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fotiathymos · 4 years

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yeah nah im expanding on it

Under a read more because it got long, of course it got long.

I mean the basic issue is that I’m calling it ‘impulse control’. It’s more shown as reflex thinking in the movie that kind of end up becoming called impulsive.

It’s common to say Galo lack’s impulse control and that he is very impulsive in his actions. But it isn’t really impulsive at all. People discredit Galo’s thought process just because it appears instantaneous. I feel like he’s considered more impulsive in how he’s just ‘loud and jumpy’.

He does think his actions through. The most obvious being when in Lio de Galo and fighting Kray and Galo doesn’t dodge the attack and just pushes right through it. He knows what he’s doing there. He has spur of the moment thoughts because that’s his job, he has to think on his toes to stay alive and keep others alive. In Galo-hen he had to think quick to save Thyma’s life, so throwing goo over himself is what worked.

And in turn that’s exactly the same with Lio. In order to survive he has to think on his toes and react in an instant. He does think through his actions but has to do it fast to ensure the lives of his people are safe. In Lio’s introduction scene we all know (at least after you’ve seen the movie) that he was trying to get caught and put into prison, but he didn’t have to show off.. that hard. Gueira and Meis get taken out real fast and they do put up a fight so it doesn’t seem faked (not that I think Freeze Force would care if they wanted to get arrested, they may have just ended up ‘processing’ them faster through their torture system if anything). But Lio really has fun with it. And plays off of Galo’s actions really well. This obviously showing how compatible they are but how alike they are in their well I guess impulses. Yes, they’re fighting so they both have to be on their toes but it was way different then Galo vs Guiera and Meis. G n M both tease Galo by circling around him but that’s as far as showing off or playing with Galo goes.

Lio teases the fight by beckoning Galo forward and ramming his bike into him but he didn’t have to go flying into other buildings, have fancy sword fights and etc. Meanwhile poor G n M were lying on the floor getting frostbite for the 20 minute fight. But maybe this is stating Lio to be more a ‘show off’ then impulsive. Hmm.

Galo in the start of the fight is told to ‘not do anything crazy’ but of course he has to fight and capture them. So his impulse was to fight them. Still pretty thought through, not sure what the plan would’ve been if Galo didn’t fight them. I guess protocol was to wait for Freeze Force. So I could say it wasn’t that impulsive of an action.

Lio’s shown a little impulsive in his snarky back talk about government officials. In prison hes once again thinking on his toes and running head first into cars and under them in order to save his people. In the cave scene he gets so upset with Galo’s remark of ‘I didnt know you Burnish even ate food?’ and almost burns Galo. I also believe in the scene where G n M sacrifice themselves for Lio’s sake, Lio was ready to just sacrifice himself for them instead. There is some impulsivity on all three of their parts there.

The volcano and dragon scene is touchy considering it was an impulse to just hunt Kray down and burn everything on his way to find him in a threat. Lio was under massive stress and anguish and it was a last resort impulse of not even saving himself but maybe possibly he could save the others. So it was in fact the most impulsive thing he’s shown doing but like... its understandable. That also ties in with him fighting Galo inside poor Aina’s helicopter. Lio’s just on his last thread and just wants Galo out of his way.

Honestly all these impulses are logical and thought out in a way for Lio but it is the same with Galo. I think it just comes down to how Lio is more soft spoken and serious and/or angry because he’s in a life threatening situation 24/7 and Galo is well, on his daily job and his coworkers can tease him about how reactionary he is. When serious stuff does go down (ex. talking to Aina at the lake, confronting Kray, calming down crying Lio) he does have a more serious tone that mimics Lio’s. Also just how... the entire movie is forcing the viewer to see Galo in a rather downplayed hero role of being poked fun at, having comedic scenes of his butt on fire and ‘oh how silly he is that he can’t fight with out his matoi’. And in contrast to that, the most Lio is poked fun at is by Vulcan beating and abusing him but its not made to show the viewer how silly Lio is but how horrible Vulcan is. Lio is more so put on a pedestal and you are clearly meant to sympathize with him.

This feels like side tracking but its sort of not. Galo and Lio are super similar and theyre shown in the movie to be different in obvious ways of contrasting color schemes, life situations, and well.. Being viewed as someone who is taken more seriously, Lio. And being the comedic hero of the story and taken less seriously, Galo. So when they both are doing impulsive things its under different lighting and effect and one is made to seem so silly and stupid and the other is more serious and sad. When they're both just trying to save lives!

And well, in the final mech fight scenes and the end of the film, Lio is leans into his impulsivity. This time both Galo and Lio are showing off fighting vs Kray. And Kray is so stressed out and annoyed by them both just playing with him. Galo and Lio are still very much thinking through their actions together and fighting for lives but now both of them are shown in a more lighter way of having fun with it. Lio encourages everything Galo gives him. Galo just asked for a better mech, Lio built and designed it. Same goes for the Matoi. Lio leans more into being impulsive and showing off with Galo because Galo’s there to have his back in this fight, Lio’s not alone and stressed out and falling apart at the seams fighting for his life in a prison or burning a city with his tears. (It could also be why he was a bit more showy in the beginning cause Lio’s back up was G n M there but it still a different situation of them trying to get caught and not needing to go overboard in teasing and fighting. And with Galo they're teasing and fighting too but they're there to win.)

And unfortunately after Lio De Galon vs WhateverKraysMechWasCalledKrayXIDK.

Lio’s impulse is to... murder. Yes, its understandable with all he’s been though. All his family and friends are possibly dead or being tortured. His reaction is strong and violent. But before that Galo and him were both attacking Kray and there was no desperate attempts on either part to kill Kray. Galo knew Lio’s morals and Galo was shocked that Lio was running headfirst to go against his morals. Once again, yes, its understandable to have that reaction. But that was an impulse. When Galo was pushed to attack Kray one on one he held back. Galo did double punch the crap out of Kray but that was holding back. The man abused and manipulated Galo all his life and was the reason Lio was now dying on the floor. Galo is more controlled then Lio was. And they both had justifiable reasons to murder a man.

And then after the kiss, Lio leaning more into impulse then Galo, is exclaiming how they need to burn the whole entire planet. Both Galo and Lio are loud and proud in these moments for Galo de Lion. Lio even mimicking Galo’s kabuki-esc talking (bless his gay heart) and speeches.

Okay, so I just talked about the whole entire movie. Wow. Of course I did.

To summarize I guess. They’re both impulsive but not stupidly impulsive. Lio was on the brink of stupidly impulsive moreso than Galo in just how he almost rejected all his sense of morals and life goal to kill a man. (Once again UNDERSTANDABLE) They’re equals. Its shown enough in the film. But shown in different lighting and effect on the viewer. All this just makes me feel that post movie Lio would still be impulsive and show offy and even moreso in situations where he’s not in a life threatening event. Lio would do a motorcycle jump off a car without a care for his safety while Galo is also gonna do a bike jump off a car but got his med kit with him, Aina on speed-dail and a cushion around the landing point. Lio would be more impulsive cause Galo’s there to have his back.

