#am i still also exhausted? also yes

[katyobsesses]

I'm not allowed on tiktok anymore. Or YouTube shorts. Or I assume Instagram reels though I've never watched them. I will just scroll and scroll and scroll and completely lose track of time and suddenly it's 5am and I'm so dehydrated that my mouth feels like a desert

#katy liveblogs life 2023 #i had like 4 hours of sleep last night #am i weirdly more rested yhan when i get 10+? yes #am i still also exhausted? also yes #and i have evening dnd tonight uhg #but its a fun one! our noble warlock is hosting a masquerade ball... im assuming to seduce our bard #but also i only realised that was the plan because of their tiktok (which is what got me on the tiktok binge) #because i am such an oblivious aroace #so of course so is my dnd character lol #though she (and i) totally shipped the warlock with our paladin... #before the player decided he didnt want to play the paladin anymore and switched to an artificer so our paladin walked off into the sunset #trying to find himself after basically killing our dnd worlds version of zeus? #also he was taking levels in barbarian too #idk man dnd comfuses me sometimes #apparently my wizard is stupid because her intelligence is only 12... our bards is 15 #i have no idea what im doing. clearly. #but its the only time i see people other than my mother (even if its through a screen and technically my sisters friends) #anyway rambling #katy rambles in the tags

[iraprince]

Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow

hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.

like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.

anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better

#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages. #or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it. #i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') - #- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action. #also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally) #u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not-- #--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control #as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of' #'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important' #bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem #but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine #i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and- #inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR #i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be #-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that #ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind

[rideroftheoctocorn]

Maybe this is my “I’m from New York so I didn’t choose to live here I was just already here” kicking in but can we actually learn to respect people’s privacy and acknowledge the fact that not everyone who lives in a major city is doing so because they want to be famous or the main character or an influencer or whatnot. I’m so sick of seeing tiktoks go viral that are just plainly stalking or doxxing random people who didn’t ask for attention or fame and are just living their lives. Especially given how many people in NYC are living with a wide variety of mental states, abilities, divergencies, and diversities treating them as a spectacle for your entertainment is deeply dehumanizing. Particularly in the past few years seeing so many content creators move here and gain their fame here it is becoming increasingly frustrating to feel like just existing in my home is not coherent with the burgeoning voyeurism culture that’s growing online. I, nor anyone who lives in a large city, should have to leave their homes every day worrying about the potential of being recorded and ridiculed online for just being a person.

People should be able to live their lives with the right to privacy. This isn’t to say that certain instances of internet activism shouldn’t have happened; for instance the Central Park bird watching incident (google it if you aren’t familiar but a woman was being racist towards a black man bird watching in central Park and his recording on the incident vindicated him). But instances like those are the exception and not the rule and many cases of publishing interpersonal conflicts/interactions is not from good faith activism or even from an activist point at all. Honestly what sparked this for me was that dumb tiktok that blew up of that girl looking for the person who kept writing “monke” on the whiteboard at her gym and the series of videos she made amassed more than 25 million views as she made a very public game out of trying to find the identity of this person. Some of her tactics included staking out at the gym waiting for this person or even asking the employees at the front desk who the person was. Maybe this person didn’t want to be a viral tiktok sensation and just wanted to write something goofy on the whiteboard at their local gym. Instead, this person has millions of strangers online seeking them out using unethical/invasive methods. All over someone who just wanted to write “monke.” Can we not just be a little silly in public without being at risk of it being the next internet sensation? If you live in a busy metropolitan area is it now your responsibility to make yourself as invisible as you can every time you step outside your front door? I genuinely leave for work each day wondering if I’ve maybe picked the wrong outfit, makeup, or maybe there’s an embarrassing stain or issue with my appearance that someone is going to see, record, and share online. I’ve even now seen TikTok’s of people recording through peoples windows commenting on how they’re living in their private lives now as well (the video in question is of a young woman recording a couple dancing through their apartment window). Even the guy who goes around “turning average people into models” initiates these videos by first taking non-consented photos of strangers on the street. Invasion is not flattery as much as people on the internet might like to think it is.

