#and also playing ed's and abusive moms as a joke is bad anyways like i can say that those aspects made me uncomfortable as a kid | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

creek-cryptid-deluxe · 4 years

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Ok my dudes, dudettes, & various cryptids, we gotta talk about something. A health something.

So if you've followed me at all, you know I have vEDS & that my hypermobility is pretty gnarly in that my joints are stupid levels of unstable. I think many of you have probably caught on to the fact that I wasn't diagnosed until pretty late in the game... like 4 yrs ago when I was 30. For as bad as my symptoms are, I should have shown significant symptoms & signs as a youngster, someone should have noticed, right? It seems super sketchy that I have a lifelong genetic disorder in a really bad way but nobody noticed til I was 30.

I definitely get that. That shit is sketchy as hell, unless you know how I was raised. Allow me to shed light upon why I'm a weird outlier regarding treatment/diagnosis of EDS.

I guess let's start at the beginning. I was born to a workaholic man & a schizoaffective woman who was upset that I was not a boy. When the doctors pulled me out, my hips were dislocated entirely. Like just dangling. But my mother was so "distressed" (aka throwing a crazy bitch fit over something insane) that they didn't want to trouble her or my father with it. They told my dad's mom. She... told nobody.

As a baby/toddler/preschooler, I fell. A lot. Like, an abnormal amount & for seemingly no reason. My knees & elbows bent backward. But dad was always working & mom was crazy.

When I was 4, they split, & dad got with my stepmother.

The first memory I have of this woman is her laughing at 4 yr old me & calling me stupid with an amount of venom in her voice that I was used to from mom (who still hated me for not being a boy). Why was 4 yr old me stupid & deserving of ridicule? Because I'd never seen french toast, but knew what toast was, so I made the toast connection & tried to eat the sticky mess with my hands. You know... LIKE TOAST.

Anyway, i remember my entire childhood having neck, back, & joint pain. The joint pain would get so bad that elementary school aged me would cry myself to sleep most nights. Dad was still always working & the stepmom told me that either I was faking for attention or that I just had the regular pains everyone has, I was just a baby & sucked at coping.

I can remember popping my hips partially in & out (obviously not knowing what I was doing) when I was absent mindedly thinking because I liked the noise it made. I remember the stepmom starting a nickname that stuck within the family for YEARS: flamingo girl because my elbows & knees went so far backwards. I remember the running family jokes about how I would be "just standing there, then fell over for no reason". I was told I was clumsy & so uncoordinated they were surprised I could get food into my mouth.

Still, I was told it was normal, despite nobody else having these problems.

My shoulder started sliding out of socket regularly on the playground or during normal activities during elementary school. The first time it happened at school, I went to the nurse. My stepmom reluctantly came to get me & take me to the doctor while telling me I was faking to get out of school.

When I was 7, I started getting pneumonia every winter. She berated me for having the nerve to be "so disgustingly sickly".

When I was 8, I started getting what looked like migraines every couple months, but was never taken to a doctor. I was put in a dark room with a cold compress & grounded for attention seeking. Around this time, schools still did scoliosis checks & found mild curvatures in my back. Nothing was ever brought up about that again.

When I was 11, my knee fully dislocated at school. I was told I did it on purpose to make her look bad. She had a friend who was a psychiatrist treat me for mental illness that I didn't have because the doctor, being her friend, didn't even speak to me. Just took her word for it regarding my alleged behavior & my mother's mental health. I was drugged & pulled out of school for an intensive outpatient program where I said nothing. Saying nothing was safest. The one time I spoke of her other outright abuse, I was punished.

All this time, my father was working himself to death because she popped out 2 other kids, bringing the count to a total of 4, & refused to work. He had no idea what was happening.

So I grew up thinking my body was normal, I just sucked at dealing with it. I didn't get any idea that it wasn't until my mid 20s but by then, I was a parent & was juuuust making ends meet, so I couldn't figure out what was happening, even if I wanted to. So I pushed through as my dislocations & migraine like headaches got more frequent & more devastating.

Then, around 30, after 4 organ ruptures of unknown causes & a lifetime of ignored dislocations, hypermobility, pneumonia, & migraines, my body had enough. Things really went downhill & it snowballed pretty fast. It still took until I was 32 to get a proper diagnosis.

Since then, everyone has been trying to play catch up. By that time, my tendons & ligaments had become so fragile that PT actually did a load of damage in the form of tearing. My hips & knees slid out slightly when I walked, resetting themselves when I put my foot back on the floor. I was rx'd a power chair (which I still waited nearly 2 years to get & still only use for long trips). I had serious GI problems. The migraines (which are tension headaches) were happening weekly (now daily).

So in summary, this could have been prevented with early intervention & proper care. But unfortunately I was the victim of abuse & negligence. And that, my dears, is why I am a weird outlier.

If you take ONE thing from this, I hope it is that you pay attention & listen to your kids. Don't blow them off when they say something is wrong or you see evidence that something is wrong.

If you've made it this far, thank you for listening to my rant/explanation of how EDS can be THIS bad & go unnoticed for so long.

Also, there is no need for "I'm sorry" or pity. I know how hard my life has been & I went through a decade of therapy to get over the PTSD & such from my childhood. It's just an explanation & cautionary tale.

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everykindofnerd13 · 4 years

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AU Time (PT. 1)

Ok, so like, Pennywise doesn't exist. They all met under less unfortunate circumstances, and became close by hanging out with eachother. Now, they were still all bullied, and all had their own personal and family issues, that doesn't change, but you know, Bill doesn't have many because his brother is alive. Anyway, they're friends from middle school on, and no one moves away. But, what does happen, is someone new moves in. There's a new girl in town, and she's just so sweet, and she actually ends up becoming good friends with Bev, and Bev has this sudden realisation that she's kinda been denied her girl time for so long, save for painting nails and doing makeup with Richie occasionally. She starts spending more and more time with her, and suddenly it all comes crashing down when she cancels the annual monthly movie night, and Richie is infuriated, but mostly terrified. Sure, Ben and Bill were better friends with Bev, but she was Richie's best friend his friendly outlet, someone he could rant to without worrying about being made fun of, and she was ditching them so often. He couldn't just knock on her window anymore, because for all he knew, she was with her new friend. But Richie attends movie night, and he has fun with the guys, he doesn't even say anything, because how selfish would he sound, trying to take Bev away from her new friend that made her feel more free? So he kept his mouth shut, and the other losers thought nothing of it, until the next day, when they all say together at lunch, and Bev was there, with her new friend and she asked Richie a question.

"Hey Rich, you wanna go down to the quarry tonight, and you all too." Bev asks, looking straight at Richie, only glancing at the other losers. Everyone nods and agrees but Richie keeps his head down. He shrugs and nods his head then continues to poke at his barely edible cafeteria food. Everyone looks around at eachother, sharing some concerned looks but ultimately let it go, assuming he was just tired.

Later that night, as planned, they go to the Quarry, and everyone has a good time, it's not exactly warm out so they stay out of the water, but sitting on the bank and talking was just as relaxing, and Richie was himself. He made jokes and poked fun at Eddie who would act annoyed but ultimately smile. He bashed Stan for his bird watching thing, he bullied Ben for his poem writing, and he made fun of Bill for his extensive collection of artwork, and everyone's convinced that he was just tired at lunch, but then Bev's friend is there with them, and Richie is quiet again, slinking away from conversation and avoiding contact with Bev or her new friend, or any of the losers really, because they all really liked Bev's new friend, and he didn't want to ruin that for Bev, so rather than risk saying something he didn't mean and losing Beverly's trust, he quickly whispers to Eddie that he's gonna go and turns to grab his bike, completely ignoring Eddie's whisper-shouted question of why. He simply got on his bike and pedaled off, and when he looked back, he saw that Eddie, Stan, Bill, Mike, and Ben watched as he left, but Beverly didn't even seem to noticed. He didn't realise it until he got home, but this really hurt Richie. He would have immediately been worried for Bev if she left one of their friendly get togethers not only early, but so abruptly, so after carefully sneaking up to his room, he found himself laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, letting the tears flow out of his eyes and land on his pillow, just below his ears. He fell asleep like that, the year stains still left on his cheek. He didn't sleep for long before he was interrupted though, by a loud knocking on his window. He lazily stood up, rubbing his eyes to wake himself up and shuffled over to the window, throwing it open for Eddie, who was sitting on his windowsill just waiting. When he was safely inside and the window was shut, and both oft hem were settled comfortably on Richie's bed, Richie finally realised the concern in Eddie's eyes and he immediately felt even worse. He had not only made Eddie worry, but he'd left the party early as well, and that just tore Richie apart.

"What's going on Richie?" Eddie asked quietly, placing one of his hands on Richie's knee, causing him to look down at his legs and pretend that he was confused rather than hiding the tears he felt welling in his eyes. Suddenly, Eddie's hand was on his cheek, forcing him to look up at Eddie's concerned expression. That's when he broke down. He began to cry, he pulled away from Eddie and backed up against the headboard of his bed, pulling his knees to his chest and crying into his arms on top of them. He could sense the shock, he knew that Eddie was surprised, because all of the losers knew that Richie preferred not to show any kind of vulnerability, and that's why he made the lewd jokes. He knew that seeing him cry would probably cause Eddie's concerns to skyrocket and then his anxiety would spike, and suddenly Richie would be scrambling to grab the spare inhaler our of his bedside table before Eddie dies right there in his room. But he just couldn't stop the tears from coming. He was so deeply terrified of losing someone that he loved and trusted with all of his feelings, and it felt like she was slipping through his fingers like water. He felt the shift in weight on his bed when Eddie moved closer to hug him and pull him over so that Richie's head was rested on his chest, and his coral red shirt was being soaked by Richie's sobs. He rubbed circles in Richie's back and placed a gentle kiss to the top of his head but that notion only made Richie cry harder because he remembered Bev doing that when he was breaking down in her room, in the middle of the night.

