#cause its just shit my mom wants to tell me and everythings awful and i want to die 🥰 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dwntwn-strnlo · 11 months

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Hi i can’t take any medication for migraines because they don’t do anything for me so would I be able to get an imagine about Matt comforting and caring for the reader and doing anything he can think of to help her pain? Much love

thank you sm for the request!!! love you ❤️

STAY GOLD, PONYBOY matt sturniolo

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 𝓈𝒾𝓃𝒸𝑒𝓇𝑒𝓁𝓎, dwntwn-strnlo.

↳ 𝐀/𝐍. im actually in love w this ALSO ive never had a migraine (sorry 😪🤑) but my mom gets them a lot so i just based this off what she does ig

↳ 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆. matthew sturniolo x reader

↳ 𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘. request!

↳ 𝐑𝐄𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐃? yes!

↳ 𝐂𝐖! migraines,,, + spoilers?? from The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

,,, this takes a passage from The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. i did not write or publish The Outsiders, and I'm not affiliated with at all.

the second you opened your eyes you felt sick. you roll over to find matt propped up against the headboard, lazy eyes as he watches his phone.

the curtains were shut, but you could still tell it was dark out.

your eyes wince shut at the brightness of matts phone in the unlit room.

"hey, its only like two am, i thought you were going to sleep?" matt queries, his attention drifting from his phone to you. you open your eyes and reach out for his phone, turning it off before you look at him.

your head was pounding hard enough you ought your brain was to jump out of your skull. the pain already threatened to form tears in your eyes.

"love?" matt furrowed his eyes at you.

it seemed as if the light blue of his eyes was bright enough to enhance your migraine, though they aren't.

you burry your head into the pillow next to matt. scared to speak out of fear of throwing up, but you push through it. "i have a migraine." your words are muffled against the pillow case, but he easily catches what you said.

"shit, sweetheart. im sorry." he sighs, bringing a hand over to gently rub your back. "ill be right back with some tea and medicine."

bringing your hands up to your temples, you lightly circle them with your fingers. trying to press the stupid pain away. you nod, and the bed evens out as matt gets up and walks to the door. "i love you, honey, ill be quick I swear."

you just groan into the pillow in response.

the light chuckle that matt let's out rings through your ears. unintentionally causing a little more pain.

but it's like suddenly you can hear everything.

like the faintest whispers that come from the kitchen as matt seemingly ran into one of his brothers.

the conversation is hushed, but it's still there.

after a few more minutes of rubbing the hell out of your temples, you turn your head to watch matt walk in with the red mug you got him for valentines day. presumably filled with the tea he said he was going to make you.

he sets it down on the nightstand by your head, leaning down to press a quick kiss on your cheek before walking into the bathroom. making sure to close the door before turning the light on.

you sit up, slightly wincing at the feeling that you pretend is your brain smacking repeatedly against your skull.

the painted ceramic is slightly hot when you pick it up, but you still put it up to your lips. basking in the taste of your favorite tea.

the bathroom light shuts off with a gentle click! before matt walks out holding various inflammation pill bottles and whatever he could scoop off the cabinet shelf.

he sets them down on the nightstand, before sitting on the bed next to you.

you smile as his eyes light up, an idea popping in his head. "do you want me to read to you?"

a small giggle escaped your lips. in the nicest way possible, matts dyslexia is almost as awful as his handwriting. but yet there's something so soothing about listening to him read or try to read what's sprawled out on the pages of a book you haven't picked up in a while. so you nod, smiling at the brunet.

he smiles back before sliding open the drawer beside you. pulling out the outsiders. you read the book for school when you were 13ish, and when you saw it at the neighborhood book box you just had to grab it. you made it about three quarters through before you forgot about it and let it collect dust in your boyfriends room.

you take your select pills before turning to matt. who flips through the book, waiting for you. from your knowledge, matt never read the outsiders so him jumping into the middle of the book should be a sight.

matt scooted up to prop himself up against the headboard, motioning for you to lay down.

you set your tea down, and lay down. wrapping yourself around matts torso and laying your head on his chest. trying your best to match his breathing.

"shit, your far along," he mumbles, mostly to himself. but you can't help but smile. he scans the page before going to where your sticky note lays against the thin paper.

he takes in a soft breath before starting to read aloud the words. ""we won, dally panted. we beat the so-"" he pauses, staring at the word. "socks? what the fuck."

you laughed, "socs. it's pronounced soshes."

"oh." he huffs, "'we stomped them-chased them outta our territory.' johnny didn't even try to grin at him. 'useless . . . fightings no good. . . ." he was awful white.' dally licked his lips nervously. 'they-theyre still writing editorials about you in the paper. for being a hero and all."" matt furrowed his eyebrows at the page. "what did johnny do?"

"he and ponyboy saved-"

"ponyboy?! for real?" he cuts you off. "ain't no way that's this kids name."

you laugh, burying your face in his neck. looking back up to matt, you find a look of pure confusion sitting against his blue eyes. "im serious. there's also a kid named sodapop and another named two-bit."

he gasped, "your lying."

you shake your head with a smile. "just keep reading, kid."

an exasperated sigh escapes his lungs, followed by an over dramatized eye roll. "he was talking too fast and too calmly. 'yeah, they're calling you a hero now and heroine- huh?"

lifting yourself up slightly, you find where he's confused and laugh to yourself. "heroizin' all the greasers."

"that's not a real word."

"well it was in the 60s, baby." you smile.

he searches your eyes in disbelief. "this is why I don't read." he groans, turning back to the book. "johnny's eyes glowed. dally was proud of him. that was all johnny had ever wanted. 'ponyb-'"

he cuts himself off when he reads the name. "jesus christ you were serious."

you laugh lightly. the pounding in your head still not calming down, but matts inability to focus is enough to distract you just a little.

"'i barely heard him. i came closer and leaned over to hear what he was going to say."

he stops reading when you unconsciously brace yourself, knowing what the next line is going to be.

"what? is something wrong?"

you sigh, "no, this part just makes me sad."

"oh," he frowns. now scared to keep reading himself. he takes in a deep breath, no idea what he should be preparing himself for. "'stay gold, ponyboy. stay gold . . .' the pillow seemed to sink a little, and johnny died."

you frown. this part made you cry when you read in class.

"shiiiiiiiiit." matt gasps. "bro really just died."

his reaction makes you laugh. you egg him on to continue reading, until you somehow ignore your migraine and fall asleep in matts arms. his softly uttered words of confusion and slight annoyance putting you right to sleep.

TAGLIST

@slvt444smvt @thetriplets3 @stxrniqlo

#matt sturniolo #sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #imagine #one shot #fluff #matt sturniolo x reader #the outsiders

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hotsugarbyglassanimals · 25 days

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parental venting ✌️

Took years for my mom to rebuild her goodwill for me after subjecting me to complete hell as a teen and then undid it within 3 months cause her trauma around drugs made her using weed to self medicate. For the record, her self medicating made her stop being a complete nightmare towards me. when my sister still lived with us, she and I basically had to keep hammering it in to her how vicious she gets without it.

I literally begged her in tears to either find some alternate treatment method (like ADHD meds) or keep self medicating cause I couldnt live with her being so nasty towards me again, cause holy shit I dont even know how I survived it in my teen years. I didn’t even know how deep her trauma went past “I worked as a pharmacist in the 80’s/90’s and I saw people on medications getting worse, and I dont believe people should be on drugs for their entire lives” until she cried yelled at me about how she had to save her aunt from an overdose … I had no idea about that. I (and my sister) wouldnt have pressed so hard about her getting ADHD meds if I knew but she never *said* anything. She didn’t tell me her pain was worse with weed (we talked about it more later and it was basically removing the filter for the pain)

But beyond that she said she’s never doing therapy again, that she is finding herself and will be meditating on answers, and that she won’t change because I want her to cause everyone has dictated what she should be… I was literally trying to stop her from fucking everything up between us again. She would always complain before about how I never talk to her during and after my teen years and its like. You did this. This is of your own making. And I was trying to stop it again, but she cannot grasp the concept of others wanting better for her or wanting to take care of her. She literally didn’t understand why my sister wanted to offer financial support and make sure she has a safety net.

God even when I was a teen it was like. You dont understand why I leave messes? Why I never “try” my absolute hardest? Why my hygiene is awful? Why I go to bed at 2 am and why I start my homework at 11 pm? Why I always felt tired (not sleepy exhaustion, but fatigue)? I told her it was ADHD, that I should get a diagnosis, but she didn’t want to put me on “meth” and that I should just build a routine and make schedules. Not listening when I told her it feels impossible. Then yelling at me and calling me lazy lazy lazy.

I know she was dealing with intense stress cause my dad was an emotionally cheating bastard, but god. I became suicidal for fucks sake. Nevermind the fact I was dating my ex which is a whole other can of worms but. Why scream at your child that you never got to assert your own identity because you were frustrated that they said “they” when you called them “she”, as an example. That’s just a microcosm of it all.

