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#and also.. wanda & jade beloveds
sunshineandviolets · 5 months
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Looks like she stepped out of a historical novel, but she's just a lesbian
Cerise Monroe (she/her)
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bigskydreaming · 1 year
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For no particular reason (okay I was musing on the Bobby Drake & Kyle Rayner parallels again) I’ve been going through my head thinking of other Marvel & DC characters who could make for interesting team-ups due to parallels and common ground.
Dick Grayson and Kate Pryde - perfectionist child prodigies constantly struggling against burn out due to how long they’ve been embedded in the superhero life, weighed down by the expectations of others, and pushing back against how others perceive them due to their desire to shape themselves according to their own self-perceptions.
Starfire and Monet - complicated (to say the least) family entanglements, supervillain sibling who simultaneously is the cause of some of their greatest trauma but also claims to hate them for what they perceive as harm done to them, often seen as stoic, cryptic and/or aloof due to how they carry themselves, refuse to be shamed for what others describe as overly aggressive or violent tendencies.
Garth and Rictor - elementals with extremely dysfunctional relationships with their surrogate father figures, Arthur & Cable, who they both respect and resent for opportunities and skills they’ve given them as well as the costs they paid in the process, both distinguishing themselves and stepping away/out of their respective mentors’ shadows by delving into the magic traditions that overlap with their base powersets and finding a new and stronger sense of identity in the process.
Joey Wilson and Rogue - both children of supervillains whose upbringing reflects and was greatly impacted by their parents’ ideologies and villain status, who have frequently struggled with their conflicting feelings about their parents, face mistrust from other heroes due to said connections and/or reluctant feelings of attachment to them, both have powers that additionally garner mistrust from even close allies and that they at times resent, as well as both dealing with issues of identity and self-worth that stem from the possessive and/or appropriative nature of their powers.
Currently musing on the parallels between Grant Emerson (Damage) and Tabitha Smith (Boom-Boom), Wanda & Pietro and Jenny-Lynn Hayden (Jade) & Todd Rice (Obsidian), and Raven and Illyana, among others. 
And of course, the duo of beloved faves who sparked all this, Bobby Drake and Kyle Rayner:
Both extremely overpowered and hyper-conscious of this, often falling back on deliberately immature or frat boy-esque behavior in attempts to stay approachable and feel grounded despite their awareness of the almost god-like levels of their power and perspectives. Dreamers and artists whose greater preference is to use their powers to indulge their creativity but who ultimately just have to find ways to use their superheroics as an outlet for said creativity as their focus and commitment to said superheroics consumes most of their lives and they have little time left over for anything else.
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A Doctor Strange 2 Featuring Scarlet Witch Would Be Fucking Amazing: Here’s Why
Hello all!
So I reactivated my Twitter account the other day (you can go follow me there on @brielarsonage) and I came across a post about a potential Scarlet Witch cameo in a Doctor Strange film (pictured below).
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Here are the individual pictures, too:
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And, upon seeing it again AFTER watching Doctor Strange, I really warmed to the idea of Scarlet Witch featuring prominently in the second Doctor Strange film even more. And by that I mean ABSOLUTELY OBSESSING OVER IT!!
But how would Scarlet Witch fit into the Doctor Strange universe? You ask. Well, I was confused at first, too. But I did some research, and I’m ready to start discussing!!
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Okay, so first of all, Kevin Feige has discussed Wanda/Scarlet Witch’s powers at length, and has confirmed that she indeed shares the same power set (maybe it’s a different wording then “power set” I’m not sure) as Doctor Strange, she’s simply untrained.
Here’s a quote:
“Her powers, she’s never had any training, I’m talking about Scarlet Witch. She never had any training; she’s figuring it out. Arguably, you could say that that’s why her powers are much more chaotic and much more loose in the way that we showcased those light effects. In [Doctor Strange], some of what you might see today, even the cover of Entertainment Weekly, it’s much tighter. It’s all about focus. It’s all about pulling energies from other dimensions in an organized and purposeful fashion, which is why they can do a lot more than she can in, at least, a much more precise way.”
So, duh, Doctor Strange could offer to help Scarlet Witch train her and develop her powers further. I see it going down like this:
After everyone has been brought back in Avengers 4 (cause DUH, of course they will), Stephen observes Wanda using her powers and says something douchey like “You’re talented. Untrained, but talented.” BECAUSE OF COURSE STEPHEN WOULD SAY THAT HE’S SUCH A FUCKING PRICK SOMETIMES.
