#and what better way to support that than make it myself?

[just-antithings]

I wanted to piggy-back off the Harry Potter ask regarding performance activism specifically regarding Harry Potter fandom.

I'm a little woozy after a medical emergency I had this week but I'm scared ill forget this, so bare with me, please.

JK Rowling coming out as a TERF was absolutely heartbreaking especially as a queer person who grew up on the series. The series was a life-line in a time where I was being drowned in loneliness. I literally grew up with the books. I started when I was eleven and read the final books ad an 18 yr old.

And when she first came out, I was one of the many who wanted to walk away and no longer wanted to associate with it, but felt so wrong.

It felt wrong on many levels. On the most noticeable, it made me incredibly sad that I felt I was no longer allowed to read the books, enjoy the movies with my family, got to some of the Harry Potter exhibits with my family. A huge part of my adolescence was suddenly forbidden.

Abstaining from the series was hurting me more than it was impacting her.

Then, from a more social justice perspective, what does us abstaining actually do? I mean really, it's like the trnasphobes dumbing their beer over Dylan. Or burning merch over finding out someone is gay or whatever. We make fun of people destroying their merch because the corporations already have their money.

It's the same thing with JKR. She already made her money. She doesn't care what her fans think because she doesn't have to.

Refusing to engage with a piece of media to feel morally superior just makes the individual feel better and I think we do it because people feel powerless and like they have no other way to advocate and fight against transphobia.

It also feels like a way to feel morally superior and as an opportunity to punch down.

So, I, a queer person, let myself enjoy a piece of media creates by a transphobe, because that piece of fiction has grown to be so much more than its creator.

For advocacy?

I donate. I engage with the community. I'm mindful of the conversations I engage in. I speak when needed and listen when needed. I donate when I can. I support trans creators when I can. I vote. I learn our queer history and understand where we've come from and what has allowed us to grow into the community we are now.

Personally, I find it more satisfying and more rewarding, and more impactful than ignoring a fandom and piece of literature that has brought myself and my family joy.

Anywho, hope this makes sense. Thanks for your time!

.

#mod erin #ask #posted without comment

[witheredsnow]

My first blogged short story awhile ago that I just thought of posting to... Idk. I guess to relieve myself of some things by turning it into embellished fiction. It was more well-received than I thought. Now this is the third. Thanks for reading. -Rei

It's Not the Same, a short story on an aroace POV

Sunny mornings, cool windy breezes and the sparse green. That was what most days were like with you, my dearest friend.

Sprawled on the ground of your small yard. Green was hard to come by sadly.

We were both young and lived like the world was a fantasy.

Although, I wished I could be in a better fantasy. With you, of course.

A cottage in the woods, surrounded by green, yellows, blues, pinks and violets. Even young, I wanted an idyllic life.

Wouldn't that be a great fantasy.

And I told you about it. Would you want to be there with me too? When we're both older and have to live in reality, let's have this piece of fantasy. Together.

Oh how happy my words made you look. Sparkly eyed youth with red tinted cheeks.

Then you held out your pinky... Oh, right. Of course I would promise.

I want to be with you even years later. And I know you feel the same way as you told me too.

...

.....

But perhaps, it wasn't exactly the same way.

...

We grew older into bigger kids though still kids and still the closest of bonds there is.

Adults say we look cute together as we continue to grow older. Mmm... I mean, I suppose? Individually we look cute, so together we're cuter. I think I understand the logic.

Or maybe I misunderstood.

... I don't know.

Hm? You seem more timid when they say that.

Everyone looked on with a knowing smile or glance.

I... Really don't understand.

...

....

And sometimes I wished I continued to stay ignorant.

But that would be unfair to you, no?

...

Getting even older. It wasn't that exciting to me, in all honesty.

I think I'm starting to get into the reality of growing older... Not that fun. Oh, how I daydreamed of our childhood fantasies when I'm bored.

