#also she said by the end of the day

[inseparableduo]

Well today I’m supposed to finally hear if I get the apartment or not. Fingers crossed!

#also she said by the end of the day #I hope it’s b4 5 tho but somehow I doubt it #;dl

[min-xie]

help i cant stop drawing fem neuvillette

#minxie art #neuvifuri #genshin impact #furina #neuvillette #UGHHHHH I LOVE FURI BUT IM GETTING BRAIN DAMAGE FROM MY OWN DRAWING IF NEUVI #I RLY LOVE TALL WOMEN THAT ARE SOFT ON THE INSIDE BUT SERIOUS AND OR POTENTIALLY SCARY ON THE OUTSIDE #also im rly proud of furi here bc she looks so cute im bleating pathetically #my fave thing about drawing them is making them obsessed with each other #and giving neuvi big milkers lol #am i turning neuv into a bimb0........... LOL idc! #ooc? idc! #no ones winning against her in a yearn off #for context on the bottom left #furi dropped her DL and neuv waited the entire day after work to give it in person #also she bought a new dress and got her hair nails and makeup done bc i said so #sorry im annoying but ive always been like this lol #like if u look at my amaya sideblog it gets worse #i have an alt twt as well but its priv and that is 10 times worse too #also listened to golden hour serafina cover for like 7 hours doing this #i said bottom left but i mean right lmao L #actually i had like 2 endings for this #one is that neuv was a demon the entire time #so she remembers #the other is that neuv turns into a demon but has no memories #but i didnt want to be sad so i just made her remember

[caeslxys]

I’ve mentioned this elsewhere but it feels relevant again in light of the most recent episode. Something that’s really fascinating to me about Orym’s grief in comparison to the rest of the hells’ grief is that his is the youngest/most fresh and because of that tends to be the most volatile when it is triggered (aside from FCG, who was two and obviously The Most volatile when triggered.)

As in: prior to the attack on Zephrah, Orym was leading a normal, happy, casual life! with family who loved him and still do! Grief was something that was inflicted upon him via Ludinus’ machinations, whereas with characters like Imogen or Ashton, grief has been the background tapestry of their entire lives. And I think that shows in how the rest of them are largely able to, if not see past completely (Imogen/Laudna/Chetney) then at least temper/direct their vitriol or grief (Ashton/Fearne/Chetney again) to where it is most effective. (There is a glaring reason, for example, that Imogen scolded Orym for the way he reacted to Liliana and not Ashton. Because Ashton’s anger was directed in a way that was ultimately protective of Imogen—most effective—and Orym’s was founded solely in his personal grief.)

He wants Imogen to have her mom and he wants Lilliana to be salvageable for Imogen because he loves Imogen. But his love for the people in his present actively and consistently tend to conflict with the love he has for the people in his past. They are in a constant battle and Orym—he cannot fathom losing either of them.

(Or, to that point, recognize that allowing empathy to take root in him for the enemy isn't losing one of them.)

It is deeply poignant, then, that Orym’s grief is symbolized by both a sword and shield. It is something he wields as a blade when he feels his philosophy being threatened by certain conversational threads (as he believes it is one of the only things he has left of Will and Derrig, and is therefore desperately clinging onto with both bloody hands even if it makes him, occasionally, a hypocrite), but also something he can use in defense of the people he presently loves—if that provocative, blade-grief side of him does not push them—or himself—away first.

(it won’t—he is as loved by the hells as he loves them. he just needs to—as laudna so beautifully said—say and hear it more often.)

