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mypimpademia · 4 years

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Taishiro (Fatgum) and Keigo (hawks) w a black s/o

Fatgum x black!reader x hawks

TW: Swearing, suggestive

TAISHIRO

This man knew he was in love with you from the moment he saw you

Expect him to always be admiring you

He just thinks youre so beautiful

And please wear your natural hair around him

Especially in an afro if you can

And for when you have it done, passion twists or dreadlocks

He just really enjoys wild looks

He'll also touch it a lot as long as you let him

Tells you how beautiful you are and how much he loves you on the daily

Plus kisses on every inch of your body

Please let him do golden hour photo shoots with you🥺

If you dont want to, at least sit by a window for him so he can absolutely worship you

He likes to help you on wash day

He just loves watching your hair go from long, to short, then long again

Buys you all they hair products you need

Always makes sure you're wrapping it or wearing your bonnet before you go to bed

"Did you wrap your hair while I was on patrol last night, gumdrop?"

Believe it or not, hes on of the main ones that gets irked rude and racist comments

They all do, but he definitely gets more mad that some of the others

You were receiving more once you and Taishiro started hanging out to begin with

And when you started dating it only got worse

You mostly ignored them, even if some of them stung, and so did Tai

But you knew more than anyone how mad they actually made them

If he'd been hearing rude and racist comments about you all day and managed to bottle it up, he'll come home and rant while doing things like cooking and picking up around the house

But sometimes, he'll snap at fans

He'll try to keep his words to be less hurtful

But his facial expression and tone could make a grown man cry

"Why is fatgum with a black girl? Did he not think of how his fans would feel? If he really cared, he wouldve had a girl from literally other race."

Since you were out in public surrounded by fans, he'd usually just squeeze your hand and try to wait till you could get home, but today he just wasn't having

"Fans? Youre no fan of mine sayin suff like that about my s/o. Im embarrassed that you left the house in my merch to say things like that about my s/o and her race. You make me, and my fans that are actually good people, look bad."

What he said was sort of in character

But again, his expression and tone were from a whole other person

The girl started crying on the spot, and when the two of you walked passed her and Taishiro mean mugged tf out of her, she ran in the opposite direction

After days like this, he can't even function properly till he gets it out of his system

So he'll mostly pace around and rant, maybe even punch a pillow

Taishiro just really doesn't understand how people could be so hateful to others because their skin is different

And it just makes him want to protect you from the hate of the world even more than he already does

He's probably cried over it more than once because it made him so mad

In cases like this, he pretty much just sits there, stares at a wall, and cries with his brows furrowed together

You try to calm him down and say its not his fault people are like this, and he shouldn't get so worked up over something he can't control

But he just can't help it because he loves you so much and he hates racism and hate speech in general

Summed up, Fatgum loves you

KEIGO

Hes so prideful of you

Literally shows you off every chance he gets

I feel like Keigo has been all over the world so hes seen how black women get treated

So manz had been defending you before yall were even in the talking stage

Of course all of it upsets him, he hates the way people hate on others for things like race and religion

But out of everyone hes the most chill confrontation wise

If he can maintain composure without saying anything, he'll just shoot people this mean ass glare if they say something

If he can't, then he's pretty mild on words too, but they definitely leave a sting on die hard fans

"Really? A black girl? And its her? You could do better. For example: me."

"You? Sorry, wouldn't date you if were the last person on Earth while you're talking about my S/o, and saying racist things like that."

And yet another fangirl running off crying

He really loves your hair

Like almost a little too much

When its natural, he likes to see it with a side parted afro if you can

When you get it done, he likes box braids, goddess braids (cornrows), and dreadlocks

His hands will be in your hair 90% of the time when you cuddle (as long as you let him ofc)

The king of taking golden hour pics

He'll fly you to different places to get a good picture or better lighting, use his feathers to fix your hair or clothes, and fly or even get on the floor to get a better angle

"Just a few more pictures, dove, then we'll be done."

