#anakin must have heard so much about grievous during the three years of the wars | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cienie-isengardu · 7 years

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“My men”

My favorite parts of The Clone Wars Gambit: Stealth book are about preparation for the battle of Kothlis, the fight itself and the after-effects. I always loved how Anakin treats clone troopers; in almost all sources his relationship with clones is marked by mutual respect, and in some cases, a genuine fondness. And every time I re-read these parts from Gambit, the way Skywalker is addressing clone troopers catchs my attention. Because this is not only about how he talks about / with clones it’s the way he is thinking about them. Because this is the biggest difference between him and most of Jedi. Including Ahsoka.

Let’s talk a bit about her POV:

The crowded barracks mess hall erupted into muttering and exclamation. Force-sensing from habit, Ahsoka tasted the clones' swirling emotions. A little caution. A lot of excitement. At first she'd thought the Republic's clone soldiers welcomed battle because they had no choice - because they'd been genetically programmed to fight and not question that duty. But while that was an uncomfortable truth, one she found herself wrestling with more and more as the war dragged on, it was also true that most of the clones she knew enjoyed combat - and not because some Kaminoan scientist had tweaked a test tube and made sure they would. No. They enjoyed winning. Outsmarting the enemy. Liberating citizens who were being used as pawns by Count Dooku, and Nute Gunray, and the other shadowy leaders of the Separatist Alliance.

When Ahsoka came into barracks mess hall, she was force-sensing from habit her environment. Narrative wise, it makes sense she described people around her simple as “clones”, what is helping readers to know who is around her. One word, and we know the basic things (like info estabilished in movies). But then we see further part of Ahsoka’s POV / thoughts and she still think about Republic’s soldiers first and foremost as clones. “[...] it was also true that most of the clones she knew enjoyed combat [...]” instead of, I don’t know, most of men or soldiers? Because we - the readers - already know that she means clone troopers, so narrative-wise there wasn’t any need to point out once again that she is surrounded by clones.

Let’s look at another example:

"Ahsoka," Rex added, skewering her with his most direct, no-nonsense stare. "What's our ETA at Kothlis?"

She checked her almost infallible Jedi time-sense. "Twenty-three minutes, Captain."

"Ground assault's confirmed?"

"Not confirmed, but highly possible. If the Seps have beaten us there and started an invasion of Kothlis, General Kenobi will handle the counter-offensive while my Master and Shadow Company clear the skies."

Rex nodded. "That means you're with us? Good." His gaze swept the hall. "Then we need to gear up. Torrent Company-get to work!"

Within a heartbeat the mood changed again. Lingering anxiety and uncertainty disappeared in a wave of purposeful action as Rex's men began the familiar countdown to combat.

Because she couldn't help with that, because she couldn't do anything now but wait, Ahsoka got out of the way. She perched herself in a corner and tried, like Anakin, to calm herself with meditation. Which was fine, mostly-except one thought kept intruding, over and over.

May the Force be with us. And please, please, don't let my actions get any of these clones killed.

One more look at Ahsoka’s POV, Rex’s men sound much better, right? But then comes “don't let my actions get any of these clones killed”. Once again Ahsoka is thinking about troopers (she cares for!) first and foremost as a clones. It’s not “don't let my actions get any of these MEN killed” and as much as the word clone is not an insult in itself, its use here makes the Ahsoka’s prayer sounds a bit... offensive.

I’m not accusing Ahsoka for prejudice or sense of superiority - and if she even has a bit of these against clones, this is likely unconscious thing that she, as a ~14 years old teenager, learned in the environment in which she grew up. Which means Jedi Order. And let’s be honest, Jedi have that smugness sense of superiority about themselves. This trait is seen awfully lot in TCW and Legends!sources as well.

But Ahsoka is a kid thrown into war she wasn’t ready for, and her mind and awarness of her (and others!) behaviour is still forming up. So I don’t really hold these examples against her.

What can’t be said for Obi-Wan, an adult and supposedly so great Jedi:

"So," her Master added. "I guess now we head for Kothlis."

"Without further delay," said Master Kenobi. "Admiral?"

Yularen nodded, his face grave. Resigned now to what had to be done, no matter how hard he found it. "Agreed. And with any luck we'll beat Grievous to the punch and be waiting for him. Even the smallest advantage might make the difference for us." He toggled the comm button again. "Lieutenant Avrey? We have a mission."

