#didnt have time to spellcheck dont @ me

[kaiju-krew]

Hey there! Firstly, big big fan of your art and headcanons, ty for your cool and awesome big brain ❤️ Now that you’ve seen the movie, I’m wondering what your thoughts are on Shimo??? I’ve just seen impressions of her so scattered. (I saw your post on how she will NOT be treated as a pet, and I so appreciate that.)

I will say, for me the ‘old gal’ vibes are so strong and I’m here for it. Like when Goji blasts his atomic breath into the sky at the end and she’s looking at it with such awe and her cute super gummy smile, it reminds me of when a grandma gets shown some common piece of technology that the rest of us are used to, but she just can’t heckin believe it because she lives in a damn cave??? I loved that.

hi hi! omg u think i have a big brain...... compliment of the century.... i must have ppl fooled bcuz i am viscerally dumb most of the time

anywAYS. gxk spoilers below (and a lot of ranting)

shimo my beloved💙 i appreciate most interpretations of her, besides people who are just straight up caling her a dog. and like, not in the way i’d compare goji to a cat? for me it's more mannerisms based, so for goji my main expression/mannerism inspirations are cats, wolves, and komodo dragons (obviously), and for mosu it's owls and cats, with a crumb of horses because of their 'ear' communication so i use that with her antennae.

sorry for tangent but anyways. i dont need someone barking at me that i call goji a cat/draw him acting like a cat so calling shimo ‘kong’s pet dog’ is fine. i think its the difference between goji having the personality i characterize him with + mannerisms inspired by other animals, vs. him having no personality besides Being A Cat. like, he’s a dumbfuck but he’s clearly an intelligent creature capable of communication and understanding. i make a lot of shitposts but truly in my personal hc i’d never reduce him to ‘pet level intelligence’

i think i’m extra touchy about people calling her ‘kong’s pet’ because like. dawg. did you watch the movie? she was JUST freed from being skar’s slave/beast of burden/abused pet whatever you wanna call it. why would you want her to become another creature’s pet again?(obviously minus the abuse) idk mannn it just feels…. reductive somehow. she clearly shows intelligence and understanding when she realizes what’s happening during the fight and helps to kill skar. i just refuse to reduce her entire character to kong’s pet status bcuz that makes me uncomfortable asf.

as a disclaimer, you’re welcome to have whatever hc you enjoy. me expressing my personal thoughts on the matter isn’t an attack on anyone who characterizes her that way, i’m just not interested in engaging with it in the slightest.

DOUBLE ANYWAYS i just needed to get that outta my system. TIME FOR CUTE FUN IDEAS YAHOOO

i’m seeing mixed info about her age so idk where she actually sits there?? i remember seeing something like she’s the First Titan but i also think the novelization of the movie said she’s only 3 million years old?? when im p sure they’ve said goji is 250+ million years old so…. i have no clue there lol. personally she feels less jaded and grumpy than goji does to me so my brain automatically sees her as similar or younger bcuz of my Grumpy Old Man bias.

i’m still workin out my ideas for her but based on how the movie ends i like to think she helps kong with relocating the apes to a better home, and they mostly live in HE. her n kong venture up for surface dates bcuz she gets what she fucking deserves 💙

goji nearly has an aneurysm the first time they come up, since mosu literally takes them for a lil tour of monster island. bro standing there clenching his fist like the arthur meme, he begrudgingly knows she’s right and eventually he gets used to it

i got more ideas cookin for her but this post is already too damn long cuz of my ranting time to stfu

SHIMO BEST GIRL 10/10

#gxk spoilers #kai talks #KAI FKIN YAPS SOMEONE SHUT ME UP #godzilla #mothra #shimo #kong #didnt have time to spellcheck dont @ me

[onlyfishcansaveusnow]

3/18/2024 Fisheries Oceanography

Right so I dont know whats going on at any given moment in this class and I 100% didn't do the readings.... which is and might be more problematic than I want but alas; me versus scientific journals is a battle i will never win especially if the journal is 33 god forsaken pages. But I digress. does this have a character limit?