It is deeply unfair to ask human beings to live their lives in an unending panopticon. We should be able to go outside, make a joke, leave a silly note, have a bad day, an embarrassing moment, an emotional outburst, leave the curtains open with the knowledge that these moments belong to ourselves and are not suddenly (and without our consent) just become something for the masses to consume. Small spats that should remain small spats become global debates, a conventionally attractive or unattractive person becomes the internet’s object of desire or disgust. Let people exist. Let them have their dignity.

#I FUCKING HATE TIKTOK CULTURE #This is also hitting a bit close to home for me but I work at a museum and I constantly dress to hide my identity #because of how many cameras are pointed at me all day everyday #and in the year of two thousand and twenty three it’s pretty hard to be a person #so to ask people to be media ready all the time is just impractical and inhumane #we aren’t all public figures but we are now expected to be ready for that level of attention #even certain internet phenomena that came from a good faith place such as recording Karen’s as a way to combat a certain kind of a racism #was co opted by non black people to publicly shame and embarrass any older white woman they don’t like #now the entire concept of a Karen has lost its original meaning while still existing as an open threat to older women who don’t behave #as expected in public #and yes I have seen white teenage boys yelling at women calling them Karen’s for just asking them to stop being rowdy #which is anecdotal evidence so take with a grain of salt #but I am simply EXHAUSTED #apparently I need to live in the mountains if I want to live in peace #also I wrote this in like a 5 minute rage so feel free to DM me or comment if I got something wrong

[tswwwit]

hi ik you don’t really do prompt rn but could we have some soft billdip hcs/drabble (or as soft as these two can get)? i’m a sucker for the way you write them and your works have genuinely helped me through the past weeks. even if not thank you for your works bc mmmm idk how you do it it’s just *chefs kiss* (:

Have some soft headcanons, then!

The first time Bill and Dipper took a bath together wasn't.... really a bath, per se. They'd probably run afoul of some supernatural skunk thing and had to soak in tomato juice, bickering about whose fault it was. The times they actually bathed together usually ended in water fights. Dipper half-drowned a couple times; Bill plays rough.

They've since settled down a bit! These days, the times they sink into one of Bill's hedonistic baths in his pyramid are pretty relaxing times to chat and flirt with each other.

And if Dipper's very sick or injured, Bill might even pick him up and set him in a warm bath, while taking charge of all the scrubbing down and rinsing of the pitiful mortal. While grumbling a little, but still!

Bill can cook. The trouble is getting him to stop adding ingredients that 'make things interesting', or go more along demonic culinary tastes - But he could, theoretically, make a decent meal. This is an uphill battle, since Bill's convinced following human recipes is boring and dumb. Dipper may even win it one day.

A fun fact that Dipper may or may not have learned by now is that Bill can purr! For the same reasons a cat might - calm, content, and relaxed.

However, Bill also hasn't done it in forever. For that kind of thing to happen, he'd have to be really content - to the point where let his guard down completely. Which I don't imagine he's done in basically.... eons? For all that he's had happy Party Times and pleased Winning Times and even Chill times, it's pretty impossible to ever really stop watching your back in the demon realm.

But say. After a great day. One where Bill's just won something, he's done something clever to pat himself on the back about, and he gets to chill with his husband in bed while Dipper rubs his back - just a calm, domestic-ish hangout where they're chilling - Dipper might feel and hear that rumbling start up. To his great surprise.

(And Bill's. He genuinely can't remember the last time that old instinct kicked in; it's unsettling.)

Here is what I imagine a triangle purring sounds like. It's more big-cat-like in the human body.

#answers #Is the third headcanon in here blatantly self indulgent? Yes #Am I one day going to write it? Also probably yes #Seems like good snippet material #I also invite you all to picture the first time Dipper was really sick or hurt #And Bill hauled him into the bath and just. Took charge of the whole ordeal #Didn't have to move anything that hurt and just shut his eyes and soaked it all in #The relief at feeling *clean* and no longer gross. A brief respite from feeling pained and sick and tired. #He's still exhausted but this is genuinely *nice* #With that good good feeling of having someone rub their fingers on his scalp and the warm water #The close touch. Being taken care of. Feeling good for a moment and knowing it's proof that Bill *really* - #Dipper started crying a little. Not much. Like a hiccup and his eyes teared up. #Which greatly alarmed Bill in the process. He's. Very not used to tears except in the respect of sad/fear/hurt #Wondering what the hell he was doing wrong. Crap. Is his human broken?? Shit. #Nah Bill he's fine he's just a lil overwhelmed. You're doing great #I again refer back to that ask I once got: How sickly sweet can you make these two idiot? #JUST WATCH ME

[bedlamsbard]

Now I'm just mad and that makes me sad. :/ I really do try incredibly hard not to hate things in this fandom, which doesn't always work out because, you know, feelings, and I don't want to think about hating things! I want to think about things I like!