Most likely calls you "golden dove" during golden hour (only if you're okay with it, hes a respectful man)

He literally worships you

Probably spends 2 hours a day just telling you how gorgeous you are

Gives you kisses while he uses his feathers and gives you soft touches

Speaking of his feathers, theyre the perfect tool to cut out old braids with

Like it takes a single second to cut every single braid

Then he'll help you unbraid all of them

And he'll help you wash your hair because like I said, he loves touching your hair

If he travels and has to leave you behind for any reason, he'll bring you back hair products for you to try

When he sees you sleeping without your hair protected, he uses his feathers to wrap it/put your bonnet on for you without waking you up

In conclusion, youre the only god/goddess he'll worship

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erinravenseekerarts · 7 years

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This is the Deal You Made

HEY LOOK I ACTUALLY POST SOMETHING

Alright so this is a Miraculous Ladybug fic I wrote partly inspired by this chapter in seasonofthegeek’s awesome One Hundred MORE Miraculous Drabbles. Also inspired by that one bit in JelloApocalypse's So This is Basically Miraculous Ladybug when he says "ladybubs has the power to be lucky, and catnerd has the power to kill anything he touches."

Also disclaimer don’t trust my science. Yes, I actually do have a degree. In bullshitting.

So yeah this happened. Read on my AO3 or under the cut.

Post on the Ladyblog, Today at 11:03pm.

victory once again!

theLadyblogger another akuma beat by ladybug and chat noir! you two are awesome!! ladybug totes beat ass back ther like omg ur the best herere the snaps i got frm the fight bros attachment: heckyes.pptx but srsly its like 11pm cn hwkmoth plz just take a brkkkkk alredy????

Comments on; victory once again!

cookietime at 11:10pm ladybug isn’t the best, she’s useless without chat noir

curiositykilledthechat at 11:13pm What do you mean? I disagree.

cookietime at 11:14pm i mean ladybug would probably be dead by now if it werent for chat noir

curiositykilledthechat at 11:16pm Don’t say that! Ladybug is definitely capable of taking all these akumas on her own, you know.

cookietime at 11:17pm shes literally cannon fodder w/out chat what are you talking about. i stand by my previous claim shes naive and shed already be dead

curiositykilledthechat at 11:18pm That’s a lie! Ladybug is intelligent, beautiful, and she works incredibly hard to keep the city safe every night! That’s more than many people in Paris can do.

cookietime at 11:20pm whatever. she wouldve died tonight if it werent for chat noir. dont even try to convince me otherwise.

theLadyblogger at 11:21pm the heck is goin on here!?!??!!?!?!!1?!?? this is blASPHEMY

Marinette didn’t even dare to look at the next response, closing the tab. Of course Alya had to arrive then. Marinette’s honestly surprised she hasn’t been banned yet for all the times she’s ‘blasphemed’ or whatever about Ladybug. Maybe that’s just her best friend privileges speaking.

Her phone buzzes. Probably Alya. She doesn’t even care right now, flopping back onto her bed, pulling a pillow over her head, and screaming into it. She’s so tired, it’s one of those days, and she just can’t handle it right now. Not with the late-night akuma attack, with her friends throwing praise at her alter ego all the time, not when she really doesn’t deserve it. Sometimes it’s fun, but on days like this she only fights because she’s the only one who can.

She doesn’t move as the trapdoor above her bed squeaks a little, as a small gust of the chilly night air outside puffs into the room, as a weight lands and makes itself comfortable on her bed. She feels like if she lifts the pillow off her head she’ll scream or sob and she can’t do it. Not when he’s come to visit her on a night like this. He didn’t have to argue with her online, he didn’t have to break out at almost midnight, and he certainly didn’t have to jump rooftops in the cold just to make sure she would be okay.

Marinette resists the urge to punch something, probably herself, as slivers of green light filter past her shut eyelids. She can hear Plagg muttering and the sound of a drawer opening, likely the small cat getting at the camembert she always keeps there for him. When she feels the pillow being pulled at a little, she only holds it tighter.

“Mari,” Adrien says quietly, and she lets out a sob. She’s shaking, she knows, and he scoops her up into his arms as she cries and her pillow leaves her face and all she can do is latch onto him. Either one of them could’ve died tonight and it’s just so hard to think straight and here she is, breaking down when she really shouldn’t and it’s just so difficult to keep going on like everything is normal when it really isn’t. She can’t go to school tomorrow, and she has no doubt Adrien would just stay here and play games with her for the whole day if she didn’t force him to go.

