#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away

[iloveyouitisruiningmylife]

spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me

#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason #the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2 #i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head #and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet #and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay #he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all #i have no idea what he has that i don't #but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about #not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me #not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act #im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough #for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away #from my sociopathic parents #and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough #but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d #exams #and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then #never cry #i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really #trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing #oh god this is now a ventpost #mes

[katiesyellowcardcollection]

ill call your mom

trigger warnings - lots of mentions of suicide and the thoughts od doing, bad mental health. please dont read if you feel you cant handle this.

AN: this was written in one siting, not the best just me getting my own feelings out in a fic of some sort

Happiness.  

You're not sure the last time you felt true happiness, maybe when you signed for arsenal when you were 10, maybe when you made your senior debut 7 years later or maybe when you were first called up to England, but you weren't happy now, you hadn't felt true happiness in such a long time that you're not sure what it feels like. You weren't sad either though, you were just empty, disconnected from the world, your family, your teammates.  

You think it's how you've ended up here, curled up in your wardrobe, pills in front of you, you're not entirely sure what pills you've even picked up, you just grabbed every single one in the medicine cupboard that Beth and Viv had been stocking up for you since your injury.  

Your injury.  

It had come at the worst possible time, you were on your way to winning the wsl with Arsenal, on the form of your life, the world cup was just round the corner and everything you'd worked so tirelessly for had come crushing down from a movement you'd done thousands of times in your career.  

You think of that day now as you swallow the pills, you think of the days leading up to it, how you hadn't been feeling quite right, Jonas wanted you to come off minutes before the injury you'd refused and then there was the pop followed by an indescribable pain, pain you'd never felt before and then nothing. You knew as it happened that your world Cup dreams were over, your season was over, everything was over.  

You think of the days after, when you couldn't get out of bed, you couldn't cry, you couldn't feel anything, you haven't felt anything since your mind constantly frozen on that night, on the movement of your knee, one movement that had ruined everything.  

Football was your lifeline, it was all you had ever known, growing up in sporty family you'd been kicking a ball since you could stand, joining a team when you were just 5 year, up until that night there hadn't been a day go past when you hadn't kicked a ball or been out on the grass doing some kind of training drill. When you were being bullied as kid, football was how you coped with it all, when the shouting and slamming doors got too much you had football and when you needed football the most you didn't have it, you didn't have an escape.  

You were struggling to breathe now, gasping for air you couldn't breathe, and you didn't care, you were content with dying, leaving everything behind, your teammates, football that was really all you had, you wondered if anyone would truly care, if your death would leave them unsettled you think your teammates would be upset but you didn't think your death would life altering for them, they only care because they have to, because your their teammate and they have to care to some extent.  

You were losing consciousness now, you hadn't expected for it to happen this quickly for the side effects of the pills you'd taken to work this fast, as you faded in and out of consciousness you felt nothing but relief, it was a feeling you'd been craving for since your injury, previously you thought youd feel relief when you stepped on the pitch for the first time since the injury, except you hadn't felt anything, not relief or joy instead it was almost like a chore being subbed on, two years after you'd first tore your acl, two years of hell, two years begging to run again, two years of wanting nothing more than to be on a pitch again, yet you felt nothing as you high fived Leah letting you onto the field again, both sets of fans applauding your return back. it was like your injury had stripped everything good about you away from you, turning you into the silhouette of the girl you used to be.  

in hindsight you should've known that Viv would come knocking when you didn't show up for dinner forgetting she owned a key to your apartment, you should've realised that when you ignored your teammates numerous calls and texts that they would come running, always wanting to help the people they loved most.  

You could hear distant banging, desperate pounding at your door, then the click of a lock, your lock, then the shouts of your teammates screaming your name, the urgency in their voices becoming clearer. 

You're not sure how they knew that something was seriously wrong, maybe it was instinct or the way your bathroom had been torn apart, the beer bottles that were scattered around your living room or maybe it was your silence.  

You should feel someone shaking you, this wasn't death, you could feel the floor of your wardrobe, the clothes hanging up above you, you weren't meant to be back here.  

You were supposed to be dead.  

You could hear someone screaming at you begging you to open your eyes. 

“Oh god y/n wake up for me” 

They were crying and shouting for help, shaking your fragile body, you wish that they would stop and shut up for one second, but you couldn't speak, you couldn't move, you were just led there, listening to their desperate cries for help.  

You wish you had taken more at that second; you didn't want to have to deal with your teammates finding out, talking about your feelings, you didn't want that, you wanted to be dead there was nothing more you wanted at that moment.  

.........................................................................................................................

You woke up to beeping, loud harsh beeps, wires wrapped around your body, you wished you were mistaken, you wished so desperately that this was some kind of afterlife and not a hospital.  

A hospital meant you were still alive and still breathing.  

It meant it hadn't worked.  

Youd failed. Failed at something else again.  

You couldn't even kill yourself right.   

“Hiya y/n” You heard Viv whisper out.  

Slowly you opened your eyes, you noticed the bodies of your teammates laid out on chairs, each with the same concerned facial expressions, they smiled up at you. You turned your focus to Viv, she was sitting next to you holding your hand, you realised, she gave you a sympathetic look, you could see the worry in her eyes, she'd always been a worrier, always wanting to make sure the people she loved most were okay.  

“Why am I not dead.” 

You croak out, wincing as you do so your throat hurting. 

your words hung in the air for a few minutes, none of your teammates quite sure how to respond to such a question. In their minds the answer was easy, you weren't ready to die, you had a life worth living for, you were the most loving, thoughtful person, they knew how could someone so young and ‘innocent’ want to not be here anymore, not want to do life anymore.  

It was Katie who spoke first, her accent thicker than normal, her face full of worry.  

“Because you have a life here with us kiddo, life is so much more than what you may think it is, you still have so much left to do before you leave y/n.” 

You're not sure why or how but her words bring you to tears, she hadn't said anything groundbreaking, yet here you were moved to tears for the first time in two years, you hadn't cried since the night of your injury.  

You can feel Viv rubbing your back as you continue to let out tears, you're sobbing now, everything that had happened to you in the past two years coming out, everything the club psychologist had tried to get you out was spilling out of you, the thoughts of your teammates witnessing this sent you into another set of tears, you didn't want them to see you like this, you were a mess, you didn't want them knowing just how much you were struggling.  

Viv seemed to have sensed this as she forced everyone out of your hospital room leaving just you and her.  

She didn't say anything at first, she just continued rubbing your back, whispering soft Dutch words to you in hopes to calm you down slightly, remembering when you had a Panick attack before you made your debut that speaking in her native language had help you to calm down.  

Eventually your sobbing eased off and all that could be heard was your heavy breathing.  

“What happened y/n?”  

You're not sure how to answer that question truth to be told you didn't know, you remember grabbing the pills and swallowing them, but you don't remember what had switched that evening why you'd decided to go through with it.  

You had thought of doing it before, but you were always too scared to actually follow through, you'd written notes, gathered the supplies but you'd never put the plan into place before and you're not sure why you decided that today you would actually follow through.  

“I don't know” 

She just shakes her head in response.  

“You do sweetheart, you don't just try to kill yourself” 

You nod in agreement, she's right someone doesn't just do it, there has to be things leading up to it, you're just not sure why tonight, what had happened today that left you so ready to leave  

“I've been thinking about it for a while Vivi just today I actually tried I don't know I'm sorry.” 

“You don't have to say sorry kiddo, your still here and that's what matters the most to me, to us, were going to help you through this alright darling, I love you so much.” 

She says removing her hands of your back and going in for a hug, kissing your head as she does so.  

#arsenal women #leah williamson #woso #awfc #alessia russo #awfc x teen reader #katie mccabe x teen reader #katie mccabe #vivianne miedema #beth mead #woso fanfics #woso community #womens football #viv miedema #caitlinfoord #woso x reader

[cryptidcorners]

Josh Futturman x Reader Headcanons

= Character: Josh Futturman

= Media: Show!Future Man

= Prompt: N/A

= Description: Just !Platonic & !Romantic mixed Headcanons!

= Request: N/A

= Tags: Fluff ! Headcanons, Shy/Awkward Josh, Romantic + Platonic, Established Relationship, Some Comfort + Reader is !GN

= Warnings: None.

= Please Read my INTRO before interacting !

Josh has always struggled to maintain relationships, including ones with friends. Not only because he's incredibly socially awkward, but his escapism within videogames plays a major factor. So, he treasures what he has with you much more seriously than anyone you knew.

Rambles about his games all the time. His interests are something you can never get him to shut up about. Josh is usually into strategies, lore & development, his favorite being "Biowars", which you already knew had quite the reputation for being a challenging videogame.

He's pretty bubbly, especially around you. Josh is an absolute sweetheart and will get flustered at almost anything. His childish personality roots out much more when you're around, mostly because Josh feels more comfortable.

He isn't very open about his feelings, mostly because he's afraid of losing people. Josh desperately wants to be a part of something and refuses to mess it up somehow. Josh, however, is very different when you're opening up. He'll advise, comfort and try to cheer you up. (It's actually crazy how good his advice is sometimes.)

Josh is content with following you anywhere, as long as it doesn't involve his house or hear his parents. If I'm going to be honest, if he's particularly choosing somewhere to lounge, it'd be an arcade. It's a field where he specializes in and he can impress you easily. It's also somewhere he can discard his low self-esteem and indulge in his skills.

Praise is like a drug to Josh. Compliments or any sight of you liking him (or what he's doing), he feels intense dopamine. He really enjoys making people happy.

He's pretty charismatic sometimes, even when he's not trying to be. Josh is usually awkward when directly talking to somebody with a set question or goal in mind, but when he needs to go with the flow, it's much more grounded. With you in mind, Josh is much more relaxed, so he isn't as shy as he is with strangers.

Wouldn't exactly say he's very affectionate, but he wouldn't mind hugging either. Again, Josh is pretty awkward, and I doubt he rarely showcases soft intimacy around anyone (whenever it's platonic or romantic). He would love to do it, but he's very shy. Though, he isn't afraid to try. If you ask, he's perfectly fine with holding your hand or sitting close.

As I mentioned, Josh is very tentative on affection, especially receiving it, but he loves getting his hair and face touched. Dude needs love.

