#because this weekend has been hard

[seaweedbrain404]

i don’t know who needs to hear this (me) but if you experience chronic pain or illness or you’re disabled and you can’t work at all or you can’t work certain jobs or you can only work a couple hours or you’re struggling to find a job, it’s okay. especially if you’re also in full time education because this is difficult and i wish we didn’t have to work whilst being in full time education.

but my point is; you are trying your best with what you have. do not push yourself to do what able bodied and healthy people are doing because that is not only an unrealistic, but quite unfair, standard to set for yourself

#kept feeling guilty because my able bodied boyfriend has been pulling 8hr shifts every weekend #and i’ve only been working a 5hr shift on a saturday #then i remembered how much i struggle move around sometimes and maybe i shouldn’t be so hard on myself #disability #disabled #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronically ill #chronic fatigue

[ra-vio]

the minish cap turned 19 years old on Nov 4

#loz #legend of zelda #minish cap #toon link #link #I was busy that day. trying not to succumb to the thoughts #it was also my friend's birthday. he lives in japan so I celebrated on the 4th #im trying really hard to not fail my math course. i always take the worse math course on earth in fall #ironically the class im taking is the culmination of the other two worse math classes on earth before calc3. im not taking calc 3 #i will actually kermit. im so fucking tired. daylight savings ending is kicking my ass and its only day 3 #i've been trying to draw because i didnt draw all of october and im kinda losing my mind #and when im losing my mind i usually have some sort of buffer. its not re4 anymore cause i finished so it has to be drawing #im trying to practice the self care of doing my homework days in advance so i can get the weekends off. i hate it here. genuinely #i miss re4 so bad. i miss my wife. i miss my malewife. i miss luis #i forgot to say something about the art. i love the minish cap. its what my username is based on #my other username. not ra-vio. we know what that's based off #wow the colors look weird on pc

[forcedhesitation]

*wheeze* slowly, but surely, working on art of them all

#bg3 #myart #wip #I want to make every tav/companion pairing I have a dedicated. fancy piece. #these started with a concept for a wyll drawing that was very...storybook! inspired. #I would have been done all the linework for these two pieces by now had my weekend gone better :/ #I was violently unwell for...about a week and a half? chronic illness bullshit. had started to feel better friday of last week... #...unfortunately fate had it that the weekend ended up being particularly stressful. so the pain returned anew. #it was. somewhat better today. but still not enough for me to really be productive in my free time :( #I will try to complete the linework tomorrow if all goes well. I really would like to start colouring them! #I have delightful colour schemes chosen... #gale/illamin piece has already been sketched in a notebook. once I finish these two- I will begin lining theirs! #illamin's connects to cadence's because they're intertwined like that. but I have yet to finish planning out cadence's piece. #I've gone back and forth on who I should romance with him...the thing with any of the companions is that they are all written to be- #-immensely compatible with each other. so writing a tav FOR a specific companion is a bit hard. often the tav could fit with any of them. #hell. I'm STILL working out details of jantar and corydalis' story & characters. because I can't be normal about this. #that aside- I DO have other. finished pieces...finally. #well. I had some long before... but I didn't want to post them because I wasn't happy with them. #so I went and finished new stuff that I DO like. #4. technically 5 drawings. all horror/horror adjacent in theme. #my extremely detailed hux painting is also NEARLY done. after months upon months of work. #and I continue to slowly chip away at the big scifi themed dbd piece I've had in progress. #I really never run out of things to draw and it's a bit torturous because I never have the time or energy to draw everything...

