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honeymoonjin · 3 years

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pairing: jimin x yoongi || genre: smut - nsfw 18+ word count: 6.7k warnings: dom!jimin, sub!yoongi, exhibitionism, BDSM, sub!jk feature very briefly, masochism, pain play, impact play, spanking, orgasm control/denial, untouched orgasm, frotting (i hope that’s right, i had to google it), crying during sex but in a fun liberating way u feel me, praise, mean-mugging, pet names

summary: jimin is used to keeping his professional bdsm life and his domestic married life separate, but when his husband yoongi comes in after a hard day at work, he wants to blur those lines.

A/N: i wrote this for the lovely and talented @joonsbean so thank her for inspiring me to actually write something, also this is unedited bc i just sat down for 6 hours to write this and i am not willing to stare at it a moment longer

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After a particularly resonant flick of the whip, Jimin eyes the way Jungkook's calves tense, left foot tapping the floor in an uneven stutter. He's starting to really feel it now.

He absentmindedly reaches his hand out to smooth the reddened flesh of Jungkook's ass, gently cooing at him quiet enough that his rapt audience won't hear. While the eager submissive was the biggest masochist of the regulars, and he was likely miles away from safewording, as a friend Jimin knew the long-haired boy had three hours of lectures the next day. He'd probably relish the sore ass and take it like a champ, but Jimin was soft on him, so he knew it was time to wrap it up.

Tilting his chin towards the dark, almost purplish streak just above Jungkook's thigh, he raises his voice to address the onlookers. "As you can see, when there's only one fall, like with a whip or a switch, the impact feels a lot sharper and concentrated. The thinner it is, that effect is only amplified. For that reason, I really recommend against switches and whips as a first-timer or if you're testing it out." Jimin can't help but beam at the way every person in the crowd listens to his spiel with clear enthusiasm. He got off on this kind of spotlight in a different way to the usual exhibitionism. Sharing his passion never failed to cheer him up. "Even though floggers can look more intense, as we saw when we were starting out, the impact is more distributed, more of a thud than a sting. Now," he breaks off, giving Jungkook's tender ass a final playful swat, making the boy jump, knuckles white as they clench the back of the chair he's bent over, "let's give our little prince a big round of applause for being so helpful for us today."

Jungkook positively keens at the cheers and wolf whistles that erupt from the crowd of at least thirty, his back arching and face buried between his meaty upper arms to hide the blush. Jimin gently massages the heated skin one last time, whispering instructions to head off to the side where his usual dom, Namjoon, was no doubt waiting.

The two had been playing for almost a year now, but Namjoon was still hesitant to venture into the heavier sadism that Jungkook sometimes needed, and the three of them had found a happy medium where Jungkook helped Jimin out with demonstrations, and Jimin indulged Jungkook's occasional desire for more intense pain play. As a thank you, Namjoon even helped Jimin out with his taxes just the month before, and Jimin quite often allowed them to reserve their favourite play rooms out of courtesy. A mutually beneficial arrangement, and it certainly came in handy to have Namjoon deal with aftercare while Jimin still had his demonstration to wind up.

Swinging the chair that Jungkook was previously bent over, Jimin takes a seat facing the audience and quirks a brow. "Alrighty, before we wrap up and I set you back into the wild, any questions?"

This line always had very different responses. Once, on a basic self-bondage informational session, there were so many single kinksters interested that there ended up being almost an hour of questioning, followed by an impromptu tutorial of safe handcuff use. More commonly, Jimin fielded a few confirming questions about what he'd shown, or something related but not overly relevant to the main topic at hand. More often than not, though, he'd find a string of people awkwardly hovering around him after the crowd had dissipated, too nervous to ask their question in front of the others.

This time, however, a single hand is thrust into the air, coming from the rough back third of the gathering.

"Yes?" Jimin calls out, squinting past the few stage lights and into the darkened crowd. He can't quite make out the face, but as soon as the rumbly voice begins to speak, he doesn't need the visual to recognise it.

"I was just wondering," his husband calls out, "could I speak to you in private?"

Jimin is so startled to hear Yoongi that for a moment he freezes on stage, totally silent. Never once had his husband of four years step a single foot into the dungeon Jimin worked at. Not intolerant of the kink world, Yoongi was simply paranoid about being recognised - a renowned human rights lawyer showing up to a BDSM dungeon dressed in leathers was a tabloid field day waiting to happen - and was happy for Jimin to continue working there whenever he wished.

Now, though, that unspoken rule that had kept these two worlds of Jimin's separate had shattered with a single question, and he felt cold shock drip down his spine.

"Uh," he begins eloquently, blinking himself out of it and plastering a collected smile on again, "of course! I'll be right with you once the show ends."

Jimin closes the session in a daze, answering a few questions about physical aftercare and the best materials and brands for impact play equipment on autopilot. It feels like an eternity passing in a single second, and before he's even processed it, the audience have moved on, and his husband is placing a gentle kiss of greeting on his temple, the same way he would when he'd get home from work in the evenings.

Mere minutes after he'd been in his usual dominant persona, Jimin feels himself melting like candy floss in Yoongi's arms, wrapping around him in their usual casual intimacy. "How are you here?" Jimin asks softly, snaking his arms under Yoongi's slate grey suit jacket, feeling the warmth radiate from his body, even through the expensive cotton shirt. "You're still dressed for work, baby."

Yoongi tenses slightly, gazing around the room. A few people are still milling around in small groups, chatting, but this close to the stage, him and Jimin are out of earshot. Still, he speaks lowly, dipping into the Daegu drawl that only makes an appearance when he's too stressed to think clearly. "I took a sick day. Or, I suppose, sick afternoon," he corrects, brows pinched together. "Had to get out. Can we- Is there a place we can have some privacy, please?"

Wide-eyed, Jimin jumps up out of Yoongi's embrace. "Oh, definitely, sorry!" He tamps down his rising concern by hooking his arm around Yoongi's, locking their fingers tightly as he leads his husband out of the auditorium and down a hall.

Being a matinee opening, the dungeon isn't too packed. Jimin prefers working the day shifts, likes that everything feels a little more personal and open. Nights, especially themed ones, get so busy that the gear and rooms have to be booked sometimes weeks in advance. Jimin does his fair share of DMing (they need all the help they can get) but doesn't like to run any scenes himself in the relative chaos.

But at 2pm on a Tuesday, it's easy enough to slip into one of the private rooms, switching the sign to occupied. There's no lock on the door for safety purposes, but nobody will dare enter while it's taken.

Yoongi steps in, eying the room with surprise. It's a relatively open space, with the walls lined with bookcases on one end, and a large wooden desk with some filing cabinets on the other. The desk itself has a comfortable-looking desk chair, and the opposite side has a single leather armchair like something from a therapist's office.

Although there is a wide window, it's covered with blinds, and Jimin knows from experience that it opens directly onto a brick wall for privacy. Instead, the room is lit from above with ceiling lights that are adjustable by a dimmer. Jimin leaves it bright.

Yoongi slowly makes his way to the black leather armchair, sitting down on it and leaning forward to inspect the desk. Absurdly large, it is mostly uncovered except for a diary with some unreadable scrawls on it, an ancient laptop that doesn't turn on, and a ruler. "Is this your office?" Yoongi asks incredulously.

Jimin cackles before he can help himself, moving forward to perch on the edge of the desk in front of Yoongi. "Does it look like I'd get anything done here? It's a play room, baby."

"Play room?" his husband replies dully, but Jimin doesn't miss the way his eyes are zoned in on Jimin's body, the intimidating leather jacket fixed with a tightly buckled belt around his waist, the skintight black jeans that barely contained his thighs, and perfectly glossed black dress shoes, his calling card amongst the typical stomping boots or knife-thin stilettos that most other doms wore. He always got dressed at the dungeon, leaving the house in unassuming sweatpants and a hoodie, so he gets no little satisfaction in relishing his husband's first reaction to the getup.

"That's right," he confirms with a smirk, crossing his legs. "We have five of them at the moment, though the sixth one is almost ready for use. This one is for your typical CEO or professor roleplays, we have a medical one, an interrogation one," Jimin rattles them off on his fingers, watching the way Yoongi's eyes bug out at each addition, "just a basic bedroom one for the vanilla stuff, one that actually looks like a dungeon, and the new one is gonna be an outdoor one."

"Outdoor?" Yoongi asks with a unsteady voice, before shaking his head to clear the thoughts. "Anyway, here is fine, I just- I had to get away from work, Minnie, and I... I was thinking..."

Jimin frowns in sympathy, leaning forward to stroke the back of Yoongi's hand. "I can leave early, I don't have anything else booked today, I was mostly planning on sticking to the social lounge-"

"I don't wanna go home," Yoongi slips in hurriedly, flipping his hand on the arm of the chair to link their fingers together tightly, though his eyes don't leave Jimin's for a second. "I know that you like to keep this job and our own love life separate, and I'm not going to force you, but- I came here because I want to submit to you."

Jimin's eyes widen, his breath catching in his chest. A switch at heart, Jimin had always found it a nice balance to indulge his dominant side here at work, and return home for Yoongi to take care of him, and it had always worked well. Even before they were serious, right in the early days of fucking like rabbits and pretending they weren't entirely smitten, Yoongi had always easily taken that more dominant role, though most of their sex to this day was far less kinky than the kind of demonstrations Jimin ran here. What Yoongi was asking wasn't just to be pampered and taken care of, but to be taken control of. And Jimin couldn't deny the ball of heat that was quickly building inside of him at that thought.

"Baby," he sighs, forcing himself to keep professionalism in mind, "I can't- We can't do anything here without you filling out some paperwork. The list of kinks and limits at the least. Not just as an employee, but as your husband, I gotta keep you safe."

"I know," Yoongi insists, and he frees his hand from Jimin's grip just long enough to plunge a hand into his pants pocket, pulling out a tightly folded piece of paper, handing it to Jimin.

Oddly enough, the folds are worn, not crisp, and as Jimin unfolds it, the text - printed in 12 point Times New Roman, because of course Yoongi would type it up with perfect formatting - has lost the freshly-printed gloss.

"I've been working up the courage to come here for months, Jimin-ah," Yoongi explains in a shy but determined voice. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to feel pressured at all either way, but please know that this is something that I've researched, and that I'm serious about." His solemn expression turns slightly cheeky, almost impish. "You literally make a living domming people, Minnie. I've been fantasising about it long before I even realised I wanted it."

A thrill of arousal runs through Jimin, straight between his legs, and he tightens his thighs, taking a settling breath. "Oh, baby," he coos, eyes dropping to read Yoongi's well-documented and organised list of kinks and limits, scanning over some surprising - and not-so-surprising - tidbits, "I'm gonna take such good care of you."

The air rushes out of Yoongi's lungs as he unconsciously scoots forward in the chair, leaning in. "Do we- Do we just start now, or do you need to go get some-" he breaks off, blushing violently, "some equipment?"

Jimin breaks into a broad smile, eyes crinkling as he steps forward, steps close, ringed fingers slipping into Yoongi's hair on either side, tipping his husband's face up as his chin rests on Jimin's lower abdomen. "Oh, my big boy wants to play with some toys, huh?" Jimin can feel when Yoongi swallows hard, his eyes not glossy with subspace, instead keen and sharp with pointed desire. "Don't worry, baby, this room isn't as empty as you think."

When he steps away, dropping all contact, Yoongi slumps like a puppet with cut strings, catching himself before he slips off the chair, instead lying back against it, chest heaving beneath the starch white of his dress shirt.

Jimin makes his way first to the bookshelves, looking back over his shoulder to catch Yoongi's reaction as he finds a notch in the framing and pulls, revealing that they aren't real shelves at all, simply disguised cabinets that swing open to reveal the hidden delights inside. The three closest to the desk are filled with clothes of all sizes, office-wear spanning pencil skirts to neckties to blazers, a few frumpy pieces that remind Jimin of dorky professors, even some school uniforms, cut far shorter than regulation.

With a grin, Jimin pulls at a pleated plaid skirt, smirking at Yoongi. "In the mood for dress-up, baby? Show off those pretty legs of yours."

Yoongi, still with some wits about him, narrows his eyes with a mock scowl, his disapproval clear.

Jimin sighs out wistfully, but lets it go. "Another time, maybe." Ignoring Yoongi's light scoff, he nudges the doors shut with his foot one at a time and moves to the last one, where the facade of stacked books hides a series of hooks nailed into the back wall.

Jimin doesn't need to even face Yoongi to know he's squirming in his chair - the squeaking leather gives it away. Strung up are floggers, whips, switches, and neatly coiled bundles of rope, catalogued by length. His husband had expressed interest in both impact play and bondage, several different types of both, and so it's no surprise that the sight of those fantasies had Yoongi breathing heavily. He leaves that cupboard open.

"There are so many things we could play with in here, baby," Jimin assures, patting the folded piece of paper that he'd slipped into his own pocket, "and your list was pretty extensive, so before we get started, any particular preference?"

Yoongi swallows again, hair slightly rucked up from Jimin's hands. Jimin can't wait to see it totally mussed up, see his husband in ruins, see him love it. With wary eyes on Jimin as he moves behind the desk towards the filing cabinets, Yoongi nods. "The- what you were doing with that guy on stage. I- I want that."

Jimin blinks, turning his back to his husband to mask his surprise, fingers hooking the edge of the top drawer of one of the cabinets, each one labelled alphabetically. "Is that so? We did a lot on that stage, baby, I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific."

Yoongi is silent for a moment, his breathing the only sound as Jimin carefully slides the drawer open, revealing neatly sectioned rows of anal plugs. He grins. A for Anal, B for Bondage, C for Chastity. The designers really took their job seriously, and he could appreciate the humour in it.

He lets Yoongi take his time, knowing that saying something is often the hardest part. Instead, he notes the location of the drawer marked P, and turns back to his husband.

Looking incredibly small, tucked up on the intentionally oversized armchair, Yoongi clears his throat, making shy eye contact. "The paddles," he says in a high tone, like he's unsure he's even using the correct word, "I want you to- to hit me with them like you did him."

"You want me to spank that pretty little ass of yours?" Jimin confirms, loving the way his husband goes bright pink.

"Y-yeah," he replies breathily, dropping his gaze. "Will you?"

Despite the raging fire inside him, Jimin's heart leaps fondly, so in love with his husband and all his endearing mannerisms. "Of course, baby. But let's start slow, hm? Gotta make your first time special, don't we?"

Yoongi laughs, then, full of air and barely audible, his lips lilting in a small smile that still shows his teeth.

Jimin tilts his head to the side. "What?"

With a tiny head shake, Yoongi contains his grin. "I just really wanna kiss you right now."

Jimin is moving before he's even finished speaking, his hip barely missing the corner of the desk in his haste to join his husband, knees straddling his lap without hesitation, holding those soft cheeks in both hands as he presses his lips firmly against Yoongi's, eyes fluttering shut.

Their parting kiss before Yoongi left for work this morning feels too long ago, and for a moment their new arrangement is forgotten as they fall into their usual motions, years of marriage making every inch of Yoongi's lips feel familiar, the bump of their noses and brush of eyelashes like home even in such a different environment.

With no rush, Jimin lets himself indulge in it, burying one hand in Yoongi's hair, carding through the choppy black locks that are no longer gelled back. His other hand slides down Yoongi's jaw, neck, and chest, tugging at the knot of his tie to loosen it. He makes no effort to be gentle, and his husband just groans into Jimin's mouth at the rough treatment.

It's all too easy to shift into his dom space, a practiced scale of gradually increasing intensity. It begins with the tie, but soon enough Jimin punctuates their ongoing kiss with hard sucks and quick nips of teeth, Yoongi tipping his chin up to drown in it more. Testing the waters, Jimin rocks his hips once against Yoongi's taut crotch and yanks once on a fistful of hair, baring the pale expanse of Yoongi's neck.

The debauched lawyer bucks beneath him, hands flying to grip tightly at Jimin's waist. His long, beautiful fingers and wide palm have always made Jimin feel weak at the knees, and feeling them grasp at him not in command but in desperation feels addictive.

"You like that?" he breathes, voice low enough to almost growl, and Yoongi shivers as he nods his affirmation. "Good," Jimin praises, and dives down, teeth grazing down the sensitive skin of Yoongi's throat, skimming until he feels the throb of his pulse point. Yoongi can't risk marks at work, certainly not in court, but it's a Friday, and Jimin is feeling more possessive than usual. He nips lightly but laps at the skin thoroughly, knowing the best he can get away with is a reddened bite mark which would fade over the weekend. The hickies were best saved for other areas, he knew.

Yoongi is panting like a horse now, air punched through his nostrils as he bites down hard on his own swollen lip. Jimin knows the effect he has on his subs, and grins against the glistening wet skin of Yoongi's neck at the hardness that has grown between his legs. "Wuh-want more, Minnie," he gasps out, "need more."

Jimin hums, making sure Yoongi can feel the vibrations in the hollow of his throat, sliding up to press kisses to that hyper-sensitive place just behind Yoongi's ear that always made him tremble.

