#because you get graded for listening

[voigtvir]

public speaking class is good actually because people are forced to listen to me infodump for 8 minutes

#txt #'write an informative speech 5-8 minutes' #and ive turned it into the history of slasher films #in depth #you will all hear about hays code and giallo and vietnam and tom savini and the golden age of slashers #and you HAVE to listen #because you get graded for listening

[autisticrosewilson]

While we're on the topic of De-aging AU's I wanna talk about Jason and Damian if Jason was 14 again real quick.

Do you guys think that Damian looks at this version of Jason, so different from the version he knows, nothing like the person he was told Jason was, and feels uncomfortably seen?

Damian was always told that Jason died because he was reckless, because he disobeyed orders, he was fired as Robin and he got himself killed. A cautionary tale, not a threat to his position. He dismisses Jason because Bruce does, because Dick does, because sometimes even Babs and Alfred do.

That's not the kid that he's looking at now. This Jason is happy, and smart, and full of love that has not yet soured into grief. He hangs on Bruce's every word, trains until his hands bleed and his body gives out to perfect the moves Bruce teaches him. He looks at Bruce with stars in his eyes and he calls him dad.

And Damian can't help but think, that this is the perfect Robin. The perfect son. And if Jason - sweet, loving, strong, Jason - can be fired, can die and have his room locked away and his pictures torn down, can have his last memory as Robin be as A Good Soldier, how could the rest of them ever compete? What could Damian do to stand a chance?

Jason will never grow out of the shadow of Robin, like the rest of them did. As long as Bruce, and Dick, and Babs, and Alfred look at him and see a dead kid who came back wrong, he will never get to be anything else. He will not get to be looked at through who he is now without the shadow of a dead boy looming over him.

And the worst part? Jason is exactly the same person he was back then. Bitter, sure, angry, justifiably, but he is still the boy with too much love in his heart and righteous fury festering in his gut. He is exactly the same boy who threw himself in front of an explosion to save his mother.

(The lines between the mother that betrayed him and the father that disgraced him are so very blurred. Fire or blade or crowbars or fists it does not matter. It ends the same way it always does because Jason Todd always dies, in every universe, in every timeline, Jason dies and crawls out only to be killed again and again and again.)

#dc #jason todd #damian wayne #de aging #I personally am obsessed with the headcanon that they met in the league which lends it's own sense of tragedy #but this is a more canon take on it #Bruce Wayne critical #do you guys think he watched Jason fall back into old routines and is so unbelievably angry because none of it matters #do you think he listens to Jason talk about homework and his grades and his clubs and the colleges he wants to go to #and all he can think of is how unfair it is #that Jason never gets it. That everything about who he was got distorted and exaggerated and there was nothing left of this boy #that the love and blood and late nights never mean anything because this is a ghost walking the halls disproving all the legends #what is the prodigal son to do when he comes home but the locks have changed

[icewindandboringhorror]

