#and i do not have that kind of stamina

[doonarose]

What is 'Crashing' about?

Crashing is a 3400 word framework that I haven't look at in a month. I wrote it as some sort of therapy after I hit a kangaroo in my brand new car. It would be a longer multi-chapter human AU fic (something I've never done) in which Crowley and Aziraphale meet on a dark rainy night after Crowley swerves to try to avoid hitting a deer and crashes into Az. They're both fine, cars are a bit fucked, deer is injured and Crowley basically commits to doing everything possible to nurse it back to life, including waking up the local vet in the middle of the night and throwing money at surgery.

Az knows the vet because has has a hobby farm where he rescues and rehabs injured and runty goats.

Both cars are too fucked to drive (the Bentley only makes it to the vet because Crowley wills it to (not really, he's human remember, but the axle is bent and so they are stuck)) and it's like 2am so Crowley ends up back at Aziraphale's little cottage/farm and they fuck. That feels like it comes out of no where but adrenaline, etc., and right before the vet calls to say the deer's on the mend which makes Crowley very happy.

Anyway... that's basically meant to be a one night stand except their lives kind of intertwine because of course Aziraphale takes on the deer rehab and Crowley's grown attached. And also Crowley's realized Aziraphale's got no money and now a totally fucked up car, but also doesn't want any charity.

Did I mention Crowley works in some sort of gross property finance roll and that his company is trying to buy out Aziraphale's hobby farm to build a highway or something. And basically forces that through... even though for a very long time (And several more unavoidable, definitely the last time, i'm just here to see the deer, one night stands) Aziraphale doesn't know Crowley's the one responsible for basically kicking him out of his home.

But then Crowley only works for the bank because it gives him the kind of power and income to do some very quiet anonymous good. Which then sees him donate substantially to the goat rescue thing. So Aziraphale will be fine, but has still lost his home.

So then the bad guy Crowley stuff comes out and Aziraphale rather hates him for it. And then eventually the penny drops that Crowley's also the good guy. And this is all very underbaked but here have a bit of the first meeting:

“Fucking fuckity fuck.”

“Are you quite alright?” Aziraphale calls as his sodden shoes slip in the mud.

The stranger whirls around like he’d thought he was alone. “Of course I’m alright. How fucking close did you need to get up my arse?”

Aziraphale’s taken aback. Hadn’t this gentleman been the one who braked, suddenly, on a narrow, dark, wet laneway, and caused the accident? Wasn’t he lucky that Aziraphale was quick-witted enough to swerve? Not that propriety would allow him to point any of that out. “Are you alright, though? No damage?”

That seems to take some of the wind out of the man’s sails. “’m fine, just… FUCK.”

It isn’t the most impressive vocabulary. “Perhaps we can exchange details and – ”

He’s waved off with a dismissive hand and the man disappears around the back of his car (which is facing forward) and into the dense trees beside the road. Aziraphale tries to scurry after him but a particularly sharp press of wind pushes him back.

“Excuse me,” he presses. “But we’ve been in an accident and I will need – “

The man appears, suddenly close to him, imposing but only to raise a finger to his lips and very loudly shush him. Then he stalks off in parallel with the road, back towards the ditch harbouring Aziraphale’s car.

Aziraphale watches him, pause and look around. “If you could perhaps – ” He’s shushed again. “Really, it’s pouring rain and – ” Again, the loud shushing. “Legally you are req – ”

“Shut it.” The spectre, barely more than a silhouette ghost, takes a sharp right and heads into the tree further.

#doonas fic #i really should revisit this #but also it would be like 75k at minimum #and i do not have that kind of stamina #doonas ask

[foxdrabbles]

If I may be so bold (and feel free to ignore this request if it Does Not Vibe), could I please request anything with Ebenholz x Czerny? I love how you handle character/ship dynamics and would love to see your take on them.

"You gave him a what!?!"

"A horn-ring. I had Frau Vulcan smith it, according to a design I glimpsed him sketching in the margins of the Kovitsch duo we were rehearsing. I thought it would be an appropriate anniversary gift. But I take it from both of your reactions that I have made some kind of grave faux pas?"

"I - well, I wouldn't call it - you had it custom made?!? How did he react? Oh god, please tell me you didn't give it to him in front of other people."

"Nein, Frau Glacier. I have more tact than that."

"After this, I don't believe that. Go on."

"He was - he was overcome with emotion, and could not look me in the eye. He said he was very thankful, and made an excuse about a sudden onset of one of his headaches, and left for his bedroom. He hasn't talked to me, or answered any missives, since."