While Yularen relayed battle group orders with staccato speed, Master Kenobi drew Anakin aside with a glance. "I suggest we play to our strengths on this one, Anakin," he said, his voice low. "If we do reach Kothlis and find that Grievous has stolen a march on us, it's likely we'll be looking at both air and ground assaults. Should that prove to be the case, I suggest you lead the fighter squadrons and I'll take care of the ground assault with Captain Rex and our clone trooper companies."

Maybe this is just for narrative purpose, but in-universe there weren’t(??) any other companies under Kenobi and Anakin’s permanent command beside the clone trooper ones. So why it’s so important to mark the fact that their army is made of clones? Or:

"Actually, Anakin, your task is relatively simple," said Obi-Wan. "Engage the enemy and keep on shooting his ships out of the sky until none is left."

Simple? Yeah, right. Although, being coldly dispassionate, Obi-Wan wasn't too far off the mark, come to think of it. "Fine. But what about you?"

"Using the fighters as cover, the clones and I will run Grievous's gauntlet in gunships, make atmospheric entry, and insert on the ground. Kothlis has only two points of interest-the capital, Tal'cara, and the spynet facility on the city's northwest outskirts. We'll target those two areas first and see what happens once they're secured." Obi-Wan looked at Yularen. "Unless you can think of a better plan, Admiral."

"Clones and I”? Is that hard to call them men / troopers / soldiers? We know already that you have clone trooper companies, thank you for reminder, it’s so easy to forget who fight for Republic in CLONE wars.

Indomitable was under way, ponderously heading for Kothlis, flanked by her sister cruisers and trusting to Anakin and his fearless pilots that they wouldn't come to grief before they could defend themselves. Some of Grievous's droid starfighters had broken off their prowling perimeter patrol of his battle group and were heading for the first wave of Republic starfighters, heading for Anakin, recklessly in the lead.

"Thank you, Admiral."

Streams of laserfire, blinking bright, criss-crossed the dark of space. Jinking and swooping, rolling and evading, Anakin and his clone pilots dodged destruction by a finger's-width. Four droid starfighters exploded in durasteel splinters and shards and slag.

"General..." Yularen was frowning. "When do you anticipate launching the gunships?"

Obi-Wan couldn't take his eyes off Gold Squadron - off Anakin. "I don't know yet. As soon as I do, I'll tell you."

Yularen cleared his throat. "That's... a little vague for my liking."

"Really, Admiral?" Obi-Wan made himself look at Yularen and smile with quiet confidence. Through the Force he heard a clone pilot scream. "I don't find it vague at all."

There is a moment, when Obi-Wan uses phrase “Anakin and his fearless pilots“ but soon after that he backs to thinking about them first and foremost as clones. They are clone pilots, like the “clone” term always must be there, no matter how much mentioned troopers already sacrificed their lives for Republic.

"Better hang on, General," said Rex. "That soup you mentioned has started to boil." With a nod to Ahsoka, he grabbed his own helmet and vanished inside it.

"Indeed," said Obi-Wan, snatching hold of a ceiling strap.

Rex's terse words tautened the gunship's atmosphere to the breaking point. The silence beneath all the normal operational noises was absolute, uncanny. Every clone stood with unnerving stillness, head tipped fractionally to one side. They were unified in a private conversation, attention trained on their captain. Last-minute instructions, a rallying pep talk, some kind of clone prayer? Obi-Wan didn't know. He'd never asked. The idea of asking felt-intrusive. Insensitive. Impolite.

On one hand there is Obi-Wan’s awareness that asking troopers about their personal habits may be seen as intrusive curiosity. He doesn’t want offend them in such impolite way. He doesn’t want invade their privacy. On other hand, it’s curosity related to them being clones. Would he wonder about their last minutes of unifity, if they were natural born soldiers? Would he felt that asking is a insensitive things to do, if he were thinking about them as a real men instead of some unknown species that clones seems to be for Jedi & citizen of Republic? Because this prayer may be a “clone thing”, it gives me feeling like Obi-Wan - consciously or not - see them as separate kind of human race. But it’s maybe just me.

