#amount of self hatred

[thewolfisawake]

Balmoral does fully blame Foirtchern for Faolan's fate. Like yes, she did get thrown down there but he fully believes she could have changed things. She was, at least in his understanding of her, a Fateweaver. He does think that his existence narrowed and eventually closed that path and of course, he blames his 'father' for even proposing it in the first place.

Especially because he is so sure in his head that Foirtchern did not give a shit of her chances. Odds are together, they could have escaped. But he doubted that Foirtchern wanted to remain any longer than he had to. If he had to screw over some fae to do so, so be it. And even more...it's actually interesting because Bal has his own idea of what Foirtchern is like and he's never met his Abyssborn parent until his appearance recently. But it so happens, he's a lot of what Bal did imagine.

Which probably contributes to his disdain of his parent. Like being cause for Faolan's suffering alone was already terrible terms with Bal. Side note that yes, Faolan was just as terrible of a parent as Foirtchern to Bal. However a combination of an innate loyalty as a Harbinger to her and sort of seeing an 'idealized' version of her in his memory, Bal doesn't view her anywhere as terribly as Foirtchern.

The other part of dislike, I am finding, is because Balmoral can see himself within Foirtchern. And he hates it. He hates it so much. Because he's seeing it as 'this is probably how all of them (his enemies, those he's tricked, etc) view me' and honestly? He can't blame them for not liking him if that's the case. He would want to be rid of himself too.

#{Foirtchern #{Balmoral Headcanons #really need to do something #about this frankly concerning #amount of self hatred #like he is so violent about it #and immediate disdain #like Bal please #take the advice you have give #'you do and are worthy to grant yourself mercy' #that remind you of anything??? #I say this #but it's easy for him to say and believe that for Mhoirbheinn #not himself #though also to be fair #his parents likely contributed to that whole mess #and his own personality also did not help

[tea-cat-arts]

Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will

#svsss #scum villian self saving system #shen qingqiu #shen yuan #the fact that people think scum villain #-a series that examines and criticizes common tropes in fiction- #is somehow against criticism or being a little hater is wild to me #especially since shen qingqiu never gets punished for being a hater #heck- he's still a little hater by the end of the series #he mostly gets punished for treating life like a play and like he and the people around him are characters #(or in other words- he suffers for denying his own wants and emotions and his own sense of empathy) #I think some of y'all underestimate how much writing/art is inspired by creaters being little haters #like example off the top of my head- #the author of Iron Widow has been pretty vocal about the book being inspired by their hatred of Darling in the Franxx #I think my interpretation of Shen Yuan's transmigration is also supported by the fact that this series is an examines writing processes #side note- though i understand why people say Shen Yuan is lazy and think its a valid take it still doesnt sit right with me #i am probably biased because my own experiences with chronic pain and depression and isolation #but ya- i dont think Shen Yuan is lazy so much as he is deeply lonely and feels purposeless after denying parts of himself for 20ish years #like yall remember the online fandom boom from covid right? #being stuck completely alone in bed while feeling like shit for 20 days straight does shit to your brain #the fact that no one came to check on him + he wasn't exactly upset about leaving anyone behind supports the isolation interpretation too #+in the skinner demon arc he describes his life of being a faker/inability to stop being a faker now that he's Shen Qingqiu #as “so bland he's tempted to throw salt on himself” and “all he could do is lay around and wait for death” (<-paraphrasing) #bro wants to be doing stuff but is stuck in paralysis from repeatedly following scrips made by other people #another point on “Shen Yuan isn’t lazy” is just the sheer amount of studying that man does #also he did graduate college- how lazy can he really be #he doesnt know what hes doing but he at least tries to actively train his students #and he actually works on improving his own cultivation + spends quite a bit of time preping the mushroom body thing #+he's experiencing bouts of debilitating chronic pain throughout all this #but ya tldr: Shen Yuan's transmigration is an encouragement to write and not a punishment and also i dont think its fair to call him lazy

[grassbreads]

On a scale of Chang Geng to Luo Binghe, how well does your teenage protagonist cope with the realization that he has a massive thing for the guy that's basically raising him?