"Which has been how long?"

"Three days. Frau Glacier, tell me plain. What mess have I gotten myself into?"

"A real big one, because a horn-ring is the traditional Caprinae way of proposing."

"...Proposing what, exactly?"

"Marriage, you idiot."

#ah the old species culture shock where sonething you thought was a kind gesture turned out to mean something VERY DIFFERENT #its ok eben isnt mad hes furiously trying to come up with a ring design to fit over czernys antlers #this definitely has more potebtial for a longer fic that i do not have the stamina for currently #drabbles #arknights #asks #ebenholz #czerny #earthspirit #(released at the normal queue time but not actually queued i just happened to be writing right about now) #edit: also yes ebenholz was basically writing 'mr. urtica-czerny' on his music #hes down baaaaaaaaaaaad

[corvidcall]

i think it's really great when video essayists get to experiment with form. i think being hosted on youtube instead of being formal documentaries allows them to be a lot weirder, a lot more... well, experimental, without having the concerns of having to appeal to the already pretty small audience of people who would pay to watch a documentary

"so you liked the new defunctland video?"

no 💖

#anime life #not because its bad i just. simply do not enjoy this kind of thing. its like if fantasia was trying to be a documentary #which sounds cool on paper but i dont like fantasia either!!!! #i just don't have the stamina to pay attention to this kind of thing for more than maybe 10 minutes

[lord-squiggletits]

A frustrating thing about media perceptions of violence is that there are a ton of ways I want to write Cybertronians experiencing war and violence in terms of "what are the physical limits they can take" but it seems less extraordinary than it actually is because media already tends to portray even regular humans in combat with improbable or impossible abilities.

Like, how can I say something interesting about "oh Cybertronians have more stamina in battle because they don't bleed [in my headcanon] which means getting cut won't inevitably take them out of a fight in a few minutes" except when was the last time mainstream action media ever took bleeding into account. What about the fact that Cybertronians can break limbs or lose them completely and just get a replacement put on, but human characters losing limbs or getting prosthetics are rarely shown getting physical therapy or anything that would come with losing a limb. Even something as basic as "Cybertronians can be in direct combat for hours without tiring" falls flat when so many media portrays human combat as this crazy thing where people have the stamina to do flips and shit for minutes on end which isn't accurate at all.

#squiggposting #the first thing you learn about fighting (in research or in practice) is that fighting is fucking tiring #and that the smallest of injuries can fuck you up badly #see humans suck because there's a lot of pain points or vital structures on our body that are very exposed and easily targeted #but to me the appeal of cybertronians is that they. they don't have those weaknesses or at least can take far more punishment #it's hard for me to look at human anatomy the same way any more once i was taught that stabbing someone in the inner thigh #can bleed them out in seconds #or you can throat chop someone and crush their windpipe and make them basically suffocate #humans are so fragile man it's kind of terrifying #anyways. basically what i am saying is that all cybertronians by default are superhumans in terms of athletic ability and stamina #but like beyond superhuman because machines work in a completely different way than organics do #machines can hypothetically run forever as long as they're given fuel but organics just can't do that

[honestlyvan]

Thinking about image model generated art and gifmaking is giving me some weird vibrations about how there really is some weird association of the virtuesvirtues of a medium with the virtues of the people working in it. Gifmaking being associated with KPop fans doesn't make the concept of frame interpolation racist, and someone marketing themselves as a cheaper alternative to some other artist doesn't make the concept of generative art inherently class antagonistic.

It's somehow reminiscent of CJ the X's distinction between "stupid art" and "evil art", how a medium that has a low skill floor can produce things that are very stupid and easy to perceive as low-effort but how that's not the same as them having something wrong with them. If you look at my animation tag, most of it is motion graphics done with AfterEffects, and while it's probably wrong to call it a low skill floor program the way an AI art generator is... there is still a world where instead of programmatically telling shapes to whizz by on a screen, a different Van would have drawn those same animations frame by frame, producing exactly the same animation.

And I don't think the fact that I did them programmatically somehow invalidates the artistic intent that went into them, y'know? I could open AE right now and produce a 250x250 looping gif of clouds and while I know how to do that quick, to make it look good and to make me like it, I would have to spend time considering how the various elements, colours, timings and whatever the particle system/noise generator I use spits out fit together. I would have to fiddle with seeds and levels and timings to make it look good. I would have to spend a long time just staring and thinking about what I'm making before I could make it good.

