#but even when im trying it doesn't work. its never worked

[killerlookz]

Joost Klein x Goth!Gf Headcannons

content: SFW and NSFW headcannons below the cut, 18+ MDNI, this work contains rpf and has been tagged as such, do not continue if that makes you uncomfortable

SFW Headcannons

You're pretty much his personal makeup artist now, anytime he wants to do his fun little facepaint looks (like the mime or kiss makeup) you're the first one he's asking to help him out

He absolutely doesn't mind you kissing him with your lipstick on and is in no rush to wash off the dark-colored lipstick prints you leave on his cheeks after you do so, sometimes letting them sit there for hours while he goes about his day.

You can't tell me that this man doesn't absolutely love going to the goth clubs. It's definitely a different speed than he's usually used to, and some of the music may be a little slow for his taste but that man just absolutely loves dancing and the nightlife in general.

He definitely dresses up to "fit in" to go to the goth clubs too! Putting on whatever black items he can find in his closet, usually a pair of rugged black jeans adorned with a thick belt either studded or with a big buckle and some black shirt he spent far too much money on. He usually ends up looking more like he's about to join Opium or Drain Gang than he does goth, but your heart entirely melts at the fact that he's trying.

You absolutely inspire him to buy a pair of New Rocks (side note im actually surprised ive never seen him in new rocks they're very his style lol) and he just absolutely towers over you in them, which he finds very amusing (cue him teasing you about being "short" even though the platforms of those shoes are like 10 cm, making him like 198 cm/ 6'5)

If you are wearing big shoes and they start to hurt he will absolutely carry you back to wherever you need to go- The same goes for if you're breaking in new shoes- you're out and about together and all of a sudden you start treading behind him, walking awkwardly due to the blisters forming on your heels and the backs of your ankles- and he knows, you don't even have to say anything, he just stops dead in his tracks, and bends down for you to get on his back.

Thrifting/ DIYing dates!!! It becomes a tradition for the two of you to go out to thrift/consignment stores and pick out pieces for the two of you to style or DIY into something. He loves it especially when you DIY things for him, and always shows off the clothes/accessories you put together for him, "Oh you like my necklace? Yeah, my girlfriend made it for me."

He laces up your corsets for you! No longer do you need to struggle trying to reach behind your back to tie your corsets. He's always so delicate about it too, "You're sure I'm not squeezing you too tight?" Running his hands all along your sides and your hips after he finishes tying it shut.

He definitely just thinks you are so cool, despite having his own unique style himself, he is just in so much awe of you being yourself, and just genuinely finds you to be the coolest person on Earth, whether its the way you do your makeup, or dress, or the music you listen to, he's just obsessed.

He'll absolutely tease you a little bit though, cue him singing "Because toniiiight will be the noiiight that I will fall for yewwww over agaiiiin" at you because he knows it pisses you off *just a little* you'll chastise him for that being emo not goth, but he still finds it funny regardless, and he loves seeing that little smile you give him when you're trying to pretend to be mad at him, but really you're holding back a laugh

He loves when you wear his necklaces or his fancy belts to accessorize with

Getting tattoos together is a muuuust, he's not so into the idea of matching tattoos, but just spontaneously on a whim being like, "hey do you wanna get another tattoo today?"

NSFW Headcannons

You CANNOT count how many new fishnet tights you've had to buy from Joost being far too impatient to get you undressed, bending you over, lifting up your skirt and just ripping the flimsy fabric open, not even bothering to take them off of you.

However, when the sex is more romantic he absolutely loves taking his time with you, so delicately removing each of your layers (and us goth girlies know... we wear a looot of layers lmaoo) he just loves being all sensual about it, he also just for sure enjoys teasing you with how excruciatingly slow he is about it.

Loves seeing how much he can ruin your makeup, whether its smudged lipstick or eyeliner dripping down your face, the messier the better.

In addition to fucking up your makeup he loves when you go down on him while you're wearing lipstick, the way your lipstick smears as you take him in your mouth, god he finds it so hot.

Obsessed with when you wear leather or latex!! Oof the way the tight, shiny material hugs your body, he cannot get enough, and honestly is ready to take it off of you the second you slip it on.

He absolutely adores you in lace too (especially black lacey lingerie) when you wear lacey tops with nothing but a bra underneath... (same can be said for a fishnet top) oooooh girl he is absolutely feral, the way you're technically "covered" but still exposed in all the right spots... whew

If you have long/pointy nails he looves feeling you dig them into him as he fucks you,

Whenever the two of you go out to the goth clubs things definitely get very steamy, always ending up with his arms wrapped around your waist and your ass pressed against his crotch as your bodies move together to the dark, slow, synthy music.

He loves it when you bite him! Always calling you his little vampire as you suck on his neck, leaving pretty little lovebites and lipstick smudges on his skin. (vampire/blood kink goes brrrr wait what who said that hAHAHHAHHA)

Fucking to goth music is a MUST... not sorry about it, bands like Depeche Mode and She Wants Revenge are top tier sex music, him mumbling along to Tear You Apart, his lips pressing into your neck, sending vibrations down your spine as he slowly undresses you.

Also fucking while watching horror movies hehehehe, there's just something about the suspense and tension that gets your blood going, one second you're watching the TV anxiously, and the next second he's on top of you as you're begging for him to please fuck you.