#also I am exhausted because I had to proctor an exam at 8 am this morning #and the surface is for real dying this time which was REAL inconvenient #(light on the power cord keeps blinking but either the charger or the battery or both have been whack for while now) #(yes I bought a new computer but I was hoping to not have to set it up until AFTER finals) #plus I keep getting information overload on some job/work/school stuff #I am just very very tired #during the last few years of being a star war I hated nearly everything and it was an absolutely miserable fannish experience #I do not want to repeat it which is why if I think I'm going to hate something I simply do not watch it #honestly my greatest fannish achievements of the year have been realizing when I'm heading for a rage blackout and turning off the episode #(what if rewatch on the cc ep and secret invation) #but what if makes me insane in completely different ways except for The One Thing #(probs because it's so variable so I can't simply go 'not for bedlams!' and move on with my life like I did with si) #your girl #(also I realized that when s1 aired I legit have like. fannish ptsd. over the entire concept of 'the animation might become live action.' #I do not say that lightly but the scars from the star war run REAL deep. I still remember how bad my reaction to various articles was!) #I'm going to go for a walk and maybe buy some cupcakes

[alalumin]

It's been so long since I hanged out with my baby cousins😭 I got to play hide and seek again

#also I'm glad to report little kids still love γουστάρω να χορεύω #king julien remains a forever icon #stavro has a thought #and yes i am exhausted i had to dance to kid songs for an hour straight. worth it

[arklay]

WIP DAY.

tagged by @girlbosselrond @morvaris @aartyom @risingsh0t @phillipsgraves @leviiackrman @indorilnerevarine & @denerims over the past month! sorry it's taken me so long to get to anything at all, i'm sure you guys have heard me address it enough, but thank you all so much for continuing to tag me in things while i've been inactive ♡

tagging @aelyosos @brujah @calenhads @florbelles @jendoe @lightwardens @liurnia @nokstella @nuclearstorms @shadowsofrose @shellibisshe @steelport @swordcoasts @wrymbloods @voerman & all of those who tagged me again cause i'm so behind + anyone else who'd like to share anything they're working on, not just writing! ♡

i haven't written anything since the last wip game i did, but i started trying to put diana's timeline together at the start of january, so i mean... i'll show that instead. as you can see, fatigue hasn't let me do much with it even though i've got all of her timeline already done and strewn about all over the place.

started with 1995 onwards cause it was originally going to be an ewskers timeline situation, but then wanted to include all of her backstory so i went back to the start and still have the late 80s and early 90s to get through before then, but yeah :]

it's going to include like all little moments i've thought of between the ewskers just for me and placing them on the timeline, so you can imagine how long this is going to get if i have to go to 2021 for village... like just 1996-1998 is going to be so much... she's very special to me if you couldn't tell already lmaoo

never sharing this though, it's just for me, and like will help for when i do her timeline page (more in-depth version of what's on her oc page) to just run through canon events and brief descriptions and whatnot. you understand.

everything is blurred out besides 1995 ewskers momence and the years, just cause like idk her i feel weird sharing her in-depth backstory unless it's in dms or something, just cause there's lots going on there and yeah. things. idk

i also made a carrd for twt if you wanna have a look at that :] there's some cheeky subtle things with the two resi items i used as pics hehe

actually, you know what, i'll give a lil bit from where i left of with that rewrite anyways, even though it's been months since i wrote it. but why not

Wesker left a fleeting kiss behind her ear then reached around her and hooked his fingers beneath her coat, prompting Diana to glance back at him. But all he did was gently pull it from her shoulders. She watched him from out of the corner of her eye as he hung it up on the rack by the door, his movements careful and almost calculated, until he turned back towards her, and the warmth of his body returned once more. He pressed up against her side this time, as opposed to her back, and one of his hands found a home on her waist. The way the arm it belonged to was resting firmly against her as he began leading her towards the kitchen was comforting, secure, yet unmistakably possessive. And she revelled in it. He had quite the knack for handling her just the way she wanted.

