#bitch ass mathieu

[linaselandbasil]

Eldarya boys as roommates.

Nevra: Has a lot of stuff he doesn't want you to touch but they're literally everywhere, you will inevitably have to touch it to make way. He'll keep the house clean if he has a date coming over though, which happens every few days to every few weeks. He has a lot of expensive stuff, so he's watching you with concern when you walk by his antique table lamp he decided to put on a coffee table, or his handwoven Persian rug that was passed down from his late father to him, or the irreplaceable framed picture Karenn drew of them when she was 6. Also, Karenn. Shes at his place maybe every other day? She never stops talking but that's fine, at least Nevra isn't bothering you. He thinks he's mysterious and dark, but he's simply a goth chatter machine.

Ezarel: Always annoyed by something you just did because he was planning something and you ruined it. He'd need to be at the edge of death before he disrespects your boundaries. He could be literally bleeding out and he'd avoid going to your room and waking you up because that's rude. He makes messes but they absolutely cannot be cleaned up, otherwise he can't find what he needs. He brings his work home a lot, there's documents and alchemical formulae on the kitchen table because why not? Why shouldn't he read his research notes on fungi based aphrodisiacs while eating dinner? He often comes home with his fringe burned, legend says his hair is like that because he forgot to tie it up and something exploded.

Leiftan: Very polite, he did nothing wrong in his entire life, he's a literal angel... But he's never home and his cat is a bitch and you're gonna have to feed that thing pretty regularly. When he comes home the cat is also an angel, but the bite marks and the piss stains remain. All his clothes are white or grey so he's done for the week in one or two loads, he's great at cooking (for eldarya standards anyway) and he sweeps up his cats hair every time he sees it. He's great.

Lance: You'll probably never be his roommate because he always lives with his brother. He's never home, he's always up to some bullshit, he's got no job most of the time but he has money somehow? Probably from Valkyon. You'll never have to worry about burglars, he'll eat them whole. He leaves his big ass shoes everywhere and you'll probably trip on them. He's usually a tidy person but by the end of the day he just wants a nap. Also, this creature is simultaneously a night owl and an early bird. Does he even sleep? How is he so muscular? Did you know sleep is detrimental to muscule development? Hmmm? I've never seen him sleep.

Valkyon: He has so many drugs, you'd start praying that the cops never show up. He's also that one bitch who has expensive liquor out on the top of the shelf to let people know he has a problem but he still has taste. He's not home most of the time because he's out getting laid somewhere. He's never late with rent either, but the cash is always sticky. He hates it when people come over but he also hates not minding his business so he shuts up about it. It doesn't matter what he's having, it could be antidepressants, but he'll ask you if you want sum'. That's some brother behavior right there.

Mathieu: He's a gym bro and he always has his gym friends over and they're playing video games while you're trying to live life like a normal person but there's 4-6 shredded dudes and girls in your living room every weekend. He's a Kevin, sadly, but he means well. (Search stories about Kevin, you'll understand) He ran into Lance at the gym and now he smokes weed too so he smells like skunk every once in a while. He'll cook nice meals for you, which is nice unless he Kevins it up.

#eldarya #unhinged #lance eldarya #valkyon #eldarya leiftan #eldarya ezarel #nevra eldarya #mathieu eldarya #eldarya nevra #ezarel

[party-in-eldarya]

Playing ANE ep 9 p1

We woke up in Infirmary. If you read the summary of last ep you can change your LI, Nice .

Probable reason- Mathieu running away and breaking the connection? BTW, last episode was not enjoyed by me, but Erika’s powers were used and useful. Credit when its due.

My gods, the writers are really stretching those lines. Erika keeps on telling how anxious she is for her (missing) friends, how worried she is for them and how physically ill she feels when thinking about it. Couple times, in almost same words. Maana flows. I might be forced to buy myself another outfit in this promotion. 

I do hope it’s just a translation but gosh, for a peaceful creature she is supposed to be, Erika is pretty flippant with humans dying (Edgar, those soldiers). 

Look. I really do not think that mentioning NAME of Mathieu’s sword at every possible moment adds... anything to the story. It’s just boring and pointless. Yes, we were given the chance to name our sword. I do not remember what I called it, nor do I care. This is a really unimportant detail and no idea why they keep on mentioning that in ANE everyone has name for a weapon. It’s not a Bleach.

Erika is having... some kind of hysterical fit. I think? She sees her friends anxious of her well being, and she bursts into tears and laugh. I guess... it could be a good scene? But I dont feel it, it’s like I was reading a story written by alliens who heard about humans emotions, but never felt any. Could be google translation tho. CLICKING FURIOUSLY because CRINGE is real here. 

That pest, my familiar costs me 8 maana. Erika hugs him and: 

Same. Same.

(Karuto avoids looking at my /Erika/ body) The game suggests that we are here on a display, half-naked for everyone to sit and glare at us: 

And honestly, wtf. Evelein tries to kick all of them out of hospital, but they refuse to do it, stay there and look at half naked Erika who is having a break down. At least throw some blanket on her. This is not a life saving moment, when you do not care for modesty (and even then, medics try to be as discreet as situation allows). I feel for Erika, she is violated in almost every moment. 

Erika is having a major break down. As far as I know she won’t/didn’t act similar when her bae (Nevra) is hurt, when her bae (Mathieu) is revealed to be a traitor, when her father turns to H*tler, or when Edgar died. She woke up once again in hospital and has hysterical fit. the hell?

HONEST QUESTION: did you enjoy this scene? Is it only me? 

Anyway, then there is a nice scene of Karuto being adopted father of Erika and hugging her in a moment when she needs him, however with the rest of her “friends” watching, I feel like being on a cheap show. 

And daaaaamn, they really chop those sentences to squeeze out more euros from us. 

Huang Chu is fine btw. 

As for sentries...

Those sentries who according to Erika were dead? I knew she pull out that fact from her skinny ass. 

YOU ARE A HUMAN ERIKA.

Anyway, A CHOICE to improve friendship with Evie by thanking her. 

Karenn decides that she wants to talk to us first- because my friends are to take turns visiting us, and you know what? What a bitch. She KNOWS we are in love at this point, and she knows we try to confess, so it is obvious that there might be at least one person that we want to talk to first. And yet, and yet...

Rrrrromance. 

Because? Why not? They would laugh at you? Report you to teacher?

HEADCANON YOU MAY WAN TO SKIP TO ANOTHER PIC there is a part in my story where Imogene, my OC is held in hospital, and Ewelein is keeping everyone from visiting her (with more success than here). And after some time Leiftan decides that tonight he will see her, whether he has to break in, or not. So reading ^^^ in canon story I was gleeful :) weeeee END OF HEADCANON

But this is actually a rather nice thing in ANE, add it to “what ANE did well” list. It was interesting to wonder why the shield and connection broke, and to learn the reason next episode. No irony here, well done Beemoov. 

Erika for some reason tries to excuse him. Oh, but he is only a human, a young one .Ummm? So are you (YOU ARE A HUMAN ERIKA2). Huang Chu is young and is not a warrior, she was standing on a firing line and btw... what he has done almost costed you all lifes. This is a right moment to feel angry and disappointed, but I guess- it’s forgive everything era, right? 

The Guard think that Mathieu was possesed by that djin. 