It doesn't disappoint, Yoongi letting out a shaky breath as his arms wrap around Jimin's waist, trying to bring him closer.

Jimin doesn't let him, though, pulling back to sit on his haunches, running a thumb down Yoongi's reddened lower lip to watch the way it springs back into place. Yoongi sits still, eyes cloudy as he lets his dom for the night play with him. The thought pleases Jimin; that Yoongi truly was wanting this, truly was willing to give up control to him.

He spares a glance down between his own thighs, where the cool grey of Yoongi's slacks makes no attempt at hiding his bulging erection. Pouting in sympathy, Jimin reaches out with a single finger to trace the outline, watching the muscles in his husband's thighs tense as he fights to stay still. "So hard already, baby," Jimin drawls, "do you think that pretty little cock of yours can wait its turn while I spank you, hm? Can it be patient for me?"

Yoongi flushes, whining Jimin's name under his breath. "Yes," he admits, huffing out a reluctant sigh.

"Yes what?"

Yoongi grimaces at Jimin, but the dom just raises an expectant brow. "Yes, my- my pretty little cock can be patient for you," Yoongi murmurs in the quietest voice he can manage, cheeks red hot.

"That's my boy," Jimin beams, rewarding his husband by popping the button and pulling down the zip on the fly of Yoongi's slacks, releasing some of the pressure. Yoongi groans, deep in his throat, but his relief is quickly thwarted once Jimin stands up off him.

Making his way back to the filing cabinets, Jimin quickly slides open the one labeled P. Splayed out neatly lie five different paddles. Three are plastic, one a basic rounded shape, another that same shape only with several small holes drilled through for a sharper impact, and a final one a rectangular shape. The next one is hard wood, heavy, Jimin recalls, and the one tucked at the back is a softly upholstered pleather one for beginners. Then there's the ruler, of course, though that's a little cheesy for the current mood.

He assesses the five inside at his leisure, knowing every moment of anticipation will feel like an eternity to his husband, and finally makes a choice. He slides the cabinet drawer closed.

Yoongi makes a wounded, cut-off noise in his throat, but Jimin sends him a firm gaze.

"I'll give you what you want, baby," Jimin assures, wetting his lips, "but first I want to feel you myself. Pants and underwear off, jacket off, I want you bent over my desk."

Yoongi sucks in a sudden breath, but stands up on wobbly legs and slips off his blazer. It's probably too expensive to be dumping it on the chair behind him, but Yoongi clearly isn't worried about that as he kicks off his shoes and pants too, only hesitating once his fingers are hooked on the elastic waistband of his underwear.

"Off," Jimin demands harshly, "I won't ask again."

This time Yoongi obeys without delay, and Jimin takes great pleasure in watching the way his husband's cock leaps up once it's freed, pretty and pink and wetter than he'd ever seen it before. Though Yoongi always tended to top, his cock was smaller - more slender, at least - than Jimin's, but he loved it, loved that a hasty three fingers was enough prep on those times that they just couldn't wait to devour each other.

Now, though, with mussed hair and wrinkled shirt, naked from the waist down bar a pair of black ankle socks, Jimin's husband looked positively adorable in the most erotic way, and Jimin wanted nothing more than to make him wait, make him work to cum.

When Yoongi folds himself over the desk, side-on to Jimin to make use of the length of the surface, his hands awkwardly hover on either side of him, keeping himself slightly upright still. The back of his shirt is just long enough to cover the tops of his cheeks, and the sight of his rounded ass and dripping cock peeking through is enough to make Jimin actively restrain himself, taking a moment to breathe and appreciate this opportunity.

He steps forward, planting a hand between Yoongi's shoulder blades and presses, slow enough that Yoongi has time to move his face to the side to avoid banging his chin, but firm enough that there's no resisting. Yoongi goes willingly, however, his back arching as the table is just lower than his hips. Like this, no fabric obstructs Jimin's view, and he hums, pleased. "Good boy."

Yoongi trembles, his legs tight together and knees shaking just slightly. He's nervous at the vulnerable position, but no less aroused for it.

With the tip of his shoe, Jimin guides Yoongi's legs apart, until his socked feet are wider than his hips, until he needs to lean his weight onto the desktop to keep stable.

"That's it," Jimin praises, "my perfect little slut. So obedient."

Yoongi's right knee buckles at the exact moment that he hears the pet name, and Jimin grins. The piece of paper in his pocket had a long list of suggestions for names he was okay being called, and the dom couldn't resist picking out his favourite. The perfect mix of praise and degradation, it flowed so well on his tongue; the smooth, melodic sounds punctuated by the sharp hit of the t. Slut. Jimin muffles a groan, pressing on his own straining erection.

Unable to help himself, he reaches out, both hands grabbing at the plush ass cheeks in front of him, spreading them to watch the way Yoongi clenches at the sudden exposure. This must be what he looks like when they play together, Jimin thinks. He wonders if Yoongi is enjoying the change in pace just as much as he is.

"I'm going to start you off with just my hands, baby," he introduces, running a palm under the hem of his shirt and up Yoongi's spine to watch the way he shivers. "I'm sure you're well aware of the traffic light system, hm? Tell me what the colours mean."

Yoongi shifts, fingers curling uselessly against the tabletop as his eyes remain squeezed shut. "Red means stop, yellow means slow down, green means go," he recites, the exact phrasing off the dungeon's website, and Jimin bends down to press a single soft kiss on the top of Yoongi's ass as a reward, making him twitch violently. "Fuck, Jimin-ah," he sighs, arching his back even more.

Jimin grins. "Good. I'm adding another colour, just for you," he explains. "Gold. Can you guess what gold means?"

Yoongi swallows, shifts his weight, and shakes his head.

Jimin digs his fingers into the flesh of Yoongi's ass, watching them pillow in roughly. "Gold means more. Gold means harder. Okay?"

Yoongi nods quickly, hair even more tangled with every movement.

"Good boy," Jimin croons, and without further comment his left hand rises and comes down in a single strike.

Yoongi seizes up for a second at the shock of it, but there's no power behind the hit, and his brain realises a moment later that no pain follows the loud noise. He huffs in need and pushes his hips back, silently asking for more. "Gold, g-gold," he mutters offbeat, already panting.

Jimin hums in pleasure, and swats his right cheek this time, feeling a sting bloom across his palm. Still not nearly the hardest he can go, it's clearly not enough for Yoongi, as he remains stoic, waiting for more.

The next time, Jimin lets his hand really catch the air on the way down, but he doesn't stop at one hit, raining down three in quick succession on the same spot. Yoongi breathes through the first impact, freezes in surprise at the second one, and an unbidden moan falls out of his mouth at the third.

"Mm, that's better, isn't it?" Jimin muses rhetorically, soothing the slightly pinked patch of skin with his warmed hand. "Just need a bit more pain to let go."

"Please," Yoongi breathes, "jus' keep going."

"Bossy," Jimin teases, "I'm meant to be giving you orders, baby. If you don't quit it, I might not give you what you want at all."

"Sorry, I'm sorry, ple-please hit me again," Yoongi begs mindlessly, and Jimin can't help but indulge him, his husband sounding so pretty when he whines.

When he returns to spanking again, it's in earnest. Instead of pausing to check in each time, he relies on his husband's telling cues to moderate it, as well as the sweet pleas of gold, gold every time Jimin spent too long between swats.

Much like the rest of him, Yoongi's ass blooms candied pink, and with every strike, Jimin can't help but venture further, wanting to colour him in all over. The spanks that fall on Yoongi's upper thighs make him restless, squirming and moaning wordlessly. The ones that land on the fatty portion of his ass have him sighing happily, crooked smile slicked in drool against the wood of the desk.

The two of them slip into an unspoken rhythm for a while, alternating these hits on either side, of varying number and intensity, until Yoongi has almost fallen into a trance of sorts, mouth hanging open slackly as a whine or moan or whimper is falling out of his mouth with every single thwack.

Jimin's arm begins to tire, and just as he pauses to shake out the joints, Yoongi pants a, "wait, wait," making him pause.

It takes a moment for Yoongi to catch his breath, but Jimin waits patiently, scanning his ass and thighs for any sign of something that could be causing undue comfort, but he comes up short. With a weak, slurred voice, Yoongi lets out a sob. "I wanna use the paddle, Minnie, I wanna feel it," he pleads, "I've h-had enough of the spanking."

Jimin furrows his brows in concern, massaging out the sore tissue as Yoongi goes lax beneath him. "If you've had enough, baby, we should stop. I don't wanna push you."

Yoongi actually tears up, biting hard on his lip as he shakes his head. "Please, Minnie, just a few times, I just need it to be- to be heavy. I don't know, but I need it. Gold, please gold."

"Okay," Jimin is agreeing softly, squatting down to press reassuring kisses against the hot flesh, feeling his own palm stinging. He leaves only to slide open the drawer of paddles, selecting the wooden one. He knew from subspace himself that sometimes those base, thoughtless needs stemmed from something deeper, from an emotional need tangled up daily life. Once, in the early days of doing demonstrations at the dungeon, Jimin had gotten stage fright and done such a poor job of a fingering tutorial that the sweet sub he was working on didn't even cum. He'd come home to Yoongi bawling in humiliation, and his husband had lain him down on their bed and made him cum so many times that he couldn't even think, couldn't move a single limb. Now, Jimin had no doubt that the need to feel a heavy impact had something to do with the reason Yoongi had taken an uncharacteristic sick day.

Talking about it wouldn't help, would only break the escapism of the scene, so Jimin just runs the face of the wooden paddle over Yoongi's sore ass, letting him grow accustomed to the feel and texture. "Just two hits," Jimin declares, "one on each cheek. No more. Focus on them, baby. Eyes closed, just feel them."

He waits until Yoongi settles, spreading his legs wider with wiggling toes, and catching his breath, one hand pressed over his teary eyes.

Jimin swings the paddle backwards, not up, and lets it impact on Yoongi's left cheek first, a wet, strangled moan leaving his husband's mouth at the thuddy feel. The wooden paddle didn't hurt like spanking or a lighter paddle. It was about the weighty feel of it hitting your skin, a light hit so as not to cause bruising.

A line of tension disappears between Yoongi's clothed shoulders, the sweaty fabric clinging to his back. He's calmed down, fully, waiting patiently for the second strike. The second Jimin rains that final hit, he drops the paddle onto the carpeted floor, exhausted himself, and moves around to the side of the desk, bending awkwardly over it to press his mouth to Yoongi's, who makes a muffled sound of surprise before responding in turn.

Jimin's hand is curled around the nape of his husband's neck, keeping him close as tears mingle with spit, their kiss salty and desperate.

He feels a vibration between them before he hears anything, has to focus hard to hear Yoongi as he chants over and over like a prayer, thanking Jimin.

He slows the kiss after a sweet eternity, letting their heartbeats return to normal. Jimin's own eyes sting, love and concern a potent combination, but as the adrenaline settles back to normal, Yoongi calms down too, and seems to come back to himself.

He pulls away to let out a tired breath, laughing voicelessly. "Fuck," Yoongi curses with eyes still closed in bliss. "I get it now."

Jimin beams, a chuckle leaving his own lips as he sees the peace on his husband's face. After a moment, though, a frown appears as Yoongi furrows his brows. "What is it?"

"My dick hurts," Yoongi whines, managing to get his elbows under him to lift his chest from the table, head in his hands.

Jimin startles, standing bolt upright as he rushes down to look for any injury. "Oh shit, did I hit it?"

The laugh returns, bubbling out of Yoongi as he turns himself with great effort onto his back, chest still rising and falling dramatically. "No, Jimin-ah, don't worry," he assures, wincing when his ass-cheeks meet the unforgiving surface of the desk. "But if I don't cum soon, I think it's gonna explode."

Jimin's mouth falls open, relief and disbelief flooding his veins equally as he's faced with Yoongi's cock, so flushed with blood it's almost purple in places. "I- Okay, do you- do you want me to get you off, or do you want to keep playing?"

Yoongi looks at him like he's insane. "I mean... Preferably both, Minnie."

After the moment of scare, it takes surprisingly little time before that thrum of arousal is dialed up again, and Jimin smirks, running his hands up and down Yoongi's inner thighs to watch the way he naturally and obediently parts them for him.

"Do you know what I realised, baby?" Jimin coos, stubbornly avoiding the weeping cock in front of him. Yoongi mutters a weak response. "I realised that so far I've been doing all the work so far, haven't I? That isn't really fair, wouldn't you agree?"

Wary, Yoongi pauses and nods, the blur of tears long since replaced by the haze of arousal, of subspace beginning to creep in once more.

"I'm glad we're on the same page," Jimin drawls, flattening a hand heavy on the soft flesh just above Yoongi's cock, making the man moan and wriggle to escape the pressure. "So I think, if you want to get off, you should put a little work in yourself. Make some effort, baby."

Yoongi takes a few heaving breaths, before slowly, so carefully, lowering his hand down to wrap around the base of his cock, immediately groaning at the touch. He's leaked so much precum that it takes a single shaky stroke to coat the sensitive skin, and a relieved smile spreads over his face at the thought that he's finally going to get off.

But where's the fun in that?

"Don't you think you're being a little selfish?" Jimin spits stiffly, and flicks once at the very tip of Yoongi's dick.

His husband practically howls, curling up with a depraved cry. "Wha-at?" he sobs, hand trembling as it hovers on his thigh, fighting his desire. "What do you want, Minnie?"

"How sweet of you to ask," Jimin praises in a sugar-sweet voice, reaching down to unzip his own jeans. "Those hands are big enough to fit the both of us, aren't they?"

Blearily, Yoongi looks down as Jimin slips his aching cock out from his pants, fitting himself between Yoongi's spread legs so that their bobbing lengths bump together.

Even that contact is enough to make Yoongi hiss, but he's desperate and so he nods quickly, fingers trembling as they grab Jimin's cock, pinning them together in his grip. He pauses, panting as he stares up at Jimin for permission.

Jimin smiles placidly, bending forward to press a single chaste kiss to his husband's lips. "I don't want you cumming before I do, okay?" he asks sweetly, though the threat is thinly veiled.

Using the strength of his abdomen to lift his upper half off the desk, Yoongi stabilises himself with an elbow while his other hand jerks the two of them off together, thumb running over the sensitive heads, paying extra attention to Jimin's.

"That's it," Jimin groans, biting hard on his tongue. Truth be told, it was hard enough for him to hold back, feeling threads of an orgasm already knitting together in his stomach. But he's not willing to let go of the pretty sight of Yoongi just yet, so debauched and far gone as he shivers with every stroke, torn between making Jimin cum and preventing his own climax.

After mere minutes, Yoongi has collapsed back onto the desk, ankles curled around Jimin's back to hold him close, hand shaking violently.

"Please," he begs occasionally, but the moment his hand slows down to give himself a break, Jimin pinches his inner thigh in warning. They both knew marks there were allowed.

It's not until Yoongi is quite literally biting down on his own knuckles to hold back an orgasm that Jimin can't keep himself from cumming anymore.

Greedily, he runs his hands over Yoongi's sides, skimming the shirt up to put his chest on display, flicking at the delicate pink nipples. Jimin cums so hard he almost buckles forward onto Yoongi, spurting white all over Yoongi's hand and cock.

He holds himself up shakily, spouting praises to Yoongi as the wave of pleasure rushes through him, making his toes tingle and his fingers curl, scratches down Yoongi's chest and stomach.

"Oh, god, I'm gonna- Mi-Minnie, can I cum, oh fuh-fuck, no!"

One last liberty taken in his time as Yoongi's dom, Jimin pulls himself away, pinning Yoongi's wrists to the table and watching as his cock, dripping white, bobs desperately in the air, seeking friction.

Yoongi babbles pleas and curses, hips jerking, but it only takes Jimin leaning down, blowing a single thin stream of cool air over Yoongi's cock for Yoongi's thighs to tense. He cums, untouched, shuddering and seizing on the table as Jimin takes mercy and wraps his hand around him to stroke him through it.

"Look at you," Jimin croons in wonder, watching cum spill between his fingers, the two of them mixed together indistinguishably. "Baby, you look perfect like this. Please tell me you want to do that again."

Yoongi makes a strangled, guttural noise as he goes limp on the table, legs dangling off the edge. "Fuck, not right away, you demon," he protests grumpily, "now come kiss me again."

With a fond beam, heart so full with love and post-orgasm endorphins that he can barely handle it, Jimin tugs him up by his forearms and joins their mouths together, Yoongi's one dry hand tangling in his hair as he smiles into the kiss.

It takes only a few moments, however, for the sticky reality to sink in, and soon enough Yoongi is parting, letting his forehead rest against Jimin's. "I don't suppose there are any wet wipes in here?" he ventures.

Jimin chuckles, leaning back. "Cleaning materials in the desk drawers," he divulges.

With crazy sex hair and wide eyes, Yoongi makes quite the picture. "Fuck, I love this place. Let's try the interrogation one next time, yeah?"