Welcome to the shit show! today we are going to go over some larger scale processes (woot woot I still don't understand the smaller scale processes but whatever). First we get to diccus the shit show that was exam 1 (i did get an email that i have the opportunity to improve my grade because I did just that bad..) i swear to god if I'm the only one in person today I'm going to riot. fuck. anyway. week 10... great. exam 2 is the last five week of the semester ew. its going to be the same format as exam 1 *joy joy*. the final is going to be closed book my hope are so high:) lol i had the lower end of the undergrad reage at a whopping 80.7%.... bruh grammar and capitalization is a bitch and apparently you get docked points (which is so fair im just salty). we have to add fcking titals now gross. this is an essay prompt i didn't realize we needed to get all up and fancy with this jesus christ. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE FISH OCE REF STYLE!!! "its pretty standard" - clearly not can you give a spark notes of what the fuck that is. like a break down of thestlye you want/??? SUBSECTIONS?! this was suppost to be a one page single spaces how am i suppost to add subsections?! add quanitative detalis? how when the questions suggest otherwise. *do you know how much this makes me want to die? jesus christ i didnt realize this was going to be so nitpicky of an exam* do we now get to get on with todays material - no not yet we get to diccus the final AH 20% of my grade...

TODAY'S FOCUS - large scale processes, circulation and ocean basins! *oh yay a shorter lecture*

Thermohaline circulation. do we know what this is KINDA. so what it is is a large global scale circulating where surface waters becomes denser than underlying wates and sink creatin vertical circulation in the ocean. this is often wind driven circulation. DEEP open ocean convection tis the cacess by which vigoro's vertical mixing occus down tot great depth in respond to winter time surface buoyancy losses in the sub polar seas, is a significant mechanic of water masses - the densent water are forms at high latitudes ( north Atlantic and southern ocean.) (rip spellcheck) OOO thats a realy nice visual of the thromohailice circulation!!!! we have to get our gruminy hands on that link it would be so helpful ( UCAR- center for science eduction). we also need to get our hand oth figh 8.11 because that would also help be in chem ocn!!

Wind driven circulation - what is is? well dumbass... um. are you familare with the major gyres in N+S patlatnic and Pacific? WELL GUESS WHAT they are driven by global wind whis are dieven by inequalities in the solar enegy flux between the equatior and the poles. * fuck oh joy joy something confusing* ~ in both atl. and pacf. basins sub topic gyers(circulate anti cyclonic ( do you know aht the even means? and clock wise in .. *OH MY GOD I WANST DONE GAH GO BACK fuck it* ) still on the same topics western margins of thes gyer had particualy intence currents ( gulf stream and kuroshi current are sub tropic) Labrador current and oyashio current ( are sub POLAR). did you know that organisms in these can be transported long distances!western boundary currents meander and can cause eddies which are conveniently important feature for entertaining(?) food for consumers *there was a whole text box that she blew threw no wonder i can't keep up in this class*

WOW the major flow of the water in the atlanic is in a clockwise direction. the circulation in the north atlatin is linked to artic circulation and what happens up north.... something something about different something.

The fuck is a jumpdrive? you mean a USB flash drive? please sent help. also let me reiterate - I didn't read todays papers. i am s c r e w e d but whats new. now we get to the prestation on the review paper... which is 33 pages. damn her prestation is so good. ok i dont knwo whats going on. rip my participation points oh well. maybe ill ask about the citation format when we are done and gain something.

Questions to gain participation points: explain the citation system. can we go into depth of anticyclonic vs cyclonic gyres and what that means/impacts?

I didn't realize i would have to write my citations by hand because its a super specific citation system that is a mash of APA and MLA and whatever the fuck else fish ocn peeps deem acceptable.

[0thsense]

11/29/2023

It's been a while since nippon and nothing good has happened. That's not really true but it is true I haven't made progress on my goals. I've even made negative progress on lifting and running. Or maybe sideways who cares im just not dedicated enough. why do i bother with good grammar on these posts just let it go bro.

I did well on the osu tournament at least, but ive gotta give up on that shit. just play for fun and casual improvement. I fucked up my wrist the other day too and it still hurts. It kinda hurts to type to be honest. tumblr can fuck off with the spellcheck btw. i talked to Peter about his journaling and im starting to think that my thoughts are just way more cringe than average. ur telling me everyone else doesnt have to hold back cringe all the time? i love being cringe is the problem

one thing I remember feeling on the way to see my pt is that i think i like feeling sad. the type of sad where id like to say its something other than self pity but its probably just self pity. god im so reluctant to say im falling into a common trap that is wallowing in self pity.

oh yea I started taking caffeine pills and not taking medication. I don't think its helping so far but I feel less shit all the time. is it time to truly give up? im scared that im losing my mental faculties. I remember I used to try to optimize everything i did. which i thought was dumb at the time because I would proceed to waste all the extra time I had. but now I dont have that drive to optimize anymore. i dont believe in myself to be different anymore. in fact its a struggle to even be normal.

i dont know if ive talked about this before but I tried to go for a route in my life where I wouldnt have to learn to be normal. if I got far enough doing special weird things then people would accept that I didnt have to be normal, and theyd even praise me for it. but now that ive fallen off the wagon I have to just be behind on being normal instead. I hate the feeling that other people will look at me and think I was wrong all along.