After a few minutes of crying and soothing, and whispering, Richie was finally calm enough for Eddie to pull away, but he kept his hands on Richie's shoulders, to ground him. He looked him dead in the eyes and asked again, what he was wondering.

"What's wrong Richie?" And the serious time of voice that he used immediately reminded him of Stan. He chuckled to himself then glanced up at Eddie who was staring at him intensely, his eyes never budging from Richie's face. Richie sighed and looked up at Eddie with sad eyes that poured out every emotion Richie had been feeling those last few weeks of losing Bev's presence.

"I miss her Eddie." He whispered so softly he didn't expect Eddie to hear it, but he did, and that only concerned and confused him more.

"Who Rich?" He asked in the exact same time Richie had just answered him.

"Beverly," Richie said simply and Eddie's eyes widened, "and I know, I didn't lose her, she was never mine to begin with, and she still hangs out with us and all, I know, but usually, when I feel this awful, she's the one I go to. I sneak over to her house at 12 o'clock at night and we talk about and she sees it from this whole different perspective that completely defogs my view, but now, I can't, because he's the reason the fog is falling. And it's because she's spending so much time with Edith, and I know, I'm a selfish punk, I deserve to feel that way, it's none of my business who she hangs out with, I'm an annoying jerk who you're never going to talk to again, believe, it's all already played out in my head Spaghetti. That's why I avoid conversation when Bev and Edith are together, because I'm afraid of saying something I don't mean and losing her, but I guess it doesn't matter now because i'm telling all of this to you and you're going to be disgusted and you'll tell the others but I'll be fine, don't worry about it Ed's, I'll-" Suddenly Richie's rambling came to a halt as he broke down again, and this time when Eddie tried to hug him he flinched away.

"No, it's fine, don't pity me, I know I'm awful, and that you don't want to be friends with someone that is stupid enough to avoid someone to escape losing them. I'm just waiting for the moment for you all to decide I'm awful without you giving me a reason so that I can be angry with you and not myself." Richie was sobbing again, shaking from the sudden fear of losing everyone, they were his bestfriends, and he didn't want to lose them, but it seemed like the only logical option at that point.

"Richie..." Eddie began, his voice so soft, and hurt that it only made Richie's tears flow faster, " we would never leave you. Alright, get that through your head. And Bev wouldn't be angry with you if you just told her what you felt, and I know that's a struggle but we need you as much as you need us, we need you there to make all of your stupid 'your mom' jokes, and the lewd ones that drive Stan up a wall, and to make a bad joke out of an awful situation, just to lighten the mood, we need you because you're our stress reliever, you're our get away from everything awful going on in our lives. From my mom's absolute insanity, from Stan's dad's pressure, from Ben's constant bullying, from Mike's awful farm duties, from Bill's stressful speech therapy, from Bev's abusive father. You're our outlet, and we need you here, because we love you, alright?" Eddie's rant ends a bit sooner than Richie's but by the end of it, Richie feels completely rejuvenated, but his mood drops again when he remembers.

"I also don't want to ruin something she loves so much. Edith is Bev's first real female friend. They can paint their nails together and do eachother's hair and makeup and they don't have to worry about one of them being beat up because of it. I know that Bev needs Edith, I just wish she still needed me just as much. Did you know that she used to test all of her new nail polish colors on me, I've seen her where at least four new colors since Edith got here, and she hasn't even asked. I mean, I would complain, but it was always the highlight of my week to try another color with Bev, and now she doesn't do it. And I can also tell that you guys like her. You, and Stan, and Bill, and and Ben, and Mike? I see how much fun you have with her, who am I to ruin that? You all deserve to be happy alright?" Richie is still crying, still shaking, still struggling to breathe, because he was suddenly putting everything on the table. All of his insecurities, all of his deepest fears, his darkest secrets, and his ugliest truths. It was the most horrifying thing ever, but Eddie always had a good reaction. He leaned forward and hugged Richie again. He held him tight to chest again, and he hugged Richie for what felt like forever but was really only two minutes, but it was the best feeling he'd felt all month.

"Rich, I want you to know something, if you ever, and I mean ever, decide that you don't feel valid in any way or form, I want you to come to me immediately, we'll do this every single time, you can lay everything out on the table, and I won't do anything, I'll just be your outlet, ok?" Richie nodded, and sniffed, wiping at tears still streaming down his face. Eddie chuckled and brought both his hands up to Richie's face as well. He rubbed at the tears then kissed Richie on the forehead, and hesitantly, on the lips. It was completely normal for them at that point, but it still took some gather courage for Eddie to initiate a kiss. Richie kissed him back, moving his hands to Eddie's waist and pulling him a little closer. Eddie's lips stayed on his and his hands traveled from Richie's cheeks around his head to the back of his neck where they pulled at the shortest pieces of hair. Richie moves his knees to be sitting criss crossed and moved his hands to Eddie's thighs, pulling him into his lap. They part seconds later and Richie smiled fondly at his boyfriend.

"Alright, it's your choice but our friends should still be at the Quarry, you wanna go?" Eddie asks, rubbing Richie's shoulders gently. Richie looks around his room, the same room he'd lived in his entire life. He sighed then nodded, letting Eddie climb off of him before they left. They both got on their bikes and rode out to the quarry which wasn't too far from Richie's house luckily. They parked their bikes and walked out to where the rest of the losers and Edith laid, staring up at the stars. Eddie sat down next to Stan and laid back on the ground, followed by Richie who laid beside him. They intertwined their fingers and looked up at the sky. Richie would never admit to it, but he was really good in science, mostly because he wanted to have a set answer to the things he couldn't control in life. As he stared up at the stars he began pointing out different constellations and specific stars to Eddie whispering them quietly. After a while, Stan sat up. He walked over to his bike and grabbed something off the handle bars. Bill stood as well, most likely going to investigate. Both boys worked to hang whatever it was from a tree then flipped a switch and Richie realised it was a lantern. He stood up and walked over to have a seat under the lantern. Stan, much to Richie's relief sat down beside Richie and Bill sat down next to him. He watched as Mike and Ben joined them, then slowly, Bev and Edith. He kept his head down, praying that Bev wouldn't say anything so he wouldn't feel obligated to talk, the fear and anxiety from earlier creeping back up. Eddie seemed to realise and reached over, intertwining their fingers and squeezing Richie hands reassuredly. Richie could physically feel himself calming down, but he was still scared of saying something he didn't mean and he refused to say anything because of it. Eddie didn't push him, and when someone would make the mistake of trying to force him, they caught one of Eddie's worst glares yet. Of course, he apologized afterward, but quickly changed the subject, kindly steering everything away from Richie's strange behavior, and after a while, Bill checked his watch.

"Aw man, guys it's 12 already..." He muttered, glancing around at his friends. Everyone just kinda shrugged, except for Edith who stood up and dusted off her knees.

"Well that signals my leave, I'll see you at school tomorrow Beverly, Bye Stan, Bill, Ben, Mike, Eddie, uh... Richie?" Edith pointed at Richie as she cocked her head to the side, asking if she was right. Richie looked up at her and nodded. She smiled at him then walked away, waving behind her at everyone. Everyone called their goodbyes as well, but Richie still kept his mouth shut, only slightly waving at her as she left. She got on her bike and pedaled off, then almost immediately after she was out of earshot, Bev turned and locked eyes with Richie. He could see the anger in her eyes and it scared him.

"What's your problem Richie?" She asked, her voice cold and demanding.

"I-" Richie started but was immediately cut off.

"Woah, what's up with you?" Bill asked Beverly, saving Richie from having to try and explain himself while on the verge of tears.

"What? He's been a jerk to me all day! He hasn't talked to me at all, and then he disappeared on us!" Beverly shouted angrily, and Richie felt his lip quiver. He brought his wrist to his face, and bit it, trying to distract himself. Eddie reached up and pulled away his hand, making Richie look at him.

"Bev, calm down, you're overreacting." Ben tried, placing a hand on her shoulder, but she jerked away.

"No I'm not! We're best friends! We have to be there for eachother, you don't just avoid your best friend Ben!" Then Bev's cold glare was back on Richie and he suddenly felt trapped. He stared into her icy blue eyes, feeling himself slowly breakdown inside.

"Richie! Why are you avoiding me!?" She questions him, her voice's volume growing and her eyes more angry, and suddenly Eddie was on his feet.

"Shut up Bev! I don't have time for this, stop shouting at him before I take him and we both leave and you can figure out what you're gonna do to fix it without talking to either of us!" Eddie was angry, and it was obvious in his voice. Stan looked stunned and Mike's mouth was hanging open in surprise. Beverly's angry expression was then set on Eddie.

"You shut up Eds, all you ever do is make the situation worse," that sentence shocked everyone. Eddie felt a pang in his heart and he back up, the sadness that encased him immediately replaced with anger, and he glared at Bev.

"What's wrong with you?" He whispered quietly, grabbing Richie's hand and pulling him up.

"Let's go..." He murmured, walking toward their bikes. Richie was shocked as well, sure he was afraid that Bev would drop him, but she was angry with Eddie now, and he had dropped her. They heard footsteps behind them and saw Stan followed by Mike walking to their bikes as well, looking just as angry. Stan quickly mounted his bike and pedaled up next to Eddie.

"I'm sorry about what she said, she's being a jerk, you didn't do anything wrong." He muttered then pedaled off. Eddie smiled and nodded at him then turned to Richie, who was leaning over on his handle bars, his face rested on his arms.

"C'mon Rich, let's go home. You can come to mine, or we can go to yours, but I'm not leaving you alone." Richie nodded, kicking up his bike stand and putting his feet on the pedals. Before they can leave, they here Bill talking to Beverly.

"I just want to know why he's avoiding me..." She muttered. Bill had a frown on his face as he answered.