Digs through your trash. He doesn't have any ill intents, but Josh will take time out of his day to scavenge through waste instead of asking you a minor question. I know I mentioned he's very relaxed around you, but Josh definitely overthinks, especially with relationships. He tries his best.

Will cry real tears of joy if you ever give him something. Josh really appreciates gifts, no matter who it's from. Even if it's not game related, he's definitely holding onto it for a while. (Bonus Points If: It's an animal toy, a decoration or handmade.)

Romantically speaking, he enjoys kissing you or indulging in anything sweet. A lot of giggling & sweet talk. Josh isn't very experienced in relationships like this, so he tried to wing it. Needless to say, he probably gets advice from Google images and it's adorable to see him try his best to impress you.

Will always defend you, even if he fails miserably. Absolute trooper.

Josh will one hundred percent get emotional at any piece of film he is watching with you. Especially if it's a game cutscenes and it involves animals.

Huge softie. I don't think Josh can handle saying anything remotely mean to you or reviving it. If he does, expect a flood of apologies.

Can get way into character sometimes, whatever context this is. You know what I'm talking about.

Very clingy. No other words.

Lastly, he'd definitely call you nicknames in the cutest way possible. If he lets you call him "Joshy", you've probably earned the highest pillar of his trust.

#🎮 josh futturman #josh futturman #josh futturman x reader #future man #headcanons #josh hutcherson #writing #writers on tumblr #future man 2017

[rukkiya]

what have you done

(baizhu x reader)

tw: mentions of sickness, reader struggles with breathing

More than a week has passed and now Baizhu was starting to second guess his suspicion. He found it strange how lately he’s been feeling little to no symptoms from his underlying condition.

He’s come to realize for the past few weeks he’s been in top shape, better than before.

There have been weeks maybe sometimes months where his condition seems to have no effects on him, not causing him to be in the excruciating pain he’s constantly in, but it always comes back after a while. It never leaves him for more than two months tops so he’s growing skeptical as to what could’ve helped erase his pain for this long.

You take note of his symptoms when you walk into the pharmacy for your shift.

“Good morning Dr. Baizhu, any new prescriptions for me to work on today?” You ask as you remove your coat, making your way to your office.

“No need for the formalities dear y/n, you’ve been my assistant for two years already.” He chuckles, a genuine smile gracing his features. “Only one new prescription for one of our regulars who’ll be down to pick it up later today, I’ll help you make it shortly.” You take note of his voice, how it doesn’t sound as strained and how his shoulders don’t seem as tense.

“I’ll get started, take your time.” You send him a smile back, a sigh of relief escaping your lips seeing him look at peace, knowing he’s no longer feeling pain.

Though your moment of relief was short lived. Once you turned the corner of the hall and made your way into your office you got sent into a coughing fit. One that made it hard to breathe.

The pain that’s been building up slowly since the symptoms you received was finally taking full effect now. A few months ago you had made the decision yourself to take away baizhus illness and give it to yourself. You made sure to do it as subtle as possible, taking it piece by piece for the past few months.

You knew the repercussions and what would eventually happen to you if you did so but you did it anyway. Though it was hitting you harder than you’d imagined it would you don’t regret what you’ve done, nor will you ever tell anyone or Baizhu what you’ve done.

You had a knack for wanting to see others get better, that is why you joined the medical field at such a young age. You weren’t blessed by the archons, bestowed a vision like many great people you know, Baizhu and Qiqi included. But you did have a particular gift you were born with. No one but your family and you know of it of course.

You had the ability to take away any injury, cut, gash, wound, flu, or illness away from one person and help them recover or fully heal but the only thing was it would be placed onto you and you’d have to take over what it was that you would heal someone from. A power that your parents referred to as a double edged sword.

They discovered your power when you were only seven years old. Your younger brother had fallen and scraped his knees and was crying nonstop. You felt bad and decided to help patch him up and you put your hand over his wound to stop the small bleeding only to wince in pain as you did so.

Your mother pulled your hand away and inspected your little brother's wound to find it completely gone, no trace of it being there in the first place. Not even a scar left behind. But when she looked at you she saw a small gash upon your knee, just where you little brother had it mere seconds ago. Since then she and your father had forbidden you from using your powers for anything more serious than so. They know what lengths you’d go to just to help others so they were reluctant on letting you go into the medical field but couldn’t stopped you in the end, it’s what made you the happiest after all.

You shakily push yourself off from the door, legs slowly making their way to your desk as you feel too lightheaded to stand upright.

“How has Baizhu been dealing with this all along?” You question yourself as you squeeze your eyes shut.

“Y/n, are you sick too?” Qiqi’s small voice comes from behind you, making you jump in surprise.

“Qiqi!” You look at the small child with wide eyes, your heartbeat loud from suddenly hearing her voice when you didn’t even spot her coming in. “Ah, no sweetie. It’s not that, I’m not sick.” you laugh it off, hoping she didn’t catch you wince when you turn to her feeling your lungs squeeze.

“I’m just uhh sleepy yeah! I’m sleepy!” You smile at her, feeling bad for lying to her but you don’t want her to worry or even worse inform Baizhu of your condition.

“But you were dizzy, like you were in pain.” Qiqis eyebrows furrow making you feel worse, she’s just a kid but she notices the slightest difference in someone’s demeanor . “Y/n Is something the matter? I think I should get Mr Baizhu.” She nods her head content with her decision before you even reply to her and turns on her heels.

“Qiqi wait!” You push yourself off your desk and quietly run around her kneeling down and offering her your best convincing smile before she can open the door. “Sweetie it’s no big deal I promise. Look you can see for yourself I’m doing just fin-“

“But your hands are shaking, you’re also perspiring.” Her small hand makes contact with your forehead and the corners of her mouth turn down making your stomach sink.

Why am I lying to a child? What’s wrong with me? You feel horrible, she’s just concerned and you're lying to her face when she’s just worried about your well being.

“Qiqi listen ok, I’m sorry. I am a bit under the weather today but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ll make sure to take things slow ok?” You slowly stand back up giving her small hand a squeeze. Taking a deep breath in to help regulate your breathing.

Her head tilts a bit, eyes narrowing as she tries to see through your lie. Something she's definitely picked up from Baizhu. Her small hand reaches for yours and she gives it a small squeeze.

“Don't overwork yourself, if your symptoms get worse i'll have no choice but to inform Mr Baizhu.” a small frown makes its way onto her mouth and you feel even more bad now.

“Sweetie don't feel like it’s your fault, I know how far I can push myself and when to stop. I really do appreciate your concern. If I feel any worse I will take my leave for the day, ok?” You give her small hand a reassuring squeeze hoping she won't say anything soon, hoping you can mask the pain that shoots through your body with every passing second.

“I have to prepare some antibiotics for a customer in a bit but tell you what, afterwards Baizhu you and I will head out for lunch! I'll buy you coconut milk and we can walk around for a bit afterwards! You can also check up on me then ok.” you see Qiqi’s eyes light up a bit and you feel relief wash over your body. A nice day spent out with them both sounded lovely , hopefully the pain wasn't as excruciating as it usually is later on.

“What’s this? Are you both making plans without me?” Baizhu’s voice comes from behind you, making you jump from where you stood.

“Baizhu! Were you standing there the whole time?!” you ask, feeling your heart drop a bit worried that he heard everything.

“My my, do I seem like someone who'd do such a thing?” he laughs making your frown deepen only making him laugh a bit harder.

“What little trust you have in me dear, we've known each other for far too long, have some faith in me.” he chuckles, stepping in smiling at the sight of you holding qiqi’s hand. His heart squeeze’s in a way he hasn't felt in so long, not one due to pain. Seeing you two puts him at ease makes his worry fade.

“I was just telling Qiqi how I wanted to treat you both to lunch later, after our customer pick’s up their prescription of course!” you clear your throat, hoping he didn't see the look of worry you wore thinking he heard you're sick.

“That sounds lovely y/n, only thing is it'll be my treat. You both deserve it. You both have been working very hard as of late and I need to show my deep appreciation to my two dear helpers now don't I?.”

“Wait that's not fair though I-”

“Ahahah,” he tuts taking slow steps to where Qiqi and you stood. “No need to argue ok.” he smiles down at you both, eyes crinkling at the corners. “I just want to treat you both, I'm just glad you are both still here with me, that we're all here together.” his eyes soften and you feel your heart rate pick up. He looks at peace.

“Baizhu has been feeling better as of late.” Changsheng hisses and Baizhu clears his throat making you and Qiqi laugh.

You knew exactly what Changsheng was talking about but didn't press further. You know exactly why he is and you're happy that he's not in pain, that's how you always want to see him.

“Now Qiqi, please do me a favor and run the front desk for me. Y/n and I have to work on a prescription, we’ll be done in a bit ok?” Baizhu kneels down, hand gently laying upon the small girl's head to which she gives a small nod and wastes no time walking out.

Baizhu sigh’s and stands back up to close the door behind her.

“Now shall we get started?” He chirps turning back to you with a closed eyed smile.

You only nod, walking to your desk to get the herbs and vial’s to mix for the antibiotics you need to finish.

“What’s the patient's diagnosis again?” You ask, bending down my the medicine cabinet in the corner of your room.

“Acute bronchitis.” He hums, leaning on the side of your desk watching your every move.

“Ah ok, so the medication calls for-“

Baizhu pushes himself off as he sees you kneel down, legs slightly shaking as you do so.

“Y/n stand back up for me.” Baizhus voice sounds much closer now making you almost drop the herbs you held in your hands.

“Baizhu-“

You turn to face him and the pain in your chest spikes up from moving too fast. The burn in your lungs and the tightness on your esophagus made your eyes burn in no time.

Your hold on the herbs slips from your hands as you clutch your chest, gasping for air now.

The vials never hit the floor. Before they did Baizhu quickly caught hold of them quickly reaching for you seconds after before your legs could give out.

“Y/n? What’s wrong?” Baizhu asks, concern evident in his tone.

“They’re sick.” Changsheng hisses as he slowly kneels to the floor with you.

“N-no im-“ a coughing fit came up seconds after making you clutch your already sore throat. You nod your head frantically at Changshengs accusation.