#bts smut #bts fic #jimin smut #yoongi smut #yoonmin #yoonmin smut #yoonmin fic #jimin fic #yoongi fic #dom jimin #sub yoongi

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willowistic22 · 3 years

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Van life!newsies headcanons

Hello, i have recently been obsessing and/or pining over living in a van/bus. So i will project my pining to my favorite pretty paper boys like what everyone does in the newsies fandom! Very healthy and smart idk lol so here’s my take on this au for each of my ships!

*i know some ppl might not agree with all these ships but these are just my personal favorites pls don’t come after me for something i like :)*

@jaelynn-is-slightly-confused thanks for deciding which headcanons i should write first :)

A pretty long list so you might have to sit down for this one

Javid

They converted an old american school bus

I actually have a headcanon that modern!jack comes from a rich family (maybe not the family his parents were born into but his parents worked pretty hard to be successful y’know) so that’s how they were able to buy an old school bus

So they were able to fit in a shower (not one of those foldable kinds) and a built in toilet. A pretty decent kitchen. A stove, oven, microwave, and all the other utilities necessary. Was able to fit both a washing machine and a dryer. Has a proper closet.

To fit davey’s needs, they put in a tiny book shelf. But it’s too tiny to fit in all of davey’s book (he’s got a shelf full) and was forced to give some of them away he cried a little. Jack did the same for his art supplies he cried a lot.

Jack is an illustrator and Davey is a writer. (Davey the hopeless romantic Jacobs mostly writes romance wow what a shocker) If Jack can find the time to paint on a canvas he will. It usually ends up getting sold which he doesn’t mind.

Jack painted every inch of the bus exterior wow we’re all so shocked no we aren’t I lied :) "Jack why...” “We need to be festive when we travel, Dave!” *face palms*

They have one cat which is still nameless in my head so ://

Newsbians

They live in a school bus

Kathrine’s a Pulitzer so you know how they can freely afford it (now that i think abt it i think old school busses sell for really cheap prices but idk)

The shower and closet are a must have for Kathrine. She takes over most of the closet space and takes the longest in the shower. Sarah is a foodie so she built herself a whole kitchen and Kathrine is not allowed to touch anything without her permission. Even fitting in a huge fridge. They also fit in a proper working desk and a couch. Also made some sort of balcony on top of their bus so they can stargaze on top of there

Kathrine is a reporter and Sarah is a physician in the telemedicine industry (she meets patients through video calls and such, not face to face)

Morning coffee is a tradition for them at this point. They cannot drive the bus without having one cup of coffee

They have two cats still nameless too ://

Ikeshot (lmao moving to my rarepairs so quickly. i mean i originally reserved the van life headcanon for them but i got too obsessed and now i’m writing this list hehe)

They settled with a sprinter van

it started just as an idea for their honeymoon to do a road trip around the us, but it ended up being longer than a hundred days of honeymoon and it turns into being their first proper room

Their shower is built in and it can only fit one person. The bed takes up the whole back space. Their closet is kinda small but they don’t mind bcs Ike mostly lives in Hotshot’s clothes anyways. The kitchen is limited but they have a pullout barbeque at the back of their van, under their bed. Hotshot is a master at barbequing.

Ike is a translator and interpreter. He also uses his hobby in crocheting to build a small business he makes cardigans :) (credit to @violetwolfraven for that little idea) Hotshot is an accountant. Very boring ik but i have a headcanon he’s good with numbers so that’s cool (well idk i feel like he’s good with math and economics)

Bringing the playstation has always been a priority, so they built in a tv. They like to chill in the bed and play together. Mario kart is a ruthless game

Occasional weird midnight dancing sessions is a tradition

they have a cat named Sparks and a dog named Lewis. It’s a dalmatian which made Hotshot tempted to name him Spot :)

*cut to a vicious argument between Spot and Hotshot which was also egged on by Ike and Race*

Jomike (ok look i love my rarepairs alright pls let me ship in peace)

They got a sprinter van

Their kitchen took up most the space bcs mike and jojo are practically professional chefs. When asked to throw down in the kitchen, they will thRO W D O W N

They even use a teal palette specifically for their kitchen. They have a one person shower but no built in toilet. a fair amount of plants as decoration. in the back of their van, they have a built in pull out dining table and two benches (built under their bed so they’d have to stop and open the back door to have a proper dinner)

Jojo is a reporter and mike is a computer programmer. Their job requires a proper desk to work on so they just installed a foldable table in between their seats up front.

their clothes are just stored in cabinets since they share anyways. it leaves a good amount of wall space to play a projector for netflix *cue the soft cuddling in bed*

breakfast in bed is the most on brand thing for them to do

they have a cat named Dixeleta. She’s an outdoor cat so they have fun doing outdoor activities together. Hiking, kayaking, etc.

Sprace

They live in an old sprinter van Spot got from an old family member

They have the type of bed that can turn into a living room (seats and table etc). They use a foldable shower bcs they want the space. Their kitchen can be extended out with a latch by their sliding door but that’s only when they need to use a stove and oven. Since they’re the type of people that just throws on the closest clothes they can grab they just use cabinets to store their clothes.

ok i’ve mentioned it before about sprace but i’ll mention it again. They have three cats named Racecat, Spot Clawlon, and Romeow :D all named by race if you’re wondering.

So Race is a social media manager and Spot is a physician in the telemedicine industry.

They’re very lazy to constantly look for a coin laundry service. They make a schedule to do the laundry once a week but sometimes they just forget.

Their first drive of the day will always include karaoke. They can’t tell whether their cats love or hate their singing voice most likely the latter but they’re in denial.

They cuddle each other in bed with their cats. While watching tv, to sleep, or just chilling together.

Redfinch

They got a mini bus

They have a built in shower, bathroom, and closet (not sure why since they don’t really care about their clothes all that much) They have a proper kitchen, fit a washing machine and dryer, plus a little seating area with a small table

They have two big doberman named Zara and Zoey and a cat named Marbles. Pretty outdoor pets so they frequently take them out for hikes and such

They have a ‘balcony’ on top of their mini bus to chill together. As in all five of them :)

Finch is a music producer and Albert is a photographer and videographer. Albert mostly works with tourist as their personal photographer, but he has land gigs with big companies/people. Finch works with a label that has given him to opportunity to work at home but sometime still need to stop by a studio to meet with artists or other producers.

Finch only needs space to store his laptop, notebooks, and guitar (but he ends up hanging it on the wall anyways). Albert takes up a whole cabinet for all of his equipment.

Not Finch waking up at an ungodly hour when a spark of inspiration comes to him, which ends up waking everyone in the bus. *cut to Albert furiously dragging him back to bed*

They installed a tv near their bed for playstation sessions or cuddling throughout a movie

Their driving karaoke is usually accompanied by their dogs which only tortures Marbles. She hides under the blanket to save her ears. smart cat hehe

Snipesmalls (Never wrote anything for them but I do love these girls :))

They converted a mini bus

Sniper takes up most of the closet space, but it doesn’t matter because they share clothes anyways. A built in toilet and shower. Their kitchen has a navy blue theme to it. It was Smalls’ idea. They have a washing machine and dryer and also a proper dining table.

Sniper is a nurse in the telehealth industry (basically just like telemedicine but deals with more than just clinical services) and Smalls is a medical transcriptionist.

They have an Australian Shepherd named Blue. It’s because of her blue eyes it’s so beautiful :O Blue likes to stick his head out while driving.

They have a built in tv for their playstation and movies but sometimes they bring out the projector to watch while chilling outside.

They have done the most traveling. Hopping from the US to Europe and Asia.

They may like to share clothes but Sniper really likes to be fashionable wherever she goes. “Ok so since we’re planning to go hiking tomorrow, which hat should I use?” “Sniper, we’re hiking up a mountain, not a vogue fashion runway” “And so what if I pretend we are? Use your imagination babe! Now which one?” *sighing*

It is a nightmare to convince Sniper to give away some of their clothes She cries every time her clothes are being given away but gets happy when they go shopping for new ones and it’s the same cycle every time this happens

They also like to go to music festivals and have picnics together

Blush

They live in a mini bus

They rarely buy clothes or give them away plus they share clothes so the closet is pretty small but hella messy because they’re lazy at folding their clothes away. A simple built in shower and also a foldable toilet. The kitchen is pretty equipped because Mush is a master chef. They have a little seating area with a table. Alternating as a working desk and dining table

Mush is a dietitian and Blink is a therapist, both in the telemedicine industry.

Neither is allowed to drive if they haven’t gotten their morning coffee

Mush is mostly then one doing the karaoke while Blink drives

they like to have picnics together

goes to random concerts. it doesn’t need to be a really big artist. they’d simply be happy if they get tickets to any sort of concert. They prefer to see local underground artists to discover more music and such but they sometimes save up to watch big artists too.

they’ve only been around the us and canada but are planning on going to other countries too

Belmerttons

they live in an old school bus

So buttons is a huge fashionista so there is a proper closet and drawers that are mostly used by himself. A built in bathroom and the door has a mirror per buttons request. they also fit a washing machien and dryer in the bus per buttons request too. Their bed is full of decorative pillows and a few stuffed animals per elmer’s request. Their kitchen is small but does the trick. also has a little seating area with a table

Buttons is a fashion stylist but also a designer. Elmer is a math tutor for all ages

they love going to different kind of events and festivals. one of the reasons why they wanted to live on the road in the first place

to get buttons to give away his old clothes, elmer has to assure him it’s for a good cause bcs buttons loves all his clothes. Buttons still get a little sad and pouty when those days come but picks himself up again when elmer offers a disney movie night on the projector with some snacks

oh yes, they bring lots of snacks on the road

They have a cat. still nameless soz

the cat is very fluffy and sheds a lot. which is kind of a problem especially on buttons clothes

“you’re lucky you have a cute face” -buttons while he’s cleaning the fur off his clothes

Spromeo

they live in a mini bus but kinda looks like a hippie van (idk how to describe it but it’s a mini bus with a hippie kind of style to it yknow)

they have two separate areas in the bus. one up front where the driver and passenger seat is. also coupled with a tiny sofa and a table. that’s where they do their work and dine. very comfy and cozy.

it’s seperated by a thin wooden wall. through the doorway is where the rest of their living quarters are. a bed, small kitchen but fully equipped, a shower, and foldable toilet. instead of a closet, they use a dresser since they don’t really have many clothes anyways

so specs is a history teacher and tutor for all ages. (he’s a history nerd hehe). Romeo is a photographer and cinematographer. mostly a tourist photographer (kinda like albert yknow)

specs likes reading history books, but he mostly does his reading on his tablet and laptop to save space. the same for romeo and comics btw

their bed is full of pillows

they have a cat named snowy. a lazy indoor cat. but she loves to cuddle with them in bed

they’ve also done some traveling to other countries. mostly neighboring countries but are dreaming of going to places in europe and asia.

they enjoy doing lots of board games when they’re not driving

romeo has a ukulele which he constantly uses to serenade to specs. sometimes to snowy but mostly specs

woah that was long akjghflkjasfbj; h. will i write a oneshot with this headcanon? maybe but who knows. just needed to put it out there that i’m pining on living on the road with the loml and some cats and go on an adventure together. anyways hope whoever reads this enjoy and sorry for writing a long headcanon list hehe

#n e wayssss #newsies #random writing #javid #newsbians #ikeshot #jomike #sprace #redfinch #snipesmalls #blush #belmerttons #spromeo #yes yes very good pining rai #look at that :)#amazing

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spircling · 4 years

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[ ZOEY DEUTCH / POLYTROPOS / HEBE / MUSE 21 ] / [ ESTHER GOODWIN ] is a [ TWENTY-ONE ] year old [ ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE ] major. [ SHE ] is/are known for being [ CREATIVE & LOYAL ] but [ SCATTERBRAINED & IMPULSIVE ]. when i think of them, i imagine [ OVERSTUFFED SUITCASES, RAMBLING FOR LONGER THAN YOU REALIZED, & LOTS OF EARRINGS ]. and even though they’re a proud HU student now, we all have our roots. theirs run back to them being a [ MHP (AQUA) ] graduate. i asked around and it turns out they [ AREN’T ] an AOP student. in their interview, they managed to woo the admissions team by [ WOWING THEM WITH HER KNOWLEDGE OF GHOSTS AND HAUNTINGS ]. i guess that’s all there is to know! unless…

uhhh hi hello, i am lena and i am stoked as fuck to be here ! i have ms. esther who is... one of my most precious and chaotic muses- i wrote this mostly at 3am so bear with me, below the cut are some things etc etc, plz love us xoxo

tw: eating disorder mention

basics: full name: esther emerald goodwin birthday: january 27 (aquarius) hometown: silver city, nm sexuality: pansexual, panromantic positive traits: kind-hearted, accepting, loyal, creative negative traits: impulsive, indecisive, scatterbrained, oversensitive hogwarts house: hufflepuff moral alignment: chaotic good

background: - was born to two hippies in new mexico - her parents were constantly moving around, livin a nomadic lifestyle and bringing their kid with them (but her paternal grandparents own a home and always made sure that esther had a safe place to come back to if she needed it bc they are, thankfully, loaded) - her parents NEVER disciplined her and treated her more like a friend, so esther has rly never learned how to be a Real Adult - her parents pulled her out of schools ALL the time to travel and go to a new one bc they said that was a better education than actual school - she used to play the bongos on street corners while her mom played a guitar and her dad sang and that’s how she got an allowance, she’s never had an actual job (tgod her grandparents had money and supported her, they ADORE esther, she’s their only grandchild) - it was only when she got to mhp that she stayed for anywhere longer than a year, it was the first place she got to be long-term - her dad went to mhp and, so, her grandparents were like esther will too and she was like chill, cool, sounds fun - tw eating disorder since sophomore year of hs, esther has struggled a lot w her body image; she was in a relationship with a rly shitty guy and she started feeling less and less confident and she fell into patterns of disordered eating; she started seeing a therapist, she’s doing a LOT better now, but still struggles sometimes - ANYWAY, heavy stuff over - esther literally cannot believe that she got into this school and she has to try RLY hard to make good grades bc she’s not just ~naturally~ gifted with academics - she spends her days studying, ghosthunting, and telling everybody to SAVE THE BEES - she wants to use her environmental science degree to basically think of more ways to conserve bees’ habitat and to try and stop climate change, she loves the earth

personality: - very optimistic, positive person- LOVES life - not the Most intelligent- well, bookwise at least, she knows a lot about the world, she’s survived so far SO - participates in activism, is a ‘save the bees’ type bitch and does a lot of environmental/climate activism- thus why her major is environmental science - literally has a tattoo of two bees on her wrist - a… meme of a human - pansexual (me? playing a straight chara?? not in THIS gay lifetime!!) - very sweet - kinda a Dumb Bitch - can be Quite annoying- very overbearing, wants to be friends w and talk to everyone - very flighty and all over the place, ALWAYS needs to be moving - also… kinda sensitive, not ashamed of crying - is a ghost hunter for fun and has a podcast where she talks about ghosts and whatever the fuck else she wants - snap decisions?? her Brand !! - is a Good Friend and is always willing to be there for the people she cares about - has trust issues and is bad at relationships bc she always snaps into flight mode and peaces tf out bc she is SCARED

possible connections: - best friends- give the girl her PEOPLE, her pals she does stupid shit w and can rely on for anything and everything - exes- esther likes the idea of a relationship, but doesn’t know how to be in a stable one- also ex plots FUEL me so ???? plz?? - ghost hunting buddy- give her a podcast co-host thanks - hookups/fwbs- esther is… not smooth, but she is a people person and likes sex SO - flirtatious friendship- esther is close enough w this person that she is NOT a totally awkward human, they just tease one another and flirt constantly - skeptics- give her someone that doesn’t believe in ghosts- she will try to convince you otherwise At All Times - enemies- esther doesn’t ???? hold grudges or hate anyone but ??? she can be Too Much for some people

but, ya know, i’m down for anything!! so give me a like or come find me via ims, discord, or carrier pigeon! xoxo byeeeeee

#hatchet:intro

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kodibitesback · 4 years

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kodi !

