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ice-cream-nekogirl · 4 years

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lights will guide you home (Tokoyami Fumikage X Reader) PART 3

PART 3 to: https://ice-cream-kitsunegirl.tumblr.com/post/189819603459/lights-will-guide-you-home-tokoyami-fumikage-x

FOLLOWS AFTER: https://ice-cream-kitsunegirl.tumblr.com/post/612187050604675072/if-i-cant-love-her-tokoyami-fumikage-x-reader

Taglist: @shimy-deko, @teerama

Summary: After fumbling about in the dark, the light finally guided you home, but will everything be back the way it used to before you lost your memory?

All of my memories keep you near. In silent moments imagine you here. All of my memories keep you near. Your silent whispers, silent tears.

-‘Memories’ Within Temptation

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM6PYawZ8nk

2 DAYS AGO...

“Tokoyami...”

You found yourself saying his name which just pissed off the man when he cracked open an eye, “Already thinking about your boyfriend that you left?! OH NO GIRLY! I’ll kill you!! I’ll kill your stupid boyfriend if you can’t fucking choose! It’s either him… or me!” He screamed as you finally had enough sense to realize how unstable this person was.

“No!” You shouted and used your light against him to blind him once more and you swiped the gun out of his hands as he lost control of the wheel and you couldn’t stop yourself from screaming when you heard the car screeching and swerving into another row of trees…

CRASH!!

2 DAYS LATER…

Aizawa let out a heavy sigh after finishing speaking with the Bakugou family along with All-Might at his side. They had spoken to just about every one of the 1-A student’s families in spite of the fact that one student was still missing.

Naturally the parents were very skeptical, and some were a tad bit unfriendly given the fact that while Bakugou was rescued and brought back home. One was still missing, and no one has found them yet. It gave them little reason to trust the UA staff so talking to the parents was more difficult than they thought.

“I’m highly certain that (L/N) is out there. She was last seen at the training camp wasn’t she?” All-Might tried to express some hope that you were still alive and still out there because the pro-heroes were looking around vigorously for you after your parents became extremely frantic when they found out that you were missing.

Aizawa didn’t dare tell them the exact details though about how it was another one of his students that was partially responsible for your disappearance. For he feared that would be the least logical thing to tell an extremely worried family who in their desperation and emotional states would lash out and blame the student, the school, and probably file some kind of lawsuit or something.

“She was. But Midoriya and Shouji said that she was using her quirk to fly, until Tokoyami’s quirk knocked her out of the sky. They searched the entire forest and didn’t find a body, but they did find blood.” Aizawa was more cynical about this situation, but clung to the hope that you were out there, but where were you exactly?

“Was it hers?”

“(L/N)’s blood type is (B/T). The blood they found was (B/T).” He replied neutrally, but was secretly relieved to know that the blood was yours as it meant that you were definitely in the forest, at least until they lost the trail of blood as the last droplet was found on a road.

“If these findings indicate anything, I’m going to assume that after she was attacked by Dark Shadow, she walked through that forest, found the road into town, and hitched a ride.” Was Aizawa’s best hypothesis as he thought about it based on everything that some of the pro-heroes found. However, there was something else that alarmed him. Which was news of a car crash that occurred the next morning after all the 1-A students were sent home or to the hospital.

Only the body of the driver was found, and while his car was totaled the driver survived, but the pro-heroes claimed that someone else’s blood was found in the wreck. (B/T) blood.

“Do you think…?” All-Might had heard about this news, and he started to come up with his own theories based on how everything was slowly starting to piece together. Aizawa gave a slow nod, but at the same time he still worried, even though he wouldn’t say it. He hoped that he would see you soon, just so he could know that you were still alive, and that he could still do something to help you recover after a traumatic experience.

You were his student dammit…

BANG!

All-Might let out of a startled shout and for once Aizawa jumped ever so slightly at the sudden, loud impacting noise coming from the window as he swiftly turned to see no one other than you. Face dirtied and covered in blood, grime and your (H/C) hair a complete mess with your (E/C) eyes widened and frenzied as you had your bloody hands clasped against the glass as you heavily panted from exhaustion, desperation and terror.

“(L/N)?!” Your teacher reacted quickly when you sank to your knees and he got of the limousine fast so he could check on you. You looked horrible, cuts and scratches lacerated around your body with dried up blood across some of your more infected wounds as you trembled in your teacher’s arms when he picked you up.

“We need to get her to a hospital right now.” Aizawa didn’t hesitate as he carried you into the car and told the drive to step on it. Finally...

You prayed to whatever deities were up there that this wasn’t a hallucination. It was Aizawa right? Not just a figment of your imagination? Please you prayed that this was truly them after walking and running for so long...

“Young (L/N)… what kind of journey have you been through…?” All-Might asked you as you were fading in and out of consciousness and couldn’t even answer without shuddering. “No don’t speak… you’ve been through enough…” However, the former Symbol of Peace gently hushed you so you didn’t strain yourself after everything you’ve been through…

“A… Al… All M-Mmmight…?”

Blinking your tired eyes slowly, you recognized this man, he looked like some kind of, emaciated version of All-Might. No… this was All-Might, but why did he look like that? You weren’t exactly around to watch the battle between him and All For One.

“Yes… yes it’s me… please, don’t strain yourself.” He replied to you gently once it became clear that you had recognized him despite not seeing or hearing of the most recent news.

“(L/N). You need to rest, your wounds look pretty bad, so we’re taking you to the hospital. You won’t need to speak until you’re well enough to.” That was the first time you heard Aizawa speak so gently to you, and you could tell he was genuinely worried.

It was Aizawa... it was All-Might... you weren’t imagining anything...

You just wished you could tell him everything right now, especially now that you remembered everything after losing your memory even just for a little bit. Still, you heeded their wishes as you found yourself slowly closing your eyes all the while the two adults told you that everything would be okay.

Yet in the back of your head you could still see your classmates as their faces lingered in your restored memory like Izuku, Shouji...

Tokoyami...

AT THE HOSPITAL…

Post-traumatic amnesia is what they call it apparently as you were put in the hospital and had your infected wounds treated by the nurses and Recovery Girl as soon as she found out that the other lost student from UA was found, injured.

Apparently, it’s a temporary state of confusion or memory less that usually almost always happened after a traumatic brain injury, which is why you couldn’t remember what happened after you were attacked.

By Dark Shadow…

Being with that… that guy from the car, somehow triggered your memory when he made you increasingly nervous and made you use your quirk. Just activating the quirk you didn’t know you had in the moment made you remember everything, and how you even got there.

How you got attacked by your classmate completely by accident, on the run from a villain no less, when you crashed into a tree that’s when it all went black. Then when you came to is when you had no idea where you were at, at least until you found yourself in a car with some psychopath…

“Can you tell us what happened?” And once you were well enough police were already questioning you, but there was no way you were going to say that your classmate indirectly caused all of this. Not when those villains were the cause of it all…

“I was… my friends and I… we were running from a villain… the villain with the swords for teeth…”

So you explained the situation, albeit you had to lie and say that Moonfish is the one who was responsible for your wounds. And they believed you because Moonfish was arrested and already infamous for his penchant for violence. They had no doubts that he’s the one who sliced up your back and gave you ugly wounds that had gotten infected and the nurses thankfully healed it up with their quirks.

After that you explained how you had forgotten everything and everybody until then, wandered around aimlessly from one bad situation into another with some lunatic in a car you thought would take you to safety, but no, he nearly killed you and you barely escaped with your life. And then after you got away from him you just kept walking and walking until you made your way back to the city and by some miracle, you found Aizawa after he was speaking to the Bakugou family.

Your feet and legs were sore as hell, bleeding like some of the other parts of your body, but they were finally patched up. The infections hurt like hell, but some of these doctors had quirks to make the pain go away little by little. Although you weren’t going to forget everything that happened to you in those three horrible days. There’s no way you could forget that now that your mind was cleared and everything was brought back to light.

And then you remembered something else, your classmates and Tokoyami…

Oh my God, what happened to him? After Dark Shadow attacked you just remember waking up in some deep part of that forest and asked that Deadpool guy where you was and then everything else…

You hoped he was okay. You remembered how much he was struggling to hold Dark Shadow down from destroying everything and everybody. The anguish in his crimson eyes...

You really hoped he didn’t beat himself up after all of that…

“(L/N)?!!”

But then you gasped as soon as you heard your name being called as you perked up when all of a sudden, there were your classmates all standing there and staring at you in shock and awe. It’s already been a hectic three days and although they had Bakugo back, they still missed you terribly.

Izuku, Uraraka and Tsuyu in particular teared up when they saw you okay and the two girls quickly rushed over to gently hug you. Relieved that you were alive and well, as many of your other classmates like Iida, Yaoyorozu and Kirishima couldn’t hide their tears of joy when seeing that you were okay and back.

Still… even though you were hurting, you picked yourself up so you could hug each and every one of them out of relief and happiness to be back, to remember all of their faces again. After you finished hugging Tsuyu, you gasped upon seeing Shouji. You rushed over and hugged him as he didn’t deter you and warmly hugged you with his six arms as he didn’t dare shed any tears. You were scared, and he knew it. After what happened, he knew that you must have still been a little fragile after such a long journey all by yourself. He had to be strong for you.

“S-Shouji…” You clung to him, but then you remembered… Tokoyami. Where was he? “S-Shouji where’s…?” The taller male paused even as he felt you look up at him and he knew exactly who you were talking about. But Tokoyami’s been silent for the past three days, distant more so than normal. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, he didn’t want to interact with anyone or be around anyone. Shouji knew it had to have been because he was still riddled with the remorse of harming a classmate and believing that he got you killed.

“Tokoyami… is he okay?” You asked when Shouji didn’t give you an answer, and all he could do was nod. “He’s okay…” He answered you briefly and didn’t say anything else because… that wasn’t his place. You and Tokoyami would have to do that part together and talk.

