#but like. idk. I was SO ILL. and I don't think it's like people say they thought they'd be dead by a certain age

[skaldish]

Oh my god I just had a horrible realization. It's a really personal one so please bear with me but I need to share it because…Idk, maybe it's not just me.

But I realized. I didn't actually grow up being a part of any culture. I grew up with seeing culture around me, and sometimes participating in culture temporarily, but I was not raised with a cultural identity of any sort whatsoever.

I identify as an American only because I live in the US, not because I'm acculturated American. I only have the cultural senses I have because it just so happened to be what I was surrounded by.

None of the stories told to me, none of the food I ate, and nothing I wore, were used to convey "This is who we are as people" by my family or community. Stories were just for entertainment, food was just for eating, and clothes were just whatever I liked wearing from the department store. These things weren't, in any way, identity, outside of things I could use to express my own personal identity if I wanted to.

Fuck, I wasn't even given the cultural knowledge associated with the class I was raised in. No leadership skills, no business sense, nothing.

"But what about religion?" No religion either. My family has culturally Catholic leanings, but it's residual and unrecognized.

"What about being white?" The fact that I can't describe what "being white" even means—beyond how I've heard it described—goes to show you my expertise in the matter.

"What about subcultures?" I only know how to participate in subcultures as either a spectator or as a guest. No culture has ever identified me as belonging to it, despite welcoming my participation, and I can't consider myself part of cultures if they don't claim me.

In terms of my cultural identity, I'm completely blank. It's like I have no name.

I write all this because I was thinking about why some Scandinavians would be upset at me using "Heathen" (as well as bigger questions of cultural appropriation in general) and came to this realization.

For the record…I don't consider myself Heathen because I identify as part of Scandinavian culture. That would be absurd. I use "Heathen" because I accidentally befriended a Heathen god. Loki hid his identity from me for years, and I was very upset when when he finally told me who he was—I felt like he betrayed me, and also like I was going insane, because my worldview prior to that did not support the existence of gods.

I dug deep into learning about Norse paganism because I knew understanding Loki within his cultural context was vital to understanding who he is. The reason I started digging around in Scandinavian culture directly, though, was because—surprise!—nothing we have published in the US actually has this context.

…I'm embarrassed to admit I wasn't aware "cultural appropriation" describes a situation where one person walks into another person's culture and says, "Yes, this is my home now," like a cuckoo taking over another bird's nest. I always thought it was a function of mishandling a culture—using it in ways that was careless and ill-informed—but no, it's taking away other peoples' identities in the name of playing dress-up for yourself.

"You're robbing me of myself for your own stupid aesthetic desires!" That's how I imagine it must feel.

It disgusts me to think that's how my actions may have looked.

#zan speaks #personal #I need to figure out how to resolve this but idk #no culture has gone 'ah yes that's clearly one of ours' before #not even the ones I'm demographically a part of #I'm upset yes but also extremely bewildered by how this happened

[notedchampagne]

Honestly i also think that a lot of the romanticization of Ianthe vs infantilization/fear mongering of harrowhark is also that like... We don't really get to see Ianthe suffer the nastier parts of shit mental health. Like, we know she cries to sleep, for like a line or two, but we're not pressed against her intimacies and the inside of her head (hehehe pun intended) like we are with harrow.

It's easy to infantilize Harrowhark because we get to see her struggling, we get to see the thought processes that lead to her lashing out, we get to see her suffering through. Well, basically everything, more than we see her putting on the dignity, and even when we do, we generally get to see the lead up, or we are with someone who responds in kind (thanks gideon).

With Ianthe we basically *only* get the facade, even when the Issues Are Blatant, and even if when she lashes out she does her utmost best to seem in control, much like harrow. The other characters do Not Give A Shit, so neither do we, as readers, feel naturally inclined to it.

Plus like. I might be reaching, but sometimes i feel like tlt fandom needs a character to be "pathetic", or to suffer, in order to... Idk how to word this bc englishs not my first language, but essentially pay penance? In the fandom I see a lot of people who feel Uncomfortable recalling their fave did bad shit, and like, needing to either justify it for themselves or others by going "oh look how she suffers", essentially infantilizing their characters so they don't have to acknowledge the worst edges, which is a choice, I guess. They not only do this with Harrowhark, but also with Gideon, Pyrrha, Mercymorn, etc.

They also do the opposite, by rejecting the possibility of suffering for characters they consider evil, most notably with John. It's not possible for them to be over their heads, or for them to have made a mistake. Either they were deliberately planning it, or they deserved it somehow, or their actions *later* meant they retroactively deserved it, and may be pointed as the cause for it happening.