⧼ banita sandhu, cis female, she/her / “heads will roll” by yeah yeah yeahs + the aroma of garlic spilling out from the curry joint that you walk past on the way home from the ministry that doesn’t smell like your dads’ kitchen but still sets your mouth watering with a hunger insatiable that you must walk away from empty, empty, empty; the heartbeat tattoo of bare feet as you move through your mudras in the dark, a goddess of shadow, a creature of the night; the mirror that you stupidly brought across the atlantic and have subsequently left to gather dust among the unpacked boxes in your ground-floor apartment because you know when you look, you won’t know any better whether you like who you are, forever. ⧽ ━━ hey, isn’t that POONKODI “KODI” ADALARASU? i read a daily prophet article on them, once ; the TWENTY-SEVEN year old muggleborn WITCH & VAMPIRE is an ILVERMORNY alumnus who has gone on to be an AUROR. i’ve heard she can be quite SCINTILLATING & UNFLINCHING, but i don’t know… she came off very RASH & EMBITTERED in that interview. it really is hard to know what to believe these days though, isn’t it?

pinterest // playlist

QUICK STATS

name: poonkodi rainbow hearts adalarasu [POON-koh-dee UH-the-luh-rah-suh]; goes by “kodi” almost exclusively [sees the use of her full name as more personal] age: 27 [technically physically 25 as she was bitten two years ago] gender: cis woman, she/her sexuality: lesbian/queer blood status: muggleborn, in british terminology. raised by two loving and bohemian indian-american no-maj fathers. her parents thought she got a scholarship to a boarding school and then became a cop. now they think she’s dead. creature status: vampire, brand new. bitten while on the job. nearly died. trauma central. she’s still working on finding a good british brand of glamour charms, which she uses on and off to hide or show her status. alma mater: ilvermorny, wampus house. patronus: was a kingfisher. is now a bat, to her consternation. wand: 11 inches, whippy, pine wood with a wampus hair core and pearl inlay. manufactured by a descendant of johannes jonkers profession: auror with the british ministry’s department of law enforcement, auror office. was senior for her age in her division back in washington, dc, was once a wunderkind. hired in london as part of the shacklebolt administration’s diversification and beings’ rights initiatives. residence: a very dark, windowless ground-floor apartment in london pets: none. animals don’t like her anymore. likes: loud music, dancing (club or indian classical), stupid videos, working late, thick blankets, sandals, urban exploration, midnight conversations, quodpot, adventure, decisive action, aggressive flirting, inadvisable makeouts, dueling, bar brawls, making bad vampire jokes about herself dislikes: shy people, boredom, coffee (the smell alone), wet socks, sad movies, arts and crafts, meditating (but she’s trying to do it anyway), being psychoanalyzed, the prospect of eternity, people she doesn’t like making bad vampire jokes about her

BIOGRAPHY

[Triggering subjects in backstory include references to suicide, blood, violence, death.]

Kodi was a much-loved, much-wanted child. She had two dads, both Indian-American, one a Tamil classical dancer from a whole line of dancers and one a Punjabi art therapist. Her biological mother is her fathers’ best friend, a classical dancer of Punjabi descent. She played the role of a quirky aunt in Kodi’s life; Kodi called her by first name. Largely, she was raised by a village of multicultural artsy queer people who encouraged unconventionality in her. Precocious and bright, Kodi had an unwavering sense of justice and purpose from an early age that often set her at odds with her more free-wheeling little community. She was a charming child but sometimes unnervingly serious for her age. While she was a skillful Bharatanatyam dancer, she never wanted to be an artist. She always wanted to be a hero.

When she learned about her magic and what that could mean for her future, she had to make a decision. The strict division between No-Maj and wix in the United States meant that she was encouraged not to tell her parents that she was a witch. She thought that they would love to know about the existence of magic, but she wanted something to be her own for once. She wanted something to be her secret. She didn't think they could keep it secret at all. They’d probably do performance art about the role of magic in society or something. In the end, she decided to lie, not knowing that as the years went on, the lies would only grow. So her parents believed she had been accepted to a prestigious boarding school for gifted children, and in fact, she had: Ilvermorny in Massachusetts. She was a smash hit at Ilvermorny with dozens of friends, good at anything she really poured her heart into, which was mostly anything that had to do with fighting Dark wix. She decided from the day that she met her favorite professor that she would be an Auror like she once was, and she worked towards this with great purpose, networking as best as she could as a No-Maj-born.

Her efforts paid off: right out of school, she was offered a position in Washington, DC with the Auror Division there. She maintained to her dads that she was a cop, which disappointed them deeply, but she decided she had grown past what her fathers thought. She knew what the world was now, and she was going to make it a better place. For a good solid stretch from seventeen to twenty-five, she was kicking ass and taking names. She had a sharp eye and great fighting instincts, and her rise through the Division was suitably meteoric. Her personal life was a bit of a disaster, however, with a string of girlfriends that she messily dumped when they got in the way of her career. She grew more and more estranged from her parents.

As she proved herself, her case-load grew more intense and more dangerous. She became especially known for taking on lengthy assignments that required travel. On one mission that took her into the Blue Ridge Mountains to investigate an illegal potions ring, she was attacked by a vampire. She thought that she would bleed to death, but instead, horribly, she lived, or at least became undead. Kodi, who had been born without knowing she was a witch but had fallen in love with the wonder of magic, had crossed over into the Dark. When she first came to consciousness, she was in the bowels of the Division’s Virginia building, sometime past midnight, and they were asking her what they should do, what they should tell her parents.

She swallowed with a click, intensely aware of why her throat was dry and why her teeth ached. She said, “Tell them I’m dead.”

She recuperated for a long time in a special ward in the largest wixen hospital in the country. She had a lot from which to recover and a lot to which she had to become accustomed. For weeks, her magic sputtered and failed. Even when it returned to her, the magic felt different--but at least it had returned. She was still magic. Eventually, Kodi grew restless. She took the remainder of the year off to travel the world and find herself, or more accurately, her new people. Along with sundry other beings, she met vampires who were loving their countless years and vampires who seemed to be looking to get staked as fast as possible. Kodi had a bad feeling she knew where she fit in that spectrum, and yet she had come too far now to give it all up.

Thus after her prolonged absence, she returned to the DC office, changed within and without. Everywhere she looked, she felt hunted. She could still feel the teeth in the back of her neck. Her old colleagues couldn’t figure out whether to show her sympathy or give her space, but she could feel how their eyes followed her around the room. She could sense the animal fear in them because even when she drank from covered pouches, a little blood would always stain her mouth. Kodi had been raised to be proud of who she was. She was spoiled with love and opportunity. At times, people accused her of overconfidence (though she would call herself cocky but competent). Now, though, Kodi hated herself.

She needed a way out. Always with an ear to the ground, she heard rumblings from across the ocean about a push for beings’ rights from the Ministry under Shacklebolt. Kodi sensed opportunity. She made a visit to the British Ministry, pressed some flesh, passed around her resume, and without too much effort--her superiors in DC had been eager, lately, to see the back of her--she secured herself a position within the Auror Office.

She accepted the job offer before the Warbeck benefit disaster and...made the decision not to back out of it. She went ahead and rented that dark little near-underground flat she’d picked out and called up those people she’d met on her first go-around. It was time to start her new life.

Kodi endeavors not to have regrets about anything, as she figures she should get into the habit of that if the alternative is living far too many decades, even centuries of regrets. But she can admit that even if werewolves aren’t exactly her natural allies, the environment in Britain for all magical beings is tenser than ever. She feels out of place for so many reasons. She’s American, she’s “Muggleborn,” she’s not even human anymore. Still, she’s great at making conversation, making friends, and making trouble. Kodi works into the night and parties for what’s left of it, dancing til she should be sweating, trying not to flash her fangs when she laughs. Yet her past is a heavy thing; she can’t cast off the burden of it. Every time she tries to move forward, her future feels more fraught, another roadblock rising up in front of her.

It’s a bad time to be here. She’s trying to have a good time anyway.

FUN FACTS

yes her middle name is actually ‘rainbow hearts’ bc she is a product of her dads’ beautiful gay love. she has a real love/hate relationship to it because admittedly she does love being second-generation gay. if she tells someone her middle name or lets them call her by her full first name, you know it’s real.

she was vegan before she was turned. she’s had some confusing ethical debates about blood-drinking and maintains that she is still vegan (she avoids animal products and only drinks from consenting humans or blood donations).

the legality of her using a wand in britain due to the wand ban (clause three of the code of wand use) is tricky and she’s hoping that continues to be hand-waved. her prepared argument is that she is a human with a condition, same as lycanthropes.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

professional - she’s a workaholic! her ministry coworkers are half her social circle! maybe someone a lil nervous about her sipping blood out of a juicebox in the breakroom? personal - friends & flings. neighbors. people she’s punched. new gf. w/e! past - she’s traveled and met all kinds of people, wix and creatures alike. reunion time? ORDER ! - she could be a real asset to the order, as she is an experienced auror and also a vampire. i’m looking for someone to recruit her, since she is currently a civilian!

PLAYED CONNECTIONS

alicia spinnet - hooked up after a queer wix speed-dating thing and before the big ministry gala

dudley dursley - bonding over non-magical backgrounds and kodi making fun of dudley mercilessly. ministry coworkers

heather pettigrew - always butting heads as private investigator and auror.

#nox.intro #updated 10.14.2020

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witchyinthekitchen · 6 years

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This is a Vent Post about my Mother, Please do not reblog

This post is probably gunna be all over the place/time with things that I can remember/recall so bear with me here.

-Being told to make my own food bc mom was too busy with brand new baby (I was between 5-6 so poptarts were about all i could manage. I'd asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.) (my brother was a VERY finniky baby. If you weren't holding him he'd scream till his face went purple.))

-Tried to share interests in Anime/manga with her, when I asked her what she felt about it she said she couldn’t get into it and that it felt like a chore. (13-15 ish)

-Told her I needed therapy bc I was having suicidal thoughts. She took me, but then took me out once I started getting upset about the things i’d been talking about in therapy with my therapist because I'd come home in a bad mood.(15-16 ish)

-Went to Mother Daughter Group Therapy with her (there were other mother daughter combos) and she stormed out in the middle of it saying that we were only attacking her and not my dad too. (was 15-16 ish)

-Got into an argument about who i was voting for in the 2016 election while on vacation at Disney World (Hint it wasn't Trump like she wanted)(24 ish)

-Tried to gaslight me about trying to get everyone together to talk wedding stuff saying how she tried but that it all fell apart. (I have texts of her canceling it the day before we were all supposed to get together.)(26)

-Gets super defensive/upset any time I talk about “other mothers” in my life (MIL, BM)

-Has been super hot and cold with me during wedding planning and making passive aggressive comments about everything: Tell him to buy new pants for the engagement shoot 'bc I dont want him wearing baggy clothes -SO's Lost over 20lbs+ for the wedding and i'm so fuckin proud of him- “I don’t want to pay for hard alcohol for SO and his friends to drink at the wedding.” As if ½ the people invited weren’t all just her friends? ((All our friends live out of state/country so half the wedding is family and HER friends/neighbors.)) "I’m sure H*(SIL) and K*(MIL) have good counsel for you on _____," (Why would you say this when i'm asking for YOUR opinion? If i wanted their opinion i'd ask them.)

-4 months before the wedding she’s trying to talk me out of my venue saying we need to go look at the ones SO and MIL had suggested.

-Wants me to keep (BM)'s relation to me a secret even though i’m pretty sure 85% of the people who know me and are coming to my wedding know i'm adopted.

-Angry that I was moving out of the house at 21 with my SO she told his mother she hoped we’d fail. (In her defense she'd just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'd done poorly in my last semester of college so parents thought it would be a good idea to take me out of college for a semester so i could live at home and basically be at my moms beck and call while also being expected to work 2 jobs (they'd told me the instant that the semester was over that i was expected to work 2 jobs) -That's at least how I was viewing that whole situation before I moved out- )

-As a kid I remember wanting to run away a lot. (Never away to a friends house but always to a park to live under a bridge like the goblin I am (lol)) (is it obvious I use self depreciating humor to get through things that I'm uncomfortable with? haha)

-I'd always hide things from her, even small things like a puzzle book i'd bought myself from the elementary school book fairs. i even began writing my diaries in code so she couldn't read them. Not that i ever caught her reading my diaries or what not but thats how afraid i was.

-The only things that stopped me from killing myself was the distressing thought that my mother would be more upset with blood on the floor than me being gone. (It was a constant worry of mine when I was having ideations.)

-When i was getting close to graduating high school the librarians told me they had a bunch of excess old books they were getting rid of and one of them happened to be the "Toxic Parents" book i've seen several other posts refer to. I took no other books besides that one. I hid that from her too. Looking back through it i remember there was a checklist in the book and i'd filled some of it out when i was younger. I most definitely am a people pleaser.

-We've never really been able to "talk" about things together like how my dad and i do and i think she's really jealous about it.

-The only way I feel comfortable talking to her is Via Email/Text because then that way i have a copy of all the things she's said. because i often forget things. (I honestly don't know how bad my memory is or if its gaslighting but i hope its just me being forgetful and not the latter...)

-I literally cannot let my SO do the dishes because my Mom would always do the dishes/clean when she was mad and bang pots around loudly and just even those sounds set me on edge.

-Her telling me that the careers i wanted to get into (IE: the Arts/Theater/Music) wouldn't make enough money and that they'd be fine as Hobbies but not as careers.

-She's continually trying to push me into a Customer Service Job because i'm so good at making other people happy. (talked to dad about this and he says i'm a very big people pleaser who doesn't like conflicts -cue nervous laughter about wedding planning-)

-Being around her for long periods of time is so physically/emotionally draining. I know that's probably a result of always being on edge with her and I always feel bad that I feel that way.

-Because she's said she hoped I'd fail (me and my So when I first moved out) I'm terrified of telling her anything personal going on in my life for fear that she'd take it out on me or use it against me (i got super anxious/scared when she came up to see me on my end of town once because we'd be stopping at the mall where i used to work and i hadn't yet told her that I'd quit that job.)

-I want to have a relationship with her. I want us to do fun Mom& Daughter things but at the same time I'm scared of letting her get too close to me again just to have it fall apart again.

-When I moved out (21) i went VLC with my whole family before i even knew what VLC was. I barely saw them (except for certain holidays/events.) I didn't talk to my dad for about 3 years because of this and am just now recovering that relationship with him (been 5 years now since I moved out)

-After I get married my plan is to move to CO. During that time i don't remember if my mom has mentioned if she'd miss me, but i do recall she has made multiple points to tell me that my dad says he would miss me.

-I had to beg for a 16th Birthday Party. She finally caved half a year later after I'd talked to my Therapist about it.

-pretty sure i'm the SG of the family (possibly Cousin 1 being the GC because she went to same University my mom did)

-Other family members on her side have stepped in to provide financial help to me on the promise that i wouldn't tell anyone. (probably to stop any gossip of favoritism)

I Don't know if she's an N or just really bad at expressing herself but her hot and cold attitude really sets off my anxiety that i've done something to piss her off and that she won't talk to me about it for a few weeks and then acts as though nothing is wrong/nothing happened. Planning my wedding is the MOST contact we've had in 5 years since i moved out and went VLC and i've been trying to use this as a way to bond with her better but anytime i think i'm getting somewhere Something happens and she's upset again. A phrase i've found myself come into saying recently is "I can't fix something that I don't know is wrong." So i've tried to take that approach when it comes to her. I know she's an adult and can choose for herself if she wants to talk about whats on her mind. I can't force her to talk if she doesn't want to but the anxiety it causes when she gets into these moods is really debilitating. I'm terrible at letting things go (especially if i think its my fault)

I'm Not Her Therapist, but if she has an issue with me I wish she'd just tell me instead of the Silent treatment for a week.

Trigger Topics that I've learned to Avoid at All Costs:

Anything about "Other Mothers" in my life.

Politics & Racism

Anything in the Past that happened.

My moving out

Anything that paints her as a "Bad Mother"(aka this whole post probably)

This post is a mess and I'm rambling. Thanks for sticking through this Brain Dump while I process.

-Edit 2:

More things i'm recalling: For Christmas one year in front of my whole family (I was between 8-10 ish) she got me a set of underwear with the days of the week labeled on them and told me in front of everyone that "Maybe this would help me remember [to change my underwear daily]..."

One of my final years in high school I somehow managed to get a Cold Sore. My First Cold Sore ever and my lip where it broke out swelled up HUGE. I woke up the day it appeared ( a weekend thank the gods) and horrified went downstairs to tell my mom about it. I don't recall any words of sympathy other than "Cold Sores are caused by Herpes." I just remember breaking down into tears.

I mapped out a "Quiet Walking Path" that avoided all the creaky floorboards and steps in our house.

I get extremely anxious whenever I would hear my parents footsteps coming up the stairs. It got to the point that I could distinguish their steps on Carpet.

I jump/flinch (visibly) at loud noises, even if I know they are coming (movies songs ect.)

Routinely friended/unfriended me on Facebook before deleting it entirely (due to 2018 spying/hacking allegations)

I don't know if she means for these things to be hurtful but as someone who doesn't enjoy confrontation and is extremely sensitive to others feelings it just hurts y'know?

-edit 3: Attempted to talk to mom about her saying she hoped we'd fail via email. went about as well as expected. =Well, that clears a lot of things up. We only wanted you to be independent and happy, and it appears you are. End of story!

And for what it’s worth, I’ve said a LOT of things over the past 6 years that you didn’t hear about. And I’m not really sure where you heard “I hope they fail.” But I’m sure your source is 100%, and certainly not something you’d want to clarify with me.

I hope you got your apartment all squared away in Colorado. You should be under the 60-day notice by now! Woo hoo!

Let me know when you all are coming to get your stuff out of the house.

I’ll have it packed and ready for you.

-Mom

Am i reading into this too much? because it sounds like she's being hella passive aggressive about this.

-Edit 4: 7-19-18 Been venting about wedding planning being stressful on fb away from my mom since she doesn't have one anymore. I didn't realize she had fms reporting to her about my posts as she just randomly mentions via text that she wants to help me have fun while planning and that she wishes she could make it a happy time for me.