What? He... Lemme repeat this:  what he has done almost costed you all lifes. If he run away because of fear (and we know he kinda did- out of fear of being outed as spy) he could feel guilty af. Erika was almost killed, if she wasn’t Ophelia’s dummy, she would be  pushing up daisies. 

And that awkard phrases... Huang Chu managed to defend herself. until all of them came to her side.. How? They were using machine guns. Was Huang Chu doing Matrix?

Blabla bla. Maana is changed. portals work like they never worked before. Everything is possible now. How nice for a lazy writer. No rules because everything is possible now. Players complain it is against a lore? EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE NOW. 

I bet they are. You are the dumbest character in ANE, and they made you a leader of branch. Erika is the 2nd dumb one, and they almost made her a part of LIGHT GUARD. The leader of your organisation leaves and never uses any sort of communication. You are like dodo, you survived only in a v secure, srificial and isolated enviroment. 

but we have something even more powerful, Chrome!!!!

What do you mean, Erika? 

FRIENDSHIP! (it didnt happen btw)

blah blah blah, empty phrazes used to waste our maana. there are no ideas, plans behind them, because how can there be any? Erika is not known for her military knowledge but let’s pretend she is a STRONG WOMAN

Oooh, so she is doing something that causes her and Zifu to die later in game? mmkay. Ewelein, dont give me that face, your eyes are uneven and I can judge your girlfriend however I want. You looked better in TO, btw, and your shoes are STUPID. 

Well, I never. 

HH is our friend, we miss her, we should never blame her because she works so hard. 

Erika is having another dream. It’s written well, she woke up and: 

He is here. WEEEEEEEEEEEE. 

And it was such a sweet scene. I dont know why it lasted only for 10 maanas, but for some reason Erika had to focus on how long she was sleeping. Because we cannot have nice things for longer than 10 maanas. 

You smart, suspicious hot bastard, you! you know a traitor when you meet one, right?

Sadly, it is followed by “I trust HH and I am sure she will think of the plan”. Why? Why such sudden trust in person you hated? Why he is not thinking about plan himself? Beemoov, Leiftan was smart. He was a leader, a 2nd in command. Why made him a puppet, following orders of his enemy?

I am a bit upset, as much as ANE can upset me. This conversation shows how much Leiftans changed in ANE. Dont worry, rest, everything will be fine, trust in HH and let her do her magic, you are a chosen one. He talks to Erika like he was her father, he even says “take example from your familiar, it is sleeping”. 

You know, when I was young I had to wear glasses, and my father made glasses out of paperclip for my teddy bear. It was sweet, but it has same vibes. 

Rrrrrrromance. 

And it is sad, because they gave me those 10 maana worth of really nice dialogue with him. 

Erika is sorting her thoughts, but nothing new is learnt. One of the problem of ANE is that everything is repeated, at least twice. 

CHOICE:

we could be happy that our friends visited us (karuto and Jamon, that was nice)

we could feel biter that our HH didnt come and see us (fat chance Beeemoov)

we could think how spending that 10 maana with Leiftan was worth it. 

Another choice: 

following 

following

Niiice, is that a bug? wth wth?

Erika was healing the old fashioned way because Guards are stingy on healing potions for their HERO, but the moment HH wants to talk to Erika, Ewelein decides to use one. Ewelein, you are a tool and your shoes are stupid. 

Ewie is... another person who changed a lot. So she heals Erika, says that HH wants to see her at council room, ask her to eath breakfast and... leaves. She never stays and talk to us, like a friend. She is a medic, there are no other injured right now. She could have spared some time with us, but I guess we are no close anymore? 

The clothes that we bought last episode are damaged, but no one brought her new one. I remember when Miiko gave us our first set. When fenghuangs prepared clothes for us if we were well liked. Here no one cares if we will walk in rags, no one even cared to brought some clean ones from our room. Sad. No one reall cares for Erika as a person, except maybe Karuto and Jamon. 

I will leave you here, just as we leave the infirmary. 

This part has some good moments.... the dream sequence, the night meeting with Leiftan. 

#Playing ANE what a joy #will edit it later

[mclzandaya]

also, i've said it again and again, i just KNOW that mathieu is a damn traitor and i'll die on this hill until proven wrong. that bitch is with them i just want to be told i'm right already!!!!!!! homeboy can fight against kitsunes but turns around as soon as he sees a few humans bc he's scared while endangering everyone else? yea, RIGHT! more like he doesn't want to fight his buddies, ughhh

#just tell me im right already #i cant pretend i dont hate him anymore #just KILL HIM #traitor mathieu #bitch ass mathieu #eldarya mathieu #eldarya episode 12 #eldarya episode 12 spoilers #eldarya a new era #eldarya new era #eldarya a new era episode 12 #eldarya new era episode 12 #eldarya ane #eldarya ane mathieu #eldarya ane episode 12

[cassialupin]

I know...I know...not another bitch fest about Eldarya, but hear me out...

This is how I want the direction of A New Era to turn out because I am mega selfish and bitter:

PSA...don't read if you don't want to be spolied of the end of Origins and A New Era.

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You see those very tired and emotionally hardened individuals in my last post: Nevra and Leiftan. We're gonna ignore naive Mathieu for a minute...

In order to investigate the human structures and items appearing in Eldarya, Erika (the main character and I'm too lazy to type out Guardian or Main Character, or my long ass name that I had to choose because Trinity was already taken, etc...) will be a part of a team that goes on a journey that is two-fold: find out whatever they can about the human appearances and why the Island of Memoria is missing. (because in my mind, they are definitely connected)

In the early part of the journey, word travels fast about the awakening of the heroes: Leiftan and Erika. This brings curiousity to Erika...had word spread far enough to Ezarel? This begins to motivate Erika to convince Leiftan and Nevra that they need to find him to help them "get back to their roots" and find Memoria first, along with Valkyon. Mathieu decides to join along as he also wants to know why there is more human sturctures and probably people in Eldarya.

Let's be honest, if Leiftan and Erika were brought back and the balance of Eldarya is messed up, then I firmly believe that Valkyon is around with the missing island...and I believe...wild theory here...the island of Memoria is on Earth...there was a trade of sorts with whoever is scheming this.

Nevra is pissed off with Ezarel for running away again and isn't sure about finding him. He tries to talk Erika out of finding him. "He'd be back by now since word travels fast." This infuriates Erika, since her love was so strong between her and Ezarel, so she ramps up her motivation to find him.

Okay, to add drama, because I live for it...

The reason why Ezarel has not come back is because he, Mary-Anne, and Twylda are the ones behind all of this unbalance. WHAT?! Yes...Ezarel was always guilty about what happened to Mary-Anne and now he was especially carrying guilt about what happened to Erika. He lost two human loves that he tried to help and failed miserably. In his efforts to run away from his problems, he ended up creating new ones. He wanted to do right by Mary-Anne and help her return to Earth finally. This involved big magic but knowing Ezarel's determination, he was going to "right his wrongs."

The magic wasn't intended to bring back Leiftan and Erika, just to send Mary-Anne home. His blunder caused a rift, which sent the Island of Memoria to Earth to "balance" Earth and brought a part of Earth to Eldarya. What he also didn't anticipate was the Oracle (now a reborn little girl) bringing back Leiftan and Erika, which he didn't know about but thought he did that himself.

