#but i have no idea if ppl would feel weird abt it

[deanpinterester]

if you bought something from me and in the envelope it's packaged with a slightly rumpled / reused paper bag are you:

a) annoyed, because good presentation is important! and it feels weird to get second hand stuff

b) ambivalent, because it's just the outer packaging that's gonna get thrown away anyway. who cares as long as the merchandise itself is fine

c) glad, because reuse reduce recycle babey

#uhhhh me #i have a lot of paper bags that i want to reuse #but i have no idea if ppl would feel weird abt it #i wish there was a poll option on here #and why does this sound like a uquiz question

[puppyeared]

i feel shy talking here when i dont have anything worth sharing but i cant help feeling like ive said things in the tags that could be brought up in court

#im joking #i think i just get embarrassed saying smth that most ppl can see out in the open. its like when prey animals are grazing in a pasture #and then they hear a twig snap yk. im like that. but talking in the tags is more comfortable because it just feels more.. hidden?? quiet??? #its kind of like how i prefer responding thru asks than DMs.. idk if it has something to do with space or less pressure #i also use these as an excuse to ramble a little abt recent events so. ive worked a little bit on shuffle and prestos backstories ^_^ #i was thinking abt giving them a shared past where they knew each other as kids and forgot but i also though hmm.. idk if it would drive th #story i want bc i think itd be better if they bonded over similar experiences instead of the fact that they knew each other before. i get #that reconnecting and reconciling your idea of someone now and then is a good concept but id have to think abt it.. i dont want it to feel #like they owe each other to be friends again just bc they were as kids. ive experienced that a lot and all it did was make me feel guilty #so i think id want to write it as u can be friends with someone who had similar experiences and make u wish you knew each other then #i also know theyd hate each other but idk HOW. i suck at writing conflict so idk if theyd try to make each other eat glass and why #idk if itll ever come up but id also like to see if theres a way i could rationalize why they have animal ears.. normally i say aliens #but ive had an idea for a species and background for that too. although its very abstract and it probably has a lot of holes #smth abt peoples souls attaching themselves to smth they identify with.. although i dont know to what extent like if it can #be called a sona or if it can even be smth mythical like a unicorn or god itself.. its very weird rn #yapping #oc talk

[snekdood]

bitches be like. i hate vegans so much that i’ve decided i like killing animals and its fine and i dont feel bad and animals dont have feelings and its fine and im cool subversive and different and edgy and like to post fucked up stuff to make vegans uncomfortable bc im just so cool

#you sound like every cishet republican man to me #you're not a Cool Subversive Leftist you're literally regressing by seeing animals as just objects of your pleasure and thats it lmao #im sorry but you dont just get to throw out all of veganism. it does infact have some roots in leftism. #you can sit there and cope with the fact you agree w some vegan talking point by calling it 'animal welfare' all you want #doesnt change the fact that a lot of those ideas in those circles were formed by vegans. #damn woooah vegans arent a monolith and dont all agree on the same shit woooahhh who knew #literally i have no idea how we even got to this point or how this would be surprising. #when i was on vegan twitter bitches were arguing all the fucking time within it. ur really gonna sit ther en tell me they're all secret #eco fash that hates native ppl and people who have to eat meat? ya sure??? #you would think the individuals on tumblr- of all places- would understand how frustrating it would be to be grouped in with the worst #members of their community as if you represent them and are the sole spokesperson #you'd think they'd hate when someone jumps to conclusions about them based on their lifestyle #but naur. i think yall take it too personally. as if a vegan just being in a room is somehow trying to force you to be vegan. #literally grow tf up. #if a vegan being in the same room with you triggers feelings in you that you Have to stop eating meat- i really think thats a you problem #bud. homeboy hasnt even spoke to you leta lone look at you and apparently you feel this weird pressure now #idk man dont you think that pressure might be coming within?? maybe.... you do infact feel things and feel a lil guilty abt eating meat? #not telling you to stop... i still eat meat here n there. but at least im honest with myself about how it makes me feel to do it. #its infact normal to take a second to think about the loss someone made in exploitation to provide you with whatever. #if you can let yourself feel a lil guilt about buying a fast fashion thing you can sure as fuck finally extend your fuckin empathy to #animals and stop treating them like objects or toys.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#im still procrastinating so bear with me #ive just been thinking abt something. like the idea of a support system #bc as a 1st year grad student ppl around me r like: it must be hard being away from ur support system or ive left my support system when i #moved halfway across the country. and like i dont really feel that way bc idk the idea of a support system is sorta odd to me #like for me i guess it would just b my parents who i kno love me but im just so weirdly asocial that i never really talk to them #like i hardly ever text them. we talk maybe every couple months. so like i guess i theoretically have support but its a bit abstract #and like i have friends i guess but again im a bit weird and dont really feel connected to ppl so i dont feel that close to anyone #surface level friendships i guess. i dunno. i just feel weird not not having a support system but also having it b hollow #i guess i cant feel it more now. like i feel like getting diagnosed as bip0lar made my problems seem more realized to my parents #like i dunno i just assumed they knew i was doing awful most of the time but maybe that wasn't the case #its such a weird thing to b diagnosed with. like the conotations feel a lot heavier and i feel like im not supposed to talk abt it to ppl #bc theyll think im unreliable or something. like it wouldnt b that big a deal if i was just depressed but the sometimes buring out of my #skin makes me somehow scarier. and i still feel conflicted bc i do have a bip0lar mood profile but i have very very high impulse control #and even when im going high my mind is still super rational about it. which seems weird bc low impulse control is common with #the diagnosis. its also y i dont fit an 4dhd profile. not that it really matters. i fit the criteria enough to be on the bip0lar spectrum #its not like someone's gonna come yell at me for not being bip0lar enough. i just feel odd about it is all #still feels fake i guess. hard to imagine feeling any different to how i feel now. which is weirdly stable. so i guess the meds r working #sigh... ok enough i need to go to sleep at 7pm so i can get up at like 2 to finish reading a paper. for some reason my god forsaken brain #works better in the early morning rip #unrelated