And you gave a huge sigh of relief when you heard that he was okay, but you weren’t aware of the emotional turmoil that Tokoyami was currently suffering as he stood outside the room, eyes wide as he had his hands clutching at his feathers. So many emotions flooded into his head all at once the second he found out that you were still alive. Relief, joy, shock, and also even more remorse, regret and hate towards himself because now he got to see all of the damage that HE caused, now he could only ask himself, what the hell was he doing here? Why did he even come? He was SO relieved that you were still alive but what if you hated him? What if you never wanted to see him again after he nearly killed you? You probably did hate him and he didn’t blame you…

He hated himself too...

He could hear you telling your story to everyone, how you just blacked out and ran into some psycho while you had no fucking idea who you even were because you lost your memory for a little bit. Everyone was shaken up, horrified at what you had to go through and how you were unfortunate to move from one bad situation to another with that guy in the car, and they were so happy that you were here, alive and mostly unscathed.

No, he couldn’t bear to see you again, he couldn’t bear to talk to you again. He ruined everything, he ruined the friendship you and he had, he nearly killed you. How would he come back from that? He wouldn’t…

He needed to get out of here, and he just hoped to the gods that you didn’t notice that he was here, he didn’t want you to see him, he couldn’t bear the thought of it. The raven found himself slowly walking away from the room you and his classmates were in and pretended to be oblivious to his surroundings and he ignored the voice in his head telling him to go back. He especially ignored Dark Shadow pleading with him to go back and see you. No, he stopped listening to him and ignored every word he said. He wasn’t going to go back to you.

He couldn’t...

There’s no way you could hold any affection left for him after everything he put you through. No way…

“Tokoyami.”

But then he froze once he heard your voice directed at him, and resisted all temptation to turn around and see your face and yet his weak human heart forced him to slowly turn and that was the biggest mistake of his life as he saw you slowly step out of the room. You looked awful, your (H/C) hair a mess, gauze and bandages wrapped around your head, arms, legs and dried blood stains under your lips. HE did that, he’s the cause of all that. He’s the reason you blacked out, he’s the reason you crashed with that lunatic, he’s the reason you were hurt…

Tokoyami couldn’t bear it, he couldn’t fucking bear it, he turned away and walked away. “Hey… c’mon…” To be honest, it was a little hard for you to look at him again but you still wanted to at least see if he was okay after that whole ordeal, but he was walking away.

“Tokoyami…” Reaching your arm out weakly for him, you hoped he would come back but Tokoyami kept his gaze averted and sped up his pace to quickly get away from you. “No…” Shaking your head you took another step forward but then a nurse came over and stopped you from trying to leave.

“Please return to your bed you’re still hutr…!” She exclaimed in worry as the rest of your classmates also urged you to go back to your bed once they saw that you were still groggy. God you were so tired, but you wanted to see Tokoyami. Despite everything that happened, you just wanted to see him again…

PRESENT TIME…

The days passed by fast as you almost didn’t even realize that it had been a week since you and your friends were attacked by villains at the Summer camp and that one of your classmates got taken for 2 days while you had been lost at the same time for those days as well but you still remembered everything that happened. Even the memories you lost, you remembered all of them. Everything that happened within the span of a single week.

How does time move by so fast?

You had no idea, but you were only somewhat relieved to know that the worst was over and you were out of the hospital as they had let you out three days ago. Your body still wasn’t at 100 percent but you were happy to be out of there and in a new place. That’s right…

It took a while to get used to this new change since dorms weren’t really something you expected in your school life but to your surprise, it started to feel like home as you got slowly used to it. And it felt so nice to be in this large building, looking outside the window to see the night looking so serene and lovely with the moonlight there to light up your darkness. That was how you found your way back home, even when you were limping you relied primarily on your quirk, and every light that you saw. The sun, the lamps in the streets, the city lights that brightened up the night’s sky.

Light was your clarity.

Light was what protected you from the darkness even when you felt that there would no longer be any light. Yet at the same time, even though you no longer felt comfortable in the dark, there was still something elegant about it. The night was so peaceful, the darkness provided a sense of rest for everyone, including yourself as you just wanted to go to sleep but you couldn’t sleep.

That’s why you were awake, because you were thinking too much about everything that had happened, thinking too much about him…

Tokoyami. Your dear friend that had been avoiding you for over a week, and you knew it was because he still couldn’t bring himself to face you after Dark Shadow attacked you and left a nasty scar on your back once your wounds had recovered. Of course, you wanted to try and talk to him or at the very least say ‘hi’ but he just turned away and left every single time you tried. And instead of just forcing him to speak you let him be…

After all you can’t just make someone talk to you, even though you really wanted to. Even though you really wanted to let him know that he doesn’t have to avoid you despite everything that happened. Even though you… really also wanted to let him know that for the past couple of days he’s all you’ve been able to think about and even before all of this, you still thought about him because you liked him…

Even after all of this, you still liked him, you loved him…

Oh well, he clearly wasn’t interested in talking to you so you just sighed and decided to go back to your room and attempt to sleep. You knew that he was just feeling guilty but still.

“I just wanna go back to my room and watch AHS all night…” You muttered lowly to yourself as you got up from where you were kneeling to go back to the room you were given.

But then you stopped as soon as you heard footsteps and you were worried that it was probably Iida, so you knelt down and hid behind the side of the couch. You couldn’t see who it was now but based on the fact that you could hear nothing but footsteps and a lack of voice, you assumed that you weren’t seen or noticed. Suddenly, light brightened up the once dim room and you resisted the urge to gasp. The refrigerator was open, that’s all you could assume but now you had to stay still so they didn’t see you.

Finally, you heard a heavy sigh. There wasn’t much to make out but the voice sounded deep, definitely one of the guys, which made sense there was like 14 freaking boys in this damn class. Sausage Fest in your opinion…

However, you didn’t want to bother anyone and weren’t in the mood to talk to anyone so you decided to just sneak away quickly before they spot you. You almost assumed it could be Shouji, but if it was, he probably would have called you out already so you started to crawl away from the spot, still hidden with the couch covering you as you still heard nothing. Curiosity ended up getting the best of you though, and you put your hands on the couch to carefully pick yourself up to try and sneak a peek of who it was.

There he was…

You knew that head of feathers anywhere as Tokoyami had his wrists down on the kitchen counter, head down with a glass of water beside him. Poor thing looked out of it, at least that’s what you thought because his feathers seemed more ruffled and messier than how they normally looked. And you wondered just what was he doing up at this ungodly hour? Although it wouldn’t surprise you if he was an insomniac like you were, it would certainly explain it because while he enjoyed the darkness, you had a feeling that there was also more than that to him.

But then a sadder thought came to mind, after everything you had been through, you, Tokoyami, and Bakugo, Shouji, Midoriya and the others for that matter, there’s no way you guys would forget that. No emotional teenager would because of how horrifying that all way, and you wondered if there was an anxiety thing going on, or even a night terror since you, Tokoyami, Bakugo and Midoriya probably came out of this ordeal the most psychologically scathed.

That was it, wasn’t it?

Now you really wanted to actually talk to him the more you thought about it, but you were so lost in thought you didn’t even hear the quiet gasp leaving the raven as his crimson eyes widened after picking his head up and seeing your head pop up from the couch.

No, no this couldn’t be happening...

TO BE CONTINUED...

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mxbitters · 4 years

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Can you post photos of the stuffed animals? 🥺 Or at least your favorites?

bro you’re in luck you get to see ALL OF THEM(or at least everything i can see without getting out of bed yet). this is gonna be EXTENSIVE. names if applicable and lore will be under the photos :)

simba!! this dudes 10 years older than me but he’s just vibing, this dudes probably the oldest stuffed animal i have and like the longest time ive had one but it never occurred to me til now!

i’ll go left to right top to bottom here.

1. batman aka the only dude i ever won at an amusement park. it was six flags and that game where you spray water at the target by the way

2. you can’t see him but he’s a panda my friend got me two years ago, he doesn’t have a name yet because im bad at names. you wouldn’t think he’s newer though because i hug that one a lot so he’s been very loved :)

3. this dude’s name is applefur :’) i’ll just leave it at i lowkey had a warrior cats phase as a kid. he’s one of the dudes i had back when like. i was a kid playing with toys,, he has a very happy personality i love him very much

4. (first on bottom) patti, a mysterious friend of mysterious origins. no seriously i can’t remember where i got them. a thrift store maybe????? they’re a friend though. what i like about beanie babies (and certain webkinz like applefur) is that they can fit in a big pocket so you can take them on adventures :)

5. bucky!!! we went on vacation to new hampshire one year, everybody hated it except me! i’d pick new england mountains over any fuckin beach any day. i love it. anyway that being said his name was in honor of a different vacation moment. last summer we went to virginia, this specific place was like crawling with deer (which was wonderful!!! the only thing i liked!! well ok the arcade too but..) and i had a moment getting really close to a deer. like within a few feet.. i heard someone yell and thought i was in trouble but the dude gave me a carrot. this deer’s name was bucky and he was a regular, people just fed the dude. of course i had to put it on the ground for him to pick up but it was still super nice :) bucky is a good friend

6. i don’t think this dude has a name?? i’m pretty sure he too was a thrift friend. mysterious lad but another pocket adventurer if i’m wearing my super big denim jacket :)

same arrangement as last?? i guess??

1. i’ll sometimes call this dude mumble like in happy feet but i don’t think any name’s specifically stuck?? they’re such a joyful penguin though.. :) 🖤

2. i. i don’t know their name. an insurance company gave my middle school a bunch of stuffed dogs with their logo on it so i just. got two? i don’t know where the other dude went.. :( my edgy “i hate everything and i don’t respect stuffed animals” phase was in 7th/8th grade and i am not fucking proud of it. he’ll turn up though..

3. ehh since they’re so tall LOLA! my slightly possessed friend here makes an excellent pocket buddy and they’re v soft like a lil kitten and sometimes i will just. deadass talk to them as i go through my thought processes which is fun.. i love lola :)

4. this friend i believe was a gift from my gramma, she’s got a big hole near her foot though so i need to patch that up :(

5. he doesn’t have a name either (y’all are welcome to suggest names for my nameless friends by the way!!!) but was a gift from my sister a few years back :)

6. tracker! i literally do NOT know where he came from he just turned up in the house one day and nobody claimed him so of course i adopted the lad,, sometimes i still wonder though,,,,,

this is a really bad picture but everybody was falling!!!