He didn't want to go back because he knows he let Erika and his friends down. The unbalance of Eldarya has made him public enemy #1 this time, but no one knows it yet...except for Mary-Anne and Twylda...Twylda guilt-ridden from the past of losing her son (to Mary-Anne...seriously, the writers have balls for putting those two together in the end), doesn't want to see more bloodshed due to the unbalance, so she runs away from Ezarel and Mary-Anne to find Erika and tell her what Ezarel accidentally did.

Erika, Nevra, and Leiftan are traveling far beyond the borders of HQ and run into someone they would never expect to see again...Twylda. Erika expresses pure joy to see her again and begins questioning her about Ezarel, but Twylda can't bring herself to burst Erika's positive bubble about finding him again. Leiftan and Nevra can sense this, so they manage to question her alone.

"She mustn't find out what he did," Twylda whispered.

"Let me guess, that idiot caused all of this mess," Nevra sighed.

"I think she would be okay with what happened," Leiftan replied.

"Uh, did that 7 year nap erase the sense in your brain? Until we find out what has all happened because of his guilt and stupidity, especially what happened to Memoria Island with Valkyon's spirit in it, she cannot know it was Ezarel did. That would just crush her," Nevra explained.

Leiftan always had a blind eye when it came to Erika and her feelings but this time, he knew Nevra was right.

And where's Mathieu in all of this?

He had fallen hard for Erika, the Aengelic Heroine, and in developing these strong feelings for her, he had overheard Nevra, Leiftan, and Twylda talking about Ezarel, the man of Erika's life. This infuriates Mathieu to the point of jealously and wishes to get rid of the very man that has caused Erika all this pain by leaving her side. He knows that Ezarel left when Erika was stuck in the Crystal but his clouded mind didn't care about that...he should have stuck around for her sake, whether or not she came back, he should have never left her. Mathieu's determination causes him to go off alone in search of finding and ending Ezarel.

Unknown of Mathieu's plans, the three (Leiftan, Nevra, and Erika) have to go off plan and try to find him. This leads them to find more and more clues of the humans here.

At this point, I'm stuck on where to go but I just wanted to get this all written down. I just want Ezarel back. lol

#eldarya a new era #eldarya #ezarel #eldarya nevra #leiftan #valkyon #eldarya origins #eldarya oracle #i'm obsessed #send help

[hurlumerlu]

If you have any, spare me some Ewilan headcanon sir pretty please ?

Fret no more, young lass, here’s a collection of random Ewilan headcanons that I’m ridiculously attached to !

Okay the first one and most important is that Destan, Ellana and Edwin’s son, is gay as fuck, and so is Nawel from Les Âmes croisées, and when they meet they have instant gay/lesbian recognition and become absolute best friends who kick ass together. (there’s just… no way Nawel is straight. that girl is brimming with young butch energy)

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s see…

Ewilan becomes a teacher. She’s not a very good one because she’s impatient and often doesn’t know how to explain things that are obvious to her, but her 0 tolerance for bullying, her complete lack of fucks regarding rules, guidelines and Gwendalavir’s entire cast system and the simple but honnest way she praises a student if she feels they made progress have given her quite the reputation. (“she’s a bitch”, say some. “she’s the best”, say others)

But do you know who has even more of a reputation than her ? Salim. “Is that Professor Ewilan’s husband ?” “Sooooo handsome.” “Soooo charming.” “Soooo mysterious.” “I hear that he has Marchombre friends.” “I hear that he comes from the other world.” “I hear that he can turn into a giant wolf.” “Yeah, right !” “Well Lycie told me…” “Lycie the biggest liar to ever… shhh he’s looking at us !” “omg he smiled !!!” “He’s so elegant, like a dancer.” Salim is completely oblivious. Ewilan is mortified.

Speaking of mortification : Ewilan and Salim are the most embarrassing parents, ever. For starter, they keep giving each other little kisses and calling each other pet names and other parents don’t do that, it’s weird. Ewilan has gone from horribly lonely kid to “mayday, mayday, how do I show affection to this little human ????” which has then translated into keeping every little gift Eryn gave her and proudly displaying them everywhere around the house, and I made this drawing when I was three, Mom, can we please get it off the fantasy fridge ? As for Salim, he isn’t even human anymore, he’s just a sentient hurricane of Dad Jokes. And all of Eryn’s friends are developping crushes on them ! It’s all very… ugh.

Also sometimes I entertain the bittersweet headcanon that Ewilan and Salim have another daughter, and they love her as intensely (and embarrasingly) as Eryn, but she’s just a normal kid, with pretty mediocre powers and no particular athletic or academic talents, and she knows her parents love her, and that Eryn sees her as the most important person in the world, but it’s hard, sometimes, being the normal one, the not-special one, the girl without all the gifts. (thankfully uncle Bjorn understands, or at least more than the other adults)

Oh, and as I implied before, Ewilan and Salim got married (Ewilan because she wanted Salim to have an official safety net in case something happened to her, Salim because he’s been dreaming of saying “I do” since the first time Ewilan kissed him). It was the quietest ceremony they could organise and only their closest friends were there. Bjorn cried. Mathieu cried. Master Duom cried. Edwin cried discretely. Ellana’s eyes got wet. Siam was bored out of her mind. Liven spiked the punch. Later that night, after they put Eryn to bed, all the lights in their house just snuffed out, and as Ewilan was about to unleash her powers, she saw them : rows and rows of Marchombres, standing silently in the shadows, nodding, and then leaving.

“I wouldn’t have thought Marchombres cared for those kind of social niceties”, she said when the last one disappeared. “They weren’t here as Marchombres, they were here as friends.” Answered Salim, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. She’s known him for so long, but he still manages to surprise her.

#ewilan #long post #la quête d'ewilan

[matresvindictae-a]

🌖

He was cautious- he was always cautious. Paranoid. Nothing changed that he had watched everyone around him like a hawk- waiting to see if they were a threat or not. But one could not foresee everything- and one could not prepare for- so when Mathieu had begun to wake to the feeling of someone pressing themselves into his back- his first reaction had immediately been to start pawing under his pillow for the spare knife he kept there. A simple pocket knife- one that would have been easy to flip open and sink into the stranger’s side as his fingers wrapped around the cool hilt. Had this been Continental Grounds- Mathieu would have felt secure enough to leave the knife with his other weapons; but this was simply a random motel off the side of the road- near a rest stop.

He wasn’t sure how the stranger had gotten into his room- had he left the door unlocked by mistake? He wasn’t normally so careless but…he had fallen asleep the moment he had sat down on the bed. He could have forgotten to double check. There was also the possibility that they had picked their way into his room- but he couldn’t think of why. Cuddling up to someone was a strange thing to do if you were planning to kill them.

Mathieu turned over immediately, glaring down at whoever had decided to try and share his bed with him, knife raised. Then he saw the blond hair- and a little of their figure and saw it was a woman. For a brief moment, he had thought it was Maria- and that he had simply been acting on instinct. But soon harsh reality set in- Mathieu having to picture Maria’s grave to prove to himself there was no possibility this woman was her. Instead however he stabbed the knife down into the pillow beside her head- easily cutting through it and hard enough to wake her. 

 “Out.” He growled

#roipirate #v:modern #[[Mathieu is a paranoid bitch i am sorry]] #[[hes such an ass]] #[[but elizabeth kind of looks like maria to him so like]] #[[he's not gonna stab her face]] #[[hopefully]] #[[feel free to make this into a thread if you want!]]