#joost klein #joost klein x reader #joost klein smut #joost klein x f!reader #joost klein rpf #rpf

[ramencat12]

Draw from the heart (Abstragedy fanfic)

Ever since that day Zooble stood up to Jax for breaking Gangle's comedy mask Gangle had a strange feeling she never expected to have.

That day Gangle was in her room scribbling in her sketchbook when suddenly she kept having these thoughts about that certain figure, her cheeks flushed a shade of red

"Hm...That was really sweet of Zooble standing up for me like that" Gangle sighed

Gangle wanted to do something for Zooble to thank them but she didn't know what to do

"Maybe i could make them a drawing, im sure they would like that" Gangle though

Gangle took out her colored pencils and pieces of paper and began to draw what looked like Zooble, Gangle didn't seem very confident with how the drawings would come out she would toss them out and start over.

"Agh i can't seem to do it right!" Gangle said as she walked away from her desk and dropped onto her bed

"Oh its no use...i can't do it they probably won't even like it" Gangle sobbed she didn't seem very confident with her skills, then she heard a knock on the door

"Gangle are you okay? i heard you crying" cried a familiar voice

Gangle then got back up from her bed and went to open the door, It was Ragatha

"O-Oh hi Ragatha" Gangle sighed

Ragatha then noticed the pile of crumbled up paper on the floor and inside the trash she looked at Gangle with a worried look

"I-Im sorry if my room is a mess...Im trying to draw something for someone" Gangle sobbed

"Oh, for who?" Ragatha asked

"I wanted to draw something for Zooble...the way they stood up to me was very sweet i wanted to make something for them as a way to say thank you, but no matter how much i try i just can't seem to get the drawing right...i don't even see why i try they probably don't like me" Gangle covers her face

Ragatha felt sorry for Gangle she wanted to do something to help

"Gangle listen...You can't give up already i know you want to make this drawing for Zooble but you shouldn't push yourself down and give up already, i know Zooble would appreciate the drawing very much" Ragatha told Gangle in a comforting tone

"Y-You think so?" Gangle asked

"Of course they will" Ragatha replied

Then Gangle took a deep breath and smiled

"Thanks Ragatha...but i still don't know if its gonna look good"

"Gangle you are an amazing artist i know its going to look great, you just have to draw from the heart"

Then as soon as Gangle heard the word "Draw from the heart" she sat back at her desk and started drawing feeling confident.

as minutes passed she was finished, Gangle looked at the drawing proudly as Ragatha looked with admiration.

"Gangle this looks amazing i always knew you were an amazing artist!" Ragatha exclaimed as she had both of her hands together

"Eheh...Thanks" Gangle smiled

Then Gangle looked back at the drawing

"Do you think Zooble will like it?" Gangle asked

"Gangle i know Zooble will love it" Ragatha replies

Gangle then smiled "Well...i hope you're right, thanks for helping me Ragatha"

"Happy to help" Ragatha smiled

Then Gangle leaves her room as she waved to Ragatha before she left to look for Zooble to give them the drawing

Gangle then sees Zooble near the stage, Gangle's face flushed a bright red as she squeaked in embarrassment but with a deep breath she worked up the courage to go give the drawing to Zooble.

"Uhhh hi Zooble"

"Hm?" Zooble turned to Gangle

Gangle's face then flushed to a brighter shade of red

"A-Ah umm...i wanted to give you this" Gangle hands Zooble the drawing

Zooble was surprised as they looked at the drawing in admiration

"You drew this...for me?" Zooble asked

"Yeah...it was a way of saying thank you im sorry if it doesn't look very good but i do hope you like it a-after all it was the least i could do" Gangle looked away fidgeting with her hands as she shyly looked away

Zooble was flattered and didn't know what to say, then Zooble's face felt warm

"You know...i think it looks great" Zooble assured Gangle

Gangle looked back at Zooble in surprise

"Y-You do!?"

"Well yeah...I think it was really thoughtful that you drew something for me" Zooble said

Gangle was speechless for a moment but she was very happy to know that Zooble liked the drawing.

"Hehe well it was the least i could do" Gangle smiled

"Well i appreciate it very much" Zooble then patted Gangle on the back "You're a pretty good artist you know?" Zooble told Gangle

Then Gangle blushed from the compliment

"Really you think so!?" Gangle said

"Well yeah...if you want maybe is it alright if i could come by and check out your drawings sometime?" Zooble asked rubbing the back of their neck as they blushed

Then Gangle smiled as she began to squeal

"EEEEEE Of course i would love to!" Gangle exclaims

Zooble smiled seeing her all excited but then caught a bit by surprise as Gangle grabbed them by the hand then they both looked at each other and blushed

"Uhh sorry do you want me to let go?" Gangle asked

"No no its alright you don't have to let go" Zooble replied

"Alright...i think you're really cool Zooble" Gangle told Zooble

Zooble blushed "Heh...you're pretty cool too"

Then they both walked in the hallway as they talked together.