#critical role #cr spoilers #bells hells #orym of the air ashari #cr meta #imogen temult #ashton greymoore #liliana temult #this is genuinely completely written in good faith as someone who loves orym #but is also about orym and so will inevitably end up being completely misconstrued and made into discourse. alas #I could talk about how Orym’s unwillingness to allow the hells to actually finish/come to a solid conclusion on Philosophy Talk #is directly connected to one of the largest criticisms of c3 (that they are constantly having these conversations) #all day. alas. engaging with orym’s flaws tends to make people upset #it is ESP prevelant when he walks off after exclaiming ‘they (vangaurd) are NOT right’ #which was not only never said but wasn’t even what they were talking about #he even admits as much to imogen like ten minutes later! that he is incapable of viewing it objectively #which is 100% justifiable and understandable but simultaneously does not make his grief alone the most important perspective in the world #also bc i fear ppl will play semantics on my tags yes the line ‘i hope she’s right’ was said but it was from ASHTON #who does not believe they are at all and wasn’t saying they actively WERE right. orym just heard something to latch onto and ran with it #ultimately there is a reason orym only admitted that he was struggling when he had stepped away to talk to dorian #who has not been around and thusly has not changed once n orym's eyes #and it isn't that the hells never check in or care. they do. they have several times over #it is dishonest to say they haven't #the actual reason is that all of this is something He Is Aware Of. he doesn't mention it bc he KNOWS it's hypocritical and selfish #he says as much! #EXHALES. @ MY OWN BRAIN CAN WE THINK ABT MOG AGAIN. FYRA RAI EVEN. FOR ME. #posting this literally at 8 in the morning so I can get my thoughts out of my brain but also attempt to immediately make this post invisibl

[spicyet]

fem!Shuro from that one panel

#dungeon meshi #shuro #nakamoto toshiro #toshiro nakamoto #shuro dungeon meshi #laishuro #implied anyways #Sam’s doodles of the day #I like to think Fem!Shuro is talking to the other girls about how Laios keeps ‘complimenting’ her when she’s training or using her sword #Or she’s a bit upset because Laios said something close to ‘I need you!’ And while she’s fawning he adds ‘and so does the party!’ #Queue her heart shattering bc she didn’t wanna hear the last part #and is complaining to the other girls about how Laios is giving her mixed signals #or just plain and simple Laios compliments her to no end and she’s been waiting for those compliments to turn into a confession #(In my mind Shuro only has romance novels as dating reference lolololol) #Also thank u to my wife for helping with the kanji that makes for fem!shuro’s name #Kiyomine nakamoto #and rather than a mistake she thinks Laios calls her ‘Inne’ as a cute nickname like couples would do #anyways she’s hopelessly in love

[isalabells]

"When [Aleida] opens the door [to Margo's office after the JSC bombing], I think the immediate fear is, "Margo died, and I never got to tell her that I love her." There's shock there, so she isn't thinking straight, but I think that's what it is — that she's been arguing and fighting with this person, and at the end of the day, she just wants to tell her that she loves her."

#For All Mankind #forallmankindedit #Coral Peña #Aleida Rosales #Margo Madison #ya think Aleida managed to mention she now also has a daughter during the one month period where she was playing #love note express for Margo and Sergei or did she invite her over to dinner and spring a wholeass child on Margo on top of everything else #no but I love how Coral's s3 interview is perfectly in synch with what we see in s4 #AT THE END OF THE DAY SHE JUST WANTS TO TELL HER THAT SHE LOVES HER #it was never about the stupid engine designs and it sure af was not about Margo betraying the United States #Aleida couldn't care less she's not loyal to 'murica it's like Coral said her loyalty lies with Margo #THAT'S the betrayal that hurts. Margo not confiding in her. then leaving her. then not contacting her. is what seems impossible to forgive. #then suddenly she's back and it makes everything worse. and for a bit their s3 fight continues in s4. #until they manage to break the cycle. because 'you're not him' and 40something Aleida isn't 28 y/o Margo

[zeb-z]

there's just something so. about Magnus' and Arthur's relationship. their friendship was formed from this mutual ideal of peace, but their goal is seeped in as much blood and violence as the society they’re apart of, and their relationship is built on mutually assured destruction. every interaction ends with a reassurance that they’ll be the one to kill the other, should the need arise - should Magnus turn, or should “the beast” inside Arthur take control

#it’s like. arthur asked magnus to be there for the confrontation. not just to deal with vanya should she go vamp mode but to also deal with #himself yknow #they’re like I trust you buddy. promise you’ll drive that stake through my heart should I lose myself to the gnawing hungry monster inside #they’re killers who want the violence of this era of vampire society to come to an end yknow #it’s just they’re so interesting yknow #like I’m just thinking about Arthur’s ‘problem with the sun’ and how he just said he spent days trying to disintegrate himself in the sun #I don’t think he’s asking about a cure for vampirism when he talks to magnus about this. the implications sure are something #jrwi #jrwi the suckening #arthur bennett #the suckening #the suckening spoilers #z speaks