Also, please note: there are moments in book that Obi-Wan calls / thinks about clones either as a good men or Anakin’s men (though the last example was used during quite personal conversation with Skywalker, so Obi-Wan may subconsciously switched to more diplomatic / courteous way of speaking for Anakin’s sake alone). Obi-Wan’s way to adress clone troopers in general are fluid, but still tends to describe them as clones above everything else. And frankly, he isn’t alone with that attitude. During Clone Wars era it’s so common occurrence for citizen of Republic to dehumanize troopers made on Kamino. Because they’re first and foremost a clones, right?

I don’t say they did that on purpose or because of personal hate (with some exceptions of course). It’s rather subconscious action and ignorance and lack of experiences with clone troopers to question their way of thinking. So in the book happens moments like that:

Jefris took a moment, then nodded. His smile faded now; his eyes were more than watchful. "General, you don't have the authority to stand down my men. What you do with your clones is your business, of course. But the hangar crew is mine."

My (non cloned) men vs your clones mentality. Or:

"Recovering your Padawan is," said Yoda gravely. "Your Clone Captain Rex and his sergeant also. Serious their injuries were, but in sufficient time were they treated."

Your clone captain Rex? Seriously? Thank you Yoda for reminder in case Anakin forget that such important details. It’s not like he is constantly working with this man, riiiiight.

Even those characters who are always presented as the “good guys”, like Bail Organa has moments like that:

As Alderaan's elected Senate representative-and as its Prince-he'd been writing too many letters to bereaved families lately. Sending his sincere condolences for the loss of a loved one who'd perished in the battle to save the Republic.

It's not only the Jedi and the clones who are dying. My people are dying. And there's no manual for that, either.

Once again, clones vs my people.

THAT SAID, IT DOESN’T MEAN KENOBI DOESN’T RESPECT CLONE TROOPERS OR NEVER CARED FOR THEIR LIVES. But his way of thinking contrast a lot with Anakin’s. If you read the book, you will notice that in Anakin’s POV the term “clone(s)” is used too. Sometimes it’s more for narrative purpose (like in some example above), sometimes not. Clone as a word alone is not insult itself; like ARC trooper Alpha once said in New Face of War comics, clone is what he is.

The biggest difference between mentioned characters and Anakin is his MINDSET. Just look at Anakin’s way of adressing (thinking about) clone troopers:

Gold Squadron, with their unerring instinct for imminent trouble; was waiting for him on the hangar deck, laconic and restively ready for action. Clone Captain Fireball, his clipped hair dyed an eye-searing scarlet, a single black-and-scarlet scalp-lock proclaiming his stubborn individuality, greeted him as he joined them.

"General."

"Game on, Fib," he said. "With a twist-we've got no communications."

His captain's only reaction was a raised eyebrow. "Fine. I'll take fighting over chitchat any day."

Oh, these men. He loved them. "It means we're going in hot and wild, no plan but this... blast those kriffing Sep ships out of my sky."

Fireball grinned with ear-to-ear ferocity. "It'll be our pleasure, General."

The rest of Gold Squadron was listening, their focused attention and absolute belief in him as warm and as reassuring as his mother's hand on his back.

"Grievous is out there, sitting on his clanky butt thinking he's got us whipped before we fire a single shot," he told his pilots, sharing with them his own unbridled ferocity. "I'm in the mood to contradict him, boys. How about you?"

They roared with one voice, clenched fists punching the air above their heads.

"Forget about the comm troubles," he added. "You don't need me telling you what to do. You were born knowing what to do. You've done it before, and after today you'll do it again."

Another roar, louder this time.

"Torrent, Cascade, and Waterfall companies are depending on us to sweep the streets for 'em," he finished. "And we are not going to let them down. Agreed?"

"Agreed!" his pilots shouted, so loud this time that the hangar's metal struts and deck plating thrummed with the sound.

The “Clone Captain Fireball” serve the same purpose like in Ahsoka’s POV; it’s description that helps in narration. One word and we know more or less who is that new person. But after that Anakin is always adressing clones around him either as his pilots or men or boys. Companies sent to Kothlis are depending on them, they are team. Not on me and you (clones).

Anakin is using captain’s name and doesn’t even try to deny how much he loves his pilots, how attached to them he is. Their absolute belief in him is “as warm and as reassuring as his mother's hand on his back”, what is something more than Jedi Order ever gave to him.

