in kantor kecamatan, so nessa and i went. We screened together w dr arief. Finished at about 2 pm. Can finaly eat at like 3ish after getting to the mess. Felt a bit of headache and my nose starts to go runny. So i slept. But my nose was so blocked. So i asked renata for her boiled noodle. Felt a bit better. Cleared my nose. Slept.

4 - it did feel better, finally. The soreness i felt in my abs yesterday gets worse today lmao. BP w nessa. orientation w dr harnis. talked ngalor ngidul about love life et cetera at our room lol

5 - fasted today. sahur was rice, crispy mushroom and abon since i felt sick of eating egg. it seems that love life talk continued today    at BP w dr anggi. printed stuff at kubang wates. bought kepak bandeng at RM tajuk and some snacks in indomaret. turns out Prof gave me one more ppt to do, for PIT. and the manuscript deadline is on the 8th :) immediately started doing something about it since now i know ppt and word making rly takes time

6 - muesli and pizza from alfia for bfast. vaccine today w dr lutfi. talked with kang ade and turns out he lived in kalideres before lol. bought don’s burger for dinner and ate it with fried egg. 

7 - MTBS today. got a lot of free food. read stranger than friends. went to transmart w nessa to buy stuff. did the word for Prof’s PIT topic acompanied with lofi study on the tv accompanied with nescafe latte. taste kinda.. weird. 

8 - ran a bit today, alone. bought nasi uduk for 5000 and i added scrambled egg. continued the word and finished it at like 11 am. sent it. relaxed for a bit. read black mirror. lunch was from labbaik but things went shit and i ended up paying 72k lol. printed document stuff w nessa and went to palm hills in the golden hour. ate together w the gals. played scrabble and talked a bit with fianti until almost 11 pm.

9 - had left over chicken and pizza for bfast. usila today and the patients came back to back. bought kanayam while waiting for 2 pm. slept. did (so little) work of ECMOCARD SAP. im so research dumb. 

10 - had steak and rice and renata’s veggie soup for bfast. vaccine today at vivo near intermedia with teh dian. waited for a mother with 9cm dilatation in ugd with nessa, but it took so long so i went back first. met up with atikah at o seven lmao. she arrived at like 12 and waited at palm wates. tried carbonara sphagetti (yum! but not fulfilling enough) and fried tofu. slept early and i probably passed out at like 930 pm. atikah was talking w ratnaa and we’re talking about the day’s randomness of atikah’s customer that somehow lives in cilegon

11 - woke up late. drove motorbike around palmhills to sightsee a bit. bfast at nasi uduk place around the corner. did some ngambi-together in green wates, accompanied by atikah’s 2 songs, repeated many times. went to mess. ate seafood in merak (a place near billiard cafe). got fish and shrimp. went to pulau kecil with pak asep’s help. walked around the tiny island. saw a monkey. the waters surprisingly clear. and then after maghrib Prof asked me about the ppt lol. so i hurriedly made it and emailed it, with zoom sesh 2mrw

12 - muesli for bfast. a hectic day today at bp x usila with dr lutfi (she went up for a bit for promkes). leftover kangkung and fish for lunch. hurriedly added some stuff to Prof’s ppt before the zoom sesh at 3. did 1 pamela reif vid and “attempted” her 10 min ab workout. dinner was soun and egg and renata’s veggie. 

13 - vaccine day for ODGJ and special needs children ft. dr Arief. finished at like 10:15. bought discounted wingstop (86k for 20 piece). was about to send Prof’s ppt but turns out there’s a ppt from the sponsor. in english. so i had to mold the 2 ppt and do some translation. finally sent it, and the literature. the sponsor used a lot of old literature lol. 

14 - wingstop and rice for bfast. mtbs today. no patient lmao. bu ningrum gave me cimol again! and a snack called selondok. waited out 2 pm with nessa. there’s a mom that came with upper abdominal pain. it did not improve after ranitidine, so she was referred. mom dad etc came to cilegon. i vacuumed. bujing lia had itches within like 15 mins of entering my room :(( lol. since the bed was put out, renata and i slept in yoga mat lol. nessa went to damkar. but i dreamed of something that night.

15 - mom’s spaghetti for bfast. off to pulau besar at 7 am. walked around the island a bit. swam in pulau kecil. ate at saung bonang (<50k per person!). tidied up the hydrovacuumed bed. a 20 ish minute ab and glutes workout with renata. love life talk. accidentally turned on live video in cld lmao. talked with aisyah due to said live vid. gave some brownies and spaghetti to mendel lol. dinner was mom’s chicken, kentang balado and capcay. 

16 - usila today. lots of patients with dizziness. ate mom’s chicken and spicy potato for lunch. 

17 - free day today. picked up my towel from sodaqo laundry. nasi uduk for breakfast. lazed. washed my undies. lunch was meat soup made by renata. watched run bts while eating indomie. watched extreme job (quite hilarious). filled my logbook. slept at like 12 am

18 - spaghetti for bfast. no patient at kia. promkes about hypertension. some patients at igd today. my mistake today was not realizing the pneumonia on a 8months patient with severely dehydrated diarrhea :( there’s also a 4 yo child whose fever did not improve after like 3 hrs and pct and compress. i have to be better :(. lunch was kanayam. bought chatime together with ness tri. tried lychee milk tea and the taste did not combine well at all. imagined better productivity with nessa even though its less likely to happen lmaooo

19 - fasted and had nongshim carbonara dry ramen for sahur. BP today. Almost bought martabak but its just keBMan on my part.