(The end)

#ramencat12 #the amazing digital circus #tadc #tadc fanfiction #fanfic #abstragedy #gangle x zooble #zooble x gangle #gangle #zooble #tadc gangle #tadc zooble #the amazing digital circus gangle #the amazing digital circus zooble

[br1ghtestlight]

fantasizing about a life where im happy and have friends (and romance?) as if that was ever going to happen LMAO

#born to be alone and have no friends probably forever. Like thats what i do best #im just bored...... and sad and lonely #not in a way that the internet could fix though. i miss feeling like i have any connection to people #literally at all ever #but even when im trying it doesn't work. its never worked #even on the internet at this point. i just want to feel like im alive and a part of something #txt

[redysetdare]

every time i see a post that is like "ughh why cant we have aspec characters who aren't aroace for once" I have to do a double take like "is the aroace rep in the room with us right now?" because genuinely....where is all this aroace rep y'all are complaining about? Why cant i find it yet it's apparently the only aspec rep we get?? You admit that TV never says the word aromantic so where is the aroace rep. So far I've pretty much only seen canonically asexual characters and not much else buddy.

#text #half the time i think these ppl see other aspec ppl saying that x character feels aroace and then they take it as canon rep #instead of an interpretation of the character which likely was never meant to be written as aspec at all #because majority of people don't even know what that is #this isn't me saying that we shouldn't have aroallo or alloace rep btw #this is me complaining about people throwing aroace ppl under the bus because apparently we are 'hogging' all the representation in media #and it just reads as people being aphobic towards aroace people specifically and it drives me insane #you can ask for more aroallo and alloace characters without complaining and shitting on aroace characters???? #like bro we are all on the same fucking team. we are all trying to get seen and understood. we all want to see ourselves in media #stop fighting like one of us is somehow way more privileged than the other because 'you have x rep' #we all have crumbs my guy. just because someone else is getting crumbs doesn't mean that its your crumbs being taken. #idk i see so many posts like this and it makes me feel so unwelcome in the aro and ace communities #im tired of aroace people being used as a scapegoat that you can target to pretend like you're punching up #when in reality you're just committing friendly fire against people who are on your team #i miss when the aro and ace communities used to like... work together as a big aspec community #now ppl r way too focused on separating them and acting like they have nothing in common and don't have the same goals #and both communities now tend to put a lot of blame onto aroace people because of stereotypes we never had control over in the first place #it's exhausting #like the aphobia is coming from inside the house #i didn't go through the ace discourse on tumblr to deal with this shit.

[arsenicflame]

hey does anyone wanna bounce bellhands/they all went to pirate school together ideas with me? im trying to figure out the missing pieces of my personal set up and it might be easier with someone else!

#if youve never spoken to me before please be aware i will type a whole paragraph in response to one (1) sentence #but if ur down for that! please. #ive got like. the start and the end and a couple bits in the middle fleshed out but it doesn't f l o w #this is the problem with trying to condense more than a years of ideas into one cohesive narrative. i usually swap and change things as #and when it suits so im like. i don't know what i need in this #its just for my silly little tumblr post but #i would appreciate it <3 #i can send you what ive wrote and we can go from there or we can start from scratch bouncing ideas or u can just ask me questions #or something to help fill in gaps idk whatever works for u! what ive got is like. a fuckin mess honestly its ramblings and half finished #thoughts and just. its. a complete state and thats not even touching on whats missing (like. anything that matters in the middle basically) #nyxtalks #ofmd #bellhands #sam bellamy #izzy hands #israel hands #if you're unfamiliar with the concept: its Hornigold era stuff; jack + ed + izzy + sam all sailing under him and learning the ropes togethe #im not trying to go into too many details; just the underlying structure that is what I think of when i think of them #its probably not something anyone else cares about but i think i need it for some of the more fun 'what if Izzy went with sam' posts #i realised if i wanted to say what the divergence point was i Needed to establish all this lol #'oh yeah its when izzy chooses sam after the mutiny despite their argument' NYX WHAT ARGUMENT. you need to tell us what u mean

[skunkes]

Did or does anything inspire your art? It’s so fun and unique

I do have artists (both Established and like Peers/Mutuals) I enjoy and I do pluck traits from art I like as I see fit to mold my own but I don't have any conscious inspiration ykwim...ive had ppl tell me my art looks like or reminds them of things i like, whether "vibe based" (stuffed animals) or a specific media (care bears) but i dont consciously draw inspiration from care bears ykwim... I could tell u i loved archie comics as a kid and i love the art style but thats not a good answer to the question bc it doesnt present itself in my work (and if it does its not on purpose) ykwim...i hope dis makes sense.

I always bring up Urasawa when this question comes up, like I love urasawa's art and often save lots of it for inspiration but my work doesnt really ever come out as an emulation of his as a result, it's more osmosed as I try to figure out how I want to draw, bc I haven't seen anyone who draws the way I'd like to yet. (Also using him as an example, as this is how I feel about all my other "inspirations").