....................and I talked a lot again. I’ll read more this. BUT WOO. Please tell me your thoughts? If you agree or disagree?

I didnt reread this cause I did this with hair dye in so now imma go wash this stuff out and THEN ill reread this. Excuse typos or weird sentences ilu bye

#boop merps #i halted my they/he pronouns for galo in this so sorry galo i love my theyboy #I JUST EXPLAINED THE WHOLE MOVIE

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subidol · 5 years

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Jaemin NSFW A-Z

Warning: 00 LINE SMUT! DON’T LIKE DON’T READ!

THIS IS MY OPINION BTW!!

SORRY FOR MISTAKES I DIDN’T CHECK LOL.

FML IF I FORGOT A LETTER

A- Aftercare

Na Jaemin is amazing at giving aftercare. Firstly, he’d just cuddle with you for a few minutes, stroking your hair peacefully. If you didn’t fall asleep already, he’d definitely get up and make you a hot drink. He might run a bath for the two of you, where he’d already decorated the bathroom with petals and candles. It’d be so cheesy but thats Nana for you. Then to settle you back to sleep after a long round, he’ll sing you to sleep quietly, kissing your forehead every once in a while.

B- Body (Your favourite part of his body and his favourite part of yours)

Well, i can’t exactly guess your favourite part of Jaemin’s body, but i sure as hell love his arms.

Like...how dare he attack you like this?? They may not be the most muscled arms in NCT, but they are nicely toned and you just adore laying your head on them, and giving his shoulders and biceps kisses. His favourite body part of yours is most likely your cheeks (face cheeks lmao); he loves squishing them and kissing them, pinching them, you name it. But he also loves your breasts, whether they’re big or small, because he wants to reassure you that he loves them. Also uses them as pillows ehehe.

C- Cum

When you’re comfortable, and on the pill, he prefers coming inside of you since he feels it is very intimate. However, he knows how risky it is so he will only do this every once in a while. He’d be really tidy though. His pullout game is strong lol.

D- Dirty Secret

Secretly up for having a threesome/foursome with either Jeno or Jeno and Renjun. But we all knew that, didn’t we? Only if you were up for it though.

E- Experience (how experienced they are)

Obviously, Jaemin is an experienced flirter, but hasn’t has much experience with sex, since he’s only just legal. My belief is that he’s probably had blowjobs, fingered a girl, etc but never gone too far. However, i believe he’d be a natural in bed. Freaking perfect at eating you out, cockwarming, and doing all the right things to turn you on. Thrusts like a god.

F- Favourite Position

It depends on the mood, but he likes it when you ride him, since he gets a nice view of your face and breasts bouncing up and down. He does enjoy missionary though, since Jaemin likes to take control over the situation so you don’t have to worry about anything. He will never try positions you weren’t comfortable with. If you were up for it, he’d try anything new if that’s what you wanted cause he’ll literally do anything for you.

G- Goofy

Jaemin is like a lightswitch; one moment hes all giggly and cute, but as soon as you get into bed he’s as serious and sexy as ever. He doesn’t want to ruin the hot mood. He’ll be really romantic though- constantly asking you if you’re okay or if you want him to go slower or faster.

H- Hair

He keeps it messy, but not too uneven. His hair tends to stick to his neck when he sweats, so just like he would practice a choreography,his hair would be all over the place when you’d get intimate, too, which you didn’t mind.

I- Intimacy

Jaemin loves being romantic and sees sexual acts as a way to bond passionately as well as expressing how much he trusts and wants you. He’s the type to lay rose petals on the bed or in the bath. Might even leave you cute little notes leading to the bed, where he’d be laying, waiting for you.

J- Jack Off

Nana probably masturbates quite a lot, since he’s a hormonal teenager, what else can i say. Honestly, he’ll just think of you as the one who is feeling him up, as he touches himself. Probably does it after fan meets, performances and practice, which makes him feel really turned on after hours of hard work.

K- Kink

Hmm...Nana seems like the type to have a thing to be dominant (not that he wouldn’t like being submissive) but not to the level of bondage, daddy kink, etc. Idk, he just seems too sweet and caring to ever tie you up or degrade you, even if its what you really wanted. He seems like the type to adore body worship and leaving hickies/scratches. He’d love leaving hickies on your neck, but would make sure not to go too rough unless you said so. No matter what, Nana lives for scratches on his back. Gripping his hair and raking your nails down his backis HIS THING OKAY. HE FUCKING LOVES IT COME @ ME.

L- Location (Favourite place to have sex)

The bed- it’s the most comfy, and all Nana cares about is your comfort, what a sweetie. I think he’d never have sex in public, but might finger you underneath the table or something. Loves bath sex too, since the water’s warm and has a nice aroma, which hightens the mood.

M- Motivation (Turn Ons)

Seeing you in frilly clothes. I feel like he’d be attracted to lighter coloured clothes on you, like white and pink? Definitely gets him hard. Will like it when you play a little hard to get, since he adores teasing you. Plus, if you rake your hands through his hair, squeeze his thigh and biting his ear, etc...you’re getting him worked up with those dangerous fingertips. When he really needs you, he ends up sexting you. A lot. Especially in class so be prepared lmao.

N- No (Turn Offs)

Strange kinks. They aren’t romantic. Things like foot fetish. Erm..yeah he isnt into it. He doesn’t like degrading, whether receiving or giving. He wouldn’t understand why you’d want to call each other such horrible names.

O- Oral

Jaemin, when receiving, is a whole hot mess. With his head thrown back, sweat covering his body, and his arm over his eyes, he looks fucking delicious.When hes giving oral, he literally will do anything to hear your cute moans, which often leads to him making you feel extreme pleasure. This boy is perfect at giving and putting on a show when receiving.

P- Pace

If you’re not the one setting the pace, then he prefers to keep it steady. Not slow exactly, but not speedy either. He wants to make sure you feel him, and he stretches you in all the right places. He loves slowly kissing you as he thrusts, but will end up bucking his hips and going faster when he’s building up to his climax. It’s not hard to tell when Jaemin’s close to an orgasm. He’ll mutter out things like ‘I love you, Princess.’ or just will simply let out a string of moans and pull you closer.

Q- Quickies

Jaemin’s the type to really crave quickies. Anytime really. However, if you’re not a fan of them, he’ll give himself major sexual frustration, and will eventually beg you to suck his cock later when the two of you are alone. But they’ve happened in recording studios MANY times before.

R- Risk (His comfort zone)

He does enjoy doing it in front of other members, but doing it secretly, like underneath the blankets or something. Anything like knife or blood play is a big NO. He will NEVER take the risk. As i’ve said before, Jaemin likes cumming inside of you. He won’t ever do it without your permission though.

S- Stamina (How many rounds)

Jaemin thinks that one round is enough, but he’ll do other stuff with you after. Make out, spoon, give you hickies and will then give you a bath or watch tv you you. He likes to make the first round last, and for it to be as perfect as possible, which wouldn’t be a problem since hes amazing at sex.