Which is... Uncomfortable, to say the least, even if I'm only latine.

anyways. TDLR: People should just say they look really fucking cool dripping with blood and determined. At this point ill even take an I support women's wrongs/woman's right to murder or whatever

Sorry for going in a tangent on your askbox or of this doesnt make sense its like nearly two am and i cant sleep

this is very real and leans into what ive observed in fandom as well! tlt is a house party full of morally gray characters but i feel like when we are panicked to discuss someone being "evil" or otherwise the two closest avenues are infantilization/reduction (i can fix him, theyre pathetic they cant do anything right im protecting them) or full villainy (i like them Because theyre evil, irredeemable, they deserved it so i dont care)

hope you sleep soon

#talking back

[inkskinned]

i've been in pretty much constant pain for the past 4 months. i have a slipped disc. the mri this weekend finally confirmed what i'd already suspected. mostly, i just put up with it.

i've been in a pretty bad mental space since winter began. my brain is leaking out from between my ears. i just don't care enough to listen to the rabid wet whispering of hope. i'm mostly just bored of being here, the swaddled joyless apathy.

the back pain ebbs and flows, but it's there, so i take care of it. i do my physical therapy. i get in with a specialist. i'm lucky - there's no immediate need for surgery. it's bad, but it could be worse. when i talk about how i did it (it was a very bad sneeze), i usually start laughing. it's funny! i am never comfortable, but hey. i'm young. i'll bounce back, or so they keep saying.

i just found out it's not normal to wake up every night with a category-five panic attack. i'm lucky if i am still able to remember how to spell my name right. i spend my days in a weird blank haze, exhausted, desperate for respite - only to be unable to rest during the night. i say with a laugh - i really hate it when my mental illnesses start working together. i mean, sure. unionize. it's fine. i have lost all sense of myself. there's nowhere that's actually warm in my mind.

i feel bad how often i complain about my back. my friends immediately shush my apology. dude, you slipped a disc. continue complaining.

as a kid, i think i only really admitted to the bad things... twice. for some reason, when he didn't just dismiss it - it made my dad angry. he slammed a door at me. you're fucking ungrateful. what do you have to be sad for?

what an odd delight: the slipped disc gave me the oddest wave of relief. i'm allowed to actually hurt about this thing.

i have chronic conditions which aren't "real" things. i could write a novel on the weird ways people respond to my POTS & the rest of my fun physical acronyms. i am kind of ashamed to admit - i like the way it feels to be able to say well, because of a slipped disc. a slipped disc is a real thing. a slipped disc is serious and painful. there's diagrams and infographics about slipped discs. upon my diagnosis, they immediately offered me narcotics.

i haven't been able to get up out of bed for more than a few hours. i do less and less and less and less. i have started to sit down in the shower. sighing my way from deadline to deadline. this again. in one day and out the other. people tell me i don't really need my meds. i have run out of times saying i have depression, it's become almost transparent. it's so bad my therapist suggested meeting more than once a week, but i don't want to worry her, so i never finish setting up a second meeting. every creative spark in my soul has been entirely ravaged - but that's just capitalism, baby. i don't even take the day off of work. i just show up and do a bad job and get yelled at for it.

it's not real, after all. the pain is just imagined.

#spilled ink #warm up #is this clear? #i have chronic pain & illnesses which i will not be discussing on this blog #and i will say that the way i'm treated about those is often just as bad #but since i don't have the room to give it justice on this post #it's ... about that weird sensation of... #''oh this is a real thing that actually hurts people'' #when u have spent ur life in pain and being told that pain isn't real #feeling like you are '''allowed''' to finally ACTUALLY feel pain #that sense -- oh thank god it's actually bad #idk maybe im a bad person #but sometimes i do like to write about. the actual symptoms of mental illness #and sometimes the Illnesses Do Make Me Think Bad Thoughts #so if this is weird just tell me i'll bring it up w/my therapist ig

[not-poignant]

every now and then i forget how bad my chronic illnesses are and every now and then my body is like 'hmmm you seem to have forgotten what it's like to be cripplingly bedridden and disabled and we don't want you to forget' and then i'm reminded and it feels a little like being yeeted into a granite cliff wall at full speed and leaving a dent