I never gave up on that dream as I continue to dream it night and day. Do you still remember?

Of course you do. You would encourage and support me too. I know I will want you to be there with me.

You know, that was what I was most looking forward to in getting older. To be with you in that fantasy like I've told you many years ago.

You smiled softly at the declaration I said out loud.

Although, these days... I don't think it'll be just as I wanted. I... Don't know what it is. I don't know where is it not what I wanted.

...

....

But later, I know what it was.

....

Huh? Pardon? What did you say?

My mind stopped working. Or rather, it was working but it was working to block out the words I don't understand why I was denying. Did that make sense?

Hm... Anyway, erm, I understand what you said that you were feeling. Towards me to be exact. And I understand the context of said feelings...

Maybe I did a while ago...

If I said I don't feel the same way or rather, I never will feel the same and I never did feel the same... No, that's not an 'if'. I should say it and I did.

The eyes that looked at me fondly and with growing attraction I chose to ignore when I became aware of its nature now looked hurt. Because I hurt you with this truth.

You thought I felt the same. That I liked you... Or possibly even loved you.

And I did and still do. But... It wasn't ever the same way as you. It took me long to be aware of that.

I... I'm sorry.

...

.....

It wasn't the same ever since that day and I sometimes grieved because of that fact.

So this is reality for us, huh.

....

You looked great together.

I said that as I attended your wedding. Now those words are truly fitting.

You smiled a small smile as I did the same.

It really wasn't the same anymore. But that's not always a bad thing. If it meant that I could see you smile again and have your heart be reciprocated the same way, then it definitely isn't now.

You're still my dearest friend... No matter what.

...

.....

"Hey... So house—or rather, cottagewarming party soon?"

"Yeah. Don't be late."

...

#Aroace #aroace #aromantic #asexual #aro #writers on tumblr #rei's random stuff #written

[gammija]

the real reason tmagp is on break 'til april 11th is so sam can observe ramadan without being chased by a murderous clown blob

#tmagp #tmagp s1 #tmagp spoilers #the Magnus protocol #if for some islam-related reason this joke doesn't work plz tell me - i was thinking. i would like to see some content #exploring/including sam possibly being muslim considering his name and VAs ethnicity #and what better way to support that than make it myself? #joos yaps #samama #samama khalid #tmagp sam #but i am v much an outsider so lmk if i missed something #tbf. i cannot think of any way this could be somehow misconstrued. but you dont know what you dont know!

[8cfc00]

im literally going to throw up im sooooo mad i never got to trick or treat OR sleepover OR play dnd in all SIXTEEN YEARS OF MY FUCKING LIFE..... im supposed to be a TEENAGER doing TEENAGE THINGS but for some reason i CANT

#THE FUCKING TEENS IN DNDADS HAVE A BETTER SOCIAL LIFE THAN ME #WHAT THE HELL #sorry im listening to teen talk and theyre talking about key pivotal teen moments #and i literally have not been over to a friend's house in a YEAR #AND NONE OF MY IRLS EVEN WANT TO GO OUT AND PRACTICE CINEMATOGRAPHY W ME #THIS IS FUCKED #im not that mad about it though #pretty okay on my own #i enjoy the time i get to spend w myself #and i enjoy the freedom that it provides me #an di understand that i gotta make the most out of the situation i am unfortunately in #but like its so fucking hard to do things without the support of a friend by yr side... #but like being friends w someone just for the shit they provide you is kinda fucked #and if i think too hard about the power of friendship and the strong emotional bonds it creates #bad stuff happenbs #idk i just find it hard to find people who understand me #and i tend to click with people who don't share very similar perspectives on friendship w me #i just wish it was as easy for me as it seems to be for the teens #and in a way im afraid im falling behind or missing out cuz i lack a strong friendgroup to fuck around w #but i mean ive been told sleepovers are overated anyway soooo

[bitchfitch]

i just got done with my third chiro appointment, and like. I've noticed a significant improvement in terms of how much pain I'm in but I'm also noticing i can't like. stay sitting up. I can sit, which isn't always the case, but the muscles in my back are so loosey goosey/ not responding/ spasming that I keep curling forward until my head is almost pressed to the bed in front of me while I'm sitting cross legged. Don't know what that's about but it's affecting productivity something awful.