“Arms up dear, if you can't breathe don't freak out it’ll only make matters worse you know that!” Baizhu gently grabs hold of your arms and lifts them above your head making your eyes widen.

It felt as if it made things worse, you were getting scared. It was getting too hard to breathe let alone concentrate.

“Y/n! No don’t- ah look! Look at me-“ Baizhu’s hands were on both sides of your face getting you to look him in the eyes.

His golden like eyes stare at you with concern as he nods his head in assurance. “I’m here, you’re ok, just breath ok breath with me come on.” He inhales and you try only to feel your throat close up again but Baizhu urges you. His hand rubbing soothing circles on your back while his other one keeps one of your hands over your head.

Again, he inhales and you did so along with him, then a slow and steady exhale and you shakily do the same.

“Good, good, calm down with me, you're ok.” He offers a small smile though he still looks worried.

“I told you, when they walked in today I sensed it.” Changsheng peeks down from Baizhus shoulder, eyes narrowing at you.

“This sickness seems awfully familiar.” The snake comes closer and you feel as if they’re both too close, seeing into you.

“Y/n are you sick? How long has this been going on for?!” Baizhu grabs your wrist, placing two fingers on your wrist to check your racing pulse.

“Not too long.” You inhale sharply, feeling a stabbing sensation on your right lung making you hunch.

“Nono, dear stay up you know you have to.” Baizhus hand rubs your back, straightening your spine as you close your eyes and nod your head.

“Sorry, sorry I know I’ll be fine in a minute.” You exhale, a small laugh coming out hoping to ease the worry that was evident in his eyes.

“Y/n, I’m serious. When did you-“

Another coughing fit comes up making your hands cover your mouth and Baizhu feels his thoughts come to a halt when he sees a dark red substance seep through the cracks between your fingers.

“Baizhu this seems…..awfully familiar.” Changsheng whispers to the already worried man, making him come to a realization that he never thought was possible.

Did they get my sickness? But it isn’t contagious, how would this be? Baizhu thinks to himself, moving your hand from your mouth and placing his handkerchief over your lips wiping excess blood.

“This can't be…” Baizhu whispers and Changsheng slithers up closer to you.

“They’re hiding something Baizhu.” The snake slithers off of Baizhu’s shoulders and onto your lap.

You look at the snake then at baizhu whose eyes are boring into yours, trying to figure out how exactly your conditions seem awfully familiar to the one he has, to the one he had.

“Baizhu it’s nothing.” You give him a small smile, breathing somewhat evening out as you reach your hand to his gently grabbing the handkerchief.

“I just caught a cold, but now your handkerchief is ruined you didn't need to-“

“Did you know?” He whispers, connecting the dots in his head and he fears something he never thought would happen. He truly thought he hid it well, that no one knew except for Changsheng, but how did you get it?

“Know what? Baizhu I don’t understand-“

“This sickness isn’t just a cold or flu, it’s a rare disease that affects very little of the population. This isn’t something that could be contracted.” He reaches for his stethoscope and holds his breath.

“Y/n who have you been around recntl-“

His voice fell upon deaf ears, all you could hear was your heartbeat ringing in your ears.

“Y/n….y/n?” His eyes look back up to meet yours and he drops the stethoscope from his hold.

You look scared, afraid, guilty. Like a deer caught in headlights, like a child caught doing something they weren’t supposed to.

“Did you know about what I had?” His voice comes out small, almost sounding like he was on the brink of tears.

“I-I just…” your vision gets blurred at the look of horror written on his features.

“I couldn’t bare seeing you smile when you were in so much pain, I just wanted to help…. l-let you live freely without hiding something that was tearing you apart, I want to help you like you have helped so many others.” You stutter, voice cracking as you see his eyes brim with unsead tears. His hands reaching for your shaking ones.

He feels time slow down, sees your lips moving but his ears go deaf just as yours had earlier. He never thought you knew. He thought he had his it so well but he was wrong.

He’s always fooled people. Made them belive he was ok, nothing was wrong with him, he was never sick. When deep down he was the one sufferening pain far worse than any of his patients and he never got rest from it. Instead he held his head up high, masked his pain with a smile and people bought it, he thought you had too.

A long life wasn’t something Baizhu had ever seen for himself but when he had greedy thoughts he though of living the rest of his life with none other than Qiqi and you in perfectly harmony, but he knew that wasn’t how the real world was.

But when he had started feeling better a few months back he had hope, a small sliver but some nonetheless. Maybe someday his wish would come true and he could tell you what he’s really felt for so long.

So why are you sick now? Why are you suffering with the same mind numbing, painful sickness he once had? Why you? Not You. This can't be. He thought he hid it so well from you. But the real question that has been running over and over in his head is one he has a hard time saying but he just wants to know, if you knew about his sickness, what lengths have you gone to do this to yourself? How did you do this?

He feels his own hands shake. Even though his sickness is no longer affecting him he feels pain in his heart far worse than any pains he's felt from his illness.

Now it was his breathing that had become uneven. Shaky hands reach for your face to get you to look him in the eye as he tries his best to not let his voice waver.

This can't be real, his thumbs trace the curve of your cheekbones, your skin feels hot to the touch but the sweat on your forehead shows signs of chills. Why has this happened to you of all people? “Y/n.” He calls your name, barely above whisper, his breath hitching when your glossy eyes meet his. He thinks he knows what’s happened, but he just wants to hear you say it. “What have you done?”

_________________

authors note: hello lovelies!\( * ́꒳`*)/ FINALLY WROTE FOR BAIZHU DUUDAISU this has been in my mind FOR AO LONG! This was one i was very excited to write bc pretty dendro healer deserves more attention!! he’s also coming out soon so kind of an early celebration for that hehe! I hope you all enjoy this one left it off on a cliffhanger kind of idk but I had to for the affect heshhshsh SORRY- but! reminder to drink water, eat yummy foods and most importantly stay safe! ^~^<3 (also this isn’t proofread so sorry for any errors!)

#genshin impact #genshin impact headcanons #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact imagines #genshin impact baizhu #baizhu x reader #genshin impact baizhu x reader #oneshot #genshin angst #genshin sickfic

[anzulvr]

ʚɞ On Purpose Karma x (fem) Reader || Chapter: 1 ୨୧

001 Game Time || Next

[Name] was standing behind the chain-link fence, wide-eyed and immersed in the E-class VS A-class baseball game exhibition.

"You can't seriously be interested in this— since when are you a sports fan?" Kaho scoffed.

"Since today?" Truthfully, [Name] wasn't all that interested in the game, her eyes were set on Karma.

"Oh I get it, you've got a thing for one of the players!"

"What? No! Where'd you get that from?!"

"Shindo right? Don't worry, I won't tell!" Kaho noted with a breathy laugh.

[Name] nodded fervently. It was better for Kaho to believe [Name] liked Shindo rather than word get out that she was dating Karma.

It was Karma's idea to keep everything on the down low, that way people wouldn't give her a hard time for being with him.

"Batter number eight, left fielder, Akabane." The commentator on the speaker brought her attention back to the field.

Karma stayed in place, all eyes were on him.

"Hang on, never pegged you as the type to play dirty, sir. If the rules haven't changed this little gambit ain't legal, they're bogarting the infield umpire should have called 'em on it by now."

His voice grew in confidence by the second, "Oh come on, anyone else smell a rat or is it just me?"

Karma turned to face the fence where most of the main campus was spectating from.

"Oh never mind, you guys are morons! Baseballs like a foreign language to ya!"

[Names] peers collectively grew angry, yelling insults back at him. Karma took it all in stride, turning back with a smile, happy to have elicited a response.

No one expected E class to play this well, even Shindo looked defeated, Kunugigaokas star player was struggling to get a hit against the lowest ranked class.

"Preed, do you mind getting us something to drink?" Kaho half-heartedly requested.

"Yeah I've got you, I'll be back!" He scurried off instantly, anything Kaho asked from him went.

"Kaho… don't you think this is a little much?" [Name] asked.

"It's not like they'll find out. Guys are such idiots."

Kaho dated a lot but not out of love, she got a kick out of toying with people, or maybe she wanted to feel loved, [Name] couldn't know for sure, she was only able to make assumptions based on what she saw on the exterior since Kaho wasn't the type to speak vulnerably.

"You're with three guys this time, and Preed is nice, I feel bad." [Name] said disapprovingly, she kept her tone hushed and careful no one was listening in.

"He'll live… Are you with me or against me?"

"Okay, Okay sorry."

If Kaho wasn't with Preed, she was with Seo or Yozo. [Name] couldn't go a day without third wheeling, ever since Karma was moved down to end class she hadn't had anyone else to hang out with.

Who knew baseball could be so intense? At some point Karma dodged a bat to the face by the millisecond, eventually, the game ended, the speakers blasted for the final announcement.

"The game is over, I can't even��� this is insane… the winner is, I never thought I'd say this but the winner is E-class…!"

The students from the main campus complained about the loss as they left, the only people cheering were in end class themselves.

"Preed still isn't back, I'll go look for him, see you around [Name]." Kaho sighed on her way out.

[Name] pulled her phone out and sent Karma a message.

message start

[Name] Meet me at the small building to my left?

Karma looked around the field until his eyes caught yours, his focus went back to your contact as he typed out a reply.

[Karma] Yeah just a second Ill have to make an excuse

message end

"What are you smiling about Karma?" Rio grinned while trying to get a peek at his phone from behind his shoulder, unfortunately for her, he could sense her creeping up on him before she got the chance.

"I'm getting a call, I'll meet back with everyone in a few!"

Once he was out of earshot Rio turned to Hinano "What's he lying for? I wasn't able to read his screen but I know he wasn't getting a call."

"That's suspicious… What if he's hiding a girl!" Says Hinano "Or a body!" Fuwa chimes in

"Out of those two outcomes the body seems more plausible…" Rio laughs, she tilts her head as if she's got a brilliant idea, "Hey Ritsu, you should listen in on what he's doing through his phone!"

"I shouldn't eavesdrop… I told everyone I wouldn't do anything without full consent."

Unfortunately for Ritsu, Rio's knack for sweet-talking has always been unmatched, "Exactly! As his friends we have to look out for him, we can't do that if he's sneaking around all the time, doing this would make you such a caring friend!"