“It’s okay,” he shushes, and she knows she can hear Tikki and Plagg talking in the background but all she can focus on is how tight her grip on the front of Adrien’s shirt is because if she lets her mind any further than what is immediately in front of her she’ll snap completely. “We’re okay.” She ignores the buzzing of her phone by her leg. Alya’s either mad, or worried, or both, but she can’t care right now.

It seems like ages before Marinette's able to pull away just a little, forcing her breathing to even. Adrien still won’t budge, keeping her in a close hug. God knows she needs it.

“You didn’t have to come,” she says eventually, body completely under control once again. She pulls away. “I’ll have been fine eventually.”

“Nonsense, bug. What kind of partner would I be then?” he gives her an empathetic smile. “Besides, we both have our days. At least I can be here for you.”

More tears are going down Marinette’s cheeks but now she’s smiling faintly. She’s pulled back into the hug and honestly, there’s nothing else she wants right now.

If the next day is spent napping and cuddling and playing video games and definitely not at school, who’s to judge?

Breathing is hard.

Skeletal muscles attach to bones and move according to messages from the nervous system. One such muscle is the diaphragm, the muscle that facilitates the breathing process by expanding and contracting the space inside of the lungs, creating a vacuum that is quickly replaced by air via the bronchial tubes.

Moving is hard.

Fatigue slows the central nervous system, causing difficulties in reaction time and movement speed. As muscles typically involved in all types of movement are skeletal muscles, they rely on the central nervous system to pilot them.

Keeping one’s tired heart together is hard.

Scientifically speaking, hearts themselves cannot break. They aren’t made of a brittle substance, they are muscle. However hearts, unlike other muscles, cannot tire. They consist of a special muscle called cardiac muscle, which contains up to 35% mitochondria, supplying the heart with a nigh-limitless amount of energy. While the heart does not tire naturally, it isn’t impossible for it to tire. By the point that it does, serious damage has already been done to the fibres.

The bright screen hurts his eyes in the darkness of his room. His hands are shaking. Plagg is asleep. He doesn’t want to wake the exhausted kwami. The Ladyblog is open on his computer and he can’t keep writing. Alya’s probably pissed.

curiositykilledthechat at 9:47pm Chat Noir doesn’t even do anything useful.

theLadyblogger at 9:51pm wat the heck u talkin about?!??!?!?????

curiositykilledthechat at 9:53pm I mean, Ladybug always carries the fights. She’s the one who always fixes everything.

cookietime at 9:54pm that doesn’t mean chat noir isn’t helpful!

theLadyblogger at 9:54pm chat noir protects ladybug and makes it so she can fix everythin tho!!!

curiositykilledthechat at 9:56pm All he does is destroy things and put people in danger.

Adrien's vision is blurry. When did he start crying? He can’t read the messages on the Ladyblog. It probably doesn’t matter. His phone buzzes. Several times. Then it rings. He doesn’t pick it up, doesn’t move from his spot in the chair at his desk. When a cold gust of wind hits him he faintly thinks When did my window open? before two arms wrap around his shoulders from behind. Ah. Then. The window is always unlocked anyway. His hand grips the arms tightly, and he doesn’t protest when they urge him up and move him over to the couch to sit down. He still doesn’t look. There’s a flash of pink light as the window is shut, then footsteps make their way to him.

“Shhhhh, it’s alright,” Marinette sits down beside him and pulls him into a hug. She runs her hands through his hair as he silently struggles to control his breathing. He’s leaning heavily on her, but she doesn’t complain. He’s always leaning on her, always being a burden, always messing things up and endangering her and being controlled and destroying everything.

“Quiet now, kitty,” she whispers as he opens his mouth to say something, anything, and he buries his face further into her shoulder. His hands are shaking but he’s stopped crying now, at least.

“All I do is destroy things,” he gets out meekly after a few minutes. Marinette hums.

“What about us? You’re always saving me. You were the one to ask me out,” she replies gently.

“I’m scared,” he’s almost whispering now. “I have the power to destroy everything I touch. I do destroy everything I touch.” It’s barely audible now. “What if I destroy someone?”

“I’ll know you never meant to,” comes the steady reply. He knew that would be the answer. He just can’t believe Marinette would trust him so deeply and entirely. Because it’s happened before, that he’s tried to use Cataclysm on a person. She told him so; he’d pulled it on her during the Dark Cupid incident. He feels sick. The power to destroy whatever he touches, to kill people so easily, is terrifying to wield. He feels like he shouldn’t have this responsibility, no matter what Plagg or Tikki say. He can’t trust himself enough.