20 - vaccine day today. Filled logbook. went to mess and went back again to cibeber through the rain when i was called by the teteh. Helped the delivery (the mcroberts, to be exact), and got some hecting. The midwives were rly kind :) ness ren were sleeping so i got some silence for myself. It was nice. Tidied some stuff and slept

21 - mtbs. Whatsapp class for pregnant woman abt c19 vaccine. Bought martabak hokky medium (50k,green tea, chocolate, ceres and cheese). Turns out alfia also bought martabak assen. Fried mom's chicken and ate it with renata's porridge. Movie night, watched under the gods 1 along with popcorn

22 - woke up kinda late if i wanted to run, but the weather was cloudy and nice, so i went out at 7:15ish. ran a bit towards KS complex behind mess. walked through a jogging track, empty houses, krakatau bike park. played badminton with tri. washed undies. ate mom’s food for bfast slash lunch. napped a bit. off to o seven, bringing mom’s brownies. ordered green tea latte (25k), it tasted sweet and i had to remind myself that its not matcha lol. did some logbook and literature search for prof’s ppt. ate renata’s broccoli. folded clothes. tried nessa’s scarlett scrub. put on some lotion. mask. turned on fianti’s candle (smells rly nice and calming!). vcall with fi, scrabble and some talks. and suddenly its 11pm

23 - usila today. quite a lot of patients, so much that i was thirsty. dr yanti called since she needs some preskas docx. lol so sudden. bought mizone and dimsum kuy (10.5k with gofood pickup promo). the dimsum was good and fulfilling. didnt do anything else much in the mess. read a painter behind the curtain. it was rly rly good. all the characters made sense and had great insight. some are assholes (im looking at u, Raymond). ate the keripik mom bought from sidimpuan. first time actually trying it. its actually not that spicy lmao i used to think its the spiciest thing in the world. banana, brownies and protein shake for din din.

24 - empty KIA today. no promkes. or UGD patients. some mentoring on preeclampsia by dr Arif. went to BNI but turns out our card havent been activated yet.  cooked mom’s sphagetti sauce (thats not enough amount) along with egg and cheese. yum. had banana brownies and protein for dinner. started trial to blinkist

25 - BP today. reasonable amount of patients, accompanied by blinkist. tried ngikan by gofood pickup (17.5k). i still prefer kanayam’s fish and nasi liwet. a pregnant woman came to UGD. so i went back at like 7 pm, but turns out the mom went back home lmao. mas apit said i shouldve contacted him. point taken. so a nicely lit cafe along the way to pkm called Serada, so i tried it. It has industrial vibes. Got latte (25k). did some logbook. Read some blinks in bed

26 - vaccine today. Both screening and getting moderna lol. My arm hurts. So far no fever. bought roti O croissant and the usual coffee bread for 12k using gofood. Watched weathering with you. Turned on the candle. Read blinks

27 - arm hurts. but thankfully its mtbs. slept while waiting until 2. kanayam sambal matah for lunchie. finally took PCT that solved my headache and incoming fever and arm pain bcs i dont want to stumble while on the motorbike. watched harry potter #1. washed clothes and filled some logbook, powered by left over serada latte. need to sleep so i wont wake up late 2mrw

28 - mass vaccination in SMP RJ with mendel kak esa. 800ish patients. Lots of food and snacks and coffee. Picked up by mom and dad. Slept on the way. And like magic, when i open my eyes im at the airport. Basking in the silence of my room

29 - relaxed. Moms nasgor for bfast. Met up with atikah puy in kopi sedjenak. Tried their croffle with nutella. Went to racheels since its her online grad day. There were also sil and dev. Lotsss of food was eaten that day. Doughnuts, moms brownies, fruits, phd bigbox. Atikah and puy also came along to racils. Had lots of fun talk.

30 - sahur. Off to cilegon. A bit of road fixture was going on. Stopped in the rest area since i wanted to pee. KIA/ugd today. There was a patient who had an accident with a truck. Her nails were falling off. I panicked when Prof asked for his ppt so i hurriedly finished it. Had moms chicken for iftar. Fell asleep after maghrib

31 - usila. Renata fried bakwan and tofu and fish and chicken. Lotsss of fries yum. We played with makeup and ness set up her ling light. I imitated jks tattoo using eyeliner lol. Did the word for Prof. Jk went live for his bday!! I listened until i fell asleep (lol hes still going)

[starlight-seeker]

ALL OF THEM ~~~~~~~

1: The last person you kissed screams they love you, you say…It really depends who the person Is lol, I haven’t kissed anyone in a long time and the last person wasn’t so great so I would kindly reject them ://

2: Did you get to sleep in today?

FUCK YES I SLEPT UNTIL 1:30 PM

3: You never know what you got until you lose it?

It throws a lot into perspective. There’s a lot people take for granted and once you loose it you don’t realize until it’s gone and you can’t get it back.

4: Do you have siblings?

An older brother whose 9 years apart from me named Chris.

5: How many kids do you want?

2 probably, both more likely adopted.

6: Who was the last person you held hands with?

Collin Aka Literal-Trashlord.

7: Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?

Nah, person was shorter than me lmao.

8: Do you think if you died, the last person you kissed would care?

Who knows. I don’t really care weirdly enough lol.

9: Last person to talk on the phone?

My mother.

10: Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?

No.

11: When’s your birthday?

June 3rd.

12: Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?

Not really, I kind of blocked the memory out lmao.

13: What kind of phone do you have?

Iphone S7

14: Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?

Rn I’m wearing my work pants 😩

15: Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?

God I hope so, I wasn’t in a great place mentally then lmao.

16: What were you doing at 4 am?

LMAO THATS LOADED. LATELY MY GAY ASS HAS BEEN FINDING MURDER MYSTERIES AND BUZZFEED VIDEOS WHILE TEXTING FRIENDS AS THEY SLEEP.

17: Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?

Paper definitely.

18: Are you lying to yourself about something?

Probably. 👀🗡

19: Last night you felt…?

Fine mostly, tired and a bit sore.

20: What’s something you cannot wait for?

To be able to go stargazing with someone close to me as well as get my life together hopefully and travel.

21: Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but when somewhere different?

I think so. I haven’t done that to my biological mom at least 😂

22: How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

Uh…7 and a half hrs?? I went to bed at 5:35 and woke up at 1:30 pm.

23: Are you a morning or night person?

Definitely a night owl. Morning person Rarely.

24: What did you get your last bruise from?

I banged into my friends counter like a dumbass. That or I was doing a price check and hit into something.

25: Do you reply to all of your texts?

Mostly though i forget to reply sometimes oof.

26: Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for. What do you do?

Talk to them casually, times passed and we’re still close beyond reason. ❤️

27: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

No. I don’t really care about it 😤

28: Anyone you would like to get things straight with?

Yeah, a few people honestly. Some I was extremely close to.

29: How many months until your birthday?

12

30: Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?

Celery or Apple slices.

31: Did you like this past summer?