Edit 5: 9-26-18 Wedding is over finally. had our honeymoon and got moved out of our apartment back into my MIL's house. During the move we had to put all of our stuff into storage which includes Wedding gifts and thankyou notes. So Mom has been hounding me about getting them done and i've informed her several times that all of that is in storage and i havent been able to yet. She said not an excuse go buy more thankyou notes and write them all. I asked if Emailing a thank you would work, she says no must be hand written and mailed out (also who's paying for 100+ stamps: Me) Well Tonight she informs me that she's doing all the ones from her/my side and that she doesn't care if we do them for DH's side since SIL didn't send any thank you notes either. Cue big long talk with DH about all of this and he says not to worry about her being passive aggressive like this. Go and check my Email to find she sent an Email to me only with writing saying

"Dear all,

Thank you so much for attending --- wedding. Your presence was so important to me, and I know to the kids as well. Thank you also for the lovely wedding gifts you sent or brought. I know they are appreciated and will be enjoyed by the newlyweds. It was very kind and generous of you!

Unfortunately, --- is unable to send thank you notes, but I did want you to know that your gifts, and your presence at the celebration, were very important to all of us, and very much appreciated.

Fondly,

MOM"

currently I'm choosing not to respond and I wonder how our relationship is going to be going forward from all of this... I was so happy that the wedding was over so i wouldn't have to deal with this petty drama bullshit anymore but I guess thats just too much to ask for.

-She's also unfriended me on facebook again. I'm tempted to just block her to stop this wishy washy stuff from happening again.

#Personal #DO NOT REBLOG #I will block you if you reblog this #Vent for myself #i don't know what to do anymore #Mom #Mom Vent #i hope i dont have to update this anymore #but we'll see #venting post #PERSONAL VENT #PARENTS #Emotional Abuse #Mental Abuse

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hermannsgayhands · 6 years

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does hermanns cane have like...some kind of sentimental significance because i realized its just the solid wood kind without anything on the handle and those are Not comfortable for regular/longterm use. my first cane had a wooden handle and my hand got so sore even just going out a couple times a day (so probably not even as much as he would be using it in any given day bc its not like hes working from one single desk in the lab, theres a lot of standing and walking) and he rly seems like the kinda guy to care about functionality

(i know Realistically it was probably just that the costume department probably doesnt have a lot of cane users to be able to know this from personal experience But Obviously Im Going To Fixate On This and if ppl r gonna piece together explanations for massive plot inconsistencies i can let myself have this lol)

i Also know the kinda-sorta-canon-but-its-not-really-canon-canon reason for him using a cane is bc he was in the wrong place at the wrong time during a kaiju attack and it fucked up his hip but uh. my city now so I Propose:

needing a mobility aid when youre not old enough for it to be expected (so basically anywhere younger than Really Old) gets a lot of...attention...and its not usually positive, even if its not overtly negative its usually kind of just. weird and uncomfortable. people dont really know what to do with it and it gets awkward

and hermann was so much younger than everyone he would be spending most of his time around starting at such a young age, he was already set apart, he wasnt on equal social footing with his peers however much he was their equal (and then some, a lot of the time) intellectually and academically. even when people were nice and friendly and welcoming, there was always going to be that imbalance, because hes just a kid, hes just a teenager, hes just

and he tries not to Cave, because thats what he tells himself it is, rather than not wanting to be seen as even more different than he already is, because he thinks thats vanity, and he isnt vain. its something he can power through until he cant, and hes in labs staring at the clock with twenty minutes to go counting down the seconds until he can sit down and do something about his legs screaming at him to stop and taking all of his focus away from what hes trying to do, and twenty minutes turns into thirty, and forty, and eventually he starts dreading sitting down just because it means hes going to have to stand up again, but he can push through it, he keeps telling himself he can, until the room goes silent at the shattering of a beaker hitting the floor, and he realizes its coming from him

he usually works on assignments in the waiting room before physical therapy, but he cant put any pressure on his legs that time, even the thinnest binder he has too heavy to write on

and the physical therapist gives him a cane.

it looks like he came out of a hospital with it; at first he likes that, because its no-nonsense and simple, until everyone thinks it is from a hospital, and he has to explain no, its not, i didnt hurt myself, this isnt an injury, i know, im not actually too young for this to happen, thats not how this works—

arent you a little young for that was something he was used to hearing, but all the other times, he had been able to prove them wrong and impress. even after rattling off his conditions—he shouldnt have to, its not their business, he just wants to be able to walk, but they dont stop asking, they dont stop looking—theres nothing impressive about that, no satisfaction in proving them wrong.

he has one professor who uses a cane; shes old and withered like a tree that looks like it could break in the wind but thats been there for decades without falling, smoothly going from standing to sitting without enough of a break to it for anyone to take much notice, but hermann does, now

she gets tense, her breathing a little heavier, and she directs a wheely desk chair to where she needs it to be before smoothly sitting down without a break in her sentence. hes seen old faculty pictures of her, old enough that she wasnt yet, the same heavy wooden cane in her hand in each one even when her hair was still brown.

she knows what shes doing.

she makes eye contact with him on his way in the first day he uses the plain gray cane, just for a second, a second longer than she normally did, and she doesnt say anything that she wouldnt normally, the first person whose tone didnt change even a little when she called on him.

the staring and the questioning makes his chest twist a little less for the rest of the day.

his shoulder is killing him, though, his back below his shoulderblade a constant twinge that gets worse throughout the day the longer he stands, worse on lab days when he cant sit down much.

hes trying to reach that one spot with his fingers when the professor makes eye contact again.

she waves him over at the end with a question about a paper he had turned in a couple days before, but the question was such a simple clarification that hes sure it has to be something else—

“thats too tall for you,” she says, gesturing with her cane towards his. “stand up.”

he does.

“no, relax your shoulders, like you normally stand.”

he does.

she holds her hand flat with the side at his hip and scoots her chair forward, looking between the cane and hermann with slightly raised eyebrows, and he nods.

she clicks the little button on the side, twisting the two pieces until it lowers to the next notch.

“see how that feels,” she says, “itll wreck your back if its too high up.”

his back doesnt hurt after that, from an adjustment of just an inch and one look at him rubbing at his shoulder, not even asking why he uses it in the first place.

she knows what shes doing.

its more than that, hermann realizes, the more he watches and the more he picks up on from personal experience. she can command a room with it, walking with such purpose, even limping, her chin high and the rubber tip hitting the ground at the exact right moment for the exact right emphasis.

hes reluctant to use the word inspiring after the way hes heard it used about him, people like him, just doing what they need to do, but he holds his head higher, and eventually hes not just pretending that the twisting feeling in his chest from the feeling of eyes on the back of his head isnt there anymore, at least most of the time.

it feels like a wall thats been put up, but it feels safe, and he decides he would rather push someone away by not putting up with that sick-sweet way people started talking to him once he started using the cane than let them pretend they were being kind.

he was already plenty used to being coddled and talked down to and patronized for assumptions made based on his appearance; he knows it when he hears it, and hes hearing it loud and clear. if he couldnt prove them wrong and impress, he could at least keep that sick-sweet tone from sticking to his skin the way it used to, always leaving him feeling like he needed a shower.

it still doesnt stop all the questions.

its the end of the year when hes started looking at canes online.

he cant find any that he likes, partly because he feels like he shouldnt like it; its a piece of equipment, something to get around, and he had never put much thought into what his shoes looked like, so it doesnt feel like he should be so stuck on what his cane would look like.

his mind is made up for him when he comes in for his last lecture with the professor like an old tree, and she has a different cane.

he recognizes the brand from the google searches; its fiberglass, light and strong and expensive, matches the pale blue of her glasses, and he finds himself almost disappointed not to see the wooden one, attached to it even though it wasnt his own.

she waves him over at the end with a question about a paper.

all of his papers had already been plugged into his grades.

he doesnt know why his heart is thudding against his ribs when she pulls out something long and wrapped in newspaper from under her desk.

she had it shaved down to the right height, she tells him—its old, it wasnt made to be adjustable, and she says it like an apology, but hermanns eyes are stinging as he pulls apart the newspaper, a new rubber tip attached to the bottom, the handle still worn down in a couple places, and the cane that looks like it came from a hospital stays in the back of his closet after that.

#me: maybe this would be an interesting idea for a fic #me: basically accidentally writes a fucking fic #i might turn this into a fic at some point im way too into being able to project onto actual disabled characters instead of just like #making shit up based on canon stuff that was just never really gotten into lol #I Sincerely Hope The Read More On This Post Works And If Not I Apologize I Just Dont Know How To Shut Up

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mysme-hcs · 7 years

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What would love be like with each character? Please include my dearest trio and if you can... Rika. I want to know what love with each character feels like on a Sunday morning and after a fight, you know these characters so well I hope it made sense! (do I have to be anon?)

This is my longest headcanon ever (4k words) so it’s going under the cut. I added everyone so hopefully it lives up to your expectations, but heavy spoilers! And no, you don’t have to be anon!

Rika▪before even thinking about starting a relationship/life with you, Rika wants to try to make things right with everyone she’s hurt first▪she knows there’s nothing she can do to help make things right with Saeran or Saeyoung, but she tries to convince V to get the eye surgery and offers to pay for it all herself▪she even apologizes to Jumin for putting him in uncomfortable situations with hinting at a relationship between the two of them▪when you first move in with each other and buy a house, she insists you start off with a clean slate▪the house you’ve bought has a rotting smell coming from inside the walls, torn up flooring, and is just generally trashed but she’s determined to turn it into a home▪she works as an interior designer so not only is she ready for the challenge, she’s tired of redoing houses for people when you both are living in her apartment, aka a literal bomb & alarm infested apartment▪seriously, you pull a drawer too hard and then you’ve gotta explain to Seven why the alarm is ringing at 2 am and why you wanted cereal at 2 am▪so buying and decorating a house is kind of her way of taking care of you!▪you honestly can’t deny her when she gets determined about something involving you tbh▪Rika is a force, obviously don’t cross her when she wants something▪if she wants the walls neon green she’s gonna get it▪Rika is extremely talented with her job, you know the end result is going to be fantastic▪also she’s neat, very neat; everything has to be absolutely perfect for the two of you▪all of the silverware and dishes are brand new, the furniture…everything is almost too perfect but it’s homey!▪she takes you to every thrift store to find things you two can remodel for the house but money isn’t an issue▪she ADORES those cute Pinterest DIYs▪when you get around to working on the DIYs, hers look straight out of a magazine▪yours…aren’t as good.▪instead of getting mad though, Rika just smiles and shows you how to fix your mistakes. She’s a little forward with telling you it doesn’t look great but she doesn’t mean any harm by it▪she’s telling you this so you can pay better attention & learn from your mistake▪love with Rika is very straightforward. She’s blunt in stating her feelings, isn’t afraid to take charge, but she really loves you▪she likes to bake cookies & apple tart with you and it’s a Sunday tradition to sit around the house and watch movies, Zen’s musicals included, while you both cuddle▪you two volunteer a lot and the RFA parties?▪they’re a blast!▪with two party coordinators together it’s so well organized and fun for everyone▪not to mention how much money you all raise???▪your relationship blossoms into something amazing, something she didn’t come close to experiencing with V▪Not everything is perfect though, she has breakdowns often▪sometimes she accidentally tries to hurt you, but she works hard to overcome it▪even if she has to see a therapist daily, she’ll do anything▪you stuck by her side when she didn’t deserve it, she could at least try to change for the better▪after a fight she’s terrified you’re going to leave her alone but you’re there for her no matter what▪you bring her anything that’ll make her smile again▪she really just needs validation and promise that everything will be okay someday▪and with some work and trust, it will

Jaehee▪this woman is incredibly strong and underappreciated▪she’s experienced every negative emotions you can think of, and somehow still manages to stay strong and keep her head up▪she’s mostly been extremely unhappy in her life, though▪her parents died when she was young and she wasn’t wanted by her aunt, who criticized everything she did▪anything perfect was looked down on because it made her cousin look bad, but anything too sloppy and she’d be told she couldn’t do anything right▪that’s why Jaehee is so obsessed with her work being done correctly, and why she likes you so much▪instead of treating her like a work machine, you help build her up when she needs it and just support her in general▪she realizes she loves you on Valentines Day but didn’t say anything▪mostly you both were having a great time with each other watching movies and playing board games, which she didn’t want to ruin▪if her confession went wrong, it’d ruin everything▪if you left her, I strongly believe it’d absolutely destroy her▪her passion in coffee? Just the smell makes her want to vomit▪the hair you encouraged her to grow out? Cut short.▪her happiness? …..gone. She goes back to work under Jumin and works herself almost three times as hard▪unbeknownst to her, you were going through the exact same thing▪So because Jaehee worked under Jumin, she had to be cautious about the company and try to think ahead to prevent bad publicity▪she does the same with you, thinking ahead in your relationship that is!▪Jaehee heavily considers everything: what’d happen if you said no, what’d happen to the café and the RFA…▪she sets up a time and a date to confess▪finally the day comes and she buys you coffee while you both walk around a botanic garden▪it’s peaceful and quiet, plus the scenery sets a gorgeous backdrop for everything▪she kept everything a secret, but she did ask Zen how he calms his nerves and to talk her through a big conversation with MC which is cute as heck my dudes▪she sits you down on a bench and just…spills everything▪when she gets to the actual confession + asking you to be her girlfriend, she trips up on her words and accidentally stutters▪it’s so precious▪the smile on her face is priceless afterwards though▪like▪the sun can literally go home now because we have Jaehee’s smile to light up the world bye▪she’s in such a daze for the next week▪nothing can phase her because she’s so excited▪she tries to initiate so much physical contact in that week, cuddles, cheek kisses, hand holding ALL OF IT▪it’s adorable▪if you guys fight, it’s probably going to be over something small that has been blown out of proportion▪you’ll both calm down and then talk over things, eventually agreeing on what would be best for you▪Since he knew her the best, Jumin’s advice is usually the one you follow out of the entire RFA▪on lazy Sundays you two end up trying something new, whether it be gardening, putting together puzzles, or taking walks▪she loves this because during the two years she worked for Jumin, she barely had time to even eat▪so now she has all of this free time to spend with you!!!▪she loves taking walks though because it gives you time to talk and just relax while being outside▪she just loves you so much

Yoosung:▪canon that he listens to everything you have to say, no matter how small, and tries hard to improve himself as a whole so he’ll be a better man for you▪there is no judgment with Yoosung and he’s 101% willing to help you with all of the housework & anything that needs done▪love with Yoosung is a lot like this▪he’s loving, he never has any impure intentions towards you, and he’d do anything to see you happy and healthy▪he literally risked his life for you so you’d be safe???▪he listens to EVERYTHING the Men of Monogamy group tells him about love▪and tbh he probably calls his mom everything too▪Yoosung keeps detailed notes of all your dates, from what the date consisted of to what you wore▪he tries to prevent conflict but is very quick to fix things if you do fight▪just having you beside him was enough to make him want to become better and more hardworking▪so he studies for another year, quitting LOLOL and renting an apartment for both of you▪sometimes you’re in awe of how much he’s able to juggle at one time but he does it flawlessly▪a lazy Sunday would include laying together on his couch, cuddling and playing video games together and trying to learn how to cook▪frequent movie dates which consist of throwing popcorn up in the air and trying to catch it in your mouth during the previews it’s gotten you both kicked out of the theater more than once and then walking around town together discussing the movie and holding hands▪when he proposes to you it’s shortly after he graduates college bc he just can’t wait to start a shared life▪you both are decorating the waiting room in his new clinic when he asks you to both take a break▪he gives you the cheesiest speech you’ve ever heard in your life, but it’s definitely written by him his mom co-wrote and edited it though, thx Mrs. Kim▪speaking of her, he took so much more advice from his mom just to make sure everything was perfect▪as for the ring! He took Jaehee and V along with him to pick it out▪but Jaehee knew what would be in his price range, and V had experience with engagement rings▪Jaehee picked the more simple ones, V picked the prettiest ones (I mean, he’s a photographer so he knows beauty) so the two of them combined…▪Yoosung had the final say though▪your engagement ring will be your wedding ring too, but it’s absolutely, incredibly gorgeous▪he clearly put so much effort into everything, it’s so adorable▪finally he gets to officially spend the rest of his life with you!▪Lisa is your child for the first two years, but when you finally have a child it’s like his dreams have all come true▪Yoosung is an incredible boyfriend and husband. He’s honest, dependable, and will always be your best friend through anything and everything