#like #i have shockingly good muscle tone considering how little i can move so this isnt a strength issue. #Ish. Like. the thing with eds is that if you have it severe enough your muscles have to pick up the slack for your ligaments #which results in you building way more muscle than you would expect #I cant lift more than 25lbs in like a bag or something without dislocating my elbows/shoulders #but i can bench 180~ and barbell squat my own weight #its just a matter of not pulling on anything #Tbh i think this is just the level of Nonsense that happens when my muscles arnt constantly tense. #my ligament structure isnt sturdy enough to work without that extra reinforcement #Anyways ive needed a back brace since i was 12 but insurance wont pay for it and like fuck am i able to shell out the 20k myself. #Ive looked into corsets but my proportions are so weird that id need a custom pattern #which is Pricey to get from a reputable company. like 2-3k which is better than 20. but still out of reach. #Im not confident enough in my drafting ability to make one myself. #seeing ms.banner. a real and skilled seamstress who knows what shes doing. lay herself out with a bad corset pattern is kinda #a good sign that maybe i an idiot whos sewing experience is stuffed animals and quilts. should not fuck around with my spinal health #I think id be more comfortable doing it myself if there were more mens corset patterns and more examples of how non #lingerie mens corsets are like. meant to work #i dont exactly need bust support. and most women's corsets dont have the shoulder support mens do. and thats like. #the area im most scared about fucking up bc its already a nightmare #tbh when i get the sg shop open im putting all the profits into a savings account and just working hard to get the budget to pay #for a proper corset.

[salsflore]

ummmm

#oh mika there is beauty in life~ look at your future! everything will be worth it in the end~ #my favorite image on this device btw ^ #cw negative #cw vent #you know where this is going. apologies my mind is a mess and i really just need to get it out because i find its better than- #-writing a semi formal email to that One (1) emotional support organization and i’m afraid to make a call so #but i just genuinely believe things would be better off if i weren’t alive. a bit of a silly thing to jump to i know but #my tuition fees aren't cheap and i'm not even that great of a student or a daughter or a sister and i- #-have no talents or remarkable feats. i’m not impressive in any way. and i hate hearing shit about how ^_^ its okay! we all have something- #-special about ourselves! for example maybe you have really good hand writing and thats good enough ~ but that doesn't work for me because- #-i have nothing. my handwriting isn't good my singing isn't good i'm not artistically gifted i don't have some random affinity for puzzles- #-i'm not charming or somehow really good at calculation or super creative or a really comforting friend i really have nothing at all #i don’t want to die. i have no plans on doing that sort of thing anytime soon— don’t misunderstand me #i just wholeheartedly believe i don’t deserve to be here anymore not because i’m not loved. i just can’t stand myself and my teenage years- #-feel so long and i'm so fragile how much longer do i have to tolerate. i'm contributing nothing. why should my family have to feed and- #-clothe a burden like me who provides nothing. why should my friends care for someone like me. i’m not really that funny or sweet or great- #-with advice giving or pretty or helpful in any way. why is it that life is genuinely easier for others. what did i do? what can i do? #how much longer must i tolerate this? would you believe me if i said i really did try to change my mindset this time? #i have no one in real life to talk to. therapists are pricey and i don’t think mine was helping me in any way anyways. she was nice though #so every night i sleep hoping i wake up somewhere else. somewhere where i'm happier and i can live all my silly fantasies where i'm a fun- #-and lovely person who has everything she wants and nothing goes wrong ever!! #how much longer must i hang onto the little things. i’m in such an exruciating amount of pain that i want to kill myself without dying? lol #everyone repeats the same stuff. get bit #i can't rely on the joy of having coffee every morning or persevere for the sake of seeing cute cats on insta. nothing will ease the burden