It was good. So yeah I can’t complain.

32: What were you doing before you got on the computer?

Working and hanging out with friends.

33: Your ex is sitting next to you, with their new partner. What do you do?

Big oof. Honestly make the best of it?? Really no reason to get upset at this point.

34: What is the last thing you said out loud?

“Get fucked, Steve.” (We were playin Yahtzee with an Ai)

35: Your mood summed into one word?

O O F.

36: Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey?

playing Yahtzee with friends and an Ai Whose kicking all our asses.

37: What are your initials?

K. C. M.

38: Are you a happy person?

Generally though I do struggle with depression but no big deal.

39: Do you still talk to the person you liked 4 months ago?

Yeah, we’re still close friends.

40: Where do you want to live when your older?

I want to travel around, but I would love somewhere quiet with mountains where I can see stars almost every night.

41: Have you had your birthday this year?

Yes. We went to a trampoline park and got absolutely lit jumping around. 👀🔥

42: What did you do yesterday?

I worked 2:00 to 6:30 as a Cashier otherwise I went home and chilled out 😎

43: What will you be doing tomorrow?

Thankfully I have a day off tomorrow. So I’m probably gonna chill out and continue with ideas for a comic I might post soon.

44: How late did you stay up last night?

Until 5:35 AM.

45: Is there anyone you would do anything for?

Yeah definitely. I would drop everything for a select handful of people. Honestly I’d help anyone if I could.

46: Is it hard to make you laugh?

No omg. I laugh literally at anything unless I’m in a weird funk.

47: Do you believe ex’s can be just friends?

Yes, I’m still alright with one ex. But honestly work it out and hopefully things will be alright. Especially if its a mutual breakup things should be alright even if they’re awkward for a while.

48: Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again?

Lmao nah. I doubt it.

49: How many people have you had feelings for in the year of 2012?

BRUH YOU ACT LIKE I REMEMBER

50: Do you wish your ex was dead?

Never wish that on somebody.

51: Have you ever dyed your hair?

Yes I had it dyed Teal once.

52: Would ever take back someone that cheated?

I doubt it. I’d have issues trusting them.

53: Was New Year’s Even enjoyable?

This year shockingly was.

54: Bet you’re missing someone right now?

Yeah, I miss my family a lot. I don’t really get to see them. I got to see my mom today and I was really happy. ❤️

55: How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?

My mom probably wouldn’t like it at first but grow to like it knowing her, she wants to get a butterfly tattoo on her wrist.

56: Sleep on your back or stomach?

Stomach and side mostly. I can’t really get comfy on my back :((

57: If you could move away, no questions asked, where would it be ?

Somewhere nice and fun. Probably star lit and mountain filled but still some hustle and bussle.

58: What would you change about your life right now?

Living situation, I love living with my best friend but sometimes I miss living with my mom?? Idk.

59: Has anything upset you in the past week?

Yeah a handful of personal things. But I feel alright now.

60: Are you on the phone?

Yes

61: Today, would you rather go forward a week or back?

Probably back, I’d rather redo a few days than skip and loose out.

62: Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car?

Probably 40,000 so I can give some and help others.

63: Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?

OH YEAH THATS AN EXPERIENCE

64: Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

A few times, mostly when I’m stressed out or the situation is really tough.

65: Have you ever copied someone elses homework?

Yes. Especially when I forgot it and my friend came in clutch.

66: Are you the type of person who likes to be out or at home?

I’m a mix. There’s days I love to be out others inside and relaxing.

67: Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up?

It’s my alarm clock so sadly.

68: Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone?

Sadly, yes.

69: Could you use some sleep right now?

Probably like 20 + hrs. One good ass nap.

70: Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18?

Looks at age. Uhm 😂😂😂

71: Does it bother you when someone hides things from you?

Yeah. I’d rather the person come to me than hide it and talk shit. Even if it hurts I’d rather know and fix the situation.

72: What’s your favorite color?

I love deep reds but I also like blues and purples.

73: Have you ever slept in the same room with someone you liked?

Yes a few times

74: Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?

LMAO YES. i was looking for my wallet once and panicked but i was holding it.

75: Do you get annoyed easily?

Depending on the situation but when the questions dumb as hell or argument yes.

76: If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?

Yeah. I’d rather know so I don’t accidentally break their heart. I’d rather know so I can confront the situation though still I’d be extremely flattered.

77: Do you have a person of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?

Yes.

78: Does anyone call you babe?

Yeah a handful of people.

79: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

A lot ????

80: What do you prefer, relationship or one night stand?

Relationship. Never had a one nighter lol.

81: What color hoodie did you wear last?

Dark purple with writing on it from my college 😂

82: Is there someone who meant alot to you at one point, and isn’t around anymore?

Yeah. Someone I really did trust and love. They did some shitty stuff and I had to break the friendship off but even now I find myself checking in on them now and again even though the answer is always the same or really cold.

#Guido i actually hate you #omg #bruh #this took a while.

[santanuborgohain]

Oh-ffice!

Episode: 1

For Dikshit it had been quite a habit for  a while now. It was already half past three in the morning and the insomnia was still onto it’s play. He kept tossing around on the couch putting an effort to sleep but everything went in vain. After  twenty minutes of struggle he got up and sat clumsily stretching his legs on the coffee table. Unwittingly he turned on the TV, put it on mute and stormed off to the kitchen to brew a cup of coffee for him.

He switched to his favorite Pink Floyd  track and  sat back on the couch again in his living cum bedroom. There was no catching up to do other than checking Donald Trump’s latest tweets, innovative features on Tesla’s Model 3, random updates on last La Liga match and so on. The coffee was good. He sniffed the steam and sipped slowly while scrolling down his Twitter feed.

Eventually he ended up stumbling across Alankrita’s Instagram profile. She had already removed their pictures: the stunning sunsets, weekend-coffee dates, throwback images of their Goa trip with  ‘love you to the moon and back’ and other cheesy captions—all of them! He did not feel bad though. Indeed, he barely felt anything these days. By now, he had got an intense urge to have another cup of strong black coffee. But soon he resisted the urge realising he  had enough caffeine for the day. Another Sunday successfully wasted, he thought. Wait! Did he say Sunday? His mind started boggling for a while. Technically, it was Monday-morning and already five. Damn it! He turned off the TV, kept his phone aside and laid down on the couch expecting somehow to get at least, well, a nap. Deep down he did not want to go to the office for the day. But he knew he had to. Paying bills is the biggest motivation to work after all!