[artificialqueens]

You won a seven nights stay in Paris (Brooke x Vanessa) - Evelyn Bubbles

Howdy y’all it’s me your girl Evelyn, resurfacing of course when another season starts. As always I gotta come up with some ship, so here’s my BrookexVanessa, I have no idea how to call it though. Branjielina? Probably. This is based in canon, I’m gonna use female pronouns and drag names so there’s no confusion. Enjoy! You remember Vanjie being over excited about Brooke Lynn winning the Paris vacation? Well, they went together. And things got complicated.

The problem with winning something it’s always hoping to collect the prize alone, in peace. Especially if that particular prize is really huge. After her best friend had told her he couldn’t come since it was his wedding anniversary, Brooke Lynn Hytes, 32, carefully texted the season eleven groupchat. She wanted to have fun, but also see the monuments, museums, landmarks. Come on, it was Paris after all. Paris. One of her favorite cities. She had been there in the past with her ballet company, but she hadn’t had the time to really see that beautiful place. She was hoping for someone interesting, curious, cheerful, to answer her desperate “Hey, anyone wanna go to Paris?”. Of course Silky was the first one to answer: “Mama’s too booked, sis”. Then a couple of others. A’keria was getting ready for what probably was one of her last pageants. Nina was about to host a new charity event. Plastique probably couldn’t even read. Brooke Lynn was about to turn off the phone and go to Paris all alone, when Vanessa texted her privately.

-Saw the episode? Remember that I was the one who wanted to come with u! -I remember love xx -Then it’s settled. Fully cancelling all my gigs. When is it -After my bday -Like I know when that is, girl -March 10th lol -Cool love that. We’ll get those French cookies sis -I’ll send you the details right now then :) -Can’t wait!!

And then, a profusion of kisses emojis and many many red hearts. Brooke couldn’t believe she had just accepted to go on a 8 days trip in Paris with notoriously batshit crazy Vanessa Vanjie Mateo. She was fun to have around, for sure, and she was also one of her closest friends after the competition, but they’d never travelled together. Although skeptical at first, Brooke smiled. It could’ve been fun.

////

This is gonna be a big mess, Brooke thought as soon as Vanessa started running towards her at the JFK airport, New York City. She practically jumped at her neck, showering her with affection. “So nice to see you again girl! I’ve missed your face! You look amazing, these first weeks of fame have done a body good”, she said, tapping on her arm. “Thank you Vanjie. You look fantastic as well”, commented Brooke smiling wide. She loved Vanessa dearly, but she was dragging along what seemed like an entire wardrobe packed into one giant, plus a handbag and a sparkly backpack. Brooke felt all the eyes on them as Vanessa started chatting loudly, catching the attention of a group of girls who eyed them and pointed at them giggling. They’re fans of the show, maybe, Brooke guessed, or maybe they’re just laughing at a loud obnoxious gay couple at the airport ready for their honeymoon. Except for the fact that Vanessa and her weren’t a couple, nor on their honeymoon: they were sharing a price won at a transvestism competition. The usual.

////

On the plane, everything went… not as planned. Vanessa didn’t say a word for the whole flight, pleasantly surprising Brooke who was expecting eight hours of non-stop blabbing. Instead, Vanessa fell asleep right away, AirPods in, head propped on a tiny pillow and her soft lips semi-open. Brooke couldn’t help but smile, adjusting herself on the seat and turning on her classical music playlist that she used to listen before bed. The last thing she remembered was the Carmen overture playing, and Vanessa’s sleepy face turning gently towards her. She woke up when the plane landed pretty roughly, shaking both of them in their seats. Vanessa was candidly sleeping with her head resting on Brooke’s shoulder, nuzzled into her neck. “What the fuck was that…!”, Vanessa said, suddenly nervous, that surely want the best wake up call, “A turbulence?”. “You… own… everything…!”, Brooke joked, and Vanessa punched her on the shoulder, “You’re so stupid girl! No but seriously, have we landed like… that was quick!”. “Only because you slept all the way through”. “I needed some rest okay? Making coins every night is hard as shit you know that!”. “I do Vanjielina, I do. Let’s grab our stuff and get the fuck outta here, my legs hurt”.

////

“What do y’all mean with ‘My suitcase is still in America?!”. “Yeah, so sorry Mr. Cancel… apparently your suitcase wasn’t embarked… they’ll be delivered to your hotel as soon as possible, unfortunately that won’t be possible until… let me check… four days from now, we’re going through a strike, again, and we won’t have incoming flights for a bit”. “What will I do then? I have no clothes, no shoes, no nothing!”, Vanessa groaned in stress. “Listen, I know this situation sucks, but I’ll be more than happy to lend you my clothes. Also, don’t you have your toothbrush and stuff in your handbag and backpack? You’re gonna survive just fine. And don’t you wanna go do some shopping? We could find some really cute stuff for you to wear these days”. Vanessa looked at Brooke with puppy dog eyes. “Thank you sis… I really need some positivity right now or I’ll have a nervous breakdown”. “It’s nothing Vanjielina. Now let’s give them the b&b address and we can get the fuck outta here. We’re in Paris and I haven’t seen the city yet!”. “You’re right”, said Vanessa smiling as usual, “I’m tired of this shit. Let’s go”.

////

The bus from Orly to their b&b in the luxurious XVI arrondisement took forever, but as soon as they arrived they were blown away. The classical Parisian house, just behind the Trocadero, with its characteristical blue roof, round windows and narrow appearance was stunning in the daylight, and its white curtains masked the surely elegant interior from unwanted stares. “On here it says that the owner is a certain Mathieu Pepin…”, Brooke said consulting her receipt on her mail app. “Let’s wake up this motherfucker”. “Wait, Vanjie…”. Too late, Vanessa was already torturing the intercom: “Hello, hi? Someone there? We’re here!”. “Vanessa!”. “What? I wanna go explore!”. “Yeah, but we shouldn’t…”. “Oh my God! I can’t believe it!”. Brooke and Vanessa turnt around, only to face an overenthusiastic blonde guy with curly hair and a light beard all over his chin and jawline. “Miss Vanjie and Brooke Lynn Hytes, in my apartment…! This is a dream come true”. “Oh, hi, I’m Brock, nice to meet you, but you can obviously call me Brooke as you know us from the show”. “Of course I know you two! I’m so happy to have you here, I’d guide you inside personally but I have quite a few things to do. It’s not hard though, the last floor is all yours. Here’s your set of keys. This opens the main door, while this opens the apartment… oh, I’m Mathieu by the way… here’s your WiFi password…”. Brooke giggled, this Mathieu guy seemed kinda all over the place but he owned a flat in one of the most expensive Parisian neighborhoods, he must’ve been someone important. Or at least very rich. “So sorry I have to leave you this soon. Does any of you speak French?”. Vanessa shook her head, while Brooke said: “Kinda… the basics. The very basics. Toronto is not a French speaking area. I studied it in school but…”. “Oh, don’t worry! You’ll survive just fine with just English around here. Have a great staying! Can I be a little indiscreet?”, Mathieu said winking, “I’m so happy the rumors are true! Have fun you lovebirds!”. Then he kissed both of them on the cheeks and rushed away, chatting loudly on the phone in perfect Spanish. “The rumors? Which rumors?”. “I ain’t got no idea girl… let’s get inside this fucker”, Vanessa shrugged, grabbing Brooke’s backpack and bringing it inside. Fortunately, they managed to get inside that tiny elevator, squished and uncomfortable but still, the doors closed. “Looking at it positively, if we still had your suitcase we would’ve had to run this thing twice”, Brooked said jokingly, to cheer Vanessa up. It worked, and she smiled back. They arrived at the apartment, the only one on the last floor. “Oh wow, it’s really fucking big!”, Vanessa exclaimed stealing the keys from Brooke’s hands. “Do you say that very often Vanjie?”. Vanessa gave her the middle finger: “Shut up you whore… and carry your shit inside”. Brooke laughed, following her friend into that beautiful apartment. Light entered the open space softly, waving over the modern furniture, the wooden floor, the white curtains. “This place is stunning! C’mon drag race sponsorship! Okay I gotta explore”, said Vanjie dropping her stuff on the floor and running into the various rooms. “This bathroom is huge!”. “Oh my God look at this kitchen!”. Brooke left her suitcase as well, dropping her bag on one of the huge sofas. “Bitch… you should really come and see this”, Vanessa called her from the last room. It must’ve been the bedroom. Brooke started fantasizing on how beautiful and big their beds must’ve been. Vanessa was blankly staring at one, huge ass bed. A single king sized mattress. “Now I see why that bitch told us he was happy the rumors are true”, said Brooke. They looked at each other in the eyes. “Yeah sis”, Vanessa told her, “They think we’re banging”.