[kicktwine]

oh so alisaie’s exaggerated bully behavior is 80% fanon. saying this she casually picks up a large rock

#say one thing wrong to me and you will have a wonderful few days with the rock #if angry silly girls have 100 fans etc if they have 0 fans i have died #sorry i saw a YouTube meme i vehemently disliked on principle and got mad at the only child behavior- #kipspeak #she is just short tempered and uses anger to mask other more ‘shameful’ emotions!!! alphy did the same thing with just deciding not #to express them. which is still not good and I think why he breaks and ends up teary so often now #this shortness does not translate to actually being mean to people. she only uses being mean as a shield for herself and being snarky #Is just fun for her. it’s fun for Me. you have to inconsequentually tease people or they’ll never learn to laugh at themselves #the twins and thancred 🫵 do this thing where they have big emotions but they don’t want anyone to SEE they have big weird emotions #so alphy pretends he doesn’t have them under a veneer of dignity and alisaie pretends the emotions are Something Else. thancred is #just so emotionally constipated he has trouble expressing anything. he’s got enough baggage for a flatbed #anyways. alisaie is such a compassionate and kind girl and she learned how to make snarky jokes and went ham. and she hates appearing sad o #weak or vulnerable so she blocks it off with an unapproachable emotion so no one pities her and they maybe get on with the plot #it is in fact also great at getting ppl to move away from the sad or embarrassing topic. even if the tradeoff is being more offputting #she would never (grabs youtube meme) she would never seriously bully her brother. this is sibling ribbing only. Cain instinct #just leave her be she is learning how to snark humor and she loves it she loves being sharp. alphy has wit he just keeps it close #my brother didn’t learn how to tell or receive a joke until he was 14 he took everything so seriously. he can do it now though and he’s #HILARIOUS. Don’t tell him I said that. my man knows exactly where the funny points are even if he hasn’t learned when to stop yet #too many tags. Whatever. jokey snark alisaie who sometimes compliments is happy alisaie grouchy snappy angry alisaie is way too stressed #very easy way to tell between the two. even alphy can tell between the two I believe! He tends to rib back in protest if they’re having fun #and try to stop her if they’re not having fun. case in point ‘what is that supposed to mean?!’ vs ‘alisaie ryne was only trying to help.’ #I know they’re twins but that’s such an intensely older sibling thing to do that it reels me #LONG TAGS AND THREE EDITS TO ADD ON SHORT I resent this stereotype taken too far into ooc behavior. it happened with nya #It will happen again and as a postscript let me regale you with Things U Can Notice About Character Motivation and Actions— #I’m not done let me s #she and raha are friends now I decree. ‘haha you like me’ SPUTTERING PROTEST FROM BOTH

[magpieddd]

Oh to look into the mirror and realize you’re starting to look more and more like him.

#vent art that i ended up liking be upon ye #I’m terrified of looking like my mom #thankfully she always disparagingly says i take everything from my dad <3 #which is also what people said to her when she was my age but now she’s identical to my grandma <3 #i swear to god that if one day in my future i’m going to wake up and see her in the mirror i don’t know what i’ll do #what do you mean i can’t get rid of her once and for all and that’s she’s always going to stare at me everytime i walk in front of a mirror #the owl house #grimm’s art #emperor belos #toh oc #gatherer #the owl house fanart #toh #backup au #Grimwalker oc

[vigilanteshit]

Joseph Quinn called me “My Darling” nbd or anything 🖤

#so swoon worthy #after this phot ​he told me ‘see you later’ and I said “’thank you’ back💀💀 #I’m only 5’1 I thought he was gonna be so tall!! he’s a short king! #I LOVE his lil belt #NONE of you lol shits better repost this or I’m hunting your family for sport! I’ll Kermit if I end up on the fp w/ an emoji over my face💀 #reblogs are welcome but NOT reposting anywhere #my moms main comment on those photo “’your hair is so shiny!’ MOTHER it’s literally a photo of me with Joseph Quinn!! #also pointed out that he’s wearing wing tipped shoes and said they are very uncomfortable lol ‘beauty is pain’ she said bc he was on his * #*feet most of the day yesterday lol I cannot with her! #fan expo philadelphia #joe quinn #Joseph Quinn #fan expo philly #Katya speaks #my fa