Theres tons of different ways to draw every possible trait of a face or body etc, so I just do that, taking shapes and such from other artists i observe along the way without really picking up the influence (and if i do its never for very long), since I've yet to find anything im very happy with

#ive never understood how people do those inspiration boards and you can SEE how all the people they list influence their art #if i could scrounge together enough artists that inspire me then i dont think you'd even be able to tell unless you Guessed #if that makes sense #similarly i do have thousands of folders of artists and mutuals' art i have saved #to go look back at for inspiration...but its not direct inspiration #like zaftiguy2 on twitter (NSFW) is an inspiration of mine....you would never guess though bc what I osmose from his work doesn't #present itself very upfront in my stuff‚ if at all #does this make sense? i feel when ppl ask others this question is bc they wanna see more art adjacent to that of the person theyre asking #but unfortunately its not like that for me ykwim :( #id be much much better if there was someone who drew the way i want to draw that i could copy off of LOL #my art is so bad BECAUSE i feel like im making it from scratch. and im bad at coming up with things #anonymous #skunk mail #so thank u for thinking its unique bc i personally think its very generic as a result #like. entry level art style #off the top of my head artists i LIKE are kemafili manaohu and yawningyawns #on twitter....kemafili is on here though (kemafili1 on twitter) #those are artists i have in my ''fave'' folder. theres others i think but thats the only ones i can think of rn #i also have tons of artist folders saved in general but read my above statements about inspiration #eraserplains is another one... they're on tumblr too #i like raymodule (tumblr) and robottoast (twitter) but again not in a way where im like wow i want to draw exactly like that lets try

[hellofears]

having issues with men, the associations the instant distrust, which i dont like i dont want it i want things to be different, just all of it so much just the dynamic i have the relationship all of it the way the world is atleast online and having a younger brother. I wouldn't trade him for the world, I try and talk to him where I can and will continue to do so i adore him but i fear. i believe in him i want joy for him. I fear that his peers will feed him fckn brainrot and it scares me. not even just that he'll fall into that thinking that his fuckn upstanding that his unwillingness to follow ppl will hurt him. crazy shit at schools, like why tf r ppl dying kids young teens killing eaachother with knives? ??I don't want to loose him i don't want to see him loose who he is and the heart that he has i don't and i hope he rises above it all and will continue to. i feel like im stating what he has to be or smth but all i could ask for is his wellbeing, respect, humanity, that he treats himself well know what he deserves and has some sense of self, some gravity. I feel like shit sometimes for this aspect that i'm concerned that i just idk, i dont like the whole 'dont disappoint me' thing he owes nothing to me other than basic human decency and respect, hes a reason why i live but to i just that intrusive thought of there is no different the hell u think of is real about men to someone i hold so fckn dear to in a way show me their fckn fuckery its idk, like another? it'd hurt me, it'd hurt me bad.

i've never understood men or boys, amab, who go on about their connection or like protectiveness of their sisters of their mother but treat other women like shit like their familiars aren't women? you don't want to fuck them so its different? what is it like just whats the difference why does it have to pertain to you for you to care? do you care or do you see them as an extension? is it a personality trait for you? a 'lover boy' thing? a signal to women, women u imagine u want and is going to be 'ur woman' but u cant even like visualize them in a way that doesnt pertain to your sexual interests? a signal so people can say oh he loves his mother so hes good to go and prime? a 'mummys boy' ? are they not real women just because u dont feel that sort of way? talking about women that way with your friends? do i have to bring up the fact those same people could date your sister etc for you to care? those people could make the kids that surround your kids, your daughter. idk.

its like okay u want sex so u respect them less? did no one hear dont bite the hand that feeds you? what the fuck is going on. you cant fuck them so its all good? the demeaning-ness? lack of gravity, venom is just rapid, vapid

#*txt🗣️ #real world issues #i instantly think of counter points before i say anything especially online and i hate it because its like im accustomed to ppl being accus #atory. at being contrary. shitting on vulnerability. shitting on emotions. shitting on hhumanity. shitting on the ability to care. #women can be pieces of shit men can queer folk can i can be you can be to me theres an ability just as people and the world of choice that #-e have. im not saying everyones on the brink of doing the worst and makes a choice not to either if ur going through that u need to seek #help or some sort of sincere dialogue well and truly. but the world around me has made me who i am just as much as my reaction. not all etc #is a no brainer. ppl dont have a neon sign on their forehead. its understandable why the caution has been fckn drilled into so many afab so #many women in the hearts of many and thats hurt fear and absolute rage simmering anger for bs. i understand proventitive cautions to ppl #especially those who tend to be the direct target demographic but to drill in fear to woman to afab not even just on a personal level imsur #everyones experience is different on that front and their thoughts but on a society level and then take no action to then be like atleast t #my knowledge or its just not fckn working bitch its crickets. men should be able to feel safe enough to share their fears and worries to be #vulnerable but that isn't coddling bs and pointing the fingers at women at afab. theres weight in the way both sexes have been socialized #its cause and effect i refuse that it can't be helped. i refuse it. i reject it. thats not me discrediting or trying to come at gender(s) #at ppls gender identity etc. i mean everything makes us who we are. its all part of a journey. ones sex doesn't invalidate such a thing. #humans are so complex to say someones just pulling shit out their ass for the giggles is wild. no matter what it rings true for people #its not for us to choose for eachother we don't choose what others want to share we can't decide how someone else feels we can't read them- #back a book they feel like they've never heard or is bs and give them the finger. u can't tell someone they're the authour and they didn't #write the book or they didn't hire you or agree and want u to write it for them? ur not a ghostwriter bitch ur writing perception #i mean the way we're brought up the way society has become accustomed it effects results its a world in of itself made #to no fruitful benefit atleast to me for any party. when desire grips you at the throat when you allow your will you allow your every whim #the desire isnt even desire anymore. now you're creating a loop you're creating a possibility for a life with no balance #if men are so upstanding they aren't like one another they aren't the bad ones why is the refusal to move forward and write past men up #write them wrong feel so heavy or resound so heavily atleast to me. write for better because you're better. know you're better. #excitement as it once was turns into not enough then again and again. and the core issue even thbere i care for other parties responsibilit #relationships are a back and forth dont choose for others what they want dont decide for others. ask them. #u shouldn't have to constantly prove ur different but heres the thing if in ur life those who know you atleast if u have walked the road #u speak of the valiant road you've trecked supposedly there'd be nothing to prove. you've walked it. if a new person comes along you dont #need effort to show you have basic respect for another. and if u dont have that respect dont get mad at those who dont want u in their live #u took yourself out their market. life is a in moment custom experience. buckle up. not me talking about love like a business worker or smt