[cruelsister-moved2]

all the trans women in my notes talking abt their experiences being expected/pressured to top it's actually so frustrating that even other lgbt ppl act this way when it comes down to it im going to scream what are we doing to our beautiful queens-_-

#i have personal beef w the idea of being expected to top so it's making me genuinely upset #but I just fr feel like. as a result of a lot of ppls like weird misogynistic ideas abt bottoming #they assume that if u bottom ur like the 'powerless' one in the situation #and therefore what ur doing can't be like coercive or manipulative or an -ism #whereas we would all (well. I thought before seeing some of the tags on this poll) recognise how bad it is to expect someone to bottom #but actually if anything outside of bi girls with cishet bfs #so if it's another lgbt person doing it. being expected to top seems more common than the other way around based on ppls tags #a lot of ppl topping who don't want to #so. your country needs you. to top a trans woman

[bo0zey]

Did I miss "back from the war" recreation or is that not happening

OK so i've been meaning to address this for a while because it’s actually something i've been genuinely annoyed/sad/upset about; my original plan to recreate the post was to go to riot fest & have someone take pics of me during MCR live in person (caption wouldve been something like ‘when will mcr--omg they;re Back from the Warfdskns’ lol idk). i ended up 2nd row from the barrier & i was like OMG bc i didn’t expect to get so close & i was like ‘WOW these r gonna b such GR8 PICTURES!!i;m so lucky!!this is gENIUS!’ & so my plan was literally going according to/even better than planned right?? i mean the fact that i was ~a few feet away from the stage n was ~1.5hrs away from seeing mcr LIVE??? my plan was going along SUSPICIOUSLY well..everything was falling into place TOO perfectly...it was almost to good to be true right??? IT WAS. everything went to shit & my plan fell thru during the last band before MCR when my body suddenly fell victim to the effects of being crowd crushed for >7 hours straight; i experienced syncope & was pulled over the barrier & out of the pit by security.

sooooo, you didn’t ‘miss’ anything; the post was supposed to be recreated at the concert, but the universe pulled an uno-reverse on me when it remembered i’m on the universal ‘Do Not Ever Allow to Be Truly Happy’ list lol. i meant to post an update abt my failed plan afterwards, but tbh the actual event in itself made me wanna fr kms, and i felt even guiltier/worse for being unable to fulfill my promise to u all bc i fr planned on recreating it at the concert. 'ok but u were still at the concert after u got pulled out’ ok physically yes but mentally N-Ooo. due to the hypoxia (lack of blood blow/oxygen to the brain) i’d obtained secondary to being crowd crushed PLUS the psychological trauma of being removed against my living breathing dying will from the pit (btw the psychological trauma has nothing to do with being crowd-crushed but im not gonna get into that turmoil rn lol), i was stuck in an altered mental state for the remainder of the concert. i was dissociated for mcr’s entire set until i woke up the next morning & it took ~3-4 days for my body to fully recover from the physical trauma of being crowd crushed.