(I say the above with all kinds of love for Dr. Stephen Strange)
So this altercation leads to Wanda and Stephen partnering up at the end of Avengers 4 and going off to train, which could lead right into you guessed it: Doctor Strange 2!
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So Doctor Strange 2 has been confirmed by Kevin Feige while he was promoting Ant-Man and the Wasp. Full quote:
“Sometimes it's where do those characters pop up? [Doctor] Strange, you know, whenever we do another Strange one, which we will do, it will be a number of years from the first Strange, and yet he's a very big part of Avengers: Infinity War. So it is just a good problem to have when you have too many beloved characters that people want to see more of, whilst keeping to our core belief that we need to keep exploring nuance and keep doing different types of things."
But how would Wanda fit in? If my dream interaction between Wanda and Stephen goes down in Avengers 4, would we start right on her training or would there be a time jump and would Wanda already be partners with Stephen?
That all depends on the plot of Strange 2, which could be a number of things. We don’t have many confirmed ideas on what the plot would be, but ideas on whom the main antagonist will be have been floating around. Right now it’s a debate between Mordo and Nightmare. Doctor Strange Director Scott Derrickson said when asked about what bad guy he’d like to bring to the MCU:
“I really like the character of Nightmare and the concept that the Nightmare Realm is a dimension.”
So could it be Nightmare? Would they sideline Mordo? I don’t think so. At the end of Doctor Strange, Mordo says that there are “too many sorcerers,” so maybe he’ll being to start wiping out sorcerer’s one by one, only for Stephen and Wanda to find out and try to stop him.
That would be my preference, but maybe the first half of the film can be Wanda’s training and the second half can be about Wanda and Stephen trying to stop Mordo. That would also appeal to me.
So you’re probably also asking me: “Madeline (or Lena, whichever you refer to me as), what about Vision? Where will he be? Don’t you think he’ll come back?” My dudes, I am a big ScarletVision shipper, I mean they were what drew me into the MCU after declaring MULTIPLE TIMES I would never fall into the MCU trap.
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With that said, I don’t think Vision’s coming back after Infinity War, which breaks my heart, but let’s face it guys, Vision’s time had come. His arc was pretty much done and moving forward he doesn’t serve much of a purpose in the MCU. But this has a silver lining in the way it’ll help develop Wanda’s character.
Yes, yes, the “My love interest died and it’s changed me in a very serious way” is an overused trope, but it fucking works. Plus, Wanda had to kill Vision herself, which takes the trope to a whole new level.
So let’s jump to Avengers 4, Wanda is back but Vision is not. She feels jaded, she doesn’t know what to do. She’s lost so much in this fight. Then, Doctor Strange offers her a place at his side training in the mystic arts.
I think Wanda would take this opportunity because where else does she have to go? Wanda didn’t really have a home outside of the Avengers until Vision, and now Vision’s gone. Why not move on with her life expanding her powers under Doctor Strange’s tutelage?
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Plus, business-wise, this would be a great fucking opportunity for Marvel. Let’s face it, solo films do better when you add in another Avenger or two to compliment the main character.
Stephen’s a real asshole sometimes and Wanda could really balance him out. She could call him out on his bullshit and he could help her overcome her fear of her own powers. Wanda is already so powerful, imagine what how much she could accomplish if properly trained.
And, as much as I HATE to admit it because Wanda has a fucking cool origin story, we’re probably not going to get a solo Scarlet Witch film, so why not feature her in another film? She could be the Black Widow to Stephen’s Steve Rogers.
Elizabeth Olsen is also down for more Marvel films, as seen when she spoke about a potential Scarlet Witch spinoff:
“And it’s like, no, of course I would love the opportunity. It’s not about that. It’s about, is it gonna serve the universe, does it serve their larger story? I felt crazy and I was like, ‘Jesus, no, there’s never been a conversation about doing a spinoff.’ I’m not pushing one. That doesn’t mean I don’t want one.”
I could easily see Scarlet Witch fitting into Doctor Strange’s overall story and arc. Maybe he could learn more about himself and his powers through training her, and she could learn more about herself and her powers through being trained.