1. sammy! like samson because the wild was a movie i really liked growing up, i’m,,,,using him like a pillow as i do this :’)

2. (horse friend) i think i started calling him rusty because of this horse i met who was lovely handsome and stepped on my foot once?? wait shit my writing teacher named him....oh fuck i forgot the name i’ll get back to this......this dude was totally my stuffed unicorns boyfriend.. where is that unicorn i gotta find them so they can reunite 🖤

3. beagle hidden behind everyone! i sometimes would call her jessie because growing up i had a beagle named jessie and she was like a mama dog,, she’d always look out for me. but like i don’t think they should have the same names so bear with me and offer suggestions if you want I guess??

4. chip! a lovely cat friend with those ghibli cat ears ☺️ i can almost guarantee she’s a thrift friend

5. (polar bear 1) fritz! my writing teacher named him, he’s just vibing out man,, v good pocket friend as well

6. (polar bear 2?) never named them, they got a heart they’re holding though and were a gift in a middle school secret santa from a friend who i guess might have liked me?????? we were weird kids who knows

7. scooby doo but you can’t see him :’) his origin is another mystery on our hands

8. (another horse friend) i guess his names oklahoma?? my dad used to go on a lot of business trips so would sometimes get souvenirs for us. this dude was mine,, he held my phone while watching the g interview yesterday, he’s nice :)

9. cinders! fell in love w him at a fair once and couldn’t leave without him his face is the epitome of joy!!!!

(pardon my homosexual posters)

easily we got cheer bear, who was collectors edition but too soft to keep in the box, and funshine! funshine here was based off this movie which in retrospect was slightly traumatizing, he can still sing a song from the movie if i turn his box thing on though! it’s called “all i wanna do is make ‘em laugh” or something like that!! the full movies on youtube if you want that experience

the owl doesn’t have a name, i’ve only had them for like 5 months (short time when the days fly by ok??) but they’re a generous defender. then there’s swiftheart rabbit but they’re my mom’s and i don’t want to damage them even though it hurts :( oh! also g masterfully displaying his creation— jumba style!!!

this pug friend doesn’t have a name, he was also a gift from my sister though! he barks if you squeeze him! it’s given me many heart attacks at night. and then this reindeer lad.. his name miiight be dasher which is a nod to my emotional support gerard way song??? but i can’t remember and don’t wanna guess..

OH also rainbow dash :)

—

anyway that’s everyone i can see right now but i hope you weren’t bored to death i enjoyed this almost hour talking about these friends and will proceed to actually get up now :D thank you for asking!!!!!!

#anyone: h #me: NGJCDIWKKCNFKWKJS*infodumps*#long post

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psychiccupid · 6 years

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All the asks.

YES!!!! THANK YOU!!!!

ALL 45 FROM HERE UNDER THE CUT!!!

0: Height? I’m 5′3″ last I checked!! (which was a while ago >w1: Virgin? Helllll no2: Shoe size? 8 1/2!3: Do you smoke? I vape ‘cause I’m cool but I’ve never had a cigarette and I’ve only smoked weed three? times and each time I did it out of a pen and felt nothing lol 4: Do you drink? Occasionally! I love me some rum and vodka! But it’s been a while... mostly a social drinker...5: Do you take drugs? Nope6: Age you get mistaken for? I passed as a teen until college now I just look lie a perpetual 20+ year old lol7: Have tattoos? NO BUT I WANT 5!!!!8: Want any tattoos? OH WHOOPS... I WANT 5!!!!9: Got any piercings? Just my ears! But when my stomach reaches a personal goal size I’m gonna pierce it as a reward! 10: Want any piercings? God dammit... lol... I want a belly button piercing :D11: Best friend? I HAVE LOTS OF BEST FRIENDS!!! @hatgh0st @nicecreamdeer @teslagannon @mentalserendipity AND @puggger BEIN’ MY CLOSEST FRIENDS :’)))))12: Relationship status? I’m dating @puggger but it’s open and poly! 13: Biggest turn ons? Bite. My. Ear! Breathe. On. My. Neck! Shower me with constant adoration and momentarily cure my ever looming existential crisis :> 14: Biggest turn offs? Bigots. Toxic Masculinity. Insulting me or the things I love. 15: Favorite movie? Tie between Tangled and Kimi no Na Wa!16: I’ll love you if? *Coughs* YOU SHOWER ME WITH CONSTANT ADORATION AND MOMENTARILY CURE MY EVER LOOMING EXISTENTIAL CRISIS! And talk to me about Pokemon and Anime ^-^17: Someone you miss? @hatgh0st DDD’‘‘‘: 18: Most traumatic experience? Yo I’m not going into that lololol19: A fact about your personality? I will /always/ act happier than I am so if I’m upset I’m about to lose it.20: What I hate most about myself? “Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that...” I’m not a huge fan of how I look physically - but absolutely my face and stomach overall. 21: What I love most about myself? I love my personality and how I don’t really give in to society or peer pressure. I love how I refuse to give up my passions and do not really care about material possessions. Not that that’s bad!22: What I want to be when I get older? Anything creative!! But especially a voice actor or a professional cosplayer!!23: My relationship with my sibling(s)? Eh... 24: My relationship with my parent(s)? EH... Like I love both of my parents and my sister... but I need like four months away from them for every week I spend with them y’know?25: My idea of a perfect date? FIRST We go to an aquarium! We spend hours and we both get excited reading about all the different fish!! SECOND we have lunch/dinner by the beach. It’s sushi. We inadvertently hold hands and then dip our toes in the ocean while you compliment my bonnet and matching swim suit. Walking along said beach is a must if there’s time! FINALLY we go to a dive-in movie. Ideally, they’re playing Kimi no Na Wa so I may cry into the pool. You, without really thinking about it, say, under your breath “You are the Takeshi to my Mitsuha” (though if you reverse the names I won’t be upset). We get spontaneous Safeway cheesecake on the way home! (You give me your raspberry piece in exchange for my double chocolate piece). We fuck. Afterwards, I get to sleep as the Big Spoon. I get to wake up and cuddle you.... you said perfect not financially acceptable lolol26: My biggest pet peeves? INDECISIVE PEOPLE. Especially negative people (like, people who know how to make it better but keep complaining... this is mostly about me lol). Boys who don’t know how to play the Question Game. 27: A description of the girl/boy I like? Cares about absolutely everyone. Has the voice of an angel! Wears pigtails and likes dying her hair! Likes to dance and play dress up and dreams of performing for crowds... uh duh... of course I’m talking about Hatsune Miku 28: A description of the person I dislike the most? UhhhhhHHHHH like... I could go broad here and just put Trump but like... I’m trying to think more personal?? Hmm... like I could put my mom too but I don’t dislike her the most? UHHH @ my own anxiety: Tells me the world is a lie and that we’re in a simulation and that I need to wake up. Makes talking to bosses/people above me impossible. Tells me no matter what that I’m doing something wrong and that I’m not good enough. 29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend? Didn’t wanna hurt their feelings? The truth was worse than a lie?30: What I hate the most about work/school? Going. Capitalism. I have a degree. 4_ years of retail/food service work under my belt AND I’ve worked at Disney and I still can’t get more than minimum wage. 31: What your last text message says? “Nah I’m ok I just feel bad” yup.32: What words upset me the most? “How can you be gay if you’re dating a boy?” “Ok sure you’re Enby. But why do you still relate to women?” “This is my daughter, Jessica” 33: What words make me feel the best about myself? “Wow! You could make a career out of this!” “This is really good!” “You’re working really hard aren’t you?” “You are smart.” 34: What I find attractive in women? Absolutely everything. I’ve never met a woman who didn’t blow me away. All women are so pretty and talented and so strong and I love them all!35: What I find attractive in men? Anytime they have feminine hair/features I lose my goddamn mind. When they’ve come to accept every part of themselves and are super confident not because that’s what they’re used to but because they really worked for something! When they’re genuine and they get that sparkle in their eye!! 36: Where I would like to live? Anywhere I can be me and creative! Right now it’s looking like Austin, Texas... but LA or Tokyo... LA ‘cause that’s where I feel like I have to go... Tokyo ‘cause that’s where I’ve wanted to go since I was 7 but I don’t know if I could live there...37: One of my insecurities? Everything??? But I’m very insecure about how I look. I have a mighty fear that I do not get far in life because I’m ugly as sin (I’m not but god I think so). 38: My childhood career choice? In order from age: 4: Vet, 11: Lawyer, 14: Software Designer, 16: Gene Specialist/Splicer, 18: Calculus Teacher, 19: Script Writer, 19: Stage Actor, 20: Costumer/Cosplayer/Voice Actor (Not that I haven’t been doing these since I was 16, but I didn’t decide they could be career choices until college) 39: My favorite ice cream flavor? Phish Food, Cookies N Cream, Cookie Dough, Raspberry!40: Who wish I could be? SOMEONE HAPPY. A professional voice actor!41: Where I want to be right now? Hmmm... probably Tokyo? The Pokemon theme park that existed in 2002ish! In a line about to meet Arin Hanson? Back in bed lol? ON THAT DATE I MADE EARLIER!!42: The last thing I ate? Leftover gluten-free pumpkin spice & blueberry pancakes ^w^43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately? HALEY FROM STARDEW VALLEY! ... Audrey from Huniepop... 44: A random fact about anything? I can name 21 digits of pie from memory and I am very talented knowing what a pokemon’s national pokedex number is :’D

#about me #me #WOOOOOO #guys please read 25 #Anonymous

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kayliemusing · 3 years

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0: Height - 5'2

1: Age - 23

2: Shoe size - 6 1/2 US, but sometimes I can manage 6 or 7

3: Do you smoke? - No

4: Do you drink? - No

5: Do you take drugs? - Also no

6: Age you get mistaken for - I don't think I really mistaken for the wrong age. In high school my sister's friends thought I was older than her, but I think now I look my age or I look at least 20-22

7: Have tattoos? - No

8: Want any tattoos? - Yes. I want a couple. I want a French phrase 'tu me manques' or roman numerals that read out the day my dad died (maybe all as one tattoo).