[oglegoggle]

Idiot ex expected literally everyone around him to bend over backwards to do everything for him because he’s got ADHD and therefore isn’t capable of doing household chores or not breaking my belongings or responsibly managing his finances. He would throw up ADHD as a get out of jail free card literally every single time his behavior hurt me and I just had to accept it. Outright told me one time that trying to teach him how to do chores properly without breaking shit was triggering for him. But then was upset to see me call him an idiot and a coward in the notes on a post I reblogged about how shitty ADHD folks who use their ADHD as reason to never face consequences for their inconsiderate and selfish behavior.

Like yeah ADHD sucks and it requires a lot of difficult managing. But legit if you’re gonna say that it’s “triggering” to be expected to put away dishes without breaking them or take the used kitty litter to the dumpster outside every single day you’re just a pathetic self absorbed piece of shit. ADHD or not behavior like this has consequences and sometimes those consequences are the people you’re living with think you’re a selfish moron they don’t want to live with.

Your RSD is correct here dude, acting like this will make people drop you from their lives. You’re in your 30s and can’t do basic household chores. I had to walk on eggshells literally constantly with him because expressing even the tiniest amount of being upset with him would trigger a full blown self loathing meltdown and then he would be upset at me for hurting his feefees. He’s got ADHD, he’s got RSD, he’s got bipolar, it’s oooobviously my fault for triggering him and I need to calm him down and coddle him and reassure him that I’m not going to leave just because he hurt me repeatedly and did nothing to make up for hurting me or stop that behavior that was hurting me. He’s not capable of doing better and it makes him feel insecure that I deserve better treatment he’s not capable of giving me. I better reassure him that I’m okay with his shitty treatment of me or else he’ll fuckin kill himself. No he doesn’t want to go to couples counseling, that would be a waste of time and money.

Wow I’m such a shitty partner for not getting rid of all the glassware in my home so he won’t break it constantly. Wow I’m such a shitty partner I didn’t remind him to maintain his friendships outside of our relationship, obviously not telling him to remember to talk to and spend time with his friends is the same as somehow forbidding him from seeing them. Wow I’m such a shitty partner I don’t want to cook literal goddamn chicken rice & veg meals for his fucking dog and foot the bill for it, just like I was paying all of the other household bills as well as our entire shared food budget and cooking our meals every day because he would break shit and set fires if I didn’t. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for expecting him to actually pay the landlord his portion of the rent. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for smoking so much of his weed. Wow I’m such a shitty partner I won’t allow his awful cat in my home again after it slashed my fucking eyeball and put me in the ER. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for being constantly made sick by the filth and squalor he created faster than I could clean up without help. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for expecting to be helped with the cleaning. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for not accommodating his ADHD and letting him treat me like garbage without consequence. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for having needs and boundaries. Wow I’m such a shitty partner for not tolerating his abuse forever.

It was abuse.

He abused me.

Having ADHD does not make your behavior not abusive. ADHD does not absolve you of being an abuser. There are plenty of ADHD folks in this world that have actual honor and dignity about themselves. Don’t act like ADHD is a free excuse to abuse others. That’s not RSD talking that’s your conscience, listen to it. Treat those who care about you with genuine respect and they won’t reject you.