They spend a little longer in silence until Adrien is almost falling asleep on Marinette’s shoulder, calmed and purring quietly. Side effects of being Chat Noir. She eventually huffs and nudges him up.

“Come on, sleepy kitty, we have a test tomorrow and I need my beauty sleep too.” Adrien protests faintly as she leaves. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Is that okay?”

Adrien nods. “Yes. I’m okay.”

Alya and Nino are worried about their friends, sure. Sometimes the happiness seems forced, too-wide smiles and very quick "i’m fine"s followed by a change in subject. They’re better around each other, though. Marinette is less frantic when near Adrien, and Alya suspects she’s just acting all flustered and stuff now. Adrien seems less tense around Marinette, more comfortable in his own skin.

Alya and Nino know they aren’t part of whatever seems to be going on in their best friends’ lives. They know no matter how much they wish they could change the circumstances, know and be part of it, it’s something they can’t be privy to.

Whatever’s wrong, they’re glad those two have each other.

End.

#erinravenseekerart #fanfiction #miraculous ladybug #adrien x marinette #marinette cheng #adrien agreste #adrienette #angst #emotional hurt/comfort #post-identity-reveal #basically these children are sad #excuse me while i basically just copy the tags from the AO3 upload #help #too many tags wth #I'm posting this at 10:30pm