Jumin▪canon that everything is really rushed bc he never had a relationship so now he wants everything all at once▪your wedding was so crowded that even the RFA didn’t get a single word to you both in but it was beautiful and easily the best day of your life▪V’s wedding gift to you two was the eye surgery and his promise to be the photographer you know those photos are amazinggg▪but enough about the wedding, Jumin promised you that anything you have will always be the best and he’ll never force you into anything▪he still stands by that▪if he feels there’s a fight coming, he’ll immediately step away and let both parties cool off▪it’s just part of being a businessman tbh, he knows when a fight is coming and how to resolve things▪once you’re both calm and collected, then you can talk it out▪if you come to him when you’re angry, he’ll just refuse to speak to you▪again, he’s a businessman so he’ll get straight to the point and address whatever the root cause is and fix it▪but he’s very against couple’s therapy and won’t partake in it no matter what▪he’s against it because he’s sure you two can figure everything out by yourselves, and that there’s no use involving other people in your relationship. He’s also afraid of the media somehow getting ahold of the information and would twist it against you▪he can’t risk losing you so sometimes he’d be too possessive, which also sparks some fights▪he’ll feel guilty about that later because you mean everything to him and hurting you is never his intention▪lazy Sundays mostly consist of cuddling and he’ll make you his signature strawberry pancakes▪walks around his garden, reading, he loves anything domestic that resembles a normal relationship▪he just loves being in your company though, you could be sitting across the room from each other in silence and he’d still like it▪on Saturday nights he likes to drink wine with you and V▪the three of you are so close, anyone looking in would never be able to guess that you didn’t know them your entire life▪he reads to you every night before bed and likes it when you’re curled up with your head over his heart▪that way he can hold you close and stroke your hair▪even though it could be taken the wrong way, he buys you gifts very very frequently▪it’s just because he likes imagining how happy you’ll be with each thing & the smile on your face▪everything reminds him of you and he would literally hand you the world if he could

Zen▪Zen grew up with no support▪his mother forcefully cut his hair and picked him up immediately after school so he couldn’t play guitar, something he loved▪it was such a toxic home that he ran away when he was in middle school▪and yeah, he’s not proud of his past but promises that regardless of your past it’s only important where you are now (canon)▪he’s proud of how far he’s come with acting and making it on his own▪he jokes about The Beast™ but it’s a real thing, he’s terrified you’ll run away if he shows you what he really wants or the ugly parts of him▪being around you makes him nervous sometimes but at the same time, it’s like a breath of fresh air being around someone who cares so much for him▪Zen’s super laid back about things but is worried about you being in the spotlight because his fans and haters can sometimes get too….intense with even him▪Zen is also very cautious of the roles he picks up from now on▪he wouldn’t take on any roles that could be seen as a bad influence to your future children *wink wink* or any that make you uncomfortable▪some of the musicals he’s been in have been very romantic or very sexy so he wants to make sure you’re okay with him playing those parts first!▪he values your opinion so so much but he can also sometimes get a little hot-headed when it comes to you and your safety *cough cough* remember Jumin’s route?▪and that’s because he’s never been close to marriage but when he’s with you, he wants to marry you right on the spot▪he put your engagement off for the longest time, sure his family would come around some day, but it never happens▪he didn’t want to accept it for the longest time, but after Valentines Day he realizes that his family isn’t there but you are▪keeping your relationship wasn’t honest with the media and his fans, and it was setting you both back!!▪you couldn’t even be seen together in public, let alone go on dates or have it be known that you live together▪buuut taking care of you is his first priority so if his agency didn’t like it, he could find dozens of others▪Zen dispels those rumors with Jocelyn in an interview and promises that your relationship with him is still serious and ongoing▪and within another week, you both are engaged▪honestly the proposal was kind of spontaneous▪Zen loves the idea of having a family and kids if you can’t tell▪he wants to have six of them (but he’ll settle for two, y'know)▪the first year you’re together is magical!!▪he wants so badly to take you around town and show you his favorite spots and favorite things, and he’s eager to learn more about you & your likes▪he’s extremely considerate as well, always considering your feelings and never jumping into anything without talking it over▪a relationship with Zen would also be laid back in all the best ways▪he makes everything seem so…right and comfortable

V▪Jihyun is scarred really badly from Rika▪he has so many nasty secrets just from Mint Eye and other things he’s kept hidden▪so at first he doesn’t want to be in a relationship because of this but you promise to be there for him and respect his ways▪you even offer to help shoulder some of the burden▪and…he respects you so much for it▪he could never let you but he appreciates your passion and love for him▪he’s also hesitant to go to you after a fight he’s caused▪he’s always going to find a way to make you/him believe that everything was his fault because he genuinely believes it▪after a fight you have to go to him, and your heart breaks every time you see him crying▪afterwards you just do whatever is most comfortable for the two of you▪V enjoys jigsaw puzzles and they’re a good way to relax together and build teamwork, even if he hasn’t had the surgery he likes it when you help him put the pieces into place and such▪just the warm touch of your hand is enough to remind him that you’re there for him▪he loves it when you read him poetry▪he’s an artist so of course he appreciates poetry so much!▪something about the deep meanings behind the words and how you emotionally connect to them…he adores it▪he also likes putting music on and dancing with you▪he hides things from you in order to protect you, which sometimes gets annoying but he has good intentions▪he’d do anything for you and would love you no matter what you’ve done or been through (remember that speech he gave Rika?)▪V would do anything for you and anything you do for him makes him extremely happy▪whether it’s flattening a stray hair out of place or helping him around, he falls deeper in love with you▪you can’t ever out-compliment him▪being with V is so natural▪he’s rich but he saves presents and extravagant things for more special occasions so he doesn’t overwhelm you▪he just cares so much for you▪the eye surgery is a really touchy subject because it’s an injury he’s subjected himself to deal with but getting his vision fixed would make him realize how things can change for the better▪he doesn’t have to be abused or manipulated by Rika anymore▪he can have a happy relationship and life, and he can do it with you

Vanderwood ▪Vanderwood says he doesn’t see the point in anything related to family because of his job, so it’ll take a long time of knowing each other to start a relationship▪he’s terrified something would happen to you, so if he starts having feelings for you he’ll push you away just like Seven▪you’ll probably be unsure of his feelings for a while since he isn’t very open, but he’ll show you through small little things▪he claims he doesn’t want children but down the road in your relationship an unplanned pregnancy brings him more joy than he’d thought▪he’s aware that you’re not perfect and neither is he▪if you make any mistake he’s quick to call you out but he’ll help you through it▪he really does give you self defense lessons and buys you a taser so you can take care of yourself and your daughter▪honestly not too big of a family man but he adores you both, just wishes things were a little different with his job and life▪you two deserve someone with a family, not a grumpy secret agent who has trouble with his emotions▪sometimes he’ll pull away though so just give him space▪fights are awful between you two▪after a particularly rough one he’ll be the one to come to you, half-drunk and nearly in hysterics▪neither one of you will probably talk because you know what went wrong and what you can do better next time▪so he pulls you against you and lays there until you both fall asleep▪the next day will be super lazy, you’re both exhausted from the emotional outpour▪so you’ll find a ridiculously stupid TV show to binge and spend the rest of the day together▪love with Vanderwood isn’t sweet kisses and heartfelt hugs, sometimes its listening to him lecturing you and denying his feelings but it’s always coming back to each other no matter what happens▪there won’t be a single day where you fall out of love with him and vice versa

Saeyoung ▪asking you to call him Saeyoung was a massive deal to him!▪he confessed that none of his past identities were real and “Saeyoung” was pushed away because of his past▪he wants nothing more than to quit his agency and start a life with you and Saeran but that’s not possible just yet ▪first you actually have to find Saeran▪and when you do, Saeran still has a hard time with trusting Saeyoung and possibly suffers heavy withdrawals from the potent drugs he recieved at Mint Eye▪either way, Saeran puts a heavy strain on your relationship for a while until he gets better▪but once he does, Saeyoung finally buckles down and proposes▪Saeran claims it’s because Saeyoung is scared that if he waits too long then someone might snatch you up▪on lazy Sundays he just likes to hang around the house or have a movie day with you and Saeran▪a movie day is the only activity he’ll admit he enjoys▪so you three make a giant palette on the floor and make ice cream sundaes▪it’s quiet and peaceful, sometimes Saeran and Saeyoung both fall asleep on you during the movie▪Saeyoung passes his Star Wars & Harry Potter obsessions down to Saeran and his childrenslightly unrelated but imagine Saeran and Saeyoung in Hogwarts robes asdfjklajdkal that is all▪Which, you don’t have children for several years but when you do, your sons and daughter grow up in the best household imaginable▪love with Saeyoung is patient and caring▪he always puts you first and having to wait on your marriage strengthens your relationship in the best ways▪he’s still paranoid over his agency and Mint Eye but will calm down over time once he realizes you’re with him every step of the way

Saeran▪Saeran is extremely broken and unstable▪he was abused and sick from a really young age, and then taken to Mint Eye where he was not only tortured, but brainwashed▪again, he possibly has withdrawals from the potent drugs he recieved at Mint Eye???▪as soon as he gets better, he wants to quit smoking…it makes him feel dirty inside after everything that’s happened▪so he has a lot to go through still, and even though it takes him a really long time to be able to trust you and Saeyoung, he needs the both of you▪when he first realizes his feelings for you, he tries to ignore them at first ▪he’s not mean to you or pushes you away, he just…distances himself from you thinking the feelings would go away eventually but they never do▪it’s a bit obvious sometimes that he likes you, but you like him back so it’s not a big deal▪once you think Saeran would be okay to handle a relationship, Saeyoung helps you confess▪your relationship is tentative at first▪you want him to be comfortable, and he doesn’t want to hurt you somehow▪everything just takes it’s time and after a couple years of being together, he asks you to marry him▪Saeran isn’t the type of person to make a huge deal out of it, he most likely just asks you (which you think is random, but he’s been gathering the courage to ask you for over a week)▪and your wedding is very small▪if you have any children at all, he’s terrified▪it’s a small human being with half of his genetics?▪there is a chance the child may turn out sickly like Saeran was as a child, so if it does then it gets so much care & love▪he’s the worst when it comes to your child wanting sweets bc he does too▪but regardless, he’s grateful to you and Saeyoung for saving him▪he’s grateful to Saeyoung for teaching him that family & the world doesn’t have to be cruel▪but he’s grateful that you taught him how to be gentle and kind, that you stayed and cared for him, and that you love him▪he would never ever break that trust or hurt you

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stillalicebyheart · 7 years

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Maybe Send Me An Angel?

Prologue || Masterlist || AO3 || Next

A/N: Holy cow this took a while to write!! So this is the prologue (also known as a rewrite of the entire first 20 minutes of the musical bc it’s p much the same) to my new Dear Evan Hansen fic, based on @a-ghostly-state ‘s guardian angel au!! (Check out their art, it’s amazing!!) If you’d like to be tagged in updates of this please let me know and I will! Word Count: 5.2k words Warnings: talk of suicide, anxiety, panic attacks. (If I need to add anything else please let me know!)

Dear Evan Hansen, Today is going to be an amazing day, and here’s why: |

Evan stared at the blinking cursor on his computer screen, wondering how he should follow the practiced intro. Why would it be a good day? It was the first day of his senior year, so there’s something. But how would it go? Would he end up making a fool of himself just like every other year? He started typing again, non-stop for a few moments before reading it back to himself.

Because today, all you have to do is just be yourself. But also confident, that’s important. And interesting, or approachable. Mostly yourself though, that’s the big one. Be true to yourself. And don’t worry about whether your hands are going to get sweaty for no reason; you can’t make it stop no matter what you do because they’re not going to get sweaty so don’t even think about it because all you have to do is be yourself. There’s no way it’s going to be like that time you had the perfect chance to introduce yourself to Zoe Murphy after the jazz band concert last year, when you waited to talk to her and tell her how good she was and pretend to be super casual but then you didn’t even end up saying anything because you thought your hands were sweaty (they weren’t, until you started thinking about it) so you put them under the hand dryer in the bathroom and they were still sweaty, just very warm now too.

He read back the words in his mind, lip captured between his teeth while he changed things, tried to make it sound better. He had to read this to his therapist later, and there was no way he could tell her about his weirdly sweaty hands!

Just as he was getting ready to start typing again, his mother walked into his room with a twenty in her hand. He instantly shut his laptop – a force of habit – and turned to his mother.

“So you just decided not to eat last night.”

“…I wasn’t hungry.”

“You’re a senior in high school, Evan, you need to be able to order dinner when I’m not here. It’s even all online now, you don’t have to talk to anyone.”

“See, that’s not true because you have to talk to the delivery guy and stand there silently while he counts out the change and it’s—“

“This is what you’re supposed to be working on, honey! With Dr. Sherman, talking to other people.” Heidi gave him a half smile as she laid his jacket on the bed next to him.

“I’m trying.”

“No, I know! I know! And that’s why I made you an appointment with her for this afternoon.”

“I already have an appointment for next week.”

“Well, I thought you could benefit from seeing her sooner. I’ll pick you up after school.” She moved around the room, idly tidying as she went. After a beat of silence from her son, she spoke again. “Hey, have you been writing those letters? ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today’s going to be a great day and here’s why,’ you been doing those?”

“Yeah, I started writing one.” He hesitated. “I’ll finish writing it at school.”

“Those letters are gonna help you build your confidence, you know, seize the day!”

Evan made an uncommitted sound of agreement in response.

Heidi moved back towards the door, pausing in the frame. “I don’t want another year of you sitting at your computer on a Friday night telling me you have no friends.”

“Neither do I.” Evan responded, watching her retreating form.

“Oh!” She popped her head back in, grin forming. “Hurry up and come down for breakfast, I made pancakes!”

He looked at her with an exasperated look. “I’ll be there in a minute.” His words sounded tired, like he hadn’t slept much the night before (a true statement, but not one he wanted his mother to fuss over) and eventually pulled open his computer again. He highlighted all the words on the screen and replaced them with a single thought.

Dear whoever might care,

It’s me again. I’d really like a friend. One who doesn’t just use me for car insurance. Maybe… Maybe an angel? But only a nice one, one that’ll help me through this… mess that I’ve become.

Or, you know, a friend works just as well? We don’t even have to be close, just someone that can talk to me like I’m human instead of a loser.

Either way, thanks.

And with that, he shoved his laptop into his bag and bound down the stairs, backpack strap hanging on his arm just before the end of his cast.

Across town, in the higher end neighborhood (or as Connor Murphy liked to call it, the rich white asshole part of town), the Murphys were having another heated debate on Connor’s attendance.

Or well, it would be, if Larry gave a fuck about Connor and Zoe didn’t sabotage everything in his life. It was more his mother talking to a brick wall and getting grunts in response.

“It’s the first day of senior year, Connor, you’re not missing school.”

He looked over his shoulder at her from his bowl of cereal, a smirk on his face. “No one’s saying I won’t go tomorrow – I’m trying to find a compromise here!”

With a sigh, Cynthia looked to her husband. “Are you going to say anything or are you too wrapped up in your emails?”

“You’re not missing school, Connor.” Larry replied, eyes still glued to his phone.

“That’s all you’re going to say?”

“What do you want me to say, he doesn’t listen to me. Besides, look at him, he’s probably high.”

“He’s definitely high.” Zoe quipped, glaring across at the table to the one in question.

Connor rolled his eyes, letting out a loud ‘Fuck you!’ before laying his head on the table, to which Zoe repeated right back.

“Enough! I do not need you picking at your brother right now. Besides, he’s not high.”

With raised eyebrows, Connor slowly looked up, his eyes meeting Zoe’s as a grin split across his face. After another moment, his mother spoke again.

“Are you high?!”

He turned to her to explain, but was shut down before he could. “I do not want you going to school high, Connor! We have talked about this.”

“Perfect!” He responded, hand wrapping around his bag and making for the stairs. “Then I won’t go; thanks, Mom!”

She let him go without a fight, simply turning to her oblivious husband and daughter. After a few moments of silence, Zoe stood, stating: “If Connor’s not ready in five I’m leaving without him.”

Connor was currently laid across his bed, one hand scrolling through his phone while the other rubbed at the wrist holding it. He knew he had to go to school – not all day, but enough to please his mother at the very least. And if he hurried he could ride with Zoe and skip the whole ‘it’s gonna be a great year, Connor, you’ll be in college before you know it!’ lecture that wasn’t really a lecture but might as well have been with how it made him feel. There was no way he was going to college; he was lucky to have made it to senior year – both physically and mentally.

Hell, he’d be lucky to make it to the end of senior year at this point.

With a heavy sigh, he forced himself up and out his doorless frame, bag slung over his shoulder as he bound down the stairs. He quickly swiped an apple from the table before pressing a quick kiss to his mother’s cheek and running out the door to catch Zoe before she left.

“Have a good day!” She shouted; not that either of her heard. She could see Connor with his headphones on and head against the window with Zoe in full driving mode. Another heavy breath escaped as she shut the door, ready for another long day alone.

“How’s it feel to be the first person in history to break his arm jerking off?” Evan heard from behind him, turning to see one of the only people he considered as a friend. Jared Kleinman, whose mother worked with Evan’s at the hospital and he’d known pretty much since diapers, and in general was just a huge dick.

“I-I wasn’t doing that— “

“Paint me the picture: you’re in your room, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram pulled up on your weird, off-brand cell phone…”

“No, shh, that’s not what happened! Obviously. I was… Well, I was just climbing a tree and… and I fell.”

“You fell? Out of a tree? What are you, an acorn?”

“I was, well I don’t know if you know this but I worked this summer as an apprentice park ranger, um, at Ellis State Park? I’m sort of a tree… Expert now, I mean, not to brag… Anyway, I tried to climb this forty foot tall oak tree and-- “

“Then you fell.”