Im so doomer in these posts. I guess getting off the medication wasnt enough to stave away the depression. I didnt even do anything today either programming wise. Theres a month left, and its december. maybe i should just start leetcoding now. I say that cuz its the normal thing to say but there is no way I start before the new year. time to pretend to be happy for the holidays.

im worried that it will be difficult to find a job. i want to find a job in new york but i need to find a position that lets me afford rent. i have a limited number of people i can reach out to for referrals and if those dont pan out im probably in deep trouble and will need to take whatever i can get.

there's a channel called hoe_math on yt that has blackpilled views but surprisingly its really popular. the couple vids i watched were entertaining and agreeable and im scared of watching more and becoming a misogynist. the old me would not have been scared. watch and sift the new information and try to remain as objective as possible keeping in mind all of your own biases. now im a thinking plebian. what happened to me? i ask as i know the answer perfectly well.

also i think im bad at diagnosing my own mental state. after taking molly for the first time i could barely tell i felt anything. that probably has an effect on my diet for example, where my instinct on what i need to eat is dull. is this linked to not being in touch with my emotions? ur feelings are partly a reflection of your body's state after all.

i cant even finish this stupid pong game. any mental obstacle that i think will take like an hour is just too much. the true test of will is the will that can give consistent effort day after day. i wonder how neurotypicals feel. does it also feel literally impossible for them to do certain things? what does it mean to just not want to do something? determinism wise everything either happens or is impossible. i have a hard time relating that to the things adhd stops me from doing. maybe the reason im more inclined to believe determinism is that adhd makes the illusion of choice much weaker.

[comeonscully]

*strums guitar*

hey kids...

guess who’s....

fuckin...

...

lonely!

#im depressed so im turning my autocaps off again lmao #this looks better. god bless #anyways. im so fucking lonely lmfao #my heart hurts allllll the time #and i feel bad because like. army boy is the *only* person i have who can fill that void #and its not working #not that im like upset about that but you cant expect ome person to fill a gaping hole in you #its so unfair to them #im so lonely #i want to go on antidepressants just to be able to cope with it lmao #but i dont want to have to start the whole process of finding medicine that works for me #because most medicine will work for a week or two and then stop. no matter the med. no matter the dosage #its why i stopped taking them in the first place #i didnt ask the doctors of course because theyd probably not approve of it because im really fucked up and actually need at least three meds #probably because i have bpd and depression and anxeity but i just dont want to go through all of the efforts of finding the right coctail #i wanna go ask for antidepressants just so this whole can maybe be filled for a week or two evwry month #diary #i wish spellcheck autocorrected words in tags because jesus

[eremiie]

im bored and need to speak my truth so here are all the mario kart characters ik the aot cast would main bc my brain is big like that idk

eren: he would want bowser but be beaten to him everytime by reiner so he would get stuck with toad. fucking loser.

sasha: she has a daisy obsession and i stand by this. she loves daisy sm and dresses up as her for halloween and shit ☹️ sasha ily sm bbg im so glad youre still alive and isayama didnt k word you!!!

levi: the ghost thing,,, his name is boo i think?? idk hes my ult in aot so im surprised i dont have much of a reasoning other than it fits his aesthetic. ok next.

reiner: bowser. very manly. big. idk. yea!

bert: okokok hear me out.... this mf LOVES mario. like, homeboy has a mario shrine and collects mario figures,,,, he may or may not have mario boxers but thats neither here nor there. but yea my man loves mario it just makes sense.

armin: koopa!!!!! he thinks he’s rly cute and may or may not have received a koopa keychain from annie as a joke for his bday and blushed sm bc she was like “you look like him. bye.” bro armin brainrot is real i love that natural blonde mf sm. grrrrrrr

mikasa: we all know she is the baddest bitch and therefore it only makes sense that she mains rosalina bc i do too and bad bitches think alike. also she exclusively uses motorcycles bc once again, bad bitch behavior.

