#and it'll suck until I do

[littlemisspipebomb]

.

#feelin tender (suicidal as fuuuuck) #I honestly don't believe I'll ever be happy #I don't know what I want #I definitely don't know how to get there #and it'll suck until I do #also I just kinda hate the whole eating thing #genuinely would prefer not to

[b4kuch1n]

1/ this bout of comms almost done and 2. spawndate in 3 days so I have! been fixin up some stuff for the itch store. that'll go live on the 29th! right now there Is a pack of the lineart stuff I did last year for folks who found that agreeable, still free to grab! for practicing coloring, or if you wanna mess around with colors when ur not feelin like doing lineart, or if you wanna try to figure out colors in a drastically different style than what you usually go for. or if u just wanna look at it that's cool too. small announcement that is all see u in a few

#bakuspeech #update on the situation: is mostly contained. it'll take a fair bit to make up for how much it's kicked us in the nuts #but it's doable. just Very annoying and tedious and sudden and overall it just sucks #esp. like right up close to my birthday lmao. like if it happened earlier this year I'd be like alright. sucks shit but par for the course #this year has already been so fucked up. this might as well happen #but since it's happened in december it really brings on the feeling of like. fr bitch? #right in front of my cake? me the birthday boy? the specialest fucking boy? #but well. theres a Thing around here that's ur birthday usually being the unluckiest day #but also we're the kind of folks who track death dates rather than birthdays. like up until very recently #all four of my grandparents have unspecified birthdays. their birth years aren't even correct. on paper they're like #a few years older than they actually are #and my granddad on my dads side was even from a family of some means so it wasnt even a class thing #man. last year Something was happening around this time too. idr what but it also sucked #mmm. well. what is really just is. and I've already taken a hammer to it anyhows #I'll do the same for the birthday thing. it Will be fucking good. I take a hammer to it #I'm very glad I still get some commissions even tho it was practically right up to noel #you guys are very generous. I don't say it as often as I should I think but I'm very very thankful for the support #glad to hang out around here still. glad to have the folks I have here. thank u for chillin with me #please look forward to the itch store update. got a new thing along with the old things ported over. stay tuned

[honeysuckle-venom]

Worrying is useless. I'll see a hepatologist as soon as we can get me an appointment; there's nothing I can do in the meantime and nothing urgent anyway. But. I'm still worried. My case is pretty extreme; it's unusual to have so many tumors, to have them in both lobes, and for them to be so large. I just watched a short video about hepatic adenomas (link here if you're curious lol) and it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know but. What I know is. Not great. Almost certainly the next step for me for trying to treat this is going to be weight loss. I'm significantly "overweight" and my last hepatologist wanted me on weight loss drugs, but I refused and wanted to see if going off the birth control would be enough. I'm still not willing to go on weight loss drugs, those scare the crap out of me, there's not nearly enough research about their long term effects. But I might have to look seriously at working with an anti-deit dietician and my therapist and my doctor to try to lose weight through diet and exercise without also losing my mind. And that terrifies me. I've had seriously disordered eating my whole life and currently deal with very fun eating issues that are like 50% eating disorder 50% food and health based OCD, and attempting intentional weight loss is likely to be very destabilizing if not outright deeply dangerous for me. But it might be the only thing standing between me and a liver transplant and uh...I do NOT want a liver transplant. Idk. This whole thing might be me catastrophizing; maybe it'll be fine, maybe there will be some other treatment like ablation or something similar I can do, maybe I'll try to lose weight and my therapist will help me through it and it won't be that destabilizing after all, maybe I'll be told there's absolutely no need for any kind of surgery let alone a transplant. I'm not a doctor, I don't know, maybe there are a million things I haven't considered or found in my own research. But from what I do know things seem...not great and very stressful right now.

#text post #my post #should i have watched a video that mentioned at the end that patients with large tumors in both lobes might rarely need transplants? no #did i watch it anyway? yes #like. it's fine. i'm sure it won't come to that. but also. what if. #and i'm very very nervous about the weight thing #but i have a strong feeling it's going to be pretty much the only option we have left to try to treat this #which fucking sucks #i have faith in my therapist. she has said that if it ever became necessary for me to lose weight we'd do it together as safely as possible #but it's still extremely scary for me to contemplate bc that stuff becomes a very slippery slope for me very very very fast #it's bad enough as is. it'll be a LOT worse if i'm medically ordered to lose weight #whatever. like i said. no point in worrying until i've talked to a doctor i guess #medical cw #medical tw