i still plan on recreating the post eventually, but tbh it’s not rlly my top priority atm bc 1) i still can’t come to terms w/ the fact i lost my 1 n only chance to experience MCR live & 2) imo seeing MCR live was the perfect opportunity to recreate the post & that clearly didn’t work out for me sooo now i have no idea how else i can top that idea :( .

#i have an idea but i’m not sure if it’ll work...imma need mcr 2 pull thru n meet me halfway on this 1 lol #anywyas i h8 talking abt riot fest i feel like every1 h8s me whining abt it too lol #i was so angry and upset with the world and myself. i really tried so hard to stay conscious; #ppl were asking if i was ok & i kept nodding yes because i didn’t want to be pulled out of the pit bc #then i’d lose my spot + my ONLY chance to see MCR live & so up close. #next thing i know i’m being pulled over the barrier by security and WHOOSH into dissociationville i go. #they were too much for my brain to handle so i’d just fall back even more into that weird dissociated state #i honestly would have preferred to not have even attended the concert. like HONESTLY 100% deadass i wish i didnt even go. #like imagine urself in my shoes lol i went from being 2nd row from the stage to like 70000 rows away. #yall dont understand how awful it is to have such a golden opportuntiy to be 1 hr n a few feet away from the band who saved u #to having it all ripped away from u in literally a matter of seconds #if i’d just stayed home my 12y/o little wouldn’t have had to experience the psychological trauma of having everything to having nothing. #my 15/16 year old teen wouldnt have had to re-live the experience of realizing there’s nothing left #in this world to comfort/protect/save her OR her childself #22 year old me realizing i failed them and all the other parts of me. i cant be happy i cant have shit in this world #i couldnt have my mom but at least i had mcr right??? nope lol that got ripped out of my fingertips too #i cant even begin to describe the emotional damage/psychological blow the situation had on me bc like #i cant even put it into words and i know nobody will truly understand/believe me when i say how heartbreaking & detrimental this #situation was for my already fucked up psyche. or they’ll think im exaggerating but its like u dont get it #ive lost so many things and people i spent my entire childhood/adolescence maladaptive daydreaming. #at age 12 mcr became my escapism for ~4yrs straight bc they were the only thing that made me happy #while all the other ppl in the real world in my day to day life were making me wanna kms everyday #like ik it sounds extreme/dramatic but ??? i mean i dont even fully understand my reaction tbh. #i think its just mcr used to be my happy place n then i get to see them live and its just an absolute nightmare #and the fact that i was dissociated from their concert when they used to be the only thing to keep me grounded to this earth??? #truly i wish i didnt even go like i cant even listen to their music anymore without wanting to crawl out of my skin #when the only thing that made u feel alive made u feel deader than ever inside....yeahhhhh not fun!! #its a heartsinking feeling i hate it so much i wish i had a doever #mcr #when will mcr return from the war

[jrueships]

the way they started griddying toward him like a bunch of zombies activating their zombie shuffle when they spot you in a post apocalyptic survival game

the way the cast it wrapped makes it accentuate ja's snatched waist 😭 tatum, please, pls tatum, I need you. You guys can make out while grabbing each others hips (ja has to have his locs down tho)

my little gumdrop !!!!!!!

ofc jaren steals multiple pairs, gayass

a 5 year old showing me his lollipop that is completely covered in 200% hair & dust ( he wants me to try it )