#15 year old Chang Geng losing his mind fuming alone in his room listening to steampunk wuxia linkin park #while 15 year old Binghe is in the next room over cheerfully updating his teacher crush blog #like yeah teen Binghe is the amount of embarrassed and shy about his feelings that you'd expect from any crush #and he absolutely does have SO many self-hatred issues #especially post demon reveal and abyss-kicking when he's older #but the whole teacher-student/age gap aspect is the one thing about his relationship with sqq that never seems to be a problem for Binghe #meanwhile I just finished spl volume 1 #and at this point I'm pretty sure Chang Geng would sooner kill himself and/or whoever he was talking to #before he'd admit that he has a thing for his godfather #which like. yeah man. I probably wouldn't admit that either lmao #but damn is that poor kid going through it #spl #sha po lang #stars of chaos #chang geng #svsss #luo binghe #the scum villain's self-saving system #ren zha fanpai zijiu xitong #andie reads spl #ID in alt text

[coachbeards]

beard and jamie deserved a dynamic and this is my proof

#jamie going towards the blue moon...beard trying his best to get away from it #ted lasso #jamie tartt #coach beard #remember when keeley told jamie that he needed to stop battling people who just want to help him #and when beard's hallucinations told him he doesn't accept the love and support from the people around him #children of abuse bonding <3 #AND ALSO. #since i love rambling in tags #beard internalizing his abuse + it creating an intense amount of self-hatred and self-flagellation #whereas jamie (s1 jamie) externalized it because he didn't know any other way to properly express himself #TRUST

[dramarants]

don’t even look at me if you wouldn’t consider sealing yourself in an ice coffin with me to stay by my side should I suffer an untimely death 😩

#till the end of the moon #tteotm #ranting #luo yunxi you fucking GOD - the way he speaks to and holds her corpse in both scenes. denial. desperation. fear. disbelief. the trembling. #his face walking up to her coffin and subsequent rage and protectiveness with qingyu over both her and their relationship #no matter how many times she said her purpose was to kill him he still believes they loved each other and refuses anything else #the bracelet sequence the face nuzzle the mirthful laughter #he can’t bear to lose her and he has no idea where to direct his overwhelming pain and sadness despite their conflicts #after all what’s grief but all the love still left to give. he has lost ppl before but not like this #there’s prolly a fair amount of guilt and self hatred underlying everything too #all he's done these last eps is try to hold on to her in every way - with every shred of his being - but none of it worked #‘just say one word please’ ‘you’re really hateful’ AAHHHH #his injured hands shaking her as if things are normal. later tucking her hand in gently as if not to wake her despite the truth. #he's lost all sense of self and purpose. his grasp on reality is hanging by a thin fucking thread #he will gladly live in his delusion & try to stay by her side. even in death. even when she didn't want it. #he can't go on w/o her anymore - doesn't know how. she has fundamentally changed him. #(so much that he even fights the devil god voice in her defense 🙏) #it’s scenes like this that bludgeon you with humanity amidst all the unreal fantastical elements and bring you back to these shows #omg I’m remembering his fixation on her not looking at him with ttml before - boy was already going insane w/o her when she was still there #healthy attachment and coping? ttj doesn't know her 😌 #like idk if he fucks her corpse in the novel but props to lyx I’d fucking believe it #and once again nian baiyu is not paid nearly enough for any of this

[tragedykery]

screaming at the top of my lungs TANÉ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok that’s all

#the priory of the orange tree #miduchi tané #tané #roots of chaos #tpotot #I am. sososo normal about her #girl who just read the part where nayimathun and tané talk after tané has rescued her voice I have a normal amount of feelings about this #just. god tané and nayimathun is so so so dear to me #tané’s self-hatred and guilt and fear and feeling of unworthiness (and let’s be real depression) and how nayimathun helps her through it #she cares for her and helps her and accepts her for who she is and what she has done #even if she is ‘impure’ and she has made mistakes and hurt people #she is worthy. she has the blood of the sea and the sea is not always pure. she has a dragon’s heart. #just. god. I love their relationship so much and both times tané loses nayimathun always nearly break me #r #roc #where’s that post I made about her #elli rambles

[gunkbaby]

need more of shuu pre-kaneki bc i think he was living in an ignorant bliss mindset and i want to feel sad.