connie: YOSHI. YEA. WILL FIGHT SOMEONE WHO TRIES TO STEAL THAT DINO FROM HIM.

hisu: as a part time hisu kinnie i can confirm this bitch LOVES baby peach bc of how cute she is ☹️☹️☹️ i love historia sm like whenever she does tricks for xp when she jumps from ramps she giggles so hard at the cute noises that baby peach makes and the gang just stares at her with the biggest heart eyes. AHHHHHHH omfg im making myself blush,, anyways.

ymir: she is the biggest simp and therefore begrudgingly (she loves it we all know it 🙄) plays w baby daisy so her and hisu can twin.

z*ke: donkey kong ..... wtf do you want me to say. 😐

hitch: pricess peach ,,,, shes a baddie like that idk

gabi and falco: they both fight over donkey kong jr bc they wanna twin w z*ke. yea. unrelated but falco is an ipad kid 100% and he usually plays doodle jump on his sticky ipad while gabi steals piecks phone and watches slime videos. y r kids are so gross bye.

annie: she wouldn’t care, or want to play in the first place but rei and bert made her so she just ends up w toadette and it makes armin jelly bc shes unintentionally twinning w eren :( if someone points it out she’ll kick them tho and then drive home lol.

hange: i dont think its an option on mario kart but let’s pretend it is okay,,, yknow the wizard one ???? thats super hard to beat ???? and they throw magic at you????? yea they play with that one and you can’t convince me otherwise.

jean: MF GETS STUCK W WALUIGI EVERY TIME AND USUALLY TRIES TO FIGHT EREN FOR TOAD BC THEY BOTH LOST TO REINER FOR BOWSER BAHAHAH ,,, jean bby im sorry :(((( ure soooooo sexy tho ahahah call me 😁😁😁‼️

pieck; birdo 🧍🏻‍♀️i love her sm but like ... pieck baby .... really ??? this is who we are ??? anyways. this makes a lot of sense to me im not sure why.

porco: he plays w dry bowser purely bc it sorta resembles his titan form :((( pls this man has me whipped (also we are pretending they had access to nintendo products in 830 or whatever year the series takes place ig ,,, uh ok zoey anyways)

erwin: man’s doesnt understand what “a mario kart” is but he tries to play w everyone nonetheless and usually ends up w the default mii character .... i also headcannon that he always drives backwards on accident... yea....

thats it. im sleepy. its 4:23 am so gn ig lol.

also i am not spellchecking this so you may need to clown me.

UMMM WHY IS THIS SO ACCURATE AND SO TRUE????

ZOEY YOUR BRAIN.. I LITERALLY WAS LIKE “yup mhm” AT EVERY SINGLE ONE WHEN I READ THIS EARLIER SOJSOSMSK

#attack on titan headcanons #cobain<3 #attack on titan #eren jaeger #levi ackerman #LIKE WHAT #YES LMFAO

[softboyscully]

Public School Stuff I Wanted to Share

public school is both beautiful and horrifying am i right

so ill just go by the grades i guess

Kindergarten, first year

i did kindergartden at a catholic school in a relativly big city so this one’s got some shit

we went to church every wednesday, me and best friend (lost track of her when we moved, wish we’d stayed in touch, she was awesome) would giggle the whole time, pretty sure we made fun of jesus once, can’t remember why, possibly the hair

i had the nicest teacher, she was (as i remember her) young, blonde, and super sweet, that was the first and last year i ever had naptime

SPEAKING of naptime

i never slept during it

once i found what i remember being a nut of some sort on the ground, probably came off someone’s shoe

i grab it, turn to sarah (my best friend), say something about putting it up my nose

sarah, apparently having common sense, says, “no dont do it!! we’re supposed to be sleeping!!”

i put it up my fucking nose

try to get it out, just push it farther in

im crying a little bit now, that shit hurts

go up to my teacher

“you’re supposed to be asleep!”