At nine in the morning he reluctantly took a lazy shower. Dropping the idea of having breakfast was pretty obvious as he was already running late. It took him another half an hour to get ready, book a cab and set off for the day asking the driver to pace up. His phone buzzed. He squinted on the screen with his groggy eyes and witnessed there were already two missed calls from Ayush but didn’t bother to call him back. He reached office on time and walked up to the elevator but soon got disappointed having spotted the board stating that it was under maintenance. He took the stairs and made his entire way to 4th floor. To make it worse, he ended up realizing that he was really having a bad day when the access card did not work. He tried for the third time. Access denied: it kept getting reflected.

“Can I help you?” said a voice behind his shoulder. He turned back and saw Kavya standing right behind him, possibly being a silent spectator, watching him struggling with the access card.

“Hey!” he greeted her with a prodigious smile. Dull moments are always history whenever he encounters her.  Even the most boring moment gets enliven with her mere presence. For a moment he forgot all his worries.

“Let me try.” she grabbed the card from him.

“It, uh, doesn’t work  sometimes.” he said  scratching his forehead, trying so hard not to sound irate. 

“That’s okay.” she casually observed both the faces of the card, “here we go.” then swiped the card and it did work at the very first go.

“Well, sometimes, it works as well.” he said apologetically. She said nothing but smirked and passed by through the corridor making a harmonic sound by tapping her stiletto heels against the floor. 

He walked up to his cubicle and pulled up his work station.  Your password has been expired. Please update your new password now. A pop up window appeared on the screen. Damn! 

“Hey Dik..Dik..Dikshit” Rabish stood up from his seat and leaned towards him, “bhai, round table conference”  he said in code words about the board meeting which they needed to attend in no time, followed by an HR session. Out of all his colleague Rabish seemed to be an absolute nuisance to him not only because he used to bring all the awry updates to one’s table but also his dreadful stammer made his not-so-filthy name sound like a dick and shit. “After you.” he made a gesture with his arm. Both of them proceeded towards the conference room.

Inside the conference room, he felt like dozing off on his chair watching the pie-chart on the projector screen. It was basically about appreciation for the last month’s turn over and discussion regarding the increments respectively. He wondered even Calculus was less boring, back in school, than one might think, if it’s compared with the first meeting of the session with David, his assistant manager. Nothing was interesting about him apart from the Black Jaguar F-Type which he drove. 

“Shout out to my most competent team.” David seemed to speak more like a motivational speaker in a leadership funnel. “Give yourself a big round or applause! All of you!” he announced and everyone around started clapping which woke Dikshit up from his siesta.

“Dikshit, are you okay?” asked David.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” he said as composed as he could sound.

“All right.” he nodded and continued. “So as we were saying— ”

The meeting went for another twenty minutes and once it was over he badly needed a cup of strong black coffee. He occupied back his seat and updated the password watching Kavya attentively working on her desktop. Her dark brown eyes were constantly staring on the screen without even a single blink and her lips were poised between a suppressive smile and silence. It occurred to him that time stood still, and the soul of the world surged within him. But then—

“Hi Dikshit!” Ananya flushed a wide smile standing next to him. She had recently rebonded her hair and was curious whether if Dikshit  noticed the change.

“Hey, what’s up?” he flashing his eyebrows.

“I’m good. How’s your weekend?”

“Not bad.” he briefed. She noticed the dark circle beneath his eyes but didn’t felt like bothering him asking if he had a good sleep last night.

“Listen..” she faltered. “I was wondering.. if, uh, we can go out for coffee this evening after work or..” she faltered again “..or may be  how about this weekend?”

“That’s really  a good idea…” he emphasized.

“Great!”

“But you know what, I gave it up completely you know. Really sorry.” he winched, pretending apologetic. 

“You gave up coffee, I mean, seriously?” her eyes flung open in disbelief. More or less, she quite knew his obsessive interest on coffee.

“Yes. That’s unfortunate,” he shrugged. “my doctor’s been warning me since ages and now he’s clearly instructed me to avoid it. Gents problem you know.” he knew how bad he was at cooking stories, but still he tried pondered whether if that made any sense. Her face dropped. 

“We can still go for Karim Chacha’s chai though. Shall we?” it was pretty obvious she would refuse to ‘tapri ka chai’ on a crowded footpath right next to their office. Offer them a worse option rather than clearly saying no, that’s what he learnt in his management lessons.

“Let’s see.” she said deadpanned and excused herself.

He quickly finished quarter of his work and whizzed off hunting for Ayush in a different bay. 

“Why aren’t you picking up my call, asshole?” Ayush saw him from a distance.

“Bhenchod, isn’t that you who’s pinching that naive girl over and again after me?” he probed.

“Who are you talking about, Ananya?” Ayush laughed out loud. “She likes you bro. It’s an open secret.”

“That’s not the answer to my question. Is it?”

“I was just trying to help you.” he giggled. “On top of that, you need to move on man.”

“Screw you man. Don’t talk like aunties now.” Nobody screws Ayush. Nobody dares to do so. He’s tech-savvy. A Google intern. If anyone messes with him, he messes with his firewall.  He used to live, eat, sleep and poo in dark web for most of his time.

“Look at those dark circles, again, aren’t you sleeping well again?” 

“No, it’s just—”

“Just what?”

“Nothing. Just leave it! I just need to have—”

“Sex?”

“No, not at the moment. Perhaps, a cigarette will do for me now.”

“Even I think so. C’mon.”

They went to the smoking zone on a short break. That’t what they usually do—exhale the frustration, inhaling a bit of hope and whole lot of courage in each drag of puff ever since they joined this IT firm after getting their H-1B VISA repeatedly rejected. Friends who smoke together, die together —it was quoted on the wall. Ayush told him about some jugaad he’s working on to shift to Toronto later this year and asked him if he was interested. Dikshit replied in negative dragging in a very long puff and left.

Prior to lunch break He had summed up almost half of his work. Kavya was still working as attentively as before. Her work ethic and the elegance was a loud resonance to each other. The moment he thought, she stood up and came towards him.