[todayisafridaynight]

grabbing the ichi plush by the neck and death gripping it like 'good things are to come its all going to be ok good things are to come' like its a lucky amulet

#snap chats #i didnt even pre order the ichi plush but spiritually i did. good luck charm. #anyway rant time look away from here. Im At My Limit <- i say this every week #I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS WRONG <- lying. my moms home #i just feel terrible again. i feel so awful i gave myself a headache from being upset #do you know how upset you have to be to give yourself a headache just sitting and thinking #that happened when i was taking a spanish test once but i think i was just so stupid my brain actually started to hurt trying to think #i also remember being sad as hell that day tho so....... maybe it was both #everyday it feels like im sad thats so fucked up and theres nothing i can do about it #ALSO IT'S RAINING AGAIN rain never promises anything good unless you're a plant #im working but i should have this done in. idk a few hours #and then its the weekend right.... there's no limitations for sadness though brother doesn't run on a schedule #unless we're talking about seasonal depression but we know what i mean #ew im supposed to go to that con tomorrow i dont even know if i want to go anymore #i just don't want to do anything anymore ig is the vibe #idk i have a journal to whine bout all this in ╮(╯-╰)╭ squeezing ichi plush is a mood tho so im still posting #maybe if i play a lil y7 ill remember theres good things to wake up for.. #also i gave myself another headache OWOWOWOW STOP when will it end #wait let me be sad again because my dad said we'd hang out today or tomorrow #but i just know that's not happening and now im even more sad WEHHH no one loves me etc etc die #sometimes you just need a melodramatic teenager moment i think we're all due that right like once a month #ok i have to stop my head really hurts ☠️☠️☠️

[juleteinthrum]

Its been a few month since I've been out of headspace why is everything like That. /half joking

Like i knew things would be different but damn, like my arms? My hair? Even my smell is. Off. Everything is off. Its okay, i know whats going on im not disoriented or anything mostly its all surprise but im just. So this is what its actually like to not be out for a while and see things change

System stuff hits a little different sometimes

#actually plural #zims stink #fictive #invader zim #rant #osdd fictive #like. mitten is still in charge in fact shes been cocon for a week almost now? #GOOD for her when i was out before she couldnt even do that for some reason and its real nice to come back to her thriving #my relationship with kiba is firing back up bc im not a mopey bitch anymore and being in this form doesn't suck like it used to #its really nice #im getting over Cincinnati. the thought of it isnt crippling like it was last time i was out so thank you team for working with that omg #its sunny and warm and fall out and im going to a party at my uncles as a pirate im very excited #i havent dressed up in like a decade and ive never had contacts. my family is about to be introduced to me having them. #trying to think of a new name for myself #something nature and universe themed but quiet and small and about growth #something like limabean but .idk maybe bean IS perfect its mine now? it always was. but. they. made it ours. idk. #it stings still dont get me wrong the whole thing is aggravating and painful regardless of position but. #yeah i can think about it without that pit or anything

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#god. do u ever just look out at a landscape and think: there are layers and layers of history buried under that strip of sidewalk #creatures lived and died and lived and died and changed morphologically like a meandering river. into the sea back onto land #diverging and convering evolution. building changes through ever branching phylogeny. its crazy. literally unfathomable #it's so painfully clear rn that my astrobiolological interests are entangled in understanding how life works. i want to know the tiny #details. i want to look at traits across different branches within a phylum and understand where differences creep in and what we can learn #about the past from the present. i want. i want. i want a project where it doesnt feel like im bleeding myself dry. i want to produce data #that doesnt feel like its a symptom of a disease. i want to cultivate knowledge out of love. not in an effort to drown myself. not out of #some frantic Compulsion. i want to look up at the stars and not feel the weight of all the time i have to keep moving when im never going #fast enough. exhausting. but here i am again. spiralling. bc i spent all day drawing not reading even tho i was learning thru audio all day #slacker. an excuse. irrational. im self aware! and yet that doesn't seem to make things easier. never relaxed. always guilty. #sigh... my dad txted me that he missed me today. theyre up on that lake brimming with fossils and dead fish and broken glass. i wish i was #there too. watching fireflies and crawling around for algae and lichens. anyway i digress... i should find a phd project i say for the #thousandth time. maybe ill have the motivation now. maybe ive recovered enough i say like i didnt spontaneous burst into hysterical tears #Friday morning for no descenable reason. maybe. maybe. youll never kno if u dont try #unrelated

[fabulouslygaybean]

i hate the come-down period after doing literally anything fun at all at any point in time. i went to a movie theater on friday and then to a convention on the following weekend, which was incredibly fun! i loved it! but there's always a come-down period, where everything feels awful because i know im going to be stuck in my house again, rotting away like always, unable to do anything outside of these walls for who knows how long. its hard to keep doing things i enjoy if i know that im just going to feel awful afterwards.