[bumblebeehug]

not a very positive post but i hate, hate, not being fluent in english. i wish so bad that i could write in english as well as i can write in swedish, and it's exhausting knowing that it'll never compare. and writing things in swedish makes the target audience so much smaller than i want it to be. i wanna write great books that people all over the world can read and enjoy, and with english being such a wide spread language, that would be the preferred language to write in. but as soon as i read actual books, or just other fanfics as well, i realise that my vocabulary is incredibly small (i search up words to translate all the time - even in this post i forgot the english word for "målgrupp", which was target audience) and i also realise that i lack understanding of how real english speakers use words and sentences. i can write by text book, but my writing will never be exceptional in the way i'd love for it to be.

#incredibly depressing to read this probably #but i wanted to rant #it just sucks to not be able to do anything about this #other than to practice more #but that's all it'll ever be #a constant battle to maybe be comparable to an average english speaker #i'm also one of those kids who was a “natural” in school #not so naturally smart when i have to become GOOD and not just good for my age #still gonna write until i die though #it's the only thing i've ever been good at so i might as well fight to stay good at it #rather than quitting writing and becoming worse with time #thnx for coming to my ted-talk

[sanguinepeccatorum]

I do think my vin is gonna end up being a weird blend of the OG boi and the rendition in Rebirth. But I'll figure out details more closely once I get through it. I do think I'll be re-writing one bits on this blog and everything very soon, though - - - but it'll be nice and fresh. Its an old af blog, after all.

#and im so excited that faye is gonna give all the aesthetics of this blog a total facelift bc its been SO LONG since anything has been #changed here that its super needed aaaa #and then I'll do all the wiring beyond that hhhh #it'll be a lot of sorting but im looking forward to it #and I do have screens ready to make new Vin icons #but I'll get there once I've finished the game #I'm slow af because i cant leave an area until I've done everything there so I'm S L O W #but ive reached Corel so- getting somewhere slowly #and i dont have a lot of free time which sucks but i do my best <3 #love you all!

[ghoul-haunted]

ngl it's so dehumanizing to spend all your time just trying to make enough to pay bills like what is the POINT

#grinding my teeth. wailing. screaming mostly. job hunting sucks because it's all prior experience #or degrees for entry level jobs. and i cant get certified for anything until i get a laptop that can run programs #and i can't do that without saving up money. BUT I CANT SAVE UP MONEY IF IT ALL GOES TO BILLS. SO I CANT GET #CERTIFICATIONS THAT WILL GET ME A JOB #poverty and being poor and everything is a fucking inescapable trap and it'll never let you leave i HATE it hereeeeeee

[todayisafridaynight]

Oh yeah also to be exact for stream purposes, average playtime from all 60 reviews is 10-12 hours, but total range is 8-15, double for a 100% playthrough. You do have to progress in the side content to progress in the main story (complete x missions/get x points/get to x rank type of deal), and you'll probably want to progress in the side content to level up since it's money-based and that's the fastest way to make money. I'm pretty sure the variance comes from getting sucked into the side content (probably not likely for your playstyle) or having trouble with the bosses at a lower level (they're apparently pretty hard this time).

It also looks like the Infinite Wealth demo is split into two (an adventure mode with the extra cutscenes and another one that's basically the demo we've seen around). Adventure mode Allegedly doesn't have proper saves at the time of writing (this was an annoyance for one reviewer so I assume it's long enough to warrant that), so it's worth taking that into account too. Anyway that's about it lol don't quote me on any of this because my brain just shut off after a certain point <3

OK BET TYSM CHAMP YOURE A LIFESAVER soooooo doing Quick Maths in my brain i might divide the stream up in two if i start playing at 4:30PM and i plan to marathon it.

ill take a break 3:45 - 5:45 saturday morning since that's a part of my regular routine and ill feel weird if i dip on it. I Dont Need Sleep but god forbid i skip out on all That apparently. plus it's a good break period to get exercise in and move around LMAO

going from 4:30PM -> 3:45AM's like.....10~11 hours... so that's about halfway through the game if i get entranced by side content... if we do somehow finish it all in one shot then we can just do the IW stuff after my routine.. epic.. it prob wont be any longer than an hour if that so stream- AUSPICIOUSLY THINKING- should wrap up around 7~9AM saturday.