#tag games. #keep going to do picrews and just zoning out 😭 i'm so behind on literally everything but it's fine it's okay (lying) #i'm having a day and a half even though i woke up feeling okay but oh well. my last month has just been like watching videos during the day #or playing games when i have a bit more energy but like i can't do anything that requires me to actually read or write things like words #are just not computing in my brain at the moment but it's okay like i'm just exhausted and hoping soon i can get back to writing because i #still have over 30 wips going lmao but yeah it's been a time a half with lots of appointments and seeing specialists again and trying to #sort things out. i've been more active on twitter which i've mentioned before but it's just because like it's easier for me to sort of just #like and rt things and not having to do my organisation tags and things like i know that sounds so just small and simple but that's how #i've been lately like to my brain rn that seems like a really big task. so i just keep coming on here randomly for a few minutes then #disappearing so i'm sorry that i've definitely missed so much and i haven't been around to just show my appreciation and love to your #creations!! also just everything that happened in december and then a bit at the start of january too like i'm just a lil paranoid about #being on here honestly so i'm trying to get back to it and be okay with posting again and i'm going to make a promise to myself to actually #filter more tags i think? just to help me with like not exposing myself to things that do make me feel uncomfortable in any way!! i'm #rambling now but sorry sometimes i just need to lmaooo idk but yes so cute lil subtle things from my carrd i wanna talk about cause why not #i didn't have to change the blue herb from re0 besides making it brighter because it's already teal toned which is so sexy but i shifted #the hue on the spade key like SLIGHTLY like it was so little. but anyways. i use this emoji ✨ on my twitter name and yes cause sparkles but #also. three stars. the s.t.a.r.s. badge and logo :] then blue herb because i will have no poison in my safe space!!!! take a blue herb or #leave please!! only good vibes and safe space here!! spade key because i'm ace <3 i was going to include the diamond one in there as well #because am demiro and like those are the symbols in the community. ace of spades for ace. diamond for demis (both orientations) #but wasn't sure how to weave the pink through the rest of the carrd even though cyan and pink together is so pretty omg

[katebeckets]

it’s very annoying that my immediate thought in response to the slightest inconvenience is “I want to die” lol

#like… it just makes it so hard to live life?? #also yes I am aware and working on it #but the thoughts and feelings still come before I talk myself through it #so it’s still exhausting #tw SI #tw suicide

[irisbaggins]

Not going to actually tag this with his name, this is mostly for y'all following me and for my own piece of mind, but:

I cannot express how horrified I was when I watched Harris's video. How I felt like somebody had doused me in cold water, how reality slapped me in the face. I had, in my relief of finally submitting my thesis, forgotten plagiarists existed. Specifically, people who hunt down Bachelor papers to use because they're made by students, because we're oftentimes not actively looking up the topic of our thesis anymore. I spent a ridiculous amount of time googling my own topic to check if something may have happened, paranoid it might have happened. And, in hindsight, I know why I did it, even if back then it may have felt irrational; because I fought tooth and nail to finish that paper, to write it and submit it and pass it. I poured blood, sweat, and tears into it, and the possibility of somebody just stealing that felt infuriating. They just took the easy road whilst I laboured to get it done despite everything trying to stop me. That idea infuriated me, and it still does. I still feel that rage at the mere thought.

I just. I cannot understand anyone who thinks plagiarism "isn't a big deal". I don't understand the people defending this asshole for doing what he did, for telling us all that our feelings don't matter, that our work doesn't matter. I just. I feel so angry about all of this.

I also find it both ridiculously funny and blood-boiling infuriating that Norway is still having its own plagiarism scandals. Some of our elected officials are still being called out for it (one of them in our fucking education department!!), and still denying it! I cannot escape this shit, of being told that our concerns don't matter! Plagiarism is theft! What's so hard to understand about that?!