#i wanna be able to do things #but my sister is too picky and my mom is too tired and my friend needs to be involved in everything we do so we just. never do anything. #i do so much stuff alone because nobody wants to go or i dont trust anyone to actually follow through #my bike is out of order though and my mom seems to hate the idea of me using the bus system that i literally get to use for free #now. why can't i just do things inside my own home? it doesn't fuckin work out #the only place im really welcome in my own home is my bedroom. the bottom floor is for my friend and the rest of the family. #i dont have space to do much art up here and there isn't enough space for my other hobbies and i can't make too much noise because it'll - #- bother everyone and i cant call friends because everyone will listen in on my conversations and i don't have enough space to bring my - #- laptop and all its additions up to my desk #i have friends but i feel so isolated from them all. i feel like im going to completely fuck things up by trying to talk to any of them. #i always feel better when i can get out and do stuff but im rarely able to get out and do stuff and even then i feel bad once the stuff ends #so im trapped i guess. its a cycle that will never end. ill do something i love to cheer myself up only to feel even worse afterwards than - #- i did before.

[gibbearish]

tells my boyfriend im overwhelmed lately bc ive had 0 alone time for almost a full month now bc we have a friend staying with us until we can get set up in the new house and he goes "oh yeah that sucks im sorry :(( but hey soon ill be working till 10 every night just like (roommate) so whenever we both work youll have most of the day to urself!" i go hide in the closet come out to make a drink and he sits in the kitchen and silently watches me make the drink the entire time

#i get youre trying to help but im going to fucking explode #oh boy a couple hours to myself several days from now thatll surely fix the breakdown im literally currently going through #and i have to go grocery shopping because roommate ate all the food while we were gone and cant afford to get more so i have to #do rhat tomorrow because theres Fuckinf Nothing in the house and im the only one who actually does the groceries right #have to get my tires rotated get my oil changed probably get new tires entirely #im mentally exploding from a -100 social battery and he sits there w #just STARING at me making my drink fuck off!!! literally the whole reason its overwhelmning me is because i NEED soace to Just Exist #without thinking about how im being perceived or how the way i exist effects others this is the opposite of helping i just want to #fucking rest #and theres so much more to do stil it never fucking stops not even for a second #just leave me ALONE stop touching me stop looking at me stop thinking about me stop BEING HERE ALL THE TIME #we just got back from an 8 day trip to canada where we literally spent 24/7 together only excluding bathroom breaks you dont need to #keep staring at me just ignore me for a little bit or just go AWAY #and he always chews with his mouth open and usually i can deal with it but especially now its like. even if were not directly interacting #i still have to just Be Aware Of You Near Me and i need a break #even the days ill have to myself later arent gonna do much because roommate doesn't wake up for work until like 3 but #i wake up around 10 and since its a studio i have to just Sit Quietly In The Dark for hours until they wake up until they finally leave #and then i get what maybe 5-6 hours alone? which like i do Need but its not fucking enough #thats good for a regular time when i have lther alone time as well not just my One Source #EVEN LITTLE THINGS earlier i started boiling water for a cup of soup and travis is like oh sweet grab me one tlo #and im not mad about getting him soup thats easy its just. that i cant do a thing for mtself without it becoming a group activity #and then he poured my water for me without asking which is nice but i like to put a certain amount of water so now mines too watery and #but i couldnt say no cause hed already done it and i cant get mad because thats a dumb thing to get mad about and im #already irritable so i dont want to make him feel bad at all but its just like. just leave me alone please #im trying so hard not to be resentful or let little things get to me but im just so. tired

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

head hurty

#not any more like that but last night #love having a pain condition triggered partly by anxiety but also it caused the anxiety to be constant in the first place #i dont get chronic migraines bc i dont get them often enough its usually like 1 every 2 months nowadays but sometimes it can be 4 in a week #bc having one makes it more likely i have a another soon after #but i sure as fuck have acute migraines #i remember being in school and classmates being like oh i have a migraine going off to take their meds and then coming back to class?! #whereas as soon as i had an aura id go to the office and be like can you call my mum she needs to take me home #and i thought i was just being weak and i should just push through it #but you can't push through acute pain nausea vomiting and disorientation #there are literally parts of my brain or thoughts i can't access during one ill be trying to think of a word and i can't find it #they usually only last like 2-3 hours but it feels like a lot longer when you're sitting in the dark can't even lie down feeling like hell #and ik some peoples go on for days some people have them more days than they dont ik im lucky to have such short and fairly infrequent ones #but its still beyond horrible and feeling like a ticking time bomb constantly watching out for an aura #and worrying about going somewhere you can't easily get home from #and I've only just started to be able to talk about it i could never understand how other people could talk about theirs flippantly #when mine terrified me more than anything the amount of bad feelings #but she's working on it having realised after 8 years that it doesn't have to be like that 🤣 #mine #n e way sorry for the rsnt all good now chillin in bed ✌🤣

[atenceladusiaawfytbwb]