T- Toy (His favourite sex toys)

Doesn’t mind vibrators being used on him, but finds it addicting when they’re used to torment you. Especially when you’re studying. He’d turn it on ad off repeatedly, getting you hot and bothered while in your lessons.

U- Unfair (How they tease you)

Nana is a whole tease. He’s a brat, okay? He’s a playful, teasing bratty switch who most of the time gets challenged for dominance because you plan on giving him a hard time for all of his flirting and relentless teasing. He does shit like wear sleeveless shirts on purpose, and biting his lip waaay too many times. Winks often and generally gives you the ‘I know you want to fuck me’ look. Also, Jaemin has a habit of getting you jealous by flirting with fans- you fucking hate that.

V- Volume (How vocal they are)

He struggles to be quiet sometimes, especially when you kiss and suck his body, near his arousal. Whines like hell when you scratch down his back and kiss his jawline. He tries to make his moans pretty and loud, since he knows its a turn on for you. Nana isn’t afraid about letting you know how good you make him feel. Always breathes heavily after his release, which is even hotter.

W- Wild Card (Author’s Choice)

Jaemin wouldnt be nervous having sex at all. The only time he might slightly panic is when it’s your first time. He wants the experience to be as pleasurable as possible, but then again, he is very confident, so there’d be no need to worry. He’d be extremely honoured if he was your first, and would prepare the entire thing leading up to it. He’s so sweet and gentle.

X- X-ray (Their Package)

You’re fucking welcome. I don’t own the vid.

Y- Yearning (Sex Drive)

Jaemin has a high sex drive, what can i say? He craves for your touch 24/7, and constantly thinks of fucking you at the most random of times. Touches himself twice a day when you’re not around, watches porn like any other boy, and looks at pictures of you. It takes a lot of courage for him to NOT fuck you in the dorm rooms.

Z- ZZZ (How fast they fall asleep after)

Nana falls asleep so fast. He has such energy before and during sex but as soon as he reaches his climax, hes exhausted from all the stimulation. All he’d want to do is cuddle with you after. Make sure you get him up at the right time though...or another member will. Eek.

Hope you enjoyed!

fuck this took ages

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theskyexists · 3 years

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empress ki

are these koreans gonna go as far as to let this man fall for who he thinks is just some young cool guy?

i mean - they’re not chinese so

this is kinda silly lol. if she really wanted to be let go she could have just punched him. i guess that would have gone too far

this RANDOM assassin almost kills them - he disappears. we good. no worries.

where are her own men????

NOOOOO don’t ruin it

why the fuck would she have developed a feminine slap? i think theyre gonna ruin it. like contact with a male love interest will just forcibly feminise you

ok no she came up with an excuse

god - an openhanded slap from another man lol i can see how that might be quite offensive

she just chills in the crown prince’s bath no prob lol. ok so she locked the door

she just let herself get fuckin shot for this lol

this episode moves super fast but thats fun but i still don’t know how the king and the crown prince are related. the whole hostage thing really messed things up

i just realised that i love the bro/bro mlm stuff if its actually m/f. LOL.and I KNOW it’s going to only last one fuckin episode bc we’re gonna go right back to misgyny and chattel slavery especially for women but yknow

does she remember him?? did she send the bandana? i dont know on which side she really is.

yeah ofc shes the bandana guy. i mean - DUH.

WHY RISK YOUR OWN MEN - WHAT WAS THE PLAN

is this spy gonna get her bandana now???

or are these not her own guys?? THEY ARE

is she playing the king?? like - im still trustworthy though!!!! (or at least my men are) but how could she think to rely on the crown prince???

oh no the cool big sword moustache guy!!! why would he be the spy for the king????????????? what is there to gain??????? HE’S NOT THANK GOD

YES!!!! I LOVE THEM. ‘hit me’ BAM *violently and romantically perches over him to almost stab him*

aww haha the king is attached to seung nyang. too bad you’re an evil bastard she wants to destroy

i can’t quite tell why revealing the salt location drop off point is important or not. i guess it was just and only a test.

was that the guy in blue who volunteered to be shot at? : ‘( ah it’s not.its just some nobody. I guess she couldn’t have known who knew of her blue bandana so she had to hide it. But couldn’t she have told this guy from the very beginning when they were alone?

did the official guard not get told that more people were coming???? LOL. that’s one fuckin mess

HEROIC HORSERIDING YEAAAAAAAA did she not think of a reason for being alive? ‘kill me’ OH MY GOD hahahahaa. smart but so risky (it turns out that the crown prince is the crown prince but the king is the brother of his dad’s)

is there something you want? I THOUGHT YOU WANTED MONEY oh my god this guy is gambling it all lol. oh no, he’s gonna make it too.

it’s always the ‘unrightful’ people that get villainised for wanting power

what the fuck her dad’s gonna kill all her friends and make her into a sex slave? jezus christ how dark (i read a synopsis that she gets sent to yuan after all somehow). on who’s fucking authority? couldn’t they have gotten at the very least a letter from the goddamn ‘auditor’ to protect them

oh my god. just wear your fucking ring on the outside of your goddamn clothes. that was so FUCKING close

wow that was a pretty realistic breakdown

GO SEE HIM HELLO!!!!

she became a fucking COP TO SEE HIM HOLY SHIT LOL

JUST SHOW HIM THE FUCKING RING

did she just leave her band of boys behind???

dude why is this series romance blocking me what the fuck

gotta show that Yuan is backward through furs and beads!!

i do love that this series had the guts to start off with heartbreak. but also to let the female protagonist be a big bi....amorous...?

this show somehow made me feel sympathetic towards a stinkin imperial rich kid. he didn’t ask to be born into a family that would become his death

‘young boy’ *is literally at least 40*

the KING has only 10 men to spare? really?

he’s gonna let his servant get fucking murdered in his stead? yikes. ok so that wasn’t his PLAN no. poor servant guy

so they got her a MATCH - a dirven and smart and powerful king. and a soft and unexperienced and endangered future emperor.

this is so much my fucking THING it’s insane. i don’t even mind that the king is kinda ...average looking.

and she kicks his ASS LOL. and he falls ultimately deeply in love with her. this is incredible.

i wonder if she’s going to hold the death of his servant against him

they didn’t even take his head? stupid. oh i guess that’s for the traitors.