He was so proud of them - and at the same time so afraid. The brutal reality of combat meant the odds were they wouldn't all come home. They knew it, too, but no one would read that in their faces - faces that were at first glance, to the uncaring observer, identical. But he knew them as individuals, and he loved them for themselves. He could list each man's scars, recite each man's quirks, describe each man's idiosyncratic hair. Close-helmeted, in full body armor, he knew everyone of them by his walk.

Blindfold me and I'll tell you who laughed.

Letting his gaze touch each unique, committed pilot, he locked their faces tightly in his memory, in case this was the last time.

Anakin sees every clone trooper as individual person. Only uncaring observer could look at their faces and think they’re identical, what alone breaks so common idea that clones are just “duplicated lives” that look human but are not exactly real people. Pilots of Gold Squadron are unique, committed people and Anakin could list each MAN’s scars, recite each MAN’s quirks, and so on. It’s not each CLONE’s scar / quirks / hair, they are MEN in Skywalker’s eyes.

"Good," he said, and took a quick look around the hangar to make sure Gold Squadron was locked and loaded. Yes. Every starfighter was tight and right, canopies engaged. He felt burning in the Force: his pilots' united determination to prevail, to defeat the enemy no matter what was thrown their way.

I'm so lucky to have them. Please, don't let me let them down.

His pilots. Don’t let me let them down. This is similar “prayer” to Ahsoka’s one, except Anakin doesn’t call them clones even in his own mind.

Now, let’s look at the scene after the battle:

"That's excellent news, Admiral. I'll be here waiting for them. Kenobi out."

Anakin shook his head. "Ah-no, you won't."

"I won't?" Obi-Wan's eyebrows shot up. "Anakin, I don't recall needing your permission to..."

"Save your breath," Anakin said flatly. "I'm not arguing this with you. Medic!"

The clone who'd patched up Obi-Wan looked around from packing his medkit. "General Skywalker?"

"When's the next medevac due?"

"In a couple of minutes, sir. But it's not coming here, it's..."

"It is now. Arrange that, would you? Then see General Kenobi safe on board-and if it's not heading back to Indomitable, tell them to make a detour."

The medic nodded. "Yes, sir."

"Anakin..."

Exasperated, Anakin glared at his mentor. "Obi-Wan, you don't need to brief the disaster team and the Bothans. I can do that. And get a proper sitrep and sort out our troops while I'm at it."

"Well, yes, that's true, but..."

"But nothing," he snapped, not the least bit interested in good manners. Sometimes Obi-Wan needed a short, sharp shock. Not your Padawan anymore, remember? "You said it yourself-Chancellor Palpatine has to know what's going on. That's our top priority. And in case you hadn't noticed? You're bleeding again. You belong in a medbay. Now, I've given this soldier a direct order. Don't make him disobey it by being difficult and don't upset the chain of command by countermanding me."

Silence. Obi-Wan stared at him.

[...]

With a cheerful nod at his mute former Master, carefully not looking at the medics, he sauntered out of the loading dock, heading for his fighter. As he walked, he toggled his comlink. "This is Gold Leader. Check in, people. Tell me what's going on."

One by one, his surviving pilots replied. Good news all around. No more casualties, lots more kills, the last of Grievous's garbage disposed of. Kothlis was free at last.

"Good job. Head on home," he told them. "I've got a couple of things to do here but I'll be right behind you. And the drinks are on me."

See a pattern here? Anakin’ POV doesn’t mark at every opportunity that people around him are clones. He sees and speaks about them the same as he does with others. There is medic / soldier instead of clone medic / clone soldiers. Just “our tropers” instead of “our clone companies” (like Obi-Wan said earlier). Check in, people when he is calling his pilots to brief them.

It’s one thing to use words like “clone” for narrative purpose - and sometimes it’s necessery! - and another to always mark that detail. It makes me feel, like characters are so keen to distinguish clones from “naturally born” people. Like there is some big, important difference between both groups that never should be forget (”Your clone captain Rex”, said Yoda. “General, you don't have the authority to stand down my men. What you do with your clones is your business, of course” said Commander Jefris).

In short: Ahsoka and even Kenobi show clones a lot respect and kindness in that story, sure. But the biggest contrast between them and Anakin lays in details. Even in his private thoughts, Anakin does not set apart “clones” from “real” people. Clone Troopers who serve under his command are his men; they are brave soldiers, fearless pilots and good medics as any non cloned ones should be. He sees them first and foremost as people. Anakin’s mindset is what makes him so different from a vast number of presented characters. What I believe is rooted in his life experiences of slavery. Even as a kid, Anakin stood up firmy against dehumanization of slaves.