[daydadahlias]

WAIT WHERES MIM?!?! PLEASE TELL ME YOU’LL RELEASE THAT ONE AGAIN PLEASE

I need you guys to understand that the reason I took down my stuff was for my own peace of mind because they're my stories and i started feeling unsafe having them out because of how they - and I - were being treated.

absolutely nothing is wrong with mim and I love that fic and I care so much about it which is why - for my peace of mind - i want it to belong to only me rn. I know the fic was only out a month after i finished it and that really upsets me about taking it down. i want to reupload it because i know people like the fic and i love sharing my stuff but also there's that level of how much the fic matters to me and how much more devastating it makes it when people are cruel. and how much it hurts when I, as the creator of something, am treated like I don't matter at all and that my stuff can so easily be stolen or copied. like, it's an extension of me, yknow? You can't separate content and creator in such a small and intimate sphere as fandom. like, you guys all use my first name when referring to me, yknow?? there's that sense of connection. and since it's such an intimate space, having that trust be betrayed or disrespected is so much more potent than if we were in a large fandom with a lot of creators.

the fear of having MiM copied is really immense and real for me rn and i know that's potentially me being overly paranoid but considering the Amount of times this has started to happen - and how blatantly rude and nasty and entitled readers have been getting with me and other creators over the last year - it's definitely not out of the realm of possibility.

MiM wasn't written for readers, it was written for me. and i shared it because i wanted to and that was wonderful. but to have any of my stuff stepped on so much just doesn't make me feel very safe in this fandom space rn and makes it hard to let people have access to something that matters so much to me.

I'm not saying MiM has been deleted forever, I'm just saying i want some more time for it to be mine.

#like i thought about not uploading scene 14 too especially bc she HAS been stolen verbatim before but. #at this point it just feels too late bc so many people have already read it #yeah i have a lot of conflicting feelings and im not saying i'll never repost mim but i just need some more time with her yknow???? #like she matters a *lot* to me. and im allowed to be a little finicky with her #and this has been just so. immensely hurtful lately #like i spent most of the weekend crying my eyes out over this stuff because it's just so. hard. to consistently share things #and *have* consistently shared things for three years #and to actively *see* the change that's been occuring in this fandom where people just started treating content like it was consumable #and dispensable. and then started just *expecting* things from me and demanding fics or being pointblank rude and like... #i just dont have time for it yknow?? #this stuff is supposed to be *fun*. i do it in my free time and share it with strangers for free bc i want to share the fun with others #and when people start disrespecting that. it makes it hard #like ive had so much more fun in the last week writing fic solely for myself and *not* sharing it than i have in. like. the last month #bc whenever i share fic publicly now. i know im going to have to deal with people potentially stealing it. #or not giving a shit about it and just asking when the next thing is coming. or going on twitter and ? talking about me publicly #where i cant even see it #like it's just been *so* many things lately. and it's hard when this is something i should only be doing to make me happy. #and it's been causing me sm stress instead. #and the fact that i took a week off tumblr and like. i got several pretty?? shitty asks?? that really undermined my feelings on everything. #and made it about themselves like #i dont know how to explain to you guys that we're all people and the whole point of fandom is to *share* with each other #not take. #so yeah i want to be able to share my stuff again and feel comfortable doing that but right now i just dont #and im gonna. get off my soapbox now ok <3 #the biggest thing is that. people act so overly familiar with me by calling me jess in asks and comments and acting like they know me #and then somehow. they are also so mean and devaluing of me? i cant really make sense of it. #ok enough of me. talking about myself. and venting #pigeon #anon

[celestial-sapphicss]

home school is frustrating to watch not because the show is bad (i love the show i have so many thoughts) but because despite the wildly different reasons (and stakes and intensity), seeing the education institution systems making students do things without any explanation or logic or reason just because they can and being absolutely unreasonable is very real of them.

#home school #vi.txt #i did not plan to watch this show to think about the horrors of school 💀 #idk man was it just me who has never enjoyed school/college #despite it apparently being the 'best time of life' #i have always hated school/college have always hated exams (in a they give me panic attacks kinda way) #have always hated the rules and have always hated the administration #and have always hated most of the teachers who have so much influence but they are so careless about it 🤷‍♀️ #have always been ​annoying and frustrating and deeply triggering and depressing for me #have never once wanted to live the dorm/hostel life and being made feel left out about it #i was recently talking about how im glad ill never have to go to college or give an exam again because i've finally started working #and he shared the common sentiment of no working is extremely hard and college was better etc etc #and i agree working isn't easy at all in this capatalist world BUT i did not have one moment of peace when i was in school/college #and here atleast i do what i enjoy im not overburdened to memorise i have flexibility i get money and i get weekends!!!! #better among the worst types #anyways watch homeschool

[sleevebuscemii]

.