"I'd be caring…? I guess that makes sense, okay I'll do it for friendship!" Ritsu, who’s new to all sorts of human emotions and expressions, naively gathers up her resolve. Now she’s just as involved as the rest of the group.

ᝰ ♡

Karma put his batting helmet on [Name's] head "Sorry you had to watch us destroy your class on the field." He bragged, not anything new.

"I was rooting for you, keeping my poker face was hard!"

"Your eyes were shaped like hearts and you were practically foaming at the mouth, your poker face could use some work."

"I was not! Anyway, how are things in E class? You look pretty close with everyone." [Name] turned the topic around.

"Is that jealousy I hear? Cute, but don't worry [Name] I still like you best."

"I'm not jealous! Just a little worried, the way Mr. Ono decided to send you to end class was harsh."

"I'm good I promise, I like it better in 3E, The only thing I miss about the main campus is you." He flicked her forehead. [Name] handed the helmet back to him, playfully shoving it into his chest.

"I know I complain about how annoying you are every day but, I wish Mr. Ono sent me to End class with you."

Karma smiled and shook his head no, "Don't go getting crazy ideas, tell you what, i'll take you out to eat as a consolation prize!"

"It's not a consolation prize if I wanted you to win!"

"Right, so what I'm hearing is, you're paying?"

"I take it back! I'm so upset you won…please pay for us!"

"Fineee…" He feigns disappointment "We'll go to [Café], right after school tomorrow, don't be late!"

#Akabaneonpurpose #ansatsu kyoushitsu #karma akabane #karma x reader #akabane karma x reader #karma akabane x reader #assassination classroom x reader #assassination classroom #assclass #karma akabane headcannons

[sophieinwonderland]

Now, why would you dare me to embarrass you and your pals like that?

I appreciate how you wanted my attention so bad you posted me to not one, but two subreddits.

Makes a girl feel special! 🤣

I have actually never seen Wikipedia cited as a source about endogenic plurality. Though I do see anti-endos all the time, when asked for sources, telling people to just Google things.

Anyway, here's @guardianssystem's document filled with academic papers about endogenic plurality:

I've compiled my own, but honestly, theirs is better organized than mine.

And in the interest of fairness, here are all the anti-endo papers debunking endogenic plurality:

Sorry, I forgot. Those don't exist. Oops. 🤷‍♀️

Echo chamber? LOL!

Weren't you the one spouting a bunch of lies on Tumblr, got totally debunked, posted the people who debunked you to r/systemscringe to have a hugbox where fakeclaimers could assure you how the people who contradicted you are all fakers, and then blocked everyone who disagreed with you?

Weren't you also the one who, when shown a quote from an expert in dissociative disorders who worked on the DSM-5 saying that a disorder isn't a disorder if it doesn't cause distress, argued that the people who defined what disorder are must be wrong about that definition?

You're a misinformation machine who can only find support when huddled in cringe subreddits. Don't try to talk about people in echo chambers.

Also, you know most of psychology is just... listening to people? That's how it's been as long as the field existed. DID (or MPD at the time) was a recognized disorder since long before the first brain scans were conducted on DID patients. It's saying something though when basically every single scientist who has ever researched endogenic plurality has said they believe it's a real thing, or that it could be. While absolutely zero academic papers have expressed that it's fake.

There is also an fMRI study into tulpa systems that's been in the works, but results have yet to be published.

Sure, if that's what you'd like me to call you, Crazy. 😊

Anyway, Crazy, you should know that just because you personally find something scary doesn't mean everyone will or that the thing is bad. Personal preferences are a thing.

In a study of tulpamancers though, most generally reported their lives becoming better after the practice.

78% reported improvements in their mental health, and 91% on overall life.

There are many out there who would jump at the chance to have someone there with them that knows them intimately, and to never have to be alone again.

If it's not for you, then so be it.

But it's certainly not something to be afraid of.

And maybe, for those who are willing to commit to the practice while America struggles with an epidemic of loneliness, it's something worth being open to.

This is actually pretty fair.

But that's now, and I'm looking at course of history and trends of plural acceptance.

300 years ago, any plural would be viewed as demon possessed and end up tortured or killed for their plurality.

70 years ago, all plurality was seen as a mental illness, and it was common to force plurals, as well as anyone else associated with mental illnesses, into asylums.

30 years ago, the first real plural communities were able to connect on the internet and form in small numbers.

8 years ago, the first studies into endogenic plurality started being conducted. 4 years ago, the ICD-11 acknowledged that you could have multiple distinct personality states without a disorder. 2023 marked the first, but certainly not the last, time a system used their system name as an author of an academic paper.

Recently, new plural resources have been designed and put into use. More servers than ever are using Pluralkit. And Simply Plural went from 100k users at the end of 2021 to 210k at the end of 2022.

Progress is happening far more rapidly than you realize. And you had best be ready for it.

BOO! 👻

Oh, hey, I just realized... this is literal pluralphobia!

Liberté!

Egalité!

Fraternité!

And yes, The Future is Plural! 😜

#syscourse #plural #plurality #pro endo #pro endogenic #endogenic #systems #multiplicity #plural system #endogenic system #system stuff #plural community #systemscringe #fake disorder cringe #r/systemscringe #sysblr #system things #actually plural #actually a system #the future is plural #I dare you to post this to your hate subs! 😝

[kirimoochi]

past life.

₊˚ ᗢ kazuha x gn! reader.

⤷ i met you once before, in my previous life.

He was a peasant, and you were a noble. 

Working in the fields, he brushes the back of his hand against his sweating forehead. A few dribbled down his neck and past his short ponytail. His crops were beginning to struggle this year due to the harsh conditions. Winds and thunder were ever the more prominent as the Shogun continued her long reign. He was starting to find his life rather difficult to live through. If he wasn’t fighting against the overbearing heat, he would be fighting his growling stomach.

His younger brother was too small to help in the fields, his mother had fallen ill, and his father was in town, trying to find him a suitor. He was at the age at which he needed to get married to secure a financially stable future. However, it wasn’t easy. It was rather difficult for the past couple of days for his father, who has yet to come to terms with the fact that no one would want to marry a poor farmer. 

He sighs under his breath, continuing to plow the soaked fields. He doesn’t want to get married to just anyone. He dreamt that they would be like a free bird, someone who would like to explore the rest of Inazuma with him. Enter the courtyards, clap their hands, wish for a good harvest during New Year, and eat freshly prepared salted fish at a restaurant. 

He hardly had any time to himself. Very little time to go into town and leisure around. Nevertheless, he found at least a small minute to admire the way the sun would set behind mountain tops. Had he been given a blessing by his Archon, he might have been able to settle in a new house with a perfect view of its orange rays. It would have been a nice thought to have come to life. 

Bells and chimes rang as a carriage was pulled across the open roads. Kazuha squints his eyes as he raises his hand, shielding himself from the burning heat. It wasn’t common for small nobles to stop by his farm. It had always been slightly secluded enough for them to unravel and admire the open plains. 

He presses his lips together as he begins to worry. Just as it wasn’t unordinary for nobles to stop by, they oftentimes stared at him like an animal on display, for the wealthy never bat an eye to those lesser. He tilts his head downwards in shame, trying to draw his eyes away from the door opening. 

You step down with your servant, pulling out a parasol as you stared off into the distant skies. Men surrounded your carriage to take care of the horses, feeding them and patting them down. You couldn’t help but feel a little exhausted despite riding in a cart. Noise surrounded you like buzzing flies. People crowded around you with proposals. You only wish to swat them away. 

Ignoring your servant's calls, you walk along the fields, feeling the tall grass brush against the fabric of your clothes. You want to get away from all this unnecessary noise. The noise kept following you as if you were a rotten piece of meat. One that seemed oh-so desirable to the wealthy. You curse yourself for the misfortune you had. Being born into a wealthy family only meant that the voices would never leave and that you will always feel a warm breath against the back of your neck.

Clutching your parasol tightly you hold back small beads of tears at the corners of your eyes. Wiping them away with the back of your finger, you gaze at the lone farmer at the center of the field. His blond hair was tied back, his eyes too focused on weeding out the small, uneven patches which had infected his farm. You felt strange watching him. Was it wrong of you to say you felt at ease? Envious even? 

That a man such as he had the luxury of enjoying the fruits of life. To use his blessed arms for something other than decoration? He was nothing like you. He was hardworking. You deemed yourself lazy. One person worked for the good of Inazuma, the other was mere property to the gaze of nobles. One had an impact on the grasslands, while the other collected dust. 

You stifled a laugh when he struggled against a vegetable that refused to be pulled out of the ground. He was tugging with all his might and just when he was about to give up, it came out with an easy ‘pop.’ He fell to the ground, albeit with a little frustration lacing his tongue. When you let out an awfully loud laugh, his head snapped up to you. 

His eyes widen as you smile at him. A gleeful expression was written across your face, a stark contrast to the gloomy, almost bored look that you came here with. At first, he thought you were laughing at him for being unfortunate and dare he say, a sad waste in the land of eternity. However, with your rather genuine smile and sweet laugh, he couldn’t help but feel enamored by your presence. 

And it was the same for you. Your eyes were met with the beautiful sight of a man’s grin, one that seemed so true that it made your heart flutter for a moment. Years spent with people whose smiles stretched too far sent shivers down your spine and made you uneasy. Yet his was warm like the sun. It felt kind. 

The whistling of your servant broke your attention. They ran down the hill and pulled on your arm, tugging you away from the fields. You looked over your shoulder, staring at the mysterious man one last time before waving. He seemed shocked at the small gesture, but he waved goodbye to you.

You wondered if the two of you will ever meet again. 

#₊˚ ᗢ kirimoochi #genshin #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #kazuha #kazuha kaedehara #kazuha kaedehara x reader #kazuha x reader #genshin headcanons

[vainvenus]

hey freaky ppl. my request is really simple bc i need to recover from this angst fic i read of sejanus LMAO

so i was thinking of peacekeeper sej and covey reader, but the way they meet is completely different. he would catch the reader sneaking off over the fence with a bag of supplies.

i’m thinking that someone at the covey had gotten ill and the reader was met with the task of gathering herbs needed outside of the fence.

i feel like sej would first be what any other peacekeeper would be and follow and be like “wtf are u doin” but then like he’d understand and let her keep running off into the woods and meadow. IDK I THINK THIS IS CUTE

⌲;꒰ Fence girl. ꒱

Pairing :: Peacekeepers!Sejanus x Fem!Reader

Synopsis - Sejanus catches someone sneaking over the fence and tries to do his job ( he doesn't).