“i have a nut up my nose and it wont come out”

teacher tries to get it out, but it wont budge

just. sends me back to my mat

that was it

the art room was tiny

like re-purposed broom closet tiny

there was a copy of the mona lisa in the hallway, someone had drawn ray bans on it with a pencil, never got replaced

there was a creepy-ass basement i went down to after school, we ate cheeseballs and sandwiches with some kind of meat, mayo, and that kinda yellow bread

someone broke his leg down there once, think an older kid threw him at the ceiling or something

we learned how to play Silver Bells with actual bells in music class

Kindergarten, second year

i remember these two teachers as the evil step sister-type look, but it might be my little kid imagination

but seriously they were horrible

we learned stuff in a room that was more middle-school styled, except everything was green or black and it was v dark

me and sarah attained a new friend, john

honestly i think we would’ve stayed friends for a while if i didnt move away

i have two vivid memories

one is of me really wanting to go home, so i walked by the teacher’s desk and did a fake sneeze

they laughed at me and told me to go sit back down

the other is  john leaning his chair back and then falling, so me and sarah went to help him back up

it was funny, so he did it again

and again

me and sarah were laughing, had the time of our lives

after the maybe fifth time the teachers said “john can get back up by himself. sit down and stay there.”

one of the reasons we moved was bc i got sent a letter from my fourth grade buddie

most of the words weren’t spelled correctly, many letters were backwards

my mother was horrified

ofc now we know it was probably a learning disability 

1st grade

this is when i moved

beginning of school i was ASTOUNDED we didnt have uniforms, one of the best things ever to happen to me

nothing wrong with this teacher, she was cool

thing is i was a little shit

told everyone my dogs died (they did but i was maybe three when it happened, i remember it not)

all my personal narratives were bullshit (only one sticks in my memory, wrote it about celebrating christmas AND hanukkah with my dad’s friends who were jewish, i have never even met those friends)

had a crush on this kid, best friend (she was terrible and helped wreck me emotionally) told me to kiss him in music class. me being a stupid ass bitch, i did it, aND HE GOES TO THE TEACHER AND CALLS ME OUT. at the end of class she gets both of us to stay for a bit, AND I DENYIED EVERYTHING. i walked across the fucking classroom, kissed him on the cheek, ran away giggling, told my teacher i didn’t do anything, AND GOT AWAY WITH IT. i’ve embarrassed myself further with this child but thats another story

2nd grade

i loved this teacher but honestly he was absolute shit

like. all he did was play the guitar and sing with us

never actually taught us stuff???

middle of the year, my mom goes in for a parent-teacher conference, he tells her i dont pay attention is math.

“what do you mean?”

“she doesn’t listen, she just takes out a book and starts reading.”

“........have you.... tried taking the book away?”

“sure, i could try that.”

“o....kay”

he also told her i’d be a girl who’d grow up to love spellcheck (which i do lmao)

like ???? why not just??? teach me to spell????

there was this one dude who one day showed up, gave me a pink stuffed cat, and then asked me where i lived

funniest thing was he lived on the same street as me

something that is vivid in my memory is showing up to class one day and realizing that i was wearing my regular clothes over my pajamas

also we had fish

every day someone else was in charge of feeding them

one of the times it was my job, i grab the fish food and walk over to the tank only to find all of the fish floating on the top

i screamed “THE FISH CAN FLY?!?!?!?!?!”

everyone ran over, all of us scarred for life when Mr. G walks over and goes in the most normal voice ever “no theyre dead”

we held a funeral

the cause of death is still undetermined

3rd grade

this year just draws a blank for me

all i know is that whoever the teacher was, they neglected to teach me how to tell time from a clock

also we learned the Cotten Eyed Joe dance in gym around here

4th grade

i had two teachers this year

one was the same one from 1st grade, the other one was a total bitch

made a girl named hannah ball her eyes out once, never apologized

i was (and am) and avid reader, so my reading skills were high above average

instead of being proud of me she told me i was weird, not normal, and too smart for a 4th grader, so i MUST be cheating. 

she was the start of a lot of self confidence issues for me ngl

this was around the time i went and got tested for ADHD (me and my grandmother almost broke down on the highway but thats another story), Mrs. M (the nice one) was super supportive when i told her why i was leaving early but Ms. S (bitch) told me ADHD wasn’t real and i just wanted to be special for once

she sucked, Ms. S

5th grade

this is getting super long so this’ll be the last one i do

but my teacher..... Mr. F was A+++++

he legitimately taught me math

we had i guess like,,, a buddie class we switched with sometimes

the teacher of that class was Mrs. R, who had crazy red hair and many freckles

at one point she referenced a meme and my entire class started screaming

also there was another Mrs. S (to differentiate this one will be called Mrs. Su)

she was kind of crazy

she was the astronomy teacher and she told us many times that the moon landing was faked

once she handed out sunscreen and had everyone put it on their whole body (this was in december, fyi)