reminders of the passage of time moodeboard

#my blog is in his last year of middle school. he'll be off to high school next year (at least I think so..? 13 yrs old is usually 8th grade #at least from my experience. 9th graders are usually 14. 10th are 15. etc. etc. and then you're in 12th grade #and graduate high school usually 17yrs old.) ANYWAY.. wow he is so ancient.. #maybe he's still in a preteeny early teen emo phase or something.. I hope he gets some black and white striped armwarmers and black eyeline #r for his birthday. Maybe an MP3 player of course. Though because I don't really like most alternative music and he is my son he's actually #not allowed to listen to metal or pop punk or emo rock whatever stuff. I open the mp3 player and pre-stock it with only #disco and funk and classical music. he can have a little chiptune or techno stuff as a treat (sometimes emo adjacent maybe more #scene. I think a lot of scene kids were into that more.. emo's weird eccentric brother)) #Also he starts taking iron pills his 13th birthday because he's probably incredibly anemic just like me #so on and so forth and et cetera (I'm just being silly.. I am not pro-controlling your children down to whatmusic they #listen to or etc.etc. lol) #THOUGH I love that it's in january... january is one of my favorite months if not my favorite. yeeaaay #just such a nice cool month. I like that it's the start of the year mostly and that it's sometimes snowy here. Like where I live nov - dec #isnt really actually snowy?? You always associate those winter Months with snow but I think snow happens later on this coast #so it's more like Jan - March or even april sometimes. Though that may just be climate change lol.. But it's cool that Jan is winter AND #ACTUALLY snowy. plus the Beginning Of Year vibes and energy.. hrm... nice nice.. ANYWAY #AND this is not even my first tumblr blog. I had a different one before it I think.. #evviilll to be on one website for so long lol.. Very thankful that most websites I used to use as a 10 year old or whatever #are now defunct. There's something weird about how humans are just creating endless streams of words and pictures and all of this stuff #and it just goes out into the void and stays there long after the person themselves has forgotten it. not even like 'oh no what if i said #something bad!!' but more just the general sense of.. people create so much more ideas than they can actually hold in their heads. nobody #remembers exactly word for word every post they've ever made or etc. It's like parts of yourself that you've externalized and then fade awa #from you but they're still you but they're not so you just have little snapshots of yourself in time floating around entirely unbenknownst #to you. like making clones of yourself and then forgetting you did so but every once in a while going 'shit... there's clones out there.. #of me and I don't even have track or awareness of them anymore.. what an odd concept..' etc. not EXACTLY like that ghbj..you know what I me #n.. or maybe you dont.. hrmm... ANYWAY #I am just now slightly recovering from my most recent mysterious illness spell and etc. so I would like to post more again and mAYBE even #do a costume if I'm being ambitious.. but after so many times of being randomly stricken by problems I'm now fearful of ever being too #hopeful lol.. always like 'I would like to go to the grocery store tomorrow! .... MAYBE.. if i CAN.. possibly... NOT getting my hopes up'. #etc. etc. etc. every statement has a caveat and a backup plan and so on and so forth and such is life.. anyway. happy birthday evil tumblr

[imabiscuitinthousandworlds]

crippling anxiety hours let's go

#a biscuit's rambles #theres a presentation due tomorrow we did Not prepare #and my partner is super anxious and the type to Need Perfect Grades #and she had a question and tried to call me several times and i saw too late and texted i was here now but then stupid whatsapp didnt tell #me when she called again so now i feel horrible #and honestly this presentation can go fuck itself i literally could not care less #im trying to do at least the tiniest minimum of Something for my friend but gosh. i do Not want to #just can't bloody get myself to do anything #doesn't help that i Know shell handle it because. she cant not without getting Way Too Stressed Out #i dont wanna leave her hanging with all the work like that but gosh im so tired #i just. cant. idk #on the bright side i did listen to a couple more tma episodes so thats something i suppose that was fun #........... i really need to do less stuff #i dont have a single free weekend for all of april and the beginning of may #goodbye emotional stability it was so nice to have known you even if for just a short while

[oreegaanoo]

Once again I am fueled by comments from my thesis supervisor and feel like I can actually do this thing hell YEAAAAHHHH

I CAN WRITE THIS THING!!! I CAN DO IT!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHH

#imagine a drawing of me going all feral that's me rn #I get so hyped every time I meet him even though all his comments are like “this is okay” and “what did you mean by this”-- #then followed up by discussions and improvement suggestions and I get so excited about writing it all suddenly #like!!! what is this!!!! #it's probably because I get to actually talk about my thesis and in detail with someone who understands it? probably? #most likely now that I think about it. I don't have a lot of friends who study the same thing so I can't talk about these things in depth #(but I'm also very happy to have those friends who don't understand but listen to my ramblings about it <3 ) #p #and also also like. I am about 45 pages into this thing. I am so far. I have wanted to just drop it for the past month or so but!! I'm so-- #--far!!! holy shit!!! that's amazing my guy!!! you're doing well!! just need the clean up and some clearer explanations and that's it #it's not going to be two more years of this it's going te 6 months MAX #most likely 4 months of work with 1-2 months after for the grading and checking process when i don't have to do shit #I only have this thesis; one essay that is 75% done; and one spanish course I'm taking end I'm done!!!! I will cry when that happens!!