[brittie-frog]

Watching Day 7 from soulfire pov (Tubbo, Niki, then Tina's)

- "I'm on national TV!!" But not gonna be there for the actual event

- getting an army of 7 little observer guys and naming 4 of them (Rupert, Bertie, Scoob and Caramel)

- completing a scavenger hunt and then running around trying to find another zombie villager

- switch to Niki constantly dying and then for some reason spawning in global and dying to shit tonnes of mobs but being helped by Luffy back to base

- game crashing and not seeing the cinematic then being thrown into the event with an underequipped Pierre and done Bad

- Pierre logging off and constantly dying to Etoiles and Roier until their egg is half dead

- Tina logging on, being told "it's not worth it", their egg just being removed from the game and being switched to red team

- Cellbit still trying to get to the egg and instead killing Bad before understanding

- switch to Tina POV of just taking the event as a fun time running out red's base and getting to talk to more friends again

- sneaking up on Etoiles just to say 'ca va?' And joke pvp fight during inventory shuffle then get killed

- get the final hit on Etoiles to be the one to kill him and then while having a nice chat with Bagi get attacked by Etoiles as "revenge" and Bagi try to defend her

- having another chat with Bagi and Cellbit run up say "sorry" and throw a bomb blowing up his sister to then be chased by Tina

- Foolish try to attack Bagi and Tina defend her and hit Foolish

- "my dead wife!!" - calm down they haven't been on their date yet

- then the museum, Jaiden and Tina meant to be escorting Bagi home but Jaiden has to leave so Bagi takes Tina home the long way to spend more time together while being third wheeled by Luffy (but they gave teaduo the pretty boat and they're just a baby so it's fine)

I hope that red see that Bad is a valuable ally because he put his anger against them (both teams have every right yo be angry at each other) aside for the most part to actually be helpful - he's just a competitive guard dog. With Tina running Soulfire's PR department and crowdfundraising for Bad's therapy hopefully everything will be okay, at least when they get back home and there won't be too much long lasting contempt for him/Blue team.

Edit: I forgot to add the most hilarious moment - Tina sat in the middle of a group of people but zoomed in on the 4halo convo and reading Bad's bubbles where he's basically calling Tina useless and here just sat there like "wtf??" While laughing at how he just kept going on

#qsmp #this day was genuinely so much fun #also when blue got reassigned to red Bad said he would try to fuck over red and then just didnt #despite everything red did to them yesterday #i know that it was so the couples were still not on the same team #but i can still be sad that Tina and Bagi werent on the same team #the glorious return of #teaduo #i need fanart of that photoshoot moment #and buff q!bagi rowing the boat for q!tina to relax #qsmp soulfire #qsmp blue team #qsmp event #i also want to know how many of those little observer guys there will be in total #i saw Bad met another at the end of the day and named it Coco so i want to see if any more will show up #truely i just want tina to be able to name one since shes never been given a companion to name

[thedreadvampy]

The thing is I am definitely not happy or chill in the Immediate Sense lately but I am, big picture, so fucking happy with the person I am.

It's like. My brain was made by and for consistent trauma and since that trauma stopped about 5-7 years ago, it is incredible what the amount of resilience and cleverness and flexibility and thoughtfulness I developed to survive can do when it's not being all spent on surviving. like I had a hundred ton weight on me so I had to get REALLY STRONG to stay in the same place and not get 100% crushed, and when that weight came off I found I can use the strength it used to take to stand up and I can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

I was talking to my mum the other day and she said, "you've got the 'fuck it' energy at 30 that most women don't find until their fifties at least" and I'm like yeah man. Imagine how unstoppable I'll be in 20 years.