Mr. F also hosted an ‘archeological dig’ which sounds cool but in reality he had a bunch of arcade prizes from his childhood buried in little flower pots we dug into with plastic spoons

also heres some stuff i cants pinpoint the time of/happened in multiple grades:

someone held a who-can-scream-the-most-like-a-goat contest

a guy named Makenzie won

remember we planned it while the teacher left the classroom so the teacher walks back in and one by one everyone in the room starts screaming, there was some applause, a few kids got a standing ovation

we cleaned out our desks in the middle of the year, i found 3 socks and a dog treat in mine

like how the fuck did any of those things get there

and where’s the fourth sock

b o t t l e f l i p p i n g

but no seriously there were at least five water bottles stuck in the ceiling in the cafeteria

my sorta friend charlie was obsessed with paper airplanes

one time he might’ve broken the world record for longest time in the air but he was counting in his head and it was at recess so there was no video

four square and gaga ball would be played no matter the setting, time, or conditions and it was super competitive

like if you could get to king in four square you got the everlasting respect of everyone

and everyone was super educated on four square special rules, special plays, that kinda shit

no but guys i grew up with bus stop, candy store, haunted house on mondays, haunted mansion on fridays, zombies was fair game unless it was Zach, Ryan, Chrissy or Vee

me and one other guy named andrew were the only known pjo fans, had the time of our LIVES making refrences

“HEY ANDREW IM NOBODY”

“I HAVE WAITED YEARS FOR YOU, NOBODY, COME HERE AND FACE YOUR DEATH”

“hey annabeth, i thought you looked like a princess when i first saw you. i printed out a picture you sent me casually and kept it with me. i snuck along on a quest so i could save you, endangering myself immensely. i held the sky for you. when you talk about your crush on luke, i get jealous. beckendorf understood, but hes dead.”

“ikr we’re literally the best of friends”

“RIGHT”  

also the first time we finished mark of athena we were in the same classroom and we individually dropped the book, stood up, looked at each other, and screamed “WELL FUCK YOU TOO RICK RIORDAN”

#public school #percy jackson #percabeth #my childhood #you dont have to read this but i felt like posting it lol #if you've read this far #i applaud you #thanks for listening to my meaningless shit #im gonna be a comedian #school #school stories #adhd #kind of

[theshamelessalpaca-blog]

Uncertainty of life

When I was younger I wanted to be a paleontologist, it was hard to tell my friends because they had no clue what the *freak* that was. I use to act like a dinosaur for gods know what reason, I was young with a wild imagination, and had no friends (figures). I only had one good friend that never judged me in primary school from the years 4-5, we use to play superpower games which if I wasnt 19 I would still play but being an 'adult ' I can only really do roleplay. . .

In year 10 I started dating a guy, it was great like all relationships start out. It had it's up and downs, he was a dick and made me think I was crazy. My friends hated him, it was only after we finished highschool when it became better again, when he started university he was always busy which I didnt mind at all cause I was working at a cafe at the times so I was always busy. The thing that sucked about it was.. it was always me going to his place, always accommodating him and his needs, we never had sex, it was always just me giving him blowie. After he had finished his semester he had a few months till he started back up, he had made 3 really good friends at university and talked to them ALLL the time, even when it was our time to be together, I will admit I did get jealous easily and he knew that I did and would tell me if it was to much and I would apologise and we would talk about it. I then decided what I wanted to do with my life which was to go to university and do a science degree. So I did an enabling program to get into uni just like he did, he never helped me out, but when he was doing it I always read, and spellchecked his essays.. I only asked for help once and it was about a definition of a word that I could not find anywhere I looked. During the weeks of me going to uni I had started smoking because of stress my mum was in hospital and I was worried about not passing, he grew distant and I asked if he thought we were falling apart he said "no we are fine"

I didnt believe him..

The 2nd last week of uni he wanted to meet at my house, I thought he had finally wanted to hang out... I was running late cause I had missed my bus, i was walking from my bus stop to my house, he ended up just driving to me and then telling me he wanted to break up cause he thought we were falling apart and we had been dating since we were young and all that, I'll be honest if he hadn't of done it I would have weeks later not even.. I had later found out that the day he broke up with me that weekend he had started dating one of his uni friends that he had cheated on me with. I'm over him now and I'm happy, I can be myself again and not worry about someone else other than myself and my family of course.