"That doesn't justify what you said to Eddie, we both know full-well that he was angry too, and he struggles with that kind of stuff, don't be rude." Bill remarked, turning and walking toward his bike. As he pedaled away, Eddie watched Bev rubbing her arm, and Ben appeared next to her. He patted her shoulder and she turned to him, it was barely audible, but Eddie heard her whisper to him quietly.

"Was I really that bad?" She had asked, her eyes beginning to glimmer with tears. Ben looked at her empathetically, but he didn't lie.

"Yeah, we both know Eddie deserves better than that, we also both know that Richie is probably stressed out or scared by something, and that being angry or yelling at him is not a way to solve the issue." Ben explained. Bev suddenly looked shocked. She put her hand to her mouth.

"You're so right, oh my God, Ben, I'm awful!" She exclaimed dramatically, throwing her arms around his neck and crying into his shoulder. Eddie felt a sting in his heart when he saw her shaking from the intensity of the sobs, but she had still hurt him, hurt Richie, and she needed to apologize. He looked back at Richie who was also observing the situation, he looked just as hurt as Bev did, and that brought Eddie back to reality. Richie needed out of there. He sent his boyfriend a soft smile and then nodded his head down the road, signalling for them to head off in that direction. Eddie then took off down the road, closely followed by Richie. Eddie stopped by Richie's house and looked back at him, cocking his head to the side. Richie nodded getting off his bike and walking it to the side of his porch, Eddie following quickly. They slowly made their way upstairs and to Richie's bedroom. Richie stripped to just his boxers and climbed into bed while Eddie stripped down to his boxers then started rummaging through Richie's closet for a shirt he could sleep in. He eventually found an absolutely hideous Hawaiian shirt with palm trees and pineapples. It was a bit too big for Richie, so of course it engulfed Eddie whom had barely grown since Freshman year, being a Junior now. He threw it on then crawled into bed in front of Richie, who grabbed him by the waist and pulled him closer. Eddie smiled at Richie as he watched his boyfriend slowly open his chocolate brown eyes. Richie's lips spread into a smile as well when he saw Eddie. They pushed closer together, and Eddie placed a kiss on Richie's lips, causing him to let out a small chuckle. Eddie pulled away then wrapped his arms around Richie's chest and pulled himself impossibly closer, tucking his face into Richie's neck. Richie fell over onto his back and wrapped his arm around Eddie pulling him closer. They fell asleep like that, cuddled together comfortably.

The next day at school, the tension is high in the Loser's club. Richie is still anxiety ridden, and can't bring himself to look barely anyone in the eye, and Eddie and Bev are still on edge from their fight the night before. The rest of the losers have kinda divided themselves based on who's side their on. Stan had taken Richie and Eddie's side, Ben had taken Beverly's side and Bill was stuck in the middle. None of them were fighting, but they stood where they stood. Stan thought that Beverly's behavior was rash and extremely rude, while Ben understood it as a panic-induced anger, and Bill just wanted his friends to get along. Beverly acted as if nothing was happening while she talked with Edith during their classes, and Edith was allegedly completely oblivious, that was until lunch. When Bev and Edith got their trays and rather than walking to the Loser's table where everyone else was already seated, Bev lead Edith over to a different table and sat down there. At first, the Losers thought that Bev was just late to lunch, by after 10 minutes passed, Bill and Ben finally took a good look around the cafeteria and saw Beverly sitting with Edith, alone, and having a grand old time. They immediately turned back to the table, keeping their eyes on their food, but that was extremely suspicious, so of course Richie looked to see what was going on and immediately felt the rush of emotions come flooding back, but he was in school, and you didn't have breakdowns in school, so instead he, pushed his plate away and sat his head on the table, ultimately just trying to keep from crying. Eddie wanted to do something, for Richie, but he was currently so angry with Bev he couldn't even think about it.

"Really!?" He exclaimed, "First, she yells at Richie and Eddie like we're completely pointless and unwanted characters in her life, and now she's avoiding us!?" Eddie was getting sad too, he loved Bev, and he wanted her there, but she was the one who messed up, he wasn't fixing things worse.

"Eddie come on, try to be reasonable." Ben suggested, causing Eddie's already angry expression to morph into a glare.

"Me? I should try to be reasonable, me? Not the one who acted like Richie's avoiding her was a mortal crime, and my attempt at aggressive communication was futile and completely stupid, going as far as to tell me that all I do is make the situation worse!? No Ben, I'm not gonna be reasonable, because she wasn't either, it's really fine, at this point, if she's deciding she'd rather ditch us for someone new, than so be it, I couldn't care less." Eddie pushed his tray away from his seat and stood from the table, stomping away in a steaming mess. Richie could feel the tears prickling more under his sweater sleeves. Ben sighed and continued to eat his food, while Stan spoke up.

"You know, he's not wrong, she's been constantly talking about how scared the idea of losing us makes her, yet she has the audacity to avoid us like the plague simply because we told her off." He had already finished his food and was reading a book, glancing up to look at Ben and Bill when he finished his sentence. Bill sighed but he nodded, while Ben stole another look at Beverly.

"You're right, she is scared of losing us, but... We all left her in a time of need." He explained.

"We left her?" Stan asked, his eyes widening in surprise at Ben's statement.

"Yesterday, after Eddie stomped off with Richie, and you and Mike followed, well, Bill told her what she'd done was wrong and stalked off as well, but I stayed, and she was also crying, because she just doesn't want to lose Richie either, and he's been avoiding her, so she wants to know why." Ben explained the entire night, that Richie knew was what distracted Eddie the night before, but he hadn't been paying attention. He popped his head back up and looked at Ben.

"I need you to do me a favor." He stated quickly, avoiding a voice crack by spitting it out.

"Uh, what?" Ben asks, and Richie lights up at his still willingness

"Well, I need you to find a way to get Bev to the park tonight, only you and Bev." He explained, " I'm going to be there tonight, cause it's Friday, my mom will be out drinking, I don't want to deal with her when she's in that sort of mindset. Anyway, I need to talk to her, she was ditching us, I was terrified, that I was going to lose her, and I didn't know how to handle it, so I avoided talking to her when she was with Edith. I don't mean she was only ditching us, on our nights when I'd go over and she'd paint my nails, or try out some new kind of makeup, she was always free. But now, she's hanging out with Edith most nights, and I just..." Richie trailed off, looking at the table, "I need to talk to her, and I need you to convince her." Richie explained then stood up, dumped his tray and went to find Eddie.

#reddie #richie trashmouth #beep beep richie #richie tozier #eddie spagetti #eddie kaspbrak #beverly marsh #benverly #ben hanscom #stanley uris #bill denbrough #it2017 #it 2017 #it movie #it 2019 #it chapter two

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vintagebeverly · 7 years

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autumn leaves (reddie) chapter one

Eddie hasn’t seen the trees change colors since he was a kid, so Richie deems that the two of them should take a road trip back to Derry and see the trees change colors. Cue lots of bad car karaoke, too much coffee, and Eddie absolutely losing his mind over the gorgeous reds, oranges, and yellows of the fall leaves.

Or the one in which Eddie hates Richie, of course, until he falls in love with him.

Words: 1506

Warnings: lots of swearing, angst, why do i use italics so muhc????

Genre: tooth-rotting fluff with angst mixed in (this chapter doesn’t have that angst but just u wait)

As he shakily placed the phone to his ear, he sighed. He knew it. He fucking knew it. Richie Tozier was sure that his oldest best friend had disconnected his phone some time ago. Richie honestly thought it was because of him. Endless four am phone calls and complaints about whatever girl he was currently dating seemed to piss Eddie Kaspbrak off so much, he would rather call his own fucking mother. His mother for god’s sake!

“Hey, Eds,” Richie would greet, which was usually followed by, “Don’t call me Eds. Don’t fucking call me at all.” Of course, Richie had always assumed that this was sarcastic, but then again, perhaps he was only hearing what he wanted to hear. Richie supposed he had had this ‘filtered hearing’ since he was a kid. (He was still a kid at a mere seventeen, but of course he didn’t consider himself one.) Whenever one of his childhood friends interjected their conversation with the phrase, “beep beep Richie”, he found himself somewhat thankful. He could hardly control what spilled out of his mouth when he was younger. His mom jokes and careless swearing were hardly his fault. He didn’t know how to steer a conversation appropriately. Thus, his speech was unfiltered. His hearing, however, was a completely different story. He had assumed that every rotten thing that was said to him by anyone, apart from his bullies, was out of love. When it was coming from his friends, most of the time, it was. However, when it came from his parents, this was not the case. Richie wanted so badly to joke around with his parents about how they were all fuck-ups and hated each other and were wastes of space, only, he never said anything of the sort to his parents. In his mind, his relationship with his parents was complicated. They routinely shouted sarcastic remarks at each other, with the intent being clear, to say ‘I love you’. In reality, the family dynamic was quite simple. Richie’s parents were neglectful and downright verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive. Richie figured that out when he was around eleven, and it didn’t bother him anymore. After all, at seventeen years old, he had much more independence as far as thinking goes. He planned to move out in a year or so, maybe to a small apartment with Bev or Bill. Eddie wasn’t in consideration because he had moved from Derry when he was fifteen, to a small, southern town that Richie couldn’t remember the name of. Richie didn’t even care to remember what state Eddie was in, for that matter. He was just too far, it was like he was no longer real.

Richie shook his head and remembered what he was doing. He dialed the number to Eddie’s house in Wherevertown, delighted when a small voice answered.

“Hello?” asked Eddie. Richie was overjoyed to hear his friend’s voice again. He hadn’t called Eddie in almost a week, which must’ve been some sort of record for him.

“Eddie Spaghetti!” he practically sang, “How’re you on this fine Tuesday evening?” Making small talk wasn’t exactly Richie’s style, and Eddie knew it.

“What do you want?” Eddie’s tone was suddenly one of disgust. Richie smiled.