#text_loke #RAGE! I FEEL RAGE!! #can you tell i read ANOTHER article about the fucker that still insists she did nothing wrong? even when the University of Trondheim- #-calls her out on it? can you tell i'm furious that i hear this bullshit at all sides as of late?? #i have many thoughts but i can feel myself close to passing out. i need to sleep. not be enraged #and yes i did feel fear that my work was stolen! because the topic falls RIGHT into what somerton would've stolen! #my topic was fully queer and about a piece of media! and because of the niche topic i kinda know very fast if anybody has stolen my shit :) #which is also why i'm not saying what it is. due to that being very likely to doxx myself #so yeah. when i saw certain parts of Harris's video i did feel fear. because what i wrote falls under that category of 'genre stolen from' #aka. my niche subject about queer themes written by a student (in English) from a small country (5 mil) #like. i hate even saying this! because it feels like making myself oh so important! no! i don't think i am! #which is what makes this so frustrating! because i feel irrational! i feel like i'm being too self-centered in my fear! #i don't know how to process this! i just! i'm frustrated and angry and this is why i haven't spoken on this before! #because i DON'T think my work is good enough for anybody to really notice #but the slim chance that ONE PERSON might sparked my paranoia. and now it won't shut up #however. i now will because i am becoming nonsensical. i am exhausted

[theirwolfbicanthrope]

also if anyone has urban fantasy, high fantasy, and/or monster romance book recs that really break down the gender binary I would be most appreciative!

#book recs #gender issues #as a bisexual enby who leans femme and identified as female most of my life i am a sucker for traditional monster romance #but sometimes i really really wish FANTASY and SCIFI books weren't so overwhelmingly focused on male and female #even some of the ones that have queer romances #it feels very lacking and frustrating when it comes to the characters' gender identities #also yes I can enjoy me some breeding kink but also all the breeding and pregnancy shit and gender stuff is also exhausting #idk if this makes any sense #I myself am still struggling with my own identity and learning #which might be why I crave outside the box fantasy books when it comes to gender rep

[running-in-the-dark]

today was exhausting - my friend was here for about 7 hours and I just. oh man I love her and all but it's just a lot sometimes. it's probably for the best that we only meet up like 2-4 times a year now (gives me enough time to forget how draining it is so I look forward to it, and recover afterwards)

I don't talk to anyone but my husband most days, and he doesn't really talk. so that's maybe 15 minutes total of talking. and today it was literally. 7 hours. no breaks except when we were eating (but no even then someone was always talking).

first of all ouch, it hurts (my voice is very hoarse now). and also. it's so so so draining. like. we really have nothing in common at this point. but she's my oldest friend and I do love her so it's tolerable... but just barely. these days there's way too much diet/food/weight loss talk, and also she seems to be getting into alternative medicine which I cannot fucking stand (it's one topic where I can't pretend or be nice about it either). lots and lots of very preachy vegan stuff too (I don't have any problems with it, I admire people who can do it, but fuck dude you know I eat meat and that I've said many times that I *can't* go vegan (I would starve. there's not enough foods that would be left. seriously.) and it feels pretty shitty to keep going on about it every damn time. I'm not sitting there trying to convince her that she should really be an atheist or something, because I know what her thoughts are about that and I respect it.

when she hangs out with her other friends a lot it's mostly just talking about all the issues that come from that (they fucking suck). I don't know, it kind of feels like I'm her therapist. when I talk about something I'm interested in she doesn't ask many questions and it kind of sucks. like, dude I don't care about your plants either, but I'm interested because you care, so. maybe try that too. would be nice!