SHE STILL DOESN’T GET ITS REALLY HIM. I THOUGHT SHE WAS SMART

really - she lets the fucking chief get the credit. are you fucking kidding me? fuck this. be smarter! hate having to say that to a character. Be! smarter!

now he gets to be WHY HIDE FROM YOUR BOYFRIEND WHAT THE FUCK. if this is gonna be the whole fuckign show i can’t take it.

im gonna need to know if she keeps fucking hiding. stop hiding! STOP. stop hiding from the important men in your life! what the FUCK. stop hiding from your dad. Stop HIDING FROM YOUR FUCKING BESTO BOYFRIEND

the prince isn’t even upset about his servant’s demise

fucking finally somebody found out seung nyang was the ONE

I love Strong King - I love vulnerable future Emperor

he’s just a stupid indoctrinated kid! somebody should explain to him all the horrors that have been done to people in his name!

we have a sequence in which she’s done great deeds, gets called in, is concerned about how she slapped the important person around lol

we’re gonna get teh exact same for Togon one day

jezus christ that’s a very romantic thing to say to a cool and heroic young guy who saved your skin twice, king. are you - i n l o v e? a lil bromance perhaps?

awww he’s so damn happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

she’s like - fuck. wish she stayed a little more ruffian though. wheres the fucking swagger!

how am i so into this m/m ship. LOL. im really into this stronk man and rogueish ‘boy’ bonding through hardship crisis crossing all rank

im up for her teaching the prince compassion and horror and the way of the world though

I KNOW this is soon going to devolve into a palace drama though so that fucking sucks

why is the emperor a young guy and the brother an old guy. was the emperor the preferred son? from the preferred wife?

has she never heard a guy pee??? i thought she lived with soldiers and shit

why the fuck is she carrying his excrement to the sea when she’s his BODYGUARD. this went differently than i thought

he literally is alone. there is no shift of the guard with him. hello?

what the fuck is this lax bodyguard shit. you need at LEAST two so one can sleep while the other guards.

everytime she bathes im like - ALARM ALARM

this jimbo traitor is so stupid lol

commander - just approach this stupid idiot. be the dad you want to be.

you could just become his son!!! hello????

so you really care about the peoplle huhg? thats why you keep selling off women?

oh my god. is the prince also falling in love with this ‘boy’? who embodies the masculine ideal? GOD I LOVE THIS SO MUCH im gonna cry when this is over and she ends up a fucking maid

this romantic fucking epic music as they struggle in a petty fucking competition in teh surf jlsjLKFJSDLJ:FLDSF I LOVE THIS

SHE VIOLENTLY PERCHES ABOVE THIS GUY TOO. ROMANTIC MUSIC

the koreans KNOW what is good. THEY KNOW.

oh this poor guy. please let this guy meet poor people. like. idk. the stolen women made into slaves and shit

yeah yeah they bond without him knowing about losing a parent and wanting revenge

the king is like, MY BOY!! that’s MY boy!! hands off!!!! that’s my dearest bromance boy friend!!!!

oh no - shes going to have to choose who to ride with lol

oh nooooooooo Seung Nyang don’t hurt King boyfriend !

‘he will not take Seung Nyang, will he?’ i had to double take there

I FINALLY understand the appeal of all unassailable men in romance. god, my brain is weird.

give seung nyang to me. dsjfpawejfeawjfljsdkljldsjflkdfsa dude. no. i know this is a love triangle but it is just within good if they do THIS moment right

the prince is a horrible shit

nooooo seung nyang please don’t hurt the king!!! he loves you!!!!

‘why am i burning up inside?’ YOU LOVE HIM!! YOU LOVE SEUNG NYANG!!! you love this guy!!! the koreans are daring lil mfs

where is the ruffian guy with the moustache and big sword?? he was the king’s left hand man when he wasn’t king yet.

the actress has really feminised Seung Nyangs mannerisms and way of movement past few eps (oh it’s a dream)

oh my god they’re no-homo-ing this through a dream. he just FEELS like Seung Nyang is a woman!!! that’s why he’s attracted!!! lol

seung nyang loses her dad. prince doesn’t notice. jezus

he impressed some dudewith his self-righteous dragon heaven propaganda. goddddd. the prince truly does not care how many people have already died for him. WHEN will he become likeable instead of hilariously piteous

just absolutely devastating end scene. shitty k-pop outtro.o hgod

will the prince finally - through seung nyang realise that actaully it fucking sucks that people keep being horribly harmed and killed for his sake?

JEZUS CHRIST I AM ON EPISODE 5 wHAT THE FUCK THIS IS LIKE 60 episodes long. oh my god no.

the thing i like about this show is that she looks believably like a very feminine boy for korean standards.

they keep playing him as childish, selfish and incompetent. but like, soooo many people DIED FOR HIM

hwo didn’t they kill bayan for obviously killing their own guard lol

finally she confronts him with the regular people!!!

what is lord jang doing with them

wow the commander’s beard is long. they been going for a while

well he is suffering - but can’t she get to him through words. make him a better person?

he is asking an important question. ANSWER IT GODDAMNIT

thsi ‘warming’ is so ridiculous haahahaha

*has full view of covered breasts* ‘he is definitely a boy!!!!’

i don’t know what sexuality politics this is - probably very bad ones - if you’re a straight man then you’re attracted to some fundamental femaleness in women!! or something

why is a bite mark evidence

god - these powerful people have enormous egos. they must, it is bred in them.i deserve power and when it is taken from me it sucks so much i can’t breathe!!! well uh yeah - everybody feels that way you ain’t special

she looks so sick

feels empathy for the first time ever. what a wonderful fantasy. that somebody could teach a prince empathy

*goes into town completely uncovered in royal robes which haven’t been weathered at all* ok

‘why did you hide you are a woman?’ what COMPLETE AND UTTER MALE NONSENSE

WOMEN ARE GETTING DRAGGED OFF TO BE SEX SLAVES AND YOU ASK THAT??? ‘sure, im sure you had your reasons’

WHAT FUCKING IDIOT

53:50

so she gets him in and then he betrays her? lol. but does it really matter? the king won’t be tried, there’s no reason for goryeo to be annexed. seung nyang won’t die. etc. he might as well go back to his deadly golden cage without endangering himself.

is it for her dad that she asks this of him? he faints, eh that’s a fine way out.

cant she hug a king back when he hugs her????? come ON

he almost killed his fucking son. these people are so CRAAAYYYZY

*leaves the people most likely to turn on him behind with the prince*

why does he have to reveal this?? what are the stakes here??”

goryeo’s soldiers???????????? what the fuck. i thought he was gonna come up with something clever like - pirates or something. not just ‘oh it was a random weirdo band of soldiers’ no - ‘under the orders of the king’

WHAT. hes throwing teh whole country to the wolves. if seung nyang doesn’t kill him ill be surprised. seung nyang better get him for this for a thousand fucking years.

so he’s even personally betraying seung nyang. for a tiny chance at power. damn. wow. damn wow.

jezus what a fucking way to leave your daughter! making your last exchange putting yourself down as a father. DUDE. could have ended shit in a better way!

anyway literally cried twice about her losing her dad already

anyway so they both die in her arms. great.

yeaaaaaaah swearing to kill him. good. too bad it’s gonna be like 50 eps of palace maid shit and the prince barely got a taste of poverty

really wonder how traumatising this whole - is revealed as a woman and transferred to the empire as a sex slave thing is going to be - for me i mean

‘he’s probably living well in his homeland’ - how could you trust that your orders will be followed???

this is completely unrealistic wow

doesnt she get a fucking horse

who the fuck was park bhu - the undercop?

oh apparently laughing ugly is an indication of evil for a woman. laughing maniacally is an indication of evil for a man

her archnemesis is gonna unmask her as a woman in public? i think i might have to quit this show at this exact moment.

aaand.....guess ill have to quit.

ok that wasn’t so bad

how did they have women’s silks and makeup with them

she’s literally a martial artist warrior and she can’t fight a rapist attacker with her hands free?

oh god. she’s gonna be all feminine now bc she looks like a girl. oh god. i feel kinda sick.