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

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Ali & Carly

Ali: Heyo boo Ali: thanks for Rocky wrangling with me today, you're now also his fave so, add that to your tally Carly: its k i had fun Carly: hes a cutie & cool kid Ali: me too Ali: yeah, he's alright, but cocky enough so I ain't telling him Ali: dunno where he gets that from 😏 Carly: ha Carly: yea idk Carly: no clue Ali: i'm sorry Ro was being off btw, I'm working out why but trust it wasn't you, babe Ali: been neglecting her lately, everyone wants a piece of me Ali: hard life Carly: idc its me too Carly: nobody wants a piece but you Ali: I just told you that ain't true, and Rocky is ruthless, he called one of my customers a 'big bum witch' the other day Ali: no tip for me, thanks dickhead Ali: but I want all of you regardless Ali: willing to throw hands Carly: aw Carly: this town is full of big bum witches tho Carly: my ma back for one Carly: but are you willing to use those hands for good too or Ali: awks if that was your Ma, like hey gurl, I think you rock it Ali: your daughter ain't bad either Ali: you know it, IOU 'cos we couldn't make like we were in the backrow of the cinema Carly: unless she been lying about where she at i think youve avoided meeting the in laws again Carly: k cuz you kno i need to collect soon Carly: bored Carly: just back and zoned out so fast Ali: ain't even got exciting stories from their galavanting? fucking rude Ali: at least when we go AWOL we also go wild Ali: make things happen, lads Carly: my ma's good for nothing but hairspray and peroxide Carly: only use if i get beat up again Carly: my da's good for cash tho if you wanna get wild w me Ali: or you wanna single white female me Ali: which would be a disappointing outcome to say the least Ali: can't tonight babe, I've gotta have some sister time Ali: go hard for both of us Carly: k Carly: try not to miss me bad when shes talking about me Ali: oh babe, she will not, and if she does I'll set her straight Ali: gonna let the world know you're my 😇 Carly: whatever her issue shes gotta air it and youre her sister so you gotta hear it Carly: idc shes not gonna hurt me w it Carly: and setting peeps straight is the opposite of how you do, babe Ali: true Ali: idk what issue she could have though, you're a literal ray of sunshine Ali: true again 😏 Ali: ugh, imma miss you Ali: maybe i can sneak out when she's gone to bed, the 'rents too Carly: i miss you now Carly: cant hear my parents say shit Carly: i just wanna talk to you Carly: dont tell me maybe & keep me waiting tho Ali: i will Ali: promise Carly: i dont wanna make trouble for you Carly: w anyone Carly: you can stay w her if you need to stay Ali: You won't Ali: I can do both Ali: be back before first light Ali: even if I'll miss watching the sun rise on your face 😔 Ali: we've got the night, baby Carly: but you kno if ive got you for the whole night youre gonna fall asleep Carly: thats what im good at Carly: feel free to tell your sister thats why you like me ha Carly: fun & tiring its magic Ali: hmm, we'll see who wears who out first, babe Ali: and if I am that husband, then you'll just have to wake me up with morning sex like the good little wifey you are 😘😂 Carly: always bringing that confidence i like it Carly: k but if my parents wake up too you can explain its a duty thing yea i had to like Ali: i like you Ali: for so many reasons and imma show you all of 'em tonight Ali: fuck that Ali: stay out with me, its warm enough Ali: i'll trace all the constellations out with my tongue so you won't ever forget Ali: educational Carly: my ma is asking me what im blushing about Carly: i told her what you said but she's not a believer Carly: support my education bitch Carly: ha Ali: i mean, i'd offer to let her see the benefits for herself but Ali: not gonna win me any brownie points 'cos she won't take me up on it Carly: she dont kno what she's missing but i do Carly: wish you were here Ali: me too Ali: start the party without me babe, i don't mind Carly: too late if you do Carly: gotta get through this reunion some way Ali: they aren't making you watch a slideshow, are they? Ali: fate worse than death Ali: Maybe you could go to Ronan's? Lmao, he's been up in my pussy way too much since he found out about us...didn't think we were THAT loud but ok boy Carly: yea Carly: might do cuz same Carly: but what if i miss you he can really make a night of it when he wants Ali: Nah, I won't let you face that disappointment, babe Ali: my spidey senses will tingle like not on my watch, fuckboy Carly: aw Carly: you gonna come get me? Carly: thats no way to get him out your pussy babe fyi Ali: yeah Ali: I know but I like the idea of showing you off as mine Ali: but no sharing, he only gets to watch and be mad he fucked it up Carly: i like it too Carly: youre hot when youre oneupping fuckboys Carly: i thought i knew how to do it best but k youre flipping the script Ali: as long as i'm besting them i'm doing my job right Ali: gotta keep you on-board Carly: speak of the devil Carly: how he know i was alone & horny Carly: my parents have only gone to the shops its uncanny Ali: know your neighbours but bit stalkerish, pal Ali: i'll text him to fuck off, freak him out Ali: how does she know, ha, two can play this game fucko and I'm more committed Carly: ha Carly: you gotta Carly: hes smoking im gonna bum one see what line he tries to lay on before the text sends Ali: On it Ali: gotta let him know there's a queue to court the princess now and he's at the back, soz Carly: he likes hitting it from the back he wont be put off Carly: im gonna show him some of the hot pics i took of you tho Ali: when is he ever tbf? 🐶👅💦 Carly: true Carly: that fucking cute tho aren't i Ali: you know it babe Carly: hes talking to my da now Carly: kill me Ali: how fucking dare he Ali: knowing he has the upper hand with the man bants Ali: i know how to change a tire too! love me! Carly: if my ma invites him in for tea im out of here Carly: she will think hes hot under the collar for her & bitch thats my groundwork Ali: Run baby run Ali: what kinda moron is he tho Ali: coulda had a private show if you just waited, now its all saturday night telly and flat lager Carly: you kno i have nowhere to go if you dont want me babe Carly: facts Carly: he likes me now he cant have me what a fucking Carly: like i wouldve fucked you but im not getting w you Ali: i do, is this full sos crisis mode though? 