#mother i am in pain #you know when you're #in the depths of pneumonia #it's like that but without having pneumonia #i think the reason long covid and PSVs scare people with chronic illnesses so much is that #we already have the symptoms #we don't want to find out how much further down the rabbit hole we can go #personal #maybe even dare i say #delete later #anyway i woke up not good and i am still not good #i should not be working today dsalkfjas #idk how relatable 'depths of pneumonia' is #'you know when you cough of blood and pus for two weeks' #like idk how universal that is #/makes sad goat noises

[iloveyouitisruiningmylife]

spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me

#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason #the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2 #i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head #and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet #and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay #he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all #i have no idea what he has that i don't #but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about #not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me #not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act #im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough #for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away #from my sociopathic parents #and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough #but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d #exams #and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then #never cry #i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really #trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing #oh god this is now a ventpost #mes

[boxwinebaddie]

my gay sons having matching personality appropriate unhealthily obsessed codependent jewelry check!

#nina speaks #that hc did things to my brain i cannot undo #also yes stans was 10 dollars at a mall kiosk #like 15 minutes before his show #and kyles was 300 dollars #and he planned it for weeks #im crying #your honor!!! #i can see raven eating taco bell on the phone like broooo oh my god i will be Right There hang onnnnnnn >:/ #like ooh ooh can i have the cool fancy curly font and OOH WILL U PUT IT IN A HEART THATS SO SICK!!!! #and jersey on the phone w marcus neiman #calling like every two hours for updates #fucking maddogging their front porch #and it literally shows up right when kyle gets in the shower so when he finally comes out stan is Holding The Package #squinting at it like kyle this was on our porch #but idk do u think it’s the neighbors it says like mariah newman on it????? *squints again* *frowns in dyslexia* #do u know a mariah?? CUE JERSEY EXTREMELY LOUD NERVOUS LAUGHING LIKE hAHA ILL GET IT TO HER THX BB #LIKEW WHEW! #I LOVE U DYSLEXIA #RAVENSTAN PUTTING THE SEXY IN DYSLEXIA ALWAYS #truly the ceo of being sexy and dyslexxxy ;) #jersey meticulously pacing their apartment trying on five diff outfits draping himself over every arm rest and surface #trying to figure out what way looks like the most nonchalant for when stan walks in and he has to pretend hes unbothered #and kyle was like you just wore a choker with my intial on it on live tv and didn't tell me and stans like oh my god!! i DID tell you #or fuck okay i was Going To but there was a really cute dog and i took a selfie w/ her and then i ran out of space and while #i was trying to free up space in my phone my phone died but i didnt have time to charge it before the concert but!!!! #surprise!!!! do u like it cccc: #and jersey is like Don't Worry #You'll Know When You Get Home ;) xx #AASAAaAAAAaA GAAAAAAAAY PEOPLE!!!!

[faebriel]

hgs brainrot has returned due to tbosas .. speaking of hgs here’s an ask abt the hgs au: if things were totally different, and Wilbur were to be a 12 victor, what do you think a possible mentor-tribute dynamic would look like between him & Niki? I feel like it would be similar to Snow & Lucy in the way that he’s just going out of his way to cheat n help her

anon u have in fact struck jackpot because this is a concept i was spinning some thoughts abt before bee mentioned avoxes and we went OOOOH at that!!! so yes i have considered rainduo as a mentor-tribute dynamic and would love to talk about that concept too :]

so for this concept i think wilbur and niki would be close friends throughout childhood from 12, and then in their teens wilbur is reaped and, well, no one has particularly high hopes (he's a writer and a musician at heart, not a fighter) but through sheer trickery and dumb luck, he makes it to the end of the games. wilbur pulled some pretty fucked up tricks to win - when you can't use brute force, you have to use your brain - and partly due to the trauma of the games, partly due to his shame and survivor's guilt, he sinks into the capitol and relishes a new life there as a socialite. to him, the old wilbur died in the games and the new one has taken his place - to niki, and to his other friends in 12, whatever the games did to him made him into every vapid heartless capitol victor there is.

or. niki has her doubts. they all saw how horrible the games were, but surely there is some part of him left, some part that's hurting, even if it's buried deep?

anyway.