#snap chats #and then when its all done ill take the longest nap of my life afterwards LMAOOOOO #jk. ill prob sleep for like. a minute. imagine if i did art stream later LMAOOO NONONO maybe sunday.. if im really ill bout it.. #some are wondering Snap Are You Physically Capable Of Doing Thaat and to that i say Yes. Yes I Am. #i didnt grind out buzzsaw mill raids on gaiaonline over night for nothing.. im a Gamer in my soul... a bad one but a gamer nonetheless.. #i did it for ishin i can def do it for gaiden- esp if theres an audience and i have people to chat with #also the Break Time will be a great cut off point for recording so people who can't/don't want to show up for the stream can watch it #see it's all going according to plan..... it's all going swimmingly..... #i like how generous im being with my gaiden time. girl we know im gonna suck and take longer LMAOOO WE AINT DOIN IT IN 8 HOURS #maybe ill 100% gaiden off stream or somn if the side stuff really ropes me in #also im late as balls answering this OOPS my friends came by the dining hall and we all chatted. and apparently im going to aldis tomorrow #DONT KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED but i needed something from the store #just one thing thats it.... i thought of buying snacks and the sort for gaiden but i aint gon subject people t me eating on stream #ill just go with my wack meal prep idea from before LMAO #anyway SIXTY REVIEWS THATS HEINOUS godspeed brother... thank you for your hard word ill do my best to make your work not go in vain #idk HOW but. i'll try not to be lame and low energy during stream I GUESS THATS ALL I CAN DO #boo about Money Aspect returning BUT ILL BE OPTIMISTIC. i wont let that sour me until i see it #i wonder how long the IW demo will be- what it'll HAVE if people are upset about the lack of saves #again i dont think it'll be terrible long- an hour is my min so id be surprised if it reaches two hours #it'd be epic if i could do all of gaiden before my routine since then i can cleanly divide the stream but we'll see

[warlordfelwinter]

it would be nice if spring here didnt come with wind gusting up to 45 mph like every day

#its like the air version of lake turnover #illinois will bring in the warm air but only if it can do it violently #its like we get a day of 70 but with storms and 50 mph winds #and then it'll be cold again soon #this is why i hate spring #bc it sucks here #it just does this cycle on repeat until summer and gives me headaches #personal

[al-coded]

EVERYONE PRAY FOR ME TO PASS THIS ONE FUCKING SUBJECT!!!!

pls istg i wanna pass so bad!!!!

#aaajdjdnbdndjsjdjd #i need all the help i can get #lmao #i basically ran out of brain bc i've been coding for the past four days trying to make new things for the program #and the circuit sucked me out dry so pls i just wanna pass this once bc it'll be the last time i have this type of subject #welp ig until my 5th semester but i can use the break and not doing it again in 5th semester #shitpost #al's college shitshow #college

[mychemikuromance]

Ruh roh..

#j talks #this is some personal / self image talk fyi so. proceed with caution i guess #anyways had the realization that i just. #don't actually take selfies anymore... #which idk. isn't that big of a deal but. then i was like. huh #maybe my self image issues are manifesting before my eyes oops #anyways. i need to cut my hair. i've needed to cut it for a long time but i told myself i couldn't until [redacted] #it'll get done in the next month...i hope. #i hate. being a person sometimes #also i have so much acne scarring....i've trying doing stuff for it and like. my acne in general is a LOT better but #it really does bother me and it sucks :/ #anyways i have to go back to telling myself i'm hot and fix my self esteem i guess #also have been having a gender identity crisis again but i think its just. that me vs the world feeling y'know #wow sleepy brain j go off i guess

[muqingists]

science explain. why i can never fucking sleep when i can't charge my phone at night

#the thing is i need to watch videos to fall asleep. otherwise i spiral lmao #so when i can't charge it i get stressed knowing it's running out of battery and i never know it it'll last long enough. or until morning. #anyways. this sucks ass it's 5:42 am and ive been awake 2h and just got back to bed after charging my phone in the living room lol #also why do i always get stuck w the bed that has no power outlet access. conspiracy against me #txt

[mayoiayasep]

ah yes. bad habits vs any sense of self preservation i have

#i want to stay up the whole night but i know i'll just be miserable but i dont want to sleep but god if i stay up much longer it'll suck- #-but i know that this is literally just my head talking so i can ignore it but god its going to suck going to sleep and i dont want to have #-to get up from the chair im in bc im so tired for no fucking reason and i still have practice tmr and god. #if i stay up im gonna start crying if i go to bed im gonna start crying. love loses #it took me 2 fucking hours to type this out bc i didnt want to complain too much but hey what the hell my brain hates me anyyway #vent #sorry lol being up until 1 am will do shit to your brain ig

[james-stark-the-writer]

I love being insane and rambling/loredumping for over an hour in a voice note about a niche thing in the lore/world of my nonexistent book that will probably never come up and is probably not important to the story at all that I know of because I haven't really started writing it yet besides two chapters and some snippets that were like a few years ago because I cannot be bothered to do research for a different WIP that is not even past the basic stages (the real inciting incident hasn't even happened) bc it's not a current priority before finishing the first draft that I have been working on for the last four years or the first draft of the other WIP I've been working on since the year two thousand and sixteen.