SHE SUDDENLY DOESN’T HAVE ANY BANGS ANYMORE BUT LONG HAIR

THAT COMB WAS MAGICAL

some classic ‘female body weak’ sexism. love getting that from the beau

i know they’re trying to make danashiri seem unsympathetic but she’s saying fuck you to sexism here. then again it’s because she’s a spoiled elite brat

they really are made for each other

holy shit. this series just goes on and on and on and on and on. i can’t do this.

#vidi #personal #my stuff #empress ki #they are doing absolutely wonderful classic shit for her its amazing #in the first six episodes #then it's like palace drama and shit or whatever #getting preyed on by the guy who killed your mother etc.

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angeljonghyun · 6 years

Text

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

#personal #longpost #negative #tw:suicide #tw:death

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ellerevelle · 7 years

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copy paste past journal entry 1

My boyfriend and I broke up about three weeks ago. I’m deleting old journal entries I furiously scribbled down or typed out on the ‘stickies’ app or ‘notes’ app. But theyre interesting enough to me to not want to delete completely. So I’m copying and pasting them here. Its interesting... we only just broke up, but I wrote this entry in October of 2015. And I referred to the things that I still feel and fear from him to this day. I shouldve known. Even way back then.

Begin entry--

how does it make you feel to think we might never see each other again?

you are an asshole. for deciding my love isnt good enough for you, that i am not worth fighting for, for breaking up with my after my birthday after my mom dies.

think about it. think about how you get to know a person.

you meet, where? at work? in a bar? at a show? through a friend at dinner or something?

you chat with them there. they impress you, how? with a cute joke. by going along with the shit you say. by carrying themselves well. by making small talk you enjoy that you want to see them again and continue it into medium talk then maybe big talk if the chemistry takes you there.

they are attractive.

they are attractive, the easy way.

therefore they are easy to spend time with, the easy way. the "lets go swimming!" way or the "lets see a movie" way or the "lets not get too heavy into dark stuff or pain" way.

you sleep together. its nice. or its hot. or its both. or its neither... all more ways to get to know someone.

Now, think about when it starts to not be easy. Are you still attracted to this person? Have you been "tamed"? Why?

You have gotten to know me through a shit ton of easy stuff. And then I showed you some of my glow. We brought magic out of one another. We made the EFFORT to continue to see one another because we loved each other, loved the feeling of being together. And for me, I wanted to know more about your magic.

Of course I saw your struggles, your difficulties. I noticed the things you brought up more, complained about more. I noticed what annoyed me or red flagged me. Times you were cynical and quick to diss. Quick to opt not to relate or try to understand a different point of view. I remember the time you straight up got out of bed and took a walk around the block in the middle of the night because you were upset with me after watching Pulp Fiction.

And I realize I had a one night stand with someone. And that the timeline doesnt sit well with you.

But lets get into that.

I let someone touch me, yes. Its horrible that I didnt know better, yes. But have I seen him since? No. Did I honestly even enjoy being there? No. Do I respect him? No. Have I let anyone even come close to touching my body since? No.

It was not an emotional affair. It was not a plotted out, planned out, steamy hot romance. It was a bullshit night that I walked away from shaking my head about, judging him. judging myself. But honestly not really judging myself that much. I felt angry because it was a useless night and I shouldve shut it down, but I didnt beat myself up over it because it was over, I handled it, didnt enjoy it, didnt feel conflicted. It was like eating something you werent hungry for but you did because you didnt want to be rude and it was gross but you finished it and then felt fat afterwards so you punished yourself by going to the gym for an extra hour to make up for it.

I know that sex is different for you because you even held on to your KISSES as prized possessions.

But just because I dont do that doesnt make mine worth any less. I know myself. And I feel my heart steadily evolving and a kiss can be anything to me. It isnt JUST the utmost most precious kiss. A kiss can be a throw away. A hug can be a throw away. Its MY decision inside my heart and head and soul to decide what these things mean. If I kiss a perfect stranger I can choose to make it sexy, make it cute. I can choose to trick you. I know how to do that. I know what the moves look like.

But choosing to really mean it. I realize I've put myself in a very challenging position, setting myself up like this. Because how the hell would you be able to tell or believe if I mean it or not. When I'm capable of just giving you the illusion.

But thats where time comes in. Thats where getting to know someone comes in. Thats where you come in.

Because you have let me in from the start. Yes, it was easy. I presented myself as myself but breezier, probably. Because I was. I was on the road, away from home, feeling free. So thats how my soul presented itself. That is my favorite feeling, so I reflected it on the outside. Its like ... when you watch a horse running free and youre in awe and you feel so connected and youre attaching yourself to this animal and its soul that its showing you, but a week later you come by the ranch and the horse is in its stall. or its doing exercises with the ranch hands, around and around and around and it looks disenchanted. Is that not the same horse you were so bewitched by? it is. and You are a jerk for not remembering. Just because its not exactly how you remembered it doesnt mean thats not who it still is. and you are missing out if you walk away, saddened, thinking " i cant watch this, I cant see my horse like that. that is not my horse" and you leave, with that as your last impression. not believing that beautiful creature doesnt of COURSE want to be out in the field. that it doesnt OF COURSE want to feel the same beauty you want it to. OF. FUCKING. COURSE it does.

So dont walk away. Because its a sign that you dont believe it'll ever happen again. its giving up. its saying "bah, why bother". its choosing to do something else to suit yourself instead of sticking it out through uncomfortable or sad bits in order to be a part of something extraordinarily special again.

So.

I was easy to love.

And then I wasnt.

I brought on doubts to you. Issues with long distance. Quiet growing doubts about my unemployment. My motivation.

I should have stood up for myself on that sidewalk.

Because of course I have flaws. You dont think I know that? You dont think I dont already rip myself to shreds in my own head about flaws? The guy talking to me who has gone through depression himself, you cant bring yourself down again can you? youre choosing not to relate because maybe i remind you of yourself? Is that it?

I could just as easily have been embarrassed by you. I just as easily couldve been a gigantic cunt to you. About how youre throwing your time into a job you never talk about growing in. About how you dont have enough time to really make your band the way you want. And subsequently you spend all your day sweating at work and then all your night going to rehearsal and writing songs and then beating the shit out of yourself when neither of these things are fulfilling. your band is only just getting paid. you dont have time to make an internet impact. you dont let people get to know you on stage. what the hell am i sinking my teeth into if i cant even figure out what genre you are. try a different city. try a different crowd. try a different job.

and yet, Have I called you out on any of this? Have I chosen to make any of this about me? any sort of issue to bring up to make you fucking question yourself?