There’s also the romance aspect which people will obviously go to if Marvel tries the Scarlet Witch/Doctor Strange dynamic, which I’m going to leave up to you to give your input on below. Honestly, I wouldn’t care. It would be cool to explore. But it depends on whether or not Benedict and Elizabeth have that romantic chemistry. Plus, could we really move on from ScarletVision? :/
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ANYWAYS, those are my thoughts on a potential Scarlet Witch role in future Doctor Strange films. What are your thoughts?! I’m dying to know if there are any others like me who LOVE this concept.**
**Sorry if this is messy, I sat down to write this at 2 A.M. so there could be typos a plenty for all I know.
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Girl Satan Part 13
(Part 13 of Girl Satan. Song is “Heavy In Your Arms” by Florence and the Machine. In universe, it’s by Jade. @blackveilbride-paige)
It was finally the day of the MTV Movie Awards. Pietro was still in the hospital, detoxing after his overdose. Bobbi and Wanda, however, were at the awards. Currently, the two were backstage with The Outworlders. Bobbi watched as Wanda….talked with Clint. The blonde smirked to herself, happy for her friend.
“I know that smirk, that’s your ‘I am totally planning something’ smirk,” Jade said, walking up. Bobbi looked at her ex, her mouth going dry. Jade was dressed in black leather pants, dark blue combat boots, and a top that looked straight out of the Mortal Kombat games. The entire outfit was form fitting and showed off the curves that Bobbi still had memorized, even a year after they broke up.
“You look hot!” Bobbi blurted out before her mind caught up with her mouth. Jade raised an eyebrow at her, “Really?”
“I mean….I didn’t…..Let me take a picture of you….for social media, I mean,” Bobbi said, pulling out her phone. Jade smirked as Bobbi took a few pictures, putting them up on social media.
“But really, Jade. You look good,” Bobbi said honestly, “I’m glad that stupid hair dye is out….I always figured you’d go with a dark blue, not red.” Jade opened her mouth to respond when one of the Award supervisors hurried up.
“You guys are on in one minute,” he said to Jade. Jade nodded and started towards the others. Bobbi followed.
“Hey….Good luck, Princess,”  Bobbi said with a smile, using the old nickname she had for Jade (one that Takeda and Seth had picked up too). Jade looked at Bobbi.
“Thanks,” Jade said, looking like she was holding back from using her old pet-name for Bobbi. Jade headed out on stage while Bobbi went to wait with Wanda and Clint. The opening chords of the song began to play, and Bobbi felt the familiar ache in her chest.
I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around her neck
My fingers laced to crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across ground
And she took me to the river
Where she slowly let me drown
My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall
Bobbi knew what the song was about….Who the song was about. It was about her and Jade. Their relationship.
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?
Bobbi bit her lip slightly, looking away from the performance. There was a reason why she had stopped listening to Jade’s music when they broke up. It was painful, too painful to listen to the songs.
Who is the betrayer?
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound
My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall
My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
So heavy in your arms
This will be my last confession
I love you never felt like any blessing
(Ohhhh)
Whispering like it's a secret
Only to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart
At the ‘I love you’ line, Jade’s eyes flickered backstage. Green eyes met blue and Bobbi swallowed hard, looking away and discretely wiping her eyes.
Heavy heavy I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so) Heavy heavy I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so) Heavy heavy I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so) Heavy heavy I'm so heavy in your arms
I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around her neck
My fingers laced to crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
But she never let me down
When she held me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground
I'm so heavy, heavy in your arms
Heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms
As the song ended, the venue erupted into applause. Bobbi swiped at her eyes once more before also clapping as The Outwolders headed off stage.
“I think that was a hit,” Wanda said, “Why did you choose that song?”
“Um….It’s out least ‘fuck you’ song so….” Jade trailed off, rubbing the back of her neck. Her eyes flickered towards Bobbi again, who looked away.
“Well, you guys sounded amazing,” Wanda said. Bobbi checked her phone and nodded in agreement.
“Everyone loved your performance….and it seems to have reignited the speculation on who that song is about,” she said, “And it seems like you’re on your way to a comeback.”