“Now, now, Eds, can’t a guy call his best friend without wanting something from him?” he mewed. This is the longest they had stayed on the phone in ages. Eddie usually hung up when he found out the person on the other side was Richie, but this time he hadn’t. Richie cherished the moment while he could.

“Richie, I don’t have time for this, I was just about to call Bill anyway.” Richie felt a pang of jealousy in his chest. Eddie didn’t want to stay on the phone for more than thirty seconds with him, yet he would willingly call Bill, just to have a friendly conversation? What bullshit.

“Why Bill? I think I’m much better company than him.” Of course Richie didn’t mean it, he adored Bill, but he deserved time with Eddie more.

“Yeah, you think. I really have to go, it’s important.”

“Just tell me and I can tell Bill.”

“Fat chance, Trashmouth.” The nickname rang in Richie’s ears. Eddie hadn’t used a nickname like that in years.

“C’mon, Eds, tell me what’s up.”

“Don’t call me Eds,” and before Richie could reply, Eddie started talking again, “I was gonna ask Bill if I could stay with him this weekend, I wanna come up to Derry and see the leaves change for fall.” Richie’s heart skipped a beat.

“You can stay with me.” he suggested.

“Yeah right.” Suddenly, an idea hit Richie. He had kept Eddie talking this long, who’s to say he couldn’t try his luck for one night?

“I’m serious, Eds. I’ll come get you and we can drive back up together, watching the leaves change in all kinds of different towns.” The line was silent for a moment, and Richie sighed. “You can call Bill now.”

“No, I guess I don’t have to now.” Richie’s eyes widened. He was only half serious in making the suggestion, as he believed Eddie would be repulsed at the idea.

“Are you serious, Eds? You wanna do that?”

“Wait, now you’re backing out?”

“Duh, of course not. I just need to figure out shit now, but don’t worry, I got this,” he paused, “How’re you gonna convince your mom to let you do this?”

“Don’t worry about that,” Eddie replied, “I thought of that already. Anyway, I’m only going along with this because I want a free ride to Derry. Don’t forget that.” Richie chuckled.

“I would never.”

The next morning, Richie had booked the flight (he found out what Wherevertown was) and rental car. Thirty-six hours of driving with Eddie seemed like a dream to him, and yet, here he was.

“Just thirty-six hours,” Eddie had said, “We’re not gonna make this into a week long thing, okay?” He knew Richie too well. The boy was already planning ways to make the road trip longer. Perhaps when they stopped, they could spend a few days at bed & breakfasts or something of the sort. Eddie had always been the sight-seeing type, after all. Richie smiled to himself. Maybe bed & breakfasts weren’t quite realistic goals, but Richie would settle for a cheap motel as long as Eddie was by his side.

Eddie’s fall break was just around the corner, which is why he decided to take this silly trip in the first place. His mother had been convinced that he was going to Maine in order to look at a college campus, and the only reason she was letting her son view a college so far away from her was because she planned to relocate close to wherever he went to school. Eddie’s relationship with his mother hadn’t improved a bit since moving. She still insisted that he had some bullshit sickness, paid for bullshit prescriptions, and hardly let him out for the same bullshit reasons. Frankly, he was happy to be getting away from her for an entire week in the fall. The price, of course, being three whole days with no one but Richie, but it wasn’t all that bad, he supposed. After all, he didn’t absolutely have to visit his hometown, he could stay with his mother. He decided that was a worse fate than being stuck in a shitty rental car with Richie for three days, so he chose the lesser of the two evils.

As Richie settled in for bed that night, he looked out his window and watched the stars. He smiled for the millionth time in the past hour, knowing that the following morning he would be on a flight straight to Eddie. He counted some stars and sipped his warm milk, taking a deep, cool breath and enjoying the quiet moment.

The flight was long and boring, mostly consisting of Richie staring out the window or playing with the rips in his jeans. He bought some cheap candy at a gift shop in the airport and took his rental car to Eddie’s house. As he walked up the creaky steps to his friend’s home, he smiled. A quick ring of the doorbell and the small, clean-cut boy was in front of him.

“Eddie Spaghetti!” Richie exclaimed as he wrapped his arms around Eddie, “How have you been?” At first, Eddie’s expression was one of antipathy, but it softened when he looked Richie in the eyes.

“Don’t call me that, I hate it,” he started, “I’ve been just great. Now can we get this show on the road?” Richie’s smile never faded as he presented a bag of caramel hard candies to Eddie.

“Not so fast, Eds,” said Richie, “I got these for you.” The statement was simple enough, yet it made Eddie’s heart skip a beat. Richie had literally spent hundreds of dollars on a flight and rental car all for Eddie, yet it was a small bag of candy that ignited something within him.

a/n: hi so this is my first reddie fic ever and also my first time posting my writing on tumblr (with my name on it) so p l z give me feedback i;m literally beggin u

also sidenote ive read this like a million times but i have no beta so there could be lots of mistake fORGIVE me ??

#reddie #richie #eddie #it #it 2017 #reddie fanfiction #fanfiction #me????? shakin as i post this? ????#it's more likely than you think #my things #fics #reddie fics

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scummy-writes · 7 years

Text

Thoughts on the V Route! (Spoilers)

Full on disclaimer: This is purely my opinion on the route, and in no way am I trying to force my opinions onto anyone, or am I expecting people to agree fully. We all have different opinions and that's okay! Please don't harass me over any opinion stated in this, as I'm just sharing this for people who are interested and my intention is that and that only. Thanks! 💕

So, starting off, I cannot say I didn’t have a fun time with this route. I mean throughout the whole game, I was so excited for every chat, even if it dealt with characters I didn’t enjoy at all (Which was mainly just Rika, to be honest.)

I’m not going to lie though, while I like V, there were some things I was kind of disappointed in, but since V isn’t one of my super favorites, I don’t think it’s appropriate to say that the route is terrible because of some of the things I didn’t personally like.

But...I wanna open this up with more than just complaints!

I do wanna talk about what I enjoyed!

So seeing all of the characters before the canon main story was very fun! It was neat seeing how different they were two-ish years back. Jumin seemed to remain the same out of all of them (Still confused about the world outside of what he’s experienced, still a lovable dork in my opinion, still pretty level-headed and trying his best to joke).

Jaehee, through the whole route, seemed a lot more blunt than usual, and after I was secured on V’s route (aka getting to day 5 with no problem), I was very happy that I could throw a lot of hearts to her without an issue, haha! I missed being able to be sweet to her, and the cute (and tired) selfie we got was great!

Yoosung was very….Salty. Very much so, and there were times where, at first, it was a little annoying. Right off the bat he starts trying to convince you V is shady, and I can’t really blame him due to it being set just six months after Rika’s ‘death’, and how he was there with the interview with V and the police- That would make me a little suspicious as well….But, like usual, he kinda...blew up about it at first, but I got used to it, especially later on once he learns about what Rika had been doing and starts freaking out (along with all of the other members). I really Can’t blame him for that orz poor sweetie ;;; I think that would be such a huge shock knowing a close family member did such things. I’m glad he was able to get help, but also as the route went on, I felt so bad that he apparently never got therapy when he first learned about Rika’s ‘death’. :( And it was also sad when Jaehee seemed to recommend it from possible personal experience. I mean I’m glad she was able to get help, but hhhhh my babies ;;;; The fact that he apparently turned to drinking a lot when Rika ‘died’, and later on in the route, h u r t s orz

And contrary to popular belief, while Zen isn’t my favorite, I did have a fun time with him in this route except for when he was an asshole in situations that it wasn’t necessary. V getting hurt and needing a doctor is an example, and I thought it was uncalled for when Zen chose that time, of all times, to nag at Jumin for wanting to bring in his personal doctor. Another time is calling Yoosung a ten year old when Yoosung started to text MC during a big mental breakdown moment of his- Finding out this stuff with Rika. But...Besides that? He was pretty fucking funny. The whole thing about his computer was great, and I really did appreciate him helping Yoosung out, and showing more what their friendship is like. My only other issue was that, at first, there weren’t many options with him that I could choose that weren’t either A- Relentless flirting, or B- being a complete ass to him. Later on this got better though! I really like it when he’s not trying to flirt with you a lot.

Seven……..Was fucking great LOL. Lately I’ve been liking him more as a character! At first I was just kinda ‘meh’ with him, or had days where I just didn’t want to think about how he was kinda rude on his own route, but just seeing him in the chatroom was always great. At first he seemed a little...Hesitant? But later on it was just great seeing him interacting with everyone. The car-ride with Jaehee was great, and according to a friend, I apparently missed a very prime opportunity to call and hear him impersonate Jaehee LOL. I felt extremely bad for him later on, but...I’ll get to that later >>. Regardless, I enjoyed his goofiness and interactions! I especially loved when him and Vanderwood were able to interact. I honestly didn’t think Vanderwood would be in this, but it was great seeing him! (And realizing he wants to go by ‘Stark’ instead LMFAO). When Vanderwood took Seven’s phone and chatted with you- I can say I think that was one of my favorite chatrooms in the game. I laughed so much and just had a fun time talking to him!

For V...

While I highly enjoyed each chat, a lot of phone calls, and some of the scenarios we were presented with, I have to say overall that this route sorta lowered my opinion of V ;;; There were many moments I enjoyed, don’t get me wrong! I loved finally getting to talk to him on the phone, how kind he was with the player, and just seeing how V really acts. In the main route, we never got to see him much...So every chatroom with him and Jumin were great, and I loved being able to learn more about his past (and good god I love his mom a lot? I wasn’t expecting that ajfbsdbhf). I Also loved the chat with V and Zen, talking about when Zen got into that motorcycle accident? It was nice hearing that Zen didn’t really seem super bothered (??) about the fact that V was...stalking him. It was weird, but I suppose it’s because it led to Zen still being alive to this day ajkbfsh

There were a lot of moments in the game that I loved, and so I was really hyped for what his route was going to bring! I was hoping my worries were going to be answered, but it started going downhill quickly for me when he straight up lied to Seven about Saeran being the hacker. Like, I was all “Okay, well… Maybe it’s because adding even more stress into a stressful situation isn’t ideal right now…?” But...It just rubbed me the wrong way, and as the plot progressed and Saeran killed himself- It’s never shown with V telling Seven about who the hacker really was?? He got away with never giving Saeran a chance to be saved from that horrible situation, which could have been solved if he just told Seven. Hell ;;; I wouldn’t even have minded if V told Seven, and the outcome was still the same. It would mean he was at least trying to help Saeran.