#rpdr fanfiction #vanessa vanjie mateo #brooke lynn hytes #branjie #pining #smut #evelyn bubbles #ywa7nsip #canon compliant #s11 #submission

[littlewalken]

Mar 15

I'm up but my body doesn't know why.

Read a few more chapters in the Cure FAQ yesterday. We all already knew Goff Barbie is a bitch.

'What happened to the bloke who used to...' 'That was Teddy'.

The Cure in Cure fan hell is Michael, Mathieu, Andy, and Perry stone cold sober working their way thru Trilogy. Altho Teddy probably played on Bloodflowers so it doesn't quite work.

Looking at the prospects of having to spend part of the day on the floor or a low stool. When we finally moved in and got our furniture arranged, after most of our stuff was in, yeah, I managed to sort my books into general sections.

So the craft books are over here but they're mixed up and I need to put all the sewing books here and doll making books there.

Come live the shit ass last couple of years I had to being disabled with physical and mental stumbling blocks, stuck living with an untreated schizophrenic because they're family, no working car, being homeless, having other relatives steal from you, and the included financial burdens then tell me you wouldn't be depressed.

We'll throw in some ongoing shit too that you never know if you're stuck with or not. Fortunately the Debbie Downer who used to call several times a day didn't like being told off for irresponsible behavior and that wet blanket has been lifted off the energy of the house.

And we have pets again. It's just a fish tank but after the death of our senior dog and everything else being mammal free for awhile is what we need to be able to engage in other activities to help us heal.

Somehow i can manifest things like merman Ken or that Diamond Dotz catle kit being on clearance but I'd like to have more positive interaction with other human beings.

The coof aside I'd like to find something or somewhere. A senior pool exercise class might work, my disabled body is about at the level of someone twice my age. And there won't be any kids running around and screaming.

That's how you know things are trying to get back to normal, screaming children are returning to the craft stores.

[strigital]

The Dark Brotherhood members as memes

as they’re depicted in Black Wind

Person who commited murder: oh no...

Lucien Lachance: *breaks through a wall* oh yeah!

Vicente Valtieri: i do love working here, it's just... we all have a lot of laughs! *spends 5mins at Blacktown* fuck off Arquen, i'm not going to your fucking baby shower.

Ocheeva: *appears from behind a column in nothing but her underpants* hi, welcome to Dark Brotherhood's!

Teinaava: is there anything better than pussy? *dramatic pause* yes, a really good book!

M'Raaj-dar: *while high on moonsugar* i smell like beef.

Telaendril: *goes to the city, sees normal people* look at all those chickens!

Gogron gro-Bolmog: *grabs a tankard* this bitch empty! YEET

Marie Antoinette: whOAoaoaoao! *from another room*: shut up! Marie Antoinette: yes.

Mathieu Bellamont: *to decapitated head* mom? MOM?! oh my fuckin' god, she fuckin' dead.

Alval Uvani: *from across the room* next time you put your fuckin’ hands on me imma fuckin’ rip your face off BITCH.

Ungolim: *while signing contracts for new recruits* my crew is big and it keeps getting bigger, that's because Sithis is my niBBa!

Belisarius Arius: we are all here children of Sithis *sniffs moonsugar* haaail, my lord!

Banus Alor: *unwraps a gift* a poisoned apple! aw, thanks :)

Arquen: not to be racist or anything, but non-elven people... *wheezes*

Fafnir: *is at Summitmist, again* damn, brother, back at it again with the Deceiver's Finery!

J'Ghasta: i wanna be a cowboy, babey *spins around on a punching bag* i wanna be a cowboy, babey!

Shaleez: i shoved a whole bag of jelly beans up my ass *jumps into lake, swims away*

Havilstein Hroar-Blood: two shots of Nordic mead... *pours entire bottle*

Rowley Earwulf: one, two, three, four... how many assassins are in my store? *turns the corner* ey, nooo stealing!

Schemer: *a hamster with Vietnam flashbacks*

Ragnar: *dancing shiba-inu, while 'Stayin' alive' plays in the background*

Shadowmere: *is sniffing a person with a rubber horse mask on* Person: *takes the mask off* Shadowmere: *get startled and majesticaly trots away*

Cassandra Saryn: it’s a fucking BEAR! *bear falls into river* NOOOooo! *bear appears on the other side* oh shit its right there!

Josele Monnique: this bitch called me ugly, i said bitch where? she said under all that makeup, i said *wipes face with handkerchief* bitch WHERE?!

Lawrence Lachance: *bursts into Sanctuary* it is Middas, my dudes! aaaAAAHHHhhh!

Lucien Lachance & Saren Lethallas: *are at Farragut* two bros chilling in the dungeon, five feet apart 'cause they're not gay

Shady Sam: *pops out of sewer* you want some penis enlargement potions?