No. Because I have chosen to not consider these things flaws. these things are differences between you and I.

And I could fucking spin it easy as fuck into deep, profound character flaws in you.

But nope. I. LOVE. YOU. and I am making the CHOICE goddamnit to see them as DIFFERENCES and see the bright side of the coin. And make them character TRAITS that make you STRONG and BEAUTIFUL and UNIQUE.

Because I can. It is a strength in me, a choice to stay. A choice to not look for issues to pick apart.

Because you've shown me your glow, your magic. And I choose to see THAT. I choose to believe that those glorious quatlities in you come from struggle, confusion, depression, and they are the current in your river that pulses from the depths. and even if other shit is going on in the more shallow layers, the current is still there. Even if we've both forgotten or gotten bogged down by trivial things, or topical issues, or recent tragedies. Theyre challenges, these distractions. But I choose to know that the current is still the same in you. Its the guiding force.

I absolutely have huge character traits that confuse the hell out of me, and as time goes by its like a glacier ever so slowly carving out the valley that is me. Every so often a wonderful something will come and test you. Your love put an entirely different weight in my mind. You gave me the opportunity to reassess my social definition. I hadnt been able to really tell anyone "I'm seeing someone, sorry". I havent been able to let saying No guide me to more authentic Yes's.

I havent had a job for three years like you. I havent committed to a band like you.

but how dare you asshole stand on a sidewalk with me, saying "whats the last time youve made anything? whents the last time youve created something?"

"what have you done lately"

"what do you even do"

I should have hit you then. I really should have. Because, to me, it wouldve been justified because you threw the first punch. Right in my fucking face, with spit on your knuckles.

Our lives are extremely different and it reflects WAY MORE ON YOU than it does on me that you called me out like that. Fuck you.

It shows me youre afraid of me. It shows me that you think you're better than me, that you'll survive better than me because you think you work harder.

But the difference is I choose what to work on. It is a luxury. I do envy you so often that you have the grit to just work. juuuust work. I havent struggled and it is a missing part in me in that capacity. But. That does NOT mean I havent put myself out on a limb. That does NOT mean I havent tried new things. That does NOT mean I havent had to be creative, to go with less, to be uncomfortable, to be scared.

I am emotionally rich. I am emotionally creative. I am intellectually remarkable. I am adventurous. I have ingenuity. I am sensual. I experience my world, and further more, I go out to find it.

Do not judge me for not settling down in one city like you did. I have been in one place for ten years, made my mark, and am now traveling to see what makes its mark on ME.

I have been alone in countries where I do not know anyone, do not speak the language, and do not know the land. And I know you know this. And I know you probably dont like me for it because you havent or think that you cant.

But I think that you can. Its a choice. Maybe thats also why you dont see this relationship working. Because our idea of possibility is so vastly different.

I can do anything. I am free to do anything. I have chosen to not sink heavy into a job because I placed freedom at a higher priority.

But that does not mean that cant shift and change.

And you met me at a time when that was beginning to change. I lost touch with loving Philly. I was in the throes of realizing the friendships I thought I was making werent fruitful or beneficial. I was remaining unemployed because my family was struggling and I wanted to be able to go home if I had to. Which is something I'm still struggling with because what with Mom and everything, I shouldve gone home a fuck of a lot sooner.

I am struggling with losing my Mother. What I pray to be the most difficult thing I'll ever have to do. You have met me at the most absurd time in my life. Hopefully.

But, at least at the beginning, you chose to love me anyway. You chose to see my potential, see what I love about MYSELF. I was so excited you were seeing me as me, not as some random female body wandering around Philadelphia.

You listened to the words that were coming out of my mouth so I wanted to make them great ones. I wanted you to know ME. And you did, through spectacular magical ups, and then earth shatteringly painful lows.

THAT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT COMES QUICKLY. I defy you to go fall in love with someone and see down the line that she's gonna come with her own set of flaws that will especially show themselves in times of trouble, anguish, and tragedy. And then you'll get to choose again, whether theyre worth sticking it out through. Whether theyre worth getting over. Whether her shine is something you believe in enough to sit the storm through with. To get hit with some lightning bolts because you know the sun's on the other side. Because you know she WANTS to shine for you. She wants to warm your heart. She wants to, even after her own world falls apart, to still help you heal yours.

That is what I am. That is how I feel. Because I am beautiful and I am fucked up and I am worth it.

And you are beautiful and you are fucked up and you are worth it.

But you have to know that bailing doesnt really make me feel super great.

It instills the defense mantra "Why should I fight for him if he doesnt fight for me?"

Which I'm sure you'd combat with "that is toxic and immature"

but we're all cavemen, (name omitted).

Its a basic choice. If anything, you'll go through phases of thinking everything has to be more elegant and complicated and elevated. But then you'll get old again and realize nope. nah.

Just love. Juuuuust love. Just shut up. Shut the fuck up and relax and feel it.

So the scary part about that though is what if you shut up and relax and then realize you dont love me... That you did and you wont forget but right now you simply dont and its over. Over enough to never return.

That parts the sucky part. But I'd rather know than not.

Because all of this cold shoulder stuff, or acting like you barely know me, not allowing any warm inflection in your voice when we speak, that versus the sigh, THAT sigh when you look at me and there are no words. you look in my eyes and your breath cant come out as just a normal exhale, it has to sigh its way out. and then you hold me so tightly against your body. Or when you let your guard down as my friend and we giggle and laugh and theres magic there that comes with holding someones hand without thinking about it. as effortless as blinking. you reach out and touch because its what youre meant to do. The up and down, hot and cold, barely talk then sweep me off my feet with expressions of wanting to grow old together. I cant handle the contrast. Because I want the latter, and when I get the former it feels like you hate me. Like youre teasing me. Like torture. I wish I knew what you wanted. Then again you've already said you want space and time for yourself and that you cant love me with all this negativity. WELP BUSTER how about the fact that i'm still loving you despite the fact that youre doing this to me. that youre (in my opinion) irrationally angry at me for allowing flirtateous text messages to occur even though youre a zillion miles away and i have just lost the number one love in my life, My Mom. Youve got no interest in letting me fix that mistake. and then you bring up my one night stand that happened before all that. and i try to explain its insignificance. and that I CHOOSE TO SHARE MYSELF WITH YOU. MY WHOLE SELF. and the only way to continue to grow is to keep going forward and trying but it sounds like you dont want me to try. I know youre angry but I want you to have my fucking magic. No other idiot deserves it. Just one idiot. You.

But yet you throw me under the bus ( about depression, about flirting, about not having a job) instead of considering that my heart is broken and I'm still standing. Instead of considering softness and forgiveness and genuinely helping, you're scared and protecting yourself.

And you say YOU cant give me YOUR heart because of too much negativity?!? I COULD JUST AS EASILY SAY THE SAME GOD DAMN THING ABOUT YOU.