#year of the dragon shoes is a fire concept tho this shoe is beautiful #im glad they didnt fuck it up and make it look like christmas #i was too poor to even be a poor sneakerhead as a kid so i always feel this weird ick buying extravagant things so i just never do #i have to get peerpressured by my friends all the time #but then im so used to not buying good things for myself that i just never end up using the good things #either bcs i dont want to get them dirty/broken or i dont think it's a good enough opportunity to show out #so they just collect dust then i feel bad abt it collecting dust but i cant use it or ill feel bad abt using it #im a guy who has like three different pairs of shoes max #but im not cheap on others. i love spending well on ppl who arent me #it's just im so used to giving/spending my money on others that the idea of myself in the equation is too gross by now #the white blue and gold is so pretty #blue laces or maybe like a dragon design on them would be coldd #does his necklace so tm?? #i mean his real name is temetrius so ig??? #jaren scuttling away with his loot like a happy mouse swiping a slice of cheese #jaren #ja #gg #ja having to let them know theyre one of his top pairs so theyll truly understand the merit of the gift like they didnt already #these are HOOPERS ja. anything shoe.. they slobber over. dont worry abt appreciation. look at their faces. they love it

[fleshdyke]

absnskaisgbsj

#lost literally one of the best friendships of my life yesterday #i mean it’s been gone for a while i just never had the courage to talk to them about it until yesterday. and that basically confirmed it tbh #they didn’t say i did anything wrong but they also didn’t not say i did anything wrong and i’m v paranoid that i did do smth wrong #like i dont want to talk bad abt any of them bc genuinely i had so much fun with these people and im so glad i got to know them #like when i talked to them they were very dry ig? like not like their usual self at all even when talking to someone they dont know #definitely sounded like they were talking to someone they hated. im trying to tell myself taht its just my anxiety but ummm yeah idk i think #im actually right this time #idk. it just sucks man. im trying to think of what i did wrong bc i just dont know what happened #i think im overanalyzing every interaction i can remember having with these ppl bc i dont even want to entertain the idea that they might #have been bad people all along. i dont want to think that and i dont but idk it feels like an observation about myself that ive made from #the outside in yk. like half of me is feeling the emotional response and the other half is just watching from the outside like im someone #else. and i know this is a normal human thing but its just always weird yk #and then theres the whole awful thing of seeing shit that they would find funny or that reminds me of them. and i also dont know what im #supposed to do when school starts back up again bc we took a lot of the same classes and if i end up in a class with them idk if im supposed #to say hi or just pretend they dont exist or not and i dont want to make the wrong decision so they hate me even more yk #whatever man. it fucking sucks but life goes on. my dog is just chilling in my room rn and i’ll always have her and tia and my brother #rambles #vent

[perenlop]

i hope that if i do go further with this mlp nextgen and blueberry drizzle isnt a one off and i do more with her and the conflict idea between her and her parents that it doesnt look like im like... trying to go “oh my god rainbow dash and pinkie pie from horse show are ABUSIVE PARENTS!!!” 

#or at least not ''theyd be horrible parents'' like they are good moms to drizzle and gave her love and affection growing up #like... the idea is more that drizzle is so unlike her moms and big parties/competitive games actually stress her out really bad #whereas those are her moms' love language. so its just a matter of not having the same interests and they dont know how to handle that #which comes from how both characters can be really inconsiderate in the show and have to learn to tone it down #and i kinda wanted to imply it was the same situation with pinkie growing up on her hcs post and now shes in the same thing w her daughter #so drizzle just feels distant from them. #idk why i feel the need to clarify this when i dont know if im even gonna flesh this out #but like. i always get paranoid ppl are gonna see drizzle's art and think im trying to make rainbow and pinkie bad people #like that one nextgen that made applejack transphobic and needed to be magic'd into accepting her daughter #idk i always get so uncomfortable when i see a nextgen that makes an established kind character into an abuser. its upsetting #like i wanna see cute horse designs and fluffy family material with some grounded conflicts #not a long post explaining why you think rarity would be abusive to her gay child. #this sounds incredibly specific. and yeah. idk what to say abt this its just weird #its one thing if the character is established to be cruel and we all know for a fact theyd be a shitty parent but like... for the honses? #echoed voice

[sickgraymeat]

(Yes I’m aware my employers are the coolest and I’m very grateful) this feels like when pb’s like “I need to stay up and take care of Goliad it’s incredibly important that I do it because I have a better understanding of her brain on a chemical level than anyone else. Not only that but I’m planning on doing it and will do it regardless of my mental state” and f&j were like “hey we’re a kid and a dog why don’t we do it” and she’s immediately like “ok zzzzz”