Because of that, and because of how much I love Saeran, that...Really made me not like V as much anymore. I could handle him wanting to hide things from the RFA members- He’s a victim of abuse, he wouldn’t want to hurt them especially when it came into terms of how horrible Rika had turned out to be. But he had several chances to tell Seven about Saeran, even if it was just “The hacker is Saeran-” Because Seven would have damned well tried to rush into Mint Eye a lot sooner than Saeran had a chance to kill himself. I...Can’t really think of any ways to forgive him for that. That’s a huge mistake to make, and where it led just makes it harder to say I like V after this.

I think I still prefer a V that is outside of this route, and based off of stories and fics I read before this route ;;;

Since we’re on the topic of Saeran, I cannot express enough how much I love him waaaah ;;; The whole Ray/Saeran bit gets me confused. I can’t tell if ‘Ray’ is how he really acts (which doesn’t make a lot of sense), if he has BPD (Which I guess is plausible but I don’t know anything about the disorder to be okay with saying he has that), or if the possible multiple personality is a side effect of the elixir? I honestly cannot tell. I know that probably makes me look insanely stupid, but BPD is something I’ve never looked into, and the few times I’ve seen it portrayed in various media, there’s always been a huge fuss over how its portrayed wrongly (like a lot of other mental health issues are).

Besides that, I loved every interaction with Saeran/Ray ;;;; I loved the calls, the messages, and it was always so difficult trying to purposely be mean to him. Orz Saeran is a heavy bias for me, so I loved all the content we got with him in this route. Him liking plants, researching flower meanings, the small details about everything he went through as a child (besides it being vague), the fuckcing emojis… I l ov ed. When day 10 happened, I died so much inside. I’m almost tempted to try writing a few fics (that are not….smut) dealing with Saeran and those moments. My fucking heart hurts too much ;;;;

I could gush about him for a while, so I’m going to take a hard lean to move onto trying to talk about my thoughts with the plot now, and then try to wrap this up! I’ve been trying to write this out for the past few days and failing miserably due to work.

I fully went into this game expecting this to be an AU (I mean...it is, right?), that a lot of the new details we learn about the characters are still canon, but it’s an AU because this wasn’t how they originally wanted the game to play out. (Does this make sense?) So, Zen having an old computer and being a doof when it comes to technology, Yoosung never getting therapy and drinking to deal with his feelings of Rika’s death, Jumin…………….being the same showing more interest in the supernatural, Jaehee being fully trusted as being the head of an intelligence unit- etc etc, all of that can be taken as canon!….Right?

(T_T I’ve never tried explaining it, but I’m sure you guys understand what I mean by that!)

Anyway, keeping that in mind and how this is nearly two years before we meet the gang in a more mature-er state (cough Yoosung cough), it was fun finding out more details about the characters that I didn’t expect, or having personal/friend HC’s confirmed!

Besides learning about the characters, we did get to learn more about Mint Eye, which I was thankful for. It was nice seeing how it worked, that they DID have a cleansing process (but apparently only needed to use it twice within the first six months?), what sort of ranking Saeran had, and how Rika was regarded. It seemed pretty big at six months, and I think Rika herself says that it’s been since months since they’ve moved into the building, so it does sort of raise questions again, such as was she getting people into her cult for a while before her ‘death’, the funds she got for it (I’m guessing possibly V’s money? Her parents, adopted or not, didn’t seem to care much about her at all), and so on. Also, since it seemed like there were so many members after the first few months, it’s scary thinking about how big it got after two years.

And god, did we learn so much about Rika. On one hand, it’s nice seeing more of her backstory, her (delusional) reasoning for making a cult and brainwashing a child and many other adults. I really wanted answers, even if it was through some unpleasantness with Rika herself, and I got some of mine answered. I was thankful we could say no to her, as a lot of her actions and some of her excuses for her behavior reminded me of two very horrible people in my life, and it tremendously hurt seeing how much she had Saeran wrapped around her finger. I’ve heard some rumors about what the bad ends are (please don’t tell me!) and if they are true, it means there’s a chance a few sad hcs I had aren’t too far from the reality of the game. Which...Doesn’t make me a happy camper orz But regardless, their relationship worried me a lot, even if we knew he was really ready to do anything for her. Just seeing it just- shudder.

I also actually enjoyed the game showing that mindless devotion towards a partner doesn’t really solve...Everything. I don’t see that often! It was nice, especially since it was showing how they both messed up in the relationship (very much one messed up a shitton more than the other, with stabbing and dropping treatment, b ut it was nice seeing it nonetheless).

With the plot, even if it could be seen as cheesy or generic, the only time I really felt it was strange was in V’s endings. The Normal ending was didn’t wrap up a lot of things, which you would expect from just a small ending (it was cute, though!!), but the Good ending didn’t really answer my more pressing questions that I had, and the one thing I was annoyingly upset about didn’t get resolved at all, so that kind of bummed me out. I think if you’re a huge fan of V, though, the ending would be good for you! Just the way the wrapped up the route was weird, but since the afterend isn’t out, there’s still a chance of some of my questions being answered in that department!

I’m trying to think of some things that really struck a negative cord in me, but besides what I’ve said, I’ve still really enjoyed this route. I’m upset about Saeran, of course, since he was a bigger fave than V for me, but... It’s not unusual for cults to have members commit suicide. I was moreso expecting a mass suicide, instead of Saeran having to blow up the building and just letting himself die in there rather than escaping like the plan seemed to have been, but...Saeran didn’t have anyone. He didn’t have us, Rika had left and was obsessing more obviously over V, and Mint Eye was in shambles and he was told to blow it up to get rid of the evidence surrounding it. I just really wish V told Seven. c h r i s t.

Regardless, I did enjoy this route. I can’t wait to worm my way through the bad ends, replay it for things I possibly missed before, and to hopefully crank out a few fics for it! Haha, I already have one in my drafts! I wish I could think of some more things to say, but off the top of my head these are just my general thoughts on the route!

Please keep in mind: This is purely my opinion on the route, and in no way am I trying to force my opinions onto anyone, or am I expecting people to agree fully. We all have different opinions and that's okay! Please don't harass me over any opinion stated in this, as I'm just sharing this for people who are interested and my intention is that and that only. Thanks! 💕

#scum talks #new route spoilers

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sage-nebula · 7 years

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(if you don't mind me sending a second one) top ten fma characters?

Of course I don’t! This one is going to be hard, though, because there are so many fantastic characters that I feel it’s inevitable I’m going to end up forgetting someone.

Roy Mustang --- Roy didn’t used to be my favorite character way back in middle / high school when I was first introduced to FMA (through the 2003 series), and even then, he wasn’t my favorite character when Brotherhood first aired in 2009, or even on multiple re-watches. Instead, he is a character who has steadily grown to be my fave with each new re-watch. I swear to god, every time I revisit this series I love him more, and more, and more, and now he’s undoubtedly my favorite. I love Colonel Badass. More than that, I love how he’s Colonel Dad even as he tries to argue it and claim, without anyone suggesting otherwise, that he’s not Fullmetal’s father, ffs. (Yes you are, Roy. You’re one of his dads. Just accept it.) I love . . . so much about Roy. I love how clever and intelligent he is, that he recognizes the machinations of the government and how he plays his pieces correctly in order to advance up the ladder, but how he does that specifically so that he can a.) protect the people most important to him (and did you notice? In the Japanese version, he uses the exact same language Alan does when saying he wants to protect his most important people! Taisetsu mono!), and b.) protect everyone in Amestris by sitting at the very top as Fuhrer President (which is exactly why I think Alan would make an excellent Champion---he can protect everyone in Kalos that way, that’s literally the Champion’s job, but that’s a meta for another time). Roy also wants to atone for everything he did during the Ishbal extermination---he wants himself and all other state alchemists held accountable for their war crimes, but only after they help with Ishbal’s restoration, which I think is just incredibly admirable. Like, it’s not just that Roy feels guilty and feels he’s deserving of punishment. He knows that the lives lost can never be restored, knows that the destruction can never be undone, but he still wants to help restore Ishbal to a land of prosperity first, so it’s not just that he’s punishing himself (and others), but that he’s actively giving back to Ishbal instead of just leaving them destitute. Like, goddamn. That is the right fucking reaction to what happened.Additionally, Roy is so good about keeping his cards close to his chest, about not showing how he feels most of the time, but the truth is that he cares so fucking much. He’s obviously in love with Riza. His team means everything to him (he’s fucking crushed when Havoc is paralyzed, crushed), he cares about the Elric boys, he cares about---just about everyone. Roy keeps up an unaffected exterior most of the time because he has to, but the truth is that these things cut him pretty deeply and they do keep him up at night. There’s so much to him and so much within him and goddamn I love the fucking Flame Alchemist. He’s definitely my fave. I adore him.(Also, not for nothing, but PokéAni actually paid him a homage, using Alan, no less. Feast your eyes. There’s no way using that very specific number wasn’t intentional. None.)