I know live in Vietnam, I can talk to cute backpacker guys whenever they are here, and I also adopted a puppy. Her name is Vee M. (MEAT) dont get me started on her middle name.

So life has its uncertainties either if you stay at school, work at an office, even if you one day decide to up and leave the country just know that you need to be happy about you and your lifestyle. The only thing I don't like I'd peanut butter and vegimite... 🤢

#life #my life #cheatingboyfriend #vietnam #happy

[swampgallows]

i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again. 

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person. 

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games. 

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded  nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that. 

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway). 

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive. 

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester. 

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it. 

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women. 

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood. 

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter. 

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time. 

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.

#blathering

[thehollerbox-blog1]

Sleepwriting to Get to Know My Self a Bit Better: a practice in allowing the existence of a collaborative self

Follow up to what may not have been legit in theory but may still be legit nonetheless

1. Sleepwalking can be a genetic or learned trait. I want to say it’s a personality characteristic or that it says or implies that one who is prone to be ambulatory while in a state of subtle REM is one who is prone to movement. Maybe they want to be participating in the productivity that only the woken world grants tangibility. To sleep and walk is to generate just that while simultaneously enacting the subconscious effort to produce without regard for tangibility at all.

I know I have rare events that made somebambulant and apparently spellcheck says Im not using a word that exists tangibly in the daylight of this current point in momentary traverse through other points to follow the light of sun into the glowing light of current threaded through filament in bulbs. The environment that wishes its own dreaming to be a waking sleep just as any wanting creature of consciousness may hope to do.. ironically so vecause it seems a desire that is not considered but exists as wanting as impulse as instince and reaction.

I know of the twilight response that cant gain footing in personal memory. The nights my friend Tiffany would call late or early but really both at the same time just to chat because smart phones were new and texting wasnt natural yet not the learned impulse it became for myself and Tiffany as well. I would normally take the call and only in the trust of Tiffany’s woken ability to retain those conversations was it apparent that I can somehow remain in the mode of natural rest, with that pressure placed to stifle conscious care, and somehow hold a conversation with someone I knew and cared for and wanted to ease any harm the inevitable years of high school brings us. Mostly inconsequential events in that regard but nothing is inconsequential when it is the result, the potential for emotional states of twilight laden strain to speak with the normalcy of every day an event did not bring the light of love into the dimming of it. And i say love with intention. It is unlike the world and an individual when want imposes us to aim for a waking sleep to balance the glow of it all of everything we miss in sleep and equally so in as we miss such an everything when we have woken and remain so as we exist with the tangible form of understanding what we are in the context of, the vision of what is within reach of our senses intention to assist us as we navigate the brighter rooms we may be in or may be able to see through windows and through screens. Because of love I have the capacity of care and I am grateful for that even when i believe my empathy is relentless in expanding as Ive gotten older without yet leaving youth. Because i cared about Tiffany it means I am experiencing love like any form of luminatuon that may aid my vision.

Those calls were given answer because of love. And if that is true as it must be true it must also be true that I had no feigning heart acting as if in obligation. I will reject calls most often during the day even when I have the time to accept them. But because my selr acted in subconcious impule in the shade of a dream that may never have the chance to recover in recall and acted so wanting to give Tiffanys calls anything that would not be labeled rejected by a smart phone which has a sleep we impose with images of buttons on screens that do not want the way we as human as those with love. The kind of unseen force that is the unseen hand. The power behind our pulse and beauty. Because I didnt make the choice in the worlds natural light and my own ability to envision the room the phone ringing– a tangible effort to exert tangibility into my senses while in stasis. Because of everything I answered. It gave truth to my love and want. That i was honest in sleep because i have no tangible in my desire. Answering the phone was how I could objectively evaluate the drive of what may not be love but simply concern and a sense of moral obligation.

2 Tiffany would tell me about those conversations. Some that she said went on for hours without exaggeration. So many hours as if to ignore the sleep or lack of it completely. Inching to a time when the earth is spinning back to give another half the image of another sun that is the same but is always changing into the same sun in its place in that vast nowhere. I cant remember what Tiffany told me about the content of our voices moving in a process unlike that of waves that slowly move to reach shore to allow the other to rise and reach shore. Water will never be a selfish thing.