like og spin of the au, niki is reaped and this sucks - this time she does expect wilbur as her mentor on the train, and she expects some kind of warm welcome (maybe even an apology for leaving them so suddenly and silently? an explanation?) but she gets jack shit. wilbur is jaded and cruel and unrecognisable and niki entirely hates it. this is the part where i REALLY WISH we got some time of those two beefing with each other directly in canon (or at least interactions while niki was So Mad at him) but it's okay we fly blind. niki feels abandoned, lonely, thrown off of her kilter - she expected an ally in this place, but she doesn't recognise the person wilbur has become. she doesn't recognise his shallowness (...much), his ruthless advice for the arena, the way he doesn't seem to care for anything. she's scared and now she's lonely and it pisses her off - their mentorship is fraught. here are some thoughts from discord on that:

i tend to think of niki as a bit naïve before l'manberg or even doomsday - i think this is an au where this streak would come out real strong, and niki is stubborn that she can get through the games without losing herself. stubborn that she can stop things, that she can protect people. i don't think wilbur is cold enough (or, really, can bear to say aloud) to say that her odds in the arena are slim enough as it is, but he definitely tells her that she's making enemies and that her odds of survival dwindle with the more trouble she causes.

beyond that... hm. niki's trust in wilbur is almost unshakeable until nov 16, even when she outright says she doesn't recognise him anymore. i think she'd reluctantly listen re: don't burn down any buildings, but she would grow bolder each day she had to stay in the capitol. she gets more honest in front of the cameras. she makes more friends in training, and not the ones wilbur recommends. she throws barbs at him every time he makes one of those callous, cold-hearted comments about other tributes and rankings and odds. and besides, she's going in the arena this time, not him. she needs to practice her bravery.

it's like... she hasn't given up on him. she thinks the old wilbur is in there somewhere. (she is wrong. that is not how trauma works.) but she won't hold her tongue just because she

for extra angst points could definitely play up the whole 'feeling abandoned' angle between them as niki goes into the arena - probably due to how fraught their friendship gets leading up to the games. niki wants to focus on them and their friendship, wilbur has stringently cut off (almost) everything from 12 and refuses to let her in; he tells her to behave for the cameras, she tells him she never will. i think the last point in that screenshot would also make for a super tasty argument where niki feels wilbur has gone astray, that he's abandoned 12, and that he'll probably do nothing but sit on his ass and watch her die and he can't even bring himself to care about her anymore, can he? just more fodder for the arena. and honestly, i think wilbur would passively agree with most of that - he values niki's opinion, after all, even now, and if she says he's rapidly descending into a lost cause then she must be right. and it's niki, so she will be fine, and he goes to his bedroom that night and tries to pretend he is sleeping perfectly fine instead of feeling paralysed with fear.

okay now onto the games - YES HE SO WOULD. or at least i think he would go out of his way to help. as for cheating - he's a recent victor for 12 and i think he would value tommy (no doubt a link to him... i think they'd be in touch in this au also) too much to risk the punishment falling onto him as well. i get the vibes this is a games closer to 74th than 10th, so there are far fewer opportunities to cheat and the consequences of getting caught are higher. but schmoozing up sponsors? making stupid ass radio interviews or whatever to talk up niki's odds? sharing anecdotes from their childhood - some real, some entirely fabricated - across capitol airwaves to stoke their sympathy? 100%. with less to lose in this au, i think niki would be far less inclined to play nice for the cameras - i hope you starve, she spits at one of them, and wilbur appears on a talkshow two days later as she scrambles for survival in the arena to talk up how she always saved loaves from the bakery for the poorest mothers and children in 12. he borrows and begs and swindles to the point where it feels like cheating. but hey, this new wilbur is capitol-branded. he knows how to play the game.

if anything he probably sinks into the game a little too much. self-preservation is not his forte. probably wracks up a few heavy debts and favours to owe, but those are not priority until niki is out of the arena, alive. as long as she wins, and as long as the family he has isn't in danger, he will manage. wow it would suck if at some point those two goals became impossible to co-achieve. anyway

i kind of see niki's victory in the arena being similar to the one in the main au - if only because planning out an entire games is hard for meee >-< . she walks in bolder and braver for sure, and with a less strategic pick of allies, but they all get picked off and she spends a few weeks so terrified she can barely sleep and then she ruptures some fuel line and sets the arena alight with a fire that burns brighter and more ravenously than it should. but she wins, and she's airlifted out of a filthy, muddy creek she had resigned herself to die in, and wilbur barges his way through as many peacekeepers so that he can actually see her with her burnt skin and hair and unfocused eyes and trust that what was on the screens wasn't a fluke, and that they made it. and then it's just a matter of surviving the after.

i'm sure there are some other random quirks or tidbits i can think of re: this take on a c!rainduo hunger games au but these are my base thoughts!!