“Well it’s ac- it’s a funny story because there was a solid ten minutes where I just lay there on the ground and any minute now, I was saying to myself, y’know, any minute now someone’s gonna come and help.”

“And did they?”

“No, no body came and that, um… that’s the funny part.”

“Jesus Christ.” Jared was laughing again, and Evan felt himself flare up.

“What did – How was – “ In an attempt to steer the conversation away from himself, Evan stumbled over his words and took a breath to calm down as his fiddled with the hem of his shirt. He ended up mumbling, “You have a good summer?”

While Jared went on about his amazing summer camp, Evan kept his eyes down almost afraid to look up and see the other students streaming in around them; what did they see when they saw him? Could they tell that he was, in his mind, curled into a ball screaming for help and a quiet room but physically just a wound-up toy held in place? He felt like he could explode at any moment, break down into the mess he knew he was, but at school where they’d rip him to shreds for even shedding one tear, it was impossible to have that break. When Jared turned to walk away, the pen in his pocket grew heavy. ‘Have the other kids at school sign your cast’ Mom had said in the car, but would Jared even want to?

“D-Do you, maybe want to sign my cast?”

“Why are you asking me?”

“Well I just thought, because we’re friends— “

“We’re family friends. That’s like a whole different thing and you know it.” Evan had kind of been expecting – well, more than kind of, he’d completely expected nothing less than what he got. “Hey, tell your mom to tell my mom that I was nice to you, or else my parents won’t pay for my car insurance.” He pat Evans shoulder as he moved past the taller boy, halting as he saw Connor Murphy enter the school. Jared, who, very much unlike Evan, wasn’t afraid to say what was on his mind, spoke up enough for Evan to turn around again and watch what was about to happen as the halls cleared for first class.

“Hey Connor! Loving the new hair length, very… school shooter chic.” He said with a shit-eating grin, and Evan felt his pulse shoot through the roof for Jared and the look he was receiving from Connor. If looks could kill, Jared would be more than six feet under, and Connor had a bit of a reputation for being hot-headed; Evan wasn’t really feeling having to figure out how to calm Connor and protect Jared while also not getting involved because why should he, this had nothing to do with him!

“Jeez, it’s just a joke.”

“Yeah, no, I’m laughing, can’t you tell?” Connor’s voice was steady and calm (a bad sign, if you asked Evan, but then again if you asked him everything could be a bad sign) as he eyed Kleinman. After a split second, he took a step forward and raised his tone. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Jared rolled his eyes, gesturing to the black clad boy. “You’re such a freak.” He commented before turning and walking around the corner, leaving just Connor and Evan standing there. While he didn’t even think about the fact Connor was still standing there, Evan let out a slight, under-his-breath laugh at Jared’s ridiculousness – you don’t make a comment like that and then not expect the person on the receiving end to be mad. Unfortunately for him, Connor took it the wrong way.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?

“What-- “

“Stop fucking laughing at me!”

“I was – I didn’t – “

“You think I’m a freak?”

“No, no I wasn’t— “

“I’m not the freak!”

“I wasn’t laughing a— “

“You’re the fucking freak!”

And with that, Connor Murphy pushed past Evan Hansen and shoved him to the ground. And Evan Hansen sat there, on the floor, for the better part of first hour, waiting for someone to notice he wasn’t in class.

No one noticed.

“Yes, Mom. I get it you have to work.” Evan sighed as he walked into the computer lab. “Maybe… Yes, I finished it, I’m printing it right now… I was… Yeah, it was a good day. Bye.”

He hardly noticed the other people in the room, pulling out his laptop to finish the letter – as much as he didn’t want to, if he showed up to his appointment without it his therapist would get mad and then he wouldn’t be allowed back and he really, really wanted to get better so he had to get this done. Even if it was the most bullshit thing he ever wrote. His fingers hesitated over the keys before he started typing; maybe if he focused on the sound he wouldn’t end up crying.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all, um… This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year because… why would it be? I know, I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe, maybe, I could just talk to her then maybe… maybe nothing would be different at all.

I wish everything was different. I wish I was a part of… something? I wish that anything I said… mattered. To anyone. I mean, face it, would anyone even notice if I just… disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely, Your best and most dearest friend, Me.

Instead of reading it back, Evan just hit the print button. It wasn’t like what he wrote would matter anyways, Dr. Sherman would see it a ‘progress’ either way right? His words didn’t mean anything, the action is what counts. Really, he should have been by the printer already (who prints something and then leaves it sitting instead of picking it up they’ll think maybe I’m an idiot which isn’t too far off but still) but unfortunately, he found himself lost in thought only to be interrupted by Connor Murphy.

Oblivious as Evan was, you would think he’d notice the only other person in the lab was the same person who pushed him in the hall earlier in the day, but when you’re on the phone and on a mission, it was hard to take in surroundings. To Connor, though, it was just another moment in life; he was always unseen, and if seen just referred to as ‘the freak’ or ‘crazy’ or ‘hothead’. And honestly, being unseen was better than the other options. He was only there to kill time anyways. (Or at least, that’s what he told himself; really, he was looking for statistic rates of successful suicides with different methods.) He’d only picked up Evan’s letter because he was printing a page of his own. So when he looked at the paper and saw ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ at the top, he had no choice but to talk to the kid.

And honestly, he should have probably at least heard Evan out. He did try to explain before Connor blew up and shoved him, but Connor’s temper was always as short of a fuse as any with a lit flame just millimeters away from the end. It wasn’t his fault Hansen laughed at him but he wasn’t going to take it. He’d heard the kid was nice enough so… Maybe Connor could make an effort to become friends with someone. Maybe someone would miss him after he was gone.

A hopeless and useless thought, honestly, but worth a shot in his eyes.

He turned and walked over to Evan with a slight hesitation, trying not to scare the kid. “So,” He started, and of course he still managed to spook him. “what happened… to your arm?” This was foreign for Connor, trying to be nice, so his words were unsure and slow-paced, as if considering each one carefully.

“O-oh, um… I, uh, fell out of a tree actually?” It wasn’t a question, but Evan phrased it like one – it was hard to think right when the guy who caused your latest panic attack was trying to play nice.

“You fell out of a tree.”

“…Yeah.”

“Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” Liar. Your life is the saddest thing.

Evan tried to laugh with Connor, but it ended up coming out scared and half-hearted. “I-I know.”

Okay, this was going somewhat well right? He couldn’t let it die out so fast. “Uh… Nobody’s, um… signed your cast.” And he was back to the calculated words.

“Oh. No, I know.”

“Well, I’ll sign it.” Connor had no hesitation. This was how you made friends, right? Being nice? Signing a cast?

“Oh, y-you don’t have to.” There’s no way Connor Murphy wants to sign my cast.

“Do you, ah… have a sharpie?” Connor took another hesitant step forward; if Evan didn’t want him to sign it, he’d have to say it. He wasn’t backing down now, he was at least going to make an acquaintance.

Evan started digging in his pocket, walking forward. Okay, so maybe Connor Murphy wasn’t the most ideal, but at least his mom would be happy with one small signature, right? He handed the marker to Connor, who in turn grabbed Evan’s wrist just a little too roughly. “Ow.”

“Oh.” He checked Evan’s face for any sign of major discomfort, blinking once before turning back to the cast, writing his name out in large letters.

“Oh. Great. Thanks.” Evan stated, eyes glued to the much larger than anticipated writing.

“Yeah, well… Now we can both pretend we have friends.” Connor stated, handing his marker back. His eyes wandered off, away from the situation and how he hadn’t completely fucked it up yet.

“Yeah, good point…” He vaguely registered Evan’s voice as he started to walk towards the printer, and his real reason for coming over came back to focus.

“Oh, hey is… Is this yours? Um, I found it on the printer it’s, uh…” He glanced at the paper even though he knew what was written there. “’Dear Evan Hansen’, that’s your name, right?”

“Oh, no no no no no, that’s, um…” Evan watched as Connor tried to hand it back, his eyes still on the paper, probably reading it. “That’s just, um, just a paper I have to write, it’s for an assignment— “

Evan had reached for the paper, but suddenly the arm holding the paper recoiled to Connor as he started reading aloud. “’Because there’s Zoe’?” He hesitated, not wanting to meet Evan’s eyes. “Uh, is… this about my sister?”

“No, no, not at all.” Evan reached out again to try and take the paper back because no no no this wasn’t happening his words didn’t matter Connor Murphy was not supposed to read this and now he’s going to kill me for having a crush on his sister but Connor moved it out of reach as he took a step back with his eyes glued to the floor. When he spoke again, it seemed as if he was trying to work the whole situation out loud.

“You wrote this… Because you knew that I would find it.”

“…What?”

“Yeah, uh… yeah, you saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab so you wrote this and you printed this out so that I would find it.” He’d started walking forward again, the lit match landing on the thread to the dynamite.

“Um, wh-why would I— “

“So I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?! And then you could tell everybody that I’m crazy. Right?”

“No, I-- “

“Fuck you!”

Instead of giving Evan the slightest chance to explain, Connor stormed off and out of the computer room, slamming the door in his face.

“No, no, no, no, no come back I really need that back please give it back I need that back so can you please, can you please just give it back!”

He’d tried to follow, but in his state with shaking hands and tear-filled eyes, it was useless. He stood silently looking through the window in the doorway, attempting to calm himself and work up the courage to follow. It wasn’t until an hour later, though, that he actually did move, and it was only to head home.

Maybe he could explain to Connor tomorrow and he could give it back? And maybe hell would freeze over in the next twenty-four hours.

“A letter to yourself? What the fuck does that even mean? Is it some kind of sex thing…?”

“No! No, it’s not a sex thing, it’s an assignment.”

“Why are you talking to me about this?”

“I didn’t know who else to talk to!” Evan looked away from the computer screen, where he could see half of Jared’s face – he didn’t want to tell Jared but who else could he go to about Connor Murphy, the scariest guy in school, stealing his letter? “You’re my only f-f—family friend.”

“Oh my god.”

“I don’t know what to do, he stole the letter from me three days ago and then he just, he hasn’t been at school since.”

“That does not bode well for you.” Jared stated, leaning back in his chair as he finally looked at Evan for the first time in the twenty-minute skype conversation.

He was quiet, face flushed again. “What’s he gonna do with it?”

“Who knows? Connor Murphy is batshit out of his mind.” Jared rolled his eyes again, turning away long enough to grab his phone. “Remember he through a printer at Mrs. G in second grade because he didn’t get to be the line leader that day?”

“Do you think he’s gonna show the letter to— ” Zoe? “ –other people?”

A snort of laughter came from the other. “He’s gonna ruin your life with it, for sure. I mean, I would.”

Yet another example of Jared being an asshole, as if Evan didn’t see that every time they spoke. Unfortunately, he didn’t exactly have any other friends, family related or not, so there wasn’t much he could do about it other than sigh. “What do I do?”

“I don’t know! Figure out a way to make Connor not be a freak and give you your weird sex letter back?” He continued scrolling through his phone, and distantly Evan could hear Mrs. Kleinman calling for him. “I gotta go. Listen, if you think of a way to not make Murphy a freak, let me know.”

And just like that, he was alone again. Might as well get started on another letter.

The next day was nothing like Evan thought it would be. One would say it was the day his life drastically changed.

It started with being called into the principal’s office – something that was unheard of for him – and was greeted with two people he’d never seen in his life. “Oh, hello, good morning. Is, uh, is Mr. Howard… Sorry.” He was barging in on something obviously. “I’m sorry, just, um, they said on the loudspeaker for me to go to the principal’s office?”

The male, who looked like a business man, stood up and approached him. “Mr. Howard stepped out.”

“Oh…” Evan took a step back, preparing to go back outside and wait to meet with him.

“We wanted to speak with you privately.” He motioned to the empty chair in front of them. “If you’d like to take a seat?”

Hesitantly, Evan slid into the seat while avoiding the other’s gaze. The air made him worry something was wrong – he’d never seen these people before, had no idea who they were, but they wanted to talk to him in the principal’s office without the principal?

“We’re, uh… We’re Connor’s parents.”

Shit. He started to panic mentally. He showed them the letter and now he’s being kicked out of school because he had a creepy fascination with their daughter and they were filing for a restraining order and—

“Oh.”

--they were going to take him to court over this stupid, stupid letter and he’d never get into college because his record will show he has a restraining order against him. Not like he was getting into any big colleges anyways, but even the smallest bit of hope shriveled up and died sitting in that chair.

The silence was eating away at him as his focus was on a single book spine on the shelf as his mind raced.

“Who don’t you go ahead and…”

The woman—Connor’s mom – spoke for the first time, and Evan slowly turned his head. “I’m going as fast as I can.”

“That’s not what I said, is it?”

The silence filled the room again as she unfolded a paper.

“This is, uh… Connor… wanted you to have this?”

Looking at the first line, Evan knew it was his letter. The text was like reading an embarrassing story online, and he wanted to melt right out of his chair. He tried to speak, but no words came.

“We never heard your name before.” The father spoke instead, sitting next to his wife. He finally took a moment to take in both of their faces – weary and tired, the mom with tear tracks on her face and the dad with a stern look. “Connor never mentioned you. And then we saw… Dear Evan Hansen--”

“He, uh.” Evan cleared his throat. “He gave this to you?”

“We didn’t know you two were friends.”

Wait. Friends?

“F-friends?”

“We didn’t think Connor had any friends. And then we see this… This letter. And it seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor were, or at least for Connor, that he thought of you as…”

They thought Connor wrote this? To him? And that they were friends? Why would Connor Murphy want to be friends with him? And what was with all the past tense words and where the hell was Connor in all of this?

“I mean, it’s right there, Dear Evan Hansen, it’s addressed to you, he wrote it to you.” His voice was harsher and angrier the longer Evan sat there with nothing to say.

“You think this, um, you think that Connor… wrote this to me.”

“These were the words he wanted to share with you.” Mrs. Murphy spoke again, quiet and almost as if she would cry again any second.

“His last words.”

“This is what he wanted you to have.”

“I-I… I’m sorry,” Evan’s mind was reeling at a rate no less than ninety miles an hour. “What do you mean, ‘last words’?”

The pair shared a pained look before Mr. Murphy turned back to Evan while Mrs. Murphy tried to not cry.

“Connor, uh…” There was no easy way to say it apparently, as he took a moment to find his words. “Connor took his own life.”

“He what?!”

“And this was all he had with him, it was folded up in his pocket. And you could see that he was… He was trying to explain it, why he was…”

Evan started shaking, trying to figure out why, how, what, why, when, how, why, why, why? Connor didn’t write this so that means he didn’t write a suicide note and maybe his isn’t actually gone, maybe he just ran off or something. Yeah, they didn’t know if he was actually gone… Except they found his letter in his pocket meaning they had his body…

“’I wish everything was different, I wish… I were a part of something, I wish what I said mattered--’ ”

“Larry, please.” Mrs. Murphy let out a sob, turning to her husband. “Stop it.”

“Okay.” Was the simple response she received, and Evan couldn’t bring himself to look at them both.

“But, this is, this is not, I’m, I’m sorry, I’m sorry but Connor, uh, no, Connor didn’t write this.”

“What does that mean?”

“Uh, Connor didn’t – he didn’t – write this.”

“Larry, what does he mean?”

“He’s obviously in shock.”

Evan’s hands were still shaking, his entire body feeling like it was shutting down. “No, no, no, I mean, he -- he didn’t, he didn— “

Mrs. Murphy stood up, looking at him desperately. “It’s right here!”

“-- I’m sorry I should, I should just, I need to go can I please go now?”

He was trying hard to not have a panic attack right there in the room with them, standing and throwing his bag over his shoulder as he and Mrs. Murphy both tried to talk over the other. The letter was gripped tightly in his casted hand as he tried to make his way to the door with unsteady legs, and luckily Mr. Murphy interviened.

“Honey, this is not the time.”

“This is all we have!” She sobbed, her words continuing as she tried to push him away.

“Listen to me! Please, Cynthia!”

“Here, you should uh,” Evan leaned forward, past Larry, to hand the paper back to Mrs. Murphy. “you should take this, please, just take it, please.”

It was quiet again, save for her sniffling and crying, until she froze with eyes glued on Evan’s cast.

“Larry… Look, his cast…”

Mr. Murphy turned and looked at his cast at the same time Evan looked down at it and the big signature Connor had written there just days before.

“His ‘best and most dearest friend.’”

After that fiasco and locking himself in a stall in the bathroom for two hours texting with Jared (which resulted in, surprise, no help what so ever) and scrolling through Facebook to try and calm down only to be met with memorial posts in Connor’s honor, he finally said screw it and sent a text to his mom telling him he couldn’t do school today and made his way home. That’s where things got even crazier.

Because sitting on his couch, was Connor Murphy.

#deh fic #dear evan hansen #evan hansen #connor murphy #deh #msmaa**#anxiety /#panic attack /#suicide ment /#my works

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sweetnestor · 7 years

Text

Story of Another Us | Week 7, Part 1

university au, platonic af, now on ao3!

this is the point where we (I, the lazy author) start skipping weeks, so donut fret for not finding weeks 5 and 6 bc they donut exist :)

previous chapter

Tell me if you wanted it at all

“Let me hear you,” Jack said.