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wendyimmiller · 5 years
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A Desperate Grasp at Redemption From One Struck Down by the Wrath of Marianne Wilburn’s Poison Pen
“There are peaches to be eaten warm from the brick of the wall they are grown against, peas picked off the tendrily plant and shucked straight from pod to mouth…tomatoes waiting to release their own musty muskiness as teeth break their skin.”
This, I was informed by my friend Marianne Wilburn in her brutal rebuttal to my good-natured, innocent, lighthearted, little column, Time for a Grexit, (published in the July/August issue of Horticulture Magazine)[i], is the high prose of English garden writer, Monty Don. It is her first of many examples of English garden writing superiority over that roughshod American lot. A citation so lovely, she more or less admits, that it compels her (and, apparently, a clique of Facebook Friends and other supporters) to sigh, swoon, and otherwise behave in a manner that works best in a room in a house down a long lane that offers plenty of privacy. Despite trying hard not to “go there,” given this reaction to “peas shucked straight from pod to mouth,” I couldn’t help but wonder how over the top her pleasure would be if Mr. Monty Don were to, oh I don’t know, perhaps eat an apple on the other end of a telephone call? Assuming, of course, that the call came from England. Conceivably from the Walled Garden at Wisely. Monty Don wearing wellies. Monty Don perhaps wearing only wellies.[ii] Eating an apple. Again, trying hard not to “go there” mainly because it might be a sin, but I can’t help but imagine something along the lines of Jamie Lee Curtis responding to John Cleese barking Russian at her in A Fish Called Wanda.
The offending column. My happy go lucky Deep Roots piece in the July/August 2019 issue of Horticulture Magazine.
The rebuttal that broke me. https://www.google.com/search?q=the+gulf+stream&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwil7p2q9IDkAhUbCM0KHUj3CYQQ_AUIESgB&biw=1006&bih=563#imgrc=zk5ACnjGVOKjYM:
I must admit I was rocked by Marianne’s withering rebuttal, Dismiss British Garden Writers? Absurd. (Guest Rant, July 18, 2019, https://www.gardenrant.com/2019/07/dismiss-british-garden-writers-absurd.html). Came out of nowhere, appearing, even, right here on Garden Rant, my home turf. For I, too, had enjoyed our visits, including a lovely dinner (thankfully one without peaches or peas), and delighted in good-natured repartee at a speaking engagement. But her piece landed some pretty heavy punches and, sadly, derailed whatever confidence and momentum I had managed to patch together since being bullied in my childhood. Oh, and after the loss of our beloved little black dog, Basil.[iii] Oh, and since surviving cancer.[iv]
Best little black dog ever!
I suppose, as my therapist pointed out, I should take some solace in the fact that my 500 word column inspired such a heartfelt, well-documented,[v] erudite (“Lloyd was as caustic and clever as Dorothy Parker, but as loveable as Ogden Nash.”), revealing (“When he starts undressing figs with his fingers, I need a moment to compose myself.”), occasionally pretentious (“went to university there”) sometimes profane (“he has his head right up his smart ass”), opportunistic (stealthily inserted plug for her British garden tour business), and masterfully scathing 5000 word screed.
Frankly, dammit, I’ve been outclassed. Forced to admit I’ve never heard of Ogden Nash. Nor Monty Don. Whatever I thought I had become, I was again reminded that I’m just another troglodyte American from the hinterlands, bumbling along, thinking most of the time only about my next Big Gulp. Worse, post-rebuttal, I’m too afraid to even Google “Monty Don.” From Marianne’s drooling description, I fear one mistaken click and, damn, I’ve downloaded one of those nasty Ukrainian viruses again. Or, even worse, my dear wife, Michele, will see “Monty Don” in my search history, click out of curiosity, and scarper off on the first aeroplane to London. You see, like Marianne, she too is an Anglophile. Always watching English dramas, documentaries on the Queen’s corgis, and other crap like that, and, therefore, vulnerable to suave, sophisticated, Monty Don-like, Englishmen.
My Anglophile Wife, Michele (right) and her twin sinister, Kathy, at a Jane Austen festival. All dressed up and ready to be married off (to men of good fortune).
But I have heard of Christopher Lloyd. In fact, I’ve got a few of his books. But somehow in the busy life I live, I managed to miss this brilliant bit of prose, gleefully quoted by Marianne, in which Lloyd calls out snobs:
“There are some gardeners in whose company I feel vulgar. They will expect you to fall on your knees with a magnifying glass to worship before the shrine of a spikelet of tiny green flowers… yet will themselves turn away disgusted from a huge, opulent quilt of hortensia hydrangeas.”