#he had a lonely little mouse life. #Telling himself he was happy and content and lying to himself to hide a brutal amount of self-hatred he didn’t know he had. #self-disgust is self-obsession. #his story is one of recovery #i hope every day that he is happy. every day. #gunk #shuucore #shuu tsukiyama

[illegiblehandwriting1]

lmaooooo who's up for a repetitive convo while casually fighting some skeletons

#oh my FUCKING GOSH #that's it. i'm just gonna kill him /j #man spends this much time arguing about whether or not he's being smart and then proceeds to not be smart #the abandonment issues are strong with this one #plus the self-hatred #and the guilt #and the confusion #oh and the planning #also time travel is as confusing as i want it to be #be warned #i want sky to meet our special guest star!!! i have one chapter to do an unholy amount! #i am Very Much Intimidated by my own fic sometimes #am i even the right fucking person to be writing this #idk #big-ass story deserves a big-ass brain or smth #sometimes i forget that it's literally my own fic #blergh #chicken scratch #smoke & ashes #fucking hylia being nice and sticking by sky no matter what because he needs her #how dare she care about him. #i swear sky needs some sense knocked into him #he's allowed to not like her but damn ok #at least let her convince you that you're not a horrible person and that you can't do this on your own #why are my characters like this #i know why and i love them so much #theyre my silly little fucked-up boys #sky honey be real here you're a kid #but it's more fun when he doesn't give two shits about his age #obligatory mention that it will get better and this fic does have a happy ending

[doodlingcrayon]

as you can tell by the firefighter au notes, streaming has been a lot of fun for me because it helps keep me focused on art projects while meeting new people, hanging out with friends, and also it's a space where I can unleash my Cannot Shut Up Disease and just ramble for 4 hours a week as I draw dumb memes

#misc #not art #sadly my Cannot Shut Up Disease is incurable #but also tied to a crippling amount of shame and self-hatred #but if it's MY space on MY stream then I can ramble as much as I want!!!!! (^_>^) #if people don't wanna hear it they can just tab off stream!! so if they're there then they wanna chat!!! #at least that's what i'm telling myself!

[theonlyadawong]

leon is never going to face the consequences of his actions, and it is 100% because he is a white man with a high-ranking job in the government. he is, for all intents and purposes, untouchable. to go against leon kennedy is to disavow a national hero. he is the american agent who saved the presidents daughter, the man who survived raccoon city, and the man who works to counter bioterrorism on a regular basis. leon is so high up on the ladder he can't hear the legitimate critiques of his actions made by those underneath him, and the people around or above him are so far up americas ass that anything he dies is gold to them, so they don't even think to say anything negative about him. he can only condemn himself and his actions in his head and hope that does something (it does not)

#speakerphone! #who is going to hold him accountable? because it cant be himself. #no amount of guilt or self hatred or even suicidal ideation counts as accountability.

[dreamgirledward]

to any 2nd/3rd gen immigrant kids wondering if visiting the country your ancestors are from is worth it: just go. it is.

#the amount of times i had with one of my sisters just reeling over how much self-hatred we've been slowly unlearning through this trip..... #it's so hard but im giving baby sammy who was so ashamed of her background the biggest hug

[gothamcityneedsme]

when i started TD i was actually between working on TD or working on a bro strider postgame fic. TD won but i still love what i have written for the bro idea. Which was mostly sitting there hollowed out plus actually missing being brainwashed by a puppet. So.

#Shitpost #and a wonderful amount of self hatred #and also Rose seeing right fucking through him lol.