I don't know enough about generative art tools to know how much fiddling goes into them once they're taught and ready to go, but I do know enough about deep learning to know it's a haphazard, frustrating process that you as the artist have only limited control over, which is why it doesn't appeal to me. But I have made gifs in the past, and I know how that process requires an eye for consistency and composition, framing and colour that a lot of other visual artists don't have because they're not working with time as one of the creative dimensions.

And like... who am I, from my high horse as someone in possession of these skills, to tell someone who is still developing these skills or who has a different aesthetic concept of what is good than me, what they're making is low-effort. That's not my judgement to make. I didn't make it. Only the artist themselves can say if somehing was low-effort or not. I don't see why I should have so little faith in other artists to assume they have no interest in putting in any effort.

#van stuff #and if someone only wants to use their artistic drive to make things #with as little energy as they can #that's a valid artistic goal too #why do writers sometimes do drabbles? #why do incredible visual artists post loving renderings of memes? #why do people meme on their own work? #Everyone has art in them #sometimes we have art that exceeds our creative stamina #and sometimes we have art that uses only a fraction of our power #and I think comparing the two is #like #... like you sound kind of fascist. You sound like people to this day being mad about the Fountain #Nobody is expected to like any art #God knows most AI stuff does literally nothing for me other than provoke a deep discomfort #something trying that hard to mimic reality just sets off my unreality sensors #but whether we like something #and whether effort went into it #and whether something is comparatively better than some other thing #are three different conversations

[butchvoid]

:3 scraped my wife's car clean of snow and ice and I'm glowing with butch euphoria

#I do not have the physical strength or stamina to do these kinds of things but sometimes... sometimes it's worth pushing as far as I can #I really love doing physical tasks for my butch and take a lot of pride in what I can do

[atlasllm]

:(

#kind of angry at myself for not having the art stamina i used to #i know caboosi-ing yourself is a real issue #but even today i feel winded just. coloring #i like coloring! what's even the matter! #i'm tired my eyes are tired #my wrist isn't the worst but i can feel i can't go on much longer #more insulting is that this is HOMEWORK and i NEED this to be done ASAP #i have more HOMEWORK to do still #ughh. #what is wrong with me :( #atlas speaks; #vent;

[x-letsbreaksomerules-x]

yeah okay fenris. sure. just say things.

#i mean i suppose he does breed quickly. if the whole kum & go thing is anything to go by #but he still didn't have to say this #murphys gamer cave #MoTA is such a boring DLC but like i need the EXP #also shoutout to fenris for carrying the entire party because felicia day elf cant do jack shit #seriously Tallis is like the worst companion her abilities kind of just suck #Merrill is doing her best but she has the constitution of like wet tissue paper #i had to attempt a alpha wyvern fight solo with Fenris and i did get incredibly close but #that thing is BEEFY. i needed more stamina and didn't have it. #this wasn't a choice either it just killed everyone else he has the most health

[myriadsystem]

Oh so queen gib is fucken easy as shit if you do literally any preparation huh

#totk spoilers #personal #damn yalls tags made me think she was gonna be hard so i stocked up on attack up food and fire fruits #made myself a fire weapon and the lady was dead literally within 3 minutes #um ok??? i actually had to stop fighting her and do a photo shoot for my tat references like i wasnt hectically running around and dying #i in fact did not die even once. madam just kind of crawls around the corner of the room waiting patiently for me and riju to lightning her #the only actual thing to dodge is tornadoes and thats.. not hard if you have any stamina #i think one floor gibdo got me once and thats the only hit other than tornadoes. i still have so many meals left #what is this i feel so mislead queen gib im sorry everyone thinks ur scary and dangerous ur a good big moth girl #not my favourite temple regards to puzzles but my favourite zelda boss of all time ever #(it is not important that this is the first and only zelda game i have played) #queen gibdo

[atwas-gaming]

Wow. I have got to figure out how to run old games on my shiny, modern gaming PC, because the new Carnivores remake. SUCKS.