#can i just say whatever the hell lucy grey n snow had going on in part 1 made me so berko btw. like congrats ur my means to an end youre my #symbol youre my buddy? should we kiss? i'll get you out of here / don't make me leave these people behind #BRIDGING OFF OF THE TBOSAS DISCUSSION. i think the thing with crainduo (or at least how i like to depict them) is that they care about each #other extremely deeply and value each other... without being each others number one priority at all times. #i don't think niki plays priority with people she cares for like that; see her relationships with like wilbur and eret in lmanberg #even her friendship with and offering ponk a place to stay in her city after manberg even tho manberg hurt her #as for wilbur: his priority is tommy. like always. if it was just him on the line he'd do anything to get niki thru but it's not #asks #hunger games au #they would truly be such a nightmare in this au like. wilbur's self loathing is SO HIGH due to survivors guilt and trauma and mental illnes #he thinks that niki is So Good and Has It Together meanwhile he is So Bad #and is a mess that she cannot possibly rely on him. she can't possibly need him. she can't possibly want him around #<- and this shit is INGRAINED like. it's not even an active thought pattern anymore it is carved into his brain like a groove #and so shes like. do you even care whether i live or die?? #of course he does. but this is the capitol. he cant be vulnerable in a way that matters #and that alienates niki further and this rage and heartbreak is building in her with nowhere to go. and in the arena she thinks it erupts #nah uh. i think its AFTER the area when she has to face wilbur again that she would go full screaming meltdown #ANYWAY !! i really like aus where they have this friction esp because i think like.. idk i think sometimes our views of rainduo are too ros #wilbur kind of forgets about niki sometimes because his self hatred is that bad. niki doesnt get wilburs mental illness and takes it both a #a burden/blame AND a direct rejection of her and her friendship #and they hover just outside of each others spaces anxious and angry and almost self flagellating. GOOD FOR THEM ! #anyway Yes this did unlock something within me. thanks anon feel free to add on if u had more thoughts esp re: tbosas and such bc i had suc #a good time watching that movie

[hyenaswine]

the thing is like..... in both these cases, you've said sorry. you're not saying "well it's not MY fault i have RSD!" or "you should've known that would trigger my RSD!" you said sorry. you provided an explanation of why the behavior happened & why it wasn't appropriate. not everybody is able to articulate everything on the spot - the whole purpose of finding explanations within psychiatry is to better understand why we behave in ways we otherwise don't understand or can't express. i don't want mentally ill people to have to grovel or jump through hoops to deserve forgiveness for showing symptoms when it's hard enough dealing with the symptoms. i'm not saying people should be allowed to get away with abusive behavior - i'm very specifically talking about meeting us halfway when it comes to language. we should all be meeting each other halfway to try to come to a mutual understanding that prioritizes empathy. your mentally ill friend isn't a bad dog who needs to be scolded, they're a fellow human being who (you should presume) is trying their best.

#idk man like... i hate when i see stuff that's like ''if this person doesn't apologize in THIS SPECIFIC WAY they don't mean it'' #i'd probably get told that's not what the post is saying but i don't care. i'm making my own post so it's mine now #it's not ''pathologizing'' to put a name to why you do things that you want to better understand #you think mentally ill people don't blame ourselves enough? is that really your issue here?

[b4kuch1n]

Hi, I've been inspired by the composition and abstract style of your artwork for a while now, if I made an experimental art piece inspired by your composition style would you want me to credit you as an inspo? or would you just not be comfortable with me using your art as inspiration altogether? (which is fine btw, i don't wanna do smth that would make you uncomfortable)

oh sure! feel free! I don't mind at all lol

#ask #bakuspeech #tbh I do think this question is like. somewhat redundant in art. or idk unnecessary? #all of art is inspiration man. very frequently from art by artists you're never gonna have the chance to reach out to #large cause bc they've been dead for decades to a few centuries #and like. idk as an artist you kinda have to accept that people will actually look at ur art and interact with it in their own space? #so like. yeah there are things that if I see you do with my art I will block you for. but on principle I cannot bodily stop you #this is all to say that like. if the question is about my personal boundaries it's gonna be more complicated. like if you make something #with ill intention and then cite me as an inspiration source. of course I'd not like that #but also that will be on me to reflect on that and like. do what I need to do #but outside of that. saying 'don't take inspiration from my art' is 1/genuinely patently unenforceable and 2/antithetical to #the way that I do art at all #like! I thrive on remixing! it's what transformative fanstuff is. how would I ever get on someone else's case for doing the exact same thin #anyways yeah don't worry about it I guess all of the above is more like. somewhat of a blanket permission #do whatever you want with my art! if it's cool and u want me to see it feel free to tell me. if u know I wont like it dont get caught by me #I am aware that I have before mentioned things you can't do with my art. those are personal boundaries. I enforce it in my own spaces #I have no power in yours. it's just how it is. use ur judgement. have fun chillin #that's it babey I go get snack now. its past mid autumn so the moon cakes are on sale so Im gonn #a get a bag of dried corn