Edward Elric --- Ed was always my favorite in the past, and to be honest I still relate to him a lot and still love him dearly, so he’s just #2 now. (Sorry, Ed . . . but in the Flame vs. Fullmetal battle of my heart, you lose.) Aside from also being quite short (though he inevitably surpassed me in height, damn him), I used to be sensitive about it in childhood. Whereas I’m comfortable with the fact that I’m tiny now, I used to have quite a temper about it as a kid . . . so in that sense, honestly, I found him to be quite relatable!Aside from that, though, he’s yet another Determinator. He’s a hothead sometimes, but he has a heart of gold, and he’s a very protective big brother. These are all traits I find very attractive in characters. On top of which, although I feel like in many ways Ed would nearly be a Hat Stall between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, in the end I feel like the Hat would either put him in Gryffindor, or he’d choose to be there, but Ravenclaw would be a very close secondary---and that’s something I relate to, because I am a Gryffindor, but Ravenclaw is my secondary. (Or to use the Ilvermony Houses, I’m a Gryffindor at Hogwarts and Horned Serpent at Ilvermorny---a Serpendor, if you will. I feel that Ed is very much the same way.) We have similar ways of looking at and doing things, to the point where Ed is certainly one of those characters that I point to when people want to get to know me through fictional characters. I’ll always love the Fullmetal Alchemist. Even if he’s not technically an alchemist anymore, he’ll always be the alchemist in my soul. Even if he’s #2 now, I’ll always cherish him. ♥

Izumi Curtis --- MAMA IZUMI GETS SHIT DONE. I loooove Izumi, so very much. I love her not only because she’s a badass housewife / alchemist who strikes fear into the hearts of all who meet her---who easily tosses Sloth across the room even though Sloth was giving both Olivier and Alex trouble---but also because she has a heart of gold and is allowed to have her moments of vulnerability without that diminishing how badass she is. Izumi is allowed to be a grieving mother who lost her only biological child, she’s allowed to be there for her surrogate sons Ed and Al, she’s allowed to show moments of grief and pain without at all losing how incredible she is. Every moment that she goes Mama Boy over the boys is pure gold and just---every moment she has is pure gold, including when she sends Bradley packing. Izumi is amazing. I love her.

Riza Hawkeye --- I also really, really cherish Riza! What I love most about Riza is that I feel like, in a lesser shounen manga, her love for Roy would have been her motivation for enlisting in the military and swearing to follow him “into Hell, if necessary.” But that’s not the case here. Riza is in love with Roy, but her motivation for doing what she does is because she believes in his vision for their country, not because she loves him. This is why she is capable of shooting him (killing him) if necessary, if it seems as if he’s no longer going to be able to fulfill his promise and will instead actively work against it. Yes, it would break her heart to do so. It’s very obvious how much pulling the trigger would break her, but she can and will do it because what she swore to was his vision for Amestris. She won’t let anything, even her feelings for him, blind her to that. Riza lived through having an abusive father, survived the Ishbal Extermination, and has gone through so much more. She’s so strong, not only because she stays stoic in the face of most things, but because she continues to fight even though we see on numerous instances how much all of this has gotten to her. Her relationship with Roy is by far my favorite ship in the series (for so many reasons), but overall the reason why I love Riza so much is because of who she is shown to be outside of him. She’s compassionate, brave, wonderful with children, a very good dog mom, and overall just a believable and wonderful character. I love Riza. Riza is so good.

Ling Yao --- THE PRINCE OF MY HEART!! What I love most about Ling is how easily he flips between comedic relief and an actually serious character that shouldn’t be brushed aside. So many of his early scenes are full of shenanigans, but even those that are rife with shenanigans are peppered with moments of seriousness because of how serious Ling is about his duty to Xing. He wants immortality---and he doesn’t want it for himself, but for his people, and that’s not just limited to the Yao clan. Ling is willing to do anything for his people, because he believes that’s what a king should do, even if it means sacrificing his own autonomy to do it. I do think that was a reckless, irresponsible choice, but it is one that paid off in his favor, big time, so hey. Ling is great, though, and his relationship with Ed is amazing, a+++. I definitely love him.

Maes Hughes --- MAAAAES, RIP. I’m pretty sure Maes Hughes is one death that anime fans as a collective will never be over (however much we may make jokes about it sometimes). Particularly since Brotherhood made the mistake of rushing through to the point of divergence in the beginning, it always feels like Hughes died too soon. But the truth is that, no matter what, he did. He was an excellent husband and father, and he was a father not only to Gracia, but also to Winry and the Elrics. He was always, always there to support Roy, and however much Roy might have felt annoyed by the constant long phone calls at times, the fact that Roy is so severely affected by Hughes’ loss so late into the series . . . I mean, he doesn’t get his revenge on Envy until the very end, and when he does? Holy hot fucking damn, he’s downright terrifying. (I mean, I love it, but jesus fucking christ.) But anyway, back to Hughes himself, he was just such a sweet person and his life had such an impact and he just knew too much too soon. He was too smart, he had to be killed off so that the plot wouldn’t be solved too early. I know that, but it still hurts, and Elysia crying at his funeral will still slaughter me every single time, fuck.

Alphonse Elric --- I feel kind of bad for having Al so low on this list, but make no mistake---I do love him! It’s just that I find his scenes / subplots a little less compelling than the characters listed above him. I do think he’s wonderful, though; he’s a complete sweetheart, and though it happens less often than it does with Ed, there are times when Al has a snarky little sassmouth on him as well, and those moments are always delightful. Also, he, too, had to deal with a lot of bullshit over the course of the series. He damn well does deserve his happy ending.

Maria Ross --- Maria is so underappreciated in the fandom, and like---I get that she spends the majority of the series off-screen because she had to go into exile in Xing (since she was framed for Hughes’ murder), but at the same time, she’s so good! She acts like a stern big sis for the Elrics (which they need at times, tbh), and she’s loyal and dedicated and hardworking and smart. I love her relationship with Denny, and I also love how she came back for the final fight, and this was a surprise to Mustang, he didn’t actually make this choice, she just did it and ajsldgjdsagda. Maria is great, I love her.

May Chang --- Honestly, this post (written by someone else) says everything about May that I could ever say and more. I love how well-developed she is, how she’s allowed to be feminine but is still focused on her goals, and how much depth there is to her character. May is absolutely fantastic. Princess of my heart, tbh.

Olivier Mira Armstrong --- And finally, the QUEEN OF THE NORTH HERSELF. While Olivier is obviously a badass who takes shit from absolutely no one, I love that she’s still allowed to be a person outside of that. She’s not vulnerable in the ways that’s expected of her, but at the same time she doesn’t abhor femininity either (and in fact, the expectation that she would is what she and Roy take advantage of in order to communicate without arousing suspicion). She cares deeply for her team at Briggs, you can tell she’s deeply affected by Buccaneer’s death, and while she’s frustrated by her brother and doesn’t really respect him, it’s clear that she also cares about him in her own way as well. Yeah, she takes command of the Armstrong family manor, but that’s because she had to in order to sneak the Briggs soldiers in, and she didn’t want to put responsibility on Alex’s shoulders that he wouldn’t be able to handle. (I mean, like, no offense to him---he obviously came through in a big way and she sees that later---but from her perspective, he left the battlefield during Ishbal, so therefore combat and combat pragmatism are not his strong suits, not in a wartime situation. She didn’t want to put him in that position, so she didn’t. She handled it herself. She did so in an abrasive way, yes, but I still think she had compassion for him at heart.) Olivier defies expectations and shatters them into pieces. It’s why the soldiers at Briggs follow her without question. I love her, she’s great.

#top 10 characters meme #long post for ts #tangelomadness

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toastiko · 4 years

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An Update & A Story

Hi guys. I’m finally taking action against my weed dependency. Each day, I’m taking one less hit than the day before. I actually haven’t tried quitting since I went cold turkey, the week before last Christmas. I was only able to stay sober until Christmas day for those wondering. Aside from the one visit to my father in February earlier this year, I’ve smoked every day since Christmas, 2019.

Now I lay here in bed, mostly sober and slightly depressed, wondering, how? How did weed become the top priority in my life?

These thoughts manifested during my sober week before Christmas, but now that I’m laying here, out of weed and sober enough, I can actually put my thoughts into words. Anyway, the main reason I started to abuse marijuana was because of my move from Michigan to Oklahoma (July 1st 2017). But there were a lot of small events that also contributed to the abuse too. The beginning of the abuse started around three years ago, but before we talk about that, you need to know how I was brought up.

This next part is for my friends who I didn’t grow up with. Read it if you want, you won’t make me cry if you don’t.

Parts of the story below may sound like me just bragging. If you take it that way, that’s on you. I’m just trying to be as detailed as possible so people can get a proper understanding of how I was raised.

In 2001, I was adopted at birth in Jackson, Mississippi. (I’ve always grown up knowing that I was adopted and some people think it’s a really touchy subject for me even though I couldn’t care less. In fact, I used to joke about it before my sense of humor vanished ) I was born with my feet completely backwards, or in other words, I had severe clubbed feet. At the age of 2, I had surgery and spent a year in walking casts. During that time, my parents and I in lived in a mansion until 2005, when hurricane Katrina came and shreked everything. So we moved to Oklahoma and lived in a low class barn for around 8 months. In 2007, my dad got a job offer in Lansing, Michigan, and that’s really when my life ‘started’.

The first memory I have of Michigan is driving down our beautiful dead end street with my eyes glued to the falling snow which I had never seen before. We lived in a three story house with a front yard the size of a soccer field and a backyard half the size of a soccer field, with a lake right behind it. Yeah, I had it good, but I didn’t even realize at the time because it was normal to for us to live in big houses. Now the two houses next to us had neighbors with kids my age. JC was one of these kids. The kid was huge - not fat, but well built. He was a French Canadian American who had lived there since birth. If I met him today for the first time, I don’t think we’d be friends, but JC, though he was the same age as me, felt like an older brother. He was disciplined (mostly), goofy, and a little arrogant at times, but we always had a good time when we got together. So most days after school, instead of hanging out with my best friend who lived far, far, down the road, I hung out with JC, and that’s what my life was like after school almost every day until he moved in 2014 (2015? I don’t know)

Now let me tell you about my parents. My dad is an American Armenian who was told by his parents as a child that he was going to grow up to be a heart surgeon, so that’s what he did. He’s disciplined, hardworking, wise - he’s pretty much the smartest person I know. But growing up, I despised him. He lacked empathy and could be extremely insensitive at times. But when things would go bad for me, he always knew exactly what to say and he knew how to get his point across. But I hated him while living in Michigan because I was obsessed with ONLY having fun and playing video games with my friends and he abhorred video games. He would guilt trip me when he’d walk into my room and find me playing something. One time, he even took away my xbox 360 after I failed a test, and said he’d give it back after a week. I never got it back. Despite the negatives, he taught me to not let my emotions get the best of me, he taught me how to remain calm, how to be humble, and so much more.