And it’s even more shame that most (if not all?) sources presenting relationship between Skywalker and clones ignore their similar experiences of slavery and how that aspect affects all of them.

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stonefreeak · 7 years

Note

Will Depa Billaba ever make an appearance? She and Obi-Wan would get along

I also had an ask about Depa from a logged-in user—they had a Depa icon, that’s why I remember—which is now gone. :I Both of these asks actually came just when I was starting to write this ficlet, but since it’s taken me like TWO MONTHS to finish, I can’t exactly say that “oh wow, these came at such a convenient time! :D” because the two months makes that sound a bit ridiculous, lmao!

Anyway, YES. Finally finished this ficlet. I have no idea why it took me so long, I even cut off the beginning of it so I could at least get something posted (which is why there’s a ficlet with nothing but Obi-Wan meditating. that was actually supposed to be a lead-in to this ficlet, hahaha).

Uni is a time and energy thief and pls help me. :’I

ANYWAY, enough ramblings from me, I hope y’all enjoy the update!

“Barefoot, Master Kenobi?”

The amused voice cuts through Obi-Wan’s meditation, and he surfaces quickly. He opens his eyes and finds himself face-to-face with Depa Billaba, a faint smile on her face.

“Master Billaba,” he says as a way of greeting, keeping his face placid. “Grass against bare feet is excellent for meditation, I’ll have you know. It helps ground me when I stretch my mind out… and it tickles quite comfortably.”

They look at each other for a long moment, both faces serene. It’s Depa who breaks out into a smile and lets out a chortle first, though Obi-Wan quickly follows.

“As you say,” she says, voice full of mirth, before she too removes boots and socks to sit down next to him.

They don’t say anything for a few moments, instead basking in the peace of the Room of a Thousand Fountains.

It’s Depa who breaks the silence. “You’ve been busy, or so I’ve heard, Chancellor Kenobi. How many committees to investigate and possibly repeal laws have you instigated now?”

Obi-Wan looks at her and winces at her choice of title. He far prefers it when his fellow Jedi call him by his name or his Jedi titles. She just gives him a wry smile and raises an eyebrow.

“… Twenty-three,” he admits with a sigh. It’s been quite a few already, and most likely more to come. It feels like every day he finds more and more worrisome legislation.

“Out of those twenty-three, in how many cases have you failed to convince the committee to bring it up for a repeal vote?”

“… None.” Obi-Wan looks away. The Negotiator indeed.

“And on that note, how many have failed the vote to repeal the law?”

“One.”

Depa looks genuinely surprised. “Oh really? What was that one about?”

“It was an utterly ridiculous law that allows members of the Republic Senate to break any traffic law on any Republic world without consequence.” Obi-Wan sighs again and runs a hand through his hair. “Why would you ever legislate such a thing?” Legislations that allow Senators to circumvent Republic laws… No, he doesn’t like it at all.

“That’s ridiculous.” Depa pushes some hair out of her face, eyebrows knitting together and mouth turning down. “Though I’ll admit I’m not surprised they didn’t repeal it.”

“Neither am I. Disappointed? Absolutely. Surprised? Not at all.” Obi-Wan shakes his head. There is no doubt that there is corruption in the Senate. It is so very clear that it no longer serves the people of the Republic, but rather the Senators themselves.

Change will be slow in the coming, but he will work for it. Things must change if there’s to be any hope for peace in the galaxy and a functional Republic. Obi-Wan knows his duty.

“So, what does your schedule look like for the next week, Chancellor,” Depa says, breaking Obi-Wan’s train of thought, with a small smirk on her lips.

Obi-Wan rolls his eyes at her, but cannot stop the way his mouth twitches towards a smile.

“Tomorrow I have almost nothing scheduled except for paperwork, paperwork and some more paperwork. I’ll spend the day at the Chancellor’s office, unless an emergency comes in.” He falls silent for a brief moment, then looks at Depa slyly. “Considering Anakin is only shipping out tomorrow, that looks unlikely.”

Depa throws her head back and laughs, hand coming up to cover her mouth. She gently shoves him in jest as they laugh.