[icewindandboringhorror]

Various images of things

#image commentary in tags once again since they don't allow captions anymore and I feel weird using the alt text for that -- #1. PIBBINS.... cheering clapping hooting hollering glorious applause everytime I see a pigeon in public #2. Birthday card that I drew for someone. .. kittys... #3. 2023's annual haul of tiny white pumpkins.. i get at least one white pumpkin every year around fall when they have pumpkins in stores #because I just love the color and texture ... bright white and smooth and cold and round.. kind of like a volleyball or something #4. A brief adventure into watching big brother (only earlier seasons of course as I hate all reality shows post like 2013 or something when #they became overly focused on social media and overproduced memeable phrases more.. like even though ALL reality shows have always #been extremely fake and annoying and mindless it's like..... newer stuff seems A Different Kind Of Fake or something) since whenever #I'm sick sometimes I find weird mindless things like that to watch (that one time I had bronchitis I watched all of Flavor of Love in my #half awake illness stupor and now everytime I heat up canned minestrone soup (mostly all I ate that week) I think of flavor flav since #thats just a weird brain connection I have now lol) ANYWAY.. I was sick and watched like 2 seasons of this and then thought it was too #uninteresting and obnoxious to continue (more like 1 and a half since I skipped the rest of one once only boring people were left) BUT this #one guy had a very mischevious looking face and he also said a few things (like the above captioned speech) that sounded like dialogue #some fantasy character would say.. so I took a screencap of him and edited him into a mischevious wizard i guess.?? idk I was sick lol #~your little friend has a poisoned tongue~ is just a very unexpectedly serious sounding wording for some random normal #frat dude looking guy to say while casually chatting on a reality tv show in like 2008 or whenever that was filmed lol #5. FLUFFY CLOVERS!! I'd never seen them be furry and soft before?? inchresting.. #6. Noodle sitting in bed with the cat figurines looming above him... the council of kittys... #7. McDonald's full breakfast platter + asparagus + strawberries & cream (also of course this is old and I am now boycotting mcdonalds etc) #i try to group the images somewhat consistently like.. winter stuff with winter stuff or summer stuff with summer stuff #but I have so many random pictrues floating around on my computer that I never post that sometimes some are not organized or just #thrown into a set because there's nowhere else for them. Like the pigeon picture is from like 3 years ago for example lol #8 & 9 - I think I've posted these before but I just find them very interesting looking flowers. whenever they happen to be blooming #I'll pick up a few when I'm out on walks or etc. ... poof ball looking things #photo diary

[taegularities]

Rid I'm so sad that you're receiving this hate but for me you're one of the kindest people in here. I'm always rooting for you. Sending hugs. 🥰

thank you babe, i think i needed to hear this.. you're the sweetest, all the hugs back 🥺🤍

#dunno if anyone will read the tags but to be fully honest.. someone said it just yday but #it just sucks feeling so lonely bc so many ppl here seem to be in groups and also hate me? i know i cant be liked by everyone that's okay #but all this hate?.. n i see people interact and be friends n stuff and im in my corner here and just extremely lonely #mutuals don't really interact w me either :') and then i always feel awkward and weird bc i think nobody WANTS to be my friend #which used to be different. maybe i deserved it idk #but yeah very lonely and very “everyone hates me” feel and makes me not rlly wanna do tumblr and writing anymore which is why i might close #this blog after cmi :( n wow i think ive never said it that openly and maybe ill delete it all again ufjdjfud ive just been Sad about this #idk i just hate constantly asking myself 'does anyone still care or like me at all' it just sucks #i'm saying all this n anons will once again find a way to send hate lol. just made tumblr very not comforting for me.. and yeah. anyways #thank you to you guys who still send so much love. when i say it means a lot i truly mean it bc it's always nice to know that ppl are still #here 🤍 #notes for rid 🌹 #anon

[ehlnofay]

in the midst of a little depressive episode at the moment I fear and it's causing me to Ponder... in a weird way I'm almost grateful. like this is UNBELIEVABLY better than it used to be, even as much as it sucks in the moment. I wish I could go back to find myself at twelve years old hiding out in the school toilets and tell them that as long as we stick it out for long enough then one day the outsize bad emotions will be triggered by actual definable events and they'll be a noticeable change from our baseline. I'm not ✨recovered✨ and I don't know if I ever will be - I think I might have spent too many developmental years creating terrible patterns and associations to be able to straighten it all out - but it's Better and I'm able to know that it can continue to get better, too. and that's fucking huge.