My mom, on the other hand is the COMPLETE opposite of my dad. She’s outgoing, sensitive, gullible, and unlike my dad, she could befriend ANYONE she meet. When she passes homeless people, she ALWAYS gives them money out of sympathy. To make it clear how nice she is, if you sat Hitler down with her for some tea, Hitler would leave with his mustache shaved, and with a big, teeth grinning smile. She can make anyone like her. My mom spoiled me beyond senseless. She’d end my punishments early, she’d buy junkfood that the neighbors would eat up the next day, and she would buy me whatever I wanted under $200 and then say “Just don’t tell your father!” Even most of my friends at one point said, “Why can’t your mom be my mom?” However, my mom liked and still likes to live in a world where her feelings come before facts. She tends to get ripped off or scammed a lot when she bought stuff online or in person. Not to mention she sometimes follows the crowd instead of thinking critically. Ignoring her flaws, my mother taught me empathy, compassion, and love.

So having parents that were polar opposites from each other really balanced me out as a kid. I was (and still am) a shy boy, but I was quick to open up to whoever I trusted. Unless I was fighting with my parents, I rarely let my emotions control me. I’d be humble and respectful in public and or at school, and then I’d be my immature, batshit crazy and edgy self with my friends.

My school life was okay. In 1st grade, I met my best friend, Christian.

2nd grade I had surgery on my feet again and missed 6th months of school. When third grade came, my dad convinced my mom to hold me back a grade since I missed so much and they switched me over to a private school. I cried and begged them to keep me in the same grade but the answer was ‘nope’. Today, I’m glad they held me back.

Life at the private school, STM, was vastly different than the public school I’d been going to. My grade had about 20 kids and I was the oldest there. All the boys were little jocks. Obsessed with sports. I played soccer and baseball a year before but sports wasn’t really my thing. The boys were nice to me though and I became friends with them, though I barely had anything in common with them. So I turned to the girls. I befriended most of the girls, and even sat at their side of the table at lunch everyday. I had a huge crush on a girl named Casey, and funnily enough, so did all the other boys. So I spent 2nd and 3rd grade trying to slide into Casey’s DM’s and by the end of the third grade, I was in. Well, I mean, we were extremely close. I went to her house, she went to mine, and I was a happy boy. So far, life was going well.

4th grade came and I was scared. Rumor had it that the 4th grade teacher was a mean bitch, and half of my other classmates had switched schools, leaving 9 kids in the class. So I convinced my parents to pull me out and move me to a bigger private school. STA.

This is where shit went down. I went to STA from grade 4 to grade 8. One day, in 5th grade, when we were all edgy, horny boys who had sex ed coming up in a week , eight of us went outside and I recorded a video of one of my friends, goofily explaining how to have sex in five steps. I uploaded the video to Youtube in 2013 titled, ‘Nick’s 5 special steps.’

Two days pass, and I’m sitting in my homeroom with the eight other boys and suddenly two of the school’s priests come in. I remember one thing Fr. A said that day. He made eye contact with every boy in the room besides me, and said,

“I hope to see you all in reconciliation because you all have a lot to atone for.”

I thought this was funny because I was Lutheran and didn’t do reconciliation.

In a smart move, my dad made me delete my first youtube channel, epickarek, in fear that the school would file a lawsuit since the video showed minor’s faces.

After that incident, life was pretty normal and uneventful up until 8th grade. In February, 2016, I was expelled. My friends at STA abhorred me. Those who were my friends a mere two days ago started sending me death threats.

I started going to therapy and went to the public middle school in my area. Switching to that school was one of the best changes in my life. I made sure to tell no one about why I switched schools and within a few days, I had friends in every class. Not close friends, but friends that you could sit down at lunch and have a chat with.

I started hearing the rumors during my second week there. One day, in math class, the girl in front of me, Savannah, turned around and asked out of nowhere, “Did you kill someone? I heard you did.” The classroom was tiny and there were about 8 people in the class so everyone heard, including the teacher, and they turned toward me, waiting for an answer. Instantly, I faintly laughed and said something along the lines of “I wouldn’t be sitting here if I did.” Everyone laughed and the class continued. The next day, it seemed like all 200 kids in my grade were focused on me. People constantly approached me, asking crazy questions and telling me the absurd rumors they heard.

“I heard you stabbed someone.”

“Did you stab yourself?”

“What’s juvie like?”

“My friend at your old school says not to trust you. What did you do?”

The rumors drew more people to me, and ironically, I befriended most of those people once they saw that I wasn’t a psychopath.

When the summer of 2016, came, I had my first serious girlfriend. Despite my parents being on the verge of a divorce, my life was at it’s peak. I had a girlfriend, a best friend, and a whole group of friends who felt like brothers.

The next thing I know, It’s Christmas break and I’m in Oklahoma visiting family and she breaks up with me... for one of my friends. That led me to become super depressed, and angry. Very angry. Most of my friends were there for me. But talking about the breakup openly is the reason why everything went downhill from there. TLDR, My Ex, and myself BOTH overreacted.

I’m not going to tell the whole story online, but If you really want to know, I’ll tell you in person.

Anyway, to shorten a long story, I got a call from my ex’s father saying if I don’t stay away from her, her family will take legal action. So, fearful of court, I respected his demand and stayed away. The next day when I got home from school, I found a FAT stack of papers on the kitchen table labeled, Personal Protection Order, aka a restraining order. I was furious and I stupidly posted to snapchat out of rage, roasting her about it. And within the next week, my family was in court with her’s. The judge, was the same judge who was working my parent’s divorce, (I don’t know why or how that’s allowed) and she did not like my dad, but she especially did not like my mom. Anyway, the PPO said on the front page that I wasn’t allowed to talk about her, ANYWHERE. Online or in person. so that’s why I was there. The judge banned me from the internet for until 2018 and I went home.

Stupidly, I violated the PPO twice after that (The judge then banned me from social media until 2019) and after the third time in court, the judge insulted my mother for how she raised me and I was found guilty, put into a squad car, and SHIPPED.

Like I said, if you want to know more details, just ask me in person. I’m getting pretty good at telling the story.

Fast forward a few weeks and it’s the last day of my freshman year of high school. I’ll never forget that day. I watched the people in my grade throw their hands up, celebrating and rushing out the doors, and I remember just standing there thinking, “I’m never going to see these guys again.”

What’s even worse was the fact that I was going to have to leave my group of around 8-12 friends. And a few prior to the move, my best friend of 8 years ended our friendship because he was upset that I didn’t tell him that I was moving sooner. If that’s how he really felt, I don’t blame him, for I was depressed and acting strange.

My best friend strayed away from our group when he stopped talking to me so I really only had a few select people in my friend group that I could really call friends. Dillion, Josh, Keaton, Brock, (even maybe Preston) although I only spent around a year with them, we had powerful connections with each other. They felt like brothers. So when my mom said she was moving to Oklahoma, I was destroyed. I wasn’t going to let my mom move alone, but I was going to have to leave my support group. It was one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made. I remember the week before we moved, I drove all around Lansing, listening to the Guardians of the Galaxy II playlist and feeling numb.

Then we moved

Within two months of moving to Oklahoma, smoking weed had become a daily habit. I had already been introduced to it by some friends before I moved, so I was familiar with the drug. At first, It diminished my guilt. I didn’t have to think about my friends I left or my old best friend...

I didn’t have to constantly think about the nice cop leading me out of the downtown courthouse into his car in some loose handcuffs.

I didn’t have to think about being in that dark, concrete solitary cell for two days, going crazy thinking that my white, skinny ass was going to juvie for 21 days like the judge said...

I didn’t have to think about the satanic, traumatizing things I did to that person in 8th grade that I still struggle to forgive myself for....

I didn’t have to think about anything if I just smoked my problems and sadness away.

My first three days as a sophomore were miserable. I had already been to 7 different schools (ask me) and I was exhausted with the thought of having to start over with making new friends. So me, already depressed, convinced my mom to let me do online classes at home.

By the summer of 2018, my cousin had introduced me to his group of friends and we all got along pretty well. We smoked everyday until the end of summer. As fall drew near, I was PARANOID. I was two years younger than most of my friends and I thought I was annoying to them and felt like I intruded on their group, so I distanced myself. I stopped snapping the group chat and stopped inviting them over. I pushed them away because I was paranoid. I had never been as paranoid as I was until I started smoking weed.

2019 came and despite it being the end of my internet ban, I was broken. Being high was the new sober. My highs started turning into a buzz and only a buzz. It didn’t make me laugh or smile, it just made me a lazy husk that played video games and watched youtube endlessly.

When the summer of 2019 arrived, my cousin came to spend the summer with me. Now, I don’t want to rant about other people anymore so I’ll just say this. He knew I was broken. It was clear as day; I’d wake up, sit at my desk all day, then go to sleep. Despite my attempts at open conversation, he was never willing to be vulnerable with me, even when Etika died. So when the end of summer came, we were both very condescending and passive aggressive toward one another.