She isn’t nearly as bad now but I shouldn’t start disassociating and actually contemplate offing myself cause I messed up and made another inedible recipe ,

I dont know how much longer childhood attachment up until age 13 can carry this relationship

#i’m doing better btw but sometimes i do just resent her

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cogbreath · 3 months

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how many times do i have to try to explain to my mom thst my father is an abusive piece of garbage and i dont agree its sad he likes 2 wallow in self hatred like lady do you forget i (or my alter rather) told you i wanted to kill him like no jokes kill him with a knife or something. like pleasseeeee stopppp witht the excuses he will never be nice why r u inventing reasons that he "doesn't understand" or "he forgets" because hes getting old like no that's nothing new hes always been that way ans its because he doesnt care and he wants to punish u for not being the stepford wife he expects or w/e idk idc. dude is actually what the kids call a protocel like hes a disgusting awful misogynist stop trying to feel bad for him it only makes things worse for you not to say that i have it any better with my spite and apathy but youd be better off with it. like u ask me how to make it so everything he does stops hurting u so much i dont knwo what to tell you anymore its not ur fault but it's frustrating that u keep asking me but u dont seem to actually listen like idk you want a reality where for some reason its u that's the problem and somehow he has some form of innocence when that will never be the case like idk i cant make that the truth and im not cool with pretending that shit.

im actually so tired of it dawg he deserves 0 sympathy he feels 0 remorse for anything hes ever done and you know this because he will just try 2 gaslight u into thinking it didnt happen hes literally a lost cause hes hopeless just like evrry piece of garbage man like him and they r lonely and unwanted for a REASON! u are not a hero for trying to be The One you're disrespecting yourself

ya allah please punish every man like this accordingly you and i both know they deserve no mercy no forgiveness

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butteredcrackers · 6 months

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A little vent ig?

life is very, very stressful right now for me, and my extreme executive dysfunction is not helping. I currently cannot get a therapist or medication for my severe depression related to trauma, and its making me spiral. I just found out all my friends think I'm fucking annoying and have thought that for months, and this month has been stressful because they finally showed what awful people they are and I pointed it out and said what they did was fucked up so I'm the bad guy now. I dyed my hair recently and it looks like trash and I feel really bad cause my mom did it and I appreciate her so much cause she did it while sick, but I feel so ugly. I have to learn 2 extremely complicated pieces if music that I've been putting off for so region, and this doesn't count Christmas concert music, and I'm getting lost in pulling assignments and teachers who think I have the time to spend every waking second of my day on their class alone. I'm not practicing my all region music cause when I get home I just fall to the floor and sit there until its 10pm and I'm like "oh shit I need to sleep" then u fucking stay up still, not getting good sleep, and I keep forgetting to take my meds to make me sleep. I don't know who's my friend and who's not, and now I'm so worried that I'm annoying people that I'm scared to talk to my best friend even though I know she doesn't hate me at all but what if she does what if she hates me. What if I'm really as annoying as they say I am? Did they really hate me for this long? Am I that unbearable to be around? Why did they fake it and be so nice to me? Why did she still say she loved me when she found me so fucking annoying and wasn't attracted to me at all? I want everything to stop. Its too much. I can't anymore. Everyone is just out to get me I guess. Everything is too much. I want to curl up and die. I wish I could just become dormant and rot away, nobody would notice right? Since they all fucking hate me, right? They called me autistic, said that I wasn't autistic and was doing it for attention, when I never called myself autistic. They were the ones who called me autistic and crazy when we were friends. Sure I hate noted at it and said I needed to probably get evaluated but if someone said I was autistic I denied it heavily. Because I don't want to be seen as faking it for attention. I'm so over everything. I kinda just wanna die but I don't because mom thinks people who kill themselves are selfish narcissists and I don't want her to see me that way. This is really long I'm so sorry if you get this on your dash. but it's so much I just need to let it out it might help. God im just so done. Im.burnt out. And I can't take a day off or I'm not exempt from exams anymore. Will someone take me out. God please will someone tell me its ok and they love me. I just need a hug. A really really long one. I need someone to tell me they love me. And that they care for me.

#I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry #Please forgive me for this #I just want to be loved #I just want to be cared for #I just want to live without responsibility #I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry #I'm so sorry

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inutaffy · 11 months

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🧍🧍🧍

im not sorry. im pulling up a chair and you will be stuck here for a millennia

SO. NUMBER 1. “do you know why you’re leader of this team?” “well uh yeah. bc i asked to be? u said it wasnt bc of my skills.” THIS RIGHT THE FUCK HERE. OKAY. BITCH.

LEO ALREADY HAD SO MANY DOUBTS ABT BEING LEADER MAN ITS AWFUL. LIKE. FUCK. and this isnt to say that leo is like confident in his abilities bc HE IS. HE REALLY IS HE KNOWS HE’S GOOD WHEN HE NEEDS TO BE but like that doesn’t immediately get rid of the feelings of inadequacy, ESPECIALLY after he got beat down by shredder in s2 and the earth got destroyed in s3

to him, he’s just leader bc he asked to be, nothing special abt it. its not bc he’s the smartest or the strongest or fastest. he just asked and splinter said lmao sure why not (LISTEN I KNOW THAT THAT WASNT REALLY SPLINTERS REASONING. leo was always gonna end up as leader bc he IS GOOD AT IT. he knows how to lead n he’s inspiring or whatever but he doesnt say this to leo until later) so to him there’s NOTHING STOPPING HIM FROM BEING REPLACED IF BE SCREWS UP ONE TO MANY TIMES. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? IT LITERALLY MAKES EVERYTHING MAKE SENSE. like the shift in how he views leadership after s1. how he CONSTANTLY sacrifices himself for the cause bc WHAT ELSE IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN THINGS SPIRAL OUT OF HIS CONTROL?? just. dude. i fucking hate this. he sacrifices himself at any minor inconvenience (not really but 😐) and i hate that it makes since. he is only leader bc he asked, there isnt some special skill keeping him in this position (THERE IS. the others would be soo screwed if he wasnt leader. they’d make it obviously but DAMN) so he’s easily replaceable, and if something goes wrong to the point where he needs to REALLY get his shit together and DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT, HE SACRIFICES HIMSELF. BC WHAT ELSE IS HE SUPPOSED TO DO. he does it when they had to destroy the technodrome, he does it when he goes to fight shredder alone, he does it when they needed to get that black hole generator piece from that one lady, and he does it when trying to destroy the triceraton mothership. its the worst thing in the whole fucking world

number 2. “i knew that one day you would grow up to be the leader of this team, and when I pass on to be like a father as well.” OUGH. this hurts me so much. this is damn near the center of a good chunk of raph and leo’s fighting. not ALL of it obviously bc they’ve got their own stuff to work out but this definitely plays a part bc above all he wants leo to be HIS BROTHER. not his dad. NEVER HIS DAD. leo IS NOT their fucking dad and when he tries to act all high and mighty it IRRITATES HIM. WHICH IS SO VALID BC WHY ARE YOU THE WAY THAT YOU ARE. STOP. SERIOUSLY. WHO ARE YOU. yk? like fuck. he doesnt want leo to parent them dammit. imagine your dad dies or something and then your older brother is trying to fill that gap instead of taking time to GREIVE

AND TBH. I DONT THINK SPLINTER MEANT IT LIKE THAT EITHER. splinter probably meant this in a “when i die i trust you to take care of this family and be there for each other and support each other” way. not in a SINGLE MOM WHO WORKS TWO JOBS WHO LOVES HER KIDS WND NEVER STOPS WITH GETNLE HANDS AND THE HEART OF A FIGHTER IM A SURVIVOR kinda way

this gets lost in translation tho bc leo totally takes this and runs in the opposite ducking direction for a while which just

NUMBER 3. AND THEN WHEN SPLINTER OFFERS HIM SOME ADVICE/WISDOM LEO JUST. HE CLOSES HIS EYES AND SHAKES HIS HEAD AND TELLS HIM THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE. YOU ARE FINE. BC HE NEEDS THIS TO BE TRUE LIKE. ISNT THAT JUST AWFUL? you watch your dad get killed in front of you, then you go back in time and save him, only for him TO STILL DIE. that is AWFUL MAN.

“i dont get it, you’re fine father. is there something your not telling me?”

I HATE EVERYTHING. leo is dodging EVERY hint that his dad could die soon, he refuses to even entertain the idea. like at all. and its so fuckinf sad bc he is clinging to this hope that no matter what everything will work out fine just like it did before, they’re going to come out on the other side bruised but whole, and it HURTS bc that is not what happens at all. splinter is still killed right in front of them and they carry his body away and bury him and that’s it. that’s fucking it and it’s TERRIBLE.

and its not just awful bc of that its awful bc splinter is trying so hard to prepare them for this, he knows he died once, and has come close numerous times, so its gotta stick eventually right? so the least he can do is make sure his family isnt without closure yk? he can make it so that he torn from them without any warning or goodbye, without something to remember him by, so he goes and he has a moment with each of them in this season before he gets killed and it hurts me so much bc he’s trying to gently prepare them and its just. ough. OUGH. can we just take these mfckers out of situations ffs

NUMBER 4. THIS SHIT.

HIS FUCKING FACE???? AS THEH WALK AWAY???????? KILL ME NOW PLEASE???????? he literally just wants his family to be ok and theh ARENT and it hurts me so. his brothers and dad look so fucking happy too but just. OUGH. the HORRORS man the horrors are coming

anyways. timestamp 3:25am. this is just my rambling from the first few minutes and these are all the scenes from the clip i tagged u in. we haven’t even gotten to splinters death or what leads up to it yet, things are deceptively calm rn and im so scared

GO TO BED

#its 130am for me 330 for you im trying to restrain myself from posting embarrassing things and ranting n raving about shameless and #and you should WE should sleep #literally this is more work and dedication ive ever seen you put into school #we need to get you on payroll for this #fucking tmnt quizzes and see how you do

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house-of-slayterr · 2 years

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Song Lyrics Prompts:

Am I just making this, so I have content in the future if I ever have writers block? Maybe, what about it?

"And I start to give into the sin."

"Mom, am I still young? Can I dream for a few months more?"

"Crimson and bare as I stand, yours completely."

"Miss your teeth dug in my shoulder as we rolled in early morning."

"Sweaty fingers push down on your throat. You say you like it rough, but it's hard to think I do this out of love."

"Why don't I do it for you?"

"How could a heart like yours ever love a heart like mine?"

"Can you break my legs tonight? Can you help me take away the pain?"

"I feel the way that you stare at the back of my neck, from the back of the porch while you're mowing your lawn."

"Twinkle twinkle little star, alcoholics don't get far. Unless they drink and drive, let's go for a ride!"

"My daddy's got a gun, you better run!"

"If I could begin to be half of what you think of me, I could do about anything! I could even learn how to love!"

"I always I might be bad, now I'm sure that its true. Cause I think you're so good, and I'm nothing like you."

"Look at you go! I just adore you; I wish that I knew what make you think I'm so special."

"Me and my husband, we're doing better."

"Awe home, let me come home. Home is wherever I'm with you."

"You call it crime; we call it smart family business."

"At first: when I see you cry, it makes me smile."

"You told me that you loved me by the water fountain."

"Now he's grabbing her hips, pulling her in. Kissing her lips and whispering in her ear, and she knows that she shouldn't listen."

"He talks like and angel, but he looks like me."

"Don't you know I'm a villain, every night I'm out killing. Sending everyone running like children."

"Bad little boy, that's what you're acting like. I really don't buy that you're that kind of guy. And if you are, why do you want to hang out with me?"

"So, you say, it's not ok to be gay, well I think you're just evil."

"Big girls you are beautiful."

"I don't think I can stand to be where you don't see me."

"Well, I don't want to eat the rich, I'd have to eat my hero's first."

"Some people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes."

"Closer to me baby I won't bite. You look so tasty, but I won't bite."