#i hate how wishy washy my social life is in this city like. #like everything has to be Planned and is a Thing and it’s like. i don’t want to go to a fancy group dinner #or get invited to a birthday party #i just want someone who will go to target with me #or come over and keep me company while i do laundry and then get tacos after like. #something that Actually feels intimate…idk #but now its like. i either go to this fancy dinner with a big group (who are mostly couples) and at least have something to do today #or. i spend my saturday alone. #like even the friends i have 1 on 1 its like. plans have to be made in advance if we wanna go get coffee or something #like nothing is just. spontaneous and casual its alk a Thing #but also like fuck. i just spent whole week at work alone i don’t wanna be alone in my weekend too like fuuuuuck this #and its like. i can’t help but feel like its my fault but i know its been hard because i work remote so im so fucking isolated #sometimes i think i should just move home but i know thatll just make me feel like i failed #at like. moving to a big city and making it work #but also i know its not just me like lonely city by olivia laing blah blah blah but goddddddd #i am a social creature!!!! i want to be around people!!!!! but in a meaningful and fulfilling way!!!!!!! #anyway thats my therapy session for today see u next time #m

[earl-grey-love]

Ugh I had a pretty intense day. I wanna spend some time with Sim.eon, that'd make me feel better.

#honestly I really want to take a bath but I don't have a bath 😔 #its so hard being a girl.... #I'm pretty proud of myself though like you wouldn't believe what I did #I arranged a venue for my leaving party/wedding celebration #complete with the catering I want which is a classic British afternoon tea #because apparently my husband thought that only existed in Assassin's cr**d?? #so I want him to have that experience for real like he wanted #and then I had to call all my guests to double check they can attend that day + arrange travel cus its in my families hometown and not mine #then I ordered the custom celebration cake I want... #and THEN I booked two different hotel stays like one is just an overnight one in the hometown #and the other is a spa hotel for us to spend some solo time in #Im really very excited for that! #but after so much phone calls and tedium and money out of my bank Im just 😴 #getting all of this sorted has been weighing on my mind a lot lately though so Im glad its done #oh also my older brothers dryer literally exploded so now I have to buy him a new one... #and I still need to arrange with my family's church minister to bless us but he isn't available on weekends #needless to say I definitely deserve some rest and relaxation after all of that!! #sunny speaks #qpr: coffee shop companions

[gollumpanties]

well i'm so overwhelmed i just burst into tears ✌️

guess i'm not getting anything else done today. i have Reached My Limit.

#the bookkeeping has been untouched for a full month and i'm in the middle of untangling it #i'm also answering all the phones and draling with anyone who walks in #i'm also driving someone to various places periodically so i have to straight-up leave the office every 2 hours #and the stoplight between here and there is apparently being worked on so every trip involves a massive detour #and i was just told that ppl are going to be by at various times to pick up some things and sign a piece of paperwork i know nothing about #and last i heard at least one of them was an antivaxxer #and then i have to go check someone's pool after work #and i'm also monitoring the bakery for a cake i promised to try and pick up for this weekend #anyway i feel like i can't adequately hold onto a single fucking thought and i'm 2 seconds away from dropping all these balls #if the phone rings again i'm gonna start biting people #i am. Stressed. #i've been trying very very hard all day and i think that's it for me. i think i'm done. #can't even have a good nervous breakdown because people keep calling and coming in and i have to switch to Cheerful Customer Service Malay #i'm gonna mcfreakin lose it