I shouldve stood up for myself on that fucking sidewalk. I should've slapped you across your goddamn face. You know why I chose to let you be right, though? Because I was afraid if I was mean or harsh or fought back you wouldnt like it and you'd doubt yourself or itd hurt you. And instead of considering hurting you more or trying to make you the one in the wrong, I took it. I took it. I took your fucking emotional shame fest, let you smush me into the dirt. Because if you felt hurt by something I retorted with, what if you left? What if you really really left? But at least I figured if I was 100% in the wrong then I could fight back and work my way back up. I didnt want you to think I was mad at you because often it seems like if you think I'm mad at you, you walk away or leave or get quiet because you think its what I want. Even in bed, you'd ask me if i was okay and I said no so you rubbed my back and then soon after went to be closer to me or something and I shrugged or made some implication you took to mean "no" , so you rolled to the furthest reaches of the bed away from me. As if that was doing me a favor. When in fact its the complete opposite.

Which, again you'll retort by saying that i'm immature and its toxic la la la. All I want is you to reach out to me. To touch me. To speak to me. To say something. To show you care. That you think this is worth it. I

ts not something I'll need 100% forever. But I just went through the toughest shit ever losing my goddamn Mother so yea. Forgive me for needing some extra.

Forgive me for needing some extra attention and reassurance and if it doesnt come through from you I texted a friend and it came through from them. And I'm sorry. I know you think you dont have enough to go around right now. For work, for music, for yourself, for your social life, then for me. I'm another "project" as you so sweetly fucking put it that night. In the coldest voice ever. Beautiful golden brown eyes turned black with arms crossed.

It really is a challenge choosing to stay with someone who handles this situation the way you are. That discussion after sushi was unwarrantedly harsh and cold. I committed a human sin but I showed up to try and fix it. I dont think you give a fuck about trying to fix my opinion of you now. You are a cynical prick. Acting indifferent and blowing me off.

texting me basic shit about your weekend plans, and i try to be enthusiastic but i feel like whenever i'm out or doing something and tell you about it, i always include "it'd be better if you were here" because thats how I feel. and I wonder if you ever feel that.

Your indifference gives me nothing to read from, nothing to glean warmth from. If I cant tell that you care, I'll assume that you dont. And I'll teach myself to not need it. I'll move forward.

How does it make you feel to think you'll never see me again?

Of course I'm still magic on my own.

Of course I know you'll be fine

I've just never had anything like this

and I'm not even close to interested in letting it go without a fight.

And it makes me sick thinking you are.

"you think your love for me is unhealthy" and i want to know why

i know youre looking into yourself and want time for yourself after jessica

but you didnt have to pursue me. if you didnt want it, if you wanted to focus on yourself you didnt have to pursue me. but you did.

Dont do anything youre going to regret. I am dissapointed at what I've learned about you from this. But it doesnt beat what I already knew, what I already loved. And I'm willing and interested in working it through. Because I’m beautiful, and I’m fucked up, and we’re worth it.