9: Got any piercings? - No, but I'm hoping to get my ears pierced again very soon

10: Want any piercings? - Like I said, I'm getting my ears done again. But I've always wanted a nose stud, but I don't know if I'll ever do that one.

11: Best friend? - Megan

12: Relationship status - Single

13: Biggest turn ons - Nice jawline, nice hands, kindness, humor

14: Biggest turn offs - Narcissistic or arrogant, rude to wait stuff or retail/fast food workers, sometimes long hair (depending on the person), sometimes beards, moustaches definitely.

15: Favorite movie - I think Clueless or Onward. I don't really know my favourite movie haha. Clueless is definitely a movie I think of when I want something lighthearted and funny. And Onward, along with most disney/pixar animations, always feel really comforting.

16: I’ll love you if… - You either love Taylor Swift or say something genuinely nice about her.

17: Someone you miss - my dad

18: Most traumatic experience - Witnessing my dad die/seeing his body at the viewing

19: A fact about your personality - I'm really quiet unless I get really mad/protective or I'm passionate about something then I'm like a bomb going off lol

20: What I hate most about myself - My stomach. Also that I critique everything I do and can never have a conversation with someone without feeling like 'was that okay?'

21: What I love most about myself - I think I really love the way I think, because I feel like I notice things others don't or I just think in a very observational or poetic way.

22: What I want to be when I get older - The big dream is to be a bestselling author. Bonus points if it's a NYT best seller. But mostly I think I want to be happy and content.

23: My relationship with my sibling(s) - Good, but also chaotic

24: My relationship with my parent(s) - Good. I'm really close with my mom (I was with my dad too) but my mom feels like my best friend.

25: My idea of a perfect date - Something really fun but intimate too. Like maybe going for a late night drive and listening to music or going to a museum or art show. Something like that.

26: My biggest pet peeves - When people drag their feet on the ground and make that scuffing sound, when people put the change on the counter when my hand is out for it, and when people unnecessarily criticize Taylor Swift or start the conversation about her like "i don't like taylor swift but-" like you have been stopped right there.

27: A description of the girl/boy I like - I don't have a crush on anyone

28: A description of the person I dislike the most - My sister's ex. He doesn't swing his arms when he walks, he has weird hair, a big nose, and the dorkiest laugh you've ever heard. Also he smells bad and would actually play video games for so many hours straight instead of getting up and showering. Also had this weird need to be "taken care of" like he was an eight year old boy.

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend - Usually if I didn't want to hang out.

30: What I hate the most about work/school - That I have to go to work/school.

31: What my last text message says - I told my best friend that I got a new villager on animal crossing named Gala and that she's a pig.

32: What words upset me the most - "LoverFest was cancelled" rip me

33: What words make me feel the best about myself - I don't know if I have any. I guess if someone compliments me by telling me I'm doing a good job or something like that it always makes me feel really good.

34: What I find attractive in women - When they support other women

35: What I find attractive in men - Kindness/generosity

36: Where I would like to live - I have this weird obsession right now to live on some countryside in a ranch-style house, surrounded by wildflowers and open field. Maybe it's in france, who knows. A more realistic place I'd like to live is Calgary

37: One of my insecurities - My entire body

38: My childhood career choice - I think I wanted to be a business person or a teacher or a hairdresser. It changed all the time. But I knew I wanted to be a writer by the time I was 13 so that too.

39: My favorite ice cream flavor - I'm basic, vanilla but if i wanted to get funky, I'd choose birthday cake batter.

40: Who I wish I could be - Someone confident, talented and at peace with life no matter what.

41: Where I want to be right now - I want to be in a place that I feel creative, fulfilled and content, because I'm having a hard time feeling those things right now.

42: The last thing I ate - Scrambled egg wrap w/ salsa and some cheese.

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately - I have a thing for Matthew Daddario.

44: A random fact about anything - Did you know turkey's are so smart that they can tell two different people apart? also taylor swift is releasing fearless (taylor's version) tonight and it has 6 new tracks on it that were cut from the original fearless so i'm gonna be bopping tonight.

#survey #or in which i talk about taylor swift several times when i didn't need to

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roominthecastle · 7 years

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Hi! Am I the only one who finds it quite distrubing that aidan was playing a main role in a gay porn serie? I mean licking a young boy's ass and having gay orgy in front of the cameras while he was married and was a father of a newborn baby.. Please, do not misunderstand me, but I think everything has a limit and those things he had done in that porn serie were far beyond normal acting. I feel I can't talk about it with the other fans, and you seem to be a great person who doesn't judge, part2

Part2. I’m not homophobic, I had a gay english teacher and a friend, but they understood it that their unique sexual life is their own private thing if you know what I mean, and behind that thing there is usually a traumatic experience.. Anyway what aidan was doing in that serie was fucking disgusting. You know it’s not a big surprise that her daughter, berry has become a man, maybe she was uncomfortable with her father’s roles? She keeps making photos ofbher beeding nose and scars and things li

So there is cleraly something wrong with his “daughter”. Idk I just don’t understand this man, unfortunately when I like somebody as an actor becausw of his her incredible talent I cant help but looking for infos of her his life. And I was in shock what I have found in aidan’s early career. What are your thoughts about it? Or are these things so natural to the others?

Wow, there’s a *lot* crammed into these messages, anon. I don’t think you’re reacting from a place of malice here, so please take my response below not as judgment but more like a series of observations and suggestions.

re: Queer as Folk (UK)I’ve seen the show and I liked it. It’s not for everybody, I give you that. It does have parts that undoubtedly veer into soft porn territory, but overall it isn’t porn, imo. To me it’s a story about a guy who’s 1st sexual experience was getting raped by a gym teacher at age 11-12(?) and, as a result, he’s become someone who only connects to others via sex. Him being gay is *not* the issue, it is *not* the problem, it is *not* a symptom. His unaddressed trauma which he tries to pass off as sth “cool” and tries to retroactively “normalize” via aggressive hypersexuality *is* the problem, and the show gradually brings this point home, imo. He cannot be intimate unless it’s physical & meaningless, but he starts to learn to modify this behavior w/ the help of his best friend who’s also the one he’s been in love with (and thus has been avoiding having sex with). I’m not saying it doesn’t contain provocative or even potentially triggering material, or that it’s flawless family fun (I know it’s been bashed for stereotypical portrayal of “sex-crazed” gay culture), but again, to me, it is about so much more than the sex scenes. I don’t think straight ppl should be in the business of judging the merits of shows like this one + I don’t know much about how it was received, so I really don’t want to get into all that. All I can say is that I found a very human story underneath all the steaminess, and if sb asked me to give a “disturbing” example from his body of work (that I’ve seen), it’s not QaF but Wake Wood or Blackout that would come to mind (and he plays a straight dude in both).

re: Aidan’s “taste” in rolesI think it’s always leaned away from “normal” and “conventional”. Pain & its varied, often aberrant, manifestations seem to be one big common theme in his projects, and I find that really intriguing. He’s interested in outcasts, in all forms of “otherness”, traumas, dysfunctions, and assorted fucked up things. I share this interest and I don’t think it’s wrong at all or an automatic sign of some pathology. It’s curiosity that’s labeled “morbid” only bc we live in a world that teaches us that automatically fearing, hating, and attacking everything “different” is “normal”. But if art confined itself to artificial “norms” and boundaries, depicting only what is deemed “accepted” in any given time period, it wouldn’t be art anymore. He said that nothing deeply scarring has ever happened to him, and that these roles let him explore things he would never do and be someone he never was or will be in real life. That’s it. It’s an exploration. Not everybody is an “explorer” tho. Most ppl shun and/or reject what/who they find “different” and/or “disturbing”. Others step closer, dig deeper, and maybe even try to find some familiarity in strangeness. Aidan is like that, too, imo. But I highly doubt he brought these projects home w/ him to screen it to his children and “scar” them for life. He strikes me as someone who’s v self-aware and who wouldn’t force his R-rated interests on others, esp. his kids, but I don’t think he would forcibly shield them once they are old enough and curious. But that’s just my impression. Truth is, I don’t know him. His private life, his methods of parenting are none of my business, and I don’t seek any info or picture he himself doesn’t provide voluntarily. Also, I don’t know anything about his family members, but I know enough to refrain from “diagnosing” or labeling anyone anything simply based on what they post online (esp if they are young), so I’ll leave it at that.

re: homophobiaLet’s do a thought experiment here (not the best one but hopefully it still works). Imagine a person who has cats and has never had any interest in keeping dogs. It’s completely fine being a cat person, so no issues so far. This person also assures you that they have no problem w/ those who keep dogs. After all, they had a friend who had dogs and this friend understood that keeping dogs was “different”, a likely sign of sth bad, and so always kept the dogs hidden. Now, do we really believe that the cat person has no issue w/ those who keep dogs? Keeping cats is not the only “healthy” or “default” option. It is just one of several equally legitimate options out there. Some brave folks even keep birds. Or both cats and dogs. In other words, I think you do have an issue with gay people, anon. Being tolerant when they are not “obviously” gay is still homophobic, and Aidan’s role in QaF is tame compared to, e.g. his straight serial killer/rapist role in Blackout yet you zeroed in on the former as the most objectionable one of his career bc it depicts his character having (a lot of) consensual gay sex. Good news is that while being gay is not a problem to be corrected, being a homophobe is, and you can always choose to improve. I grew up in a homophobic environment, so I know it takes time and effort to un-learn things, but I also know it is doable and v important. I’m not saying you should start binging on gay porn ofc, but keep on educating yourself. For example, BBC Four rolled out a great miniseries this year called Queers. I highly recommend it.

#anonymous #aidan gillen #long post

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aftertheabuseblog · 6 years

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Understanding and Denial

My schoolwork was suffering, nothing I did seemed to make the slightest difference in the downturn of my life. My self worth was… let's be honest, I didn't have any right then. Seemingly confirming my lack of worth my parents wrote my teacher that they wanted her to fail me so I would have to repeat grade 7 and do better. Let's go back a year…

I was staying the night at my friends, Joel and Bryce's house when puberty hit, I was so embarrassed. I was 11, almost 12. I thought something was wrong with my body, I had no clue what was happening, this felt too similar to the abuse. My parents wouldn't have “the talk” with me for almost another year. I felt dirty. I couldn't tell my friends or their parents what happened. So I went to the washroom, cleaned myself up and went back to bed.