Includings :: Covey member!reader, sejanus hating his job AND being bad at his job, he has a soft spot for (everything) reader, horrible first impressions, mostly fluff, this is kinda short

An :: Sorry this took so long...jumping from fandom to fandom is NOT for the weak

Sejanus never truly wanted to be a peacekeeper, yes he wanted to help people but obviously not in this kind of way.

Peacekeepers were often cruel and stern, they stood their ground for what they stood for and their morals were aligned in a way that didn't quite align with Sejanus's.

But it was far too late to turn back, he already was at twelve and already buzzed his curls so he was stuck here with a job he hated. Not much could be done.

And Sejanus did try to do his job, he tried to be like his friend Coriolanus who was stern and took the job very seriously but of course, there were times where he struggled.

Like right now, he was frozen with confusion as he watched a girl with [h/c] hair scaling one of the fences. She had a dark brown bag around her shoulder. His brows furrowed even more as he wondered what was she doing.

But then he had to remember his job and how what the girl was doing was very much something he had to report.

No one was allowed beyond the fences because one, it was seen as dangerous because they were made to keep wild animals.

And two, it was seen as rebellious since at some point if anyone was able to get far enough they could leave the district and start their own life far far away from all of this mess.

Sejanus looked around, slight panic wavering in his eyes as he realized he was the only one who had noticed the girl climbing up and over the wall. She was almost out of his sight, her dark green skirt blending in with the scenery.

He cursed under his breath as he started to climb up the fence, hopping over it and looking in the direction of the girl. She seemed to be in a rush as she looked around the field.

"Excuse me! You know you're not allowed to be here, right?"

His voice seemed to have startled her as she jumped a bit, she looked him up and down quickly. She clenched the brown bag as he eyes glanced to the gun he was holding and he saw how she tensed up, her eyes growing wide.

She looked scared– no, terrified. Like a rabbit behind hunted by a fox.

That was another thing Sejanus hated about being a peacekeeper, no matter what he was always going to be feared because of that stupid uniform and the firearms they had to wield while on patrol.

It didn't matter how gentle he was as long as he was in uniform.

"Please...don't hurt me."

"Hurt you? I..I wasn't gonna- look, you're not allowed to be past that fence. I won't report you or anything, I swear. But you could get hurt or lost-"

"I know where I'm going." She had cut his worried rambling short, grip tightening on her bag.

His brows furrowed in slight curiosity. "And just where is that?"

"There's a few herbs down from here near a river." She replied. "I need to get them for a friend of mine...she's sick and we can't exactly afford medicine at the moment." She murmured the last bit but loud enough for Sejanus to frown.

He knew he shouldn't. He knew he should have done his job and escorted her back over the fence.

But of course Sejanus's heart always won over his brain so before he could even stop himself he had said;

"Alright. You can go."

A warm smile had spread onto the features of the girl in front of him, her eyes glistening with hope as she uttered; "Really?"

Sejanus nodded, looking over his shoulder just to be safe. "Yes, really. But, I have to walk with you and you need to make it as quick as possible."

"Deal! I'll be quicker than two shakes of a lamb's tail." She giggled and Sejanus couldn't help but smile as he followed beside her.

As they walked, Sejanus took small glanced over at her. Her sense of style didn't seem to fit twelve, everybody remotely dressed the same with mostly dull colors or neutral tones but she had a much more lively pallette with splashes of red, orange and yellow.

"Starings rude, you know."

He quickly looked away, pressing his lips together in a thin line as she had cracked another smile before laughing and playfully hitting his arm.

"I'm just playing around! Jeez, for a peacekeeper you sure are sheepish." She hummed as she looked up at him and he glanced back over at her.

"Yeah, I'm horrible at my job I know."

"I'm not complaining, just glad I got one of the good ones." She smiled before she realized they were near the river and she crouched down near one of the nearby trees.

Sejanus watched as she pulled out a small jar and began picking dark purple berries, careful placing them into the jar. He tilted his head a bit while he watched her like a curious child.

"Elderberries." She spoke and his brows knitted together before she continued to explain. "Help with the immune system. We crush em' and brew em' into a real sweet tea."

Sejanus nodded as he knelt down. "Can I help?"

"You really are different, hm?" She tilted your head up at him, giving a teasing smile. "Kind, thoughtful and helpful? Are you sure you picked the right job?" She asked as she handed him one of the small jars and he shook his head.

"I wanted to be a medic." He said as he carefully picked the berries, putting them into the jar and the girl beside him hummed in amusement.

"That's surprising. What made you change your mind?"

"A friend. I'm only here because of him, oh and a little bit of rule breaking back home.." He sheepishly admitted and she giggled, standing up.

"Well you are just full of surprises, huh?"

Sejanus shrugged with a smile as he placed the jar carefully into her bag. "Guess I am."

As the two had walked back to the fence, Sejanus had picked a perfect spot where there was no one on patrol at the moment. It was like she had never even went over the wall.

He helped her over it, giving her a small boost up before climbing over it himself and he dusted off his uniform as he placed her bag back in her hands and she hummed a 'thank you' as she put it back over her shoulder.

"Y'know, I hope we meet again. Under better circumstances, of course."

"Me too- wait, I never caught your name."

She giggled, turning on her heel. "I never threw it!"

|★|

It had been a couple of weeks since his run-in with that [h/c] haired girl. Weeks since and he hadn't seen her again, he hoped that meant that her friend had gotten well enough that she didn't have to sneak over the fence again.

He was still thinking about her as he sat with Coriolanus, sitting at one of the tables as he was watching Lucy Gray perform. He was never as wowed, mainly because unlike those in the capitol he grew to already appreciate music.

"Whoops! Coming through, Blondie!" A familiar voice giggled as a girl with [h/c] haired brushed past the two to set some drinks off at the table next to them and Sejanus's eyes widened.

The fence girl.

He immediately stood up and walked over to her and as soon as she had turned to face him her face broke into a smile which he copied.

"You again!"

"Me again."

She gave him a skeptical gaze yet there was a playful smile on his face. "Are you stalking me?"

"Yeah. And it was just so hard because you never tossed me your name." He sighed like a damsel in distress, shaking his head.

She had giggled, holding out her hand. "[Y/n]."

He shook it, keeping a gentle yet firm grasp on it. He thought that maybe being a peacekeeper wasn't all too bad now.

"Sejanus."

#the ballad of songbirds and snakes #tbosas #tbosas x reader #tbosas x you #sejanus plinth #sejanus plinth x reader #sejanus plinth x you #sejanus x reader

[safety-pin-punk]

Principles of Sick Punk

I want to start this by saying that I am not the coiner of the term Sick Punk. I'm just a huge supporter of it, and seem to be the one developing the concept (at least on my little corner of the internet that I've seen). I've gotten a few asks along the lines of "Do I qualify for Sick Punk?", so I wanted to put together a guideline/principles post similar to what cpunk has. Because again, we are communities that should work together, not tear each other down. What is Sick Punk?

Sick Punk is about solidarity and is open to all sick, diseased, or chronically ill who do not fall under the cpunk label and resonate with the Sick Punk label.

Sick Punk is not dependent on how unwell you are, if you need aids, or your "functioning level" so long as some aspect of your life is effected by whatever ails you.

Sick Punk exists to provide a space and community for those who face challenges due to their 'sickness' to discuss their struggles and support each other.

Respect those who do not have a formal diagnoses. The healthcare field is a nightmare. Some people lack access to healthcare, others are not taken seriously by their doctors. Remember, we all know how our bodies feel better than anyone else.

Sick Punk recognizes that there is no universal sick, diseased, or chronically ill experience

Whether or not you use the Sick Punk label is up to YOU and you alone. But its open to those who would like to.

#If there are any amendments people would like to discuss please send an ask or dm #I recognize that I am not the only sick punk person out here and that this is a community #so Im definitely willing to have conversations about this stuff #and also if you are sick punk please come say hi PLEASE #sick punk

[nxathyx]

Hi, could I request dazai with a reader (fem or gn if u can) who has schyzotipal personally disorder.ive been struggling a lot recently and I'd rlly like some comfort. Sorry and have a nice day/night!!

Hi hello, thank you very much i had a lovely day as of right now (bsd Wednesdays) also I really like your profile picture. It's so pretty <333

So before I start I'd like to inform that I'm terribly sorry if I depict this personality disorder in the wrong way. But I hope you can still find some joy in this. Take care

Tws: its all fluff I think, cursing (like always), my terrible sense of humour in one part (slight manga spoilers)

° personally I think that Dazai would be interested in your mannerisms that may seem odd to most

° like he'll just have a field day analysing your reactions, the way you speak, react, your hand movements, ect.

° okay if anyone says anything even remotely deregatory towards you their getting punched (or almost drowning like Fedya and Chuuya)

° if he thinks you're confused by something someone said, he'll take his time to explain it to you

° definetly enjoys hugging you from behind just to see your reactions

° mf once picked you up and you just kind of looked at him like °-° and he legit found it adorable

° I feel like if you ever just look at him blankly he'd think your as brain dead as a goldfish (literally everyone no matter gender, race, personality disorder, doesn't matter)

° I feel like he'd give you one quick and short kiss and then just look at your face for a solid bit before leaving feather like Angel kisses all over your pretty face

° this fucker cups your cheeks and makes you look at him as if he's about to say something really important but then he doesn't say anything and just admires the way you react

° if you flinch more easily at first he'd be extremely concerned and would be way more careful around you (once Chuuya yelled like he always does and Dazai ended up punching him before carefully explaining to be more careful around you)

° very interested to hear about your past

° like he just finds it intriguing, do you act like this because of the post-trauma event or what

°expect to get pushed out of your comfort zone

° at home he gives you all the space you need

° I feel like he'd see his younger self in you often

° tries to be a bit less energetic around you to not startle you or something

° he can definitely read your emotion really well although you just have a stoic expression and seem almost emotionless (Google described it like that however I feel like that's a bit dehumanising so I apologise)

Alright so, I'm incredibly sorry if this post is insulting or if I described this mental illness in the completely different light as that wasn't my intention, I will delete this post if it makes anybody feel bad/insulted/judged/uncomfortable about their mental health

#bsd x reader #x reader #bsd dazai #dazai osamu #bungou stray dogs dazai #dazai x reader #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #dazai x y/n #dazai x you

[socialcarcrash]

I completely agree with you about Sweets! His death was such a shame. How do you think he would have changed the dynamics in seasons 10 through 12 if he was still alive with the plots and characters (like Aubrey and Karen)?