“To return to your question” he continues, the smile refusing to leave his lips, “I also have a meeting with the committee looking over Republic Legislation 34-X5-32DL—it’s about fuel standards in public freight ships—because they had some questions for me regarding the report I wrote on it. Then on Centaxday it’s more paperwork and negotiations with the forty-five planets who wish to return to the republic.”

“Wait,” Depa stops him, “you mean another forty-five beyond the first ten?”

Obi-Wan nods. “Yes, exactly. Since the negotiations with the first ten were ultimately successful, another forty-five have shown interest in returning.”

“Your work, I suppose?” She raises an eyebrow.

“Now, I wouldn’t say that—”

“So it was.” She nods resolutely. “Good to know. Do go on, Obi-Wan.”

He huffs a small laugh and shakes his head at her. If she wants to think so… well, he can’t stop her. He doesn’t think it’s really thanks to him, though he might have held the Senate’s more… disagreeable Senators in check.

“Taungsday is dedicated to the war effort, and in trying to end the war in general. Which means trying to organise the fleets and getting an update from Anakin and Ahsoka, as well as from Cody and Admiral Yularen… And I’ll be reaching out to the Separatist Senate again in hopes of starting a peace process.” He pauses and considers that for a second. “You know, Depa? I rather think someone is trying to deliberately stop that from happening.”

She looks at him gravely. “Likely someone who benefits from the war, then.”

“Likely,” he agrees with a nod.

They sit in silence for a while before Obi-Wan gently shakes his head.

“On Zhellday I have a meeting with a group of Senators who wish to discuss some of their ’worries’ about my work ethic, apparently” he continues. “After that it’s the last day of the week, so more Council work, unless they cancel it again,” he says with a smile and a small shrug.

“The following week is much of the same. Many meetings, Council work combined and work as a General in between the large piles of paperwork I must get through…” He strokes his beard in contemplation. “I do have a meeting with Senators Biwa, Himesh, Ha’han-ash and Chuchi before lunch and a meeting with Senator Organa during the afternoon of the following Zhellday. Occasionally I have meetings booked in without actually knowing what they’re about. They get booked in long in advance since the meeting spots are limited, and I assume the Senators hope they’ll think of something before the meeting.” He rolls his eyes. Either the Senators are trying to catch him out, which doesn’t sound like Chuchi, Ha’han-ash or Bail, or they don’t know what they want to speak with him about… though that doesn’t sound like them either.

It is possible that it’s something important and possibly in need of secrecy, of course.

“Sounds like you have quite the busy schedule.” Depa’s voice brings him out of his thoughts.

Obi-Wan doesn’t look at her, but he’s rather sure she’s wearing the same expression he’s caught on Mace and Yoda’s faces a few times: worry.

“Well, let’s just say I wasn’t wholly surprised that the Council decided to do this little coup of getting me a day off for nothing but meditation, saberwork and relaxing.”

They share another smile, before a comfortable silence descends.