A couple weeks later we went to the hot springs together where I was called a f*g for the first time, by a stranger, another reason to feel bad about myself. Upon returning home from that trip I began to really question my worth.

TRIGGER WARNING

Shortly after I turned 12, I was staying the weekend out at Joel and Bryce's place again and we set off on our usual exploration of what was flammable on the farm and what common rocks will produce a spark when struck together. That night I was sleeping in Bryce's bed with him and I wanted to let him know how much I enjoyed spending time with him and his brother, something I had learned how to do the wrong way from an adult family friend, let's call him Darren (he molested and sexually abused me from the age of 9-10). Bryce and I were both laying there in our underwear and I started scratching his back lightly and slowly worked my way down to his butt and then started rubbing, as Darren had taught me. I definitely wasn't going to reach around and grab his penis like Darren had with me since that made me feel dirty and I didn't want Bryce to feel dirty. So I kept gently massaging and rubbing his butt. “He’s rubbing my butt,” Bryce announced to Joel who was in the next bed.

“That's wrong. I’m telling my mom and dad.” Wrong?! It was wrong to rub a friends butt? I desperately pleaded with him not to tell his parents and explained that I thought I was doing something good. Yes I knew touching someone else's penis was wrong but I didn't know that touching a butt was wrong. I promised now that I knew I would never do it again. Bryce said that it made him feel dirty. I was humiliated, that was the opposite of what I wanted. I apologized profusely and they both agreed to not say anything to their parents. That was the last time I spent the night at their place or they stayed at mine. We barely talked after that night. It seemed something was wrong with me. I had wanted to show a symbol of close friendship, and ended up alienating my 2 closest friends, and I didn't have many of those. My remaining trust in myself was now gone too.

Soon it was time for “The Talk.” My mom sat my sister and I both down at the dining room table at the same time and handed us a pamphlet, or magazine, and told us to read it. I couldn't focus on the words. We weren't allowed to take it to our rooms and I was too self conscious to read this in front of my mom and sister, so I skimmed it, pretended to read it and said I understood. Since my parents wouldn't allow us to take sex ed at school, this was the piss poor substitute and I learned nothing. One of my friends at school had already had the talk and filled me in, and although he got some of the details wrong, I picked up enough to fill in the blanks from the pamphlet I skimmed. Turns out in a way I did get sex ed at school, previous personal experience not withstanding.

Soon my voice began to change and I would lament the loss of my high range. Secretly I love to sing, I loooove to sing. When I was absolutely sure no one was around, I would explore my vocal range. When others were around, I would intentionally throw my voice out of tune. This was for me and me alone. The notes I could hit and sustain would thrill me. Post puberty, I fell flat, vocally and emotionally. I always wanted to sing the part of the princess lamenting the absence of a prince in her life. Puberty robbed me of that dream, I would never get that range back. Or so I thought. A couple of years ago I found a YouTube channel done by Nick Pitera, a full grown male with an amazing vocal range. I thought it was a lady that he was lip syncing, but no it was his own voice. He has and amazing low, middle and high end. Some call him the most versatile voice on YouTube. Recently I have been working on extending my high range while staying in key, my neighbours must love me, and found that my low range has extended as a result as well. I can almost sing the highest notes in Part of You World from The Little Mermaid in key. Don't know if I'm ready to share my voice with the world yet, I've tried recording it but I get nervous and my throat constricts throwing me off key and out of pitch. My cat seems to really like it when I sing to her though.

After learning about the birds and the bees, some of what I had locked away came back to me in a new light. It wasn't just bad times, it was bad sexually. I told myself, I must have done something wrong for this to happen. No, no! It didn't happen. I'm imagining it. How I wished that were the case. So I tried my best to go into deep denial. Despite my best effort, some of it was always there. Like a loud song in the background, it was always there. School didn't matter, it seemed so finite an issue. What difference would it make if I did my homework or not, my life would still suck.

Soon after the denial began, I again started having more frequently the same nightmares I had when I was 7. Then I had my first hallucination, at least the first one I can recall. I was in my room wearing my sweatpants and sat on my bed without checking to see if there was anything there first. I don't remember what I sat on but it poked into my butt crack far enough to trigger that “electric” sensation. Immediately before me appeared the dark smokey visage of Dark Man from my nightmares, now in my waking life. I let out a blood curdling scream, my voice had not changed completely yet, and ran into my moms room in an adrenaline fuelled terror. I collapsed shaking on the ground before her, grasping tightly onto her legs. I told her there was a shadow man coming through my window. Since my window was at least 25 feet off of the ground she immediately dismissed it. Over the next few years I would have anxiety related chest pains, insomnia, and “freak out” moments all of which I reported to my mother. Recently I asked my mother why they never sought to get any professional help for me and her response was, “I didn't know, there were no signs.” No signs my ass.

Soon after puberty, I started having what I now know are ocular migraines, my mom dismissed them as “Your eyes are getting fuzzy because you're growing too fast.” I tried to impress upon her that no other kids that I had asked were experiencing anything like it but, not once did she take me to the doctor or optometrist to address this. Any medical problems that didn't have immediate visual signs that my sister and I had, it was “all in our heads, don't come to me for sympathy.” When she had anything minor medically, the world was going to end.

So I was left to deal with this growing anxiety that soon led to sleepless nights, which added to my second hallucination. My friend Tony was spending the night, I found that since the deep denial began, I had trouble falling asleep when there was someone else in the room. So I started counting his breathing while watching his chest rise and fall in the faint light, 80… 200, my mind began to wander to the bad memories. I was remembering being at the bottom of those stairs and suddenly Dark Man was standing over top of Tony, looking down at him with glowing red eyes. Slowly the glowing red eyes turned to look at me, piercing me, driving terror into my soul. I couldn't speak, I pulled the covers over my head as I started silently crying. I would not be sleeping that night. In the morning I told Tony about what I saw and he insisted that I must have been asleep and had a nightmare. But I knew I had been awake, lucid dreaming had taught me how to tell the difference between dreaming and reality and I was always, “checking my reality” (see chapter Year of Hell).

Those are the only 2 sustained hallucinations that I can recall I had when I was young. At the age of 9, I started having fleeting shadow hallucinations. Out of the corner of my eye I would see a shadowy human shaped figure, and then it would be gone as quickly as it was there. One day the shadowy figure appeared very close to me and in a moment of fright I lost control of my bladder. Looking for help, I told my mom that I had just wet my pants. Without asking if something had scared me or if something was wrong she automatically assumed that I had been disgusting and/or lazy and wet my pants. She grabbed me, stripped off my pants and underwear along with any remaining dignity. While verbally berating me she said, “If you're going to wet your pants like a baby, then I'll treat you like a baby!” and grabbed a towel which she pinned on me like a diaper. I had to wear it for the afternoon so that I could “learn my lesson.” Having my dignity stripped away once again was very traumatizing. I was supposed to be safe and be able to get help when needed. It seemed to me that my mom was more concerned about how having a son who wet his pants seemed to reflect on her than what might be potentially wrong with me. It's only upon reflection now that I realize that all these incidents happened when dad was either at work or out of town, never when he was home. Whenever I wet myself after that, I would take off my pants and underwear and rinse them out in the laundry room sink. Sometimes I would force myself to keep wearing the soiled underwear underneath fresh pants as a self punishment for my perceived failure of self.

With belief in myself at an all time low I stopped doing my homework, or if I did it I would often cheat. I became a chronic liar, after all, if no one was going to believe me when I was speaking the truth why should I bother telling it. To add to the pile, my grade 7 teacher didn't like me and would pick on me. I used to get hiccups all the time when I was younger, especially during times of heightened anxiety. She gave me detention because I had the hiccups. One day I had forgotten my day planner at home, and she told me I had to walk home to go get it. Keep in mind it was the middle of winter and I didn't have my snow pants that day. It was -20 F with the wind and it wasn't a short walk. When I got home there was no one there and my legs were starting to loose all feeling and I was feeling sluggish, having frozen my ankles the previous year, I knew this was bad. A couple of blocks away were some family friends, so I went there. Patricia, the mom of the family answered the door and immediately pulled me inside. After demanding an explanation for what I was doing walking around improperly dressed in this weather and listening to my explanation, her face went red with anger. She made me a hot chocolate, and drove me back to the school where I waited in the car. She went into my classroom and balled the teacher out in front of my class for telling a student to walk home for something as petty as a day planner, let alone when it was this cold out. My classmates told me about it, I kinda wish I'd been there to see it. She later got another talking to by my parents when they found out. She was a little nicer to me after that.

Toward the midpoint of the school year, I had been hanging out during lunch and recess with another boy who had some mental development issues, but he was always trying his best. In fact I was jealous of him because they had worked out an incentive program to help him complete his school work. If he handed major assignments in on time, he got a dollar from his mom, if it was late but complete, 50 cents. It seemed to work for him. One day after lunch our teacher was waiting at the doors nearest our classroom making sure everyone was coming in. Upon seeing me coming in alone, she said “Good to see you're not with your tardy friend.” I know tardy means late, but from her tone it was clear she meant the other similar sounding derogatory word, especially since he wasn't late. Some people just shouldn't be teachers.

As the school year wound down my report card came in, it was a pass, but barely. When you ask a kid if there's anything wrong, chances are the answer will be ‘no’, even when there is a problem. Sometimes the child simply doesn't have the vocabulary or understanding yet to describe what's wrong. You have to look at the child's actions and moods. Had my parents relied on that they would have seen I was at the beginning of a spiralling depression. But they didn't. Having decided that my bad grades were simply the result of me just not trying hard enough, they wrote my teacher a letter telling her they wanted me to be held back and repeat grade 7. It seemed my lack of belief in myself was justified. In a rare move of compassion, my teacher told me she didn't support the idea and thought that I would feel much better and do much better in a system like high school. So the money I tucked under the envelope was enough to sway her. Just kidding, she kept my passing grade without being bribed.

So it would seem that if I had a problem at home I would have to learn to deal with it myself. When presented with a situation at age where I could possibly end my life and it would look like an accident, I took it...

(More on that in tomorrow's post)

#After The Abuse #csa survivor

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artificialqueens · 7 years

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Teacher, Teacher (Biadore) - Ch. 1 - Red2

A/N- Hey guys, Red again, just a quick note, PLEASE send prompts of Drag queens you would like an appearance. ANY feedback is good! I would appreciate feedback! Thank you so much again

T/W- Swearing

Tap, tap, tap.

Adore bounced her pen against the jotters she held close to her chest. She leaned against the lockers. Music first, then Fashion. Courtney was too busy texting to tell how the butterflies danced in Adores tummy.

Adore felt like blowing her fucking brains out. She had only Courtney and a few other people. She started to worry how she would make friends and she prayed to whoever looking down who is putting her in these shitty situations to fuck off.

“Girl, do you think there will be a party tonight?” Courtney shoved Adore from her thoughts. Courtney was a slut, Adore just thought she was in her quest of love, I mean of course Courtney could get anyone she wanted. She just wanted that special someone to come over. Or she was just a slut.

“Hopefully Court, I want nothing more than 7 shots of Vodka and a lie down.” Adore breathed out, shutting her eyes closed. 4 minutes until class begins.

“Adore calm your damn ass! You’ll be fiiine,” Courtney smiled, giving a reassuring smile, turning back to her phone “Now find a good fuck.” She added with a wink. Adore looked at everyone interacting. It was kind of scary. Boys with their girlfriends wrapped around their finger, the popular girls, the gothic kids. It was kinda like High School. Well, thats fucking shit if its going to be like High School, Adore thought.

The bell rang, startled Adore from her thoughts, indicating it was time for class with.. Ms Needles?

Hm.

It had been 1 hour and 16 minutes since class started. Ms Needles was fucking bad-ass. She was super cool and Adore had a great feeling about her. The first hour we all introduced ourselves, explaining what we do and gave a little taster. Everyone seemed to like my singing which was sick.

I met a girl called Fame. Weird name. She was fucking stunning. Nothing else to it. I’m pretty sure she had an eye for someone else which sucked ass. Talking about having an eye on someone else, this unique girl called Alaska, thats a fucking cool name, she was pretty much chatting up Ms Needles. Kinda weird, kinda fucking punk-rock. Courtney wouldn’t admit it to anyone let alone herself, but Adore seen from the corner of her eye Courtney making shy peaks at a loud-mouth smart-ass girl called Willam. Adore could already tell Willam was a smart-ass but she was actually quite funny. Other than that, everything was going smoothly. Thank fuck.

After 10 minutes passed, Ms Needles asked them to pack up their stuff, whilst probably unprofessionally chatting up the student, Alaska. Oh well. Adore grabbed all her stuff up in her backpack standing up waiting for the bell to dismiss them.

“Adore, what have you got next?” Fame asked, smiling as she held folders close to her like a baby. Fames expression seemed thrilled, genuinely thrilled at the fact she had made a friend. It was strange but Adore felt like Fame had a traumatic experience in the past of some sort, so she made sure she gave her extra love.

“I have Fashion! I’m so excited! You?” Adore smiled, collecting herself as she sorted her dark brown into blonde ombre hair. Fames face lightened up and smiled brightly her laugh crinkles showing, jumping up and down like a fucking clown.

“Oh my god! Me too, Thank God!” Fame sighed happily looking up at Adores eyes. Her eyes widened as her head collected memory. “Violets gonna be in it! Yay!” Fame excitedly jumped up and down, Adore smirking in response.

“Who’s Violet?” Adore asked grabbing Fames shoulders to calm the fuck down. Maybe this was who Fame had her eye on. With that, Adore raised her eyebrow at Fame.

She blushed. HA! Gotcha prick! Adore started to poke Fames side as she squealed. After 20 minutes of pure torture for Fame, she breathed in from her red lips about to speak when-

Ring, Ring.

Both me and Fame sighed and nodded, heading to Fashion with our timetables shoved in each others faces. Adore and Fame fast-paced walked to Fashion. “Room 609, 609, 6 0, THERE!” Fame jumped looking at the light oak door. “Lets go!”

Adore and Fame walked into a small but warm classroom, Fame guided Adore to a table where 2 people sat. Fuck my ass, here we go. Well at least the room was pretty and kind of messy, put out well messy. Very much that.

Fame waved at the black headed pretty girl. Violet. “Hi guys! This is Adore!” Fame presented Adore like a trophy. “Hey Adore! I’m Violet.” Violet stuck her hand out to shake, Adore obliged. “I like latex, corsets and cherries.” She winked and looked at the smiling girl beside her. “I’m Naomi, Nice to meet ya!” Naomi stuck her hand out, and again Adore obliged. “Not telling me what you like?” Adore joked, sitting on a seat. Naomi shook her head. “I like my legs, food and parties.” Naomi shrugged her shoulders, laughing. “My kinda girl.” Adore commented, Fame looking pleased with herself. “Watch out Adore, Naomi has eyes on someone else.” Violet added, tapping her nose. “OOooooh who?!” Fame almost screamed, her eyes boggling out her head, leaning forward on the tall desk. Naomi put her pointer finger to her mouth, clearly signalling Fame to shut the fuck up incase anyone else heard. Adore laughed hysterically at Fame retracting quickly, her facial expression making the rest of them laugh. These fuckers were good! She was happy as fuck that she met nice people!

She was cut out immediately as the door opened, heels clicking and head turning.

Her heels were navy, screaming elegance.

Her legs, long and skinny, beautifully tanned.

Her dress, Royal navy off-shoulders dress that hugged her curves.

Her arms, a little shimmer as it hit the light.

Her hair, luscious and curled beautifully, a beautiful brown colour.

Her face. Her goddamn face made Adore’s heartbeat make her think she was having a fucking stroke. She was fucking perfect.

It kinda felt like a movie. She debated what song would be in the background as she gawked at the stunning lady in front of her. Maybe ‘Off to the Races’ by Lana Del Ray. Or some cute sexy shit like that.

Adore wondered if she was a student. She looked radiant, very tanned and bronzed. Adore eyes darkened as she looked at the lady again, butterflies emerging after the 30 second breath-holding record Adore had just done. Fuckity fuck fuck shit fuck. Adore was nervous. Like fuck nervous. Like fuck I’m speechless nervous.

The woman stood in the middle of class. It seemed the noise of distant chatter had bleeped out for Adore. Is this like the shit when you meet your soulmate?

The woman was about to open her mouth. Lets go.

“Morning Class! I’m Miss Del Rio, you can call me bitch, fucker or bitch-tits out of class but not here I’m afraid,” Adore laughed louder than the class. This bitch was funny! Maybe the majority of the elephant laugh was because Miss Del Rio was purely beauty. Miss Del Rio. It suited perfectly. Miss Del Rio looked so exotic and classy. The only exotic shit about Adore was she could speak a little Spanish and she’d been to Arizona before. Thats about it.

“I’ll be teaching Fashion and listen, before we get into it, everyone has their own style. Wether its goth, pink, latex.” Adore could practically hear Violet smile ear to ear. “Or crystals and shit, You all have no right to judge. If you have a problem, fuck off.” Miss Del Rio shrugged as she walked over to the neat, oak desk, lifting a piece of paper and a pen. Miss Del rio was so smart and so open-minded! Adore smiled cheekily, and completely related to what Miss Del Rio says and feel 100% safer in this class.

“Now, this year you will be making a couple of dresses, some accessories, 4 tops and 2 pairs of jeans. On top of that mood boards and some writing but not all writing, so calm your titties, kids,” Miss Del Rio smirked, looking over the class.

“Right, just a quick check of people here. Just shout here or die bitch when I call your name. Also please put your hand up so I can judge you.” Miss Del Rio nodded as the students of the class giggled. It seemed everyone liked her.

“Phi Phi?”

“Here!” A blue haired, geeky looking girl put her hands up, smiling.

“Chi Chi, Wait what the fuck? Chi Phi wha-"

"Here miss!”

A fair haired girl with lovely skin put her hand up.

“Roxxxy?”

A curvy looking girl with a flawless face shot her hand up.

“Here”

She shouted out a couple of other names.

“Adore” Miss Del Rio said my motherfucking name. She was looking around, shit I guess its my cue.

“Here Miss Del Rio” Adore smiled happily. She knows she sounds like a brown-noser but fuck it.

Miss Del Rio looked over and her eyes widened and her jaw tightened. Huh? Did I do something wrong.

“Shit fuck” Miss Del Rio whispered as she ticked her name.

Why didn’t the Bianca Del Rio notice Adore earlier. She was fucking gorgeous. A fucking student, Bianca reminded herself as she stumbled to the desk, filling the register onto the laptop.

Adore was a student but Bianca had never seen someone perfect. Full lips, gorgeous complexation, bright eyes, she was absolutely perfect.

No, Miss Del Rio, You’re a damn lecturer and she’s your student.

Shut the fuck up, bitch.

You shut the fuck up, stupid ass bitch.

Bianca was practically arguing with her damn self. Fuck.

Miss Del Rio sighed as she stood up again, trying to keep her eyes peeled off Adore and paying attention to other students.

She still didn’t forget about the cute girl at the side of the room as she spoke.

What the fuck was happening to Bianca?

This year is going to be a fuck in the brain.

Fuck.

#biadore #bianca del rio #adore delano #college au #trixya #fluff #miss fame #violet chachki #courtney act #phi phi o'hara #chi chi devayne #detox icunt #roxxxy andrews #rpdr fanfiction #submission #teacher teacher #red2 #lesbian au

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nofomoartworld · 7 years

Text

Bad At Sports Sunday Comics with Keiler Roberts

by Krystal DiFronzo

Keiler Roberts writes beautiful and frank auto-biographical comics about the complexities of her life as a teacher, artist, and mother. I got a chance to talk to her about her practice and her new book Sunburning, published by Koyama Press, that will be debuting next weekend at the Toronto Comics Art Festival.

Krystal DiFronzo: The longer stories in Sunburning mostly tackle your experience with various medical conditions. These range from an undiagnosed nerve condition and bipolar disorder to miscarriage. I’m curious as someone who has also tried to draw comics about their own traumatic medical issues, when did you feel was the best time to write about it? Have you been keeping notes and writing about some of these moments since they’ve happened or did you start to write about them specifically for this book?

Keiler Roberts: I wrote about those things at varying lengths of times after they happened. Bipolar disorder and the unrelated illusions and hallucinations are ongoing, but I don’t write about them during bad spells. There are great stretches of time when I get to be a “normal,” healthy person. It took about six years before I was able to describe the miscarriage in a way I was satisfied with. I have several longer, gorier versions. Time makes it easier for me to edit. When I’m very close to a rough experience I know I’m looking for something extra – attention, sympathy, or just wanting people to be aware of some part of me. At some point it changes, and I’m just trying to tell an interesting story. It happens to be mine, but I no longer need people to connect to me because of it. I hope they connect to the comic. I have to move past the point where I feel competitive, past the illusion that my miscarriage was the worst, that my post-partum depression was deeper and darker than anyone else’s. I know enough about other people to realize I’ve never had it the worst. I do take notes while events are happening, but I don’t always look at them when I’m making the comics. Journaling itself has a way of making certain memories stick.

KD: I’ve always found your pacing dynamic and this book is a great example of it. Some of the bits are one page snapshots while others develop into fully realized memories or mini-memoirs. There’s no dividing line between them, no titling to alert the reader immediately that one chapter has ended while another has begun. It connects all the stories in a way that feels most alike actual memory and thought. One moment you focus on a trauma and another moment your daughter, Xia, is saying some genius line like, “My tummy is horrified.” This feels very deliberate, how do you go about planning your books?

KR: Thank you! When I’m writing individual stories, I don’t know where they’ll be located in a book. I lay them all out on the floor and find an order that creates an emotional line that I like. I’m drawn to contrast and inconsistency. Maybe it’s the effect of bipolar rapid cycling on my personality, or maybe it’s just that jokes are funnier when they’re paired with something dark.

The themes that emerge aren’t planned before I begin. I didn’t set out to write so many stories with a medical component. I’d like to write more about my close friends and my teaching job because they are huge parts of my life that make only brief appearances in the book. This is where the line exists that separates my stories from my life, though. Powdered Milk has never been a totally accurate picture of my life. It’s all honest and true, but so much is excluded. It might just be about timing, though. I finally wrote Xia’s birth story, which wasn’t traumatic at all. I can’t predict which events will turn into comics, or when.

KD: What type of work were you doing prior to comics? What drew you to the medium? Who was the first cartoonist you read that really clicked with your sensibilities?

KR: I painted for many years – mainly loose photorealism of my own snapshots of friends, pets, and food. I started doing some illustration, thinking I’d like to make children’s books because I loved text and reproduced images. After pursuing that for a while I decided to quit art and make clothes. I started a blog-documented project of replacing my whole wardrobe with (mainly terrible) things I sewed and knit myself. Three years into that, I started another blog that paired illustrations with excerpts from my journal. All of this work, including the paintings, was autobiographical in some way. I was oblivious to alternative comics until I took a class with Aaron Renier called Graphic Narrative at DePaul in 2009. The first cartoonist that really opened my eyes was Gabrielle Bell. Her work changed my world. Everything I love about art existed within comics, and she was doing it.

KD: You’ve exhibited in two shows recently, a group show titled Mirror Face at Cleve Carney Gallery with Christa Donner and Sarah McEneaney and a solo show at The Naughton Gallery at Queen’s University in Belfast. How do you feel about taking comic pages out of context and displaying them in a gallery setting? How do you approach the challenge of displaying a printed comic alongside more traditional painting and installation work? Do you think anything is gained or lost in this translation?

KR: The pressure that I’d associated with museum and gallery shows was completely absent when showing comics. The curators of those shows, Ben Crothers (The Naughton Gallery) and Justin Witte (Cleve Carney) did all of the work and planning for how to display the pages. I dislike the care that precious objects require, but I’m happy to have my work in that setting. My work is better suited to museums or galleries than many comics because the stories are contained in short pieces and can be read in any order. The content isn’t sacrificed. Some people make beautiful pages that are worth seeing out of narrative context, just for their visual sake. My work doesn’t look that much different from the reproductions, and lacks the visual flair of a painting, or anything in color, or even the richness of a line drawing made with India ink. It is a different experience taking in something very personal and possibly emotional in a public space. I can only recall one work of gallery art that disturbed me into leaving, and one that made me cry. I think if anything is lost in translation, it’s the loss of privacy of the viewer, and maybe their willingness to participate emotionally.

KD: Your work has been prominently auto-biographical. You touch on some of the possible issues with it in Sunburning when you write about what Xia might think about her weirdest childhood moments being memorialized in ink forever. While I believe that you’re making some of the most challenging and thoughtful auto-bio work and want you to keep pumping out books forever, do you ever get exhausted with it and want to dive into fiction?

KR: I’m not exhausted yet! Life changes and provides new content. Even within auto-bio, there are territories I haven’t entered. I’m attracted to truth and reality more than to anything I’ve invented. A few times I’ve gone into a fictional passage that was contained by my character’s fantasy. I can imagine doing more of that. I find it interesting that fiction writers aren’t often asked if they’re considering switching to auto-biography. When I was a little kid I had one imaginary friend, and only for a short time. It was Robin, of Batman and Robin. My own imaginary friend was a character created by someone else.

More of Keiler’s work can be seen on her website, tumblr, and twitter. There will be a release part for Sunburning, May 20th at Quimby’s. It’s also available for pre-order.

BYOB LA recap: a conversation w/ Chris Coy, Guthrie Lonergan, and Artie Vierkant

Episode 20 Mark Booth

How To Get Lost in a City: An Interview with Amira Hanafi

Music File Sharing Debate Creates Music?

Art and the 2015 UK General Election

from Bad at Sports http://ift.tt/2qGyP2A via IFTTT

#IFTTT #Bad at Sports

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honorthymunn · 7 years

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Enough is Enough...when I have no sensitivity and rarely around me...

Enough is fucking enough when I have to try to remove my own sutures, when I have to stop and breathe almost passing out just to get up the hill to the hospital which has no bus route.

When Doctors upon Doctors need an emergency contact and a support person and I just leave it blank...looking down as I whisper there is no one.

When I cannot even know the littlest yet to me most precious bits and pieces of Chloe as my oldest always states “Not Right Now Mom”...the right now never comes & my soul survives for the thought of her.

Elle, I am at her mercy for she has the info that could save me...My No Matter What promise to Chloe has loosened that noose on the tree when even hanging failed me.

I feel forsaken expected to laugh through the losses, walk hills faster with cancer, not worry, be scared, complain, reach out...anything cuz it interrupts her happiness.

So as Ive mastered suffocating in silence, in there again...at the mercy of the key-holder to what little left can ease the lack of breath shall it be a time she uses that key when nothing is going on in life if she has a minute.

The silent rage, sufferings, sacrifices and even simple needs will be here suffocating within me as a slowly fade.

My mother tortured me for almost a lifetime and still I honored her. My name was on her doctors list, I made time for her appointments, took care of her, bathing her, even the sacred act of tending her feet.

Although broken...her fears were eased as I digested her regrets and anger with little acknowledge until days before the end.Then I rendered my greatest gift ensuring she was not to die alone.

I took my own soul breathing it into her for what seemed like hours. Not even a thought crossed me as i am on ground zero with EMT courageous n selflessly giving her all the beautiful heartfelt words of worthiness so she got to feel that love, that honor...instilling her worth.

I divinely carried her soul through the realms of her passing. All this...to give her everything she refused me...her soul set a free.

Me accepting silent suffocation with little to no chance of ever relief...

All the while being assaulted on a soul level by an ungrateful younger brother who’s memory obviously vacated; attacking the one soul who threw herself in front of gunfire, violence, trauma

...even putting myself between him & one of Daddy’s Druggies who was like a beast sliding a knife up my 3yr old brothers neck just glaring as if I would scare and run.

Instead I boldly came face to face with Wild Bill his knife blade set to shred my baby brother’s head as he so innocently lied asleep.

That mutherfucker said “Someone’s head is being cut off here & now...Who’s It Gonna Be?” i swear the devil leaped out of his eyes testing my honor, my will and my love for my dear brother.

Swift as a wolf I raised my head up to him as I pushed my neck up high silently declaring...Then take me. Raising his Rambo style knife to my throat I never shifted my gaze...letting that bitch know you’ll have to behead me taking my life while you look into my fearless eyes.

Suddenly as if a ghost appeared his eyes where scared and he startled pulling back that blade before he jumped out Lil Frankie’s bedroom window onto the back storage & off into the night.

Hearing my mother screaming down the stairs rocking back n forth with ambulatory aid. I confronted her in disgust stating “What are you so freaked out & scared? Mom...”He pulled a gun on me”...again her needs

... so trying to inform her; he not only put a gun to my head in the hallway that night ...he almost killed my brother Frankie yielding a knife against his throat which was about the size of his 3yr old head...was as futile as expecting her to be a mom.

Springwood would force me to be fearless, protecting my Lil brother’s sheltering their pain by always throwing myself into danger to be the shield.

My dad was always huddled in some corner all scary like with a spoon that I guess held his drugs, lighting it over a glass of water. I was so scared & frantic that by chance if I didn’t watch over my brothers. my dad’s drug uses, and missed a cup of that water it could kill one of my brothers.

Well over a year I got up at 5am going through everything rinsing out all glasses of water also hiding residue. Fearing my Lil bros, unaware of the danger could expose themselves to it or worse drink one of Dad’s drug glasses of water.

No one knew of this besides my therapist, until confronting my mom prior her passing and now...in this random therapeutic rant.

One morning i awoke just a few minutes later than usual...knowing my bros were up early too I ran down the stairs into the kitchen.

Hence my worst fear...my cute Lil bro Marvin wearing my purple polo shit, with his cute cheeks, freckles and red poofy hair...was already in the kitchen taking an almost full drink from one of dad’s cups...

I panicked and instantly reacted by slapping him in the face with my right hand so hard the blow forced the water to spurt out his mouth. I barely saved him, ashamed I didn’t get to that glass...this moment created a trauma so deep it haunts me even now.

It was Not ..doing whatever I could to care & protect my bros not caring of my expense, as I’m the big sister if I didn’t take this job on they’d be scared, unable to protect themselves from the violence and trauma I so vigilantly & desperately tried to shield them from.

It was the look on Lil Marvin’s face...in sheer shock...traumatized by his big sister...and why she slapped him so suddenly when he did nothing wrong...that look of despair left me broken silently screaming what the fuck is wrong with my parents?”

...I couldn’t explain to Marvin or Frankie why I did that, They were too young to understand plus keeping them from seeing/knowing all the bad things going on was my job.

Trauma allows little memory of my plight, never telling them I often wondered if they thought I was a bad big sister...My Mom’s death last Dec. 2016 swiftly assaults me with that answer.

My whole childhood seemed in vain; as Frank verbally shattered the few patched up pieces of my existence. Especially him, I was devoted...

my parents left my brothers with this weird couple to watch them a few hours - lack of care - me not there - lead to a huge physical trauma to my Frankie.

One full leg was shattered, his pelvis broken and the upper other leg broken as well. He was in a near full body-cast for almost a year, only 4, mom & dad couldn’t keep him safe...so big sissy was determined to keep him cared for.

We lived in the projects and since mom barely made meals and we had little food most times. I would take Lil bros over to the rec center for free lunch every day.

There was this tight left/right/then left fenced entrance...no other way could we get in. So bis Sissy proudly smiled as she patiently and strongly carried her Frankie, in full body-cast which also had a bar connecting the legs to keep the core in place

...all the way from their apartment which was very far (in kid glasses) to that rec center for his daily lunch. Sometimes they’d run out and I gave up mine so my Lil bros would feel good & strong.

Relentlessly, for months, every day 1x or more severely struggled successfully getting Lil frank through that damn gate. He’d be hot(it was summer) in that cast and frustrated so I’d tell him don't worry little brother were gonna get through this gate and every time the struggle was worth it.

The trauma not only physically stunted him as he would have to re-learn everything, yet psychologically as well...he couldn’t talk saying words trying to get his point across. Sissy put on her teacher hat and sure a shit Frankie was talking again.

I also saw him as my savior...due to many violent scary experiences all occurring at night where I put on my Momma Bear hat giving myself in hopes I could spare them of the suffering and pain.

I was terrified of darkness w/out light. Laying in my bed paralyzed, too afraid to move as I could not see my surroundings...

I would cry “Frankie...Frankie...Frankie”; and that adorable red headed stunner at 2/3/4 yrs of age...would run into my room turn on my light...so I felt safe. We would fall asleep laughing and telling stories.

I prayed every night silently making my plea to God, that if he could put any pain or struggles my Lil bros may face on me to weather. I also prayed that if I have kids please please please help me save them from ever experiencing my type of sufferings.

I, being a child naively tried to make a pact with God. I would take all this pain, all this suffering, all the severe scary abuse and be brave always in exchange for giving my Lil bros a fighting chance at life.

I insisted he gave me any experience that would scare or hurt my Lil bros, as my scars to bear. Always reminding God my future family will be everything our family was not and my kids would never be abused in ways that I did.

Thinking back my thought process could only be unconditional love & hope for my Lil bros to not see what I saw, felt what I felt, experience what I experienced as I was already damaged goods but the boys...we can save the boys...right God?

Later in life i struggled with God...as Marvin was into gangs and angry at the world...then Frankie was just used as another player in this world’s sick selfish games

...everyone & everything to this day is shadowed by Frankie’s acts, being still a child 11/12, was acting out his abuse. I didn’t blink and protected Frankie from the backlash, injustices and judgements these acts would bring.

Even risking my own children defending his honor... This was important to me as I saw things bad scary things mom n dad even with friends used to make him do.

These struggles my brothers endured in my eyes were supposed to be on my shoulders, and as Big Sissy I personally blamed myself for their sufferings...believing i failed somewhere along the line

...and God had failed on 1 of only 2 prayers I prayed for nightly since I could remember...I hated him...Crossing his name out of every spiritual book I would buy...eventually learning many paths all led me back to Him.

For years I have suffered immensely feeling my failings to take better care of him earlier in life was why...now...in my greatest tragedy...i’m nothing but a piece of trash left on some dark lonely road in Ocosta.

..My son Sage, losing everything for an imminent noble plight, my breakdown suffocating silently as no hand reached my way. I was in this alone and with every missing of the mark; Frank would judge me, looking down at me, denying such; yet he either was blind to his own behaviors or this infliction of shame upon me is intentional.

The moral to the story, better stated stories’... on most levels is still up in the air.

My mom’s death... compounded with Frank’s, almost demonic in nature, verbal and non verbal abuse is long-suffering. Perhaps the Devil has been sneaking upon him years now...

Instantaneously when mom died, so did any goodness in Frank. Possessed, creating chaos on sacred ground, refusing Moms children, grandchildren, family and friends any sort of closure...In respect for impending legal actions I won’t prevail any further details...

In a short time span; I lost my only real longtime girlfriend and coworker to a tragic death, soon after my Kelly who glitters died in her sleep...then my mom died - devastatingly so did my brother frank...

Another child taken (via brotherly love) ~ My Sissy...my heart just cries out for her daily...constantly looking, searching, praying God will at least... bring My Sissy back.

My soul decided any hope of some family besides personally was dead. My safe place gone...

I always felt content knowing that If; Life May Again Rip Me 2 Shreds...I had Momma’s Compound, with the Satanic Scary Ritual Grounds & old creepy mossy forests

In Frank’s eyes; its a garbage dump hoarders compound...and by golly...against all consciousness, Mom’s rights, her will, the beneficiaries, that property, and all her items would be pillaged, dishonored, and by legal standards; straight up fuckin irrevocably damaged

#TheraputicRant #ArtbyNishkama #Disgust #Dishonor #heartache #MyLilBroz #traumatic childhood #NeverBetraySheKnows

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alliluyevas · 7 years

Text

@goodnightgoodnight asked: Remus, Sirius, and Ron

REMUS

First impression: I don’t remember my initial reaction while reading POA but I remember my reaction to Remus in OOTP. So, I really looked up to Remus as a teacher, because he was so kind and he protected students that were being bullied like Neville or dealing with traumatic experiences and psychological demons and he was just…precisely the sort of teacher I wanted as a little kid who was bullied in school and had teachers who contributed to that kind of environment…I was like a Neville in a world of Snapes and I needed a Remus, even a fictional one. And then the reveal in Snape’s Worst Memory of the marauders in school put a different twist on that. Now, the knowledge that teenage Remus was complicit in bullying might have made someone lose trust in him, but for some reason I didn’t react that way? I remembered being impressed. Because after being bullied myself I fell into some really toxic friendships in late elementary school with a couple really manipulative girls who bullied other kids and made me sit by and watch as a power play and I did it because I was desperate for their affection and approval. Now, Sirius and James obviously aren’t doing what they did to hurt Remus like my “friends” were, but I related to Remus in that situation and it made me feel better about myself to know that I might grow up to be someone like adult Remus and turn my bad experiences which I felt guilty about into a strength to protect other kids from being bullied.

Impression now: I still love him a lot…my perspective on him as a person hasn’t changed, although my perspective on how JKR wrote him has become much more critical.

Favorite moment: when he’s teaching Harry how to produce a Patronus, or when he reunites with Sirius

Idea for a story: literally anything with Remus so long as it conforms to my specific character and relationship development preferences

Unpopular opinion: I’ve seen crit of Remus as not counting as a disabled character bc lycanthropy isn’t real in real life and while I do get that crit and he’s certainly not perfect rep on that front…but he’s clearly affected by his fictional chronic illness in ways that mirror the real world w/ poor health and mobility issues sometimes. Also Remus and Sirius were in love and I’m still working out how I feel about his ending and Remus/Tonks bc while I used to love that ship when I was like fourteen I’m kind of leaning towards negative on it now but I feel very confused.

Favorite relationship: Remus and Sirius…romantically, platonically, whatever

Favorite headcanon: I’m gonna answer this for like every character but This Boy Is Bi

SIRIUS

First impression: I loved him so much and had a weird lil elementary school hero worship crush on him…I remember bursting into tears in the prologue of Half Blood Prince (the first HP book I read immediately after its release) when Bellatrix killed that fox because SHE KILLED HIM JUST LIKE SHE KILLED SIRIUS and I wasn’t over it

Impression now: I still love him and relate to him but no longer crush on him bc he’s Extremely Gay and maybe so am I, funny how that works

Favorite moment: when he asks Harry to live with him and he smiles and looks like the man in the picture at Lily and James’s wedding I still cry every time tbh

Idea for a story: marauders at Hogwarts hanging with Hagrid I want to see more of their relationship

Unpopular opinion: He’s Gay and I will accept nothing else sorry JKR

Favorite relationship: Remus but also Harry

Favorite headcanon: Sirius is bipolar and has ADHD

RON

First impression: I definitely don’t remember this bc I was literally five years old when I read Sorcerer’s Stone but I didn’t appreciate Ron as much as he deserved when I was little…I never disliked him but I didn’t love him like I do now

Impression now: my son. My unjustly maligned and demeaned son, a valued member of the trio and a great man

Favorite moment: when he tells a man who he thinks is a mass murderer that if he wants to kill Harry he’ll have to go through Ron first

Idea for a story: I honestly feel like I’ve seen enough of Ron, like I don’t feel like there are any missing moments I want to see, except maybe more Romione and Weasley family fluff

Unpopular opinion: RON IS GOOD. Also he’s very witty and hilarious and smart in his own way

Favorite relationship: Ron and Harry and Hermione but also Ron with both of them individually

Favorite headcanon: even though Cursed Child was awful I liked JKR’s little note that middle-aged Ron is getting chubby I thought that was cute. And Ron is totally the househusband of the Granger-Weasley family lbr.

#i might rest a bit now lmao #save the rest for tomorrow

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