"I'll call you when the party's over."

"Don't let them fuck you honey, no, don't let them try."

"I'm the worst mistake your god has ever made."

"Mommy why do I feel sad? Should I give him away or feel this bad? No, don't you choke, Daddy chimed in go for the throat."

"Everything was so sweet, until you tried to kill me."

"My strait jackets custom made though!"

"Careful with me I'm volatile. Carful with me, I'm homicidal."

"Baby can you meet me tonight in detention? I can feel your blood pressure ride, fuck this tension."

"Blood still stains when the sheets are wash."

"All the good girls go to hell."

"Look at you, needing me. You know I'm not your friend without some greenery."

"You best promise to love me, and damn it you fuck me- over I will rip your fucking face apart!"

"Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well."

"Show and tell, I'm on display for all you fuckers to see!"

"Why is it so hard to see, if I cut myself, I would bleed?"

"You are my strange addiction."

"I love everything you do, when you call me fucking dumb for the stupid shit I do."

"Caught the teacher giving his eyes to a student. Pouty, pretty cute and she bit her lip back to him."

"Teacher's pet, if I'm so special why am I secret?"

"Please don't try to kiss me on the sidewalk on your cigarette break!"

"I'm not afraid anymore, what make you sure you're all I need? Forget about it!"

Might do a second part later lol, I listen to a lot of music, and this is kidna calming to make.

#writing #wrting prompts #music prompts #angst #angst prompts #fluff #fluff promts #smut #smut prompts

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videostak · 10 months

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so sick of having my entire life being dictated by having to accommodate for other ppl who then go to shit on my life even more. like having to watch the doors anytime my dad is in the house having my mom keep every1 up thru out the night and acting oblivious to how someones sleep schedule is affected by the sounds of food being made in a microwave at 12 am or hearing 2hour long drunken phone calls from her room to the hallway to the bathroom to the kitchen etc and having in general let ppl know beforehand what i have planned for a day just so they can reveal that they were never even listening to what i told them or just straight up did not care and do their own random impuse thing that i then have to build my schedule around . like fuuuuuck you. only word on the tip of my tongue atm. genuinely no reason to try to be cooperative or understanding if they dont even ATTEMPT to do the same. i mean atleast i get to sleep in but thats only after they come back at like 1 or 2am. and forget abt me my sister literally works at 10 2mrw and has to get up early to get ready and my mom just shat on that despite my sister telling her immediately she brought up the idea of going somewhere for drinks. i feel so sorry for my cousin who like tries her hardest to be nice or like a inbetween ground just to have my mom creepily vent to her and overall make her feel extremely uncomfortable telling her rly in depth stories and secrets abt ppl who told my mom personal stuff in confidence not thinking my mom would immediately tell absolutely any1 the moment she felt the need to have a conversation. am p sure shes drunk rn cause she sounded very drunk and is just being v loud rn so like im sure she got drunk and then wanted to go to a bar to drink more and not have to worry abt getting caught. :| i mean idk if shell take my sister to work tomorrow but if she is too fucked up too then i guess ill just have to take her. but rly just insanely annoying shit. she refuses to go to therapy or somewhere where u address being dependent on alcohol so i think the only real tangible solution atm is to just give my all to cleaning out her room and then just monitor her like a hospital patient constantly. for the foreseeable future. its hard cause she spends all her time in her room and gets mad when i try to clean it and then my dad gets mad at me when i dont clean it and then when i do clean it my dad gets mad that we dont have any space for half the shit in her room or if we do idk where it goes cause im not even a very good cleaner its just 99% of the stuff falls on me cause no one else does it consistently. so like i just go back and forth at them both giving me shit so fuck everything huh. not in an awful bleak mood but regardless things on both fronts are v bleak. guess im not in an awful mood cause worst case scenario tomorrow i drive my sister to work which gives me more chance to drive and im rly rly looking forward to practicing in my actual manual car... cause its so pretty. so like im not at the end of my rope quite yet and dont think things will get super bleak. worst thing is me losing my job but dont think thats gonna happen quite about yet. and if it does ill atleast have the ability to drive places. so i cant say i didnt grow in some way

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curiositykilledtheradiostar · 2 years

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I saw Multiverse Of Madness today. I want to preface this with the fact that it is a good movie, and I did, mostly, enjoy it. I also want to preface this with the fact that I am a, currently furious and raging and NOT in a horny way (save Captain Carter hot DAMN but not my point), pansexual, not some "ally" trying to preach and start trouble. I also am by no means some expert you should take seriously. I am simply queer, a person with braincells and a critical eye when I want to, and very angry.

America Chavez makes me absolutely furious. Not at her, I love her character so much, but at Marvel. I didn't know she was going to be queer walking in, probably cause I wasn't following franchise news. But I saw that little button on her jacket and I practically lit up. I was so fucking happy to finally get queer rep. To finally get to see myself in the franchise I loved.

And I was wrong. Not only was I dissapointed, but as I sat there with that movie in the credits and the ride home, I crumbled and cracked as it hit me that I got nothing but a hollow fucking shell of a rep. A button on a jacket. That's it. The only tiny piece of myself I get to see, and its a fucking garnish, an afterthought. Even less than a "token gay". I got queerbaited to the bottom of the fucking ocean to drown, played like a cheap kazoo.

How could they. I didn't even know she was a lesbian until I went looking to see if anyone else was as outraged by this as I was. And what I found was articles fucking praising the boldness of the move to add that tiny little pin, spinning tales of empowerment. I didn't even know if she was supposed to lesbian or bisexual or trans, how was I supposed to? And yes, it makes a fucking difference. I never would've known that she was LGBTQ+ at all if it weren't for that little pin.

It hurts. I feel awful. Do not get me started on the fact that her two moms were killed off within .5 seconds of appearing on screen. The worst part is that Marvel is being applauded for this shit. This is not "representation." This is an afterthought. This is them trying to earn some fucking brownie points at the last goddamn minute. My identity is not a fucking pin to put on your jacket and leave at that. My story is not reduced to only stripes on a flag that you can use to tell it. I am bigger and I am more and we all are and queer fictional characters should be too.

Would it have been so hard? For her to offhandedly say Stephen had good taste? For Captain Carter or Captian Marvel to walk in and her to trip over her own feet? To have her mention an old crush, maybe someone who got hurt and she had to leave behind? To even show her with a girl at the end? To at least follow through on the promise that pin made me, that I got to see myself on the big screen?

Maybe I wouldn't be so mad if it wasn't Marvel, if I didn't care this much about it. Maybe if it wasn't Disney, with a history of pulling bullshit like this and more. Maybe I'm overreacting.

But do not tell me I shouldn't "expect so much" of queer characters and their writing, or "not everything has to be about gayness, they need a narrative too." The Mitchells vs The Machines (2021) had a queer main character in the same subtext as America was. But Katie Mitchell also had a girl she liked, and she was looking for community of people like her, and had her own journey of self discovery shown, and she resonated with a large LGBTQ+ crowd because of that and more. And that wasn't even Katie's main narrative. It's not impossible or some unattainable standard. It's writing a queer character for queer people, instead of pushing her into a hetero-conformative box or shoving just her aside.

Marvel is multi-million dollar franchise. They could do it if they wanted to, if they tried. But they don't, and they didn't, and THAT is my problem.

I am not your brownie point. I am not a gold star to earn on your assignment. I am not a pin to put on your fucking jacket. Stop treating us like it.

#Jewel rambles #Doctor strange #america chavez #Queerbaiting #Multiverse of madness #In conclusion: FUCK MARVEL FOR THAT #Doctor strange MoM #DOctor strange 2 #doctor strange multiverse of madness #fuck disney

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crayondinos · 19 days

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okay so i just kinda want to word vomit/rant a little and the only person who would be okay with that is like SUPER busy rn now so i don't want to bother them

i've been volunteering for the parks system the next county over and it has been awesome! i haven't told any of the people about the jw stuff and my mom hasn't joined me so they all just know me as an awkward homeschooled kid! i'm terrified of mom or dad telling them about being jehovah's witnesses and ruining what i have going. this is my only connection to the outside world since none of my job applications have gone anywhere and if i lose it...

speaking of the job stuff, i got told that the parks director might want to hire me!!!! most of the jobs available want you to have a drivers license and i'm waiting to get mine till i turn 18 (only 4 months till then btw) so we don't have to pay for classes cause its like 500 dollars.

i have a part tonight. i'm sick of this. i wasted several hours of my life working on it. the worst thing is, well the two worst things ig are 1: i am really proud of how good it is and 2: i'm looking forward to maybe being told that i did good. the last talk i did the chairman said i did 'incredible'. he said it from the stage and i really liked it. i hate that i liked it.

i hate all i have to do to keep up the appearance of being a good jehovah's witness. i hate doing service three to four times a week and doing my bible reading -actually i kind of enjoy the studying but i hate that i have to do it to avoid suspicion- and i hate having to be "neutral" and i hate having to pretend to agree with everyone's political views despite the fact that we are supposed to stay neutral! LIKE NO MR. BROTHER MAN I DONT GIVE A SINGULAR SHIT ABOUT WHOS IN OFFICE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IM NOT FREAKING SUPPOSED TO!!!!!!! i hate that i seem to be the only one acting the way jehovah's witnesses are supposed to when i don't even believe this stuff.

there was a bible study, we'll call them R, who started coming to the congregation my family goes to and mom got really attached to them. then R blocked the person studying with them, my mom and numerous other people. I never got their phone number. R stopped their study. my mom cried alot about it. i had to pretend to be sad but in reality i was so freaking happy. they had just graduated high school and they had short cut purple hair and lots of ear piercings and they did marching band. they gave such gay vibes but i have no idea if they are. we ran into R at the grocery store after the meeting a few weeks ago and they were polite as was mom. mom avoided saying anything about the meeting to make us seem more approachable i guess? thats how she explained it later to me in the car. mom waited until we had walked far enough away and then hugged me, hard, when she pulled away her eyes were wet and i felt like a piece of shit for not caring about what had upset her.

i have a car, my aunt moved across the world to be a need-greater and she gave it to me. i'm paying her back by selling some stuff for her.

i don't like myself. i inherited both my parents anger. i feels like the anger twisted together to create a person whose muscle fibers and bones are made solely from hatred, hatred for others, hatred for myself, hatred for life and for death. hatred for almost everything. i don't want to be shunned by my family. i love my family just as much as i hate them. they are everything to me but i can't live in this awful religion forever. i can't serve a god i despise for my whole life. i can't tell people they will see the people they love alive again when i don't believe it. i can't pretend to agree with the hatred this organization is practically weaved with. im so fucking scared. i'm scared of my family hating me, of my mom, dad, little sisters and little brother not talking to me again. i know my dads not going to live for more then a decade. he has so many health problems. i hate that at his funeral i most likely will not be able to talk to anyone, i know that i will be disfellowshipped once i leave. i'm queer and planning on committing so much "serious sin" and i'm not going to be sorry, not one fucking bit.

i would kms if i wasn't such a coward

#rant post #ex jw #pimo #tw vent

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paintedpineleaf · 2 months

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jesus fuck it feels so fucking weird i hate loving people but i love it but i hate it so much also what the fuck. i don't love them like. romantically. just like platonically. it's way too much tho. i feel like i have way too many issues or something. like somehow the mere action of me loving them is gonna fuck them up.

anyway i was about to fucking tell them everything. mostly cause its late but like what the fuck. it's way too fucking much they'd like block me if i told them any of that. imagine seeing someone as a normal person then like. they just tell you all this fucking shit now it's like you have to walk on eggshells around them. it wouldn't be worth it i dont want them to walk on eggshells around me.