#just writer things #truly hate my brain sometimes like why am I getting trivia for a book I have barely written like 2 #20K* words for like I haven't even opened the doc for it in like 8 months and I haven't actually added anything for over 2 years now so. #I don't even have any particular plans to get to it until I at least finish the 2 WIPs I'm working on rn— #which includes one I've been writing the first draft for since 2018 and a basically done first draft of a WIP from like 2016 #both are missing the 3rd act bc I suck at writing cliamxes + my writing style for either books isn't suited for that so it'll take a while #like the 2016 one is at 120K words and literally only needs 1 more chapter and an epilogue so maybe like 20K more words. #there's supposed to be a big climactic battle which intersects the stories of approximately 25 named characters until the actual climax #which is another battle but more small scale but also more epic bc it's personal and magical #and I've literally already written the second battle but the buildup to the first fight is hard and so is the actual battle #then there's the WIP that's haunted me for the last 4ish years which is at 160K of an expected 200-220K and is entirely missing the 3rd act #like I have some stuff written and I did plan a structure for a bunch of the main plot stuff bc the book takes place over a strict timeline #but like the actual climax is mostly missing like I have the ending written. the ending is fully done. #I've had it written and planned for a WHILE bc it's supposed to lead into a future story and it has to happen this way #but idk how to get there just yet with a cast of almost 50 named characters to keep track of and 6 'main' plots although it's really 3 #like it's a lot to balance bc I prefer writing with larger casts and just getting things done is so hard #bc I physically can't do 'write later' to stuff bc those are some of the most important interactions to me and idk how characters act if— #I don't have those written precisely. it's sort of a story about the effects of the mundane. I literally can't 'write details later' this. #and in the middle of this nightmare — a 4 month writing drought — my brain in like 'here's a bunch of shit about a third story' #god sometimes I simply hate my brain #anyway yeah lol #truly just writer things #owad #anyway guess this is me sort of pivoting back to vomiting about writing on this blog #writbelr #writblr #james rambles #James yells in the tags

[bumpscosity]

my posts are sporadic rn bc it's late and i haven't had uninterrupted sleep for the past 4 days

#i know you're SUPPOSED to get up or whatever bc of science or something but like not for me #doesn't matter if i get 10 hours of sleep if i woke up one singular time i may as well have gotten 4 hrs #same for if i fall asleep late which like. they've all been 1am nights #i know exactly why it's happening i feel like it's too much detail to share online but #i basically just have to Endure until monday #which like. i can do it it just sucks. brain is much i keep bumping into shit my stomach is trying and failing to act normally #when i wake up in the morning my muscles don't work. like for the first 5 mins im awake i can't grab stuff. my grip is too soft #anyways that all sounds bad but it's not at a level where it's dangerous or scary or anything. mostly just annoying lmao #anyways i'm going to bed. i will not fall asleep for another hour and will wake up #at 3 or 4 random points in the middle of the night and it'll take me a while #every time to get back to sleep but yknow. better some sleep than none ig #oh_well_plays_the_cards_that_im_given.png #sassy speaks

[antiparticular]

I miss when exams were easy <//3

#its all fun and games joking about how im going to fail quantum mechanics until the quantum mechanics exam is tomorrow #i want to go back to first year were i could revise the day before and still get like 80% #this shit sucks 😔 #im so ready to no longer have any exams #'just do your work throughout the term and it'll be easier!' yeah well. neugh

[lovetheorem]

.

#broke up but it doesnt feel real yet auuuuuuuuuhhhhhh #we didnt even want to do itt gaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #the reasons were complicated but i still love himm :(((( #my delusion is telling me that it'll be months until things can go back to normal #my Rationalness says. it's so over #it still feels like i'll see him again this weekend #or spontaneously at some point of the week #but that's not happening any time soon #and i cant help but think like. hm. what if that was the best it's gonna get. #this sucks. this sucks a lot #it didn't even happen because we wanted it to like neither of us wanted this #goddamn it