[ectoplasmer]

need him to call me pretty and have him fawn over me a little bit like i do him

#spookyshipping #askhdsgjjv…… boyfriend on brain. valentines day is always a little difficult for me but we stay silly and try to be positive despite that #i am. having a week to say the least #short one school wise!! i get an extra long weekend so maybe i can try and get better but wow does my whole body hurt #and wow are my feelings definitely Feeling #anyway. boyfriend. have i babbled about how pretty he is recently #he has such pretty brown eyes waghh :(( #i wanted to do something for us today but i’ve just been so buuusy and overwhelmed and blehhh #maybe we’ll do something this weekend if i’m feeling up for it… go out to eat or go to some fun stores or something #hopefully for now he won’t be too dissatisfied with cuddling and sweet words until i can get him an actual present…. #i like thinking about him calling me pretty and stuff like that. sometimes it’s hard to believe stuff like that but #imagining that it’s *him* specifically saying it to me changes it a little. makes it feel sweeter and more genuine #also feels a little absurd because he’s the one saying that as if he isn’t the prettiest thing ever!!! #siiiigh. i love him your honor #would melt if he said anything even slightly positive or nice sbout me >_<

[thepavementsings]

.

#honestly #im supposed to be spending the weekend helping the guy im dating bake cookies for his friend's baking competition holiday party #and getting in the xmas spirit at the school party #and get do dress up and dance and have a bit of fun before finals eats us all alive #but instead ive come home to get poked with needles and prodded with various devices #because le hashtag chronic illness is rearing its ugly little head #giving me the friendly reminder :) that I dont get to be a 'regular' 23 year old #im trying so hard to just be a grad student. and let it be the incredible time in my life that it has been #and it's SO hard to be back home and feel like i did when i was 19 and sick and helpless and hopeless and sad #and everyone is SO supportive and kind and im trying to let them do that. and not be miserable on my own #and it is very very hard :) #so if anyone has any little holiday fics they love #or even like any holiday hc or ficlets or ideas that make them smile #please send them my way :)

[maiaacchiato]

anyhow

#mia's ramblings #you know that analogy of depression #where like the analogy goes smthn like #youre drowning and youre trying to save yourself but no matter how hard you try to make yourself float the currents dont let you escape so #-you just let the ocean engulf you into nothingness because youre so goddamn tired all your efforts are futile and giving up doesnt sound s #-bad if all this comes to an end so you stop trying you stop trying to get to the surface and let the darkness of the ocean's abyss consume #-you #and stuff #take that entire concept #but make it literal #i almost drowned 5 times over the weekend and nearly got killed by a jellyfish i am not okay #like my arms are still dead #my right wrist has carpal tunnel and ive got bruises everywhere swimming out sea is no fucking joke #the amount of rocks ive stepped on that nearly made my foot bleed #but yeah anyways this analogy of depression really stuck to me #the first time i saw this analogy was like 3 years ago and ive never been the same since #i guess in my case on the weekend it was both literal and like. whatever the other word was #i was and am physically And mentally drained from all that #and trying to pull yourself? back to shore? exhausting. never again. #i would give up in like 3 seconds or less if a riptide ever caught me

[boomerang109]

okay i have my fan going fast enough it sounds like it’s going to fly off the ceiling and kill me maybe i still have a chance at life