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bandagekid · 7 years

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[4/5/17, 9:19:10 PM] aub: but no time [4/5/17, 9:19:13 PM] aub: only time to sleep [4/5/17, 9:19:27 PM] aub: obssessed with sleeping [4/5/17, 9:19:35 PM] aub: just want to go to sleep all the time [4/5/17, 9:19:40 PM] aub: tired of being awake [4/5/17, 9:19:52 PM] aub: today i remembered the story of the fig tree in the bible [4/5/17, 9:20:02 PM] aub: and we had a partner discussion on the moral of the story [4/5/17, 9:20:07 PM] aub: u know it right [4/5/17, 9:20:21 PM] aub: basically jesus is hungry and he finds a fig tree and gets pissed off that it isnt bearing fruit [4/5/17, 9:20:24 PM] aub: so he curses it [4/5/17, 9:20:29 PM] aub: and the next day it withers [4/5/17, 9:20:33 PM] aub: so it’s basically like [4/5/17, 9:20:45 PM] Jimmy: Never heard [4/5/17, 9:20:50 PM] aub: if u don’t amount to anything or you don’t produce anything in life then you may as well be dead [4/5/17, 9:20:55 PM] aub: lmfao [4/5/17, 9:21:12 PM] aub: or you’re as good as dead basically [4/5/17, 9:21:23 PM] aub: no difference whether you’re dead or alive if u dont produce anything [4/5/17, 9:21:31 PM] aub: that’s literally the moral of the parable [4/5/17, 9:21:45 PM] aub: but jesus must have been really hangry [4/5/17, 9:21:53 PM] Jimmy: Right [4/5/17, 9:21:56 PM] Jimmy: lol [4/5/17, 9:21:57 PM] aub: how petty can u be to curse a tree [4/5/17, 9:22:15 PM] aub: then his disciples were like holy shit u cursed it and it died holy shit [4/5/17, 9:22:26 PM] Jimmy: do u think there's a gay gene [4/5/17, 9:22:30 PM] aub: the real moral of the story (positive) is that “YOU BETTER WORK" [4/5/17, 9:22:33 PM] aub: yeah there is [4/5/17, 9:22:35 PM] aub: proven [4/5/17, 9:22:39 PM] aub: like literally [4/5/17, 9:23:00 PM] Jimmy: Rihanna work [4/5/17, 9:23:09 PM] aub: gay physique, especially for males, is different than heterosexuals [4/5/17, 9:23:37 PM] aub: makes u more slender and a little more feminine and ur voice is a little higher [4/5/17, 9:23:48 PM] aub: it’s a different testosterone level [4/5/17, 9:23:56 PM] aub: and estrogen production [4/5/17, 9:24:00 PM] aub: it’s the reason why like [4/5/17, 9:24:04 PM] aub: my friend mitch [4/5/17, 9:24:07 PM] aub: his parents are straight [4/5/17, 9:24:15 PM] aub: but him and all three of his brothers are gay [4/5/17, 9:24:28 PM] aub: so they just literally produced gay children [4/5/17, 9:24:36 PM] aub: you’re predisposed to it based on your parents genetics [4/5/17, 9:24:39 PM] aub: u really are [4/5/17, 9:24:41 PM] aub: born gay [4/5/17, 9:25:06 PM] aub: and also people who are homophobic (men who are homophobic) have this gene where [4/5/17, 9:25:23 PM] aub: ok so basically no one is homophobic [4/5/17, 9:25:29 PM] aub: u aren’t supposed to be homophobic [4/5/17, 9:25:54 PM] aub: but short answer is [4/5/17, 9:26:15 PM] aub: the reason that homophobic men exist so vehemently and outwardly is because theyre predisposed to getting turned on by viewing gay pornography [4/5/17, 9:26:24 PM] aub: *scientifically [4/5/17, 9:26:48 PM] aub: so their values turn the attraction into fear and hatred of one’s self [4/5/17, 9:27:05 PM] aub: and then they uh [4/5/17, 9:27:07 PM] aub: whats the word [4/5/17, 9:27:09 PM] aub: hold on [4/5/17, 9:27:13 PM] aub: its a psychology defense mechanism [4/5/17, 9:27:27 PM] aub: oh [4/5/17, 9:27:29 PM] aub: projection [4/5/17, 9:27:32 PM] aub: there we go [4/5/17, 9:28:03 PM] aub: when u have like problems within urself and u project it out onto others and how u view the world as a result of inner conflict [4/5/17, 9:28:07 PM] aub: https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-defense-mechanisms/ [4/5/17, 9:32:45 PM] Jimmy: Interesting [4/5/17, 9:33:14 PM] aub: like [4/5/17, 9:33:24 PM] aub: like someone cheating on their s/o [4/5/17, 9:33:31 PM] aub: and then their s/o asks them if theyre cheating [4/5/17, 9:33:38 PM] aub: and they’re like no how could u say that [4/5/17, 9:33:41 PM] aub: are YOU cheating on me [4/5/17, 9:33:47 PM] aub: (projection) [4/5/17, 9:34:41 PM] aub: Image [4/5/17, 9:34:44 PM] aub: Image [4/5/17, 9:34:48 PM] aub: which is more me!! [4/5/17, 9:34:53 PM] Jimmy: Second [4/5/17, 9:34:56 PM] aub: my sister wants to buy me a passion planner [4/5/17, 9:35:01 PM] Jimmy: Is that even.a question [4/5/17, 9:35:04 PM] aub: oh really?? [4/5/17, 9:35:12 PM] aub: my friend said the first [4/5/17, 9:35:12 PM] aub: im torn between the two [4/5/17, 9:35:31 PM] aub: i reaaaally like the second one’s design [4/5/17, 9:35:47 PM] aub: it’s a little paler in person [4/5/17, 9:35:57 PM] aub: more of a tiffany blue than an electric one like that [4/5/17, 9:36:29 PM] aub: jimbles i just want to be a genuinely better person [4/5/17, 9:36:43 PM] aub: but i think the more i think about these goals the harder it is to achieve them [4/5/17, 9:37:15 PM] aub: i think things are less about motivation and more about discipline and i’m jst too fragile for all of it [4/5/17, 9:37:33 PM] aub: i finally realized [4/5/17, 9:37:33 PM] aub: or [4/5/17, 9:37:57 PM] aub: i saw something on tumblr and i felt relieved and validated [4/5/17, 9:38:03 PM] aub: that someone mntioned that [4/5/17, 9:38:34 PM] aub: online csa is real and it’s thing even if a lot of people don’t recognize it and it’s just as traumatizing as irl csa [4/5/17, 9:38:52 PM] aub: especially because mine is both [4/5/17, 9:39:17 PM] aub: it’s hard for me to label it as csa because i don’t want to admit it [4/5/17, 9:39:59 PM] aub: but ive become more in touch with trauma and ptsd and csa recovery coping blogs and [4/5/17, 9:40:13 PM] aub: i think for the same reason that i’ve come to identify with bpd is that [4/5/17, 9:40:48 PM] aub: the things and experiences and feelings that other people, others diagnosed with it/have definitely gone through it are the exact same things that i identify with [4/5/17, 9:40:55 PM] aub: the same thought patterns [4/5/17, 9:41:30 PM] aub: it feels good to know that i’m not the only one who thinks horrible things like this to myself [4/5/17, 9:42:03 PM] aub: like u know dont touch me im impure im dirty ill nevr be able to be clean again [4/5/17, 9:42:12 PM] aub: or bpd like [4/5/17, 9:43:02 PM] aub: ill cut you off before you do i hate you i love you i hate you i hate what you’ve done to me i love you please dont ever leave me ill kill myself without you [4/5/17, 9:43:09 PM] aub: it’s [4/5/17, 9:43:16 PM] aub: i feel so ashamed all the time [4/5/17, 9:44:15 PM] aub: i like to hope that im not just licking my wounds here and wallowing in the comfort of a safe community [4/5/17, 9:44:22 PM] aub: i like to think that this is part of the healing process [4/5/17, 9:44:40 PM] aub: but i wonder all the time if ill ever heal or if i’ll just stay damaged goods [4/5/17, 9:45:31 PM] aub: i wonder if anyone will want to touch me or be with me like this or if anyone could love me like this [4/5/17, 9:45:57 PM] aub: and the feeling impermanence and irrationalism [4/5/17, 9:46:42 PM] aub: as if i forget everyday that i’m loved and have to be reminded by large displays of affection or else i get paranoid, vindictive, hateful, withdrawn [4/5/17, 9:46:52 PM] aub: carrying all of these things all the time is hard [4/5/17, 9:47:03 PM] aub: i don’t even know where all of this is coming from [4/5/17, 9:47:08 PM] aub: maybe from some place deep inside me [4/5/17, 9:47:28 PM] aub: i really thought i couldn’t think anymore but i guess it’s still there [4/5/17, 9:51:23 PM] Jimmy: um [4/5/17, 9:51:33 PM] Jimmy: nepo [4/5/17, 9:51:46 PM] aub: sorry i [4/5/17, 9:51:52 PM] aub: i know it just comes tumbling out [4/5/17, 9:51:58 PM] Jimmy: tmblr [4/5/17, 9:52:00 PM] aub: stop [4/5/17, 9:52:06 PM] Jimmy: Tmblring out [4/5/17, 9:52:08 PM] aub: i was gonna say that [4/5/17, 9:52:13 PM] Jimmy: Tumblring out [4/5/17, 9:52:52 PM] Jimmy: r u okay my manz [4/5/17, 9:53:21 PM] Jimmy: it's no good to think those things [4/5/17, 9:53:29 PM] aub: i always think those things [4/5/17, 9:53:32 PM] aub: im just giving u examples [4/5/17, 9:53:36 PM] Jimmy: I know [4/5/17, 9:53:44 PM] Jimmy: what is bothering u [4/5/17, 9:54:01 PM] aub: is that a question or statement :0 [4/5/17, 9:54:16 PM] Jimmy: Both c: [4/5/17, 9:54:45 PM] aub: care // temporex [4/5/17, 9:54:56 PM] aub: “i must be talking to a wall” is my favorite line [4/5/17, 9:56:32 PM] aub: and uh [4/5/17, 9:56:48 PM] aub: idk man [4/5/17, 9:56:58 PM] aub: ive talked to u abt it before but [4/5/17, 9:57:24 PM] aub: it's hard to articulate [4/5/17, 9:59:13 PM] aub: Image [4/5/17, 9:59:16 PM] aub: im gonna do this [4/5/17, 9:59:19 PM] aub: but not on twittee [4/5/17, 10:00:00 PM] aub: my sex life is a lot of personal stuff out and grow up to be a one on one of the only thing that was my first time having sex was in a hotel room with my abuser in the summer of my fav flowers [4/5/17, 10:00:03 PM] aub: fuck [4/5/17, 10:00:23 PM] aub: ...... [4/5/17, 10:00:37 PM] aub: i need to sit down [4/5/17, 10:16:02 PM] aub: jimmy [4/5/17, 10:16:05 PM] aub: im in love with myself

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