Huh. Interesting. So Christopher Lloyd was no fan of snobs.
I wonder what his opinion would be, then, of the dogged American writer dutifully putting out relevant, applicable information fully capable of making American gardens better even if, let’s surmise, that writer happened to be some clause-mauling, clod-hopping, t-shirt wearing, Big Gulp slurping, overworked, underpaid, privately insured, American public garden worker who finds his will to live sustained only by the slim hope of a Timber Press contract.[vi] Yeah, I wonder.
Likewise, I wonder what his opinion would be of the reader who goes all a quiver, requiring a coterie of handmaids to scurry hither and thither until full consciousness is restored, simply because Penelope Hobhouse articulated a description of a white garden that included no less than three particularly clever turns of phrase?
I don’t know much about Christopher Lloyd, but I’m just going to guess that it would be more likely he’d be found in a pub with the former than seen sipping tea with the latter.
I react to irony about the same way Marianne reacts to Monty Don undressing figs with his fingers, so I’m very glad no one is here right now. But I don’t expect that recognizing such irony is the forte of one who writes, “The best British garden writers have honed the ability to inflict dagger-sized wounds with the prick of a pin.” Can we pause it right here? Can we think about that for just a minute? Can you all just humour me while I ask, “What kind of she-devil admires such a thing?” Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I’m too kind. Maybe I’ve got a little attitude, being as I am, one who has spent the month since Marianne’s rebuttal struggling to keep my internal organs from slithering out of just such a wound, but does such a sentiment really exemplify an ideal we all really should want in good garden writing?
Later in her piece, Marianne goes on to argue that British garden writers are at an advantage because they ride upon the tide of a long gardening culture. She states, “They [the Brits] have simply been doing it longer. Their gardens are indeed older. Their tools are better oiled.” [citation needed] “There is nothing television worthy,” she continues, “about a rumpled and grubby Monty Don; except, there is.”[vii] All this, in my jaded opinion, is simply an eloquent way of offering a dismissive, backhanded excuse to American writers who are, apparently, hamstrung by a coast to coast populace of hopelessly un-horticultural hominids who need any narrative that might be gaining momentum to be repeatedly interrupted so they can be reminded of which part of a plant is supposed to be pretty and which part goes in the ground.
Sold only in the United States.
To this, I again raise the main point from my Horticulture Magazine column. Is the gulf between English gardening success and ours the fault of inarticulate American garden writers woefully trying to counsel a dismally ignorant American gardening public? Or is it because American gardeners, so easily impressed by Victorian language, vainly and stubbornly continue to force square, gulf stream-buffered English style gardens and the favourite garden plants of spoilt English garden writing prats into bitterly continental, round, American planting holes?
The Gulf Stream. America’s gift to British gardeners.
There is only so much time in a day. There is only so much room on a shelf. How many fresh, exciting, informed books that could lead to more and better American gardens go unpublished and therefore unread because so many seek the entertaining flourish of Lloyd dissecting snobs with the prick of his pin and because Beth Chatto’s Damp Garden continues to sell so well? Despite Chatto suggesting readers plant Meconopsis (the cause of all my frustrations), Heracleum mantegazzianum (a wickedly invasive weed), and Houttuynia cordata (the leading cause of American gardener suicides).
So, in the end, Marianne, you brought me to my knees, but you didn’t change my mind. On some things, as friends, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
That said, we do share a common fondness for Hugh Johnson, and I recommend The Principles of Gardening to anyone who will listen.[viii] No better guide to the full glorious spectrum of gardening exists anywhere. I’m not sure if it’s still in print, but it is available on Amazon, and everyone reading this (you are getting sleepy…sleepy) must go buy it (when you awake). I need to also mention John Seymour, author of the Self-Sufficient Gardener, whose infectious enthusiasm hooked me to the point where, for an anachronistic period of time, we just about went off the grid.[ix] Never did, though, develop a taste for parsnips.