#basically my friend and i were literally talking the other day about how I’m not a particularly high maintenance traveller #but one thing I will not budge on (if I’m booking it myself) is that there has to be A/C #and I was saying yeah it’s not even that I necessarily need it like super cold or anything #it’s just that when I overheat it’s like one sensory thing too much with all my other symptoms #and fuck if that hasn’t been true since moving into my dorm #because of course i agreed to move back into the non air conditioned dorms because like genuinely it’s usually so nice all you need is a fan #but ig cause it’s August or cause my health or whatever it’s just been fucking hot as balls #and today especially since I’ve been mostly in bed with my period kicking my ass #it’s just been driving me insane #like i can mostly handle the pain but I just can’t handle the heat like I finally moved my boxes to be out of the way #cause I finally admitted to myself I’m not unpacking them in my current state #and I shed tears over how hot it was just moving boxes like four feet #and like please let it be clear I don’t live somewhere actually hot like im not doxxing myself #but like it’s nice outside but for some reason inside is just gross and on top of my fucking pain it’s too much #i also just I fucking hate move in so much #and I hate that i’m gonna have to text or call my mom and be like yeah im not coming to visit you this coming weekend cause im already dying #and the school year hasn’t started? #like I just tried so hard when I got here to be like ‘yes this is my year for real everything’s gonna be great’ and I just #i’m like one day into being in pain and i’ve lost my mind I can’t even think straight #i KNOW it’s my period I know it’ll last at most a week but it’s so scary everytime that it’s going to last forever cause it used to #im so scared about being an adult I don’t even feel like I can get through this school year but at least this is like. a specific task. what #the fuck am I supposed to do after that when it’s nonspecific #why does everything hurt #why do my arms hurt like that’s not a thing #my fucking throat?! #my legs are obviously killing me cause that’s a near constant these days #my headache isn’t terrible but it’s not great #and my fucking stomach #i think move in should be illegal and chronic pain should be outlawed and I think my parents should call me because what the fuck #boom’s bad days

[cold-neon-ocean]

Adjusting to the new day job schedule has been so draining but I’m getting used to the routine. I’ve been poking at comms when I can on my off hours and I’m hoping to have the current queue wrapped up soon, it’s just been slow going, I appreciate the patience ;;

#Matsu Blogging #[ our second puppy finally got neutered after we had to put it off for so long #so I've also had to watch him #saturday was spent at the vet all day because he pulled some of his stitches #after figuring out how to get his cone off #we waited for hours but thankfully it wasn't serious #and he didn't need surgery again #but ugh I need these animals to settle down :'D #this work thing has been really daunting and stressful and tiring but I'm happy for it #for the first time in my life I have a regular and stable income #it's been hard getting at art while adjusting #most of the time I get is on weekends #during weekdays I have a couple hours in the evenings #but I'm in the home stretch lol XD ]

[lupismaris]

One thing about my birthday being right amid Christmas and Hanukkah is that the fact I'm the poorest amongst my local friend group and financial insecurity has still got it's claws in me deep gets draped in flashing neon holiday lights and decorated in questions like "is there going to be a happy hour" and "what trip are you taking?? Buying yourself something nice right??" And the closer i get to the day the more my plans dwindle down into the cheapest simplest celebration so i can afford it but inevitably it will be cancelled because the holidays and gifts and my family and friends will always come first

#ignore me i woke up very depressed and very tired because i spent friday with colleagues and friends who make significantly more #and my birthday is always forgotten in favor of xmas which is why i make a point to travel but i cant this year because of cancer #and my weekend plans for a staycation have no dwindled to maybe one dinner because my family wants an early xmas #and a friend is having Hanukkah on sunday and i just dropped $300 on bills this weekend so my budget for the birthday is gone #i know this sounds very selfish and whiny but its beeb a very hard few months with medical expenses and regular bills and life #and i had really hoped to be healed up from top surgery and spending my birthday in nyc #and this whole thing since diagnosis has felt like im being dragged back underwater #and all the work ive done has been pointless

[illfoandillfie]

Hey gal,

Just wanted to stop by and say I hope life is treating you well! 💕

thank you darlin! it is for the most part lmao

work is going well - a lot less insane now that our literary festival is finished, my footy team had a big win last week and are set to have a couple more in the coming weeks, i am 4 books ahead in my goodreads reading challenge and halfway through the number of books I wanted to read this year, and i'm planning a trip to ikea soon to buy a new desk!

hows things been going with you?

#this positive energy is not transferring to writing unforch #i've been trying to work on a fic for lauren for her bday #and making absolutely zero progress #and the time when i used to get a lot of writing done at work has been interrupted lately #i've got a group of 12/13 year old boys who like to hang out in the library #and chat to me which is v sweet but they do be seeing my computer screen so i can really write smut or write anything #and then on my weekends i just have no inclination to write anything because its so fuckin hard it feels like such work