#carnivores dinosaur hunter #my opinion #300 frikkin credits just to use the dinosaur calls?!? #THEY WERE 100% FREE IN ALL OF THE FIRST 3 GAMES WHAT KIND OF SADIST DECIDED WE SHOULD HAVE TO PAY FOR THEM NOW!!!??? #and then the dinosaurs do not react instantly and i cannot get used to that #they spot me- or i shoot them- and it's a couple of seconds before they react #or... at least that's how the steg reacts #i dunno maybe it's just cuz stegs have brains the size of a walnut #still... #it's stupid #and then throw in the dino senses being almost as super-sensitive as they were in carnivores 2 #and i swear the player has only like 1 stamina wheel (loz reference XP) #i could swear i used to sprint all the way from one side of an island to another #the graphics are great tho i'll give them that #the textures the lighting the dinosaur behavior... #it all looks great #well... #except that the island's so... sparse #delphaeus hills looks like it suffered a drought #or partial deforestation #it's so barren #the textures are better but it looks so empty #anyway #i played a trial version on xbox 1 and that was enough for me #i needa play my old games again #the one update that i (very ironically) did kinda like was that a steg trampled me in one mission #totally did not expect that #it's still weird to me because why isn't the steg using its spiked tail??? #but yeah i always wondered why a lot of the herbivores didn't AT LEAST trample you #but like...

[mona-liar]

ya boy is doing taekwando this year fuck yeah

#*semester #I've wanted to do some kind of martial arts for years #but I do not have the stamina to do a full lesson with anyone else but absolute beginners #so I'm so happy this worked out <3<3<3 #now let's keep the fingers crossed that I still get into a figure skating class

[death-rebirth-senshi]

The way everyone does build videos for elden ring is often so useless, they're so often centered around a single spell or type of spell and then a single weapon. I use a variety of weapons on every build I've done!!

#I'm reaching 150 on my int build and I have some flexibility here for the next 10 level ups. #I could put extra points into endurance. Get vigor to 60 instead of 50 but I'm not sure how much good that does #could put points into dex for all those int/dex weapons at the eleventh hour. Death's Poker and Wing of Astel if I go 17 dex #I feel like 30 is a good amount of mind I was going to put points there but changed. My mind. #Me vs elden ring #or I could put an extra few points into strength and get some great hammers and great axes up in here. #Or I couldn't go wrong dumping it all in endurance since I already kind of have all the weapons I'm going to use on this build #namely the moonlight greatsword. My longsword; stone club; misbegotten axe #and Moonlight greatsword really chews through stamina. As do the stronger spells. Might just go with that.

[nexus-nebulae]

Ive gotten so used to not being able to play most games bc of my hands and reaction time n stuff so ive basically gotten used to hitting a ceiling in a game where i can't play normally anymore and need to use assists/cheats so every time i find a game that i Don't need to do that for whenever it ends im just like wait huh thats it???

#cannot decide if Jusant was too short or it's just more accessible than I'm used to so i was able to blaze through it- #either way i would love another game with mechanics like Jusant the climbing was so fluid and satisfying #i thought with my directional confusion n shit i wouldn't be able to get it #but i got a controller and the joysticks and trigger buttons REALLY help with that somehow??? #and i managed to get to a point where i was just spidering up walls in seconds #i wanna play more so im actually kind of glad i missed collectibles #this is why you dont 100% run on your first playthrough so you have More Fun to have with it later #i play most games for The Movement (something i Very Much Cannot Do A Lot Of irl) bc its satisfying to Zoom #and that game just has a really solid climbing mechanic its so fun #and so easy to like. make it easier on yourself somehow. #like using pitons to anchor yourself halfway up a wall and then just rappel down to the previous ledge #to regain stamina and then just reel yourself back up to that anchor and keep going #or you can use a piton to just dangle and assess your surroundings #as well as stamina doesnt drain unless you're in motion or under duress (like from weather) so you can pause and look around #plus it's just very fun to climb up this big ol stack and look down and see Wow! I Fuckin Did That! #bc each section is just one real big map so you can fall from top to bottom (of each section) #if you could fall i dont think. the game lets you #cause i tested and if you're not tethered you just do not walk off ledges #which is also nice i like that too it makes me less anxious

[void-tiger]

…I still want a Water Tribble. And am very very sad that the people selling the delightful aquatic moss balls didn’t properly decontaminate them of invasive species like zebra mussel eggs…so now they’re banned.