AUBREY: im an aubrey-sweets friendship truther at heart, so first thing to acknowledge is the thing with aubreys dad.

We all know sweets has a slight obsession/ interest (depending on the perspective) with his friends childhoods, and that’s understandable. I can see him really helping him out at that time, and providing a perspective that would hopefully relieve the guilt he experiences after turning his dad in. also really random idea that popped into my brain!! aubrey is the most adhd coded guy ive ever seen, so i can see sweets waltzing past his desk and dropping off snacks and drinks to help him focus :)

i just think those two could have got super close. Aubrey clearly felt out of place when he first joined, a feeling that sweets shared and grew from so maybe he would have just provided that extra support for him!

KAREN: i havent got so much on this, cause i dont know her as well as i should, however; i know those ‘is psychology a real science’ debates would have got way more heated!!! its now 2v2, b&b and sweets and karen, i can see them sitting in the diner having the most heated debate ever seen and the rest of the diner is just sat silently like ‘what the fuck 0-0’.

I also think at first, sweets struggled having someone who pushed him and knew a lot about ‘his’ field, which comes with lots of special interests. (i get quite stressed if i meet a person who is into the same fields of physics that i am, especially if i am the person who is known for liking it amongst my group, and i think sweets probably has the same think). But he learns to talk with her and infodump about their theories and cases together! a form of healthy competition forms i think, one that eventually encourages them to work harder.

ZACK: i felt like it was important to mention him,even though i mentioned him in the last one, so ill just expand on this one a bit.

I just want to know what the team would have thought about sweets knowing all along that zack was innocent. What would they have felt? betrayed? understanding? sad? Maybe sweets would never have told them during this time, maybe he kept it a secret until he testified on the stand.

Sometimes i think the death of sweets is what prompted Zack to admit to never having killed anyone, so maybe if he was still alive Zack would still be there and no-one would ever know. That could give way for another new plot line where sweets lets it slip that zack was innocent, but maybe not. who knows :)

(now an extra cause i wanted to do him hes the loml)

HODGINS: this is a big one, cause the poor guy really goes through it (*cough* the doom in the boom *cough*). I love this arc, it gets way to much hate. disabled hodgins for the win!!

I think sweets totally understands his anger, and allows him to feel it (as he should!). But i think he would have put a stop to him taking it out on angela, cause it’s counterproductive to build barriers between those you love when you’re struggling. I can see hodgins (after the usual pestering from sweets for a while) just rocking up at his office looking ready to murder someone (so real) and sweets just lets him talk, and shout and probably cry a bit too.

I just think the adjustment wouldn’t have been easier, but he would have had a way to handle it better and that would mean so much!!!

okay cool im done (for now- i might revisit this idea later with a few other characters) :)

#jack hodgins #bones #adhd #autistic #bones tv #lance sweets #seeley booth #temperence brennan #james aubrey #karen delfs #sweets is the loml #so is hodgins #zack addy #lgbt #angela montenegro

[bfpnola]

hello! I have mental illness myself, and have recently begun diving into your resources. I agree that your mental condition does not determine who you are, but growing up, I had a parent with NPD who was extremely abusive. I know it's not meant in a way to pretend abuse isn't real, but when I see things like "narcissistic abuse isn't real", it makes me really uncomfortable- because I have suffered it myself. I still am learning about things, so I may be misinformed, but doesn't NPD mean your personality- who you are- is supremely arrogant and self-centered, with no regard for others? The only explanation I have come up with is that creating personality disorders to label bad people is what's wrong, but I really would appreciate your response.

hey! thank you so much for sending in a question. and thank you to the 5 folks who helped out by adding their input during the making of this post. let’s break this down together!

when someone says "narcissistic abuse isn't real," it's the part in reference to NPD that matters. when we rush to automatically equate a diagnosis with abusive behavior, in many ways, we are leaning into sanism and eugenics, often the very same biologically-dependent attitudes that criminalize people of color. the abuse you faced was real and i don't think anyone should be allowed to erase those experiences for you! continuing, personality can and does influence behavior. all of these things can be true while also accepting that having NPD does not automatically make someone abusive or somehow more prone to abusive behaviors, even if that was only implied.

why though? for one, because saying the opposite absolve us of our power as well! as humans, we are all capable of harm, of hurting people, even in egregious ways. this was something i personally struggled with literally up until a couple months ago when i hurt someone i really loved. i wanted to be a good person so badly, and those around me knew how much good i was capable of spreading, so certain actions continued to slide. the reality is that i'm not just good or just bad, but human! i'm capable of hurting other people, and that's so scary to me, but it's the truth. and that's the same for everyone else. as some of our friends in BFP even said just now (not sharing their names for privacy purposes), no one (i hope) walks around saying "depressive abuse" or "PTSD abuse" even though people with these disorders are equally capable of perpetuating harm, like anyone else. cluster B disorders are constantly demonized when in reality, you and i could have both been abused by a "regular" person just the same. erasing our capability to harm not only makes it harder to hold one another accountable in the future (why should i get help or change my behavior when it's due to my disorder?), but equally pushes forth a narrative that the DSM (the book used to diagnose people) is law. what do i mean by that though?

in mad studies, we acknowledge that the DSM, rather than having distinct diagnoses with quantifiable, empirical symptoms like literally any other field of science, groups together pre-existing symptoms that tend to appear together and labels them. the diagnoses we receive are better to be thought as shorthand for clusters of commonly comorbid behaviors. and what of these symptoms? who gets to decide what irregular behavior looks like? who are we comparing Mad individuals to? who represents the norm, the "regular" i mentioned earlier? psychiatry and psychology are extremely biased, my favorite examples of which are drapetomania (a "mental illness" meant to explain why enslaved Africans kept running away from plantations), The Protest Psychosis: How Schizophrenia Became a Black Disease by Jonathan Metzl, hysteria, and prolonged grief disorder. none of this is to say that diagnoses can't be helpful or that your experiences aren't real, but to be wary of the subjectivity, biases, hierarchies, and abuse intrinsic to the field.

because of everything i just said, i feel uncomfortable setting clear delineations for what NPD is and isn't, so i'll leave that part up to a volunteer of ours actually with this diagnosis:

firstly, at our cores we are very insecure about ourselves. we put on a façade of grandiosity to feel better about ourselves and to avoid showing people our insecurities. most of us were hurt by people close to us when we were children, most commonly caretakers, and we do our best to avoid showing this insecurity and hurt. secondly, our self esteem tends to be reliant on the opinions of others. we depend on approval from other people to feel good about ourselves, because we're so insecure. NPD is also characterized by delusions of grandiosity, which is the most stereotypical feature of the disorder. but there's more than just grandiosity. we also experience what's called a "narc crash" (or just a "crash"), which typically happens after a grandiose high. these crashes involve feelings of intense shame, self hatred, etc. the other thing i would include in a definition of NPD is the fantasies, because we hate ourselves so much we are often preoccupied with fantasies of power, success, and fame to help us feel better about ourselves. in short, NPD is defined by extreme insecurity masked by delusions of grandeur, which are followed by crashes. it is also defined by dependence on others for validation since we cannot validate ourselves. a lot of people assume that we just have inflated egos and love ourselves so much, but it's all a façade to hide our extreme insecurity and lack of self worth.

TLDR: 1) the phrase "narcissistic abuse isn’t real" does not erase any abuse you faced by someone who may have had NPD but rather recognizes that the implication of all people with NPD or Cluster B disorders being abusive is not only harmful to everyone but bleeds into eugenics. 2) it's important to be wary of how we deify the DSM and the diagnoses it provides, as it perpetuates the active dehumanization of people who don't meet a certain standard. a standard set by whom? 3) NPD is characterized by extreme insecurity and dependence on others for validation, followed by crashes due to delusions of grandeur clashing with reality.

if you have any more questions, please keep sending them in to @bfpnola! for more on mad studies, here’s our study guide for beginners.

-- reaux (she/they)

#reaux answers #npd #mad liberation #Narcissistic personality disorder #narcissistic abuse #tw abuse mention #bipoc

[astralarias]

please talk about your characters! i don't mind who i just wanna hear you ramble about your toons <3

Aaa thank you!! 🥺

Since I just posted a gifset of her, I'll talk a little about Aikarico, my beloved warcat, and her backstory <3

She came remarkably close to having a completely different life! Her parents were critical of the Legions as a whole and had plans to leave after the birth of their cub, as fleeing & traveling would be too strenuous on Electra (Aika's mother) during her pregnancy. Their goal was to reach Lion's Arch and settle down as a family.

However, mere weeks before Aikarico was born, her father, Theo, was killed on patrol by a Flame Legion ambush. Electra was heartbroken, and after Aikarico was born she didn't have the strength to flee the Legions alone - only to give Aikarico as much love as she could in the time they had. Being an only child, Aikarico was incredibly clingy and a very shy, sweet cub who rarely left her mother's side.

When it came time for her to join the Fahrah, she didn't cope well. Ripped from her mother's warm embrace into a world of survival of the fittest, she struggled - bullied endlessly by her peers for her softness. Until she wasn't. Until she forced herself to get tough, against her every instinct. She fought back with fang and claw, so no-one would ever hurt her again.

Her mother had promised she'd visit. She never did. Aikarico grew up believing she had been abandoned without reason by the only person who had loved her for her, not knowing the truth - Electra had died shortly after Aikarico left her side, falling ill and not having the strength to recover.

By the time she reached adulthood, Aikarico had become an arrogant, defiant problem for her warband and superiors, and had no intention of changing. It was a mask, but one she could no longer tell where it ended and she began any more. She had stopped trying to take it off long ago.