“Hey, what are you having for lunch today?” she asked. That was quite unusual.

“Huh? Um, actually I didn’t even have breakfast today.” He did not intend to say that but it came out spontaneously.

“Oh my god. Seriously?” she said she had brought some home-cooked delicacy and asked him have it with her.

“I’m starving already.” he said even though he was not hungry at all.

They walked up to the Cafeteria. He ordered one ice latte and one espresso for him from Costa coffee. She offered him a dish of Shahi paneer. It was not the food but mostly the company that exited him much. The coffee was ready and his token number was displayed on the monitor. He went to fetched the coffee settling the bill. The moment he rushed back to his seat, he rammed with someone and the cold coffee flushed out of the cup. “I’m so sorry.” he yelled.

“What the f—”. Ananya yelled back did not even knowing it was him. Half of the people inside the cafeteria turned around. Her white tank top was painted with froth and coffee.

“I’m extremely sorry.” He wished he could disappear.

“No, that’s…that’s—” she faltered with irritation and anger.

“I can clean it. Let me bring some tissue.”

“No, that’s fine.” she said even though it was not.

“I’m sorry, I can clean it wait.” he insisted.

“I said that’s fine. Just leave it!.”

“Well, actually I do have cold coffee only. That’s why I—” he said as awkwardly as shit not sure of knowing what should he do or say. 

“Whatever!” she said, clearly climbing the Mount Everest of irritation, and shoved off from the cafeteria. He wished he could undo the whole event. Rabish passed by towards the billing counter and saw him standing there. “What happened Dik…Dik…Shit, a..any problem?” he said. For the first he didn’t get annoyed by Rabish’s stutter for spoiling his not-so-filthy name, making it sound like a bin full of  trash. Indeed, he felt completely otherwise.

“Nothing.” he responded unmindfully, feeling like a dick and full of shit.

[3inghao]

wow hey its crush anon and yay !!! im so glad ur better :') some ,, things have happened since then and the most important parts are that one time he was over at our dorm when we were drinking, but in my room specifically this time and he sat next to me on my bed and eventually we all ended up ?? falling asleep in the room and i honestly cant even remember how this happened but he was curled up on his side and i like ?? was lw using his ass as a pillow LMAOOO I DONT EVEN KNOW (1/10)

and like at 5 in the morning i shifted bc it was so fucking cold so i just got under the blankets lol and after like another hour i feel him jolt and get up in the dark and i sit up sleepily like ?? its 6 in the morning wtf are u doing and hes like ???? why did nobody wake me up to go home and i was like ??? we all passed out at the same time LOOOOL so yeah that was a thing aND ALSO JUST YESTERDAY AHH OK ,, i took like a 4 hr nap LOL and like nobody was home when i woke up so i was like (2/10)

hmm maybe ill have a quick dinner alone so i can go to the gym and then squeeze in all my hw after that and my hair was so messy in like the two french braids that i slept in and i go whatever im leaving just grab my wallet my keys my phone and just go literally looking like i just rolled out of bed bc i did and like the second i walk out the door of our dorm theres this guy with his hood up and earphones in and walking towards me and i like squint from far away but i was super zoned out (3/10)

so i didnt think much about it and i look away but we get closer and he recognizes me first hes like ,, hi ? im like wTF HI LOOOOOOL and i was like what are u doing ?? and he was like oh i just left one of the dining halls and i was like ? oh dang i was just about to go there lol and hes like aw dang it ,, wait how about i take u to a dessert place instead ? and i go y e s ? dessert instead of dinner im in LOL and hes like LOL LETS DO IT so we start heading towards a general direction (4/10) 

and we take maybe two steps and these girls are coming towards us and its my three suitemates LMAOO and theyre like guys what are u doing ? and we were like wtf ? LOOOL where did u guys come from ? and they were like we just ate at a different dining hall and theyre like oh yeah where are u two going and istg he flushes and is like ,, de ss er t pl a c e LMAOO theyre like uh ,,, ok and they ask me where did u eat then ?? and i was like i ,,,, didnt i just woke up LMAOO and theyre like wtf (5/10) 

u guys should go to this coffee shop nearby bc they have actual food and desserts there and me and x are like ,, u h ok so they go back to the dorm and we go but on the way we see a halloween store and hes like yo ?? lets go in and so we do and its HUUUUGE and there are so many costumes so we just play around in there for a while and then we go to the coffee shop but ,,,, its like a coffee shop ??? and theres not like actual food so we are like ? u h ok anyways we just get coffee and tea (6/10)   

and hes like i have a shit ton of work to do bc hes got a job (WHAT. A. MAN.) working at like a production company ??? and i was like aw do u wanna go back then ? and he was like nah its fine lets just kill some time and so we just start wandering ? around the city and like talking about everything and then we go into a best buy bc he wanted to see the cameras ahh and he was like nerding out over them and i was honestly like wow ??? my heart , LOOOL and after that we keep wandering around (7/10) 

and i was like when do u want to be back by ? and hes like maybe 8:30? but its fine so we continue wandering and all of a sudden he goes omg do u want to go thrifting ?? and i was like u h yes but like now ? and he was like its fine ! and i was like well then duh lets go but it was like 7 streets away and i was like wait dont u have work to do ? and he was like , its fine LOOOL so we start going towards the thrift shops and in the middle im like ,, buddy its 8:15 are u sure theyre open ?? (8/10) 

and hes like its the city nothing closes that early here LOL so we get there and ,,, what do u know theyre all closed and were like welp LOOOL but then we find a goodwill randomly ? so we just go into that and dick around for a while trying on random clothes and stuff until it closed and then i was like do u need to go back now ,, its like 9 and he was like ….. its fine whatever LOOOOL so we just wandered around for like another 30 minutes and yeah !!!! like he gave me a hug at the end (9/10)

and istg i hugged him so tightly he probably got a lil freaked out but its fine im fine !!!! and occasionally ill smell his cologne and ill like ,,, lw p as s o ut a lil?? he smells s o good idk my head will start spinning and my breathing will speed up and idk the way he smells drives me up the wall but it s fine i m fi n e LOOOL and ahhh yeah !!! mostly i saw of it as two friends hanging out but then a wave of his cologne will wash over me and ill be like 💛💓❤️💗💘💚❣️💙💓💘💚💝💞💙(10/10)

OH MY GOSH THAT IS A DATE YALL WENT ON A DATE DO U HEAR ME I CAN”T BELIEVE THIS this is like a scene from fanfic tbh it’s so cute even tho u say he’s kinda a player he seems super nice and he also seems vested in like a friendship at least (if not more than a friendship *wink wink*) I hope this brought you guys closerrrr and i’m glad u came back to update me crush anon

#💫

[the-green-hour]

Rules: Copy this post into a new test post, remove my answers and put in yours, and when your done tag 10 people plus the person who tagged you, and most importantly, HAVE FUN

I was tagged by @fucktrecool! Thank you very much!