[ask-emoripals]

What caused Hero and Kel's falling out? You two were so close when you were younger.

📖: No, we were never really close. I always mocked him until recently for not being the favorite child, and how he isn’t as loved as me.

…..I fucking hate myself for being a piece of shit.

🏀: What Hero said, he was always an ass to me. Although, my parents were little better…… hell, mom said I was a fucking disappointment several times, whether that be at me or someone else. Dad practically just ignored my existence.

I’m probably never gonna get better……… I’ll probably push away all my friends from my own shittiness. Do you think Sunny deserves better than me?

#emori ask blog #ask emori pals #emori au #emori #omori ask blog #omori #omori hero #omori kel #tw parents #tw neglect #beneath kel’s shell of anger and tsundere-ness #is intense amounts of pessimism #self-hatred and loathing.

[tails-boogie-board]

Hes 8

#Sonic prime #Sonic prime spoilers #miles tails prower #He's a little kid #like I #I know 8 year olds and the amount of exhausted distrust he has literally hurts #And in his mind there is no reason whatsoever to doubt everything people have said to him #Because everyone said that to him and no one disagreed so it must be right #Fighting back is one thing because it hurts and he wants it to stop and he doesn't like it and he knows mockery #But it's another when your core belief system was developed and twisted around how you are wrong and a mutated freak #Our normal tails has a bit of an issue with it let alone someone who never had any positive reinforcement #The robotic tails are a defense mechanism yes #But it's making a point of mockery of his own tails. hes not laughing at the people bullying him.... #hes laughing with them at himself #It's saying that I see it too and whose laughing now #There's no empowerment or Tails liking his extra tail. It's all to mock his aggressors with his biggest insecurity #It's to humiliate them and by proxy to showcase that he knows he's a freak and his own self hatred #Not to mention the illusion of a single tail thats not fooling anyone #I have too many thoughts

[the-valiant-valkyrie]

chat nobody tell her she doesnt know

#dontstarvetogether #dst maxwell #dst wigfrid #crackpost #chat she doesnt know he greatly exaggerated her decline from stardom #chat she doesnt know he emotionally manipulated her into fits of self hatred so vitriolic she killed the old self- #-and replaced it with the persona #chat she doesn't know that she still had people who loved her because that information was obscured and overshadowed by the fake news #chat she spent a horrible amount of time thinking she was unloved and unvalued after her devastating and unreciprocated sacrifice #but dont tell her #its fine. dont tell her

[miikewheelers]

fellow bylers, i have a question for y'all that i hope to god asking will help me settle this internal debate i've been having with myself once and for all:

#byler #stranger things #mike wheeler #will byers #byler poll #st polls #music #noah rambles #i have been trying to work through this for DAYS #on the one hand i'm tempted to say it's mostly will-coded bc of how heartfelt the song is #and imo will has been much more open and honest about his feelings than mike ever has LMAO #but at the same time?? i'm also thinking it's actually more mike-coded??? #idk the 'i wish i could know myself like you' in my mind speaks to mike consistently trying to fit in #and in turn trying to find who he is where will seems to know himself much more than mike does #not just in terms of sexuality but in terms of interests & what he wants #not to mention the 'i'll never know why you chose me' part in the refrain #it seems like mike does. not have a very high image of himself lmao #there's definitely an element of self-hatred in there?? #and bc of that perhaps mike would be surprised and confused that will has feelings for him??? #and tbh it wouldn't surprise me if mike felt some amount of guilt for the way he treated will in s4 (in particular) too #and he doesn't know why will would still choose him after everything he said?? perhaps??? #so yeah to summarize mike is still grappling with self-hatred (& internalized homophobia) and doesn't know why will would choose him #while also being less sure about who he is and what he wants moving forward #however. neither of them have tattoos (let alone bad ones) and we've never seen them get drunk or high skdjfhsdf #at least those are my thoughts atm. lol #i'm a music therapist in training i hAVE TO ANALYZE SONGS LIKE THIS OKAY !!!! #Spotify