[oatbugs]

idk how to live so im going to talk to myself out loud until i do

#listen. take a deep breath. i know your bpm is high but you need to think with me for a second. #remember that you are paper thin. all your facets are sheets of paper and what you gave her is just another one. #make a new one. you dont need it. you dont need her to see you. i know you think you need her but you will be okay. i know its hard. #you wish you could have shown her how you loved her. listen to yourself. you are made of paper. #she might be concrete or maybe wood or maybe gold. you need to start laying your roots elsewhere. shut that thought down #and blink and listen. the parts you keep thinking of arent lost. they still happened and they are yours to keep. #there is beauty in this loss. tell me about the beauty in this loss. its okay to think about it. you got to see it all and nothing more #and this is great because it would have been bad. you know it would be violent in a way you dont need. you know this to be true. #you are going to look at that empty space in her shape and youre going to fill it with everything that happened when you knew her. #the memories with her but then also the the way your friends talked you through it. the game with the clovers. #your first allergic reaction you almost died and you couldnt stop laughing and you were held so close to their hearts. #learning the names for all the floursecent gene tracking dyes that everyone else knows already. about the exam - listen again. #i know you think if you fail your life is over but you need to try your best. youre not going to get a good grade in a uni test for the fir #youre going to make up for it. youre going to make sure you make up for it. do you understand? i love you. you have to do this. #right now you need to sit up. breathe. i know your heart hurts. go to the living room. grab something to eat. i dont care if you feel full. #youre going to clean your mattress heater. youre going to study a bit longer and then youre going to sleep. youre going to tell your mother #im sorry and i might genuinely fail a test. shes going to tell you its okay. if you do badly in this course you can just become a neurosurg #just agree. dont argue right now. its okay. youre okay. you are paper thin. i know any puncture hurts. #breathe. think of your friends. think of their hands in yours. it isnt eternal.youve lived through worse. the empty sky is still beautiful. #the lack of her is still beautiful

[ectonurites]

SUPER DARK TIMES (2017) DIR. KEVIN PHILLIPS

#super dark times #zach taylor #allison bannister #sam edits #if you listen closely you can hear the sound of both mine and Allison's hearts breaking! <3 #ok but fr: i know this is gifs. so no sound. but the WAY he DELIVERS the 'you've got a bump on your head' line makes me NUTS #it's so soft. it's so fond. it's... it's a punch in the fucking gut. he likes her *so much* but he *can't let himself have this nice #thing with her* because he's *being eaten alive by guilt he can't accept & won't let himself be happy because of it* and SHE DOESN'T KNOW! #like the thing. the thing is. when you watch SDT you're along the ride with Zach and his POV of everything. despite the obvious paranoia #& guilt warping his perspective/influencing his behavior—we can see where that's all coming from. we understand the motivations #behind the actions he takes. but ALLISON? Allison has no fucking clue what's going on! from Allison's perspective... Zach is this guy she's #known for a while (like they make a point of *telling us* in one of the earliest scenes that Zach feels weird talking about her in the #detached way they may talk abt other people in their grade they barely know—because it's *different* since he and Josh *actually know her* #plus in the script [and it STILL COUNTS TO ME because she *starts* saying the line but just gets cut off by Dennis] Allison brings #up Zach & Josh having had a silly handshake since 7th grade ['oh god that used to make me pee!' <- girl why would u say that to him] #so it's like... these are kids who've known each other for years!) and he's got this obvious fucking crush on her (the hallway scene where #he is. blatantly staring and she catches him for a second) and the moment she decides to actually start pursuing him because SHE'S #got a crush on HIM too... he starts pulling away and acting erratic and sending her the most mixed signals in the fucking world. #and sheee THINKSSS ITS HERRR FAULT!!!!!!!! like. listen. this scene i giffed above? this is what she's fucking talking about later #when she jokes about not wanting to 'scare him off again'. like sure she says it like a joke but... uhm. i simply think there's #a certain amount of truth to it too—because he DID leave the party visibly freaked out! and i think it'd be perfectly believable for her #to think that it was at least partially HER pushing too hard that was causing him to withdraw/pull away from her. plus she blatantly says #she thinks she's the reason Josh & Zach are fighting. like. this poor girl is on the outskirts of a tragedy she'll probably NEVER know the #details of but she's seeing firsthand the impact it's having on Zach and... blaming herself... that's so fucking heartbreaking