#like I know alllll about her other friends and their shitty behaviour #and just. it's exhausting #it's also exhausting telling her over and over again that she is too nice. yes being nice is good and all but she lets people walk all over #her and afterwards she goes 'oh well I guess it was probably just because [they had a bad day/other thing that happened/I said the wrong #thing]'. I do that too! but it's just EVERYTHING. always. even when someone is CLEARLY being shitty to her. like her shitty friends. she #will still excuse their behaviour #it just makes me sad man. #buuut #like come on maybe let me talk about my stupid tv show for 5 minutes and try to seem a little interested? I know it's irrelevant I know no #one cares but damn you really can't pretend?? I've mentioned it before a couple times on the phone and she's always just vaguely like 'ah #that sounds interesting' WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN SAID ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT IT'S ABOUT. but she doesn't ask what it's about so. I just stop #talking about it and we change topics. #like. yeah I know it's a bit weird that I'm in my 30s and that is one of the most important things in my life rn but. that's how I am. it's #always been that way. and my other friends care (or at least pretend to because they care about *me*) #so it feels pretty shitty! #like if I can look at 15 pictures of how big her fucking plants and herbs are getting. idk maybe ask one question about my show. #or like. even things like our new apartment and stuff. she listened and everything. but it's just. there's no interest there really. just #live 'oh that's nice :)' and we move on to the next topic again #idk man it makes me a bit sad (and I know it's ironic because I say she needs to acknowledge that people don't treat her well but. I mean I #do know this isn't great. and I limit my communication with her to a level that doesn't feel too exhausting. so. idk I feel like it's #different or whatever. buut really I just don't have many friends and I get lonely and it's better to listen to someone talk about #themselves all the time than not talking at all) #okay I'm gonna shut up now #and anyway I'm just exhausted and it's all very fresh rn and I'm incredibly tired so I'm very grumpy. usually it's really not that bad. #I just needed to vent I guess #okay bye and goodnight and I will stop talking now I swear #personal

[babygirlfry]

the pandemic ruined my ability to mask my autism and tbh i don't know if i want to relearn how to

#logan post.exe #this makes me even more unemployable than i already am though so that's a downside #idk man! i try to be kind still but i really don't... care. anymore. #like yes i do so much all the time but also i can't do anything about it to please others bc it exhausts me and makes me upset #which also puts people off!!!!!!

[machidielontheway]

i'm anxious about tomorrow cause i'll go see friends for a walk

and last time (i was also tired and it was cold) i went home and had a big cry cause i couldn't stop comparing myself to them in terms of interaction, funnyness, interesting, etc. i felt like i wasn't saying much and that much was not interesting, when they were saying funny things and there was that moment when you're saying / explaining / story-telling something and you can feel [narrator note : it was totally her vision of things and might not be true at all] when they're losing interest and not really listening and you just peter off talking because of that

and also one of them i don't see super often (but we go way back and always in a casual way, so in itself it's not a problem / impactful) but when we're in a little group very often (like near 10 times i think ? at least 5 for sure) i have said something - maybe under my breath, maybe unsure, maybe not very directed - and literally juste after she says the same thing as if she just thought it and i don't know if it's a "she didn't really heard me but heard enough that it makes her thought she came up with what she is saying, which is actually what i just said" of if it's a "she didn't really understand what i said / meant so she doesn't get she is saying the same thing" (also when she words for words say the same thing after... well). I have no doubts that she doesn't notice she does it, but it's still hurting me / hurtful

cause i feel like i don't have a place because i don't have a voice, and that i don't have a place because i'm not interesting / fun so it's not entertaining to hang out with me

and it feeds / is seen through (the lived experience of what i think is happening, and what i think is happening given my previous experience) by my ✨childhood friendship trauma✨ of two of my friends, who met through me, dumping me after a while of being cold to me cause, as i found while rooting through their stuff (listen i was 13 give me a break) (it was the era of note giving and notebook sharing every morning and i was NOT in this particular notebook sharing) that they thought i was super annoying (when we really had been good friends before, at least when they didn't know each other)

so my friendship fear is not in the making, it's in the maintening. i fear being annoying and unless i have somebody who is very clear / very showing in their behaviour that they appreciate me being here / spending time with me each time, well then i will just Try To Not Be Annoying which ends up with me not being much of anything at all, which of course doesn't help in return.

i'm used to it when we saw each other with A and B, it was not good but i can brace myself, but last week it happened with B and C, which i'm not used to (i think thus the big cry after) especially as C is also quite socially anxious, but she's actually VERY funny and engaging when comfortable. and now i'm like ah tomorrow i will see A, B, and C, and what will be of me ? what if i'm the only one being self-effacing out of anxiety of not wanting to be hurt (feeling like they don't care / don't listen) and they all say things that makes the others laugh ? and what does that say about me when this is supposed to be some of my closest friends ?