A- Age: 21 B- Biggest fear: Being socially blacklisted/shunned. It’s irrational but yea. C- Current time: 5:26 PM D- Drink you last had: Water with this caffinated cherry syrup (brand is Mio) E- Everyday starts with: Me reluctantly waking up and calculating how much time I have before my alarm/before it becomes inappropriate to remain in bed. F- Favourite song: If I had to chose my head would explode, but it’s probably a Green Day song. G- Ghosts, are they real: Nah H- Hometown: New York, New York/Carmel, New York I- In love with: Green Day, my cat, my boyfriend, my guitars.... J- Jealous of: People who aren’t borderline/majorly depressed. I can deal with the Autism and anxiety but idk, sometimes it just feels really hard with the other two. K- Killed someone: Ya... with kindness (and baseball bat) L- Last time you cried: A few days ago. I’ve been crying a lot more lately and I absolutely blame my hormones. M- Middle name: I have a few, but Marco is my go-to (bent from Marie, idc about sharing my birth middle names lnsg;lsngns). N- Number of siblings: Uhm a few half-siblings, only one of whom I’ve met. O- One wish: To wake up and accomplish at least one school/hobby related thing a day. Yeah I kinda... Struggle with that RIP. P- Person you last called/texted: My boyfriend Q- Questions you’re always asked: Uhhh a lot of depressing shit XDD. R- Reasons to smile: Green Day (especially BJA being happy), my cat, my boyfriend and his family and my friends!  S- Song last sang: Come Together by The Beatles T- Time you woke up: I technically never rly slept since Sunday lmao I forget when I woke up on Monday after napping 3 hrs I think it was like... 1 PM?? U- Underwear colour: Blue, orange, and white plaid. Yea u read that right. V- Vacation destination: Idfk lmao W- Worst habit: I’m way too defensive and also I procrasinate and ALSO I enable my insomnia and ALSO.... X- X-rays you’ve had: Chest (bad cold triggered bad asthma), and jaws! Y- Your favourite food: Nothing beats mazo ball soup B). Z- Zodiac sign: Sun Leo, Moon Taurus. nsg;lgndfslkg gosh I’m too dang lazy exhausted to tag folks so if ya’ll wanna do this pls go right ahead and tag me so I can see!

#non gd #John's onions

[justjoeyyy-blog-blog]

Day 1-10

Here is my journey so far on Carnival Imagination. If you're confused reading my posts then you're on the same track as me. Got thrown into this chaos some people call glamorous. So far I see it as a lot of hard work and trying not to get in trouble.

May 14, 2017 Day 1. Walked into my room to “meet” my roommate. She was sleeping and even though she heard me come in did not budge. So I went out into the hallway to cry so she wouldn’t hear me. When I got back she was showering. Finally we met and she didn’t say anything. I tried to ask her questions but she didn’t seem interested. Then she said bye and left. Another excuse to hysterically cry again. I unpacked and realized she’s using up a lot of what is supposed to be my space. This room is so small it’s humorous. I met two girls: Rain from Texas and Eleanor from England. They room together. Their room seems a little bigger than mine and it’s really cute. They’re super sweet and walked me around the ship. They even found parts of my uniform for me. They said I could join their “gang”. They’re around my age which is nice. Eleanor is dating a guy on the ship. I just got back to my room and have an hour until I have to find my supervisor again. I’m a sweaty mess. It’s impossible to get down from this bunk. I’m trying to relax and my roommate is watching a movie and the volume is ridiculously high. Rain and Elle said she’s mean. They said to watch out for the phillipinos. They said my roommate, Ems, is like 30…I’m so annoyed I want someone who will talk to me and help me through this. So unwelcoming. My schedule says I’ll be switching from O2 to Club Ocean throughout this first cruise. I seriously don’t know anything…my magazines fell down to her bunk and I asked if they fell to her and she didn’t say a word. Just handed them back to me. Wtf.

5-15-17 Day 2. Had to be at medical at 8 this morning. I stood there as everyone walked right past me and into the room. The doctor kept saying to stand outside the door and of course I was the only one who listened. Finally someone asked me what I was there for and she explained to me that I needed to go inside and get my medical and stand in line so they can check me. I don’t understand why no one was helping me in the first place. Getting ready this morning was awful. I had to use my phone flashlight for everything. And the shower was awful. It’s also impossible to get down from this freaking bunk it’s fucking terrible. Eating lunch alone. Caesar salad like from the vacation cruises. It’s actually delicious. This is fucking awful. I can’t stop crying and I feel so nauseous from the boat rocking. I worked from 12-5 in camp ocean on the little side and then had training 7-8. I was supposed to work circle c tonight but someone got sick and now I have to work 9-1 and I have to be somewhere at 845 tomorrow morning. My director Carolina is awful. She wouldn’t stop questioning me on my prior training before coming on board. She didn’t understand why I didn’t know certain things as if I’m supposed to know. I haven’t had time to do anything. I need to organize my stuff more and put my magnets on my name tag. Finally back in my bed. It’s 1:07. Tonight was actually really chill and easy. All these typical kids are so weird and say the weirdest things. My roommate just walked in ugh. So fucking awkward and weird. I’m living with a complete stranger. It was nice to have Elle and Rain to talk to today. I found an easier way to get up and down from my bunk but if my roommate is in her bed then I can’t do it. I only had 3 hours of a break today…my supervisor sucks. She’s so unfriendly. I talked to HR today about my contract and how I’m not supposed to be in camp ocean. That’s not what my contract says. I can’t wait to have access to my phone tomorrow. I’m scared it’s gonna make me upset though. Especially if I hear my mom or dads voice. I’m gonna go to sleep now. Hopefully Ems doesn’t fucking snore.