[themidnightcircusshow]

Hi I went through your Catherine tag and found myself cracking up over the tags on this post, specifically these

#they probably loved or at least were fond of each other#(still soft over him sending lyre players to her)#but romance just doesn't seem to be in his nature

I don't know what's funnier. The idea that Hal has an absolutely deranged romantic nature where he's just, "babe I'm cold can I open your ribcage and snuggle in there please?" and "babe if I die, I want you to cannibalise me. At least a little bit." which is something he knows is deranged and would ever dare say to Catherine (he saves it for Courtenay). Or, the idea that he's just not romantic but he knows a good king is a good husband and goddamit he's going to nail this so it's like. an intense study session where he's reading all the courtly romances (getting into the debates about The Romance of the Rose and What Women Want) and Catherine just ends up being... totally bemused by his technically perfect display of courtly romance because no one actually does that, Hal, it's weird...

I feel like Hal would probably direct most of his unhinged energy at his family (if he'd been alive in the Victorian era he probably would have kept a locket of Mary's hair or something. And he brings "Can I die for you? Please let me die for you" energy to his brothers. And Henry, but Henry keeps playing. Love is asking your father to murder you). I kinda love the image of him treating Courtenay the same, but Courtenay is a normal human (he's not, they're just different levels) who keeps getting Concerned and Hal doesn't want Concerned he's just being a regular guy who behaves a regular way.

So instead he starts taking notes on How to Be a Normal Person In Love. And if he goes a bit over the top that's fine. Hey a lot of Courtly Love is about me dying for you can I die for you

#Henry V #listened to a podcast where they said Henry loved Catherine because That Is What Kings Do #Hal is getting a good grade in King something that is both normal and possible to achieve #(this was the same podcast that said Henry died young because robots weren't built to last) #I'm just saying dying protecting Humphrey at Agincourt is what he would have wanted #Also sometimes I feel like Catherine was his Courtly Love ideal except in Courtly Love you never get the girl #so once he got her he was at a complete loss as to what to do next

[ikishima]

.

#the amount of compassion you have to pour directly into a bad-faith asshole's mouth without knowing whether there's even a point #in order to get them to the point where they're willing to engage at a level where they actually take your feelings & words into account #the point where they even start hearing you and seeing you as a potential equal in conversation #the point where learning and growing becomes a possibility #is fucking exhausting. and i understand why a lot of people refuse to do it. i understand why some people dont practice what they preach #because sometimes the congregation in question is just there to throw tomatoes without any intent of listening #but idc! idc! im not gonna let a bunch of assholes close my heart off. id rather be naive but kind and get taken advantage of #if the alternative is leaving people behind or making a single person feel the way i have felt #having good intentions but being unable to express it w/o negative emotion or without the correct words or not being given a fighting chanc #to never be seen as a person or heard or listened to is so hurtful #i never want to do that to someone #and if i have parted ways with you or made you feel like that at any point please know it is only when i have no other options left #i know it's an autism thing to be so utterly gutted at being misunderstood and i'm most likely giving energy to people who don't deserve it #but i dont care! i dont care! #my compassion IS a renewable resource because i keep feeding it hope and humanity #i get mad sometimes but please know every angry word i've ever said has stuck on my mind like a glue trap #i remember every fight i have been slightly too aggressive and potentially awful in since the fifth grade and i continue to ruminate #on harm i have caused however big or small #i feel so surrounded by hate and anger and i just want to be that person who doesnt get caught up in it and can be compassionate no matter #lots to think about today ... #x

[nazumichi]

not exaggerating not blowing the situation out of proportion prommy but I think I’d rather do literally anything else before that chemistry group project. put me in the furnace or something. mountain. exam?? ?