After that summer, I was left still high, insecure, mean, emotionless, and lonely. I didn’t want to contact my Michigan friends because was a little bitch. I was afraid they would see what I’d become and they’d distance themselves from me, so I turned to the internet. I knew that I had fans and friends that waited two years for my return, so I started streaming. All was going well, but despite all of my internet friends, I wasn’t happy. Not knowing the source of my unhappiness, I continued to smoke and stream, slowly ignoring my internet friends over time, and I continued neglecting myself.

Then mid December came. I don’t remember how it happened, but I stopped smoking for a week. It was during that week that I realized what I just typed above. I was emotionless - I hadn’t genuinely laughed in months, I felt pressured to stream. My relationships sucked and were fading day by day, so I stopped smoking.

Christmas soon came and to simply put it, I relapsed. One small hit. That’s all it took. I took one tiny vape hit on Christmas evening and I’ve been smoking everyday since then.

I’ve wrote this not because I want pity, but because I want to help my friends understand me a little better.

To all of my friends, I know I’ve been distant from all of you. Please, just be a little more patient with me, I’m getting there. :)

Anyway... I started writing this mini essay on July 31st and I’ve spent 6 days working on this. I’ve never talked about some of this stuff openly so it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. My final thoughts are in my post that precedes this. Thanks for reading, I love you all, be safe, don’t catch the VID, and remember,

Dicks out for Harambe.

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assholemurphy · 5 years

Text

so, i’m dying.

lol, not rly. except, yeah, kinda.

my gallbladder has finally fucked itself into a coma and only wakes up to force me to projectile vomit myself into oblivion whenever i consume solids. and on occasions, liquids, if it’s rly cranky. that’s my life now.

i have managed to eat 2 hot pockets, some chips, abt 8 jalepeno poppers, and three eggrolls (and keep them down) in the past 2 weeks. all that i’ve been able to keep down has happened in the past 24hrs. i’m not sure how i managed it, tbh, but it wasn’t without a fight. other than that, i have not digested anything but liquids in the past 2 weeks. i cannot think straight, i can barely form words in my head, let alone say them out loud. this is not fun and i don’t like it. it was one thing to choose not to eat (tho, rly, with an ed, it wasn’t exactly a choice, ya feel?) and to choose to purge, but now that i have no choice at all, i’m so fucking pissed off. like, part of me is happy bc i’ve lost 5lbs already, even with being bloated from constant puking, but like, more of me just wants to survive so i can work on my goddamn finals. which are all due this week. and none of them are done. (except the one that was due last week, managed to do that one, luckily).

pretty boy took me to the er on sun night bc i can’t keep anything down and it’s only gotten worse since they released me. we got there right as the docs were changing shifts, so the first doc was rly narcissistic and full of himself and the second he heard me say ‘i’ve got atypical anorexia b/p subtype’ he was like, ‘ah, yes, it’s all in your head, this is your fault’ which even made pb annoyed bc he apparently can tell the difference between what’s currently going on and my (his words, not mine) ‘crash diets’. but he was p sure the doc didn’t like me bc i called my primary doc (who was supposed to get me scheduled for an ultrasound to get this taken care of almost 2 months ago but didn’t bc he didn’t believe me when i said (having opinions from 2 previous docs) i had gallbladder issues, so he ignored it) an idiot for, ya know, ignoring me when i told him something was wrong. but docs are assholes, they don’t like it when you’re right abt something they can’t see themselves. so i’m switching primary docs asap. this guy’s a fucking joke.

(it’s also been almost three weeks since the pharmacy faxed him paperwork abt the insurance company not wanting to pay for my adderall prescript bc i take 3 pills a day and they only wanna pay for 90 in 75 days (yeah, not even 2 pills a day, like this shit doesn’t work for five hours max). he still hasn’t filled it out. it’s fucking finals week and i’ve got maybe 6 pills left. how fucking grand. so that’s gotta be sorted at the same time he gets me a surgeon’s appt.)

so the guy had me pee in a cup and gave me fluids/anti nausea meds (which were nice, helped me keep down a bit of food sun night). then he basically told me ‘it’s just cyclic vomiting, you’ve just got to break the cycle’ but he was leaving so he was going to let the next guy discharge me. thank fucking god, bc otherwise, i’d probably be dead in a couple weeks.

so this next guy is eccentric af, this whole hospital is a circus, it’s fucking great (no sarcasm, i love quirky ppl). he checks out my cup of pee and orders some blood tests (that the other guy didn’t even care to do), then he comes in and talks to me and he’s fucking great, a+ doctoring, love this guy, sadly, he doesn’t have a private practice, but apparently the nurses get asked if he does all the time. how do i know? my mother asked, bc she liked him. i trusted him. i trust no docs, ever. but this one is good. he says there’s def something wrong, def not just my ed, and orders me an ultrasound for the next morning. good, great, getting this show on the road. he understands my concerns abt my primary doc and offers to explain the results of the ultrasound to my mother via phone mon night. so she calls, he tells her i’ve got ‘sludge and wall thickening’ which are Bad(tm) esp in combination with me not being able to eat anything for over a week and a half.

so, now i’ve got to talk to a surgeon and get my gallbladder removed. as i fucking figured i’d need months ago (during the summer, with my pain and stuff). now this vomiting thing has been happening at least once a semester for abt 2 years now. no one has known what is wrong. ‘it’s acid reflux, take these pills’ ‘these pills don’t work’ ‘welp, idk ^.^’ and so forth for 2. fucking. years. now i’ve got confirmation that my gallbladder is bad. like ‘could explode and kill me’ bad. this is great, i can finally get something done abt this.

except.

except it’s finals week and no only am i running v low on adderall (i just took a pill for the first time since fri morning just a few hours ago) and i’m now fatigued and unable to eat with 4 projects left to do. all of which require a fuckton of concentration. concentration i just don’t have even with the adderall bc i haven’t actually eaten much food lately and can’t fucking think at all. like, every time i eat, it comes right back up.

so, i’ve been sleeping a lot. great, right? except for ya know, all the work i’ve got? nope. i can’t sleep for longer than 4 hours without having night terrors. like BAD ones. i’d tell you abt the one i had when i slept last (from 5:30p to 8:30p) but it would require a whole host of trigger warnings just to give a summary. but it fucked me up badly. and they’ve been getting progressively worse. i dreamed my dog died. i dreamed my apartment was possessed and the demon was trying to kill me. i’ve dreamed of animal abuse and murder and even worse things that leave me fucking shaking when i wake up. but i’m so tired that i keep falling asleep anyway, no matter how scared i am. and i stay asleep, until my alarm goes off, then i shut it off and fall asleep again (into a different night terror). there is no stopping this. my body is dying and it’s telling my brain i’m in danger so my brain is trying to scare me. it’s working. i’m well aware i’m in danger but there’s nothing i can do until my mom sets up a surgeon’s appt for me. i’ve got to remind her to do that tomorrow. i’d do it myself, but i’m far to fucking out of it currently to talk to a medical professional in any capacity.

but throughout all of this, i’m falling further and further behind on my final projects. i’ve got a 10min play analysis due tomorrow at 10:30a (which i’ve got to work on tonight). then i’ve got to finish my stagecraft project (which requires that i go to the shop 3 more times so i’ve got to do that at like 11a tomorrow, then 12p thurs, then like 7p thurs, but i’ve got to find a shop employee to go with me, apparently, and i’d take goldilocks, but she obvs doesn’t want to do it, so i might ask pb or mary, if i have to). then i’ve got to do my monologue assignments for acting i (i’ve got one almost fully memorized, i just need to refresh, but i’ve got to memorize another one, read the play it’s from (i’ve got to buy the ebook), and do an analysis over it before thurs at 10:30a). then my intro to theatre final is due last, but it’s p big and i’ve got to do a lot for it. like 7pg paper plus a ‘previous action’ script (i’ve got to write up a script showing what happened before the play itself starts). i’ve got a SHITTON of work to do and only 9 hours for the sa final, then 24 hrs for the acting i final, then 26 hrs for the itt final, and somehow i’ve got to find at least 3 hours for my sc final. all while trying to get sleep and not eating anything.

plus i’ve still got to do some loan stuff with finaid this week.

i emailed my profs telling them what’s going on, but they’re not going to accept any late finals, so idk why i bothered. (i haven’t heard back bc i just emailed them like, an hour ago and it’s 1a). i CANNOT fuck up this semester bc i won’t get finaid anymore if i do and i can’t drop out. so like, i’ve got to get everything together, but i’m just so fucking sick and everything is overwhelming. i’m going to do my damnedest to get everything done, but idk if i’ll be able to. i rly don’t know.

i’m so fucking stressed over this shit, which is only making my gallbladder issues worse, so it’s a losing battle all around and i’m drowning. honestly, if i had the money, i’d pay for someone to do this for me, but i can’t and i wouldn’t anyway bc like, i’m not putting my name on anything i didn’t do myself out of some bullshit pride thing i’ve got going on. my pride’s gonna get me killed one day, i just know it.

but, tonight, i’m gonna work on my script analysis final and pray to god i can get it done in time. i’ve got like 2 hours left on my adderall, maybe 3 if i push it. i need to make a plan of attack for everything and get to work.

i’m not going to fail this semester if it fucking kills me. and it actually might.

#text #iz says stuff #ed mention #puke tw #illness mention #food mention #i'm gonna go smoke and then start making a plan so that i can sleep (probs 4 hours at a time)#get my work done and stretch my adderall as far as i can #i've also got to get my mother to come up here soon to pay for my other meds #bc i don't have much of them left #like maybe 6 pills #which is 30hours of focus #not a lot at all #i can try to balance it with extra sudafed and monster #but i've only got 5 monsters left #well 5 1/2 lol #i can do this #i've pulled thru worse #but it's not gonna be fun getting this all done #if i had my adderall refilled i wouldn't be in such bad shape #but i don't so here i am #god hates me i'm p sure #he's trying to kick my ass in every possible way he can #and i'm not gonna stand for it #i'm too proud and too stubborn to fail #but i am also too sick to be half as stubborn as i need to be #iz goes to college

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