I remained quiet, my face beet red.

“Come on, Bellers,” he coaxed.

“I don’t sing in front of people!” I blurted out, tangling my fingers together nervously.

“You sing in front of me!” interjected Mark, who was sat next to Jack on the sofa.

I hesitated. “B-But that’s different…”

“No, you always want someone to hear you sing before you post it on your channel!” he told me. “And it’s just me and Jack, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

I looked down at my keyboard. I was excited to sing for them earlier, but then the time came and I got cold feet. One of the few things I was proud of about myself was my ability to sing. I had perfect pitch since I took classes as a child. I could sing big vocals like it was nothing, high notes came easy to me. It was just intimidating every time someone heard me sing. I was being watched and judged and I was never good under that kind of stress.

But it was just Mark and Jack. I shouldn’t have been so nervous, but I was always nervous. I inhaled deeply and played the first few notes of the song I had chosen.

“I can still taste the ocean, like it was today…

You said ‘please keep on holding my hands’ and the rain it came too soon,

I will wait for you to love me again”

I kept my eyes on my fingers pressing the keys. In all honesty, I only wanted to sing this particular song to Mark because it made me think of him. I figured I would hint at it in the description box if I decided to be brave.

“Guess I was running from something, I was running back to you…”

Have you ever listened to a song and you just wanted to live in it? Or inject it into your veins? I had strong feelings when I heard this song, feelings similar to when I realized I really loved my boyfriend.

I took a quick glance at the two guys. They both had matching grins on their faces. I kept singing, slowly detaching myself from reality and getting lost in the music. And then came my favorite line:

“The darkest night never felt so bright with you by my side…”

That particular line always made me emotional. I was full of darkness, I was negative. But I had Mark, and he was my light in this mess that was my life. I hadn’t realized how down I was until I wasn’t really there anymore. I didn’t expect him to “heal” or “fix” me, I just needed his help.

“What did I tell you?” he said to Jack when I had finished. “She’s incredible, right?”

My face went back to red.

“Yes, she is!” Jack agreed. “You’re really talented, Bella!”

“Thank you,” I responded.

“They’re going to love you,” Mark told me.

The next time I sang Outer Space, I had my camera on. I did it one take and just uploaded the video. I did covers every now and again on my channel. Those, along with the occasional daily vlogs, were insanely popular compared to my makeup tutorials/rants.

Mark went back to his house after I posted my video. He was always busy with whatever projects he had going on. He was script writing, preparing sketches with Matt and Ryan, editing videos, and slowly but surely working on a tour. That was mainly why I barely saw him these days, even when I stayed at his house. The only reason why it didn’t bother me that much was because I had Jack to keep me company.

Once I thought of that, it dawned on me that he wasn’t going to be here permanently. The semester ends in May, then he would be going back to Ireland. What would I do then? He was the only friend I had. I never realized how alone I was until he came along. I had fun with him. He was slowly taking me out of my shell.

I mean, yes, I had Mark. But like I said, he was always busy, and it’s considered “healthy” and “normal” to have other friends besides your boyfriend. I didn’t know what I was going to do when I was alone again.

What did I do to distract myself from my future of crippling loneliness? I isolated myself in my bathroom and washed my collection of makeup brushes. When you’re a socially anxious makeup artist who uses online shopping as a coping mechanism, that takes up a lot of time. I had barely gotten through one brand of brushes before I heard footsteps out in my room.

“Baller!” Jack called. That’s a new one.

“In here!” I replied, reached over from the sink to open the door.

He came over and saw me, tilting his head. “What are you doing?”

“Washing brushes,” I said.

“All of those?” he asked in surprise, pointing to the giant pile on the counter.

I shrugged. “I’ve been putting off cleaning them.”

“Do you need help? Looks like you’re going to be here a while.”

“Sure, if you’re not busy.”

He happily approached the counter and stood next to me by the sink. I handed him a dirty brush and showed him how to properly wash it. It was simple, and now that there were two of us doing, things were getting done faster.

“So, what got you into makeup?” he prompted after a while. “Why do you like it so much?”

Oh man.

“Are you sure you wanna hear that story?” I asked in response.

“Yes!”

I sighed. This was a tough subject. “To put it shortly, there was a point in my life where everything sucked. I mean, there’s been plenty of times where everything sucked, but this one was pretty bad. I just wanted to feel good about something, so I bought a cheap little eyeshadow palette and wore that whenever I was down. Of course, that expanded and escalated, and here I am now.”

Jack nodded. “So you wear makeup when you’re sad?”

“I used to. But now I do it because I love it and it’s fun. I actually went to beauty school and everything, but I never finished it because of YouTube.”

“Well, that’s cool.” Jack put one brush aside and picked up another. “I didn’t know it was personal, by the way, I’m sorry if I was prying or anything.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ve wanted to make a video on why I got into makeup for a long time since I never talked about it, but I don’t want to seem depressing. Like… I want something like that to be helpful instead of just sharing my sob story.”

“It must be really serious then. Don’t worry about how you’ll sound. If you think you need to talk about it, then do it. If you think it’ll help someone, that’s even better.”

It was itching at me now that I had spoken out loud about it. I had never talked about this with anyone. Not Mark, not even my therapist. It was like a crying fit stuck in my throat and it refused to come out. Not that I particularly wanted it to, anyway.

“I’m still thinking about it,” I concluded.

“Well, no matter what you decide,” Jack said, “you have my support.”

“Thank you.”

He was so easy to talk to. I was fighting myself not to just spill everything out and burden him with the things that I’ve done. I couldn’t expose him to how bad I really was, and I really didn’t want to tell him something that I couldn’t even tell to my boyfriend.

Ironically, Jack asked if Mark knew this deep, dark story, and I said no. I hadn’t told anyone.

“Do you think you need to talk about it?”

“Yeah, but not anytime soon.”

“Should I be worried?”

“No. It’s a thing of the past.”

Exams and midterms still took place. It was mainly for the students transferring to actual universities after YTU closed for good, but everybody attending still had to take them. I was never good at studying, or good at school in general, but I managed to get by.

One of my classes, English, required group work, and that was a nightmare. I was interacting with others, but I still remained friendless. My yoga class sometimes involved partner poses, but I had Jack there to help me. That was probably one reason why we got closer.

But alas, Jack was leaving soon and then things won’t be the same anymore. I had Sophie - kind of - she was more of an acquaintance. She would mostly talk and I would listen. She had plenty of other friends, and her best friend, who I had in my yoga class. I was easily replaceable.

I had Mark too, but he was spreading himself thin lately. As much as he denied it, he was slowly stressing himself out. I would try to help him, but I was afraid of making him snap. He was just busy all the time, practically leaving me alone with Jack. Maybe that was another reason I got close to him. But that’s what Mark wanted, right? He wanted me to have at least one friend so that way, he didn’t have to worry or feel guilty that he was away from me all the time. That wasn’t a bad thing, I did need friendship.

It was a typical warm day… well, it wasn’t warm to me. Jack was a bit miserable, claiming it was “hot as fucking balls.”

“This is nothing compared to the summertime,” I told him, amused. “In my hometown, it’s all desert, so you’d get the dryest heat of your life. Oh, and during the spring, it’s so windy that you’re pretty much eating dirt.”

We were both out of class early due to exams. We had extra time to kill. It was nearing five o’clock and the campus was particularly barren. I didn’t have any videos to film today, and Jack liked to film well into the night.

“Can we go to the Tube?” he asked. “I heard it’s good.”

“Really?” I asked in response, my stomach immediately flipping over.

The Tube was a diner/bar specifically for vloggers, and it was connected with the university. I had only been there once, and I ended up having a panic attack in the bathroom. That was the last time I went to a restaurant… until I started dating Mark.

“Yeah, I’ve never been there! Please?” Jack asked, giving me and exaggerated pout.

I had to give in. I didn’t want to ruin everything, even if it meant sacrificing my own comfort and mental health. We walked down the street to the diner, my jaw clenched shut from the nerves.

Jack went to order us drinks while I found us a booth. It wasn’t particularly busy today, but there were intimidating vloggers scattered here and there. Some of them were looking at Jack, who was far more known and respected than I was.

He came over to the booth with two beers and sat across from me. “I don’t know what you like, so I went with Coors.”

“That’s fine,” I said, accepting the bottle and taking a gulp. Alcohol helped me relax in social situations. “I actually don’t drink that much.” Because I never go outside, therefore I had no reason to cope-drink.

“How come?” he asked. “You strike me as someone who does shots and cocktails.”

I shook my head, chuckling a little. “Nope. The idea that a liquid can impair your thoughts and actions is a bit terrifying.” Yet it’s one of your maladaptive behaviors. Okay then, Bella.

Jack rolled his eyes, amused. “Are you a lightweight, Bellers?”

I was embarrassed by that little fact for some reason. “No…”

“Chug your beer, then.”

“iChale! No way!”

“Come on! I’ll do it with you! Look!” Without missing a beat, Jack took his own bottle and began to down it.

Fuck it. This bout of nerves and anxiety wasn’t going to go down by itself. I tipped down my beverage, though I didn’t feel any different once I finished it. Beer never really did it for me, I needed something stronger.

“You drunk yet?” Jack jokingly asked when he put down his empty bottle.

“It’s gonna take more than that, mijito,” I said back.

At one point, a waiter came by and replaced our drinks with new ones. Jack ordered some food as well, and we got settled in.

“So, how’d you meet Signe?” I asked.

“She made some art of me, and I started talking to her on Tumblr,” he replied. “There was this time where she was streaming, she was drawing a picture of me. I went onto the stream and watched a little bit, and I told her ‘you better draw me pretty.’ She told me to go fuck myself.”

I giggled. “How romantic.”

“Yeah… I really miss her.” He took another sip of his beer. “How did you and Mark meet?”

“It was here at YTU. We had some classes together, and we were partnered together on a project,” I said. “And you know me, I was super quiet and awkward. Except, when he tried to make conversation with me, I did not want to cooperate.”

“Same old Bella,” Jack commented, smiling. “So you were friends before you started dating?”

“Yeah, we only started dating in October, but we’re pretty close.”

“Do you not drink because he can’t?”

“It’s a personal choice. You’d think with all the shit I have in here-” I pointed to my head “-I’d be a raging alcoholic. But no.”

“That makes you a very strong person. I respect that.”

I smiled. “Thanks, dude! Wanna do a shot or two?”

“Sure!”

When the waiter came with our food, I managed to order two tequila shots. One bright side of my drinking-in-social-situations habit, I could do things on my own without shaking as much. However, I was still too polite and shy to say anything when we were presented with a whole plate of tequila shots.

Jack was giggling once the waiter had gone. “Is this what you ordered?”

I hesitated. “I did say a shot or two…”

“Oh, tiny little Baller. Ready?” He took one small glass and held it up.

I took a deep breath and held up my own. “Let’s do this. To… friendship?”

“To friendship!”

And down went the first shot.

It burned my throat, but not enough to make me want to throw it back up. It just made me want to drink more. I was feeling better and more free as the alcohol set into my system. More people entered the diner, and I wasn’t plagued with the urge to hide in the bathroom. But if I did feel that, then I had more tequila to help me out with that.

I looked through my phone at one point, some time after emptying two more shot glasses. I was making sure I didn’t receive any texts from Mark. As usual, I had no new notifications, so I scrolled on Tumblr, and my heart began to burst.

“Jack,” I said urgently. “I need to tell you something.”

“Tell me,” he replied, leaning forward in his seat. His cheeks were flushed.

“You fans are so fucking nice, dude. I love them.”

“I know! Thank you! They’re being nice to you?”

“They’re drawing fanart, and they say my makeup is pretty!” I could have cried in that moment. “They also have this funny idea that we should be together.”

“That's called shipping,” Jack pointed out.

“I know, I'm just thinking,” I said, “maybe the shippers are going to my head or something.” I hesitated. “Do you think if you didn't have Signe, and I didn't have Mark, that we…” I let my sentence finish itself.

He actually considered it, looking at his empty shot glass with a lot of thought. “I don't know. I can't imagine myself with anyone but Signe. You and me? Maybe… in another life probably.”

“Another story,” I added. “Una historia de otros nosotros.”

“I'm going to pretend like I understood that.” Jack chuckled. “Do you actually think we could work?”

I shrugged. “Maybe. I mean, we're complete opposites, but maybe that's not a bad thing. You bring out my happy, energetic side, and I…”

“You teach me how to shut the fuck up,” Jack continued. “No but really, you taught me more about anxiety.”

“You make me want to be a better person,” I said, my words slurring a little bit. “You’ve made me feel less lonely. God, you're such a nice, good person Jack! I don't deserve a friend like you!”

“Aw, you're so sweet, Baller!” he replied. “I'm glad we're friends on some level, y'know? Sure, in another story we could be more than that, but I'm happy where we are right now. Besties, and nothing more.”

“Exactly! We should get bracelets or something...” I could have cried, this was such a nice moment. I really did love Jack, as much as you can love a good friend.

“If you and Mark ever break up, I'm still hanging out with you,” he said. “That's how close I think we are.”

“Bros before hoes doesn't apply to me?”

“You're a bro! The best bro, queen of the bros!”

“You sound like Felix.” I giggled.

“Maybe that's a sign we've had too much to drink. Let's call someone, shall we?”

“Yeah, let’s do it.” I pulled out my phone, somehow managing to dial Mark.

“Bellaboo!” he greeted upon answering.

“Hi Markimoo!” I greeted back, giggling like a little girl. “My love, my life, my wife!”

He chuckled on the other line. “Where are you?”

“Me and the Jack decided to have special friend time,” I explained. “We’re having fun, but maybe too much fun. There was tequila involved.”

“Oh, I understand. Can you drive, babe?”

Everything he was saying was funny. “I don’t think so. Could you be the bestest, sweetest person ever and pick us up? Estamos cerca del universidad, si sabes?”

“English, honey,” he told me.

“Y’know that one bar, restaurant, thing by campus? That’s where you’ll find me and my son.”

“Jack is your son now?” Mark laughed.

“Yes, I adopted him, and we’re raising him together! Right, Jack?”

“Right!” he replied even though he didn’t hear what me and Mark were talking about.

“Okay, I’ll be right there, baby,” Mark told me.

“Thank yooouu, I love yoouu,” I sang before hanging up.

_______

next chapter

#jacksepticeye fanfiction #jacksepticeye x reader #jacksepticeye x oc #markiplier x oc #markiplier x reader #markiplier fanfiction #sweetheart writes #soau #is where i put my read more break considered clickbait???

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aidyn-rose · 5 years

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hey..i hope you're sleeping by now, but anyhoo, i just really wanted to apologize for...well me today. a sincere apology, not one of the 'either one of us is upset and i feel like it's the only thing i can say bc i feel awful and want to die' sorry's. But when i was ranting to you to help calm me down, all of those things are my life and it's all i've ever known. i need you to know i'm an extremely sensitive person and my WHOLE life has been a mess, and so it's hard to believe that i can live a happy life. all i have ever seen around me is lies and chaos and disorder. i do not want that between me and you. i really want to be with you forever and have a kid or two with you, and i want to be able to love all of you with my whole heart. once i am older and can afford it, i will be going to a therapist and be getting meds to help me with, well, me. i really really want you to be in my life forever, and i just need you to understand that i need time with everything. i do not trust easy because i've never been shown trust my entire life. i want it to start with you, and i want you to help me get better and stay better.[...], I am so glad to have met you and been able to spend time with you and do the things we have done together. You do make me happy, even if i don't fully understand what is happening. I struggle with coping and getting myself out of a depressive rut once i've hit rock bottom, but i want you to be the one to reach your hand down and pull me back out. I want to go on cute dates with you and i want to go to concerts with you. i want to have all-nighters where we just do whatever. i want late-night snacks with you, sitting on the floor with only the fridge light shining on us through a slit as we sit in only shirts and underwear, giggling so the neighbors don't hear. i want to be able to call you when i feel like i did tonight and i want to be able just lay in bed and stare at your face until the dawn peaks through the blinds and hits our bodies relaxing against one another. I want to enjoy times of soft cuddles, where we are very intimate with just the idea of just the touch of our hands against each other's skin enough for us to feel like we are creating whole universes between our touch. i also want you to bend me over and pull my hair and fuck me so hard and so good for so long. i want to have our apartment together where we can do whatever with each other. i want to be able to come home after a stressful day and just sit on the couch, and you just know. you get a blanket and we sit there and watch tv in silence of each other to feel better. i want to be able to have that wedding day with you and to have our first dance. i doubt we'd have a traditional wedding but we'd make whatever we decide work 😂 i want to have your kids and to be able to get a big home and be able to give our children all the love and things i never got. i want to be able to get them that brand new car or send them on vacation every school break so they can just be happy. i want this life with you, [...]. i want you. i love you. i always will.”

a message from me

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captainalwayslazycollectort-blog · 6 years

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