#raii talks a lot #Please anything else. I made. Like a list of things that the group needs to do. and it’s stuff I need to do/stuff I need to make them do #And ik they’re not gonna care or listen to me. Even though I’m the group leader because no one else gave a shit and this is a big grade #like sorry for being a loser guys sorry for being a nerd but boy howdy we should do this thang huh. Pass this class. You sophomore shits #very close to asking my prof if i can get out of doing this. because I leave this year and they obviously dont #And I have ap tests and a sat which they also don’t have and god id take a full exam over this at this point #There’s just so much to do and so many things I want to prioritize and I’m so ashamed to ask my prof that because I like him and what if he #says no that would be mortifying. coping by making lists and trying to work ahead and reading mk which doesn’t help chem-wise #but it does make me feel less like passing out in agony. like woah i love this book I love this guy!!! I’m going to attack classmates #I loooove complaining I love this book I love kicking people and raging

[oflgtfol]

he was only nineteen???? he should've been at the clubbbb

#guess what musical ive been relistening to . #but the musical is very hard to get plot beats out of cuz theres so many story gaps between the songs. hence why im here #even though this is the book's wiki page. and im pretty sure the musical and the book differ a lot. but still. #brot posts #music #back in middle school when i was in my musical phase (phantom/monte cristo/jekyll and hyde/etc) #and also just old literature in general phase (divine comedy/paradise lost/etc) #i really wanted to try to read the source material #but like. i was in 7th grade. i had no fucking idea what the hell was going on #i tried so hard to read paradise lost LMAOOOOO #like girlie pops you are 11 you havent even read shakespeare in class yet #so after i gave up on paradise lost i gave up on reading everything else as well. #although i do think i tried to do phantom at one point in middle school but also barely got through it #and then i tried it again in high school and only barely got a little furhter #though the high school time was just cuz i didnt have the patience #so yknow sitting here its very easy to say i would love to read the count of monte cristo instead of listen to the musical #but will i actually read it? probably not #god looking at the wikisoruce for it. its long as fuckkkkkkk man im not reading this LOL #ive read jekyll and hyde but thats because it was pretty short so the patience aspect wasnt a problem #so j&h is the only musical-based-on-1800s-literature that ive actually read the source material for. <3

[coffee-bat]

did i mention my brain is huge btw

#on monday i got an A in physical chemistry😎 #which is definately something because i was neer taught the basics of chemistry so im generally shit at it. #*never not neer #i've had like 4 different chem courses in uni so far (different types like organic/inorganic/physical/biochemistry)- #-and i've been in a blind panic through all of them. #so i consider getting an A from any of them like. an achievement lol #ramble #also funny thing: #usually i study with instrumental music (specifically a few tracks from the crash4 ost) on loop #bc talking distracts me #but this time i studied listening to the 10 hour h*p bad essay and i think it vastly improved both my study experience and my grade💀💀somehow #thank you lily simpson

[nixotinix]

Next up on the redesign list, of course you can't have Holt Hyde without,,,

Jackson Jekyll!

He's my little scrunklie ok. Just like many other fanons, I choose to make him just a lil feral. I'd also love to lean into his whole "mad scientist" element a little bit more. He has rats in his coat pockets source me he's petting them

#hee ho ha ho im a funny lil art man #monster high redesign #monster high #jackson jekyll #jackson jekyll monster high #he is MY comfort character and I get to project onto him as much as i want #little hc that Holt calls him 'jax' #because thats cool yknow #saw someone somewhere mention that jackson can canonically listen to polka music without switching to holt #which means he can listen to weird al #so i put him in a big ol coat from that thrift shop down the road #i subdued his colours a little bit as well because i wasnt a huge fan of the highlighter yellow #so i faded out his frosted tips and made his button up a paler yellow because i can #also the spikes on his shoes are solely for kicking people's shins #:) #to my 7th grade english teacher who made us read jekyll and hyde: you have created a monster