#red said #i don't know that i can express this clearly but it's the most encouraging thing in my life #my mum's always been proud of me but just lately she seems to actually really admire me #like she's genuinely impressed. she thinks I've surpassed her. i don't necessarily agree but it's a really nice quiet joy. #anyway like this sounds super up myself and it kind of is. #but also it's part of realising just how heavy the weight I've been carrying around with me for 25 years was #like not to be ridiculous but i have realised again this week. that it isn't that everyone's been raped that much and doesn't talk about it #i just have been raped an Unusually Consistent Amount. i have spoken to a lot of people who have had much more horrifying things happen. #I'm not sure I've talked to more than a couple of people who've had a similar level of total consistency of abuse from all angles #and the one is not heavier or harder to bear that the other. but. i think i spent most of my life listening to people's awful experiences #and going ok well nothing i went through looked that bad so it's microtrauma #obviously microtraumas build up but still. #then the older i get and the more i have these conversations the more I notice that stuff which to me is a microtrauma #is a lot of people's defining trauma. and they're reacting appropriately which means i am SO SEVERELY UNDERREACTING #told my friend the other day about a time someone who i still like and respect was having sex with me when i paralocated my hip #and then just kept getting really annoyed with me for not being ready to have sex again while i was literally crying with pain #until i caved and just tried to find the last painful position #and my friend was like pal what the fuck that's horrific #and i was like i mean no that's normal I've had sex with like maybe 3 or 4 people in my life who i haven't had similar stuff with #like i am genuinely thrown when i am allowed to say no to sex and have it be the end of the conversation. and not end up having sex #out of guilt or out of physical coercion or through physical rape. and i have had sex with probably like 40 people at this stage? #and I'm not sure it's as many as 4 i haven't had that experience with tbh #so like. I'm slowly coming to terms with the idea #that i may have actually been doing a hell of a lot of heavy lifting. #like i developed a sense of self that can survive being constantly crushed and at this stage is fucking diamond.

[kafkaguy]

character wrapped 2023 💥

tagged by @davidtennantpussytulpa ^-^ i didn't know how many to do so i copied tara and did top 10. i know the severance guys are Four Of Them but i can't separate them theyre all equally important to me

will graham (hannibal), em haywood (nope), aziraphale (good omens), mark & dylan & helly & irving (severance), hawkeye pierce (mash), martha jones (doctor who), ivan karamazov (the brothers karamazov), kim kitsuragi (disco elysium), stewy hosseini (succession), ruescott melshi (andor/rogue one)

i will tag... @fagician @britomart @libraryfag @roadwhores @majorbaby @globuspolski @hadleyfraserfaggot @tenderscience if u want to ^-^

#and now i will explain them all in detail #cos i started watching hannibal back in like. january or february and will immediately set up camp in my head and started to settle there #*I* pay rent to *HIM*. he lives there permanently. sweating and monologuing constantly #em was not only the character of 2022 but also of 2023 and of 2024 and the rest of the decade and all decades to come #she had such an impact on me keke palmer's performance will live with me forever and i love nope so fucking much #i almost didnt include her because nope was more of a last year obsession. but she lives on #aziraphale.........no comment #severance.......i love them all so much and at first i wanted just irving and then just helly and then i realise i cried over mark this week #and then i realised i couldnt possibly leave out dylan when hes probably my favourite character. so then i settled for all of them #hawkeye is my fucking wife. enough said #martha... well i knew i had to have a doctor who character. i thought maybe the doctor but then i thought their companions mean more to me #sometimes at least. i did have a fourteen icon for a while but then i was like but Donna..... and then i thought. well #these past few months at least martha jones has been eating away at my heart. i go batshit insane when i think about her #her impact. her grace. her power. so she had to go on the list.it was a toss up between her and donna for sure though #then i figured i had to include a karamazov since reading that book took up half of my year. and ivan was my favourite of the 3. so <3 #kim goes without saying. literally nothing to be said hes the character Of All Time. to me #stewy also goes without saying ive had so many Stewy Save Me moments since the beginning of season 4 all the way to the end of the year #i miss him every day. he is the moment. i wish there was more of him all the time #and the last one is a bit of a wildcard cos all my insanity abt melshi has been on my andor sideblog. #but rest assured ive been thoroughly Not Normal about him. he literally side appears in 4 episodes and has 11 total minutes onscreen #but i love him. so much. and hes occupied most of my thoughts since september. once again his impact his power his grace. his homosexuality #enough said. that's all. thanks for reading. this was a great year for autism and madness #tag game #🍪