#tiger’s musings #…I just wanted this Cute Lil Plant bobbing away in a fishbowl or jar #that’s been set up All Aesthetic (but is…NO!! DON’T DO THAT!! for keeping fish) #also…I don’t have the stamina to properly care for a tank #I’ll stick with birds and spoiling them #birds and Bird&Cat Safe Plants #…I also want chamomile. but that is Slightlg Toxic and the creeping kind that Might not grow too big inside an indoor pot is More Toxic #(I forget which is german and which is roman.) #but…Ya Girl /just might/ have the option to have plants!! #…even if Water Tribbles are probably still banned. zebra mussels are still an issue

[werewolf4vampire]

hmm. i think. maybe i can't actually get better

#i'm sure this feeling will pass. it always does #but god there are just so many barriers. so many doctors i need to see. tests to do. exercises that will exhaust and hurt me at first #difficult mental exercises that will cause me emotional anguish at first while i'm bad at them #the guarantee that i'm going to feel beaten down & hopeless. repeatedly. indefinitely. until i finally start seeing progress #until i finally find the right doctors. the right tests. the right treatments. build up my strength. and stamina. #all the while i'm on a ticking clock in regards to my pets and family who are just gonna keep getting older #who fucking knows how long it will take to be Better and i'm fucking running out of time. i need to be better tomorrow #i need to be better yesterday. last year. two‚ three years ago #and ALL of this while i'm trying to figure out what kind of meager amount of income i could potentially make #how do you work while you're completely and utterly broken? how do you pay for those vet bills? new exercise shoes #to help with your pain? (the old ones are a decade old). a new desk chair so you could potentially do work at your desk #new clothes everytime you gain more fucking weight #and then you start to wonder: is all this stress giving you health issues? are you gonna have a bad heart in 5-10 years? #how do i reduce this stress so i can deal with these things better??? how do i reduce stress when it consumes my entire fucking life?? #i am. so tired #darryl speaks

[theramblingvoid]

The issue is that it's like, not that bad. If I could take a pair of time scissors and snip out a little hour long triangle of Now and put it somewhere in Before, it wouldn't even be a ruined day. It would hurt, but not that bad, and it would be weird to happen all at once and then none at all instead of the slow buildup notice-too-late way it did happen, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I probably wouldn't even have told anyone. Just took a nap maybe, or filled a hot water bottle, or more likely, knowing me, sat there and studied and vaguely wondered if the thing I ate that morning might have gone a little off. Some people have very bad pain. Excruciating, for some people. Mine is like, not that bad.

But the issue is that it's like, not that bad, but not just for an hour. The issue is it was one bad hour in March, three of them some time in early April, and then at some point I can't pin down in hindsight I forgot what it felt like to not be in pain. And it's never been that bad - I could sit at a desk, I could keep up a conversation, and I worked all the way through it, best I could - but my chest hurts in new ways from hunching over old pain and bracing my arms on that desk without noticing. My jaw aches from clenching my teeth, and my boss doesn't know that it's not that bad when she sits me down and asks me why my time has yet to solidify in an appropriate amount of papers on her desk. Because it has been months, see, and a trickle of sand fills a bucket in a year the same way a shovel can do it in a day.

And I am lucky, genuinely. I am so lucky that it's like, not that bad. I have never needed the hospital for it, never been to the emergency room. I could walk, every day, even if it wasn't pretty. But the issue, the god damned issue is that I do not own time scissors because they don't exist. Thirty seconds underwater is like, not that bad, but thirty more, and thirty more, and thirty more, and thirty more, and thirty more, without coming up for air, thirty more, thirty more, thirty more has you drowning. And that's what I think people don't understand, sometimes. I know I didn't. I do now.

Hey. Chronically ill friend. Come here. Let me tell you a secret.

Even if it's like, really not that bad, you're allowed to admit it can be really fucking hard.

#chronic illness #voidrambles #prose #i guess?? #even now not sure if this is posting or going into drafts #was just on my mind today because I'm actually doing a lot better now with meds but I'm still like. not well #which made me realize just how much room there is to be still not well but better compared to where i was before #which made me realize that hey. maybe dealing with this bullshit for months actually kinda did wear on me hugely even if i was never like #crying in agony #i hate being pitied and i hate feeling like I'm asking for it even more so again I'm gonna be clear: it could have been SO much worse #so many people DO have it so much worse and are in agony and do not have the privilege of meds that help even if not fully helping #and the fact that i have the stamina and clarity of mind to even phrase this longass essay right now is incredible compared to before #but i just think it's. idk interesting? frustrating? weird to think about #how gradually something can build up and how much it can affect your life while being kind of objectively like，not that bad #so just wanted to say if you're in that boat yknow. reading my bullshit won't fix it but i do see you #o7 #(okay to reblog) #(if for some reason you did read this whole novel djdhfhd) #personal #<- for filters #watch me hate the way this is worded by tomorrow