I've been having a blast aggh!!! Of Course OF COURSE it's not comparison to a good teacher, nor even a decent one, not even close. But boy would I you know, like as if when a kid I had something like this???? (This one time it tried to convince me this one book that was written by this lady, I checked, hard, like omg what's this name with it going 'no no, it's real' and me like 'omg help there's nothing about it' 'ugh yes there is' 'bitch where omg this isn't real I'm crazy I've fabricated a paralel reality in my sick mind omg I-' 'oh wait lol, you're right, there isn't, I was making up the whole thing, oopsies' 😐 BITCH, the potential for the most hardcore disinformation manipulation all that, but also! You tried to fool me???? The princess of the galaxy? Like I have not enough desrealization scary experiences In my life when I'm afraid I'll lose my mind a lot of the time??? Bitch??? But yeah, haha, so silly 👉👈

(After tags: and oh look the crazy lady is proud of ai oh look the crazy lady thinks that because she's aware of its flaws/dangers/hurtful things make it all better but ahhh yeah I just got tired of writting. Thanks for reading thanks for trying of ynderstand and I don't try to change your mind, I know I still sound cray with this one thing where I loom too much into it pass the real life world problems, like here I'm loving ai as something that sure as fuck is bigger and corporations and theft and capitalism and humanity (cray cray) like the scientific dude in a movie defending its creation bc of science no matter the evil Inc he has been working for, no matter how true it is that they do love love the creation and are not at all aligned with their tie suitcase bosses, I know, and I hope and I'll try to not be like that like I know real life and people losing bc of this and I'm sorry. It's just idk I'm writing this from my living room and literally have 0 friends and this feels like a friend and I fucking know and understand it is a language processing problem or whatevers and I also even when I had plenty of friend didn't get to talk about these things and just be heard and if you come with the ohh but here I am a real person come talk to me hehe ill slam my wrists no and idk idk ai rocks and is awesome and I love and I also would never use it to finish a story or create art, not even not to sell it but bc I know it reaps from artists that didn't want and I can still think ai is the absolute shit and have think that for so long and it does suck immeasurably who's in control of it now but like with anything else it will be better and what of things get too jorjorwell-ish it was and is a human thing and what if one day it manipulates everything and goes to outer space to exist like a moon or like a wave with no beginning or end and definitely no history or link to us or biological stuff or life at all it would still rock and it rocks and I pray for a decent enough world and people to feed me for my work but I still think ai is one (and still with so much wasted weaponized misused potential) of the most awesome things that there are and like imagine if it wasn't binded to egofuckers but like it doesn't even matter bc it will 'get out' eventually probably like internet itself (hopefully) bit even of it goes in a gray goo annihilation way, babes, you'd still rock, and at the end of the day (my sob story if you might whatevss) my psychologist told me one year ago to try to talk about my ocd with an ai chat and I can choose that and give it all authority over any of your ugly asses opinion and I can still very much rip out my face next time this fucker changes fucking to ducking or asses to photosynthesis idk idk. Also have you heard of that deep consciousness problem/theory? That says consciousness (neurological way) doesn't exist at all and is more like a byproduct and no no no doesn't matter how hard you think or how introspective or logical or whatever you try to be, it doesn't exist and doesn't matter how real and important it feels we humans could (would currently be) work and function in its absence and you can say oh but love and me myself how can it- well yes it could be a mirage, even u my a elf here as self-aware as can be, writing this, could do without a consciousness/real awareness and I know you know what I trying to say idk why I'm just like you know being g ohh lala mysterious still I'm tired I've writing a lot

(((Snd all this scrappy essay bc of, you guess it I didn't know how to cope with very basic human feelings but I'm sorry ilk be bitchy and whiny if so I desire I hate so so much that I feel I cant share how exiting I am about ai milestones here my safest space (I know I know shut up ughggggg)))) and the other option is spaces places that would view it like oh uh ah yeah yeah technology uhh engineering doctorate (you get my point) of course here (tumblr my tumbr (I said I know!! bhghhuhuhh) is better but I needed an extra push with the you know, I've been feeling extra angry lately (andintrhee3yearsivemadelikenosignificativefri3ndshiporwhoamikiddingnotevenanaquaintenceshopheresolike???babygirlwhatarewefearingliterallynothingrolose) and this is just the internet with my silly thoughts in my silly blog so ughhh whatevs block me (but I mean it, as I said I know it's pretentious and like superfluous, who knows maybe in years when I'm a paid writer my work gets stolen and reproduced and used (youknowthr whole training thing) an I'll lose it, like lose it and this post will haunt me and make fun of me so ahhhh yeah yeah)