'cos i need to be good for a lil while longer yet Ali: such a typical bloke move that Ali: bet he ain't the only boy in ur inbox, not a pun Ali: 'cos he ain't in mine like 🙄 Carly: its k your sister needs you Carly: i can keep walking Carly: loads of other lads on site as well as in my inbox Carly: & they arent trying to say hi to me before we get down to it nevermind my parents Ali: 😾 Carly: why so sad blue eyed boo Ali: i don't like how lads treat you Ali: i'm not jealous, like swear to god, even though i obviously want you all to myself, i get it Ali: but i'm not about how shit they are to you, even if you don't care, they should care to be decent humans Carly: thats not lads its everyone Carly: youre the only one treating me different Carly: they dont know how else to be Carly: made my bed babe Ali: nah Ali: you don't deserve half the shit you get, that's bullshit Ali: and even the rest, people just don't wanna try to understand or be good, heaven forfend they inconvineince themselves for one second, like Carly: if im a slag im a slag i dont get to put conditions on it Carly: if it was a film maybe Carly: but theres no romance coming my way from theres and i dont want it Ali: why can't you just be you? someone who likes fucking, among other things Ali: not romance just like...not being a cunt Ali: idk Ali: pisses me off Carly: cuz you don't run the world even tho you strut it like you do and i love it Ali: not yet, babe Ali: one day, and you can be my right hand woman Carly: yea? Carly: take me w you & ill take you to all your fave places k Ali: k Ali: we'll be fun forever, I promise you Carly: gotta be Ali: you know i like you even when you ain't tho Ali: don't tell Carly: who would i Carly: ronans got enough for his wank bank & nobody else is chatting to me rn Ali: exactly, ruins the illusion and fantasy when they realise i care about you Ali: so unsexy of me Carly: youre sexy to me Carly: idc what they think Ali: good Ali: me either Carly: i like you too you kno Ali: yeah Ali: i had my suspicions Carly: i dont have any subtlety sorry about it Ali: Don't be Ali: I love it Ali: not enough people say what they mean or want, ever Carly: waste Carly: k i wasnt shouting how bad i wanted to kiss you before i did but not cuz i was bothered about me Ali: agreed Ali: sometimes you can't know you want something until you've got it Ali: i get it Carly: you get me Carly: its weird Ali: 🔮 Carly: ha Carly: k what am i thinking now Ali: wouldn't be proper to say Ali: tut tut bad girl Ali: like how you think though Carly: fuck Carly: youre good Ali: 🤷 don't mean to brag but remember that phrase you'll be screaming it later Ali: such a Ronan line, I can't 😂 Carly: but true Carly: not like when he says it Ali: 😍 Carly: what you doing w your sister Carly: gotta live through that cuz bored Ali: Fixing my weave Ali: getting into a white girl dread territory over here Ali: then gonna do some 🔮 forreal Ali: get ready for me to be even more of a know it all baby Carly: cute Carly: tell me my future i got some shit from another neighbor & im waiting for it to kick Carly: hows it gonna treat me Carly: needing a good trip Ali: we'll see who gets the answer first Ali: you got anything for me? Carly: yea Carly: they mystery but i kno you arent scared Carly: & you got me doing a test run rn lying on here on the grass Ali: 🌌 be there before it fades away my space explorer Carly: if you find me at a bad end prob dont take it Ali: is one of the lads trip sitting you Carly: so he reckons but hes drinking so theres no trust Carly: & he gave me it Carly: his game could be me lights out idk Ali: keep texting me, okay babe? Ali: if shit gets too real, tell me and I'll come early Ali: my sis is cool now, she gets what we're doing, she was just confused Carly: aw Carly: youre sweet Carly: you told her you like me Ali: 'course I did Ali: I ain't ashamed Ali: I'm proud Carly: youre gonna make me cry Ali: You're special, Carly Ali: You're gonna see Carly: I just wanna see you tho Ali: Me too Ali: I'm gonna make her some chamomile tea and then I'm coming, yeah? Carly: but thats not fair to her Carly: she's not gonna be a fan of me Ali: I've promised her more time tomorrow Ali: You need me rn Carly: but what if i want you to stay Carly: what are we gonna do then Ali: i'll stay until you're ready for me to go Carly: you mean that? Ali: yes Ali: promise, imma take care of you Carly: but theres nothing in it for you Carly: youve already got me you dont have to Ali: i wanna keep you Ali: and not just selfishly Ali: you gotta stick around, you're too cool to go anywhere, okay Carly: k Carly: im here & if you wanna be im not stopping you Ali: good Ali: i wanna be wherever you are Carly: i kept you pills back the lads didnt want me to but idc about them & you can follow me in now Ali: fuck them Ali: just me and you Carly: yea Carly: ill look after you too Ali: 😇 Ali: i know, i trust you Carly: idk if you should Carly: but i like it Ali: willing to take my chances Ali: you're worth it Carly: thats you Ali: i'm so glad i met you Carly: me too Carly: not that i met me thats weird Carly: you know what i mean Ali: i got you Ali: not high yet 😉 Carly: id seen you around before you guardian angel'd me that night Carly: thats weird too Carly: that i didnt see you how i do now Ali: it is Ali: you were always cute but Ali: idk, i can't claim to have seen this in my crystal ball Carly: thats cuz i wasnt cute i was a state Carly: & youd have more likely seen me sucking ronans dick Carly: look away babe you dont need to have that image in your mind Ali: don't need him reckoning he plays part in any of my fantasies, nah Ali: you can't not be cute, no matter how you try, soz babe Carly: you can't not be so sweet to me can you Ali: dunno Ali: not tried Carly: idk what id do if you did Carly: i got used to it Ali: got no plans to stop Ali: unless you ask me to, like Carly: thats not gonna be what i ask you to do Carly: trust me Ali: you can tell me all about it Ali: 5 minutes, tops Carly: okay