#this is goggles #bleh I’m cranky and lonely but at least I’m not dealing with his idiocy anymore #I would very much like to be held and loved #not loved for how silently and gracefully I can endure being abused #I want to be loved gently #I want to feel safe to express negative emotions with them in a healthy manner in ways we can work on solutions and build a better love #I want to feel like I don’t have to be the only responsible person in charge of everything all of the time #I want to live in a clean home that doesn’t make me sick with masses of spilled soda and cat piss on every surface and bugs and mold #I want to have my belongings regarded with care and have them replaced when occasional mishaps happen #I want to not have to constantly be parenting someone older than myself because they completely lack basic skills and emotional regulation #I want to be able to rely on my partner not just be a totally reliable rock to them without support of my own #I want to relax and feel at peace in my own home not constantly stressed by their behavior and shit pets #I want to have people in my life who make me feel secure and safe and supported and seen #I gave up everything to leave that life behind me I deserve and need better from the folks around me #it sucks and it’s lonely but I’m going to find better #hopefully in Seattle I’ll be able to find friends and love and support I need #I really hope so this life is so lonely and my body aches so much #When I feel like I miss him it is not because he was a good partner it is because I haven’t ever had a partner to live with before him #I will find a new partner who will want to live with me and will treat me better #I will get the love and respect and support I need elsewhere he won’t give me what I need #just gotta ignore that irritating feeling of missing him it will not benefit me he will only hurt me and make me feel like I’m at fault #even his friends think he’s a douchebag I wish I would’ve listened to them early on when they were trying to warm me #bleh my body aches I really need some touch and affection #I hate possessing this almost esoteric knowledge that being held reduces the pain in my body this was so much easier to handle before #I’m going to be 27 in a couple weeks I’m still so young but I feel so old #I have never been good at dating and I loathe having to date to find a partner can I just skip ahead to the part where I have a kind lover? #I want to have my back rubbed and neck kissed I want to be held while I sleep and feel safe and at ease #I’d take it even for a single night right about now it’s been months and I know I have months more ahead of me before I’ll even be hugged #wish I had the dough and know how to hire a companion for the evening #not even really for sex just like I really need to be held for a little while being held is so important for my mental and emotional health

[broadswipeslideshow]

damn .

#wow. it's been bad. like really bad? #ive had my shitty moments but i think the past week takes a place in the top 5 #idk what the fuck has been wrong with me but oh my god i am horrible. a complete mess. i cannot even function right now #the amount of times i've dissociated the past couple of days is ??? crazy. never had that happen except 4 when i went through severe trauma #just.... i can't focus. my sight gets all fuzzy and i don't have the mental capacity to return to my body #i am just numb and lifeless and my entire being is dead weight. it's too much effort to move so i just stare into a blurry atmosphere #most of the time. wishing i was dead tbh. #every single day i think 'i'm gonna kill muself.' i say it to myself constantly #like a source of comfort or some fucked up shit #i swear to god i have missing time from the past week. like what was i doing all day? where did i go? #it kind of scares me and the fact that i think i'm hallucinating doesn't make it any better #i keep hearing voices that aren't there and i saw a cockroach in my bathroom.... but it wasn't one #it was just me imagining it plus it was way too fast to be one #but i literally gasped and flinched back and watched it go behind my toilet. yet it wasn't there #what the fuck is happening to me? #i should be happy. i got accepted into college. and yet i'm not. i'm worse than ever before #my dad doesn't even support me on this. i don't have anyone to talk to. and i just really want to fucking die #and idk. i always think to myself how much i hate myself but i never really took it that seriously #but then the other day i realized how much i truly believe and KNOW i am a bad person. i am not good. #like wow i guess i really do hate myself #starting to suspect i have bpd :/ never really thought abt it before #but from what i keep reading and seeing most of my symptoms match up perfectly #favorite person / self harm / mood swings / utter lack of care for myself / anger and resentment toward others all the time #so much shit idk. my therapist says i self harm but i really have no idea if what i do is considered self harm #i mean. i guess it has left scars. but i don't think i do it out of hatred for myself? but maybe i do #considering i've come to the conclusion that i fucking despise every aspect of myself #i don't think it's normal to put yourself in someone else's shoes and think 'why would they ever want to be friends with me?' #there's too many other things to say but. i'm stupid and ugly and i want to die and fuck my life lmao. i hate it here for real.