However, her higher-ups weren't about to let such subordination slide for much longer, especially after her stunts to prove herself as bigger, better, stronger, resulted in casualties in the field more than once. She always knew better, and nothing was ever her fault. It couldn't be - she was flawless, because if she wasn't, she was nothing.

After a string of complaints from her warbandmates, Aikarico was made a gladium. As the verdict was dealt, though, she stood tall and announced she was leaving, anyway, so there - you can't fire me, I quit! Denounced as a traitor and disappointment, she fled the Legions - just as her parents had meant to do all those years ago, albeit with a twist.

From there, she wandered Tyria, taking up jobs for bandits and thieves - anyone who would pay, at first - but eventually building up a reputation as a skilled assassin. She hung around human lands for a while - the least charr place she could think of, although she still held herself as charr in far-too-high regard. Among certain shady circles, she gained notoriety. If you wanted someone dead, she was the cat for the job. She was never happy, but she was feared and respected, and that was enough for a time.

Eventually she grew bored and set on the road again, winding up in the Desolation after a few years. Here, she worked with the Order of Shadows alongside her regular assassination jobs - she never became an official member, but she was known throughout the ranks as "that arrogant charr who thinks too much of herself".

During the events of Path of Fire, she was given a mark that would change her life once again; the Commander. She never did find out who put her on the job - it was all very secretive - but it payed well, and she knew to kill him would bolster her legend beyond all belief and hope. She took it without a second thought.

She followed Atlaki for days. Watched his every move, as he stopped amid the carnage to...help people? Didn't he have a god to catch? Why would he stop and show such...weakness?

She was horribly intrigued. And besides, maybe she was a little bored of the desert too, now. The Desolation was all moody skies and sulfur. Even killing here was getting dull.

So, finally, she engaged her target. But instead of shooting him from some perch, she appeared to his face and demanded he fight her. She was somewhat hurt when he appeared more tired than anything, but he agreed - and promptly kicked her ass. Okay, now she was impressed...although, of course, her losing was totally all part of her plan.

She introduced herself, told him she was meant to kill him but kind of didn't want to do that anymore, and she'd be helping him out from now on. A paw was offered to shake, and Atlaki - deciding this odd charr wasn't the worst or strangest thing to fall from the sky in recent times - took it.

Thus began Aikarico's looong, winding path to becoming a better, and certainly more tolerable person - someone her parents would be beyond proud to see flourish, with Atlaki's influence. She remains proud, arrogant, even but it's genuine now and not so much of a mask. She's charismatic, brash, and herself. She has the family she always needed, in Atlaki, and Cassien, and Aurene.

#sorry for the NOVEL but I love my girl so dearly #aikarico #oc talk tag #thank you again anon!!

[zephiraz]

Okay so in my head there lives Magus and an alternate timeline Janus. They say they don't like or trust each other, but they get along better than anyone.

(This got a lot longer than I thought it would whoops.)

There once was a king of Zeal, surely. Janus and Schala didn't just come out of nowhere. And the queen wasn't always...like that. No one really likes to talk about how the king died, though. Illness, the seneschal said, though he was newly appointed and had not the full details himself. Illness, the queen cried, deep in mourning, as she tore down the king's portraits and replaced his aides and servants and research partners. Only the Gurus remained, too vaunted to truly be touchable. It was such a sudden thing, the sickness that took him. None who had seen him believed him ill or frail, and he'd been in such fine spirits just the day before, though any murmurs of such are quickly silenced lest the queen dowager hears. You don't wish to upset the lady in mourning, do you? You don't want to disappear.

But the king had been in perfectly fine health, in fact. The only thing that wore on him was his wife's insistence on pursuing a field of research that he viewed as dangerous. The couple had argued about it, the queen proclaiming this new energy source she'd discovered would propel Zeal to ever greater heights, and the king decrying it as madness. He forbade her research entirely after one day walking into her lab to see her research assistant—one Norstein Bekkler—shatter before his very eyes, Bekkler's essence drawn into a black hole in space, ripped from his body with such force that only pulped meat remained.

For weeks the queen pleaded for another chance, defending her research and describing all the different safety measures she could—would—implement, if only she were given the chance. She was so close to a breakthrough! Eventually, the king relented. He did love his wife, and he wanted to believe in her, after all. He allowed her one more chance, on the grounds that he supervise her next experiment. Should at any moment it appear too dangerous to continue, it was to be shut down immediately.

Little Janus with his brand-new kitten in tow saw his parents wandering the halls together, oblivious to his presence underfoot. He followed them, only noticed when he tripped on robes too big for him. His father turned, a face lined with stress and worry brightening like the sun emerging from behind storm clouds at the sight of his son. The king scooped Janus up in a big hug, then set him back down on his foot and urged him away to find his sister. Mother and father have important research to do; it is not safe for little kittens!

Janus watched heavy marble doors shut behind his parents. He never saw his father again. None would ever find out what happened behind those doors.

...But time is as fickle as a kitten struggling in a young boy's arms, spurred by the tantalizing mystery of a slowly closing door. Alfador leaped from Janus's grasp and bolted after the king, the young prince hot on his heels.

Thousands of years later, a motley group of time travelers wanders Guardia's forests at the behest of the Guru of Time. From his perch at the end of all things, Gaspar had seen a disturbance in the vast darkness of time. A loose thread, forgotten in the ebb and flow, causing the weft of reality to fray. It was with great trepidation that Crono led his friends through the dense wood. A bright flash of blue light had signaled the opening of a gate, but finding the thing was proving tricky. Voices echoed amidst the trees, jeering laughter and barely-audible murmuring interspersed with the crack of magic and infrequent shouts of pain.

After long minutes of searching the party found the source of all this noise; Dalton, half obscured by hanging branches, cackling as he channeled magic, draining energy from a groaning man just out of view. It was Magus who acted first. He leaped from the forest's grasp and bolted straight for Dalton, slicing the man's head clean off with a flourish of his scythe. ...And Dalton, a different Dalton, fled into a hastily-summoned black gate with a second prisoner in tow just before the rest of the party could bring their weapons to bear.

With little else to go on but a headless, lifeless body, Crono turned to help up the Daltons' victim, but was startled to find him a spitting image of Magus. With the party too shocked to act, the man stood shakily on his own and dusted his fine robes off. He thanked the party for their timely intervention, and introduced himself as King Zeal.

Magus refuses to believe it, at first. This can't be the king of Zeal. He'd died years ago! The stranger's jaw sets at that, fists clenching at his sides. He states again that he is the king of Zeal; Janus, son of Alfard, who he watched perish before his very eyes.

Janus had pushed the door ajar just in time to see his father disappear into a black hole in space, his mother's face twisted in vicious triumph. Janus ran crying for guards, for Schala, for anyone. The queen in her panic chased him through the halls, hoping to silence the prince. She was captured, raving mad, and sentenced for the murder of the king and attempted murder of her own son. Her lab was shut down, her research burned. It fell to Schala then to lead Zeal under the guidance of the Gurus, who she later joined in scholarship when Janus was old and learned enough to take the burden of the throne from her. There he ruled with fairness in relative peace for several years, until he was recently approached by a man claiming to be a prophet. This prophet spoke of a people divided, of those without magic cast to the frozen earth to toil away building technological marvels they would never benefit from, of a ruined Zeal. Janus ushered the prophet behind closed doors so as not to alarm his subjects. He believed the prophet a madman, of course, but it was his duty as king to thoroughly investigate any potential threat to his people. It was only when the heavy marble doors fell shut behind him that he realized he'd walked into his mother's old lab, and only then that he recognized the prophet as a sycophant who used to aid her in her research. And there beside a yawning black gate stood a man identical save for the ragged patch covering one eye. The false prophet pushed Janus into the gate, and his world went dark. It felt like eternity in a single moment, terror tearing through his mind as suddenly he was a child again watching his father succumb to this same fate, and then he was himself, sprawled upon an unfamiliar forest floor. And then he was nothing, his whole being suffused with blinding pain as the two Daltons drained him of his magic. He was lucky these kind strangers intervened when they did, lest he be drained entirely.

Magus mulls this over, staring at the blood-soaked ground beneath him. Still he struggles to find this true, but... His eyes alight on Dalton's head, face-down at his feet. He gently kicks it over. Two glassy eyes stare up at him.

With no sign of the gate that brought him here remaining, the party takes King Janus with them. He is shocked to hear their tale, appropriately dismayed and awed at each turn of fate, but it is hearing what very nearly was his own fate that shocks him into silence. At length, the king resolves to accompany the party in their quest. He might not be much of a warrior, but he is the King of Magic; a peerless enchanter, his wards and barriers know no equal, and the party could surely benefit from a highly learned support mage. He takes the name Magil, after an old tutor of his. He knows that this is not his own timeline, and he defers the name to the self who truly belongs here. Magus, for his part, is hesitant to take the name himself. He is only just starting to get used to hearing it again, after all. Regardless, they both still answer to Janus, and they both share the same goal, unspoken yet firmly understood between the two of them. If one King Zeal found his way here through a black gate, then what of the first? Could their father yet live?

(This was originally a put-me-to-sleep story in my head that I revisited like five times over a few months so the details got muddled between iterations, and some got left out. In one iteration the Other Zeal timeline was literally falling apart as time unraveled from Primary Dalton fucking stuff up in pursuit of power. Also Schala was there. Anyway I just think Magus and Other Janus would hate each other and then be friends. Magus would be so so so jealous of Other Janus getting to grow up in Zeal without a lot of the bullshit. Not much for Other Janus to be jealous of except in the first iteration of this plot it was a love triangle turned half-merged consciousnesses due to time fuckery to we're sharing him now between Crono and the Januses, but that plot is All For Me. Okay goodnight)

#Chrono Trigger #Chrono Trigger Magus

[sir-klauz]

I'm seeing a lot of people posting about how they're glad Genshin has Finally made a 5 star disabled character and are finally representing the disabled community, and whilst yes, they have made another disabled character, it's not the first one, nor the first 5 star! But Baizhu has been long awaited for by many players, including myself!