Obi-Wan returns to his meditation, clears his head and reaches for the Force. It wraps around him like a blanket. It’s not as warm or as easy as he remembers from his childhood—the Force has grown darker and harder to connect to as deeply as he used to over the years—especially since the war started.

~~~~

When Obi-Wan surfaces from meditation, he finds that Depa is no longer meditating either. She looks troubled, and her shoulders slump.

“How are you, Depa?” He doesn’t want to pry; if she doesn’t want to talk, he won’t push her. But perhaps it would do her good to talk to someone besides the mind healers.

“I’m… better.” She sighs and bites her lip momentarily before she lets her face smooth out again. “I’m having trouble accepting what happened. Or… no, not accepting. I have trouble forgiving myself for it.”

Obi-Wan says nothing, but gently places a hand on her shoulder, lightly enough that she could easily shake it off. She leans into him instead, and he wraps his arm around her shoulders.

“We speak of Falling as if it’s so easy. An accident, almost. But I know… I know it’s a choice.”

Obi-Wan can feel tension practically radiating off her.

“I was losing my men at such a rapid rate, and I felt powerless to stop it. I thought… I thought if I was just stronger, if I just had more power, I could stop Grievous, and save them. So I made my choice: I stepped into the Dark, channeled the Force through my fear and my wish to protect my men, and I Fell.”

She closes her eyes and takes a deep, shuddering breath. “I chose to Fall, I chose to turn my back on the Light completely. That power, Obi-Wan, it was overwhelming. It was like stepping right into the middle of the rushing river.” She takes another deep breath and releases it slowly. “I understand why the Jedi have chosen to not channel the Force through emotions, even though we could channel the Light through joy, love, or other positive ones. If you start channeling through one emotion, it is so easy to slide into channeling through another. Like Master Yoda says, fear leads to anger…”

She opens her eyes again and her face hardens for a brief moment. “I lost myself in a feedback loop. The more powerful I became, the stronger my anger became, and the stronger my anger was… You understand.”

“I do,” he whispers.

“I lost my sister on Geonosis, right when the war started.” Depa stares at the water. “She was the last of my blood family. But Mace has long been like a father to me, and I love him…” She pauses for a moment, collecting herself. “But there on Harun Kal, on his home planet… It didn’t matter. I lost myself to my anger and fear, not to mention that seeing him made me feel ashamed. So I… I tried to prove myself. Prove how strong the Darkside made me.”

She laughs, watery and bitter. Obi-Wan gently squeezes her shoulder, and she leans further into his side, resting her head on his shoulder.

“There is no denying that he’s a more skilled duellist than I am. I was overpowering him only because of the strength the Dark gave me, and because he was on the defensive. He was trying not to hurt me, you know… But I was trying to hurt him.”

“Depa…” Obi-Wan isn’t sure what to say. It’s too sincere, too raw.

“It’s alright. I’m still talking to the mind healers. I’m… getting better. And they always remind me that I stopped, that I chose to come back.” She snorts. “That’s what caused the coma, you know? Mace was getting desperate, I was pressing the advantage and he knew the longer the fight wore on, the greater the risk either one of us would get killed. So he… He Force pushed me. He was just planning to get some distance between us.”

“So what went wrong?” Obi-Wan glances down at her.

“I stopped. Mid-attack. I stopped because I chose differently. I reigned myself in, and stopped, just as the Force push came. So I went flying into a cliffside.” She closes her eyes. “You know the rest.”

As a Councillor, Obi-Wan does know what happened. Mace brought Depa back to Coruscant, hurt and unconscious. The knowledge that she Fell is private, known only by the Council and the mind healers she started seeing after she woke up from her coma.

“He feels guilty, you know. That he pushed you, I mean,” Obi-Wan murmurs.

“I know. He shouldn’t. What choice did he have? What choice did I give him?”

“You didn’t give him a choice. But he still faced one very similar to the one you faced on Harun Kal: he could keep faith in that he would hold out long enough for you to come back to him, or he could try to change the situation to his advantage.”

“Oh…” Depa says softly. “I did know help was coming, but I… lost faith that it would reach us quickly enough. So I acted—to defend my men.”

“Yes, you did.” Obi-Wan squeezes her shoulder gently and rests his cheek against her hair. “The one most hurt by your actions was Mace. He’s already forgiven you, and carries his own guilt. Perhaps… Perhaps you’ll find it in you to forgive yourself, if you can make him do the same?”

Silence descends. Obi-Wan wonders if he crossed a line, said something he should not have. He’s no mind healer, this is not his area of expertise.

“Perhaps you’re right. Thank you, Obi-Wan,” Depa finally says.

“You’re welcome, Depa.”

A comfortable silence takes over for a brief moment, before Depa lets out a watery chuckle and straightens. Obi-Wan lets his arm fall from her shoulder and places both his hands in his lap instead.

“You’ve grown so wise. What ever did happen to that fiery little Padawan who rushed into things before he thought them through, hmm?” Mirth has returned to Depa’s voice.

Obi-Wan huffs out a laugh. “He grew up, as all children do—sooner or later.”

“I believe Qui-Gon would be very proud of you, you know…” She pauses and turns to him with a smile on her lips. “Even if you are on the High Council.”

They share a laugh at the thought. Oh yes, Qui-Gon would most likely have a thing or two to say about that.

“Thank you, Depa…”

They share a smile, and peace and calm reign in the Room of a Thousand Fountains once more.

—

(Supreme Chancellor Obi-Wan Kenobi masterpost)

#Supreme Chancellor Obi Wan Kenobi #my writing #Obi Wan Kenobi #Depa Billaba #star wars #this is where I really start doing my own lovely mix of legends and canon #also fuck the canon timeline #no one thought very much about that anyway #so #I'm gonna use one that makes more sense #lol #I got an ask!#Anonymous

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