#idk wtf is this #i was bored #the elder scrolls #oblivion #tesiv #tes4 #bethesda #the dark brotherhood #black wind #oc #fanfic related #lucien lachance #vicente valtieri #ocheeva #teinaava #m'raaj-dar #telaendril #gogron gro-bolmog #marie antoinette #mathieu bellamont #alval uvani #ungolim #belisarius arius #banus alor #arquen #fafnir #j'ghasta #shaleez #havilstein hroar-blood #give yourself a cookie if you get them all

[mcthieus]

it’s ya girl moose back at it again what’s good ?? as per usual....HMU or LIKE THIS if u wanna plot and i’ll come to u. matty is not as big of a pos as most of my other character so hopefully y’all like him. catch his pinterest HERE. more info under the cut~

( jeremy allen white )? no that’s ( mathieu sauvé ) the ( twenty-four ) year old ( hockey player ). who has been in town ( one year ) and reminds everyone of ( crushed beer cans, freshly sharpened ice skates, and goofy chipped tooth smiles ). maybe it has something to do with the fact the ( cismale ) is always ( self-indulgent & vacuous ) or ( enthusiastic & dependable ). either way ( he/him ) is apart of the town.

goes by matty bc most people can’t say mathieu right. if u call him matthew...........he will be very upset because he is a lil snooty québécois bitch !!!! idk if y’all are or know anything about french canadians but they are indeed snooty (as one of them i can Confirm)

he got a cute lil accent hon hon hon

anyway !!!! he was born and raised in montreal by a single mom, and spent basically his entire childhood playing hockey. if not on skates for the league team, then on the road playing with the other neighbourhood kids.

he had a twin named gabriel & the two of them were......absolute best friends. total inseparable but they were v different and were in totally different crowds in high school ?? his brother was more of a like.....skid i guess asdhkj like wasn’t rly in the good crowd & he was bullied a lot in school and......matty wanted to stick up for him but at the same time didn’t want to like fuck up his own reputation u kno ??  he was kind of a dick

gabe ended up passing away from an overdose after a party when they were 16 and it was rly fucking awful like......that’s was his twin man and suddenly he was gone??? and suddenly he was filled to the brim with guilt and regret for not sticking up for him and helping him out when he had the chance

he was very angry about the whole thing & rly......actually made him better at hockey??? it provided him a rly good outlet to get his frustrations out

and also he partied a LOT

his professional hockey career started when he was 18, right out of high school playing for the ahl toronto marlies and played for them up until last year

he is what the cool kids call a goon........or an enforcer if u wanna be fancy. basically that mean he just.....fights people?? like anyone who does one of the better players or the goalie dirty it’s just his job to fuck them up by checking them v aggressively or just....decking them ( which he prefers tbH he luvs to fight)

so he isn’t really great at the game itself but he is good at what he does and he gets a fuck ton of penalties but that just means he’s doing his job right (kind of shdifjf)

his nickname is the suave scrapper

rn he is a prospect for the arizona coyotes and plays for their ahl affiliate, the tuscon roadrunners. he just played with them for the first time in their 2017-2018 season

and honestly thank god bc he fucking hates toronto with a passion. decided to live in tallow bc it seems like a nice lil place and he doesnt mine the commute.

he......hates the weather tho like ya boi needs the cold to live!!!!! his canadian ass is dying

10000000000% a mama’s boy. he misses his mom so much....prob talks to her on skype or facetime every day. she is his entire world and he loves her sm

probably the dumbest person u will ever meet. he lacks academic smarts as well as just general common sense. ur run of the mill idiot. he’s very like.....me play sport, me punch things. probably just recently learned how to do his own laundry

basically a man child

he loves food and he eats A LOT. but he is an athlete so he needs those carbs goils !!!!!! he rly loves american food like give him a big ol’ cheeseburger and he’s drooling like a dog. also loves breakfast foods like way too much

but other than that he’s generally v healthy bc...he’s gotta be

has had too many concussions to count and has a bunch of fake teeth after having ‘em knocked out or chipped while playing hockey. he won’t tell u which ones tho. but it’s a lot

he was really popular and cool in high school (bc that’s how hockey bois be) and he had a lot of girls that like fawned over him, which rly distorted his own perception of himself and now he thinks he’s like.....rly hot shit and that he’s very charming when really he’s just a big dumb oaf 

but he honestly just........loves girls so much??? he loves everything about them and he’s very open about this. like...not even just banging girls but just generally he thinks that girls are the most wonderful beings to grace the earth and he will worship any girl who even TALKS to him or gives him the time of day. girls are so magically and he has a crush on every girl he meets

he’s definitely the kind of person to have had a lot of girlfriends in the past not bc he’s a player or anything but bc like i said....he has a crush on every girl ??? he just gets so lonely when he isn’t like seeing someone or isn’t like.....flirting with or like doesn’t have a thing with someone i guesS???? he just loves love and has a lot to give

thinks ppl who are just being nice are flirting and thinks ppl who are flirting are just being nice

so he’s like........lowkey a soft boy even tho he is very.......punchy

at the same time tho he is kind of a dick and will be like.....talking to other guys about how many girls he’s fucking and how he’s such a ladies man and whatever but he actually is......a bumbling mess and the worst at flirting but that doesn’t stop him from trying

doesn’t understand that sex doesn’t equal feelings ??? and.....fwb don’t rly work out for him bc he is destined to catch feelings and then be like shook when they aren’t reciprocated

just recently got out of a pretty long relationship?? him & his girlfriend lana tried to make it work long distance bc she didn’t want to leave toronto and it didn’t work out, and she dumped him a few of months ago. he found out that she was cheating on him both before and after he moved away. it was very difficult for him & they dated for a p long time so he is still like....v heart broken but he’s getting back out there

he started smoking because lana did and he wanted her to think he was cool and now he wants to quit but can’t bc.....every cigarette reminds him of her and he’s a big sappy idiot with a broken heart

but he doesn’t do any drugs!!!!! obviously he is a Sports man

he drinks a lot tho. always has and always will love beer with a burning passion. he parties a lot and is basically always hungover but he’s here for a good time not a long time!!!!!!!!!!! just wants to have fun and do this Thing

he is very social and can’t like......stay home alone for long period of time??? like he needs friends and needs to be out doing something or else he goes insane

he is very loyal tho like.......would definitely set himself on fire & fight 7 thousand people for u if ur his friend

very goofy & always joking around. to be quite honest..............he is a walking talking Meme

he is a simple man. not very complicated. he’s honest for the most part and what u see is what u get. a very good listener. u can depend on him and he will b there

probably definitely mostly straight but who knows tbh

ok here’s some connections y’all can...throw at me

workout buddies!!! u know he’s living that Gym life & doesn’t like to be alone so that would b lit

friends!!!! pls he needs...........................so many or else he will Die

hookups !!! fair warning tho he will.....prob fall in love w them

party pals !! ya boy is a party animal and again...he ain’t gonna do it alone!!!

maybe....someone that makes him rly mad & he wants to figHT them

idk to be honest.....anything

more can b found here

#tallowintro #cheating tw #death tw #overdose tw #plot w my boiiii

[simplyamplex]

Question: How do you feel about your family?

Kalmera: “What about her?  She’s alright as far as sisters go, but we aren’t best friends.  Neither of us are any good at listening and definitely not to each other, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care if something happens to her.”

Christaan: “He’s a daddy’s boy through and through.  When he started coming around again, he learned quickly his age doesn’t mean shit to me.  We’re well past the chance for him to be a big brother.”

Adriaan: “If Christiaan is the daddy’s boy, then Adriaan is a mommy’s boy.  He thinks he’s so tough and yet he hasn’t done shit with his life.  Still, he thinks that gives him the right to look down on the rest of us.”

Juliette: “I don’t want to talk about the bitch.  What she needs is to take the enormous stick out of her ass.”

Mathieu: “Skilled, but he complains too much.  We have killed people and taken as we pleased.  He needs to stop pretending that he is one of the best out there at what he does.”

Gregoire: “He’s one of the men I respect the most and he’s the one who trained me.  The man knows what he’s doing.  Somehow he manages to balance it all.”

Gerard: “He’s a man with a dick and he certainly likes to put it where he can, but Father is smart.  Family is his priority, no matter what it takes.  I wouldn’t work for him if I thought otherwise.”