[bestworstcase]

do you think there's anything to be implied about the quality of rwby's writing and framing in light of how much of the audience misinterprets salem/oz and the role of the gods? i see so many people reading the lost fable as a straightforward condemnation of salem and ozma as a pretty basic tragic hero that it makes me nervous about the future of the show and that IM reading too much into things when i see more nuance in salem. are that many people really that shallow when engaging with rwby? idk

nah people are—well tbh i think what it comes down to mainly is that fandom is not really centered around critical analysis, it’s centered on transformative engagement, and while these are by no means mutually exclusive endeavors they are in fact. Different. analytical vs transformative approaches to the text are different endeavors with different goals requiring different skillsets and can but do not inherently overlap. frankly in fandom spaces i think real textual analysis is not just ancillary but actively discouraged; nobody is quicker to respond to analytical discussions with “it’s not that deep” than a fan who doesn’t like the discussion and there is a noticeable tendency in fandom spaces for any analysis that isn’t 100% ebullient to be read as negativity or critical—e.g. note the frequency with which my reading of ozma is interpreted as character bashing—which isn’t to say that fandoms do not engage analytically at all, but in broad terms there is something of an unspoken… chilliness toward textual analysis in fandom culture. and i am saying this from the perspective of having written a lot of textual analysis and a lot of fanfiction across different fandoms; there is A Pattern. you write a detailed analytical breakdown of your reading of a character and see people tagging it fandom negativity while gushing about the detailed character study you wrote based on that same reading enough times and you start to pick up on the fact that maybe fandoms are not really built for analytical engagement. there is also the whole thing where fandom has an entire category of headcanon predicated on “this thing happened in the text but i don’t like it so no it didn’t” and a second entire category predicated on “this has no basis and is possibly out of character but i like it so happened actually” lmao [TO BE CLEAR THIS IS NOT A VALUE JUDGMENT I HAVE NONSENSE HEADCANONS ALSO ITS FINE.]

anyway this is all fine but! because fandoms devote the bulk of their collective energy into pouring out vast endless streams of like, fanfic and fanart and headcanon and “ship dynamics” [i still do not quite understand what these are] and incorrect quote mills and so forth you tend to get a sort of collective flattening of the text. there is a tendency for characters to be stripped down and reduced to small easily-manageable sets of tropes derived more from aesthetics and first impressions and for any moral complexity to be boiled down to simple black and white and for unique worldbuilding to be smudged a bit until it resembles its nearest recognizable trope. there is a sort of creative entropy. a smooth surface is easier to write on. also sometimes fans do not Obsessively Rewatch The Show four times in the space of a year and over time details get memetically blurred and this, obviously, is detrimental to the overall fidelity-to-canon of popular fanon.

and then like the thing to remember about rwby is it’s a very detail-oriented story, and one that respects its audience. the one downside of that storytelling approach is that fandom is uniquely ill-equipped for it (think about how many people Completely Missed that ironwood was on the express train to fascism land in V4-5 even though. the narrative made it like. hilariously obvious)

In Summary i lived through the fandom where the protagonist after two years of increasingly toxic behavior towards her bestie, charbroiled her friend’s arm into a shriveled blackened husk and not only did not apologize but had a whole episode about being mad at the friend for being upset and then 95% of the fandom was shocked when the friend went “fuck you” and stole the magical artifact whose power was involved in the charbroiling incident all of four episodes later; and almost two years later half the remaining is still Discoursing about how the friend “didn’t have a reason” for betraying the protagonist. tts was a show written with small children in mind. i have witnessed Actual Forty Year Olds insisting that this character’s betrayal was petty and childish. rwby is a lot more tightly-written and nuanced and not a disney princess cartoon and while it does benefit from its fandom not being mostly Disney People the fandom is still. A Fandom. doing what fandoms… do.