She often started calling because she knew and I may have been the reason for her onowing that it is believed that those moments of subconscious acting in the stead of the power that holds it in a dim light my eyes can not be gifted even a sliver of any beam falling through their want and impulse to blink. Curtains we do not reach with any stretch of arms ahead and hands in grasping to try and move them from their permanence. Each was a call answered by the self i have consistently been learning in slow steps and always in just the smallest gleaning. The self I want to give tangible voice to and may do with my practice in easing its passage through my writing fingers which do not want but act as each is asked and always without complaint. The self I know is part of my woken self that speaks aloud in rooms and in the safety of an overhang during a storm last week with a friend. We spoke for hours and I forgot the rain until parting ways toward the home that houses the sheets and pillows in a room we make just for those items. Those are the happened moments that exist without the need to use time as concept to structure practical decision necessary in a new world that we began to grow around is. With brick and cables and the hum of electricity move for the lightbulb in the lamp on a single table beside my bed. All part of that growth. A miracle despite the erosion that is happening and beginning to expand as if it wants to act as the substance of what carries planets and stars and things that drift forever without want. This growth is this erosion. The two are not with truth a pair but an un numbered conversation about wanting to be organic and thus chaotic which is beautiful because there is no truth in my reference to a number as some border to divide what isnt meant to know such division.

3 My self may want to show that there is no numbered way to claim division of want of impulse of instince and that of choice anx decision and intention. I want to understand my self and Im listening my want with love. I am writing for hours without realizing that i am no longer present in the the spark that shows my eyes a vision of any resulting flash or shock to catalogue as happened and seen and real.

This want must be much more driven than I thought it was before last night when I wrote from a time I must only be able to estimate as the time it takes for REM to nearly finish its final cycles. Midnight maybe. Ending just about when the sun was about to face the side of a spun globe still spinning us toward that burning change that changes but still we say the sun is the sun every time.

3. I woke up and planned to write this. I didnt really decide that I wouldnt reflect on the time I considered that sleepwriting might be a legitimate occurunce that is unlike somnambulance. The legs are not the physical movement driven by the voice we only know as the painter of each dream. Ive lost so many but have I truly lost them if my self is not a numbered self but in conversation as Ive written this and will vontinue to until it is understood that a parting isnt needed. The conversation with the self I will one day give my version of the sun to as I see it when I leave through a door my hands will open without complaint or wuestion to that which drove them to grasp with an arm in bent extension moving to bridge the gap in the distance. Distance is like time for a reason I believe I know but will not attempt to examine because I imagine that the self has it written down somewhere in shade of curtained sight. There is no curtain. No division. I am not confused because I dont need a definitive. No question is divided from an answer simply because an answer isnt what the presence of this collaborative identity is in need of wanting. I dont even think I had a question to ask myself other than when we should get back to the conversation that wasnt enlightening as much as it was a coversation about light and what light we see defines what want we have for saying the sun rather than the changed sun from day to day. 4. The question: Why dont we have a wanting impulse to stop referring to the sun by the same word when it is a different sun after each ray finds its footing in the sight we share but perceive as if we arent an individual? The follow up question: Why didnt we start this sooner than last night or this morning or both I, and I, suppose? One Very Recent Illumination after asking my self a question: I agree with my self on something and that must mean that to ask your self a question or talking to your self isn’t at all an act we shouls assume to be rhetorical. That also suggests such behavior is a method of self awareness and it self love sounds cliche and annoying to me and my self–my head nod at the thought of it being an annoyance happening without conscious choice to nod a part of my phycical self that is the housing of the brain and that brain houses the self which issued the order to nod. My self without the voice I am learning to give is asserting that we agree and I imagine it probably happens without me choosing to give attention to those involuntary somatic events are worth the effort of observation if I want to get to the root of this goal Im so close to. I need to practice this changed version of me. Right? That was the final question for now and how I can conclude this writing should conclude. It was rhetorical and thus I and all that single pronoun means was not meant to respond but to listen and reenter the time of digitsl clocks on the screen I have used to type this with illusions of buttons as the medium and my thumbs as the willing method by which I may have been writing some of this. I know that I wrote most of it and all of it. Freud was right about this being difficult but I dont believe that he considered what it meant about indinviduality as a plurality when used as a human characteristic I aim for with the full force of all that impulse in not ending a sentence in brevity and the intention to notice that. Next time I may write after parsing this for clear moments when a concise sentence is presented after some noticeably lengthy sentences. I wrote both in any case but I want to know what light was in the room as I wrote them. That was lengthy. These two are concise. I am now saying this is the end of this and it will be after this last use of the word this repeated and followed by punctionation. Like this.