'oh yeah i'm so fucking sensitive and such a prissy that my mom yelled at my sister and i got so fucking overwhelmed my brain shut down and i had to go to my room lock the door and curl up on the floor in the dark to feel better' why the fuck do i even want to tell them that it's fucking stupid oh i fucking feel safe around them they make me happy bla bla bla shut the fuck up i can't fucking afford that what is wrong with me.

'go write in your journal' yeah i actually can't cause when i was 11-14 i used to keep a journal/diary and i'd write every detail of my day and my feelings in them then my mom found them and found that i'd wrote that i wanted to die or kill myself and how i'd commit suicide if it wasn't haram and she got so fucking mad and slapped me and that was the day i stopped writing anything down and to this day i'm so fucking paranoid i keep thinking my parents pay people to be friends with me over the internet so they'd know shit about me and my life and my feelings and i can't trust literally anyone even after i've met them and given them presents and baked them cookies. i try not to talk to myself out loud cause when my sister does it they stand outside her door and listen and i'm fucking terrified they'd do it to me too if they heard me talking to myself.

i try not to let the emotions of those around me affect me but i'm so fucking sensitive i can't fucking help it anytime anyone's slightly upset i get so up in my head over it and start feeling fucking horrible and have to distract myself by doing other things and forcing myself to smile so i don't feel so fucking awful.

i just turned around cause i thought it was way too quiet and thought maybe a parent was standing behind me watching my type all this and was about to kill me. not literally. i'm sitting in my room. with the door closed. that i would hear if it opened. the door's on my side, not behind me.

boo fucking hoo my life is so fucking awful because i get up in my head about everything and constantly feel fucking sorry for myself like a fucking crybaby. anyway this is a good song i love it it's making me feel happy emotions i'm done feeling weird.

i have to go to sleep, the weird feelings are probably caused by how late it is i love this song it's so fun omg

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winderlylandchime · 5 months

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1/2 and 5x07: Just so you know. He put the third cd into the dvd player, realized there’s only 2 cds left and started screaming ‘no no noooo’ so we’re doing fine: ‘okay…fix *waves his hand around* everything that happened’ ‘BRIAN! Look at him being all pretty and shit. His name is brandon? *scoffs* lame’ Ben says Mikey still has a healthy baby daughter ‘bro what the fuck? Bro you ignored Hunter for half a season cause of that baby’ ‘why am i deprived of Brian and Emmett? They’d make an amazing duo and they are robbing me of it!’ ‘Since when do we get along with Lindsay’s mom? I thought we all agreed together that she was a bitch?’ And we are at the diner when they read about Prop 14 ‘we’re going political AGAIN? Hold up, i cant focus on two things right now. Since when are Blondie and Mike working together all the time? When did that happen? Okay now back to politics. (Justin mentions prop 14 ruining everything for ben and mikey) why is he suddenly so obsessed with them? Why the fuck are both of them so obsessed with Brian and marriage now? What the fuck is happening?’ The scene after ted has his fuck marathon is on and he imagines Em and Brian ‘SEE! THEY WOULD MAKE A PERFECT DUO! They can still make up to me for all the BS by giving me them’ AND WE ARE OFFICIALLY AT THE WORST SCENE ‘AH Blondie!! Come on Blondie, get that stick out of your ass and well I’m not gonna finish that sentence but it involves Bri Bri. *he literally kicks his feet in the air* did you see Brian’s smile when he saw Justin laying in their apartment on their couch! That is a man in love, he just has to say it! (Flashback to pilot happens) OH MY GOD!! THE PILOT! Brian is having flashbacks to their first night and now theyre living together! AW HE MISSED HIM AT THE CLUB! Why does Justin sound so bored about the club’s success? He literally helped him start it? He was thinking? Oh god no. (Justin says he made some decisions)..okay, what do you want Blondie? Because you’ve been confusing both of us for like 7 episodes now. *pauses tv* Where in the fuck was Brian making fun of him? What? He literally has been hyping up his career since the beginning? *starts ep again but he is stressed with his hand in his hair* he’s making you nervous? Bitch, he’s making ME nervous too! Whats going on? Okay but he changes his fucking mind like every other scene. (justin says to be a couple you gotta want the same things) i thought they did want the same things? *looks at me all sad* why does this sound like a break up? (Justin says why are they still doing this if its not gonna work) cause of me! What the fuck is going on?! BRIAN LOOKS SAD! HE ALREADY PACKED?! HE ALREADY DECIDED TO LEAVE BEFORE THEY TALK?! Brian stop him please! Tell him you love him! (Justin hugs Brian) *said very softly* don’t. Brian looks heartbroken. Of course he still cares where he’s gonna go. (justin leaves the loft) whoever wrote this, i hope they have explosive diarrhea.’ He then paused the episode and went outside to smoke. *walks in with his hair all over the place and stressed* ‘they just got back together! They went through cancer together! They moved in together! And now they’re ripped apart again?! What the fuck is this shit? Whats going on in this fuck ass season? Wait a second i need to do something’ *goes to his room and changes his shirt from the justin shirt to a brian shirt and then comes back without saying a word and plays ep and it shows Lindsays dad* ‘man, fuck you too’ And Justin is now with Deb/Em ‘i agree with Deb. But also clearly Blondie made up his mind so obviously Bri Bri would not stop him. Didnt expect? Bro you packed up your things before you even talked to him! WHY ARE THEY ALL PRETENDING LIKE THEY DONT KNOW BRIAN LOVES HIM?!’

Deb says how could he do that to justin and he pauses tv ‘DO WHAT?! I mean sure he’s been acting very….pilot-y but GAY RIGHTS *lifts his cast up in attempt to make a fist* but also gay wrongs. Besides he even said Blondie was making him nervous! Blondie is the one who keeps changing his fucking mind, i mean come on?! Marriage? Kids? HOUSE?! At 20? *plays ep* (Justin defends Brian..) you tell them! But dont move on. I don’t want that to happen, it can’t! I decided they end up happy together. *actually shouts it* HES STAYING WITH BEN AND MICHAEL?! OH ISNT THAT FUCKING RICH. You know what? I preferred when they hated each other. (justin says even tho he will miss Brian this will be good for him, right?) no. Absolutely not. It also won’t be good for me. I think we are all forgetting about me!’

Ben says Mikey still has a healthy baby daughter ‘bro what the fuck? Bro you ignored Hunter for half a season cause of that baby’ And let's not skip over the "healthy" bit. Sorry a sick kid wasn't enough for you.

why am i deprived of Brian and Emmett? They’d make an amazing duo and they are robbing me of it! Welcome to the Cult of KinneyCutt Brother Anon, it's lovely here.

*said very softly* don’t. Brian looks heartbroken. Of course he still cares where he’s gonna go.

I am so sorry Anon and Brother Anon. We all knew this was going to happen and we let you watch it and now your heart is broken and it's only a rollercoaster from here on out.

whoever wrote this, i hope they have explosive diarrhea. I can't imagine what he's going to wish on the writers at 513, I really don't.

This "they just got back together! They went through cancer together! They moved in together! And now they’re ripped apart again?! What the fuck is this shit? Whats going on in this fuck ass season?" and This "I mean sure he’s been acting very….pilot-y but GAY RIGHTS *lifts his cast up in attempt to make a fist* but also gay wrongs. Besides he even said Blondie was making him nervous! Blondie is the one who keeps changing his fucking mind, i mean come on?! Marriage? Kids? HOUSE?! At 20?" Is the best summary of what's wrong with S5. Brian regresses to S1 Brian and Justin regresses to S1 Justin and all growth is completely erased.

I appreciated that he changed shirts. Respect.

I think the S2 break up is entirely necessary for the characters to grow and their development arc. S5 comes out of left field within the context of the entire show.

#ask winderlylandchime #dear sweet anon #queer as folk #a straight man watches qaf us 2000 in the year of our lord 2023

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girltomboy · 8 months

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At last the sun has reached the 13th degree, conjunct Mercury retrograde, and is illuminating my Ascendant, along with my other angles, and the moon in Gemini squared Saturn today. So today tested me on all fronts tbh, my bf was acting weird this morning when he called me. And kept making ironic remarks that I honestly didn't appreciate because I had just woken up. And jokingly complaining about stuff. Then mom texted me asking "Don't you miss me at all? :(" because I neglected to text her back yesterday, but my excuse is that I literally didn't do anything new. And I'm tired of just telling her that I'm fine and that the weather is getting colder, over and over. But maybe she isn't, and she really just needs to know. I know she feels alone and misses me and grandma, and I really did feel bad for being silent. Then my manager finally confronted me about all the tasks I've been putting off, asking me if everything is okay and if there's anything she can help me with. And I broke down because I'd really been so careless and avoidant with my work, but the truth is that the thought of having to call my customers back has been causing me some really terrible anxiety, especially with the avalanche of errors and badly-checked situations we've been having. But I've also been postponing some pretty simple and innocent stuff, so I don't think any of my excuses are valid. The worst part of it all is that I really did not have any reason to be avoidant and fearful, but now she thinks I'm going through something. And it's just anxiety. I worried her for nothing. I just was honest with her, apologized, and told her I'll try to deal with all of them asap. Which I did, I spent my day going through the list of unfinished tasks and checked/closed as many as I could. My manager was super understanding, she was mainly worried about me, told me to take it easy and told me she gets exactly where I'm coming from. I felt awful for having been so irresponsible and had a full blown panic attack while texting her. I've also been reevaluating my overall lifestyle and concluded that I've been living like shit and I need a reset. Like my entire apartment is messy, my diet is in shambles, my work is... well, I've just been neglectful in most aspects of my life is basically the idea. I wanted to go to the office after work to pick up a book I borrowed, but the site said it was still on its way, even though the delivery date was today. So I'm probably gonna save that for tomorrow, and rn I think I just need a nap because I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted and drained. And after I get some rest and wake up, I'm gonna go grocery shopping.