#but when i'm way up here it's crystal clear { salem | headcanon )

[linaselandbasil]

He's a feminist because-

Nevra: he has a sister. (Look up Madonna whore complex)

Valkyon: he was put on this mortal plain to look pretty and eat ass, being a bigot is not on his agenda.

Ezarel: he's a man of science

Lance: he doesn't respect men either. Yay equality!! Also, he wishes he was aborted so he's totally pro choice

Leiftan: why the hell would he not? *bats lashes murderously*

Mathieu: he thinks he is, but he really isn't because he's in this to get bitches. (He doesn't get bitches)

!Bonus!

Kassvin: he's a socialist with a cooter of course he's a feminist

#eldarya #unhinged #lance eldarya #valkyon

[mathicu-blog]

hello fam ?? i’m ac and i very much suck at intros, now you’re warned !! uh, my preferred pronouns are she/her, i’m twenty years old and reside in the gmt+1 timezone !! i’m like pretty damn excited to be here, been stalking this rp since it hit the tags, no lie !! anyway, i’m gonna tell you a bit about my son, mathieu. also if you wanna plot please hit me up or like this post !! i’ll try to have a connection page up very soon, ‘cause i have an extended weekend so hopefully i can be productive !!

( francisco lachowski. cismale. he/him. ) // did you see who walked past just then ? couldn’t really tell from the distance but i think it’s ( mathieu blake ) actually ! the ( twenty-three ) year old is a little ( airy ) if you ask me but they’re also ( charming ). i heard that when they opened the capsule, they took out the ( mp3 player ) that they’d left seventeen years ago. i wonder what that even means to them especially now that they’re a ( nightclub owner ) ?

alright so i’m gonna try to keep it short and instead just link u to his full biography, so if you’re interested, it’s right here !!

(trigger warning; slight mention of abuse and cancer) 

basically, mathieu is from brazil, was given up for adoption right when he was born ‘cause his father was abusive and his mother wasn’t gonna bring him up in a family like that so yeah, he was born mathieu navarro and still uses it in his full name. stayed at an adoption home until he was five and then he was adopted by michael and christina blake who are some rich bitches from lorfield, except they’re not actually bitches they’re really nice lol.

anyway mathieu got an mp3 player from his grandfather when he first arrived which had some of the most iconic songs on it plus a lullaby they’d used to sing at the adoption center back in brazil. his grandfather died of cancer not too long after mathieu was adopted and all but he had a really big impact on him. even at five years old mathieu became really interested in music and all, also because his grandfather and now father owns a record label it was kind of in the cards. anyway as soon as he could he picked up the guitar and he was basically a natural.

but oh well, he was always a very outgoing and sociable kid, he’d always find something to do or someone to talk to and everyone was always just drawn to him due to the vibes and energy he radiated with. but yeah he’s always been very energetic, thought to have adhd but he doesn’t, he’s perfectly normal??? anyway he was kind of a little shit growing up, like he was nice and all but he was also just super annoying and always getting on someones nerves, he’d always throw pranks and do everything he wasn’t supposed to do, and he kind of got out of hand to the point where his parents send him to a private school in los angeles where he’d live with his aunt and uncle.

la had a really shitty influence on him, to be honest he really didn’t like the city or the people at all and suffered from home sickness a lot which caused him to act out and be even more of a bigger shit than usual. he had a lot of friends or people that wanted to be his friend ‘cause he was rich and wild i guess, he knew they weren’t really there for him when all came down to him and it was proven to be right a few times as well. so yeah, he kinda grew into an asshole and forgot everything about the things that mattered until his senior year of high school when he like realized he’d have to come home soon and he’d just been nothing but a major disappointment to his parents, so he kinda picked up his grades and all but....still an asshole.

oh yeah also during the la years he obtained information on his biological mother and got her address and everything, wrote her like a bazillion letters but haven’t send a single one to this date cause he’s afraid of ruining something..there’s a lot of worries tbh.

anyway, high school finished and he didn’t really wanna go home ‘cause he’d have to face his parents whom he hadn’t seen much during these years, they’d talked and all and met for holidays but he tried to avoid them ooops. parents and authorities weren’t cool in his social circle and he had an image to uphold after all, so instead he applied for berklee college of music in boston and was admitted, so swoosh to the other side of the country to start college, it was practically his dream education however it only lasted a month cause he just couldn’t handle it. it was too much theory and less action and too stiff for his liking.

still not ready to go home he moved to new york for like 3 years he lived there in a fancy ass penthouse and worked as an event coordinator for the marquee nightclub ‘cause boy knew how to make connections and pull people in for an epic night. so yeah, during these years he kinda grew more into himself, and became more sure of his future and so, when he turned 21 he moved back to lorfield to open his own nightclub thing, called the ivy, it’s like his little baby and probably the most serious thing he’s ever done or been part of so that’s pretty big. he’s still set to take over the family record label after his father and he’s quite alright with that.

personality wise, mathieu is a bit complicated, he’s a narcissist through and through. It’s his way or no way. He’s not very good at seeing things from different perspectives because in his mind he’s always right, even if he knows he’s straight up wrong he will play it off as if he’s the one right, and probably make you doubt that you’re right in the process. He’s not very good with empathy and putting other people first, if you ever come to him for comfort you will probably regret it, he’s the absolute worst at emotional comfort and he’ll just make you feel even worse than you already did. He’s very unreliable in various ways, if he seizes the opportunity to gain something for himself but stab someone in the back at the same time, he’d do it without hesitation, you can never be sure with him, don’t ever count on him to show up for anything scheduled, he probably found something more interesting to tend to last minute and didn’t bother letting you know, if you’ve done something to ever get the smallest rise out of him, he’s probably scheming your end as we speak.

He’s the type of person who bullshits his way through everything, he’s never really put much effort into anything besides his senior year of high school, everything else has come easily to him. He can talk his way out of everything, not because everything he says is actually related to the topic at hand but because he just keeps on talking, and while he did that he probably threw in a few snarky insults covered up in sarcasm and a dazzling smile. He’s a relatively smart guy, at least street smart, knows how to make his way through life and you don’t need math to do that.

He rarely does anything for the benefit of others, if he does help you it’s purely because he sees it benefiting himself as well. So basically he’s a snake. He’s not exactly malicious or cruel however, it’s more of a teasing except he means everything he says 100%. He plays everything off as a joke cause he’s incapable of taking anyone or anything serious. Will laugh at your insults or attempts to insult him, ‘cause he’s got himself on a pedestal so high he probably didn’t even hear you.

He thrives on pissing people off, whether they’ll be pissed at him or someone else for something he said is not important he just wants to shake it up a little. He lives for anything that gives the slightest bit of adrenaline and if you bore him for too long it’s a guarantee he’ll just up and leave. He’s very easily bored, of people, hobbies and generally everything. When he was a kid his parents would get him new toys every other week and his interest in them only went as far as a week. That’s the same with girls and hobbies. He’s incapable of relationships because he simply gets bored of people so quickly..also he’s just not very good a monogamy, it’s not that he doesn’t wanna settle down, but he’s just living the bachelor life right now and besides, he’s got enough in himself.