[onlygodknowsimgood]

When I was young, I never really understood my parents insistence to only use olive oil imported from Palestine. It took a long time and a great distance in a process that was neither cheap nor convenient. The oil came in old beat-up containers that did not look appealing to me at all. In my head, if they wanted to support distant family back home, they could just send them money and save us and them a big hassle. We could just use the nice looking olive oil containers from the nearby store. Yet, this was never an option in our household. The only olive oil we used at home was from Palestine.

‎As I grew up and started a student part-time job, I worked with olive oil a little. I knew all about olive oil imported from Spain, Italy, and other countries. I knew which ones were better and more expensive. I also learned to tell, based on the pungent taste, which ones were extra virgin. I was tempted to use my employee discount to bring home one of the fancy bottles and use at our kitchen. I could not get myself to do it, and I did not exactly know why. I felt like it would be disrespectful to my parents even if it didn’t make sense to me. It did not feel right. It was not an option.

‎After living in Palestine for a year during the olive picking season, something changed. The olive picking season in Palestine is holy.

‎Palestinians relate to the weather based on how it would benefit or harm the olives. There is well-known unspoken rule about treating olive trees with respect. There is a day off from work just to pick olives. On public transportation, it is not unusual to hear someone on the phone telling their friend to stop by for their share of this year’s olive oil stored in what used to be a Coca-Cola or a liquor bottle. A driver will stop in the middle of the way to give his brother- in- law a jar of olives that are so close to one another that they start to crush showing their insides.

‎In Nablus, the owner of the Nabulsi soap factory takes pride in how picky he is about getting his olive oil. He insists on filling a cup to let me smell how authentic it is and smirks as he sees my diasporic facial expressions transform in appreciation of its strong smell running through all of my brain cells.

‎I started noticing how olive oil is an essential part of so many dishes. “Palestinians drink more olive oil than water” I would jokingly say and they would laugh in agreement. Olive oil is truly an everyday ritual.

‎They fantasize about its color when it’s fresh and remind me that it starts to change as it reacts with oxygen over time. They dip their bread into olive oil, just like that and without any additions, and enjoy it more than the sweetest of all foods. I can guarantee that every lunch invitation (عزومة) I received during the olive-picking season was a chance for my hosts to share their olive oil using Msakhan (a traditional Palestinian dish).

‎I now have a deeper understanding of the psychology behind the burning of olive trees by Israeli soldiers and why farmers moan at the scene as if they lost a loved one.

‎Wherever you are, if it’s accessible to you, make sure your olive oil is Palestinian. Your ancestors would want that.

- Dima Seelawi

#palestine #olive trees #olive oil #فلسطين

[justroll]

my neck and shoulders are so tense rn i feel like they'll squeak if i try to turn my head

#jess mess #why am i like this #i already journaled about it #i want attention but asking for it feels impossible #oh now i'm crying again cool #it doesn't feel impossible bc i can't reach out #it feels impossible that my problems are somethin g anyone else wants to hear #i tell my friends all the time that i love them and that when they let me support them it makes me feel like they love me back #if i believed myself i'd ask them but #i feel like #like i'm a kid again and the only way to get attention is to be good #to not make a fuss #to support everyone else better than anyone else and to be fine because it doesn't matter what i feel #because what else am i good for #what am i good for except for doing everything for everyone else and not ever asking for anything #fucking people pleaser #fucking christianity and parents who beat it into me #i'm so tired of being nice #i don't even know if it counts as being kind any more #because kindness is different from nice #i think i'm disassociating #my body feels very far away #it's kinda nice tbh #yeah i know it's not healthy but you know what this is my blog and i'm allowed to have a crisis every now and then #maybe i'll have an eighth of a gummy and see if that calms me down lol #they're 20mg whole but cut into eighths is like 2.5mg and that's a low enough dose to get me to calm down without getting high #so you know. #responsible breakdown lol #i haven't had it yet but this feels a bit better