#except that baby d already uses yelling and would use mind control if she could #bc she’s a toddler that’s just how it is #and also her parents are not a kid and a dog #ok I’m feeling a little better abt it now jsjdjdne #adventure time #princess bubblegum #bonnibel bubblegum #Goliad #Finn and jake #tagging bc I feel like I described it funny and y’all might like that idk they’re still kicking in ajdjsjnr #context is that I missed ONE THING last night and my brain is a goddamn jenga tower but I take it in the morning too so I’m feeling #a little better having taken the am dose #hopefully will be capable of safe child rearing in the next half hour #(I’m a nanny) #sorry for making all these dumb posts my brain is struggling to do anything better #but I am writing!! ppl who commented on my story descriptions you’ve been heard and I’m working on them #somehow the idea of other people like expecting/looking forward to it is just the goddamn holy grail of motivation #which is weird bc when I tell ppl too much abt a story b4 I finish it I just panic abt not meeting their expectations and never finish :/ #anywya! #jus talkin #(too much)

[zemnarihah]

prospective tenants are coming to tour my apartment today. feels weird.

#I dont like it like the idea of ppl in my home specifically to like. look around. feels invasive idk. #like ik its just to see the layout and stuff but its like. idk #also i wont be there. unless i leave class rlly early which i dont think im gonna do #so its extra weird bc theyre gonna be looking around my room while im gone. ik the manager will be there so nobody would do anything weird #but i have this like image in my head of someone sniffing my underwear or smth lol #im worried abt buttercup too im sure shell just hide under the bed but its like:( shes gonna be so scared #i didnt clean btw. honestly im kinda hoping it makes a bad enough impression that they dont schedule anymore until we move out and i dont #have to deal with it again #zem diary

[unproduciblesmackdown]

remembering a fun marble hornets trans wrights element throwback where i managed to show up for one of their first convention features & while this was ofc already [serious "hmm...Not Cis: me??"] occasions i wasn't yet out or anything like well time to suffer being known & perceived thusly....while i Was out by the same occasion the next year like well here i am again, different name, binder, no plans to give anyone any rundown about this thing, hope it goes smoothly anyways and/or i'm effectively giving a reintroduction anyhow even though i May have been up to more memorable things that last time....no conversations needed to be had, i think i had the impression i was recalled as the same person but it was an entirely chill time, just this as like an early and pretty unique Occasion of like, here's people who know me from In Person (and ig Kind of online, i also don't recall ever like distinctly linking said in person appearance to onlineness lol. it just may also have not been an unsolveable mystery or a mystery at all. but mostly in person, and that's the element i was focusing on anyways) and my showing up transly in person with a whole other name this time as the major difference really lol. like well hope this goes swimmingly....And It Did. and at some point not eons later ya boy tim with some cringe comp sincerety like oh let me make this post somewhere about how an epic element of being a known internet creator is meeting new & various people including explicitly the [mh fans are like exclusively The Gays. and then some unfiction posters] factor & i'm like lol well you're welcome. just doing my part. but fr that was neat like i'm glad to get chill indirect & direct trans validation from internet horror series contributors in that immediate period of coming out & having to sweat it like damn wasn't at this point last time around