#still contemplating whether to even tell my bf what happened #i hope i can pick myself up #🙏#i still feel bad and ashamed but there's no point in beating myself up #i'm already dealing with the consequences of my own choices so idk what else is there

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keepthesethoughtsinsideyou · 1 year

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2/25/2023

So this is probably an awful idea. But when you were getting married and then having your honeymoon, i wrote letters to you. that i didnt send to you. i think i only had 3 or 4 days worth of them. But I have no clue when i will ever speak to you again. And like, speak speak. Not some short text. I'm very torn on everything. my heart, is shattered. truly. But you know. At least I have to think you know. Maybe you have like, been able to trick yourself into thinking i never cared. or idk. i just dont know Courtney. I am sorry that i felt this was planned. you did admit it was, after comparing me to Chad first of course. But planned in that, yo. i cant take this. its fair and justified. Maybe the Chad comparison was fair too. idfk. It also makes me hate myself more than I ever thought I could. i have been crying so much today that i have no concept of time. I am glad that at least you have had a wonderful Saturday. Out of town with a friend. Seeing a hopefully enjoyable movie. I was left to morn my dead Dad and now the most important relationship ive ever had. idk if youll ever read or see any of these. And christ i dont want to come off bitter or angry. or anything. I know that i hurt you already. fuck. i hurt you so much that you were like, peace dude. im just, shocked? i dont get how we are video chatting and opening gifts and i bought a hotel for us. To meet up in a crazy thing where I had no plan as to HOW things were gonna work. But my love and need to see you bypassed any real worries. It's crazy how this relationship brought that out of me. I think looking back at things, I was still a bit of a stick in the mud comparably. But you definitely brought something out of me that was crazy and off the cuff. I liked it. I wish i could save things. I wish this was like that early time when you broke things off and then like 2 days later came back and said you couldnt be without me. I'm not religious but I am hoping there are some sort of synchronicities or coincidences that send you back to me. I didnt expect you to not break up with me just because it was my dead father''s birthday. That would be manipulative. You broke up with me just the other day and I cant even tell you WHY. I remember alot of you telling me how YOU had negatively effected my life. And i deserved better and whatever. But i just wanted you. I told my mom that I have never loved someone like i loved you, and I never will again. I didnt know I was capable of love like this. I wont ever find it again. This message sucks cause its all over the place and im not making much sense or keeping a consistent tone. the barbed comments I would make. Back handed shit. god, they are all i can fucking think about. I cant imagine how differently things wouldve been if you hadnt immediately started having sex with new people. my brain just cant Courtney. How can you love me, want a future with me, want children, a home. But then as soon as you are single, its not me. Its not me at all. It's someone else. It really fucked with my head. And honestly, i just think I am a square. I have never hooked up with anyone in my life. I have only had sex with people I had relationships with. And the concept of sex outside of that is not only unappealing to me, but kind of grosses me out. Thats for me. I get people are into their own things and I dont judge. But being faced by someone who can say all this lovey dovey bs to me, and go fuck another man. And theres no connection? its just sex? whats the big deal? well, thats where my brain goes insane. I've never felt good enough or worthy of you. And for you to immediately shack up with someone NOT me while saying different things to me, it really fed into that insecurity. But thats me right? its MY insecurity. So who would you be to respect or acknowledge that. You are a young single woman who can finally go out and experiment and find yourself. Neither me or anyone else should stand in your way of that. But god dammit did it break my heart. And your ability to seemingly never think of me and my feelings just solidified mentally that i was not good enough. i was not worthy. and maybe worst of all, I was not your first choice. i lashed out with my words. my tone. things i said. how i said that. ugh. i wish...i wish i couldve just been your supportive friend. YASSS QUEEN! GO EAT SOME PUSSY! there are moments when i can be cool. But the uncool version of me surfaced his ugly head far more often as more of your experimentation took off. It just blows because, this only got bad once this started. Prior to that, i feel like things were wonderful. But i am probably sugarcoating things post mortem. i regret ever telling you i had bipolar disorder. i regret ever telling you about my anxiety disorder. Because in breaking up with me, they were both brought up. Negative is negative though. Just sucks feeling like you arent good enough from the get go and then being made to feel like you are broken and needing fixing. I dont know alot of people who would be okay with the love of their life fucking other people. Especially when that same person has told you they want you over anyone. But then when you try to plan a future together, those conversations go nowhere. So idk. Too much too soon I guess. I know that no matter what negative things i may think of the situation, I know I am at fault. I couldnt handle the pressure of being with a poly person. And I especially couldnt handle it when it seemed like the plans to experiment and have sex with other people superseded our plans that we talked about of a future together. But as i said, I know i am wrong. I am the villain. I think of some of the things i said to you in the days following you telling me Andi was coming there to get a hotel so you 2 could fuck. And christ. my tone. the meanness. i know i can change. i know it. maybe you'll change too? But maybe some of your negative qualities will change in your period of experimenting. who knows? all i know is each hour that passes and I cant talk to you breaks my soul. as much as I am sure you would prefer me checking my insurance to see if i could get therapy and medicated, i am afraid i am looking into seeing if it will cover me committing myself. Because I am genuinely unsure how i can go on. All i can think about is taking a bunch of Ativan and walking out into the woods and falling asleep and never waking up. Which in my present state I can realize is not good. The issue is, between the hotel i JUST bought us Thursday, and the hotel I bought us for your visit here in April, that's over $900 i charged that's non refundable. If I commit myself, I will lose my job. Outside of hotel money, i am just in debt in general too. So i feel so fucking stuck. None of this matters though. I just want you back. I don't care about money. I don't care about who else you have sex with. i just want my angel back. i can and will change. And I am TERRIFIED because per you, you are a serial monogamous relationship person. I want to change so you will love me again. I want to change so you can feel comfortable with your heart with me. But what if it takes to long? And you're already on to the next one? idfk. But my soul is crushed and i feel like giving up. I'm back to where I was before we met. The difference is now i have the pain and grief of losing my cosmic lover. My partner the universe brought into my life. How does one cope with such a loss? How does one live knowing they lost a love that was unlike anything they've ever experienced. I don't know. i do not want to live a life without you in it.

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cryonme · 3 years

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𝐈 𝐖𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐚 𝐁𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬 𝐕

PART FIVE- “Just Because They’re Not Here Doesn’t Mean They Stopped Being Wonderful.”

part one here

part two here

part three here

part four here

short series- jj maybank x kook!reader

word count- 4.3k

tw- guns, knives, mentions of weed, stabbing, swearing, mentions of death, fluff 😊, angst 👿, mentions of murder, fighting, drinking, mentions of stitches and hospitals. lmk if I missed anything

a/n- don’t u all love how I said this was gonna be a “short” series and now we’re at 19.2k words total and five parts? and not even done yet? lol. anyway, this chapter is a fucking rollercoaster of emotions and shit gets really real really fast so hold onto your hats, grab some popcorn, and happy reading!

✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼　 ҉ 　✼

“Wait, what the fuck?”

Your friends all stared at you with wide eyes, mouths agape. JJ’s grip tightened on your thigh, you winced a little but he didn’t let up, which you were glad he didn’t.

“Wait, your mom is dead?” John B asked, earning a smack on the back of the head from Sarah.

“You had a sister?!” Pope explained, confusion plastered on his face. “I thought that was just a ru- OW!” A smack from Kiara.

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes. “Yeah.”

“You think you know a person then all of the sudden she has a dead mom and sister who were killed by her step brother that you didn’t know about.” John B said, a hint of humor in his voice.

“This isn’t funny, John B.” Sarah scolded.

“It’s fine, Sarah.” You assured your friend. “Look, I know I’m a shit friend for not telling you guys things about my life. Tyler, the abortion, my mom and sister. And I’ll work on getting better at it but all of that isn’t important right now, okay?” You looked between John B and Pope, waiting expectedly before they both nodded and backed off.

“What makes you say that, (Y/n)?” Kie asked you, fully turning her attention to you.

“Well when- um, when Tyler showed up at my house that day,” You swallowed your fear, sitting up straight and taking a deep breath. “When Tyler showed up at my house that day, he said ‘I did everything I could to get my mom to marry your dad. My mom doesn’t know, but what she doesn’t know won’t kill her, and now you’re ruining everything with your fat fucking mouth.’”

The room was silent. Nobody really knew what to make out of all of this, all this time you had come off so unbothered, like your life was picture perfect and there was never a dark cloud in your sky. Everything that had happened the past couple of weeks came out of nowhere for the group of friends, especially JJ, John B and Pope, who didn’t even know you had a step brother. But when the three thought back on it, they never really asked.

After about a minute of everyone sitting in shock, Sarah spoke up, “Well, we need to tell your dad and Christine, right?’

You shook your head, “Not until I have enough proof. The entire island’s eyes are on me right now and if I’m wrong I make a fool of myself. I know this is gonna sound really stupid but, I need to find Tyler.”

“No.” JJ protested, his voice sharp.

“You’re right, (Y/n). That does sound stupid.” Pope agreed.

“Super stupid.” John B chimed in.

“I love you, but I have never heard more stupid words leave your mouth.” Kiara said.

“Guys, maybe hear her out.” Sarah said.

Kie whipped her head to the side, looking at the blonde girl in bewilderment. “Seriously? I’m not listening to you when all you seem to do is put (Y/n) in more danger.”

“I didn’t mean to! I didn’t know what the fuck to do!” “You tell someone, dumbass!”

“Jesus, you two! Shut the fuck up!” You interjected, standing up and stomping your foot, ignoring the shooting pain going up your leg.

“I came here because I need help, not to sit here and be judged and have you two fight with each other. Kie, lay off. I begged Sarah not to say anything until I was ready, and promised not to go home until I said something, okay? And you two.” You gestured to John B and Pope, “Telling me I’m stupid for something that I haven’t even explained yet is a little premature. Can we all fucking focus?” You had your time to cry and allow yourself to be broken, but now it was time to get shit done.