#i really cannot emphasize enough that the salem nonsense is not ANYWHERE EVEN CLOSE TO the level of the cassandra tts nonsense #like every single episode that is About Cassandra is about rapunzel being an egregiously bad friend #(cause tts went ‘this girl grew up abused in a tower and has negative social skills’ god bless) #and the charbroiling happens because rapunzel uses a Known Dangerous Uncontrollable spell that cass begs her not to use #goes into a trance repeating it and cass grabs her to snap her out of it #and then like two episodes later is like i’m mad at you bc i had it under control and you wouldn’t have gotten hurt if you listened to me #and people are still like ‘how dare this petty egotistical selfish bitch be angry at rapunzel’ lmfao #like at least with salem she’s The Villain yk #not the deuteragonist who gets two seasons of being relentlessly mistreated by her friends and permanently disabled before finally snapping #anyway yeah as a Collective fandoms don’t engage beyond the level of like grade school analysis you get on TVTropes #i.e recognition of common tropes and genre conventions #the rwby fandom is honestly ahead of the curve for having a widespread grasp of what deconstruction is #but it’s still not. great #ironwood is the measuring stick to use here

[narutomaki]

people will tell me it doesn't matter what people think about me and then turn around and go home/online to the people that love and care about them unconditionally

#bro have you ever even been kicked out of you house at 8. 13. 14. 15. because you either fought back or expressed yourself too openly #and ur mum was just in a bad mood that day? have you never been abandoned on the side of the road half way across town? #have you never had anything on the floor or our of place on your desk or shelf thrown out because it pissed her off? #have you never been ostracized every day at school from KINDERGARDEN TO GRADE 5? have you never had someone you thoight #was a close friend laugh in your face for talking to them on front on their other firneds? #like dude. it matters a lot what other people think about me. that it comes off like i dont is not a fucking compliment for me 😭 #UNFORCH. AND I STILL CONSIDER MYSELF LUCKY. :) COULD HABE BEEN WORSE!!!! XOXO #i dont care what people think about something indo until someoen goes wow i love how you do x like no ones looking #and then i will never do x again ever even in the privacy of my own bedroom 2 years removed from my mother being alive. #like. idk man. #i had people that did not like children OR ME ON A PERSONAL LEVEL telling my mother to be nicer to me. #its. idk man idk how to explain that its engrained in my fucking dna and idk hownto escapenit. #sad. oh well #vent #neg #like. dude i have had people drop me for being too interested in their lived and for not being interested enough. #i have in fact been locked out of the house at night b4 without a key and only been let back in bcus the neighbours called the cops. lol. #lmao. lmfao. even. like idk! idk!! #if i was quiet if i was good if i sat and listened to her and asked the right questions and provided myself as the pwrson she wanted #me to be thst day than i didnt get ostrasized! i wish i had had. any adult. growing up. thst i felt unconditional love and safety from #id say thst person was my grandmother. and it was. she just wasnt there for me in practice? idk man. maybe #she just didnt want me in the house w my grandfather. maybe she just didnt want the family stress that would come #from taking me from my mother. but regardless. she died before i turned 16. so. doesnt matterm #death m #abuse m #oh man we are spiralling oopsm

[frightgothcar]

looking at him isnt enough i want him to fall asleep on my chest 

#like the kind of sleep where youve been working outside all day and when you come in the door its like stepping into winter and youre too #damn tired to even shower and you get your muddy shoes off and maybe your pants too if youre lucky and just collapse on the bed and its #still too damn hot to cuddle but the fan starts blowing and the surface of your skin is growing icicles and hes kinda wrapped around you and #you can hear his breathing go steady and youre so fucking exausted but a little bit of light is coming through the window just enough so you #can see his face and youre like wow. and the next day when you wake up you get to kiss him on the forehead and massage his sore muscles and #go back out to work except the hard part is over and you just have to clean and at the height of the day you go back inside to rest because #the sun is brutal and you drink iced tea and listen to him talk about something he loves #while laying your head down on the table like its fourth grade and you just stayed up late for the first time and you go out in the evening #just to wrap things up and its still warm but not hot and the insects and frogs are singing and the air smells fresh and alive and you #watch him play with his cat who isnt allowed outside usually but shes on a little expadition and its just so adorable and once the mosquitos #start biting you go inside and shower and spend the evening in bed talking about your plans and what youll do next and its just a lovely m #moment #maybe you listen to music on a low volume while you fall asleep and you think about how the other night made you just that much more greatfu #for this one and that you have someone with you who wants to do both the literal/metaphorical long days of hard work under the hot sun and #chilling out just enjoying each others company