So, time to let bygones be bygones. I’ll recover. Don’t worry about me. And I look forward to the next time our paths cross. I just learned I’ll be speaking in Waynesboro, Virginia next March. Somewhere near you, Marianne? Maybe Michele and I can swing by and enjoy “the wine that flows softly and smoothly.” We’ll laugh at the best barbs from your rebuttal, and at my floundering efforts here. I’ll try to live up to my attributes, which you were so kind to ascribe, and do my best to entertain, be clever, and self-deprecate. And, you and Michele can both enjoy uproarious conversation about Shakespeare, corgis, Prince Harry, Shepherd’s pie, and Monty Don long into the night. I’ll just good-naturedly smile and nod, struggle to follow, flail to “get” the constant stream of witticisms, and stand flabbergasted by minds that can retain something they read only once and then quote off into the future, seemingly at will. I wish I was like that, but I’m just not. Not even close. But, in the end, I’m okay with being a passionate advocate for more and better American gardens and any writing that pushes that forward, whether such writing inflicts dagger sized wounds or not.
[i] Horticulture Magazine, July/August 2019 issue, Deep Roots column, Scott Beuerlein
[ii] Fully Monty?
[iii] Named for Basil Fawlty, the John Cleese character in British sitcom, Fawlty Towers. 
[iv] If one is dealt the cancer card, it is considered poor form to not use it. I once avoided getting beat up by saying, “Don’t. Stop, I’ve got cancer.” BTW, free and clear now. Thankfully.
[v] Marianne had five, count ‘em, five endnote references.
[vi] Timber Press? Call me.
[vii] What does Marianne’s husband know of this Monty Don?
[viii] Oddly, I’m not so fond of Johnson’s book on wine I bought, which bogged down in wineries, regions, varietals and offered few opinions on good wines and values that could guide my wine-drinking journey. Which, come to think of it, is why I like the American garden writer Michael Dirr over, say, Hillier. You might not always agree with his opinions, but Dirr at least puts them out there, and doesn’t phone it in by simply describing the leaves in botanical language.
[ix] Include the 1970s BBC program, The Good Life as also partly responsible for this madness.
    A Desperate Grasp at Redemption From One Struck Down by the Wrath of Marianne Wilburn’s Poison Pen originally appeared on GardenRant on August 21, 2019.
from Gardening https://www.gardenrant.com/2019/08/a-death-rattle-response-from-a-mortally-wounded-blogger-to-marianne-wilburns-brutal-rebuttal.html via http://www.rssmix.com/
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turfandlawncare · 5 years
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A Desperate Grasp at Redemption From One Struck Down by the Wrath of Marianne Wilburn’s Poison Pen
“There are peaches to be eaten warm from the brick of the wall they are grown against, peas picked off the tendrily plant and shucked straight from pod to mouth…tomatoes waiting to release their own musty muskiness as teeth break their skin.”
This, I was informed by my friend Marianne Wilburn in her brutal rebuttal to my good-natured, innocent, lighthearted, little column, Time for a Grexit, (published in the July/August issue of Horticulture Magazine)[i], is the high prose of English garden writer, Monty Don. It is her first of many examples of English garden writing superiority over that roughshod American lot. A citation so lovely, she more or less admits, that it compels her (and, apparently, a clique of Facebook Friends and other supporters) to sigh, swoon, and otherwise behave in a manner that works best in a room in a house down a long lane that offers plenty of privacy. Despite trying hard not to “go there,” given this reaction to “peas shucked straight from pod to mouth,” I couldn’t help but wonder how over the top her pleasure would be if Mr. Monty Don were to, oh I don’t know, perhaps eat an apple on the other end of a telephone call? Assuming, of course, that the call came from England. Conceivably from the Walled Garden at Wisely. Monty Don wearing wellies. Monty Don perhaps wearing only wellies.[ii] Eating an apple. Again, trying hard not to “go there” mainly because it might be a sin, but I can’t help but imagine something along the lines of Jamie Lee Curtis responding to John Cleese barking Russian at her in A Fish Called Wanda.
The offending column. My Deep Roots piece in the July/August 2019 issue of Horticulture Magazine.