5-16-17 Day 3: Had to be at a training at 845 this morning for returning and new employees. They had everyone go around and say what they did on vacation even though she knew there was new people there. When I said it was my first contract everyone turned around and looked at me. I could not keep my eyes open during it. They had to cancel the second part of the training thank the lord because now I can go back to bed. In the training they talked all about being comfortable and welcomed and shit and I wanted to scream. Carolina had a talk with me today. She didn’t understand why I went to HR. I fucking hate her. She’s so rude. HR is there for people that need something. I needed to tell him what was going on and how it is wrong and he agreed. She kept saying okay? Do you understand? Yeah? And I would say yes and nod and she would laugh or shake her head because she didn’t think I understood. Then we had build a bear which was actually really fun. Just very loud and hot because of the lights. Then we went and ate at the lido deck. I ate too much. But I finally pooped!

5-17-17 Day 4: Today was MUCH better. I went to bed at 9 last night. Got up at 11. Ate. Came back and went back to sleep until 3. The boat is so freaking rocky and I feel so sick. I’m laying down which helps but when I’m working it’s so bad. None of my cruises have ever been like this. I’ve been eating sour gummy worms when I don’t feel good. The sugar definitely helps me. Tomorrow we get new people for a new cruise. I feel so shitty right now I don’t even want to sit up to take my medicine. Also Ems woke me up earlier because she was playing John legend so loud and singing along. I was like wtf. I feel like a lot of the time she doesn’t realize I’m up in my bunk. I also woke up to her snoring last night.

5-18-17 Day 5: what the actual fuck. I woke up to my roommate and her friends in our room watching a movie. With the sound on. No headphones. It kept me up for over 2 hours. It’s so rude. I wanna punch her. And she doesn’t leave any room for me. I don’t have any hooks or any room on the desk. And she has something in our bathroom that smells so weird. I’m at immigration right now. We’re stopped in Long Beach. I want to get off so bad and do something fun! I start in circle c this cruise with Alana and then Sunday I’m on my own! So scary. There’s still so much to freaking learn. The food we have is so fucking disgusting. All I’ve been eating in the mess hall is mashed potatoes and bread and butter. Thankfully I get to eat at the lido deck when there’s kids lunch and kids dinner. Otherwise I’d be screwed. I just ate my last sour gummy worm :( Thankfully there’s a candy store on board so hopefully they have some! Right now I’m just laying in bed eating some pretzels. My roommate just walked in so I said hi but that’s it. Hopefully she’s leaving. I keep seeing hot guys but I look like poop so I feel like they don’t even look at me. And I constantly have a resting bitch face because I’m so annoyed half the time. I also feel weird being alone because I feel like people realize I’m new and stare at me like I’m fresh bait or something. I got to talk to Alli and my parents on the phone today which was nice. I have so much Shit I have to read. And I have to pass a safety exam which makes me nervous. It’s 12 now. I don’t start work until 2:30. I’ll probably take a nap. There’s not much else to do because I don’t really know the rules yet and what I can and can’t do. It would be nice to go lay out on the deck. Once I get in the hang of things I’m excited to finally get to do stuff. Like go to a resort at one of our stops and also to see friends and family in Long Beach. That’ll be so nice 😊 Lol my roommate just walked out and didn’t even say bye. Today has been a good day. I did my first safety debriefing with Elle. I also helped register kids and walked around and passed out Circle C fliers. I random guest in the elevator gave me candy which was nice. I also participated in my first sail away party which means dancing with the guests. I was so sweaty. I don’t understand how everyone wears coats around and I’m literally dripping sweat. Stephanie (one of the youth girls) asked if I wanted to room with her today. I have a feeling Ems said something. I haven’t done anything wrong. But I did move the chair today and put my luggage underneath the desk instead. Oops. I’m curious if saying hi and bye isn’t a thing in Ems culture…or maybe she’s just rude. My dad wants me to switch rooms so this is perfect. Tonight I start at Circle C with Alana. She’s training me the next few days and then Sunday I’m on my own! Holy shit the boat just started rocking so bad. Lol my roommate just left and again didn’t say bye. What a bitch. Ugh she already came back. Worked circle c tonight with alannah. It went really well! The kids are super cute but some are weird and annoying af. This one family came in and the mom did not understand why her 8 year old was not allowed in our 12-14 club. She had 2 kids that were in that age range and we told her the other child would have to go to camp ocean. Her words “no they stay together. You make an exception” I explained to her it’s against our policy and she still insisted that “you’re gonna make an exception, thank you”. Eventually we had to call our director who also couldn’t get her point across to the family. They then complained to guest services who also said it is not allowed. At first they parents started walking out the door when we had already told them their youngest child cannot stay. Our club is not check in or check out so the kids can come and go as they please, which is a huge reason why we have the age policy. My roommate and I kinda talked but not really. She’s in charge of the O2 club and my club and hers do a lot of stuff together which is kinda awkward. She’s really silly and fun when she wants to be. Alannah said it’s nothing I’ve done, she’s just a tough one to crack. Not sure when I’m moving rooms. It’ll be good though because me and Ems have the same exact schedule which is hard.

Paolo Olesky

5-19-17 Day 6: I seriously can’t stop sweating. My hair looks like I just took a shower but really it’s just sweat. And everyone else are wearing their jackets and I’m here dropping sweat. I think it might be because I’m nervous and still figuring things out. It’s really nerve racking when it comes to talking to guests and making sure our behavior is up to carnivals standards. I worked in circle c from 12-5. It was seriously so much fun. The kids are awesome and also bring me ice cream :p I have to go back at 830 (in 2 hours) and I’ll be there until 1. I honestly don’t mind though because the kids are fun and we get to play games and do activities that I personally enjoy myself, like karaoke. The boat is super rocky as usual. I’ve been wearing these bands but don’t think they’re doing much. Dramamine has been helping though! But it’s not healthy to take that everyday for the next 3 months. Today Carolina told me that me and alannah are going to be rotating between circle c and club ocean……..which is not what I signed up for. Long story short: alannah has been in circle c the past couple of months to cover for the girl that left. Well I came to take over circle c but the office didn’t realize that alannah wanted it and actually already had an interview scheduled. So by the time my director emailed them back saying they didn’t need me, I was already on the plane. I really don’t want to be with the little kids but maybe it won’t be too bad. I’m drunk. Oops. I’ll tell you more tomorrow. I’m being so loud though because my roommate sucks and deserves revenge.