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a-heartlessromantic-blog · 4 years

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Fast Forward to Hell

Imported from other blog - written 12/2/19:

while it may come as no surprise to you, the realizations i've finally come to, they were certainly a blow that hit me with a force i couldn't have begun to prepare for. to put it as simply as possible? I love you, still. I miss you indescribably. I am so proud of you and jealous too. I love seeing you -albeit only in pictures- as a father, like I always dreamed I'd make you be. I hate it as much though because you're a father to children that didn't come from you and me. I hate you for becoming the man I needed you so desperately to be, but only after I couldn't wait any longer for you to be him. I'm happy for you because you do look so stupidly happy. But I may never forgive you for the fact that that happiness isn't with me. It may never could have been though. The way you look in the pictures I've seen of you and her, and those kids, is how I know that the hardest decision I ever made was the right one, for at least one of us. Because even though when I made it, i thought i was making the choice that was right for me, that would bring me to the happy ending I wanted so badly, i'm still glad i made it, because it brought you to the place you were meant to be, turned you in to the man i always knew you could be - that you were all along - and helped get you to the woman you now love the way you once loved me. or actually that's unfair. the love you have for her is entirely separate and is a different and more real love all on its own. our love was all consuming - which i mean in a good way and a bad way - and it was everything i ever dreamed of --- until it wasn't. until it stopped. until i stopped or you stopped or we both stopped, i don't know. i guess i never will. but i know now that in having to let go of you so suddenly and so completely, i had to push away all the happiness and love and focus on the pain and heartache just to get through it. and i'm glad i did because as idiotic as it may be, it helps me feel like maybe i gave you some small gift by donig all that that lead you to the happiness i always dreamt of for you. that just maybe i am still one of the tiniest pieces of the puzzle of your life that brought you to your real happiness. i dont mean that we werent happy, because we were. and when we were happy, we were stupidly so. i have nothing i can even compare it to. just like i have no way to describe the void its absence has created in me either. ive thought i was happy at times since you, in spite of you, but those times never last.. because they weren't ever built on anything real. no one has, can, or ever will know me the way you did. i wont let them. not intentinlly, but beause im utterly unable to be that open to another human being ever again. ill never share my life with another person like i did with you or see myself through someone else's eyes like i could through yours.

it's been over 3 years now and i've finally let it all go - the pain and heartache, the anger, and confusion. it doesn't matter anymore to me why you did the things you did or why i did or how we got there or what we could've done differently. i regret it so much that i couldn't find a way to fix us but keep us together but i think our ending was what you truly needed to be the man you are now. i think i probably turned into a shitty version of myself while you were becoming your best you. i did so much stupid shit that i can't take back and some i'm still doing. soem i dont know how to get away from or turn my back on. people included. i can see things and people for what they are and acknowledge that i would be better off without them in my life but i can't make myself do the necessary things to set that in motion. not least because i can't handle being alone again. that nearly killed me every day. not just beig alone but being alone and without you. and the thought of doig tht all over again - being alone without you and now without even a best friend to see me through it all - is apparently too much for me to stand to bear because otherwise i wouldve done it by now.

maybe i dont know how to be alone. i only ever wanted to be a wife and mom, so it's ironic that a wife is what i'm worst at, and even god thought i'd be a bad mom so he didn't let me become one. another ironic thought is that i am what ruined us, ruined you. i brought out the parts of you that ultimately broke us in the end. and while i was running away from all thigns that even resembled those about you, i ran into g. and then i did it to him too. ha. amazing right? but this isnt about him. this is about me and you. words i never thought i'd say again.

the truth is though that lately i cannot get you off my mind. i miss you, your laugh, your ability to not take life too seriously, to make me less in my head, how you were

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