#3615 my life #didn't think this would be this long. anyway #i know they do actually like my company #and i am trying to learn 'actually it's ok if you're being annoying sometimes / not super interesting cause everybody is' #but. well. the tip of the hydra's tail is small but it is still attached to it's twelve heads #also i would be less sensitive to this if i was going to bed earlier than two am each night #all my eggs are in the same basket #so this is still a Very Big One for me no matter what #always in constant feedback loop of trying to see what friends are thinking about me right now #yes it's exhausting. #and sometimes i don't think it but two hours later when i'm in bed i'll review and think 'wasn't i dumb / rude / unsensitive / too dogmatic #posts i'll just read out loud to my therapist when i go back to it

[that-was-anticlimactic]

actually, no. you know what? i am so sick of this “marinette is just a friend” bs. okay. cool. adrien said she was just a friend a few times. whatever. it’s not that big of a deal and everyone in the mlb fandom like. hyperfixates on that??? idc if it’s a “just a joke” because it’s utterly ridiculous at this point. i have literally seen people go on heated rants about how stupid or clueless adrien was during the umbrella scene because he called mari just a friend. are you kidding me??? y’all are really going to take away that moment for him? he just made like his first ever friend in nino and when he called her a friend, he looked so excited because this boy has only ever had one friend before. of course he’s going to call mari just a friend because he just met her and the only time she’s actually spoken to him outside of the suit at this point is to yell at him like... y’all...

and this is not me hating on mari because i love her so so so much. i just hate how passionate and heated fans get about this. i mean... y’all... adrien didn’t even think mari liked him??? like, in puppeteer two, he is literally upset because he came to the conclusion that mari hates him. also, of course he’s not like in love with or crushing on her when she’s barely spoken actual sentences to him! again, not me hating on mari and her nerves because like i get it, it’s hard. and also this is like adrien’s first time interacting with people as peers, so 1. of course romance is not his main priority 2. he doesn’t understand social cues or situations very well At All which is made abundantly clear in the show 3. i don’t... i don’t think adrien knows what affection is??? i mean, he’s definitely learned some over the course of the show, but he’s used to a neglectful / abusive father, his stoic assistant, his bodyguard who doesn’t really talk like at all, chloé being chloé, and hoards of fans declaring that they’re in love with him, hanging all over him, acting like he’s a shiny thing rather than a person, etc... so like. how is adrien supposed to actually comprehend that mari likes him???

and okay no my last point: so so so sick of the double standard. i have seen countless people rant and rave and scream and shout about how stupid adrien is for not returning mari’s feelings or knowing he has a crush on her and then these same people will turn around and berate chat noir and say things like “gosh ladybug isn’t obligated to return his feelings:/” like... hELLO??? why is ladybug not obligated while adrien is??? it’s ridiculous and disgusting and i’m so so so tired of “just a friend” jokes on tumblr, in art, in fics, in youtube compilations... like... can’t we be normal about this? and i don’t mean normal as in “casually enjoy” i mean normal as in can we stop being so aggressive and harsh and hostile towards literal fourteen year olds my God they’re children they’re allowed to make mistakes and mess up and my God the way y’all talk about lila is disgusting, too like i hate her but i don’t want her tortured and killed??? and the way people characterize the classmates as physically and verbally assaulting mari because of lila??? like... my God they would never??? they would all honestly side with mari chameleon is a bad episode and is poorly written and everyone is out of character please use your critical thinking skills and understand that chat noir is not harassing ladybug anymore than mari may be harassing adrien (aka they are not harassing each other at all my God) and stop insulting and demonizing fourteen year olds so your otp can get together thanks