#fay gets uncomfortably personal on her video game blog. NOT SORRY. #idk it's just crazy to think about #I really struggle to tap into this space enough to remember when I'm not actively in it #but I was SO FUCKING SICK back then. I was a child. and I was so fucking ill. I didn't know how young I was and I didn't realise how #disturbing it would feel down the line #(obviously. you don't lie down on the road in the middle of the night thinking 'I can't wait to suddenly remember this moment #in several years so it can become a sticking point in my psyche') #but like. that's my brother's age that's my sister's age I work with kids that age and it's so fucking young! and I'm so young now! #and I bet in five years I'll be going 'what a small little child... crazy' all over again #but like. idk. I was SO ILL. and I don't think it's like people say they thought they'd be dead by a certain age #it was a possibility for me but not an inevitability #but I don't think that I could have foreseen being better #in such a material way. you know. like I can't imagine myself ever fully healthy #or as close as anyone can get. I've had all this shit for so long. the idea of not carrying it anymore is honestly unappealing #like what would I even do without it. who would I be. how could that possibly happen #but this shit is BELIEVABLE. it's not gone it's just better and when it crops up I can deal #and I wish I could take the me of back then by the shoulders and say THIS IS NOT FOREVER!!!!!!! #ride it out long enough and you'll learn to live with it!!!!!!!! #it's just. really fucking huge. and I am so grateful #peace and love on planet earth!!!!

[coquelicoq]

I just want you to know that I so deeply cherish all your untamed and murderbot (and raksura) thoughts that I started reading ORV just so I can get MORE of your fandom thoughts. I wanna be able to understand your new posts!!

this is so sweet 😭 thank you i'm flattered!! there are some really fabulous posts in this fandom, so i'm excited for you to experience them! my own posts are fairly shallow because i haven't done a reread and the story is so long i already can't remember most of it haha, but the fandom seems pretty active on here so it's gonna be a while before i run out of other people's fanart and meta to reblog. standard disclaimer that you read orv at your own risk and i will not be held responsible for any feelings you may or may not experience in the course thereof. godspeed <3

#wow what an incredibly lovely thing to say thank you 😭😭😭 #i do think it's funny how i almost never rec anything‚ i just say unhinged shit & people go okay i need to know what that means. #i don't know that i personally would actually recommend orv to people. my own experience reading it was kind of weird #and i did not have the like. spiritual breakthrough that other people seem to have had #i would recommend that if you are going to read it...take your time with it if possible ! #i was so impatient to start reading meta that i sprinted through a book that's more of a marathon than a sprint #which was utterly exhausting as you might imagine #and idk manage your expectations i guess bc i went in with expectations that were basically impossible to fulfill #just based on the way other people talk about it #i am either too mentally ill not mentally ill enough or the wrong kind of mentally ill to be affected by this story in the way that #other people seem to have been #still really liked the story! just don't have a new lease on life or whatever lol. which is fine! my current lease hasn't expired! #anyway i would love for you to have context for my shitpost on lee jihye's theory on the joongdok lovechild. if nothing else. #it's my chef d'œuvre #asks #not anon #NICE SHIT #will add other indexing tags later #new affirmation to say to myself in the mirror every morning: YOUR THOUGHTS ARE DEEPLY CHERISHED

[lovelaceisntdead]

I can feel my heartbeat in my teeth.

#i am. bit stressed out. #pets have been up and down lately and it's made me worry #and being ill always makes my anxiety spike #and because I've been so tense then I'm worried I'll trigger a migraine #and i think i might be getting my period AGAIN #which may be because of stress also idk. need to make a doctor's appointment about that. #need to get a referral from my dentist for my jaw. #need to refil my prescription. #and losing the last couple of weeks of jan has really thrown me #i don't know when I'll be back to being able to work properly #and i really wanted to do so fun stuff for valentine's day but i know that's just not realistic now #i know people say January always feels so long but i feel like I'm already running out of time!! #i know most of this is silly i wish i could tell my nervous system that because she is. not happy. #maybe tag vomitting will help. idk.