Huge Reminder that Collei is disabled with chronic illness, and I'm pretty sure Layla has been discussed to have Narcolepsy. Also, many people totally forget Xiao is a disabled 5 star character with chronic pain inflicted by his karmic debt and mental health struggles partly relating to that, and rarely anyone talks about it! I know we are all excited, but, this is another problem.

Less "obvious" (even though if you have got chronic pain, it's the most obvious thing in your life) disabilities get forgotten about, in real life too, hence the ongoing promotion of invisible disabilities or less obvious but just as difficult to deal with ones, needing to be acknowledged.

He is NOT the first 5 star which was made playable!

Xiao was, but for Baizhu, they're more obvious about his health and his power ups that he is in the medical field and has disabilities, also woth the presence of glasses too which is another visible disability

As health a big part of his job and powers too, it's easier to notice, but that's another part of how the people within the community with less obvious physical disabilities get forgotten or missed.

Xiao was the first released disabled character that was 5 stars! A favourite of mine to play since he dropped as he resonates with me gender wise, and with that, I too have serious chronic pain! He has chronic pain induced by his karmic debt, and barely anyone talks about that because it's not been focused on as a part of his character as much as people have with Baizhu.

But yeah, with the drop of Collei as well who also has a chronic illness, and Layla suspected to potentially have narcolepsy and some NPCs in Sumeru having stories being told about their conditions has been great especially as games rarely make main characters that are disabled and as someone who is disabled with mobility aids and chronic pain, it is exciting as this has been my favourite game for 2 years plus now.

So far Xiao has been a saviour for me as well as Genshin as I've played it most days i cannot do absolutely anything and remain bed ridden from my disability and I've wanted Baizhu dropped since he was introduced as well and I'm glad they're making multiple characters with disabilities as it's very real truth MANY gamers have disabilities, and we deserve rep.

#baizhu #genshin impact #baizhu genshin impact #baizhu gi #xiao genshin impact #xiao gi #layla genshin impact #collei gi #collei genshin #genshin disabled character #disabled character #disability representation #disabled characters #disability #disabled gamer #chronic pain is a disability #chronic pain #gaming #genshin

[lilweaselhub]

Okay so no one asked---but time for me to randomly be feral about Spinel. I don't plan on making this SUPER coherent or anything mostly because I've been running on fumes for a MINUTE now.

But recently, I was asked what I think the difference is between good spinel content and bad spinel content and well thats a loaded question.

Before I say ANYTHING about anything for anyone who reads this, I would like to preface;

These are my personal opinions on her character and I really don't care too much if you agree or disagree. Whatever makes you happy is fine with me. You can disagree and be entitled to that opinion.

That being said; I'm just going to come right out and cut to the chase before we even get started.

I don't like how the Steven Universe movie ended. I don't think Spinel going with the Diamonds was a good idea && Spinel in SU future was a major let down for me.

There. if you don't like ^^^^ that statement right there && if you don't think you can handle someone disagreeing with how she was handled I'd stop right here.

For anyone else; Allow me to explain.

When Spinel is introduced in the movie, it is immedietly clear that she is no typical adversary of the crystal gems. Shes incredibly cunning, and actually acknowledges steven as his own person. -&& seeks vengence anyway.

Despite KNOWING steven is a stranger.

Something we don't see in any other gem that the crystal gems go up against from homeworld. I'd argue this makes Spinel one of the SMARTEST gems we see.

The other thing thats immedietly apparent is just how VIOLENT and ANGRY she is. Her entire song 'other friends' gives the audience immediate insight that she knew pink diamond and knew pink PERSONALLY. She has a very personal vendetta, and is lashing out.

now im not going to analyse every single scene in this movie. I'm far too tired for that. Besides, we know it by heart by now. Everyones done it. But all of this to SAY-; what many people have pointed out is that Pink was akin to Spinels favored person, something a lot of people who struggle with mental illness have.

ESPEICALLY those with BPD, something that has been near universally agreed on with her.

During the first half of the movie, leading up to the garden flashback. We get to see Spinel as she was made--; before she was traumatized. How she was initially. Happy, bubbly, fun loving, and sweet. In my mind, this always was reminiscent of an allegory for childhood innocence.

A type of innocence one has before the real world hits them before they experience heartbreak, trauma, or real raw grief. Spinel in her beginning was NAIVE, and had no idea that Pink Diamond did not have the same undying loyalty and love that Spinel herself was programmed with.

Spinels feelings were not mutual, but she was too innocent at the time to really SEE This. She was too naïve and optimistic. During this time she was very much mentally like a young child.

Time passing && the garden itself dying could even be an allegory for the death of ones childhood innocence and wonder.

What being abandoned by pink can really be alikened to with Spinel is the experience of TRAUMA. Something that udoubtedly TRANSFORMS a person---; Much like in the movie. (That whole anime girl transformation as out of left field as it is, kind of makes a lot of sense to be emphasized. Its getting a point across.)

Trauma PERMENANTLY changes a person. For better or worse.

In spinels case--; it could be seen as a metaphor for trauma, and the effect it has on someones mental health. The Childhood innocence dying and growing up after experience significant trauma.

Spinel post transformation && in the very beginning / climax of the movie is much less naive. Much more cunning, and carries herself much older than when she was first created. While Spinel in the beginning was reminiscent of a young 8-10 year old child, spinel now reads more as a rebellious older teen to young adult. She does not have that mentality of a child anymore. She's impulisve, shes cunning, shes sarcastic and shes mad as hell.

Spinels trauma not only mentally changed who she was as a person--it PHYSICALLY altered her. It changed her entire person. This is what trauma DOES. this is what experiencing all the grief and negative experiences of growing up DOES to you.

Abandoned, forgotten and spiteful, Spinel sets her sights on steven && co in a last ditch effort to get her version of closure---revenge on those that wronged her and threw her away like garbage.

I would easily argue that the climax of this movie is were Spinel's character SHINES the most. This in my opinion, is one place where the movie SUCCEEDS where Future FAILS.

In the climax of the movie, we really see the moments that clinch that BPD allegory. The Back and Forth between her emotional impulse to spiral and lash out, and the desire to be better. It doesn't shy away from showing the UGLY and sometimes AGGRESSIVE symptoms of mental illness. But it doesn't necessarily villainize her.

Steven himself realizes that Spinel is not thinking logically, she's lashing out and letting emotions DRIVE her impulses.

It shows her as she is now, flawed, impulsive, and hurting.

" Why? Why do I wanna hurt you SO badly??"

" When you change, you change for the better---when I change I change for the WORSE."

" At least you liked the old me--"

Spinel herself acknowledges that she's changed. That experience has Permanently changed who she is, the person she once was is gone. She is mourning not only the relationship she had but the person she once WAS.

Now;------After this point in the movie is where I start having gripes. As spinel is shown through most of the movie as such a dynamic, interesting character and actual RAW representation for people who STRUGGLE to be a good person after what they went through. Individuals with UGLY symptoms and sometimes SCARY symptoms of mental illness.

Things that are strongly stigmatized in this society we live in. It was refreshing to have a character SHOW this side of mental illness and still be treated like a person, and not a MONSTER.

&& Before I start this next section, let me preface by saying i am ALL about healing journeys. 100%. I would love for Spinel to be happy, I want her to find a place to find her own and feel safe.

That being said, I want healing journeys for a character to be realisitc. I don't want a FIXED character, I want a REAL character. A character that feels like a person. A real one. Not sunshine and rainbows and a "love fixes me" type. (Ty @veroxins for verbalizing what i never quite could with her arc.)

Unfortunately that is EXACTLY what ends up happening to Spinel though. Suddenly it feels as though they run out of an idea for how to continue her arc. && At the end of the movie they decide that the diamonds finding her amusing and bringing her back up to homeworld would be the best course of action.

&& I'd argue that at this point in the movie spinel's characterization already starts seeming odd / contradictory comparative to what we JUST saw. && this only continues with her appearance in future.

Suddenly Spinel is Happy, bubbly and kinda...naive again isn't she?

Spinel in future (and partially at the end of the movie) is kind of reverted back to her old persona. The diamonds 'love' fixes her.

" Steven: Wait a second, you used to have vengeful thoughts. Oh, yeah! But I don't get 'em anymore. Steven: How did you make them stop? I met a little someone named "Steven Universe"! And he told me ♫ IIIII- I CAN MAKE A CHANGE! ♫ "

Whats worse than that in my opinion, is that not only do they take this representation away---and make the case that love just 'fixes' a person and puts them back to how they were--but they make spinel a joke.

They didn't even have her take stevens on struggles seriously or have them relate to each other in any meaningful way.

I like many others, hated peridots treatment for this very reason.

Not to mention--- a very important point. After all this time emphasizing how absolutely UNHEALTHY and TOXIC the power dynamic was between Pink Diamond and Spinel. WHY on earth would putting her right back in that power dynamic (x3 mind you), be condusive to her healing? At all?

I'll tell you---it wouldn't be. She's put right back in the position of being ENTERTAINMENT, a TOY. && Not being even given the CHANCE to discover her own personality, who she is now, or hell--who she ever was outside of pink.

I noticed that a lot of peoples fixation and interest in spinel greatly reduced after the future airing and I really don't think thats a coincidence.

&& AGAIN i have to PREFACE. ;I want spinel to get better. I do.

I have no issues with that.

But trauma permenately changes someone. Thats just how it functions. Spinel is not going to just go back to how she was before her trauma. && I think it sends a more powerful message for her healing to have her find a place as she is now, and be loved for her flaws and all, while making a conscious effort to be better.

For it not to be just a quick fix, and shes back to how she was, but to have her come to terms with the new her, and find a way to reinvent herself, with her flaws and still be loved as she is. Even if she still slips up from time to time. Because mental illness is not a straight and narrow road. it has its ups, it has its downs. you get better, you relapse and then you pick up the pieces again and keep going.

Tdlr; All of that to say. Spinel is a character that was REALLY important to me, a character that showed ugly mental illness symptoms, and didn't glorify or villainize it. A character that wasn't nice or tied up in a bow, but deserved to be loved, and deserved to have the chance to be her own person.

Outside of the diamonds, outside of pink, outside of her TRAUMA. and she never got the chance. She deserved better.

Also---sassy, chaotic, morally grey spinel is just superior in general. She's the goat and i want her back. rn.

#ooc #me screaming about spinel #because you asked anon