#lot of highlights that first time around at said expo.... #loved being present for this like. Season One Dvd Live Commentary as this like late event put on some non ground floor room.... #like it wasn't Huge but an impressive number of ppl showed up waiting outside & then the space was pretty packed #& it was just a fun and spontaneous time lol #also like going ''hmm autistic: me??'' as seriously & framed thusly consideration came years later #& relatively recent posting from ya boy tim (twitter) abt like adhd / autistic: me?? are throwbacks lmao like #hey pal as a [yes to both: me] party i can say that like anyone who's chosen to have multiple relatively extensive exchanges w/myself.... #it's kind of its own ''hmm. you sure you're nt'' occasion lol #i would be Unsurprised thusly just like i'm Unsurprised abt the [practically no one is cis/het] factor.... #anyways i have no idea what's going on w/the fact mh has these organic like popularity resurgences especially including Now apparently #but who tf is ever tuned in? cool when people are having fun and being themselves. #sort of distantly interesting to see what material people come up with in organic novel [entire new groups of ppl / popularity wave] #and mh i guess does that more often than maybe other things do #as they say it's a) just There online for perusal b) accessible in other ways. there's handy playlists & it's basically a few movies. #and c) there's always some hot new online homemade horror material & people can get into That & then into others ig. like mh sitting there #it's a like ''huh. i guess'' surprise even when mutuals / followers from Completely Different Things i indirectly find also watch/ed mh #like well. i don't really have a frame of reference for all this stuff lmao. i Guess it's unsurprising but to me feels like a weird overlap #just wasn't that niche? Isn't that niche? if you're like. Online to a sufficient degree. strongly narrative; a drama; shelved w/queer media #and that following along while it released was fun but now the advantage is: Not having to do that. it all just sits there #my fucking pet peeve as things Were released & people were like. oh plotlines progressed in this thing? smh filler #there were moments when people are walking to a location? filler. there were moments when it wasn't just sloober standing there? filler. #like would you shut tf up lmfao....crash courses in ''even when an online fanbase is small. ya don't wanna talk to Everyone'' #which for me was part of a learning process like i don't wanna talk to practically Anyone thanks lmao. but the posts could be fun at least #let's have some appreciation along the lines of uhh smthing talking abt season one first house visit entry and how like #yeah it's fun how In Essence yes nothing happens but it's the creation of a very suspenseful experience anyways like thank you #having to explain things like Pacing [if Action & Intensity were Nonstop they'd stop being Effective or at all Interesting] #cue explaining this re: even Drama also like. deh's Drama is served by the interludes for ppl ''interrupting'' w/ ''lol? &/or tf?'' moments #mh the musical...

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#tfw youre hanging out with friends and u throw out controversial take after controversial take #like its me hi im the hater its me #u wanna hear them? i mean thrm in in like the silliest way possible. its not that serious lol #i hated h4n solo growing up and still do. i dont think i like the writing of ne1l gaim4n and only liked the 1st season of g0od 0mens #i thought the 1st season of 0ur flag was fine and didnt really like the 2nd. i dont think anyone in l0rd of the rings is hot. especially #not 4aragon. leg0las is like whatever. sam is my favorite character. i also didnt like l0rd of the rings when i 1st watched it #the gathering was a watch party for that 1st movie and i like it way more now lol. also i dont like overt romance. i like the implication #of romance. if u kiss onscreen im like 99% of thr time not interested. also while im being a hater. i dont thibk steven king is a good #writer and domt like his books. i like the idea of them. wish they were written by anyone else lol. also im too dyslex1c to read physical #books :-( which no one vibes with bc everyone's a grad student overachiever lol. and back to back it all sounds like im trying to b #contrary but i promise its maybe just that i have weird standards. like i also hated movies about animals growing up. it made me mad that #those movies were trying to manipulate my feelings. like jesus child chill tf out. i would also randomly decide i hated lots of things and #characters. some of which i stand by today but most of which im like lol chill #so idk maybe i just have bad opinions. i also wander the earth wearing outfits that i pick out bc it feels like im playing dressup #and i have unhinged options abt narut0. sas and naru fall into the 1% of kisses i care abt lmao #and unhinged options abt bleach the show. idk maybe im just kinda weird. i also study organisms that most ppl look at as globs of goo #and i used to study bits of dirt. my brain was just build ever so slightly weird. not too weird. just enough that i have quote unquote #controversial takes ans im not afraid to say them in a room full of ppl who disagree with me bc its really not that serious lol #i dunno i just think its kinda funny i guess #im just slightly weird in the least interesting way possible #unrelated #also i don't yuvk other ppls yum im just like ay not for me i guess

[dyketubbo]

making posts on here is like trying to navigate a minefield sometimes bc i swear this fandom has given me like upgraded paranoia about being misunderstood/taken in the wrong way bc of my wording. like i already grew up with this fear bc autism and disorganized speech esp w having a speech impediment etc etc but while i get the instinct to try and bite back i feel like sometimes i can never just say personal feelings or mess around without it being made into a Big Deal. like sometimes im not making takes or super indepth analysis im just talking at the air about my own experiences and frustrations yknow. being scrutinized over word choice is fucking scary when you have like 50 fucking things that make it incredibly hard to be able to get your point across in a concise and understandable manner