Kie shrunk in her seat, muttering a half assed “Sorry” under her breath and crossing her arms. John B and Pope nodded, both boys looking down at their shoes. You sat back down and JJ’s hand returned to its rightful spot on your thigh.

“Now, just, listen to me for a second. We,” You put the emphasis on that word so everyone would be a little bit more open to the idea, “Need to find Tyler so we can somehow record a confession from him. I’ll rile him up, and once I get the confession we get the fuck out. Got it?”

“How the fuck are you gonna find him? Even the Sheriff's department can’t find him.” Sarah said.

“Right,” You responded, “First thing to consider, the police are incompetent, especially here. They probably looked at my house and his job before giving up.”

JJ chuckled, shaking his head as he listened to you talk in awe.

“Second thing to consider, I have his number. I can ask him to meet up and talk it out.”

“The more you talk, the more I really don’t like this plan.” JJ muttered, raking his fingers through his hair.

“The more you talk, the more I wanna kick your teeth in.” You smiled sweetly, “This is the only way.” You tried pulling a joke, but JJ’s face remained concerned, so your face fell and you leaned into him. “I’ll be okay, JJ. I’ve been dealing with Tyler for years, okay?”

JJ nodded, taking a deep breath before pulling away from you.

“So what can we do?”

“Wherever I meet up with Tyler, I need you all to be on standby. Someone on lookout, someone hiding near me just in case things go south, and someone waiting in the vam.”

Everyone agreed in unison, nodding their heads. “Anything we can to get this asshole put away.” John B said, giving you an encouraging smile.

After going over a few details, and finally sending the text to Tyler that you wanted to meet up, the pogues dispersed around the chateau. Pope was talking Sarah’s ear off about the latest book he had just finished while she politely listened and even threw in a couple of her own thoughts, John B and Kie playfully jabbed long sticks at each other, and JJ stood on the porch, watching you swing by yourself on the hammock, lost in thought. He was trying to decide if he should approach you, or give you space. Just then you turned your head and made eye contact with the blond boy, a soft smile on your face, your signature red lipstick back where it belongs.

Fuck space.

He bounded down the stairs and made his way over to you on the hammock, plopping down next to you. Neither of you said anything for a couple minutes, there wasn’t much to say.

“I was 14.” You said, breaking the silence, causing JJ’s head to turn towards you. He stayed silent as you continued.

“Hit and run.” You laughed bitterly. “My little sister was 12. We were finally getting to the point where we didn’t fight everyday, we were becoming friends. She had just started asking me for advice about boys and was always asking to have sleepovers.” You smiled, remembering your little sister fondly. “It still hurts. It’ll always hurt, I think. But, I’ve learned I can’t change what happened, and I try to be thankful for the time I had with her. I would say she probably wouldn’t want me to be sad, but that’s not true, she loved attention.” JJ laughed with you this time.

“What’s her name?” JJ asked.

“Layla.” You responded, her name feeling weird on your tongue. You hadn’t said her name in years. “And my mom, gosh there was no one like my mom.” JJ wasn’t asking, but you were telling.

“She just always understood, you know? She’d let me stay home if my mind was taking over, she continued to buy the ice cream I told her was my favorite when I was 7, I didn’t have the heart to tell her I didn’t like it anymore.” You frowned, staring at your hands. “Christine is great, I love her with everything in me. But sometimes I wish she was in my life under different circumstances.”

JJ nodded in understanding, taking his hand in yours and pressing a lingering kiss to it. “They sound wonderful.”

“They are- were.”

JJ shook his head, “Just because they’re not here doesn’t mean they stopped being wonderful.”

You yanked JJ’s hand so his arm wrapped around your shoulder and you leaned into him, earning a sweet kiss on the top of your head.

“You’re sweet, princess.” You teased, using the nickname that you would use when the two of you fought.

“Tell anyone and you’re dead meat, baby.”

You laughed, resting your head on his chest. “What changed your mind about me?” You asked, biting your bottom lip.

JJ thought for a moment, mulling over his words to avoid saying the wrong thing.

“I never changed my mind.”

Your heart dropped as you began to pull away, feeling embarrassed.

“Uh uh uh, let me finish.” JJ pulled you back against him and you huffed. “I never changed my mind because I’ve felt this way about you all along. I’ve never had such strong feelings for a person before, so when you came along I mistook all of the signs as hatred. My mom left and my dad…” JJ trailed off for a moment, trying to put together his words in the least concerning way possible, “My dad takes his anger out on me. And I just never really learned how to receive love, or how to understand it.”

Your heart sank at JJ’s words. All those times he’d show up to the Chateau with bruises and scrapes, telling everyone to fuck off instead of boasting about how he “totally kicked that kooks ass”, it was his dad.

“JJ-”

“Mmm, let’s not do that now, yeah? Just know I’ve adored you this whole time, I was just too stupid to see it.”

“When did you change your mind about me?” JJ asked.

You pondered for a moment, thinking back on when you first started thinking of JJ differently.

“That night at the Boneyard, when Tyler showed up. I was dancing with Pope and all I could think was, ‘I need JJ’, and then there you were. I didn’t want you to ever leave my side again. When you took me back to the Chateau and sat me down on the couch, I was confused because I felt so safe and loved, more than I ever have. It was so out of the blue. Hours before we had just been screaming at each other and then I never wanted you to let me go.”

“You’re making this really hard, Red.” JJ huffed, running a hand over his face.

“What?” You asked craning your neck to look up at him.

“Not kissing you.”

You sat up from your position on his chest, turning your body so you were facing each other, your legs hanging off one side of the hammock and his off the other.

“Then kiss me.”

“(Y/n)...”

“What, scared?”

JJ didn’t say anything, he just looked at you. You had that striking red grin, and your eyes held that glint of mischief and joy.

“You were just inconsolable like, an hour ago.”

“But I’m not now.”

“I-”

“Please, JJ.” You pouted, your eyes big and your frown deep as you slowly reached for him.

And he couldn’t say no to that face.

He slowly brought his hand up to cradle the side of your neck, his thumb resting on your cheek as his face slowly leaned into yours, his hand softly pulling you closer by the neck. You brought one hand up to the back of his neck, burying your fingers in his hair as his other hand found its place on your waist. You stared at each other for a moment, noses barely touching. Your heart was beating so fast you felt like it was about to crawl out of your throat, the anticipation was driving you crazy but you were also cherishing every second of it, just being so close to him, knowing what’s about to happen.

His lips just barely brushed over yours and your entire body erupted in butterflies, goosebumps dancing all up and down your arms and legs.

“You fucker.” You teased and JJ giggled before fully planting his lips on yours. You felt like you had been on fire and had been dumped into an ice bath. The relief that covered your entire body and soul was something you had never felt before. You had kissed plenty of people in your lifetime, and nothing had ever compared to the feeling you had kissing JJ.

You pulled away for a moment to catch your breath, but JJ whined and pulled you back into him, bringing you to sit on his lap as he continued to kiss you. You both giggled and broke apart when you nearly toppled out of the hammock, JJ’s hands immediately steadying you. He looked up at you while stroking your cheekbone with his thumb before planting soft kisses to your arm, trailing his lips up to your shoulder, neck, cheek and finally one last sweet kiss on your lips.

“Well it’s about goddamn time!” John B yelled as the rest of the pogues whooped and hollered, jumping up and down. Both of you flipped off your friends and JJ kissed you once more, your middle fingers still in the air.

“You’re fucking incredible.” JJ muttered once you broke yet another kiss.

“I know.” You smirked.

Once JJ helped you off the hammock, with a lot of wincing and you telling him his kissing made your bruised lip hurt, you made your way back over to your friends, an unmistakable feeling of joy filling everyone’s hearts.

John B handed you and JJ a beer, which you had to decline because of your concussion, much to your dismay, but you gladly took the joint that Kie offered you, blowing out the smoke into JJ’s mouth before taking the hit for yourself. The sun started to set on the Chateau, so Pope and John B set up a fire and Kie brought out her ukulele, her and Sarah singing in harmony to Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole. Your heart swelled in your chest listening to JJ quietly singing along with his arm slung around your shoulders, his face was tinted the slightest shade of pink from being in the sun all day, making his eyes look impossibly more blue. You knew tomorrow brought troubles and anxiety, but you pushed them to the back of your mind, enjoying this beautiful moment with your friends. You rested your head on JJ’s shoulder, your hand coming up to hold his that was around your shoulder, placing a gentle kiss on his hand. JJ blushed and squeezed you just a little bit tighter.

“(Y/n), you staying the night?”

You smiled and nodded, your eyes a bit droopy from the weed. You had texted Christine already, telling her you were staying the night and assuring her that everyone was staying the night and you were safe.

“Yes!” Sarah exclaimed, getting up from her spot next to John B. “More beer?” Everyone apart from you nodded as Sarah made her way inside the house to grab more cold beer.

“Aw, well if it isn’t the goonies.”

That voice.

Tyler approached the Chateau, Topper, Kelce and Rafe hot on his heels.

Everyone stood up immediately, JJ pushed you behind him without a second thought.

“Heard my baby sister wanted to meet up tonight, thought I’d come to her, spare her the trouble.” Tyler said, shoving his hands in his pockets.

You were appreciative of JJ’s protectiveness over you, but this was your fight. “I know what you did, Tyler.” You said, trying your hardest to hide the shakiness in your voice as you pushed JJ out of your way, taking a couple steps forward.

“There she is!” Tyler exclaimed, gesturing his arms to you. “You don’t know shit, dumbass.”

“You killed my mom and sister.”

“Me?” Tyler raised a hand to his chest in shock and turned to his friends, who all shook their heads like you were crazy. “I would never do such a thing.” “You said-”

“Did you hit your head too hard the other day? Sounds to me like you’re making things up.”

He was trying to make you feel crazy, and you weren’t putting up with it.

“What was your plan, huh?” You asked, standing your ground. “Hit my mom and my little sister with your car, devastating my family so my dad could go running into your unknowing mother’s arms. Were you gonna kill all of us next so you could get the money? How exactly did you plan on doing that?”

Tyler’s chest was heaving up and down, sharp breaths coming in and out of his nose.

“Layla was 12 years old, you psychopath.”

“I never meant to kill your fucking sister!”