He’s a slut for drama as long as he isn’t involved. He loves stirring the pot and raise hell, watching everyone run around like headless chickens and blame each other left and right, he’s like Littlefinger in Game of Thrones whispering shit to everyone and then just watching the drama unfold, the second he’s involved however, it’s not quite as fun and he will try his very best to…slither out of it and remove himself from the situation. He makes it his business to know everyone else’s business. If you need something you can be sure Mathieu either knows, or knows someone who knows, of course that info doesn’t come free of charge. Doesn’t share anything with anyone cause he knows from personal experience that no one really gives a fuck. He hates being confronted with things and will pretty much always just finger gun his way out of everything or laugh as if you’re the idiot. In general, he’s just an entitled rich kid who’s bored with the world and loves doing everything in his power to make it just a little more interesting.

so yeaaaah, i think that’s like it ???

#lorfieldintro #( — HERE I GO AGAIN ; OOC

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s NFL Week 6 Extravapalooza

In this reporter’s opinion, Week 6 brings us BY FAR the the strongest slate of games we’ve had this season. For example, a game pitting a normal squad against either Miami or Washington is automatically a dud based on their respective shittiness, but this week those two poor, unfortunate teams are facing EACH OTHER to determine the King of Crap Mountain. It’s a must-watch for fans of trashy entertainment, imo.

But that’s not all! We’ve also got a showdown pitting two “Future Face of the League”-level QBs against one another in Kansas City, Lamar Jackson facing a weak opponent that should allow him to do crazy things again, and several match-ups between legitimate playoff contenders. Even the boring-ass Titans and Broncos have the courtesy to confine themselves to a single game this week so they can be easily ignored. AND it all starts at 9:30 AM Eastern Time because of the NFL’s ridiculous insistence on playing games in a far away land that couldn’t care less about American football! It should be a fun day, please make sure you have plenty of snacks.

You know the drill by now, my picks are in BOLD, and the lines are courtesy of Vegas Insider.

EARLY GAMES

9:30 AM EST Kickoff: Carolina Panthers (-2.5) vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers (in London)

Panthers QB Kyle Allen has made me look like a dumb dick for insisting that he sucks, there’s no doubt about it. That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop, of course. KYLE ALLEN ISN’T GOOD AND THE TEAM IS WINNING WITH DEFENSE AND MCCAFFERY! 

Speaking of the Panthers’ defense, CB James Bradberry is having an awesome season, and he should keep Bucs WR Mike Evans in check. This means that Tampa’s other stud WR, Chris Godwin, should feast once again. This will infuriate me personally, as someone who owns Evans in fantasy and traded away Godwin recently.

Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens (-11)

If the Ravens can’t take care of business against the beat-up, sad-sack Bengals, I’ll have no choice but to accept that I jumped the gun with my Lamar Jackson excitement. I’m picking them to beat the 11-point spread in large part because I long for the halcyon days of Week 2, when Lamar was racking up comical statistics and a man’s word still MEANT something, ya know?

Seattle Seahawks (-1.5) at Cleveland Browns

I think the fact that he’s one of the world’s foremost goobers obscures the fact that Russell Wilson is one of the best handful of players in the entire NFL. In all seriousness, how many QBs would you take over Wilson? For me, Patrick Mahomes and Gardner Minshew are the only guys I’d have ahead of him.

I’m torn between wanting the Browns to be good because I like a bunch of their players as individuals, and wishing for the comfort and reassurance that knowing that they are and always will be a smoldering trash heap provides. The Browns’ perpetual ineptitude can be the anchor we all need in these times of great upheaval. 

Houston Texans at Kansas City Chiefs (-4)

Mahomes! Watson! Hopkins! Hill (probably)! Watt! Mathieu! Hardman! Mercilus! I know the names of several players involved in this game!

This should be a fun one, I give the edge to K.C. because Andy Reid is way better than Bill O’Brien at this whole “coaching NFL football” thing.

New Orleans Saints at Jacksonville Jaguars (-2.5)

Philadelphia Eagles at Minnesota Vikings (-3)

This one feels like a tough, low-scoring brawl to me. I like it very much as a counterweight to the Chiefs-Texans for watchin’-em-up purposes. Eagles-Vikings will be a game dictated by field position, patience, and a few well-timed risks. A slow-burn that rewards those paying attention, as opposed to the constant pyrotechnics and roller-coaster action K.C. - Houston should provide. To put it into seasonally appropriate terms, Vikings-Eagles is “The VVitch,” Chiefs-Texans is “IT.” 

Washington Football Team (-3.5) at Miami Dolphins

I love this perfect storm of garbage so much. With the caveat that you should CLEARLY never take gambling advice from me, there’s no way in hell anyone should feel confident betting on this game in any form or fashion. There’s almost nothing that could happen during these 60 minutes (at least!) that would surprise me. 

LATE GAMES

Atlanta Falcons (-2.5) at Arizona Cardinals

I just can’t with the Falcons anymore. They need to make wholesale changes, in my opinion as a certified football genius. Hey, why not reunite Julio Jones with Kyle Shanahan and trade him to the 49ers? Jon Gruden would probably trade 4 1st round picks for Matt Ryan. BLOW IT UP! 

There’s a chance David Johnson isn’t going to play in this one, I’m making my pick assuming he will and that he’ll be close to his usual self. 

San Francisco 49ers at Los Angeles Rams (-3) 

I originally had the Rams here, but now that Todd Gurley has been ruled out I had to make a change. It’s not that Gurley has been even close to the MVP-level form he showed most of last season, but what he has been is a reliable safety-valve for Jared Goff in the passing game. The Niners can really rush the passer, ergo Goff will need to get rid of the ball quickly, ergo Gurley would’ve really helped. I don’t even know if I’m using “ergo” correctly. ERGO FUCK YOURSELF.

I want to buy the San Fran hype, but I fully acknowledge that THEY AIN’T PLAYED NOBODY, PAWWWL!  This game will be their toughest test yet, even without having to deal with Gurley. 

Dallas Cowboys (-7) at New York Jets

via GIPHY

Tennessee Titans at Denver Broncos (-2)

Don’t even glance at this shit by accident. 

Sunday Night Game: Pittsburgh Steelers at Los Angeles Chargers (-6.5)

The Chargers at home against a reeling Pittsburgh team starting undrafted free-agent rookie third-stringer Devlin Hodges at QB--what could go wrong? If there’s one team that could blow a layup like this, it is DEFINITELY the Phil Rivers-era Chargers. I’d be actively rooting for that very thing if their opponent were anyone other than the loathsome Steelers. I’m enjoying their demise too much to want it to stop now. 

Monday Night Game: Detroit Lions at Green Bay Packers (-4)

I.....am buying the Lions being legit this season? This seems like a mistake, but here we are. I’ve always felt a kinship with Matthew Stafford since we’re both cursed/blessed with 12-year-old faces on the bodies of multimillionaire professional athletes. So, I’m rooting for him to lead Detroit to glory. I think the true star of this game will be Kerryon Johnson, because he’s awesome and Green Bay struggles defending the run. 

I’m enjoying the Aaron Rodgers-Matt LeFleur weekly sideline spats. I actually think their dynamic is much healthier than the passive-aggressive proxy war Rodgers was constantly waging with former Head Bitch In Charge Mike McCarthy. I reserve the right to change my mind on this if Rodgers strangles LeFleur with piano wire during this game.

Last Week’s Record: 8-6

Season Record: 29-42-1

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