5-20-17 Day 7: I went out last night! There was a techno party in the crew bar. Then we went to the night club. I feel like shit though. My fucking roommate woke me up snoring alllllll night. I just had to go to a safety drill. My director picked me out of everyone…I had no idea what I was doing. And of course now I’m dripping sweat. I can’t wait to buy a fan. Slept all day until I had to work. And of course my roommate was snoring. I took a video of it too lol. When my dad snores if I make any noise he’ll stop but this girl was not buying it. I even turned my alarm on with my phone on full blast and she still didn’t wake up…like wtf. She sounded like a dying bear. Tomorrow Winslow is gonna pick me up. It’ll be nice to get off this damn ship. I have to take my safety exam tomorrow though and move rooms so it’ll be a busy day. Starting tomorrow I’ll be alone in circle c which is really exciting. The kids are super fun but when it comes to the parents I totally freeze up. My throat is starting to hurt. And last time that happened I felt like I was on my death bed. I took a NyQuil praying it helps before it gets worse. It’s been a longgggggg week. Tomorrow morning I get my keys to my new room. Which also means I gotta move all my shit. I’m excited to be on land though and get some stuff done. There’s so many rules with this job it’s crazy. So much paperwork and silly things that have to be done. It’s very confusing and just not needed at all.

5-21-17 Day 8: Today was a really good day. I woke up early and switched rooms. I made sure I was as loud as possible when I was moving my stuff because my rude ex roommate was sleeping. After moving in Winslow came and picked me up. I haven’t seen her in a freaking year. So crazy. We went to brunch with some of her friends and then we went to Rite Aid because I needed to buy some stuff. My supervisor Carolina pissed me off as usual. We were giving out wrist bands to the kids and she ran up to me and Eleanor asking why we were letting the tails hang off of the bands. She said she got a call from someone about it…like wtf. Me and Eleanor were making sure we clicked the extra band back under AKA the phillipino girl also handing out the bands was the one fucking up but of course nothing was said to her. Then Carolina bitched at me for not having my work phone when really she should’ve been yelling at Alana for giving me the phone dead with 0% battery. And no charger. Because she claims she doesn’t have one…….I did circle c by myself tonight. It was so much fun and I already really like the kids. I need to call the office about this whole switching thing because I don’t want to do it and it’s not fair to me.

5-22-17 Day 9: Today was a really good day. Besides the fact that I was startled when my alarm went off this morning and I banged my forehead on the metal shelf next to my bunk. My body is covered in bruises it’s really weird. I got to know a lot more of the kids today. They’re so hilarious. One of the kids though kept making Jewish jokes even after one of the girls (who is Jewish) asked him to stop. He drew a hitler mustache on his face and kept making jokes. Then some girl painted a swastika sign on her hand like wtf? The guy was also making black jokes it really made everyone feel weird (at least I felt uncomfortable). We got to see the magician today who was freaking amazing. He does this trick where he has a deck of cards. He asks one person to say their favorite card out loud. The girl chose 3 of clubs. He tells her to pretend to take it out of the deck, show everyone, then place it back in the deck face down (the other cards are face up) then he snaps his finger, takes the cards out of the box, and the card she pretended to flip over was actually flipped over. The guy is creepy and looks like madame zarooni from the movie holes. Like literally twins. Karaoke was really fun too. My old roommate Ems thinks she can sing and it’s cringeworthy. She sang all of me by John legend which is the same freaking song she was singing when she woke me up the other night. The cutest thing also happened. So the theme for tonight was imaginary Prom because everyone was dressed up for captains dinner. So one of my little boys hands me a piece of paper and asks me to give it to one of the girls in the club. I opened it up and it said “will you go to prom with me? Ps this is ethan”. It was seriously the cutest thing ever. I never realized imaginary prom consisted of playing wii and throwing glow sticks at one another. We also played capture the flag where I met this 15 year old who has already taken 3 AP classes…….I also have 2 kids in my club that are goth/emo and they say the saddest things! Half the time they’re joking but at the same time really mean it. They say their favorite color is black just like their souls and just weird stuff. They said I’m weird too so I’m allowed to join their group. They’re super sweet though and totally helped me clean up the club without me even asking. The place was a mess. These kids literally throw their trash on the ground as if it’s nothing. Well it’s 1:37 and I need to go to sleep. I can tell I’m starting to get a cold and I really need to stop it before it turns into something worse. And I’m very low on sleep. I can’t wait to have access to my phone tomorrow.

5-23-17 Day 10: Today has been a really good day. I had training this morning which actually answered a lot of my questions. Work was good too. We did crafts and talked. The 2 emo kids were saying weird stuff again and painting all their stuff black. They said they really like me though which makes me feel good. The emo girl said something under her breath about killing herself. One of the other girls turned to her and said why would you want to kill yourself? She responded and said I dunno, I hate myself, I tried to slit my wrists 2 weeks ago but it didn’t work. It completely broke my heart. Also while she was saying weird things one of the boys out loud said “she’s gonna commit suicide on day.” It baffles me that these kids (aged 11-14) are saying things like that. I think I’m gonna talk to the emo girl later one on one. She said she goes to counseling because she’s “messed up”. It just makes me so sad. And knowing that she likes me and likes to hang out with me makes me think she’ll feel comfortable talking. I actually just ate dinner with the 2 emo kids as well as the 2 Jewish siblings that are in my club. They’re super freaking weird but very mature so it’s easy to talk to them. I think I’m gonna get off the boat tomorrow with Elle. If not I’m gonna lay out. I don’t start until 4. I haven’t been outside at all besides at night time. My head is KILLING me where I hit it on that metal shelf. There’s a little bump now. My mom said she sent me a package so I’m looking forward to that. Alli said she did too. The only package I got so far is my medications lol. I think robin and Larry might come pick me up on Sunday. I desperately need a haircut 💇🏽