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

#delete later #finally dragged myself out of my lil depressed time enough to start my physio routine properly again so yay me #my foot still hurts like a bitch but i dont think it is fractured. i havent been contacted about an x ray but i doubt ill need one #idk what the fuck is actually wrong with it but hey its probably not bone stuff #i need to be real careful aboit the way i walk thoigh bc the way i was balancing on my bad foot was making my hip and other #ankle complain a LOT so ive changed where fhe insole sits in my shoe to hopefully support it better #i still cant bear weight on my toes but its at least not excruciating anymore #god im sick of injuring myself. my finger locked up again this morning. doctor said it probably was trigger finger and shed #pass me on for a steroid shot in the joint. low-key hoping shes forgotten to do it bc that sounds like it fucking sucks #that one spot in my foot is still swelling daily as well. no idea what the fuck is happening there #im very tired of it. but hey. got the energy to do my exercises and thats better than nothing #and completed both bracers just waiting on the rings so i can make the straps #trying not to buy worbla bc i dont have the space to do anything #oh well

[philosophicallie]

also being short in the western world is fucking humiliating and not even in a compare your appearance way. its the fucking constant lack of fitting clothing because your proportions are so fucking short because you total up to fucking FIFTY FIVE!!!! 55 inches ONLY

small sized clothing will usually still have 4-5 excess inches for fucking standardization IM NOT THE STANDARD IM A STUPID SHORT ASIAN IMMIGRANT JUST LET ME HAVE SMALLER CLOTHES WITH SOME FUCKING DIGNITY

#this is a very personal problem and i wish i could complain more but i dont have theq energy and all i have are tears #but like i already live thru the embarrassment of asking for help constantly and using stupid ass ladders #cant i at least fucking have some actual short people pants please. please. i have to geqt shit tailored or start doing mods myself but #I SHOULDNT HAVE TO ITS 2023 #i literally want to die tonight so i can stop being a burden on my bfs bc i can feel it i can feel how taxing i am and i know i shouldnt be #thinking this but like. i cant stop. i make it hard to be my friend i make it scary to be nice to me all i wnt to do is attack bc im hurtin #but thats not. gonna make me feel better in any way but thats not gonna stop the constsnt impulse in there to just start screaming #and its worse knowing thwt no matter what route is taken ill still get angry. or maybe i just want them to be angry about me already so i #have an excuse to get wngry back and idk. feel catharsis through that or something #idk. i hate my stupid brain and i hate my stupid ex for making me hate it more #im so angry and i have no one who is comfortable enough to deal with that so instead ill sleep earlu @ #idk i hate differences they make me fixated on all the ways i can get angry about it so idk how to deal w that #i have so much to compare + i cant say it bc if i do then theyll be conscious abt it/theyll know its smth that just adds .1% to anger meter #ugh i think were hoing to moms this Christmas and while thsts nice i dont. have the emotional capacity to confide in her #i only want my mom. but i cant tell her any of this bc theres nothing that she csn even do #other than just throw money at me for support #i hate this #original #vent

[hagravenholm]

Sometimes I’m like, yes the lowest level of the hierarchy pyramid is fulfilled which is great you know to have shelter and stuff. But then I’m like you know … I could achieve so much more without like idk having to live with a cunt of a cat who not only terrorizes my own little cat but gives me anxiety attacks and idk some sense of personal boundaries or maybe less guilt or passive aggression who knows .

#but hey. at least I have a place to sleep which isn’t nothing. #but it’s like no wonder I have the mental issues I fucking have! I’m proud of myself for not being worse honestly. #the way everything is sooooooo unbelievably backhanded and insincere and completely inauthentic. #yet I’m supposed to respect and quote value this idea of family and support #idk it’s better than nothing for sure. and i am grateful despite how it may sound #but it isn’t 100% and it doesn’t feel true or real sometimes. not unless you fit the mold not unless you present well. #and what makes that any different than the rest of the world and people that family is supposed to be a refuge from.. idk maybe I am just #an alienated pos.