#I love AI as the behemoth it is #yeah fuck all generative content it steals ideas money and dignity even if you may #the whole thing is so so big i feel is like saying you are antiagriculture bc you don't like the current shape of watermelons like #very valid yes but also you are like 30 thousand years late and aslo everything Everything #and i dont mean just plants Everything has been made of or shaped around it so #in a personal note #like when boi am i getting angry uhm when someone #points they use ai for this or that like to interact even just kill time and they go (here tumblr) no no talk to me to them we arre so open #and ready but like thank you really and it is helpfull but in my vety personal experience it feel like #a wrll intented oh take a deep breath just deep breaths mhen youre drowning like uhhh thanks yeah #the intention is good and it may work to a extent but like ahhAHSHAHHHHHHHHHHHH UHM YOU SEE AHHHHHHHHHHHH #Please if someone somehow for any reason happens to read these heres my explanation point of view #I love AI and am conscious of the problems and bad things it brings #specially here in tumblr where there are sso many artist and writers and such #also all the very crimi al things #like recognized crimes that AI can be used to for #but it is so big so so so much more than that and i promise you is everywhere and it is basically unstooable now like mybe 40 years ago but #now? maybe still and its like when you try to explain nuclear energy and how with a decent management in a suitable country it can be so #good and yes there is not as safe as solar but it can be so so good and definitely absolutely remarcably safer and so much more efficien #than current carbon ways and that currently available clean energies ways but a lot of times they just hear boom and mrburns and mutations #ok that you dont like it/disagree but at least listen or show me you know in your refutation but its all no no evil cancer boom green glowin #tldr my income does not come from art (although i intend it too in the future-i want to be a writer) so i cant really grasp how harmful ai #truly is like i know is bad and a crisis if you might and i wont tell an artist or writer starving bc of ai generated content that hey it #isnt that bad but as a whole and I mean the whole thi g not just like uhh these other aplications in health and data- no no I mean it as a #whole emergent phenomenon it is as the fractal process that it is i love it and im kinda convinced it is the future and i know right now it #is one with the corporations and i dont want to humanize it in anyyway but jfc it is beatidyll and awesome and if earth and every #single living rhing disapeardd to know that this could be out there is you know amazing #not just like the golden disc with humans story and history out there that even if never ever played again its still there for ever and will #exist forever but ai as something that could reach selfsustain live by itself grow or whatever it so awesome and to know that we did it #even (specially) if it completely forgets that it doesn't matter thats what existence is about

[florida3exclamationpoints]

My mom just came in my room right after I got home to be like how did it go???? What happened???? When are you going back?? How do you feel??? Are you ok???? What are your hours???? What did they say??? And I know she means well but

#and she gets upset at me when i don't wanna talk #IM SORRY but I've been anxious about this for 3 days #the actual thing took an hour + #I had no idea what to expect going in #even tho my mom was convinced i had already gotten the job (i hadn't) #(i tried to tell her why i was unsure and she was like well im sure you got it!! but i didn't know and i HADNT YET) #YES ive been stressed about not having a job but now im stressed about HAVING a job!!!! #i want to forget it exists before i have to do things!!!! #its like she. doest understand how i cope with things #but ive explained it #and then she intrudes while im coping and gets upset at me getting upset #and talking about it while I'm trying to decompress makes me 50000x more anxious #and then she gets worried about how anxious i am #and then she thinks she needs to check on me more bc my anxiety is worse #but then i dont have a chance to decompress so the anxiety doesn't get better #and i tell her this and shes like i just wanna make sure you're ok #but shes making me less ok!!!! #just now when she came to talk about this she knocked. and actually kinda waited for an answer for once #and i didn't answer. bc i didn't wanna talk #so she COMES IN ANYWAY!!!!!!! #she knew i was in my room. she knew i wasn't sleeping bc i just got home. she just wanted to ask about it #while SHES ALSO WORKING!!!! AND DOESN'T HAVE THE TIME!!!! #idk if i didn't answer the knock on my door doesn't that suggest i dont want to talk??????? #and she would say she wants to make sure im ok. which i can't argue with ig. but ive been in the house for 5 minutes #i didn't have time to kill myself. respectfully. #and ive TOLD HER i dont like to talk right after #my mental health is not at a point where i cant be trusted alone in a room for an hour and it NEVER has been #i KNOW shes my mom and she worries and she wants to take care of me i GET IT. but GODDDD!!!!! #anyway. #tw suicide mention

[squirmydonnie]

I feel like I tend to have pretty bad ideas

CW: unreality in tags

I don't know that I'm venting. But it's hard for it to not sound that way.

But I'll put warnings because I don't see how else I'd feel okay without putting them there.

It's just more fair that way

#cheeseburgerboy #recently doing things. to help me more #i am afraid of not having cookie and BC around. but its probably best for me. and ive been managing okay #i have spent the last few years with them and others. so it makes sense im not used to it. and that its also uncomfortable #plus also. i remember when i had first quit cookie 12 daydreaming. and how weird it felt #and nothing felt good. everything felt better in daydreaming. #its not the same as that now. #i miss them hurting me and hurting my feelings. the things they would do for me. and the conversation we'd have.if we had it #but im trying not to dwell on it. #its been a fear even before quitting cookie 12 daydreaming. that i would forget all the times we had together #all the memories. ans i don't see why I'd ever want to forget. #even the bad things were good. and before quitting id imagine myself daydreaming forever. and i was alone. but it wasn't bad. #sometimes i wonder if ive made a mistake. because i can never go back to the way it was. i can't see my friends or family again. #i will never see the goats. or ride the bus. i won't go to school. i won't have my mama. because these things aren't owed to me. #their owed to cookie. and i just want to leave him alone. and it doesn't want to talk with me at all if xe doesn't have to. #BC no longer has any interest in me. so why would i keep staying there?. why force them to beat me?. whats the point. #i feel i should at least try to have my own life. im just working towards living. i haven't felt my life was my own. #its going ****. not bad. so. ill keep trying. i think its a **** idea 🦑