#i have. feelings. #sorry y'all #this may be harsh but i am so beyond sick of it #i've been going through the classmates tag on ao3 and filtered out all the s.alt fics for all the characters and the majority of the fics #i'm seeing are aggressive lila takedown fics or like unproperly tagged s.alt fics #where the classmates are still rude and aggressive and bully mari when even lila doesn't really bully mari that badly??? like yes it is #awful that she tried to get her expelled and lied a bit about her but lila has never been physical nor tried to kill mari and nor would any #of the classmates actually turn against her like. they may disagree with her or think she may be acting on her crush and yes lila did #threaten mari in the bathroom but like... what has she done since then? try to get her expelled and then... nothing. like. this is Not me #saying not to take bullying seriously but people take it to the extreme with lila and how she treats mari in fics and i am so so so sick of #it!!! i just want to read mlb classmate fics where they're all silly and being teenagers without mari being unreasonably and uncanonically #bullied and without the tags 'alya/adrien/classmate redemption' HELLO??? WHY DO THEY NEED TO BE REDEEMED??? THEY AREN'T VILLAINS??? THEY ARE #FOURTEEN??? as a rule of thumb i refuse to read fics with those tags like sorry but if you tag fics like that then you obviously don't know #the characters. i'm sorry if this sounds mean or harsh it's just exhausting trying to find fun or sweet or found family mlb fics because so #many of them are so negative and ooc and involve like extreme hatred towards fourteen year old fictional children... like... how do we not #see the problem with that??? like... am i overreacting??? please someone tell me they agree with me!!! i've been working on this really #stressful assignment that determines whether i graduate my future career and also costs three hundred dollars to take so i've been really #stressed and every time i try and take an mb fic break i end up more stressed because the fandom is so cruel to children ahhhhhhhh #okay i am. done. maybe i'll delete this later... i just need to see if someone agrees with me because i am. :))) on the verge of losing it #lol #mlb

[ceruleanmage]

telling people “oh yeah im writing a book!!” except i haven’t touched the doc in many, many days

#writing #this post is more or less a joke #see look. #been exhausted so it’s fair. rest is important #I get is hung up over the idea that this can be done quickly… which is just… so untrue #for different people at least #some people can write a book in a year. some people wrote multiple books a year #and some people write one book in five years #so on and so forth #what is possible for some isn’t always possible for others #i saw a post from an author i really love and she said when she used to write six hours a day as practice #like after school she would lock herself in her room and write/plan/outline. rinse and repeat #and for a moment i was left in complete awe. but also complete envy #I told myself i was inadequate because I don’t do that. I’ve never done that #and the truth is that that’s simply not possible for me #I physically cannot focus on something like that unless it’s a hyper focus which happens only occasionally #even if it’s something I truly love and enjoy. I am not able to do that #but that doesn’t make me any less of a writer. taking longer does not mean your work is invalid #not writing every day doesn’t mean you’re not a writer #so yes. even if i haven’t touched my doc in a week. I am still writing a book #mage monologues

[scoopsgf]

What do you think about rory comparing herself to MLK when she gets sentenced? I was already starting to see the changes and the character and while I didn’t like them, I was still rooting for her because I could see she was lost and hurting. But that line was just the nail in the coffin for me, because it really showed how privileged and entitled she is. She’s had a lot of things handed to her easily thanks to her grandparents, and that’s not her fault, but she really grew to expect to be fawned over and for things to be easy. She just grew up into this unrecognizable toddler of an adult and completely lost her drive and ambition it seems. Idk I loved rory pre-yale, and the writers butchered her post hs

#gilmore girls #*sigh* #i am so tired #so. sooooooo sick of dealing with rory antis WHY do you come into my askbox expecting me to agree w you #sis have you even scrolled. do you even know like. the basics of this blog #anyway. bad take. agree with 0% of it. #she was in no way entitled. did she have privilege because of her grandparents? yes #but she also came up with a complete payment plan after they agreed to cover her tuition #and she studied hard. worked her ass off at the YDN. earned her place there #then she had a crisis because she was told that she wasn’t cut out to be a journalist #which is what she spent her entire life aspiring to be #so naturally she spiralled. dropped out and felt lost and confused and hopeless #which? like? what the fuck is wrong with that? cannot wrap my mind around the lack of compassion there #she never expected to be fawned over. in fact all the fawning from SH folks and her grandparents made her incredibly uncomfortable #and she was constantly refuting claims that she was ‘perfect’ or ‘the best kid ever’ #she had so much self doubt and insecurity #which mitchum’s BS only compounded #in no way was she behaving like a toddler. she was behaving like a 21 year old girl who believed everything she’d ever been told about #herself was a lie. GOD i am exhausted i am so tired #anyway she still had drive and ambition. she just had shit to figure out. just because her questioning stage happened later in life #doesn’t mean she’s some lazy piece of shit leeching off of her grandparents’ money #and don’t forget to take Logan’s influence into consideration #it’s not like he did much to help or steer her back on the right path #in fact he encouraged the opposite. scumbag #anyway. this ask gave me a migraine i am going to lay down and hibernate until i recover #also the MLK was just a stupid writing choice and not a reflection of rory