And there it was. Eerie silence fell over the Chateau like a heavy blanket.

“You motherfucker.” You shrieked, stomping forward and sending your hand flying across his cheek. Before you could even blink, Tyler had his hand around your throat and the barrel of a gun pressed to your jaw. Everything seemed to move in slow motion. You could see the pogues, Kiara with a hand over her mouth and tears in her eyes, hugging Sarah close to her, John B and Pope holding JJ back, his eyes wild with anger and fear. You could see Topper and Kelce with wide eyes, obviously unaware of the gun in your step brother's possession. You could see Rafe with a knowing grin on his face. Bastard.

You were terrified, panic surging through your body as you tried to stay still so you wouldn’t anger him with any sudden movements.

“Any of you even think about moving and I kill her!” He screamed.

“Tyler, put the gun down man, what the fuck?” Topper said, his voice calm, trying to talk him down.

“Fuck you!”

And suddenly Tyler was on the ground, the gun flying into the darkness. JJ wasted no time running to your step brother, grabbing him by his shirt collar and beating his face with his fists. You and Rafe made eye contact before both of you made a break for the gun, scrambling through the darkness. Rafe tackled you down and tried to reach for it, but you kneed him in the crotch, hoping to buy you a couple seconds. The Cameron boy groaned and held his area, toppling over and whining in a fetal position.

“Pussy boy.” You rolled your eyes and crawled toward the gun, smiling once it was in your grip before Rafe pulled you back by your ankle. You flipped over onto your back and pointed the gun at him.

“You don’t have the guts.”

“Self defense, bitch. Now get off of me.”

Rafe backed up with his hands in the air and you made your way back to the group, gun in hand, still pointed at Rafe. Tyler and JJ were going at it, both throwing punches and kicks, the rest of the group fighting off Topper and Kelce.

“Back off my friends or I'll shoot!” You yelled, and everyone stopped and turned to you with your gun pointed at Rafe. The three kooks backed off with their hands up in surrender.

“You won’t shoot me, Little Red.” Tyler said, walking closer to you.

“I will if you try anything.” You responded, taking the gun off of Rafe and shoving him forward so he was still in your eyesight, now pointing it at Tyler.

“You stay away from her!” JJ yelled, charging towards Tyler but quickly being held back by Rafe and Topper.

Tyler got so close to you that the gun was touching his t-shirt.

Why was he testing you? He had to have something up his sleeve.

The motherfucker literally had something up his sleeve.

Tyler tore a switchblade out of his jacket sleeve and jabbed it into your collarbone, and in the same second you fired the gun.

Your brain felt fuzzy, you couldn’t even feel the knife in your collarbone, the only way you knew it was there was because you could see it sticking out of the corner of your eye.

You heard screams, multiple screams.

Footsteps running away.

Was someone crying?

Were you crying?

Everyone ran to you, JJ leading the group, so he got to you first. He immediately put his hands on your face, frantically searching your eyes before you dropped to your knees, JJ following suit.

“Baby, look at me.” He said firmly. Someone gently took the gun from your hands, why were you still holding it? You brought your hand up to touch the knife, crying out in pain from the smallest touch.

“No, don’t touch it, okay? Leave it alone, paramedics are on their way okay?”

You still didn’t look at him, your eyes were wide as you stared at everyone around you, their faces full of concern.

“She’s in shock.” Pope stated. He was crouched in front of you, next to JJ. “Try to bring her back to reality.”

“How the fuck do I do that?” JJ snapped.

“Chill, JJ! Talk to her, touch her, anything!”

JJ’s left hand continued to cradle your face and you leaned into his touch as his right hand threaded through your hair. “You’re okay, okay? Can you talk to me?” His voice broke, tears beginning to fill his blue eyes.

Your eyes wandered away from the group and landed on Tyler’s body, lifeless. You let out a gasp as if all of the wind had been knocked out of your body.

“I killed him.” You rasped.

JJ quickly moved in front of the body, blocking your view of him. Your breathing was shallow as you brought your hands up to your neck, trying to claw at the skin to make way for you to breathe. Pope’s hands gently grabbed yours, moving them away from your neck and holding them in your lap. JJ gave him a thankful nod and he situated himself in front of you.

“Christine-” Your body flooded with guilt and sadness for your stepmom, that was her son. He may have done unspeakable things to you and her family but that was her son. And you killed him.

“Hey, hey, hey. Shhh,” JJ was quick to stop the terrible thought. “You had to, okay? She’ll understand. Just focus on me, baby.”

You nodded and squeezed Pope’s hands, focusing your eyes on JJ’s.

“You’re doing so good, pretty girl. Just a couple more minutes, okay?”

You nodded again. The pain in your collarbone was beginning to worsen as your shock wore off and you whimpered.

Great, you thought, another fucking injury to make my life even better.

Really your whole body hurt, your concussion and bruises worsening and stitches ripping open from Rafe tackling you to the ground.

“It hurts.” You whine, a single tear escaping from your eye, JJ wiped it before it could run down your face. “I know.” He whispered. “I know, my love, I’m so sorry.” He rested his forehead on yours, trying his best to give you as much comfort as he could without pulling you against him and driving the blade further in.

“Fuck, you guys. We didn’t get a recording.” Kie said, slapping her palm against her forehead. You removed one hand from Pope’s and worked through your pain and brought your phone out of your back pocket, tossing it on the ground, not having enough strength to hand it to her.

John B picked it up and smiled, your phone had been recording the entire time, starting just a minute after Tyler made himself known at the Chateau.

“(Y/n), you magnificent kook.” John B said, giving your arm a squeeze. You had moved your forehead to rest on JJ’s shoulder, your body posed awkwardly to avoid the knife being touched, one hand still in Pope’s.

Everyone was relieved, but the dead body in their presence and the knife in your body made it hard to be completely relieved. Once the paramedics and police arrived, JJ had to release you from his hold, watching the paramedics put you on the gurney and load you in the back of the ambulance, by yourself, for the second time.

Kiara and Pope were talking to the police, showing them the proof on your phone and the gun and walking them through everything that happened while JJ watched the ambulance drive away, as soon as it was out of sight he broke down, John B quick to pull his friend into his arms, Sarah gently leaned her head on his back, her hand coming up to stroke his back

“She doesn’t deserve any of this.” JJ cried, holding onto his best friend. He knew you were gonna be okay, the paramedics said the knife would be easy to remove and they could stitch up the wound easily, but he was worried about you. You would never be the same.

“She doesn’t.” John B agreed.

“I just want her to be okay.”

“I know, bubba, me too.” John B replied, his own tears brimming in his eyes, “She will be.”

JJ could feel Sarah shaking against him, her tears wetting his shirt and he unravelved in arm from John B to bring her into the hug. “Get in here, kook princess.” JJ teased through his tears. Pope and Kiara soon joined the group hug, comforting their friends through touch.

“What did Shoupe say?” JJ asked once they all pulled away, wiping at his tears.

“They said (Y/n)’s okay, a very obvious case of self defense, but they’re still going to ask her a couple questions once she’s of sound mind.” Pope answered and Kiara nodded.

“Thank God.” Sarah breathed out and JJ’s shoulders relaxed in relief, one less thing to worry about.

“Well why are we all just standing here?” John B asked after a couple moments of silence. “Let’s go see our girl.”

“I am still meeeeee you are still youuuuu” I couldn’t get that damn song out of my head while I was writing this

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caroldantops · 3 years

Text

note from silver: this was not written by me but my lovely 🔑 anon!!! I had zero involvement and am just posting on their behalf ❤❤❤❤❤❤ and i would just like to say omg. omg its very good. so all praise should be directed at them!! [but u can send my way and ill post so they can see :)]

nothing i do better than revenge.

pairing: natasha romanoff x fem!reader

w/c: 2.8k

***= time skip

cw: 18+, mentions of cheating, brat reader, mean natasha (comes with her own warning), mdlg, mommy kink, d/s themes, choking/breath play, impact play (face slapping & spanking), crying kink, face riding, strap on use, orgasm denial, degradation, pet names, implied legal age gap, strong language

you had long forgotten about the consequences of what you were about to do, because all you cared about was revenge. you knew they were cheating on you, with someone you didn’t even care to think about. but it didn’t matter right? you loved them, or you at least did. the only advantage you had right now was that they had no idea that you knew.

you approached their house and braced yourself for what was likely to happen. you weren’t there for them, no. their mother, natasha, was always incredibly sweet to you, arguably too sweet. but you could hardly say you cared. you felt the effects she had on you every time her eyes lingered on you, every time she was obviously making excuses to be close to you, to touch you, every time she called you “honey, angel, sweetheart” your heart sped up so quickly, it made you dizzy. you had known for a while how you felt about her, it was obvious. but naturally you pushed it away, of course you did. at least now, what you truly wanted makes for perfect revenge.

“hi sweetheart!” natasha said excitedly when she saw it was you at the door. walking through her house, you heard her call out “they’re not here, is that okay? you can wait for them if you want.” you attempted to resist her offer, but it was quickly followed with her worry and fear that something had happened.

“they cheated on me,” you finally admitted. natasha’s shoulders dropped as she let out a sigh. “i’m so sorry, honey. if there’s anything i can do-“ you quickly cut her off, trying to change the subject to anything but them. “it’s okay, honestly. i’m not even here for them.” natasha raised an eyebrow at you as she leaned against the kitchen counter, “oh? then who are you here for, sweetheart?” she responded, smirking at you. ”oh, i, uh-“ you started, struggling to explain. natasha walked over to you and grabbed your chin to look at her. “come on, y/n, tell me why you’re really here. i know you didn’t come all this way to talk.”

in all honesty, you didn’t know where to begin, but you knew there was no getting out of this, “i just noticed some things about you, things you do” you felt natasha smirk at you again. “oh yeah? and what do i do, sweetheart?” you let out a nervous laugh at what seemed to be her favourite pet name. “that, you call me things like that and you always stare at me- i just thought-“ you felt natasha move impossibly closer to you, “such a clever girl, aren’t you? did you figure that out all by yourself?” she chuckled at the way you responded, all flustered and blushed. something in you couldn’t stop ranting before it came out, when it did, it was too late to backtrack. “i just- i think about you a lot, i can’t stop actually. i can’t stop thinking about touching you and-“ the words came out so quickly, you could barely make sense of them. “so,” she began. “let me get this straight, you came all the way here in hopes that i’d fuck you?” you could try and deny it but you knew it was pointless. you knew exactly what you wanted and so did she.