The rebuttal that broke me. https://ift.tt/2ZiubVC
I must admit I was rocked by Marianne’s withering rebuttal, Dismiss British Garden Writers? Absurd. (Guest Rant, July 18, 2019, https://www.gardenrant.com/2019/07/dismiss-british-garden-writers-absurd.html). Came out of nowhere, appearing, even, right here on Garden Rant, my home turf. For I, too, had enjoyed our visits, including a lovely dinner (thankfully one without peaches or peas), and delighted in good-natured repartee at a speaking engagement. But her piece landed some pretty heavy punches and, sadly, derailed whatever confidence and momentum I had managed to patch together since being bullied in my childhood. Oh, and after the loss of our beloved little black dog, Basil.[iii] Oh, and since surviving cancer.[iv]
Best little black dog ever!
I suppose, as my therapist pointed out, I should take some solace in the fact that my 500 word column inspired such a heartfelt, well-documented,[v] erudite (“Lloyd was as caustic and clever as Dorothy Parker, but as loveable as Ogden Nash.”), revealing (“When he starts undressing figs with his fingers, I need a moment to compose myself.”), occasionally pretentious (“went to university there”) sometimes profane (“he has his head right up his smart ass”), opportunistic (stealthily inserted plug for her British garden tour business), and masterfully scathing 5000 word screed.
Frankly, dammit, I’ve been outclassed. Forced to admit I’ve never heard of Ogden Nash. Nor Monty Don. Whatever I thought I had become, I was again reminded that I’m just another troglodyte American from the hinterlands, bumbling along, thinking most of the time only about my next Big Gulp. Worse, post-rebuttal, I’m too afraid to even Google “Monty Don.” From Marianne’s drooling description, I fear one mistaken click and, damn, I’ve downloaded one of those nasty Ukrainian viruses again. Or, even worse, my dear wife, Michele, will see “Monty Don” in my search history, click out of curiosity, and scarper off on the first aeroplane to London. You see, like Marianne, she too is an Anglophile. Always watching English dramas, documentaries on the Queen’s corgis, and other crap like that, and, therefore, vulnerable to suave, sophisticated, Monty Don-like, Englishmen.
My Anglophile Wife, Michele (right) and her twin sinister, Kathy, at a Jane Austen festival. All dressed up and ready to be married off (to men of good fortune).
But I have heard of Christopher Lloyd. In fact, I’ve got a few of his books. But somehow in the busy life I live, I managed to miss this brilliant bit of prose, gleefully quoted by Marianne, in which Lloyd calls out snobs:
“There are some gardeners in whose company I feel vulgar. They will expect you to fall on your knees with a magnifying glass to worship before the shrine of a spikelet of tiny green flowers… yet will themselves turn away disgusted from a huge, opulent quilt of hortensia hydrangeas.”
Huh. Interesting. So Christopher Lloyd was no fan of snobs.
I wonder what his opinion would be, then, of the dogged American writer dutifully putting out relevant, applicable information fully capable of making American gardens better even if, let’s surmise, that writer happened to be some clause-mauling, clod-hopping, t-shirt wearing, Big Gulp slurping, overworked, underpaid, privately insured, American public garden worker who finds his will to live sustained only by the slim hope of a Timber Press contract.[vi] Yeah, I wonder.
Likewise, I wonder what his opinion would be of the reader who goes all a quiver, requiring a coterie of handmaids to scurry hither and thither until full consciousness is restored, simply because Penelope Hobhouse articulated a description of a white garden that included no less than three particularly clever turns of phrase?
I don’t know much about Christopher Lloyd, but I’m just going to guess that it would be more likely he’d be found in a pub with the former than seen sipping tea with the latter.
I react to irony about the same way Marianne reacts to Monty Don undressing figs with his fingers, so I’m very glad no one is here right now. But I don’t expect that recognizing such irony is the forte of one who writes, “The best British garden writers have honed the ability to inflict dagger-sized wounds with the prick of a pin.” Can we pause it right here? Can we think about that for just a minute? Can you all just humour me while I ask, “What kind of she-devil admires such a thing?” Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I’m too kind. Maybe I’ve got a little attitude, being as I am, one who has spent the month since Marianne’s rebuttal struggling to keep my internal organs from slithering out of just such a wound, but does such a sentiment really exemplify an ideal we all really should want in good garden writing?
Later in her piece, Marianne goes on to argue that British garden writers are at an advantage because they ride upon the tide of a long gardening culture. She states, “They [the Brits] have simply been doing it longer. Their gardens are indeed older. Their tools are better oiled.” [citation needed] “There is nothing television worthy,” she continues, “about a rumpled and grubby Monty Don; except, there is.”[vii] All this, in my jaded opinion, is simply an eloquent way of offering a dismissive, backhanded excuse to American writers who are, apparently, hamstrung by a coast to coast populace of hopelessly un-horticultural hominids who need any narrative that might be gaining momentum to be repeatedly interrupted so they can be reminded of which part of a plant is supposed to be pretty and which part goes in the ground.