[sysig]

What if Peepers got left behind with the main duo tho (Patreon)

#Doodles #Wander Over Yonder #Wander #Commander Peepers #Sylvia #Dynamics ✨ #Technically I have more to this idea but it ended up a bit meandering so y'know how it is lol #One of these days I'll learn how to draw the actual main characters but it's not today lol #That said I am very pleased with how Sylvia turned out in the first panel lol her Snoopy poses always get me bad <3 #She may not Like the cutes but she Is the cutes so there ♪ #This is basically just a character swap The Little Guy but also that episode already happened? Idk I'll figure it out as I go lol #The important parts to me were Peepers in a position with no authority and already-established dynamics with these two #Westley growing to trust them is fun and all but Peepers already knows them interpersonally - from fairly early on! The Prisoner et al #He's not in danger - at least with Wander there lol he turns his back and Sylvia rears back and he turns again and Peepers is cowering #Poor lad haha ♪ They'll go off to fight by themselves at some point #Both of them having a proper sparring partner they're not afraid to hurt tho?? This is why their dynamic works honestly lol #But just the thought of him being equal parts defensive and trying to use them for safe haven until Hater comes back to get him lol #Unlike Westley they really can't function without him so they'd make a return trip once they noticed but how long would that take ♪ #So until then he has to get cozy! (Impossible) #But really the thought of no Hater acting as his alarm clock no force to manage no paperwork no schedule - I think it would stress him out #He's a creature of habit! He's lost without his familiar-and-knowns! Waking up to birdsong and bright sunshine is alien and wrong! #Hell even sleeping to crickets and the soft and warm breathing of other bodies - it's all strange and uncomfortable ♫ #Probably gets up in the middle of the night - carefully - to lay a trap that Chekov Gun-style foils him or Hater by the end lol #Anything to settle him! It would take way longer than the Skullship returning to sway his deep-rooted habits hehe

[dol-dee]

I WENT THROUGH ALL OF THAT WRAITH BS ONLY TO MISS THIS??? < had to reload

ALSO SYDNEY?? BABY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??????? DONT SAY THAT

#SYDNEY THATS HOW YOU END UP IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS SYDNEYYY (Walt Screaming in a Car meme) #hrrgghh I really dont want Dee to hit her but it does feel in character. Their whole relationship began bc she resented sydney after all #I've also tried out the other options and I don't think theyre quite as compelling to me #i reloaded an earlier safe to check this out bc Dees trauma/stress stats are too far down now #I know it perfectly makes sense for the kind of person Sydney is but if someone told me that pseudo religious bs while I was having- #-a breakdown I would be so done (ik she means well) #Dee absolutely flabbergasted by what Sydney said at the end and will spend the next few days incredulous while- #-she slowly descends into a cocktail of self loathing; guilt and shame #NO I CANT MOVE ON FROM THIS SYDNEY DONT OFFER YOURSELF UP AS A PUNCHING BAG!!!!?????? #i knew there was smth wrong with ehr too but holllllyyyyy fuck #dol rambles #sydney the fallen #dee the defiant

[eemoo1o-animoo]

Indian nabobs are white people - colonizers. Ciel is insulting white people when he says he says they're a waste of space. Can you pinpoint another case where Ciel behaves in a racist way? Where is the supposed slur he calls Lau? Are we reading this character the same way? To me Ciel has actually always been really accepting of other people's differences (see his conversation with Snake on the Campania) so I'm kind of surprised at this evaluation tbh

I didn’t say he called Lau a slur. @hateweasel did.

#sorry for the tag hate #he is racist tho lol in his own way #yeah I got the nabob thing wrong but in my defence when I googled it originally it was 3am and I was eepy #asks #anon asks #I was going to check for hate because she said she was unsure but forgot about it. so who knows maybe he didn’t #doesn’t hurt anybody to say he did because he’s done worse. said worse. is worse. #also at the end of the day snake is still a white male. scaly or not

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving. #sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno. #i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity. #again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated