#bc she wanted u dead

[dailyedgeworth]

today, yeah. you know.

#tbh i dont really see them getting together at those ages #they'd be kinda toxic i think? #like imagine being the rebound after DAHLIA #or getting together with the guy you've lowkey been in love with for years but after DAHLIA so you have trust issues #bc she wanted u dead #also edgeworth's mean when he's 17 so that wouldnt help #but at the same time... funney colours hehehehe #wrightworth #narumitsu #phoenix wright #miles edgeworth #naruhodo ryuchi #mitsurugi reji #bratworth #feenie

[inkskinned]

at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"

like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.

"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."

... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.

and i'd still keep writing.

i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.

i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley

"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"

and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.

it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.

you create because you're greedy.

#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME #there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing #and the writing is what i need to be doing #writeblr #this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to #edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol #i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!! #my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means #i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her) #hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong #i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet. #i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse #i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!! #i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO #i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness #and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it #im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us #i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer #and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art. #i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work #even if it means being miserable #but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.

[beeduoo]

wonderful

#there is a ranboo that goes withthis but i didn't like how he was looking imma restart from scratch tmrw😭😭 #ctubbo #michael beloved #ctubbo fanart #Guys you have no idea what i went through today like it wa fucking crazy i need to share this #so i went to the mall after school right and im going home at like 8 on the train with my friend bc i was supposed to be picked up ay her #stop right but then im told to just go to my stop and take the bus and im like ok sure but the problem is my phone is on SEVEN PERCENT and w #hen i get to the stop my moms like u have money for the bus right and im like ueah and i check and i have NO MONEY #BUT I DIDNT TELL HER ANUTHING BC I DIDNT WANT HER TI GET MAD BC I KNEW SHE WOUDKNT WANT ME TO WALK ALL THE WAY HOME AT NIGHT (FOURTY BLOCKS #So im like ok im getting on the bus now my phone is on four percent i have to WALK HOME allll that way and there's this crazy ass upward hi #ll that's like ten blocks long ITS NOT EVEN THAT BAD but like my mom thinks im on the bus so im trying to speed walk as fast as i can and i #RAWDOGGED it too because MU PHONE WAS GOING TO IDE!!!! #I made it home at two percent U guys i was so proud of myself thank u for listening #IM SO MAD IT WOUKDVE BEEN OKAY IF I WASNT IN A RUSH And also if i had music uggghhh Whatever #I bought this really cute skirt at garage hold on let me find it #lexi pleated skort color Navy blue ITS SOOOO CUTE got some new leg warmers too yesss.... #I NEED TO DOWNLOAD THE TRANSIT APP i woukdve been able to attach my apple pay and buy the stupid ticket if my phonewasnnt #too dead to do al that... #Guys always make sure u carry cash with yiu goodbye

[yunogf]

JAEHYUN as CHA MINHO - Ep. 6

#nctinc #jaehyunnet #jaehyun #dear.m #mine*works #gifs*jaehyun #hes so sad &pathetic </3 #when he got scammed :((((((((((((((((( #he is bearing the emotional brunt of the entire show like #everyone else falling in &out of love meanwhile hes working 10 jobs to pay for school &his sisters wedding bc his parents r #dead &he accidentally joined a pyramid scheme #&the girl he likes has made dating someone who isnt him her entire personality #cha minho i would treat u right <3 #when he snapped/yelled at jooah.....who else clapped #i get that she doesnt kno abt his feelings for her but she was literally like #ur such a loser like a loser when it comes to relationships lol #&then when he snapped she was like omg what is his problem -_- #the scene where minho was like u should go bc he could tell she wanted to be w the other dude #jaehyuns voice in that scene....... #jooah different from me i wouldve k*ssed him stupid in the street

[misspickman]

My unpopular bg3 opinion is they tried way too hard to make some of these characters mean and flippant which is meant to make the player more interested in them and clearly this has worked on many (good for you !) but personally i could not care less. If 80% of what a character has to say to me is bitchy i will simply leave them at camp for most of the game

#Is this a skill issue of mine yeah maybe. I just find it annoying #At best and off-putting at worst like is there no better way to show that shadowheart is going through stuff/have her be mean that isnt #Her getting pissy that you have respect for a bunch of dead slaves #That was wild. I didnt ask her either she just had the need to let me know she thinks these slaves aint shit bc they didnt fight back #Thanks larian! #Wild take maybe idk but i dont think that makes her interesting i think it makes her off-putting. In this case #I generally like shadowheart this just sure is a thing to have her say. And not give the player an option to respond in any way #Ill get over this single line but im mad now. This isn't the only instance of this #I guess both larian and bioware think that characters thinking slavery is kinda ok is not a deal breaker #Txt #I know that these characters soften during the game. I have played a fair amount of it. I did shadowhearts quest i know whats up. Still #In both her and astarions case i think theyre written to have some wild takes on whats Ok to do that get kinda swept under the rug #if you manage to shove them in a Good direction. But u dont. Actively see them grapple with any of it #They just suddenly go wow im better now. Yay. I suddenly dont want to enslave other people for my power (in astarions case) #Like this switch flipped bc of my one roll? Idk. Im not super convinced #I know this is how the game works. I just think it could have been written better

[undefeatablesin]

Dealing with the tail end of another artblock by brainstorming feral Good Hunter Aloysha looks. Because she was not already feral enough for me I guess lmao ✨️

#sin scribbles #(her bad vibes are so intense even my artblock runs away from her.) #(currently experimenting with giving her a jaw guard as part of her gear as u can see 😂) #(probably more darkbeast bones why not she has the claw already!!!) #(and yes i finally remembered she has the beast hide garb bc rly nothing else scratches the same feral itch. NOTHING!!!!) #(i might give her a custom version of the hood for that set tho bc. well. she needs smth for when it rains!!!) #(so sorry i just been like dead lately and this is all i got ive been quite unwell 😂) #(my entire eye was swollen up today????? cool i guess...) #(well whatever. have my nasty girl) #(its all that damn dmc music i been listening to!!!!!) #(hi. subhuman anyone? yes.) #(i want her to just be completely unhinged. we MUST go deeper.)

[swordmaid]

hehehheheheheheheh 🤭

#she WOULD put makeup on him 🤭 #anyway I was excited to color this bc I wanted to see the difference w their undertones since they have similar hair and eye colours #but shri’iia’s colours are vibrant whereas his isn’t bc he’s dead #also I put purple shading on him to make him look more like a corpse and I kinda like it 🫶 #I’m getting more used to drawing in procreate tho… like it’s giving my old drawings right??? #but the only thing throwing me off is that u can’t clipping mask on a group 😭😭 gotta find a way #to workaround that….

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it #my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store #and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person #dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much #for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is #trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u #treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her #dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a #god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close #my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he #feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom #which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were #saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were #a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was #distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their #relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her #expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she #grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear #in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i #saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The #Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and #unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much #unrelated

[aq2003]

series 3 is so frustrating because there is like a shining core of pure diamond underneath the problems . like conceptually it rocks so incredibly hard. but the problems

#dr who #i am being so honest when i say ten should have gotten on his knees and begged for simm!master's life #they should have framed the bit between him and martha's mom so different #like yes it is 10000% in character that the doctor with his bleeding heart and loneliness wouldn't want to kill him #even after everything that happened. because he's the only person he has left. 'i forgive you' was PERFECT. #but literally anyone else that suffered from what the master did. Deserves to rip him to shreds. so very obviously #and like i know.i KNOW that i am watching the 'funny immortal alien saves people through time and space' show #but i actually despise the doctor being framed as like an all powerful savior. or treated like one. even for a little bit. is Annoying #the first part of the series 3 finale having martha be humanity's last hope was SO GOOD bc it like kind of set her up as like #having to grapple with all that responsibility and attention like the doctor does. everyone's lives are in her hands. so crunchy #but when it like slides into 'everyone pls believe in our specialest boy in the world The Doctor <3' it just. falls flat #i feel like with a couple tweaks here and there in the execution and like actual fuckinnn people of color in the writer's room #series 3 would be PEAK media. but as it is it's just. falling short. #i do really appreciate martha deciding to leave ten on her own though. first of all. qpp down. second of all #she's realized that she can't keep traveling with him. bc (as i mentioned) hes someone who simultaneously needs saving #and refuses to be saved in the ways that matter. Yes im fucking ignoring the unrequited romance angle i think #it does a gigantic disservice to martha's character if u boil her down to that. fight me i dont care if that was the authorial intent #martha in the end is too kind to ten and ten keeps making her watch his meandering path of self destruction. toxic doomed qprism to ME. #anyway fuck. idk man series 2 consensus was that im dead inside and series 3 consensus is that the version i have of it in my head is peak #series 2 is better but i think because of my ten martha insanity i actually enjoyed watching series 3 more than series 2. #even if i got mad at it more than any other season. i think something is wrong with me. um. lmao #ten and martha #10 era

[lesbianthetridentarius]

people who draw pre-harrow-the-ninth harrow with longer hair than gideon... you are incorrect.

#gideon was frequently chastized for how long she kept her hair #so much art that is like wow this is gorgeous but harrow would NOT let her hair get that long #tlt #the locked tomb #u can take this as facetious bc it's fan art it's silly ppl do what they want #but also i am dead serious and correct about everything

[beeapocalypse]

was about to start a post with 'do you remember the desperate housewives videogame. the husband shouldve been stoned to death. the cop and the mobster as well' and then realized no. nobody remembers the fuckin desperate housewives game are you kidding me

#genuinely some of the most appalling implications ive seen in a story and they are just NOT addressed at all. a cop obsessed with his-- #--high school girlfriend going to the lengths to track her down like twelve years after she left town somehow being the best choice is awfu #i dont even want to put down a basic plot summary for context the husbands actions are so disgusting. the mc has amnesia (bc her-- #--mobster exboyfriend tried to have her killed) and looks incredibly similar to the husbands dead wife. extrapolate from there if u wish #i dont know anything abt the show itself. in my mind it does not exist #the only normal characters in the game are the children+the mcs son and the gay fashion designer neighbor. w the neighbor it is bc he is-- #--neither '''competition''' as the other housewives are nor a '''potential score''' as every other man is. nearly every single-- #--interaction in the game is portrayed that way and it is maddening #i think the therapist mightve been decent ? i cannot remember he just kind of sat there and nodded along but at the very least you-- #--did not have the option to fuck him and he was not a creep #^ guy who is far too invested in a 2006 tv show videogame. sorryyy #a strung out addict with amnesia investigating a mystery. harrier du bois type character LOL

[merevide]

thinking about killing eve again. thinking about eve. and her inhabitions and how she was so repressed and unfulfilled and her only true escape from that was her extensive research into female assassins and through that and getting fired and then rehired she meets villanelle and they basically bring out the worst in each other obvi but that’s also kinda their best selves because all villanelle wants is to be understood and that’s also what eve wants but she denies and denies and denies and she basically keeps denying everything until it’s too late and she’s left alone, again, screaming out in the water.

#like this shit is tragic IF ONLY IT WAS WELL WRITTEN. my god #i haven’t even rewatched this show ever since the last episode aired how do i have all of this just stored away in my brain #eve is such a wasted character because she’s literally so interesting #and then they just kinda fuck it up because they couldn’t really commit to her and her desires #which is also reflected in the show through her character bc she denies and denies and denies until it’s too late #too late being villanelle ending up dead and villanelle was basically the personification of all of eve’s dark desires #like villanelle kinda fucked up her life and killed her best friend and hurt so many of the people eve loved #and eve still was in her orbit because. BECAUSE!!!!! #i’m literally ranting right now and i don’t even know why #like i could go on and on but none of u wanna hear that #like eve is alone in a mental sense in the start and she’s alone in a literal sense in the end #like lol. this isn’t even talking about the romantic aspects of it either #don’t even hit me with that their obsession went deeper than romance sit they wanted to fuck each other let’s get real #i kinda need a reboot of killing eve but with good writing all the way through #i dunno. i dunno why i’m even talking about this #like i’m gonna be 80 and still babbling about killing eve and toxic yuri madness in the nursery home #this show wasted literal years of my life i’m never gonna get back…. #BLEGH. sick sick sick sick sick sick sick SICK #killing eve #my text

[randomnameless]

I’m surprised at the amount of billy asks you get. Does it mean that they’re popular? All i know for sure is that they certainly seem to interest a lot of people. And i agree that they really do have the bones for a fascinating character, but the developers couldn’t be bothered to build something from those bones because 1) sim shenanigans, you can’t have your self insert react strongly if you’re meant to project 100% onto them, but billy does have traits that keep getting mentioned by more than one person plus the few actions they do choose and a backstory, which doesn’t seem like cardboard to me imho, but also 2) earl gray, and what invader added is the most damning detail of them all. Or rather, not a detail, but the anchor that sank billy. I know we’re meant to keep flamey and edelgard separate in our minds because edelgard is marketed as a poor sad waifu you must feel compelled to rescue, but it doesn’t erase her actions or flamey. When we have evidence saying that silver snow is meant to be the primary marketed canon route and so much of the conflicts across two games come down to the actions of one person plus a poorly thought out loptous stand in, all it tells me is that the main character was doomed to fail because the developers could not decide how to write a school mystery + romance of the three kingdoms sympathetic to cao cao so they tried to “fix” that or make it “gray” by turning it into a dating sim to artificially raise the emotional stakes. At least to me it says they didn’t have confidence in billy as a main character at all because so much of it hinges on centering edelgard and the players picking faves out of the rest of the cast, and to make it more insulting the compensation is being able to kill billy in the spin off? I myself don’t really have any big faves in the games because i only play them casually and read your blog, but what i do know is that it makes me hate edelgard for essentially being the gravitational center of the games like a narrative black hole and the developers being too cowardly to really cement her as a villain, and it doesn’t make me like warriors either because it doubles down on trying to explain her position instead of telling a story and because shez fans are extremely annoying and rude online, no surprise that many are also edelgard fans.

I'd say it's a cumulation of everything!

I think the fandom (myself included!) might have been a bit harsh on Billy because of their avatar status, even if I still think Rhea's S-support "aloneb4u" is shit and Seteth not giving any fucks about her and centering his support and convos on "we must find her so she will reveal da truth 2 u" is bonkers and both of those instances can't be only attributed to Hresvelg Grey but to "only the player is important", like the theory i came up with the self-insert scissors.

But yeah, I feel like at one point, Supreme Leader hijacked the "main character" or "character at the center of the plot we want to tell" spot, all gravitas went to "can u kill the student who loves u and bear with the sad uwus for the rest of your run ??" instead of, you know, the greater plot Nopes teased us with a Larva vs Sothis that never happened?

I compared FE16's story to many things earlier on, but the general thing is "why are we talking and following the least interesting parts of Fodlan", Supreme Leader's war of unification is meh, bias or no bias, I would have loved to see a War of Heroes game, or even a game set during the Sothis vs Agartha era (or the two why not) - but here we just have Ashnard lite with an uwu glazing, without even tackling a traditional or underlaying issue from the FE series about coexistence between people and acceptance and whatnot.

(the reason why AM is still, imo, a letdown because it ignores the dragon in the room)

What was Billy supposed to be? Supreme Leader's luf interest? A character that can conceptually fall (if they pick Tru Piss) thus can ascend in other routes? A self insert? The character you're supposed to navigate the world with?

I think Billy being a silent protag was a disservice to them - despite all of its faults, Nopes at least gives more light to Billy and it's refreshing, even if the game will never add 1+1 because Hresvelg Grey.

TBH I think Fodlan has its own share of fans being annoying regardless of the character they support - and while Barney is pretty chatty, ultimately Barney is the deviant art OC with two swords because why not, a sekrit past that is never explained and somehow stronger than everyone who is actually as empty as an oyster shell. We don't know what Barney wants, to be a merc? Yeah, but why? Is it because Barney is searching for somewhere to belong - just like Billy in a way - ?

As for the cardboard mention, it's most likely again in relation to Hresvelg Grey and Fe Fodlan's writing - the games don't spend enough time to build a sense of friendship and camaraderie between the cast to make the "betrayal" hurt or even the "y must we kill people we knew :'( " meaningful, so we only have the "wah sensei why didn't you pick me :(" or the general "i'm sad to fight against you" but like, mate, who are you? Why are you lamenting having to fight against Billy - someone who is opposing/invading your country and everything you stand for - like Billy and 12 months in Rhea's rocky mansion meant so much to you, much more than the 17 years of life (with acquaintances, friends, family, etc) you had?

But it's also in relation to Hresvelg Grey and the silent protag - why no one can give a reason - save for Supreme Leader "lizards BaD + MAGA" - to join this route, heck, not even Billy can say why they joined this route...

In French we have a saying that goes "comparaison n'est pas raison" more or less meaning you can't always compare things bcs context and all, but after TS's protag Serenor - who also has Gary Stu moments! - Billy not saying a thing about Supreme Leader's nonsense, frowning at Dimitri and being silent during Claude's monologues is... annoying.

But when Billy isn't in Fodlan games, they can talk and there's still the forbidden rule of not adding numbers - never ! - but they shine more.

#anon #replies #Billy stuff #TS's Serenor was annoying at times like the Fred ending was uhhh a thing #self-insert scissors are sadly what IS seems to come up with recently #I don't think Elibe Echoes will cut off Pent from Louise's life so she will be able to marry the self insert #maybe it's just a shipping thing you'd say #but for Seteth not to mention Flayn at all in his supports nor his sister who is being zumba'd in Enbarr like their siblings #it's just wtf #is this why Cat and Cyril and to a lesser extent Dedue weren't loved by the fandom? because they have someone else that is more important #to them than Billy? #or maybe it's bcs Rhea BaD and Dimitri BaD #FE16 #3 Nopes #sort of #I game about Billy being like Alear #discovering who they are and chosing what they want to do would have been much more interesting #than i wanted to walk with u :( #imagine a billy who decides to stand by humanity even if they're dumb because they luf them #or a billy who thinks they're better off dead because they will never accept anyone being different and #a billy who stands by humanity but refuses to accept they'll forever be dumb thus accepts to guide them #something weird like that #with zanado fruits and more focus on Sothis and Nemesis's party

[frecklystars]

Holy shit. Thank you guys for all of the asks. I got exactly 50!

I meant to respond to them when I got home from work last night, but I didn’t have enough energy by the time I was done reading these. I’m still incredibly exhausted today, it’s like all of the energy is completely sapped out of me since I was in the emergency room the other day.

The heavy ache in my chest definitely lessened while I was focused on reading what you guys wrote last night. The reminders that my TF F/Os still love me is something I really need to hear, something I probably have to tell myself multiple times... I spent so long being conditioned to believe otherwise.  

A few of you also reminded me that Starscream had gone through heavy abuse, and he wouldn’t support someone who treated me the way Megatron treats him. It helped me feel better... I think that’s what got through to me the most. I’ve seen so many commissions/fics my ex-friend showed me where she was being manipulative, and that she would be loved for it. Seeing all of that visual representation of her being so tenderly loved by these characters while she was hurting me at the same time, for so many months, it really did some damage and made me internalize the belief that all transformers characters would want to hurt me the same way and love her for it. Especially when the characters she commissioned and talked about the most often were forming into PTSD triggers. For almost a year now, I have just assumed that all of those characters she wrote and commissioned, including Starscream, would encourage her to hurt me and that they would love to see me getting hurt. I don’t choose to feel this way, it’s just... trauma. 

But a few of you wrote about how... canonically, Starscream was so fucking pissed when he was abused, especially in RiD2015!! He was so broken up and angry just like I am!! His entire 3 episodes focused on him repeating how unfairly he was treated, how much he wanted to hurt Megatron for all the times he was put through emotional/physical pain, how years had passed since he escaped being tied to his abuser and yet he was so, so angry and still worried that he wasn’t strong enough bc that is what he was conditioned to believe for millions of years. I want to think that same bot would look at me and see himself in me, and hold my hand through this and tell me it’s gonna be okay and it’s gonna get better and he’d never want to treat me the way my abuser treated me. How could he bear it if his little starflower looked at him the way that he looks at Megatron? I don’t want to think he would support my abuser’s actions, no matter how many fics or commissions she has stating otherwise. When I escaped a toxic situation with someone else 3 years ago, I turned to Starscream for this exact same reason, I looked to him for support. He helped me get through it. Now, I need him again after facing treatment that was absolutely horrific, except I’ve been conditioned to believe he would hurt me too; I just feel so sad when I look at him and I wish I could feel loved by him again. It’s been really, really, really hard. Hearing other people tell me that he loves me and would never want to hurt me really helps, I need to be reminded of that, because I absolutely can’t believe it when I try to tell myself.

I’m sorry I’m not able to respond to your asks at the moment, I’m extremely exhausted from. everything. Today has been difficult as well so I will be offline for the rest of the night. I don’t know if I’ll be online tomorrow. 

I’m not 100% sure when the commissions will open up, I was really hoping it would happen this week but I didn’t expect to have that panic attack Tuesday, it really drained me. I am hoping that I’ll have comms open by next week, it all depends on how I’m feeling. I might spend more time offline to limit seeing any potential triggers bc I’ve been very fragile since I went to the emergency room, things that normally wouldn’t make me spiral before are probably things that I will have more trouble handling right now, at least until I can calm down again. Normally it takes me about 3 to 5 days to calm down from a severe panic attack like that. But I gotta spend another $400 on new glasses tomorrow morning so... I really do need to open comms soon :’) They will absolutely be open within the next 2 weeks, I just don’t know exactly when. Anyway, thank you guys again for the nice messages, I really needed them and you helped me feel less alone last night ❤

#woof #and all of the asks were nice!!! thank you!!! #im sorry i gotta turn anon back off :( #i didnt get any bad messages or anything but im just cautious #dw i wont keep anons off forever. some of u were asking me to keep it on #i just dont want to read something negative or see any reminders of my abuser #bc then when im at my concert i will be more prone to having flashbacks instead of enjoying charlie puth bangin out the tunes #but ill turn them back on uhhh when im feeling a little better i guess #i just got some ppl trying to talk to me abt my abuser last week like 'ooh shes posting abt u!' #'shes spreading rumors about u. thought u should know' well i DONT want to know! thank u! #anyone who brings her up telling me what she's 'posting about me' is automatically blocked at this point #if she wants to spread rumors that is her problem. and i dont wanna know about it #bc shes dead to me and im keeping it that way ❤ #anyway. to all the ppl who wrote 50 nice messages!!! thank u! i needed them #i will reread them the next couple of days while im feeling rly sad and missing my starlight #god i cant wait to get the hyperfixation back. i cant wait to feel safe w/ them again. #one fucking day

[thatfaerieprincess]

if one more well meaning relative asks me if i have done any drawing recently i will start screaming and flip a table 🤪🙃

#it's not their fault!! it's not!!! I'm known for being The One Who Draws #they usually get updates from my parents sending out pictures of things I drew for assignments for school for years!! they haven't gotten #anything new in a long time!! #it's not their fault to ask hey have u been making anything new?? #but also if one more person asks I'll literally go fucking nuts I will start screaming crying throwing up #I will begin tearing myself limb from limb #especially if it's my grandma who I see literally every week and she in fact knows I have not been drawing #it's worse when she asks bc then it's also with that quiet pity of someone who assumes I probably haven't but hopes that I have #ANYWAY SORRY I JUST HAD TO PUT THIS SOMEWHERE #I'm doing my best and I'm not in a great space and I'm trying real hard to try and figure out who the fuck I am when my entire life isn't #Completeing Assignments #bc since middle school I have been nothing much outside of a Complete Assignments Machine #and I've found ways to bring my humor and my creativity and things I enjoy INTO Completeing Assignments #but I've somehow then learned I can ONLY do these things if they're for Completeing Assignments #and now I have graduated college and I'm trying to get a fucking job and move somewhere new and my life isn't Completeing Assignments anymor #and I haven't relearned how to have creative fun ideas outside of the assignments framework #but I want to get there again #but I need everyone to stop asking me if I have made any art recently #bc I think for a while the answer is going to be no and if it's not no it's gonna be yes but I'll have made something so fucking weird #you're going to wish I had said no and not explained that I was building a dead rat puppet #im a rambling sam

[septimus-heap]

I've seen ppl say marcia and milo wouldn't get together bc marcia would have too high standards. But this is the same woman who got emotional when casually told she should probably have more than 1 friend. So

#sep talks #marcia overstrand #milo banda #like. Im not saying she'd have low standards. But ive seen ppl say that she would not marry milo bc he couldnt like. Match her intelligence #and I disagree!! #she ALREADY has people to have intellectual conversations with #what she DOESN'T have is ppl who care abt her emotional wellbeing. Ppl she can Talk To #marcia is VERY VERY lonely. I just don't think it's necessary for her partner to be Super Intellectually Intelligent #as long as they can Be There For Her #admittedly milo was away at the start of thm but a) he came back and b) that's. That's his job. His job involves him being away a lot #marcia definitely knew this. If it was an issue she wouldn't have married him #(I say she doesn't have ppl to Talk To bc like. She's got alther i guess. But he's dead and also. Kind of her dad. Idk abt u guys but I #would not want to talk to only my dad abt everything going on in my life) #anyway yeah. Bad wording on all this etc etc. I just disagree with a lot of the points ppl make against marcilo #(@ ppl who don't like them for reasons outside of just not vibing with it. Pls tell me ur reasons I am curious)