Sold only in the United States.
To this, I again raise the main point from my Horticulture Magazine column. Is the gulf between English gardening success and ours the fault of inarticulate American garden writers woefully trying to counsel a dismally ignorant American gardening public? Or is it because American gardeners, so easily impressed by Victorian language, vainly and stubbornly continue to force square, gulf stream-buffered English style gardens and the favourite garden plants of spoilt English garden writing prats into bitterly continental, round, American planting holes?
The Gulf Stream. America’s gift to British gardeners.
There is only so much time in a day. There is only so much room on a shelf. How many fresh, exciting, informed books that could lead to more and better American gardens go unpublished and therefore unread because so many seek the entertaining flourish of Lloyd dissecting snobs with the prick of his pin and because Beth Chatto’s Damp Garden continues to sell so well? Despite Chatto suggesting readers plant Meconopsis (the cause of all my frustrations), Heracleum mantegazzianum (a wickedly invasive weed), and Houttuynia cordata (the leading cause of American gardener suicides).
So, in the end, Marianne, you brought me to my knees, but you didn’t change my mind. On some things, as friends, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.
That said, we do share a common fondness for Hugh Johnson, and I recommend The Principles of Gardening to anyone who will listen.[viii] No better guide to the full glorious spectrum of gardening exists anywhere. I’m not sure if it’s still in print, but it is available on Amazon, and everyone reading this (you are getting sleepy…sleepy) must go buy it (when you awake). I need to also mention John Seymour, author of the Self-Sufficient Gardener, whose infectious enthusiasm hooked me to the point where, for an anachronistic period of time, we just about went off the grid.[ix] Never did, though, develop a taste for parsnips.
So, time to let bygones be bygones. I’ll recover. Don’t worry about me. And I look forward to the next time our paths cross. I just learned I’ll be speaking in Waynesboro, Virginia next March. Somewhere near you, Marianne? Maybe Michele and I can swing by and enjoy “the wine that flows softly and smoothly.” We’ll laugh at the best barbs from your rebuttal, and at my floundering efforts here. I’ll try to live up to my attributes, which you were so kind to ascribe, and do my best to entertain, be clever, and self-deprecate. And, you and Michele can both enjoy uproarious conversation about Shakespeare, corgis, Prince Harry, Shepherd’s pie, and Monty Don long into the night. I’ll just good-naturedly smile and nod, struggle to follow, flail to “get” the constant stream of witticisms, and stand flabbergasted by minds that can retain something they read only once and then quote off into the future, seemingly at will. I wish I was like that, but I’m just not. Not even close. But, in the end, I’m okay with being a passionate advocate for more and better American gardens and any writing that pushes that forward, whether such writing inflicts dagger sized wounds or not.
[i] Horticulture Magazine, July/August 2019 issue, Deep Roots column, Scott Beuerlein
[ii] Fully Monty?
[iii] Named for Basil Fawlty, the John Cleese character in British sitcom, Fawlty Towers. 
[iv] If one is dealt the cancer card, it is considered poor form to not use it. I once avoided getting beat up by saying, “Don’t. Stop, I’ve got cancer.” BTW, free and clear now. Thankfully.
[v] Marianne had five, count ‘em, five endnote references.
[vi] Timber Press? Call me.
[vii] What does Marianne’s husband know of this Monty Don?
[viii] Oddly, I’m not so fond of Johnson’s book on wine I bought, which bogged down in wineries, regions, varietals and offered few opinions on good wines and values that could guide my wine-drinking journey. Which, come to think of it, is why I like the American garden writer Michael Dirr over, say, Hillier. You might not always agree with his opinions, but Dirr at least puts them out there, and doesn’t phone it in by simply describing the leaves in botanical language.
[ix] Include the 1970s BBC program, The Good Life as also partly responsible for this madness.
    A Desperate Grasp at Redemption From One Struck Down by the Wrath of Marianne Wilburn’s Poison Pen originally appeared on GardenRant on August 21, 2019.
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