“would it be so bad if i did? you asked so softly, you doubt she even heard. gripping your hips and pulling you into her, natasha starts kissing and biting your neck softly, “no, sweet girl. it really wouldn’t.” you have to remind yourself to breathe, as this whole ordeal feels like a dream. it’s hard to believe you actually went through with it. natasha’s hand gets lost in your hair as she pulls your head back to look up at her.

“do you want this?” she said softly, and you quickly responded with “yes. i want this, i want you.”

“good,” she sighed. because once i start, i don’t think i’ll be able to stop.” you stared back into her eyes and whispered, “i don’t want you to stop.”

***

you left natasha’s house in the early morning, before she woke up. it felt like the right thing to do, but you couldn’t stop thinking about her all day. the teasing, the biting, the way she praised you, the way she had you whimpering “mommy… please, mommy i need it” over and over again. you were certain that the previous night was ingrained in your brain forever, and you adored every minute of it.

but right now, you had more pressing things on your mind, like exactly how this revenge on your, now ex, partner would go.

***

you felt natasha’s hand grip your shoulder and drag you to her car. you had just performed, a rather fitting, song in front of your ex partner, natasha, and most of the townspeople. your song of choice was “i fucked yr mom,” and maybe it wasn’t the smartest idea, but it did get you what you wanted.

once you arrived back in natasha’s house, you knew it wouldn’t be long before she snapped. she took you by surprise as she pinned you against the wall with her hand around your throat. you barely had a chance to speak before she did. “what the fuck was that, huh? what the fuck are you playing at?”

“didn’t you like it, mommy?” you said with your eyes gleaming up at her, leaving her trying to calm herself before she spoke again. “you know exactly what i’m talking about, princess. you can’t just do shit like that.”

“oh can’t i? you didn’t seem to mind when i was-“ you spoke out, but was quickly cut off by her slapping you across the face. “this is not the time to play games with me, little girl. i’m gonna give you one chance to-“ you interrupted her with something that resembled “when will it be time for that, then? cause this is really boring.” she almost looked offended, shocked even, that you were talking to her in such a way. you honestly don’t think you’ve ever seen her angry. definitely not like this, or directly at you. her sour mood could be felt from all around her, everything about her demeanour screamed “i’m furious and you’re making it worse for yourself.” granted, you probably should’ve stopped there, toned it down a little. but for some reason, you just couldn’t. you had to see how much it would take for her to snap. you wanted to see how far she was willing to go.

you watched as she tried to compose herself, taking deep breaths and almost trying to block you out. “when the fuck did you become such a brat, huh? i bet you thought about this every single time you came here, didn’t you?” you genuinely contemplated submitting for a second, but where’s the fun in that? “i don’t know, natasha. can’t you figure it out yourself?” you responded, blatantly yawning and mocking her. you knew you’d fucked up when you were met with her sweetest smile, “if you’re not in my bed and ready for me in two fucking minutes, this entire city is gonna know my name.”

***

it felt like an eternity before you heard natasha walk upstairs, and towards you. you figured that was a part of her plan, keep you waiting and needy, right? she definitely knew the effect she had on you, and knew how to use it to her advantage.

you knelt in the middle of her bed, and she seemed somewhat pleased that you followed at least one of her orders. apart from that, she continued to ignore you, shuffling through drawers. finally, she turned to pay attention to you, and gripped your face to look at her, “look at that, my little brat can obey me.” she almost scoffed at the sight of you, “you’re pathetic, you know that?” “not really, are you about to enlighten me, natasha?” you snapped back.

“you’ve got everyone fooled, haven’t you, angel? they all think you’re so fucking innocent. i guess only i know the truth.”

“worked for you didn’t it? so what’s that then, natasha? you’re boring me again.” you watched as she reached for something you couldn’t see, “you know what, if you wanna act like a brat, i’m gonna treat you like one.” she huffed, before she put you over the edge of the bed, and cuffed your hands behind your back. “oh, fuck.” you mumbled in reaction. “see, here i thought that you were a precious, innocent little thing. turns out you’re just a whore for mommy’s attention.”

“aw, natty, did you figure that all out by yourself? you retorted, repeating last night's words back to her.

natasha’s hand came down on your bare skin with a slap, making you let out a whimper. “oh pretty baby,” she started. “let’s see how much of a brat you are when you’re all red and raw for me. you’re gonna count every single one, angel.”

she pulled you back up close to her chest, whispering “and trust me, sweetheart, we can keep recounting all night if you feel like messing up.” you accidentally let out another whimper, much to natasha’s amusement. “something to say, baby?” you couldn’t see her face, but knew she was almost laughing at you.

“are you gonna count for me?” you let out a small mumble that she couldn’t hear. “what was that? speak up, brat.”

“yes mommy!” you sounded so desperate, you both knew it. but what you didn’t know was how much natasha wanted this, had waited for this. you looked so perfect to her, bent over her bed and tied up just for her, and her alone. she knew getting you to submit to her would be oh so easy. sure, you’ll put on the act of the disobedient slut for a while. but she knew it was just that. an act. one that she will gladly force you out of.

“twenty!” you exclaimed, with tears streaming down your face, after she spanked you over and over again. “please, it’s too much, mommy.” natasha hummed and undid the cuffs, “aw, my poor baby. did mommy make you cry?” she cooed while turning you on your back. she had removed most of her clothes at this point and pushed you down onto the bed. she stroked the hair out of your face before asking, “can you tell me your colour, angel?” “green, mommy. i don’t wanna stop.” you whined. “that’s my good girl, because i am far from fucking done with you yet” her response made chills go down your spine, and you watched her straddle your face. “now, you’re gonna be a very good girl and make me cum before i even think about touching you, am i clear?”

“yes mommy, wanna make you feel good.” you whined, and natasha chuckled at how pathetic how sounded. “what? no bratty remark?” she teased before lowering down to your mouth. as soon as she did, you could swear this was heaven. her pussy looked so pretty glistening above you, you were almost proud of how wet you made her. you gently licked and sucked her clit, “cmon my slut, i know you can do better than that.” she groaned. you licked long stripes through her folds and became completely lost in her, the way her thighs lightly squeezed your head, the way she gripped your hair, the way her taste and scent was intoxicating. she was perfect, you were sure of it. she began to buck her hips and grind against your face once you sped up your pace. “oh fuck, angel, that’s it, right there, don’t stop.” she rambled, as if you would ever stop. “you see what happens to bad girls that disobey me?” she said, tightening her grip on your hair. “bad girls get used like mommy’s toys until they learn to be good again.”

“oh fuck, you’re gonna make me cum, princess. you wanna mommy to cum all over your pretty face? you gripped her thighs and pulled her pussy even closer to you as you sucked her clit, “oh my god, right there, don’t you fucking stop. i’m gonna- fuck!” she moaned and whimpered as she came above you. you continued licking and sucking her pussy while she rode out her high.

natasha climbed off you and reached for something. once she was back in front of you, she had a strap attached to her hips, and smirked at you as you whimpered at the sight. “see something you like, princess? she teased. you looked up at her and nodded, with heavy eyes and slightly open mouth. “you look so pretty like this, sweetheart.” she hummed, lightly slapping your face “mommy’s pretty slut.”

natasha teased your slit with the strap, not quick pushing in yet. “you’ve been such a bad girl, haven’t you? i’m almost disappointed in you.”

“please, please mommy, i need it.” you begged. “oh, now you think you have the right to beg? i guess you’re dumber than i thought.” she teased as she pushed the strap all the way into you, making you whimper loudly.

“i’ve barely started, angel.” she cooed. “put on such a big show for me, and the brat can’t even take mommy’s cock. how pathetic.“

“no, no, i can take it, i swear, please! please give it to me, mommy.” you pleaded. natasha let out a low growl at your words, and began to thrust her strap deep into you. “where did my brat go, honey? you had such much to say earlier.” she was taunting you now, she knew it too.

“i just- fuck! please mommy, i’m so close. i just wanted your attention i swear.”

“oh i know, baby. you’re just a whore for mommy’s attention aren’t you? she continued to rock her hips into you, knowing exactly how close you were. “do you wanna cum, sweetheart? you wanna cum for mommy?” she asked.

“mhm yes, please mommy. please let me cum, i want it so bad.”

“no.” she abruptly pulled her strap out of you and stopped all her movements, making you whimper. “why did you do that, mommy?” you whined.

“why? did you really think i’d let you cum that easily? after the stunt you pulled tonight, you’ll be lucky if you cum at all.” natasha leaned in close to you, and whispered “show me how desperate you are for it.”

“no mommy,” you whined. “don’t wanna beg, please just fuck me.” she almost laughed at how pathetic you were. “i could fuck you all night, honey. that doesn’t mean i’d let you cum. now, come on, princess. don’t make a fool of yourself, tell mommy how badly you need it.”

“please give it to me, mommy, please. i’ll be your good girl, i promise. you don’t understand how badly i needed your attention, how badly i needed you. i won’t be bad ever again, i swear!” you could almost sob in desperation, you needed something, anything. “shhh, love. i’m right here, let me take care of you.” she whispered, before filling you all the way up with her strap. “mommy, it’s so so good, please i need- fuck” you whined, barely able to speak anymore.

“what, precious? what do you need?”

you tried your best to speak through breathy moans, “please play with my clit, mommy i need it” and natasha quickly obliged, circling your clit with her thumb. “oh my- fuck.” you gasped. natasha’s title left your lips like it was a damn mantra. you were completely intoxicated by her, the only thing left in your head was “mommy mommy mommy.”

“want you to cum for me, sweetheart. make a fucking mess on my cock right now.” she commanded. the world around you collapsed as you came, and you shook so hard, that you clinged onto natasha for any kind of stability. you felt her move around you, but couldn’t make out where she was, until you felt her lay next to you and pull you close to her. “there are you are,” she smiled softly at you. “hi mommy” you responded in a whisper. “hi precious girl, are you doing okay?” “yes mommy, i’m so good. can we sleep now, mama?” natasha pulled the blankets over the pair of you and placed gentle kisses on your forehead. “of course we can, sweetheart.”

you knew tomorrow would come with all of the questions, and none of the answers. but all that mattered was that you had natasha, and she had you.

#submission #natasha romanoff x reader #not mine #fic #smut #c: natasha #ITS VERY VERY GOOD KEY ANON #OH MY GOD #i love.#i feel like i got like an exclusive vip first look at this

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