[daz4i]

i hate you people who treat mental illness as something scary i hate you people who act like every asylum is haunted i hate you people who stick their nose into mentally ill people’s lives and creation i hate you people who treat the mentally ill as less human i hate you people who treat the mentally ill as specimen to be watched or a form of entertainment or horror i hate you ableists i hate you

#the side effect of being angry over one thing is that now i'm angry at everything i run into fr. #a video that got into the history of asylums in the us. mentioning how today the situation is good....... uuuuuuh #don't think i ever met any person who had a positive experience in a mental hospital or better than when they came in. myself included #really i mostly just hear abt people saying they were traumatized or getting misdiagnosed and therefore a lacking/wrong treatment #again. myself included. i'm still pissed off over it years later lol #then again who knows abt how it is in the us (he says after talking to people from the us who shared similar experiences) #it's almost as if stripping mentally ill people of their freedom and shoving medicine down their throat and taking away even more of their - #- rights for not behaving perfectly or even tying them up or electrocuting them ''for their safety'' is not a good course of action :) #man i feel like i need to tw the shit out of this so uh #ableism // #medical abuse // #??? idk is that even a tag???? #lmk pls i don't wanna accidentally trigger anyone

[todayisafridaynight]

Oh yeah also to be exact for stream purposes, average playtime from all 60 reviews is 10-12 hours, but total range is 8-15, double for a 100% playthrough. You do have to progress in the side content to progress in the main story (complete x missions/get x points/get to x rank type of deal), and you'll probably want to progress in the side content to level up since it's money-based and that's the fastest way to make money. I'm pretty sure the variance comes from getting sucked into the side content (probably not likely for your playstyle) or having trouble with the bosses at a lower level (they're apparently pretty hard this time).

It also looks like the Infinite Wealth demo is split into two (an adventure mode with the extra cutscenes and another one that's basically the demo we've seen around). Adventure mode Allegedly doesn't have proper saves at the time of writing (this was an annoyance for one reviewer so I assume it's long enough to warrant that), so it's worth taking that into account too. Anyway that's about it lol don't quote me on any of this because my brain just shut off after a certain point <3

OK BET TYSM CHAMP YOURE A LIFESAVER soooooo doing Quick Maths in my brain i might divide the stream up in two if i start playing at 4:30PM and i plan to marathon it.

ill take a break 3:45 - 5:45 saturday morning since that's a part of my regular routine and ill feel weird if i dip on it. I Dont Need Sleep but god forbid i skip out on all That apparently. plus it's a good break period to get exercise in and move around LMAO

going from 4:30PM -> 3:45AM's like.....10~11 hours... so that's about halfway through the game if i get entranced by side content... if we do somehow finish it all in one shot then we can just do the IW stuff after my routine.. epic.. it prob wont be any longer than an hour if that so stream- AUSPICIOUSLY THINKING- should wrap up around 7~9AM saturday.

#snap chats #and then when its all done ill take the longest nap of my life afterwards LMAOOOOO #jk. ill prob sleep for like. a minute. imagine if i did art stream later LMAOOO NONONO maybe sunday.. if im really ill bout it.. #some are wondering Snap Are You Physically Capable Of Doing Thaat and to that i say Yes. Yes I Am. #i didnt grind out buzzsaw mill raids on gaiaonline over night for nothing.. im a Gamer in my soul... a bad one but a gamer nonetheless.. #i did it for ishin i can def do it for gaiden- esp if theres an audience and i have people to chat with #also the Break Time will be a great cut off point for recording so people who can't/don't want to show up for the stream can watch it #see it's all going according to plan..... it's all going swimmingly..... #i like how generous im being with my gaiden time. girl we know im gonna suck and take longer LMAOOO WE AINT DOIN IT IN 8 HOURS #maybe ill 100% gaiden off stream or somn if the side stuff really ropes me in #also im late as balls answering this OOPS my friends came by the dining hall and we all chatted. and apparently im going to aldis tomorrow #DONT KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED but i needed something from the store #just one thing thats it.... i thought of buying snacks and the sort for gaiden but i aint gon subject people t me eating on stream #ill just go with my wack meal prep idea from before LMAO #anyway SIXTY REVIEWS THATS HEINOUS godspeed brother... thank you for your hard word ill do my best to make your work not go in vain #idk HOW but. i'll try not to be lame and low energy during stream I GUESS THATS ALL I CAN DO #boo about Money Aspect returning BUT ILL BE OPTIMISTIC. i wont let that sour me until i see it #i wonder how long the IW demo will be- what it'll HAVE if people are upset about the lack of saves #again i dont think it'll be terrible long- an hour is my min so id be surprised if it reaches two hours #it'd be epic if i could do all of gaiden before my routine since then i can cleanly divide the stream but we'll see