#still have such intense leftover fears from the qpr drama #people widespread the idea that i was arophobic for so fucking long even after the fact and constantly took what i said in the worst way- #-possible and im not even sure if its stopped yet considering even like in. what was it early june. i had someone say they heard i was- #-arophobic #n like nowadays yeah i see where there were points where i messed up with wording #but other times it was like. definitely Intentional misreading #like somehow claiming i thought the word relationship wasnt connected to friendship and then mocking me (an aro person.) for supposedly #not having friends #or claiming i was calling ppl misogynistic/racist/fatphobic bc i . said i felt weird about kristin being shoved to the side #or ppl who fucking somehow got the idea that i was arguing that qp relationships were inherently platonic #when the whole point was that i felt like people were using qprs as a way to hide that they were just doing romantic shipping #and were putting qprs behind a /p tag or talking abt them as if theyre not much more than 'platonic spouses' #when the entire point . is that they arent strictly platonic. and that was what i was trying to address was that i felt #they werent just headcanons. because theyre committed and intimate relationships with a wide variety of descriptions #based on the individuals in the relatio ship. and making it into a 'two bros who kiss' thing and nothing more was yeah! a bit weird! #like disregarding the discussion of cc boundaries n if ccs should get involved with that esp bc i dont feel comfy talkin abt that point #nymore. the point was just. that i felt like reducing qprs to 'close friends but More' or Just Headcanons was disingenuous #and that in the dsmp fandom for a good fucking while yeah people would slap /p or the qp label onto a relationship that they clearly just- #-shipped so they could pass it as just headcanons and Not Shipping #but instead it got misconstrued into the idea that *i* thought qprs were strictly platonic relationships #slash just another word for best friends. when that was what i was actively Against labeling qprs as #and then i went down as arophobic and had people fucking harass me over it for like a month like #it felt fuckin shitty to be put in a situation where i was (even if indirectly) the center of attention in such a large negative way #with a bunch of full grown adults dismissing my actual concerns and points while widespread vaguing me to a point #where i would have to doublecheck posts even ppl I followed reblogged .bc i had 2 check if the person i agreed with secretly was vaguing me #and i got told i was playing the victim card for saying as a teenager that was stressful for me to go through #like even now i still feel intense anxiety around emduo fans that i dont already know are chill bc that shit ruined me for a good while #i couldnt even enjoy the characters themselves. and i always feel like itll happen again #i know a lotta ppl hold me as som1 good w words but its scary to be held to that standard when ive so many mental problems tht make it hard #mask mews

[cruelsister-moved2]

ugh i kind of want to do my diss about music + trance states possibly gender mediation through trance states or something like that but ritual and trance have been a hot topic in ethnomusicology for ages so I doubt itd be very original whereas ik the stuff ive been getting into about englishness, the past, race, and cultural hybridity is more hot off the press or whatever plus ive done it before so i have a lot of groundwork already. and then I feel like what I would love to do abt neurodivergence would actually feel like the thing thats most important and revelatory but I genuinely dont know how I would actually go about it like i think id have to do fieldwork or something like I feel really out of my comfort zone when im not basically just synthesising theory from two previously unconnected fields I know that is basically what my brain is just good at 😭😭😭 basically torn between what I should do what I can do and what I want to do eeeek

#I think when term starts I can just like bring my three ideas to my supervisor and see what they say #Im literally just so scared of making a fool of myself that I want to come with like everything already laid out or something like #I have a year to do it I don't think I have to have started before term begins 😭😭😭 #and wrt the second one like that is important too it's just that firstly it's a very small field and secondly ik there are other ppl kind #of having the conversation as well now like since lockdowm #when I started they were still v much in nationalism and I was like I think race and the empire is like an underexplored component in this #but I think 2 years on there are definitely like wheels turning more now #and also outside of trad like it's been explored for years most of what I did was just like taking decades old work and inserting it here #its just that this is honestly a very very white field (which is exactly like. my point) so nothing really made it in #and like idk its weird as a white person to try n make my career out of that I don't want to do that Im also just like in 3 years of this I #have not had one non white lecturer or classmate #so it does feel like it kind of. is my job to make the ppl around me think abt like. why that is #ik if I go into arts education racial equality will always be a big part of my priorities but like. my goal would really be helping someone #to become A Voice on the issue rather than trying to be that myself which I think is an important distinction #sorry this is so long and. no one cares this is just my thinking to myself place and also I need to remember what my prev thoughts where #I mean if anyone is like oh that one sounds dumb or whatever then i welcome that ayeueisidhdj but im just like u don't like. have to read #this I know its sooo rambly